Episode: 32 – Harmoncountry: Arlington, VA

Episode

Episode: 32 – Harmoncountry: Arlington, VA

Description

The mayor and comptroller spend their night in the X Files capitol investigating ghosts, aliens, incest and 9-11 before playing D&D with all black people.

Transcript

Pennsylvania harmontown is now in session
how many credibly groovy Hazel Taylor in Pennsylvania for apparently a production of its Jailhouse Rock is going to go on that for us
I’m Jeff Davis, total would you please put your hands together for the mayor of harmontown 10 Hartman
yeah
thank you
welcome to church
this place is gorgeous this is a great theater Greeley tonight and then you’re here if you know that I’m almost annoyingly I kept at it about story structure and in relation even to my own felt like like like physical activity of the course of my life on the course of my evenings and just things like pointing out that we’ve reached the goddess point in this conversation or something stupid a little little little little Campbell Campbell flashing is going to be a story like you do if you plant a potato and then dig it up and then eat it and poop it out your you’re telling a story and and also if you zoom in on the process of digging up the potato there’s a story there and if you could do me on the process of the of the first
shovel dig whatever individual shovel dig is called
Splurge okay you can buy in a Lobby Jeff Jeff the new book of sniglet we’ve been back to the store we’re almost if not exactly depending on where you to find where the threshold across Beginnings which shows you can’t which ones you don’t we are meeting with the goddess here tonight in Pittsburgh in this church and I don’t make the decision for these things to happen I I just I woke up this morning like I don’t want to panic you I was going to be a great show I woke up this morning we did it like I don’t even know if we’ve been having a great time it was just like weird things that happen on a bus I didn’t even know this was the thing in your inner ear I think of gets accustomed to the velocity like like what you used to call sitting still isn’t into you know 70 miles an hour at
especially if you sleeping during it when I was in the box in the bus I woke up in a hotel room this morning and I could swear the entire Hotel was driving down the street with it because my inner ear keeps is being Ricochet back and forth like I’ve been broken down as your hero
and that was the fact that was the straw that broke me down as it has your hero is that guy could have been broken down physically we’re cheating weightlessness here tonight that the Step Beyond us are going to be painful and weird and awesome they’re going to involve. Overtaking us I don’t know if that happens here in this church I think the church isn’t it what was the place I was just commenting on the way it looks
it’s not a church yo it’s not a church yo it’s not Sanctified it’s not glorified the same a Pulpit yo to say the pulpit yo chicken fried I’m not thinking Friday night elf have got behind me on an altar I just want to talk with now and start to falter I thought your mama in the front of the fact I thought you might have noticed he had a heart attack so you can sense it when broken down and
extra-dimensional people clap for that meeting all these comedians whose all this stuff if you listen to the show before we left Patton Oswalt came out and warned us that does Ian McKellen figured I could go in there. You have no idea what lies Beyond The One does not simply walk into Phoenix he was coming from a standpoint and and and also like a podcast standpoint kind of like what we have is is the same people from city-to-city I meet you guys after the shows of it is I signed stuff at shake your hand I interact with you I cosmically intermingle and you’re all not in a bad way you’re all the same like what we are at we have achieved data back the results are in Armenian is a Armenian is a is a is a loving nerd we have a definition now
that was so that was one of the many things that that does not necessarily failing
I know that I have you that you’ll give me time to get around to my point I know that I don’t have to pull out a rubber chicken I don’t even let you know I know who you guys are and I know where we stand with each other I guess I do Jeff
this is a steel Drive in town that’s the only difference Steelers baby
Dan Harmon start running now he’s about to tell you about the chances in there the big game tomorrow what do you think about the Steelers this season all right you know you’ve got cookies got click winch control on the on the on the tight end and and and he’s doing great but he needs to be paired with Hodgkin’s we talked about Titans versus just like what what do you what do you think the role of the tight end really isn’t an offense he’s got to be there for him to keep icing his knee he’s got to be there to receive the receiver fails than that then the tight end has to pet the back up the linebacker when the quarterback throws those messages on as I call him especially with the Steelers
you know you got I got Hodgkin’s and on on on quarterback or either either on your knee or you’re catching that ball secondary yeah I think it’s I think it’s a bunch of trumped-up stuff I think it’s ruined the game for the fans
I don’t think that I guess I think it’s a myth I think I think I think I think it look I mean we’re we’re familiar with the first quarter and in football you know we we love the third quarter but there’s four quarters to a game why do you need to say Secretariat’s it’s stupid it’s because if we’re gone conclusion that you have between the Rams and the 49ers you know that sucks but you got to keep that ball moving down the field under screen proper leadership you know as a coach that they would have gone against the 49ers in and taken away the golden golden pig
call kurtinitis you had them favorite going into the game with a prove that games ago and it was Jeff it’s just if people put too much milk
I love sports. I love the Steelers I love I love sports because it’s physical and I’m very very physical as a person you could you can tell from the sound of my voice that I do you play a sport in school ever know all of them I couldn’t keep my hands off of how much I like you please let me just want to I just want to judge Myself by how far a fucking ball I can hit with a stick or a club or it were my own hand yes I want to wrestle around in the dirt and I want it I want to feel bad if someone physically pins me down in addition to the actual pain of being physically pinned down I want to actually feel emotional pain I want to feel like I let my father down by not being able to lift a brick
what sport is that pig pig skin be a basketball league has routine like like the way that they would beat the other team with only four players on the court weekend I would just walk around like a rodeo clown and every once in awhile and accidentally catch the ball and then here we go and I do something with it
immediately and I would just cry and left on the way home
Mighty Mite basketball I had to in gym I remember one time I hit the ball actually hit it and it went out and do the saying and I ran and I ran around at first I rounded second and I was like holy shit how far did I have this ball around its third I came but the catcher was in tears I had thrown in the back with my own decisions because I am so excited that I hit the ball I had went to the bat over my shoulder into his face or sternum or something he was in tears Banned Me from baseball they they they they everyone with booing me Victory lap after having a kid
the guy caught the ball but he did he didn’t throw it cuz he was just like I ended baseball that day it was over there’s no more baseball has been as there’s been a beating on the playground name to Parker and then he was crying and no one stopped him because that was his right as I got to get are you go to prison and you’re a pedophile that your guards just let you get raped and murdered hit the kid with the bat and he was a baseball player and I wasn’t so they just beat me I don’t know I don’t I don’t like sports baseball explaining to these people I enjoy watching you do this I got fascinated I think it’s interesting as there’s no internet yet
in in in in the World of Sports isn’t the role of spectator like like the most important event is seat good at it isn’t that the whole point till I got the government indoctrinate you into patriotism using little secret Flags instead of your own countries like she did something good with his body and then it’s good because the flag one of the flag flag flag flag flag eat a hotdog your fucking zombie your children are zombies you’ve been you’ve been bored without even knowing it just way enjoying the beautiful ballet of talented people jumping around you have been inadvertently hypnotized by
the Pentagon
I’m coming down a little too hard on them
I want I want I want to speaking of things that I wanted to I wanted to experiment tonight that I told whole what what it is I want to do and it when when people come up in Hermantown we don’t we don’t write setting you up to fail we don’t believe you but someone who has like a decent kind of Street joke you know like you know like you know there was a guy that I want someone to come up tell the joke and then we’re going to give it some time I want to get it cuz I want to create a buffer there listen to the joke I want to later at some point the show I’m going to try to tell the joke as hard as I can which historically you’re terrible at Taylor in the world
funny writers of a note cannot tell a joke I can tell a joke joke or get caught up in the details and when you tell a joke you feel like the house in the joke structure at that need to be like a detective to be spackled and just completely destroying what could really be a giant monologue of sadness
but it’s not going to happen tonight I’m going to try cuz I do the fun of it is I’m going to try as hard as I can to not do that but sit first step is first man to do it early in the shower cuz I’m later I’ll try to retell the joke is not like it’s not like I got a guy says there’s a guy to be kind of a story I like like like like like like that happen just that support them and love them
Justin everybody else here with my wife and she’s from here so from the north side and what do you do actually Iona improv comedy theater in Pittsburgh have a ringer that’s good that’s good when you started describing what you wanted to do was like I know exactly which one I want to tell which is a lot but this is my grandmother’s favorite one I’ve ever done was Grandma’s favorite I think it’s in part because I have to do it with an Irish that Irish accent buffers and I and I will I will tell this joke later okay.
okay okay so there’s a guy in a pub rate and closing time can’t drink you tell me a joke
okay all right sorry that’s all I could say it’s the closing time in the in the bartender comes over and said that you know where they sell the Republican come sleep over at Public House
the waiter there’s another name I can like the landlord know Jeff is an asshole about me doing it on another Dan Harmon about stage pretty much so there’s a right and it’s closing time in the bartender comes over and says I’m sorry you got to go you got to go in the guys all right I’ll go I’ll go and it gets off the bus till he falls flat on his face right in the bus is or can I help you can help you know I would be fine I’ll be fine if I just gets outside I’ll be fine so I crawled outside
he gets up and he falls flat on his face right and everybody says oh can we help me help you I would be fine if I just get to me flat I’ll be fine Sir Charles do is fly zone a couple doors down concerts that stands up Falls flat on his face right when you open the door he falls flat on his face and he said if I just get to me back to you soon to self I just get to know you better be fine we cross over to the Betty’s thumbs-up Falls flat on his face was right to sleep next morning his wife wakes him up
and she says if I see you went to the pub last night this is what I had a few drinks but how did you know I went to the pub last night you left your wheelchair that again
Justin that’s less than ever that we control group with a very nice thank you Justin brother
yeah what’s your I was just going to say although now I hate you cuz you said it but I wanted to be gracious and it’s a steel city improv theater Steel City improv. Com back to this month we just moved to Shadyside so we have an awesome bigger theater so come on by and check it out we have classes fun stuff
right so just hit me later like 10 minutes later I’m almost certain that you do cuz our details are Beats to that and you’re going to you’re going to first of all time and we’ll go out the window timing will be the first casualty to you’re going to add I was hold my predictions
I’m going to say a couple of the beats are added into it that are extraneous and cold here in Pittsburgh from the Wikipedia entry is people they argue with each other I’ve noticed him from Milwaukee every time you meet someone from Minneapolis that because they’re the two coldest cities like including wind chill in closer and closer to to the cold of my childhood is different textures different kinds of cold girlfriend, guess who’s been with the high school in San Diego and she’s playing with snow like what we got to wherever it was there was the first snow on the ground seems like you want to touch it on my way back
no never saw a way to get her like there’s a cold and then there’s like that where you shiver cuz it’s like hold on your body is cold your Skin’s cold and then there’s the cold of the liquid that you’re my soul is cold my feelings are cold the day before that happened to me when I made my final decision of chiseling my car out of ice and I reached over to open the door and a metal hinge snapped off in my hand because it’s not only humans to live in that climate but Newt didn’t design Metal 2
that was that was Carnegie reason why the meeting with the goddess tonight is because it’s reminding me of my childhood I’m at my bundled up I can’t get warm enough but I don’t know if I have a fever or the chills or something happening to me and I’ll do it for you when I don’t know man I don’t know what’s happening to me
I I want to do an experiment I want to tell you the story is about a guy that goes into a bar
now I want to tell you something because I was I I came out I had like tears in my eyes like right before I came out because I was thinking about sharing a thing with you guys that happened to us in Jesus
Arlington Ghost with the Phantom of the nine church called out from the rafters we’re going to do Jesus Christ Superstar later this is a cool class where I can do a scene from France is anybody possibly West Side Story we could do all kinds of shit here
I want to see if I can cry on stage Jeff go to see if I can cry on the bad guy because I have yet to be because I keep telling people about it and then I start crying. You make it to your produce a cheerful as you saying can you actually break down emotionally and start crying so I mean it’s a party trick isn’t it isn’t that what emotions are you have that range that you could do that or that you want to prove that you were capable of revealing yourself that moment I want to see if I can if it happens if I cuz I’ve told our friendship Aston can cry if I can make a tear come out of his eye in 10 seconds of this fucking if the lights and the microphone and actually get in the way of what keeps happening every time I tell him straight up a visual
I don’t know I guess it. No time of it
all right well so this guy but that’s making it into a game and when you’re okay where you’re going to go I’m an ass-whole for I just wanted to Arlington to this bar and we were sitting there drinking and there was this guy sitting across the flyer that kept looking at us he was wearing a suit and errands and I think I recognize that guy from Twitter or something like that and it keeps glancing over here at one point he got up to go to the bathroom and he came over and he said he handed me three napkins with a letter written on them
and said mr. Harmon and I I can’t make the show tonight cuz it’s sold out faster than I can get a ticket and I wrote this letter for you thanking you I was so hoping that if I drove out here I would be able to catch you like at some bar and I just I just wanted to give this to you and thank you. Yes it was possible I can’t I can’t get it to the show I’m not asking for a ticket I just wanted to talk to you and thank you 3 years ago my fiance my girlfriend was killed by a drunk driver and I was devastated by it and I and then I saw a community and and it made me really happy and I just wanted to thank you for it so so so that’s it and and I said it says sold out
now look at my face Jeff look up crying see if that would be weird can you get can you get a full erection in front of them
can you get a full erection without using your hand can you produce a full erection in front of this guy contact you can say what you want you can physically arouse yourself with your hands
I didn’t say it was going to be easy
what is it wait what’s on your sweatshirt serious of property of Harman XXL Highschool D&D Club did you make that sweatshirt that’s cool thank you what’s your name to Dan Moses brother’s name 30 seconds on the clock get a boner for that guy right now
the moves all the time
I want three minutes I go to the bathroom
I kind of want to do the story I want to know what that guy I interviewed like they was he with you
the guy I left probably go to the bathroom or where was he like leaning over you guys going like this
you guys told me Rob Schneider was going to be here
so he’s probably going to bathroom okay with a huge boner has like the talk to myself okay so like okay I’m a high school gym coach
I already have a partial
is a redheaded captain of the volleyball team girls volleyball team needs to speak with me in her office
in fact I need to speak to her because she’s been very inappropriate with her flirtation with me privately
and for all intents and purposes she’s legal Pizza
just say that but I think you know I mean she’s 17
Deseret ponytail
volleyball shorts
oh and peptides I wasn’t looking at it but can’t wait to get them
Natalie your behavior so inappropriate what do you mean
there’s a decorum you’re not allowed to talk to you teachers a certain way you know it can be very distracting and it’s not as a professional boundary between us like I’m I am a keeper of Education that I do you know it’s your young girl and it’s it’s you need to dress more appropriately when you’re not on the playing volleyball and she kicked off her tennis shoes while she’s listening
plants one clean athletic stock clap foot in the crotch of my crotch
I can’t do it
Rana good
I don’t have a question I love my girlfriend is why in a shirt with my name on it in front of two hundred people over 40 that I’ve noticed tonight that which is great it’s about time I’m sick of being this they don’t Messiah to hipsters
it’s about time a couple of my colleagues and peers showed up thank you good to see you Librarians and and self-actualized shafts and stuff here is he skateboarders always showing up
you don’t know that
don’t know that Todd you know how hard it is you lock yourself in a prison cell with God and let him have his way with you you try to have words that aren’t your own moved to New with credit for them you live with that same Todd
and then you go back for more for the people think you could do that time or maybe you want to do another Ali
maybe want to go home and play Red Dead Redemption
all right so I’m going to tell you a joke Jeff okay and I have to use an Irish accent to do it
it seems there was this man
in a pub sitting and drinking all the night away and at one point he gets up
and he falls flat on his face everyone goes home
are you home right now I get you a can we get you the assistants are you alright I’ll be fine
he gets up
the heat
walk walk to the door
he opens the door his is legs give out and it just falls down again
after the first time how many times is this going to happen
he says I’ll be fine
he gets up again I just need to get home
voice Raquel said he probably hasn’t even if they fell he can’t walk any FF falls down against his Neighbour is a cooling a pie in the window so he sees it says Coronavirus
I just got to get to my bed goes up stairs goes to bed at falls asleep wakes up the next morning his wife says she was been out drinking again haven’t you she said because you are you’re normally in a wheelchair
what you left the bar and you were so drunk you were able to walk
which is physically inspiring
but spiritually and psychologically troubled because you have to get pretty darn drunk to mitigate the effects of a neurological condition reason you can’t walk as it’s not it’s not psychological it’s not a Disney movie
Dalton Abbey this is it this is a real thing at the doctor showed us that you were injured in an NRA explosion
drive to please your spinal cord it’s physical I can show you the x-rays she got it out of the drawers as look there’s a disconnection between the brain that makes things happen and the limbs but in the desires there’s no way for it to get through you got so drunk your thoughts left across your spine
in the right place I got to run to cycle and Anaheim and raced to your drunk and feed and you prepared yourself though not 100% effective Leaf but still astonishingly so until you got home and passed out. He doesn’t he can’t he’s like I can’t even move my legs but I’m crippled she says you mean physically challenged
honey says what what it what it what are you the word police and she says well someone has to be a filthy mouth old cow
achieve made him some tea and he apologized but at this point it’s a cycle
I don’t know that didn’t turn out as planned did it
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering if I can smell food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes all the themes would like to my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film earth like you’re always in good hands
adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
is there a did Jason really leave is there a bus driver here I believe he’s still here it’s about it tonight was one of the few nights that we might have been able to bring our bus driver off we’re traveling
where is he out in the parking lot
he got like a dancer.
Well with one of your staff but he got in the car with the girl that sells tickets person is the bad news is that our very charismatic and complicated bus driver Jason couldn’t be here tonight I really wanted you guys to meet him at the worst thing is is that he’s our driver and he’s drunk but he’ll be fine
he said he just needs to summon the neurological Miracles necessary to the Moon
oh

tamales Coronavirus
hilarious alright I also in the back was interviewing me and he asked me all kinds of weird questions about about about my brain and and how it works and why people keep forgiving me for being a bad person by the way last night show which I don’t think is podcast yet like I cried yet you could tell people that would make them not like you like like like like they seem so forgiving of you and Mike yeah because I played his honesty schtick where I’m like a high-five for telling you
and I don’t really have any hatred in my heart or anything like that like last night was a he he thought was going to be an exception because we brought Erin mcgathy my beautiful wonderful genius girlfriend up who does nothing but unconditionally support me unless she’s had a couple at which point is sometimes if I have also had a couple we getting an old good old-fashioned Irish polish white trash a verbal verbal sparring match at which point I become Kevin Spacey in 7 Hannibal Lecter Philip Seymour Hoffman in the master like I get I do this thing I don’t necessarily say the even worse than you’ve ever said to your significant other in a fight when you’re trying to kind of hurt each other’s feelings but you know I skipped into this Persona that is sociopathic Lee kind of gleeful at the empty kind of like dispassionate
connection that I feel like I do you know what I mean I got I I regard her as if she is an insect and explain things to her in a way she can understand let me lay it on the line for you you know I check kind of like getting turning into this villain because of how it’s it’s it’s like that that’s what I’m past the threshold of acceptable human behavior with this with the booze and stuff she said she always always deserved killing kind of talked about it a little bit and she mentioned that I called her the c-word at which point the audience
did that absolute requirement I back you up 100% you don’t try to be so he asked the question is I was very interesting is there anything I can tell you that I haven’t told you yet that the about me that would make you like like turn on me I don’t think the answer is no for the same reason I did is because of what we have going for us is like like like like like we we don’t want anyone to be unhappy sometimes I got me a story about me getting too drunk and I have a horrible like that look like the dysfunctional a neurotic Behavior engaging in a cyclical way that I begged therapist to 22222 diffused and then they can’t do it and I get mad and I stopped going to them so I try to talk into a microphone and try to
I’m tempted to do self maintenance and things like that as part of that he said what could you tell them it would make them not like you I don’t think I’ve ever said into a microphone if the recording blogged about this fact I use drugs recreationally I’m up I’m up prescription marijuana user I don’t get high when I work it doesn’t fit cuz I can’t but if it didn’t help that do it but I’m not ashamed of that cuz you’re welcome for season to a community
you know you don’t you don’t get 8 hours of sleep at night and then and do some of that stuff like like that was it except that sounded horribly selfish it it takes a long time to to piss off a network of Studio like you have to beat you have to get up earlier than them and go to bed later than them the attic that I’ve done Cocaine by I’ve ever since my early twenties when I discovered it doing improv in Milwaukee I have lives that you know I’ve I’ve I’ve experimented with it and here it is not here in Los Angeles like if I’m at a party and somebody’s got so mad sometimes they bite is it like now that I’m 40 it’s like it’s it’s it’s it’s more of like I want to stay up and keep drinking so someone’s got this stuff and I’m not going to say no. I just wanted to say that because now I’m fucking perfect like there’s nothing that I haven’t said
play guy I know if you if you would like I can’t think of any secrets I have left and I don’t recommend that as behavior for you but you can keep secrets secrets are healthy so you can never say that cuz it’s a Grody drug is synthetic and it’s like Don Johnson e and like like like it’s not like it does it wouldn’t make anyone like me anymore nor is it like it’s not like is it that an attic and say this but there’s no addiction because I’ve been you know it’s just like it’s been in my life on and off for whenever I like it’s just it’s a party thing that happens sometimes in there and big Hollywood probably happens all over the country can’t get ahold of the season 2 of those plates last night at the sky movie
a terrible person that you’re a bad person. I don’t think it’s because of behavior every more about the way that you’re when you get upset with somebody whether you mean to or not because you are a good writer and the way your mind works you have the ability to really hurt somebody with kind of the flick of the wrist thank you and are you in a few setbacks say something about that did you like the tears it apart when you when you’re at when you’re in that phone significant others there have been moments when it’s if it’s if this the significant other is is is going toe-to-toe with me like and it’s up with someone like I am it is too much to drink like a kids white trashy drunk on where it’s like a blackout or almost blackout like yeah there are most of the time
time 85% of the time like if I if I’m drunk and I have a fight with someone I love and I and they start to cry that’s the end of it because of the cheers signify Osha Thai reality comes in I was in the different mode I was at I was at I was a battle BattleBots of some kind and was like trying to win a fight I don’t know what it is you know whatever dysfunction I have whatever disorder like he needs me to pull the plug on an emotional connection between me another human being and so then it’s like there’s no there’s no conscientiousness I standing between me and saying something with the direct intensive like like humbling someone and then and then if they start to cry most of the time and I’m like oh shit that’s what I’m too holy crap stop stop. But then there’s like that 15% of the time it’s really grouchy John’s like like kinda and the and the other person’s drunk and I just fighting fighting fighting and back and forth
only yeah I’ve been making sure that’s the case in my head yeah I say it’s a sad thing it said it said alcohol go through a curtain where you hide so kids pay attention that don’t look up to drunk writers it’s not it’s not it’s not what makes you good you parents have to beat you
so that didn’t happen you’re going to write Shady stuff your public really like it just a bad dream journal and I guess you got too much love I’m sorry. I was saying to the director was yeah like the tears I actually go okay good I think it might had like good
cry delicious tears put them on a cupcake cry until you can’t anymore then you have to experience like an erection no actually enjoy it or did you actually feel like I’m a child and I feel like my mommy is trying to get away with something coming at me like I need to win I need to defeat I need to defend myself not noticing that I’m a 40 year old man with his full faculties of school and listen to draw people to you that’s enough of this thing’s the same thing that the flip side of that coin is the same thing that repels people from you like people and they meet Dan
Rob schrab our friend is a crazy awesome like being a visual thinker when people meet Rob your night and what they want from Rob is just find out and my creative and if Rob doesn’t like doesn’t think you crave it hurts them you know where Dan you know that you don’t have the right to do what you just did this is my third glass of cattle I want to talk to this fucker
do you understand that they put things in perspective for you I think about you is obviously I was kidding. He said he would have peed his pants did the people from me it’s important for a certain people to think that that you think that they are smart pix smart is a keyword II intellectual ability like or like intelligence which I want to talk to her like she doesn’t understand the faculties of this is more like that
it’s not you are stupid because I Pat myself on the back for that like I don’t I don’t know I don’t know
just going to be right okay let’s go follow her eye logo
she’s got to take a big old chicken in the bathroom
lady in the head of the Jeep you got to take a diamond mattered since the coldness like that brisk called that’s like okay today I farted in Pittsburgh getting out of of of the outer rim of my of of its of its comfort zone and an end
last night you were okay I was looking for a nice last night. I just imagine if little puffs of incoming outgoing beginning of thermodynamics like hot things want to go to cool things and I just like I could just like it it halfway across town and an on both sides it’s like a it’s like becoming merges with the cosmos all right I just want to get that off my chest so to speak about to say I just because it’s better to have him up earlier than later cuz it always is clear expensive
okay
Storyteller in extremis you haven’t heard the you haven’t heard the show from last night one of the most amazing things about it of the Pirates baseball stadium called
disgusting and look it up
great Great Clips my friend insisted he has not Honus Honus Wagner but he said Hannah said he’s at he’s he is very erudite last night Spencer if he could be compared to baseball terms hits 900 last night’s on on throwing things out of make-up do monsters and he would just described new monster landed on this game where we just make up like monster names and throw them at at Spencer and he describes them as he would in the game he was told he had like five home runs in one triple Off the Wall basically it was pretty. He got on base a lot and then it was it was good stuff
play I can’t remember which ones we threw at them so they like
do you want me to eat now you hear the splash of liquid into the bathroom and you feel a figure right thing opening the door to the stall you see a hobo drenched in vomited liquor
I trouble I thought I saw your mouth moving
I think I realized my Erin came backstage and said you should probably bring Jen and Mike up tonight all right
carbon time how would you say that in your phonetics habitat anybody else cuz nobody Pittsburgh colors and you have a little like phone number one thing is this is Dan zoreya Frost I giving this to me are you
play made authentic foam phone number one kind of sports fan hand like the number one thing and it’s blue like icy blue and has a screaming Frosty skull onnn Sparkles coming out of the index finger and on the back of it it says Ray of frost Guy Fieri shirts just came in here and this is amazing Brooklyn show yeah we found out at Brooklyn that I don’t know if you’re halfway done making this or not set that Ray of frost is a level zero spelled it doesn’t maximum at 3 damage after a frost theme song in really celebrated that I was casting it like I was a professional wrestler we then found out Ray of frost does from zero to three damage
on the ramp by Pittsburgh got logo India hyper cycloid hypocycloid little Sparkle nuggets on the damn get a boner boner can’t get it running
married just dating just living together how long before you moved in
okay are you guys in love you are they have a thing that unites them they have like this do you ever get really drunk and become incredibly weirdly sociopathic Lee abusive to you whenever you were describing the bullet proof that I want to change it’s not good behavior it doesn’t is not part of my creative process is not good General would you have any advice to give Dan I mean you would presume to give anybody advice but if you’d like any cuz you guys are clearly very happy together to take out a longer than Dan and Aaron have been together basically
advice I have my own psycho season there were issues like which it was your hang-up with your bag
Mike what’s wrong with you what’s wrong with you
we will tell her
pretty much the same age but she has developed a wealth of knowledge beyond my own insecurities of not being able to buy the argument so they can answer if I’m just being stupid
does it mean but you could become Stanley Kowalski current thinking that we’re talking about yeah it is I’m stupid but you can’t answer those in podcast land Mike is a horrible lies bespectacled knit cap adorned bearded kind of thinks he is. You just look how you alright well thank you Jenna Mike I guess unless there’s anything what what you have the concert if you want to do you want to
new scheme to escape where’s that at but if you guys want to rap with Dan as well as well as soon as we give it a whirl we can end it out of the podcast we want
dial stage with me poop is brown and yellow is my pee after rapid like Yoda lower in the bar raising the quota I like to wrap with Jen and Mike the right now Mike’s going to get on the mic
I can’t wrap it all right here wait wait okay
once upon a time I needed to eat a loaf of bread I didn’t get it soon enough so I starve now I’m dead I put on a pair of shoes in watch it down the street I didn’t get my bread but saw your mama and got my nice flower to the slower Tempo you can do like that taking my
I don’t think I can as far as I can try something and I gave him like the city and he is
all right well I’m looking for Jenna Mike everybody
be sure you’re giving these up right you did there aren’t thank you that’s really incredible
give me a wonderful I love that yeah they did a great job of stimulating
sword Lizard Lick with Embers Spencer zookeeper attacks
wakeid opens up with a creek you see two legs holding a pile of what seems to be back feed several still to the floor with a clumsy clatter dropping to his knees and short portly man standing crutches before you apologizing profusely
Market Day in LA county and he’s just so I just keep the Pelicans alive that’s all I do I lost three last week. Sometimes they clatter what what sort of animal has poop that clatter Spencer bags of Feed Bag bags of feed
all right what it was Spencer came to me earlier today and it’s kind of out of passion for Spencer he approached me with a bit for tonight show has he talked to you about this van and I have been making us stupid songs in the bus the Pringles dick and Harry’s chicken noodle dick that I got drunk last night, can I think it twice I forgot the out he’s already heard it when you’re drunk so I can call to get chicken noodle soup Progresso light chicken noodle soup his dick and we cobbled together this time
and got chicken noodle can
I’ve been putting this cannon is I’m a chicken noodle soup chicken noodle soup chicken noodle man you got to work all day go away right now it’s duped Isabel to the spoon spoon to the Moon
I’m trying to build I’m going to see I got a building off of that one and then another verse and then back to the course I had this flash of inspiration in the shower or maybe a curse I mean we’ll see how it goes in the shower just kidding over you in a warm flurry the water rains down then it hits you a good idea maybe that’s all
he’s talking the best he’s the best
Diane Spencer I fucking love you so much but so yeah if I could do the verse and then we could come back together for the course maybe and then try it I mean it will see how it goes okay okay so it works with the soup to the ball right or do you want me to do that suit to the bowl and Spoon to the mouth you gonna get well soon you better get a little bed rest sleep until noon grab a cup of coffee then hit the saloon singing chicken noodle man coming down from the mountain chicken noodle and got to work out great.
that was irritated I was going to let me know what I can do but pray.
Write those down tonight when we get on the Bus lyrics pull it up on your iPad when we’re going to come to the Tom Jones effect
a man just threw his hipster beanie hat
except
you have to take it
and then text it inside that be
if it was 80 that would be a pocket protector or something I should be more like it’s the pressure that you’re going above and beyond the call of dungeon master, dragged by now but he’s becoming an inspiration and a good friend and I want to help Pittsburgh so far I’ve never been here before I love you guys and architecture I love your whether it’s it’s I love it it’s brick it’s good walking around weather
wet disagreed yeah I know definitely just agree with you I grew up in Alaska open Northern California. There is a reason I moved to California I am up
tonight I I I don’t begrudge it’s a great City and stuff I just I just I’m just saying like I said that weatherman I don’t know how you guys do it and I applaud you get to the February weather report how many seconds in which humans giving freezes
they said it’s a regular part that’s like telling you the dew point don’t forget human skin freeze
buckle up your skin
is anybody here at like it’s been seven years since I’ve been here and I found out what a yinzer was and it went I went I went and I went to the bar is there a straight-up user bars that you don’t really want to go to a meeting and see if there’s anybody here have a really good like a proper user user
Barron property trying to catch the moon but my name is Ian
do you know I take it you’re from here right Johnstown like 2 hours away normally that’s so
I have been working their place I’ve been worshipping you said don’t watch the girls and a human English in English I haven’t been washing I’ve been washing anyting I ain’t been more Shania been working nothing this is my upstairs neighbor in college so do it again for me the girl she say have been washing I am been washing nothing awesome is that like a hangover from Scott scottish-irish no idea
Scotch-Irish
get up here as our talent battle might be a date or they might be better than me
hi my name is Dean I grew up in Trenton Pennsylvania
it’s right up 28 and I feel like I can’t even tell I have an accent
essentially on a normal day on Sunday I watch the Steelers go down to Primanti’s I don’t go to from Auntie’s place in there man had a tie on and I ate the double egg and cheese knows what the fuck is it called the steak and cheese with steak and cheese is it like a Philadelphia steak and cheese
sauerkraut is Scott prizes got Italian bread is good that’s amazing yeah yeah everyday that means etcetera and so forth so if you want to go to do do do skis and that or you want to do what you going to do you want to go eat and then go to gooski’s I’d like to thank and I’m almost certain that this is the case your name my name is Dean Dean Dan give
DNA in the first user rap battle
and I want I want to do see who can be the most Ian parade during the rap
I went downtown yesterday I got a pop Reddy’s asthma
perfect
do you have your rebuttal
Primanti Brothers Here For answers
dodo bird are you guys watching them Pittsburgh Steelers
Holland am I’m from Pittsburgh I ain’t got no rhythm
Iron Horse nothing then join in and try to be a agent or a travel that way I can talk try to mimic the accent and said what the fuck yo
Rolly Polly tablet
have a good night night fantastic thank you sir he’s all about the long vowel sounds talking through your nose and you know a bit ending everything with yeah and hey and Anna I mean that’s extreme shut that side Cudahy South Milwaukee Dungeons & Dragons
the guys I get but it’s everybody like everybody’s allowed Pittsburgh
nobody said you weren’t nobody said he said we’re an actual City there was a little defensive sir
I did I feel like I got the last thing anyone would say is it Pittsburgh to a city that you literally build fucking buildings and I got out of the stuff that you do here like I feel like it’s Christmas presents any Google Fortress in coleslaw
I like the clothes was not that sweet KFC shift but it’s like a vinegary kind of tired stuff yeah that’s that’s how it should be right Spencer Aaron said my face is getting used to the cold and Spencer went you mean numb
is there one more thing to your eyes keep going to the the guy in the white shirt like right next to talk to everybody no sense getting her tonight and your lighting I need you to be able to sell out for you and it is in the try to describe her listeners are pouting like a kind of closed up then there’s the intellectual kind of like holding holding one elbow with a net worth
other hand, Germantown have you heard of that so you just wondering tonight
you’re not sure of the would you be willing to come up and talk to us we never bully anybody it’s okay to say no. Are you willing to come up and talk to her for a second
I I can honestly say this is what if he’s the first guy that’s ever the specific physical architect that I’ve ever seen in and out there in the crowd it just like what it what is it I can’t
and you’re not sure here at the theater. OK Google. I thought I thought this person is going to hate me I’m talking about cocaine and booze and being stupid and I’m farting and my eyes keep going to you to check in and you’ve never seen your fist or anyting but you’ve been very supportive I thought I would Define you as I even smiling now and then when it wouldn’t pass muster with you get up and leave you didn’t munis or anything
it’s very strange like I wanted to personify him I didn’t want him I want him to to wrap a little bit
actually about 9 years to be a patron of the Arts and if you want to be close to it that’s why you took the job maybe is a beautiful beautiful the only one that you are before they moved can you get to see all the stuff for free because you know okay what’s your what was the best player that’s been here in this this theater this year
what was the best thing you seen in this in this venue here
used to come here before they went downtown see you like The Improv, people spontaneously coming up with humorous things to say is your Forte cuz I I must have let you down I do a different brand of thing here I’m sort of a low-rent Spalding Gray I guess Saturday but I haven’t written anything of it
he’s an ostrich got the Usher Spirit he wants to get back to the Shadows with Joel so he got his ushering you
yeah but you look good like I said you could have you could have really played a mind game on me from that seat you could you could have just gone
do you do whatever you want to chill that’s what I’m in town. The only thing we have going for us is that use your freedom thank you Joel Joel everybody thank you so much sir
alright let’s bring Erin mcgathy to the stage with D & D Aaron
Erin mcgathy
Barron’s steps to the Igloo cooler refreshing her ice into the
hello hello Eric Erin mcgathy
I just want to say while I won’t Joel was up I think someone’s trying to date rape me what do you mean in England are too and I definitely like a pill
careful
what are some of you you I trust okay
I’m a little jealous

Prince George’s map
all right
is there anything Aaron cuz it’s kind of not fair when I talk about our relationship and whether or not I’m a dick within it and then you don’t have to have the mic is there anything that I said that you need to count to a clarifier
sad word from the I lied about anything that you need to correct me on ER
I I I don’t think so I feel I mean at Hermantown I guess we’re honest about our feelings I feel a little raw secret totally dry backstage tonight summer listening to you talk about jerking off to a 17 year old with a ponytail
ladies it’s fine I don’t want it to be over but just a little bit and the sexual activity we had this afternoon because it was unreciprocated I was I have a fever it’s all about it was all about me this afternoon unreciprocated sex that went on today like I was being selfish in bed today to get some rest I had a fever I was I had chills like she asked me can I help you out
like kind of like I can’t remember how she put it out I can’t remember how you put it but my response was is it okay if I just lay here like as it was your opportunity just saying no security when you know when it’s right things are slower is actually so when I watch you on stage and fantasize about volleyball playing 7 to your old and I wish I was
okay I just I guess after last night and last couple days I feel a little low I feel a little defeated I don’t feel super I guess maybe I don’t feel I love you baby feel super hyped on our relationship right now
well I’ll see what I can do about that before Minneapolis I just I just feel a little I just I just feel like my heart’s a little taste I used to be really fat when I was going to a water park by 5 to get all red and blood and that’s what my heart feels like
play Joel Joel take it easy
but I think the show is everybody
your dream was so cool and so nice as you prepare the stuff in Alpha but you’re very willing to to adapt on the fly to stuff that we do maybe is there a way during this little fantasy segment that we do in D&D her Dan and I are Aaron’s character to find some sort of connection maybe patch up some of these wounds is it possible to date
when we last met Our Heroes it just hijacked a flying air ship piloted by Dave
the Airship seem to be damaged in the game race around trying to fix it just after they thought they had it all under control a shake rattle the whole the game awoke in the wreckage their ship in the midst of a deep dark red cave approached by seven humans and a halfling A Chorus of people approached Our Hero’s in the Deep cave
as our heroes met the tribesmen they realized that they had been swallowed by a great beasts known only as the infinite. There was a weird way to show for some reason I don’t know how was we we we brought all the black people in the audience onto the stage so there are eight eight eight black table on
what’s up
bring all the black people on stage
right I don’t know how we got that there was a time there was a Greek chorus of all of our black audience members up there and they were kind of our guide through the bowels of the infinite fish they took you through some meat curtains closed today they did a dance that opens the way forward and you got to their Village which is where you are now perfect time again nine seconds left in the track and he knows exactly how to end the walls are fleshy and pustules of glowing Golden Fluid line the walls casting a light over the area several scrap Pavel have been shored together from various bits of pieces of shit and or and or other items
there’s about Seventeen or eighteen of these dwellings and they seemed quite you know modest but workable
cozy cozy for inside of an animal
the people are just hanging around now they’re just going back to their business
are you going to play all these people Spencer I can play all of them any of them none of them whatever has to happen I think black people it was started as a I think it was supposed to read an Express ironic like white guilt and then it and then there was a long line at give them one microphone for the opposite effect for me emotionally I don’t think they had a good time but you know I can’t really access them emotionally so I don’t know I seek out the elder or leader of this of this group of people that’s the female Chieftain that you met in Arlington I approached her you approached her I say what’s up
I hope you find our village to your liking it’s not much but it’s all we have you know we don’t get very much stuff down here but my friend Phil owns the shop down the lane
there’s also an interior right if you need to sleep we got some stuff I’m sorry we don’t have much but it’s the inside of a friggin Beast
we probably definitely need some sleep at this point I noticed some strange tension between mulrain sadhana and and and trapping but it’s a lot so I find the nearest humble dwelling with a gnome Barbarian might might might find and I I I I hit the hay
you take your leave gracefully reflective surface on a walk over to it and I and I brushed my hair
find a reflective surface over to some sort of wall and I imagine that there’s something there and I stare at my brush my hair you look beautiful since becoming a woman
thank you sir.
like I said some things back in the epiglottis the two
I regret I guess I’ll be able because they are you actually making you feel bad like I don’t I don’t want to do that if I had it if I hadn’t felt everything you said it would have been fine I don’t tap dancing do you want done for your sake you know but it was during a show that I’m doing lately all I have to do is think about you
I was just being open about my feelings and I I qualified if I say I think it’s about my insecurities after the show I don’t think he should have done that but artistically if it was totally cool because I was hurt but if I wasn’t hurt you would have thought that was okay so here we go now that’s a note that’s a behavioral adjustment
well I retired I just saw for actually going to talk about this in front of all of her best friend
when we had that fight the other day that you apologized and then in the morning I was still feeling sad. I still feel sad about this and your response was still there
it was a lot more than usual
after talking about it and I guess I’m feeling a little insecure I feel
a little undesirable
well you’re the hottest girlfriend I’ve ever had thank you is that is that the seems like I realize we all have like kind of fundamental needs to feel like sexy and stuff but like there’s a certain point at which like what like I love you I’m in love with you I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I like what the idea that that that a piece of pornography or or like how it look like
you’re when you show me a last that you’re attracted to me then like those things creep into my brain but like when you are in a door you show me that you care about me it doesn’t take a lot like it takes very little it takes. So busy wish I could have sex with you right now but I got to go to work like you just a little very little if it’s so so so like everything is booked up and it’s hard for you to impossible for you to pay me the attention that I need to because I am just as broken as you in this relationship with you I don’t think that’s super healthy
and that’s not in the same way that you flipped out at my high school reunions as hitting on me I just I just I just I just need a pat on the head I’ll get you later today seventeen-year-old just feeling insecure that’s all last night
everything’s fine I think feeling insecure is awesome I stand up here and talk about what makes me feel insecure all the people in this audience like to come up to me after the show and shake my hand and tell me about the things that make them feel insecure everyone that listens to this podcast instead of Rob Schneider’s agrees that expressing it security is worth something line between expressing insecurity and what’s my thing what what what am I triggered you feel insecure when something happens and I saved some of that loves you all my God I’m so sorry that you got splashed if I buy things that made you feel bad let me help you I am so sorry you feel bad and then you say
but you’re but you’re you think that’s acceptable behavior or like like like you’re not going to do that anymore right or whatever the hell are you phrased it before it’s like you express the fact that the things that I do are the things that make you feel insecure and you imply that in order for you to feel good about yourself my behavior has to shift and change and then I go into defense mode because I think that’s in your head
Dover a sound system in a taped when it’s like we can rewind it and let’s talk about it something different but are you telling me that when you apologize for something you say I’m sorry I I dropped the vase I’m not going to try to not drop it anymore because now we’re not in a comedy mode so it’s so now the joke is gone we’re outside of it so just as like when they bring Eminem on CNN and have him read his rap lyrics of do you think this is appropriate very charismatic when I say yes I don’t I don’t I don’t think it was that bad to do the joke of having a weird Patty fantasy that comes out of a hustler and then you said and then you imbibe
write the answer is that not that specific context was misunderstood I misspoke that you should do something different like in that way
we will we will rewind it the bus and will update people there right now yeah
Brad
yeah 10 fantasizing about and trying to get a hard-on for is name was Aaron I didn’t put that together I heard that damn it I’m not sure if it was it you needed to get for somebody every day homosexual I remember I was only speaking my insecurities I don’t think that you should stop I was just I was just speaking without a filter about how I feel
sorry I’m here we go up to this point
what it weighs happened please tell me what happened I think you need to Starrett Aaron and and and do the same thing to Dan I think it’s the only way to save it
an eye for an eye
well
Aaron Aaron mail here instead or you can stare at my wife and and oddly enough that’s when the show rounded a Bend Spencer I take my flaming sword at end and attack the tension in the room
critical hit
interesting enough this is a lot like you and I would never do this was with was with anyone or that I’ve never been
tension that’s why I’m saying to her I love you I don’t want anything to ever hurt you I want to be with you forever I I’m I’m perfectly capable of saying everything else is like cosmetic like weird behavioral adjustment that I don’t feel bad telling you how I feel
you don’t want to change me I don’t want to change you
what’s your perfect imperfection
I love you very much sorry we should quietly sneak out and go to get with keys
then can I ask you something can I remove the tour wow hair pin hairpin turn do you think that I asked that question for the question do you think these are healthy circumstances under which to get a yes
no I just went to the show
okay I wait for my sleep Spencer when I walk into the Hut where does Sharpie and more rain are talking and holy moly what would you guys do what you talk about
I don’t want to go through a futuristic world where our voices were louder the delay should be end end at A Chorus of angels watch test argue about things that only makes sense in that world thank you Mike Mike and Jen but then I got the permit
The Greatest Adventure
all right we’ll edit about the fuck you will that stays in baby all I can say is it.
Neal’s Lodge
I have a man
has there ever been a podcast were boyfriend and girlfriend got into it that much of it maybe I don’t listen to on a podcast that’s the reason why there isn’t fast enough to sit this close to that kind of conversation and the fact that you’re so absolutely as if we’re not even here which makes me believe that you don’t think we’re here I’m over here by going to the camera
doesn’t fail to consider the entire world
cast Ray of frost at the people’s knowledge level 0 spell
I think it’s passed me that you guys are not I’m not easily embarrassed I don’t know that I could sit in front of a group of people are attacked by monogamy
creeping into the room you hear the tool but not the odds of your significant other
you roll over and pretend you’re not awake he’s a goddamn sitting next to me who is half my age I took it once it was like a homeless person to Thanksgiving you know what I fucking blue and this guy is a sending the start of why I’m a great person because I do have a touching you you’re very threatening person I love you God damn it
what’s up is that from Alaska the last thing I’m going to do is that why would you say that 30 seconds alright let’s get back to the game and let’s just bring this fish for the rest of your life right now
she was right all right so they couldn’t get out of here for a reason is it’s some sort of knowledge that we have to get out of the event efficient approach the wall with a yellow pustules on an exam as well as light casting like to the room I take my stand back and throw a throwing knife into one of the pustules and see what happens with a sickening first horse for a while he’s doing that I want I want to ask her and see if I can find the person that they acknowledge us being in charge like their leader yeah you you meet up with other person cork was talking to the chieftain lighting
okay yeah how can I help you you know do you want a house in the Hills shop hey I’m Phil I sell stuff I don’t got much but sometimes of cargo vessels get eight and I sell them things
I don’t want any things I got a I got healing potions I got a I got these syringes full of some sort of paralyzing goop that’s good for calming down of the monster and we didn’t you know we don’t get cable down here so it seems to me Jeff that what we need to do and don’t ask me where I got this idea is we need to make this giant monster that were inside puke Monster House 2009 I have fishes uvula with an s
you know I say I said because if she was getting to the point where we’re going to buy all the good stuff that we need and let’s let’s listen next time probably right sounds good okay with some potions 50-piece the syringes are going to rain at 2:50 I’ll take I’ll take some oranges all right I just signed picture of Derek Jeter
yeah he’s a great cleric of renowned
Pirates fan some rope okay you get 40 feet of rope it only costed me Graham out of silver these people came and brought us awesome storage Andrea Frost thing is all we did was talk about relationships and go shopping
Erin mcgathy
wow
one more time for the beauty of the awkward relationship between Dan Harmon and Erin mcgathy in the living room
I’m going to start my own podcast help that felt terrible
I think that’s why Joe was not married remember when Joel came up the well-lit Joel back their escape to the hero of this story
after all that she walks on stage and you see if I’m being a bachelor and sings like I go for the laugh I didn’t get it but go for it to tie this little package whatever whatever he did here tonight and and the Haslett theater in Pittsburgh going to take advantage of this Wireless Mike’s walk around like you use the space and are you want to go talk to people. Let’s let’s let’s wrap it up and meet people at the same time with a beautiful song about everyone in this beautiful city
yeah beautiful Citadel of Steel rivets are cold but
your hearts aren’t
America
I said he was gay it’s okay if you are
menu pages of a circle
I don’t know what like your hat what’s your name
wow magical things happening in harmontown I thought your mom at nine times in ten and the Steelers didn’t go to the division championships apartment and everything involved in football is stupid everything’s dumb cuz it’s stupid to throw a ball when you don’t have to hit anything with it’s all pretty crap
but it’s okay to enjoy it every little paper boy and girl liquid
I see you
Baker
regular shirt black shirt
purple LeBrons
sweatshirt from
protect the house and it was funny how you doing I knew this guy when I was 19 years old in Milwaukee when we did come together why is the son of Eddie doesn’t make that much money but you shouldn’t his head was to make me able to do what that one guy did with the Irish joke
but everybody down Route I put your mama on a sled in a kite and I flew over in the air until I take a bite and I think I bet it’s triple chocolate cookies the cookie one of them she’s a cookie to me
I objected to find women like that so sorry I should compensate tip my hat to all the ladies in the house, but I love the ladies in harmontown
Harbor Freight
I’m going to state that you were climbing on people exclamation
other people take the spotlight to do.
say a word word
free as a bird
Frozen white shirt and angel in Pittsburgh
it’s a city that makes all the city and I suck your mama’s titties
or what that mean
thank you so much for that
what are the twin towers but whatever you guys I fucken love you guys end up crashing
Starbucks Fitchburg State field

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