Episode
Episode: 279 – Oh Hitler, We Hardly Knew Ye
Description
It’s Oscar night! Dan discusses the current political landscape, the value politicians are bringing to the table, and where we should go next. Also, Spencer thinks the NRA has some dank ass memes. Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis, Spencer Critten…
Transcript
I’m fantastic Uptown Burbank
harmontown is now in session
I just named your kind of trouble and let’s bring up the game master X at ordinaire
Spencer Crittenden
the man with the sack
what you got in that bag
what you got in that bag Dyson Dyson books and I don’t know if you don’t know what’s in that bag no one knows the contents of the bag doesn’t change in oh
how about your mayor of Hermantown oh yeah
sensual hell yeah yeah
smooth yeah yeah yo supposed to give dogs around Oscar night the Showbiz is right the Limelight is out of sight
get out get in
the big sick didn’t win yo Oscar night it’s alright
it’s all right tonight cuz you got nominated so you’re a hero to us Kumail and Emily good job getting nominated and if you’re going to lose an Oscar lose it
to get out
that way if you feel bad you’re racist
ask your dad’s out of sight Limelight red carpet Delight with the paparazzi is inside take a picture with me my name is
Jimmy Kimmel you see this did he hosts yes I do okay and great that’s good I’m sure he did a great job yo ask your night is rapping
Florida project wasn’t there except in the form of Willem Dafoe did he win I got the two nose
it’s going to be a firefight on Oscar night with the Willem Dafoe not Willem dafriend his daddy what you think about the shape of water I saw that space I wouldn’t let him near my daughter he’s got a crazy fish dick okay bring out to the glitz and the glamour I asked the question who has a date with Oscar just so you know a little behind the scenes although we like to let the magic be magical but because so many people put so much work into it or are Oscar episode is always you know we start in February like early February her seen as soon as the nominations are announced we start writing our sketches
we already know we we we we we wrote three sketches for most of the categories but as the results come in we’ve got little comedy sketches that we’re going to do what do you think about Salma Hayek
wardrobe malfunction dress I thought it was a little too far
in which direction I thought I thought I thought it was a little risque but you know what you go Selma
Hugo Selma what did you think of Salma Hayek’s a tire that was tasteful oh okay was it okay well bad guess on my part then but who is Maya Rudolph who is the chick that was with Maya Rudolph
Tiffany haddish
fucking hilarious they should host all the Oscars from now on they were fucking hilarious
but yeah they came out with her heels off and they held them that I fuck this shit and they were Maya Rudolph is wearing like a swing like a giant red snuggly as you look great and I’m not talking shit you look fantastic but she did not play ball like in the Oscar fashion she did her own ship and they were way funnier than everybody else and make no offense of Jimmy Kimmel he’s doing a good job as far as cuz we only watch probably what the third of it Church before he was doing a good job but Maya Rudolph and
how to
that’s what he said how do you say her name Tiffany haddish
well I’ll have to check it out I was a little disappointed I got to be honest with you that
what’s your name from church and blanken
you have to give more more of a clue lady bird
why can’t I remember her name ever Laurie Metcalf is one of my favorites that her name is always a good fucking blank for me she’s going to be a camper that was so good and she did not win best supporting actress other I thought she might have said the results are still coming in I take it oh yeah the best picture hasn’t been announced but but get out make your call because it has that that will be the last thing of a puppy having an hour from now like my gut says get out I mean but I don’t really know how the Oscar voting works I mean I know that it’s like you know it’s it’s a lot of pictures of a lot of Ages about yardage sometimes you sometimes you made based on well it’s a liberal Pollock political like easy darling like like that it’s it’s Hollywood it’s getting a bit but then every bit you know look let’s face it like something like get out you could find the line with in Liberal Hollywood Elite like they’re the baby boy
where’s the probably dominate The Academy probably made might have watched get out and been like I don’t I don’t like that I would have thought that shape of water was going to win the church that there’s a beef about
we’re going to talk but getting
he asked you a question and then halfway through your answer that what you’re going to have to talk like that that’s money out of our pocket anyway
you’re you’re telling people to not subscribe to wash it
Kizi
all right stream it’s church with the Oscar data
what type of what type of shape of water what’s the what’s the base there was food for plagiarism is a lawsuit that brought got brought up by the inheritors of the rights to a play like the kids is this guy is play write about them lifting it seems like most of the story from this place oh it’s a it’s a Fishman there’s a girl who works as a maid in The like the the lab where they’re keeping the fish man in the play there’s even a scene where the cat’s head gets locked off in this play so there’s and those are just the examples that were given in this article about it and they’re kind of accusation wasn’t this lawsuit timely right when the Oscars are happening
and their response back was that’s Ludacris you know we have a case and it’s coming up because your film came out and then was that they were some kind of like weird like that to get the money or whatever by trying to hold the the film hostage like it might jeopardize whether or not it could win things like best screenplay for example
Oscar flavor to me shape of water anyway you know right what what does for you want that to win but I honestly Florida project it didn’t get it didn’t get nominated for anything except Dafoe and then like I what else was there it’s just like the posted it and we we know my feelings about that and three Billboards bounds so I did but I didn’t I love ladybird I love ladybird the only thing I saw that seems like a shoo-in is is is get out but shoe-in is like with giant request cuz it’s not what I’m talking about popularity contests were also not talking about like a craftsmanship like fries Emily and Kumail did not win from a screenplay but it’s awesome that Jordan
pill 1-4 get out that’s that’s amazing yeah I mean obviously it’s more of a tragedy for us cuz Kumail and Emily are family so we’d rather they win but yeah if you’re at least they didn’t lose to something that we also hate us just tweeted they came in second place I mean I have to honestly it’s like the 8th it is an honor to be nominated it is enough I mean I’m sure it’s a bummer to not win. Just something that people say you can wear that that title for the rest of your life your oscar-nominated so-and-so forever or you want an Emmy for writing about the Oscar yeah and monster house was nominated for an oscar but that wasn’t an honor
so maybe Camille and Emily are really bummed out to hell yeah but I don’t think it’s an animated film over a certain budget like it it’s it didn’t feel like it didn’t they take their house but as much as get written by somebody I got to hand it off to another writer or no oh well yeah it wasn’t like for best screenplay anyway it was but nominated for best animated feature or something I think is there Emily or Camille tweeted like I would happily lose an Oscar to Jordan Peele for the rest of my life and I think that he means that what she means that it’s a good year to get nominated in that category and and not win because you can you can save the rest of your life the competition was incredibly stiff
Fitbit the best original screenplay category I’ve always said is is curiously seems immune from any kind of like corruption or or value drift that you could accuse the Oscars of ever having like I’ve always felt like the original screenplay nominees and winners are pretty like I don’t remember ever going to let you know like it it’s it’s it’s it seems like people have a head on their shoulders about it or maybe it’s just like an easy thing to to go out of that movie was very written I don’t know I like that Dunkirk one like the one we stopped watching it late already run three Oscars for sound design sound editing and editing
and I got like that’s like Star Wars and baby driver didn’t win those things normally like it’s like a Transformers that wind sound design that makes a bunch of noise of a horrible shit like I I like that they left it to like a movie that just told one very simple story I’m only going to say it one more time at the Oscars are over
if you’re a director and there’s more than three kids in your movie that are on screen for more than a half-hour you should automatically be nominated as a director if that’s why I feel the Florida project was snubbed and then you count Willem Dafoe in there who is a very talented actor but as we’ve seen from his Hooves he doesn’t come to set ready to ground it you know like like Nicolas Cage he’s perfectly capable in the right hands of of of being a Stradivarius but he will just show up as GarageBand if if left unchecked and the crew here like keep us posted who wins best actor
because I don’t want it to be Gary Oldman for his impression of Churchill I don’t want that to happen put a pin in that we’ll get back to that what what was the what was I time you up for did it did the director of I Tonya get nominated I don’t know and she was great she’s fantastic but those are the two directors to me for a project person and I tiny person can’t remember either their names but I would if I was a betting person like betting on
links and contribution of careers to come like I would put a lot of money on those two I think those movies were outstanding demonstrations of pretty specifically Direction I think that I think the directors get ripped off a lot of the Oscars because it’s hard to I think that I’m going to probably get a bunch of tomatoes thrown at me but a lot of like provocative things to say but I think actors control the academy and actors don’t go to to them directors are like these assholes that tell you what to do but to be fair when the director fails no one will ever know that they’ll just see shity performer their performances out of the actors to so they kind of take the fall when it is much as getting all the kind of glory and attention and and having all the focus put on the acting definitely like an actor’s event I just feel like
if you ask a writer who’s a good director the writers going to have an answer that has something to do with like you know how they affected that person script and also that writer is going to is there going to be Far From The Trenches and able to observe it kind of rational E-Z if you asked other directors directors are going to go course I vould my God I couldn’t have gotten that performance out of that cat or the gate you know that that that was beautiful that that that shot in the day this was I I know what goes into directing a bubble us but if you ask an actor I feel like they’re so close to it that that that I feel like I got to hate to offend my actor friends but I I feel like an actor in general as like a biomass like an actor would go oh who’s who’s the best director they did very few takes and they let me go home on time
but I think one of my understanding of how like at least the nomination process works is that it’s like the previous winners from your category so it’s like the other directors who won best director or is it the other job is to like watch all the the the things that are not like they want to consider for that category and then they decide who’s not May so like my friend it was my friend Michael Danna who explain this to me cuz he was like I got to watch all these movies and decide who to nominate for the best score best original score because now that he had one for Life of Pi he was now on that panel to make those decisions so your job is to listen to everything and decide okay these are worthy of nomination these are not so then you narrow it down and then everybody vote is my understanding
now everybody gets to weigh in I kind of wish my mother. Her peers in your craft all the way to the house because that way you wouldn’t have this potential value drifted mean it would be only to the extent that the definition of good directing ever changed you know then that would change like it really it really seems like that would be attending imagine Lee honor that that would be too you’d be like holy shit like Scorsese and such an honor to be nominated though that you’re actually getting from other people who you’ve looked up to for so many years and aspired to be like it and not the wind so scared Marisa tomei’s watching I say we go around the room right now and see who can do the best bad Churchill become Churchill
I don’t start with Jeff
by All Star
legal aid
that’s me doing Gary Oldman as Churchill
I mean I don’t
is Iron Man coming out in a state of nature
F treasure
you’re a bitch
I was like a womanizer right or like a woman beater partial partially Church also what when are you bringing him get you should be the best of this
hell yeah when we were not say Heroes
that’s a direct quote what is what is your beef I understand the movie was it you really think that was a very old was doing a bad job and I think I’m not a big Gary Oldman that I think I use one of our great over after I just thought that movie where the it was a movie about making one speech and that they ramp it up and he made from speech and then the movies over kind of interested I agree with you not an exciting movie and I’m not saying this is a mitigating Factor but it is interesting when I watch they’re like wow so this is the guy that’s famous for all those quotes like if you swing a cat and a quote and the movies just about and that’s all he ever did he just ran his mouth but he changed history running his mouth but it doesn’t particularly interested
when is the movie I was surprised at the end of the movie when I go what what just happened that goes He mobilized the English language and took it into battle which is a great line but that’s what my page one like it’s like vanilla loud mouth because he was half American and his mother was an American and they kind of got this sort of that kind of like foldouts spoken like it’s saying that movie many people or did not like Churchill you ended up being a huge hero especially to Americans Courtney Aaron Sorkin but I think if if I if I work at a gun turned on me and like you going to write the Churchill biopic I having found out to research what that movie reveals which is that there’s not a huge Ark for this guy at cetera and he didn’t do a lot but it was very important just blew my gland would then go okay
let’s talk about his wife’s and lets you know that relationship cuz I thought that you know those scenes were touching and you could tell those were based on either internal notes or Studio notes the need something until the end of one or two scenes with the wife where you’re getting to know Churchill the the Aging lover Churchill the the baby that needs his diaper changed but acknowledges is his wife is his mommy and Churchill’s wife the dutiful you know the woman has no name kind of like a selfless the politician’s wife going to think I would dig deep for anything there and just figure out a three-act structure like have them have a fight on page 70 and then have him kiss her on page 95 because that World War 2 story
is Churchill I thought was really listened Churchill
the only thing we have to fear is that a circle
the fear one of the stick when those are Roosevelt
it is it is a circular mouth
where did Churchill say that
I believe in this realm
I believe in the Thailand I thought you were giving me music I was trying to give you the Jurassic Park theme isn’t working tonight when I look out at those white house has been spotted Dick’s that make up the coastline of this historically impenetrable aisle
I ask myself
what will the man be who gives it up
the answer is
a pariah
he will be forever Unforgiven I’m so I sent you the House of Lords and the commoners and the third parliament of Groundlings we was coming together in the opposition
for the great
this country has never surrendered we were at Stonehenge
we were at Westerville
portals for Lifetouch
come on the weekend
say to you
English
no fear dinosaurs what did he do the English language or so your version of
Winston Churchill thought he was John Lithgow
he became he found out who he was you know
he’s true to himself but I think it’s funny how they but they are the most devastating scene in that movie is the phone call and it calls calls Roosevelt Lake
crimes of airplanes and tanks and then and it’s just like that this is like it’s like any phone call from any decade with in any relationship which is like it’s just heartbreaking like someone just blowing someone off but it’s like
call me back yeah I must have been the British don’t hate us a little bit more because they lost their empire like we’re about to like they lost their swag I mean doesn’t and that when you get angry but they didn’t have the army or the Armada is to back that up but they can be as angry as they like how come the story of how come everybody just goes along with the story of us being swell and dandy better handling of World War I finally did step in it it it saved the day I mean isn’t that something that an asshole does it in a situation where they could observe that it’s like if I just wait a little longer you know I’ll be a real hero here like we waited too long twice so we could have save them early in both world wars we were like Gandalf with the Eagles ocean
like what the fuc Yeah the whole goddamn time Roosevelt was trying to dig the country out of the depression and the country didn’t want another foreign war after World War one and it was a really unpopular ideas who’s holding off holding off holding off holding off doing this is it I recall that is something that we like like we did and the revelation of how much Holocaust thing was happening was kind of like at the end but I figured that out when we got there they were rumors right because people had fled as when you leave out the power all talked about World War II but when you just look at it minus that it’s just a giant War over in Europe and they’ve already done one of those and so okay we’re here on the other side of the Atlantic which was a way
record deal before the internet and so yeah okay I guess I just thought like that they’ll work it out maybe Hitler will be a great European Chancellor and will will sell him steal and people loved him at first they were doing a great job of repairing Germany in the first few years it’s when they started conquering everything and everyone around them that you’re maybe we need to call for backup
oh shit ler Hitler
we hardly knew ye
I think our problem is we never really got to know Hitler right we were we didn’t give him a chance
yeah I was surprised if I watch The Conspiracy thing on Netflix and I was kind of surprised
at how
How likely it is that Hitler faked his death straight narrative with no conspiracy theories at all like the actual mainstream like this is what’s supposed to have happened he shot himself in the head and the Eva Braun took Cyanide and then the Germans doused his body with gasoline and set it on fire and a shallow pit and then covered that up with dirt and didn’t tell anybody where it was streets and he’d heard about it and didn’t want his body to be mutilated and not be able to like the tortured he should be like a mutilated and like like just burned to a cinder they shouldn’t have the body to be able to hang up on you know
and now let me let me let me run this by you my little my little historians Hitler shoes they’re in the bunker like okay so he’s he’s that worried about his courts being defiled and that he’s going to say to somebody hey Todd, I’m going to go after I do you hear a pop
my wife will have white foam coming out of her mouth don’t try to resuscitate her you might die he shot her and then himself to do me a favor
do me a favor
I got I’m planning ahead here I’m at the point where I’m going to blow my brains out but I’m thinking this much ahead like about what’s going to happen to my body so I submit to you
if he’s thinking that much ahead you know it’s only a little bit further ahead to go hey Todd who’s that guy what was his name of the Christmas party everybody’s joke and he put the electrical tape on his lap in their face like he looks just like me oh great yeah it accounting you do me a favor bring them down here and and Cynthia from from HR person like us and this is the conspiracy theory is that they did a little switch-a-roo and Hitler went out the back door when she very well but it’s not like he was trapped in his bunker it was possible I mean it it it it seems like a thing that a spoilsport would do before he was like oh I won’t let you destroy my corpse up
the Nazis who built secret tunnels everywhere and always had all kinds of exit plans and made like dances and Spain so that they could go through different countries and then the Nazis who did escape to like Argentina during the handful of years we were at War I’m finding out that you were diverting Revenue to such causes is trying to sell a German Shepherds head on to a human body or finding out it for the devil’s real and maybe we can summon him take anyone’s word for it that way cuz we are bosses over there the pity looks like a skeleton with a mustache on it but it’s totally him I’d be like okay not see if you see a skeleton that was apparently burned
what was his mustache made out of and here’s the thing like I guess select the leaders of the time they were all all of the world leaders were like yeah I’ll believe it when I see it like it was kind of like an open thing of people feel like oh yeah Hitler’s dead yeah right
yeah but he was or Hitler sightings even all over the United States like once people realized what happened and that they didn’t really have a body you start hearing all over the world people make a stop at all they saw Hitler over by the pool they sell them everywhere but they did they did find like a dental that job own that they said that the Russians the Russians are the ones that finally verified it but they took so long it’s almost like that’s another it just becomes more suspicious I’m not usually a conspiracy theory guy because I think it’s freezing there either cheating cuz you you just raised questions and and and now more than ever we all were I feel like there’s no such thing as conspiracy theory
speaking of conspiracy theories at Alex Jones is is he has he been deleted from you to hear that’s a conspiracy they’re using it as a way to earn money be like YouTube taking us down and only you can give us money to stop it and then YouTube’s like we don’t care we fucking love Nazis they take delete delete him from YouTube or not as far as I understand
there are what is the what’s his name Paul Joseph Watson that that he’s a real piece of shit but he apparently admitted he was like no it’s a fucking or just using it to get a lot of money its third are YouTube’s fine but it’s best I think it legal to do to say hi to have to be at this point just because now we’ve we’ve just hit the bottom with these the way they were treating these high school kids that are bothering after I mean 20 years that they weren’t alive when Columbine happened and then this happens in their school
I don’t give a fuck what these kids think is the appropriate response I’m certainly behind them like no one’s done anything for them it’s like it’s we’re treating them like chickens in a fucking factory farm we’re like we’re like a treadmill headed towards statistical likelihood of mass death and and and the golf anybody to say to a 16 to 17 year old kid who’s was going to go you know what I Hail Mary it maybe if instead of going home and shivering under my bed and weeping I say some shit and politicize this Me Maybe is that something will change how do you how do you how do you fuck with that kid like even if you are evil like just like
what the fuck do I get to it’s crazy we so far below rock-bottom at that point where people are just like
questioning these kids and making fun of them and like at scrutinizing that I’m in not just a conspiracy theorist but really the more vile of the characters are the are the people that are like politically combating them and like going toe-to-toe with them with a witty repartee this is a child what the fuck I beat the horse bloody wee-wee ceremoniously ritualistically stripped Katie Rich SNL writer was off-duty and made the joke Barron Trump’s going to be the first home school shooter it’s not even a joke that has to do with it it’s it’s a it’s a it’s a joke it was a joke about how that poor kid has the worst family ever and it is never going to have a normal life and
and in this orgy of we won and we’re taking over the world like Katie Rich was taken to a stake and she was tied to it and she was set on fire and she was burnt slowly and as far as I know she’s still laying low and it during death threats and and whatever I don’t know if she’s recovered or whatever it I know she never got her job back at ass and now I know that they never even give you the honor of telling her he was officially fired they just suspended her and then told her she wasn’t coming back like like we all took part in that because kids are off limits
because it would it comes to joking around we got one rule but when it comes to blowing people’s bodies across the floor we got no roof. It’s fucking and it doesn’t even mean anything to say the words it’s insane anymore we’ve been saying it’s insane the word insane means nothing did you hear that there is that kid in 7th grade who is going to shoot up the school but he went into the bathroom and killed himself into that instead it’s getting to the point where we have to ask the mass Shooters to like solve their own end of the problem I literally no one else can do anything so if you’re going to shoot up a school why don’t you kill yourself like that that’s where we’re at in society is like the people who are willing to commit mass murders are like no this is it this is actually crazy that I’m allowed to do that right there beside his let this happen in these kids like
you know if you’re having thoughts that you’ve never had before your body is surging with hormones your you you have god-knows-what going on like like please just talk about it like don’t hurt yourself don’t hurt other people just talk to someone about a talk to someone you can trust to use your hotlines like you know we we try to handle these kids with care when it when kids do something wrong we try them in a different Court we the idea is it before a certain age your your neurology is forming and we were supposed to be protecting you get it it’s it’s it’s insane that this is Up For Debate now it since it’s insane that that grown-ass adults are are having like fucking weird flame Wars with recent survivors of massacres who are not old enough to vote yet and we’re just saying maybe if I say so I just can’t I’m going to I know that we all feel this way but
what like how much further do we need to go before the Moral Majority
the unfortunate borrowing of a different groups title but this silent to fucking normals
the relatively sane of us how much further are we going to get before we go the rules are done now they don’t have rules maybe it’s like the third of the population that’s just never votes because they don’t believe in the system but I actually start the whole thing out
I I I I I stand where you stand the non-voter a disenfranchised person person who doesn’t think that anything but like okay but you got to agree with me now right there is a difference between watching A system that is fucked up and rolling your eyes at it and watching children be abused like there’s got to be a difference they say there’s got to be a point where an end and I guess it’s not only do we have to stop playing by the fucking rules that we made up and they’ve never followed but we’ve got to stop bitching at each other we got to stop minding our fucking language with each other we got to put that shit on hold as a study just released it like that not shocking to me at all that the average African American family in fifty years has made absolutely
no progress in terms of of anything that actually making median income is projected to be $0 deductible and it’s it’s fucking that should be a huge wake-up call for us we started trying to fix these problems by minding our language in the 90s and we had that wave and then it subsided always think people are laughing all the way to the bank when we ignore the fundamentals of behavior and class systems and things and and we got we are we have fallen for the oldest trick in the book when we when we are standing at a at a protest with each other and someone uses the wrong pronoun and we get in a fight with them instead of fucking facing off with the fucking people with babies skulls on their helmets who are laughing at us because they have lost their souls to apathy they have lost their souls to two choices they made
long ago that if they unmake them now they be twice as humiliated as if they just went to hell and died in the not in that order I am a God bless you and your fucking microaggression what watch dogging at it’s not that anyone wants your Humanity to be divested but can’t you see that we are divided and the bad guys aren’t like can’t you chant you prioritize chant you say first of all
Nazis are bad second of all killing children is bad third of all this fourth of August 5th of August 6th of all this and by the way don’t call me that it bums me out now that we’re fucking friends because we have to be or we’re going to die or put it this way if you’re cynical because I don’t want you to have to make a choice let’s put it this way since we’re going to die
what’s died France what’s daikool what’s die arm-in-arm
some of your fellow Liberals are stupid a good 85% of them some of your friends that you’re going to rely on as this ship goes down our are going to are going to put their foot in their mouth didn’t grow up the same way you did they don’t know all their p’s and q’s they’re going to put their elbows on the table like you have got to draw stick heavy line somewhere in your own brain that separates that doofus who’s a fixer upper for a later date or a side projects along the way from the fucking thugs The Barbarians the murderers they have targeted us they’re trying to kill us
they want us dead
they have looked at the numbers and they’ve decided that democracy doesn’t work for them because democracy doesn’t work for the people that have more money than everyone they want us to die because if we keep being more than them and Alive they lose the popularity contest they want lead in your water they want guns in your schools they want you arguing about whether or not your jacket is racist with the person in the same income bracket is you whose kids are in the same schools as yours yours who are just as much at risk of the next mass shooting I just don’t like white why can’t we why can’t we hire Arctic Lee just go while I’m in the American League
turn off brother I’m on the Brewers like illegal AK and I don’t like the other baseball team cuz I got to play them for the tenants or whatever the fuck I do isn’t there isn’t a fucking natural thing with the human brain didn’t do or you’re like well there’s a giant teams Good vs Evil what is evil people who did not have your best interests at heart people who don’t believe in the species people who think you that we are in the way people who want pain and suffering to occur if it’s a choice between that and then getting something like a microwave I like bad people
do you know what evil is
you seen it like a 888 happens in the gaps between our choices it is it it’s not a it’s a black cloud it overtakes you if you leave a vacuum where you’re so supposed to be it answers you and you do its bidding you you it it’s it’s it’s you that there are some people that have been overtaken by this and their families have been overtaken by it and maybe there will be casualties and it is it a war between good and evil but if you’re good
you got even hope that they’re redeemable little love the fucking other good guy in the cockpit next to the Millennium Falcon
get your shit together America
I just don’t I just when we got we got to this wait wait it says it right this is the road flare right there kids it’s a repeat for anyone my age you know what this is it’s a repeat of Columbine we are all ashamed was blood is on our hands we saw this happen it’s as if God picked the body count so we can wake up like a goat, this is identical everything else is changed
I know I’m a blockbuster closed
because video tape doesn’t work anymore as an industry but you can kill the same number of kids with the same device that just as easily and there’s just as little legislation of the way that’s a good guys should be the ones at the most ashamed about this because we haven’t fucking done anything we haven’t laid down a railroad tracks yet
and when you
are a family or a Survivor or could you come on like the TV and say something there is a platform of people that go your your actors that you’re being paid just like Sandy Hook they were all the crisis actor accusations around Sandy Hook and then there’s like these like me or whatever that are above them that are like it’s a conspiracy but I’m just saying like these kids sure are sure happy in the spotlight
the children in your country they were not safe do you want to talk about the world laughing at us
what are you doing what the fuck country can you go to where children are this unsafe it is crazy and I mean let’s not forget not just these guys are actor as in aren’t they looking happy but hey you should be killed you should fucking die I hope your whole family dies you should die go to hell I will kill you which is a bit farther than I just the sky I saw in California
you know we all that crap the kids are getting death threats from their family is everyone that’s great but he his reaction was to say
look at how disrespectful these children are talking to Marco Rubio look at how disrespectful they’re being the adult lamps like I don’t think that it’s one person making this argument either it’s a lot of people raising that question the Denson and then some guy did a poll about it which was like okay well how many people want their kids talking to adults like this and it backfired because everybody was like oh if my kids talked like this I’d buy them a car online end and Massacre or not who the fuck cares who talks to a senator like a piece of shit that every single one of them are by virtue of the vocation they chose occupation of politician your human garbage get used to it and don’t fucking with expect to be worshipped you’re a fucking piece of shit believe me the job comes with perks now eat my fucking shit and get back
work representing me royalty what we should do now is it like what’s 40% of our country just thinks that the president is a king the office not even just the guy that’s in there now but we just we just we just tend to look at this is like a popularity contest and then your prom King of the country we should do we should now if we’re going to save our country we should we should do this. Cole thing where we emulate England make the office of President a symbolic title for a person that can go around the earth waving their hand in a weird way saying funny things in meetings and making big blustery speeches about what we stand for well a fucking person that went to law school or a group of people that knows how to run anything it can actually keep the country from
from from going bankrupt
like we just need to we need a prime minister we we think we can call it a secretary of leadership someone who will never surrender
I’m sorry to everyone listening who’s only feeling the same thing and it said it a thousand times and it’s not like I’m doing anything different I it was either this or I was just going to Esau sleepy I was at the top of the show I’m sitting I’m sitting on a fucking chair I’m sitting in a lot of anxiety and sadness there’s only one thing to talk about and it and it makes one sad so okay we’ll talk about the Oscars and I’m just like
I just don’t I just don’t have the energy for it I don’t I I I I want to go back in a time machine to the to the point where I don’t know when it was 2003-2004 one I don’t know when I when I started thinking of maybe I could care about this
species like instead of just shutting the whole thing and I just want to undo that mistake but I can’t I have formed a relationship with your obnoxious moronic half-ape species that that that doesn’t the dumbest shit I just like I just like I all of my money is tied into yours might my survival a guy I didn’t dig a hole in 2002 and liked it it make a batcave like I should have I didn’t let him Focus all of my energy and being completely independent of you idiots
but because I didn’t can’t you just can’t you get your fucking figure it out can’t you like touch a Model S and like evolved like like or do something
300 million of us and what is the solution to making such an ass of ourselves
our kids did their kids their kids
like where you were if we’re eating our own children were devouring them we’re exceeding them into this blender it’s it’s like we don’t we is bad enough 20 years ago it was like oh we started like worshipping the sexuality of fourteen-year-olds but more than we cared about the wisdom of a forty-year-old liquid capitalism going to Capital I like but it’s now we now we’re just we’re just eating flesh were just like worshipping a golden calf and just fucking eat and eating flesh and fucking the Whitehall and it doesn’t but it’s like we have we are we are we are like guys don’t make me
don’t make me hide
tell me big dig a hole and hide
I’m five years from retirement get your shit together I’m actually I mean as much as I go through like every thought that you’re having a tack on a daily basis right now I was feeling a lot more hopeless before these kids did start speaking up course and they’re really inspiring right now and they’ve given me hope for the future but I didn’t have because I was really worried about the the Next Generation coming into adulthood and voting cuz it’s right around the corner for them and if the rest of the teenagers of America are cutting through the bullshit as easily as these kids then we might actually be okay
I’m not so convinced I just think you know they’re excited now but it’s not about being silent now it’s about being willing to do very boring tedious time-consuming stuff for the course of several months three years from now you know and that’s an me things that while all this awesome Progressive revolutionary activist movement is happening among high school kids there is a bunch of other kids who are going to perfect the art of Being fascist and and perfect the art of running for office and being more subversive and and like Donald Trump as a low-level fascist he’s a he’s a he’s a clumsy like shity Sideshow version of of a Mussolini
this is some young girl or boy in in school if I want to be president and be a horrible corrupt piece of shit all I have to do is pretend to tell the truth and more awful shit is too, by far there’s no way that Trump is the end of the road on we had we made a boo-boo America we had a bad president we’re going to the next one’s going to be so much worse and we going to have to outgrow the idea that the office of presidency means anything at all it’s a stupid clerical office it shouldn’t be a celebrity gig on the idea that we need leader is is an idea that we’ve decided that we’re going to be ancient Rome the Republic must die so we can start worshiping dictators
the world is turning towards autocracy all over the world the next generation of autocrat and oligarchs are going to be ours when we are children born in the fucking Crucible of these fucking high school shootings and shit we just proven to ourselves that democracy is awkward and untenable and the simpler thing is dictators rule which is why goodness can’t be Shackled by politeness they can’t be Shackled by anything because the only chance that we have and I don’t want to talk about in terms of chances because the funny thing that happens is when you know we all we also don’t want to lose that we want to protect ourselves and that’s how I third of us end up siding with apathy and entropy again I just want to say to those people
how about this how about we’re going to lose how about we’ve already lost now the call to action to you is how do you want to go out
do you want to kill a bunch of kids
do you want to roll around in a pile of money that doesn’t matter because it’s all ending or do you want to find your style find your voice emerge from your defensive self protective shell of apathy so that you can be right about everything because yeah everything always falls apart if you stand back and say that I was that person to I still am that person I’m saying like now is that it feels like it’s really getting close to the end like for sheets and giggles
let’s try some shit I don’t know what that means but but I take these kids like the next generation is
what church is saying is that steep God we actually see that you could shoot up a school in the kids that survived can actually turn out to have presence of Mind concern for their fellow man is apparently forgiveness of the system that led them to the swatter enough if they bother to try to reach out to it they didn’t alternate a little Hitlers they didn’t all turn into little Beavis and buttheads they didn’t turn into little Sid Vicious as they didn’t turn into a little Rick Sanchez’s a handful of them at least turned into little the activist activist and end and we need 20 of them for every one of these people that Jeff talking about because of course they’re going to buy everybody that grows up in this new world is going to like it yeah I did at the high IQ fascists are coming and they’re going to have to see on March 24th in March for allies
. there are more teenagers on board with this movement that are not and I think that that’s what we’re going to say I think that it’s going to be I hope that it’s going to be huge but already you know I mean kids are being told they can’t go in protest that you’re going to get in trouble if you go in protest cuz you’re going to skip school or whatever and kids are saying fuck you and so people are trying to keep these kids who want to join in the fight from doing it by saying follow the rules and they’re not following the rules one of these kids and you can hear me like he just yet you can’t you can’t listen to any of us you can’t it’s because even telling you this is us the one thing you should do is get co-opted by anybody because that’s that will happen if you never stopped at Baldwin then you become successfully just miserable as a pain like somebody if somebody starts funding you
hold it one of your meetings where you’re planning a March or something then the enemy gets to rightfully say will these aren’t real kids
they’re so fucking assholes right there there there they would these kids don’t skip school what we can do it on a Saturday afternoon my name is Mister Hendershot I’m the kind of the 48 year-old liberal that’s going to like help you out thanks for thanks for having an amazing concept 16 year old speaking up wow what’s use that to get Maxine Waters elected like I just don’t trust anybody kids like I did cuz it won’t it doesn’t matter if their hearts in the right place or not your power right now is that you’re all that we have left your power is that we is that you’re supposed to be off of the Monopoly board and end the end the game has become not a game anymore and you’re the only thing that can help us the pressure out what was supposed to the I call BS girl’s name she has way more followers on Twitter than
the NRA and she is what is 17 18 years old and the NRA has memes to do to be able to beat back the internet has dank ass memes bro there’s a show titled and them in the face of a massacre and now she’s going to be held to a horrible scrutiny of like the Gulf of asshole men and like men’s rights activists in all this shit and are a fucking Looney Tunes like
she now it like her life is now having to be famous for speaking up but also I think it’s crazy that the idea that we have to worship leaders it and if any kind like what would I say poor all that energy into protecting these kids and it and it really has to be literally protecting them it can’t be helping them at her shielding them because it it it it it’s good to be disenfranchised by politicians and this is what happens to a society and in total crisis is that it’s like it’s like these kids are going to
either be eaten alive it which case the dragons going to get even stronger and it’s we’ll just look at it as a Children’s Crusade loses the final death throes of of Sanity we sent our children marching into into The Fray and then because we were we were out of soldiers dogs were sent to him them and it was like major turning point in these these poor kids before anyone on 45 and I’d have I don’t have a bone in my body that’s prepared to make a sacrifice and these kids are 16 and they they they have to endure an actual Christ myth like they have to actually a tone with in with some fucking crazy Garden of Gethsemane impersonal force that answers by not answering when you say take this cup away
IAA they have to March forward to golgota knowing that there is no bucking like celebration at the end of it
they got it that day that is likely it’s only going to be abuse as like your childhood taken away from you
IAA if we if we care at all we have to do whatever this means figuratively we have to just gather around them in a giant bubble at with our backs to them facing outward while they do whatever they want to do until they drop dead from exhaustion and any bullet fired their Direction figuratively or literally hits one of us and that’s what we have to do that’s what’s up that’s what’s up on us in the face of this if we care I don’t know what that means I don’t know how that actually physically if you think expresses itself I don’t know what to do I just feel like I just I just want these kids to understand like that you know
sorry like you lately Good Start sorry that our football team so shity that you’re on the field with no equipment
and the ball is spiraling in the air and there’s 400 linebackers headed towards you about football
but she just works corner but but I put a but I do know either either by virtue of the fact that we were we were never going to win or by virtue of the fact that this is the only way we’re going to win the this is this is not with this is all we got in your doing the right thing and I don’t listen to your parents don’t listen your parents when they tell you they understand don’t listen to your parents when they tell you that your life is going to be ruined don’t don’t don’t don’t listen to them don’t don’t don’t let them trick you in any way you have to use them you have to love them like but don’t let them get in your head because they don’t have the answers I am your parents age I did nothing I watch
I watch all you kids die when you were my age
and
and I did nothing so don’t listen to us except support not advice is my advice if someone says he was $500
make them sign a thing that says it’s a it’s a it’s a gift AAA I don’t know I guess actually spit on it and throw it back in their face cuz I’ve already taken like two and a half million dollars
Shrek it’s up there was a joke no to take money
give her money now their movement now and movements need to raise funds to keep going you can’t do this shit forever for free luckily they’ve grown up in a world where it’s like you can just go online it become this character and make a living that way so they do kind of see this pathway but it’s not just like they’re not just feel like I do how do I become a public figure you know it’s like they’ve seen people their age being public figures for years and years and they have a great reason to be out there you know I hope it happens we had a good run we’re Portugal where were England or Spain where we rule the world for a couple hundred years and it’s over and we’re not going to go gracefully into that good night we’re not going to go gently what we’re going to do is grab & profiteer as much as we can we’re going to we’re going to take like the people
power of going to steal as much as they can and then go team up with the next new Empire be that China or Russia or North Korea or whatever the fuck like like what we did it we’re done with the fact you can’t be a thousand your Empire you can’t be a right cuz I goes on for fucking on and on and on we blew it we had a chance we did kind of a good job we made a lot of white people Rich we made a lot of black people unhappy and now we don’t care about the murder of her own children this is the end they had a pretty short run yeah it should we squandered a lot of it that which you greedy which we will take us to our American Empire that hundred years compared to roam like you would go 6 Generations before you got your mail
everything moved at the speed of a campfire so adjust for technological inflation we we we were eating room exactly 30 years to build an aqueduct managing eight billion people in all their money so we burn brighter we we burn faster we burned out and I don’t think there’s any shame in that I think what you do is you go fuck it work for Portugal and now it’s go out as the Empire that at the at the eleventh hour
like if I can Arnold in Terminator 2 giving the thumbs-up was playing some is we love our Edward furlong’s we love our kids
like we were we lost we don’t stop it being changed that love kids we we we we won’t put that thumb up as we go down into the end of the thing we support David Hogg 1111 that’s his that’s his Twitter handle I don’t think of any shame and just saying like we are a great Empire in a long line of great Empires that had their run and it’s over like we like now let’s try to find a graceful way to enter into the next like in two are middle-aged or it doesn’t. It come on man in looting. Walk because we like machine is inciting with entropy doesn’t matter of entropy is going to win or not the shame is inciting with it
I also think that there’s there’s two things that kind of led to what’s going on right now and then you can look back at Rome for this example as well as one of the disbelief that it’s even possible that this can happen like their notion of American superiority and this American Dream idea is ideal that we’re all kind of raised with that says like one America can never fail
it will always work out it will always work out so there’s a sense of denial in the American Spirit that really is in disbelief of what’s actually happening right now and then also on the flip side there’s also the people who are like oh it’s you know it’s always been fucked up and it’s going to be fucked up and whatever it’s over it’s been over and why bother trying to change it so in between those two perspectives are people who might actually try to do something to make something better right now despite all evidence that it’s either futile or whatever
and you know these kids are trying and maybe they maybe they succeed and maybe we can turn it around I think it’s worth a shot, generation coming up right now and we’re about to see what happens when we have to pick up like like it’s going to be one new like figurehead that’s going to save democracy that’s crazy guy that approaches plot go vote go change that and you know at the midterms like like Go-Go make things happen but also don’t root for your next Bernie Sanders or Hillary or Trump for whoever like the idea that we have to pick one person to make things alright to be the leader of our rock band it’s crazy as you
why do people suddenly actually getting involved in their local governments holding their representatives accountable starting to go to these Town Hall meetings during make phone calls all the shit like that we’ve learned in the last year more than we ever knew before about how government works because of this catastrophe we are there is a silver lining here with Trump is a sort of like he’s a rodeo clown and he’s as Jeff says he’s a diameter is autocrat also a sort of like a thinly-veiled drape over the fact if we play our cards right if we get through this it could be the way that we realize the importance in which is that the Office of the President is not there’s not supposed to be empowered and isn’t trying to power that we are a republic and that our representatives in all of this is fucked up to us with this is an incredibly important like underpaid low-level nerds that take care of us that they that you can tell her go fuck themselves because if they can’t handle being talked to by 16 year old
shot at by an AR-15 like they’re a fucking moron then they don’t qualify for the job get me in is it didn’t get me a fucking accountant in that office get me a lawyer in that office so I have a million people on my payroll who know full well that whether they like me or not they could go home and fantasize about me falling down stairs and breaking my neck but during the 10-minute phone call about my taxes think I’ll have absolutely absolutely that’s what you’re supposed to say to the American public if you’re fucking congressperson
annnnd these are the people that are important and ends ends they need to stop fucking with acting like they do that just because they’re below the radar that they’re not capable of getting up our country held accountable for the first time ever cuz also with such a leader which is where everyone usually is looking is at the you know the Wizard of Oz sitting up on top of the hill is supposed to be the source of everything meanwhile there’s all these are there cogs in the machine that no one’s really thinking you’re very important and they never are in their own damn States they’re not actually talking to the people that they represent they’re all up in Washington talking to lobbyists and shit so now that we have this in Epic guy in the office of the presidency so many people going how does this work okay so I have to deal with my state legislators and okay who are they where do I find the directory for the people I call about this shit that’s happening
say it’s it’s been the most ludicrous Journey just like going like over and over again 85% of the American public 87%
events that you better believe that includes all the fucking people that hate each other all agree campaign reform I don’t know who the fuck 15% but I guess they’re probably the fucking parasites that the rich people at AA in it but everyone else is like yeah you got to get money out of politics just got to get it out it’s not it doesn’t work what’s the first step well let’s make a law against money-in-politics okay I’ll take that vote could come to order all the people that the front steps of the Capitol lawn and it was just like weed that’s so bad it would solve every other problem make these people Civil Service make that makes this job that you know my TV is good now because they’re got big thing so many channels so many ways to watch TV and all our ship faced Coke addict fucking
a suit clad assholes that never give a fuck about what you watched on television and looked at TV as a great way to fuck actresses and make a bunch of money and their salaries didn’t get very high like like they started getting bored and they laughed and Breaking Bad happened like like that is what you do to this country if you want to save it you suck the fucking money out of the spots that are important you suck the capitalism out of the things that are crucial education medicine in for my money the Transformers franchise
hell yeah I say about Transformers songs about Godzillas
any other questions you actually answered all my question Godzilla’s with giant robots the place where I turned it off is when they started talking about how you need two pilots one of the links
that felt like Transformers or Pacific Rims that specifically why is like going to feel like something is being forced onto me that pisses me off because it’s like two days machines work like you can’t put a steering wheel in a fucking giant robot is it like a producer meeting where they said like come on we need to say hello to your new partner scene was the partner the robot does he drive the feet I don’t know what if it’s just the emotional strain yeah there’s two partners they both do it finally we protected the say hello to your new partner seen the linchpin of all great movie
have you seen this movie no I turned it off when they started the movie begins the first movie begins with like Lord of the Rings like via who does the first there was an ocean and the Godzilla’s came and then we found out we needed to Pilots one to handle these mental state and I was like I got a hard enough time I would watch that movie if you if it wasn’t honest about it first there was no mention of Godzilla’s can you be you know why you keep watching because you do finally the movie cutting to the fucking business yet so if the third thing they said was every robot of course needs to Pilot this ship you came in here with him sexy pants and like
you’re cutting through the shit you know it’s like that first date were you like I don’t even believe in monogamy and me neither that’s why you’re rolling around in the bed and it’s like here’s the thing like you need to be a dentist when you meet my parents what this is so complicated in this complicated but who’s the who’s the good guys or the bad guys Manatee Humanity Humanity out of the Pacific Rim out of the Pacific Rim itself ladybugs giant grasshoppers they call him Kaiju Kaiju which is Japanese big monster some shit
for big monster or some shit I think it’s actually big monster or strange things can I make a controlling executive decision here are you ask let’s get these
D & D sheets out you know we’ve got at least 5-10 minutes to talk about where the fuck we were because it’s been a long time
I say For Better or For Worse we get back into this
last time there was a there was a bear into the toilet and there was some people running and we had to dude and it was a shambling mass and
when it when is Spencer to break it down for us and tell us where we where we need to leave yet.
You’re the birthday boy get up here
Steve Levy to the stage
hey get to see you before we dispense the church church everybody has left us
Levy if you
if you could win like I was you could accept one Oscar what category like if you were up there tonight what Oscar would be the dream like category for you to accept won Academy Award what were the category B
actor I could be yeah yeah it’s hard there’s the the the the one that I actually think I’m like if you know my cards are played right now Vinci I guess I could win the like producing best picture yeah but that could be but like that that might be the most likely or the event that the one that you want the most or would you like to just be the two best biggest ones
what was the question I was texting a guy that I’ll ask you the same question since you were texting a guy obviously category pick any Oscar category what would be the one that you would like to win like if you were up there tonight accepting an award that obviously costume design
why you do it like nobody ever does it right it is it going to make a year to make really big poofy hoop skirts
you got to make the movie hoosker Super I didn’t win a best original screenplay Oscar and even like your tone like we might be able to get like the fifth the best movie that is probable I won’t know I do not like I think I think they could do it no that’s not a question is will I answer is no cuz I’m retiring in 5 years I control I still think you are you retiring because you don’t think you’re good enough to win best best original screenplay that’s what he’s telling me I found out TV is better racket than movies as I got my pride
better how about you what category best supporting actress right what are we talkin about are non-binary Revolution when are we when are we going to chop into that was a nice pic what will the concept that thing is / gender two genders and let me know one way
whenever the pronoun I just talked to her right legs legs legs legs legs but without yeah without the having adding this like act your wrists and neck Teressa and he is a trans character that wins best transgender roll and they can’t say best actor or actress well you know in most cases they will be able to because they’ll be identifying as either a man or a woman right so they don’t have to be a very specific like a gender trans person
we got some time I wonder who won best cisgender male tonight will be cisgender I am coming out in the stage of heteronormative we’re behind a normative in the fields we did that thing really happened where you got on the subway and asked everybody whether this would happen if he didn’t get on the goddamn Subway in pool
I’m a fucking bullshit and never again if it happened but you have been funnier that it certainly didn’t happen on his way back to the house of Lords to go get delivered that speech where you guys you know what I just talked to eight people that weren’t rich people and they really fucking well I also did the funny thing about that about that scene is that it’s used as if it’s a plot point but what he does with that information as he goes he goes back to his political parasite friends and it says I talked to Mary trophies
nnnnn and they take his word for it and it’s almost like he wanted like 25 minutes ago fuck him whether he did it or not he said he did it so if he didn’t do it this story is that he lied they probably truncated the fact that he actually did go listen to some like common people and the fact that he went on a Subway and then that was what made that speech happened I thought I find a little like to see somebody do it was like I was the cheeseburger phone calling Frost Nixon where I’m like that’s so like Jim’s down the muzzle that it either has to be
true or it’s like the crazy egregious you got to jam it in a month
I didn’t pass down those those character sheets
Spencer hey guys please do me a favor no fill me back in on what the hell that had gun on recently okay tell you what don’t play your music cues that he feels like he has to perform it let him
you see dinosaur if you want information and you want it to be good let him fucking yeah you add a sheet to our yeah I think Dan had that sheet but I’m going to give it to you cuz they’re more fastidious group Lucci
alright Spencer refresh your memory please alright you guys were indoor Nestor on the Quest for patching the gym
you infiltrated the town to get information and you found some information that seem to link this mysterious theater that seemed to be some sort of institution in the town to shrove and also information that said that shrove might be in the bathroom of a Tavern so you decided to abduct Row from The Tavern after the tavern Master told you that I will be a bad idea and it was older than a big bra so you guys escaped from the bra and the broth followed you outside into a backyard alley where you guys escaped after Jeff start a fire and then Dan used like a essentially a flash-bomb like a like a like a blinding light to cover your exit then you met up with a shambling mound who took you to Safety in that was north of a pig farm in the wall of the city to Shrub here now
doing that singing does where he
he’s in stealth shrub mode he’s in Silent Running the well-known
secret trap does a well-known behaviors of a rock that was my fault I was a dumb question it’s fine so yeah you were north of of this pig farm in this kind of wreckage of a wall that he was calling a house and I had a window in it so you had shrove you started I’ll say interrogating although that’s a really loose way to refer to a couch as a Critic I am yeah I know that’s that’s most of my job is critiquing while you guys do to him and being frustrated and torture am good enough with dragon tattoo on his back was unimportant that marked as being part of this Dragon Cult that we asked him can he read The Guild script in the note
so he translated the note and he wouldn’t he stopped short of giving us the location of the drop point for Fashions Jen right here but we know that the note that had a drop point and the time was within hours North right around the town and it was written in that Guild language so you couldn’t read it but also seem to have locations on it is still with us right now you just ask that you guys had that you were on the cusp of making a big Discovery and then instead of holding him I think I think you switch to tying them up but I Dan had Steve time up Steve did a bad job tying him up so he ended up just kind of slipping out of his bindings and sneaking out of the window although to be fair when he started sneaking out of the window you guys kind of just let him leave like you didn’t chase him
I try and grab my key to that
I think your memory is
you kind of looking back on it going
am I a great dungeon master and you’re going to 10 to go yeah no I think I’m terrible well here’s what happened there’s a bit of a fracas right we were beating him
and he according to you he fucking like ninja doubt of his ropes and started beating the fuck out of us revealing himself to be super powerful and then blew out the window like a goddamn pixie-like revealed that he had like NPC powers that were like you’re never supposed to kill me I’m supposed to fucking kill you and it was like yeah I was like jumped out the window like a laser beam I mean I’ll believe you if you say he attack but I don’t remember him attacking you I just remember you guys all had combat turns it didn’t try a nice crab we beat him up for sure kicked the piece out of us I think he thought you pretty hard when you initially fought him in the dark but I don’t remember him fighting you really hard enough but I can’t I was already almost dead which is why I let him go
that’s the thing is you’re already almost dead so he escaped into the night that the top priority is the purse that was the one that was what the note said the note said the person yeah Jim Drop Point North is the town of Dorchester
go ahead I’m so then you guys you were like I don’t know what we should do and then Pat no not pageant Steve was like I know we should do ask more questions and you went to the store owner and the store owner was like I don’t know and they sprayed you in the face with presumably knockout juice and you guys were like we love this adventure we’re on and we want to keep doing the adventures forever is that your way of giving us a second chance no no that was just my memory
are you doing it big are you guys doing a bit where you pretend not to remember anything that happened but then suddenly Perfect Memory of certain moment I do have perfect memory of one aspect of it which is that I fully fucking bailed and humiliation and I was like I don’t know what I’m doing we fucked up at the house where we set the guy’s house on fire we fucked up here again and I started walking down the road with my compatriots and one of them the Earth while diarrhea Junior double back over our protests to go to take to go fucking hang out of town that no one likes that we just and that was the way we ended it is that Jeff and I were like on the road and we had told this kid don’t go back and he went back and then you told him he got captured and then go back to town and start start a new right well I’m very happy to rewind a little bit
said we’re not on the road leaving town because I feel like the benefit of a months of thinking about
decisions is a drop point north lake lake so I don’t know where you want to place us and that I gave my version and white what do you want to win definitely called it quits and I ran back in the right side of town okay we have left diarrhea Junior behind because he wanted to interrogate people back in the day we’re leaving he was like you know what fuck this I’m a young upstart with nothing to lose it like the kids from the shooting
yeah that was when I originally started writing this adventure I was like one of these going to be in the did we bail I’m passing the gym didn’t we decide not willing to corroborate that I did we are on the road outside of town because I said let’s just get out of here but it’s the reason I ran back into town I don’t want to give up on it. Let’s hit control alternate delete somewhere else but
okay so where where are we standing right now Spencer you’re outside of the Town it it’s surrounded by a big thick wall that’s about 10-15 feet tall so it’s like your kind of outside it’s night time it’s dark but it’s it’s being lit by the flickering light of a town on fire but yeah Carlos Carlos I feel bad that DJ is back in town like we’re nothing if not a team we’re not even good as a team but we’re were so low we should go get DJ back right look
are don’t look I mean it’s not that I’m not a good leader like I I I fucked up
I just tried it but I we were at we were a team walking out of town and then diarrhea went back like he shouldn’t have we told him not to be standing with his right now if we if he had been a team I Whistle I do like a whistle but I think that diarrhea Junior would recognize you make the whistle
yeah I know you’re not but he’s all right we have to we have to get our ducks in a row about this
this drop point like a it’s if it work if we’re going to complete the quest for pageants Jim it is upon us I would argue
that a diarrhea Junior even is like secondary to it because the deadline for one of them is within hours that’s the ones and then we knew it we just don’t know where indoor Nestor the the drop point for the gym It Drop Point North we have to find dry I believe Drop Point North is Doran Esther and it’s the actual location with indoor Nestor that he wouldn’t give us he read it and he wouldn’t give it to us he’s what he is using that dragonmark knowledge to read the thing he saw crucial information I mean obviously he has more loyalty to
his kind I guess that would make him a person to follow if we could figure out where he would go who Trove Trove yeah it go to the theater or I mean
Drop Point North
if I’m if I’m a band
shity people that doesn’t mind telling people to get a gym and then I’m arranging to drop it off and
I mean where do you go
I’ve no idea
we can’t go back into town they all know us
we can’t go back to Dentistry
I think we just we just set it on fire and her and I just I mean maybe the passions Jam thing was just a wild-goose Chase maybe we just all right you know what let’s split the difference
let’s go rescue you should face
ship faced diarrhea I just whistled he didn’t respond but maybe he’s having a good time I hope it means he’s let’s go let’s go sneak back into town you have any way of disguising people stealthing them are wearing like a weird clown outfit that you buy maybe you should take your wearing when we set fire to the town and be cool I cast appear as someone else I don’t think you have it all right just the good spell though
alright ya mean while diarrhea you get sprayed in the face by a chemical what’s your fortitude save do you know where saves are on the left side maybe a third of the way down yeah it’s his total is 3
alright you can feel yourself getting woozy as you lose Consciousness Chemical Guys spray them with something
because he was back there trying to talk shit and make friends yeah he was as he was talking to a store on her
all right soon after or you know an indiscriminate amount of time or indeterminate amount of time afterwards you wake up in a wooden room lit by candles the wooden room you can tell the walls or are these black stained wooden planks in the smell of this room is a bit wet nurse feet kind of musty you’re tied up with just so much really heavy rope you’re in like a place where there’s kind of a look maybe like a lounge area there’s like couches in a card table and you see about three people in the room and then there’s also you see patches who’s he’s tied up as badly as you but he’s knocked out and he’s across across the room like you’re on opposing walls so yeah there’s a fire and there’s a door in One Direction a hallway in One Direction and you can also see a big bulletin on the board on the wall in the Target and they’re kind of full of knives is this is this so much later that I mean shouldn’t we have been if he was unconscious for a while shouldn’t we
you didn’t care about him in in x amount of time so the scene we just had was time-shifted okay well I was yeah I was like the time it took us to walk outside at 2 yeah cuz he ran back in and you’re like well you’ll come back you won’t come back whistle you know all that but yeah there’s like a bulletin board and a map on the wall and they’re all kind of full of knives like yeah like throwing knives like people throwing throwing knives so I just woke up and you’re tied up to a wall
I see patches and I see three people in the room with me either at the card table playing cards okay mine I’m taking oh fuck oh fuck what the hell is going on there’s patchin’s I can’t move
but I decided to play it really cool and be like
hey guys I’m I’m diarrhea people call me DJ for short thank you for bring me to your party I want to play games what games are you playing
he’s awake go hit him one of the guys comes over and he punches you in the face and you still keep quiet you’re a prisoner you’re our prisoner shut up
what will what why am I a prisoner because you guys were trying to kidnap schrodt
I mean you did get that 400 money out of I was not trying to kidnap him I’m sure
there’s three people who said other guy across there and why is he tied up he’s another weirdo we don’t know who he’s associated with but now that there’s a bunch of strangers coming in like committing kidnappings we decided not to take any chance I kidnap we don’t know but we didn’t recognize them we’re not taking risks what’s your name my name
yeah oh yeah
your name is oh yeah oh Jesus
this is a very confusing conversation my name is clam double Seafood know we all have nicknames down here how did you earn as you learn that one’s fascinating not talking to you your prisoner shut up
okay alright so it’s back to Steve back to not Steve you go to Carlos and I are outside of us are wondering whether we should go back and we we got to go back and kind of wanted to go back until we got to go back and get DJ and so I can figure it out
we
I’m going to let you know take the I’m not going to walk up the main road I’m going to creep through the Tall Grass the back back back back roads
I’m trying to trying to be sneaky not my specialty
how do you okay so there’s two main entrances in and out of door Napster or you could like climb over the wall or something
yeah I mean what is the main entrance guarded is usually guarded but because of the fire the guards are helping with the fire
well looks like we can go on through we can sneak in where is he at where we were going to look I guess we go to the theater I’m going to see her
yeah
we remember where the theater is okay you go to the theater it’s a large black modern looking Building made out of black stain planks there’s the large front door is closed as it was before
all right I don’t recommend we knock
I open the door
all right it’s locked I unlock the door how do you how do you try to do that let’s look around the building for other points of Ingress all right around the back you can see there seems like a little kind of kitchen area there’s a small door and it’s got a couple Windows that’s how you can see there’s like it looked like a kitchen there’s the kitchen stuff when I try to open one of the windows in the kitchen it’s a pretty quiet inside the train a small door is locked I take my car to Staffing and break the window and then I can clear out the glass we can crawl through all right
you do it it’s great you punch a hole clean through the window it’s just like it’s a it’s not like a big shattering it’s just kind of like you just knocked a big chunk out of the glasses I just had landed on the floor in one big piece perfect yeah you open the window
can you communicate through can you open the door for me I thrown up in the window for him hell yeah that happens now you’re in a kitchen you see sausages and cheese no yeah I take sausages in one cheese okay this is just in case that’s fair all right what are playing our planet to find diarrhea junior or shrove
well yeah I mean in that order I guess what we don’t know
we don’t know that either of them are here but I guess should we split up to cover more ground yeah
you like it when we split up right yeah there’s only one door though all right you you go through the door and you see a narrow hallway that leads into the main space of the theater itself like so you can see kind of the main audience space and then the main stage which is pretty huge construction there’s catwalks overhead and kind of rigs fur ropes and curtains and stuff like that to the right there’s a door and then to the past that door there’s also another door to the right and then then there’s kind of like a backstage area but those are the only kind of rooms there’s there’s only the only rooms you see are like these two rooms the kitchen and then this whole big kind of stayed space
well there’s two doors
I’ll take the first door I’ll take a second okay you don’t hear anything in either okay I open I try to open the first door it’s the bathroom it looks like a nice bathroom like it’s a performer’s bathroom I take a giant shit it’s great that you feel well taken care of
what’s behind my door it’s like it’s like a green room kind of Lounge area they’re just kind of sitting and its skin is centrally located to be kind of near the stage and pain out of the way it’s pretty empty yeah nothing no no no ways out from there I’m no it’s just the ads just like a check backstage Carlos we go backstage
all right you’re searching around in the backstage and you find a number of levers there’s five levers they seem to be connected to various ropes and things like that like winches and pulleys and sandbags for the things
if we’re running through here later let’s pull all of these and maybe some should all follow the people chasing us anywhere anywhere to go
it’s like behind a stage you know all right
so we’re just on stage
let’s go back to Steve
hey hey guys hey guys do you like pizza do you like pizza pizza exist
how do you talk I actually do know a question do you like the word Pizza I just made it up yeah it sounds great I like you guys we hate you why is unfounded I didn’t do anything wrong
yeah I know you guys killed you or look at you guys are like attacking our people who is you guys these strangers are coming into our town we saw you with them yeah cuz I’m like their slave you saved me that’s a new development you don’t lead with that
what you knew where you were captured I mean you got to do what you’re told to do when your slave but the while you’re talking you can hear footsteps above your head on like other wooden boards
I just start making fart noises really loud with my hands I do it I can’t do it in my hand so that I can do with my mouth so I’m just going to like like I know that they’ll understand what’s happening you
all right information I heard of yeah I mean that’s the sound that he always makes when he’s in trouble
sounds like he’s below us yeah I look for a way to get down there below the stage the stage is kind of sealed off but wait let’s do a search if he’s making those fart sounds either he just makes him constantly or he could hear what that means that means that that’s his way of communicating does that mean he could hear us up here he heard footsteps above well I think then sort of the bad guys
all the bad guys are working Steve over for making farting sounds but yeah it’s the Jeff you Spy you spy the thinnest faintest outline of a rectangle a trapdoor in the stage I open that rectangle trapdoor you can it’s like you can’t you can’t sneak your little fingers in there it’s so such a tight thing in universe
I examine the lever mechanism see if they like I assume like I’m no stranger to the theater as it as a man of the cloth you know it’s all performance so I’m looking at pulleys and ropes and garlic wall is there anything that I can rule out as something of a potentially open the trapdoor there’s one that seems like it’s definitely not the trapdoor found in the middle okay
I guess I need to start pulling them all alright walk me through the methodology you start with one and then waiting or something cuz you know there’s like cockpit Smash and all the buttons simultaneously
I’m sorry that I’m I’m I’m I’m going I’m going like this here’s what I’m doing crank crank crank crank like I’m not really waiting to see what happens okay yeah you pull a couple sandbags drop out of like the rafters and stuff and smashed into the ground and just kind of spilled sand over and then the the trapdoor starts lowering in the stage
sweet starts lowering like yeah it’s like retracting into the below ground so I can injure what is it looks like a lift oh okay that’s going down like a dumb waiter a platform on that lowering you’re okay you do that you’re on it it’s lowering what about you can I sit on there with no yeah Chad I could like hold a horse or not all right well it’s fucking gay
he loves horses all right so we’re lowering down on the thing yeah yeah you going to the thing you see it’s kind of like a waiting room kind of area is completely empty there’s no one in it and it seems like there’s a place where you could put your weapons and other equipment and some coat racks and stuff is just kind of like a waiting area for you to hang out for you to Stage Goods in the platform area for the door and stuff there’s a door
all right listen at the door
yeah
all right do you want you want to do you want to do this
I’m looking for my spells real quick
not that I think this is going to be an issue but we should probably try and to take one of them a wife
I’m not assuming we’re going to be able to
kill them all day and you realize that your health is really low weight but I thought I’d give him some good berries
do you have any
historically speaking well I can heal myself right yeah how do I do that in my time I am I giving up oh yeah so if you find what spell Loadout you have you can turn any level 1 or 2 spell into a heal spell I’m going to conveniently assumed I was doing load out three offense I can only work so I will yeah I will sacrifice my inflict moderate wounds touch in order to heal myself how much damage does that do to T8 + 1 does that matter or the healing is the same basically so but what if I had said someone monster to specifically inflicting healer the same spell the opposite so so I couldn’t I wouldn’t have been able to sacrifice summon monster too and to do it he’ll spell know you could
and it would be the same then why did you ask you just answer the shortcut because it’s so you didn’t look it up right okay you game back 12 health
all right so what would burning Hands by the way I can’t I can’t find the description fits an AOE spell at deals your level three I think it should deal 3D for damage in a big shark bite people or it shoots it out like a flamethrower really is Age of Empires 2 go in there and find diarrhea Junior right
so I want to watch
Carla has diarrhea
when your
running into first and you feel something burst
diarrhea
when you’re sliding into second and your bowels begin to beckon
that’s diarrhea I tried a very quietly open the door
sorry I’m rolling dice on my phone that’s what happens when you’re sliding into third
and you think you later turd
the best diarrhea you Creek open the door with the with a slight noise but it seems to be being masked by the noise of farting
what are we see you see one of the guys is punching diarrhea who’s like on his side being tied up he’s got a big black guy you see patches is sprawled out tied up on the opposite wall and you see two guys that are watching the one guy beat up a chance they’re kind of your you would be within eyeshot but do you not noticed yet so it’s like you’re not looking right at you but they’re kind of like in your in their field of vision if they’re paying attention I turned to Carlos and I said Carlos it’s time to
after home when you feel something foam
diarrhea
cliffhanger
you’re never Steve Levy everybody
Church
everybody here too many to mention Spencer Crittenden I’m here comes trouble Jeff Davis your mayor is Dan Harmon thank you so much I’ll play some more music for no reason
exactly caver would you put a beat on before you get peed on
thank you that’s better Hermantown
we opened up a door to fart town