Episode: 220 – Night 2 At The 2016 New York City Comedy Festival!

Episode

Episode: 220 – Night 2 At The 2016 New York City Comedy Festival!

Description

For the first time EVER it’s Spencer and Dan. Two stools, one show runner, one game master. Watch both nights at harmontown.com/live, become a member!

Transcript

play the gentleman of whatever bro this is welcome to Hermantown which is now in session
please welcome Spencer Crittenden to the stage
what up you know that’s such a good Appliance I’m only going to betray that confidence in me see that exact that lamp is exactly what I’m talking about get ready for that the whole night and you’ll see
thank you New York I love you so much the second time the first show was kind of a trial run if you were at that show and you’re out of here you you just twice as expensive for like what the real show
if you if you were at that show you’re not at this one like I’m not saying anything that makes is legally accountable to you can’t get a refund it was a good show last night I’m leaving a paper trail that I considered that a good show where it’s $25 plus a $10 seating Fate by ini but a but I’m saying to you people you’re in for a much better show big time we got gas and everybody we’re all so tired we’re all the things that I’ve had talked about already is it in the world that we’re all so fucken scared that actually normal Republicans are talking to like Democrats and seven saying like look
wanted was to make money and it’s like there’s some honesty getting squeezed out of the election like I don’t know I don’t know what to tell you kids cuz I guess actually we’re talking to people most of the people that were talking to will already have voted or not voted in the election is over especially one so I’m only talking to a room full of people before the election everyone else is like whatever you’re talking about doesn’t matter anymore
is Ed’s I mean we are only 300 people so we don’t matter just ate and nothing matters like everyone I would say if you’re Italy if you live in a swing state I’m not talking to anyone of this waste
if you can do you live in a swing state either good job or what the fuck but we’re living in the future because we it cuz nothing we do matters nothing we do will change the election which hasn’t happened yet but as far as we’re concerned it already happened that’s kind of weird we live in the future right now so let’s open the imaginary door in one of two stereos
there in one scenario it is in a predictable election we now have the first woman president and it’s a Democrat and
and and and we’ve there for aggravated of a frothy frothy white nationalist population who are not their dream result they would they’re going to function a lot better if there’s a race traitor lady in the white house like I know and they’re only job is complaining like that’s going to be there that’s their way they love that nationalist you’re probably I don’t know how to chart your your weekly income but it’s got to be spiking right now
in the form of combat boot fees and like like I don’t know how they make their money but you know they’re making three times as much right now as they ever have or end and that would end if you did elect Hitler like like cuz then he then he’d be like so I love being president and then they be like I can’t do it and it’s going to be huge when I do it and then they’re going to be like this guy’s the bad Hitler is bad at man Hitler
and he’s going to be like yeah I’m bad at everything that’s always been the fucking bit you moved
I’m not fucking son of a slumlord it’s hilarious that I’m standing here and you can’t change that by fucking win I win it when I lose I win when I win I have hair I don’t have hair I’m white but I’m orange we’re going to we’re going to remember him as a hero 40 years from now when we’re like throwing space boats away from a planet that just burnt to a cinder whether anyone was president or not I just fucking burnt up because of us didn’t like the Fireball from the Sun or something oh fuck that happened to the son shoots Fireballs call the solar flare
and you should have that conversation at some point in a van or something in a white van was location there’s a phrase sexual innuendo yes
are you a little lizard for the folks at home what is sexual innuendo not saying penis but you mean penis like I’d like to handle that gear shifter so I’m sorry I have to go wax the flagpole if you know what I mean cuz I do know what you mean you mean you’re going to go stroke your your kid that was in your window if you say no that was in uendo that’s meta innuendo
and you it’s also a pun right it’s mostly squeaking by signature appointments nevermind I can’t say that don’t taste that don’t say stuff you can talk about that that’s that’s horrible that’s like crazy to say to people in your window always sexual pray to in today’s world it is like we say we have the phrase sexual innuendo because not all innuendo is sexual braids only said no and you need to bring me a sexual innuendo yeah it’s fun I thought that would be a great goal I don’t know I don’t have anything else to do tonight so that we can bring back
all right so like if I were to say hey I’m home tomorrow night I’m going to I’m going to I’m going to sharpen a pencil if you know what I mean right but you like if you know what I mean
convenient
speak it’s about hiding the true intention of what you’re saying to their parties don’t know that you’re talking about what you’re talking about and think you’re just talking about bread or pigeons are you so like I don’t know like yours this is me complaining about something okay so I can’t stand how burnt my buns are getting with all these breadlines being so close to see that’s just me talking about bread to you people you can possibly imagine I was meeting other things by that sentence because that’s just normal bread people talk
but I was really complain do you mean like what the fourth Reich begin I know that and you know that but they don’t know that and that’s why it’s great and that’s why we need to bring it back to hide or white nationalist tendencies
so whatever happens on Tuesday it’s until Tuesday I mean it’ll probably go into like when the matter what happens like we are all abused children we live in a home I don’t care if you’re conservative or whatever like you all agree with everybody we have 100% agreement on this the last year-and-a-half has been an abusive relationship between us and the people that would tell us what to do like and we have been we have felt Fed Up about it we have been like raked over shit when we have better stuff to do we’re not politicians we shouldn’t have to think about their job this much and we like like we are we are all bummed out at an everyday every moment that you would think the solution would be to not care someone says the word abortion or women or race or anything that
triggers you and ghosts like while they’re talking about importing shit yeah they’re they’re always going to be and then they got to me and they got to you and we were now here on the eve of like but it’s in something’s going to give we’re all going to stop having the fucking think about it for a while like we have to spend that for years like whatever these dumb-ass house of representatives are there always hearing about I go they own this is the kind of start getting third-party candidates into those seats like I I would that that’s my weird pitch is like let’s just start what’s the temp the historic election and go yay we did it and then be like okay now in the next like the weird Alexa that comes up if we believe in the system then we go like I don’t know if you say that you’re Republican or Democrat that’s a red flag likely your you cuz you’re part of a bad fucking weird good cop bad cop alcoholic husband system where it’s black
I an apology and black I am an apology and it’s likely he’s not fucking working with giving it sixty years they built the shit on top of something it’s made of two legs do you think it’s two things but it’s an animal alright as the political segments because now we have to worry about anymore cuz it’s not going to wait we walk out of here and into a world where it already happened it’s over and you’re going to find out like that that office is so insignificant Hitler could be in it and nothing would still have them he’d be like I want to close Guantanamo or make it twice as big and it would just be the Guantanamo still be there at the same size like 4 years or not Hitler OB like guys that should be filled with joy
is it a million times the size and it will be a while
Pompeii Last Words at Pompeii
we got a fine it’s a big mountain there’s some lava dribbling out
by the time that becomes an issue I think we’ll have time to wake up and grab the kids in the room
I’m catching a ball
forever
I get it in a museum in Milwaukee at a guy like the rich guy going
I can’t be ready I hope I don’t know how to feel about that like it’s going to be fake right there’s no such thing as an event that happened so fast that you can be made Robin nothing is ever happen that quickly I bet a nuclear bomb might do that but it wouldn’t leave anything right Pompeii should be all of the sound paintball should be everywhere
that’s if it happened really fast it should just be a bunch of people maybe one guy’s holding a knife and then you got it I bet he was robbing him that would be fun but I don’t believe that he’s a guy’s going to freeze ray hit him right I don’t know if I believe that I’d like to believe that execution no one can test this you can’t you can’t serve a severed heads versus people got lethal injection but they say the guillotine is the most humane way to kill somebody according to my 10th grade history teacher is chalk so I believe everything he says
and she said all you feel is a cold a cold a cold sensation in the back of your neck Blissful Darkness did he mention the least humane way to execute somebody all right so I definitely did you get a bunch of fire ants and then you give them knives
tiny fire ant size 9 just let nature take its course
I say humiliate them to death keep them fed and watered and Immortal and like make them have to die of Shame okay well that’s that’s very kind of sexual but what is that what is that look like what does it look like in a windowless room with tubes going into them that give them nutrients and liquid and then you really are after something like that no one wants to be seen with their dick being slapped in public right you come into the room and you say Hi how are you and then you leave
and then you do that 40 times all right and then the third that the 48 first time you say Hi how are you but you said it was going to leave anyways that’s just one example of how you’ll never know what the fuck is going on
I’m going to tell you some shit not because you let your you ever have the right to know and not because it profits me but because it will make your torture more Exquisite I’m telling you you’re part of a of an experiment where we’re seeing if we can humiliate a person to death that’s how insignificant you are you’re interesting but you don’t matter if we don’t humiliate you to death I guess you’ll die of gangrene or anything else that would kill you but if we humiliate you to death it will be no different it won’t matter it won’t matter you don’t matter and I’d leave and then I could keep coming back and I’d just like some days and come back with a soda like a Diet Coke and I just
and then I believe I did what does humiliation mean to you
to cause humility Ray and humility is when two people are talking to each other
talk to feels like they don’t mean very much they mean enough that someone spending their entire life I would nip that in the bud
by the way we’re probably doing this to 700 people different people I couldn’t be you because you be like me and you need to get a life man that’s what all the Twitter people go with a God damn you’re fat and you’re in town today and who cares and then I go fuck you and then they go fuck me fuck you. Fuck you kid fuck you and then the end of the kids but you know I say you’re fat and Chevy Chase in fat fat listen to me talk to you
nothing’s changing open at nothing’s changing
this is where the kid always goes
that’s the worst thing in the world
lake lake what are the we live in a society where attention is currently but your attention to you electronically instantly with the system and notified the gas called the pursuit of happiness and then I like we invented cameras and it’s like a Jerry Springer can save my marriage and like I mean something famous famous important because it’s like if you had if you had a big pile of dollars in your hand like and they all said a thousand on them so you like you’re walking around a big pile of dollar cake then everybody around you knows when that person has like something I could use that to buy food I could get shelter with that I could get whatever I want because it’s like that’s capital
this this is shit that will get you anything so like those people then go well when I just beat him up and take this out of the answer is because there’s nine dude standing around me who are like wearing sunglasses because I have so much of this that they all have summoned like what why don’t they kill me well they don’t kill me because if they do like they’ll just like there’s another ring outward now or so that’s the whole system what was my point we want to be left alone because people can have the money cake because these people at once they started going like okay let’s make it would slip sell everybody just nothing like lately just tell him stories and things you make television and movies and then people go like today thank you for the money that’s like like we’re making money off of like like like telling you stuff and then the guy on the screen that guy’s famous because you recognized him as he stopped at the grocery store buying milk
I have to buy milk he has a guy buy milk for him that’s what makes it even more exciting to see him and seeing famous people that’s obscure holy shit that’s over there I’m never going to see this person ever again in my life I might even hate him or love him I doesn’t even matter I just can’t leave this room without like something and if I had that then I’d also have money and power and I was but it’s not true anymore like a piece of people tweet you and they got like a fat fuck what you doing fat fuk and then you go hey fuk you pipsqueak and they go I one but then there it doesn’t help them at all what they call a victory is the mechanic of Twitter functioning as planned
he tweets that you you see the tweets that’s not that that’s Twitter that’s without a win
how do you like you shouldn’t you wouldn’t like send it to take an x-ray of your broken leg with your phone and send it to your doctor and when your doctor says it looks like you have a broken leg and you fucking loser
Why is my
fucking bitch
French baguette shit looking the next train to self employed at home doctor looking at x-rays has a fascination with me
broken leg winner okay I just had the I had this idea I should have mentioned it before you know when people have these mic drop moments these Spike the football moments sounds like I was about you were about to do that before I cut you off but like what you see
when you have that Mike Trout moment is you should do the NPR sign off like they do because you know they always end with this awesome or they think it’s an awesome line but it’s not and then they Spike the football with her name there’s like it looks like these ballet shoes are in lockstep I’m Arena Simon’s MPR news Brazil
so you just feel like
hey Dan are those pants brown or did your shit fall out of your pants I’m Spencer Crittenden
I think we should start that is that your face or did your neck throw up from Washington I’m Corey flintoff
I just asked what I was doing the same thing but I just want to say dumb shit I don’t like like his most the time they sound when they say that they when they say their names it really sounds like they’re like yeah I really nailed it but most of the time it’s just really lackluster and it’s like it looks like Autumn has come to town and Corey flintoff and VR that’s your I don’t know if they have that Cadence it so you think it’s going to end and then it doesn’t become something where the heart is
David walks to Dunkin Donuts
yeah I was ready to move on
let’s let’s do it let’s do it let’s do a segment called my friend my friend needs a job Marley are you here can you come out of stage Marley Marley Nelson okay he will but it just might take a bit or I hope he well I don’t want to speak for him when he gets here we’re going to give him a job
I know what you’re thinking it’s good that I came here to give what can I give I drove from Phoenix I paid $35 and I want to engage in Sharon
standing in line was my duty now begins my obligation that’s what you’re thinking. Isn’t a duty and obligation at a Miley
alright Marley Marley I met you because you are we should we not save how I met you because he’s up at the hotel I was staying at and you’re very hospitable person while I was gone at one point you got fired from the hotel because you weren’t I don’t know what the story was a little complicated it was one person said there’s another person said that but essentially I kind of had sex upstairs and it was frowned upon. Apparently you can’t do that type of thing at work
only thing that is in a hotel has a bunch of empty beds that’s what I’m saying if you work at a hotel and you’re doing a good enough job that one plus one is two as what I mean like
I didn’t bring him up cuz I knew the reason you got fired was awesome
he told me he wasn’t at his post but it sounds like you were had to keep her professionally I don’t know that
I was posting though it was yours
all right so and yeah you were a hero. If you can make friends with me it means you’re you’re you’re either black or
or you’re a very friendly like that for both and if you’re both were friends but but you seem like a good guy I don’t think that you’re secretly a rapist or anything like I also I don’t think you’re a secret when it comes through before the show and I got some data like you were in the hospitality industry but you were very good at if I could if I could start a hotel I would have you at the front door like I would know that you were going to make every guest feel wonderful but you went from there to comic book distribution currently working in that you’re a big comic book fan you like Iron Man and Spider-Man without favorite complicate
question man probably doctor doing Batman would have to be like d like Pinnacle of comic book don’t you like Doctor Doom a guy you like like his you said earlier you said this election is like choosing between Doctor Doom and Red Skull
which means like an Insidious like him because if he’s going to take care of you he’s got a lot of area we loved
and yet we have universal healthcare absolutely I don’t want to look like Destro Red Skull is like who has a red skull like that that and he’s not proud of it and then like eventually gave in like the way with the big league thing we became Big League since its money in the water share this like that doesn’t matter how you feel it what matters is your you tried Hospitality you’re not working in, for distribution what
you told me if you had your ideal job it would be getting high and talking about Comics all day is there a is there anybody in New York that is comic book store coming along the pipeline getting high and talking about comic books
yeah I mean you would have to do ads while you got to let go
can you imagine like pitching like this comic book superheroes as if there are podcast ads like I’ve been reading Spider-Man for a long time and I got to tell you that it’s 20% off and Spider-Man has webbing that entangled foes with ease and the strength of six men I don’t know it would be great
all right so some people listening to this will know Marley Marley Nelson Morley Nelson on Facebook he’s in New York he needs my mom is going to hear this shit bro
yes he’s off those keys off the map what your mom doesn’t listen to my podcast biggest fan podcast and then you’re like Michelle know I get high like knows which is what everyone else to know that you know who I just put that shit out just don’t tell her you’re on a podcast she’s never going to find out I hope not my rent’s going to be all fucked up then
how do you do the update I love comic book see that guys I was Batman versus Superman
what what
what do you what do you what do you think of this Bean guy at this Batman movie like I have opinions too but I want to hear yours
being at all I mean like I get what they were trying to do cuz I ain’t want to do is like crazy ship a thousand fucking Bainbridge did that shit in the whole Nightfall storyline it was like a whole fucking me now that she was all fucked up so he’s supersmart right like like he’s a mastermind and that wasn’t it at all Batman the movie
putting a hood on a plane and he’s got this whole plan laid out because he apparently knows exactly what happens when you surrender to the federal government but he knows he has got a hold on his head and he doesn’t know that’s not going to happen I don’t admire that kind of villain he doesn’t plan things like the Joker was it okay if I don’t like it I don’t like I don’t like like lack of internal logic in my superhero in the Joker or been to the Joker for a second
turn it on to do anything other than what made sense because that was a superpower like that was a cool that Heath Ledger Joker was like we all agree like that was kind of the best part of that movie that they act like they finally they made the Joker makes sense in that way it’s like I was just like a he’s a compulsive anarchists he just wants to watch the world burn it’s like it’s kind of cheating but fine fuck it looks like I’ve got a plan for Gotham
I’m going to make sure everyone was fine but you before that’s way better than the pain that we had in even say this like causes me physical discomfort but I’m going to say it because I love all of you, Batman and Robin Wright
what it was like that movie the pain and that was just like it was like a slap to the face of everything I’ve ever known in the comic books it was like almost as bad as Spider-Man’s organic we met I met
Adam West at Stan Lee’s comikaze
that was very uncomfortable
why because I I told the Comic-Con organizer she said I hurt her going like when Adam West gets here but it was like is Adam West here I’d really like to meet him and I didn’t expect like actually like steps to be taken that involved putting anyone out and I and then we went to meet Stanley which turns out means that you I kept thinking we’re going to be brought into a room and he thinks that he’s getting interview of course he does that stuff this is my time has come
you’ve got better shit to do is get a better idea it’s like he’s dead and it was like it was more like oh well you do the Comic-Con do you go in the front of the line and then you meet Stanley is fine but we’re walking from the Comic-Con out to the van to leave in his golf cart is speeding up and the Comic-Con organizer leaps into the path of it and flags it down because it’s Adam West and Dan Harmon wants to meet Adam while now and so Adam West’s like who
and Burt Ward who’s in the backseat is like double who because he didn’t say you wanted to meet at Wards so even if he’s Barack Obama I don’t know if I got a holy bulshit me man
he’s like he’s in therapy and his therapist is teaching him and she’s like when you have anger I want you to it’s okay you can keep saying holy whatever is bugging you but you have to I want you to start telling yourself
instead of Batman
show me man anyways that was a funny the golf cart and then it was like there was just the whole golf cart was loaded with the entire cast of the Batman original TV show I didn’t really I didn’t I was like and then I was like it was an it was they were like deer they’re busy and I found myself angry at them like I’m like why am I mad at myself cuz people every day who are going through all this shit not to flatter myself I’m just saying like like I was like oh this is always happening like old people going like I also met Walter Koenig and I just watched him and Bruce Campbell in Moon Moon Escape what is an awful movie from the 80s and Walter Koenig sand it and I couldn’t I couldn’t
it was like why am I telling him that it’s like it’s a shity movie he knows it’s shity like I like it’s embarrassing as like and I knew it the whole time I had 20 minutes to Stew on it and then I ended that 20 minutes ago and said Sarai I had to say it but I know it’s you know it’s all that movie you were in that whatever the name of it was in the end any is just stared at me blankly and like yeah of course what do you expect it makes me feel sad anyways the elections happening in
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out while actually. But you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes would like to my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film earth like a verb you’re always in good hands
adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
sorry about that detour I’d like to bring her name is Stephanie to the stage Stephanie are you are you here are you able to come stage
I hope you know we met Marley and I were a venue and then a couple walked by and we started we struck up a conversation and the the wife I think she’s she was just walking your husband to harmontown and she was going to stand in line with him until until he got to the front of the line and then she didn’t have a ticket and she was going to go home cuz she’s just going to support him cuz he’s a harmontown fan so he’s not capable of existing on his own on a sidewalk I get Stephanie
hey I haven’t have a seat and take that Mike I’m sure you’re you’re probably I don’t want to I don’t want to assume this but I also want to support you if you are out of your terrified or you’re nervous or anxious or is this is this a normal thing to be in front of you but you’ve been in front of people before I’m fine
but we talked about you I don’t know how it came up with the idea that you you can beatbox just a little bit like you’re not you’re not claiming expertise take down any Sucka MC’s no no no
flashlight beatboxers do
I don’t know in their elaborate chess game like what were the if the beatboxer is allowed to take down a sucker MC that that maybe something that only a queen can do they have anything on you right right that was good I stand by that make it more comfortable for you do you want some water or some vodkas if you want okay alright we’ll just a little experimental a little beatboxing
give it to a man

a vending machine so hard that one leg clean and then I took her to dinner I caught your mama gender winner
she’s an example to us all cuz I didn’t like her at all I was lying and I’m a weak man and your your mama should lead this land she’s put up with enough and she showed she has Merit your mom before a ferret
that’s not easy to keep upright
I can’t beat boxing filled my hallways and 8th grade it was it was it was my Generations doo-wop
I went to I went to a virtually all black Middle School I’m Not Looking At You Miley and I have diarrhea
said the word black I think of it I don’t see the world through that lens I don’t connect those dots
basically all black middle school and most likely has like one of my cat just a half-dozen kids that have been but we’re bust into for the computer specialty I remember to call magnet schools or desegregation traps or whatever but those inner city schools I’m going to go from Wichita
Wichita was overused the last show at I don’t know anything with geography if you’re in Wichita, sorry I couldn’t Point At You in a map you’re fine you’re fine you’re fine human being use anything other than that example of humanity a good person where was everywhere so you just walk down the hall between classes and just literally like three dudes any three dudes like that is like we always did like nobody one guy like freestyling and then like maybe trading off and said there was that was like triplets it was like like and then like so I would I kind of learned I’ve learned to beatbox a little bit too
that’s that. That was my only Point why do you know how to beat
my first my first exposure to Beatboxing was Rozelle of course or just YouTube videos, of course I know you said they of course is what bothers me because the important place I should know who Rod Silas and I don’t I don’t know what he was like one of the Pioneers what about the human beatbox in The Fat Boys was it I always assumed he was the first beatbox cuz his name was the human beatbox literally his a Ra’s al Ghul
I also noticed that people fighting and stuff cuz I hate that fucking annoying I just like fuck off and you don’t sell it differently if they want you to stay at not like the letters are
what’s the weather like in there not sorry it was he like as a actual Pioneer beatboxing like he was just the first person I saw like it is a most of it will be a busy bee obviously Doug E Fresh then yes big buff love other is a light and late 70s and early 80s doing a lot of fresh jet was doing his own beat boxing and then he was like no I think that’s I think it’s the end of my questions I think
cuz we aren’t we we know the same amount of LP boxing interview
yeah but she was really good like we did remember we know for sure that we’ll find out I I staying in a hotel with my girlfriend and we fart in front of each other now but like I
I don’t know if that is God damn it I’m so scared we’re going to just find Steve Steve leaves the fall Journal I’m so dread like just the hand sketches of women’s hair going over their shoulder just a red marker across the eyes or something anyways I maybe I maybe I tipped I still like I try not to fart in front of her trying to go in the bathroom and
you know sometimes it might feel like it’s got to be allowed one I’ll turn on the water
and I think I got a way with this one and I wanted to share it with you
what’s the water going on
I don’t think she heard it she was sound asleep
that was a really good one though that was that was a solid eight solid 8
I think my hesitant
it said Hannah damn sounds like it has something to say
Play That Again Play it again I think I know what it’s saying
no I didn’t I didn’t I got a rock I had no idea and then that was just the lowest common denominator so I jettisoned
I need a happy guy remember that you know for those of you there were at the last show and there was some question about my level of happiness and I think this is a happy person
I think it’s foolish to to characterize me as having personality disorders and actually got to be a little bit and we ended up at this art and it was like oh Dan harms a piece of shit cuz he yelled at the kid on Twitter and like a read the whole article and read the comment in the comment section and it was like yeah I’m fine with this and fine with all of it I’m like and then I ate like I noticed the rest of the night I was like actually really bummed out I was like it was like on me it was in me like prints are you supposed to are you supposed to confront the things that make you feel bad or are you supposed to because that just make me feel bad you know a little bit I think you’re supposed to let you know just kind of filter it you’re going to have to remove that toxicity from the universe you know using yourself
do that shit you know that I got knowledge it and then like fuck you your piece of shit I don’t have to answer to you and like fill out the proudest thing to me is that the finger
if I make I think that’s So Meta cuz I’m I I I think for a moment about being adorable
but the thing about being adorable is that it’s all about hesitation like that. That’s an image of should I should I strike a hesitant pose and then I was like I don’t I hesitate to do that sound like
quadruped adorable
women are heroes like
I think is better people cuz isn’t that gross and can you imagine like like either she was asleep or she ignored it or she she loves me like she like she acts like it’s fun like like she loves it she and I farted on a candle together
that is bad as smoking lovely I like that sound and I looked back and she had creeped out of bed and was like on the other side of the candle
you can’t just say I feel like you just did bro love you you like you have to like it all comes in the form of like specific things and that wouldn’t be the same like I haven’t seen a third movie at it but I don’t know if it’s I don’t think it changes I don’t think she wants somebody fart on a candle with her
Stephanie what’s it like being with a harmontown fan
it’s awesome he’s best
I love him he’s introduced me to he’s made it he’s helping me appreciate humor more he’s more funny Than Me by a long shot I’ve been getting into improv lately which I’m not so great. Sounds like he’s got some kind of gas light
good guy, but I bet you’re better than him in every way he said she sounds like a terrible person and that’s what makes people funny
people are funny people
if I can’t love myself
why am I so happy I love I love I love how old I’m getting it was good I always wanted to be this is who I was in kindergarten
and the principal didn’t understand that so he was like you should be held back you should you can’t move into first grade why cuz you can’t use scissors wall either can this guy
like that you’re I’m not supposed to use scissors I’m supposed to fucking fart in a bathroom like like looks like a horrible on a daily basis I have like at least three and especially while like is that is that like a big zone for women like deep as I got lazy like they have a less Aid spending makeup I would I would just take an eyebrow pencil a line line line so it’s like that’s what you’re avoiding is a horizontal line indicates unavoidable especially in this delicate situation and you managed to not have a single
then I get up and I die let it all out
what is a asset what would it is it g are you up to are you do you want to talk I’ll just a little bit about politics but more of the spiritual side cuz I know I was at a table last night with like three women three dudes and then one of the dudes was a young harmontown fan who came to the table and like made the mistake of telling Evan Shapiro head of sea so that he wasn’t voting and you guys are here are you okay
don’t get a big head you’re not here on this right now you’re a lamb to the slaughter was like oh my God you’re not going to vote I sympathize with everybody if it the funny thing is that is a bunch of dudes one of them yelling at everybody laughing then of all of the talking all this stuff and I just like my girlfriend and two other women were the other half of the table and it was kind of like I picked up like a couple of like sound bites that it’s it’s like
it’s it’s as if women are going through something right now where it’s like they’re all looking at each other going like you fucking believe it or not I don’t know like what is it what K can you give voice to that so that I’m not mansplaining it or selection going how how did how did how did this happen and so is there something inside you that’s like is it frustrating
because it’s everybody’s argument to have everybody’s decision is it frustrating because does it feel a little bit like this is this is this is my time this is my space this is this is not really in the grand scheme of Elections can you fucking pick up this bullshit some other time and can we get this over with where we make this historic important step is that jeju-do if I don’t I don’t want to put words your thoughts in your mouth and I don’t know if maybe that would May defend you that you’re like I’m sure Jessie was blinded by pheromonal and I are calling I don’t know just just save the show hotels where you’re at
fat back into the goal of a standing ovation from all women and then just imagine what would I say to get that
I’m kidding obviously that’s a terrible way to approach creativity
alternative
how you actually feel and knowing that someone might out there might like put a Reddit post and say like she’s got a lot of nerve
if you’re willing to risk that just say you can just say how you feel I do appreciate that the dialogue and women has become so much more the Forefront of everything right now and for once people are angry at the things that Donald Trump ends like are saying which is huge just the fact that there are so many women and men coming out of the saying that’s sort of okay it’s it’s so not okay that we would actually vote for someone of the opposite party for example based on just these comments about the one policy and all those other nasty women that already sounded like an oxymoron before in this election but the numbers where but you’ve been paying more attention that the media has there been a huge
Exodus from GOP women to things that are saying like this guy is the worst and it has to do with who I am like like like the fiscal policy fuck class struggle fuck cultural shock leg for this for years I am with her zuvio do you like encounter it’s seen that
so in my Social Circles I generally congregate with liberal women but from my readings in the Washington Post I see more and more women of every political leaning saying
you know I’m with her music
or we can really do it
it in in like a lamb
out like a lion
it’s like I don’t know the world is it
can’t even going to vote look at his face
sister just a stick at it as like a scotch tape behind it election still stick straight to my shirt now I’m going to I’m going to go and I’m going to pull the lever like very proudly for somebody that in spite of all my political opinions which are left of Anarchy like which means I wish that everybody that ever thought they had the right to tell us what to do with die in a fucking Inferno
like so who do you vote for the green party I don’t like them either way I know there’s got to be a better way but I’d also don’t I don’t like the look on people’s faces if I tell them I didn’t vote in like like like the pot you know like posturing about how the system isn’t going to work and all the stuff like I I would never ever ever tell anybody that she was choosing to like right in their roommate or vote for third-party candidate or even not to go vote like at the point where you’re bullying those people you got to step back and ask yourself like like all they’re saying is they’re not voting for this particular fucking system and if you’re only advertisement for it is to yell at them like like why what what do you expect them to do oh yeah so sorry I didn’t look like if you if you want them to be a fan of democracy at least give them a space to waste their vote likely that’s should be there right now and I’m going to but I always let go
I have no pull the lever for the Democratic candidate because like this fucking guy is an emergency and I resent the fact that I should be tending to an emergency with my fucking vote that shouldn’t be my vote job
so I’m like but it’s not the time to protest because both voting and protest vote and aren’t going to make a fucking different that’s the problem Revolution doesn’t happen behind that curtain if it with anything behind that curtain was it could happen that was powerful it would have been made it illegal a long time ago and so but I’m going to go do it solidarity and then I’m like we got a fucking for real we got to like figure out how to how to get to like we got it
I don’t think we kind of fix this we going to like lately if you’re if you’re if you’re a human being and you’re like living with him this system like you have the right to go stand on the street corner and say I don’t like the system I think it should change guns you with a taser and I put you in a van then that that that you’ve done your job that day like it because you’ve proven like like like with the wind we give aids to cancer as we talked about our previous episode your alerting white blood cells to an end after Tuesday like we got to we got to just go like okay that’s great historical she’s president like now let’s fix this shit these people are born rich they have no fucking entitlement to talk to us like animals we’ve got to have representative democracy
I’m so proud of it like look at me
look at there’s a woman that loves him
and she’s gorgeous she’s amazing looking let’s not a why I like her I noticed how hot she was like three conversations into making intellectual love to her
is that a July protest too much alright give me a beat box let’s do a New York rap and then I want to I want to wait what time is it 565 in the air show start at that response was
I like we’ll figure it out then go back in time and don’t come you can’t can you
give me a beat box I will do a little New York rap and then make that seat available for somebody from the city that’s feeling pain
or pleasure
yo yo hundred 3rd Street to 65th took the subway down and I smoked a spliff of reefer weed I bet your mama cuz she wasn’t need I’m a charitable contributor to your mama’s pussy
with my dick and my balls every summer spring winter and fall I put my penis in her vagina from New York to North Carolina the Eastern Seaboard is your mama’s pussy
the Eastern Seaboard has your mom is and I was like one syllable for vagina vagina that’s big and your rap well
we should come up with one Bob I’m pitching
call it Bob
it’s all it’s all gross if it’s one syllable I think if it is there a one-syllable word for Country School we know those ones cont is all the way over in until like refreshing like it’s like the n-word of vaginas beds come on gang
gas. Let me know you can. You hear yourself I didn’t I didn’t ask and I didn’t I wasn’t staying
I know they exist but my question is are there ones that make us feel comfortable but that’s that’s for bridal showers
bad seems okay I’ll let you ladies get mud or something is that no one wants to do that without question
there’s no there should be one that’s like Earth
like I guess that’s that’s my soul now that’s not bad
the rug rug rug
I think we’re really good like I mean it’s just I don’t know just saying it’s like moist most important here’s my pitch okay I’m waiting here it is for Real pitch cuz imagine using this in slang OB awesome life yo son you get some of that life I don’t know I was like we get it it’s life that’s why we want it yeah and I think it’s still gross but like cuz we’re at least like kosmala and placing it like I said I can get some of that life
so A lady called A lady called out that holes don’t have agency they don’t but
I think we could give him over so we can make that happen how would you give a whole agency though
play I feel like a gatekeeper in that sense
Dora yeah that’s a whole it’s not just like something that could be affected then it’s like you know it older men
yeah I don’t know yeah well look I’m putting it out there it’s not going to come from me
uuu female her meeting ends go figure it out that’s what you do you create
create a one syllable word for your vagina
make it beautiful I’m counting on you I believe in you my name is Dan Harmon and I approve this message
I already landed and a lot of people did he just say he was scared of us that’s not comforting either
that’s what they say before shooting sprays noted
split the dip
nevermind nevermind
okay let’s have a hand for a Stephanie for her beatboxing
you can go rejoin your
thank you so much I’m glad we ran into each other I mean that like you we live in an alternate universe now where you came to the show instead of going home with knows what you would have done she’s ignoring me now
that’s a tasty beat box for a stranger that was really good she said she did it to kind of knew how to beatbox and come on that’s really great she was not like milk can I be on stage like I definitely totally like to spend it on her and was like that would be fun and she was like like so just so you know okay so let’s let’s let’s my New York for a non 911 related
probably not election-related its 8:11 its 8
if not for daylight savings it would be 9/11

it’s more meaningful because it involves remembering
the remembering is built into the 811 commemoration it’s like part 911 Part Memorial
I agree is it is it is it anybody anybody hear let’s say I want to ask for something specific you guys are so polite and nice like you’ve been you’ve been great like it’s New York they function as a as a as an as an entity that’s what they do for a living people in LA or like who’s this person why are they near me like I live on top of people so I’m not going to try to get away from me like it’s like we’re trying to do us and just get away and go with how we can offer it then you just ended like there’s a dead stare that comes with that but if you tap the jar and they’re like how can I help you
I guess they’re not dead they’re just like that’s their job there in a jar like that’s the best thing I can do their like focused like space camp when they get launched into space the kids and there’s a point where it’s like oh we only have so much oxygen you know what takes up oxygen complaining it really does like a guy who played the dad in Revenge of the Nerds like he was he was he was talking about French fries or her that monologue
and he’s like he’s like he’s choking me some french fries at end of the Val Kilmer like analog either there’s a guy who has like Hey listen man and he’s like okay cool just wanted your mom out of french fries like like everybody like who they look you look at them in there on the street and you’re like oh there they hate themselves and each other so just making it work they’re fine to wake up like Westworld Blakely
they’re they’re like my name is Dick Van Dyke dead it’s not their fault
it’s not their fault the big-city vertically arranged
but also you should stay here because Los Angeles is definitely going to run to the ocean to fall into the ocean
which will raise the property value in your neighborhood
poisoning you out into a further like Jersey ish
and you’ll be like in Cumming
I love you like a special Harmons and it picks me up from my Brownstone and takes me up to the tower where where I am on my way but the bus won’t be accountable to like tickets and stuff and then you guys will stand in the way of it. Like. These are buses
have you seen have you seen those lift buses are ridiculous city buses except they have lift on them
I’ve seen him in La I don’t know I haven’t lift buses open-sourcing public transit yeah I hear the rolling out a program where instead of picking up people on demand will just go from place to place and people can get on and off at will
it’s a real what do you call it disruptive Market & Cafe
see if you can get a transfer that’s amazing you can slowly move from where you sit in the bus like toward the island and that’s that’s complicated that be fun you like meow meow beans
I thought that would happen so right now The Gramercy theater just like use your instincts and just ask yourself what I am prove this show
if I can I’ll just try that I’ll just be open about it like you your your hands are moving are you
you had an interesting day okay that’s good so you want to come up and
where at where at where at where at Cosmopolitan City like we don’t have to put a skin on it blue and I really just want to be up there this is like who wants to be up here I do I like red some person said
not everything’s a wisecrack
all right what you say your name was my name is Jared Jared
that’s a that’s a famous name when you say Jared people always say oh Jerry know oh Jared Noah Gary from the subway commercials. I can’t do that anymore
Jared like the prisoner
okay Jared well are you young enough to ask how old you are and I just turned 25 a few days ago Dura-Ace good luck what’s a few days ago I got my gallbladder taken out yeah yeah it was my it was my second procedure in like 5 days cuz I like couldn’t sleep is this horrible pain every night for like 12 hours and then they’re like all you’ve got a thing in your bile ducts and I like that’s a gross words and I got the thing out of the bile duct and then they’re like all we got something out of the bile duct the man we saw with your shit with your gallbladder so I need to get that out and then I got my gallbladder popular in women over 40
you just mean the doctor’s like it’s normally like women like in her forties or fifties to get their gallbladders out but I was having this pain and they’re like all those probably are gallbladder and then which is a really routine saying I mean I’m here cuz they bothered to take this like they’re like there’s something in the area of your gallbladder is the offense of urban
motherfuker you got to just give this one up and get over it
I don’t open my mouth when I drive
motherfuker
anyways I was a new character and probably didn’t see if anyone was going to continue Jared’s so anyway I guess those were the past few weeks I’ve been dealing with his whole life gallbladder and all the pain and stuff and it it’s what they took it out I feel like I ate a Burger today and which is probably I probably could have made a better choice guys that have the gallbladder removed I feel like it’s it seems like a thing that would happen to me like it’s I seemed like a kind of person that would have a gallbladder removed what the thing is once it’s out you’re just relying on your liver for what
it basically as as I understand it your gallbladder like processes fat in that kind of right and so I normally do I go and just take her gallbladder out of your liver will take care of it and it will be fine getting mixed up with a goddamn appendix hurt something some people it’s just hurting and you can look at that fucker out of the gallbladder okay how many do you have before you get a go back to me one so it’s like your liver or your heart run it in that it’s a one it’s a wonder there’s like four holes in my body right now and they started like it’s here and then I swear to God they got like basically got it down and pull it out of your belly button they told the whole organ out but they don’t actually cut you open and go in there
what are you showing me that’s my that’s a hole in my belly button okay and then it’s other holes up here when I want to see The Voice
he was like I kept missing Jesus Christ Is Us
what are the explain that a little bit more sleep
yeah
women over 40 how recent is your gallbladder activate
Okay so you’ve got just a little little sexy like
but it looks like you got shot like
yeah
it went out at how does it look now it looks less gross in this right
that’s fine
is easier while you’re a good City I don’t want to I want to say I’m really coming I don’t want to discourage you very close though
oh yeah
Hyundai identical
ethnically ambiguous guys with this haircut and guys the jig’s up your you’re a famous you guys are directors I assume you’re the something Brothers for sure sweetie in the belly button blacked out in the city
did you give him from the still open to town if you if you live in Brooklyn or anywhere else on the carrier downtown Manhattan. I’m going to the city when you want I’ve started a friend of yours stay up all night like they could Hooverville alright I do I remove the gallbladder this is what these little claws to go inside and like yeah I took two of them to the smaller ones that I should have found this all out before they put like the tools inside and they
now and then they suck it out I thought it was through the bigger scar not the belly button to maybe your surgeon did it differently but what about the tubes going in and out you saying like there’s a robot being put in there
I think the robot goes in the in the in the body and the robots like in their stitching
it is sentient it goes inside rice man has replacement I mean like these see the doctors told me that 90% of people feel no difference but I totally experience like certain digestive thanks so just be aware if you see stuff that makes you want to puke your ear your kind of like that’s all right
I like fried chicken. It’s usually after you eat dinner but now after I eat my walk around what you do a lot and I’ve always been like that I’ve always been the same way I eat I I believe that I’m a like a river supposed to Spencer Lake that I know I size of a burger that needs to come out of my butt that’s how I experienced I was at work and there’s this halal cart across the street so I can go to the me a lot of extra did eating it and I pooped and I came back out of work and first small office I kept eating and then I had to poop and then the third time I didn’t want to be the guy
who gets up and poops at least three times a day within like an hour so I just told my boss I wasn’t feeling well and I went home
and I took a 3-day weekend cuz I was embarrassed for us
do white guys that have to poop all the time just because your day was interesting and I was like you got to go what was your name again I mean severe gallbladder I know you’re he’s right he’s is is it its judgment like they’re both are clearly they’re family like
these chat rooms are easily separated and it’s just an old people and makes you feel really really small
you’ve got some gall
you know we don’t got a lot of time left something yeah I know you know everyone’s been wanting to play D&D wants to play DND again
yeah I was thinking maybe we could play D&D so first we need characters do you want a reprise Sharpie or do you want to just come a Sharpie if I were very short on Time gentleman so quickly you got to come who are your characters who do you want to be who you want to be in you let’s go you first character you can make it up whatever you can pick Jeff whatever Camille’s character Chris de Burgh Lady in Red
I’m going to do my own character DM Paladin elf that’s what we do what’s his name I don’t like brag about it but I’m down you know what’s up
pretty amazing
all right you’re like my five black friends is a transgender DND player
all right you enter the village full of junk food but all you want to do is snap
I make a will save I have no you can’t you can’t resist the temptation of all this junk food come on you eat the junk food I try to eat the junk food because it seems to be the only option yeah no I have to go to the field first I have to roll a spliff and I have to work up that appetite to get to the junk food so I’m going to go once and smoke first we are going out you’re going out to smoke and you see an old man
he says start
healthy for Fox
so I think it’s let’s put it at let’s put it at cork Stern
sorry what are you here in this here eating junk food in the junk food Village okay I kind of want to stick around for the junk food it’s been a while since I could eat it I don’t write some imaginary junk food alright well as you’re eating that an old man the same old meant you wouldn’t know that an old man comes up and says miniature boxer mix Max the next week Main Street in the mood for you created with a quality ingredients therefore my official official colors flavors sweeteners
well that’s hardly drunk at all
he hands you a nature box
your personal favorites are vanilla vanilla bean wafers in flam or plan or important coins plan of Fortune coins
I take I take the vanilla bean Wafers is that what you said right and I throw them at his character as a Hispanic vanilla bean
it’s as you throw those coins it’s because of your word play that’s what you realize that nature boxes
hey there service even better you can order as much as you want as often as you want with no minimum purchase required and you can cancel it anytime but Point strike against his forehead
so there’s no free damage
yeah that’s fucking sucks. Come and check out the Snapchat snap to choose from and they constantly adding delicious milkshakes next Super Smash the world to live
dealing with three damaged I can hardly afford not to
you continue to eat from the healthy snacks of nature box and you realize you’ll never be bored it seems that there are new snacks each month inspired by real customer feedback and if you ever try a snack you don’t like nature box that will replace it for free that’s a snack back guarantee my friend
hey Jay and Jane are you here Jane did you coming to Jane get up here and it shows almost over what are you doing
what’s lose one of our gallbladder people or both legs man
Shane
tell us about your nature box
I was told me that I was a little less hard than then maybe yesterday coming to town if you weren’t going to and then you didn’t and you made it so how’s it going how it right now you’ll save even more nature boxes off and bring harmontown fans 50% off your first order when you go to Nature box.com harmontown that’s nature box.com / Hermantown for 50% off your first order, so what do you got for me everybody dies
I thank you that has been DND I didn’t get a character
Senator Kennedy would you say it do you represent the transgender Community when you say was a great show no the other way around
I get II
what do you need for a male
trans tastic
yeah which is the opposite of transphobic
but more importantly how’s it been going with you is there any developments is there anything in either either included in your life or outside of it as a human being and your glass blowing science and he went went to where you at we haven’t heard from you in a while it’s been it’s been quite a year actually it’s been a lot lot going on a lot of good stuff it’s been a year for everyone
why is Weiser, Idaho
I hold his feet to the fire
Bazar Bazar and then I guess I hope holding your feet to the fire it’s been a lot of kind of spinning my wheels and trying to figure out what’s going on really getting more comfortable with the idea that transition always did the very word trans implies a binary as as I was taught to you joining for one thing I’m going from one thing to another I’m going from one side of the binary to the other side of the binary and want to find out as I’ve sort of been on this dirty and it’s like you don’t like stop in we’re we’re we’re we’re we’re stopping in Kansas Wichita Wichita Wichita line between Democratic culture of the Calgary or something when I get to the hotel bar
is that a new window.
Go to like a hotel you’re staying at like 2 in the lobby and do you have to feel bad like cuz there’s always like a thing in the in the foyer that says like you should go to the Wonder spot and it while you’re here don’t forget to her Al Capone’s a candy and all the stuff that you’re like kind of like exactly like gender yes
I’m reading a really a lot of the last year’s actually just been trying to understand try to read to find what exactly gender is getting to a point of enough comfort that I can cervical step discomfort in his little bit of privileged to have that Comfort but feel a sort of steps
transgender where to be just a nonbinary gender they are neutered
Brewing Brewing Brewing
I’m blowing the binary to the binary
sure did the fart
it would be a bad time to play
continue where was I know about culture the very idea of gender is it about this before that it it’s it’s as if it’s an emergency thing and it’s something that it is really exist within some sort of a matrix some sort of the culture and it’s manifesting something physical the fact that we have done to that there’s a bit of binary on the sexual there’s a binary on this does that to that now comes that
always overlay that in some sort of comfort and some sort of a power structure in an infant red lift let’s simplify things with that does that so we’re going to call those those people and they tend to do that sort of thing just stepping back from all of that and say it doesn’t have to be that way but it’s going to be a pain because it’s going to be getting outside of the system is going to give me outside of its ever get to beat feel like the good person like like like hero of the story when you’re disrupting like like when it’s a matter of everybody just getting behind something that has taken something it’s like it’s fun like it’s standing why shouldn’t it be knocked over like hey remember when I said we had very little time left
but he said that we did it wasn’t quite as hard of an out
and it’s time to transform this phobic into the end of the show I’m going to go sign
that’s what I showed everybody thank you to Marley take me to Stephanie thank you to Jared think it Alex I’m so sorry to Jane I really I was there I don’t know if there’s classes like to me I’m so sorry thanks brother would cover.
will old sweet where we’re drinking

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