Episode: 29 – Harmoncountry: Brooklyn, NY


Episode: 29 – Harmoncountry: Brooklyn, NY


New York’s biggest borrough rolls out the longest red carpet in Harmoncountry yet. Jeff and Dan improvise a Black Mexican guest’s screenplay. Jason Sudeikis drops by and jumps into D&D with astonishing vigor. Dan does a bad job of supporting Erin’s PMS, then stage dives.


alright let’s start this bitch Kitty
beautiful coronavirus New York
Hello Brooklyn beautiful beautiful bunch of weirdos
I have some extremely good news for your harmontown is now in session
please welcome the mayor of harmontown of Engagement your dad home
alright okay
all right
thank you
thank you very much from the bottom of my of my heart holy crap thank you and and and really thank Jesus Christ and God above what have I done to deserve this there’s a Steve of humanity out here
all I can do is fuck it up that’s it that’s the prayer that this is the coolest room I’ll ever be in its even before you guys filled it with your coolness just that when this room was empty I got a little intimidated this room feels very much like like like the Pixies must have played here at some point so that much heroin must have been done here Daniel Day-Lewis probably going to hand job it was at some point during some Scorsese film had a dream venue it would be this room it look for it for you lives listening
are you listening at home it said they didn’t looks like a town hall like it if it’s got this wouldn’t stage Jeff Podium Liz was was was was was was sanded out of an Abe Lincoln’s casket
it was still a top hat in the in a drawer or a boy it’s good to get gas stove stove top out of Correction on the type of type of a hat that Abe Lincoln ways but now that I was cheering that person for correcting a blanket good looks not bring her up you know that’s that’s not why I’m up but I guess it’s true Jeff that eventually people do tend to get riled up in the and yellow things out but we can we can we can’t lose her too but I will come up there and I was pissed the fuck out of you
I’m not intimidated by this city
I understand you can’t hear you likely shot stuff here doesn’t matter to me.
I just pop up here anybody not know who what’s going on in their life just just just wonder up its Brooklyn Jeff we could get stabbed
now you carry with that yeah that’s the that’s the hip. That’s the thing about New York vs LA like you look like like when I live in LA I got your lay in bed and I move my arms I don’t I don’t touch another person from LA
like like we we we live at like less insectoid kind of like like like like like Colonial kind of existence out there it’s more it’s more kind of lazy in sandboxie and I my friend Dino it lived in New York for ten years and
but he’s not coming out but but but I think he put it best you said like you when you live in New York like the coolest thing about it is that you live in New York and it kind of like you go to you go to bed at the end of the day and you can build a whole personality of the fact that you survived living in New York you’re not able to do that and I’ll lay like no one gives a fuck about you and I and I laying at your never get anyone’s way every time I come into work I get instantly intimidated from the moment you step out of the airport like and you forget that you don’t have the right away as a pedestrian immediately everyone’s all too happy to remind you they will they will fucking run your ass over like in the in the US I think that I walked into Soho today so we’re staying here in Brooklyn and I was the most underdressed dude in that town is everybody’s just got perfect hair and that is a kick-ass coat and a big-ass scar for some reason they’re all fancy here
everyone’s fancy and nobody says you can wear a suit and there’s a little under the bus but it will be nice to not spend the night talking about the fucking Civil War
holy shit man I am exhausted every city I Wikipedia like I went to. Brooklyn was like George Washington farted here and then they built a Bridge Brooklyn Jeff Did You Know Brooklyn Bridge first bridge between two who gives a shit it’s Brooklyn I care about is it Neil Diamond is he from
but he did what if God damn it I think you know the other that burrows it’s manhattan-chelsea Petros Broadway and Times Square and then but then Brooklyn is the biggest of all of them each of the borough’s is like one of the fingers and his hands that he that he used to sling rock with I thought that was really cool
I try to get really jealous in New York so much fucking culture I got five boroughs out of five fingers in a fist and sling rock with that hand and just like back in the fuck you mother fucker like such a badass rap like I was looking forward to seeing black people
I’m scanning the crowd and honestly in Los Angeles
okay we got some black people okay alright I mean two women arrested black people want to come up and just just for a quick interview
this is a change-of-pace I just want to see you give you a hug and pick like I’ve been in the south
do you need help up
black people are the way of the girl coming up on the stage would make me feel so cool got the black pool find out what it’s like to be black want to have a heart attack I want a black lady to give me some style donut pillow from the way home now now now now now now now
I don’t know I don’t know thank you
it was surprised you had all the power that you could have just given that a thumbs down and walked away what’s your name I just I’m just going through withdrawal
Maya blaxican Oso in the whole American melting thing good I from Nashville Tennessee
where were you talk to you about the Civil War
you didn’t Escape it who won I can’t even more of a joke you can you can make more of a joke about racism up here I think of that not because we’re heroes because we did we weren’t involved like Brooklyn’s role in the Civil War was that they were getting high and eating sandwiches and they said you know what slavery should be illegal and it’s like like meanwhile down there like everyone’s dying and it’s happening at my clothes are more expensive for some reason the ratio of like rise to the draft riots and stuff like that
Scorsese can’t really do any wrong by me
not here
share data for this is reserved and it’s empty who’s this asshole that’s
Eddie Geller I don’t need a seat reserved for me I’m calling and I said he better saying
Google home
we fucking beetles used to 3 or you just ordering a drink in back or did you just get here
did your friend say what here looks look like
I’m not able to talk at the same time I’m sorry my I’m sorry my assistant around for a second I forgot you were there
h2h okay for her to play that card I brought her up literally as the black lady she gets to say whenever she gets all the power what’s your name for coming to standard standard comedian Tang
what are you most afraid of being a failure
do spiders you just viewed as a badass with spiders snakes though. Let’s do a scene from Eddie dealers in early childhood let’s let’s do you have any theatrical background do you think you can hold your own okay okay so we’re going to do the scene where he learned to be afraid of snakes and failure
why are you so much more ethnic than me
it was the Immaculate Conception again
I never knew my dad but I just wanted you to know that I love you
today is my first day of school
do you want to give me a pencil or like any clothes
well that explains everything
I guess I guess that I guess that makes sense I guess it’s okay for you to leave a gaping seat open in the front of Totally Spies me out my first show in Brooklyn All right what what what what’s your biggest ambition what’s your biggest dream
was that put you on the spot doesn’t like me you’ve lived your dreams like I turned 40 and I got to I got to do it to her and playing this hip room in Brooklyn I’m just making up shit to do before I get hit by a car like I already had a TV show I didn’t deserve that I got fired
is that what I said
Mommy why did NBC fire me
because they have no sense of humor me
We’re Not So Different At each other
I’m Your Shadow father that you feel you feel pretty self-actualized
self-actualize I mean I live in Brooklyn and I’m a writer house self actually take it better than I can try to be a writer hero cuz that’s the real the real writer thing
I just mind you and give it to Parowan a jerking off on them
all in one motion went when I feel like I have that maneuver down I move to New York
I’ll start with a nice little place in Queens and I’ll just jerk off for a while and then I’ll I’ll add heroin to it like a
so what what kind of stuff do you write out a lot of lies so fiction but I’m working on a screenplay what kind of person where can I stream
that idea that would be everybody in LA with that so it’s Nate that that’s another nice thing about New York is that there’s lots of creativity have any here but there’s also a couple people lifting things for a living and someone has to be that you feel like isn’t like a like a Spielberg moves it won’t fall apart immediately what’s going to happen if he decides to go to Vermont like for for more than a summer friends
Spielberg is here
he’s not here
yeah I know I’ve said maybe it maybe if maybe if you pray real hard oh, I don’t know how does it how does movies work clap your hands or something
yeah yeah yeah but can we get a crane in here and like make a big enough shot like he’ll come out I’m like an expert
thank you baby monster house fans the house is a monster I don’t know how I come up with this shit
houses are supposed to be monsters but you supposed to live in those motherfuckers what if they hate you
Arab tribes idea
how did it end good I’m glad you asked
can you tell me a little bit what it’s about so that I can
it is about a woman who was born with a voice of a man like a terrible idea it’s stupid sheep joke whatever she saw a woman with a voice of a man like literally physically like she when she speaks you sound like a dude so there’s a metaphor for like
is it based on a friend of yours okay like I said you just had to lower register voices just okay Sushi cross a threshold of starting to sound like a dude so then what happens like what separates the the Peter Weller from the RoboCop like what what’s the what’s the what’s the threshold I’m a very pedantic screenwriter like I’m very structured like so we have to cross like when does Jaws roll into Amity when does you know what it what’s what’s the yellow brick road that we start going down like what’s the point where we realize I was shit she’s she sounds like a guy but now she’s got to work as a telemarketer in an all-female
black commercials Gillette commercials is selling a job
any big good thing should be sold as when you poop on somebody’s chest
you can get a reverse Tootsie in Brooklyn for $40
can you demonstrate with that is as well for those of you listening at home I’m putting my ankle above my neck and my hand is reaching down and putting my middle finger up my ass off and now if I could just reach my
yeah yeah alright
enjoy that Nashville
all right all right so how should it end okay well it should end with okay so I’m assuming like she okay she talks like a guy she’s not a good guy though she crossed some threshold where she goes in a road of Trials and see me some goddess Baba blah I’m not alright so she’s happy at a certain point that she does sound like a guy or or either that if she if it faded in on her sounded like a guy the threshold might be her starting to sound like a woman successful at which point of the midpoint sheet
all right so so you already you already written this movie
all right I have to I have to Workshop it from the from the beginning I feel like feel it I got to run my hands over the story so Joe can you help me can we think Maya and then we’ll thank you Maya
thank you on behalf of all white men thank you for being a black woman
beautiful beautiful wonderful noble black woman
blaxican let’s not get let’s get down to that like I’m probably eight things
what’s let’s keep things binary
that’s how I’m comfortable what’s the weather in your ureter 1 racer another God damn it I’m trying to mend it all right so okay so this is the woman who sounded like a guy okay
what age do we start her at she’s 30 years old she’s doing your PowerPoint presentation for her ad firm
and furthermore
ad sales will go up if we use our ad firm they sell ads
seems like a simplistic idea but sometimes the thing that’s most obvious is the thing that you need to do first my name
yes Glen
as a powerful white icky mail
I’m having a hard time listening to you staring at your perfect tits and ass and combining that with his voice but you’ve been laying down to just the title card and it’s there’s no music cuz this is a beautiful independent film was going to win an Oscar so just says like dude voice
and then she’s on an airplane
play there’s a gentleman here in a little bit later than Los Angeles Angels keep you out of the window and saying Captain stuff
so are you here on business or pleasure I’ve been noticing you at throughout the flight I’m a little shy of getting separated I just
just didn’t want to tell flight to go by and not connect with you you’re so incredibly beautiful
fragile wonderful thank you
try something wrong with your voice
hello can I can I can give you something for that
start a captain saying something from the end of your penis
talk for the Grand Canyon we just flew over it we’re on our way to Los Angeles is getting separated my wife didn’t like the fact that I what I do for a living as I make the world’s most delicious soothing and restorative chicken soup to come back to my place I’ll give you some chicken soup and we can restore your voice and then I can hear you talking that the my name is Jessica
Sharon will will pick up oh and you we need to do like another we’ll do another chapter that in a little bit I’m going to get bogged down with that
I I I I I I think a Billy Crystal and Robin Williams might end up playing a magical shopkeeper in that and that and that movie I think something’s going to happen on page Seventeen that’s going to that’s going to make that thing break wide hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering if I can soul food do you miss meeting the parents I can get out well actually now I’m into that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes related my own life so it’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker it myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest Phil married like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
this episode of harmontown is brought to you by Fulton and Roark Jeff you’re sick of us feeling all your colognes all over the place you hate liquid colognes that correct it’s my Nemesis if it’s the thing that gives me Nightmare dreams all night long I can’t remember how many times I’ve walked in on you just just covered in sticky wet cologne I have traveled and broken a bottle of the cologne that I wear and then my luggage smells like a French whorehouse for the rest of time yeah but Fulton and Roark is a men’s fragrance and grooming company that specializes in solid cologne shave and shower products all designed to make getting ready easier and more enjoyable when you say solid cologne do you mean like solid in the Jazz sense like wow that would bet Jazz solo was solid you know I do mean that but I also mean physically solid as well alone the travels in a little small package that I can’t spill all over my luggage and smell like a Mexican house so I can go anywhere
nothing to breaker spill and of course they’ll smell fantastic like a Mexican tit house
I mean there’s different levels of Mexican I mean there’s there’s there’s the high quality ones they’re the ones that you wish you didn’t go to write yeah it does funtasticks close is one of their fragrances called Mexican Town House bar soap is designed to exfoliate the skin with or without a washcloth also you don’t even have to touch it comes from desert in the night well that’s amazing that’s that’s literally unbelievable you know Spencer the GQ Magazine just names are shaved cream the very best on the market today so yeah of course I knew that way why would you ask me who my asking this guy you go to this house it’s like an episode of Hoarders so many back issues of GQ magazine there and I got to tell you my house is made out of bricks of cologne wax-based Kelowna help yeah yeah try it yourself at Fulton and Roark, say 15% off your purchase by using the code Ferrall f e r a l at checkout it’s barely check out smell good for once you
bums Fulton get your smell and good
Fulton and Roark time to get your stink on off get your bad stink up and get your good thing on Fulton and Roark not by men different Corporation by Fulton and Roark
if you if you could pick you up some if I need to bring play music for this if he could pick anybody to bring up on the stage New York all the all the people give me somebody like that is a perfect mixture somebody is from here is a funny person and that we’ve known from our humble beginnings doing terrible improv just like that has gentleman Jason Sudeikis is here
is there a friend Jason Sudeikis
I think you guys thought I was kidding
no you can chat here you can anyway anyway that you’re comfortable you can either you can sit in the chair you can stand behind the mic anything you want man anything you want
like The singer-songwriter Bill Cosby let’s hear about your wife and kids and chips to the dentist
no idea what to talk to you about to do with you but I thought it was cool that we were in town and you know before I call you Suds has the longest lasting yes a lot of people but it’s a good one is the best one criminal about Lauren Michael something something that would get you in a huge amount of trouble something that would that would make him seem like a giant asshole and and get him in all kinds of like a legal trouble and and and just Roy it’s can I see tomorrow if you set it something something just think something that horrible that would profit you nothing and cost you everything yeah
ball boy just one I guess it would be that he know I believe he took the fall for him
like they knew each other from Toronto and they like and they and he just so you know it’s like you know it’s like the guy that they took a hit at the Endeavor Reno snitched for Jay-Z it’s a very similar I don’t know I forget the guy’s name is referencing that song click but I like yeah he was like I was like
what are the what are the five reading emails sifting through his emails when he’s away from the I mean that’s not I haven’t seen him do anything with kids rainbow
I’m at the recruiting violations okay what are the boroughs cuz I want to I want to do some if and when I wrap tonight I want to be like that one guy that I heard in that one rap where he was like to use ago and I got Queens in my hand and I’ve got I got I got Brooklyn on my thumb and I got I got Bronx Staten Island Queens New Jersey manhattan-based nugget in all right I’ll come on when it was so is it New Jersey kind of a kind of maybe you’re jealous that they did they never they never succumb to annexation
I don’t know why don’t you marry New York if you like me to next so much
I don’t know maybe New Jersey’s leg like a little something to look up to their they’re proud of their independent
how many people are from New Jersey right now
what would you do without these people
I think it’s weird I think it’s weird that they’re there is half the people from New Jersey screen the other have just raised their hand on the television program
they they need professors to a New Jersey and then I live in Los Angeles so I don’t understand the New Jersey like saying like the the take a dump on New Jersey is it what did they do you can you tell me as a New Yorker I don’t know I guess it’s kind of like no I have no idea what what’s your name Noah people
let’s let’s not treat him like he’s from New Jersey
all right Noah like what what’s the what’s the New York what’s put Jeffy Tatian for the for the New Jersey hatred New Jersey basically takes all the shity stuff that New York needs and just takes it and put it in their state and thankful for that but at the same time whenever I go there it smells really really bad
all right I don’t know as a Los angelean whole city around you not known for its bouquet so all right yeah I guess since I’m not I’m not going to solve this problem come here and we can make a deal people over here
be nice if you were black but come on up
okay she’s Jewish close enough white black white black what’s your name okay Lisa do you know Noah cup of beer more like going that’s kind of odd that that that behavior himself and he had to leave them there was a flood warning
stupid stupid joke I don’t even get it I don’t know wow wow
Bible Bible I can’t remember
recently New Jersey and a Statue of Liberty from New York and that’s for a crap
that’s a dick move
the whole point of that statue is the people can you know do do whatever they want you can’t just ignored it yeah yeah we let new jerseyans in through that statue you can’t just take it on your way out so that’s crazy OK Google Jersey alright alright thank you Lisa I guess that’s Melissa
do you remember when David Copperfield make the Statue of Liberty disappear and then introduce you guys are 20 you don’t remember
I was watching it on TV I was like 10 years old and I also would you have watched it at that point my I was watching that TV and said he made it he made it disappear with like his brain and and it was like a radar thing next to him that showed up at than those a blimp that disappeared and then he was like it’s gone and they show that it was gone I was a ten-year-old kid I was watching it by myself or my parents were downstairs so I can having a party or some kind of and Liberties involved in some Bowl
and I just like kind of like I was Marvel made it disappear and I kind of turned off the TV and I really thought like that he made the Statue of Liberty disappear forever I kept I was like talking to people at school going like all that work
I know it’s a crazy it’s like and then some magical guy comes along and just like I was like being really profound about it like I like I had some insight into it and then someone said now he made it reappear after you turned off the TV
take a real deep level of object permanence for you is like
I would like a very good at peekaboo as a kid he still early if I can’t see it it does not exist
this is my Samsung checking into her

have the SUV of phones in
not alright pretty big Jodie Foster all right
you never know now. You can’t get around
can you can tiptoe around it so weird I don’t have to tell anybody that was a weird speech was every year we do this with all these award shows people at these people these actors come out and they make these weird speeches
there’s their needs
should they have a sign like ugly cuz they’re like a door you go through before you go are you going to make it
and the winner for fire top of most television series
The Golden Globe best thank you thank you
thank you for this a word I know is that you don’t care and I accept it I really appreciate it I’m going home now thank you that’s not so hard as it through before you accept the award that says they don’t care if this is a reminder really quick it’s because there’s a lot of actors out there applauding you and People magazine cares and TMZ cares and not enough people that are watching care for you to go out and have the money to do it was just it was just it was odd moment in an award shows in history famously is that the director of that decided at least that they should see people with really funny and mismatched earrings and there’s lots of booze on that table at I’ve only ever watched one I think there may be but a bag of pills on her table
hey I’m at that wedding was absolutely shithouse drunk feel like I’m like MC Hammer Annette Bening what was that what did Bugsy come out this year it was I don’t know I’ve never seen end and then she not that I don’t want you to every week
I said I’m 50 I’m 50 and then I am face and then she
how did you know it was from SNL why is it my girlfriend told me that she’s 28
all right Let’s do let’s do some old-school try to get like how did you if you’ve never seen it now you guys are safe in your fine name a couple of your favorite Jason Sudeikis catches in the last season or two
I mean you’ve known him for a good long time. I like his Joseph Biden impression
I like I like the funny tracksuit guy that does the dancing for the on the guy when it says say what I thought about making him come out and do that but I was going to start wrapping and then and then like he’d come out and do the tracksuit dance but that was like you you don’t win
Dateline Brooklyn New York
your mama so hot and forehead had a ridge she was a Klingon fuck yourself but your inner ear
nothing rhymes
cut your mama on the New York stage, I was all the rage breakdown seven boroughs of New York
City Island
I got a queen.
I want to stab my middle finger with it that Staten Island of I don’t give a fuck I got to work on that
and by the end of the night I’m going to have like it’s going to be like in my fingers is a Borough in New York with it
one-fifth of my hand is a different Borough I’m going to fucking do it
you know what I mean a middle finger fuck you
I think that’ll loosen you up once you once you accept the other boroughs like I don’t give you things that rhyme with and
is the clothes I think in the back of your head you were expecting to be bailed out by Jason coming up and doing a little dance and you were just kind of out there but that another performance I hope he’s up here as a guest I don’t I don’t care what anyone does
Joe Biden going to do
what happened to be talking about it I’m on the way home Joe Biden’s going to wrap is going to do it alone until 5 is going to rap to the stage Joe Biden here it goes
I mean you know I appreciate the opportunity damn that’s really great to be here at
yeah I really just like the type to talk about gun control if that’s alright
Simple Man and I just
does NBC own that am I going to do when you remember the cast another there’s a lot of political staff it’s hard to get your sketches in the show me sketch it may not make it in the show and have people that I think they’re probably you know in the past have been more forward about being better at getting this stuff into the Reeds made it making a pasta read through his end of the show then other people when you cuz now it’s it’s written in stone that the show is going to start more or less with the political peace and you kind of look like that person is it like the greatest day of your life. I think it probably is early on I would say that for me with Joe Biden I fight I played him in like in like Halloween of 2009 around then because Barack Obama came to the show on
my cell phone Bill Hader Bill play by Chris. I think I played Joe Biden and then cut to the summer of whatever it was summer of 07 and then cut to the summer of 08 I mean 07 August 08 he names the Obama names buying as as as as guy is BP and Fred Armisen who is playing Obama that point text me don’t know no contacts no contact with you congrats coz I got what I’m biting and I was like what what about it like he got picked out so what use will you play them I go I do I forgot because like a ball cap and fake teeth put up there’s little they put a little fake nose tip on a Miele it’s a long way from you know just Chevy Chase is going out there and fall
down here like I will never get back there anyone I have worked with him longer than any One Forever that like that like I think about you and him like I’ve known you for years and years before anyone else that would do so I’m just talking about shit in the world and then I realize all used it yeah yeah yeah
life is weird
I texted Chevy cuz we’re in New York and he’s often in New York so I texted him to see if he could make it a spoiler he can’t but I know I know I know you would have loved it
he would have been a little twinge Stephen are you will get enough like a garnish of Chevy Chase finally threw out just the performance I would say maybe just like just just as far as just like it you know I just I just want I just want I just want to say I’m going to get drunk and send voicemail
I wouldn’t say I wouldn’t say like the the the newest version maybe it may be at his most Ty Webb height
I got that
that’s all. But I texted him I’m doing my show in Brooklyn tomorrow night are you in New York and three hours later he texted back the word country
it’s how do you spell it is it two words or one word name going to give you earlier is that is that the password to deactivate is Burglar Alarm like who is he mistaking me for I want to know what this guy meant who was this guy what did he mean to people country
it’s not too late to put in Chase
please pickup the phone
my phone’s ring
that he doesn’t have voicemail
I can have somebody can only stand
at the tone please record your message Joe Biden Joe Biden is a message Joe Biden message
hey chubby is Joe Biden vice president just want to say we thank you for being a great Patriot and have fun in the country we
we hope you’re the country always want to go back to that was America
Joey what’s up pretty low stakes prank we’re not exactly the Jerky Boys it’s not going to say Joe Biden it’s the perfect crime that’s going to take fat alcoholic asshole or whatever he has made his way around the fact that my impression of Joe Biden and has anybody found anything like Joe Biden Joe Biden it’s raining in La it’s like if you like like a community sometimes people would you never know who wrote a script that had a character in it like Leonard or something was weird shit with like I wrote that episode and I like it actually translates into royalties of shit and it gets pretty pretty Grody there’s no reason to talk about that
Jason has no idea he’s never heard the show doesn’t know
Standing Ovation for Spencer
Spencer’s our dungeon master
PlayStation 2 dragons that we haven’t we haven’t set a date okay congratulations
she’s trying to write it was never really a secret just so you know
she’s asleep she’s at she’s at she’s in the country
a different country she’s down raising or what is why original Tron jokes and if you lose your identity disc End of Line Dillinger twenty-three-year-old Spencer Spencer can we do a new segment I don’t want to Spring this on you I don’t do a new segment Cub complaints about Looney Tunes very very arch of opinion about those of us with Spencer’s we’re learning all about each other this is our six top and the other shoe will not drop was read everything you learn
he becomes more and more awesome the latest thing he is going to fucking hook in his craw what’s the expression a bee in his Bonnet a hooker in his craw I don’t know he is he is up in arms about Looney Tunes
so that Daffy Duck buck that guy
do you like that he’s like self-entitled or that he just feels you know compelled to Brit to be rabbit season I mean winning when he’s fighting with with Bugs Bunny it’s it’s hard like because they’re both assholes and they both deserve to be shot and killed
kind of Gabby Douglas kind of okay but otherwise buck up
he’s wow
alright the pressure to press the character sheets okay Erin mcgathy to the stage 2 to play some going to stay there might be something for it for it for Jason to do like you can play ancillary characters in Dragon’s Age that’s that’s my nerd shit that’s why I like
are you out there
come on everybody
hello Aaron
I’d like to introduce our moms will status and cancer at Target for your Sears at front thanks for being a good sport
cancer is the Looney Tunes of disease brother
oh yeah right when we last met probably last time our heroes
last time our heroes at just reunited in the starboard side of a flying black Airship Sirens blaring and trading dark stars vessel but now together with the power of butts a lot to teleporting cake Sharpie and Will Rain quickly poured it to Cork blasting open a large door they work their way through the ship after facing down on nine acres info with a wicked with the party gained access to a roomful of lockers they found treasure from a loot of charming system beat the force to some magic Arrow
using a magical staff they found the party ascended through some sort of hatch in the floor
so less dramatic David you guys remember you were in a room full of treasure you found like this magic staff and you were writing it to the top
that’s just what happened
if there’s any bad guys or anything Jason you can play them
so okay so there’s a hatch right above you since if you can’t all pop through the same time so you’re going to have to figure out an order to go in all right ladies first gentleman obligation as last I’ll bring up the rear all right this is it like it like it is it sexist
we can talk
and when you go on a month-long tour with your girlfriend that that guarantees that there’s going to be a moment like like today where you you burst into tears out of nowhere and said I just want you to love me
we’re trying it yeah I’m sorry ladies because they don’t want to out us but I believe that I am about to have my.
TMs so it’s just tears and I said to Dan is everything cool that he said to me you got to deal with it on your own
I’m not I’m not soliciting Abu not supposed to mean but I just started crying and I was like Aaron just go to the mirror and just look in the mirror and you’ll be looking at myself in the mirror so then when I came back to Dan I was offered in tears and Mike’s small engine did the Christ what’s why I hate guys guys are you going to climb the staff or what
that hates emotion I just wanted to say cuz I’m bad at it when were one-on-one because obviously I’m like I’m like I’m like a Jim Carrey type who can express himself through entertainment I’m very sorry that we’re sorry that you had. Feelings today
and I will be there for you through all your periods
all of them they come every month but maybe not next month right yeah kind of all right I’m sorry I’m sorry I just thought it was amazing how time earlier with me and you ever cry for no reason
I got a case and you have an amazing beautiful wonderful fiance now that there’s a d reservation that happens
shoot her her her her ran is going to Mainframe
do I need to turn this thing off for the movie that you’re now in
okay I’m sorry about that I just sometimes she does cry but it’s it’s
and she cries Listen America’s oh yeah
lick her tears after stripping
they actually Revlon actually uses the mascara that drips off of her cheeks big bottle it and give it to regulate whether integral end and your fiance falling in love with you I was here Joe Biden impression
I would say the Mitt Romney maybe had more to go which I think we should I think she already love me at that point I think that Ronnie had more to do with it because she’s very active politically on the D it will at least back then on the opposite side
I haven’t I haven’t is that it’s actually it’s actually really really need you know it’s like I’m soaking wet her like with no makeup on like it’s just look at her just kind of
mean stuff and you know whether or not mean but like you know
Wonderful angel
my dialer do you put in a car that will be sent to you
not at all
not at all alright alright sorry Spencer it’s all good
I’m enjoying myself that’s what I like about Brooklyn
the governor Milford
Brooklyn has its own Governor did you know that Jeff I did not know that it’s not Mill poops and what’s your name
Marty Markowitz
hi Spencer pants for your body shape that’s the mail Markowitz guarantee Marty Markowitz
you want a pardon by suits from me
Tuesday is built date come and get a belt I’m covering you
how many Governors flag
PowerPoint district attorney need to be legislated
Markowitz your pants and make a law for every two pairs of pants
all right sorry Spencer alright popping your head through the hatch you are facing four large black leather chairs you see four people in this room a large steering wheel stands in the center and a huge glass panel behind you reveals the world below standing at the wheel is a large Dark Knight staring ahead and go as you enter three of the other people leapt to their feet they’re wearing orange coveralls stained with dark spots they quickly they yell at you in a Bissell how did you get in here
did Jason Sudeikis can do some of those people I think involved here or you could be a good guy. Don’t tell me how you can make a right and you can be one of them are the bad guys yell at me in a bit so it’s not the same man sidebar super tough to be dungeon master when a guy is got you on his tour bus right yeah yeah
it’s going to be like all your coffee didn’t roll a 3 against my piss did it
go drink your coffee is being shittin I know. 5 food and drink
all right so why you want to yell at him then
now let me know if Brian was there any earlier
Ryan Adams Madonna song about it maybe like it with my motivation when we only had about your crewmen and some random dude just popped up through this bottom hash in what’s normally an inaccessible area of the ship what the fudge from this place I swear words
the bottom of the ship’s broken
do you want to climb out of the hole or you just kind of like poking out of this whole wackamole style okay what a monster do you want to summon last time I think you summoned us Celestial be
casting your hands in a magical manner a large fiendish squid appears in the room
I drop down it lands on one of the guards trapping in under its book
guys there’s four people up there and black armor I I put a squid on them but but I’ll be darned if I’m not chaps
okay so you’re not currently in the room so you can poke your head up to Arrow
oh shit
you fire both of the arrows they go wild one strikes you in the foot
text Evan
I deserve that someone hates arrows and food
that’s what you get for having a.
Tell me if we have it was it was a critical attack on the squid on the one guy you don’t know how exactly that played out he will you don’t know what happened you just saw it you know your friend shooting are on her foot in front of the climb up the hatch and jump into the room
shocking launching into the room you’re met with a with a grisly scene although the black dark armored figure hasn’t moved from the wheel three of the men like trapped under the squid they seem unable to move or can I just can I just go up to you with my great claiming sword and Pokemon the side while we’re under the squid know because I put it on autopilot and turn to face you yes
Jason Sudeikis ladies at 11
Junction in the fuck out of this guy is your motivation
I go into a guy I go into where am I going to hate hey guys I got to find out where my hit points are okay what what am I headed right now you’re at 33 me back the 33 all right is this a good time to go into interpreter Coral Ridge
sounds like it can I use intimidate to you could do once you’re ready for you
intimidate first Rage later are you going to intimidate the black armor 2
you feel rather intimidated you seem like he might kick your ass if you’re not careful this guy directions
you see a halfling before you he’s a good four feet tall but now he’s swelling growing in size Rippling with muscles ladies come on
so now you how big are you going to attack her flaming great sword attack flaming great sword attack
well you missed sorry swinging wide your blade catches just the tip of his helmet
that’s where you want it semi circumcised

Ira group you regroup what is my spell Tasha’s hideous laughter in the person with a dangerous laughter they can’t take any other actions because they’re rolling on the floor so hard oh my God I crawl up into The Fray hair crawling up into The Fray you crawl up into The Fray
there’s a time and a place for the ray of frost oh I didn’t mention you’re holding an ax by the way it’s a pretty wicked Acts
my cat my cat like a Gibson Les Paul or something like that
it may be better than your loot
dungeon snap
that’s why I’m a halfling and this this dark armor dude I’m both these people I tried on taking on these people to do everything is the halfling so I was describing what you were seeing oh okay so yeah you this dark do a thing is your turn
I want to a unit like to do it like to crush up a billiard ball and throw it in his face like an Smooth Criminal
that that that happens that happened I want to grab a cue ball off of nearby billiard table crushing my hand to show my Superior Superior strength and I would just be want a real a real fucking nonchalant and very similar to the laughter thing but it’s from Smooth Criminal
the Barbarian is blinded
okay. His dick
what kind of car is this properly named one
that’s what I talked to do I want to okay so now I got them days off balance I want to sweep the leg it’s a bit difficult but you are wearing heavy armor
you sweep them
he falls to the Frat ground his raging Barbarian mine can barely comprehend the horizontality of his body couldn’t you could you could
I want to open up my feet apart to read I want to do it right on his face and it concentrates right in that one’s face, can you okay
what is music
I feel like my guy even though he’s dressed as well when I kind of like I’m more of an imp I guess that is what I’m getting at here you know he’s down
fart in the face like they were talking the Halo they called teabagging yeah yeah
but this is it’s more it’s more on with a cherry on top
he is nauseated all do not damage and make fun of the songs on it
all right let me see if I can get Another Day in Paradise by Phil Collins
give me Just Another Day in Paradise come down against homeless people
do you know what you watch that guy died and then do anything about it said write a song about it so I don’t know if he’s really into anything you write songs about I would say I would say oh man you know I’m homeless except for this ship
images head like a genuine moment like you try to have in Brooklyn or space
are we in space Sorry to put the hell this game takes place
famous sci-fi people in dungeons of Dragons World I don’t know I would I would just I would be I want to I just want to let you know when I have a flashlight I assume you have an ax right all right so I can deal with the other two people that that might be in that squid off my phone
so yeah do you want to lift the squid or hit the guy I got it he’s down is he at where is he at for the count like he’s he farted on yeah he’s slightly blinded okay billiard ball on my face I’m on the ground cuz he’s wet my leg
it has fiendish eyes
fiendish fiendish Irish let me know when I can cast Tasha’s hideous laughter on this parting billiard guy still he’s entitled to a will save
he passes will save the squid it’s like I’m confused when I suck
Justin told me I just told me a fact that you realized it it just got here from another plane it doesn’t know what’s up it fell on some people it can’t breathe when I say something else yeah yeah like you’re going to die
what you want to say
second of all can you take a little bit more whips a tentacle around ISM in protest
not bad
my dad hates me temp service
charm person charm person
he passes will save it doesn’t affect them had damn it who are you at this point is court of honor
all right if I take many hit points on that leg sweep now you’re just on the ground it’ll be, it’ll take you a bit to get up
well well well look who’s back by hands with him like in The Villages around in a circle
and then I die I’ll even throw in a very ungentlemanly like a breach of contract I throw my knife in his face
you’re tricky
the better of them but does it hit
the knife whizzes past the head in Plants itself in the Machinery behind him who are you
if I would have known you were going to be throwing knives I wouldn’t have shaved this morning
sick. The guys trapped under the radar cracking up
play love your antics
reduce person or reduce person that’s a classic
I know I love him I love him you see the armored figure before you shrink down in a comical fashion
is this a private party or should you pick on someone your own
so you’re about 3 ft tall now in a bit weaker
I used all of my focus
really beautiful while I’m doing at this point you’ve accrued many magical arrows so which one you got non-lethal arrows good lined arrows sleep arrow is revered among dungeon master
amazing amazing
I’ll take your car far I’ll take the whole entire time yeah give him half of a high five.
All right so when are all the weed lot of different arrows coming at me
do I have a sleepy arrow and a good arrow in Arrow that’s good for knocking people out but not killing them and arrow that lends itself well for shooting two arrows at once you should have thought of that last time and just to clarify I’m wearing armor that has little doors in his butthole area and like
Vince Camuto
Sears near Spencer I think I’m going to go ahead and do the two arrows okay
one of your arrows hits the other hits the squid
what is it
at this critical fails is really the best coolest people ever
the shoe has not dropped Jennifer Davis a mysterious Emerald dagger attack on the you use your mysterious Emerald dagger
you hit
Tucker on that sword
sword soccer
Yu-Gi-Oh late damage not bad not bad right
we got we got to kill Jason today yeah you do you get how do you get a killed Dave I’d like to be left out of this
it was my turn to return Dave okay it where am I standing I just got in where I got up standing you can’t move around too well you’re here for the arrowhead right in the clavicle play me hit you right in the stomach even though it didn’t hear your armor you feel white injured from the blow
for this point I have no I have no other option they do even though that it’s still be doing that good points heavy okay
and there will be struggling there awake they can laugh at jokes but they’re also
okay so then it’s oh yeah so then at this point I’ve got to I mean I know this shit this the ship better than these guys do I so I got to I got to say there what
why didn’t we think of that I feel
live my own life you have followed them to the beat of your own
I never knew DND was as much like Price is Right
I didn’t know that element of it I’ll let see I would I would like I would like to I would like to I’d like I’d like to I’d like to take off a headrest you know where I where I was captaining the headrest there if I hit that button I pull it up and I can get the two things like you’re having a lot of cars and use that as a weapon to go after Jeff quick reminder you do on my ex you know what we’re going to leave that thing where it is for now
and I’m going to use I’m going to use the sharp side of the axe inside The Blind Side like I mess with her earlier and I and I’m and I’m and I’m coming I’m coming after next I’m going after everybody’s next Who’s Next who is next pick up neck number one will that would be the dagger guy bold move
the ax strikes you right in the chest but pings off your armor
if I missed his neck do you hit him right in the chest it was a bit hot bit low his neck was a bit low
ankles of noxious that you don’t you don’t you don’t think of these things mean you’re sure you like it in the world the same but it’s not it’s different
the squid is dead
into the wild cast a spell that you know I do
sorry sorry
sorry about that it hits him right in the eye his eyeball freezes over he takes 3 damage and loss loses the use of one eye
I should have been better
3 is the maximum damage Ram Frost
all right it’s a level 0 spell
comes out now
things are most familiar with early shittiest
alright billion Burgers sold
wow I’m down and I to my depth perception is a nuts and with the sword an axe in bad shape you’re already shorter work and Sharpies hands and Griffin should be should I take a good arrow and shoot it at his other eye
critical hit
Olivia Wilde too pretty for anybody
pretty enough for you
well at least he’s blind
what is Spencer
Aaron McKie
does Jason Statham says he knows where we’re getting about that time Spencer call Spencer I want to go to your browser history so fucking bad right now brother
how far is squid
fun squid
we’re getting about that time maybe I know
it involves Olivia Wilde
no no no I couldn’t Place her in a lineup I wish I wish them the best my fancy liquor if you saw her
that’s not wild wild slam
people are tightly packed together and I just want it like I could do it very carefully I’m sure they have a rule against it at but if I just like if I’d is there a dog paddle version of a stage dive or you can just kind of like this very carefully very carefully do it sold I just want to
all right I don’t want anyone to
I’m not going to I’m not going to jump onto you it’ll be like when you learn to swim but don’t go backwards so people don’t like you know early grab for about a week and a half right now is a little alright wrap if you guys do the chorus yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I do for us
come on down basement. She comes back down and says you should give me some places that you put on my shoes and I want to fuck your mama Chilla pussy cheers and Boos and then drink it but fuck your mama so hard that she turned it to us, paddle going to just go out there and going to be like a rap alike
be careful be very careful everyone is going to be fine everything’s going to be fine come on down
can I watch
holy shit the Felix to Diamond Back Then
what do we do now
dreams come true come true in Brooklyn
if you could just do that yeah that’s fucking amazing
I always thought that was a good David Blaine’s anyway like you had to look at a certain angle that was crazy
all right so what time is that was a mistake. I kind of know you did it I was just I was being like everyone should experience at $5 donation you don’t have to try something different tonight in Brooklyn Brooklyn
typewriter was invented here at the south of the north the sandwich was invented here Brooklyn famous for its hats and sandwiches
but we’re not trying to end with a gentle like this new song because this rap is Dido Rihanna rap we can continue to do it tomorrow but he hurried to the stage play the stage dive in the opposite way this is reverse Tootsie stage-dive and through I think I’ll ComedySportz an improv thing and yeah I did it for the Los Angeles chapter you were Kansas City Jason originally Madison Wright
and then and then I met you guys when you were the cool kids from the New York saying and every one of you. You’re an awesome group an awesome sketch of Goldberg freshness of the funniest second sketch show I’ve ever seen in my life I’ll never forget it up your ass back there will make you up and we can go get your shine box. I don’t know what yeah yeah it’s like that
yeah switch it has changed up here now but it wasn’t there also a dude who showed up with a bag of instruments just like a stranger like a dude
back here at can you make your way up the Brett we heard about a guy that was in line and he brought a bag of instruments what could possibly go wrong with that
we’re just trying to change it out we’re going to make things a little more tender
whenever you’re ready you let me know do you want to do want to Doodle prehired fired up cuz it let’s just do it bad much as
I love you I love me drink my eat my pee and I don’t want to do nothing wrong I see Brooklyn coming at me with style as everyone here I see their eyes
please take the subway to harmontown everybody say everybody to harmontown Mama’s big fat titties and I don’t know what I’m saying about everybody wants to Dungeons & Dragons bucket I’m fucking up out of just speaking softly and I don’t care
cuz we’re going down to harmontown everybody said everybody everybody whip pee is yellow and poop is always Brown
Aspen throw it to the moon and bring it back and make love to her soon cuz I’m from a place called Tom
I thought your mama had a restaurant called Ground Round where you pay what you weigh and have fun
your mama tell a bite on her face. Don’t love you Mama but I respect you sorry
everybody saying
everybody talking with he is yellow and ready for coming to Hermantown tonight everybody
thanks for playing Dungeons and Dragons with us they took Brandon into the badass room take me to the Bell House in Brooklyn if they thinking of bread over here on the Russian
my heart broken blaxican
Eddie Vedder in the front row
but hurry on guitar
picture of course
Aaron McAfee
Jason got them to take us
thank you
fuck your mama and Tom and I thought your mom was asking
hahaha but I talked to your mama and I
Joe Biden impression Chevy Chase phone call Tiffany
find anything out about sign in
if you’re drinking I’ll drink with you I’ll see you out there thank you do you truly


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