Episode: 331 – High as Bat Pussy

Episode

Episode: 331 – High as Bat Pussy

Description

Dan dives deep into balls. Before the show Dan gets a little too high, which is perfect for our guest Gabriel Sunday, creator and star of the new cannabis inspired TV series Dope State. Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis, Spencer Crittenden and Gabriel Sunday.

Transcript

brought you by Lacroix or Lacroix how do you say it
one moment please check your check check
Pokemon turn off the dynasty typewriter in downtown Los Angeles are there about harmontown is once again in session
badrinath the game
oh yeah been certain couch
it’s the cabinet it’s got drawers on it painting couch speaking of the sexiest Eatontown
oh damn
damn damn thank you
thank you thank you thanks I I had to pick and choose and I had a couple things to talk about but I got to go in order of importance or I’ll forget the most important thing of cheese
that I I looked into why Balls Hang off the body today and it for years because I’ve always known that that explanation that you’ve heard which is like it takes like a degree cooler temperature for sperm to be there made or stored as like like like you’re telling me they didn’t figure out a wet just some ring false about it and I always thought it was a most scientific explanation needs to be cooler down there and the thing that makes the most sense about what I learned
is is the heart of the the LIE is that that true the balls are hanging down there for a temperature different but the the darker more Sinister saying is that it’s not necessary it’s not like oh it’s a deal-breaker for the evolution of life as God there’s no other way to make sperm could never happen forget about storing them in all boys sperm they’re so delicate there so it’s such an amazing process and it needs to be deserting temperature the sperm preferat
did they they live longer and use less resources so it’s like a group on your leg like a lever they’re pulling it like let’s take it up a notch if he falls down here see and make a little cooler and that is that is what they’re doing because when sperm are simple organisms like little ants I know it’s gross to think about answering your balls but like what they share is that there’s no circulatory system there’s nothing look sperm have a longer more comfortable life in your balls than they would in a cup of soup like and it’s because they get heat activated like they know when they are and aren’t in a vagina but if they feel like they’re kind
vagina they’ll all then they’ll just be all hustle-bustle and they’ll run out of their little lunches that their daddy packed for him
English broken have that
they want to live all day and then they get into vagina they’re just going to be like you’re still in the in the jacuzzi like they’re still going to be relaxed and chilling out this is why is it you can you can understand why a science class would avoid this semantically because we’re just we’re already uncomfortable we’re talking about well it knows when it’s in a pussy and it’s kind of weird to talk about it even in it like a health class or something cuz it’s like eat eat eat eat it too much unisex said they try to keep it to try to keep everything separate explaining all these things to you about what might happen and definitely shouldn’t happen like like but like you know why your why your body is going through changes you know the second you have sex at in school yeah and even if it’s
coed thing they kind of like they don’t you know it’s like they mention the ACT but it’s like this idea of like well the sperm what you guys need to understand is that you’re you’re packing a population of 100 million Torpedoes and then they want to be in one place and once they get there it’s on that’s the part that’s uncomfortable is that when they did they get kind of heat activated and then their dinner then there have been waiting my whole life this is where I’m going to die here in this desert or whatever but but they will also the important thing to understand is that they’re not it’s not like you’re blocked it’s not it’s not that they would burst out on their own cuz it get so excited because you’re because your balls will be one degree warmer it’s just they speak with other than putting like cucumbers on their eyes at night like they’re just living longer they’re just want to be pretty like they just they want to like like like beat they want to be kept in a cooler room hair because it makes him eat last
yoga or whatever when you’re developing like your first cells are you’re so mean you aren’t you are a 3D printer that refuses to this the species is like I’m not going to use toner on a 3D printer that doesn’t have a toner light light because the whole point is making more shit and I imagine like for all the things that can go wrong in the womb and injuring like the the gestation of from blastocyst to viable fetus you know we we we we raised a whole room full of us experience in the Glorious variations that can occurred throughout that development many of them totally precluding an active chance at reproduction the button but nature is like totally willing to lay those bets but if you if you were like in the womb and it was like something fucked with the whole point of it it would likely but
price shut that down a thousand times more often second of waste a penny on you your balls your sperm are down in your balls wagging the dog of your whole life there just like I get a nice 95�� A little dicks temperature will decide whether it’s male or female alligators do it that way that I had two alligators just bid their eggs the temperature of them like I’ve been to Florida
I get get the alligators have that which is the temperature determines gender of the person I don’t get that at all in the intricate a shotgun that is playing like weird fire isn’t it like two big alligators have their gender determination plugged into a black dreckly into the environment like I said that that seemed there their and they’re prehistoric they’ve been around forever
so probably like everything is just kind of an experiment like there’s nothing that they take their sperm or egg and they put it in nature is so nature is alligators balls
but alligators
alligators do have $5 to get that tattooed
that’s how much I believe in that statement
alligators have tests but they’re located on the inside of the alligator which is a natural place you put your test but those sperm within with half dead they would they would live to half their age and they would feel so imagine the futility
imagine being ass / I mean they have a right you know till like foot live there. I’m life how dare away so it’s not money that I made I made my employees look into this today
it when you have a writer’s assistant it just becomes so it’s so much better than Googling I guess it you feel like you have like this legitimacy and I got balls are dangling bro
where to write an episode about it
cheap tzumi
come on ladies talk about balls with your boss I’ve learned nothing
that just occurred to me I don’t know
how come balls are dangling is a great Google search string I think I’ll learn something and I’ll go wow that’s simultaneously uplifting and down trotting like that happening you as you get older cuz it’s like you’re more tasting the sublime qualities of the universe and you’re kind of like oh that’s an interesting story but you don’t get us fired up about
did the good guys win or lose you’re just kind of like there’s another one of those stories and you kind of like start getting off on the equilibrium of it and I don’t know who I’m rooting for in that story will give me a give me a boy cheese and I don’t know us for instance I for cry I don’t remember it doesn’t matter I got high as our guest is related to being high
email thing called dope State Fair with my studio starburns hell yeah he did and he’s our new friend are you out there are you back there game I guess it’s out there please welcome your new friend game Sunday to the song
anywhere you like but I think okay so first question where’d you get that outfit I need it this is that’s great I bought rubs the other day and this is like an upgrade of that do you want to talk on the only one that’s on the base but they make them aware that so you look like you kind of fit in a great man you find yourself when you do you ever get to high that question first have solutely I’m on very set I have a very precarious relationship with Mario at me like I don’t I don’t I can’t I do crave it because
my it’s what I made a show about weed it’s like a mockumentary comedy series
yeah I’m uncomfortable understood with the old guys meant when they said I can’t smoke pot anymore I get paranoid and I never knew I was like
that sounds fun like what you did it you if you take a drug that makes you think people are out to get you
because nobody’s ever been out to get you when you’re 20 and so you’re like that sounds like a pill I take using you and I speak for yourself sometime in my thirties I just I had that first like I got too high and I shouldn’t because I’m 30 and then I have rent due tomorrow and like the hyena street that I think that’s what I think that’s what people mean when they talk about paranoid I think marijuana shows us things that we need to be attentive and pay attention to you know it’s like fat got to call my dad back it’s been a few weeks and fuck I got to check the thing and like this doesn’t feel good like what’s here is this like the longer is this like the liver like I got to go do you know how you start getting your head about that and I really do feel like pot is a thing that points out things you need to be attentive to and part of like one of the reason we’re I think paranoia and uncomfortableness comes from his like people
maybe need to just check in with like breathing and just being in their moment blah blah but yet to answer your question most times I smoke weed I’m like fuk I always forget this part where I smoke and then I’m here again you know it’s like oh okay now I’m in that place how long is this going to say I travel with a lot of trouble with and he doesn’t like to fly and he takes his little tight like really really low dosage mints that are we d’you know what kind of edible mints weedies wheat he’s like I told you so. He gave me when you’re asleep I took it and I was fucking freaking out
and until it bleed cuz I needed to be rooted in like reality like I’m a bit my hand until I forgot in the crowd who is like
strawberry jam and like and I would say that like most of the times whenever I’ve been in like a because I made a weed show which by the way makes it very difficult to sell your show because Broad City they can smoke weed all day but they won’t settle commercials to a we thing anywhere that’s all. Everything the thing about weed is like if you’re in a weed show and you go to it like a serious meeting or like a blah blah it’s always like oh we’re at weed cuz you’re the fucking week at but you like being really high really really high right now and I do it just becomes a thing that is so normal eyes but I’m still not I have a very hit love-hate relationship with pot I think it’s a really fucking heavy drug user hey guys be respected I understand fashion when I’m high
I put on I I smoke I smoke a doobie and then I’m like yo I need long pants what’s going on I mean I mean it’s true it’s not that man if it’s like that a thing of like it’s the changing what you’re paying attention to which never occurred to me it’s exactly what it does to your doing well if you’re in a good space it could be like your girlfriend’s bra strap or the fact that you need to breathe like but in a good way that’s a bad one item list cuz now you’re just pretty pervy guy that’s like
Twitchy with the chicks I just I just I just think I’ve I became a Dazed and Confused character with I’ve never seen the movie but I saw the trailer and like I just I’m so high and then I like right now this is paranoia that the boys going like look at you look at you what would listen to yourself are you listening to yourself in front of me I think they’re going to ridicule me for being high and poked fun at me and well I’m here to tell you it’s a you’ll live here like what do it but it truly is it’s funny I was not always like over Mortgage in today I’ve got a hunch the spotted leopard next Wednesday I’m trying to make up an anxiety anxiety is number one missed mortgage and then I went straight to mythical creature hunting guess I’ve never had to worry about anyting
play shoes or you know not enjoy total fucking psychic hegemony over all creatures great and small to the point where I have to create my own crises so that I can feel valuable but I can feel the tension of me pushing up against failure otherwise I don’t know if I’m alive I would be staring at you being like that a big the funny thing got it I got it all right so tell us about dope State yeah thank you for saying Yeah Yeah from Jeff unroot it on here couple years and it’s a mockumentary set in the Cannabis culture boom in California and I played a handful of characters dab girls daddy’s dealer do you play a dealer in it and then we’re surrounded by a lot of coming
names of most of which are in the star Burns basically some degree kind of passing through and showing everything from like Silicon Valley culture to the people getting pushed out of the industry which is what I grew up around you know Growers and dealers who are now getting pushed out because of dispensaries in all that so this first season 6 episodes on Pluto TV and it really focuses on the old school pot game that’s being like completely decimated by big the big cannabis boom right now Pluto TV free TV on Pluto Pluto TV channels on Pluto TV do you get on your phone and then channel420 is the is the Wildcat the we Channel a couple days ago Cody inform me was the your last chance to get married and have your 50th Anniversary Beyond 42069 now
and we were like we are reaching for the keys I got our way to city hall and then do you like can you imagine trying to get that last 50 years from now to explain calendars a fucking hologram of Pokemon let’s just play coming through my age because no one’s real anymore like there is no people either way if there’s people 50 years from now I quit I quit
sorry I cut you off of marijuana legalization in decriminalization and obviously in California we chose legalization and that opens the door for big businesses to steal all the businesses of honest drug dealers without you know preventing drug dealers to sell a product medicine people do it but you know they’re just taking all the business from all these these Earnest hard-working folk that have been fulfilling a need then getting arrested for it which is bad and obviously they’re not I don’t even know why I have to ask this out loud but bread because there’s probably some discussion about it why am I explaining why you ask questions High
cinematic mode in a hotel as soon as it goes to sleep every inch counts as two people that built the Belfry why’d you put that cross up there if it wasn’t to beat the church across the street you know in this arms race for God’s grace know this is good this is good it’s a legalization is basically ask what why is our past legalization supposed to call the police
mixed right now cuz I’m experiencing the other side of the pot thing like if you having a little bit of like uncomfort I was really high yesterday at the Renaissance Fair Queen deliver another ring George RR Martin was hit a little stinky dragon on his shoulder like buying is Max but I’m a lackadaisical lethargica of like the mind of like bad was the I got something to say about that and then it’s like like someone pressing against my forehead just like setting me back like that’s what I guess that’s the negative side effects for weed for me is like is like that I hate the weed hangover
paranoia and panic attacks lately I was in line because it if you going to have a heart attack you want to be the first to know that I mean no one else is there any more movies you know like a bombshell goes off nearby the person and they have to bring in their ears and again hear anything that was happening then I was like wait that doesn’t happen in real life that the movie thing I’m dying nice where I was going to mention that like in and then I thought don’t bring that up like that’s not that’s a subjective experience for you but it’s interesting you brought that yeah cuz you probably heard people say I get panic attacks and I never looked up with a panic attack was and I was like yeah I freaked out all the time what but like no panic attack is like a medical thing where it feels like you’re having a heart attack or whatever it’s terrifying
and that’s been happening it’s no good I’ve been trying for 20 but I haven’t really smoke the last couple weeks I don’t I don’t think I can keep smoking do you think gentleman for the panel yes
do you think that that is a function of biology chemicals or anything or is that more psychology your your life changing and getting getting high having the same effect on you that you’re you’re parsing it differently because you your your life is change you sleep two different side effects than short-term we do so after you’ve been doing it for several years I can actually affect you psychologically differently then the first seven years or something so it might just be like late we when did we become such squares I mean I think it’s pretty common for people as they get older to be late I was really into weed and then now I’m feeling like all those negative things and I’ve got no time for it by like it it does yeah it has especially being recently like doing promotion and all this for this and like I’m interested in this scene of like a weed like
the fucking thing for everything and I like it’s still it’s still a pretty intense drug that thrown into it’s just not all the heal all and all and I think it’s more of that it’s got this Collective excitement behind it which is wonderful like I love that but it’s also like I know you can’t you can’t throw it into any mental situation you know and especially like Edibles like I think I want a day where you can pick out the thing for the airport cuz like I’ll get my mom would hate that I would tell my mom would not like that I would tell the story because she still there still a little shame to my family between we put my mom she doesn’t smoke but she wanted to like make it for her kid and his friend and so my adorable 72 year old mother everyone she was cooking it to make us diesel Spaceballs and when you cook THC Spaceball Spaceballs like a little thing like like this bag and you put
cake I’ve heard of it but he’s coming but what she didn’t know is that when you cook it into oil that’s that psycho psycho activate Go activate the weed and then it’s a science word navigate to the psychoactive properties of weed is not really turned on unless it’s heat activated from what I know and when you put that in to spoil and cook it it’s it’s hot it’s ready and my mom then without gloves started making these little space cakes with like so I got a I got a call from my sister I’m in a wedding and I got to go I got to come home mom is like
Discovery whatever and I come home and my mom had ingested like an ounce of pot and she was she was puking she was freaking out watching my mother you know go through like a bad trip which was you know it was she was so scared and I sat with her and she was a Gabe’s home Gabe gay best friend shit you know and I like and I can’t she was like grabbing for me she’s like I can’t look it’s too bright and every time she’d open her eyes and then she said Redemption come out yet and she and she like grab me in like help me in like held my hand and she was like shaking and I was like eight times you’re the fucking highest person ever seen and end it was legit it was topical it was like it when a door
and she didn’t smoke any of it and then it got awesome because I sat with her we did like Tech behind like breathing shit and like I leaned in her ear and I was like breathe in breathe out remember that’s out there for 2 hours and pretty soon my mom was like we’re spinning to the last game and you’re with me and it’s us and we’re spinning to the left to the left now yeah, he’s so relaxed just now I recorded it she was like listen to what I’m saying to you and never forget back into the left and he was like it everybody from the family out here right now so we all come out at my dad’s there might add who is no idea how to handle this shit he’s like honey your kids love you my mom’s like spell it
don’t talk to me about anyting like it was like it was coming up and I was like Mom Jesus Lord like you don’t like fucking get it so we ended up holding hands and like and like I was crying as she was crying and I like
and and to what extent I get the feeling I think from talking to you before I kind of hope I’m wrong that your parents are kind of you know the front side of this this box your parents aren’t like principles in a Pringles commercial they’re they’re your parents were hippies Ryan this is Mike Pence yeah I am but my dad was and then my dad was like yeah he just was uncomfortable about the whole thing but I still say to anybody listening you know with the whole normalization of should we got to catch up with this crap you fucking can’t cook your weed and touch it with your hands like that must be happening I don’t know for tomorrow
I went to the track today and I like that color of your jumpsuit like a green button and I did hit it I would have put it in the thing that I made I made cookies out of it and I thought I’m going to I’m going to take a half a cookie give it like a few hours out. Let’s do the Baseline control group seems to see you and I was dating a check at the time and she came over and we’re going to go out and do something but I forgot all about it that I taken it wasn’t like tripping you know you like crazy and she’s sitting on my couch and she’s like Jeff
Jeff snap out of a translator standing looking at the window for 10 minutes and I took two and went to Sue’s a bad idea to the movie Coraline
don’t say it’s bad idea
3 by 2/3 of a special dimensional commission and somebody else like so freaked out I was so paranoid I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t do the 3D think they were flying into my head if it was all the Coraline demons and monsters and shit coming at me I took the glasses off that’s worth cuz now it’s all blurry
my head in my hands are quite right in the middle and it was so dark in there and the ArcLight Hollywood movie theater black quality black it brings out the silver in the nitrate behind the film if I try to get up and walk out there I’m going to I’m going to fall over everybody and I’m going to break my neck and make a fool of myself with my head in my hands but they were in the movie for the people next to me so I checked it out and I don’t remember anything about that move except my own so just freaked out and
when our separate ways. I think we all met there and like I got to calm down towards the end and the next day I called up those guys who I was with and I said hey I’m sorry like I was packing high and I was too man talk about it man of all the nights to roll with the Coraline intensive crew a lady supposed to be totally intense about watching Coraline in this group and you were all just High
if you know where I live here when you go through my trash can when is trash day Thursday
what’s a good cold open to your next story visit is that what that is
I like the hash browns and scrambled eggs and I lost my keys you should go to the drawing them in and he’s a he’s a little, my drug dealer and just be a drug dealer he brought over drugs and I paid him money for them he had money and then I had drugs and know some of them are in the trash can
friends that has drugs when your friends have money and want drugs or a drug dealer man he gave me a text saying as he gives me mushrooms sometimes in the I do you give me some acid when some nut I took it too late and I fell asleep. Sleep on acid that’s the worst
what happens when you sleep on the couch asleep on the couch not to demonic bite without the acid and Jill Grey’s face pops up in the first-team defense and great and I’m still really going and you’re you’re inside this crazy
like Fireball let me dream that’s inside your eyelids a Champagne Supernova by plant me somewhere you close you tripping with your eyes closed half asleep it was it I I don’t I don’t recommend that it anyway cuz I got these chocolate bar little tiny ones that are rapping the red foil their kind of a square around it on the top it looked exactly like that like professional rapping Dove chocolates and Tuesdays are mushroom and a little marijuana bring the ice and such
this show is tragically brought to you by alcohol
check out Simply being a very tight turtleneck looking like a looking like a DVD TV you can get the app where you can go to Pluto. TV / get the app and go to channel 4:20 every Friday for the next five weeks every Friday at 4:20 you can see the new episode of subside and then at the end of that it’ll be on all the all the VOD ports and such and and our promos will be Jeff Davis thing and cabarets of your room that’s that’s that’s what’s an ollie that’s not that’s not that’s not the back and I want to see if I wanted to take acid I take acid I still see the commercials for it and then he’s like
no I won’t do it if I pick my I’m already scared of Life parents took me to the Music Center or only shows you will not live with my parents and I was sitting there at like 7 years old 6 years old and it’s it’s about Nazis and like this really isn’t for me like I don’t know what any of it meant and that I’ve ever thinking the people sitting near me they’re going to be like this car. It went to ladies the song about menajahtwa
can I buy the chocolates and I take the chocolate and I thought it ended because it happens but then the weed comes in the edible think you were on acid end end part on Mike you weed fucks mayhap I get way too affected by marijuana and I can get down but I you’re still cool yeah I’m still cool if you still got it I got distracted by the night but I can help you with that story I’m kind of like a Hollywood between projects that failed at all the other ones then so
this is Dan. I just want to put my hat in the ring all right finding the okay
cuz I didn’t want to I’m not I’m not going to interrupt the flow now I know I’m not a flow interrupter or are you telling me that I’m somehow able to reverse project shaming fiction you said and turn it into me feeling bad about myself I mean I’d be out there fighting crime right now
because who wouldn’t want that power
reverse projecting shame I could find shame in I never thought about trying to use it for good I will find shame in anyting
okay it’s not a challenge this this this area rug beneath your feet of the fact that I don’t know any enough about carpet and that the last time I was in like a Nike I saw like a a rack of rugs and I and I was like maybe I need a rug and then I was like I don’t know anything about rugs and kind of ran away from the late late and I was like 25 and I was in an Ikea that’s a time to just grab a rugged Man like I fucking missed my life
because I didn’t want to buy a rug wrong that’s fucking sick

what do I do when my mother told me that I was the only person that mattered to her and then and she was coming out of a a drug trip we got through together and we sang and cried together
I know I wish that you had pursued architecture
and you walked out in the front line and you heard a single gunshot and and a church bell
it wasn’t even a church on Sunday I think I did say it. Just play the the the heart of man I’d like to the community writers room there was a remember the episode where Robin Thicke’s the class taught by the guy who’s going to teach you who was the boss and I’ve been finishes with the guy like he beats him he figures out who the boss was and and he why he walks out of the class have been bested his his teacher and we have him walking across the quad and you hear the bells but then you guys are here just hear this single gunshot
there’s a shot of the substantive lowski in the episodes that I have receipts for this because I’m opening a drawer and looking at like what was really happening like that was a Wii switch that out that was me and Chris McKenna like going like what we got to put something in the drawer that it was going to be a gun and I think there’s a fight the book or something right pushes a gun at boys that wouldn’t even fly today but the guns aren’t even funny like it it wouldn’t even be I think it would have been awesome but anyway but we were
I really like like like struggling with that I was like you can’t a guy pitched it and everyone was like you got to do that with having a quiet and you just hear it doesn’t turn his head piece stops
IT pauses and then keeps locking does it isn’t that happen though I couldn’t feel like there’s no gunshot but doesn’t he I thought King and then he stopped but there’s just you don’t hear gunshots how can I turn that into shape I mean I don’t I don’t I don’t have a healthy relationship with my mother and that’s like that’s easy like I like it how can you take this beautiful thing and turn it turn it upside-down smile and happy being a fucking Barbarian of Shame by using brute like happiness inversion very simple oh you were happy well I should have been
John
but at rainbows pretty I’m not that’s a shame 101 I mean fucking I want to say challenge me but I’m afraid you’ll challenge me and I’ll look like a horrible person because I should look like that I’m a monster what about the moon landing I feel bad that the podcast isn’t about going to the Moon anymore nice wow
you can’t just leave well enough alone you’re going to over think you’re a moving Target with a gun to your head no one cares stop moving or Put the gun down so get which streaming media do you think that
with no more Nielsen’s my account when we reach the use of a point about that but the service that we’re on Pluto does anybody here have Pluto Pluto TV be lying is why I don’t I don’t know if you’re in Los Angeles or New York and it’s like three TV and it’s like the next generation of entertainment you do all that and you go on it and it looked and it looks just like cable write it like it like it you scan through and it’s got commercials and so it’s like oh that’s the system is like commercial it’s free TV cuz you’ve got commercials so I think that’s the next step is like that we just cycling back to where we were
yeah yeah well it would only be like the old days if the media providers somehow merged into the cell are only three of them the internet
is it all original content of that good now it’s a good mix you can watch like America’s Most Wanted and then you can go see like anywhere to film like they’ve got like a pretty interesting they got like a pretty interesting later thanks and channels are like you know like weed or slow motion or like animals or whatever like I’m kind of videos or yeah yeah yeah that means no way I could have been that way better if I brought it up the commercials are a slow learner there on your advocacy of slow it just seems cool
restaurant with Matt Gourley on shot shop to you drop everyone confuses it was Supermarket Sweep let me know yeah but you’re going to love to Upstate it’s nothing like either one of them it was shot 20 years later and I heard her individuate yes yes yes right
I mean it makes sense that you’d maybe be a kind of sore right of like shopping and I need my schedule interview uiia shopping in person if you don’t have to if you don’t want to
no Danielle everybody
oh God I just had to be funny
play Jeff Williams leans toward bringing people out he’s like he’d he’d he’s he’s eating those it can lead to Magic what show brought you here that you spent two years of your life making how did you earn your way to this how do you earn
Dave
we don’t get jealous do you sweet I sweep so hard what’s what’s your title at the supermarket if I can ask so you’re it. You’re in charge of all the employees like like late with a nav computer it’s HR when I’m not working hard enough or do you just get your who they send in when they get fired right here you’re the fire person in the hiring and firing person and throwing a tantrum in the store manager actually does his way just sit there and just yes
Sky knows about it fire someone at this establishment today is it like is there a ritual to it you have to you have to make sure it’s legit reason
no no no no people do that all the time I I’ve accepted it as a dynamic of the stage it’s no one’s fault
give me Grace got to be like by the but like I was fired for Baskin-Robbins Togo’s Baskin-Robbins because I was I was taking too many samples for myself so I still I still ice cream or whatever is it ever feel like you’re being pushed to like put someone in a box like oh they’re not allowed to do this specific thing so they were like doing it like you know it has to be by the book right do you really stupid people in that book you know what I mean would you admit to that I Spy
cuz they take stoneywood send a lawyer every year on a Sony show they sent a lawyer to like give you a talk about like what’s constitutional and what’s not and stuff but it’s it’s weird cuz it’s coming from their perspective cuz it’s like about what’s going to protect them because you don’t see any higher than them so if someone sues me and then they it but there’s not it’s not worth it but this best interest in like explaining what when it’s okay to fire someone and when it’s not what I find fascinating is it like of course you can’t fire someone because of their of the school list constitutionally-protected attribute but you up you you can’t fire someone because you don’t like the look of their face but you do it
did you just have to specify right you just have to be like yeah I don’t I don’t like them I don’t like their personality isn’t it true like you don’t need like a good reason to fire someone there’s just like a category of reasons that are illegal stealing or
stealing a thing
American Plains enough we have to let them go back you can’t fire someone cuz you don’t like the look of their face and which is based on what like where did you go
scenarios were there like so until wants to fire so and so but it was sort of like like what is it going to say here’s what you say if you want to fire them but they’re kind of like is this guy firing her for like why are there gingers known what do you think about how to fire women did one of the things that they like if they smoke weed of being intoxicated or high but if we smell and we can be like hey like what if they admit to it then we can fire them
no but technically perfectly bearded man with a hat. Mad about the week and you admit to it but we can fire you if you ever if you ever like hey. With me
just be cool and you’re like well two things you need to know that’s not cool and the hats always on
your ass if you’re out of here fucking they smell like weed and she’s me are you intoxicated on the marijuana is Niger snowman Edition for a job at a children’s museum exhibit with Sean McKenna and I don’t think I’ve ever told this story that’s why I’m excited cuz I’m so deeply ashamed of it that I went with my living the life of like I used most of my paycheck to buy weed and I’m just pretending to buy gas to get to do more shows and I’m just kind of live in the fucking free panic attack life it’s great
hurry up and remember why you interrupted every one of your fucking packed my make my buddy Jay Sean was like we were his roommate I lived in his attic will it when I was at the peak of that phase and there was like he was he and I were like in the category of like well then you can have lots of shows cuz you’re the only one is guaranteed to be home when we call like everyone else is trying to be an adult so like you guys are really dedicated to straight up and like I think that we eat and I never talked about it but afterward because I think we both really didn’t we didn’t want to face this but like we I remember we got this opportunity through some mutual friends advice or like they’re like hey they’re adding this thing at the Museum in the children’s Wing like they want to do these like, fucking what’s his name boat
all night trying to think like facing the popularity at that time of like a scientist when I add like live shows did you like a Beekman thing or something at this thing and it’s open auditions in making Sean went and we have we talked about it for a while and we were like well let’s do this and that we came up with an audition and we went in or like I was thinking in my head like like like me and I know you never know which of these little Stepping Stones is going to be the thing you look back on you go will I used to just play Resident Evil and then like all the sudden I bought my first I said what’s that thing that’s going to happen and it just felt like I might be one of those which makes you sound scared cuz it makes me somebody playing in bishan was going to die just like grow up and I I remember like hanging there like four people in this like Auditorium watching and I knew three of them because they’re a bit so as I think Milwaukee and but this is how you move forward and
I’m ready let’s do this and like like this here’s what I do it’s just like Stan audition I’m there will be a script like this is our style and Sean and I played off each other and we all right well thank you all right see you later went home like a day later than what are the people that work at the Museum is like hey you guys like your audition was great like they loved you guys not as amazing as that you get that you guys are so funny you reach so bad of marijuana
there was just a cloud of pot and booze around you everywhere you went and everyone was like could smell it and was all how hilarious is this that they’re auditioning to teach children science and they smell like a fucking child ruin her I like both just laughing about it going to smell like weed and that’s why the systems not ready for us but a little inside I was like you that was probably your last chance ever to do anything with your life anyways so in the room for these firings like ugly stuff and freak out
feeling they meant to stealing or even if you admit to it you can’t claim unemployment or do anything cuz you admitted to it so I always get the emails from the lawyers being like hey why did you fire this person like they admitted to stealing or they admitted to being drunk or high and they don’t get like I don’t understand why I didn’t get unemployment because you admitted to just doing all these wrong thing if you are a liar you man you needed to be a more dishonest person in the fiber of your being friends with my loss prevention guy so he always tells me like if you ever get caught just deny it damn I feel like I’m going to be able to work with you
physicals for insurance when you’re going to be involved in a TV production and everyone is like don’t ya don’t tell him the truth they’re like it’s not I know you got the story about it is that they’re mad at you if you tell the truth you’re going to cause everybody a bunch of trouble I think that’s why I never worked for that for that company again like I said I think I had a black mark on me for just tell me like it is it is it is crazy to me really
easy to me maybe I’ll talk about this when I was a big shoplifter in like college I used to steal anything just for no reason and I used I still book so I can Barnes & Noble another company
courses around when I was in college and do it with a friend of mine used to work there and he said if you if you steal anything even if they think or know that you’re walking out of the store with something we are not allowed to follow yeah they could call the cops and the cops don’t know who you are and the cops don’t care books off the shelf taking a walk out of the store if they are not allowed to come out and get you I can’t touch you either you’re kidding opposite of what I was thinking would be the case that they can’t do anything to you in the store and they have to wait for you to leave it with my mom and I better learn that from a movie that used to terrorize students loss prevention go out and confront you and if you say no they can’t touch you they can’t make you come back in the store and that’s it
do you say I went through a shoplifting phase when I was like 22 and I got really into going to the Gelson’s in Tarzana and I would go walk in and I’ll go to the little cookie area I like the cookies and treats right and I’d like buy an iced tea so I bought something and then I’d go and get like baguettes and Sushi and butternut squash soup and I put it in the bag and I’d come sit with these like old War veterans that used to hang out at the gelsons and Tarzan at lunch and I like stories like that I told him my name was something else in like I would sit there and eat and my name is John Claude
that’s in the valley and needed something in my day to do that and and and and one time they brought and I did it for like a couple weeks and became like a thing and then Gelson’s got an undercover guy and I was sitting there eating my Sushi and cops rolled up on me and arrested me in front of my War veteran friends
it was because I stole over $30 worth of stuff so it was an arrestable offense and annia and they and they like hauled me away to the Van Nuys jail which is like one of the worst there is awful and if I was in the cop car and I was being a little dick that the the cop was like you so why did you do this I was like
ain’t going to let you know the cops going to fucking love it I got a Hollywood guy in the back seat I love those that’s why I became a cop he drops me off and immediately I understood what the repercussions I thought I was going to get like booked at the thing and they write me a thing and he dropped me off at the jail in the last thing I turned back to him and he’s like a good luck with that little research project there buddy
original Egg & I go down so I’m in there and I’m the lady is not good thing is she’s like so what you know am I telling me to be here soon as it was Friday since Monday is Martin Luther King day so I can do Tuesday Wednesday and I think I started crying and then and then they somehow got me out
what is a privilege in the previous exactly what the lady said to me she walked by me I was standing at the glass just TV and they’re like sports and shyt what weight was for my little sweetheart was like I just like what you did and I don’t know why I’m here and I sold it I stole the jail pants and that was the last thing I ever sold
I want a book in that with my mom does not want people to know that she was doing it was like okay Marin County like I don’t think there could be anything wrong like everybody’s growing it
our hello what’s your name
Souplantation get got forgot Nova Nova Souplantation you walk in you start with a salad bar that is a salad bar you bring your trash in your plate up to a cash register and then be on the cash register after you paid it’s it’s all such as hot stuff and cookies and brownies and I guess you can cross from continent after you sat down and had a receipt and I like I went to USC and storage of everything that’s enough from the commissary there will come a booty call it the place with the food and I’m just kind of like a point like I’m meeting a friend or whatever like I’m not eating I’m just coming into it with a paddle or whatever and they didn’t you didn’t have the the iconic tray with a salad on it you didn’t
care about you so I would just go in there and I would find a table that somebody had left and there was still plates on and I would just sit there and read and then after 5 minutes I look like the guy that would like to Mormon tea in lifestyle then I will go up there and eat like crazy and then I will get to see why they could join you wanting to go but we just made a fresh batch of pizza is there to three times a week I kept doing it and once you get past the cash register all the servers and bus people and the people that are serving the food and whatnot they they don’t care if it did they assume is that you paid because you wouldn’t be able to be there I went there so often they knew my name and they would like it.
Tom Hanks movie early thousands you helped deliver a baby at one point I actually I stopped going because I felt bad because they liked me that I didn’t I didn’t want them to be friends like gives you the punches your soup card we’re going to the beach and I stoled like a $2 thing of like a little pack of salami and cheese and I just turn around and check it and make sure it’s like I always did and hand grabs me and it’s just a dude that was shopping there
and because I saw you do that at me and I’m apprehended and ago we saw you steal that I’m at what and that they dragged me off to the back room to the office and I’m just like the shorts and a t-shirt and sandals whatever like we’re all going to the beach I believe I had dreadlocks of this time hell yeah yeah cuz I was fuckingawesome kactusbunch oh yeah I was a good kid I got the grape
so I thought you just accept the ring me $2 salami and cheese on the desk in a box and I didn’t say that I said I didn’t leave the store there’s no crime has been committed
you’re allowed to put salami in your pocket your salami and cheese down my shorts and I didn’t walk out with it that you have a thing and no I didn’t commit a crime I haven’t left the store that was a weird fucking that burglary thing was hummingbird like and it’s beak shape it was like I knew a lot of the shoplifting kind of want to arrest me and since you’re off duty it’s a Saturday afternoon and I don’t think you’re going to get any of your buddies to come down here and pick a 17 year old up for $2 as long as she’s in the shorts
get him on the phone and see if you can get someone down here right now cuz I have no idea what’s going on and then we can call your parents my mom passed away
oh yeah it was a street fight at this point
look you punched him into a trash can it has a lid they work like Frisbees
my dad would not have been fucking happy about this obviously will call your dad I said he was it was it was a phone number and I made up a phone number and just pray that God does not everybody had an answering machine and not everybody had you know there’s no cell phones and ship phones weren’t people exactly they were devices that were left at home and if we going to release you to send me that serve all you can call my brother I’m not giving you his number and then why
and usually I could have done that at any time but like
the ever-loving shit out of me and my brother love each other he got caught stealing at the Ralphs on Olympic Boulevard and so my brother comes in and he’s a little Atticus Atticus you fucking asshole
you weren’t you were 17 the year hero
the writer kind of I stop feeling when I was 18 I would turn into hot water and a sandwich in your hair on your head just get Natty and like I said just kidding. I posted a photo of my my my sing of your ID and I have kind of shity dreadlocks in my face I almost had dreadlocks from like not washing it when I was in the Dominican Republic when I was like a kid hair yeah it’s really thick and it was long so it just started reading up my mom was really mad and everyone’s making one I got to get it in the record in case I’m right it’s it worth it if I’m wrong who cares but like I just keep going like come on I’m so convincing all of my predictions that I don’t want to give any of them because
spoilers everybody feels like there’s absolutely no way Lord tarly on the throne I’m like you mean the fat writer character
that just has everything go his way because his dad was wrong when he says you should be less fat and you should like writing less you don’t think that you have you noticed that fucking foot pedal jamming during the day gets fucking everything he wants and he’s always right I think the finale of Charlie likes his ass he’s going to like look at the camera and be like
play league fucking happy birthday fucking bullies the new library Philadelphia hours at least but I guess he’s different from the Game of Thrones writers to cuz they’re to the last two seasons are them just go again making their own show right yeah I think Game of Thrones last episode I haven’t been able to find a podcast that wanted to talk about Game of Thrones has been a real Game of Thrones info desert any episode this season could create an oasis for me to quench my thirst
I haven’t seen it and I would guess hand of the king for him it’s my guess the first to these first episode like catch up soon
and she got the same thing and people were posting things like what I what is Rick and Morty writers pointed out that because I haven’t seen the episode with this together and they’re telling all his stories and Gathering and like that the overall message is like listen when this might shit happens like you got to look back and just be like a goddamn no matter how it was amazing
play if I can get swept up and then then and then whatever happens next what does a monologue about storytelling I think it’s fat writer isn’t it was it was like stories I heard you play remember the st. thinking like this girls like 7 when we met her and now she’s doing this that was that that was weird 14
four more years on the dial another one the fanfic countdown clock I can’t wait till the food do Dragon Age when she has acquired the spell-casting Mana took control of that Stormtrooper oh yeah but you don’t you know you’re not caught up I’m not caught up this season I don’t want to see the inside of the watch these two episodes he wanted to venture into this conversation either
I’m fucking nailing it going to be good like he’s going to be like whatever he’s doing because it’s like yeah he’s like the author’s insert character I think he’s going to be king in the I was going to like he’s going to sit and get bran and you put wheels on the on the throne Howard’s anyting on this show for six years so anything you want to say just going to rule all starts here you go. I don’t want to that’s not my prediction but I like it all right well I can’t I really think
look up my password for giving us your predictions like a betting pool with brackets and stuff like that I don’t want it I don’t know me and my roommate my roommates actually I’m taking my roommates credit Cali but you know she she only worked a lot of this out and we definitely called Gendry before the season started call Gendry and Arya at stuff and then it was like yeah they’re sitting on the throne at the end. It is not the dose would rather it be the fat writer and it’s almost too obvious.
that’s why I said yeah so there’s one
at the end Jon Snow knows something I miss her. Wow
motherfukers back in action of having amazing dragons looks really cheap I had it was that like a big thing on the internet that I thought the first I feel like the FernGully the last rainforest might you in like they start fucking in the dragons like giving a thumbs-up I think I think I made that trip last week what are we going to be into next to have the Game of Thrones is ending and no disrespect but it’s some point Marvel has two collapsed genre are we are we going to get into film Noir are we going to get I’m going to just go into a 10-year. Of stories about Alcoholics that solve Mysteries and shouldn’t like be problematic with the girl that comes in
Dora because I just like anything super and I’m out I think the future is definitely multi-character mockumentary shows on streaming services in amongst people
speaking of which plug for the show that was a great episode on his that he needed it in for 20 and it was A5 Hour episode yeah I haven’t been in touch with him my DM was he thirsty he would bring her dirty ass yeah I was sending them some dick pics fans yeah but you have some interesting things to report when is that he’s not offended by the way we’ve been speaking he or at least he said that he he said he’s got a little. I don’t want to tell secrets but but he’s like he seems like a cool guy I will talk to him
personal growth thanks to him he has a lot of things about redirection of light is mind-blowing I want to make a Supercut of all the things he said that blew my mind because it’s really life-changing for me is how many days into your anti-pot yourself of that being a week off and before that I have been almost a week off for the past two weeks in terms of using me and we’re like arguing over who got to use my arms
she has a good dream yeah I had a dream that I had to make this awesome party like a rock concert and ask for some reason I had to make a hundred people breakfast
well catch real dreams what I just have to say then I actually have had the dream that I’ve been on harmontown and you used it you used it as the opportunity to this was my bad dream it’s like tell me what you really think I know you were telling me about May 16th
this is a good show
lumpkins is that you
I was going to I was going to move on to child-rearing that was my last topic for tonight Rick and Morty writer has an 11 year old nephew who just got an iPhone for his birthday and in his his parents check the iPhone I think I think I can every night I think it’s the ruler something so it’s like it it’s divorced parents and there is like I don’t want to add that. I think it’s too private cuz like yeah I don’t want a question like motivations of who got who what am I doing to you is anyone’s guess because we don’t have rules for these days like we don’t we don’t have any fucking old standards and 11 year old kids get an iPhone and then the Rick and Morty writer whose his uncle is getting all these texts from the 11 year old kid

got his first phone like I mean I was an idiot on Friends stir when I was 25 cuz I was like what other people named Dan we should form a club
likely to be 11:00 and all of a sudden be able to do what the fucking big people do which is stare at the fucking thing like a kid deserves a break so funny like an idiot like he wrote this response about about wandering and stuff ultimately like and I was like why wasn’t Matt returning his text an option and he and he was he was like like wool I’m in the long and short of it was like he’s like I don’t want to turn dishonest because now there’s technology that makes it possible to connect with each other I don’t have the technology to turn me into a liar it’s kind of what I’m saying like like
they have my nephew like ask me a question at 7:30 or whatever it’s so you guys how will you raise your children in this new era of Nano tron’s and micro woms
you don’t feel like it fux with your brain like I don’t think I would actually stop my kid from using a smartphone or like put an age limit on it but I would be pretty uncomfortable with the idea of like having that like that attention kind of thing I feel very addicted to my phone and I don’t like it like do you think the kids would if you’re raising a kid could like chit age and it’s like it’s sort of like like our parents my parents there is like oh let’s go to The Malt Shop because and your aunt are you going you’re going to The Malt Shop all of that fucking that idea of control over your the development of your children like how much freedom and how much power they have a hearing these stories like urban legends but actual stories of a suicide because they were talking the text
like as a guy who has no kids and it was terrified of the idea like it was one of the first things I ever did was a suicide and and I spent a bunch of time in the suicide prevention community and talking about like the young brain and it’s like this a tick addiction to immediate gratification right it’s like that’s why the suicide rates are going up among the younger people because there’s this track this addiction to like you know if I want to solve a problem I can solve it like right now if I want to contact somebody or tell somebody something or buy something I can get it right now but if I like get kicked out of my house for a fight with my break up with my boyfriend and a girlfriend or whatever you know you want that immediate gratification and I think that’s like that pavlovian dog responds that we’ve gotten of life you know of of being able to Wikipedia or whatever yeah just immediately plus we’re getting inundated with so much imagery like the average was at one of the statistics always blows my mind is the average agency hardcore pornography these days is 7 7 years old like that’s when
and it was 9 like it’s like 10 years ago or whatever
I’m confused gave it with the average age of doing what for the first time is look is so done with all that combine but yeah I think it’s pretty yeah well I mean it’s a crazy jungle and I just like what I’m curious about is like you talk to any parent and it’s always a different Adventure like they have to make their own rules on a level that I don’t think any previous generation of parent has ever and it will probably die in your time when you have like a saber-tooth tiger and you feel like that you can’t you can’t just go all do whatever your family does know you going to fucking unique situation is Parana there and there’s a dinosaur there I don’t know I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately I got really scared of technology and everything but I realized that I was really I think I was really addicted to I went on Tumblr every single day
and I quit going on Tumblr I didn’t delete my account or anything because like I’ll go back but it’s been like 3 or 4 days since I went on it at all and I quit because I realized it was I wasn’t having any like I spent a lot of alone time and I spent a lot of time in my head and I realize that instead of going to my own brain for things I was going to Tumblr for things like instead of going for to my own self for thinking of funny things or whatever or like a comment on something I’d be like what do people on Tumblr say or do about the saying or something like if I got into a TV show instead of just having all these thoughts myself I’d like search the tag on Tumblr what did everyone else say I mean that’s that’s so much less shameful then I think I recognize that about Twitter I like and kept right on jogging like I didn’t even like notice that memorable that’s bad as like I thinking tweets now I was like
what was really affecting me because also people I think in general but especially online and then especially on Tumblr people. Very negatively and I really internalize that and stuff like I got a job and then I got really sad about it because everyone talks about like I’ll have to go to work and stuff I have to get up in the morning I’m so sad but I was like I’m really happy about my job but I have like I feel like I have like other people’s thoughts in my head like all the Daily Grind I have what they say about working my head is siblings of years without even signing up for the job I think that of course you would have probably predict along with me that they would be like no I’m so stoked for you and I kind of left but it was like that yeah that the idea of its like wheat to it’s interesting so yeah I got real friends like in real life and then they’re very positive about everything you know and stuff I have enough friends in awhile if they’re not there are ways to get
proud of the fact that is like primates we are super geared towards like picking up on what I would do in this particular context to achieve praise to feel valuable to lake lake any all these things that we like to regard as like oh here’s the empirical human experience as if there’s anything empirical about a fucking monkey that that thinks a half God in like licking it looks like it’s spinning from sanctions or like running across the earth going to maybe if I had an alphabet like it’s psychosis so like there’s nothing empirical about what we go through like the except for the fact that we are that moving planchette on the Ouija board of God’s abuse all right I went a little too far as a metaphor for a Ouija board that’s dumb and also why start with the technical French term for the pointer thing in a Ouija board what are you a guy who
1987 switchboard
exactly what you said in my dream damn this is amazing I’m doing a show everyone’s doing a show and you come on here and you think you can beat that I do this and that nothing will happen everything’s going to happen and everything is nothing and the difference is a poor man’s Jews harp
playing in the darkness in a Jug Band on a he ha that’s been canceled because you’re out of the demo
I’m out of the demo I’m in the Demoman I’m the main demo will you will you will you can buy to make cuz I’m behind this is where I get done charismatically hyped I was trying to get less high as as time passes can you hold a baseball when you were like really telling the story about how you like literally you really got jail and you were like come on like someone to talk to me about this and I would like me to juggle like that’s fucking privilege and then like right after that you or the word queer came at your like put by the way that the time when the when that when that when that event
did your impression of it where you were like your life and you also said they were you projecting the image for that person of like I can’t spend Viking Martin Luther King weekend in in prison like are in jail like like an N like translated into kind of like sexuality terms a little bit even more so than
now he’s shaking his head now
everything in the sexual terms but I don’t know if I don’t I don’t know
this is this is I don’t know what you’re asking when telling the the story and then he said the word privilege were you panicked into wanting to seem like more of just a straight white young man who got out of jail for free like oh did I want a lesson like that, if that’s the reason why I said that it was a layer of it but then I was also curious in the music cuz I was like well that’s that’s you don’t you also don’t have to be not to talk about that but also going back to that part of the story I was also curious if that was like asking if you really wanted to do was call me a faget just now when you were when you were putting me in my place and tell me how cool.
is there a bar bro I like I was like cuz I was protecting myself I was like you’re too old but you’re not too old I was that’s what I was I was not connecting I didn’t I did leave from your out of the questions
that is that is the course I followed by the way that the main Center of conversation at starburns Industries most of the time is like we’ll start off in one conversation and then we’ll get it cuz it got by identifying Spears bisexual men are both and and it will always no matter what the it’s like the Dowling thing or whatever looking for water so it’s like there will be like a conversation about like Isner still putting out product
that’s interesting because you know with Dick’s and vaginas since it was perfect because I didn’t understand anything you were really saying it was completely over my head has been it all you got back to Dick’s so you want to talk about this
we went you once said you want send in the bar that you find a bisexuality to be the most highly evolved of the species and I Can’t Tell You Why
witness said that to me about like non-binary people like well that’s like evolution
I think some people aren’t to the next stage of evolution
but loss prevention I think is dumb
wife I grew up with all the ways I threw Brothers my dad and I always thought guys took their penis up when they put their pants on where does it go cuz you’re like this is how a person looks with her.
there’s always thought that guy’s just stuck their penis up when they put their butts on your waistband on it or close your legs on it so you won’t be sucked up some people do
and it ended the conversation like did you steal that DVD of Demolition Man also you know dude is like penis and interviews with guys and like where you put your penis to go to the left or right right I don’t think I could deal with that.
all I had was Game of Thrones as a ghost
cuz you know it’s not like you’re a faget you’re going to like you do you say it like you lean into the end of The Sassy side of and you can get away with them that were flat head screwdriver on Twitter of ugly like which area is a showrunner of community technically but it wasn’t like this one it was like I told this story before where my brother tweeted that he was like proud of his daughter or something like that and I tweet I responded as like bag and it was like I’m not I’m not I’m not fucking telling you that at the time that was funny I need a point in explaining that
it was like 4 for me is an individual accident by that behavior I was in a space where I thought that was absolutely fine and nnn like I remember getting kind of looks like a bunch of people going like did you just call that man a fag for loving his daughter and being outraged or a pressing it was like when you put it that way even if we are in a desert island I’m a bad brother but not to mention the fact of them people are like it was like because I remember I was doing something around my house and kind of daydreaming about the internet and how it was different pin years ago just such a weird thing because the internet supposed to be the thing that’s different about any years ago and now and then thinking back as a no
old man and going I remember when I didn’t get fired for calling my brother a fat before loving his daughter in front of everyone
then a couple people yelled at me and I said call my brother a fagg in the face and they told me about a charity and I donated to it and that’s why I am
that’s my story so I don’t know where this deposition is going what do you mean where are the monsters they’re not here I took a road called I’m not a monster every day to hear how could I be a monster
did you know the how to not be a monster guide leads you to monstrosity in the future all you have to do is not think about anything for 30 years and you’ll end up doing everything wrong it’s not fair my name is Teen Mutant does Ariel name of the person that needs to be fired or time I can’t so technically I have no power over firing make the pockets better with one firing
hint hint it’s the fucking guy
that ruins everything so I don’t know if I didn’t sign up for any of this but you seem kind of excited about a little bit pow wow
a little planning okay I didn’t see this is I’m getting scared now because this prevents right now on Whose Line Is It Anyway you can’t begin to get all the preconceived facts
Isaac just asked to say do you have any idea how many thousands of dollars of things I bought an Amazon go store of the coyote are you saying you’re going to buy us tonight you know how do you spell do you want to get fired I will guess $1,000 gift from Amazon from
everyone that came up here tonight of of mismatched USB C audio interfaces and fucking random AC adapters and all manner of of every USB cable classification of which there are forty-seven you can I’m going to I’ll bring it all next week and divvy it between you to one of you is going to have like a thing that looks like a guitar but you can buy me a Ketel One that’s cheap what did I interrupt something with you when you come to the office please
is there a landfill
that’s how it is before you give it to him mr. Harman can I call you Dan you can call me anything you want just not late for dinner
Japanese Jimmy brothers or sisters Dan what what are you doing for the holiday weekend what’s you know doing I don’t know I usually just hang it hang out at home but I never thought so the thing is that you know we’ve we’ve been a little a little light on some of the stock this week I have you been into the the bad section of the the supermarket aisle 7 Bass
dial 7 years shampoos and and you know razors and things have you you usually a stock that I’ll don’t you well we’ve we’ve been a little bit a little bit light on some of the Dove shampoo you know it was missing actually and we couldn’t account for it and you know we we know it was you Dan we know you stole two cases of Dove shampoo conditioner scented women’s Dove shampoo
I know my rights I’m not this is not a police matter. I never walked out of the store
one of our other employees I can’t tell you who they saw it in the trunk of your car they saw the the phrase that come out of my eyes cuz those are the only things video evidence of you are you asking me or are you asking me are you asking me to cook 2 to confirm that I stole property from your store just level with the I’m taking off the general manager hats in the trash even I’m not going to put it back on interest if you just told us the truth what actually makes you a general manager or not this is Danielle this is this is not your side I’m on your side
okay just admit you were wrong and we will sell this this is what the kids
wow I think I was targeted for the fucken one course when I want World in there okay you came and smelling like cannabis and we don’t appreciate that here buried the lede
well I can’t fire you for that but we have to fire me for smoking for smelling like cannabis can you
unless unless I admit I smoke cannabis
by the way she and I have been having an affair
that’s why I know all this shit I can’t I can’t admit it I can’t admit it though by the way it’s possible so you know I didn’t mean to hijack the scene
okay it’s alright this is Ralph I’m the owner of this store selling bath salts and I know it you better is a take about tuck his dick between his legs and get him the fuck out of here
all right that was all right mr. Harmon you’re fired
what what he can if he does get my unemployment though I do think bisexuals and non-binary is are the next stage of evolution
you can see he was about to admit that he stole the show
where I was I was I was I was I was jamming to what were you doing with all the peach shampoo Daniel if I did I buy the devil like makes me into shampoo and Jeremih going to get unless jail or more
no I’m no I’m not I was going cuz I think that those are also starting a bath I alright incredible young I don’t but you’re you’re an adult but you’re not a drinking adult that’s exactly where you’re at right now do you and you have absolutely every right not to answer do you have it does anything stick out to you about your exposure to hardcore pornography it’s a tasteful podcast God damn it sorry about the first time I ever saw porn it was what year did
movie Mordecai come out with Johnny Depp 2015 or 2014 or something and I really like that movie and I like the guy in it and I looked up on Google now looking for pain whatsoever just Google Images just friendly save photos I looked up blonde men with mustaches
that’s in my favorites
please tell and I took you to the weather man’s Union and I was like
alright I guess today is the day I got it cuz I don’t support the first time sometime when I clicked on the movie mortdecai came out so I think like 16 probably I need to stop asking questions cuz I thought I remembered I was curious about that cuz I was thinking about mine which I can volunteer in which won’t feel like I’ve mentioned this on the podcast before like that it was my dad had a box in his basement and that was Playboy he had a subscription to Playboy for a year of his life there was no hard drive there was no we didn’t know that foreign was infinite so like I even if you got married you would just put your all your play Boys in it I guess and put it in there was just
somehow over the years we knew you know take the 20 years you got you got me and my brother like somehow we figure it out like there’s like 17 magazines up on the top shelf in the basement somewhere that represent my dad’s you know carnal knowledge is a subscriber to being a single guy in the form of something that you couldn’t there was no internet to look at you couldn’t type in boobs the more it but where the we would hunt for crawdad crayfish we called him going to walk like crayfish they were like in this Pond where we eat till this we would go if we would ride or dirt bikes up there so it was like I want to say ten 9 or 10 and yeah it was like there was like this Creek and pond and then on the other side of these railroad tracks there was printing company and one of their clients was
Hustler and there was just this kind of General I don’t know how I don’t know by what system but it was sort of like in this weird place where you hunted for crayfish part of the magic of that area was that if you if you if you were routed around enough you were going to eventually find like weird loose muddy pages of a cast-off like misprinted pornography from the only periodical that I’m sure out of all that that printing plant probably wasn’t just it didn’t say Hustler on the top of the printing plant it was probably just a chugga chugga we turned acid in the paper or vice versa kind of like plants but like the only thing that they accomplished that made it into grubby hands but probably left and then turned into things that were amenable to the wind like where that that wouldn’t learn anything about cooking
just like you would just be a fucking money you’re like rock and you’d listen to that I think I see somebody pull it out weird toriel about a truck driver and stopping in the diner but will you will you will you show me what today’s specials are and leg and really weird all huddle around it is on like I got to spend some time growing up in the Midwest and like tornado season came through and rip down the janitors like little Shack that he had you’d like to know the love shack and the next day I made the whole thing didn’t go down but it was like partially you know messed up and the next day there was born magazines like around camp that happen to me like like hanging in a tree was the Jenny Jenny McCarthy Playboy one of her in the in the in the in the bathtub and I remember like a freaking out for a couple friends like reaching out of
and they never got polio that sounds more rustic furniture with a king and I I was at this point 10 years old and we were supposed to hotels every 3 weeks across the country and we were like 60 Louis in Cincinnati or somewhere
like I found something under the bed or or maybe one of the other kids in the in the show found something under their hotel room bed and it was a porn mag a pretty hardcore stuff and it was all black people if I can have any kind of Vino’s thing it was really wild and I’ve never seen yes Queen
I don’t know I just smoked I try to stay relevant all right
but what is that what it what is Matt and then what’s that white stuff and what and what the fuck is going on with you we would like to check that it was a hustler the answer was no that’s a problem I think that I’ll find the foreign before you ever had the talk or after I can’t remember the talk I’ve told the story before on my back I said but I think my mom in a pretty early age and I think with the best of intentions like did say this line to me that I never forgot which was like do you know how babies get made then I was like I don’t know like I really don’t remember how old I was but I remember my comedy sketch from 2009 Lake to Lake Maitland I’d starting to realize that would have put my parents through as an adult in the retelling of their fucking foibles when they were children having children but like I remember
my mom saying like at the man’s the man sees a naked lady and his and his penis stands up and starts a dance around and it shoots white stuff out of it
is around and there’s no contact in that store to buy play the birds-and-bees Talk that I got but a night but I do think I learned about sex from pourin I mean I could see that the grown-ups in the porn movies that we could see my dad at VHS tapes and we were seeing is Hustler magazines we could see that one thing that correlates to the thing that we know that makes boys as they going in there like we can see it going in there but it’s still countless debates about is that like what’s that stuff with that stuff was left up there looking for it that’s the other thing is like only kid needs to Google like the word boy or girl or man woman whatever and like that stuff just appears like I’m at the yeah I mean I think that’s a whole other like mine said which is like I was at I was right on the cusp I’m right at the the age where I was still like looking at National Geographics for boobies and such
and hoping for a wee wee but they never had the wee wees by like I was like literally like the last generation who had right before it will I crossed over and I would like actively like look for it but if it just like it’s thrown in your face that the whole thing right are we like having sex last now that’s like the thing right now I know why it ain’t got nothing like like oh my God like what a fucking contract like for the rest of your life will there’s a there’s a lot of people saying which makes sense that is so crazy and it’s all the stuff and then you could have it like Anytime Anyplace and so you can see it and so then and they do you could watch like more and more hardcore stuff that maybe you never got the opportunity to do in real life so you get like you know how over stimulated by bats than real sex is like boring to people
do that just because I remember being a very sexually like non-functional person and and reading that stuff and like really letting it add to my shame is that what I was reading was that late it was like a self-fulfilling prophecy was like well what do you expect all you do is jerk off all over the Internet of course now you’re becoming Golem because you because you don’t like what are you going to do except hang out in like polish your ring in a fucking cave even though it’s the one place you don’t need to be visible you eat fish all day cares who sees you but I did I do want to counter that just a little bit because remember him the amount of shame that that made me feel and the amount of true that that wasn’t necessarily I do absolutely think that people online that are like you know I’m I’m I’m touching myself so much that like I it’s just it’s a dysfunction of course that’s why I’m not this or that and I like like it just it just
it makes me want to burst into tears thinking about that I just want to say that like being being with someone that you can trust like feeling that you have permission to be who you are and it erases everything it’s not it’s just it it’s it’s done and done you’re not damaging Yourself by indulging yourself you’re not you’re you’re you’re you’re not a fucking like phone battery that you can run out you’re not you’re not you’re not you’re not a product to your if your if you if you if you’re isolated and alienated and numb and like like however we are dealing with a deal with it and your libido will be healthy soon whenever whenever it needs to be it’ll it’ll be right there like a boy
how much how much I’m coming now the kids are coming all right I’m staying at a place that’s worth its salt and and and bite by Nova drinking at in a year
drug dealer mother
I’m your comptroller Jeff Davis Dan Harmon
drive fast and take chances
thank you
Jackie got Beats
I guess not troubled by things the cat Lodge at 12 if you can speak just take like mod or toys
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