Episode
Episode: 48 – Felicity Wackamole (Doug Benson, Kumail Nanjiani)
Description
Featuring Doug Benson and Kumail Nanjiani. Topics include Gene Hackman, emphysema, sharks, cereal, Thalidomide, Wreck it Ralph, burn victims, Dracula, Special Olympics, regular Olympics, Bruce Villanch, missing electronics and law enforcement. The D&D party flirts with sleep studies, then fights a dragon.
Transcript
are already I was just in the middle of a drink
harmontown is now in session let me hear on my heart mean in Scream
Monday night in Hollywood California Hermantown is the mayor of harmontown Dan Harmon
Jeff Davis your comptroller
that’s an interesting choice store opening musically referenced it inadvertently last week do you remember I don’t know DC Pearson’s episode when he was a gas that I said. God damn it I don’t know if somebody I told them I was lost in their eyes and was kissing them by a crystal blue Italian straight I came up but it’s like I’ve never started the show with Manic Monday Manic Monday yeah that’s probably around Thursday but it said it’s another hopefully Manic Monday they need they need a little Mania to keep them awake cuz tomorrow is Tuesday and I got shit to do but you’re good because I just got over like three or four day cold I don’t know if you can hear my David Duchovny Willie Nelson congestion but yeah I’ve been in I’ve been sitting in bed watching Gene Hackman movies for 4 days
crystal blue Italian stream was nice seeing where he’s at he’s laying face down this could only happen to the seventies it just cuts to Gene Hackman naked just finished bone in his ex-wife and he’s laying face down and there’s a fondue pot in front of us and he’s and he’s he’s naked and he’s got his foot on her tit like she’s outside let me explain she’s sitting against the headboard like sitting up in bed and Gene Hackman is laying face down towards the camera and there’s that there’s fondue at the foot of the bed so there’s a pot in front of the camera that you reach and touch of your fondue pot the second thing would be the third thing would be his foot in the fourth thing right under that would be This Woman’s tit just got a big smile on his face and he’s he saw
a murder case
my parents had a lot of sexy 70s early 80s fondue party is what was this hot oil and meat or the cheese I could tell that it was like as this situation where the actor just ask for some business like I guess I have a feeling if I do buy was requested by the actor and I have a feeling it was empty and I sat there and played with something on a stick like go ahead and nnn played with her tit with his foot whatever we got off to a slow start and we’re going to have a slow metal and then we’re going to end the shows very slowly for me or at a guy like that you know what I mean it’s like that sounds this will make people angry imagine what it’s like to be deaf no probably not I don’t think but I mean as close as
I can get like I could you kind of like talking out into into nothingness and let’s get this bread the lights up Market to compensate for my lack of other senses I’m like Daredevil but it’ll be the other way around you think your lack of hearing should heighten your vision right everything should be the other way around jeff which is a Segway into favorite segments called things Dan Harmon compared to complain about that he’s afraid to complain about cuz I’ll make him sound like a bad person thank you
okay I have 5000 Facebook friends which makes my calendar very unmanageable there’s a lot of settings that I don’t understand my Google Calendar on my Facebook or somehow interwoven and I’m 40 and I’m not going to put the time into figuring it out anymore so I just have this calendar I just got to have anything going on today and the answer’s always yes it’ll just say chip and Simmons dating our is that you CB what what was that has 5,000
there’s got to be some
trying to punctuate this as best I can man
I’m trying to show this up this been a little bit there’s got to be some checkbook I can make a check out to Facebook sure every time someone has an improv show that is on my Facebook thing I don’t want that on my Google Calendar I just I feel so fucking old I am not complaining about that it’s amazing I’ve said this before I just I remember my grandpa before or after he killed the Japanese and for our country and after he drove a truck and after he blew up in an oil tank in after he did a million amazing things right before he died of emphysema he he was he was the treasurer for his Freemason club and died and he had a little Little Mac little tiny Mac and he was just like fusing is little skin grafting hand to like learn like Quicken and and he would get so frustrated with the goddamn fucking computer god dammit
can you tell me how the goddamn spreadsheet work and I would use a computer like it’s it’s it’s you can technology is moving faster now so I’m pretty much I think I’m exactly where my grandpa was right before he died in terms of like understanding God damn computers
not exciting about no no that’s something I’m allowed to make people think I’m boring the professional puppy that that I’m breathing through a professional puppy breeder down 20 k a year just licking its paws I complain about it because you supposed to rescue your cats and I don’t want to talk about it but it’s for my cat my aides having cat that that is a wreck yet you know any cool or you know it doesn’t make a cooler but it makes it permissible because I can’t bring a three-legged one-eyed fucked up Ukrainian dog into the house with with my aides cat hanging out
who’s who’s immune system which is linked to stress and territory cats are territorial she’s she’s she I don’t know how much longer she has to live I know it’s her house it’s her rules I love her she was there first she’s a rescue cat I’m not going to bring some Maniac into the house jobs are all Maniacs come in a little box that that if she’s there when the Box is open to go okay and I’m not going to go to a fish tank or whatever
I went through a respectable breeder who’s reading the healthy healthy hybrid when is it when is it going to come in when is the Box arrived a couple of the different stages they were just born that the mother just gave birth to 13 puppies 13 puppy litter the bad luck you know cuz there’s only 12 nipples
look it up
it’s probably like $0.06 but they’re dichotomous they they have two openings on them so if for a maximum of 12 dogs that’s also not true either
Gilbert I’m assuming they would tell us in the email they sent us all four sounds like we could see little dog skeletons in the larger dog skeleton and then they would tell us a lot of times especially with a larger litter there’s there’s some tragedies you know with cats and dogs there’s a stillborn yeah I’m assuming they would tell us so 13 newborn puppies without a single tragedy is really that’s a lucky dog kind of dog you getting it’s a half golden retriever half poodle and what do you call a retriever Maximus Goldendoodle
you don’t have to call it that if you got a name for it no no we’re going to let that happen organically
are you getting lots of shit from people for not arresting a dog no no it’s just a couple people initially but now I’ve learned to walk around with a giant asterisk and cut everyone off at the pass and then I’d be a big you know for people with do miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, never met through that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes related my own life so it’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker it myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest Phil married like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
Anythink
my cat has AIDS exactly I don’t know if my cat’s name is Vivian FIV because when we rescued my cat we were told that the vet said it has a v e what’s that it’s like HIV before cat oh yeah we We rescued a cat that’s like we’re going to just spend the last Act of a Julia Roberts movie with the let’s not name it like let’s let it looks just love it and let it let it let it live it’s Wildlife that you know it will feed it and we’ll let it kind of Shuffle off to 222 Buffalo and buffaloes where I believe you go when you die
it happens that ever happens with human being but it happened we should we should have often talked to him and I just shit we got a lot of people in that fit that category I just realized I perked up like six people I want to I want to bring up Brian W Collins is he Herobrine are you here no okay that’s good I can get a replacement for him
sure everybody
what were you going to talk to him about it I’ll be honest about that with you and your your blog where you watch a horror movie a day did it bad that I’m happy to be here and talk about it but you actually it’s not even that ironic cuz you do Doug Loves movies
yeah I love it I love it I saw it last November when it came out
are very I really hate it up kind of Dan has Netflix
sick every once a year to watch Wreck-It Ralph what do you think Gene Hackman’s looks like just not to change the subject on you I didn’t I didn’t expect that was Ray Romano right I didn’t see that I didn’t see him in the trailer so I don’t even have that and then there was this one song do you think do you think he’s on hard hard health or something do you think he’s going to stop acting even do voice-overs for Lowe’s or whatever it was he was so I think he’s like remember when Henry Fonda showed up in On Golden Pond and I was like holy fuck what what happened to him cuz he didn’t do a movie for 10 years then you showed up crazy old
when’s Gene Hackman going to do that is my question because I was showing my girlfriend like like we went on this kick it like what’s my 70s movies cuz she’s 29 28 Bayern to the Tiger
the explain to her like man it look at Donald Sutherland look at him look at Donald Sutherland he was a leading man who was a sex symbol in the 70s. No few people on the planet their work he was in a room in Chandler like staying with an Elliott School look like the lawn goodnight or something
got it was guys like your dad there was like like like guys with beards and checkered shirts and I long for those days like to bring it back
go back to the 8th make a brief stop in the eighties and be a rap sensation by rhyming me with free and saying hahaha for the rest of the back in the seventies where I would be a sex symbol just for a little bit like a horror movie I’d be like The Lumberjack that came by I was like what’s going on what’s the problem
but first I’m going to fuck her and her
going to wrestle that bear
so I watched one horror movie today is that what I do, I’m going to assume does anyone know that that’s true okay thanks that’s Frank Collins lawyer of all of them or is he critical of them a positive work and all you know that has good ones and bad ones movie schedule at how do you take that many movies in the theaters or implanted in my brain yeah right now I’m watching Brave
oh I cried finally getting around to that I have the berries the salmon so I can have got my
it was a good there’s a scene in the restaurant now out of the daughter has to teach you how to fish and it said I cried I meant I’m an idiot about bears
girl is good with archery yeah yeah yeah yeah I like it though because it was it was only about women with no Damsel in Distress no knight in shining armor bulshit that it was really just about like like female characters Never Lose a Guy didn’t come in and save the day for one so I can only like Felicity
she kept that beautiful man
did he do that to to to make a point that I’m bigger than my hair or wet hair was important but she doesn’t have that hair on the Americans have you seen The Americans FX show where she’s like a Soviet spy and pretending to be American that she has short hair that’s short hair but she doesn’t have the curls she has Russian hair and she eliminated everything she got the whack a mole game right she knows that she’s a good person she did it
whack a mole
I’m assuming that I was assuming that she eliminates her hair cuz I got damn it it’s just my hair like like if she’s at she’s in the shopping aisle and it she sees Us magazine it’s just like
like fuk there some kind of off my hair and then she cut it off and they’re like a good job of acting weird your hair go and then she like gets a different job but the cat maybe the character’s name is Felicity I was trying to I was thinking maybe it was hard for her to nail down all the variables but she’s in a quest to figure out that she’s a good person I guess I can’t back that up back to Wreck-It Ralph in that kind of way that the other most of those movies you can kind of counting being touchdown like Mega Charizard like being Catholic
text Mom I’m on my way to the your kind of like now we take that for granted that it’s just you know that guy is like I’m such a good animation I can tell how alone he is but it’s like kind of profound if there’s a day that I don’t know it’s sort of feel there’s a there’s a social subversiveness to it like at all that filtered through its movie for kids but yeah I was watching it cuz I know anybody in particular I really have to thread a needle cuz there’s they enter the character in the movie that’s like congenitally Afflicted are they going to as the moral going to be that she needs to not be afflicted or is the moral going to be that her Affliction is a gift but lately cuz it’s hard to get through this highway comes these days and I thought they got to him as well as you possibly can.
I forgot it was it was like other evil people in the world that made you Afflicted but your Affliction is a matter of perception so as soon as you just participate with your Affliction you stop being Afflicted so it’s really just a reminder I get out there on a dancing show and just get out there getting their faces in might Stars babies even a thing anymore
Captain patties confused
are you and we’ll see you on the Lido deck after the show he’s going to put your epaulets and metals on who’s going to have a parent who show their going
he’s going to tear up the roof of our mouths is Captain crunch’s how to do so sorry for those tear up your mouth next to the crunch itself cereal and it was because they were Reese’s Pieces in the movie that was peanut butter chocolate cereal in the shape it’s a little ease and tease cuz I assumed that they couldn’t make him the shape of a bike or somebody and then it was like gone off the shelves immediately and I know it wasn’t cuz they were delicious and I know it wasn’t worth selling so it must be because they gave me cancer waiting to find out that ET cereal gave me cancer
nice try extra tasty
delicious
I got a kid on the other box that’s like a burn victim was like okay
yeah you’re right because they’re funny too late am I baby
have you tried Lincoln knows those are pretty good nose like a freedom freedom
hose because have the craziest things, but a concentration camp that’s of the best all right well I was what was Hogan’s Heroes based on the success of that film parts of that movie about the guys in the concentration camp right and then make it a weekly series exactly where the where the Germans died in the new do you watch the mash movie and it’s like a Robert Altman films and it’s like this weird Meandering thing about the pretty much with a football game
the movies and in the eighties but you assume Can a driver not been in the Korean word that means something you got to go to a fuck what happens when we shut up
feel like I’m going to ski house and we’ll talk
you’re about to make a scary movie
did the lister’s love it when he talks a lot off my click that well not off my some of some of them like it when you talk to him like some of them down it’s like a whole thing sometimes you do I mean I don’t worry about it I kind of like I let God decide
that’s a smart
so it depends on what type of drinking audio running my show look like a steel trap it was just a question I know he’s he’s a he’s a mixed bag I thought if you if you if you open this box here what watch is that on his profile says on Twitter mixed bag a microphone is dangerously being extended towards Adam right now hold on to it pro
do that what’s supposed to happen so has no microphone
it’s the danger zone last week I was hired on to production manage ski movie called Avalanche sharks
weird hands of the Lord and it was renamed Avalanche Shark then Avalanche sharks because they couldn’t determine how many puppet sharks should be furnished for the scripts this was a huge source of contention so they’re still making ski movies but they keep killing all the actors with the puppet so this is it this is a movie about people skiing and then there’s an avalanche but inside the Avalanche there are shark or the Avalanche was caused by sharks I couldn’t get through all the way through the script that was supposed to be working on
yeah that’s that’s about it I’m going to make you Adam what’s the time
what does bring up an interesting point is a fan of movies and probably a fan of crappy movies and talking about him what what’s your what’s your what’s your take on the account of the Syfy original movement of like mansquito and get Gator Bader infections human dental floss and like things that you’re like 10 15 years ago you might be might be around my age like like like the greatest thing used to be to get high and go to the actual video store I walk up and down the aisles and look at pictures and read backs of boxes and go to like sci-fi Syfy kickboxing sections I’m going to make a good movie to watch the result and now in this post Piranha 3D post is like mansquito world is supposed to be funny
itsfunneh
stores where do we
I don’t have one but where do you go to argue with your girlfriend to have a horrible relationship with Tom Hanks Meg Ryan aisle before the actual human dental floss Association in the Box by the American Dental Association to tell them that they should be working together because debt dentist aren’t paying attention to Madison they’re focused on the teeth and I need a doctor and he’s like what are you guys doing here and there like what you preach in the whole world going to be teeth right and then he got a virtual chamber to show you that there’s like a tooth chamber and he get locked in it and then they think they can maximize the calcium raise and eat in between the teeth but is it because of his medical knowledge he’s able to keep himself alive as his body is compressed by the tea so he becomes
human dental floss by the page 20 and then he goes out in the streets and he finds that he’s able is a lot of heavy-handed metaphors about cleaning with the the the streets in this video a lot of got gum disease or what they’re bleeding that’s a sign that it needs to brush harder Richard Marx is in it. You fuck around I wanted to fuck around with my friends and some cheesy popcorn intentionally a movie I I don’t I don’t seek that out there’s this funny movies that tried to be great and are awful but I like to watch Olympics
I called special effects
will try even harder brought to you by
Olympians try as hard as real Olympians they’re just special when they’re trying that’s not again that’s made and then don’t murder their girlfriend through a bathroom door that’s a reference I will pretend to get because I’ve ever
damn you really don’t know the story about the right across from this is not real there is a guy that ran in the regular Olympics the last Olympics and he has is missing both legs below the knee on the Blade Runner
cute metal-to-metal like henna hooky things that he runs on people’s like many runs like that look like Springs I thought it was cheating
I want to know how much are they calling a robot are now calling him like I said they’re like Blaze and his two metal things on your thing and now he recently is under of a murder investigation for for shooting his girlfriend to pieces and then in the bathroom he thought it was a burglar cuz a lot of burglars with what the first thing I’ll do is take a dump and
and do energy father look to see if his girlfriend was in bed with him that’s the guy someone just handed in a phone with a picture on it and he so he shot through the bathroom door cuz he thought he was a burglar do you know what is a my racist cuz I assumed it was black because yes yes you are
the murder because of the because of the Olympian prowess because of the better athletes and I was like it was it was it was reasonable racism
you said he was like I’m an amazing run and I didn’t hear it was just like I just picture to the fucking amazing Runner two it’s like a robot right leg than I pictured an awesome like that because it has two in some way so minut way or maybe some Grand way affect your your new perception of this guy I hate them more because I was raised in the same place I thought it was black was like well maybe what is this woman do to him
turns out she was just beautiful and trying to take a shit
hey I know you got lots more things going on tonight I’m going to take off but I have a green
read the writing on the wall when he got out of sages I can if if if I’m going to get out of here in an orderly fashion and it’s going to be because of professional schedules this thing
all right to his point that I’m not I’m not plugged in at all anymore you know we haven’t we never talked about that fucking like crazy super villains that that that cop that went nuts and was like shooting other cops and they bring them to death in a cabin of blah blah reasons and ship that went down the lapd’s would like to shoot up a bunch of innocent fuckers got chased by other bad cops and everybody else died
yeah that was like yeah that was a rug getting like I got in the middle of the room and my friend Matt Gourley was just superego podcast and stuff and we’re looking for for Airsoft Figueroa Boulevard downtown South Central and with another friend of ours Kenny and a car goes by it and backfires and that is really happen anymore like like you know the limitations bro I’m going to get that should check that fell down like he’d been shot and then an LAPD cop car U-turn and came up on the curb going the wrong way on the street and two guys emerge from it two officers with guns
out of their hope is not pointed at us but guns out of their holsters screaming to me that keeps walking
backyard I got, I got back up or whatever and the cops screaming at me
freaking out not like like like poop
no cop shows up losing their mind and now this point Kenny is getting up and he’s fine
what’s the weather in the car backfired bro
Christ Jesus Christ
guns away
which country is called cops are human I mean that’s the best, I almost got shot to Pieces because he’s got to be there because they thought that someone got shot and I didn’t know thank God because I think that they’re not cyborgs are like like I don’t know I don’t know they panicked because they thought someone actually was weeded out a crazy post-traumatic stress disorder cop threatened to kill everybody in the LAPD and yeah well I mean God knows Jesus Christ in the in the country that strangely I know this only because I wrote a sitcom
a script for a called called top house
so high so high so high research I forgot that was it was a cop
kind of like Monster House
here comes the neighborhood
house is so tired of being broken into their monsters but some of them are trying to make things right right there are over 18 million 911 calls about much are houses in La at one house and had too much
I was researching the LAPD it was like in the wake of the Rodney King business and then there was this other was it on the tail of that or break before that but it was like the rampart Scandal where there was an anti-gang task force in the LAPD was like a huge gang problem let’s just look devotee a force of police like a little Squad you guys are just anti-gang in Rampart District like like like you you that’s all you care about is just like lick gang activity just get it down just like saying the RoboCop just like go get them boy make an amazing movie I’m sure they probably made three bad movies about it in one sense or another that I’d like Jake Gyllenhaal herbivore Shia LaBeouf in it or something but because they were at that you know they that they had to get out they just got mired in Italy the bad thing about that is that they’re a gang that you can’t call the cops on at all so like they’re a gang that has poop
horrible things happening long story short and if there was a cop here in the in the audience or somebody who worked in law enforcement I’d love too easy to like pinata the most Lowe’s Kevin Admiral over but the LAPD is the only police force in the United States history to my knowledge that has ever been like it had to have the Department of Justice like take it over and I oversee it like every other city that you can name it as a police force they have their ups and they had their downs and they they have their scandals and it’s tough but the LAPD just had so much shit going on in a row that at one point the federal government started running the LAPD which is so close to me consumer products coming in like the 90s and who cares it’s fascinating so Google it. Sorry and bring up more
friends who do you got
start off of Spencer on stage
Spencer dungeon master
I lost the button in the in the bathroom yeah I know you told me you was going to feel
what what’s going on at the Apple Store
oh okay so there’s a thing called PTI physical inventory it happens twice a year and usually we get like 2 months to prepare for it and they told us like 6 days ago they’re like pee eyes in a matter of weeks they told us under three weeks ago I guess around and Andros are two people down on our team so we’re kind of screwed but also it’s fine it’s like it’s like sweets week this is a crucial times yeah yeah she has as you guys might know I count stuff so this is counting to the extreme
this is this is where the till has to match the
will you like vegetable we have computers that we use and we have like iPods that we use and iPads and like there’s a bunch of them but we got to account for all of them and make sure all the iPads are in order and they get lost crazy you wouldn’t think you’d lose stuff like that but it happens and people hide them and stuff so why not expensive in the backers like woop woop woop nothing do Apple employees is a possible and that cuz that those destroyers are so slick and if so it’s a well-oiled machine is it possible to steal stuff in the back of my employees to Trader Joe’s and I rub that soccer blinds
but doesn’t potato chips in fucking beer and shit like when my older brother work there I heard stories of sometimes that stuff happening but I’ve never seen it happen and if I did I probably shouldn’t talk about it but honestly honestly I haven’t seen it happen so well but like you said was some kind of yeah that was a joke yeah like a biopic where Spencer is like a it’s like a period film created in the future about like a great apple thief we had an idea they give those back to us they don’t need those batteries you take those batteries out that’s two Double A’s that’s a potential profit of you know three to four dollars on the black market
I see what you see you just swimming and batteries back, just just dealing in batteries
now I don’t know it’s a good idea right now to make Blanche Delta pretty strong blow to last week I said to recap varies as quickly as possible what I said my mistake was kush Rob schrab told me third-hand we’re at the office and he said and I recounted this thing I owe somebody wrote an article and they said hey you should Fire Bruce Blanche from the Oscars that’s how you make them better and Bruce Vilanch wrote a comment under it saying well I’m very sorry you don’t like me but you know we all wrote that after opening together and blah blah blah Legends and gossip gets started because somebody linked to that article I went looked at it and Rob was not inaccurate and what he was reporting to me but the the Asian American Telephone of
turned it into I don’t know what the Chinese telephone was a black guy earlier
because we already talked about of this podcast and I don’t want to become Prairie Home Companion or it’s just I go and I’ll be bop a rhubarb rhubarb pie
but I I I I looked I looked at the article that we were talking about for those of you who listen to begin a couple episodes back and I looked at the comment that Bruce like wrote and I don’t I don’t think that he’s guilty of anything worthy of me like maligning him that he he said we wrote and we rewrote the Oscars together kind of like which is in general is true I mean we did sit there in a room together and try to write jokes that you jack when should be saying he didn’t he didn’t actually he never he never said it was like anything that he’s not he’s not a weird liar Bruce if you’re out there listening you’re just you’re just weird think I’ve had repeated some Erin mcgathy always are apps out when she going to go to the TSA checkpoints and she keeps saying this thing that I repeated on stage which is that they’re not a government
agency their private company and then somebody tweeted means that what the fuck are you saying what are you getting my lifted up there that’s not true either
what one should be careful sometimes when we don’t want you to mention tens 111 their own garden that’s that’s how you stay honest that you don’t have to worry about saying something that’s needs to be retracted Spencer’s mom is lesbian yeah so we didn’t actually end up looking around
why do you think I would call her a lesbian
that’s a title I reserved only for women that won’t won’t won’t won’t do it with me and bring up Kumail cuz he’s going to play DND
hello hello is that. I thought that was a sound bite my congested ears heard that as the what was it rap beats by the way I work at a school that had laptops and I was responsible for about 300 laptops Mac books and I probably lost about 70 of them and then quit before they could count and I just because I am friends with these people are working for five years and I was really good at having them not find out that it was missing that was like the only thing I was good at
that’s the one I was leaving with this house of cards and I was like Hey I’m going to quit till like 1 but we need you know that you’re going to find out how little you need me
not how much You Wish I Was Here exactly and I just left and I ignored their calls and I just never fucking talk to them again and they stole or sold any of them they were just disappeared I don’t know what was happening more often a job they had where they walked away from it would just in fucking like burnt down behind each $1,000 even $70,000
and I just left I went to a different city and I changed my career and program went under the year after I have
about how do you benefit from a pension in like somebody was doing know this is on the south side of Chicago which is like a pretty rough area and kids are always at getting over bad as part of town Bad Bad Leroy Brown is that what would you like me to take if you think I’m just saying come out with you go down there you better just beware
a man named Greg Brown the children don’t know what you’re talking about
weird old man right now so accurate that you could have conversations
we got it back I had also have something right right up with cops by the way I grew up like I said in Pakistan and it’s so corrupt they’re like the cops are just uniformly back pockets in India if you watch any movies with the eighties and nineties the bad guys are always cops always got so I like movie in a fucking like I’m so I hate him and I’m like I don’t know I’d still distrusted the worst job that no one would rather do cops let’s throw in a stylist I mean, I mean break the cycle by throwing a country where we kind of wheat we do tend to
I know that every penny counts but we also have spent more on where it’s like don’t you break the cycle by that guy hey from now on being a cop pays a lot lately and I don’t you think because right now we’re at the Spaceport doesn’t pay that much and you might get shot that people going to do it like you need cops but a lot of people become cops you don’t want to be cops I got I was walking across the street I was jaywalking it with my wife who’s not very threatening looking at all these fucking cops pulled up and they started yelling at us and like they had they had me up against the wall hands behind my back and I was so fucking angry I was asking them I swear I was exposed as the biggest bust you had
and I was like what is this why you got into the game I called it’s the game
and Emily take your shift and I just done a show at the Echoplex at The Echo and I left a bit early so while I’m there all the people who just seen me at the Shell I walking by and there’s not a good time right now
pretty cool omigod the next week you were opening the openings bad closing know there’s a movie called Sharknado in Oklahoma tornado and the poster is does a tornado would like shark heads poking out of it if I know it doesn’t matter. It’s real right
yes in a shark’s there dizzy and dad you’re if you’re auditioning for the role of the mayor in the First Act nothing to worry about baby said they can’t stop moving. The first thing was what was keeping them alive out of water and tornado is water when it was a water tornado and a hurricane
but there’s one house that won’t be taken over by the Sharknado in bed I was doing it’s a truism that’s the sad thing is that now irony has become I think it’s a good thing it’s an invitation now to like I think that we used to live in a world where the division between the people who made entertainment in the people that consumed it was so thick that it was you know one of the most enjoyable things was them doing their job wrong but now we can all do it anyway so now it’s like where’s the first thing we’re going to do is go to shows called dick dick
douche crocodile enough said no I don’t need a big more look at that not enough said how about this there is a thing it’s already being made called called Sharknado but there’s but the one Adam Goldberg was talking about Avalanche Shark didn’t even go buy charcoal and sure
Cherokee sharks are officially the new ninja shark like Mission Impossible
sharks that have a shark Avalanche then it was Avalanche sharks when they had three puppets and then they cut back on the number of puppets and then it became an evening with a shark off Broadway
that’s how Hollywood works.
I guess it was a it was a kind of a parody of Jaws like Tremors was written like in the 70s really after Jaws was popular they wrote the script that was like I was like they’re sharks but they’re under dirt instead of water and it took that long for Tremors to come out gross is the only one who keeps coming to get done all of them so there is one that said of the Wild West it’s a prequel Michael grosses Point light by home Mike Mike Michael Gross the news or the Laura they should have showed up and what are the odds that Michael Gross comes back because I have a lot of problems local radar
replacement DND do it
cheapest price don’t ever ever ever sneak up on me
yep her mic is not on
shark Lobby the big thing right now is called himself a geek today don’t come on nerds will have to come up with new ways I bet that didn’t somehow that the that the robot Ninja Abraham Lincoln shark laser like kind of like that that concept that all comes from that comes from this period of time and it was like we were being dispensed entertainment by this big thing so there’s like this Wacky Packages I already going on to it is there a Crayola crayon that will be a precursor to like a new I think
it’s funny I never will be like exactly step aside
there’s some shows on Adult Swim that make me feel so old
I don’t know I watched like what like Squidbillies have you seen that show it’s impenetrable
I’ll tell you something I watch that made me feel 20 was like fucking the most powerful guy in the room there’s a movie called the ABCs of Horror
what what also sucks about that poor man is that you’re hyper aware of how much of the movie is left the way from we’re going to learn, but you start to going it’s not starting it’s never going to start any but if it just started going to start feeling pretty OCD about it like we’re already twenty and we started the first so she actually told me that was it was a part of that project they said yeah we got them and we had to shuffle the order cuz we had to so we started pretending that the letter was a different light you made a shity one called the ages for a helicopter cuz it kind of guys head up but it was so shity they would just go let’s just say your hat is for pilot
yeah oh yeah oh that sucks literally like four or five scary ones the right there is a there’s a cartoon about a woman trying to get her poop inside a toilet what do you mean
I need the phone out of her or is it in her class so we’re going to be together
I want to go
alright it’s Dandy time I say all that now
text Mike x-ray
if you would catch it up
when we last met the group was Plumbing the depths of the ruins of Mushu Chris de Burgh was caught in a deadly walk crushing trap thinking quickly the Rogue found a narrow escape and left with great alacrity through a hole in the floor Landing in a dink dirtchamber Sharpie Cork and will rain we’re not far behind and after some crossed wires the group managed to slide down the button staff working on unlocking the chamber door the Rope toiled while the rest of the gang search through it wasn’t long before the group was besieged by snakes after seeming to fall for more and animal husbandry the snakes transformed into you Auntie soon as your servant people after putting on a seemingly clever disguise the Hat of Disguise the game tried to Pat the convinced the snakes they’re holding a hostage but quiet stalking Decker ruined the game with his sharp tongue bowel move down but not out they launched into a new gak work creeping behind the lead snake and Sharpie pushing them over the crowd chaplain tripping
this poop does make people into losing their bottles of poison arrows which structure pee in his chest and arm he began to feel drowsy and as if it is cute is feeling numb the party managed to kill two of the photos before the last member of the group group Legend snake for managing to elude the parties grass after combat ended the road managed to finish picking the lock on the door. Through the crack in the massive treasure room for them just been sharp he felt a rush of dizziness and lost consciousness.
I’m convinced Spencer that you listen to the podcast that you’ve timed out the music you and you write this dude with with two to beat I’m perfectly to this I mean the thing is like I write it on my iPad nowadays and I just write like the same size as well there’s a video of you the way there is a Bruce Springsteen practicing his opening now okay
urban legend or a real tape out there if there’s a real tape of somebody slept over at Bruce Springsteen the house and found a tape of him a VHS tape of him practicing Dancing in the Dark in the mirror from a guy that guy that drove the entire Black album was he when he was a guy
I know you bring Reaganomics it was make sure it was extra cool to be lower class Reaganomics so we rolled out some rich people with bandanas that was the best class in history was Reaganomics
can we see that stuff is falling down it’s yeah you’re in the dungeon though I mean like you’re having a drink
animals getting stabbed
I’ll look out over the ocean and instead of the sun rising over it it’s my dad’s head and I start to run away
I run through a nearby jungle and I come to a cabin and I go inside and there’s a birthday cake there’s 13 candles on it going to fish in the middle
at 8 pick up the fish and it looks at me and says Sopranos reference so I put it down and I go with my second thought
I go to a fireplace
and I start to stoke the flame but there’s nothing but oatmeal in it
and then I wake up or cut to them cut to them hey what are you guys think he’s dreaming about same old stuff probably
so I’m wondering what time I’m working on the lock you would just pick the lock and you guys had opened it and your treasure inside a room let me see here you can see a large Stone chamber in the Centre of which is three large humanoid statues and next to them is a small wooden shed and a few wooden buckets behind the statues is a massive Stone staircase leading up about 80 feet and large tiered steps at the top is a massive sarcophagus made of obsidian that’s surrounded by several chests in Barrels in basom still good Goods I should say he picked up in some form of tribute in the middle of the staircase is a massive deep black crack and Inky Darkness blocks out any light that you couldn’t help seeing to the small cave UC coins tossed around the cavern in the chamber to chamber do I have any sort of antidote or something I can use on them I don’t know I mean what is the say anything like that you shouldn’t I shouldn’t I don’t think so I’m what do you create
play some sure I don’t but it happened a while ago yeah but this is more of like a sleep or sleeping poison so it’s not deadly it will you don’t know really you saw it it’s freaky I could take out of a pen that I draw a dick and balls on his forehead
I teabag him yeah
and I pray like a government swastikas at tried to get the horse to fuck
how do I take his hand and I pretend that we’re getting married I put his other hand in a bucket of warm water
and then I just pissed out of hand
McDonald’s McDonald’s on his hand
because that’s not the way to revive somebody in the Barbarian Clans are we went with a great way to bring them out of a stupid was it a great way
sounds like the worst way it was the only way it’s okay
alright well I think we should probably look through go up here he’ll be here in the statues with faces are worn off you’re still do you want to enter the room yes to the room or the room I kind of like robbed off the dick on his face if you want to redraw it when I go back in a minute and I re-ink a dick and balls on his forehead because it’s going to be hilarious don’t know we should shoot him with it just to be saying
where you going to shoot him with arrows that make it clear I was bullied as a child
and or molested you guys hear this and feel bad for your pranks
Saline MI
disguise make him dance mother
okay it was bound to happen it’s technically something that can happen yes
wood waste them all right yeah will you your disguise is what you think she looks like you don’t actually know for sure that’s just Sharpie without a beard
what happened when they examined the statues slightly creeped out by by a woman in love with a man pretending to be his mother while he’s asleep
Christian enough to not pee on him
though I go into the room until I get the statues on a couple seemed admiration or maybe the one is larger than the other two its arms are stretched out in Triumph and you can see words scrawled on the base of the statue but you can’t really read their language I can read that language right I mean you don’t know you haven’t seen the right
I attempt to read the writing it says merrshaulk
does Marshall what does that mean
you realize that it’s part of the history of this plane merrshaulk is an ancient and dark God worshipped by the you Auntie or fucked to Sharpie Ojai
becoming a suppressor is not going to help the situation I’m going to fix it
good job in that bathroom there
like a champ
I just wanted to let you know that what happened in there doesn’t make me love you any more or less I just want to promise it’s not going to happen again oh I know you know what I exist in every enemy that you encounter any any any
I love I love my enemies and I hate myself
I want you to compartmentalize me okay
apartmentalize all Humanity compartmentalize everyone
I am glad
I know my feelings
not too bad I don’t think this is working
I’ll be so turned on right now.
Okay no no I awkward to walk over to where he is
dirty clean it
hey where y’all at any any positive feelings that you have about me I want you to transfer them to Maureen and any negative feelings I want you to imagine them going into a dark Devil’s box
not not us vagina just an actual back
and imagine it being set on fire and then being eaten by a monster and it goes away forever
how did that go
459
I made some big mistakes you guys I thought I thought I understood Sharpie I don’t think I do I’m very sorry I’m very sorry he wants to he wants to help but there’s trout for all of his gifts as there’s clearly a is it there’s a deep to the Deep pain that he masks and like I’ve tried I’ve tried to clean that pain is so many times
every time he falls asleep but has one of those names I got clean it I’ll do it and I constantly just jerking him off while he sleeps never seems to get him and his sister just makes it worse I never claimed to be I should try it that my I’ve never cleaned his penis
can I eat can I give Chris might have this guy so he can become dance mother different disguise
I give I give Chris my ass hat of Disguise
you’re amazing dirty
hey I don’t want to do this
I feel like I need to shower
I grab rivers near me in my dream and hold them tight
Chris
I stabbed his arm
do we need a roll a die with a knife is very lightly I know he’s asleep so it’s not a task to hit him so I hit him I’m sorry I’ll just do that but not to hurt him yeah okay you do for not lease will damage
do you love me you wake up now you’re awake
have any weird dreams or anything that usual
do you want to go out maybe I’ll just go freshen up a pool they have like swastikas in Dixon
you’re in a right state I’m going to keep these here forever that’s the way I want it
I want you to feel bad next time I’m saving your life is going to be a guy with dicks on with my head space that you drew
they come off no not making them permanent with a magic spell
any Sharpie
I’m going to I’m going to make them a magical to a special ritual called not bathing can we go upstairs and cracking them so we can jump over the crack well I mean you have rope I guess so you could probably do we go up all week I have a rub you and I know I’ll fasten the Rope by I take the rough with one end to Chris de Burgh tight around me also the password to one of the statues the cowering one to the side and Fenton and hoping you have an anchor point for the for the ropes we can walk up and running bad happens Chris de Burgh I’ll reel you back in as you tie the ropes you feel a chill crew over the room and you feel an odd presents
you can hear my voice so sorry do you want to go no go ahead sorry but no it’s fine it’s funny you you hear a voice echoing through the chamber not here fighting football against metal covered in piss
that’s true out of the crack in the staircase protruded draconic had followed by a large green form that you know I’ll do well a dragon it’s 2 ft job openings in anticipation and bright blue and green Globs of saliva dripped onto the floor sizzling and bubbling on impact its doubles or crown with a frilled hood that extends like a cobra’s laterally down the body odor of chlorine clings to its scaly hide and it glimmers with an emerald Sheen around its neck you can see an iron collar and a few long chains dangling around the as the beast moves about how about you try going up for by he already came out good but get back here and let’s regroup for a for a concerted attack here
is if he within I get back with them but you can’t see whether or not they’re attached to anything I suit to sleep arrows to sleep arrows
one of the arrows strikes and hits him right in the neck
he doesn’t have any effect he stays awake I do a fire sword attack far sword attack pulling you’re a flaming Greatsword from a sheet do you want for all of our sword attack the streaking blade of wind goes awry and hits a wall or something it’s when you can’t see what it is you know
hey Sharpie should we look at this book and see maybe there’s something in this book I think it might be that might be for another time like I don’t know if we have time to do that in combat am I wrong about that we can hang out in okay
he opens his mouth wickedly and sprays a corrosive green the spray of acid but you all managed to dive out of the way
it’s limited to humanoid forms so
I didn’t answer that I have a discount is breath weapon that sucks that’s crazy you could all died there really what kind of person are you sick person hey what’s up I have a poisoned dagger can I throw it at you can throw it at him you can stab him with it you can
what do other things what’s stronger you it would be stronger to strike and with it but that also you know you’d have to be in range of them that’s it.
what do you guys think should I draw it attach a rope to the dagger and throw it so I can get the bagger back quickly tying a knot around the Jagger you tie a knot around the dagger is that my turn no okay now you throw it it only goes a pitiful like six or seven to eight
also the not undoes itself
I feel like the pitiful was the editorializing Nonono you roll up for on the tie rope to dagger in a three on the throw dagger to Dragon so that’s that’s the dice
let me ask you something about my spell reduce person on you 5 minutes ago
respect
I’m going to castle at myself my plan is to get around behind his line of sight is a tiny thing that’s so small that in the Dragons World know it would shrink you down but only two about a little smaller than a quark size not all right all right okay okay let’s see here Celestial giant be Celestial Janet bombardier beetle riding dog Eagle devil squid Wolf Monster High tomato
monstrous scorpion stuffiness shark monster spider Phoenix snake lizard waterborne piece that will simply lay there and die
I kept my eye some of the Scorpion the giant scorpion summoning a giant scorpion with a snap and I wish it appears he could you have them pick up my knife on the way back
on the way back I don’t have to do it on the way that no wait to your orders it awaits his orders attack the dragon will you Keith
I grabbed the knife on the way back and see if you can grab Krista Birds knife attacks are dragons
with its Wicked Sting the Scorpion attempts to attract the dragon but it backs The Sting aside with oh well flutter of its wing
Spencer for real I am aiming really like
Georgia snap that’s probability Spencer keep on doing it yeah okay girls flies to the left and smart but the other plants is celebrating the dragons chest how much damage does a deal having a lot of can I consult my Decker yeah man hey hey hey I’m sorry I’m sorry to be a dick you know I just like stabbing people Dragon I mean do you want me to stab that Dragon I’ll go into a Berserker rage and the end end end you and world will do some dual tag team Dragon stabbing could you pick up my
well I’m going to be in the freezer k’rajo probably be the last guy you want me back I’m trying to do it on the way there
I said before I do that I just go over pick up his dragon dagger and bring it back to Christopher okay but you can’t attack now better and reserved dragon attack your cells directly into the clutches of the Dragon
Rosa has some math here yeah yeah I know you strike it right in the neck
deep slash on its flank you are managed to deal with you guys at 11 damage can I try and intimidate and I says I can intimidate you definitely can try to intimidate it what it what do you want what what kind of think you just want to be like something
you know you could have arguments so you could just make noise I mean I’ll be like hey I had a song that was number one on the charts for
for a long time so back off what’s up what’s your intimidate score you know on this the skills it doesn’t say anything do not have any wrecks in it but it’s checked okay it’s check so you guys then that’s just your charisma modifier
but as I’m intimidating am I sneak League grab my knife he seems to Flinch back if you manage to grab your night
repeat
is that possible I don’t know dragons all that well is it possible that he’s being chained there and he’s been in prison to buy something that we went but what if we are used to it we could use diplomacy for Raging you I should mention yeah yeah yeah I know what you going to do for paralyzer yeah what are those do you remember when you were in the infinite fish and you went to the store you bought us some rope some potions and some paralyzer is full of the presumably paralyzing fluid okay are they are they do they come in ready injectable syringes they come in large syringes yeah
that stuff like condoms in real life they should let you do that right I give I give one to Chris de Burgh because he’s betting a skills that will enable them to getting close to this thing that I don’t know who stabbed the other thing cool is b word can I use my sneaking I use my sticking to go and stabbing with the paralyzer injection the paralyzer and you attempt to sneak
oh hey that’s a good snake you can’t be seen you definitely can’t be seen the dragon is occupied with cork right now in attempts to attack him with a few of his limbs
could be dangerous you guys artificial tension
that’s a great film making device the directions you just got to be like this is very scary
it’s called the M Night
he strikes at you with his wings in his claws and he manages to not hit you with those I mean he doesn’t manage to hit you with those but then he nips at you with his powerful Beak he bites you right in the hands not your your your dagger and of course. Of course I mean that a reasonable thing that could happen dealing seven damage
oh my
yeah so now you’re sneaking now now now you’re sneaking now you’re nearby him you think you might be able to be able to do something and as best as you can tell he hasn’t take a note all right I stabbed him with a paralyser in the face right in the dick right sorry I’m sorry
what is your comedy team called
you stabbed him right in the dick with the heroin just already
now we’re talking
before depressing the plunger and injected him full of paralyzing fluids through the dick his dick goes numb
that’s all well I mean right now I’ll take his dick so he’s going to last a long sight I could maybe do that too while you’re at it
so didn’t work well I mean it hasn’t completely take poisons take a while to work Aaron yeah sorry I’m just single and this is hard for me to shoot Arrow between his eyes
no hay hit him between his eyes
dealing some damage
dealing 11 damage
it’s pretty good guys now he’s an arrow sticking out of his face
State of Affairs yeah what about the scorpion scorpion you haven’t given an orders I guess but I hate the Scorpion just been hanging out
stabbing in the deck and a giant scorpion just standing there waiting for orders use of my talents but okay if I write off my mileage
I tell Keith the Scorpion to please attack the Dragon for god sakes what am I doing here he misses
if you were
keeps good at writing songs and making bracelets and stuff going on, I use my climbing ability to climb up to the tallest statue in then leap at him and try to plunge my sword right in the top of the dragon’s head well that’s going to be a climbing check
in your Barbarian rage you can’t figure out how to climb up
what are you trying to let us help you what’s your and everybody can come get them to the shoulder but I can put me on top of the statue
by the dragon right I’m still up there what time and he hasn’t seen me he he’s he’s too dumb in the dick
you really were hiding so good he doesn’t see you right now he’s actually occupied with Keith who’s the Okay can I throw a rope and can he run kayak
no no all right you don’t have that you don’t have like a scorpion to make Keith going to keep one can I put on a disguise and become dance mother again yeah you could and you could summon another scorpion if you want a second scorpion I’m hoping that capitalism will emerge
and you sent him to attack presumably his name David Keith David
critical strikes the dragon in the side of the head
well damn it
I have a red cap poison can I stab the dragon with it so that’s one of the poisons in your dagger so should I do that the jackdaw the dragon seems a bit of a bit less loosen a bit loopy if you will
you stabbed him
your dagger manages to you know Pierce its hide but only just a little eye doesn’t seem to have any effect
why would you know I mean I do you guys want going to end it here it’s going to take awhile how many how many pallets we are energy energy bar health bar
thank you very much and everybody else
Camille nanjiani
half dead Dragon kind of a half-dead dragon tonight with my congestion in my inability to put thoughts together yeah I feel like alcohol kills germs right that’s what they used to tell us and when we first started drinking and 13 I would go if you’d share had to share a glass at a party that alcohol kills all germs bro
that’s what that’s what I heard I had never bothered to look into it and pass on
up close the show
with
the greatest rap
all right did you have a beat you want to do or you guys throwing at you you’re sexy and slow or something more upbeat
give me sexy. What’s on your mind before we start I don’t know failure
the ginger Bay did you finish your script yet know how that make you feel bad
January when do you think you’ll turn it in
May
for real I don’t know if he’s any good is it any good I don’t know is that
I used to have the steps Parks connecting the little things I just don’t have it anymore I got something left my anger date with my ego God left my body used to I used to hang out like do stuff through me now I’m just an asshole hanging out because you feel you deserve it now it’s just easy to prove that you could do it so now it’s new. It’s just all the apples are going to fall off the chat too much thought about me and what I am and what I’m supposed to be doing too much thought about me writing I’m writing I’m going to write something me that’s not that’s not how it’s supposed to be how do you get back to the place where the Universe moves you don’t get handed a bunch of money by the people you you give you end up back in the gutter you hit rock bottom you become human again are you set at
probably mom alright
ya ya ya dig dig mean smooth smooth rap from the heart and soul I got smooth rap not rock and roll I got a Road Runner going down the street I got a coyote chasing me wants me to meet his name is money he wants to eat my ass I got that Howard has been at the Head of the Class I got some Rhymes come easier than others Got a retarded sister got a dumbass brother I got two parents that live in Miami got there not in Miami I had a girlfriend named Tammy she had a mental breakdown after I talk to eggs
start over
give me a different beat down like that babe it’s the Beats fault
I thought your mama like she was named Mandy I fuck your mama in the school in the gym I thought your mama like a legend of nimshi was your mama like a mouse your mama in a two-story house affect your Upstairs Downstairs but they’re in the cellar fuck your mama so hard she turned into a bank teller she said withdraw no deposit fuck your mama so hard to put her ass in the closet she was next to the broom he was next to the mop put your mama so hard she started to flip flop down the street I thought your mom on a bet that’s why I lost it I didn’t win but I thought your mama out not in I thought your mama wait give me a chance
I thought your mama didn’t take her to the dance I thought your mama made her feel real bad I fuck your mama she’s the best I ever had I compensated tried to make her book shit so I can look at it
yeah all right
I blame jazz tonight
yo-yo
yo yo yo yo ya sayin nothing but speaking my mind I fuck your mama like a rabbit came up from behind and put my mouth on the next Mountain her inside I put my Lupine penis in her womb where I find my rabbit sperm fertilize a rabbit X-Men little rabbit babies that had a rabbit legs and they got eaten in a restaurant I thought your mama said she didn’t flaunt her meet on the menu I fucked your mama it’s not continuous
try to make it personal sitting in bed I got stars on the ceiling dancing over my head you’re your mama’s Uncle comes into my room he puts his hand on my thigh this womb
you should have but you don’t shouldn’t be a boy or a girl so I won’t do too much but I’ll put my dick in your mouth grew up in the South and this is all fake confession born first
silence in the room hanging weightless like you in a room just going to wait for the words to come I fuck your mama like a finger fuck their life with um if I’m hanging out in outer space and only thinking about class and racism floating through in the atmosphere affect your mama’s so hard her I went in her ears to look like Sloth from The Goonies the fuck your mama she wasn’t roomie mine in college that was my knowledge of how to fuck her so hard you push it
hold on hold it lasted fuck your mama in the moment all right hold it hold it right there
I don’t have to do anything I’m going to sit here and watch you do this
this is humanity
look on it except it this is what you are than me underneath all your credit cards and your real estate deals
this is what you look like
okay more real than I expected
Cosmic journey through the light and dark going out to make the truth start going past the stars and the planets I fucked your mom
we got to figure out a way to end the show that was
I got nowhere to be
all right there’s not going to be any space X lemon
salt pepper child pepper North
stop mama
I nose flower rose garden plant Mama pant leg
dressing room pussy womb
Gary Busey
give me a second
it’s like the master remember the master
all right hold on hold on
mystical sorcerer cauldron witches swords fuck fuck your mama
how about, I’ll get with it.
if you can take the moon Buzz Aldrin, so hard to choose Kim to her upper lip
chain down her throat went into her stomach formed a big spur mode there was a castle in the middle fit as a fiddle put waffles down there after they were on the griddle set made you a meal then I fuck you from behind how’s it feel not to come back to me from Flapjacks at lunch how much more bunch
but your mama so hard I’d only do it cuz I want to not cuz it has to
coming to Hermantown everybody
what you think I just got pregnant
Camille nanjiani and McAfee Spencer Crittenden
Captain Adam Goldberg at Jeff Davis
then you’re going to get them next week you’re going to get an extra night
how can I have the courage to 2 to try something thank you good night