Episode
Episode: 207 – LIVE from Just for Laughs Montreal 2016
Description
Harmontown is welcomed by a warm crowd and a sold out show in Montreal for another gut spilling and heart wrenching episode steeped in comedy and loving kindness. Watch the video exclusively at harmontown.com/live. Become a member! We are a small business. Help us grow.
Transcript
all right
blue off today the bar at the hotel isn’t open
130 Jesus Christ
the Hyatt Regency Hotel in beautiful
and everybody you know you want a piece of them Spencer
how you doing brother
bonjour
we’re in the whole show in French
that damn almost that’s all I got cancelled expansions that you take it easy take each one for a year and you just kind of I don’t know if 8 here is wheat or Ocho I like being bilingual is she so great but not come everyone bilingual isn’t Rich you know if it’s so important I guess I kind of broke and he speaks three languages does your body language a language we we we we may be back here in November forever I’m sure you’ve heard that a lot.
will be very low profile past like we’re not we’re not going to act like we’re allowed to be here will will thank you for not building a wall in before we got here and I like we’ll just hang out and I will just enjoy sitting in the corner dipping french fries and mayonnaise without feeling creepy I love that so much thank you for that cultural like different primaries will be a spoon yummy yummy Jeff oh yeah the typewriter was invented here
and the shoe the shoe was invented here just just left one just the one shoe just so one chicken and took another country and did you guys know that for a long time shoes existed before they figured out to make a left and right versions of them there’s just neutral shoes for a long time so yeah it’s cool I love it
Ariane what year did they start making feet specific shoes how are you Spencer I noticed you got more Applause when I did oh yeah you know why because you’re is Canadian is an American can get what I meant it as a compliment yeah you always mean it as a compliment I always take it as an insult you for instance you know you you missed your flight like that’s pretty Canadian mass transit you guys love mass transit so he missed his flight
because of Mass Transit Connect know I love it I didn’t bring my passport I think that you used to not need a passport I don’t know I didn’t bring my pants back from people who had the same shoe on both feet invented the right shoe and the and the passport and is now, I’m a little sober. I apologize but yeah the bar is not open at 1 p.m. can we get a really big broom making some drops of what the deal was and he said the show is below the
and Jeff said I’ll say
and I got some notes and by the time I was doing it was very clearly ironic okay
all right that’s what you say
then after all that after a hundred that’s what she said I wrote I have a vagina and like to have sex with men she said doesn’t actually mean that’s what she said right it means something else we don’t know what it means we don’t know who she is why she’s keep saying stuff all right so let me just look at my
you can you can see the orange stuff light up your own mustache with the night I just ate a quarter pounder with fromage downstairs hate myself so much thing monster imagine being my girlfriend just like looking up a knocking
I mean I made it TV show was looking at my own
she’s a saint she’s a good woman
on the flight here while I’m dating since I left a little like little Levi Post-it notes around here around the crib and she was texting Cody Dan’s girlfriend and she said I’ll let you take a picture of one of them fussing outside I love you on the fridge and she go to bed
it was only a matter of time you heard me talking a lot and what it what is a bed but a large pair of pants you you wear for 8 hours a day and so it was a matter of time before I go
I mean it’s not like I don’t look like it but long enough like we’re a couple days it’s like you know I’m just I’m just teeing it up like I don’t want you to worry about me like that I’m always shaking uncontrollably closure and I just have to tell you everything cuz I was like this is white how did you know what happened I was like I was I was masturbating and so I I’m a I’m a kneeler and I
so I have my laptop open in front of me and I was kneeling
you don’t have to apply to buy a Placid anybody anybody hear a kneeler when they masturbate
you’re awesome
you haven’t eaten you have nails but you’re not a kneeler I’ve done meth but I’m not a messenger thing I’m just really I really I’m surprised by that I’ve never bothered to ask how many people here wipe their ass standing up
sometimes you have to double that cuz who’s going to clap the Brave and the end the single but but but but no kneelers so there’s something really weird about me like I don’t know what any of these are at the end of the world doesn’t have squat toilets stand a white, I don’t know how that figured I just looked at it I bet it’s like 40% like sitting toilet world but I’m just guessing yeah yeah
country of the world and they have the 16th largest navy
each each each sailor gets their own typewriter
who’s the current prime minister of Canada
and it’s very controversial figure he’s been he’s run for four terms and he loves pickles and the metric system
they make a king run for election these people you got to love them there trolleys don’t have wheels they have sleds little Sleds on them if you say excuse me that means fuck you
pants are napkins glasses are an insult to your mother’s family is your family as well
it’s just on the Metro letting outside
wow wow wow wow
all right so you’re about to check this out
all right all right so here I am naked squatting on the story if I can bring myself to to orgasm easily enough laying down or maybe sitting in the Lotus position I don’t know like it when it comes to like okay I have work in 10 minutes like uber is on its way like I’m a kneeler
do you flex your legs when you’re kneeling or are you just like you just trying to be as neutral as possible liquor your legs doing anything or they just propping you up to jerk off because like sometimes when I’m like feeling good
flexing his muscles help that like I feel there’s you weren’t cheating while you’re like up right here kind of just a modified sitting position where to start the show in a couple minutes
but I know I was I was out of the laptop open and I’m kneeling and I and I and I again with the Soylent and also I recently discovered like a little a couple of vape pen you know like makes masterbation more palatable palatable like it’s not palatable to the rag if you get high on marijuana like it’s it’s it’s fun to jerk off
funner took a little bit of a joint and I was kneeling and I went and I coughed
I’ll do it I didn’t know I was like that was a hot one but
I fell asleep like oh no
the blase you just showed us how you did it didn’t you
drift off to sleep
I see it and I go I don’t have time to go to bed
no I see that that’s the reason why this is all public knowledge now is because before we let we were supposed to meet because because we were going to spend the night and we had an early flight to come to Montreal and I was at work and I had told Levy that I pooped in the bed Steve Spencer task isn’t it it’s nobody’s task but I said I didn’t tell I wasn’t telling a real jealous yeah
I would said the levy likely make sure I need to get home before Cody gets there I need to beat her home like because I have some things to tend to I pooped in the bed I had to leave the laundry I didn’t have time to do anything on the bed
well I did
Cody just Cody’s texting me she said don’t forget the reason you had to tell me was because of the new sheets yes okay Cody had Billy found on Amazon because I have a king California King mattress and and so she found I’m going to just get a little hot up here I’m going to take off my
don’t put yourself
I don’t know why I’d be sweating up here telling this story
such a fucking gross monster so I push it on the fucking new sheets that she so I knew even if I even if the even if you got home before me that she’d see that the new sheets came and should be excited like I knew she’d like you want to look at them all of them
okay I guess I maybe
from anybody I I have a dog sitter so I didn’t want her to have to look at the proud people have to see things that would make them you don’t have to see them you know like I don’t want to think about who I really am a burden on people it’s like it’s like going to Vietnam knowing me like knowing a little things if you could you could see things that would that would be the equivalent of like seeing a beheading or something
so you’re now you’re so she’s texting me and a goat
I just really wanted to see if I can find the conversation she was
Steve Steve comes running it and he goes like a Cody’s on her way to your house and she has a key
scrolling and I and he knows why that’s dangerous red lock the gate
she couldn’t even use her house key that way I don’t know what I wasn’t thinking when I left there are no I don’t have to come home early and clean up my shit that’s a good thought
I’m just looking for this sorry it’s all look up stuff on our phones has colors that segment called blood uncork Spencer’s rage so when you fly here you got to fill out a timesheet I don’t even know why I guess it’s just like they know if you’re taking like a large amount of money into the country or like plants or something I don’t know but you got to fill out a sheet but then they don’t have any pens on the plane because pens are very expensive we all know this how much it how much money have you guys spending pans in the last year cuz we’re me it’s at least $1,000 and I’m not even an airline
I got those on an airplane like space is at a premium send pens are so bulky they’re like they’re like a million hot towels worth of space or shity meals are fucking weird crackers or any other traffic jam
and they’d make a lousy promotional tool cuz you can’t put your logo on them no and no one ever needs one I never give one doesn’t anyone else and everyone’s always traveling with writing utensils anytime I go out of the door I have writing utensil because that’s what we do and also just you know writing on paper is so today it’s so useful life everyone’s right and just stuck down on pieces of paper these days
you think that they’d have taken care of that with like note taking apps on phones or like word processors on computer anyway they don’t have any fucking pens they make you fill out a form but the thing is there are pens on the plane but God help you if you get off the plane without filling out that form because on the in the way to get out of the airport there’s absolutely no one who will give you a pen and they’ll tell you they’re not allowed to give you a pan or they did last time I do this time I brought from the guy next to me but then you’re just trapped in another country without you know cellular data service in most cases and you have to fill out a form without any ability to fill out a form like there’s literally nothing you can do you can’t go to a store and buy a pain because you’re not on that side of the thing so you’re just stuck in this legal limbo where you have to fill out this form that says I’m not carrying plants or $20,000 to me
buy a digital sure, but you know what you’re saying what every time like if your job is to interrogate dumb fat Americans going to get your country Just for Laughs Festival is there a for the Just for Laughs Festival do you have a do you have a letter a letter I haven’t had a letter since 1989 who has a Game of Thrones what the fuck are you talking about
bro I’m going to bed so I can injure your fucking house totally what the fuck what has more fiber in it than twice its occupation because I’m a comedian.
I didn’t say which Canadian if it was a comedian twice that’s happened from to Media Player on my goal I guess that one letter would get sent to a letter receiver I am I am a performer
I am an artist
is that all are you traveling with a party I said yes I am and you said so where are you going as your mom I said I do we have exactly where Seth Rogen was on their flight and that dude got shot out of there on a Magic Carpet shouldn’t do anything amazing I was looking at Seth Rogen on the plane and I was just that I was thinking about that I’m like driver thing I don’t know if they partment sub fromage
Viet vehicle Lamar on the border with Noah Animal like a secondary screening in Canada and being duct-taped to a folding chair for on the bottom of my thing and I was like I passed
button button code he’s had like a 63 or something as a percentage chance you’re a terrorist on 94 come with me and that it yeah like sitting in water boarding is scan it in and it’s like it you didn’t say date left Canada and I was like haven’t left can do to give me to check out if you can read and it says you didn’t say how much money you’re bringing an i-580 you didn’t say how much I just wrote 0
where is your where is your puppy milk when you get this and it says where where you’re performing what kind of theater what the deal is when you’re going to call who you’re with the cursory glance of the thing you just hand them a can of course I could never get ahold of adjust for last letter
I got so many other things to think about
just think about talking about campaign reform it was like kind of performance art / protest / possible murder do my cuz he knew as a chance they might shoot them out of the sky with a lawn chair with a helicopter blade on it like he just landed right next to the
I hear that guy he makes his own helicopters and it was like okay great this is like okay campaign reform now we’re going to talk about it a little bit and like 5 minutes later that the top story on put on that helicopter was an Isis
I think they’re so important people want to kill them these lawmakers going to come in here and what are they doing they’re all right I hate government stupid did you know that Montreal’s government is is divided into four quadrants
the press the judicial the police and mass transit
nht all checks and balances that the way a bill becomes a law they don’t call it a while here they call it a new is that you have to a Judicial has to have an idea and then he gives it to a bus driver
if a majority of the bus drivers think that it’s an okay idea then they pass that up to the police who don’t carry guns and who simply say thank you and then the bus driver say sorry say thank you sorry and then after that you can break it to and I’ll just I’ll just make you a policeman
it’s a perfect system you know how many people died here last year zero
I assume never read it
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss go in a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, no one but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes out the themes would like to my own life so there’s always a little t and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like you’re always in good hands
adventures in Black Cinema what Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
he doesn’t last time there was a mass shooting in Canada it was it was it was
they try not to shoot each other and when they play paintball up here I just wondered there was an American he went nuts and shot everybody and they were at 6 seconds which is what they call a month here do they have a metric calendar here ten months make a year isn’t it simpler each month is 10 days how many days in a year OK Google can you come share a mic so you can read Cody’s lines in this conversation so I come up there when is your mic
Okay so Thursday 9:03 p.m. your gray so your Cody I might get to your house a little early if that’s okay so Nicole can drive me and I don’t have to Uber
are you on your way
not yet Nicole was going to drive me in about 5 to 10 mins but I can change that plan if needed
it’s okay
but it necessitates me warning you about one thing
it’s not sex doll related
okay I can wait if it makes you uncomfortable that’s great that’s awesome I can just do over when you’re ready that’s no big deal
I guess I’d rather just tell you now because otherwise you’ll have to make up gases in your head as the band moved in
the new sheets came
and Sofia put them on the bed on Tuesday
and they’re great
asterisk
and then last night I accidentally kind of shit on them
haha haha oh my and I didn’t see until this morning God
there’s a visible stain
so what’s our plan for sleeping tonight are the old Jeep still somewhere by the way I’m not judging you baby just trying to solve the problem solved for later it’s also Greg well it’s not
I just need to hit it with some cleaner you never had to know but now I had to tell you because you getting there before me and you were going to see this new sheets and want to look at them and then you were going to see the stain haha okay well I don’t think I’m going to get there before you anyway now because I released Nicole when you said you had to tell me something so I’ll just meet you there at 7
ergo
it autocorrected sorry I didn’t know it was going to be and I didn’t want to keep her waiting so I just told her to go on well now you know I shit on the new sheets you picked out haha I don’t care I didn’t pay for them
a million more I was just making sure we have plans tonight because I know you’re cuz you know I’m sort of OCT about germs trying to get over it but I’m still not cured
I thought I just was scanning ahead cuz I didn’t want to invade her privacy
by the way did you head back to the house cuz I was going to say if it’s easier that’s her
let’s say I was oh and my social security number as well yeah I’m almost home I was only going home to you no clean the shit stain
potato is that like a curse word no it’s okay well you can still do that now extra points that would have otherwise just gone noticed I don’t think that’s how cleaning up your own shit works
I think it’s better when nobody knows
does he know about this whole thing because it would make our text exchange a lot funnier if he knew if I knew he was covering for you because he was like being super bay it depends on when you talked we can compare timestamps okay
had we planned that we could have ended on a big thing like a lion coming out in a text or something cuz I’m like a like potatoes like a giant bean kind of
put the beans on a plant in the sunlight and then and it heals people it’s good for you but the potato system fucking gross piece of shit
giant Subterranean obese being covered in filth and warts
waiting to be dug up and turned into something better by anyone possibly with a knife
begging to be cut stabbed microwave potatoes and Seth Rogen what about the sausage party you seen this have you heard about this I seen the woods are alive
I got feelings and personalities but here’s music thing I mean toy store you get it it’s like these are things they’re made for children to enjoy and part of the love of the child bring the toys the life I get it but you have like lettuce that’s like a live in a potato that’s alive and hot dogs that are alive and bacon that’s alive but when does that happen I mean the lettuce is obviously always alive or whatever when does the bacon stop being a pig and becoming alive piece of bacon and is it before it’s sliced into bacon and yeah I went to when does that become sentient why isn’t the herbs and spices in the hot dog look like
I think it’s like a Rated-R comedy I’m sure they just make fun of that thing and then they they don’t explore and come up with a girl that’s just part of the conceit you going to accept it and I will not
shots fired sausage party a hand on her hip on a taco shell hip and it says she likes fish and beef
but she’s in heat the fish part is like it’s like they caught a fish taco right like so it’s like she’s eating out herself
I’m going to see if maybe you guys should go see it you know he’s worth billions of dollars
when we get on the podcast we were we were in a plane that goes like me to come Beyond Hermantown a lot of stuff going on I think you got to do it what is your career so awesome that you get Seth Rogen airport status when the threshold you hell yeah I don’t know I was going to say
I think I could probably like a threshold you crash right around Hughley level like maybe maybe like an old person comes and meet you at the gate and kind of takes you to a slightly shorter the line on the plane and I had to stop following him on Twitter cuz he just has like a little cottage industry of like retweeting stuff and then you click on the play bad jokes to my grave shift filled your screen like oh my God like the openly gay Sulu in that movie wasn’t he like mad about it but I don’t know even what you’re talk there’s a new Star Trek movie there’s a new Sulu he’s openly gay in the character and he doesn’t like it I don’t think
I played a character like why didn’t why you making him gay just like a nod to my sexuality is a real person cuz he had to be in the closet back then while he was like a huge star in that was like probably really unfair and painful so their minds are probably like this is sort of a little bit of a restitution you know it’s like tossing of the cat for an apology almost so I can understand how it is to heroes in that story and they’re both each other’s villains as the ass that’s just the world man that’s the world we live in limited for The Human Experience choose between public radio’s some democrat guy that was like pump and people up for Hillary Clinton and Hughes
he was like now I know our candidate isn’t perfect yeah but Trump basically is what he just scam that we’ve turned elections into how much you hate someone else and easy way to get nothing done because everyone is like oh don’t vote for that other person there’s always someone worse to vote for in fact there’s only one person that’s worse or better to vote for and it’s like you have to choose with crab smash my brains in with a hammer and I can only threaten suicide now verbally cuz it’s not probably not legal to say you want to kill someone else you know be taken seriously because there’s a lot of people to do
it wouldn’t be taken as a joke cuz I want to kill that person too but you’re not allowed to say it for that reason I mean other people like sex being like I kind of created Doonesbury many decades because they’re probably on effective level of like lower-level government here that’s probably very whether whether or not it’s better than most or not but it felt like maybe maybe the issues they have to deal with here are less like there’s a lunatic
in the white house he’s going to kill us all and more just like good prime minister no one’s going to ask for it to happen they had to make it up like you want to be governed the good thing you told me cuz I never would have
it’s not like I can come up with a rather hang out
and then I poop when I’m like who’s going to remove that somewhere to get that out of here I think he found out Capone’s vault I mean there is nothing in it but lack of materials
whenever I didn’t have I’ve run out of
did they cheat so you can I got home and I found some pet spray like some for carpets
for somebody who puts himself as often as you you should really have some staying stuff is Miracle I have the baby come out of the laundry in the laundry chilling in the laundry basket and I sent a little skid mark okay it’s like a little you know I just left
I coughed and I have been drinking Soylent a lot
is my girlfriend still out there as you can see just leave she’s just like she’s back in the Los Angeles that she did she did leave
a letter
it’s just for laughs letterhead that I can use to get back into America
I don’t know why I keep looking at this back though right like usually there’s just a bunch of ATM style machines right when you’re coming back I can’t remember now I’ve only done with these big ATM like that’s the American way it’s like don’t use like free paper and pens that you borrow from people by 18 $10,000 machines and just put them in a row and let them sort it out like 3 months back
tracking Global hegemony you guys are so smart
missiles what are your top fan smart have a big missile we are top four favorite provinces in Canada
it might have
I’m a I’m a cesco producer man
everybody says north of that is Peabody and Helmsman Helmsman Wichita I don’t know man it’s going to say it’s usually white it’s usually like this it’s like at the North Pole Penguins up there and Penguins and it was important
on the bottom
I’ve heard you guys don’t have any oil or freshwater do you I’m not asking for a friend
like this will not come back to bite you like just be honest how much oil in freshwater do you have
are you guys having a bad times economically to up here
no not really sounds like you have some kind of full spectrum
especially my father America’s fault but I’m sure I’m waiting on 150 Millions to blame
okay that didn’t like the defensive guys put grease out of business and now there’s like a swastika painted everywhere in Greece like their lives are banks closed if someone talk them into investing in a bunch of them or something I don’t know from nothing
that’s vodka all right I’m not spit let’s meet some aliens
you guys are so nice and polite and quiet that’s so nice if this was if this was Chicago and I said let’s meet some people are just here that and just start confessing to us about like their pornography because that won’t be entertaining like at Express them who here let’s see who here is an American what’s what’s what’s bring up while it’s just bring up somebody that’s having a having a hard time of it like comfort for some reason in particular you know that having a bad pretty bad day that made it here in spite of it in the middle
quebecois Seth Rogen
what’s your name sir JP all right thank you hey JC would you just different jump on
Montreal native
vitamin from Ottawa
I know it’s lovely lovely time would you like a cocktail with a bunch of touch to ice vodka and touch the ice and snow comes huh it’s kind of a model to show how make you blue get JP in March my girlfriend passed away
play the weirdest
I’m so how long ago did this happen how did the how long ago I’m sorry I didn’t get in March pulmonary embolism caused by MB otic fluid has no warning at all like I was pregnant just for Cherry Festival
holy smoke yet how old is a 32 just came out of nowhere without a crack in the veneer because it’s just it’s absolutely necessary you had to deal with it and you’re just you’re a brick wall right now try my best and so in terms of like do you do you keep to yourself to everyone is like flooding you with emails and phone calls and things you want to be alone it’s more or less I think what happens is that we have to work together like sort of it’s like a tsunami it just hits you and you have like no repair like you have no idea what’s going on you’re constantly surrounded by people and then after one point like everybody’s gone
why do you have your family or close friends but then you should have realized sort of the extent of the damage
meaning that that you said you was the tsunami was referring to a bunch of people flooding you with with indolence isn’t the condolences and also the fact like she passed away like it comes out of nowhere and it’s probably I would imagine it’s probably time to write so that just when you might actually need some like sympathy it’s time we did that just after everyone is kind of like okay I did my part yeah pretty much that’s pretty much as you what you awakened to this tragedy after your body has protected you through the numbness and stuff and you you you you regain sensitivity and then you’re largely alone and as you said you were surveying the damage like what is give us give us a detailed not about the that not about the event I think it’s 2-2 ghoulish to about the loss about the after afterward lake lake I don’t know paperwork or
like like like like like what is it when your married and then you lose your partner like what is the what is the worst like like non-emotional inconvenience
I can bring the paperwork is you have so much paperwork to feel like it’s amazing the insurance though for the hospital and everything everything you have to deal with it’s like it’s a Non-Stop barrage of paperwork and I snap a few times have people on the phone when at the field over near like all the other doctor needs to feel that stuff on I just called them up in like a motherfuker like for Justified minutes alone and that was just about to ask that before you said it like you must several times a day or week like you must just explode into a righteous outrage and because you’re talking to someone that’s just like do you have to fill out a z stroke 9 – 2 + 2 remind me to call like for example like I don’t know like her phone company in until they’re like tell them like we have to cancel her her contract and I don’t know what the reason she passed away and
like you just hear
their enthusiasm just drop a sort of like in the room when when I announced what happened like you dropping is a is a negative way of putting it I think that’s them like like opening up to you know they’re like oh I need to be I need to be on alert I’m not going to trample all around us might be careful now like 10 years did you have any do you have any moments when you do one of those snaps where you like shut somebody down or just like going to a Sam Jackson monologue dude dude dude dude do you have any memories of any like Choice singers that you on the phone
my favorite was mostly like people when they talk about in the
what kind of recall but it’s is such a blur right now but it’s mostly you later
I want to go do you say that happened March 7th walking around for a few hours before the show and if you do feel like sometimes you snap back out and you just relive the moment again and again and again like a friend or family member or you give like any circle of people that are like like says it has been like someone to totally rely on and very kind and I think them for doing that and I think his wife still allow him to sleep to spend some time with me and she was like super happy and you can have them. You can keep it formal as long as as long as you want I was like are you sure
this year are within within a year or so how many how many people out here have lost a loved one
you made you made people clap for that by the way
well I say
together
well they came to a comedy show they are probably looking forward to a little levity is it must be like lonely like not even though the sense that you lost a loved one but it’s a lonely experience that’s just not a bunch of people around you that understand what’s happening to you happens so it’s just the rug but I can’t imagine if somebody with a poop like that it’s looking it’s horrifying
what’s the thing that you put yourself into that what’s something that makes you really happy that you indulge in that kind of helps you stay can take your mind off of things like we would something that’s the habit or a or an Indulgence spending time with friends what do you do when you spend time with him just chat just chat and talk about stories about it her name is Maddie still just talk about Maddie and like stories and share share funny stories 24 hours just talking about her constantly we’re just let you and chatting about different things but at this point it’s all about remembering and stuff so you don’t you don’t play Minecraft
no my my my nephew he’s a big fat he’s a big player okay did he play with modpacks recently started playing with Modpack Feed The Beast mod packs I don’t know is he here tonight
is he in the ass cuz I have a feed the beast if you take an iron bucket up to an Ender IO deals with grief everybody I mean I have no idea how I’ll deal with that submitted to sit sterilizer actually that’s the denial about my denial about my denial of death like it hasn’t been put to the test at all yet and I did now I feel like there’s no wood to knock on and all the stuff and I just like yeah I can’t even have been so lucky and so like Untouched by that side of reality and I just can’t I can’t I’m going to I’m going to show the world the new definition of pussy when when anything bad happens to me like I
I will I’m going to be up on my roof wailing at the Moon six years
I felt like doing that sometimes I wish is there is there a way to do that are you do the therapists are they good two of them did they both know there is like keep them on their toes I like that one of them like I caught one of them crying and they lied about it like they their their eyes were watering I said why are you crying and they said cuz it’s such an emotional story and because it wasn’t like 20 minutes later the therapist said I’m sorry I feel really bad I had eye surgery recently cosmetic eye surgery to my eyes are watering so my instinct was to lie about it
okay I guess I didn’t. So go out there and be a good person then take two of these coffee in the morning sorry I just never went back anyways but the story to my new therapist laying down the law head and you better be good I saw like when he has that doctor come in and then give them craniac craniectomy cuz he’s got it like some kind of things like I’m like saw okay
there’s like nine Saw movies through my employer all right so now you stay here now
who’s having like a fantastic
what’s will go for
he’s moving down is still just instinctively applied Carson rules for the Ed McMahon on shity part of Texas west Texas Lubbock
you know the typewriter was invented in Texas sun right okay so why is why you so happy
so I’m actually here with my boyfriend it’s between our birthday so this was our birthday present diamonds on the 4th of August okay so you so so you guys have agreed to because your birthdays are relatively close you’ve merged them into a spy birthday birthday and he was
be here for his birthday so here we are specifically that was a lie
I’m sorry if you enough money see I actually I have a custom story so I met a man on World of Warcraft
and I’m sorry you met a man on World of Warcraft so he’s french-canadian and we decided to elope but when I came through customs they thought I was a mail order bride
because my ex-husband is much older than me and so they just put us through the wringer every time I went through customs like I get pulled aside with the immigrants for three hours and I have to wait they take me into a room and then Grill made this is Canadian customs by the way this is where you at Scott’s. You were marrying a medium to become a Canadian does that I don’t know what’s going to happen a lot in November there’s a black market you pay about $300,000 for the health care card because when you emigrated to the health care in cancer is so expensive to treat in the US that you come to Canada and it’s much more manageable and all you have to do is marry some schmuck and pain
answer so expensive place to get cancer what the fuck is wrong with the easiest place in the worst place in the wife is so it’s at that time we crossed with Customs it took us seven days and three attempts to get across the border to Canada so what is a failed attempt like they go like you’re at your hugest hugest you don’t love him you just want a Band-Aid and then they just they just around there’s like a hundred miles between the two Customs they turn you around you have to go back through US Customs and explain why you were turned around at the Canadian border
and that’s really awkward because when you come back through there like what the fuck are you doing here and then you’re like all well they turned us around there like really don’t like the second time it’s always the same cousins we try so the second time we came back over there like oh it’s you again and said they’re like don’t worry you know Canadian customs is really shity but you’re okay with us you’re always welcome back into the United States are you drug mule
but you’re in Montreal you can find something it’s not time consuming and it’s also very social so you spend a lot of time talking to people and you work together and raise and you defeat bosses and that’s very kind of dumb and down went well is but so I would spend probably 8 9 hours a night with this guy and my Guild’s doing raids and you just get to know a person over that time and we started talking on on MSN Messenger this was a long time ago to be mrs. Leeroy Jenkins
intelligent Thing by a loud bang and then it turned out that that was a bad idea
a divorce is a good thing like I changed I changed my position on this recently and it doesn’t have anything to do with marriage but not speaking about the marriage equality of it or especially calling my partner at all like putting a call about a side that idea of divorce it’s like really like shocks your system into letting go of a bunch of shit you didn’t know you were like I always have all these positions I didn’t even know I had a full life lately though I’m supposed to do that it’s not that I’m not necessarily going to do those things now I may get married and have kids or something like that but now I live in this world for my Midwestern like there’s not any like tapes that I’m playing in my head that I’m like following the soundtrack up and ends
like coming out of the closet must be for somebody who like comes out like because it’s like okay I’m not going to care as much about spilling drink anymore or I had to look at them but I had to tell everyone I invited to my wedding but it did thanks for coming in like witnessing Us in like what we talked about I would love we were in stuff in him that we were just kidding it was a fun party. Thanks for inviting me I like wearing my suit and then I can’t I do refuse to have a favorite color is so fucking dumb you know that you’re a fan of the show
John John John Philippe
what is your what is your reaction to it to happy people when you’re in this time of grief like do you do YouTube
did you see you secretly like there might have stopped but at one point you have to accept that that’s how life is that mine has temporarily stop that other people are allowed to have fun no two people are allowed to enjoy himself and eventually I will that is a has a double therapist
talking this guy’s got it was both Arrow
are you going to shows when you’re here. That’s the only one I should have had an app I should have had a material I am going to do you have like a rap beat but like a beautiful like a ballad kind of thing
yeah I don’t think it’s going to make John fully feel better but it may make Shana and I think Jean Philippe will secretly like that that’s my strategy yeah yeah
yeah yeah it back up hell yeah
boulet boots
Chappaqua
set
yeah jail
yeah yeah yeah shoes are skates
cold up here who are you in Canadian John I know they don’t have anybody survey are you mad about that now cuz I’m not Patty yo I love Canada talk to your mama so hard she had a handle on it so she could pull me into bed anytime she wanted instead of waiting cuz your mama don’t like to wait cuz she knows it’s great
welcome me into her bed I laid down so hard I’ve turned her into bread
View
did you pay Steve powder you don’t know anything about how bread gets me to you
yo that’s all right you don’t got to know nothing about nothing here we go here comes a rap I guess yo
in 2010 she was so horny I had to pay her if yen
she brought me to my knees okay
yeah okay we’re going to start over here we go yeah yeah yeah socialize again and I used a bus and a trolley to get there just because I’m Canadian and I fuck your mom canadian-style means they eat some bacon and some mayonnaise while I do it and then I do it again and again and again
mayonnaise and fries for the fries
what a sweet surprise your mama so hard at Browns at your thighs turned him into a trophy
had a cup of coffee
sunrise sunset again set my watch quarter past 10 metric systems better than feet and yards talked to your mama softer than hard
did it in the morning did it at night did it on a train all right Tina is in the house at halyna yeah don’t forget about Sean yo
change three to the Cheetahs the PE to the peach is a j you want what about me if you put my name with your PJs are on let’s dance for pajamas JP box all day long when he sitting at home and he don’t play Minecraft your mama trap he’s that French
but how freaky is JP yo-yo wrap with me going to wrap it a second. I said I’m up
courtesy Patrol good yo-yo
are you ready to wrap around my bed tonight
95
I mean
no wrong answers
that’s really good yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah born in Long John keeps break it in half, like veal that’s a baby calf
alligator in a restaurant fuck your mama in French she was old coronavirus and she had style on the run away but your mama in all of the right ways then I turn left David and I saw David Bowie looking at me with the three and he said he’s passed away is now
but it when he was alive he was a fashion icon
let’s get this okay all right but yeah yeah yeah
a joke about. Everybody likes to go to work by bus on car they know I’m going to throw it to you and then you know you do what you do and then you’ll do the the Rihanna hook okay okay yeah yeah yeah yo yo yeah yeah yeah what a country would have place to be but your mom is so hard she fell out of a tree
yeah I would the doctor fucking Marrone and word yah yah yah yah yah yah now we’re going to wrap for real it’s going to be good it’s on the microphone we’re going to wrap so he feels less a loan and its time of need with all his pills that he has to keep balance with the world is too real
when does John Grisham trying to remind you that nothing means nothing but fuck bitch jean-philippe is going to wrap for us and then we’re all going to buy him a drink and get on the bus go
America
yeah I didn’t think that I’ll be here right now French rap French rap
and I’m interested in a pee in the house the motherfuking him to the speed with the GP with the letter spelling everything and 10 for the meeting this mother fucker speak in Canadian
he came up here under duress and he trusts his pain and now he’s less stressed because I’m a miracle worker and now I saw all of his problems
yeah I saw your mom I have a crush
what’s wrong with my peas and carrots but your mama is in a Harem
that was a lot of wrapping right
I don’t know what you said but I it sounded like how do you wrap an in French
I think that might be our new slogan
how much time do we have left 5 minutes ago and really well new job that’s going really well and I work as a social media coordinator at a place called Blind ferret we do web comics and subscription boxes for comics and board games blind ferret ferret real well with peas and carrots
you should have got that question first here I go I hope I don’t show I’m so cool but I try to stay woke I’m a fat guy I’m a really big bloke there and when I just choked
may I interrupt you I actually made some posters would it be possible to get that son
Rick and Morty shirt I don’t have a pen that you see I can see them because I’m prepared for customs
hit you right in the hand
I try to be better yet
like what’s good standing in between this and a good show like like people going like that was a great show
what what’s up tell me what tell us a joke
that makes sense so that’s not that’s not an invalid request the kids and they kick it to the truck and I was like you know what I would do you know what fellatio is in the kid and says no and then the guy says you know what do you know what it do you know what time the kids says no and he says do you know what a pedophile isn’t he says listen Mister I got to tell you I’m not a real welder
that’s the word for perfume in a great time with the duck so it comes back the next day and he says I can I have the duck and I give him a penny and he said that’s great and they said they’ll be twice as much money as last time I forgot to mention the price and he says why and he said you they said because you haven’t gave you AIDS
cuz I was a different doctor they’re all identical you can’t tell which one has a different duck why couldn’t it have gotten AIDS
how fast do you think an age duck test is like like they have to get the send it off for the centrifuge and it’s like a budget so I’m telling you it was two different why would I lie I’m pretty sure but Jack has AIDS and you pocket you need eggs
everybody
did Maddie get a piece of wonderful Dude and didn’t deserve all that to happen we let it be
I’m just saying thank you so much