Episode: 23 – Turtle Panties

Episode

Episode: 23 – Turtle Panties

Description

Harmontown’s last show before the tour becomes a star studded bon voyage. Eric Idle teaches Dan to write songs, Patton Oswalt teaches him the meaning of fear and Ryan Stiles teaches him that fighting displacer beasts takes 45 minutes.

Transcript

ladies and gentlemen harmontown is once again infection
we got to go to a party tonight everybody what you please welcome the mayor of harmontown Jen Harmon
Grandmaster Grandmaster Flash Grandmaster not going to rap about 6 or after going to rap about real things sophisticated rap
dr. Robert Optics your balls not going to ruin it with diagonal balls not going to do it but it’s hard to give me a second.
thank you for coming thank you for listening I can’t that was really fair because that was it I was just trying out our new theme song for the for the tour yes I do you want do you want to start over there with a proper rap because I have a selection of three unlicensed totally our own rap beats for the audience to know that this is the first time in town where you are not drinking that’s true to you can probably already tell ya
I will clear this theater
call bail but then I’m done this cleanse with the Aaron she’s my girlfriend I love her I do things out of support for her and also if if she’s not eating I won’t be fed anyway so she’s doing this for day cleanse are we drink these green gooey things and and you don’t drink liquor on them so if the show starts going I promise I’ll just collapsed into the bottle but I wanted to see if the sake of science I just want to give me one of these beats I want to I want to be a good rapper Mystic hated rapper d a n i e u probably not heard these I have do I have three selections for my new musical director Ryan Elder who doesn’t has tonight Ryan album
we’re making a documentary here and we can’t you know we can’t use Xanadu and some of our favorites because we can’t afford it but yeah it might my physical health and and I are lack of copyright infringement really has you on a tear
or if I can babies have a drink
sorry
damn these are your three choices you have sexy slow freestyle and you have aggressive
well I’m American are you are you LL Cool J I Need Love are you right now or are you busy
got even spoken but see we got clear your head so you had no dick snowballs
here here
yo
yo-yo
some people might try to tell you others on your foot Terminus God damn it I fucking suck
I want to know how much it is. We’re going we’re going on this tour Jeff we’re we’re representing Los Angeles out there there’s there’s 20 cities waiting for us like I’m going to roll into Austin talking about dicks and balls and and but I want to I want it I want it I want it I want it right good music I want to I want to I want to be a good singer and songwriter I don’t think it will come to harmontown because you’re a Craftsman when it went
when it comes to rapping I think they like the like the free for all that it is it becomes very adolescent in pure Iowa is there is there are there any like like like a professional bike like like singer-songwriters that look like like a Cambridge education
3 / 10
thank God
I am so sorry for for for what I’ve done but this is very fortuitous are thank you for showing up and get a icon Eric idle is here
your for your for your craftsmanship in comedy songwriting they probably have every single one of your songs memorized and I just I I I have a problem where I I try like to write songs and I like to improvise them but I I I I lose control and I go to a shity not sophisticated place you’re a hero of mine a mentor of mine can you please help me can you please tell me how to what would you do if you were going to write a perfect song
I want to write the perfect song write this song for you
Eric
harmontown harmontown of the Harvest mommy’s on the ground
now it’s like I have a question. What would you rather do it in the butt or make her eat your poop
you guys are only doing what I’ve been doing all along I fucken million mom is already I wanted those perfect
open up your heart my friends and tell me what you see
both your mother’s sucking dicks and drinking
toddler crafts Department
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss go in a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out while actually. But you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and blackston amount each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes would like to my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker it myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film Earth-like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
well if he then you just have to open your mind and don’t let it all come out right I think I understand all you really need to set yourself for Eric idle to come out
and remind you that thing about nothing your father’s next
all right all right fine well since I’m sober and I’m no entertainment myself and since we are going on the road why don’t we keep the mentorship going you know see if we can keep getting advice and guidance for people that we have the opportunity we’re going out you just turn 40
and we’re going out in this big door which is very ambitious as a very long grueling schedule what do you hope to accomplish by this because there is there a goal for you like what you want from home what what do you want to return with what’s the what’s the what’s the Golden Fleece that you expect to get from this
different goals did I do I do a big planner and then obviously the show is not like no written and and that’s comptroller striking the move music stand
all right
I’ll have to bring some of that cassette head cleaners that the people yet did you know that the underground fluid if you if you stop it it dilates your anus
end of story is going to have to keep the
playable had Daddy’s going out tonight I want a drink so bad
this is how this is what it what it what what sobriety feels like it’s like it feels like everyone else is drunk is is is is is I would like to learn how to love people because my my my girlfriend wrote this book she did write it
I think but this is a whole track of conversation I wanted to talk to everybody about tonight but I don’t want to delay our next guest he what he he’s he’s got an out I think we should bring him up and talk to him about tutoring please welcome to the stage
music
oh my goodness this is for free and I always had I think we had Steve Martin in Birmingham one night and yeah it was pretty good I mean I just I just Facebook them I will come down no problem
I found on Craigslist how can I help you are leaving on the 10th at 10 a.m. as far as I know 8 a.m. okay, all ready to go we got the Skylander hunting from Los Angeles to Phoenix where we’re going to do a show for God knows how many people are actually going to show up your first show in Phoenix
so you’re basically you are this is this is the best equivalent of all right I know that there is there’s some there’s some chocolate mousse down the road but we’re going to have cold green beans right now to really make that a treat when it shows up Great Britain what do you know about Phoenix that we don’t know have you ever been to Phoenix yeah I was I was there I would have a signing some comic books once okay that I had the way you said it was like I went to Phoenix in a size in comic books
that’s when you really have one night in Phoenix
play Sarah Silverman fire me I just was just signing everything that you don’t care what the answer is Rob schrab comic books that I wrote
are you got the Disposable assassin highly recommended the I believe the hardback collection is here in the store if you want to Phoenix is an abandoned Moon Colony if all of the astronauts were Mexican and on Crank that is how to think of it that is basically just setting if you see any white people there they are either cryptically racist or so gleefully openly racist that it’s kind of charming
kind of hoping because of our podcast that we’re going to draw like a similar you know essential crowd that we get here like 8 but here’s the thing you have to keep in mind every city in in America has has this these kind of the the smart people the dreamers
they also point out that the Pasty and frightened all right
try going on Dancing
some cities are a much more soap sponge than other so Phoenix you’re really going to be bringing that sponge right as much of this as you possibly can you have any advice on how I can do that to you I don’t see morning Zoo teams are termed shouty does satellite tours where you at 3 hour black and you just hold their that got cut into the middle of things I like
but we’ve never heard of
Dan Herman barely doing something called acceptable term how did you pronounce those wrong do you think his actual human voice before he brings on the Aragon so much for calling and stupid show it’s the dumbest thing ever like I like what you do man but let’s wait this is the market I mean to your cool right in my account I guess so
what about all these awful what you up to be like to join their Smurf patch and show you the info about you a little rap for us about the pitch at the pump on the beginnings of what I also love the weird if you don’t immediately picture to Bear got a whole a caboodle it’s a party at 6
if you don’t hit that level they immediately get angry with you and try to get with fog horns
it’s just
panties girdle pants there actually are now there are things you’re going to have to avoid doing or you’ll bring the wrong people to your show all they said was bringing the wrong people to your show can make the show kind of amazing they don’t quite know what’s going on 11 people in Phoenix that actually like love me yeah I don’t want some subjected to the 20 people that wandered into chuckle chuckle ducks and then I come out and go have asthma
what the fuck are chicken the other of my fans chairs and
I just kind of help if you’re on Twitter is interact with people that have been at the show and if you keep that conversation going other people from other cities will see that your kind of Dale start tracking you as you move across and I only did that with a with a website in my space I didn’t have Twitter one of the show podcast every single night like like like a day podcast out the performance
I know that your way sooner than you think you’re going to hit it your wife document will start you will fall into this weird Stalin I I guarantee you one of your podcast will just be a paste and and where were in Vegas and we drove all day and now we’re here I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know Edward Avila
really do be a weird inside. She realizes people that are on reality shows that want to be filmed all the time those they are sociopaths because they don’t hit the wall. Just where they are never tired of a camera and microphone Show solar calculators
the show is going to be the podcast like like that because I don’t like you you like you have like probably by now you have a solid 3 hours of a really rough find material that yeah you’re right but you’re right when I go out in front of people so I’m forcing myself is what’s for sale is not what’s for sale with you so I’m going the other direction and refusing to allow myself to have any I’m not going to they’re going to be able to hear the show in Phoenix in Austin and then I’m going to show up in Austin I got how about that show in Phoenix
remember when I got my ass kicked was that crazy at work to be done Chozen and various venues were a lot of the audience with Boba Loca like they promote their own promote their own kind of loyal fanbase Wright-Patt in like they do they have because they have some clubs going to have their own corporate culture where their fans have a certain behaviors of a try to encourage because I don’t know Champaign Illinois and they had on the website these Comedians loveloud hecklers and we have to show people coming up I have never been in front of a drunkard crowd and they were like heckling as you would like the minute
what are yelling at you like you’re melting the guillotine in there just screaming
weather in folded clothes in Phoenix that yeah that scared
that’s like Freedom Riders in the south of the sexy that’s going to bold
going to be coming your way
Spencer you’re in deep shit man
we did okay we did the club and are you doing anything in Washington DC and Arlington Virginia at the Cinema Drafthouse yes, haha
Britain Virginia
again I’ve decided a club called Sir lamps alot I’m not getting a Milwaukee laugh a lot of it was gratifying we have sold out the black cat it was a club I would go to when I was young place out huh because it’s 730 tickets sold it was like literally I mean we do a lot of place holds about 900 shows here and punk shows tend to be a little
stop biking literally are fans for coffee and they could only put like the bunch of little messed out thrash man I can easily get 900 I’m very excited to come see Zach Galifianakis and Ryan Jose dad had taught at so I got the DVRs catch it all. I need a new sections of the country where are Aria just so fat we have a full house really Rascal scooter so you guys did really well tonight we had
well well this has been edifying if I can I’ll just tired I can’t wait to hear the Phoenix podcast I don’t think that’s going to be in Atlanta Atlanta is is weirdly either fun or awful the one thing I love about Atlanta is the freak scene there that’s the one place because it’s so hot and so humid there’s just we drove by this golf club called The Vault and it was like early evening like 5 I had to be 111 degrees out to watch with just their makeup like they’re all in black and they’re waiting to get into the Vault and they’re so committed but it’s all like a guy a guy off in Atlanta is a fucking here
like that is a superhero when it’s like lipstick is just where you are yeah Nashville Charlotte’s and then for some reason I don’t know but it’s almost every night when you’re in the shower and told her I was for us where is Brooklyn the next from Charlotte January it’s going to be at Northeast and then across the top of the country during late January and that was sitting right there but
there’s a good chance you get to get to be one of those people who knows who would have fired him
wow the Northeast in January to Denver Colorado. That’s a long at the long Pole right this time of year is really dicey to get to where the ice in the door at the Rocky Mountains in The Shining like you to go get a fucking Hobie Cat or something to get through that snow it’s going to be bad if I would I would take you don’t take some take some sturdy pioneer women in case you get stuck in a
snow storm or something
what’s your pemmican budget on this for
dad everyone get a clipping of his clothes as a relic is this can be it I mean
Jamesy like fuck off I’m getting
Subway Surf never going to miss a gigger to understand cuz it’s so break-neck and it’s going to be bad weather and it’s also weird facts
what does the fox say I mean you you Garner the favor of a very gullible God right you know that’s true
just as Fierce as the tools you can think up do them every morning spinning widdershins rabbit feed just the whole time while you always in the bus how many how many breaks were there a hotel on a we are always in the bus sometimes you just get add a room or you can use the damn room and shower and change cuz we couldn’t afford for hotel rooms so we stayed in some hotels that were so soup like the the the ghost of so many acts suicidal truckers we’re just trying out for the mattresses I don’t know what kind of hotel accommodations you’ve where do you think you’re saying are you sleeping on the bus or something we have to get in the bus right after the show cuz it’s a giant like Long Long Haul to somewhere else there will be gigs wheel and we haven’t like a couple hotel rooms to you know shower and shave and that kind of stuff
Shaker is feeling a huge disturbance in the forest wherever he’s sitting like Jesus someone someone’s going to die I feel I got to do something
warm up my grammy fingers yeah exactly is going to be cameras everywhere in this whole time I don’t know how we had were cameras I guess again and again in 10 years what you’re doing is going to seem quaint was weird it was it was only 2013 it was just because but yeah well is there anything before I know your time is precious is there anything uplifting you’d like to say before you go and this is a truly uplifting thing I would totally do it if you do a successful tour as much of it as a business physically exhausting as it is when you do a long tour and you come back to whatever your home City especially La your home City seems so manageable and tameable after being out there and he missed
gigantic crazy country come back to LA you like I can get anything done here I almost wish that when I was a wedding DJ we had this thing where it way way way way way way way there’s some cards on the you want to grab.
At a wedding a success of it was it a sign of a successful marriage if anything went wrong at the wedding night it’s like I was like that the Judas basically everything fucking goes wrong and you commence it everything else against that happens to be exactly right lately they seem like they’re hipsters are good kids cuz they’re they’re hipsters in a state that that that doesn’t even respect America that compound the hippie song with the gasoline what do you want to talk to me
alright well let’s think Patton Oswalt for coming by
what a drink so bad that was that was that was what I wanted I guess I wanted reheat Whitley he gave us a real information yeah it don’t take a shit in the bus
I can’t remind you that enough
for that like like you know whenever you see a gas station make sure you buy some pants will why because this is something you can make your antenna work I see you’re not just some weird shit that like but but but he he really really put the scanner on me are you nervous
Jesus Christ
that sounds like a rap god
number to come freestyle freestyle freestyle coming at your ass I got Howard hesseman at The Head of the Class
stop Rhymes coming out all the time
FreeStyle got a silver style freestyle got a silver Rapids going badly your mom’s name Hadley it’s a name you can look it up I saw your mama I got a drink
I got to have a drink I never told you not to drink I never told you not to drink are you going to do it be strong and be strong
it’s like The Price is Right how many by by cheering how many of you out there to wish she wouldn’t drink have to continue the experiment
okay now how many people want to see Dan drink
what’s a minority group of people but drunker and louder sexy slow
where is the first time your hand as I feel the groove that man rapping about race
rapping by Braves
rapping Bop with complications with the color of your face
some people got dark skin some people got like some people purple some people white but we got to come together in a big spaceship
we got to come together in a big spaceship
rap about race I met an Indian man in China he said my race couldn’t look at the top of a coconut tree he said why don’t you Hold My Body I said I hold you back I want you to hold me I said
rap about race
rap about Grace
it’s a rap about race I got a black friend
cheapest real got a black thread
I can feel however I want when I’m standing next to my black friend
racist but blah blah blah I can say that shit because I got my black friend feeling it on the sidelines we go to get my black friend says I think I’m in the mood for fried chicken and it’s not racist because he’s black
there’s a downside I’m always terrified
Vinny’s Pizza
salient
alright Everyone’s a Critic Keith Sweat let’s keep that love keep the fever pitch rolling right to it and it starts with the fact that my beautiful perfect girlfriend are mcgathey
for those of you who don’t know
we always hate surprise parties with it we we’ve done them to pass price pretty seem like a very strange things that have to do to people because you did the fact that the party exist is the surprise so I know you spend the entire day tricking people into thinking that no one’s doing anything for them and then they’re they’re surprised as though you did and it just seems like it causes a lot of misery and so we both agree like she was like I’ll never throw you a surprise party but it could I do this thing for you that would be a surprise at your party can the nature of your party be a surprise for you yes of course darling she published a fucking book of all of my bolshit from the internet talking about jerking off to other women or dating them and breaking up with them and having my heart broken she’s scaring all that stuff and then picking the good stuff from the bad stuff and all of it is just me you got a big narcissistic Ranch
I would like flaky there are there are a girl friends that would you know justifiably go I don’t want to reward this like he needs to come down a couple notches but she just like it’s like that arm wrestling say just go with the force you know that’s exactly like likes she’s she’s celebrating my ego for my birthday I walked into my my living room and she’d gathered 60 of my my finest friends and they all did selected readings of this book that I didn’t know I had written until that moment and then they all had me sign it and and it was like this narcissist dream it was really amazing through it and it’s like it’s like a long time in a female’s are trees or things like that of your Mania and your your life right so here’s the weird side effect of it so people are excited about it and there’s Dan Harmon fans online to see how there’s nine hundred copies of this
she’s going to she’s going to sell sell them fruit during a limited time I have to try to find this someone in the audience that has a phone that I’ll be able to read that I’m not like trying to multitask bring up the the if you can find it the onion AV club article that is about the the book is that enough information to find it at first that they can handle their phone like like like bring it up when I texted me article about the book it’s like getting oh wow that’s great that’s really great news I went to look at it just to verify that that’s the case and then why do I always do this scroll down to the comment section
I thought that I was impervious but this is it like it is
but I also think that my definition of stuff that hurts is so different from other people ratio of the other thing I felt like I was just like this unilateral so I can like who the fuck this guy what is he why does he want me to buy his book and
all right baby you can give you at the Jeff and he could maybe take a couple tasty ones so they do I just want to like I just want to I’m going to stop at the ones that really really hurt me
Sports of the first and a clean shirt
that’s not that’s that’s a fan
search Netflix I know the one underneath it and an autograph self-taken photo of Dan Harmon crying lamenting why you couldn’t just let him be great
that hurts I’ve got this seven ones that were not so bad
well yeah then is whether just like I don’t give a shit about the collected online ready to Dan Herman that’s fine but my type on this page
I know but that so that person says that and then that serves as a route for a bunch of people to chime in replying to that person did this person who doesn’t give a shit about my collected on my writing about the collected works of Dan Harmon enough for all of us
by all of us I mean everyone who existed in the past everyone currently alive and everyone who will ever enter this Mortal coil
oh by the way.
Gee I wonder where this is coming from his one that’s all caps and this one is pretty online writings of Dan Harmon sucks
yeah that doesn’t next project will be a delightfully quirky sitcom about a delightfully quirky group of six to eight delightfully quirky friends who hang out in acting delightfully quirky send up the various movies and TV shows while yelling at everyone within earshot that their vision is too beautiful and unique for this dark and Savage world
so it’s so now our crime is wanting people to be happy and my hours I mean mine but like I just I got this notice is this a good step on blocking someone that needs to move right behind the store the end it was like a roller skate
probably stop with this one because this one is
Jesus Christ is the Ghost of Christmas present
Adam Goldberg Jewish I don’t get Christmas presents materialize there 53 seconds floated off of me and and the cloud formed into and Jim traficant respond seriously… Those Orson Welles level bags in that drawing maybe he had Harmon sit for the drawing after a week-long bender of Shame as comedy writers are prone to say that just calling me a comedy writer and saying that I’m dedicated to my work that someone says fake being a fucking slab in a maniac but I don’t like his people implying that I think that they should like me
do this is like my soft spot is is pretense like like if you want to know how to really hurt me is like the idea that I think that I’m special because I don’t think it’s because of my brother growing up under my brother who was who no longer listen to the podcast but hopefully and if he does talk to him cuz he got really mad about me telling stories about him that we’re by the prices

people are mean to you on the internet because you’re not made if you go to harmontown, which we should all do I have to show its unanimous but I am the hero parents like I love Goldberg he’s strapped the Hamburglar territory as like he’s he’s embracing his role as a as a hazard product spokes villain
get away from there Goldberg
it’s like at a ski show like what the Goldbergs behind you. It’s more like a Fruity Pebbles of your self-respect
yes precisely that’s another yes that’s another example
I don’t care what you’re holding I don’t care what your hands are you fucking I’m going to come tell you right now either rapping or you’re getting off the stage
pump going to wrap it up Goldberg style they’re going to take a while then I thanks for the podcast had a lot of fun with the people that I just can’t rap about and I’ll say is I don’t know I thought you were bored
guest apartment downstairs.
One more time for Adam Goldberg everybody
I just wanted to pay for my own safety
yeah it’s the last thing I see before I die is going to be I’m going to wake up with a butcher knife
it was there was a there was a there was an ending of a Law & Order where they went to do with this like really vicious prison gang and end up and they if they put the with everyone was really intimidated by them jurors and stuff like that and what they pursued the case and they won for justice and then the epilogue of the Law & Order episodes are there on the streets in New York and that the Ada is walking and getting a hot dog and some guy and Tattoos comes up next to her and goes gives me so and so and she goes yeah and you go so you can tell your boss we were this close and he walks away and I just leaves on her going
Gilbert was that close to have no like like like like me there will be no warning will be in your backseat does he have the taxi driver gun thing that looks like a biological weapon that like like turn out that he’s one of his hands is a lizard and there’s no
did you get time to bring up Spencer dwelling on, I don’t know whether or not but but it definitely affects me a lot of people are responding and then a guy says yeah I’ve gone from loving him and Community to hating him and loving Community that’s really sad all right I wanted to tell you got it oh yeah
not really what I wanted I wanted to explore it cuz you guys are my therapist that’s all I just wanted to say it out loud and it kind of hit me in the solar plexus like like reading those comments and I was texting Aaron about it I was like what the fuck is going on why am I so affected by this time so shield in places where everybody usually text you know in like a weird shit like it’s me and it has something to do with my card sorting through it has something to do with was needing other people’s approval which is at the door but like like like like like I’m 40 years old I am allowed to now become a a dispenser of of of of happiness I can’t expect to get it like like like like said to me like a baby bird anymore I can still be insecure and express my anxieties and stuff but there is the people that write that shit they don’t expect my dumb fat ass to be like scrolling through it and then
you want to have an impact on human beings are just screaming at the sky notice me
so I disagree I think they actually do think I think not all of us and then who’s who’s was this reminder but I might have forgotten to thank you for your wonderful birthday gift I’m assuming it was our New Year’s gifts maybe Christmas gift got a package got pretty boring when you know when dance number of ways something could be a gift that’s what I checked out so these thick 380th person cramped in the back corner I’d say it’s time to kick the show and overdrive apparently Spencer Drive anybody know
do you have any musicals name isn’t what this is this is the new Spencer’s name
we have our own legally clearable
alright Spencer’s our dungeon master of those of you just tuning in are we love and adore him we found them out of her own audience and Spencer is going to take off I need to leave a job behind was you come on tour with us yeah I work at a Apple Store near my house and I work in the back I count boxes it’s fun to tell you you got you got a furlough you get to come on leave with harmontown you can and he’s going to be on the tour bus with us dungeon mastering every dungeon that we try to answer
didn’t get any of that Patton Oswalt horror stories and Phoenix are there that where you at all Spencer do you feel like I don’t want to die in a jackknife
bus accident that’s pretty ignominious that’s no good you guys I got a new gadgets and stuff are with me find out in the back room of the store.
yeah I mean we just sometimes we count less
right. We’re riding bikes the other day oh yeah you know me and Traders help us play. We decided that the Cavalcade of stars that wasn’t quite complete yet we’re going to bring up somebody’s never played D&D before I was going to fill in and maybe in some guests are all that Spencer has created this person knows nothing of the NBA has never ever played it but maybe you know him the television is Ryan Stiles
I have to sit down because I’ve had so much of this sweet sweet Liquors
I think it’s very nice you quit drinking because of your open
it’s very odd that you’re stopping because of her yet I’m backstage do it lines up for kids
better you don’t know I think I think they were her tits are you
pinnacle health stock how do I do too perfectly for moles to get a good are your going on tour with Jeff are you on a bus yes you’re in for 2 or 3 hours a day of retarded Elvis
no more two more though do more of it
3 hours 3 hours
I mean I’m in a bunk in the back he’ll open the curtains and start doing some tonight yes or no do you have to keep it but I thought you were asking for no no no no no
silverware just cleansing for 4 days at we’re going to the green stuff you’re drinking next day it was finished vodka and cranberry is there cut back there anybody more kale for dancing
that’s fantastic four hours $10 and lower and lower becomes almost a challenge who can do the bassist comedy this week
surprisingly easy he stole the show I have it on my iPhone have the script and a Half Men together and we’re not together I never wear it videos is there really
we’re going to do a run-through Charlie Gino’s
I have to leave at some point drug right in the middle of heart or toward like the like the like 2/3 of the tour I leave harmontown to go do shows with you and Greg jump on the road we were in some small town in Canada and I think it was a bikini bronco riding at night there’s a Marquee in front of a place called Cactus Jack’s and his dad posted of the Cactus Jack is pretty it’s pretty rare in the only suit in town
store screwdrivers and I can leave it here you get it when you get up when you go when you leave you can get your ass. Your shift back how long have you been dating this girl right on the first day
Jesus’s birthday you had me that’s great
exciting and everything how old is she and how old are you I’m just curious
just turned 28 and I just turned 40 wow that’s interesting
you’re 40. Really need for you to look and you still look at your penis in the mirror and I really got to look at my body naked all the time and you really down there isn’t some people are showers I’m a rich tractor Mo Mars exploration equipment it looks like you just look down there to help you know what helps me Golden Girls reruns
alright so do we do you know anything about DND at all
he’s right outside of his kind of a kind of a cold
hi Spencer if you would how does this work I’m going to bring us back this up or do I need to know if I have a specific time
no way to avoid it
what is the here fuck off it’s not here
hey Ryan I remember when I went to be Two and a Half Men yes I do that when we last met Lord but a lot who attacked the adventurers in a fit of rage after Lord mango head fall in his Barbarian tribes men came out of hiding they think Sharpie for quilling Lord woke up the barbaric paterfamilias mango came to in a confused days first ornery and eager to fight because his dad but then his prior Behavior revealing his true intentions the Warchief explain the powerful effects of the magical fragments of flour and their role in the formation of the Multiverse
in a fit of Madness the great Lord snatched up his Redstone and swallowed in one single confusing gold
this odd gesture can’t help but remind you of Admiral Darkstar That blackguard Awkward fellow at from the ziggurat that evil malevolence who swore to steal and destroy your planet with the power of the fragments just then the party heard the unmistakable sound of an approaching or Strahan Cavern
all right I will do it when I wasted that horse will be played by Ryan Stiles starting about my name is Cork and he’s Sharpie Marion notice you doing here
I got the paper for my dad’s I have no idea what’s going on at the football here so good
I always got to stare at it that I never liked the information never makes it a all the way into my brain cuz there’s other things going on that where you fought Lord Barbara Lord butts a lot
and it is still with you he’s still with the barbarians you guys were just having a nice chat he he ate one of those things and you guys are like what one of the fragments yeah and what was the advise what we had some people come down and help us out. About that one fragment that he’s eating right somebody said chance to check magic and then what will we we we we we do this every week that it carries on its cable
we detected some shards in his stomach and then that was a big red wagon all right so I can look at what what what the wagon is
you looked at the door I have my guess is I think it’s a wagon
you’re not sure why Caravan would come here of all places the ruins of a newly destroyed Nolan cabinet you hear the gruff gravelly voice from inside a cart call out welcome to wonder wagon the car screeches to a halt about 15 feet away from you
and it’s wooden panels collapse hours revealing an equally questionable decorated storefront you seek food craft supplies materials leather goods clothing weapons jewels and all manner of a sort of knickknacks in curios and before you stands presumably Olaf a halfling with a large turbine than an orange mustache
that’s you all right so you’re playing a shopkeeper here’s your thing I wrote a list of things you sell on the back but you can also sell other things
bye have a good day to you sir
tell me what you think I have a long list
we are adventurers we are statues are filled with treasures and gold nothing for me you’re such a hoe. Let me check but I do have a healing pendant and a portable hole
yes yes the portable hole is $40 stainless downtown
architecture
well I’m kind of at a loss I don’t really I’m not really in a shopping mood but the shopkeeper might give us depends on what you want if you have anything weird you can ask them about it you can ask questions as everything Pitbull strength is on sale this week
how much is a bow strings 3 / 49
49 I can get to 450 downtown
what does the I do have smoke sticks did you come see can cigarette smoke 6 I think they’re similar I don’t I could give you some ice
smoke sticks do smoke sticks release an acrid smoke that creates a smokescreen for a short. Of time obscuring vision
you may not take them to the land of Calabasas
carton of smokes that Darkness book Styx Grand Illusion illusion of what is that means it’s not a candle was one of those kind of crappy things you’ve been here before
that was your portable hole
I want to show Olaf the the shards if you know what I mean and see if he’s if he’s heard any challenge their Origins are any rumors about them
take a look at these magic shards Olaf
what’s the metric charts you bring these to me of power I don’t really know what are the charts at Spencer the shards Olaf doesn’t know much about the shards but he knows their value is beyond compare you would offer to buy them although he knows there’s no price that you’d willingly take for such a valuable artifact I will buy those from you
name your price I don’t think I don’t think there’s any price for which we part with them but it has to be a reason that this this man is come across our path I believe that everything is fated to be Sharpie Jesus
all right well I mean I can come up with a price you’re going to get caught with a shitload of shards that you can’t get rid of
sharks do we need to have a full set you don’t know there’s no way of knowing if we have two and trapeze mango as one of the stomach right now and one of them you could potentially do that he’s standing in the foreground you’re going to need a portable hole for that
like a template Peter something and then drop your friend down there and pick it up and take him and put him in a wall in a like falling how tall is Olaf Olaf would be about 4 or 4 feet tall. Olaf is Big Olaf is a halfling halflings are very small so two halflings is worth depends on where year in exchange rate
how much for the portable hole is is it really it’s 50/50 gold pieces worth $40 with the shark we got to hang out of the shards what is so important about these charts yes me and my biking
what if someone else would ask me for Richard and I had no showings and yet I have an Overstock portable holes
you should we take the sky Olaf he has his great inventory of such we take him along with his down the road in case we need something or is there something special that we need to get off of Olaf here I mean I can’t tell you I’m just like a disembodied voice that describes things around you
however I like a wife
I wish I wish I will say that you here and off off kilter sound it seems like it’s coming from the West it sounds like vicious clacking or maybe Slither and you don’t even know what squirrel
you summon a squirrel investigate that sound small animals once a day there’s only one way to summon a squirrel and you know the song Jeff the squirrel song
climbing trees spreading disease squirrels squirrels
right now I’ve been around a long time
you’re going to get.
What do I smell gravy over there
Olaf do I smell gravy of course you do that’s from the gravy pillow it’s an invention of mine I don’t believe so
gravy to go investigate the via the sound you send the squirrel off you wait for what seems like enough time what the score
but the squirrel does not return and it does not return still visible in satin does that guy have good deals eat sharks much yeah yeah you need to internalize the power before you can have Mastery over it that’s just you know gravity
trapeze barbarians aren’t well-known alleged
I figured you’re supposed to wait like 45 minutes
blackout drunk all that when we played it was a month ago but but did I did I did I think that eating a Shard was a good idea no I don’t think you did all right yeah cuz my dad just doesn’t understand magic no he’s here yeah it’s Bush League
squirrel come back Jeff
well okay I’m going to put some in my right on that something isn’t right she’s on my arm Avenger mihok who I forgot for several months
Avenger gives out a week cry as if it hasn’t been fed in several months
Avenger go get the squirrel Avenger flies off your arm in circles the sky far away the returns Avenger see you he gives you a look that says I didn’t see a squirrel but there’s something coming go on
I’d be able to understand describe it better if I weren’t just a level 3 familiar I’m not smart
don’t sell yourself short let me tell you something
it did seem to shift and change position as it approached as if I couldn’t quite make out where it was already bought the portable hole right I know who do I give it up A Shard for a whole I’ll give you three gold pieces for a portable hole
all right I got smokes in a portable hole now my inventory correct
Snoopy all Dan Harmon about it the portable hole at 6.
Is there anything else in your and your your where’s that we might be interested so don’t be I have so much stuff I have a quail’s feathers bag of tricks boots
I did I mention the part of a whole
I have everything you could possibly want both strength I mention that I’m not up on the game I asked my Dad what’s the what’s what’s happening to the West hemotions a figure towards you and then puts his ear to the ground
soon he raises his head from the ground and growls something you haven’t heard in quite a while
displacer Beast
displacer beast oh yeah displacer Beast those fearsome creatures you see you can’t determine where they truly are only where you think they may be for their shifting appearance can move them around almost randomly as if by some powerful illusion
yeah that’s cool. How would you like to head east in Your Wagon
he says I always knew you were a quitter but don’t be don’t be a you know down on yourself because you’ll always be that way by
he fucked up to the West
he fucks off to the West he does
wake me up at 11 title of this podcast
was that your dad that I have a relationship
I just I just dropped off to the west but that’s enough
where can I buy service yeah yeah yeah we should go with him it’s your dad Sharpie round
turn the wagon around can use to hit me with a belt I check to see if I have one of those
but I have no about to hit you with I don’t want to get hit anymore I want his approval that’s what happens when you hit a kid he thinks it’s his fault forever unfillable like a portable hole
I would think you would understand
call monger
set term effects of small part of my stock are we headed west now let’s all go west and follow your father joined him in battle you know yeah I could use a little nap while you’re driving all right
spurred on by my hatred and love of my father I I take it out on the on the on the team of horses
the cycle of abuse continues
the weather like going to the cycle of abuse
big titty roll the die before age 17
that’s a strong abuse right there I will catch up to Sharpie Sgt go rather you catch up to Mango you seem to be confused you arrived on the scene you see mango lying on the floor in a pool of blood he’s surrounded by for displacer Beast he’s unresponsive
it’s not even the most powerful spell adjust my trademark can you hit the displacer Beast
he takes I’m sorry you guys he takes to damage damn it I suck
I’m still sleeping
I wake Olaf Olaf Olaf I Want A Shard I haven’t got a sharp Spencer is it a bad idea to give you advice there a Berserker rage and I know it was my first
you fling yourself at the wild displacer beast
strike a hit
but a displacer beast at the last second is thin air she’s five foot to the left of where you thought he was a squirrel
Olaf my father needs healing formidable fighter if he’s healed he’ll be able to help us good healing pendant
right here how much is it it’s a shark
Publix it is don’t ask me anymore
but entire wagon is yours first start to see if you don’t help us right now this is supposed to be so could kill all of us when we need to work together as a team right now I don’t think the Beast is after me is it toxic
let me know when I can cast a spell there dangerous shoulder-mounted tentacles towards you if you were on my Tumblr
I am sure but it’s got just got tentacles right tackles out of remember those from eighth grade and 12th grade
bird’s-eye prom
house
give them don’t hit you somehow

Drake’s you with the tentacled cork yeah you all right it does eight damage to you what to do when I have a moderate wounds I don’t know cuz you didn’t deal for it I have one
it’d be in your inventory I mean if you do it’s fine
you want to smoke a smoked today
I’ll give you a shot I’ll give you a healing what it was at the healing pendant for free it feels like it’ll heal you
does it work you you wait for it it’s booting up okay you need to put on these boots as well you gained back 8 help Google help
now you can cast a spell to turn monster to all right give me once they summon monster till you can pick a monster from which to summon I’ll let these Celestial giant be Celestial giant bombardier beetle Celestial reading dogs less your evil her Eagle let me hear that’s a devil fiendish squid finish monstrous spider fiendish monstrous scorpion feeder shark snake
what you guys wanted to watch a squid guy that’s all you want to do this is my life
some of the Celeste you’ll be it glows with the presence of the other world awaits your command
how many of those displacer beast speedtalk and I mean I mean attack them okay that’s what it said one of the displacer Beast it stings it wickedly with its sting it hits but does it really is until it was as his place or beast is struck by The Sting they deal 6 damage
it’s in the way that you use my attack flaming sword on the different one
okay you hit
it does to damage god dammit I didn’t do fire damage does 6 damage
Olaf has a gun but the fuck is going on here
where you at are you home your gun I don’t know am I I guess throw a dice what you have a gun
I don’t know if you’re keeping score we got our asses kicked back there man I didn’t see the gun and seemed to normal I guess I have a gun can I use a gun you do you have a a shoot gun from an alternate I shoot gun later you can try either Olaf
yes I like your style of you as well take chemicals whatever where’s the best place to shoot it right between the tentacles the head
right between the Trickle
oway
is there a parachute comes out deals 13 damage
I killed that motherfucker has the Beast explained
B & J
Jim cell
play some throwback
how many heartbeats are alive to a shoot gun to reload a shoot gun
what is my mysterious Emerald dagger do you don’t even know man it’s so mysterious
I can’t wait to find out.
Scroll of no wait
I’m a bomb you have a bum
I am so sorry guys I forgot I have a bomb a bomb + 6 + 6 I guess that’s Freudian George Lucas
I can
I can throw at forty feet apparently he has red hair though
displacer Beast there about
oh and you know what I didn’t see this it sometimes blast multiple enemies
I could throw up Richard
if I give you a shower refill the bomb I give Olaf his Shard you give Olaf The Shard
what is the Coronavirus
I just want one fucking Shard I’ll give you a shout if you promise I will is there more than one Beast there’s a there’s to be slapped and will take care of them
it’ll hurt you have multiple bombs I think so I don’t think so
maybe you misplaced your s
you cast burning hands what level are you guys at
he does six damage fire damage so how close are these guys to being dead you don’t know if they look burnt
don’t give him your shirt man who makes your attack less accurate check out the mysterious Emerald dagger you like that, good night for the elf boots to I put on the change shirt and the elf boots and take out my Emerald dagger you do those things
it was written so it shall be
oh yeah speaking of which
hope you get struck with a tentacle Sharpie you take 11 damage
yeah he’s writing it down with a big smile on his face yeah that hurt that hurt true
scorching Ray scorching Ray
first time I’ve used it like a waving your hands in a magical Manor
several bolts of scorching rays
used by Alliance shut you guys I’m terrible
pray it deals
I can’t count on fire damage
he’s on the ropes mysterious Emerald dagger Into the Heart of the displacer Beast it glows with a green bright light you see it shatter into pieces and next to it the real displacer Beast emerges it can no longer use its ability
can’t help what yeah just a shoot gun he does I do ya
shoot shoot I’m waiting to see
you mean my + 9 attack bonus is that what I mean that’s there that’s your attack roll date more shots no okay you just have infinite ammo what yeah that’s the bomb my mistake okay yeah do you want to shoot again
this is not my problem these guys came up to me
I got my shower that’s all I wanted
I don’t know what the fuck I want to do I’m so confused it’s only numbers and you can’t count
you should shoot gun against multiple enemies okay I’m using my shoot gun shoot
oh shoot
the the shotgun blast fires through one of the displacer beast but it was really somewhere else dealing
7 damage the displacer Beast balls slang
are we done with more than one more one more are you sorry you guys can we throw a little portable hole of entrapment in the whole can we you can try that see how tall is the Beast there probably about three foot of the troll that comes in handy doesn’t it
I’m taller than this Beast by about a foot you’re not as long as it though
I would speak with animals work with a with a displacer beast you can try I speak to this place of yeast
what are you doing
watch this
hey you’re kind of being a dick
you killed my parents just now
play all that you with a tentacle that misses wow
you summon a swarm it can be a bezoar bats quit bees the swarm of bees now exist
can you switch the final displacer Beast it seems to be annoyed and stung but it doesn’t seem to be taking very much damage it is rather distracted and bothered and seems to no longer regard you over the pain of it stings
I loosen the mail lid somebody pop it open
I throw knives you throw knives how many gold just one you throw just one night right
you strike the displacer Beast
it teleports away you don’t you can still speak with animals though your parents why don’t we
why don’t you smoke some of these smoke smoke sticks around it it regards the smoke sticks
the middle plume of smoke around the displacer Beast you can no longer see it
way to go Jeff
going up to a sama Bin Laden is putting body armor on them I haven’t disability help you cannot get attacked
Sia good luck can I put that on my way as well. You just drinking and turned his weapon Focus sword it means you’re slightly better than the average person with a sword will you can use it more it doesn’t get used up
you roll a critical hit
sorry guys I can’t do math I’m terrible at everyone you just threw
they still alive is he I don’t know I’m I’m building tension
you broke the tension too early to make sure I throw my climbing kit
into the air like a graduate yes
Titans in the world spill everywhere
credits roll on this segment
what’s up The Shard motherfuker
Tammy Dodge
uncanny Dodge Dodge
it’s not your father’s uncanny Dodge it works both have that let’s have that stick you now regard him as a trusted friend and Ally you do very much to please him not that
nnn he’ll my dad whatever it takes please
well how about another healer pendant I have one left you still wearing that healing pain to jump I give the healing pain from a to a to Sharpie he has he received it I give it to my dad he cannot receive it for his unconscious I take it and get the hell out
your charms if you don’t want to do that so I’m not going to fire hydrant I would happen What would happen if you made a mistake and he didn’t put it on his dad and he put it on the the serpent that everything would have exploded
that’s not even a joke
can you place the necklace around your father’s you know neck that’s where it goes
slowly seeping back into his body
I posted our sampler it gets like 3,000 reblogs or something
soon he will be healed
time passes he is healed
Dad hey hey son where’d you come from I was drawn by your horrible emotional abuse come to take a run at your own man aren’t you that’s very brave I love you I came to save you from those displacer Beast
that’s very touching I’m sorry I don’t mean to be laughing Sun save me you did this is twice you’ve saved me and the first was from myself cuz he was raging remember I thought you were talking about your alcohol for it down the drain can I tell you guys something please I don’t know why I ate that Shard just seem cool I wanted you guys to like me
do we have any ipecac or is it
take the political horrible.
Stupid isn’t it that is stupid
that was a whole can only be placed on a flat surface
dad you got to trust me these shards need to be dealt with with with with Care on your magical supervision you are a man of barbarism I am a man of magic I know you never approved of it but maybe it was fate that I would come back into your life now when you’ve encountered these things like you can just give you your shark when you poop it out
Olaf summons a horde of squirrels
I just saw that
as a gnome you’re very jealous of his ability to summon multiple squirrels at once
squirrels out of your father’s stomach right then you hear it humming sound sounds like it’s coming from above it gets louder and louder and then be its pierced by a deafening cracking Crescendo you look up and see a huge Rift opening in the morning Sky a red Scar in The otherwise blue expanse and black shapes begin flooding out of it these dark metallic Sleek ships Float On Air as easily as if it were seeing sale forward without need for sales the humming subsides but you can hear a distinct popping sound black cylinders rain down from the ship’s plummeting to Earth with heavy crashes and thought the fleet of ships sail swiftly away Mingos face grows serious you can hear a far-off voice thing
Admiral wine so I can hear the voice again say that take something else for me to say that was a very clever
all right all right
whatever Spencer everybody are dungeon master
well I write thank you so much for letting me be a part of that
what are you get the man who has everything and it was really nice cuz you’re cute gun I didn’t even see how that stuff till you know halfway through I have had this for months I’ve never really looked at him I have no idea or ask me anything about any part of the game ever
so you two don’t talk outside of the show the show yeah it is and I really need them
why do not for now button that says I get and I love Spencer but it’s inside of a Hearts it’s a it’s a 20-sided die
City doesn’t make sense does it Spencer
I roll Spencer and his uncle said to him before he died he could teach us venture to count on that trip that would be nice
it’s going to be fun for you then it seems a lot of fun really did you hear what patent was saying no he was Dire it was different places and you’re going to play with friends he probably digs alone right now it was with the Maria Bamford and then I don’t know Brian Hussein and the Gallagher I can’t remember I didn’t see the first date but your neck of the woods up in Washington look me up
are you wearing pulling up there in the box somewhere up there I don’t know Portland beautiful little sister city
are we in the show Jeff I think I think you and Ryan rap no no no no no no
I’ll tell you I’ll tell you what I’d like to see I like to see a bit of a rat mixed in with a bit of retarded eldest in the show about giving us we haven’t done this when it says
it says smooth smooth jazz
we’ll try a couple days and see what we got here
oh yeah thanks for coming
I don’t forget to
brush your teeth pencil safety is the key to happy brush your teeth don’t let them get crappy eat apples and other kinds of fruit
I don’t give a hoot
crossed daily or you’ll get cavities your mama till she falls to her knees
I think Eric idle everybody’s are coming out
Patton Oswalt
Ryan Stiles Arizona
thank you so much for coming tonight we’re going to be gone for a month and when we come back I want to see all of you here to welcome us back home please and thank you guys in the back for that couldn’t have been fun standing back there thank you for being loyal Armenians back there
fuck your mama going to fuck your mama gave ya like your mom but like she was a piece of wood fuck your mom I like a rocking like a dirt the fuck your mama cuz I don’t like to flirt I fuck your mama
like a good and hard fuck your mama like a magic Crystal Shard talk to your mama like a third-level magic-user fuck your mama cuz she is a heroin abuser
that was at meter doesn’t mean your mama doesn’t deserve my weiner fuck your mama your mouth East-West and pepper but your master
sorry about your sorry about everything and we’ll see you back in La we’re going to try to put together a big show a really big show when they come back
like I like I like a major one you guys have been fantastic for over a year and now we’re going to go out and see
how bad it is
good night

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