Episode: 30 – Harmoncountry: Sommerville, MA

Episode

Episode: 30 – Harmoncountry: Sommerville, MA

Description

Mayor Harmon and Comptroller Davis begin the show like any other – discussing the city’s auto theft statistics. What comes next is 80+ minutes of insanity, featuring Adam Goldberg’s brothers, Erin and Dan’s sex life and much, much, sooooo much more.

Transcript

yeah
hello Johnny D’s in Somerville Massachusetts welcome
what you please put your hands together for the mayor of Hermantown
wow thank you some of them I took out a either a busboy or a copper I don’t know I’ll find out later in the basement this used to be an old cap bar they say it’s a very very old architecture in the basement you see the first and effects of the fact that in the end it’s a turn-of-the-century people that they never grew Beyond 3 feet tall they have everything is just a system of a down there sales of concrete stucco would have built chair as I can in a bathtub kit for my go weird old days when this would win Somerville was was not the best manage town and then it in the United States
voted voted in the Boston Globe Best manage town. You motherfukers
there’s some funny shit in the Wikipedia entry that did most of the editing ever Wikipedia entry was on the tourist board
but I’m all over the place what am I doing anyways I quite some guy out somebody great of a check
that wasn’t that was my pipe and smoke cigarettes and a shrinking down down there so so I have a lot of stuff the mirrors are all because it’s healing the soul of the mirrors just give you a perfect view of your balls which is like every everything was hung by a like a deranged midget leprechaun
Somerville Jeff some some some facts about it
just just to get to know each other most important fact I think I’m assuming that this summer billions would have you know it’s not Boston
but there’s probably a lot of bostonians here that made the drive but Somerville is very proud of its independence I think you know we’re just we’re just North of Boston might as well be Boston but it may be a little more awake in a little less retarded
we don’t know let’s find out what we don’t know we’ll find out the Wicked This to retarded ratio major exports Good Will Hunting photos
a lot a lot of bars of a lot of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in the wall here a lot of a Colin Quinn look alikes walking around it in spare that’s good that makes me feel at home yeah you know what everyone everyone gets a pet peeves everyone gets one I’m just a petty jealous assholes
William Goldman write that script exec banging on a window how do you like them apples and the guy bothers to say yes I like them I I let you continue to have this conversation why who would ever do that it would completely removed me from the movie if that is that didn’t remove you from the movie The Mini driver’s face
now I don’t know if it’s the Boston are I’m turning I’m done I’m getting like I’m I’m getting a jocular and I mean I don’t I don’t mean to do that I’m sorry it’s the ghost of like a police brutality in the basement you can just tell it was an old cop bar and you just know that unofficial police procedures happened down there. Like it was a we have a shot of us walking and a but be on the scene is fine with every three feet there was a there was a way to go that way a way to go that way at a glimpse of us
we should play a DND down there we could we could we could both do anything they call it LARPing
live-action role-playing facts facts about Summerville the typewriter was invented here not true. Okay all right sometimes they get lazy the original choice for summerville’s new name when they broke away from Charleston Charles Town Charleston and their original choice for a name was Walford after the first settler but then they just changed it to Somerville which means this Wofford I like something turned upright knows why they changed it to Somerville that sounds like a hasty like a quick decision after you feel like they went to wall print out there in your living room and my mom you fuck one sheep
knows why they pick the name Somerville they actually had a historical commission look into it and they said it just seems like they said it was a purely fanciful name
adorable
better than Boston
who picked that name in California where this place is like Thousand Oaks and crack Creek and stuff like that that’s the Grand Tetons
yeah we have history to where we come from the Wikipedia entry is so interesting and uncomfortable just hold your applause until the end of this paragraph laughter or cringing or crying or are walking out whenever you’re acting you have to hold it to leave till I tell tell me when Paul Revere in one account he wrote of his ride to warn the colonists mentions a location and Summerville then part of Charleston the location was the site where twenty years earlier a local slave known as Mark owned by John Codman was publicly gibbeted
the location is probably near the site of the present day Holiday Inn on Washington Street
not written by that Holiday Inn people not written by Somerville stores and beer out but then that means he was treated to an expert luxury and comfort it’s basically just putting a dude in a cage and like letting them die of thirst it’s like like like like like they didn’t they did it at like Crossroads in things like War if you if you murdered or or or or stole or whatever God knows what this poor guy did and it was like a public warning and I don’t know where we stand on the left there when you die
nice white people problems Vania I was a most complicated little Turnpike town and there’s nothing to do and we went to Holiday Inn and it’s the only Hotel I’ve ever been and Not only was there no closet there was no the hair dry in the TV didn’t work at the same time I haven’t seen that since the seven days where I go to affect the reception on the TV has no windows in a hotel rooms really really creepy is really like being in a prison cell and some Hotel complaints along the way a holiday in America, cementon Glass start your own hotel good luck
we’re part of the complex
are you sleeping in a bed made by people who make muscles probably everything taken care of just died
Holiday Inn
everything has to be uncomfortable
he died of thirst you know what’s weird is I at this Comfort Inn that we are at like another ironically day
I’m over whether or not it’s 48,000 miles to everyone come over to the Comfort Inn where the where the 93 meets the fucking like a cave of the where the Pirates of the Caribbean are in the hotel there is a machine in the water button when I press that and nothing came out and we all know when you press a water button you’re thirsty but you usually accidentally get the amount of water you you kind of feel like getting when you’re thirsty enough to seek out a water button you get bummed when water don’t come out like like that at that was some Wylie Coyote shit I think that’s a continental breakfast machine that you get water and juice you know in the morning 7 to 9:30 a m
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hey Jeff Justin Slough the marshmallow cream was invented here in Summerville
looking for a pride in the crowd right now it doesn’t do people eat like a marshmallow cream and like that sounds good I will take that GG do it with Nutella ever is all right we’re not so different
we can we can get a line was invented here it doesn’t say when but I assume what when team for black beard is here
in the audience into fluffy marshmallow cream using the moon in a gibbet
the okay was just a couple more things cuz I love history I love Somerville
Somerville the first residential phone will try this it went from Charles Williams Junior’s house to Alexander Graham Bell’s place in Boston where he was working on telephonics so there was some guy that lived here that was so rich and Powerful the phone being invented for a while if I do it some kind of thing you can talk to people without being there is like
I want the first one that’s it for accepting the most recently Jeff Angry Birds to hear what were you going to say to me that way I was going to say if it maybe some of that doubt there has been some historical tidbits and the Wikipedia page right before the 90s like like this place in the 90s like it had this incredible like gentrification baffert that happened and before that they are the nickname for this place slum
it was the purportedly it was the car theft capital of the United States
that’s pretty amazing why isn’t that New York why is steel a lot of cars like like to not be like New York or LA and jumper Karthik capital of his forgot maybe that’s what it was maybe it maybe maybe people have six cards each are in the state
what do you mean like you were falsely branded
what did you say
your birth was financed that way
are you saying I can you are you willing to come up here or do you need to have a shadow across your face when I hear voice chat is there a I was
I think what she might be saying oh she’s got like a harmontown t-shirt did you make that I get off on tangents
very nice alright Summerville we made We Made You Some crowd surfing yet I don’t know if you heard Brooklyn but I 40th birthday fantasy crowd-surf there they’re here I think I’ll just end up with an ass for the hot wings
it’s not your fault it’s just it’s the you know you have more comfortable seating when in Brooklyn they were able to lift my fat ass the back of the room anyways, your history cars are being stolen stolen and runs in my family obviously I was in there but the hospital bill need to get paid and so yeah it was an insurance policy on the car and it just haven’t yet left of the doors open and the keys in it was like the most notorious place for theft what was it Assembly Square Davis Square t station that’s how you did though that the MBTA subway allowed people to like kind of flood into Summerville and turn it into a what the box
Globe called the best-managed city
in the United States they like but I assume that means the cleanest government and I don’t know like like like if I if I’m about to have my gum like a robot comes by and grabbed it or I don’t know what his best man it should be mean but sounds of the insurance companies haircut like you didn’t they smell a rat or is everybody profiting off of this I hear you’re getting nervous on your forehead the laser and talk about this summer is going to be the murderer good the falling down stairs capital of the world by realizing that they they need to weld something for a living and
I don’t know in your family and Anna
yeah I know is there a Polish near
wash your dupa dupa dupa dupa means but it might make my Boucher my grandma used to tell me to wash my dupa
my great grandma Boucher Jeff I think you a little bit yeah she murdered some people
I think it’s safe to say that she’s she’s she’s dead I was going to take finally did but that which I mean I just mean finally in the sense that she lives like a hundred and eight or something and she took some fuckers out with her like she was she was at she was just hard to choose a hard Drinker she was a vaudevillian she was talked to Grandma Boucher you shoot you do like you guys share something like maybe at the movie it skips to Generations like whatever you are and then I’d say I’d go and I think it was it was it was it was it was I don’t know because she would she what she would do one of those things or she would pointed or cheek and say give me give me a kiss and then she’d swivel into it and like
basically French her grandsons like she was she was into it like a dude she’s a dude
fell on the scissors
9 *
I don’t know how you fall and scissors name of your crotch area trampoline I think I’m pretty sure they’re watching a Packer game in in in Wisconsin end like this thing came over the local news stuff over the Packer game and some of the you know some local guy said said human interest piece 77 year-old woman just was being brought in for questioning regarding the possible homicide of of of the of her roommates and and and and we all joke in the living room I got Grandma Boucher and then the phone rang
and it was the police and it was like her one phone call in like they’ve she had like she had had a quarrel with this lover of hers that she was living with and then and then we don’t know what what happened from there but we know it ended with him dying after receiving a few a few punctures with the pair of scissors below his waist line and I think that the cops thought it was a life sentence let her go and see we’re not a fucking spray for 30 years
14 people dead 12 were surrendering the liberty of a member of my family to go through my stories to get it yours
she’s getting off right I should charge you for it
the VHS tape for some of your kids there was a think I’ll be at Chestnut the she thank you sir
Somerville I just
thank you sir
I got Top Gun on betamax
real American
all right I just leave me alone for a second I just want to Grandma Grandma and Grandpa she was Grandma Boucher so she’s grandma grandma successfully murdering a man
this blows my mind she has someone tried to steal her microwave and we think it was like a drinking buddy that she owed money to and like she was she was like at least $90 or something like that awesome and she had a scuffle with this person who tried to steal her microwave and and the person took a butcher knife and slashed her in the throat it’s a happy ending
depending on where you fall and grab a booster being out there
the police is that a happy ending for the DEA
that that that she and then she according to her recollection of the event like she she was this person got away with the microwave slashed her throat and she was laying there for a while it was like someone to come find me and then she thought no one’s going to come find me I’m Grandma Boucher so she got up a towel around her neck and walk to the emergency room where they stowed her neck back up and there’s a there’s a there’s a circulating among my family of the of the local news report that act like they should have done the research and this is a whole new generation of news reporters they show this doctor like they get the statement from him and you can see the emergency room behind him and he’s just he’s just giving a statement and his his his look on his face like he he just watched an episode of The Munsters or something like he doesn’t know what he’s going
a woman came in and about 90 years old and she had her neck slashed like all the way across and I put some stitches in it and she left
and he’s so true because everything he’s learned about medicine has gone out the window and I passed a Golem
I don’t know what I did it was it masonry that I did all right anyways back to you, did you get off on that tangent
company I should have
all right, what can we do for you before you before you leave us let’s Elizabeth reward you for coming up here and possibly incriminating yourself and your family like a what what what I don’t know I could go what’s your what’s your big ambition in life like like like what’s your what’s your unfulfilled
do you want to be a big-time Pastor designer what does that entail like go to the Fillmore for printer fashion and I just found out I have a I have a day job at a self-defense nonprofit go to get your time card I got them and doing this wrong
I keep sliding in the machine it’s a non-profit car the Okay so
thank you, thank you for making that t-shirt that you can do that mean short hand when you think someone that means fuck off when you say I love it it means I don’t I I didn’t say anything about it until someone else said something about it and then I couldn’t see whether I can make money off of it but no we would never say thank you Cat do the let’s do her big movie Let’s do her biopic about is a Cara Cara Cara Cara going from being a down-and-out Somerville costume designer working at a nonprofit for self-defense
organization and and making it big here it is it’s going to be 4 minutes long you’re going to love it
I’m in a sewing machine
news for you that are both in jail for fraud
are murdered by Grandma busha
finally was there any payout damn my Italian blood
go back to work and so those socks
I should have stole my own cars like Dad
what what what chance does an honest girl like me have in this racket
tickets
Ryder from Hollywood California coming up to Massachusetts
harmontown podcast I get off to
you should come on down the HobbyTown I got to warn you the tickets are pretty overpriced for the content value
choose to me just two jackasses grab asking for an hour and a half
guy rapping about the fucking everybody’s mama
that’s not show business get a real job
all your dreams I’m a fuck you
you’re wrong mister I leave but I accidentally drop a Hermantown ticket to my stupid ass.
I got a worthless check to a relatively worthless show I’m going to go to Johnny G’s where everyone else wants to go and I got fired from community
2 years later I’m Cara but now I’m taller and better-looking
this guy got it I just had four orgasms on that, he went on
can I come up on stage
and then I saw her
that’s when I saw
oh my gosh I just came again
what’s your name man
kroubetz Leone
10 minutes later at the end of the show
do I get the job yes
oh that’s him
I don’t know that felt that felt raucous that felt
call the inappropriate it felt yeah it was a happy get it tell Derek I don’t know I don’t know I was thinking of myself as like Richard Gere and a thriller was better it was better if it was way better I said 4 minutes you delivered
I don’t know Jeff don’t go to me for the for the for the for the for the professional entertainment your path is clear tonight or any man or woman here looking for a job in Hollywood I have a I have a perfect girlfriend will check in with her later about how our relationship is holding up to the store
I wanted to talk to you Jeff about cuz we just had a guest up here but like you guys listen to the podcast.
so there’s this guy Adam Goldberg who is
who’s in the show like like like like by sheer force of will he’s in the show like he and he’s not here he’s at he’s he’s he’s a kid who I guess he was like an extra on community that’s what he said it like his Origins are I pulled him out of the audience to read some of my brother’s emails and and I went to go get another drink and then like he speaking of which the law says we’re not allowed to have our bottle of cattle up here can we can I get it I don’t know who are dedicated servers is it the guy that wiped out with the door with ice
2
just a swish of that John Ritter door
and I’ll answer weird the what the laws it’s it’s different everywhere every every city has fucked up lies about liquor Atlanta where they just recently over calmly I didn’t they couldn’t you can buy liquor on Sunday. I forget they were believe me like it’s like it’s like I don’t even know what to say about it since same kind of people go to stop making laws man we got to start like they have that program where we’re turning Russian nuclear nukes in to like you know nuclear reactors for America it’s called something like megatons to megawatts or something like that that’s like a program who just really just like it like in your fucking face we won the Cold War like like that going to turn him into toothbrush runners use your old world penises to like like now just like make are Sealy Posturepedic beds were
it’s pretty pretty pretty brutal end of it to the cold where I’m at but I mean like sometimes we realize that we’ve stockpiled too much shit we need to like start reducing a little bit so Adam Goldberg
I’m just trying to get car off and what about what about laws why can’t we why can’t we dig into our vast surplus of ridiculous laws and boil them down into like a couple of simple rules like don’t be a dick and stuff like so that
is there a thank you perfect
too late but it was too late like the next day maybe it’s time for a lazy Jesus crucified to come through and instead of instead of getting killed maybe I could just live 280 and tell people what to do
I’ll volunteer
is there a lesser form of crucifixion like playing video games and mass masturbating
talk about armaments on the table but we can’t chew chew train of
whatever that lie was protecting whatever good it was doing like I like how is that your God forbid she see that bottle but but this is going to make it so much harder for her to go down my path
did you bring them sir what’s your name
sorry Matt are you okay can you come up and tell everyone you’re okay is it all right to ask you to do that
I’m fine I’m actually in Pretty doing pretty well today okay that hard okay where you at were you standing in front of door cuz you’re going to open it for me I was I was about to serve one of my tables that would have been the first play good cool that they like like like like no one ever open the door for me like a man and I are going to banged into him
he was going to go like this like I’m Batman or something and he’s Alfred that he was going to go like here you are and I am up right what do you say restart oh well I don’t know is that somebody said restart let him open the door for you I think the ratio of time spent to entertainment received and it’s hard to make a judgment call there but how do you explain the first 40 minutes of your show
thank you very much
no Inception yes I’m sorry I only worked here about six months or so I love it and all the attention I get for no reason like right now it’s how many times have you done a freestyle rap with somebody else on stage

I’m the mic I’m talking about he’s the guy I like thing to do is go there when I came through the door I thought your mom was cuz they all are whores I’m sorry I didn’t mean it I thought your mama I tried to clean it up afterwards I thought your mama that’s the word mat
that’s a wrap
Indeed jobs are pretty white
can I hear my nose but that’s all right because this job is really great.
I’d like to thank you for keeping me up here even though I’m not getting paid for this shit I’m not really driving I’m just kind of complaining and you can hear me
also I
RMC Mike
thank you sir
that’s how you use stage time
you and me are not going to make money on that guy is made $15 more than I’m going to send it I don’t think so still a TV but but he didn’t five minutes turned into 20 40 bucks but
1 V dukedom here
the advantage will be mine
no that’s not true I’m I’m going to keep it straight and narrow tonight
I want to see the show tonight she gave me a gift before the show’s I lost a tie clip once that engraved they said Federal bikini inspector on and then I lost it and I hope whoever has it enjoys that Federal bikini inspector tie clip but this Girl Samantha made me this when it occurs to us has been times when we’ve been on the road and next week so it’ll bring us a bottle of Ketel One backstage but like I’ve been looking around town I’ve been at the front of my shoe is kind of the letters going to come and I was trying to find some Shoe Goo but you can’t find it anywhere so where we where we going to Providence Rhode Island of the show where we ask for shit yeah it will be something Providence little to buy Shoe Goo I could use some Prilosec
I’m 40 years old I forgot to leave town within its heartburn medication and we will pay for your pay you for two toothbrushes and safety pins all right so if you’re coming to Rhode Island are you listening come with a basket Tangerine I’ll make it rain on Wednesday people just coming in like yeah well that’s that’s not charismatic of us to ask
do you have toothbrushes at 8.
Bring it out so weird table for the gypsies the drive to Precious
I didn’t mean jiffy’s is an ethnic phrase I think it’s becoming an offensive ethnic term
I just meant traveling vendors worth of a fortune-telling and unleash it all right well that’s that’s like okay maybe I’ll just live here and build me a house
give me a toothbrush and Brighton is that nearby go get it
a lady just called out I have a toothbrush in Brighton
you really work for a toothbrush company Factory of toothbrushes in Brighton
we’re leaving QT by by putting it in Brighton
my question is was were they being cute saying I wasn’t being cute so you can’t grown me she just missed this one right here Works in a dental office soon we didn’t know until now we didn’t know that we could put you motherfukers to work like that
I’m sorry what we we are humble people we live in a world where busboy to shake us down for 50 bucks
oh no I didn’t mean boss tonight
oh nobody’s Roofing in Boston you give Boston tripping on everybody know that’s an example of ripping out of the town that there is like a little Whispers of my crush it Boston the next that sounds legit there there there was a working-class they don’t pronounce their R’s they’re going to yeah I went I went to the people here are rough for me and a little bit more aggressive maybe like a little bit more like you know like in your face hey take it easy from Boston in La like that reminds us of shity Matt Damon movies
is Jen Kirkman from Boston
Olo
is it one of the towns in Massachusetts with the Sciences now entering Somerville I bet it’s really funny when like now entering Beverly it sounds like a poor entitlement
Jessica Massachusetts remember greatest Adventure
he’s like a regular in the LA shows he’s like this. Yeah Indiana Jones had Bella like every Hero has a shadow he cast out he’s like a brother demon like a yeah like a lot of my fans are self-styled Dan Harmon’s like like like like like like talented writers who can’t make eye contact and like a lot of my conversations with my fans look like two guys staring at the floor and accidentally insulting each other back and forth like but but but now it’s like it’s awkward person and I have it I have an awkward flock clearly we’ve proven that like people like a lot of it is people coming up in like I was getting to know who’s out there and stuff has got this sort of swagger now that he’s just going to storm the stage like
he’s become our Hamburglar but he’s like a guy like like like two people at people in that live La audiences don’t like him as much as the podcast listeners because people to live latress are sitting next to the stage and then I can get up there too but I don’t hear a dick but people listening are going I can’t ever get up there so he’s my hero he’s like one of those bomb defusing robots like just putting himself Through The Hurt Locker every time and then where are mean to him and then he comes back for more and we like them and it’s like why are we being Howard Stern or is it is that good or bad like a genius or a hero or a Villain Like a weird like it’s really a toss-up of people really like like support and love him some people don’t know some people like some people you know we wouldn’t do that so much that I would we don’t really know where it’s at and I were fascinated with him and that’s the important thing tonight here in Somerville it turns out no no Adams
the simple reason that we eat we have a we have a special unit of the police check the bottom of the bus every night
with with what I call Cape Fear mirrors
Adam is not here but Adam Goldberg’s two brothers are here
Noah and pain and a hairy shit I think hello holy crap late
Shake Your Hand
she said I don’t know if I should shake your hand shut the fuk up Adam get offstage please shut the fuk up you know what where what is the bully become the victim of Adam but we kind of hate him a little bit to questions that you asked we’ve asked ourselves
it’s a special kind of answer that there’s just one that’s fine too it’s like black hole research me to my car and we go to a bar after the show that he fought for a guy that you have two brothers were three years older than the trees and like we were really bad to him my dad says that the worst day of his life was when he realized that the kid tormenting him was actually two kids tormenting him
we’re twins so we’re we working today so we work as a team and year old brother three years younger and doing whatever you want to fight with you just tagged out the other guy comes in
yeah we used to pull him out of his crib to play like this was armed with I would climb up and try to toss him down and he couldn’t catch very well take it all back man
we would walk into like my parents room when you go dead the baby’s crying don’t know what’s going on
human human stuff we did it out of love but like Gerald can’t catch when you remove the glasses from Adam Goldberg age of up a little and move them the bus and he said there’s a Jimmy Kimmel thing that starts to happen if you guys look like but you’re Twins and you know how are you are you identical and genetically identical
so I guess
a guy I guess when you go home tonight you can go Dan Harmon call me fat I guess a
Andy Andy Andy used DNA to prove it
I don’t know but I didn’t mean it to happen that way and I’m not I’m fatter than you I didn’t mean it I wasn’t I mean I stumbled into it
how many pictures on Google Images come up a human hell man did ya now believe me to get a lot of thin pictures like that like like I’d make sure your teeth aren’t yellow like I said that that that humbled me greatly that face the TMZ photoshopping Eminem’s on my chin
I didn’t believe me I did not mean it wait which one are you know or Harry I don’t know what are we at what is your problem now
the after party was way better
we got on the bus and said the plan that somehow Adam was going to be the one to make all the money and be able to take care of us and that hasn’t happened genius genius for sure sometimes time than and nnn his sense of like kind of verbal Rhythm kind of like doesn’t doesn’t hit that your eardrums in the right right pattern but he’s like what he’s a kid he like 20-something something and you know when you actually listen to what he’s saying he’s like you know a lot of people that he’s really smart
his character and his personality a lot of stuff he says it’s pretty genius one out of three things he says it’s funny that likely I would hope I would be like a great fighting for party
maybe if you guys want to like take this opportunity cuz I would I mean that I presume that Adam will be listening to these podcast ads are coming out anybody would because my phone number at school he doesn’t have your phone number
maybe like you guys could send a little like a little video audio letter to him you know I got a little with folding a brotherly contact soundtrack
is there a letter open letter to Adam whatever you want to say to him just really want you to get a job
hyper tough for everyone when they saw you in the background the community and you looked within twenty years of Chevy Chase that is not a good luck
if you go and we love you we support you but take down things that you can do for me is not let him respond to this cuz it’s going to be way worse for us to that Lex Luthor death ray your ass but you got a way they would like you to make some money. It’s like kind of like what I’m skeptical of the people listening like how’s it play out for just listening are just
are you asking these people
brighter
This Woman This this young ladies that I thought he was a writer and Community could probably he probably texted you and told you that
there’s a diabolical quality to him he was working on some girl and the girl had a friend and he was drunk they were dead drunk and and he’s like no way no but he gets all the digits in like crazy weird Jedi ways he was present the moment when he walked in and he said my AT&T backup my phone and I finally got it back and I lost your number I need your number again and errands I went to give her my number
no joke man that’s no joke he’s a Jedi these are not the droids you want I didn’t put anything in your drink is Sammy Glick will end the end the end it just like the idea that there’s nothing you can just move around like chess pieces is the idea that the goal is more important then then the steps along the way it is it is it your older brothers playing
probably a combination of definitely
thank you guys thank you know if I can hear you
we never we never had a disaster Jeff we just bring random people live on stage and when it was late like your train from the for the stand up like mythology in the end TV and stuff like when somebody starts popping off and everyone gets as uncomfortable as when like a baby’s crying and an airplane like there’s a crisis there’s something happening at this is going to go bad like what’s Rob Schneider going to do
but but but are showing I know we’re spoiled because all these audiences are people who usually listen to Pie Guys that come out to drive a long way to pay money but then they’re ready to have a good time but but but like I just love the human experiment you can just drag people up and they are there like I don’t know like I thought it was going to be protective of Adam under the bus I mean he really meant it I don’t know if I should shake your hand
what is he here
this could go bad I mean I never know what this one everybody
Snipes From a Distance by The Goldbergs sniper rifle yeah he’s like Sherlock Holmes in that new remake him and BBC about him use me so
he’s like he’s like you he’s not he’s not he’s not my Bella keys my cue from the new Star Trek I’m going to get laid in Boston
Star Trek
Jeff just running through a couple more things we’re going to be in Rhode Island tomorrow night and we really are under sold there were sold out here we’ve been drugs
is it 45 minutes yet no big deal like a drive to Grandma’s house East Providence
I have a vaporizer in the tour bus
does it take about two drugs there
is there anything we can send him his people to like for him a little Caravan and come to they just go fill the seats at the Rhode Island show like
shoot well that’s all I did for us at the comedy Connection in on Warren Avenue East Providence Rhode Island tomorrow night
dial Aaron such a special button to use the pass phrase I I came here from Johnny D’s party people that door a 20-minute deep tissue massage
oh shit Spencer he’s wearing his Apple Store sweatshirt
Spencer is sharing a table tonight kind of I got my little
I already know Spencer he’s our dungeon master for those of you who don’t he is going to master a dungeon later on and God bless him but we didn’t know this guy from Adam and I Adam Goldberg with him from the old old Adam when we embarked on our tour but I Find Spencer he’s an absolute Gem of a companion to have on the bus I want to roll up a chicken noodle chicken noodle to help you guys out though and I have some stupid Turbo songs about like a hole like things up to my dick can I get is Pringles deck that is going to take us to take a sip of my dick can I do I really have a brain goes Jake I just keep my dick inside
I can bring those can because I keep my penis a Pandora song you can sing while you hold a Pringles can in your dick all right Somerville so fine on the pork pork The Forecastle of the thing is a big bear and and we’re all good last night
I met him until later that in a couple minutes I desire to sing like his own hand that these improvised my dick in the shape I want to have fun with a dick song Sweet Honey Bear Daycare
I can’t do it I know you’re kind of feeling kept failing Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup and my headspace R Us is that he was like that who you really like iron Eagles Lou Gossett jr. like mentor
with a can of chicken noodle soup a big fat Progresso can of chicken noodle soup
and then we wrote the song from there ain’t got a dick chicken noodle can work all day chicken noodle man you got across the river Jordan
it’s a it’s a spiritual take you to work your whole life is a struggle but it’s going to be hard working
chicken noodle can wear a diaper and fly across with a banner and I know there’s not get to 1 2 1 2 3
here I am I start over that was terrible I want to 3/4 I got a chicken noodle can chicken noodle soup chicken noodle man you got to work all day in New York
we can make some more braces to that too I think I got to go buy chicken noodle can make me a chicken noodle really we met when you were twenty is like a little bit to the woman he loves is like like maybe there could be some support there
maybe maybe maybe she gets her own song and then maybe like a Dolly Parton figure and go Lac
noodle in Decatur
you know the kind of rise up sisters put him in his place we do a regular sex when I’m really convinced is going to pay off its called it’s called Spencer’s complaints about Looney Tune cartoons
Spencer is a free find out about the sky in the morning 11 when they took that we took him to Charlotte he loves the sleep then we took him to Times Square he hated Times Square is a reason he’s a devil bullshit like I have a tattoo of them somewhere but I put all right let’s play a let’s play a theme song Spencer’s complaints about Looney Tunes
he hates appreciate Looney Tunes.
When am I going to cartoon
all right all right with the question.
do you guys like hers I don’t get it
honestly confused not joking anyway. Only like just crazy shit but like literally likes the real shit like a paint your own hole in a wall like it but it’s just not sell like rotisserie Road like it’s so easy
spending millions of dollars
I’m sure there’s a restaurant
alright alright honey 2
I thought that track I just waited 1 minutes 1 minute and 11 seconds that you ended exactly
and I love it
let’s go let’s go by Brittany ran over to the feds
hey really quick maybe this is just my head feels like there has been a lot of references to I was actually going to do a relationship check in with you how are you doing baby I said I think we’re doing good I don’t know maybe you’re worried about that I think he brought his portable hole
do-it-yourself whole cat and fifty thousand Reasons never to be in a relationship with me whatever I just don’t I don’t have the capacity
I’m not think the road is hard for a relationship where the tour bus and we’re in a hotel room and it’s like well why aren’t we doing it all the time because
there’s a there’s a wood block there’s a hole on one side and then like a thing on the other and we have this like swinging by to look at each other we have these Iron Man suits made of wood and I just have an opening for a Dick’s she has a dick and just rub them together and we’re snails or asexual wooden Iron Man I have not caught or heard you guys doing it on the on the tour bus
guys bug you guys not fucking on top of each other then these little these little bumps when you drop a little curtain across and yeah it was jiggling
it wouldn’t be real sex would be like I hand job or something jingling in
chicken noodle man
I’m working on it I’m going to Hazmat 45
give me nightmares
check out my Ig off my belt in that bunk because I don’t want anyone to think I’m jerking off
do. It sounds like a
what have you jerked off on
I know that I did I did in the hotel room
which which I was around for that you were getting me food
I’m not twisting title of Tonight Show isn’t I’m a good boyfriend or I wouldn’t trying to pull anything over on anyone
Harry Potter 2
that gets me every time an evil wizard
no I don’t know no it wasn’t it wasn’t one of those moments that you’re thinking that I was rude discreet about it you didn’t you never knew you never suspected Aaron of you masturbate on the bus hesitation
they’re just like us
they’re like us
see women women get Applause for that
Dateline sewer bus my girlfriend masturbated in a bunk
she’s a woman of the people having fun on the road getting it all out there
play for couple of time that’s the best one I was a camp counselor for several years
let’s get her up here
I forgot about that
specific talk about monkey masturbation
I can jump that the nineteen-year-old webmaster of my Tumblr blog is here

what’s the temperature in Kokomo
I just run it let’s get it all out like like like like like it’s weird going on
and if you if you bought Dan buck when I was editing to help me if I called her and asked a million things of her birthday a super smart and cool and I’m sorry
40 year old man drinking and talking about sex and masturbation bring up the map
I’m so sorry ma’am I am not sorry at all about this
what’s your name Marissa told me interview for the little movie We’re making she said that you’ve because she needed to come here and she can’t it’s a club it’s 21 rubber she needed a legal guardian to come so you listened for the first time to the podcast of this guy she’s a fan of
what was your reaction
do you masturbate
insane this is officially what I’m saying then Brooklyn we have lost our minds
you gibbet people and if you bring this out of us so I don’t know what what happens in this episode
yes, how are you enjoying the shower I’m absolutely loving it but I actually it was a story about Aaron kind of related to masturbation
says hanging out any recollection of this whatsoever but Ariana
yeah Aaron actually taught me what feminine wetness was
what’s the address of this place
well I remember we are all
do you remember when we used to like hang out on the porch of the bunk like kind of late at night we talked about boys and then and there was this feels terrible the podcast yes very very very early incarnation of this feels terrible but we were like we’re chilling out there with me and a few of my friends and Aaron comes out we’re like Aaron what is wet mean what does it mean when you get wet and she just got so uncomfortable and a smile across her face
tattoo Cancun
picture of cartoon owl looking at the camera
what it what did I say whether it was very clinical definition you were just playing what when a woman gets aroused she vagina gets wet
so what
okay okay thank you all right come on down everybody’s going to learn a thing or two about how do you get wet what are you doing okay are there any 14 year olds in the idea is it can I get you another root beer float what do we do if we have it we have a chorus of spiraling shape and irony up here what are we what are we
Adam Adam Goldberg is on the air again
yes what is Evan Goldberg have to say hi will we need we need you on Mike though cuz I put first of all do you know how to get wet
okay I’m sorry that was to come on up so we can hear the this this this is Matt right so you you have a relationship with Adam Goldberg
look up a bar in LA okay and so Adam Goldberg sent you a text I knew that is his brothers were here and he has a reply for you okay do you want to read can you read it if they are being mean to me ask Dad how many cool cool cool t-shirts he sold what does he think that makes his fanart who does he think that makes his fan art updates is Wiki and up photos 101 videos sure as hell ain’t the Alison Brie’s of the world I met her though
pause for Gravity look I really
play spiraling I really hard went to care about how people view me I really do
but I can’t recapture the feathers from the pillow case I can’t make people like me if they honestly don’t want to I can be a positive person the best version of my authentic self and continue to be humorous honest and loving if some people think I’m a gremlin or a robot or a Grimm bot the public sphere we can’t all be Johnny Unitas
well he certainly he certainly spikes that one in the end zone
thrown under the bus was
the rails and their hands both in front of her very patient best mom in the world and I my name is Nick made it fake name
and I see is there’s no tag but those are fake but my name is Bob Johnson it’s spelled with a Q I think it’s okay alright what’s the what’s the rejoinder
my rejoinder would be how brilliant you are
but the only way I can
he’s yeah he’s made that means I have to leave that’s what they were bug
all right we heard that we were going to run out of insanity it’s the opposite problem right we we we we we we hit the point in Day of the Dead where the elevator is coming down I think that’ll matter since we have this beautiful ladies apparel maybe we should try the song when I had to come on down to harmontown do you know
I will make it okay I’ll do some wrapping then she’ll sing the Rihanna part and you’ll be clapping in it
sorry about the show I try to do things by the cup with sometimes it blows came to Summerville of trying to do something nice I’m sorry that I couldn’t have a lot of ice but I’m still an alcoholic I feel like to drink affect your mom all up and down the kitchen sink in the drain and turn it on until your mama go down until the break of dawn turn that frown upside down they look like Demons Inside I want to fuck your mama so hard she gets twice as wide as much your mama every Avenue I fuck your mom about you being up here so sorry there’s a literal Mama behind me very uncomfortable. I’m so sorry
what’s Good Will Hunting people that’s fucking stupid
Chuck
thank you ladies
thank you mister
Missy I’m so sorry
she’s a milk crate for a stair
she all she wanted to do is raise a good daughter
what is she did everything right and then completely out of our control the internet was invented no one ever came to her home and said should we have an internet what’s that it means that of Jojo gross that horrible alcoholic middle-aged man will be a part of your daughter’s life
the names haven’t know they don’t you don’t get to choose the internet but she’s a good kid and you’ve really done something right cuz I met her for the first time tonight and she she she survived the last year and she’s not a dirtbag. She’s a good kid just keep me in a gross creepy Gasol
when we last met the trio had just been regrouping after collecting some treasure in a locker room of a great flying ship ascending a magical dark stars evil men thinking quickly that Mage conjured a squid Crossing several of the minions the ship’s pilot the Sinister Dave played by Jason Sudeikis left into action blinding tripping and flatulating on cork in a flurry of humor’s combat the two fought with knives and after a ray of frost to the eye and a critical Arrow was slain the pint-sized armored figure Falls onto the floor with a clatter the dead squid dissolves into are freeing the previously trapped crewman they cower in fear we did it so we got these guys on the run now they’re just cowering in fear
how much of anything okay listen to the podcast they have no weapons give them some weapons
you give them some throwing knives
they did they do that I go I go and pick up my glasses and then say it again not very well say it louder I’m psychologically breaking you one of them breaks psychologically
I drink his soul
Eugene free hit points
I just went down an El Ron Hubbard wrote I used to play Missy okay
I want to say sorry about everything I think you hear a voice come from the overhead autopilot disengage steering wheel of the ships no okay grab it then grab it
it’s very difficult to hold on to that the terrible bulk of the wheel but you managed to write its course and Spencer very very easy to hold it for the ships headed in the other room that’s true I think I’ll drive
I’m going to use hypnotism to get some information out of these guys okay kisses
and it’s time for my hair that’s like look like lilacs and heaven and I have turned back and then I walk into the other room
the sirens are still going off on the panel for anything that might indicate and can I use my intelligence makes stream Dan Harmon type intelligence to determine if I could tell in this panel there’s anything to shut the alarms off there’s nothing to be indicating some sort of pressure regulation warnings
which hatch if I if I want to get information out of people shoot as a sidebar is it better to use charm person or hypnotism I used car person one person I got the guy who sold you broke that happens okay is he my buddy now he’s he’s feared of you but yeah yeah what’s your what’s your name Buddy good Clint
what are you having a good time pilot in the ship I’m in fear yeah me too but we’re all afraid like what everyone’s afraid of things they don’t know but you know it always helps me when I’m afraid I figure out everything I can about what I do know so I can like where’s the ship where was the ship going I was going to the north
to regroup okay them you know it doesn’t help fear
you know what you know it always cuts through it and specificity
like like like coordinates like names I don’t have the education to understand such coordinate systems do you have the education to understand that your world up I thought we were friends yeah a good friend will fuck you up
he’s broken again
I did ask him if he knows how to get the other pressure systems back up back to normal
put look at me good cop
hey hey hey hey hey I just I was just was killed by a cabinet
an animated cabinet
a murderous creatures they know how this thing works.
But I do know how to spell various creatures name how do I get to the engine room can I see anything out of a is there a windshield there is a windshield yeah I should my oil in the engine room of this point
you do know you did something new
yes my hair is flowing and and slow motion
Sharpie
are the maps thank you there’s a musical sting indicating that you know I’d like to know what it is to be wet
with my hair down to here
hand as a ranger I know that we need to go north also I overheard you should go north
you got some squid glue go on your on your
listen to make sure those three guys don’t move you know secure him somehow
we might need these guys we might need these are not closed right now. Okay.
terrific the other hits you in the foot
I’m sorry I’ve been very distracted lately keep an eye on them while I examine the surroundings Ninja Turtle room slides open
they have some vaguely machine like qualities Pistons firing in tubes going to and fro you see several fluids pumped through the various devices you can see one off in the corner it’s venting a strange green gas and you can see two black creatures crawling across it hitting it with metal tools
hey guys what’s going on in here they hiss at you in a language you don’t understand
did somebody feed you after midnight
or get you with
a channel
Shadowrun that I cast magic call back the Machinery there’s a large crack in one of the casings that’s why it’s venting gas not sure what this stuff is so I should leave maybe maybe they will fix it I don’t know anybody
which one of the wall I take one of them and whip them out of all the other ones that get on the fucking stick
stop the gas leak
he falls to the ground and is unconscious going to system okay and he seems to like to understand him
the wheel at the bridge
Goldberg style all right I’m going to go to the room and carefully follow Jeff directions
the unconscious is hissing about how this was a two-person job
well now it’s a one-person job how do we do it what can I do I’m a wizard
will you speak the language so what are you saying I need Sovereign glue
well this is hardly the time this is exactly the type of okay I am sorry I was doing a dumb joke
is it is a sovereign glue that big Guapo glowing Jello that was in the other room of the face bubbling up to it but you don’t know who that it’s not
what is Sovereign glue look like in a yellow bottle
they should be in the locker room
I would like to go to the locker room
do you go to like a reminder in that yellow glue you do you find it
how far is bigger than warranted take to get to glue back to the engine room that happens you give them the yellow blue and he sets to work he says his agency retiring one day as it is a it with a happy in family but I guess that’s not how it improves work now
all right good day I I go back up to the bridge as you go back up to the bridge you can’t help but flashback
are you flash back to your mother’s Tales
son don’t forget the infinite fish who will eat you up at nights he’ll fly past the moon in your window in each you with a bite o that terrible infant he’ll give you such a fright
that’s the last thing you think of before you hear an earth-shattering impact on the whole everything goes black
treasure everybody
it’s it’s the coolest thing in the world
Spencer Crittenden
and a fine the fuck you to my gym teachers throughout the years
turns out this is a fine way to pass the time
have yet to earn money doing a pull-up
having a pretty good time by Imagine Dragons Mr Rayner
alright well let’s see that’s what I was saying they made it up at a town meeting no one knows why it just because his Wahlberg I was a
how many boxes do you get the repairs you do all these you have you finished Mine by the way there’s just a bunch of empty glasses and I’m happy I can measure in happiness I’m very happy I’ve had a good time in Somerville
Aaron told me that you that you guys set a record that we didn’t know it was set up for a free show sale of merchandise I guess we wait wait at you guys bought in the most shit like before the
what can they do for the total 40 year old fantasy tearing people we’re just we’re just coming through town but we do have T-shirts and maps and photos and whatever the hell I don’t know glowworms one of the fun at the Isle of Spencer play the heart is a 20-sided die
and if you buy that stuff I’m happy to sign it now so I can’t I can’t I can’t turn anybody down so I’ll be I’ll be here all night until the until the last thing is signed you think it’s possible to do it with tables really Reckless man you to Brooklyn yeah if we could somehow manage
it’s going to make sure my wallet my phone
if you find your Center first man thank you so much I will find out what it means to us where are we in our tour
there are four seasons in the year but this most special one is right
it’s up on the stage right and so I fuck your mama she was on the pill she didn’t get so I will
not have a child with her but if I did I’d raise it like Raymond Burr I teach him to be Perry Mason and he solved with hasten Justice hates cross-examined people and get to the bottom of shit
in Hermantown
sing it
rake it up
I don’t know
you were making it up, tonight
house
Richard oh my God
what’s the temperature
Cara Cara
Marissa and 54 coming up here
thank you Aaron I just Davis

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