Episode: 330 – All Dicks Are Webbed


Episode: 330 – All Dicks Are Webbed


Despite walking on stage sick as a dog, audience adoration miraculously heals Dan in real time. Francophile Jeff can’t help but dissolve into a sentimental jelly thinking about Notre-dame, and Spencer continues to amaze with hitherto unprecedented levels of enthusiasm. Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis and Spencer Crittenden.


hello look at this green suit that’s fantastic what’s your name sir
the Joker
hello one and all
I’m a cop killer Jeff Davis is now in session
it’s good to be back and feels like it’s been a long long time because I love him in a door
oh yeah how you feeling man I’m feeling couch I got a couch from charity oh yeah alright I need for my hip I’m 62
I did it with your hip hurt you oh yeah I’m dying
yeah rabbit rapid to the D rapid rapid rapid can’t defeat
damn you sound like you might be a little under the weather
yeah I get sick like once every two years
I guess this is it
stayed up a couple do too many days and
caught something I guess don’t use this microphone
I might be playing it up a little bit. You could do that from the 90s of the you can’t fake like sounded sick but if you’re like 5% so you could Crank It Up like 70% easy you just have to like it so it’s actually a matter of just not doing anything you just like just a thought you just don’t you just do last of the real sick isn’t the kind of sickness that you can enjoy you have like tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich and some hot cocoa and watch TV or is it is it a bummer. It’s the kind of sick that’s a manifestation of those psychological misery I’m in its self-imposed
my therapist in IRB make us a real breakthrough is but unfortunately it’s like realization of how fucked-up I am and you know like she’s really getting through to me but what is the what’s the headlines of your psyche, like a creature of denial like how like you know just kind of like stuff that I don’t know it doesn’t sound as profound when you repeat it but I like it. I’ve been not finishing the script for like weeks so every week I go in there and she’s like the one person I don’t have to lie to is not going to move me to lie to so as like I could just go in and go do I didn’t turn it in again instead of being like Oh I’m almost done or whatever and you know it’s been kind of a case study
in what you know just the process and how it gets hung up and blocked and fucked up and like what’s going on in my head like oh how I managed to make like my process difficult but this Gabby last time I ever do this I’m not doing it no more I’m not writing anything by myself anymore cuz I can’t do it with me wrong with you she’s like I think you got to admit that there is something uncontrollable you know like that’s what you have to do in situations like this like you got to treat it like an addiction like you’re basically addicted to fucking up your deadline so thank you you are like like you you will have a thought in your head this is what I thought was interesting cuz if he can apply to anything and I’m sure it’s like a talk to is like but it’s like the idea that you can whatever you’re up against you know the thing there’s some things that you can’t control some thoughts you can’t control
like and so procrastination or things like there’s some some some things where like the the reason why you keep doing the same fuckedupshit over and over again is because of the side is in your head already it’s not you don’t get a choice you know what you’re not there at the point where you’re making the choice to think you know I haven’t you ever like everybody’s got something when you’re a smoker or Drinker or you know I think it’s more profound when it’s not something like that but it helps to use that stuff is metaphorically when you realize like oh look at your procrastination is like a like a cigarette because what are you getting out of it I don’t know I was like tripping puzzling through it for weeks, like what is it what am I addicted to this shame and I am afraid to be happy and all that stuff sounds do cornball
and then it was finally like she’s like she’s like look it doesn’t matter it like it’s like the answer it doesn’t matter if you get if you figured that shit out or not your kind of addicted to try to figure it out first to like that’s part of the process is that you you you but I think what you have to accept that there’s like a wall of ice in your brain that like is there before you choose it I’m sorry I’m repeating myself but that that that that like that’s the profound thing is that is that it’s already there and end the end the end of the only way to do anything about it as you got to accept that okay I’m going to be thinking this fucked-up thought before way before I ever even there it’s like a time traveler it’s just there before search prefect up whatever your relationship that if you are as fuk up your relationships you have ever whatever way your self-destructive it’s like likes think of these things is always you do always seem to do stop
waiting for you to like figure out how to do it differently with an epiphany or something and just accept that the Ito first things first like I always do this I’m always thinking this before I even decide I’m thinking it and and I like all even deny that I’m thinking of it or I’ll think of something else is until you admit that and then you know that language is familiar until you accept that you’ve got this problem like you can’t do the thing that you need to do which is take contrary action which is just the equivalent of like a fucking sit up what you kind of like to addictions then don’t you because that you you ain’t got no addictions if you’re a dick if you have a procrastination addiction you also have an addiction to creating stuff like that that’s a huge part of who you are well I’d like to call that bluff
as soon as possible I mean I like making stuff
I kind of wouldn’t we all we would all like to have created a thing that we didn’t have to work hard on like I would like to have a book but I’m never going to sit down and right one cuz I’m a lazy terrified bad writer oh man Jeff you got to get Ghost Rider I’d read your book
baby all your cool stories what about you got a real ghost of that be great I know a guy The Exorcist chapter 100 rooms that’s problematic it’s me then I died just to do this bit don’t go in the west wing it stinks
I ate myself to death
my body doesn’t stink it’s the food I don’t know what’s that white white what are you trying to add on to that for selling past the playlist current like deadlines do you have like I sound like I’m going to count them
I got one
it’s this thing that I’ve been kvetching about the last couple weeks
it was truly do today it’s like the proud all these projects like they’re all they’re always be like a guy
who’s like just fucking it’s a status thing I look back on my life I got like these poor people that like that I get permission from you now is got a man can have one more day and I can’t man it’s all good you’re such a such a good guy and like to try to go back to my life again like how many of them get rewarded for this patient’s like should they just come over to my house if punch me what weren’t you better when you had like a choice of Stuart cornfeld of that would just yell at you and say where is it where is it in Arizona if he got more or less for his where is it where is it I don’t know Jack rapke was like it was like you know I mean it was just I still didn’t like I still just shit out monster house at the end of it like gave it to him cuz but it was like
but I remember him going like like I don’t like the third time he had to call me and then wrap key at the image of monster house has 20 years ago but it still sticks out of my head that he was cuz he was just like old school Hollywood like fuk was every other word is just like really like interesting guy like everything was fucking is embarking that and Hey listen I got it was the work of that stuff but I just kind of whatever and there’s this is like silence and he was like alright well I’ll tell you what fucking Dan at this point. Not going to bother calling you anymore cuz there’s no fucking credibility hear somebody that’s all I remember I was with mud like damn no credibility
should I can go get a sandwich now but you still finished it fucking thing I could say it’s like the first twenty pages is great and then it’s like right in great anymore cuz it’s like oh well you don’t have sex with that girl scout that’s that that age well
2 Chainz order in or arguing over who gets too excited about I’m not like there’s nobody that’s like your fucking me over so wait okay so I’m counting the one thing and then I do think like I just got a bunch of shit off like one two three things off my plate and yeah I think that’s it I guess I think I think that’s truly it and you only have fifty thousand more episodes of Rick and Morty to write which is easy but it’s like it’s it’s it’s a healthy processed now you know it gets it’s like Rick and Morty’s like you know it’s it’s it’s fine like I said that’s the job that I want that’s the job that I signed a deal to do in my bed as soon as I got that contract as I go can start wrapping up all these other aliens
just like 50 of them because I because like what do you supposed to do writers in Los Angeles in the did the TV industry going to be one of the 1% luckiest in it in an in it in his field that if you’re represented in paying your rent writing that those those people represent like top whatever percent of the population of the planet in terms of luxury in terms of like you know the amount of work you have to do for the amount of money you get and then I’m I’m at the upper echelon of those people cuz I make like I’ll get a check from Community sometimes and I’ll get a check from from from this or that and it’s still like until I got that Rick and Morty deal I was like well yeah but how am I going to retire and then you get it it’s like I guess that segues into this wga thing I guess I got it I got to everybody firing their agent okay good all right
I totally hit you that like what what what is the deal with the wga do I’m packaging right now I really can’t speak with authority I can’t even go ahead now I don’t know packaging is when the agents basically cut themselves further into the pie for making deals with multiple talents and party so they they tell they say hey literary agent like we’ll get this writer and hey TV agent and hey TV actor will get you and also will get 10% more of everyone’s money do you know if everyone’s deals for packaging so they get 10% on top of the money they already get from the individual parties and I probably will but that’s a big part of it because it’s just damned you know cutting cutting a huge chunk more of the money then is there already being paid to get and so yeah the WDAS
I work carving you ain’t that carbon
effects of the worst of the LPGA the writers because they no longer have the same Connections in and 1/4 in of very smart people that like to type a lot so there’s a lot of invective Patrick Henry give me my quill or give me my stuff online that’ll make you I mean I I really I don’t know how you went since 97 95% you know turning on to vote which day it’s like I’m just going to defer to my better craftspeople who thought about this more and I did talk to a couple of colleagues and said like but can you explain it to me a like because of all this he’s he’s that weird that that times are hard all over that Rome is burning and so everyone’s is starting to grab each other and shake each other down you know in the package is at the cluster of money that were like okay now
now let’s worry about that now that it’s not the cocaine 80s anymore like there’s not money just like everywhere but and then someone was like no no no it’s not it’s it’s it’s lack of transparency and I took my my agents took me out to dinner and
such a sweet sweet table of little cherubs
are human beings they didn’t they didn’t choose this stuff they don’t run their their agency or the industry for the last 30 years and they’re there a little broken hearted that writers are so we’re so dramatic when we do something like they just they’re feeling like very bad I’m a very profound I mean that that like we have this industry out here where you know things that in any other part of the world might be just too frivolous for there to be such compartmentalize and industrialized Lake division of labor and because even you know what it is that we did develop these breeds and that it’s that I’m so thankful that there is this like breed of Industry person that does just every part of the job of working as a writer that I would rather kill myself than do which it I mean notably just
selling me like telling people that I’m good and that I should have a job I would if I did I would never I would die of starvation before I did that would never be like well I’m pretty good writer because I think you should maybe what are you doing over here like a Star Trek reboot like look up and I would love and Star Trek maybe you seen some of my work whose something you can read like I don’t know if they’re going pretty good like I just I didn’t know that John Travolta was a writer
John Travolta what are you working on right now you got to get a new script for us tell all about The Descent of Broken Arrow who is it broken that was not my favorite John Travolta movie but I saw a bobcat
what did they say on Welcome Back Kotter ticket a cobra sit on a rubber hose or take put your nose with a rubber hose and thank you thank you. I don’t think you could say that back then you couldn’t sniff your butt your butt right there like we going to put it somewhere in there like you get it the nose is like the ass with the Happy Days when they would say sitting on it that’s it. It seems almost worse than up your nose in the air usually in the men’s room yeah I told somebody that it’s probably going up your ass getting around that I believe that happiness who was the creator of Garry Marshall I had his office at Paramount
oh yeah yeah my office. That wasn’t your eccentric days when you would show up at the Paramount in a fucking bathrobe like one of the Wachowski Brothers whatever right yeah I guess like I mean sometimes you got to add it on a Saturday I’m not going to put pants on
I shot that Daryl video in that office is Garry Marshall’s office in pajamas and slippers and stuff would go in the thick of things when it was like oh you going to work on the weekends which I would do Bettas like oh I got to go in on the weekend and I’m just going to sit it could pull into the Paramount lot going to it edit Bay and sit there for 6 hours and ship an episode who kept yeah sure I’ll wear my pajamas and I mean Wednesday on the last episode of this you came out your little Jimmy Jams yeah I was really good all right go over like I feel like this was kind of urgent because
for fans of my work out a couple days ago couple workout to go we were talking about my coyote problem and I I had ordered this ghillie suit like just where you look like a swamp thing and it came and I like I wore it up during my workout stuff but I was like yeah I was talking to for what why did you get a ghillie suit for your coyote problem my feeling at the time as a little drunk but I was like I’m outside I was just like maybe like where it and like it was based on a threat I had made to the coyotes
well really drunk like I did like a Kevin Spacey monologue to the coyotes for like 20 minutes to you verbally to coyotes in your backyard or just to the universe itself is like I did it under my breath but in a way that my neighbors wanted to listen like they would be alive. It was kind of cuz I was kind of thing but projecting like this like I was like cuz I just I was just finished shooting some slingshot like clay biodegradable clay balls into the these things are getting so aggressive Jeff you’ve already invested in Auntie coyote weapons into the area shooting at actual animals that you saw or not I couldn’t see him but
I wouldn’t even Adam I wouldn’t be my objected to hit them cuz I don’t think that would do any good or rather just be a nuisance to them scare them and at the concern would be there going to come and eat Nigel or yeah yeah yeah I eventually the dirt up because I feel like there are they wouldn’t be two feet from my back door if they weren’t already in some trouble you know so it’s it’s a it’s a tragedy for them but probably smell the pheromones or the dog food or whatever they they just know that those pets in the house like a natural thing for Kaya this is a recent thing that is getting going back to the fires that we had and I think there was a big migration dad has been like a lot of aggressive coyote stuff and I’m just saying like I have to imagine that all these coyotes that are like so active in Los Feliz right now that they’re they’re up against it and that and they’re getting very aggressive and when I worry about is a combination of their aggression
and like if they’re starving like them getting kind of loopy or like like a hat like you know like abandoned cops or whatever like I don’t want to know the shifts going to hit the fan if you’d like some you’ve seen these like crazy coyotes like broad daylight like one though just that’s just like your papa rest unless they are friends little dog got eaten like I heard it happened it was fucking nuts
yeah I will put a pin in that that’s awful you heard it put a pin in that other dog is a Goldendoodle IQR is like Harvey watched it happen and they’re like he was never the same again like he was fucking absolutely went insane white watching his little friends get tired and buy a pack of coyotes to do about a deer that losing his shit so he likes his back on my shoe that much so yeah I just worried happened once but that’s enough I am worried about a like juvenile hunger starved heat Strokes like like fucking incel coyote just like
Anna Anna, on a speedball high of nothing to lose at this I tried sizes either like just just trying to say I’m going for broke I mean his life finds a way and like and unlike their what I’m worried about is the failure of that plan even more than the success of it that that like I injured you kind of stick coyote Landing in my yard and then needing help from other coyotes or just freaking out cuz it’s like I’m trapped it would be trapped in there and if I was if I was out and it was like 3 p.m. and the doggie door was unlocked and there’s a coyote trapped in my backyard Nigel’s a fuking idiot like he thinks that skunk served our party favors like he’s just like ye free
Jason the first like two weeks of my relationship with Cody already understands Harvey’s got the got the the the whatever genes in him where he’s like he hangs back 20 yards and Parks goes like she was just like black Like a Torpedo and just gets out of bed start barking around God’s tears of panic and run because last time that happened I made it as far as the kitchen and he’s coming back at the doggie door by smelling like like not it does not smell as much like weed and you couldn’t
Breeze my place there was a family of skunks there was a mama and papa and some babies and adorable is so cute and we just stood there like I came home at like midnight or 1 a.m. and there was just a Mexican standoff they just stood in front of my door for the half hour and I wasn’t going anywhere then clap my hands are usually make them go away I gave Evan a couple showdowns with a skunk or they’re like I don’t want to do this anymore than you do
I thought you can do a skunk clapping hands rap
Oakies clapping I was like what and what I was trying to figure out what was awesome it was a secret Hollywood guy like he puts out extra cat food for the skunk’s and they just come running right away like they’re like they’re just waiting for them to put the food out in the make I mean that’s what it looks like in the documentary on Mike I wonder if that’s why those skunks not spray they don’t if they feel comfortable but the dog comes comes over and snarls at them they’re going to put their butt hole right on your gas and then that’s that’s the end of that so this is why I bring this up is because a couple workouts ago I’m talking about the coyote problem and I’m like okay yeah that Spencer and Steve were ordering me like a airsoft gun or whatever like we’re getting equipment you know I just want to be as well to scare these coyotes into having a larger birth
around my yard and then I looked and I said in case anybody out there has got their ears onto the live stream in your life who you just want to be mean to animals what’s what do they do in Rio thing it really know I’ve tried everything I’ve tried that you know what noise and don’t tell me shake a coffee can a time with rocks and it like I’ve tried everything they’re getting really aggressive they don’t care anymore and Dave Klein said have you tried praying
you got me so I have not tried Frank that’s true like before I go up in my ghillie suit and so then I did this thing around like I’m cuz I’m like you know I was functionally I may as well be an atheist in terms of like I don’t I don’t do nothing for at Sanford for no no Daddy’s I don’t I don’t pay nothing for word but but culturally I don’t know psychologically like I’m I’m like I don’t I’m panicking even talking about it right now like I have this unborn like Midwestern if you blaspheme like you guys just going to like it just just just seize the opportunity to prove exists just buy fucking like taking one of your legs out and and so I was like okay if I’m doing is it going to be real serious about it so I very sincerely
you know I did it would have made it very complicated doesn’t know I sound like a dick like I’m like stuff but I did that went through this flag prayer where I prayed for the coyotes to is a god take to get out if you want if you want to fill these coyotes hearts with the desire to relocate whatever it is like like don’t don’t smoke them if it’s if it’s a choice between doing nothing and smiting I do I’ll deal with them I don’t want anything smitten for me smoke smoke smoke
am I am I why don’t you get a ghillie suit it was part of the threat he made was talking on Kevin Spacey style into the darkness I was drunk and I was like in my underwear and I was like I was just like I felt a little emasculated which I can stay here cuz they can’t hear me but like I I feel like it would say it’s all about like Vibes and stuff like communicate like like if the I believe not with all animals like I don’t think you can talk to my hamster just to do it but I believe that it when it when it when it comes to doing it’s a real situation of animus I guess you’d call it right like when it’s when it’s significant when it’s when it’s Man versus be on some level where it’s like okay well we’re neighbors now you know like in the old days what it predates our mimetic Evolution and cuts right to the heart like we still have Liz
brains we still we’re still made of the same carbon from the same stars as these little pieces of shit like
because because I and identify and if I do what I say I’m going to do some I said I’m coming up there which I said I’m ordering she got two weeks just like a bush I just sneak up on it on a coyote who lives in bushes scare the shit out of him they’re more scared of him enough to think that I’m psycho
are there going to be like what the fuc
I’m about to watch man like I just wanted to be like like like I was on the road I was on the road telling a series of fantastic dick jokes across the country but I think I saw a picture of you dressed up in a Ghillie suit yeah I couldn’t for the life of me try to reconstruct what the fucking purpose of that was I worked out and it felt really great you put it on Juju right there I could bench 20 more pounds wearing it I thought you cruise around in your backyard at night hunting coyotes in a Ghillie suit on them yet because as I told them I said I just told her I said I said I said to them
I said I said you guys can stay as quiet or as loud as you want right now
you do whatever you want like this isn’t I’ve told you before to be quiet and you weren’t so we’re past that point there’s no credibility now
yeah politeness is going out the window as you and these coyotes I don’t care if we’re not playing games anymore I’m not negotiating for fucking decibels I kind of feel like I’m telling you right now too late you may as well Scream and Shout or you may as well be quiet still won’t save you cuz here’s what’s going to happen I’m ordering a ladder from Amazon
and when it comes I’m climbing up over this wall and I’m coming up there yeah and when you get up I feel like I feel like I feel like the effectiveness of that statement is in the negative space like of what I want them to be going why
what are you going to do and I but I don’t understand human society and I don’t understand coyote Society but I will tell you right now you are dealing with a man with unexpressed rage
turn on a deadline. They conditioned conditioning you they’ve taught you to be a bush how you just you just got that idea from me miss hearing Spencer and I got to say that I thought it was it was it did you hit the contrary action you know you’re in the show tell me a sentence or two what the point of the order in which they hate that loser like coyotes are afraid of wolves by having sex with them but that’s that’s genus canis for you there either
king or eating each other but the so here’s the thing that I needed to explain the point of dressing up like a bush to fight a coyote because they are more of a threat to them and look it up I want to traumatize them mentally
did you think coyotes have that sort of mental capacity to remember things we have I think if it’s a shock to their system and I’m not allowed to do that to them physically I can’t and I wouldn’t want to but look as if they’re I like I said they’re struggling like it’s like you know but they come down my street like like Waverly they they come down and they come at Griffith Park at Waverly and they silently like a race they just come down and they walk down the street and I’m looking around and they kind of hurt to each other and they’re all looking around and they all go into somebody’s backyard and he said Somebody’s little dog or cat in how do you see people you wake up you hear the screaming from the Danimal dying and then you hear the screaming of the owner of the animal coming out in their underwear throwing like hair brushes and shoes at him and scaring them off as they are as they’re devouring their little precious animal
Preston Leslie my friend about their dog. His fucking really gruesome so we’re living in an extraordinary times you know like this is not this is not normal shit like the night that I did my monologue like it was like the monologue to the coyotes in your underwear that there was a coyote and write up on my shit going like and an S but then it like it was doing it because in the distance when it when it would shut up and you would hear in the far distance like miles away just this Army was just like
late late and I was like these fuckers think that they’re going to keep like pushing like they think that the where in the end days they can probably smell that we are there like they think they probably like they they hear us talking about Trump in our bedrooms and they’re like sounds like it’s coyote time
sounds like we’ve entered the era of coyotes like I might I might invent a lever next week
I might start the Archimedes of coyotes I won’t know unless I get lots of protein in me anyway so so so I’d so like I said to the coyotes that night because it was like you’re in the shit in the distance and I’m like I was like I just I knew I had to like put on a strong face and be like I just I just I just you know just like kind of counterintuitive I was just like I’m glad you’re quiet now I hope your quiet forever because it but it doesn’t matter cuz like I’m getting a ladder from Amazon and I’m coming up here it’s going to be about Predators for the rest of time now because we got wolf urine and we got to hang out I don’t know what we can get through it if I mean like look I have the side one thing to say about this which was that during my work out then I said I said I just explaining all this to Dave Klein Dave clients as have you tried praying I prayed so look what I said in my prayer also is like look God you know obviously
if the coyotes don’t come back not that not that there needs to be anything in this for you but if the coyotes just disappear now you know I’m going to tell the story I’m not going to leave you out I’m not going to like whitewash but I’m not going to be like you know like I know and I don’t mean that you do you like that pru like that you like that acknowledgement you know I don’t know you don’t thrive on it but I will I will I promise I will tell people I prayed for the coyotes to go away and then they went away that’ll be my story and I sit here tonight to tell you like I haven’t heard the fucking coyotes since I prayed for them to go home
now now now so that some of you is a atheist Bandits okay that’s alright I love atheist we need them we need Skeptics we didn’t we need them more than than than than ever you guys can just assume that it was the Kevin Spacey monologue cuz I told them I said I said get your shit crazy from what from from House of Cards are commercials from his from his Christmas Christmas apron videos on YouTube Brenda I was pretty fucked up I got the plan today from Boston back to LA and the first thing I saw was that Notre Damas on fire in Paris not know that that really bums me out or not oh yeah what happened no I think so but now it’s saying that yet and it might have
construction accident in Nashville church has built like a 1940 or something that all fell in most of the superstructure and stone and the bell towers stayed up but it was a very big chance that all the bells are going to fucking fall down and kill everybody that firefighters in there but friends of ours like church has friends and I have friends that were like live right across to the descend from it and watch the whole thing catch on fire and there was people singing Ave Maria in French and it was maybe Latin I do not absolutely beautiful and I know that you have to be religious to be really struck by the fact that nearly what 900 year old building is just fucking in a Towering Inferno in the whole roof fell in
it’s really it was really gruesome and it was and it put me in a pretty bad mood
and I hope that they can rebuild it make a good set of something very rich Frenchman businessman said he’s going to give like a hundred million euro just to start the the rebuild on it which is greater
and then a friend of mine Brian has a very good friend he made like a joke cuz I posted a picture of me that I took in front of the Notre Dame like maybe like 3 or 4 years ago and you make sure that I don’t have a picture of myself in front of Notre Dom so I guess I can’t make it about me and that’s like I don’t think it’s making about you I don’t think it’s vanity I think that’s just grief and we’re very very good conversation about the I think social media does want you to make things about yourself like that over like we just are parakeets pecking at her own reflection and stuff but I think to have visited Notre Dom and to be sad that the thing is fucking on fire isn’t vanity I think the
I think that’s an expression of grief about watching one of the the world’s great pieces of architecture died in front of us and I don’t know if it’d be regular game in in in the in the states in University City is Indiana where is it South Bend Indiana but there’s no City it’s just the name of the lady of Paris and that’s the big church on the what’s the oldest today whatever like right in the middle of the Sun River and it’s right in the heart of friends it is probably the most iconic church ever I would have been less upset at the Sistine Chapel burned down in the fucking Notre Dame logo shots fired
that’s fired live right by it this is pictures you just smoke and then they think people that wrap them up more and like the sacre-coeur like that you looking down on Paris and you just see in the middle of Paris the most famous thing in the world just raging in fire

it it really really affected me and made me really really sad that supposedly the bells are still standing and make better that they say the towers and whatnot but
that they’re going to have to rebuild it
they gotta they’ve done it they’ll do it
I haven’t seen Game of Thrones yet oh boy that’s a good segue
Jackie Robinson turn the hundred today if he was still alive
the whole lot of shit going on today managed to emotionally charged I haven’t seen it either from DirecTV and I don’t think I have my shit set to record Game of Thrones so I might have to go back there and fucking have to sneak I wanted to watch that Scotty Bowers documentary so I I went to Apple TV and then it and then I went to it and then I took me to Amazon and then Amazon told me I had to get Starz through Amazon and then Stars said hey do you want to do after your free trial do you want to get charge monthly or yearly if you get charged yearly you save 50%
for only $79 a year for stars and I was like
so I paid like 80 bucks for a movie about a guy that was gay with Spencer Tracy I mean even more though if I did the monthly thing cuz I’m saving 70 bucks right
I don’t know the Jackie Robinson was a African-American ball player who is very very very
ambient I don’t know it’s not like it’s got It’s not like a big roller coaster ride like oh my God I can’t believe this happened was just interesting portrait
El Capitan in Yosemite or what’s it called
free solo supposed to be fucking crazy right is it good
we got to get for you as hell yeah
and all of his friends are dead right because everybody that tries to do that fucking dies don’t fucking do that you know I have serious acrophobia to I think that’s what that’s what it is is fear of heights Ryobi acrophobia like Cody and I are looking at houses and there was a house you looked at we were never going to get it but like it was like it just had this balcony it was like
I couldn’t go out on it I mean I could but I was like I can’t I couldn’t live here and I never occurred to me like I’ve been in hotels you know all the time you’re in a hotel in like I can’t like I wonder where I am on the you know ordinary meter of like people that can’t like Niger zebras one before we sing the micro velas thing we were on a very precipitous balcony if I’m on that one you got when I come to the balcony like that like my legs get numb I am seized with what I’ve read is described as I acted I couldn’t put it words onto it before I read it in this like coffee table book about phobias but it’s did talk about how people are people with this phobia are particularly disturbed by what they describe as a as a as a as a as a uncontrollable thought about jumping your brain is just running through the treatments for fear of heights or say is not so much a fear of falling is a fear of jumping
I noticed like if I’m holding an object or anyone around me is holding an object like that New Year’s work is just like you know and she’s got legs like what it was a whether it’s a phone or a glass of just like the thought of this thing like like dropping yeah like I get some bread or something that the idea is just like your brain is kind of doing flashcards or it’s like what if I jump no bad that would be bad if I grab this cop’s gun do that would be something that be fine you know but it’s just like it’s just the brain is kind of reinforcing the negative mental and emotional associations and I actually was a cop a cop grabbed the gun and just jumped off that be great why do they have a break
big guy you Hans Gruber but yeah I get it the most with phones I’m just always imagining like dropping my phone’s off bridges are opening up the hotel of a window of a hotel just to drop my phone out and I’m like this is bad I got to get out of here in the Bay Area and back and forth across the Golden Gate where people kill themselves all the time and I’m fascinated by it a cousin who did my mom’s sister’s Spencer
what side of the freezer outside, while some punk rockers fucking got the other side I don’t know that was written down I mean I’m sure it was I don’t know if it was brought up
I have nothing in common with those folks and I can’t remember why they don’t do what they can do I think it like I don’t I don’t I don’t know it might maybe it’s maybe maybe it’s constitutional Liberty maybe they’re in San Francisco right there so there at 6.
I think thank you
used to being a jerk and I made it about the bridge so you guys caught up on that on that glass trilogy
why don’t you guys do you watch the unbreakable then you watch the split and got you got all caught up you see that glass movie is it me or do you sound better your ear congestion seems to have gone away I thought text the Queen the Queen the queen went down the down the hatch stop playing the drones you know I’m feeling you sound like you’re back to full fighting shape could be he’s like well by all this medicine yeah I mean glass movie by myself and I am 46 years old and I knew what I was doing
and I watch the whole thing and at the end of it I was like so what are you going to tell people you watch this and you’re going to be like a little piece of shit and I was like what you doing what do you think what do you think and then like you know what I liked it I might as well say that we’re at why would you why would you want something and then like what am I watching it for there was a million I’d still haven’t watch The Notebook out of their stuff I could watch if I want to do Enlighten myself I was like well I’m going to watch glass so I can round out the unbreakable Trilogy at watch Bruce Willis
Sam Jackson and that guy the star of split just they spend the whole movie in a hospital
run by the woman that you get if Joan Cusack isn’t available and
and I’m like if this movie if this if they just have a fight in this movie’s parking lot I’m going to ship my pants and then I sure enough they fucking the whole movie it’s like The Breakfast Club that movie like they’re just like in a hospital for an hour and a half and then they fight in the parking lot it is so goofy is the goofiest movie I’ve ever seen now not really I’ve seen goofy or movies surely I don’t know I can’t name any offhand my brain is Swiss cheese but it was just such a goofy movie there these there’s like no I mean night night night night night night is that wasn’t trying to be funny I mean there was probably a moment or two and I was like oh and then this will be funny I didn’t notice that but put it was just like I should say something nice or what where are these from now this is that you can you can watch this now on their Street
you don’t want to watch this movie I just got checked in with the kids and me and I know there is they love the Shamaley on
did you know that M Night Shyamalan is actually he is the brother of a more beloved director named M Night Shyamalan and like his his mom doesn’t make sense cuz you don’t have different last names are you might have a different dad
falling out of the creative arts Emmys you know it’s like that Jamal Lyon you know if you’re not you’re not here no Kamali On Come On Eileen by jamali on you know he’s got to live with that that’s how I say it I’m sure it’s not how do you say bag also we don’t know what he does
the energy for you your hair is looking very good when I know you got this kind of kind of Deadliest Catch kind of captain of a vessel flattery will get you everywhere
does the Bering Sea gives up its Great Haircuts
what’s your secret how do you keep your hair so soft and manageable
I went so I don’t know so Cody kind of curious to ask for detective episodes but okay this motherfucker has been killing it. I don’t I don’t know if I’m hearing about a order or were you listening to the patreon episodes could be maybe she should try the Patriot but dude he went off on this thing. Jesus murder mysteries murder mysteries I want to say his name is Ryan Krause it is okay I mean he’s like first of all he did I don’t know if you did it recently or if it was just there and I didn’t know it but he did he did my the the Kanika Powell mystery like which is that that young lady that I talked about who you know when we had the red-handed girls on it and I was saying like I don’t understand why
why this thing you know it’s like so crazy that she was more than one right I was like trying to kill her in just to rest for me what do you say depended on this like guy that was active at that time before going to jail and he was like a sloppy pseudo serial killer who did run with a gang who kind of like had people doing his bidding and he was a UPS guy that was like he was he frequently used friends to do like the holdup jobs where they pretend they’re delivering a package and then go into staying and like I was telling you was doing like rapes and murders weren’t begot weren’t weren’t Beyond him and he he he he ended up in prison sometime after this happened but he’s just like it’s that guy and he didn’t get caught for that and then he went to prison for other shit and he’s in prison now and I was like that makes me feel better because it just seemed like
I think it was scary to me was that the end of the story is that she comes home from doing errands and whoever was trying to get into her apartment all the sudden shoots her in her apartment buildings vestibule and just runs away but
it’s like oh not but Heat this is a person is really stupid and that spent weeks trying to get into her apartment and it was his like very clear from the behaviors and kind of late and I was like hey this person was in her apartment and use all the dumbest ways to try to get into our apartment and then out of absolute frustration just like waited there and probably pulled a gun on her as she came home and she was military and Savvy and was no way she was going to comply and it and then if there was a struggle or something and just in case she started screaming and he couldn’t control the situation so he shot her so she couldn’t be a witness and ran off and that’s why it was like but that’s that’s the thing that was really freaking me out because it made is like well if it wasn’t about assaulting her and it wasn’t about robbing her is like like this this whole thing was a coordinated attempts to kill one woman and no one’s investigating it and it has like a sloppy
the same kind of Tramadol that we’re all in danger of all the time like that just goes able to file it now thank you Asperger detective he’s great he is it normal for the True Crime stuff for a guy that I have just like a really concrete laid out theory that he supports was several you know no I mean he’s like Columbo it away I just don’t engage in a lot but like he just like you know he’s like yours the crime and here’s why this person didn’t who’s has not proven guilty but I’m just going out on a limb and say and I believe in it and it’s just crazy because it’s like I don’t know if he’s right or whatever I took those you don’t know if he’s right but other times it’s just like oh man this guy is just like they should give him a medal or something definitely look these people up but you know I don’t think a lot of you know this is very interesting also does he’s like a little little things once in awhile and like you said sometimes he does it badly aggravating Lear mysterious leave it then then boy I heard a couple
he’s like nailing it and one of them was like the Cassie
Chessie last name Tessy I think I was like this this woman who stabbed her kids and then tried to pretend like someone came in her house and did it in and it just at the end of his at the end of of some of these episodes he he just goes and that’s about it and that’s why she stabbed her two children but the reason why she did that is because of the same reason we do anything because she’s afraid afraid of dying afraid of being alone she can’t stand the idea that our Few Stolen Moments on this planet are precursors to an Infinity of Darkness after gaining only a brief glimpse of temporary fleeting light she’s worried she’s a sentient mammal like the rest of us she doesn’t know should she lose weight should you gain weight is she doing it wrong does she get the right car hood you like these crazy like George Carlin me a house key like fucking
Henry Miller like monologues that aren’t really that for she’s like really like I might go a speedy beat poet like he’s right and it’s almost woke Cody up I’m like you got it you got to rewind and listen to this guy is like laying it down really laid it down so you have Dan you have a ghillie suit at your house currently right now
is it like in the closet is on the floor isn’t a kiss in a case like what where is it currently existing right now well it’s probably just strewn about the bedroom cuz when Cody saw me in it you know now it’s like laying next to you do a slam pretty sexy it’s probably laying on the living room coffee table just wrote about in it you’ve been outside of it and if you commune with the coyotes no I haven’t yet
you you want with a ghillie suit before you got ladder ghillie suit came first
I don’t know why I actually didn’t order mine yet kind of coyotes
that’s probably good can we do it show where you come out in the ghillie suit
I mean maybe
but I guess a property lease that you’d have to dress up like the dynasty typewriter you have to wear like mahogany and have a candle on your head and stuff like that like you want to camouflage yourself based on your surroundings yeah I mean right like a big armoire
but who cares you know oh damn or something
stupid I’ve been business Asperger detectors been blowing my mind because like you said he does he’s wrapping up things they’re like about seams and stuff and it’s like it’s been like church or something it’s made me realize I was like oh man I’m afraid to ask for things and I’m like I got to ask for stuff more and I’ve been analyzing my life oh man it feels good there was something that he did a little bit where I was I got a little inspiration from it to the same thing like how people are like I’ll let me ask for help or ask for stuff I don’t do that I was thinking about it it was with one of the things that drives my self-hatred you know there’s a there’s a podcast called I think small town dicks
and it’s my favorite Billy Joel song Yeardley Smith is that the only person I don’t know and her friend and then they have these two detectives and it’s really well done it’s the higher-end True Crime podcast well-produced in but they had an episode where Yardley told these the stories about her as a victim in a couple of them and then there was one for dessert that was like just insane it was like the behavior of the person trying to victimize her was insane but then it was almost it was almost the profound thing about it was how how insane she felt as a victim like how she she just describing the
crazy behavior on the part of this guy that was doing work on her house and he started running all this that crazy shit on her and Keely Smith as an actor she was she was she was she wasn’t always just a voice of of Lisa Simpson like she’s she’s she’s she appears in TV shows and stuff and she was having kind of a Heyday in the nineties and she’s she’s a very small like kind of adorable sort of like like unassuming like everything about her face kind of kind of transmits this sort of like like I don’t know a thing or something energy something that is interesting cuz I’ve heard from from women before like like women’s are certain kinds of like women who are like like like I I have this like kind of thing about me is
guys like they smell something on me and they’re like coming after me because they’re like it it’s like like I have this like a victim Target on my head or anything like that but I was like it occurred to me while listening to the stories I like I like I bet it’s not just cuz she’s famous a bit late like it what it is because it’s because like there’s certain people that like they just died I think I like predators are just like oh yeah I don’t know if it’s like it it’s more like oh I’m in love I’m in love I’m just walking with certain people and then like people just yell at them like that it’s like I’ve never experienced this in my life but it’s just like people seek them out and like our comfortable throwing shit at them for whatever reason I don’t know if it’s like yeah like a predator 6 or something
story about this kid just absolute batshit psycho guy was like doing work on our house and he’s like ramping up the the stuff and she keeps talking about these crazy points where your listening to the story and that her friend is listed as tried saying okay so that it this point like you did you think about telling anybody about this like crazy thing that was happening to you and and and she always had this reason why no no not that time or about it but I kind of built to this moment where she she said she’s been through this and figure this all out by now this is decades ago but it was like the reason she came to LA to be an actor at this tiny person that that that you know isn’t necessarily shows you look like Farrah Fawcett she was going to happen to go eat the world cuz I’m entitled to it because of my stature or my whatever it’s like there’s this just like the culture of her family and her psychology in her head was like
oh my in bishan and I’m going to go out there and I’m going to do this thing and it’s like a very healthy thing I go own your dreams and visualize your success in all that stuff in that but it comes with this other thing that she’s she’s getting victimized by these like crazy stalker guy that she’s not telling anybody like and it’s like it’s like so far beyond points would like red flags where where you know anyone else might have gotten killed you just don’t know and then and then and then she kind of got she got choked up for the end because she finally got to a point with this guy where she’s simply to this guy came over a house that was you at work or are you headed to get who eats plain to her that he’d just killed two people for her because they had been following her and he’s like laying his whole thing in her and I need $25,000 of crazy like weird psycho Shakedown and and then she just kept letting it go she still didn’t go to anybody and then she describes the moment where she finally she just
runs out of her house and she goes and calls this guy that worked at the studio should of the fox lot probably for for help and she started telling the story because that’s that the thing that got to her was that she finally had to explain to this guy like this is what’s been going on and I like like and you could see her in her voice is like like like oh this is the moment of my weakness where I have to tell somebody that I let this get this far and then I finally need help with it or something and it was just such an interesting stat that that that other side of of confidence in ambition and autonomy like you could be you you might be without knowing it like pathologically incapable of of of telling somebody you need help and I thought I would have wondered and now
smear it all over everyone I find that I can ask people for things that in a workplace context but outside of that I have a very rough time like burdening my friends with a request start like I always feel like it’s burnt but it’s just like hey you want to get a sandwich it’s like not you know it’s not trying to take anything but it feels weird to me but it might be some more thing
yeah sorry no eyes there was nothing I thought I just couldn’t believe that story I was I was really taken by it she just like this she she she she seems like such a
such a remarkable character they’re very like duck duck down until the end of their little true crime stories of Westside ghoulish because they’re talking to detectives so there that has the detective walk them through little cases that they have
what a victim-blaming
but a parent blaming like that. Don’t do it there was like like it was just like a sex crime saying what the fuck was it it was like
answer what are the detectives explaining this is maybe just put me off having kids forever I’m not doing it anymore like I haven’t told Cody I made a permanent decision but he was he was he was like he was like look your kids got an iPhone you need to go through that thing or whatever they’re up to its on you cuz I’m not going through my kids phone if they’re like and you can’t keep you from having a phone there like like like like until the kids 18 and they’re living with you it’s your responsibility as a parent modern parenting you got to go through their phone and make sure that they’re you know you going to check up on them that’s there there’s a whole thing happening as big all these stories about kids that end up doing all this fuckedupshit or falling into these fucked up world like doll on their phone and and that that’s the that’s the same thing as their bedroom was if they go in the in the sixties and like you got to you got it’s not their diary it’s like you got to go to a true and I guess maybe a text
Glee is like like because God knows no one else is going to raise your kid for you but then I’m like okay so I’m not having a kid for sure I could go through a 12-year olds shit or be the only dad that doesn’t let a twelve-year-old have whatever the fuck everyone else has but you know if you think we should have sailed for you in terms of children like for good I don’t know you know these you know these tadpoles are still dancing
as I said I learned that the hard way I mean Cody gets off. John talk to Cody like I mean it’s like she’s in her prime she’s she’s been her creative Prime she’s in her biological Prime I just said that I’ll do I’ll probably do whatever she wants no I definitely don’t want kids and then she was like it’s time I might be like I don’t know I have to gas lighter somehow
their book on how to Gaslight
no I don’t know I don’t know where you were really up in the air with Ben we’ve just been having a
an imperative for her or no she’s not we’re not yeah she’s not she we don’t wear undecided and like she had she had a little. Where she was like should I freeze my eggs she talk to the therapist about it in the therapist was like look if freezing your eggs is like a ritual you need to engage in that lets you own your life then by all means freeze your eggs but if you can skip the egg freezing and just do the like just stop that identifying yourself by yeah I was like that kind of thing like like like you shouldn’t be this shouldn’t be running your life that’s crazy
does the therapist brother didn’t say that’s crazy but but he was like okay I’m going to freeze my eggs I told this story and then she like looked at the information she’s like Step 1 don’t get high for 6 months if she’s like nope
oh you were okay I’ll eventually you’re going to break
but I don’t know if we ran into a friend and she she’s in her forties and she
does a podcast about trying to do inseminate herself is a couple of podcasts out there now people that are going through the process of trying to conceive and sharing the details of it and stuff the Molly hockey puck yeah okay
take me to be a father I don’t know cuz I could do I could see that I don’t know I don’t want to force it I don’t think that I want one like a lot but I feel like I could do that you know Phil ultimate reason to be a father to the world
yes I think that ship has sailed for me like I mean I could still do it obviously but I’d like like my father we had me when I was 41 I’m 45 and I never had any memories of my dad who didn’t have gray hair but he was always a salt and pepper grey haired guy and he taught soccer and baseball and how to ride a horse and how to dig a hole and do a thing in like he was like the second Super Dad in the thing I just don’t know if I’ve got the fucking I do improv 13 years if I had a kid tomorrow that’s only 13 years I have before I have another like fucking goober like that I just done that I’m trying to cut loose is like like oh great another fucking like kid but that I have to raise I just feel like I feel like I have a three three hundred thousand of them every time I post an Instagram
I was like I just want to like I just want to experience for one moment before I get diagnosed with something like peace like I did it I beat you guess what I didn’t like any of you either haha cool yeah you know I don’t like just one just one and one hour of that before before I’m like in charge of whether or not people feel good or bad about themselves like I hate people I’ve lost a lot of face and in the species but I don’t feel like it’s a bad thing I feel like my face was unhealthy it was like codependence or something it was like what you know the approval addiction or something it’s like people are people suck like they’re they’re shity they’re not all shity and there that none of them are all shity as individuals and and certainly not all people are shity that has lots and lots of better ones in all stuff but just in general like you know bacteria you know just the garbage
the Internet is just it’s just I still struggled and I was like oh is it is it like like like like like my latest inside is like cuz I like where is like that you know the photo of the black hole and I thought was a reasonably funny joke like like take on the thing it was like the photo of the black hole and I did this like cops and robbers like it was a headline that said like meet the woman that took the photo of the black hole and it and I ate so I did this caption that was like okay well I saw this headline after I wrote my Rotten Tomatoes review of the black hole and then did this kind of like review of the black hole where it was very clear that like I was trying to take something away from from the black hole as if it was created by a woman and it was just like yeah
the good guy that I thought it was a well-crafted like but not like Beyond anyone’s like Reckoning kind of thing and I remember like at the end of it I was like I was like I was like hover over the quick bite and I’m like okay what is anybody going to misunderstand and I remember going like well you say the word wheelchair at the end that’ll probably trigger a couple people and that’s okay cuz I I said by the way a collapsed star that could have been predicted by almost any guy in a wheelchair or something like that it was like a couple like a blister, and that’s fine it is an extended it was like 10% of 300,000 people just just just in all sincerity just going like yeah but just cuz she’s a woman doesn’t make the black hole any less valuable like Lincoln true sincerity I read that one and I predict
before I looked at any comments that you’re going to get rumbled on that are arguing with dumb people it was it was actually like a out of all the things I’ve ever done that have been that misunderstood by that many people like I was kind of like I regret that when the least cuz it really is a Moment of clarity where I might you can kind of like see like it felt like equal equal equal people on two lobes are just like people that saw Concepts that made them want to LEAP to the defense of something with good intentions and people that hated those people as it like book all just like people not exercising any amount of critical thinking really bright because there’s absolutely no way
I mean what what point did you that’s why I started thinking about it was like okay so are people getting Dumber or like and I pictured like okay let’s go to the Roman Colosseum and like I think that would have I think the part of what the internet is doing is is this so imagine being at the Roman Colosseum in the snow is no technology Beyond like you just you just in a crowd of people that’s the best the biggest internet easiest crowd you can be and it’s just a bunch of people at the Coliseum and then someone comes out and they think they’re going to try to do a little bit late like maybe something about they’re not they didn’t think it through I had a I wrote on a the VMAs in 2006 and this writer Matt Murray was like
it is like you know you’re being too nuanced to some of the stuff like I wrote I wrote on the Jimmy Fallon VMAs and like what I learned is that
let these kinds of audiences can express themselves in one of two ways they can they can scream or they can be quiet so you’re imagining like like the bandwidth being lowered so you don’t have a comment you don’t have you know everyone doesn’t have like is qwerty keyboard in front of them and then also but they’re connected to each other so think about all the times you’ve ever been in public and you’ve been watching something like at a carnival or something and they could probably it’s probably a hard thing to remember to the president stick out that much in your memory cuz it’s but but you could what you can probably remember is that this happens now and then you just probably can’t like conjure up a list of the times you’ve seen it but you’re at a live performance and something something goes wrong something something goes wrong between the performer in the audience the either it’s either to the performers fall to the net that they didn’t they didn’t realize like how the venue how the timing of it was going to work or it’s just simply like it’s a matter of opinion on your part of
turn out the anyone’s fault but like you have memories in your head of like a disconnect happening where somebody in the audience might might go like like like like like because they’re responding at the wrong time to the wrong concept and then like that person traditionally they get their tickets swallowed up either by silence or there’s like there’s a group of people around them that are like Off With His Head is at the button or overhear people going like it’s a bit it’s a bit it’s a bit in real time it’ll just kind of like wash out that that’s like usually were biologically designed for that to be a much more organic process but yeah people pop off
and they want to be special and they want they want to contribute to things but we’re designed biologically to do that in an environment where is just like stabilizes itself so quickly and which allows you to not have put your ass out there that’s the problem I think is that by the time people are telling you these days that you’re a fuking idiot that which happens to the best of us some shit goes over your head sometimes you just looking at stuff the wrong way the wrong Angela coffee cup the wrong nutrients in your breakfast like bron bron timing performers fought sometimes too like like like like by the time someone is telling you you didn’t get it over your head you don’t have a sense of humor you didn’t you didn’t get it you have written a fucking essay about about how know Captain Crunch should never be cloned cloning is there is no Captain Crunch that’s a cereal character and you’re like
did your Tendencies there were going to be too big
although there are considerations late like where it where as normally that what you’re designed to be able to do is just go to like like you’re only you only have just a little bit of a yay or a boo boo coming out of your mouth before you feel that humiliation kick in if you don’t have this kite that you flown that’s been designed and his energy punch Anthony think that’s one hand I think it’s like a way of looking at it positively and saying like look we’re no different we’re not changing that much we’re just is it just the medium it just it just it just it just shines different lights in different parts of our general the same amount of stupidity that we’ve always had but a really scary way of looking at it is that yeah but that’s that’s a feedback loop that is that the memory you store now it’s different than going to a magic show and get the ladies sign a little bit in half and your likes
and like someone goes like it’s it’s magic and and you’re like

that’s a different story you have in your head and you file that differently and affects your complete your your neurological map completely differently then I think then if you write a paragraph you know advocating in defending and I’d like accusing and hashtagging and then someone is like wow you read that wrong. I don’t I don’t know if that a site that worries me that that that that’s going to make that sock off balance makes the dryer scoot all the way across the basement floor the millennial still have stocks basements and dryers they probably have like a like like contextually aware like dryers now that I like there’s only one talking here
I will I will group swarm I will tag three other drivers on the Block and received information from them
I want to know what I want and I want to hear more of a millennial dryer
isn’t it interesting I think it was a TED Talk I heard was somebody was like I want to give somebody explaining that we can’t we’re not going to stop technology like we keep I know we know that in general but we keep the fact that we keep thinking of it like oh something goes too far will stop it or something goes into a dangerous area they were talking about like the smart devices the fact that if you get a new refrigerator now it’s a good chance it’ll be like Wi-Fi capable for no reason that some Yahoo just of course they put they made your refrigerator like able to log on to the internet and like a check from your juicer side like like it always starts with some gimmick you know what is that sells an extra refrigerator but it’s like it’s never going to stop you did is no way you can’t opt out of this stuff it is that I don’t know why I find
interesting I guess I should find it awful I guess we’re in the end of the show because I’m just so much and then I have this thing where like I’ll buy some food and then I have to go on the road and I’ll put everything in the freezer and now I just got nothing but shit in the first six million loaves of bread in the freezer that I just like that that’s kind of bread to Old Man on a bus stop bench I want the bike or a Red Rider wagon
I don’t know you put the bananas in the freezer because you don’t want him to be rotting and then you just got some frozen bananas in there and they’re black and they did this descendants
inside the Teddy Roosevelt die whenever it was it was just like a party or something weird like I was some scavenger hunt or something I wasn’t like a movie theater
I think I fell asleep during a piece of shit George Clooney Hitler stealing art movie Batman Monuments Men arguments I went to the Vista theater in which I love and I went there to go see Dunkirk and I’ve had a couple drinks and I fell asleep immediately and then woke up like about 20 minutes then going to I’m just a drunk guy asleep at the movie theater at a matinee and I got up and I left and then I came back the next day sober and then but I like the movie it was a good movie theater in Old Town Pasadena where you you get the armchair
I was probably snoring I’ve been I can’t imagine they give you a blanket don’t get me a blanket what was Gene Wilder died my mother before I was Gene Wilder passed away at the ArcLight in Hollywood should a bunch of Gene Wilder films and church and I went and saw Blazing Saddles and it was awesomely people that were over 40 and people that were like under 30 and elbow under 30 people over 40 were dying laughing in the movie a million times we can karaoke the whole thing and the the youngsters were uncomfortable with because there’s 11 and bombs in the first real and nobody knew where the fucken put it and I thought it was made it in the movie even funnier at that people were being bummed out at Blazing Saddles
well I mean if you repeated that process today I think you’d find the people over 40 with wood allred’s it time to change so fast that nobody would be laughing in their right I guess that way it it’s
it’s good that things are changing by the way like Lake what is that like that reaction you have when you hear another thing about my account stolen so I want some from now on you they should call this thing that thing and then you like you always have that I always have that staying is my eye statement I always have that like for crying out loud when they’re going to stop never never going to stop singing like I’m like oh shit they’re coming for me and like it doesn’t matter how woke I get today tomorrow next week like I’m Walt Disney at this point like I’ve done my crimes my Steamboat Willies on the internet like I can’t get it off I like I am problematic I’ve been problematic for the first forty years of my life and the older I
get the more problematic it’s going to be there’s a whole nother generation coming if I’m lucky enough to make it to 70 there’s going to be a 20 year olds they’re going to make you guys roll your eyes that are going to be like this guy’s Hitler like watching my fucking shity like that we do with his life like there’s a bit that we do while we would bring out a woman out of the audience so we asked her about her life and I sing a song to her and I used to make it way more kind of flirtatious and romantic and and we did a show in Madison Wisconsin on the day of the Kavanaugh confirmation and on the the capitol steps in Madison before your riggity wrecked we got to review that day and hearing all these stories and everybody got up and got a microphone and told us stories about all the shit that they’ve gone through and it was pretty heavy and then I had to go
improv show and its five white guys on stage doing the show the day that fucking Kavanaugh was confirmed and it was a trigger read a for a lot of people and we got a review from a woman who just fucking hated us and I did it because it was a bad day for womankind and for a lot of people but I’ve had to voluntarily adjust the way that I approach that one improv game because it’s like everything is just an in for all the good reasons and for every possible reason things have shifted into way that like what used to be hilarious is not in the way that used to be even just a few months ago and there’s ways to do and still be funny but without doing the other thing before I got me to dude I made 3 this
but even before that like on the you know window window Weinstein kind of like water table did whatever water tables do I don’t know. Nautical but but I really kind of like okay alright then let’s examine ourselves be aware of what’s going on and everybody running in my through my head for like the first time in my life was to start a things like whether it’s on stage at the workplace it with strangers anybody was kind of like cuz it started with me going like okay what about that what about that relationship it in stumbling upon the idea of like well where you where you did it when that manner was it like when I had and then I was like something maybe go won’t want you look at it this way or what what if it was this guy that you had the same set of circumstances with Lakes swapped out the woman in my head for a guy
and then was like lately all of a sudden was like wait no I would the guy would have been like what you doing stop people just been like you or I would have been like what’s with myself and then kind of like blood blossoming out in my head going like I do got every Dunkin Donuts cashier anybody like like in any time because there’s a lot of stuff also part of growing up don’t you don’t you feel like you came of an age where you were like actually a lot of it was like absolutely not anything but like learning to be actually kind and Charming or funny or you know what I mean like like like part of being a man like and becoming confident it was a Teddy to get you get is it was involved like sexualizing like I don’t mean sexualizing like the activity I mean like gender-wise but like like kind of like like getting like like sort of like knowledge being the differences between you and the purse
you’re talking to it was like it was like the equivalent of like learning to use a flat head screwdriver like you were graduating from Fisher-Price to Sears tools and it felt benevolent it didn’t it felt the opposite of predatory it felt gracious and chivalrous and charming and all the stuff but then you look back on it and you go okay but now these kids are ready for what whether that was right or wrong or doesn’t really matter is now the kids are ready they’re like okay but look wipe that clean like don’t talk to anybody in a way that acknowledges like anything that you perceive with your eyeballs. Like just see them as if I can like tennis ball on a stick and let you get ready for yo b b a i
edible in your dealings and you will that then you don’t have to worry about it you’ll keep talk about what scares you talk about what you do and don’t all of us are is our problem areas and I think that is what’s frustrating for people is so I can never do this I can never do that like yeah you can’t it’s like he has frustrating it is like a bunch of stuff that you did last week like it’s not on the table anymore and it’s frustrating and embarrassing and I do and I do think they like the the problem that the Perpetual cycle thing is that the people don’t they don’t understand that the idea of correcting people or we’re hoping the people get better it shouldn’t be such a gleeful activity because that’s there you’re not you’re not going to make any new converts like there it’s like that that’s exactly their nightmare the all the only way that you learn that you that that that that it’s it’s sex worker instead of prostitute now there’s no Hogwarts for that you’re there if your 48 years old you do you could be the best person in the world
Farmington or there’s a thousand things I would take back and not not upset again because they’re not they weren’t funny then they wouldn’t be funny now like this it’s like there’s so many that there’s a couple things that aired on TV that I would go. Never fucking say that again because it’s it doesn’t I don’t think it was funny then but I but I was allowed to get away with it then because it’s like how how how much Glee we take in when we were eighteen 25 like the idea that there was some time long ago when that you could scroll back in the microfiche and like haha Kleenex had erased his dad like and we felt superior but I caught you you know when you would dig that stuff up which is it was just like more of a difficult thing to do and it was more profound back then I was like but
we hid it in there that makes me shudder now cuz it’s like oh you’re next like your your Frigidaire your Disney your you’re just you’re an institution if you’re lucky it went Disney you could walk down Main Street and there was a they’re gone now there was curtains at suasticas on them
but I think it was funny because when the old like like a Native American thing where it wasn’t like like like that sure yeah that’s an old symbol but that was their members even fucking see a function she wants to come up in the main street at the Wildman mr. Toad’s Wild Ride would take you through alsace-lorraine yeah you you had to go to bed the sudetenland and an NXT alsace-lorraine
fucking mr. Toad’s Wild Ride I don’t think I’ve ever been on this thing it’s great because it’s a story of a bunch of animals led by a toad and there’s ready and there’s whatever the family and what not and you go and you started a bar then you go get some pie and then you go to hell
because it’s about it’s about drunk driving you go to jail but you can hit by an escaped jail you get hit by a train you die you go to hell and it’s just it’s just a tale about being British
we were walking freezing it is the coldest I’ve ever been in Los Angeles or Orange County it was just dead cold outside we went on mr. Toad’s Wild Ride a bunch and because it’s one of the residents have cameras inside so we all had flasks of booze so when you go inside and get in the car and you go inside you can just drink on it and then at the end you go to hell in this heat lamps
and this guy that was running the ride is like you guys have been on this ride like 12 times like what is going on I go it’s warm and how I guess she thinks we’re only here for the drinking and the and the heat lamp in hell
you’re at sucks fucking submarines now that it’s Finding Nemo boo yeah those submarine in that movie all came loose in my pocket oh no oh no you’re not. You’re going to lose that around the carpet nut Keanu Reeves have you never go to you never go to the floor for drugs
That’s A good rule
I just eat the powder with a little dad to it’ll help I have finished the script tonight tonight would you know which one is this can’t say the same stock Aquaman to write
I can neither confirm nor deny and go to hotel hotel and you turn on the TV remote doesn’t make anything happen the remote no and then you turn it on any of the fucking first thing you get Mario Mario Lopez and he’s talking to you about Aquaman 10 minutes of the crab people
you know and so on
what is it about water that is dumb is it just because we left it
like a little mermaid got out of there it was at the price of what losing your voice yeah I know but we’re like don’t I don’t want to watch we don’t want to watch a movie like they didn’t ever say SpongeBob SpongeBob movies pretty good little mermaid she knows the word Trove but she doesn’t know the word
walking around on the street but she knows Trove yeah like a treasure Trove fucking like what was so it’s a weird she doesn’t know what that she doesn’t ever called feet that doesn’t track stupid wait what why not stress street street is a terrestrial cultural Epoch you get a trove in your quinceanera when you’re a mermaid fins you don’t get too far. I do do mermaids dancer that don’t know the word Street and I’m not going to let you revisit The Little Mermaid I just think that’s a weird thing she also very conveniently the two words that she doesn’t ever rhyme
listen to Andrew Lloyd whoever fucking wrote boat
Andrew Lloyd Webber that’s a good fish joke cuz this is Wells or what about the Swamp man yeah he has webbed feet
I have web feed you guys know that I got to web toes ladies
I think I think church is going to website to hell yeah you know what they say yeah that’s what I got I got the second and change lunch
yeah that’s what I got twins oh hell yeah we can swim oh yeah you guys know my times
the fly that has really helped us women right not bad like even if it was a little bit like all Olympic teams would have liked all people with this is like it’s really hard but they like shave their arms and stuff I mean like if you would think like like they’re very conscious of like every little detail so I would think I would assume that if having like a web toe I think pinching your toes together approaches the the resistance of webbed toes in the pool
of course yes
you know what to say about guys with webbed feet webbed hands right
web gloves are webbed it’s like the spitting dinosaur from Jurassic Park because like the frail that yeah
Nigel likes to go under the covers
like a bitch really likes to sleep like right on my thigh like to go under the covers and he sleeps right here like where RoboCop’s gun would be like I will I will I will I will I will wake up with the morning tumescence
and then horrible I will I will I will pull down my new undies and look kind of like let
let Tim Allen syndicate
Regatta I’m not sure I follow that it’s a new way of saying
now you got it you’re all y’all but I get the world’s problem before I let it like like wear itself out maybe you know it’s just like I think it’s like a it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy if your guy who sleeping in briefs and then this happens in the mornings and then like the first thing that’s happening to your wiener is looks like encountering resistance with your according to your wiener is like encouragement your wieners like that’s what I’m all about like I want something to fight me like that that’s good that’s what that’s that’s what that’s called rubbing and it’s like well know it’s also called that you’re you’re misbehaving and you’re in the way and we’re trying to sleep so I will I will just pull my my my undies down the like me level like and just just let it let it just
let the let the flagpole and write it out. Getting encouragement and it’ll just it’ll just feel itself like like it was Amelia Earhart into the Bermuda Triangle feel like just be free go ahead and dream but like like leave us out of it but but now you have a Robocop dog but I’ll come in like Lake it’s like no you can’t come under and then like the dogs are very insistent one of my kind of hard on like good yeah anyways that’s all
with what so what happened
well nothing I’m not your fucking Nigel doesn’t understand it’s like no you can’t you can’t come under here now you’re going to be sleeping next to my hard dick and it’s different
and the dog doesn’t understand that and probably have anything given his proclivity for munching on my underwear I don’t even want to know what would happen if my you know the generator of my underwears various sub since we’re like right there for the freebasing I don’t know I don’t want to know because I’m very happy I feel I’m one of those people that I got no need to put you at you have to address to the limits I’m not it’s not it’s not an ethical Choice it’s like it’s more of like I’m happy right now I don’t want to know more about Aleister Crowley so you have to physically remove Reginald was down there already I wouldn’t I wouldn’t release the Kraken I
it’s it’s it’s like that he’ll he’ll come back like he could you like to go down and then you like to come back up and he sploots and he hears themself out and he goes back under the flutes that I have to do the whole chicken legs they laid down and put their legs kind of down instead of under their body Like a Torpedo Road and fuck Nigel just a second to throw the dog a bone
oh boy
that’s good but it’s not
play it’s hard to appreciate that’s what she said
I was like Levy do you think like so when am I going to get fired can I like letting turn of the script and he’s like you can still write it tonight
what do you write is like the colonel to my Elvis you have it on your phone or going to give me a give me right in the final page right now oh yeah I’m down to one page that’s
I’m a I’m a real perfectionist that’s what that one page to be right
? Or no? How far do you have to go I’m not telling you that those records are sealed
okay I got you anyhow I’m almost done alright Jack
done I’m almost done I might die almost done I’m never doing this again
see I do I do I can’t believe my Ober driver came to the show a boy
I had an Uber driver that it’s not the same I know I told you that our jobs were similar
you can’t answer I bet you used you were like I don’t want to go through Hancock Park and what just go
okay thank you what’s what’s wrong with you and like I can’t figure out why Superman would eat this apple and you’re in your leg just write it my Lyft driver tonight had the the best named that name was unique
unique are all fake now people using fake names he counts to keep driving for the company I don’t know how that works if you’re just a draft damn I already know it’s just yeah
your flash expert
show The Flash guy
what you doing Jacob The Flash would be able to run so fast but thank you and also like as a flash guy is like yeah I know that’s his solution everything you know Barry Allen screenplays suck a deeper problems in that I just for me it’s like it’s a good there’s something there’s something like like just leave me alone everybody yeah I don’t think you have to finish this thing I never thought of that everybody take
why don’t you just write it so wow she’s like how why do you do it why did you want you could have been you could have been happy 3 months ago like you could have been like a
like a soccer player you could have I could have stayed a dishwasher a deep-sea welder for the amount of of of people I got to like me I could have stayed a dishwasher I did take that I’ve been tired lately I was like cheese you know when all is said and done I basically I’m disappointing people every bit as much as well as washing their dishes but now I have like millions of dollars
I’ll take it
I just kind of funny how I didn’t want that part I just was like what people like me is bad and they got to go to the Community College we doing why don’t you like me is that my fault is like like like just like me. I don’t know but I don’t want you to like me anymore dumb I hate all of you
all right so just see you next week
we did it
Spencer Crittenden
on a camp trailer Camp David
Zach you got some beats up there for me I hope or no
Lanai music if you got something
oh yeah thank you all things are coming
I’m so tired I’m so tired
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