Episode: 149 – LIVE from Everything Is Festival 2015

Episode

Episode: 149 – LIVE from Everything Is Festival 2015

Description

Harmontown is back in Portland for Everything Is Terrible! Penis size is questioned and two well dressed audio members take the brunt of it, Dan is accused of sh*tting his pants and ends up revealing his balls. Watch the video at Harmontown.com/live!

Transcript

of dumb people town
thank you thank you for telling wow cavernous this is cavernous
that’s good though
damn did I ask you a personal question have you been drinking today
all right so right I just want to get through the Evernote list
so
so a guy I met at a bar today it was his 25th birthday and I bought him a drink
and he was turning 25 so I said man you got to do all your shit 25 m42 is a bunch of stuff every everyday I think I say it well if I was 25 I do this or that so you going to do everything and he he said yeah
that’s what he said when I wrote it down
he said I fucked that updated inner tubing with hot slots
he distinguishes ugly sweater that you don’t want to go inner tubing with
Portland might enjoy that
you guys hit a big ass
does that make it better
is it the couch the couch River Miami
but you guys you guys have hot sweats here but you don’t they’re not more important than the regular slots are they better it inner tubing
I don’t know ask bad kid
it’s alright well I mean there’s another side note which is a corner
if you have something to say to me and you can fit in a tweet saying
if it takes 9 weeks to say it somewhere else that’s it that’s it
resume
Turner feed you like the guy with the parentheses 8 out of 9 guide It’s a bumper sticker just saying you like women
you don’t have to say it nine times or no one will read it
don’t let me just don’t I’m blocking everyone now I block a block a block how many a day how many blocks
I block a block I get up in the morning and I block I start blocking I just block that’s the end of that corner
alright so a guy at the bar across the street what was it the queen Moon and Sixpence what’s that place called the Moon and Sixpence or something or some of you were drinking there tonight and a lot of you came up to me and was very friendly to me and told me that you liked me and it was very wonderful and I enjoyed it and I love your city and I love you there was a guy sitting next to me at the bar who like three hours ago I’ve been drinking for 6 hours and he kept going like what are you do I do I do a podcast that’s why they’re saying nice things to me a podcast
it’s a thing and then I have to explain it and he’s like talking to me and your troubles will be over you don’t have to know why are you famous no I’m not famous in this bar two blocks from the venue they are excited to see the show they’re getting a drink before they go in line up I’m not famous I’m as famous as you are kind of like if you like wherever you work if a lot of people work there and you were going to go do karaoke like that’s what happening
well what’s your name my name is Dan Harmon
my sons in college with my son here in the office and I bet I bet your fucking ass he has motherfuker
cuz I’m in a non karaoke your son I never heard of him telling the story but I mind I didn’t want to be the guy wants to be clearly he wants to be famous or his son does I don’t know
I’m just saying
like I was fine until I talk to that guy I found the first dick head in Portland is my story
I left Portland so funny right Cortland
what so not get face tattoos
hello fish tattoos
I did I watched it at 3 okay so Human Centipede 3
how many people have seen Human Centipede one I got some 15% of the people hair
yeah that was the 8th 8% Human Centipede 1 and 2
just as a side note to be too but not Human Centipede one that just jumped in the middle of the Saga Buckeye No Hands no hands so it’s never too early as The Empire Strikes Back if you don’t want to just jump in the middle okay we know that that’s important for the research
the guy from the first movie
the guy from the first movie is he is a prison warden in the third movie and every movie every movie add more people like there’s three people in the first one and I was like
24 people I think of the second one and then this one’s like a prison like 500 people
so the guy from the first movie is the is a warden
is a prison Warden Jeff and he doesn’t know he doesn’t know how to run his prison what did he do
the solution to problems
accountant who is like keep telling him like you I’m telling you and he keeps the account and keeps showing them to the first too much and there’s too much poop take the first two humans cut down on the food and the poop waste the five people who raise their hand know that the human centipede Saga has a weird meta like thing going through it we’re in each movie each movie is about someone who’s watched the previous moving so the third movie is about a prison Warden who is being told by his accountant who has seen both of the previous movies
that this is the way to go with the end of prison Warden is played by the by the same guy that played the doctor in the first movie the guy who’s like
I am a dog. I love watching people poop
in the third movie in his account says and I wrote it down
this is the defining moment 45 45 minutes to do the Human Centipede 3 this is after the. We’ve watched the doctor try to castrate people and like like he tries everything he can think of to be a good Warden and the and the accountant keep going like I’m telling you when he keeps holding up the human centipede movies and they’re working keeps going. And you’re supposed to be like 45 minutes into it but it’s not enough to not exist which would be a truly like that would be a move on its part to be like I do I understand what this movie shouldn’t exist but instead he loses his cool at that 45 minutes 45 minutes of castration and Raven horrible like just terrible
let’s be serious
structure eludes The Human Centipede
what was Joseph Campbell called this scene in the movie defines a moving could you poop into a mouth
so anyway I don’t think a story even
how many people are putting into how many miles in the third one like I told you five hundred people it’s a prison full of whatever food coming through it and we’re getting less and less
but the tongue is like poking through the cheek and there’s like a butthole or like I don’t know I don’t know what I don’t know if so what I have no idea so I’ve watched all three of them and at one point in the in the third movie the accountant at the prison he gets so fed up 45 minutes in the hour I think it’s a 90-minute movie
putting this on a structural levels of the first Hulk movie where the Hulk appears like in the third act this guy the accountant like in network fit like it does a little monologue and he goes and I wrote it down I back it up and I transcribe
by the way the accountant is the guy from Human Centipede to print for those people who the guy in the black and white pole bean wash one
she plays the accountant
so he can he go
I have been trying to tell you for days now I have the app
problems
we’ve got to make a human centipede of our prisoners sonax to mount sharing one day justice system no more prison fight no more assaults armed guards no more disrespect
they will literally be on their knees begging you for mercy and it’s the ultimate deterrent for those considering a career in crime
the crawl the beginning of the movie
that should be the voice over during the trailer for Free Willy
I can’t yeah I got I got glasses my eyeballs are not perfectly round big deal
so they told me
can’t lift a mic higher in a Mike’s in
my balls are perfectly round
so when I look far away like when I look at these people who came to the show light I can’t see I guess like the Pixel Perfect like I have a 1 pixel blur and everything like far away that’s what these glasses are for
you look good though
that’s why I’m wearing them it’s not it’s not because it improves anything I told you earlier that I’m now trapped in these glasses that actually make it very hard to function like with an 8ft like I’m like tripping over things but I’m like Everyone likes me
and I’m not kidding it’s not a it’s not a joke I can see okay that look at that speaker that’s black
but the real thing is that bartenders are nice to me now that’s it it’s like a disguise but I’m thinking like maybe I should I don’t know I don’t need glasses vision
all right so I want to
what I’d like to do is
is a like a do a little experiment
I’d like to take off all my clothes
and show you my dick and like I asked you if it’s big and I’d like you to lie to me
I’d like you to say it’s big
and the reason I want you to do that it’s because I think it’s small
and I don’t want to live in that world
so it’s not so much an experiment is it is just
start of a exercising my dishonesty I’m ashamed of my tiny penis want to find Freakshow tiny I don’t know we live in a world where nobody knows about each other’s dicks
like we don’t know what’s going on cuz it we’ve created a whole mythology I don’t know what we watch movies if I guy has a giant monster dicks are those regular sized dicks
yeah see I am in what what are those are they giant are those regular sized dicks no thank you
like everywhere I don’t know I like women are also like conflict pseudo condition to like they know how fucked-up we are about it so they don’t they’re also not honest about it they’re like they know that they’re not supposed to say whether they know if a dick is small or not
admitted right you guys learned that early on in your life like 8 years old you learned to lie about this
and men are also like lie about my dick with none of us in this room know what a dick is supposed to look like
there’s no food here think they’ve a regular day raise your hand if you have a regular.
Weather
purely well-dressed gentleman both your brothers if you want a regular deck Brothers
grab one or two months depending on how well it was forced upon stage all right Jo and Ian and you guys are very similar shoes on the older and you guys said who think they’ve a regular dick as one both of your hands went up as though he asked what’s 2 + 2
I reckon about six and a half inches is average and about all right and about to be about well hydrated so and about the girth of a roll of silver dollars so
Kennedy dollars the girth on average a roll of silver dollars how many Slidell I’m estimating this about a silver dollar how many how many summer how many how many what do you reckon reckon the role of silver dollars about 50 of them in there that’s why you raise your hand I asked to meet average please have no dice the day off I’m just going to guess calibration
3 million questions I’m going to pick one at random do you guys know what each other’s dick looks like adult now
it didn’t even look at the other guy you guys both knew that we were confident
I’ll jump similar mindset and think that you influence Me growing up your Joe that’s my Applause who sings even has the bigger dick attitude
I just got a text message I think that’s not important
wow all right well I guess he probably does
so are you guys right now are you there of you like hard
cuz I’m just right I don’t know also how do you clean a hamster hide or he’s afraid of showing how big does a diameter of a silver dollar and tell me about the link the link 6 6 and 1/2 inches in I don’t know what that what is that
I want to call Aaron
and apologize
I don’t think I have a very big penis
and I think that
if I’m telling you that my dick is small it’s small
what you should say is it doesn’t matter doesn’t matter
you shouldn’t say it right after I tell you to say it we should figure out how to convince me of it you guys are brothers and you’ve never looked at each other to Diggs the brother who talks a lot and keeps his legs open has a bigger dick that’s easy to understand
is there is there any you’re not going to hurt you guys won’t show us your dick
we couldn’t we could make podcast history tonight I mean that’s not right that my allowed to ask I think the state of Oregon might have something to say about that but I feel like we have a we have a private podcast at work
we’re streaming
I think Aaron’s a lucky woman no matter what thank you thank you thank you guys
Batman Tik-Tok
Kaiser that’s a spin-off
I like I’d like I think they’re like Time Travelers or that’s weird at the same time like making a me what’s the deal with Mike and Amy
they’re all over town anyways you guys want to see my dick to you
you do
I think you do it I think you owe it to them that Oculus like like a terrible terrible terrible Society

have some respect
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually know a mrs. But you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes related my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like a verb you’re always in good hands
adventures in Black Cinema what Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
I think we should early on bring up Spencer Crittenden cuz he said
oh yeah super red vein
got Adventure Human Centipede movie
they don’t have any human centipede that are like a full circuit do they first human centipede then Human Centipede Human Centipede that’s rolling all over Manhattan connect it to sizes you’ll be rolling up and down the city no crawling around it’s all communication that’s what I do
by The Human Centipede but I told you guys this
my name is Barry I feel like I did I did I talk about human centipede or any
Yeah Yeah Yeahs on the last know just just today just earlier earlier today week ago the governor and the third one Eric Roberts which makes him either the most interesting actor of the world or obviously in a lot of tax problem
Blake and he’s he he he comes at the end I don’t want to spoil anything but I think it’s fine but it turns out a bunch of ass to mouth in a chain and Eric Roberts comes to the prison and he’s the governor and he wants to know what they’ve done to solve their problems and the guy shows them and he makes the speech the doctor and he the warden says I need to go see
feed feed and then I wrote this this model of down and he goes and so Eric Roberts since he’s gotten to the prison has not said a word at all he’s just walked in and it’s just Eric Roberts walking and watching 500 people so nasty mouth and then stored exactly lose it like zig zag back and it’s a Photoshop like of guys guys
so he wants along the chain of them and he goes yes feed a Jew behind a Muslim
a republican behind the Mexican
Arizona behind the blood he never gained over counters the Mexican on the robovac
Goodwill to men and then Eric Roberts has his first line which is this is too much
too much is Governor Eric Roberts this really is a living in too much anyways
I’m surprised at you you are you curled up in bed and watched Human Centipede 3 Aaron was out of town and I like I just like watching horror movies when she’s out of town and I’ve always wondered if you could eat diarrhea in if you did could you poop in into another person’s math and and if that person could poop it into any
not a person’s man off and if that could could could happen for 497 other people and what would happen to the 480 seventh person in the movie like what happens if they don’t understand one thing that you were wondering about it which is good this is actually happen no I’m not wondering that
the 500 man centipede and then where does it go from there they try to escape or what no no no dragon is just a prison Ward yes so what does he do from then on or is that the end that’s Eric Roberts looks at it are you guys cool with me spoiling the movie human centipede and then he said something like damn that’s a leaves
and the prison Warden like shoots the doctor that help him do it
Eric Roberts comes back and goes you know what this is the best
so it’s like a Twilight Zone movie with a broken glass has no Stakes you shot the doctor it doesn’t it doesn’t Rehabilitation oh there’s another part to it which is that the there’s what do you do with the death row people in the life sentence people and he made a human what does he call it a caterpillar which means he cuts off their arms and legs
so there’s just like that’s just an extra thing
I’m going to shock you guys and tell you it’s worth watching this movie
because I don’t I think lately they are there in you know Labs right now smashing particles together because they want to know what happens when you do something terrible like I can do we learn about how the universe works because you smashed to atoms together I got the cork boson if you’re not if you’re going to watch Robert zemeckis movies your whole life you’re not going to learn what life is you watch Human Centipede if you gain some insight into like I don’t know I think it’s an important Festival
is it a closed circuit the movie
find me a ring of people all going and if there’s a final guy and he poops they don’t show is that guy poop extra poopy does neurologist water I’m saying the same thing you’re saying yeah and I I feel like the movie is like I actually felt in the third one I felt like you could feel like the director’s heart wasn’t in it like he was just doing it for the fans
season 6 of community kind of like
they loved it
I guess thanks
did you feel like I sold the ass of community to its own mouth enough until I was eating poop and you can let it go so so here’s the thing about Tonight Show terrible
got nothing nothing to do but
from terrible shows
terrible Pizza
no
okay wishful thinking on spec we’re going to have to have them play I Feel Like play hate kid
I really do
I really do I wasn’t there I didn’t and I was like actually kind of relieved but they didn’t show up cuz the tension is unbearable
feel like playing hates kid
play hate kid
it really does
that’s the God’s honest truth. It sounds like a joke is make you feel like a kid and or play right here right now that you could hold your own in a rap battle with either kids or play well I feel like if you played a rap beat for me right now I could beat them in a rap battle
cuz they’re not here
I don’t know I don’t never know should we find out if the maybe is a local freestyler here that wants to come up in the
how many how many wraps
do you want party beep beep or do you want something else party beat
Pardon Me by this time
all right I didn’t who these YouTube.
yo
yo going to your house going to talk to your mom with a mouse could I use it as my dick or legs but it’s a stick what you doing on your living room floor in the kitchen.
name is MC John I’m going to do please hold your place but again so take it easy
funky Mama I’m just treat her like her name was Meryl Streep Gator an Oscar gate right at me talk to your mama
OSHA
I had my eyes closed the whole time so hard that I ended up like looking 45�� that way I think you might have beaten kid but not play
let’s meet some people tonight
Jesus
I’m sorry I got so drunk you guys
who’s the who’s the terrible person who’s the worst person ever
oh yeah I just like to say anytime anyone blocked anyone on Twitter that person deserved it I’m sorry just I don’t know I’m sure you deserved it
let’s hear his story do you want to come up let’s work it out
the Scotsman Black by Spencer on Twitter
yo he’s black by Spencer Spencer my pillow mark this guy
no I don’t know if he doesn’t remember me I what did you what did you tweet it was during the the Ferguson riots I get worked up over those that’s why I kind of feel bad about it cuz we’re kind of on the same side but he tweeted some Martin Luther King quote that made it sound like
he would have loved the riots and I disagreed and we got a little argument menus I didn’t even realize you blocked me till like months later action I try to do that and I do it I don’t do it right away
you think everything’s cool and then fuck is both loved Martin Luther King you know I don’t think it’s a tragedy I just think it’s life man people drift in and out sometimes you catch a wave sometimes you catch not at the beach
I just think my life is okay I don’t know that sounds Vaguely Familiar here’s the thing about Martin Luther King he says the people in a riots aren’t great but people only do it when literally nothing else his work thus far I think it’s pretty valid also I think that white people shouldn’t be talking about what Martin Luther King met if it’s not in support of black people like maybe he said stuff that wouldn’t support black people in their struggles but I’ll wait for a black guy to say that and that might be racist all of minute
I guess it’s not spent Spencer’s Spencer’s admitting is racist what are you what are you have to say the first degree with but we weren’t able to talk about it further and you know what I think that’s fine I’m fine with the outcome no offense
cuz you got black so the discussion had to cease
can I see my apology Spencer what’s up by not having to see this guy’s pizza anymore and if you don’t that’s a very high bar it honestly is like I mean Dan might pass that barb a very few people and dance a great Twitter he’s great on Twitter it’s just it’s just that it’s like if someone makes me sends me to eat that like makes me upset or sad it’s like I don’t want to feel like that anymore oh wait I don’t have to I don’t really it really isn’t personal it’s just good to me jerk reaction
no no no no nothing Twitter is for a discussion of any store now I think it’s a terrible medium for discussing I agree with that
Facebook great for yelling at people differently you know what to tell a guy he’s wrong on Twitter where you could I mean I’m not going to stop him he’ll block your ass better than just hashtag that awkward moment and that kind of stuff at least getting good discussion is creating very vitriolic disjointed hard to follow discussion that probably drives people against each other. Brings them together dollars your Tweet was dickish
have you considered this or that you were Martin Luther King said nothing else rides all that’s left and I’ll have to do basically that’s also not in her paid him but no it’s not I never claimed it was nothing like I’m not sure he would have really
sad cuz BFDI murdered a man you’re not sure that he would have that that’s exactly what you were saying and then why did you say fuck off man I might have I don’t know
do you have you don’t have to if you don’t have to always are zeros at not Penny’s boat Pennys b0aty
alright well thanks thank you and then he deserved it
if he makes sense to you if you’d like petition Spencer hey man I don’t want it will like I said I block people on Twitter just because I don’t want to feel bad that’s me Devin faraci you know he gets a lot of Twitter he was he was yelling at blocking people shoot abuse that you is is creating an echo chamber why don’t I come and stop your house from being an echo chamber by calling your kids pieces of shit every single second of the day
anybody on Twitter get on Twitter for me pictures is part of it is the slogan of Twitter hero help everyone with a hundred and thirty followers gets on Twitter because they love hearing that there a big giant piece of shit every day and just to be clear that’s not this guy’s crime he was much more reasonable where is the perfect place to tell me that they don’t like what I’m doing with Teen Wolf on MTV have I blocked anybody that I don’t know felt felt unfairly belong to her okay good that’s nice is Portland soon and I’ll cool
say what
oh you view blocked people that tried to tell you that Hitler was an atheist why do people why do people keep telling you that I’m telling you sticking boy for you that you yelled it out and it almost totally unrelated contacts
speaking of the internet cuz that seems like a terrible waste of time. You should never try to convince anybody
wait so are you are you saying that Hitler’s an atheist no no he’s saying what you’re saying bro just too much about Hitler’s atheism Hitler was a Catholic Church of England all the way all the way but there’s a picture of him with a fernet branca in front of him he drink it drink any do Coke I always imagined him doing coke before those speeches Hitler Hitler used to do Coke off of those tits before every speech
all right speaking of Hitler is is Malcolm are you out there where are you Malcolm is that you would you be willing to come up here and be made a little bit of Malcolm
Malcolm is 11 years old in star child who was put in charge of me you’re like you’re like an intern or volunteer that works for the festival no
I already like Malcolm first first of all as I keep telling you calm down
you what what what’s this oh okay so you’re not a volunteer for the festival
is this my Connors you being that subtle he’s no he’s not doing a bit then he’s why I wanted to bring a book
what’s a call back the last week your parents were both on Xanax when you were conceived is my Siri
I have no horse in this race I didn’t hear what you said but you said it very softly you offered to be volunteered but then what happened
I showed up as a maybe volunteer
and they asked me to if you need anything and get you that thing
I still have no idea what’s going on
are you mad
or happy right now
how did you guys
what’s your origin story
how do you first where to get paths first crossed been told you’re interesting right you’re not you don’t feel bullied right now right like that would not be a thing I would want to do what is happening in your bloodstream
how do we get this way when they’re doing their things true I think he doesn’t have a drenalin oh sorry you don’t have an adrenaline glands
see
is there a is there a since you’re a good sport and came up here and were exploited is there a but I almost hesitate to ask that you have
nope
where do you see yourself in 5 years is it until where did you guys first meet at the he was assigned to me by the festival right and then I got your internet anytime I haven’t really needed a lot
Malcolm how old are you if we may ask 22
that’s the best answer you could have said
Malcolm what’s what’s the what’s the thing that gets you out of bed in the morning and put you to sleep at night and overriding passion like music or literature or a certain level of your life of any sort are you this soft contained at all times I guess I’m just not ready to die yet
was that an answer to the question
it wasn’t important thing to say is just a follow-up on that that you’re afraid before you die that you didn’t do or didn’t see or accomplish or experience is there a specific way you’re afraid to die
what’s the word okay would you rather burn to death or drown
drown yeah why why
I feel like the point of losing Consciousness would occur sooner
Malcolm myuna bans because if not you need to be in a fucking band and also I want to be in that band with what’s the bend of the new play anything musical at all if you could play
the piano
why would you say it like that
are you weird it is are you a Bill Hader character
is there any truth sir that you are in fact a Bill Hader character
you two okay so you’re not ready to die because you’re afraid to die but not because you would regret not having done something you just do you want to if you want to be you want you to get your ass will gets me out of bed it’s like I guess I’ll go do a thing is there anything that makes you laugh out loud the week of the month look like belly laugh and everything what will make you laugh
see this is what I’ve suspected this is what I’ve suspected he’s answering different questions than the one being that big ass
he said more for me more for me more comedy for you
that’s what I’m saying he’s like kind of like the future like any Seas like questions before we ask him and that’s what’s taking him so long to figure it all out yes me what would make me laugh more for him more and more for you then all right well I mean
nah, it’s because you see him and it is not like I like you I like on site I like you all the way through this whole thing will you seem like a cool dude let you know whatever it is you’re hiding I don’t think you’re hiding much
okay I don’t know what I might what’s the Dark Side of Malcolm is it like what what’s you at your worst

what’s what’s what’s your behavior when you’re ashamed of what you just did quiet
all right, Malcolm will you do me a favor and move to Los Angeles and can be on the show every week
I don’t know I don’t know I’m not going to sleep well tonight I didn’t get enough of the gig in Columbine
at the right time we could have saved a lot of lives
I don’t know how I kept thinking I look at him and I see like I see like like a Ramon and Ric Ocasek and the world’s that that all of a sudden are volcanoes of some sort of artistic expression
I have an issue that cement maybe Malcolm is a new cove and maybe he’s struggling with stomach pain and you can’t wait to try heroin and
but was rained out some great song
sounds great documentary interlude here and talk about a place that I went to today before coming here and meeting you at the little bar over there I suppose I have not been to in 6 years if it is a strip club called Union Jack so you going to come by here with Jack’s
Union Jack’s is a great little strip club in the daytime when I went in there today I was the only guy in there and is wearing a suit as I do and there was there was one girl on stage and she wasn’t for the thinnest of strippers but she was having the most fun at 11 to send testing and the at the she was teaching another stripper out on the floor in the bar had at work and then another stripper came in off the street like you was coming on like she’s on duty now there’s three of them and I came back from the bathroom so I got in line with him and watch working together I found out I truck better than one of them but but worse than the other two
arm in a cast
as she got up on stage and enter the gate can I do the double lamp shade dance move knee braces and broken arms and everybody was tricking and they also I told him that this is what are you doing in town comedy show socially awkward wheel of socially awkward
so we’re all going to get in Jackson were all the thing to get lap dances together
yeah I’m going now,
he raised his voice I got to I got to if nothing else happens this weekend you and I are going to strip club together
oh shit is a is only here only you’re not here right now I didn’t realize
I’m sorry sorry Allie has been forgiven the school records for the show Benny out there thank you brother Ben give me a groovy I’ve never heard of that sounds groovy all right
I’m going to show you guys my dick
I forgot to tell you one last night at the strip club one of the girls I tattooed kind of punk rock check if a stripper with a Suicide Girl but look exactly like King Joffrey from Game of Thrones
and when we go to later on you’ll know exactly I’m talking about it sounds really great right
like as a girl that’s great they gave me the strangest half a raccoon in my life
okay so okay so did I talk about this
a couple weeks ago and I this is a confession this is a confession segment this is called Rock Bottom Moment of clarity
intervention the new segment I’m not proud of this moment
actually didn’t take it this playing this is perfect keep playing OK Google the answer is to clearly I’m an alcoholic and a half minutes long
I had a few guests over at my house and I farted
while backing out of the room
did you stop it or is it still playing okay and the song just listen to your story
everyone in the room
which was crazy cuz it was felt like the park moved at the speed of light
I was like I was I was at cuz I was leaving the room to fart
I know that you guys smell that other than yeah
and then one of them said Dustin was there are producer I’m farting now as I say the story but that’s not important
I heard you can hear it
oh no you heard it how do you hear it
that all overshadowed everything
was backing out of the room and I farted and then everyone and someone said yeah did you shave your pants
it ain’t and I said no no no
drunk I was
I went into my bedroom and I took off my pants and my underwear
and I was going to put on pajamas
but instead I walked back into the living room
with my underwear
to show my house guests that I hadn’t shipped my pants
and Justin was there and his girlfriend Elizabeth who’s like half my age and I was wearing a t-shirt
and she was like No And I was like no I didn’t ship my pants
and I was like 6 years old like showing them and then and there was like get out of here get out of here we can see your balls we can see your balls that’s what they kept saying we can see your balls where you came back with nothing on I had a t-shirt on I thought it covered my balls
I’m not I’m not bragging I guess they could still see my but I was that drunk like that’s kids like don’t drink that much and I put on my pajamas and I came back in and was like I’m so sorry and then why did you do that why did you do that and I kept going I wanted you to know I didn’t ship my pants I like why did you have to why couldn’t you just say that but you didn’t get your answer was like I didn’t think you’d believe me
and why couldn’t you put on pants to come out and show us you didn’t shoot your pants and I said because if I took too long
you think I just grab fresh underwear to fool you cuz I was six years old in that moment I was like a story like you should be careful you should take it easy I’m fine but you guys are young and you can improve yourselves
if you had shut your pants would you walk back in and showed them that you had or not know I would have hit it I would have thrown him out the window o yeah is it how much time do we have left we have like 20 minutes okay about the movie daybreakers with Ethan Hawke there’s a there’s a daybreaker vampires in the future daybreakers vampires or as we call them daybreakers have have taken over the world and do humans are a minority and using them for their blood and Ethan Hawke is in a phlebotomist he’s a blood specialist and he’s talking to his partner in a blood lab and he’s working really hard to go over the synthetic form of blood because he loves humans and humans
and his partner goes like yeah come on we’re ready to go with the synthetic blood the animal testing is almost finished and as he says that he hands Ethan Hawke of head shot of a chimpanzee with fangs that’s it that’s all I want to tell you a headshot
black and white black and white with fangs this is William Morris agency that’s all I wanted to tell her run and I’m a good idea or bad idea if we bring Malcolm up to play Malcolm’s got to come up
Malcolm with you if you want to come in and then I shouldn’t ask for women like because it’s like Mad Max and she’s like well win tonight but I was like yeah but when you don’t ask for a black guy to come up and I was like well race is an artificial construct gender is not boom we need women up here all right
you better not be black is my point
better not be black
oh yeah she did with you with the super simple dimples super nipples sore nipples silver dollars
call backs for the call back to the dick brother I know I know it is
silver dollar doesn’t matter right are you above or below average above or below average nipple size
is that the
assurance
I’ll change the subject
oh thank you Jeff is this enough people that you want any other performers is my dick big enough yeah it’s fine
it doesn’t matter right
it doesn’t matter
oh yeah Malcolm should be demorge
put your dick
it can be small
and you can still be satisfying to people that you sleep with
I’m sure if it’s huge but great I’m sure that’s great
but
and I believe you need to be it’s my point some people report discomfort with overly large size members
Spencer Crittenden reporting
just looked it up
Spencer is it true they call you Kodak can what I mean I’d say mine’s probably what 5.5 is average right and I would dispute that I’d say 5.5 is what I’m not saying that’s mine I’m saying I think that’s what average is a bit under average yeah like yeah you know decimal points
sounds like a lot 6.5 is above average my dick is shaped exactly like an ampersand
silver dollar is above average girth absolutely absolutely silver dollars are fucking Giant
oh okay 50 Cent Pete wait what yeah Kennedy he’s got a big dick
will it be doing a whole lot of shell that was all going to get in Jackson take a dick so I don’t know if I can stop settle this shit later up
3
diameter diameter radius 3 radians
804 why but not very long
last time on harmontown the game was outside mine was limited where they cooked up in Indy ingenious infiltration Jim Nightblade pretended to have a cyber lettuce beef jerky seizure while we’re seeing doctor friend convinced the Clinic’s reception is to admit him succeeding in their deception the team found themselves in the sea Bay toward work but to security guy at the guards hung around I can’t talk doctor friend unleash tear gas grenades in the room but would there be enough antidote for everyone was there a cover blown to cyber eyes weep electric tears would harmontown ever come to Finland find out is because he’s from Finland next time the harmontown shadow time run
yeah who is that by
what what what who wrote that tail from Finland all right
do you follow the show do you know what’s going on there you’re kind of ears like you have it’s drying your language
remind me Justin Marshall wearing a wig is going to say it looks a lot like I said I think it looks like Demetri Martin Undercover
alright Malcolm follow your heart here in a hospital room there’s a table like the ones I’ve been to and there’s also teargas fucking everywhere you’re choking on the floor except for gym know yet Jim’s been answered noted by doctor friend the rest of you hear gas is just full in the room there’s a glass window leading to the exterior and the door also
what’s up tear gas
you’re confident guy know they’re full of painful tears and facts
what tier tier are we dealing with like tr55 tears TR6 you got to do the instance with the PVP
I never played World of Warcraft for like 20 minutes
so we got two guards in here right there on the floor you you knock them out before before getting answered doted all right fucking everywhere you can’t even see there’s three tear gas grenades worth of tear gas is there a window and glass one which is rare a glass window okay I’m like I summon the spirit of the Native American wind eagle and summer when they go to go up there and flap the wings so hard that the window and dissipates the tear gas on the road so flap in the hard what the other one was like 20 ft look like 20 ft wingspan is a huge thing I’m going to go 5:45 baby Force 5 I got under the nearest desk to protect myself
you do that
you find yourself well protected from a giant eagle who now exists in the room
I would like there’s an eagle it’s got golden plumage and also different colored plumage cuz it’s the spirit it’s flapping around its flapping up a storm but in something so summoning Jeff what’s your career of libertine takes 5 fading damage or drain damage from the exertion of casting of the cell where you’re on the ropes here for Consciousness you don’t got too many spells left in your brains sure I would like to go outside the room and and say to any nearby guards
you guys like to party come over here
okay leaving the golden eagle behind you exit cbay toward and you see a guard he’s at the end of the hallways got a big rifle hey hey we need your help down here oh yeah I’m coming what do you need I need you to walk why what’s up you crazy
well that doesn’t seem like any of my business always telling me it’s crazy yeah
let’s be more descriptive is Cheer to terrorist attack
shit we should lock the hospital down then I’ll follow you okay
okay well I don’t need to go anywhere I’ll just dial it in turn your back to me okay, Lincoln turns away from me to stardom I stunned him
are you all right you go to study him and he hit him right in the temple right in the temple is his as easy as use the electricity flows through them you hear the smoldering of something flashy or no or maybe not he drops to the floor and smoke exits his ears
911
not really mean while there’s a large golden eagle chilling oh okay wait out of what out of the room out of the window
tornadoes in those guys dicks are huge
sure that’s all yes and each other tonight
I live in an earthquake. I’m not used to Wicked straight line and my dick is fine yeah
doesn’t need to be anything different than what it is my wife didn’t do me a favor by marrying me
if anything she did herself a favor
I think she did us all a favor
possibly average size dick Brothers Brothers the guy I blocked on Twitter
Play Everything Is Festival in the city of Portland is the governor of Oregon Mister Nat sandwich wonderful governor
not sandwich at
I’m the mayor of Portland Carl Carlson and the good men and women of the Hollywood Theater
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
you’re allowed to leave
there’s a sign-up sheet in the back for
do you want to be here all night
was he at the bar
house music
Christmas music

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