Episode
Episode: 308 – Soft on Hitler, Hard on Dicks
Description
Actor/Comedian Brett Gelman and Dan talk about constipation, Dan’s new abs, Buck Rogers, and Hitler. Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis, Spencer Crittenden and Brett Gelman.
Transcript
hello
can I go to Europe
can I go to Europe Europe not a whole lot of his give me a you up
Buffalo
all right I talk to her attorney to
2018 from the Dimetapp saltwater here we are
welcome to MacArthur Park once again is harmontown is in session
hell yeah it’s good to be back I missed you all this bring up Spencer Crittenden
we got that back
what you got in that bag I don’t even know why I’ll tell you when I got back by Sir we got a mayor his name is Dan Harmon
oh damn
Gary Come Home
yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yo. My wraps are tight because they’re slow when you rap you have to know the next thing you’re going to say so my raps will be good today because the beats per minute are 32 so I always know what I’m going to do what I said hip hop hippity hop always rapping I never stopped the other day I went outside I fucked your mama’s butt see that’s why it’s wide
I looked at her and I said
Brad
okay thank you
yeah
it’s like I never left just just slow it down and you’ll be a rap Master you’ll never screw up that was Flawless thank you for coming I’m so excited I was just I was just talking to our guests backstage about about all of the things that but between he and I like but other things that we were like yeah I do want to talk about what about this thing I want to talk about that one for you if we talked about it was just a funny conversation to have
not okay I guess that your guess you have to be there
I guess it’s Brett Kavanaugh
Iona I can I get all my news now my my my I have I have one social media Outlet which is my Instagram account I use from Dave Klein when I’m doing my life tummy crunches so I know now currently what I know is that I know that Jay Z and Beyonce have cut it off with Kanye
whatever whatever supply line they had moving between their Fallout 4 settlements there’s no more lying there on that pit boy map have you guys use the pitbull on the iPad when you’re playing Fallout 4 it’s exciting for like 10 seconds and then you realize you’re like well this is okay this is this is like a the weirder version of hitting the beach like you. It doesn’t exciting for a second cuz you’re like all you can do all the shit on your iPad I applied that I love that I like that is better than that Rockstar Games like you can train your dog if you tap on it and then when you get back in the game you get like a dog turd or something I like it’s been a lot of attempts to excuse your handheld devices with your no I I I I have no voice
you don’t know what I’m talking about walk me into your world I I don’t know as I expect me to understand any of them who are you
why are you white again
I’m the one I’m the white bread and Jackson to come and I and beaners
how do you think I make mom feel like she was here for you all three weeks I make a nice soup but I wish I was on the road waking up early in the morning watching you bench press but that’s what I fucking dead now you’re a skinny Dan Harmon in what way did Dan Harmon go but I had it for a second I did take a picture of it but I didn’t Instagram it
I have like the shadow of a half of a nap I think anymore but it was like I ever went I’m getting there can we see it when I see you won’t see it anymore
but when I
play somewhere in there if you make the images combining form each I owe no
hurry up.
What are you doing is it is it are you writing these cross hatching
all right you gave me an ABS they gave
she gave me an ABS I don’t want to steal your glory or anything but I was laying in bed this morning and I looked down and one thing of might like just one six of my stomach look like it looked as slight bit defined under the morning light and I was like what is happening is this one app no it’s like hair on your tears have a quarter app
I have a 1 pack and also it makes sense that the day when you’re on the verge of getting a quarter app that it’s going to be like poking its head out like a turtle like like like it’ll be there and then gone I’m sure you didn’t see anyone when I lifted my shirt up cuz I don’t see it every every time I’m slowly like the frequency with which you can see it will increase and by 2023 I’m going to I’ve revised my goals I’m not going to look like Chris Pratt by January that’s not happening I’m convinced that their CG and steroids involved in that process and then I won’t I won’t touch him I just think that it’s it’s a lie and but my new goal is original Captain Kirk
back in the day nice when you get a chance or when it when it when it when a man would take his shirt off if he was the lead in the show but he could just be he could just have the tour so it looked like a can of soup and that was considered the absence of anything flowing over the belt was okay and where these big belts like I demand the Gladiator for my satisfaction than the Gladiator outfit would conveniently involves a belt the size of a shirt
who is that handsome specimen
you guys don’t know how to get down get down I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean this is the 25th Century
we’ve discussed this before if you watch the pilot for Buck Rogers what watch it in and indulge me in this Theory I have never looked this up I’d rather just entertain the theory if you want it is it necessary to show in the eighties called Buck Rogers it was there was this guy squeaky head of penis head a little little robot thing and it if you watch the pilot it seems clear to me that the character of Tweaky was not voiced by Mel Blanc as he became like what is it that’s what we became is Buck Rogers would go come on give me five Tweety and Tweety to go get down if you want some pilot it’s clear that this like thing it’s just supposed to walk around but then they because it’s not doing anything but then they like they watched it in post and I think the producers were like this
Bugs Bunny he’s just walking around doing nothing but he’s saying random shit that’s like squeezed in between other guy I spent the night Crossing is circuitry I spilled some Michelob on his circuit board oh you’ve infected our robot with twentieth-century jargon there’s no addressing it at all it’s just that the robot is just going like that’s Gettin jiggy with it but it’s like walking through and it was like he was an afterthought I think I think that was a pilot and then before they got the pilot pick up or after the other pilot pick up before they shot the rest of the shit they retooled the character in post by adding like what if he was saying all this crazy 20th century should just watch it see if you agree or look it up which I refuse to do
Tweety yeah come on now it was Twinkie I mean that that’s 21st century that he’s fucking he’s just a mess and he looks like our present his dick
cuz you cuz it’s Silverwood because Stormy Daniels said our President Donald Trump put his dick looks like Toad from Mario I know that Jay Z is called it quits with he’s not endorsing Kanye anywhere that’s what I know for this week sorry
how many how many squats can you do Waters
alright one more thing and I’ll bring our guests so social media so I
so I die Chi Instagram Instagram my lyrics to My Nigel is eating things that darn food but you knows I don’t know had two rounds right you know so I don’t know sketchy ass veterinarian they go okay he’s going to eat this new stuff through whatever this is a special stuff it’s called Royal Canin I think that’s how you pronounce it doesn’t matter that’s a special dog food I don’t know from nothing I’m just like all I know is I feed my little guy Royal Canin when I feed him I ripped the jingles you know I’m saying I’m dishing it up
and so then I was proud of one of my wrist so I recorded it like this is my jingle for Royal Canin dog food
I walk with no leash Skywalker Low Spirits on from I am a Royal Canin I hold the Golden Boy
okay thank you
that’s very supportive thank you for three days is a Golden Graham and really active in social media anymore I want to be happy and 45 I can’t hide my self-esteem requires me to just output and not input but then I like go back to the Crab Trap and I’ll open it up again like cuz this is morbid curiosity how can you turn how do you turn this bad are the Nazis saying like too bad your dogs have cooked or like your dogs only with you cuz you’re fucking rich and the dark web as evidence that you fuck that.
like like what how are they going to ruin this for me and I said out loud Dakota and ran through every single one I was like that. Too hot for your girlfriend is political like what are they going to do at night when I only one that I didn’t predict of course why didn’t I predict this was just like immediately or you need to feed your dog better food than that and then people responded like what the fuc what food is but yeah yeah
I’ve never seen there’s like 20 there’s like there’s a person in there that’s like like just start they’re like this is my platform of this is my issue like I am going to talk about with a dog is eating enough people like like like trying to knock their hat off that they’re like having like more excuses for tight even more their comments get longer and longer is unbelievable I just wanted to make this observation and I know I know the reason I want to make you happy because I know that I’m going to suffer for making it and it is that that I’m self-destructing doesn’t everybody see that. Like come on
do you think it’s really a coincidence that the people have the most passionate about animals I have the worst social skills in the world if you were really I would can we not talk about that I just that you’re have to hate animals to observe the fact that the people that love them so much that they get angry and spit in your face are like I don’t know what chicken lays one egg but I bet they could
and she told you think that is possible that that cycle started before they did you think that they were like super chill and tactful people that were like definitely had like siouxpreme interfacing and networking skills with their colleagues in their species and then they gave all of that up when they realize how important animals were or do you think it is when people were allowed to say that about video games ships in bottles stamp collecting like we we we all agree but if you say that about an animal lover your house could get blown up
look at its like the implicated and it’s like by the way man come on my hat goes
it is a requirement of being a hero has to be more than saying I think dogs are good
we have to raise the bar on that you have to beat a steam engine while you’re saying it with two hammers or something you have to leg risk something you can’t just be like I love that dog yeah we all do is bread to be adorable a 5000 year process of throwing the ones that weren’t adorable and a campfire literally Eugenics project of it lately it’s a it’s a it’s a it’s a beast that we found in the wild that reflects our human narcissism is it is it is an experiment in how up our own asses we are it’s either yes we love it
curtains light glass of water after a hard walk around the block
of those things like butt. Why are you yelling at people about it for okay let’s bring on our guest
I put I put it I put it in the same column as you know it’s likely appeal
if you’re really proud of your gender or your race was like yeah okay well so they let me guess you can battle other cards in Uno hand like you took the chicken so proud to be white yeah I what else have you done today
our next guest is an old friend cuz I’ve known for so long I would like everybody else and come to the shows like we’re all Workaholics we never actually see each other we don’t have any actual friendship outside of the we were talking to microphone but just amazing Brett Gelman and Let’s Get It On
hey. I told you I said backstage is going to do as is no format and I’m a I’m a horrible host and you said that I’m equally as horrible guest I’m a fan of the show no sign I know that you really listen to this 2 p.m.
I mean you know just to get my mind off myself or give myself the illusion that I’m getting my mind off myself Genji Cohen we were picking you had been here already you were here when it when it first it was opening I love it here and pretend it was just well way too demanding way too demanding to be putting up a show her way through it always be a theme
and it would it would someone relate to that theme and I just basically being an asshole for 2 hours I don’t know like I I showed won’t my mother when I was when I was a bar mitzvah age she sent these letters out to all of these comedians that you got like this big address book from this dude in Vegas and thank you so much
I mean I want one but now I’m sure you want me to have five of them yes I do I do I want you to have five of them for me for me allergic to it oh no I can’t do it right in the organs start to shut down
inbreeding people in breathing was not a lot of people in the old country is a Hollow Leg genetically I don’t think that’s like a gift right no contest from the ages of 30 to 40 bright right like you get like three of those and then you have like I think it seems that are that can hold their liquor the best seem to also have these eraser moles that grow off of their body
you’re not you’re going to have some skin tag so I’m I’m fucked on that that count as well no but she sent letters to all of these comedians with and she got their head shots too from this guy on and sent them a lot of your my son’s favorite comedian will you sign this picture and put in the self addressed envelope connections have to do is all about you. She was looking will you hire him someday and will you make him pay equal to yours was not at all do well I guess in a way she’s in the business she’s an agent for photographers for advertising but I don’t think it was she doing that no she was I think by the time I was born. But she’s definitely Showbiz adjacent smell of the lime in the Limelight right and she contributes to the agency that tells Showbiz what to do the advertising agency
she’s like look I could point this thing at a daddy long legs or amount and I’ll either be Ansel Adams or Oprah the Oprah actually
my journey from Passion to professionalism she talks about the heartache I’m having it turned your back on what you’re truly good at not really for Phyllis you for what makes money and she was like I was never born. I love taking photos of daddy long legs or whenever she’s a guest anywhere she it’s in a writer that there are 20 daddy long legs in her dressing-room oron along with three different kinds of cameras and that’s how she warms up apparently she’s one of those remind you that those aren’t spiders
Angela and if you if you even go near that fucking miss about how they’re actually the most toxic insect in the world but not true he’s paying or the it seems like you know it’s not true so you don’t look it up and then you look it up and of course it’s not true what happened I’d like to talk to you about marijuana they they have they have there poisonous but and they actually there poison his actual she could kill you it’s actually the most toxic poison her drop right but but their Stingers if they ever were to try to kill you they would just never be like giving the Son of Sam a wiffle ball bat
if you know that we have a hundred bucks on that
monkeys on an island and they learned how to take a potato and I found out there was a grab, grab this baby and I want you to race today
I know the information you got good fucking other my daddy long legs that across the world right there’s no way they could have communicated they all said it was the legend was that there was a answer pole logical or whatever you call it when it’s monkeys monkey logical logical logical like Watchtower like an archipelago or something and the monkey population would eat potatoes and then they they observed a monkey like dropping its potato and some salt water and then get fishing it out and eating it and then observed it like being blown away by both the cleaner potato and a salted potato and then observed teaching a friend monkey all of this scans with what we know about monkeys they’re actually quite so
they could write Hamlet if you gave them enough time and space and typewriters monkey principal is sort of a pop science like X Factor principle that says that these people are watching this group of monkeys on one Island and that when the hundredth monkey learned to wash their potato that spontaneously an unrelated research are unconnected like research Tower watching the same species but a completely unconnected island of monkeys that they spontaneously began washing their potatoes without any causal thing so the hundredth monkey concept is the idea of genetic Wi-Fi of like every but it’s a mess that never happened every hundred monkeys psychic
I think it’s the idea that the evolutionary when enough of a community learn something it it becomes Global because it’s like it was like an evolutionary thing it was going to happen anyway. They be believed in this shit called me either they had to its what’s filled in all of the blank space is when there’s that many blank spaces why does light behave this way so scientist in the modern world the world that had gasoline watches not quite television but boy if you saw one of these people in a Time Travel Town like you wouldn’t they wouldn’t be an alien this is the weather like in twenties and people believed in this like Interstellar jelly that we couldn’t see or detect called The Ether that was the thing that explained why if you turn on your flashlight in
boxcar that’s traveling that the other person observing The Boxcar will see the light that I’d move in a different whatever the fuck you bitch whatever whatever whatever the blank space is wearing all the questions we need to answer about light
I don’t honestly I can’t wrap my brain around even the questions they’re asking so I don’t blame them for inventing this thing called the Easter they’re like well it’s Easter they they they would say when you if you if you if you’re driving in a boxcar but it’s it’s filled with ether which we can’t we can’t measure it doesn’t weigh anything it’s just like this jelly that travels with the boxcar boxcar so late because if you know you know the old stand-up joke if you’re traveling at the speed of light in your car and you turn the headlights on what happens
I was like that’s an absolute legitimate question what happens to the headlights fall off do you turn into a who did the original first light in my Barrio was
anyways the Steven Wright like but make up fairy tales the scientific Community makes up it’s so annoying when ever anybody science and terms of an argument for something because I mean it’s not always annoying actually it’s quite essential these days where I actually I mean the opposite of what I just said
yeah I know I mean we should never mind not even going that I do have a point beyond that point but I am not going to even make it because I need to support science right now is Right hundred percent let’s go with science try that on for size world and United States have a good run there’s definitely they’re definitely Heroes right now yeah oh no totally our favorite character walking out of the theater you just very sad point no do I love you
maybe yeah maybe one of us need to dress up like Princess Leia. We have to scam science free all right we have to stop taking the high road I took that bow rosin thaws out it is as big a pussy is Han Solo was in Jedi sorry for using pussies refrigerator but it’s because science like his own science needs to see if we can we survive this cultural War yeah I would like to see one of the side effects of each individual scientist but it’s like a agreement between people in science which says you know what this is a religion in the sense that it is a connection to the unknown and therefore you can’t necessarily be sign and simultaneously say I don’t care I don’t know what happened I don’t care what happens
so my job but you know what I mean like we are lost little lambs because we did a long time ago agreed to trust in science over all the Southern Michigan that frustrates says we have is a species decided to be humanist and and be like look I’m not going to believe things that people that threaten to burn you at the stake tell me to believe I’m going to believe the people looking through telescopes and so since we’re obviously not going to spontaneously develop a culture that saves us that shows us to be good people as we no longer want a base that on whether you go to heaven or hell like the next step is we have to become like Vulcan you know I can and then we need to science Jesus
all of my data shows that will hurt and will kill me all I ask is for you to think about that for a second and he is scientifically proven to solve our problems communication honesty like some maybe connect some of these things that we currently look at as being like moralistic and disconnect morality from this other thing that we can all religion so that we can finally be like like physically like to eat we still connected but we still connect the concept of atheism to like a moron but I think it’s still getting done it still gets done in your head we going to go out that we got to fix that
you guys I got a box car full of you throughout bad
yeah I know you can’t make more but the bad news is we were wrong about the ether the good news is we got a fucking ton of it everybody let’s get some food right now what about poppers you guys do poppers
like jalapeno or animal nitrate jalapeno or animal nitrate I’ll take anything I can to the Pauper he’s like it was like the DIY isala popper and I was like what is that still don’t know that’s why I bring it up at comedy show at cleaning fluid for a videotape by Drake that I know of I don’t know if it’s like related the way Sudafed is related to math or whatever but I know the one thing that those two things have in common
but there’s supposedly dilate your butthole play table nitrate poppers and like and huffing tape head cleaner there are these things called tapes that we believe needed to be dilated
yeah you’re butthead holes it would be good if you’re constipated. What do you think if you dilate your butt and you’re constipated do you think the church is Fallout like a you’re probably right without horses pulling out what happens to horses either it looks like that they’re assholes just opening and shit drops out but now there’s probably a pushing that’s that’s going under the digestive tract and I was just falling out with horses and elephants because they’re just they’re literally eating fiber all that’s all they eat yeah they’re like taking in so much fiber I didn’t actually come to think of it I was severely constipated once because I was on the Atkins diet and I told the story of here before I had I had a softball-sized how do I put this
yeah like like like like like like like I was unable to he had a screwdriver be found in a grocery store because I texted him help me and he brought some thing that he bought that supposed to help make you poop and he read some Joker he read the directions and then we had a Halloween party that night so he read the directions that like take one tablet and you’ll poop in 2 hours so he so he just was like 15 minutes pick four of these
oh no and I just believed him he just slid pills under the door he didn’t slide directions know what I’ve read them I was like I’m with your texting Rob schrab for help yeah right like you out you’ve realized that you have no friends and like that you your gear for life is flashing before your eyes. No I didn’t know I didn’t I didn’t ship my pants I I made it to the bathroom and on time to my Ghostbusters jumpsuit Halloween and I don’t know I never followed up with the person whose house it was to see if I cracked the porcelain
because what happened is nothing happened to the softball this drug that shrub quadrupled it was just like he was just jamming gunpowder in the breach was just putting it in a fucking fired this fucking fucking the Blackbeard fucking pirate movie Cannonball I can’t I don’t know why I’m why am I why am I how do I put the hardship that I flying out of my ass to play like I’m pretty sure I just went home Ghostbusters who you going to call the plumber
yeah I know I’m I mean after you do that the rest of the nights going to be incredibly anticlimactic
I’m back out listen to your stories about him right for you by forcefully firing it from your dilated asshole I like when we met we may have discussed before I buy that when you when you were on the cabbage soup diet to follow up with another first we have it was bad this is the way I described it should I text it sits you know I don’t I just a shame cabbage soup diet as he look back at the ball and it looks like the Kennedy autopsy
okay all right with a friend I don’t know about the audience here and at home but I completely understand what you’re talkin about how could you not we could do something either just say oh yeah I was diarrhea boring
exactly and historic importance of misconduct very tragic recommended guitar kit makes it all right for a second in the middle of that story when you’re liking Rob was at the grocery store needs like yeah I’ll get you something and what he brought back in my mind was going to be a head of lettuce play lettuce fights cabbage like a mongoose and a cobra with the with the with the cannonball with the meatball
okay sorry all right well I feel like people reacted to that like I think they’re mad at us I think they’re mad and I I hope it’s not cuz they’re Disturbed it must be just like okay I know the average person who watches anything yet fully blaming us enough I may not bring you and we’re sorry that we handed you a pretty ruined world
finally enjoy living in a volcano with a pterodactyl who’s at a jeans merged with a with a with a with a with a Criminal
so that we could justify paying at $0.03 an hour then if you complain about it pecking your kidneys out while it’s delivering packages for Amazon and you get sued enjoy yourself money exchanges which is it away is science oh yeah definitely not from the people that brought you is real the reason the reason I am a lifetime fan is because I I think I was the number one Eagle Eagle heart fan over really you must have been and that means a lot of things yeah nobody watched that show nobody with this true crime
I was so impressed with I was like my first steady job that I was proud of you to be a part of it was really something it was yeah it was really fun to work on public working with Chris you know who was I feel like a lot of us wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for us worked on community as an egg in a cameo in so I finally got to stay to him which just felt like that you know it doesn’t matter that you like the mecca thing I could just act like I have to say to this person I can get this out I have to go to this wall and I need to like and say blah blah blah thank you so much for doing an action family on Cinemax.
oh yeah the best one man show the action family was like the fellows the five never when was I ever going to see anyone be constructively saying like oh I was still just a kid going like well I don’t know why people are laughing whenever this happens I don’t know why this film stock is being used like Ryan like you need to see that should be constructed as soon as possible like as young as possible your knowledge he’s still doesn’t get enough credit for what he did I think he’s want I think he’s
one of the most if not be most underappreciated American comedian I think
yeah but me completely Innovative incorrect the crazy yeah no I told him I loved him
and then he was he was kind of a dick about it right he’s a dick not today but it he made me tough it was I think out of love I don’t know nobody likes you like people like me you had to be like a second banana you had to be a straight man in order to hang out you know I know and I feel like people like me that everybody likes me here but not as an actor you’re terrible you’re terrible but it’s okay we’re all terrible but you’re on the best areas in the middle and you’re the fucking worst Midstate eusebiu I’ve got four hours all day all that I guess that’s up that’s my wheelhouse like I said I’ve learned I’ve learned to like pull back on because it it it does just over it
sacrifice people but it comes from though is like a truly like your lampooning yourself like I was always my formula in my thirties I was always like can you imagine if I was bullying you for this how funny that would be yeah I think I would be taking this all a lot worse if it weren’t for Chris I think I would be taking Trump even worse not going to take me awhile but now but yeah I mean I don’t remember why but my my characters legs had been selling off and I was like in this apparatus in this table and it look like I was just like legless sitting on this table and it was so fucking hot we like rented out the house like warehouse and turned it into a studio in Santa Clarita it was not a Sim it was so it was like dead of summer so fucking hot the AC like you might as well not had it on and then I’m like
sweating my ass off and then he’s around and he’s doing the same with me and he’s like oh my God you smell like doodie I hope you oh my God all punch and all God disgusting you said you shower you smell like doodie like everybody everybody looked at me and I’m like I don’t smell like doodie I don’t smell like duties like yes you do you smell like doodoo and then he was like everybody got the whole crew to line up and smell the top crack of my ass in order to agree with him that I smelled like dude that’s that’s I’m going to say that’s too much
just because I like to keep it verbal yeah I know it was physical and so hard what happened maybe I did tell him that I went back in my trailer after I cleaned up and then there was a pair of tighty-whities waiting for me that he had colored in the ass with brown marker I had left for me and my trailer are there smell bad
I do because they were a big fan of Chris and they wanted to see if it was his real Duty or are just a marker please observe smell bad
I’m so sorry I apologize I was also I was off the page odor odor odor odor odor odor odor odor odor odor in the court now that’s a judge I know I now know why the ask me why the judge smells bad but later but now back to your little rubric why did the police have a smell bad
what is a Rubik’s puzzle something changed for June 5th is symbolized by the complicated mind of the Jewish merciless you and you’re inviting the mine for Solutions
oh my God I didn’t Land Orlando rast handcuffs arrest odor smell it wouldn’t be smell it’s a sniff nose nose nose Patty wagon
do you have any do you have any guesses
judge Brett do you have any guesses
I know it I know it but it’s okay I’m going to write it on a piece of paper is partner just remembered do you do it though what is it to ask Spencer and he’s going to give you the punchline
you see I think we might have both got it because he’s the popo
I mean that would have been funny I would have been mad at you if that was it I just got excited cuz I was like because
special why why did the police officers felt bad because he had to duty as he would have liked him because he was on duty at the same joke. Why did The Honorable hard-working police officers do the judges in there to get a ding otherwise people are going to ride duties good Judy thank you I appreciate that there’s work to be done on the popo and yeah I think that we should get their smell bad why
my name is Rishi.
Where to hook a gigantic Oracle day today had to do a store where they ride in a skunk yard
out of the box with a terrible what smells worse than a junkyard
stronger pretty good right
God I don’t want people to think that these were all good memories if he was not abusing me it was fun I mean maybe it was abuse and I just didn’t register it is that but but you know what I’ll have to be okay with being a little mean at time still do you know what’s purple and very dangerous a grape with a machine gun
or I’m sorry if that fucking offended you
but it’s true.
Yeah do you know what my mom told me this is my favorite this was the first joke I ever told is my favorite joke and I was in case you don’t remember telling it I don’t remember to be full of shit she she includes the pronunciation of the punchline that I would do is that my it was what’s what’s gray and has four legs and a trunk
a mouse going on vacation I like that qualifies as child abuse
you give the child is abusing me and she’s projecting she’s protecting her daddy to tell chokes you say I’m good in that story but I I kind of don’t believe it any more than in the last question is she suffering from actual Dementia or anything like that no revised like memories that you were pretty confident we’re like part of your Canon and then like you’re you’re you’re an adult and you’re visiting in your life that’s like that time that that’s soup got spilled her Uncle Dave did this on my mom was just telling you talking about Uncle Dave was a war hero never spilled soup in his life
what the fuck what is that are you gaslighting me like why are you sorry and I don’t know it like my mom you look it up yeah. My mother doesn’t do that my mother likes to consistently pretend of like
seeing a whole situation you know decades in the in the in the making of of something that was the dynamic that is not that I have to constantly remind her that’s not the way that is in each time and disagreed with until we get into an argument of energy
we were always happy-go-lucky true not true I like that type of things that I like myself but I know my personality is very much like I have to catch myself like my mom and I love explaining everything none of our fucking business like there’s nothing at stake for us we just like a manufacturer could cut could introduce himself to me and say or herself you’re welcome yes that’s right
swallow it down
I’m themselves and don’t sell yourself so you know but the house business and they would say like like it’s actually it’s been up and down lately and I would be a cutting the person off and going like oh I got that from my mom my mom is great at it I’m great at it it’s not a great thing to be great at it’s awful horrible habit yeah my mother is one of the greatest of your mom is
I don’t tell you what all moms are amazing
on the line
hammer time give him a nickel a penny or two that’s $0.12 what you going to do with the museum, how do you see a big
how do you see a big big it’s a bit of a tall was very clear to me until post I fucked your mom up rat traps rapping in video idiosyncratic how do you say I’m not big I’m not saying it’s not good I’m just saying I’m interested in what it be okay here with me so I was just like I have to I’m totally it affects the person speaking at a school you you’ve engaged in wrapping a Batu yeah I did I did
yeah I did 20 then you think while that was like me and John Daly that was our thing what was scripted I mean it was like it was problematic I would not I would not do it again it was very very backed out and Rapzilla and who performed pretty like misogynist songs cuz our whole like justification for it was that we loved hip-hop and we were sick of people like doing rapper karat white rapper you know in like just playing on the like cliche tropes like let’s create two characters who really and body
the flaws of like co-opting this music and this culture and then but it was just an excuse to act like a couple of assholes it was so hypocritical and so we did like that we we’re like you know like G-Unit shirts and durags inch it was just it was not call it was very pre-2018 everyone know yeah I know I know I feel like we should hear you guys both Freestyle right now like we will be terrible we’re not like it was not that we tried to wrap as as back you got to you got to beat for a run drive as well as we could do both of us look like okay I think we’ll just do it also like it’s lame you know did you know we were just doing that that was like what we were known for we’re like we should stop that it was
ignorance is it anyway because it was white people love to hit it is there anybody here in the crowd that feels like that they’re good freestyling like they can come up and throw it down
oh shit we got what we got we got one company gas just who is that
oh no I’m not saying every white rapper is like I really hope you’re a woman now it’s definitely cried I felt like I was the person that went that very quickly wait yeah was sitting next to the date I have to get these people don’t have to get in a car with you after I would love it
is there a Gala tonight as it is there a woman that I can FaceTime someone who could really wrap and do the true extent of his graphic capability and was casually slagging him off
well that’s a fair assessment that may well be the case I have to come up here and the halfway to the shop I’m so drunk but when she throws me for a loop I don’t even know how to articulate it that you can’t figure it out I was just fantasizing too that there would be a woman out of the crowd that wants to come up and freestyle rap with all of it might be bad we don’t know anyways Brett Gelman what are you what are you excited about working on right now heart when you’re rapping with women with women
well when I’m not rapping with women which I never am thank you for taking everybody actually started rapping again but the more did you know women lie
I don’t have I don’t you it’s it’s a solo you know we know but my girlfriend won’t but I don’t know what you think it’ll be an EP and then hopefully be on that on there too you know the songs probably will be comedic and they all send it till like something will be like oh my God this is fucking great I’ll pay you like 20 million dollars to fill this out and make it longer which is something that’s always happens especially in those two people always want it longer that you know I’m in this movie room for rent that is
is going to be coming out and I’m in that and then like been shooting Wyman this show called camping with just premiered on HBO
thank you
I just shot the second season of this great show called fleabag I don’t know if you seen that scene Atlanta yet so don’t be offended when I say I’ve been hearing for a year-and-a-half that you recorded this is your very busy replay I am not there is no try. Watching people shows I just don’t do it but for some reason I don’t know if it’s pettiness jealousy laziness what what is it why don’t I watch other people’s shows because you’re you spend a lot of time working on his show you don’t feel like watching like shows that are coming out while yours is coming out I think that is dedicated to appraisal of whether something’s funny maybe that you don’t want to
like someone says you know it’s amazing you should like if you were a yeah it is like like you she has class I’m doing where we crunched this muscle and you’re just like it’s a muscle that you like that you you at you’ve been shooting like steroids into and you’re like I’m going to kill a child go to that I don’t know what I think about this muscle I don’t know why I thought episode of Bojack and I was like this is awesome like like clearly I can see I can see what all the hubbub is about I’m here all my friends are on it I just but I’d still haven’t liked Ben what binge watch Bojack which Cody has therefore I caught a couple episodes and why did I watch all of you go heart why what it was I like not threatened by it because you had to do something was so unsuccessful
I love it I know it’s got quality and no audience Perfect combo for me yeah no I I don’t know I don’t always feel like watching things it can become it’s also like a lot always has just been staring and being like all you got it I mean that’s how it’s so many conversations start these did they all you got to watch then it’s a it’s an expression of my workaholism which is not as nothing to do with work ethic its relationship with what I consider work and so it’s like I yeah I’m like it’s yeah my colleagues are suffering of the symptom of me having an unhealthy relationship with what I do it’s not it’s not about competition or anything is mud runs just like I’m like I have some of version I want to get away from my own work as soon as possible and then I like somehow categorize watching New Girl
with my own job which it shouldn’t have anything to do with that right
new girl he said it’s an example cuz it’s like watching your show and then like I would see a couple episodes cuz my ex-wife the gas it would be what what she watching your girl and I was like I’d walk through the room before I like that it was a great show. I just I was just
I get excited why why do my fist rewatch of my 9th season of Forensic Files like I’m just like like I just rape and murder in this is likely give me the tree crying talking like I’m just like in this crazy life or something like funny things like I just did they don’t make me want to watch them I’d rather watch the stupid shit more than I would watch people that might my friends that like the shows my friends make it and it’s not out of I don’t think it’s jealousy or like like like distancing myself it’s not like I said like I don’t want to watch that, maybe I can relate I do watch things that my friends make but I sometimes don’t feel like it and there is like an aversion I think it’s just because it’s all so close to you and even though this is our job we still relate to everybody that you want
when you watch something escaped your lives at this these things that are close to buy your friends or maybe making you not able to escape your life is much gas I don’t know Gage me to that cuz I don’t think it’s honestly not always like oh my friend worked on this or this is the same genre and even it’s like a giant with engagement haha I think it’s like like I I pay too much attention to act brakes or genre or something like that Forensic Files anywhere near anything that I have ever done for a living so I love horror movies and sci-fi new number one to write up I mean have you had never wrote a Mite Monster House someone someone brought you could hear their voice halfway through it they regretted it
they went anyway
a great film right leg Apple TV and if I see so if I see cover art for a movie that’s like a guy and he’s going to hose coming out of his head and it says in like shity matrix by find The Happening 2
I made it to that doesn’t help know I was at the conduction all aboard the dark web I’ll barely have to run in a world where water is more valuable than metal computer has just been brought online that turns out to be part monkey and I’m just I’m in I’m in I’m in it is a horror sci-fi fantasy even though it’s like like but I know for sure any rom-com anything that’s like anything near that any owls saying any like I have to I have to be in the midst of a trade-off with Cody and then I’ll always I’ll always be like 27 Dresses who would have known but I I don’t know what it is what’s the division like I don’t want to be engaged on a maybe it’s Heartstrings
I just I really I can’t get out of my mind how much how I really discovered one of my
me like top Dreams of My Life in this is that for me one one day to be sitting in a movie theater and see a preview for Dan Harmon’s there’s a Oogie Boogie and nobody will get the pitching on your horror movie okay well let’s do the let’s do this let’s do the trailer for it okay the green screen comes up these pancakes are great yeah
are there where they have buttermilk I put a little bit of Buttermilk in a actually a little bit of Honey feels like feels like the more things you put in pancakes the more you can’t go wrong no you can’t go wrong they are new line presents
come on man load up the car all right all right way hold on hold on I got it I forgot my snow kitty warm kitty just put it in the car with the rest of the Pancake Man you sure that I should bring this on her on her bacon trip huh do more than ingredients the better right
baby
little did these guys know by the way
and and now I’m making a man I don’t give a shit I fucking hate everybody make me some
Robin Van Persie consequences Danny bad thing that we’ve ever done. Gary Oldman and Jon Favreau
sometimes Jon Favreau in his first double role of his career
as the two guys who love pancakes
where the hell is the pancake you flipped man oh no
I think it’s in my snow kitty warm kitty wait you can’t be
it was Ben had Fogerty in it
no man I dumped the fuga tea before I put the still getting will get in the car man Cameron Diaz
anyway one of the lady I don’t know why what did it go right into Camp Regina’s stopping at my game
Cameron Diaz is not in this movie that’s right
there’s even twists and turns in the trailer
but tomorrow is
how you doing
all right well
I know it’s nice to meet you nice to meet you
did you say you have a
do you say you have a
Cameron Diaz is also in the scene with Benicio del Toro
this is
comedy Dominican high and we were just passing by again as I telephoned I just I couldn’t help but overhear if you we couldn’t help overhear I’m sorry dear we couldn’t help overhear sorry I’m really sorry I apologize I apologize it’s not me being a gentleman that’s what I should do okay if I don’t do that I am I wrong cuz you have a little bit too much success I only see it through my mail lens that’s not good so Drew Barrymore
oh my God this is our daughter
this is our daughter, Penny white Penny all bets are off and Harmon there’s an ugly bug in a me under your snow Kitty while hitting
as I was going to put that on my SNL tape I should have put that been easy on my ass and I’ll take them out even more can I give you some instructions for to do John Lithgow to see if my formula to apply South Stony to a blind test make your mouse into a circle like a lamprey okay but no pucker your lips I can’t talk while I’m doing it I was doing jealous God but yeah and then just just say go away
go away. Let’s go that’s great so should I do John Lithgow when you do Benicio or other way around
hi John how you doing
will you save me a flip you for Rico John Olympia project
you know what either of us has neither of us it’s really bad we need to get a Brad Pitt involved to help us out here yeah that sounds good oh you meant today Lister character not an a-lister person doing them that’s what I thought I don’t think of myself in terms of a list right right but my God for you
per unit for you to hear that. That amazes me cuz is like that’s that’s a shame projection that only I’m capable of are you you heard that is I was like yeah this guy’s not good enough at improv for a amazing goals so I thought that you just said I wasn’t famous enough to get away with doing a bad impression well as if Brad Pitt were up here and he was doing terrible to feel like I said you’ll be like I don’t care it’s a fantastic impressions of the second banana character actors we needed like a like an A-list actor Benicio with in there we go again because I see Benicio and John has as a lister’s but I guess they’re not and finding out that they can’t carry the movie that was a joke like this isn’t going good is it
listen to hear they themselves are such honest artist I think that they would be able to admit that it wasn’t going well right where we need to add some Talent there are just not there it is. There are similarities about Jimmy Stewart as portrayed by Joe Anna Benicio play the star in the movie with Jimmy Stewart is a he’s just he’s just James Stewart write a busboy
and this is the scene where his manager notices have been easy was the older girls playing Shell Shell superstein Shell superstein agent
young adult Jimmy James Stewart’s to be manager
turn on all please. So you’re you’re like you’re clean dishes in them and I got and I and I caught your I caught your your Bible like Burt Reynolds did follow you back into playing a three-stage John Lithgow like what like you’re following me into the dish room like your style
and I played a real place I think every dishwasher now feels better but hearing it called dish room here we go oh boy check your connections application micropia I’ll flip you for real
well that’s part of my job kid to notice people that notice and then everybody else notices them to this one that’s how I make stars good notice people how would you like it how would you like it if I made that if I made that sweet little top hits of yours
the most famous tacos in there and in the whole world huh or ask me if I want my truck is to make ice cream
I mean I’m going to I’m going to refuse the call now but then I’m going to have an argument with my mother and a second and the next be no I talked to your mother for now on
well I’m only saying no now for the sake of story I’m not doing later later at the refusal of Adventure mom I have the craziest encounter last night oh no you didn’t you little poop
shrooms
hello hello hello hello yeah is X Guardian is X mother I am not his Guardian I am not his mother he’s
just pretend it’s dead just pretend your son is dad cuz he’s as good as dead to me
mr. Super teen
Benicio even heard that name in my life beautiful name of your hustle one of the best names I’ve ever heard if I could rename myself I rename myself Benicio Benicio Molina my last name superstein that’s for damn sure
Benicio del Toro and reduced me to see you all right
this is David. Selznick hello mister sells David say hello to the new Star what’s your name Jimmy James what you would call you no no no no no
Hey kid Hey kid he said that stepping into the hot tub with a young Jimmy Stewart
from now on I’m your mother I’m your mom from now on I’m going to make you something
because that’s what Hollywood is it’s the meaning with the Ghana scene
is the thing is the thing notice how I didn’t disagree with him right now that’s right David hotels and tells you that you’re he’s your mother is your mother anybody at this party tells you that they’re your mother tell your mother all right all right basically everyone who you’re going to know from now on
is your mother
da bom bom bom bom bom sevenbees needle drive but I can’t pay for the rights to but I can’t remember it in the seventies were the seven Boogie Nitro alright well. Yeah exactly you just awkward it’s not a bad
I really wanted my name really was a nice to know anyway
who’s that are you are you talking to me I just want to hear this is Francis Capra
I’m Frank Capra Capra I thought you said Cochran I got very I got very confused you know this is this is Frank camper the one and only I know you guys are going to do a lot of wonderful things together a lot of wonderful very lifelike James
I’m praying Kapoor you got to suck it you got you got to slap it right did you really just to lay it down there
commit fellatio
love the opportunity to do a very very very Progressive thing here in this
that was my Frank Capra test I don’t want somebody that wants to suck it to get a job I want somebody who has the Integrity to work in this town for the right reason this is what I was saying to you Frank I’m always in on this. And you always think that I’m I’m interrogating you you always pray that I was in on I was doing the thing that Frank what are you doing I’m doing. I’m doing the good cop that I know that’s right there this is no joke I’m sorry I’m wrong I’m so sorry
1932 why is he singing sense bringing merging. Two. Two
are we spending here what is this
what time does the central theme of many many things that the the the the screen that noted that you know one Showbiz always Showbiz it’s all one big wonderful soup take to use in any way we like It’s a Wonderful Life
anyway Betty Hutton I remember in her for a long time
I didn’t think anyone could do an impression of her I just thought you would all be intentional that Betty Hutton was standing over there on the other side so you don’t want to talk to Betty Hutton we’re not going to talk about it huh you don’t want to be Petty he had a brand new
call Betty I buy roller skates member that day
Jesus invented the roller skate key lady talking about I don’t know. Am I right
I thought I thought you don’t want your how you wanted him to keep his eye play bad cop even when it’s just you and me weird fetish where he don’t suck my dick.
it’s like Beyond like a gay guy that’s only attracted to straight guys like all the way into like
well you know what a Super Saiyan
I quit I quit you quit why I quit this business
you doing you give up that easy sick of all these head games you give up that easy to give up that easy it’s been decades and I just you know this
this whole method acting thing that you do with me and I’m tardy motion picture no you’re not no you’re not trying to alienate people including myself and I think it’s very sad in America that is a mythological America that never really existed I want to bring people together Superstar
that takes a lot of God
Jimmy sturr why why why is it that way why does it take a lot of guts
is that really doesn’t take God’s decision still what. Are we in again. You know what Frank hamper only the only one on this picture is playing games with my character that you know who else has
mother time
do not father time mother time that’s right I said it from my possibility anyway if you heard about this guy Adolf Hitler in Germany lately
I don’t like when people get political
okay yeah you’re right you’re right you’re a star you really are making a dick
a Super Saiyan can I play outside for a second yeah I’m having second thoughts about this guy I wish I was talking to dead in the background
no Mount Jimmy let me tell you something to eat
all right let me tell you something that you give me okay let me tell you something okay and I know I don’t like Politics as much as the next guy but this Hitler guy he’s bad news and I’ll tell you what I ran over here to talk to you while you were screaming I sprinted
I was a gold medal Sprinter when I was in high school anyway
I’m telling you right now this hill is a bad guy and no amount of pleasure that you receive is going to make you escaped from that the inevitable tragedy that this guy is going to wreak On The World At Large the nice people
I want to think about no genocides
welcome to the party mr. adults Hitler
apparently is Iranians
you know who is very influenced by the British Empire. Hello what are you doing
how are you I thought you were James to have no Nazis friendly act different person are you know who I thought you were I thought you were a real Flynn running wasn’t used to buy a picture of a Johnny take me to Hardee’s on this was kind of Hitler’s house
monster where’s the house you know enough of the British national anthem whenever you have his doorbell totally totally agree we are now in Germany and Jim Stewart is now very famous enormous fan of your family a very upset that
show me some career advice I don’t know if she’ll go back to tell Ruba Ruba Ruba nice to meet you can I
the human puzzle gerbils Rubik nice to meet you very nice to meet you my iPad
he thinks everything should be all the same yeah that’s right I pulled a superstar in a little bit aside and tell you that your friend seems a bit racist
it kind of got to hang up about the Mexicans, and I find that personally distasteful you’re not you know I just want
drag with the song I’m fucking with you
wait wait we like to have fun here if we’d like to have a good time
yeah a nice nice yeah I thought I’d end up
this is my job. I’m a big fan of neoclassical architecture
the death of Liberty Valance Valance what a great picture picture
when you enter the Liberty Valance what was it like working with the great John Wayne and I’ve always wanted to know and you know we like to play practical jokes on the cast and he didn’t tell you when you get there the trailers they have toilets in them but they tell you not to use them you know there’s no there’s no water in them there in case it is hooked up to a some punch I do I try to get him a bucket of water but then they wouldn’t budge
just talked to the dry plastic and you know I’ve been forewarned do you get that Honey Wagon that’s why they call him the Duke dumb
stupid stupid cuz he took my agent excuses crowd the most evil person who ever lived
I want to hear can I read I think of something g-wiz
is everywhere even though you even the cake is shaped like a
are we love him we love them that wonderful the deliciousness of fascism used in some Native American iconography very good very good anyway
so we are not so very different to me and you Jimmy Stewart no no no we can all agree on some Mission from my security team from the SD 23andMe it turns out that your name is actually super style
totally, totally cool he’s referring to a 19 23andMe which is unreliable it’s conducted through a can with a string
you can deny it but Mister Hitler that report it’s it’s it’s not true it’s not true I had a whole a whole thing with those people I was going to make the biopic on the
that that the Genesis of of 19 23 and me but it all fell through and they blame me for and so they’ve been trying to run around and I’m at you but I’m going to do my name is not superstein they made all that up my name is Gribble’s Rebecca and I I don’t like I don’t like anything that’s not white white white white white white OK Google what all white is alright anyway which was there were every person who was named Uber in Germany at this time they played real taxis and all that I don’t like Subaru’s I prefer z-lift
do a weird variety show schedule a Goofy Goober at left to get out of here we got to go back in America to tell everybody a meeting
we’re going to have a very proud of us that we met you that we got along so well to hang out with
because I’m here in Germany regular delete bags
the hell are you got to stop at where at where at like did you just mow I guess people start to wear t-shirts that have a Hitler on them smiling and he’s got to catch phrases that are fun to repeat and maybe how this started in real Germany started making fun of his hair and then you guys just came to mind
anytime we want we don’t want to be rude we wanted to show you you know you’re due respect and what time come on let’s go
how do you get your first class tickets thank you it’s me I owe you my life I was washing dishes now granted we took a bit of a teacher I don’t want to end up in Nazi Germany but of course not I really don’t even hear from not washing dishes go down in flames yet we somehow survived
chicken pox talking but moving and I don’t care what it’s filled with fill it with something lighter than air but I don’t care what just fill it with the first dinner gas burner gas
just saw it was a gas that the first one you find on the periodic table for god sakes he’s fucking krauts hey you have a cigarette
yeah sure here you go if you don’t get this car
7 will be very offensive
the first one
Jimmy Jimmy if your facing cocksucking is negative that’s the first mistake there
even more the reason you shouldn’t you shouldn’t use it in a negative way the positive thing I helped you get to where you can rear today all aboard
has mr. Gifford I’m a famous radio hits
address for the Hindenburg and wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up Jimmy wake up Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Michelle I had a horrible dream
I’m sorry to wake you sooner to stop get a massive hard-on so I thought it would have enough I didn’t think it was a nightmare anyway I’m sorry I didn’t ya so it was bad who’s bad the dream I was there
well why do you think I’d advise you on this camping trip why are you together Purple Heart
I’m going I’m going to go get us some firewood
all right we laid off but I got a little with you here
I hope there’s not going to be I hope it’s not going to be any alcohol to this party at as I T totally I don’t blink know they won’t be there won’t be just don’t don’t drink anything that you know why I don’t drink alcohol
because I am an angry drunk you’re an angry drunk for you not angry
no angry when these days and I got three logs
time to 3
but you have to subscribe to the podcast to know that
anywhere is a backpack with three logs in it
I said that should get us soon as night you and I
who’s Susan Knight on my head’s in a bit I’m always thinking of deals I thought for a second if maybe you guys were talking about some movie collaboration together and fire a real man a real American here or you never done it before. I’m doing it now it’s not working I have to say this is very good space work you’re doing all this
why am I here why am I here
why am I here hey I know I wouldn’t we need you here so pissed I’m Rubik like we all know who you have 555 I’m all right with it do you want to know my real name what’s your real name
so we can all be friends here in this tent we can all camp together we can all have a good day it’s just an agent from Hollywood and the famous to be active and end up in the potential dictator of Nazi Europe we can all just all this is why you’re still Chancellor this is why you’re so chances are stopping at 5 to Big O my God how do I put the fire on call John I hate to do this but do these books don’t get any ideas what to put out the fire why would you throw books on the fire to put a fire out as a really boring books anyway I thought I was on time
oh God
play what were you going to plug o
I see room for rent and and the check out camping everyone
thank you guys Spencer Crittenden
Zach on Towne and Nolan and church and Chris brought everybody here, Jeff Davis mayor Dan Harmon everyone
drive fast take chances
Zach you got to be part of me
thank you all