Episode 344: God Bless, But God Damn

Episode

Episode 344: God Bless, But God Damn

Description

Harmontown finally gets down to business in a Jeff-less Episode. Brandon Johnson comptrols as we do the important, and timely, work of tearing down Billy Joel. Plus a dive into Dan’s deep past unearths a hyper-detailed account of open mics as they existed in a pre-karaoke America…

Transcript

do you know where
All County departments
oh yeah yeah yeah yeah
for the folks at home what’s an episiotomy
I mean I don’t know what is the world record for how gross it was like right now right at the gross line like coming out of the starting block my first step was gross yeah but you know the deal in order to Freestyle why you got to be brave episiotomy was a brave jumping off now you know what I do I’m torn now okay like I’m alone sometime like but maybe not so much self self reflection could I watch my first AOC Instagram live or have you seen her do her Instagram streams I haven’t I have followed AOC she apparently just think I watched it was like genuinely inspiring like from an attitudinal standpoint as from a performative standpoint really doesn’t matter what your politics are like up for a politician to be like I’m going to make a chicken dinner and talk shop and it wasn’t like it was at least she wasn’t like spending the whole time
I’m sorry it was that racist do I want to know is what you do and you better believe she has more trolls than watching is like everyone’s taking the hottest pot shots of her sorry I hit I hit you with a piece of popcorn she wouldn’t say that she’d be like I got to get a new bowl for my chicken like she was just like an s that that’s how collective bargaining to work for healthcare you know what I need a mixing bowl and and and she just had this like kind of come home I was like I was watching it I’m like fucking around she really does need that mixing bowl is not if there’s like 11 handlers off camera going like no no no no
Nockamixon pool you know like a sheet of a million reasons to tailspin but she’s genuinely making like a family dinner I just dropped her phone up and she’s like okay what’s the next question ended is a million dudes gone like a job and she’s just like I need a mixing bowl into don’t want to know that you’re I mean what what if we Associated politics with throughout history what is the problem with it it’s always that other kinds of people that have Spire to exactly the kind of people you do want to give that job to because your pieces of shit and maybe she’s maybe she’s a piece of shit we don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t know much about her but I’ll tell you what she knows how to fucking Instagram live
tell you she’s got that on me I was like man I’m inspired she’s like like like like the Joan of Arc of Instagram live in my Instagram live feed what would AOC do right now and I just think get a mixing bowl like I just try to get the fake laugh so yeah I got to do that Beast is it really that needed no no I’m not I’m not great I’m fine it’s good mixed signals yeah that’s me baby needing a mixing bowl I was going to go there yeah yeah how do you think they got as such
why don’t you go there on go there on one of them I might on them on my feelings or my signal one bad thing one good thing one bad thing I hate myself okay alright we’re going to have to skip the next question I lied a good thing I don’t know man let’s see
it’s not so mixed how’s it going with your popcorn flight that flew off earlier what are you writing down oh no popcorn
it’s the opposite already it’s fine and can only ever be supportive like if you’re writing it’s like it could go either way
baby look like post Malone I don’t want any Wednesday
how many tips there’s a real old style dirigeable go into the Santa Barbara University the next thing you know old Jed’s a millionaire
I was talking I was talking I was I was realizing recently I have some deep-seeded issues with my parents that I’ve been exploring therapist says I should get a haircut about your therapist told ya
for those of you who are new to the podcast oh yeah so happening no I didn’t see him for a month or longer because he had some stuff I have some stuff you know he had a rope he had to climb or say he went to therapy convention
you don’t want that I don’t see a therapist to get to venting I always felt like I was when I was going to a chiropractor I was always like and he would go like oh I can’t do next week at the regular time I’m going to a Convention of a great great you’re going to be going to go to 9 to 7 hours about how to fucking tell me that my foot limpness has to do with whether I should eat Cheetos is fucking car but you’re going to like start making me fill out a news your tax forms that you got for free from some fucking dude and Hall h with his other hand or something but did your therapist come come back with a different attitude yeah it was like your hair is great or something and then he’d go to a seminar to be like stopped customer just cut their hair cool yeah
she says subscribe to that simulation theory of the world which religious beliefs I don’t want a therapist to have but it’s all a simulation is probably like it’s got to be one of the worst it just seems really fucked up to me do you know what you going to do a cheat code
just getting to hacking
but no I said I don’t know about my social life a lot which I think is because the first time I came in I was like really depressed about a girl and I was just bummed out and I was bummed me out and that’s one of the reasons why I started seeing a therapist and so since then he’s been asking me about my social life but I always take that is like a transition into talking about my hair I don’t think it’s a good use of therapy you know by the way there’s no guest tonight
and we were all the guests I know you questions like we was a real person when he asked you about your social life is he what is he saying is he asking where Hugo is he trying to fucking hang out what what what is he trying to hang I think that I think he’s just wanting to know like what I’m doing like because I think that have any friends that’s what your therapist is like a bad guy from an ATM do you have any friends where to get a haircut yeah man maybe you have more fun if you cut your fucking hairbro here at the office or more is a shared but then also like which I have started doing because I have a pool nails and now I just shower more and I have a book a better shower have like one of those showers were you just like
there’s less difference between the shower and the bathroom so just feels more like you know you start being instead of like I can shower heads.
This is like a big booth and you just stand behind the shower head mix cold as you want you fucking shit fuck okay I’ll talk to you when you’re hot and I’m like you’re too hot I’ll talk to you when you’re bucking the temperature of my mom’s womb
too soon too late too soon and then I’m just saw that all the time big deal like I always knew it was bulshit so now I found the cleanest nerd in the world I guess I’m your worst nightmare was going to be going to be the president now I’m So Clean smell my dick you can eat off my armpit you can make a wrap sandwich in my armpit I’m so cool so cool
but when you said rap and another thing is my therapist at the end of the sessions she now goes so what do you want to do next week 2 weeks
I suspect like she’s kind of like you’re done
lately lately why you coming every week you’re boring
did we get it you’re rich you’re happy a good like like what are you what are you just come here and if I can talk about some dude that got on your nerves in the free last paid a buck off you fat jerk okay but again I think that’s awesome to graduate right now but yeah I’m like no mama I need to come back every week I’m moving I got all kinds of problems what if somebody doesn’t spark Joy
and that’s through my shift like I still have shit that baby I haven’t told you yet yeah yeah exactly at the end of a season of Law & Order just like throwing up
write Jerry Orbach Scott problem I just want to turn to her and be like okay so now here’s the real me for years and say thank you so much yeah I think I’ll do two weeks from now by the way I have always
terrible therapist
you did not pick up my exercise
I want a service react to at which means that I don’t know who you are so they’ll be like finding a finding out the do your doctor’s stethoscope didn’t work
I’ve been Bridges the whole time love I’m not qualified to check your prostate the entire time alright Uber
updated its app and the Reckoning is upon us there is now you when you order a ride a thing comes up and it says something. It said it said it says like okay and what’s your conversation preference you can you can say I want I want a quiet or I want to chat e yeah it’s it illegal to settings really got to keep it quiet or I don’t mind I don’t mind to chat something like that which one are you quiet but then it is and I always wanted that I’ve always said I think a lot of people avoid said by the way could you add a fucking button you get up. I was going to say I had a button that says just to let you know before you even accept the fair I’m not I don’t want to make a friend tonight I want to hear about your podcast I don’t want to fucking like I don’t want you to question my fucking left turns and right turns I don’t want you to
I can imagine for the ladies maybe there’s a whole thing there is I don’t fucking talk to me now there’s a button there but now I’m filled with anxiety cuz I hit that button and then I keep thinking one of these days I’m going to hit a wall maybe I’ll have like just take an adderal an hour earlier and I’m like I’m just going to my mood and I’m like you know what
having a little chitty chat and like like the tyranny of that now for the for a driver who’d normally but yeah the Jason Statham transporter out there was like oh you don’t bug me I don’t want to punish somebody the other legally go for somebody to like be driving like the weather or to be stuck with the Sinbad of Uber drivers who’s like all my La Cienega jokes I don’t want to be in the car with that dude yeah they could have just been like a normal or just give me a fucking minute you know instead of like you got to be talking man
you better yes and Me dolls that cuz it’s not I don’t know who this requesting chattiness it just seems like you know it’s like today my mom died I don’t want to talk to anybody that didn’t happen to me but it’s like that’s the circumstance no one’s like how am I feeling like cordial with a weird thing is the air one cuz it’s like chat preferences and there’s probably like music preferences and there are preferences and the choices are hot
choosing hot warm cool cold and no preference but that’s weird because it makes you at forces by someone who ordinarily your default choice would be like we’ll wait a minute I want you to be accountable to the livability of the temperature of your ray of your of your cabin but that the only choice for a person that feels that way is no preference which is it it’s a weird thing to say about your the temperature of a car you’re going to do no preference well I do have a preference I hope it’s not cold I also hope it’s not hot there is no selection in other words that just says
room temperature it’s no preference which to me like undecided on the chin bone of temperature give me what you got I’m adorable I just wanted you to feel things out like how how will I know if I’m not exposed to all the elements and then they might feel like blast you with this boy what a shity episode this is
I mean that’s really I think that’s all I got and I honestly I don’t even I don’t know what we’re going to do Facebook could get in your car and be like I’m hot and I told you to shut up this my checklist it says quiet preferred button over an AOC chicken dinner that’s my that’s my other my notes
I want one where freestyling now alright know that good we don’t need no fucking now. How are you how was your clothes
God damn it they’re lovely
what you do this weekend
I forced myself to go to my old house and grab some stuff that I felt like was worth bringing over to my new house I’m like living in a big empty house Cody and I are like living in this unfurnished house sleeping on a mattress on the floor and it’s kind of
like we keep joking like oh maybe we maybe maybe this is a new lifestyle like no furniture There is a decorator that the will eventually be Furnishing the place but in the meantime we’re kind of like what are we supposed to eat usually when you move your you got a couch at your old place you’re going to bring it to your new place because number one usually your old place is not going to stay your place and you all also don’t want to buy a new couch so I don’t think I have to explain this to you guys
wet but I have to explain it to you because you have to understand it’s not the case with me like I’m keeping my old house and I don’t want any of the furniture in it at my new place because number one I’m probably going to rent my old house so I’m not going to I may not rent it unfurnished cuz you don’t rent a house with no furniture I don’t think you can do both it could do both I lived in a rented house once there was unfurnished cuz it was like oh I’m going to rent this place yearly so there is that but then there’s also the more like they kind of like a scale like hey this is this place is ready to go Leo DiCaprio’s nephew who’s in town for a year and it has money to burn and just like I don’t know if there’s a market for that great in that market may depend on oh just keep the furniture that’s in the air at any rate I’m not going to throw the furniture in the garbage but I’m not going to move to the new place and I’m not going to
just filled with shit and we were talking about this last night
like it’s like you start to realize usually it’s forced upon you because your your mood you’re got to get out of your old place so that shit’s you got to go through that shit anyway but if you don’t have to go through it if it’s sitting there your kind of like you just start to realize your whole life represents decisions that you delayed that’s what your house is full of is shit that you put off thinking about that’s what’s on every shelf is like piles of paper that like may or may not be valuable they weren’t so obviously garbage that it was joyful to throw them away but they also definitely aren’t like old man Withers special paper that he gave me to get close to my heart and it’s like you’re now like forced to I got to either throw this shit out or I got to bring it I got to act like I’m proud of it
I don’t want to do either and it kind of makes me like wake up in an unfurnished house every morning and go what should I do today at the say on the weekend is like there could be a million answers to that if you’re just in the bustle of moving like you wake up when you go shitt I don’t have anything here and you got one I got a bunch of the old house should I go grab that computer and I computer sucks like you’re probably going to get a new computer you know what that old ass computer over here and then you go am I really going to spend $30,000 on a new fucking Mac Pro or am I going to go PC or am I going to go to lake lake because I don’t want to think about that and then I’m like okay fuck computers and then you’re like what’s left shirts
should I bring 11,000 Rick and Morty shirts over here that I don’t wear cuz I don’t want people to see me in public and think that’s so sad he wants us to ask about the show
so I don’t like I got but I’m not throwing those away what am I doing with those shirts made her some flowers and Rick and Morty shirts what am I I don’t want to be responsible for a bunch of homeless people going to be the new Britney Spears where all the homeless people are wearing Rick and Morty shirts
the Creator gave me this man at the Goodwill in like I could actually undercut my own cottage industry by doing that if you should ever become homeless and then I end up wearing a Rick and Morty shirt give it to you gave it to me maybe you can have an estate sale and have people come over by the ship luggage away and wander the premises in your boxer shorts crying about how this was your dad’s house
I think you’re onto something they’re burning
so I can pretend I died and that I’m My Own uncle or something like that
you can be like I do want to hear Marvin Gaye’s dad
I shot my son would you like his best friend
I got to make bail
what are prices for low prices are so low because I got to make bail by the way if you’re listening in your part of the Marvin Gaye family I’m sorry so sorry that’s right
joke about anything like everybody for me to Counting now they’re counting that Blurred Lines money does Marvin Gaye family doing well I don’t know what the Marvin Gaye family is doing but you know what have they done he was Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell it was motown’s a staple in his father been abusive to his mom sure if I want some hard times had to move back in with her parents was like you can’t keep talking to Mom like that that’s fucking break then was like laying down sleep and his dad came in it was like
I’m sure Adam Yancy family is the worst right right opinion but what a shity dad yeah you know, I don’t want to I don’t want to play The Devil’s Advocate here but you can’t have people telling you not to do that supposed to do listen to them you’re a product of the Twisted relationship between me and your mother how dare you that’s why I was like saying I’m doing something wrong hell yeah. I wonder what the statistics are is there a word for is there a side you know cidex for you know we have patricide
matricide we have infanticide is there a is there a side effects for killing your offspring
yeah okay I’m going to come out there
explain
you have a 20 questions do you know
the word
you’re just you’re just boating conference in the English language you’re like your look I know the lady English is got it
different diameter our audiences just I mean you got to make your own fun in this episode I agree I don’t rush anything I am on your side it’s the same perfect when you get home
I looked outside
fili side filicide
episode
it’s also possible could be both right like a minute
and that was a mistake aside
so hack
what is it speaking of language evolving never use an emoji but I will constantly use animated gifts like like what is that about me do you use emoticons or have you know I won’t use emoticons when I was growing up that emoticons were the beginning of it was like people using colon and a and a parenthesis to indicate a smile or frown we were like the the the the purists Among Us for like that was like how dare you like if you can’t communicate your States or your position or whether I should take you seriously without like reverting to the eighth like behavior that chased us here to this Haven like why are you bringing that here it was like people would do a ski roses
chat rooms you know here’s a Rose Classic why do why do emoticons when you can do an emoji and I can’t I won’t touch it I won’t do it I also won’t type LOL LOL only type haha I don’t understand what my definition of of those boundaries are and I especially don’t understand why I think animated gifs are the fucking greatest thing since sliced bread I think that’s amazing that I don’t care how accurate is whether it’s ironic or sincere like I’ll just throw you an image of Jim Carrey going I I I like you I like you you like whatever I like I don’t I don’t I don’t suffer a moment of indecision about it I don’t think I’m sitting out like 50 Cent like like fucking smiling and then driving
play in the birds in the back seat I don’t I love it all
movies that you can throw at somebody and why is that why is that meet mine definition of classy or like what ship what is it the chance of sarcasm like never before
I don’t know I did like like Isaiah is it is it because if you if you send an emoji what you’re doing is is your is it is about inductive vs. deductive like I kind of like the shape of the telescope like you’re looking through which and like it if I send Oprah if you say something to me and I sent you an image of Oprah going like it’s more up to you what that means and that therefore I am like I’m not I’m kind of like being more creative by choosing that Oprah picture I think that memes are gifts are basically just meme so it’s essentially like responding with like a can joke like that’s what she said you know it’s like you’re being clever using cultural context crudely depicting certain Concepts using images instead of words when you could easily use word so it’s essentially language where is a gif is more of like a it’s a
it’s more of like a joke or something of matter of I mean I appreciate you saying that but you probably know that that’s totally a subjective thing than that any hope for these kids would be like that’s exactly what I do when I send an eggplant Emoji or a or even a smiling Emoji using those characters like they’re they’re creating a language symbols they’re essentially new letters but you know that’s like creating their own meaning and so you could like do the Jackoff thing and that’s maybe a step removed but that’s different than like the sweating in the hand which or just letters you know where is they think you’re communicating the full idea when you share a marag if it’s like again more like a joke and credible elections of gifs and memes so if you’re like if your if your petty like myself and you’re online and your your flaming you’re going back and forth to somebody if they have like
just a fucking Pokemon ball sides or collection on play Pokemon cuz I met girls that sit with a flap and 1/2 balled up fist and I respect you all for that but some people have like an arsenal of just like images to throw at you and the end also okay so maybe this is what ski about it is that with the Emoji library that you’re choosing from you’re not choosing from a circulated cabin are there is a cultural tint to an animated gif Library even if at cuz I’m not going to lie I don’t I don’t care if I can fold her of awesome gifts and make them and stuff but people do and because people do it’s kind of a little closer to sending a piece
wall graffiti that because there’s a culture out there of people who are continuously updating and circulating images pulling up from TV shows and things and if you’re drawing from that pile you’re at least drawing from something more vibrant than the idea of Pepsi saying to you here’s the hundred and nine images to choose from this fiscal quarter here’s how who’s how you say I’m going swimming it’s a drawing of a guy going swimming but over here it’s like like here’s the latest in in what word spells is where it’s like people can use GIFs to be just as banal and horrendously I’m forcing of like horrible toxic culture like Megan Ganz was like like like reaching out to me on Twitter and going like you hurt me or whatever and like this the people that were like all the popcorn gift of people eating popcorn and then people going like your growth
this is a gross time for that what the fuck what I am eating popcorn the same sickening thing that emojis do it reduces us to keys on a keyboard and but the healthy idea of it is what did you just say and then you can type words into the little giphy ingenuitive still like okay here’s Steve Carell like getting to Pine his face or something like that like you have to pick it yourself which means you have to like know it exists like these days you can search for like keywords or whatever and get one but like it’s an artistic decision to pick one that you think fits best and that’s also very much like meming where it’s like there’s a bunch of different things that are kind of this basic joke but you picked this one because it’s the most applicable I went there

covered that 50 Cent like or whatever and then I like and then Cody and I discovered that and then we have a relationship with that gift sending $0.50 to each other like driving you can look up the origin of it and like all the people add like burnt in the backseat as he’s driving away and stuff down yeah but I don’t think she has that I think you can kind of get there but it’s just at the end of the day it’s just like this means man this means and this means dollar bills you know this means I’m talking to you like this it’s like it’s like I just makes me so fucking mad that it it it it it’s it’s like taking the LOL phenomena which is like like like like people just type LOL or r o f l or l l m a
it’s just it’s just such a nervous twitch that everyone wants everyone to know they’re laughing at them condescendingly it’s so fucking toxic I fucking hate it like like if you’re going to condescend to someone you should know how to condescend not tell them you’re condescending fucking horseshit that you can raise a flag while you’re talkin going by the way I’m condescending to you know you’re not allowed to you don’t have the words yeah it it does kind of feel like LOL would be like executed like lol it’s your talk about by the way I’m down for smart right in from Seattle.
put that down
that would be cool about to make that you could really you had to be a genuinely condescending person they would have had to be in your fucking veins you couldn’t just like go get your mail and be like I wish I was one of those condescending types and then and then just be like all these letters and then going to send it again like you’re not no you’re not you’re not sending at all you’re sending anything but maybe like a termite that eating your garage if you could be like I’m going to get you
llm LMAO I mean is that the fucking status quo Express to Guttenberg when he printed Police Academy when when Martin Luther was like I have a dream that Bible should be in German instead of Latin
I think I don’t know if he’s hilarious historical mix them up sir
I don’t know there are not Landing cuz you don’t get them you’re just sort of like why are you doing that
what are these is like fractured flickers okay what what are you doing at the words up so I know it’s a flip the first word of two words with the first letter and then you have to care about that night I saw a guy saw a dude in Milwaukee is like an old-timer and he did a whole stand-up act so do you guys know where spoonerisms are and the air like went there on a dare to each other like we’re going to do the Def Jam open mic and we both went awesome and at the time it was like it was like a new concept of Def Jam
that was like yeah I just played my whiteness and like the the Milwaukee black car was like totally respectful and supportive cuz I was like I was totally cheap then was like looking me on the white guy but that there was like there was like that I remember there was an old guy that came out was like just he had no it was like he didn’t know from there she’s like Jeff Jam I don’t it doesn’t he just came out did this crazy like Catskills act and he was like I heard of spoonerisms and the enemy know what is happening and he was like I have a spoonerism story and then he told the story of Cinderella and her stepsisters whatever if I can’t do it like he just went through the Cinderella but like mixing the Letters Out to Cinderfella how did it go over it was so weird
I was just seeing if people weren’t heckling because it’s Milwaukee and they were like they were polite and like it was like we’re working class crowd that was just like who’s the old dude like why is he doing that so what is he doing I don’t understand what happened it was you having a stroke like what what why is he doing this like what what is is Spinderella going to eat some pussy like what are we doing here why are we here yeah I think they were waiting they were there like I don’t want to be like a setup like in the middle he goes like I then he ate some pussy and does a backflip and leg starts playing the violin with his balls and like everyone’s like see I was on his side for the beginning
but he just finished up and it was like and then he got in a hearse and drove into a pit
the weird thing is weird never was Milwaukee so you think you know everybody and then just kind of came out of nowhere I think it might have been a ghost yeah you go to his agent and go hey what was with that guy did you put them in the wrong room that guy died 30 years ago
if you listen closely you can still hear his act in all black rooms is not the response you want from the audience I’m just still stuck on this Fender Cella because I realized that the reason it’s Fender Sela is because you have to put the app in there otherwise there’s nothing to Spooner eyes because it would just be endorse LOL which is just nothing like that spoon arising with a non present letter I don’t know what to do with the old
what was wrong with the old Cube it was small okay
I don’t like the reaction that got it made me feel insecure titillated people because they were watching my kid they were watching me the whole time they’re like he’s like a dumb monkey
how and what what have you managed to get to the new place and why like what did you mean that you were like I got to stop fucking around I need knives that particular club name but it had the Def Jam night and then it also would have like a regular comedy night like I don’t know but like it was a different one please come and I remember there was this magician and AD stand up back and this magician who just like he was one of two magicians in Milwaukee and he was a constant Presence at every every open Mike and he said he’s like then I’m glad you’re here sitting back right in the middle in the middle and it was like there’s an empty house and I sat and back and then he’s like he played those likes
and the Banshees song as I find out
and he made this handkerchief dance and go in a aquarium and then it came out of the aquarium and in any he finished he did the whole I was like really entertained by it cuz it’s like he is the energy put into this guy like pulling these strings with his hands on his glitter tattoos rings and he’s like making this handkerchief dances like that’s impressive in the end it was like I was like yeah it’s really cool it’s cool to take it a lot of work and it was like I was like I didn’t mean to cuz I didn’t realize I didn’t know that you weren’t supposed to see the strings like we could meet there was a reason why he’s making me sit somewhere I just I just watched this like that school like the onion rings or whatever
keep fucking I’ve never seen a human being like like
because he did ask me to sit with that person won’t see them or was it like that’s the one chair left so I take it he had had he been there all night and it said he’s had like his girlfriends and every chair
I just accidentally triggered a fucking meltdown that’s leaves everywhere was like like that’s fun though it’s fine I don’t have to believe that there’s an angel helping you like ghosts you literally were like are those bunnies going to be safe in that box
not trying to be a dick I fell in love with the actual ballet of the whole situation even more people were supposed to see that for like people that the stakes were high before karaoke wiped us all out the friend of mine and everybody smoked back then and like I’ve told this story before it was just like like like scenes from the class struggle in open mic comedy in Milwaukee in 1989 like there was a comic who thought he was a magician sorry if that’s the whole point of the story never the twain shall meet somebody had broken into the safehouse in Milwaukee and place like there was the door that you could just kick in from the sidewalk
sounds like such an oxymoron
she won’t take your business to Chicago but it was just started like it was like this spy-themed bar that a secret entrance and it had an open-mic where you were you would perform for like up to five Australian businessman who are sleeping off a red-eye you would just like to practice dying in this place and one of the magician’s stored their stuff got somebody somebody kicked in a door and the closest thing to the door was like a trunk full of magic and they took it and I came to the open mic night that night and wasn’t that good at that magician was just like crying it was like like
people took all my shit was fucking on its like $5,000 worth of my friend and Mentor like a young, but still way older than me cuz I was like 17 in like Channel light dangling from his lips and he’s like you can still smoke indoors and he was like oh no that’s a freaking bummer is a bummer man I’ve memorized that he could the guy goes running off till like fret and like talk to the police or file his report about his magic front and you just turns me on like that’s what you get for being a fucking prop comic
I was just said with no humor nothing it was just like a fucking Hispanic race war between the fucking jet like a thing puppets props all that shit big-time War gang not a lot of places to perform don’t want to follow a dude with a prop but at the same time sometimes good Willie Tyler and Lester people not so bad the musicals all sorts of shit Henson great but here’s the thing honor among Comics we talk to each other after your fucking briefcase and that’s a great bit for you I’m not mad at you for that shit I’m just thankful I don’t have to carry that shit around it was crazy how mad we get
go ahead like the same stick or they had like a deep because we want to suffer like what did we meet we worship Bill Hicks you know the truth bringer the light Giver the that Perfect Blend between like you’ve got a strong 45 but you you’re also like so fucking filled with your age but it’s like angry at everybody wanted to chill and like not die and yeah it was very easy there was everyone to be Bill Hicks and a lot of people would have been better Stephen writes yeah like a lot of people were like cornball cute funny and we would we would ridicule them if they were to PG people that didn’t work
blue some respect them but they have to fucking murder in order for you to respect them if they don’t work blue cuz it’s like what are you trying to say you do it you’re not you’re not allowed to say fuck you in a fucking bar the crazy factionalism is so entertaining to me now look good back what was really funny about it is like we position was that one tribe was going to win out and it was funny as that they were there for the karaoke machines being rolled in one by one and it was like it used to be comedy vs. dartz it was like the LA freeway which was a Milwaukee like bar that has ended my first open mic use like he would be would say hey it’s open mic night folks and you know that because you can’t play darts and then it was true I was like that was the big problem with it like now there’s a microphone and part of the dart boards and and then but then five years later it was like
they’re just these dudes with mustaches like a rolling in with these Dolly’s of weird Syfy equipment it was like what is that karaoke what does that mean yeah karaoke it’s a Japanese thing are you singing other people’s songs and was like what the fuck is this a year later guns every why would the Holiday Inn Airport ever want a fucking alcoholic slob to berate the people waiting in the lobby if they can replace them for 20% less with a fucking Music Machine Deluxe them sing I Will Survive like they will make them, and buy the drugs it was just like this crazy Boogie Nights thing is like oh you’ve been replaced with joy you’ve been all of your conversations about what’s hack of the pool that guys act as hack cuz he’s cheated he’s above the belt he doesn’t wear blue he’s too blue and he’s he’s ripping off Andrew Dice Clay he is ripping off of
does the Starbucks
stop.
Is all wiped out wiped out by this other thing that we never had a chance to factionalized we never really cool singing people like that funny alright anyways you were asking me in a provocative question about moving about what it takes to make the list to be transferred and I wake up in the morning and I go I need shit in this house and then I’m like what shift are you going to put in this house and then I’m like I don’t know a microphone cuz I’m good at. I’m like
do you talk to your therapist about this
I haven’t really yet I I I could be fun
might get you a couple more weeks so be like yeah
she would just say oh that’s not well that’s where you’re at you no like I think that’s really profound like that’s where you be a little more
yeah she’s really into it like but we can meet we have a short handle it should we got like oh that’s not who Dan Heller is like because I’m like like like whether I would literally take Cody’s name or not I like the idea that I’m Dan Heller now or like I’m not Jenna Heller yet cuz I like I keep fucking up like that but I I like to think in my head like I’m turning into a different guy is my older age Joseph Campbell talks about that like in Lake tribal cultures there’s like you know old men they they get reborn they change the way they dress at a certain age and they go from being like they’ll actually change their identity I’ll be like oh I was I was talking Kickingbird but now I’m like screaming screaming stereotype
give me your wisdom well I don’t have that much I’m just I just drove to dinner we got from five movies
I thought it would be eat laxatives and culture you go like what that’s what we totally deny ourselves we deny ourselves the real I was at Duncan Trussell podcast recently and we talked a lot about the right to change your mind how we punish it but it’s true like we definitely do not want and it it’s something that occurred to me like all the endless debate and investigation that we commit to the idea of nature vs nurture which is totally valid like of course that’s a totally that’s of academic interest nature or nurture did your mom’s genes make you a serial killer or was it the thing your mom made you eat but either way it was your mama God damn either way it wasn’t you
wasn’t you and that’s the thing that we do it’s it’s profound how much we debate about nature versus nurture but we don’t debate about will versus free will that much you have to like sign up for a weird unmarketable college class in order to have these conversations about are we choosing anything ever or are we just products of a bunch of fucking shit that’s either nature and or nurture it do but do we do we actually like the I fux with that argument constantly there do we choose can we move can we make our own way sort of thing and it is weird cuz to a certain degree we do sword of truth is my is my thought I side with that cuz the alternative is going insane like you said you’re just like a choo choo train going around a Christmas tree called God’s board
no reason and you’re just like I feel like I’m choosing whole week over Ryan God’s like nope that’s your fucking dopamine and hitting it and fucking little Clockwork man yeah way to choose week this time you fucking Matchbox car also so boring to watch as if we were constantly making the wrong choices be just watching tragedy day after day so in order for it to be a sitcom and fun to watch there’s a little bit of free will that goes on but there’s a certain amount of fucking up that also is part of it I like this idea that there’s a free will is an illusion and God is watching that
but that is like an old man watching a model train wig like you set up a model train set then you watch it go around and do exactly what you anticipated it would do and if it’s fucked up you fix it if it if it is the train makes its own decision you call that my by fucked up making my model train my understanding was Iran in the past that a science science is generally have formed the consensus that Free Will is an illusion but if you think about that it doesn’t help so for all intents and purposes it’s not but but scientifically it is which means that like I think that means that astrology is real right
I mean it’s the equivalent for sure playing in this house on this date and then my mom did this and then my dad did this and then the school I went to this happened and licorice was in season and and so here I am doing this is saying these words that I’m about to say that I was already about to say a little bit that’s so I guess that’s what it was about
I thought it was a bag of shit
it was profound oh I just got it the piano roll ocean was that your ring
yeah Dan ring flew off for the folks at home fucking in cells they’re everywhere
finding love is the worst thing ever happened to you
you think that magician like that’s always how he reacts to people getting his illusions
what is the temperament for a magician I think I saw the inside of his apartment once and I will never trust me again I was like whoa there’s the trick ya being out in society this is was it an atom pool to self abuse and also you have a live-in girlfriend who of course is your assistance at like like and if she stopped being your assistant there will be a new girlfriend and she will be your assistant because the other one is scaped and like like you because because she unlike these dying doves in this cage who are just wondering am I next for the sleeve
I think if they could be a Pixar movie there’s like yellow feather doves like in this light list of apartment going like dude you’re going in the sleeve next
you hear that phone call that was his manager you’re going to Toronto you’re going in the sleeve you’re going in the holster
you you not going to make it holy shit Blackness the dark Walking Horse it was because I think when you’re a magician you do have license to justify your apartment being caked and debris you can go well that’s a bunch of newspaper
I can’t throw that away I might have to pay my bill
oh man that’s awesome
God damn not a magician and open mike magician God damn it only happens if you’re really done cray isn’t but I understood that your apartment was pretty messy so how did this make an impact on you I think that animals obviously is a huge step I ended up living in just as much filth as a magician but you see you had a better place saying I was just living like a college kid like I was going to I was going from a dorm room to like oh hey can I crash in your attic and so I didn’t have enough stuff to be filthy
The Graduate to that very quickly you’re absolutely right I said it wasn’t it was and then the mess they make is definitely like a level above but I was just trying to understand cuz it sounded like it wasn’t necessarily the level of mess but then you were saying stuff that indicated it might have been why did you go away yes what what made you I was just a kid who I was like I was like Bob Dylan I was trying to learn about driving to a gig I can’t remember on a 90 I would like I was like
I’m focusing on my, day so I will get it to win it like I don’t like it was in the biz and I wonder if maybe I would pick maybe I was picking him up maybe I maybe my car was working in his wasn’t maybe maybe maybe we were going to write a script together I have no idea I can’t remember but it is it yeah it isn’t but I mean yeah in terms of overall Phil’s not as meaningful as much as like these guys they performing these fancy costumes and they have names like the great Xander and they do not live in like a like a maculate and there’s like a illusion chest it’s like right now it’s just I fucking filth Nest like because because how else are you going to learn to roll quarters on your knuckles be it’s not by cleaning up
you have to sit and like eat string cheese and like let the rapper fall out of your mouth like you know if you want to get the jump on the other magicians that are like practicing just as much quarter rolling on the knuckles you have to fucking like flip cards over and over again you’re going to watch Columbo and collect mucus stuff for practice that shift manual dexterity in this house has diarrhea all up in it maybe you don’t know any good I’m all over it because they’re 11 years old and they’ve been their Soul’s been shattered because they have no agency like I ate or like a magic shop like the Columbo episode where the suspect was a magician if I woke up to my Law Firm is my freight elevator and here’s my because of production designer designed my Nest like there’s not shit everywhere
but the truth is dirty people already people there was a high suicide rate to there is that there was a very wasn’t there was a magician that worked at the same fast and we were his car was in the parking lot was very clear he was living in it illegally Blake and then it was like he still like they wear like three piece suit slim like ties what is like then they getting this like Dennis Woodruff station wagon with a portal let out hanging off the back in like a fucking bag a p on the handle and
I love how we started
started off saying hey we’re all equal
and then by the time we were done like lousy fucking magicians with them I’m going to lie to people I don’t want to get better at that I’m not dishonest enough yeah I got to get real good friend Asperger detective recovery directing light like I’m going to I’m going to make you think this handkerchief is floating because God is real I guess I’m not content to just be like a thing where I like put these wires and I made this handkerchief again like I mean
God Bless but God damn
God damn
that’s like when you find out that shit about people at Disney and then like puking in the heads in the catacombs underneath where they feel like that but that’s a hot to eat this burrito really fast like a damned is ya damn ballerina’s feet are all mashed up yeah that was worth it like always so beautiful jumping on my feet are all purple
everybody should have to know what every other profession goes through just to do the shit I have to clean it’s sinuses out with a Q-tip or it’ll die overnight
hurry up because someone in England thought their faces looked adorable that way
ask me how I got a tail to curl are you
I meant dangling in a well in general like dogs are that’s the ultimate dogs are the ultimate magician or but like everything cuz they’re they’re like humankind’s best friend and there’s so emotionally attached to us in there like so over the oh my God what a bond we have with you and then you like you open the hood on that you’re like oh God yeah it’s because every single time one of your brothers or sisters disappointed a caveman they threw them on the fire that were left were allowed to breed and it’s just like now you got all these different shape fucking things like you to clean tannins out and back in Brunswick like it was bread for the deformity of its front arms and it’s like they can’t get it’s more lung cancer than usual but boy can I clean out a cannon
and I’ll get those ferrets right out of your Bastille right
going to have special muscles in the inside of their brow that we had more expressive the Wolves don’t have wolves can only look like they’re going to eat you almost identical DNA looking thing that looks like a different breed of canine since you have said that when I listen to you talk I try to not do that my natural look at me like I mean I think people would somebody’s talking to you they’re like you be like yeah I went and got some beer and they’re like oh yeah oh yeah what happened but since you have said that to me I’ve been really conscious of like yeah then what happened
what’s up what up
or you trying to look like always know what’s going to happen now we have to bite you should know like do I respect wolves more than dogs like like like dare you use that there’s a documentary about they compare the two and then they put the put the little treat under the cup and the Wolves will just like they know the teacher in the company. And they’re like no and then the dog will try for the company Canton it stops and it looks at the nearest person cuz it’s like use me but
I did my best but yeah
and it’s like I don’t know how are we on the side of that or not is it the shadow we cast or is it it’s it’s just crazy it’s like it’s in such a strange poetic relationship
it is it’s great that like we needed something and that something kind of also needed us it’s weird when you’re like dog walks over to you and put his head on you cuz you’re like speak the same language you could have left a long time ago you could have changed your mind and bit my face off a long time ago and it’s dope it’s kind of that it’s kind of the coolest thing that man did or woman did for each other thousands of years ago in the future you’re going to need a dog that I never had with Harvey we’re like it was he didn’t really like he’s not like this is my house and it’s not for all he knows I’m just like you know their dogs are just like I’m sure they get a sense of like sort of like oh this is my new bro this is my new Dan but he just like he’s like well I’m with you you’re my man and I’m your dog and we’re here together and I kind of like it just kind of organically happened that he and I
I like walk the perimeter of my house together and he just like there’s no leash or anything it was just sort of nighttime and he
he just like fell into this behavior that was like and that I fell into two or I was like it just felt so right it’s lifting a hammer or a gazelle femur like it was like I’m the tension primate and it was just had this like retriever at my hip and he just kept perfect Pace with me and he kind of like it was as if he understood that what we were doing as we were just sort of checking the perimeter and he has something just swelled inside me I think it’s very notable those it like you know I don’t know what the numbers are like let’s say fifty thousand years of dog domestication verses the ten thousand years of cat infestation and I say that very affectionately as a former cat person I was like I just bite Kit Kats if you ask them are you domesticated they would say no thank you very much sir I am not a domesticated animal I chosen to live among humans because it profits me
don’t they come in and some different shapes and Furs and things but they’re basically cats and when we go into outer space we’re going to bring dogs and cats and cats kiss as much as dogs dead and they’re still coming on the arc for sure and I find that kind of interesting because humans love cats as much as they love dogs Wheatley maybe if you could quantify that that might not be true but like we we we will bring the kid in the way that matters we will bring cats with those two Outer Space if we survive and like like we love cats cuz they’re soft and they they react to us loving them and and there in like it’s almost like dogs didn’t have to go as far as they did
it’s almost like we as humans were like you know what you could have split the death and we would have minded respected you more you could have nagged us a little bit boss and dial it back
this guy catches mice any papers that’s it like he can sit where he want he sits in a box how’s that for fucking like consideration as humans are very self-loathing which is why we I think we reach out every human that every animal that we ever touched I’m sure we tried to domesticate when you come across an elephant we probably where they can you have what is a pet any answers no you can’t cuz they’re smarter and they have graveyards I don’t know
I can’t have an elephant as a patent you can’t cry and then die and it’ll remember where it died and ever and ever all the other elephants
not a pet not a pet we try ferrets we try lizards do you know everybody in their life but it’s because we we hate ourselves let you know where we’re not we’re not what other animal species is insecure that’s crazy like you’re either it or there’s something some crocodile birds eat rabbit eat right I got you player she’s opening line

are you sure Kathy is going on between you know like only us are like who wants to party I’m So Alone we share food we give up food yeah that’s a big fucking deal to animals but then only dogs are like shit that’s a human baby however actually oh shit this is a thing I could have written down Okay so
GM we sold some time in my new house there there is the species of bird oh very interesting like there’s a couple of Neighborhood Cats and there’s also this like weird species of birds that I had I don’t see a lot they have like very long tails they kind of look like sorry what
that would be cool
three things about that I love that you’re British I love that you
in the place I moved there these birds would like to pick up right now I’m sorry I just I hit the buzzer too early
where I used to live there is peacocks in like the hills like Ranch property and I drive down there just seeing like they jump up on a house to be like that that that that that that was not a crazy think of me like he thought you move somewhere really rich yeah yeah yeah maybe I don’t think I mean to mock you like you but I didn’t have all the information I needed to mock you I shouldn’t have mocked you that’s what I know it was fun in my mind peecox in Erlanger like tigers like they exist in like a barrel of an Aquaman or something they have moved to the Sea Xanadu
how do I start looking birds that fly around float float flappy flappy float or what are they what colors are blue and purple green the length of an extra Sparrow on the air and they’re very like they’re they’re the goddamn the neighborhood cats and like if the cat comes in my yard aren’t you cute kitty we got a little neighborhood chat maybe I’ll give it a bowl of milk
one day it’s like UNICEF
but no sooner than I’m thinking that these fucking sings dive bomb this cat. The birds are everywhere all over my yard they don’t fuck with humans they’re constantly like flight the fight low they’re not like they don’t I’ve never felt threatened by them I’ve been impressed by their they’re kind of like I don’t know what you call it like there are space is very top gun hello sailor
but but Marines don’t swim as much as the Navy stroke so fuck you for thinking of those rooms in the armed forces there could be Sailors that fly that you don’t know
there are still but you’re also a sailor on the Navy thank you and fuck everyone especially you peacock man
dear you think I had peacocks
then then then yes yes yes British fan
pick up anyways I just find it remarkable that cuz I was thinking what I’m like these fucking pigs okay I know this cat wasn’t doing anything it was definitely not like looking to rumble it was like sunning itself and these birds one and then two started going and they were like the cat was a fuck you like it was like leave me alone I’ll move then and then the birds are like I said fuck you and the cat was like Spock man and I was like why is a holy shit I’ve never seen this is birds are warring in this cat like honey come look at this as I’m moving from window to window is or what holy should they won’t leave her alone he’s running is like at this point he is now definitely the victim like I wasn’t before is like he’s just like I’m a I’m only born a cat like I’ve done nothing to any of you and they were just like to fuck you don’t like the shape of your body and
and I just thought I was crazy because I never thought about it like but they never fuck with me that I recognize that birds they don’t do that to me I’m in the backyard in my pool or I’m running around like they’ve obviously they’ve got some instinct to protect their nastor there ground a year. It don’t they spread out and they’ll kill fucking for houses. Regent even a picture of the weirdest fear humans are not and it’s facts to the contrary date is like this species of no species of bird that lives in a city would survive if their behavior included ever fucking with a guy mowing his lawn. Because you would have immediately go back again it’s like they be extinct immediately
G in Tumblr mechanism but also did you know crows or I did you hear that episode of that g show the street name that you know we are we’ve all heard that one that old Trope they drop Pennies on the train tracks but they like recognize faces they say about crows directory yeah I bet they do that’s why I don’t be mean to crows Lakeville Lakeville Lakeville they their their their higher technically it’s not good enough for a crow to just be either scared of humans or have an affinity toward them
I thought we were going to die that were gay Steve Levy Sienna wire ugly and kind of like Paris City Gear in it what would you call it infest you is that a word like like we don’t look at me look at crows as being like they don’t they don’t deserve the the avian title there like varmints you know but precisely because of that probably they have developed like a Keener relationship with their human colleagues hey to be a crow and look at all humans as one thing or another it definitely you reproduce more as a crow if you can tell the difference between the little
girl that brings you the worms and the cranky old man that has a BB gun and it’s like the only the DNA past 4 and it’s like so you have this like super intelligence among this like mangy bird people feel like some people don’t like the crows across a lake upper middle class in the bird situation so like they’re sitting pretty because they they can take on like a hawk like they will fuck a hawk up a group of them but they also kind of like eat an egg out of a Sparrow’s Nest so like in Sparrows can’t really no matter how many sparrows get together they can’t really take him across so apparently if a crow is dead the other crows will gather around and they’ll observe the dead crow
but it’s not just out of like some elephant like Nostalgia they don’t I’ll be sad fucking idiot bleeding-heart Al events let’s have a wake the crows are apparently like gathered around the dead crow for a practical purpose they’re like appraising what happened to this day I see it’s what ya everyone that dies should have in a proper society and socialized autopsies crows would be my friends does that make sense you know you can you can take it up off the street so yeah they actually I mean no one wants to be like a bird pet owner but like crows are especially pretty bad to keep as pets apparently I mean just just they’re messy but that they are smart like that it’s just like I wish I could just like seeing that crow like hey
hey man I need some like water or something I bought a Frisbee and a bottle of water to keep it in my car so if I see a hawk grow I can put out like a birdbath of water truck yeah I do you mean like wearing like fishnets no but when it gets hot you know they can open their mouth and they look like you’re panting or whatever and it seems really uncomfortable it’s like man that sucks I also went to the store to try and buy a micro feed but crows don’t really eat feed so I don’t know I guess I going to get still french fries crows role of Steel french fries if you didn’t delete anything you can you get dead squirrel awesome. Kind of like I mean City and you got crows in your backyard they can be super fucking annoying
pretty they’re there there’s a German of bird language
it’s not as bad as mad at me a call designs to seduce anyone
it’s a fine in a good thing that coyotes do which is one crow will make a bunch of noise to make other crows that it doesn’t even know the fuck your shit up but that’s probably why it sounds a little ugly or do ice cuz it’s more function over form you like German it’s a big internet I can say pantyhose in a lot of different languages that’s what you learned at the mansion house also that they they mimic other birds like they’re just not famous for it the way parents are then I can they can choose to sound like other birds they just know I’m paying it for a gig I’m not going to I’m not your fucking original Little fiddle for you and swipe
we’re rhinestones and fucking I’m on the streets bitch
peacock LTD. So bad I’m sorry
I love that guy just enough booze guy is that guy really bad sound it’s awful
Brandon’s recoiling was fucking being chased by two things making the same noise with me
what if cutie guys were chasing a cat and two of those long tailed birds that aren’t peacocks were like in the neighborhood like I don’t know I don’t know what they sound like
did you know that whales Brandon
that they might be able to communicate their feelings with their echolocation that that human observers detect PODS of Wales with a couple of sick Wheels in it and then we suspect it’s possible that the the whale song in a pod of whales that they’re so they’re song So affects each other that if there’s a couple of sick whales in a pod that their whole song becomes we are sick so this would have teased the sick well
and they really feel up to the field a real well. That’s all I just got to go by myself
that would be equally valid explanation of that but I don’t know we just wouldn’t know we wouldn’t assume that they were like us we listen to me and Dan listen to this podcast on Radiolab we was a contest about animal intelligence and the slime mold one which is bullshit they’re not smart they’re just efficient like a robot to not smart like yeah like what’s your I mean that’s the question I asked the beginning of how would you measure animal intelligence would you measure it if a dog like Robert krulwich said he used the example of a snow fox being able to detective Mouse and dive down and it’s like well what are we doing it so goddamn smart cities there you go
those things like we’re not we’re just
Bulova watch
to reject during the apocalypse don’t kill me and my boys
we should get any crackers
this building should be 11 buildings High which means seven building time plus two buildings hi no one else has Matt there was like
sounds like that’s what 11 is
I’m not very good at it but we’re still right off of it was weird that they were like it was alive and so people were bleeding really hard into trying to perform and not like pleading their case but I found some information that ability to unscrew the lid yeah see exactly what I mean it’s like an octopus get the thing and then put it over itself like that smart like that might be the case that whales feel feelings because when they echolocate to communicate with each so it actually hits them in the face and so is a physical Sensation that they’re feeling and so it’s like if you’re actually punched in the face by sadness rather than just receiving sadness and I like that’s not that’s not putting yourself into a cup you know that’s not learning to read a book like an octopus does
meet you at Tic-Tac-Toe about that they talked about that holding up don’t sorry
the chicken beat me I mean that guy was kind of funny right cuz he brought the chickens at he was kind of subverting the whole thing to give you the say oh we’re going to do a contest about a animal intelligence and here’s for people that are going to do 3 minutes of weird stand up like it’s like all this talk about but I think I’m just 46 and then like now I’m like I like in PR and you’re like their music on Tommy Dorsey blowing bubbles
I don’t want to say not see too many times in an hour and I would upset the old bones I think I just specifically have a vendetta against like that Radio Lab style of humor I don’t know something about a really great great to me did you ever hear the Radio Lab where they fucking like we’re growing accidentally fucking catastrophically triggered like this like indigenous dude he was like lately claims that piss me off but I was talking about how in his village or city or whatever there was this a phenomenon that he almost invested with Supernatural weight to it because it’s like this was it like yellow or yellow dust kind of came down or something some color of dust descended and there they like thought it was like it was like a myth or like it was like a secret alien not a lie but they’re like oh it’s like the government
it’s like aliens are ghosts or something and then he was like you know that looks like a beracah do it weird experiments. Like really mad right was it cuz I thought I remembered it is like they were convinced it was government experiments but the truth is it was like fungus or something struggled so hard and it’s been so hard and you just don’t understand that but the government sucks at all so this was just like I’m sorry the government still sucks I’m not saying they’re great yeah I know it was just crazy I was okay with crazy the last two guys who were like hey that was just pollen is up yeah it was sort of like I was like I got to hold on to those you know we’ve been through, people have been the victim of like exploitation or whatever development or whatever but this yellow shit that comes down as actually just
natural thing and the it was like it was active was it was it was magnified by the fact that he was like a young woman that was translating for like this elder or was like just speaking in his native language and she was translating for him it was crazy here like it was real I mean it was one of those things where I was really glad I heard it because it was like it was like part train wreck but there was something healthy about it I don’t know it was like because it was it was NPR guys that were just like oh by the way we do a science show on NPR and this is just shit falling down and then the guys like I don’t want to do an impression of his Timber changing and then she’s translating and she’s going like but you don’t understand the thing is is that which is like yeah but
he was just like the fungus at 8 and then he’s going up so you can’t understand what he’s saying but she’s matching his level and she’s translating Farm in real time and she’s in tears yeah she starts going
done and then you bring us in here the whole time you hear him underneath saying things you don’t understand and you but this mountain and mounting is he he’s the Baseline and she’s the treble and they’re both going up and up and up and Robert krulwich doesn’t strike me as a guy who’s ever been in the business of Confrontation and so he’s just like whoops and he’s like well maybe there’s a way to respect that they that they are crazy fucking thing we got into it which is like what we didn’t mean to offend but it was like no Heroes no villains just like a crazy four-way intersection of culture Humanity do you like like like I don’t know it was it was it was I mean one thing’s for sure you get hypnotized driving to work you listen to Radiolab and then I listen to some shit like that goes down in your like oh God damn
should I call in late to work do I need to drive over to fpr do they need help
it was a driveway moment and I do respect that cuz I have Jessica and you know we would delivers more than a couple times where is like it would hit the fan and like I would sound like a fucking pompous ass and wake I step out of the booth and that was visceral and then you got it in the engineering you want me to edit anything out but I know you can’t like don’t ya lately Glitz what are we doing this for then that’s that would be fucking dumb like like like like okay so I threw a tantrum in lake lake lake are you know I got to do it got to do it otherwise otherwise you get your pay yourself to them like fucking talk into a microphone this isn’t it it’s also faster if you double down in a way that’s like oh man I was also shocked by the things that came out of my mouth
versus this like what we do is we going to run and I think now if you can get there faster than your critics and go shyt I was trying I said some shit I fucked up and you would have to if you’ve been talkin for 48 minutes straight cuz we all would like I think after I got about 15 minutes with a charm which of these men in like 30 minutes to start being my yeah my dad was just you know we just drank too much I don’t know anyway I’m glad we’re here let’s Cut the Cake bring me back and I think I get that I talk with Duncan babbling endlessly about but it was like it had to do that Free Will thing because it’s like it is weird how our culture and buy our culture I genuinely mean like I think basically the entire human species culture like we seem to have it in for ourselves in that we do not want to reward the changing of the mind we
you have an inherent suspicion and it probably 4 if there’s absolutely if you hold nothing sacred and you can just feel however they express whatever you need to express to get through whatever Gates you need to get through here genuine danger to the rest of society we are held in place by the fact that I choose not to be a criminal today it’s not because there’s a cop watching me every second it’s it’s it’s like either I might not encounter a cop the entire day and still obey the law why because I have decided that I am a law-abiding citizen how do you do that oh Brandon but it’s it is it is weird how much we punish the changing of the Mind
said you felt a different way yesterday in the weird thing about that is that we are all you have outside of the changing the changing is the only thing like it whether we stay Free Will is an illusion or not it’s still arguably let that’s all there is to who you really are everything else is just outside your control even within a model where you have no control over your choices for this guy woke up on Monday and he said I’m proud to be white and he’d spent seventy years saying that it’s like well that’s obviously worth nothing cuz it never changed it like to change it we could we we kind of like we regard it we want it to happen a little bit but we don’t want to David Bowie did it enough but don’t do it too much
I want to be a Kardashian to know then I don’t want to empty don’t reveal yourself to be virtue signalling which means that you only use other you just do whatever you go where the wind blows like we just have all these opinions about when you’re allowed to change your mind and what what what what basis you’re using to change how you think and yet that’s all you possibly could be it’s right your life is like how you change you want I want my money back from being a human I mean I wish I could be a raccoon raccoon raccoon got the rumbling each other like a man you ain’t a different kind of garbage yesterday
but they do sniff each others but for that reason cuz he’s so there is there is some evolutionary shift to change you told me all about the vet sniffing with the dogs I know I know it’s a it’s a
stuff stuff the most hilarious talking what you want or the dog butt
spell the spell the the Powerade
so what’s the best sauce with that gospel praise that they use it to figure out what the other dog has been eating where it’s been going with some fucking around with that they sort of use it like a like it’s a cheap GPS cuz your butthole your butthole holds all the information about where you been the poop hits their wallet it’s their it’s it’s the shoes they’re wearing it’s like a dog a dog from Uptown is going to have a totally different assholes smell than a dog from downtown at the drive from Uptown is like God damn you got a high protein diet Rite I like what wolves are like oh shit is a lot of protein in your asshole you’re not you’re not eating a bunch of grass you’re not a sick wolf you’ve been your gown in a lot of mammoths or pay rate I’m going to roll with you
because you’ve got protein dispute like like people who hunt with you end up with protein and use that that was a little disappointing cuz you’re like
they’re capitalists that there was a little actually uplifting thing though cuz it’s super interesting is that you can buy certain cars you can buy eight colors but on high-end cars you can get 40 colors right so I think I think choices is a huge thing that gets used against us and that the execution of choice is offensive to people that they’re like who do you think you are to make that choice is really what we’re all fighting to do is get you a position where we can choose every hour of the day but there’s a big scam going on right like like the man is laughing all the way to the bank with poor people and like the less we change our minds I like to keep you in a box so you can’t right now because because who wants a bunch of poor people like waking up every day and check in and take an inventory again like how do I feel I don’t know what I’m going to be today is it Taco Tuesday
not even Tuesday oh shit I would like and so there’s a and I don’t mean like America Area 51 Washington in general society and by the way we live in one Society like that is the scam that have big con is like don’t fucking tell me you feel differently today don’t come at me talking about like you were you felt one way today and you felt that’s women talk like a feminized that gives a blue Mercury all week we and we tell them at the same time your week that’s why you can’t be in charge of shit because you’ll change your mind too much jewelry insurance company off the shelf know how we listening I’m onto your ship
are they kind of stuck to the same thing basically I’m going to be the David Bowie of Mines but like a faster though I’m not going to like take seven years and then be like look up now I’m into Sous I’m going to I’m going to be the RuPaul of Mines Billy Joel. The Early Irish angry Jewish where am I talking last night at the party that now I love you and I’m keeping the face like but like I’m not going to take for you to get there I’m going to be like
AAA Irish band Jewish Irish singing man but you didn’t know this morning I pay the rent. I think I’m going around the world Cooling in my pockets in the happiness of Pepsi
liberal talk all the way Mega like what happened to the fucking stupid of pain cuz I can fucking trying to eat
I got a problem with you when I told mind playing the piano with my nephew got a problem you can take it up with my dick ball
Tatu Baby I don’t want
We Didn’t Start the Fire he’s just like everybody remembers all the burger Wars and Pepsi Coke and he’s like Gandalf now everything so great got that pussy so great and so thankful wife looking Christie Brinkley now she’s my wife wife wife divorce but I marry Christie Brinkley so you can upload me to work anymore I still win I’m going to be on American Idol cuz I wrote 900 songs
we didn’t we can’t top that but we blew it we could have ended on a high so I mean have you seen these videos of Billy Joel just like losing it and like throwing shit and kick and stop was that when is there a Burger King where you like what you got really mad at like a sound check it was like fuck this but he was on stage to a concert
but I would be like if somebody had a microphone here at Becky that I stopped at peacock peacock
that was so crazy be that Amplified I want to see someone bring it
boo boo boo
we’re famous for our camaraderie.
Play Spin Doctors on your kind of like
I’m going to get the first row and bring a harmonica
I don’t give a fuck who’s on stage look at Tyrese Gibson from the fast
so we all have YouTube to to do we can mute YouTube Billy Joel do you think of what the actual movies but to me it was like just just incredibly violent like you didn’t hit someone but like everything it was doing to me just just smacked to violence and I was like wow yeah he punched the violence
let there be no mistaking where we’re going yeah it was why I was supposedly maybe it’s apocryphal I don’t know but supposedly he’s the one guy that never gave Weird Al permission to parody him or like weird Al did that science all Billy Joel to me and I had Billy Joel was like the historically was like thumbs down I don’t like it where is Madonna’s like yeah like a surgeon I mean
Think Like a Virgin a little edgier but I’m not sure what you’re parodying at this point I’m kind of taking the edge off of my work seems It’s not a satirical Like a Surgeon so Billy Joel come on man you’re right before it up for ridicule but he didn’t want to do that weird I’m not weird you’re weird made that made that Weird Al bootleg
all Billy Joel don’t you try to make my songs any weird I’m going to put some grease in the lamest version just change up down to downtown just to power off
are in a six string
I mean on the streets there and when she comes with my gray cats and dogs and when she sneezes I collect her son on a Lincoln Log, just a box of snuff, dandruff Anna top Top Gun Top Gun I like that we going to end the show the audience is like I got work I got to work all right everybody text to Brandon Johnson the Comptroller for tonight
play harmontown at the lovely downtown. Please make some noise
30 to 50 feral Hogs OSHA
music
be safe
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