Episode
Episode: 312 – Live from the New York Comedy Festival 2018
Description
Harmontown is live from the New York Comedy Festival! Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis, Spencer Crittenden, Rob Schrab and Steve Levy.
Transcript
turn on gang how you doing
nice weather we’re having here
all right
are we rolling it we were courting Chris you up there all right everybody making everything go
I like this little sexy Mike is awesome all right
hell yeah
Community College fight back up front of Senator I’m in New York Comedy Festival harmontown is now in session
how about we introduce our game after this is French for Crittenden
hello, Spencer
you got a really adorable little desk there in my space
Dan Harmon
Windows lots of cars in this city are good to me
Georgia History George Washington once invaded
the river 3rd Street
Patrick Henry had a birthday here
Danny want to give us a little ear you’re known as kind of a New York like kind of a guy podcast and they talk about New York the living thriving New York that’s the listen to those guys I’m like be nice if they knew of thing or two about the city where can I get the best bats bats 1853 at right at the prime when Central Park was just a cattle ranch that’s when this fat was invented what happened is General MacArthur who used it was part of the sugar try to figure out a way to turn shoes into boots because a lot of people don’t understand this but the sodium street lights are highly combustible and so it was a sign of wealth if you were a singed
because 5th Avenue was basically a before it was a candy bar it was a fire hazard but it was where the wealthy lived and just so were less popular than shoes because how could you survive a sodium street light fire with your boots and tat so the wealthy likes to wear shoes
which which a lot of people don’t know this or wear a shoes were invented a burnt boot it’s a
do cashew doesn’t make any sense I got everything was a boot and then and then and then this thing happened with the Rockefellers you were who in that day you could see dancing at The Green Mile
over on 3rd and Crenshaw
you know there were only three boroughs back then and it went went with representing the two Gangs of New York and the and the first of the the the the unofficial mayor of New York at that time Butterfinger Butterfinger boss Todd and his famously corrupt mayor earlier than about why they call Wall Street Wall Street
it wasn’t the street because it’s where people are making money and you don’t want us treat their poor people follow street so you don’t want them to go where your money goes and then there was a sort of like a famous like squabble they threw a bunch of ticker tape into the harbor and I’m the rich people said what if it’s a wall and the street and Wall Street was born
just make it a street but we’ll call it Wall Street because it means if you’re here you’re not welcome
no go ahead you can take your trolley you can make your lightning bike
New York history I’m just I’m just full of it Chinese hot pot well I know a lot of people tell you never to go above a hundred and 3rd
but if you but but the truth is the Upper East is the new meat pack
and I will I will find myself right between 95 and 97 on the corner of AA and na
the best wontons in the Duplo
look we don’t have a lot of time we’re we’re ripping through this is that there’s a festival set for those of you listening at home you know this is you’re going to be like this podcast really impressive we’re just we’re just moving at a higher price per case because it’s a festival energy the we’re in a packed house here I think we’re at the
there’s not a single empty seat
don’t look it up I believe is 48000 a lot of you people could have been an Elton John tonight at Madison Square Garden but now they chose to be here and the fire department’s been turning people away
they can’t fit all that people in here
there was not to make light of awful awful current mass shootings are the mass shooting du jour but maybe a little bit what I think is is odd is getting on a plane to go from California to New York and feeling the state fair because Griffith Park’s on fire right now as we speak like my my house is about 2 maybe burn down yep we’ve been keeping eyes on that all day
it just feels nice to to come out to a nice quiet evening in New York man where they got under control where the stops are frisked
I’m not going to come to New York and like a bring out like that would be an easy thing I could do
Butterfinger boss Todd is here tonight but it would take time you know he’d be playing catch-up and all this stuff but I look I brought Rob schrab what spring come out
how does that feel did you bring it up gum for the rest of the class
what is the equation for the listeners were describing pictures
what is the little black plastic thing in front is that I can be at Dicks just popping out back here
photos are good podcasting
he really can’t
all right what is the Front plastic Section 8.
Glued to
why would you think that that’s a stupid thing turn it upside down
I’m looking at he’ll make me move to the next stool
you were saying damn I’m so sorry
this is kind of a rear show cuz usually with me when it is not the first time coming to New York we we take the show on the road we love going places but this is probably the first show that if if we talked about the flight out here it’s the only thing we’re ever going to talk about
you just don’t know what I got a lot of material on the way over here I’m going to give you some headlines we took a limo to LAX from Los Feliz and we got into one of these limos in the ice thing and there’s some glasses and and the end of my
get a guy to like more than we should have booze I don’t know what that is I think it’s called alcoholism of vodka can I get a bottle of fernet-branca which is that Hitler medicine that you came down with some Hitler Hitler
medicine
and and we’re just drinking in the traffic on the way to LAX and we’re having a good time and we were listening to Celine Dion there was a help you were playing The Little Mermaid soundtrack as loud as it could go you and Cody were screaming along a different song and lyrics I do all right I remember everything up until about do you remember be gone maybe another song maybe a different one where he had it coming and I don’t like play he had it coming to Cell Block Tango but we do with her for for many years and I can kind of start to see like an adorable
amount of Lake when did Gary Busey starts to come out like the let me just paint paint one one picture also Cody is dressed like a garage mechanic usually those things don’t don’t overlap but that’s in the middle of that pain diagram Chrome shoes dress like a mechanic and it’s everywhere and it’s like it starts with the first of all the songs to defiantly pretend you know the lyrics to
but we’re like so we roll up to LAX and I might not know this is the last thing I remember and this is like the forward of the story the stars of the story that emerge are going to be Jeff Davis and Cody Heller and Levy but I would call it a tale of two kinds of drunk I don’t know what happened I guess I feel like I drank a lot and got drunk circular rear Story by LAX police on a bench and ask him where are you going and his answer it will be Los Angeles
and they will say your in Los Angeles and he will where are you going and then after a while they’ll arrive at New York got me where are you going at it and I pause and I thought about it I don’t know
I thought I was coming home and because what happened to pair together I can tell you the subjective things I can tell you that I last saw Jeff and Cody we got split up into the TSA checkpoint lines I looked over these are my friends I’m having a great time I’m actually I thought I was going to be this self-destruct if you take a laptop on the back to dancer
can I look in your bag and damn goes what if I say no and I like how Jesus Christ I was like I was like I’m going okay I’m just going to fight the government and I end up being the Matthew Broderick in this story Anthony Michael Hall of this breakfast club and I’m I’m like going through that wine and then how do you somehow maybe it got activated by the back scatter machine like she’s the only person holding the strings is
God and God is not a good Puppeteer but I don’t want to derail us what that stuff that you’re serious about the lounge at where is Cody’s like for served in the limo and it must be hitting her and she’s like she’s she’s getting an unable to BMO tile and she’s she’s starting to like she’s just like making sounds that all you could register is that she’s defiant about something
but you didn’t buy it and then I’m like not I’m not a good person either it was like like like you get to do your impression of I am I said I’m looking around and I’m seeing a guy if I just dropped the ball in a fluorescent light Lounge at 6 p.m. like and then I see a guy across from her going like this maybe that guy in Pokemon’s but maybe he’s TMZ and I’m just like I don’t want to feel protective anyway chaos we get into the lounge ksksks my ticket though you’re in first class go ahead all right that’s great I you know I start walking I turn around enough in time to see Cody going to the woman across the counter to gone what up bitch
what up bitch and I’m like oh my God I just to give you an indication of how the that bitches response was in German it was like she was just there was absolutely no ways that she said she didn’t speak English because her response to what was what is happening I came here for the Gummy Bears and the Seattle needle my brain goes blank when do skills like I’m just not going to do it and I I turn away and then I turned back again in time for you to go catch you saying to the Swiss German woman look we don’t work here acting like we’re supposed to know this stuff and where
the people at the counter that is also sitting in the reading area okay well I was far away I didn’t see that bad so I’m glad we have this together again is like a boarding pass at this point right and she fell down a couple.
you’ll love Cody by the way she’s right we haven’t been to Get Him to the Greek if there’s like eight Russell Russell Brand and and and and athene I keep hearing is like can you try to I’m going to try to find Jeff and I just keep thinking that there’s Jeff where’s Jeff and then Jeff’s Jeff at one point cuz maybe I was there and that’s why I left and it was traffic has no you were going in the Star Wars crawl you were you were the silver C3PO
Jeff was in the GSA trip point line and then disappeared burned his body physically around enough that 40 Years of touring and landing at LAX and 8 quarts of fernet-branca
broke his Sim and he ended up just walking and he woke up on a bench and 3 hours later between between between getting out of the limo the next thing I remember is police tapping me on the shoulder I was sitting downstairs outside at arrivals and a cop is going sir your friends are looking for you because Steve Levy called the fuzz because here’s the thing I was never I was in New York when this was all happening I was already in New York in a hotel room
doesn’t like to travel with us
right
I put foam in love with sharp Corners LAX cops that I hate your friends and they moved your flight come with us because Steve is now boarding the flight that is leaving without Jeff and he’s like Spencer Jeff is missing can you call someone that only that I have nine text from Steve I had four or five checks from the Lyft driver that I called Chris I was going to go home
and she’s like I’m here where are you I’m upstairs with the fuck and I called the car thinking I was leaving the goddamn thing so the cops bring it back into Alaska Airlines and they go okay we have a flight for you you’re going to be in first class though there’s one seat available and the woman says and the cops are you going and I said Los Angeles your in Los Angeles where are you going
I don’t know
I agree that we all left the cops and the lady we all had a good laugh about it and I said like I’ve been through a lot and I’m very disoriented right now or against it I tore a lot every Friday night I lost my compass me about your driver from the from JFK I somehow managed to make it to our hotel with my bags and my all of my shake that you were going to come out on the carousel when you aren’t we were sorcerer but I just realized we’re committing a major podcast crime like all the True Crime shows that focus on the murderers and not enough on the victim’s I want to bring out Steve Levy because I’m leaving
because he was the only sober one and we were only able to eat all this together by asking him questions damn I’m so sorry this’ll just take a second can you play it through your mic I can dry
alright later
wasn’t this so much better serve a generic sound clip on the plane I get the car home I make it but meanwhile there’s a hole that the a story is still happening a board yeah the original flight cuz most of the story
but you’re unconscious answers about her
went into the black hole I think I roofied myself I don’t know what happened I got to tell you University of Miami
when I was there we won Playboy party school of the year and I had a lot of training being the only sober person at that school dealing with the most drunken people and I really got to use those tools last night that I sharpened it wrong because I was like you people who have not met but hello including Ruthie Aslan cousin Ruthie as I was a community editor and just don’t know what she was she was my right hand and a lot of amazing stuff I made in her cousins here shout out to her or I or I don’t know if it’s a new world
just shout out to cousins for being inherently by non-binary
heteronormative nephews and nieces better bread or where it’s at I don’t want this show to go by without people knowing that my girlfriend on the bridge to the what do they call it bridgie thing at Freddy’s made it I never thought you would do that far but start from
what do you mean you said she saw a baby stroller and said way too loud look at fucking beiges
I was standing Cody up against the wall and I was looking at Cody was like codes tell me tell me something and then she sees this baby it’s about 2 ft to a right to be like just an inch away from touching a tan in the mother just like Richard Dawson from The Cheeky she keeps welcoming people to her drunk of erasers like she when she got on the block are you looked over there were two incredibly handsome gay dudes who were like like like they were they were they were they were is
the reason I know they were gay is because if two straight guys that handsome we’re hanging out together they they vary but they were and they were they were they were they were big but they were they were clean-cut like who like straight edge kind of looking guys and that but just you actually strikingly chiseled and handsome and you keep in your head
but not when you’re America’s and my girlfriend after a drink who comes on the plane I said her down the seat and looked over at those guys are guys like
look at these guys are very handsome they’re very handsome
cuz we’re on Alaska Airlines
and they go know are you going to Alaska
and that how they dress in Alaska now are you skipping over part of that baby encounter a million trillion octopus after this wasn’t that much more important thing with a baby make
some of these things I’m like I just want I just want to be able to know how much I love my girlfriend and why they’re like I like that that even the the that the worst case scenario with my girlfriend is is is dark Bill Murray and her boobs are out a little bit and I don’t know what
good looking dudes okay right whatever and then like and I’m sitting like a like a roll or two behind and then so for the next hour I hear go to sleep go to sleep that’s me go to sleep go to sleep go to sleep go to sleep
go to sleep go to sleep go to sleep go to sleep like my dad after 8 Southern Comforts when I was 10 like I was just get the hair and I would go go to sleep I did nothing for 5 hours I pretended to look at my phone while I was like I was like you’re drunk to you don’t get mad just because I just go to sleep and wake up normal but she never did she just slowly got more charismatic you like it to be best friends with the flight attendants
did she dancing the loud going I don’t know what to do I’m weighing my options options you’re a piece of celery right now you’re a piece of celery I want to dump you in a dumpster you’re going to dump me why just like I want to die where a woman was just having a nice little nap outside on a bench
quit leaving to do something to mitigate that Glimpse he just gave these people of me talking to my girlfriend when she’s into PA
here’s my side of this even if we get through security Jeff is not know where he found I’m like well look Jeff One Thing by Jeff is every time we travel he always puts up from the group and I love the Penny Pincher and you guys go that’s wow that’s extra cool I can’t believe you read at Cormac McCarthy book in the fucking phone booth Cafe
our little our little Tori family is like logos with Jeff doesn’t know he did not make it through security and get them to the lounge so I get them to the lounge we had the altercation at the front desk where we couldn’t get in because you’ll have to boarding pass right after boarding pass which cardio to give to get us into the lounge Rob was already checked in, he was going to bitch she’s so
whatever lady just like she’s not going to make it on this they will not let her on the flight if she’s like this and then I’m like fuck okay well this changes my night entirely then we realize how bad the situation is dance it’s Cody down she’s stumbling she could barely stand up at this point she’s stumbling while sitting down and shoot shoot shoot she was in danger of missing the chair she had been sitting in for 10 minutes
this is really good day’s work by Ryan text me what’s the Wi-Fi what’s a Wi-Fi
I got to send an email what’s a Wi-Fi password is what the Wi-Fi password of the group I got to find Jeff there like you’re being ridiculous Jeff is fine no I got to find Jeff so I go down and look at every airport bar know Jeff to be found I called Spencer and like I know you’re just at the hotel I can’t find Spence I can’t find Jeff I might have to call you in a little bit to help me with this one I’ll let you know how things go Cody’s really blasted to we may not make it on this plate I don’t know what the hell’s going to happen and then I get back up to the lounge word she’s wearing her black glasses and she’s like
I thought there was probably a relationship 10 times I called Church she hadn’t heard from him and then the flight starts boarding and I’m like Rob you guys have to get on this flight I turn it down like boarding
yeah we have to make a decision and dance like to Cody Cody I love you I think the best thing for me to do is cancel that take you home because you’re not going to give me my
you got it you got it you know a lot of people could do that without any words
so
I eat he was real I can’t I can’t deal with it like they’re not going to let her look at her she can’t stand up I said I got it don’t worry about it. Don’t even get on the flight I don’t know I’ll figure it out I figure it out cuz I don’t know how you’re going to figure this out but okay I don’t want to cancel this shows hundreds of people it sucks I don’t want to go to New York without Cody Peterson tells her that he loves her about 12 times he kisses her and he goes I’m so sorry I’m leaving he’s going to figure this one out somehow and he goes and I I’ll get Cody I’m like codes if you and me Bros tonight we’re going to figure this out somehow where’s your boarding pass she’s like I don’t know I printed her a second boarding pass this point she lost this one
I was like okay Cody we’re getting on this way it’s boarding don’t even trip where I got to find Jeff she’s like yeah what Jeff where is that guy like are we going to make this flight what’s Jeff doing an end so I go and I talked to the lady at the front of Mike I need three flights on it like three season one XY she’s like there’s only one first-class seed for the next three flights to New York as like I don’t think I’m going to make it on this flight without losing one of my my team so I called cross a first world country to do a 90-minute show shouldn’t have a casualty ratio as high as a police action in the 70s in a third world country could you guys going to be up there there’s some casualties like I’m five of us are going to be
kjfk so I was like I had to make a decision like do I try to find Jeff or do I just try to get Cody on his way through one of the problems like you got to do your best at getting her on the flight just don’t have her say a word try to make her walk as best as she can
and you can do it you can get around this way I was I was rooting for you guys I’m going to get out of life so I was like codes we got to go board this way we’re going to be late she’s like all right let’s do it I’m really tired I got to pee I was like we got to just wait I got to wait till I get on the flight she’s like can I wear my glasses you better wear those glasses you look so fucking cool so I stand Cody up she staggers little bit I’m like here like hold my arm and so I lead her to the elevator we get in she’s very talky she’s like what’s happening are we going to make this flight where’s Jeff do these glasses make me look as cool as I think they do and and where and we’re walking to the gate
and we walk up to the guy and I’m like can we can we scan and he was like yeah I’m holding Cody boarding pass so that she doesn’t have to do anything she’s holding my arm very quietly she knows exactly what she’s doing to make a child she’s like playing this game I scanned as soon as we hit that the Lakebridge to the planes yours haha bumps the guy in front of us and they’re still lined up for the flight and she and I was like Cody you can’t don’t please don’t do that I still can’t get ahold of Jeff she pumps the guy again he’s like what’s wrong like I was and I leaned up against that wall she sees the baby she does nothing like a baby and the thing and then
look at this fucking baby hey baby it’s mitad you wish I was your mom
do you like it was like about a three-second between baby and me go and and this action but then I walked her on the flight was like no I don’t know what the hell where is Jeff I sent in my seat I’m calling everybody I call Spencer my car place to take off please can you call like TSA and see if they
because they have Jeff in a room somewhere while he’s doing that I’m calling the LAX police going have you guys seen my friend Jeff Davis they haven’t I go to the front of the plane I tell the woman one of my party isn’t here and she’s like well who is it they look it up and he’s up there like he didn’t check in and I was like that’s not possible computer morning Paz just like well they already lifted as they already gave his seat away and I was like okay well I don’t know they didn’t have them and we took off and you just said Jeff called me just as we are as the plane was moving is a levy
where are you where are you
where are you play the message can you play the message
oh no it’s it’s not embarrassing but Jack doesn’t like this take off work about to take off is I can’t hear you I can’t hear you it’s real loud out here and honking horns and cars driving by the last time you run complex who that is illegal to like where is Jeff and I like he’s on the street somewhere as what a honking in the background I was impressed I was at he’s the new Amelia Earhart and how did he get from a plane to a street
and it’s illegal so he calls me he keeps calling me can’t hear me can’t hear me I was like text me and then he calls you one last time I’m going to get on the next flight and then he called me again he left me this message while I was made flight and we got it when I landed let’s see how long
I’m on flight 1420 from LAX to New York JFK
all someone called Steve it fucked it up sorry everybody
let me know if I can get a car or otherwise I’ll get mail so and we were right so the question is what’s carrier you know the Kodi version where it’s like holy shit you had too much to drink your King Kong the government has meanwhile like a very frightening level of like he’s like Denzel Washington in Santa Rosa
packing a spot of bother
hear nothing I can’t handle baby
I fell asleep I just woke up I was sleep I want the address was I spaced out I spaced out and space out we’ve all been there when you spaced out and then wake up on the street corner the cop spoken you say what city are you in like rewind it was just like how many times you’ve said you spaced out to me
you spaced out sometimes we all specs I fell asleep from walking somewhere with sleep
if I got I went through security and I’d let you know what this seems like a bad flight to be on I don’t like the vibe but I was in flight and now we’re talkin to be good if you get sleepy while you’re walking you might be a space neck
alright a space fuck me for anticipating volume I should know better than that thank you for that valuable lesson we explain how we got here let’s start the show
yeah I hear some things like that Cody is doing when she’s not offering a baby her breast on a random flight introducing me to this high maintenance show its like New Yorkers I love that show I just wanted to know if ology it’s like like a lot of good shit the pitch doesn’t go is a what a clever idea it’s an invalid use a good drug dealer New York and like all of his car and it it kind of like weaves through the lives of his customers and stuff and then his life as well but it just really like different drugs I thought it was I never watched it I mean I don’t I don’t I didn’t see every episode there might be stories about how maybe he can hook you up with Molly I don’t know yet but
talk to somebody here at the Tribeca Performing Arts Center about buying this desk so I can bring it back to LA so Spencer, yeah
here’s a question that was asked in my hotel room but I think it’s been asking the podcast before must have been Cody that I asked it does Spencer’s Jake have a beard that really happens as a real question but I don’t think I don’t think she expected us to conversate
Johnny how everybody
the Vodka back no no go to sleep go to sleep next to you said Thank like I asked you at the end of the flight about having to sit next to a right and Cody was immediately befriending me flight attendants and talking to them and you could you could just hear her voice walking back to the plane and it looked at me in an account of like male bonding like or a fellow traveler kind of thing was like you need to deal with that the whole flight
but because of heated that I sent immediately because I know what he saw it was me getting on a plane in no man’s Sky laptop in my Xbox controller and like and then she saw everyone’s and get on the plane and plopped out of me like what’s going on and he probably never saw or heard any indication that we actually knew each other so he thought it was like Planes Trains and Automobiles
I think I nailed the whole thing like I stand by what I said in that fucking Bridge
killed it like people people were digging my vibe like I was it was fun it was energetic remember you don’t remember I don’t have that is true I got to tell you that we ever had later when we checked in the hotel
thank you then thank you
something else I don’t really care about that story but yes I did for real ask if your dick head of your
I guess I was wondering if yours yes I know
so that’s a tip for you out tonight go home and talk about me it was because I don’t know I don’t know it was because earlier I asked if your dick floats in the bathtub I wanted to know and Dan Dan said must be nice because
sing that yours wouldn’t float right do you say do you think do you think I have a micro penis penis for your players when we have that conversation and I get to be a toothpick I still want to know like I love it I love it so you know how much I loved it and took a shower and while you were in the shower I was saying you know wash that dick dick extra good cuz I’m going to suck on it later and then work on it for like I am looking forward to it this is usually a point of anxiety with previous lovers I’m looking forward to sex baby
but he said that his dick does float in the water yes yes no yes no float no no float okay that’s what I thought which is a clinical term for that like you know you can put a pencil under like some women don’t have those kind of just like little breast you know I have the kind of pendulous breasts that in the water to get extra buoyant and they float so I was wondering if men have the same kind of expensive and they do well yours does
you can send me to skydive with me like I was just more evidence the fact that this is a question for me what it means I have a really small dick because this wouldn’t be a question if everyone’s dick look like mine can you you would never I would never be like does it float what do you mean it’s a it’s a it’s a pepperoni in a turtleneck it’s a it’s a it’s an alien mandible that winning need when it’s agitated when it’s time to strike
an impressive Rick Baker effect happens it but not so impressive that I’ve been in the realm of these people who apparently not on top of the water it’s just being upwardly-mobile it’s moving up its trying to get there I picture your penis is so long now that you’re just like your fishing yeah yeah yeah you use bubble bath and I said no he said so you just looked at your dick and I got it
well so I could have been a lot so I can lift home rough year for meat means nothing but he’s privy to you know little Labyrinth saying I’ve been going through it all stuff and this all those relate because I kind of like she was at she said it’s over with all the stuff that you were you what it what are you doing this weekend I’m like I’m going to New York able to
do what I’ve done all my life again which I said my last episode which is just talk like a state feeling safe because of the venting of the shame and letting people know where I’m at and all the stuff and I started to get it was like it was because she made me understand that she’s like so
you’ve been selling for 44 years this product called I Don’t Care
and that’s been very comfortable for you and what you’re really upset about right now is that you care and you resent people for making you feel that way and you resent the ramifications of that all stuff and like hearing her kind of like in this way when I came around to it so my job is not whether or not I should keep doing this or not doing it or whatever it’s like vulnerability is a good thing yeah it’s a thing that I’ve been allergic to like when I went whenever I was on a playground and I would get beat up by the bully sometimes I’d fight back sometimes I take the punches so hard that the bully would start to freak out sometimes I just cry and piss my pants but but like like in any of those cases the only thing than actually fucked me up was when the well-intended person would come up
hi mango what are you doing what are you doing that to this guy and then the bully would go cuz he’s dirty and his hair is nappy and he smells like a fish and then and then it’s not that. What would I already knew that’s why I was getting the beating I was like enough I think that was some kind of the thing is when that person would come up behind again and then say to that bully go so what if he doesn’t come his hair so what if he smells like a fish that doesn’t make him a bad person you’re a mean person you’re the one beating people up you shouldn’t beat people up just because they smell like fish that would make me want to murder the guy sticking up for me and it would make me more importantly like want to get out of there
make me really really sad it was the thing that hurt about getting beaten up it was not the beating like a fetish sized getting beaten I fetishized the numbness fetishize the abuse I don’t just don’t ever ever fucking try to convince me that I’m vulnerable and because vulnerability means destruction but no it doesn’t that’s the thing that I recalibrated and so I just like the these relationships between shame vulnerability and existence and what our job is what bravery is on. I finally came out of that going okay so
vulnerability is good it’s actually good to tell people here’s what here’s what I’m a barrister about here’s what years what makes me feel bad here’s how you can actually hurt me here’s the amount of pain that I’m feeling those are two to share that stuff it’s a bad thing that let trauma push you back and cause you to start getting more and more practical that’s called PTSD it’s it’s it’s it’s like you experienced a random piece of chaos that makes you wonder what the fuck you’ve been your whole life and then your solution is to limit your experience to a little straw so that the distance between the cup in your mouth doesn’t have as much of an opportunity to be fucking violated again that’s that’s winning that’s that’s cycle of abuse that’s that’s that’s that’s the problem and it’s natural and it’s good but like I
finally figured it out like for this last year have been like, what am I doing what am I supposed to be doing talking about them actually helps Nazis lately then what what that sense of the night so then the way you fight Nazis as you pretend they’re not Nazis spiral of thought and all this shit is fucking like mentally ill people weaponized by 4chan trolls and people are doing their best to try to get me fired and all this shit all the experiences that I’ve gone through this last year the common theme has been well I know one thing for sure the worst thing you could ever do is go out there and talk about it because it’s been true that’s a true thing answered it completely fuk me up but now I got it I think I got it and I’m sharing this now because I’m pretty sure Jeff is probably pretty embarrassed
that he is such a 70s Family Feud drunkard that he that he could fall asleep on his feet and end up in the clutches of the police outside LAX but like I I know I want I want you supported in that vulnerability I don’t want you punished for it and I don’t I don’t I think if I were to enter your head I’d be like well don’t talk to you frankly about this stuff because then it when it comes down to whether or not you’re this or that and whether you should quit doing this or quit doing that than everyone else has all the power because they’re all weighing in on your life and all that shit but no that’s not true we can continue to be pathologically Unapologetic self exploratory narcissistic fucking sociopathic messes I said we have to double down now more than ever about what we find in our Naval every morning if you’re gay right now can I ask a favor
can you please be more gay
it in everything that you say and everything that you if they do if you’re if you’re if you’re a person of color can you in and then you happen to have a distaste for identity politics could you find a little bit of a love for it just to antagonize the kinds of people that want to get you to so that we can drop battle lines between those who want shame to grow on trees and those who want to overcome it because that battle will be won by the people who oppose shame and but but this battle that were fighting right now where it’s like who should be more well guess who’s going to win a shame shame experts Reggie Ron fuck you know I wasn’t sure if it happened and it and talking about it makes me want to
prove myself not do that again really bad it’s really shady extending that their hearing about me and I was like you can sound so cool live in jumpsuit that I remember I remember peeing and a sleeve might have brushed the top of the the water because you have to take off the whole thing and and sit down in your like naked on top you know when you pee and I definitely remember being like remembered not to let the sleeve go in the water and then I don’t remember
anything else about that
anyway but honestly you know I thought it was a win for most of us, I give you a so I mean you know I love you man I don’t remember anything that I can’t I do remember all the way
Drive you’re a real piece of shit though I didn’t do anything I just was like oh God
all right I see what else I didn’t help out with the red pouches are you glasses
glasses in it
oh I have I ever told you guys this
I’ve known Rob schrab for 70 years whatever it is 72 but he one of the many neurotypical things that he hates like Pictionary big words he has absolutely hates the Happy Birthday song and the crazy thing is it’s about to be his birthday and since we’re here at the Metropolitan Opera House
I thought we should we should make Rob kill himself my singing of happy birthday happy birthday to you happy birthday to you
is it raining today say about the TV thing with happy birthday that like it used to cost a lot of money so that’s why I’m like a lot of TV shows when they sing the Happy Birthday song it’s like a steak is like some restaurants happy happy birthday Dan do you want to sing Rock the half of it and then a character goes like I don’t understand what do you mean to you
because I’m a genius and
AAA said it was great it was a great episode but the crazy thing is that the Happy Birthday song and now it’s Kleenex now anyone can just eat whatever you want
but Mickey Mouse turns a hundred and seventy-five and it’s you know it’s time to re-examine America’s copyright loss that happened was like Mickey Mouse is about to become his old is Mark Twain novels like like like you you you’re about to be able to do whatever the fuck you want to Mickey Mouse of the tire at The Establishment was like well obviously we’re going to happen that’s not right
I think there’s a are and everyone reacted like yeah well what are you what are you going to do to be able to just use Mickey Mouse that’s not fair we all just rolled with it that be what kind of antifreeze would be like out front of a building going leg not letting me drop Mickey Mouse blowing The Little Mermaid
and selling it as a t-shirt like at Spencer’s Gifts not you all right let’s go back to that what’s what it what do you mean like what’s the beard part in your mind in your conception grow out your pubes like I don’t know that you would grow them out in a way that I do shave like the front of each ball 8 ball break it gives it gives each of them a little beard we got so my news comes through weird trickles I literally talk to people in the water cooler now the Girl Scouts are suing the Boy Scouts because the Boy Scouts are drop
the boy part and therefore becoming Scout oh shit and so the Girl Scouts are like fuck you
fucking horn in on Earth
you can’t transition and then just invite yourself to our slumber party and start talking about how dudes are full of shit like like like the Girl Scouts are that’s what I that’s what I heard is in the Church of Satan suing Netflix yeah yeah who’s accordance to Bab off of it as a person or a building be written I mean are you a Satanist or were you stupid is my is my final tidbit that I learned at a party from our Swedish friend these Swedish
show picture of Swede
are you are you picturing A diversity hire
is it just want to see that cuz I was amazed to find out from our Swedish friend that in Sweden there are now going to get a bunch I’m going to butcher some of this and some of you in a crowd this big are going to be like no I know what you’re talkin about I actually know what I’m tired of the try not to get too agitated by my like thing but the swedes are not OG switkes like they also liked that they moved into Sweden in there were people there that were already Swedish who got marginalized that are hanging out and they still live there and did any parallel you pronounce it but they look like a Old Navy Christmas elves from from they just they dressed very festive Lee and Midwestern
they raise reindeer and they live in tents and they like I can’t would you pull up a picture of them they’re just they also look like Abba but I guess their jaws are different or something it was two thousand years ago that the swedes showed up in Sweden and then these people then got pushed aside like you haven’t fuck that problem out yet
how much races can you have when both people are white and you takes you two thousand years to not fuck each other
and it made me feel good about America cuz I know we haven’t really we do just fucking jumped into the fucking dirt and we’re like what are you doing are we just like 5 million people banging gavels and going to look fucking railroad so I’m telling you these people are free but not you only if it’s a revolver 200 years we’ve been doing this it’s like nothing it’s a blink-of-an-eye a country this young should have fallen apart with this degree of everybody just like trusting up on each other when they’re allowed to Dixie when you talk to your European friends and their dirty little secrets come out in like you guys the thousand years ago like you haven’t these people yet
that’s why I know I just found it up lifting
they live they live in the
you have to like
understand everyone tonight I want you to take one message away from our show tonight I want you to go home and fuck a family tonight
I mean obviously consensually like that’s my point is everybody everybody not half of you fuck people and half of you say no thank you and stop doing that too
is that a date line Los Angeles is Bill Cosby first day of prison falls down the stairs
love dropping the mic on
sandwiches out of stale hot dog bun on his early the first so famous that basically you have us like he got a bun thrown out of the J after I’m in prison I’m going to have like whatever tattoo the strongest dude told me to get
I will have sang to anyone smaller than me that was I was told to shank you I will have benefited I Love You Phillip Morris story is that movie where Jim Carrey is the new guys on the it it just got the prison he goes well you know if they start beating you up always fight back or you can suck their dick you could you know like either wash the clothes for him or you can suck your dick sucked there’s a lot of homophobia in prison
okay that’s true podcast listeners
see if we can all do it next week I do what I do want to warn you I have a I have a I have a pet peeve about this I don’t like that our society thinks it is totally fucking kosher this idea that there’s like a oh you go to prison which is supposed to be a bad place and I’m not saying I’m not being a prude and saying let’s stop making jokes about it I think it’s fucked up that we all have this like understanding that all and then when you get in there it’s fucking horrible and like like in ways that make no sense and that weren’t ordered by a judge like you could get raped and you could like get murdered in me to it all depends on whether or not you just and we all just like go like yeah that’s what prison is like cuz it should be a bad place like these people fucking these are the only people you caught and that showed up to court
Edward made themselves available to handcuffs make a fucking life for them in but in the joint lately it’s probably this Alaska Airlines flight made me go legit
no leg room for 5 hours I was like I had when I was on my back my feet are on the ceiling I am pretty sure prisons always going to be a drag let’s stop accepting that it’s Escape from New York and that like oh where you’re going I heard Bubba’s going to fuck your but like I said I’m not saying the jokes aren’t we should make prison better or stop joking that it’s bad joke Joker smokes I’m saying we should we go if we’re going to have the largest prison population of the world we will ever change the way we look at it as other shit we’re like basically like a huge gigantic fucking part of the American Experience let’s define ourselves by how rehabilitative it is and how much It prepares you to be the next to Elon Musk
show people show the world going at this dude grand larceny didn’t have a chance like every time you get out when we’re going to douche bag got got got out of the joint invested in Tesla drunk and started his own story about this guy he’s just becoming a bigger twat there’s not all right like acting bad ass about searching my laptop to some TSA guy like this if you’re the wrong place at the wrong time you end up in prison people are going to say will Dan Harmon’s in prison in the well then you know probably going to get raped
and I might like that that feels like when you’re probably going to sign up for the right well okay or I don’t know what it would take for prison now that’s true we might be in like to cross the street and all of these guys live in the attic and they’re like come on fair’s fair we don’t want this prison you know they’re all owned by companies and we just opened a fucking prison and make it the best fucking presents that people like I’ll tell you a little tidbit I got in trouble
let’s open a hurry we can say we’re locked away everybody’s in the mood to follow me and some gimmick for the podcast but they really think I could start a cool person because when I was a kid I got I got caught smoking a cigarette in the parking lot at school and high school I was with three other girls the principal by his friends will walk down may I contact with me saw that I clearly was smoking but I had enough time for my friends so they put their cigarettes out and I took the fall for all them and like the I have to like call your parents if it is a big thing. Like I want to give you props like I saw what you did back there cool on you you know that there was an unspoken thing
like organized crime what happened since she felt you know I think it’s sympathetic toward me she she was like listen limited thing where it’s just lunchtime to tension and all of you guys are going to go cuz like I know you guys weren’t even allowed to be in the parking lot is like lunchtime to tension in this room right there by the end of the week people were fucking getting in trouble on purpose to be part of Lunch Bunch we want up having our own page in our yearbook was like no you have to do to get any lunch bunch of actually get into to get into trouble because the teacher Miss her throat was like he bought it and so then they were getting Jarrod
and there’s a dinner centers in Reno you at the whole side of society says you’re supposed to be defined by the treatment the experience has the lowest person right so like like like if you if someone were to propose prison reform ends ends I like when you go to prison actually you get kind of a fucking break like this nightmare for people who like fuck them I was like well then do you sound like you want to go to prison which it isn’t the same with gay marriage and drugs and I was I was always this debate between people who are like joints all the time
what the fuck what’s the stop me from smoking a joint
I’m not always the other person is going to do is like smoke a joint
or you’re worried that if you do you’re going to punch somebody or that you’re not going to do that you’re going to die or they are real worried that oh we’re going to if you drop in a shity neighborhood and you end up a sentence of a of a crime and then you like oh we’re worried that the slippery slope is that everyone’s going to want to go to prison what if you pushed that gas pedal down and were like yeah make a society where everyone wants to go to prison figure it out create that Society I think you’re going to have accidentally created a proper fixes itself because you’re going to be like well then why is it prison and then you’re going to be like yeah I know I don’t know you don’t know what I’m talking about ruined everything I was being so clear they were they were silent because I was being clear you ruined it that’s the way
choose to remember this which I will not in 10 minutes
I’m sorry I ruined the show with my Punta vacations about Society but I feel like my head there’s like a definition like the podcast has to be used to make 30% somehow education or something it was good
Friday that was like Public Access programming was born of that their Monopoly over television cable company but you have to let poor people use cameras
okay so we’re we’re at the end of our Festival run we are
thank you so much for the New York Comedy Festival for having us at very sad about the show being overworked and I noticed finally yeah I know I was
Cody because Cody Sol bon vivant with her fucking beanie and her fucking like I’ll show my titty to a baby I don’t give a shit women we love you one woman I love you I love all of you guys love all you guys have fun time for me my first time coming on the podcast three years and the flippers time and the whole reason I never come on it’s cuz I’m there there’s really mean people on Reddit and like they say really mean things one one guy I lay there was a whole thread about like I put a lot of nude pictures of a my Instagram and ask I like trying to talk shit and he’s like I don’t even get why she would do that she’s just a fleshy pyramid with a face on top so guess what I did I fucking took back the night now I take even more new pictures and I thought can hashtag bless you for a minute with Joey face on top and now
embracing the same prison reform all right
but I don’t know but you’re happier than I am and I’m happier cuz I’m with you because you when you look at me when I get naked another the foot of the bed and go lay the flamingo holyshit I’m going to place of no judgment and no shame it’s like and then it’s like it’s like you go like oh go like that and I’m going to Instagram on my okay whatever I have two codes so when when Dan was in the bathroom and you were you were like in the other room and saying watch that dick cuz I’m going to suck it later where you in the outfit with sunglasses want that dick so I can scan a mechanic.
Danielle watch that dick cuz I am glad that your dick doesn’t float I think that’s I think that makes you special when I if I sync about
if I was going to perform oral pleasures
on a gentleman Palacio I would like to start with a little like salted nut like fucking like a little a little like right above the knuckle and I have the pleasure of the fucken Happy New Year
it would make me feel more masculine and like I like that it’s like big big every and so does every Cracker Jack prize like rose it like it’s a dinosaur you drop it in the water and you have the phrase growing out of shower but thank you
thank you so much New York Comedy Festival take it right back I’ll take in New York City
throb
GTA V cheat codes Cody Heller
you got to love it or leave it and see if leaving the guy that got us off here safe and sound and your mayor is Dan Harmon
thank you thank you
thank you all New York I love you so much we live in her drive fast and take chances
very good thank you for coming thank you very much