Episode
Episode: 24 – Harmoncountry: Phoenix, Arizona
Description
Mayor Harmon begins his tour feeling way more insecure than the kind-hearted heroes of a new city. A Harmontown theme with an awesome hook starts getting workshopped. In D&D, the heroes fight cylinders.
Transcript
Phoenix Arizona stand up live how are you guys doing tonight
well I have somebody good news for your harmontown isn’t session in Arizona
won’t you please help me
nope nope nope nope nope Phenix City in the goddamn world what’s he doing here what’s it is here there’s a weird thing in my ear don’t be distracted it’s a camera I’m looking at you I’m taping for you for your movie you’re going to be in my movie
find games being played with you thought you were watching me I’m watching you make a movie
forgotten audience
Phoenix
we have so much to talk about and barely any time to it to to to do it thank you for waiting if you were waiting I waited we wanted to know who you were so bad
what did you do what your name Pam your ear happy you’re happy to be here okay if you said no to it would take us down a whole different Road in the future if you guys are going to tell you come to the show again and you sit in that seat just know that the people backstage get to look at you at the side of your head for the entire head depending on your confidence like every time you get a little happy you like
they are wack of all but she and her the top of his hat right there we couldn’t tell if it was a ninja that I’m just a regular non Jamaican meth dealer I was cheese you guys make nests like
what what what what do you wear on top of your head’s at the football game says it like a glass like I’m doing what everyone does when they come to her I’m sure it’s the Southwest it’s the best region of the country it’s Phoenix if the greatest it’s the sixth largest capital city in the United States
your Mare’s name is Greg Stanton
your football team is the sun Sanders spent all day in the hotel Sun Sanders
you love cacti you’re proud of it
I don’t like to talk about making the movie that’s why I came up with the Bluetooth where it where it where we just went every everywhere we go we were making this week we got the two of us here are first stop by the way
I talk to people at the bar I didn’t even know that I can make the mistake of it I think that’s a narcissist mistake you think that everyone knows what you know so first of all the nervousness I think you know that I’m an ass-whole I think you know I’m stupid I think you know I’m not funny and I also think you know that this is our first stop on the tour but obviously they we have to get to know each other and we we have been doing this show and it in a cradle in Los Angeles it’s like a very specific audience and you guys are specific audience we have to spend tonight making a Kind of Love not a not it will be consensual and everything and we’re going to we’re going to leave here with your money haven’t been well spent or I I will I will literally kill myself on stage
and you ought to take an Instagram it and then use the right filter cuz I think I feel like my blood looks fat this week
for those of you rather that listen to the podcast I don’t you listen to the last one but Patton Oswald gay Phoenix the pretty rough treatment
FedEx at 60% now okay thank God that was my big nightmare was like let’s go see some comedy and then I come out and I feel fat
who’s fat but he’s lost a lot of weight and looks good tonight who came for that you’re also going to get your money’s worth I swear to God I swear to your god-like II not even mine mine’s more easygoing than yours I will I will I will I will do whatever your God requires you’re not you’re not leaving here until your money has been at has been well spent how much for the ticket
22 okay I take it back
that’s that’s a tall order for a guy like me I’ve no right to arbitrarily not around number I’ve never done the $22 show this will be my first one I’m going to okay fine we’re going to give you look at my $23 show is right like pandering to your
Jordana doing for the podcast since he’s taking off by his button buttoning his shirt it’s not an Arizona State shirt it’s the it’s the Alice Cooper Cooper is a town knock off of the devil shirts
so we have Wildcat fans are also like big Ted Nugent fans as well
are you guys mad at at Sun Devils or Alice Cooper
but what about didn’t you just tell me the Ted Nugent compared to a gun owners to Rosa Park today or not. I just read that I just felt like a little blurry but apparently he he said that gun owners are you compared them to Rosa Parks in that one day that the law-abiding gun owners will be sitting in the front of the bus what whatever that bus is like I was surprised you didn’t people with the guns that were Heroes for having a for my metaphors turning to him for our politics it’s the weirdest cologne
Gennaro I would go I believe you would go to him or if I had questions about Wang Dang Sweet Poontang that’s that’s when I return to Ted Nugent
he already starting to sense that I’m doing and forcing that you were nervous about tonight after comfort zone when we drove in a bus and then we came out the door and Ike we came in here and I saw the lacquered tables and they 3-foot high stage and the posters of people who clearly you can tell from the photos on the wall that the people who normally perform here they have actual material you could sit there doing it in the in the picture there’s a there’s a picture of a lady going like
she’s in the middle she just finishing explaining like like like what Jack Nicholson would be like in a Drive-Thru or that guy is like like like just like like like finally drew the line between between men and women in the in the in the shopping with the toilet in the Hat, but come up and go to be back in Prescott on the wall here
you’re ripping on cuz I’m intimidated by them. They look like the like a Nemo
probably if you listening I thought you were Rachel Dratch
and Bobby Lee I thought you were Gallagher and everyone else on the wall here on the appetizers that’s mean look at me look at me there was a thing I was looking for the menu the menu of the dishes Pig and it boasts that its menu and read Pig for me on microphone their menu out there
a half pound of bacon with a side of maple syrup that second fantastic he said a pound is a half pound
what do you think this is ladies night I don’t know if that means I don’t know what they mean I just hope it makes you laugh so bad that it’s a trick people can perform kind of like a Rubik’s Cube in a Monica Lewinsky cigar good hey do miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually do that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes relate to my own life so it’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker it myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film
it’s like ever you’re always in good hands adventures in Black for them up with Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platform
rap rap and I don’t know if you if you guys are familiar with this Dan Dan likes to wrap at the wraps usually involve him fucking one of your mother’s
we have who who wants to who wants me to wrap up a fucking their mom
I got a lot of hands I love Phoenix
I’m going to go with right now I just want you to focus on one of those all right well we have we have a lot of God different styles here we can use if we have we have sexy and slow freestyle that fucking his aunt okay I’m sorry palak okay what’s your aunt’s name Patty and what is she the most afraid of
agent how old is she
I forgot her name already Patty Patty I’m not good at this
I’m not good at this I’m good at fucking your mama I fucked up shit
yeah yeah
yo yo yo Alex came over wanted to talk to me I said can I fuck your mama he said let’s wait and see he took me down the hall into a different room he said the pussy you’re going to suck his not connected to womb
yes it is but not the one that gave birth to me she introduced me to a different person I was I was my eyes were first and I took this picture I said who are you she said my name is Patty and I want to talk to you I said Alex and ask her out of her pant she had one pants not a pair I fucked his aunt you didn’t share but check it out it turned it over that holyshit Phoenix is a great City
it’s hot I can’t do it I can’t fucking Aunt it’s hard
I said what your name is Sir Justin if you would like that happen to a Tupac your mama right now okay what’s your favorite food
okay stick alright which which which movie did you think was better Tremors or Shawshank Redemption Shawshank Redemption what was his name. Okay, give me a beat
ladies and gentlemen
mama has been fucked at least once that we know of
but she’s about to get it again
the moon read text read text
yeah
what do you taste like steak
it’s ironic
cuz your son loves it and so do I
the weird thing is I was next to him which I would never want to be very uncomfortable given the naked company at
did he say that’s my favorite food
but you talk about my mom
at that point it’s been getting what I done cannot be like
so sorry
gone too far Justin let’s go watch Shawshank Redemption how used suggestions I created those are going to come out in that was experimental
what am I what am I performing monkey what am I someone you paid $22 to see
we have to get a couple things out of the way just for the movie I’ll take it off of your $22 if you see me after yoga I was I help you with the movie I want my $3 because we’re making this movie it’s a good show or movie so we need like like one thing I can think that we definitely need is like the the slow motion Montage like like like a of me killing it at every venue we have to fake that like it’s not going to happen cuz I don’t have Bobby Lee horrible song about that says mom I’m so sorry I don’t know what I thought I was doing and I know it didn’t rhyme and it was gross and it was it evoked an image of gross I just I lost I lost a lot of the women too and I’m sorry you want to try country song instead maybe in a second just want to burn up all the gold
we’re safe so far
let’s get let’s get a quick look I just want to get a shot of like like it’s slow motion so I don’t know if there’s cameras and canover crank so I I just I need you guys to be slow mo so if you can like kind of imagine that I did well
I don’t know it’s about being sincere and honest connections with people you’re basically a real thing
just imagine that it’s the end of the show in like like I did really good and just like kind of go cut kind of like like like like slow mo like reach for me like you wish you could touch me and then I’ll be like like, like like touching in the first time when I get to Bon Jovi sweet like like like like like like raise up like
this is all a lie
what kind of movie do you think you’re making a movie of Lies
I won’t sign off on this.
All right well whatever
I will can’t wait till we also
give yourselves a hand
what can we see what will will will will counteract it then we’ll get will I say now then and now because of that dishonesty that it’s your the onus is on you to create that moment for Real by the end of yeah I basically already did like it is it with community
see but when I don’t have Joel McHale and get my camera have to shoot it a little bit and every everything everything and entertainment is Ally okay I’ll do you this favor let’s do the the opposite like like let’s do the do the dark moment we not of this might be the worst gig of the whole torso does anybody have do you have stuff you could throw at me without hurting me
a lot of people very readily picked up bottles but not nothing
okay that was a that look like a roll of like Sweet Tarts
there has to be control and can’t just kill you and then we can cuz we have to get a good shot
all right so I’m going to cower cuz I kind of like I reach too hard and I and I and you turned on me and then just kind of like just kind of blew me in an end if you don’t have anything to throw just kind of like like like like like like like sangria lyrics are gonna like this like like forget this so I’ll just I’ll just chew it like a generic thing is like I said you’ll you’ll you’ll receive the Q I’ll cue you naturally like this thing’s been better than 911 which I loved happening I loved it I loved it what are you talkin about you dumb shit you don’t know what you’re talkin about
all right there you happy that’s good you guys are rap thank you very much
it’s exhilarating to be part of Hollywood isn’t it like like show business no probably
Florida
very nice crowd like weird like ninja stars and then I mean we can’t we can’t leave this town as we go on this trip we want to come away with learning something about this town. It’s always been very quick so I don’t really know much about it we absolutely know I know I know incredibly little about Phoenix maybe we could we could solicit somebody’s help like learning about it who who feels like they know who’s who’s lived here their whole life
okay we got a couple hands at her right hand with your friend no sitting across from Pam
you’re both named Brienne that’s fine does it your birth name Breanne
it’s weird for me
have you ever met before tonight you just met your birth name Brianne that’s awesome you guys going to
all right we made a love connection everything all right with Brianne would you be willing to come up and talk to her just as I got we don’t believe people at harmontown we’re not going to when I get to make fun of everybody what they’re both freon
alright Brianne I don’t have no idea what we’re doing with him
I will have you
I would like to learn more about Phoenix so what do both of you lived in Phoenix your whole life okay
and you just met tonight so weird
alright so what’s the worst thing about Phoenix
what is the dry heat Jeff
do some research
what’s the what’s the best thing is there are you proud to be citizens of Phoenix Arizona I love that
I think for me because I’m a musician that’s Xavier really good local name for music what do you play a guitar in the house
very
you do
have a great day if I were to improvise one of my incredible
raps that you could do like the Rihanna or Dido hook
like when I accused you like like like like like like you know they can stay like in town
turn your frown upside down if you want me to pee is yellow poop is brown I’m going down to harmontown can you remember that
let’s go.
Please come down to harmontown don’t worry I already forgot it I forgot you can let her sing it yeah I was trying to get her to remember the thing
Smiles upside down with brown come on down to harmontown
can you do you think you can
do you think you can come on. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yo got off the bus at 5 to 6:00 I think the city’s so good at sucking cock I’d like to Phoenix I like my penis I like to swear I’m not eat as from Dukes of Hazzard it predates you don’t worry about it
my name is Dan Harmon I’m here to entertain you
I don’t want to go around rearranging Brianna on my side and Phoenix the only thing that ever rhymes with it it’s reading it but I’m going to fix that I’m going to do different but I’m not going to come up with anything different
different I’m a bad rap.
Everything is spinning round me like roulette wheels I want to touch your mama titties and give her feel I want to stop by hand up her ass crack I wanna go up in front of her and come back around the I want to travel down to the store buy her ham I want to fuck your mama butt fuck Pam I was sorry about that I’m so sorry about that I’m so sorry I’m so so sorry about it.
motherfuking nothing no more
struggle
I want to struggle with my inside the fuck your mama so hard I ordered two pounds of ham with maple syrup I went to Phoenix G13 to suck
Chucky going to do it tonight painted Arizona I’d like to lease you or maybe own you I wanted to take you for a while I thought your frown into a smile I put my dick into your nose until it turns into an ear I thought your head until it turns into your rear I like the way your front yard just sometimes made a gravel yeah
Yelp the song goes out to Rosa Park
Phoenix with a fear in my heart but now I realized all I got to do is play a fun because the good people
a very forgiving of a very untalented person you are afraid of all the people that just died
yep I thought he was Rachel Dratch but Phoenix has unlock my heart from the Lash stupid stupid ass rhyme don’t don’t try to think ahead sucks all the time. I got fired by NBC I’m here for you with me until he is yellow poop is brown Tom down the harmontown
Let’s Hear It for the Boy
that’s good
karma tattoo shirts harmontown t-shirts available
still haven’t learned that much about Phoenix that summer is bad and what was good about the music scene you like the music scene
I wish that we could just find somebody to do every part of the show that’s like I feel like it’s hard to leave your comfort owes $22 and it’s tough Sanders now
Sun Devil Sun Valley they call you the Sun Valley other Wildcat fans out there and say yeah
U-Haul
Wikipedia
I learned it where we going next we’re going to Austin Austin Texas what do we have to get right in the bus and drive because I am I hate myself
I wouldn’t I wouldn’t hang out I would run to the to the bus money whatever happens tonight Phoenix Arizona is the city will you discover the tea is yellow and poop is brown did we go from City to City cuz I want to start a colony on the moon you know it we’re going to the end times are coming for real now that 2012 is over we can really say that it was it was a tight before but I’m really convinced now we’re going to just get out of here to create a system of rules when we get there so that we can have a simple society and I wanted to be based on his few rules as possible
and I think the first rule should be that that nobody should ever do anything that anyone else doesn’t want them to do
but then it gets really complicated so I’m trying to figure out how to how to create like a constitution for harmontown and I and I and I need help doing that so I want somebody to tell me like like like like like like I’m going to close my eyes
who has I would notice
who had the worst day today who’s who who’s here in spite of having like the worst worst day who think they had the worst day would you be willing to come up here
could you could you would you would you would definitely don’t pick on you obviously I’m the I’m the I am the enemy you’re a hero for coming up what’s your name sir
all right
okay. I’ll give you this one yet
well it says it next time I can make make a cute make a romantic okay.
Chords to get entangled
stream the cross
but I can tell a mediately when you said you played Scrabble out there that that was that was my kind of bad day
I mean yeah I the best word I played was half like I really do it it showed good day would be like if you got a Q on the triple words but it’s online with strangers and you know we say GG and how are you and Kids when you get the guy that’s like you know you want to go somewhere but that happens in online Scrabble games like somebody has is that is not talking about sex while you’re there and you’re just watching and you could you stop doing that
wait wait wait wait what’s the URL
I am pogo.com is blown away by this is like the people will use that as a medium there’s uncensored chat and you go in and people can put their play in Scrabble you’re playing Scrabble
what if they don’t have the right letters they end up with a pickle in their ass because they didn’t want it like that I want I wish it’s a Dickel but
I have so many questions but we’d be here all night I don’t care if it takes all fucking night
since you get in a place called pogo.com they have different rooms for it it’s it’s literally Scrabble or is it Scrabble type Game Room Parker Bradley or whatever the hell they like they’re not going for the transgenders in the room for the scrambles just assuming that you’re supposed to be getting together at Scrabble games but people have co-opted that culture turned it into a yet another way to fuck each other which is both uplifting and horrifying out cuz though Mike’s mom pick him up and your bad day was because you got a low score yeah I never broke 200 wishes
no do you go there to play Scrabble or to meet to meet people answer the question
I go there to play Scrabble and meanwhile these people just fucking and sucking on there
what’s your name again and then follow your heart been beat them at Scrabble how do you support yourself you don’t win money from them are you in in the meantime are you logging video for a reality show or are you in in the meantime
I deliver pizza oh
well that’s got to got to get in the way doesn’t it likely wasn’t yeah kind of pizza in you okay you just have to finish being propositioned by someone who who only have letters to spell chat you had the worst day although I have to say like a pretty good day in Phoenix I guess my thought was that we would start with somebody who was like really down and try to try to start in Phenix City what was what really gets you down like what are you worried about
want to do if you could do anything
you think you can do that if you want to
Lake trivia wise so you want to hear musician or a writer or a writer or musician
just very impressionable
you’re delivering pizzas at how old are you but you’re worried about it like I’m in a lawsuit the college kind of funny bone
yeah I heard you needed some discs in my back probably laid up for a while
all right
that’s that’s that’s terrible that you got hurt you if you get it with your way cuz you’re you couldn’t prove you’re just like laying in bed probably the whole say no but I choose to lay in bed still just cuz I got I got so used to it
comfy I got a really nice bed that was my gift for hurting my back cuz I got a really really comfortable bed and I love it
hi this is the worst day in Phoenix I don’t think we should leave I think we’ve wandered into drinking margaritas all day if I get back I’ll buy you a comfy bed you play Scrabble and someone comes over and then and then you go to wish I had the worst day ever but you’d have to pull teeth to get up and he wasn’t he wasn’t saying that right away like I get to the bottom of the real anxious to hear but but I think what we’re finding out is it Phoenix is just have them and we should just roll with that like concept the Phoenix is a great place to be here but you’re booing the idea that your town is a great place to be
all right. We should get a representative from Tucson and Phoenix said to us to have it out up here all right Mesa Mesa
I think I think my buddy grapefruit or grapefruit and tomatoes I think so Jimmy Eat World from Jimmy Eat World in your head you only feel left out so what the hell did I say sometime you can find it
yes take it been
yo yo yo I’m on my way
yeah yeah yeah Dan
I got a
scramble letters having people tell me they want to have sex with me my name is 10 cuts into bed don’t know what to do anymore but lay down with myself around all day hurt my back again going back in to turn your frown upside down
yo Ben I heard you played Scrabble if you could win life’s raffle do you say you be a writer or musician but I don’t know what to believe you turn on the mission stupid music I am the one in the room having the worst day
how how much more does the truth have to steer me in the face for giving
I’m sorry I am a fucking rat I can’t I came into town and I don’t feel comfortable at a stand-up club I’m trying too hard I don’t like myself I’m not I’m not fishing for anything I did have to stop something has to give I’m a bad bad person I don’t understand why I would leave Los Angeles and traipse around the country in a hundred-thousand-dollar bus going hey look at me broadcasting to the country now we got to go to Austin now it’s going to do
what was wrong about one thing Phoenix is amazing he was right about one thing I’m going to I’m dead I’m dead in the water I’m burnt out I can’t do it I wish I was dead I’m the bad person been been what will help me what do I do
we got to pick up the pieces and move on you got to find a way to move on you got to move on your kind of funny when you try I don’t know I gotta move on ya ya ya got to move on and get my groove on I’m kind of funny when I try but not why why tell me why
cuz your mind is a funny mind that
maybe Dan could go sit down after been going to get back over there maybe been should be asking you the questions about yeah yeah we still don’t know why you’re doing this why you’re putting yourself through all they don’t know they don’t know Bobby Lee doesn’t know she doesn’t know man maybe it’s time for you can dig deeper into you
Ben always wanted to know about me I got, I’m sure you stay up in your Orthopedic bed
no it’s not it’s like an orthopedic bed that means what
now that’s now I’m sure you still sure you stay up at night asking yourself things about me that was your big chance ask me
if you could be anything
what would you be a professional Entertainer
a a a person with it with it was an act the person that knew how to to to make people happy
thank you thank you thank you thank you Dad thank you my dad from Phoenix did you know I want to be someone who doesn’t make people say things like that I don’t I don’t want to be a drain on people I don’t want to be a person who makes people feel his voice I want to I want to come out and do like a sting all right bit been all right quick I think I got it I got it we can wipe the sweat and slate clean can you MC for me and like introduce me and I’ll come out and and I’m going to I’m going to I’m going to I’m going to do this for real I’m going to earn this venue
Calvin
oh wait now is it okay hold on a little more insecurities but this here alright then you use this Mike and then introduce me like that like you’re an MC at a stand-up club and then I’ll come up
ladies and Gentlemen please welcome Dan Harmon the Entertainer
Jesus Christ
what is this a picture of your city or a falcon or a blurry photo
I got to tell you I’d rather be in Tucson
okay all right hey keep it going for band you’re not everybody night and free and I’ll tell you
I’ll tell you something you know I’ve I’ve seen I’ve seen guys with the with shirts on before but I didn’t know I didn’t know whether to look at him or look at him
a pretty interesting coming here tonight I think that you got close to an emotional connection there was Ben and Ben was about to draw something out of you because I think Ben came up there and I’m not joking been came up and talked about his his injury and what he went through and get a bunch of weight I think there’s a moment there where everybody like oh my God to the buzz went away it was that was that was optional all night I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to see if you didn’t notice it was like I don’t want to call your tentative cuz then you’d notice it.
about Entertainer the but if the buzz I was at either the bus is gone now everything’s and now I’m great
been a complete stranger I would I would guess not not a professional Entertainer comes on stays down reveal something honest and true for a moment and there was that moment but I felt I think everybody in the room felt this connection I go that’s why he’s that’s why he’s bummed out about Scrabble about the fact he’s injured he gained some weight so it’s like that is it mom that we got close to revealing something about you we got close to it but I don’t think we got all the way like inside I didn’t hear it cuz I was too busy trying to figure out what to what to say next that you give you decided to destroy you come out and stand there was a microphone makes you feel dishonest to to live up to Bobby Lee and the guy with the guy with a Hawaiian shirt and Gallagher lady in
yeah
yeah I want people to order a pound and a half of bacon ham and cheese with syrup and then I want them to relax and have a good time I want to be the reason they they they they they were entertained yes but then I can’t do that yeah I’m outside the moment like wild how do I do it right how do I do it right it doesn’t it doesn’t say it’s not doesn’t seem like the venue to to talk about you know you know what’s going on in my life and it you know it cuz it says here the silence and the back of a comic book store but it doesn’t seem okay but you can see the glow of the cash register and the and the you know the posters of Rob Schneider and stuff
she feels weird and it is as if they drove places they drove from from Tempe and Mesa to Tucson and then they deserve deserve better than you love me it’s a Surefire way to lose my respect I hate myself
awesome thank you I suck yes I suck thank you but I rule shut up
you’re heckling the audience
you got you call yourself an audience
what is my worst day someone said tell me about your worst day was my worst day
someone at 7 yelled at show in Phoenix is like the worst sort of day for you when what when what is or is not happening stay there it’s not unlike been Scrabble saying because it’s like it’s about monotonous about mediocrity it’s about like it’s about the nightmare of like what it what it what it what am I doing like a it’s like when I owe network of script and I and I and I told him I’d have it to him by Monday end and then like another day goes by and I I just I stare at the screen and I just you know I am masturbating a lot and stuff and then I like I kind of like to go to bed and then I wake up and I feel like other scripts till late but
wait wait I just came came to this earth like like God made me like made me out of clay foot me at down on Earth forty years ago said go to it do some things here I’ll even give you a couple of extra abilities like you can hear you can type you can type like like over a hundred words a minute here’s a bonus he gave me that that bonus give me a very good looking man. I’m kidding I was just hoping to be out here is like I want some I want to feel like I like I like but you know like like I do something for a living and I’m not a writer you know I wanted to maybe I always wanted to be what’s going on
is that Ben has been very like he’s engaging me is like he’s not hacking he’s he’s in my he’s in my fucking so what’s your name
what type Tyler Tyler Tyler
it just seems like a guy.
What’s the I have to check that check the time cuz we have to we have to do some
yeah I don’t know if any of you are fans of Dungeons and Dragons in our dungeon master Spencer
I think it’s I think it’s an issue hasn’t been resolved and punch me and I’ll give you your money back and I’ll try and find something for you to do but like like we can we do it let’s go let’s go let’s go let’s bring Spencer up to the stage our dungeon master
they just want to make sure
50/50
we have a character for a mole rain Zakarian my girlfriend the lovely Erin mcgathy up here
so I just want to make sure before we proceed any further
there’s nobody in the audience for sure who is like who got a phone call a couple days ago from Stand Up live it said you want to contest a limo will pick you up there’s a six drink minimums you and there’s nobody here and it was like like what the fuck is this okay all right all right like they’d say yes cuz I like I don’t understand what was happening and it’s going great.
your hair looks beautiful you did a great job with the merchandise and she’s out there running the last table Equipment Spencer if you will please get us up-to-date and recap where we are in our campaign
last time our heroes had met with Lord but a lot of the buckle on Barbarian the group have been puzzling over the fragments of power shards of great Arcane energy but in the wreckage of the white skull encampment a horse-drawn wagon approached Sharpie and crew the wagon opened up revealing a magical storefront in a halfling merchant by the name of Olaf and Olaf have rolled in portable hole Sharpie had a heart-to-heart with his father not long after the group heard a strange noise
losing Avenger Sharpies familiar the hawk without a doubt the Enemy by Olaf in his shoot gun the group but the piece was short-lived a large Rift opened in the sky and outboard the black Fleet of Admiral Darkstar the fleet wants many black cylinders which impacted the Earth with heavy foot that’s where we left off
Admiral darkstar’s is Spencer everybody
yeah we’re on a tour bus with a dungeon master I don’t know if that may be a first yeah that that’s still really
that’s what you got fans out there man I’m glad I’m glad
are there to Saint fans
when we were warning Spencer like who’s new not not not accustomed to this was like he has expensive got his own fans out there and you’re going to have to get used to that Spencer your celebrity now
yeah we’re on the bus was Spencer we don’t we still don’t know anything about him we know that he works in the back of an Apple store and that he lives with his parents and I may or may not have brought weapons for real you never sleep you can’t sleep
no I do sleep I said I’m a human being
all right sorry to go do right now they’re crashing around this from Admiral dark Harris everyone or it’s been sitting on the plane when danger right now you see several large black cylinder studying to the ground seriously you don’t know if this is danger but it doesn’t bode well Park Shar-Pei I was following behind you I was only a few miles behind I had some business with some birds
I heard the feds I’m here to help I have plenty of arrows and a great sense of adventure
go run into those upsetting cylinders and find out what they are
who were the feet
I am brave and I am not a very smart characters do it is that possible looks to be a large black cylinder it’s at least four feet tall and about a foot and a half wide its surface is black and unlock marked shiny like metal everybody
you found a cylindrical table I found a 1980s Coke table
I I detect Magic on it cylinders kind of figured that would have fell over head there going towards the West Mango bust a lot Face rose gold my cap
you cap my champ I don’t enunciate well
are you around your unconscious for a while as it’s okay guys at your Camp is leaving or they’re going towards his Camp as barbarians approaching suddenly in a vicious flourish he’s gone as are his Barbarian they’re walking away didn’t tell if we’re all we teleported
three different poop magic is a thing that exists in the world. I know but my dad said he’s just a guy that eats felt he knows what other magic things he has no he didn’t so he’s going back to his Camp you don’t even know man you saw a large group of men just disappear but he said he’s not going to Taco Bell you never know he loves to talk about making any noise after they fall to the ground looking up mechanics in clockwork gears slowly the cylinders begin to lift out of the grass floating in mid-air
they hang their strangely menacingly
I think you’re being menaced by cylinders
it won’t be the last time
I mean do we have to confront these cylinders or should we just get the hell out of there I don’t know man how big are the cylinders around their metallic cylinders that are sitting on the ground or they were not originally menacingly hovering in the Clockwork sounds coming out of them hovering
sure. I’ll be brave I expect the The Columns building columns
feel like I should prepare some way
and that includes with my hands I also had sex with my hands search the column for any markings or demarcations or Mark you don’t see anything the surface is clean there’s nothing here gentleman
alright well let’s pack it in and let’s see you hear a loud obnoxious siren admitting from the cylinder siren siren you feel sick to your stomach
play death and Dan are fine but more rain is a I’m sorry excuse me I will stand behind this tree I know what this feeling feel it means and I I’d like to be alone
what is a tree I mean just some sort of obstruction
you’re behind it now can I ask what my spell Mage hand is mated and allows you to levitate light object that’s a 5lb there already what what about I just found out I can perform the loot should I play some Luke right now is that a bad time to throw at night that the moon you can play well I have to listen to listen it’s a meaning of loud obnoxious siren that’s making you feel kind of I stop listening
I produce my crystal shards you produce your Crystal Shard Crystal whatever it is that that that Shard thing a fragment of powers produce right thank you
I produce mine as well do I do I still have one yeah it’s a weekend or rubbing together
General Mills
she might be useful to our two sharks have any magical powers together happening but I have heard that I walked toward the what are the cylinders with the Shire we must look at the biggest idiot in the world from anyways perspective like in defense out there who know what to do and we don’t
you can play Scrabble
two of the cylinders rise up and fly towards you they strike both Cork and Sharpie in the chest
not fun use Alchemist fire all right okay so that’s a brown weapon so sharp it takes to damage throw The Alchemist Bar
hit hit
hahaha it does for damage cylinders now on fire
great
exactly what I wanted you both relax feel free to lie next to each other using each other’s body for Comfort. My bag of holding remove one of these from the sky or is it a bad idea to check my bag of holding over one of the cylinders or is it that would be a tricky move it might be possible do you attempt know I got my loot
you play okay
can I ask you a question Spencer about one of my spells any of them all of them thoughts just thoughts will probably not work on Metallica and and entities it was afraid so I can turn into an acre so may I use cause feather token to Anchor the things on fire
it it it doesn’t do anything that falls on the ground and under one of these things are floating in the air right like I take off my robe and i n i n a n a lane naked under it but I look up at it and I go
nothing happens
I think we should we could just go I think we could just leave these friends are faux on it but I have a thing here I take out my mysterious Emerald dagger and I go into a into a rage reducing your Emerald real wage your mind clouded with anger and rage you can’t think clearly
I attack you attack in your rage you attacked a cylinder cylinder cylinder
I’m afraid you can’t hit anything you and your rage you feel slightly fatty I slowly put my clothes back on Yuri robe and giggle and comfortably the three of you are struck by
all right Sharpie take sticks damage Court takes Grand more and take one
haha
they were fighting to Giant thermoses right now we’re getting our asses kicked 333 thermostat anybody
references are very loving and the hold water
they’re necessary I do a Power Attack you do a Power Attack you could choose between one and three three is the most damaged one of the least damage free all right
you hit
you deal this is so slow you getting
well damage phuc yea
the cylinder splinters into fragments and falls to the ground and hurt all right
La Loteria frostfangs at the rain
The Villages if we didn’t even do anything wrong if you hang out, just one one of them’s dead the other two are floating around two arrows and I split them into a v which is something I do all the time
I put them into a V and I pull them back and I with my with my two eyes that are able to go to different ways like a fish I pull them back and then fire them
are they both hit
that’s a first
that’s a first
well then one of them takes five the other takes well they’re not dead but they seem a bit messed up broken what’s wounded for a machine broken malfunction in that area
how can I got nothing here there will likely it’s the cylinders turn again
Maureen and pork you take damage this comes or 6:00 and 5 damage so 6 and 5 damn it how am I doing here
you’re going to have like he’ll moderate one just Mercy
you do but you never have can I do have a pain to the feeling it’s put on you think it’ll put your call all right I’ll I’ll reboot okay can I take my water skins at the two floating Colin feeling a bit uneasy but you would have to this strange maneuver
one of the waterskins strikes lightning arcs across the surface of the disk and it falls to the floor United disc golf of a week to water
I have waterskins to do the same thing it’s not as dancing Ray of water
stretch
Tiana
yeah I’ll take your clothes off earlier I don’t have water skins I tried to pee on their role for your bladder fullness
oh shit
you manage a petty stream it is but a trickle
did I did I hit it I know early hit the ground but almost evaporate
I don’t get why people find the stuff we’ve been reduced to pee on robot cylinders I have three sheets yeah yeah I can do whatever the hell she did you aren’t is accurate with a throat but you do attempt it all right cylinder water splashes across the surface it’s to fall to the ground in a good job
we don’t know if they’re trying to help us are they open one of Jesus Christ isn’t it
cylinders and I Riley jump up on it and try to open it
where’d you get the hat from Olaf out of his you guys okay you do this nothing happened
maybe battle robots are full of treasure
touch one of them with a Chardonnay that’s not going to do anything. I know your dad is all I asked was in Canton and I said what I said we ride toward the encampment another we beat these before
if we had just left in the first place would they have follow that I don’t know how to try different things different approaches
well I guess what I guess we I guess we walk in it off into the distance and the camera stays behind and I do like a jet Nelson Breakfast Club Fists in the air Freeze Frame
wish I was included the The Dungeons & Dragons chapter right cuz there was no treasure and everybody
we fought some cylinders you hear that Austin
when we when we get to Austin we’re going to we’re going to move in you that that judges the Dragon Story
in the past we’ve got a big jello because that’s a story we told me some other things are we missing some metaphor with it was for my self-loathing I got I couldn’t have overstated like a how badly I thought I did here at stand up live in Phoenix and I felt like there was no better way to end it then fighting a cylinder alike not really knowing what to do and peeing and not not hitting the cylinder I think I felt very appropriate for missing and I think Spence is wrong cuz you fight monsters OK Google what is part of the game master cylinder monster
I don’t know monster truck I love it all right so your father mango butts a lot of the Barbarian I can’t let’s learn one thing about Spencer before he goes let’s each City let’s learn
but me
Spencer is there a is there any detail you’re willing to divulge about yourself that you think nobody knows I have a condition known as syndactyly that means two of my toes on either foot are kind of fuse together
can we see it yeah
princess not taking it to a shoes I’ve never seen anything like history here but they’re stuck together they almost look like they’re not but they are
you guys are never going to speak to me again
we’re going to be your best friend and an Instagram the hell out of your foot
syndactyly that’s amazing I didn’t really see ever heard of that we’re going to get a picture of that on the bus all right how many people in America do you reckon have
is it is it is there a statistic on how many people have some Daiquiri out of three siblings have all of your extended family yeah I had a girlfriend that had a two but like those are the only four people I’ve ever known to have this
will you had a girlfriend when you had a girlfriend was fused toes to yeah I did you did you meet at a fuse to a convention or do it was a it was a support group know you’re kidding and I know I’m kidding but how much of it was kidding did you have a girlfriend that have to say that you can have
what what what happened to her she’s fucking a 75-year old guy
wait what how old is she let’s save this for this feels terrible 2222
I’m not bitter at all
I’m sorry it’s a lot to take in and how long ago did you break up I mean it’s it’s fresher than I ought to be
that wasn’t explains where you at all she left you for a 75 year old no self-esteem all right thank you Spencer feel worse now I don’t know I can’t help you every minute I’m leaving
that’s everybody God bless you Spencer
amazing
his toes are fused together Los Angeles he just raised I said is there a dungeon master in the audience he raised his hand he’s now in a bus with us his tooth toes are fused together I don’t know why I don’t know how to what’s happening we’re going to learn one new thing about him each City we go to it started with the toe thing we got 19 cities to go do you feel like you’ve learned anything I know he’s got some kind of we’re going to learn that he’s God it’s going to be like One Like You by the end of the tour is going to be like the seventh seal kind of like we’re going to find out that that we are all in his like Dungeons & Dragons game
I think I think it’s very reasonable I think I think the prediction is that the movie ends up being mostly about Spencer and I’m already here cuz you’re narcissistic I’m just vain Spencer is I think Noble in some way that we’re yet to find out stage and goes should I be on stage they could watch it about themselves like Spencer is an amazing he’s a National Treasure
he’s incredible I hate him going to poison his food
no I love a credible dandy-oh
oh sure yeah he said it will you please tell us what you do show me where can I working on two of them on the tour bus I’m doing is CBS pilot that you know it’s all the camera which means that there’s a laugh track probably it will listen to last track of you before a live studio audience member had better than that I was just going to say I didn’t like the trouble is community for three years in the whole time every day I got up out of bed I was doing I was going to work for people who say who who who wanted me to like I was ever by doing the thing that I wanted to do I tried trying to make people happy I was like I was being the bad guy and my attempts now is to try to like segment things into I want to do a thing for CVS in the thing for fox has a thing for adult swim at the same time does it take for adults with is like to go to sign
is with a diarrhea Rhea you know it’s a crazy shit that you know that the fifteen-year-old and you will love it it’s amazing I’m going to have it it’s being written right now it’s an incredible incredible show swim but did you go watch it and looks like you’ll love it it’s a cartoon then it then it Fox I want to do like something that’s like the new community you know do you still think it’s a single-camera and like like like like makes people happy and successful and good like I it may not be your cup of tea Tyler Dandy I know you can do better than that Dan Harmon I hear you I hear you I understand what where that’s coming from I know we’ve been indoctrinated into a culture of like okay popular shit sucks and Marsh it is not popular I don’t I’m not disagreeing with you I understand your anxiety
but I really can I have your permission Tyler Dandy
to to try as hard as I can to make a good lie cold
how do I get up here I think Tyler did and everybody I can’t see him I’m not leaving her without looking tired and in the eye
Tyler Dandy
is Andy Jackson only shut up you get it all the time but drunk rock is like look at me Guy new saying I love you and you’re saying that you’re you’re the voice in the back of my head
to write my thank you
what do you what do you do
well what do you what do you what do you envision me doing it like like if I can do better than writing a CBS sitcom what what do you what do you envision me doing that would like like you would go if you can make it
all right we’ll see you have if I want to try
with bated breath for what you’re going to do that if you can
is the best thing I’ve seen on TV in my ticket some Adderall tonight alright well I don’t know what else I’m going to I’m going to redeem myself and have time to talk sometime is the sole opens up in that you must sing or rap do you remember the refrain. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah finish oh it’s been kind of weird I’m sorry about it sorry about my beard collecting all the food and all the tears from the regrets and dreams that I ever had before King the Phoenix looking for something new all I did I feel it disappoint you but you disagree you say you love me but all I can do is look at
lenders and try to pee pee comes out of my dick get goes under the floor I can’t do nothing different I got Jeff Davis professional improviser but I have funded to be an entertainment surprise her wanted to come out and do some cool shit
I can’t do it dick alright
yo oh I have your microphone
classic
sorry
Yeah Yeah Yeahs cooling out just no pressure just going out just going to close the show with the rap but I’m not going to do too much in 10 crap not gonna punish the crowd for thinking too hard I’m not going to bring out the Crystal Ship is going to rap then get over to Brianne so she can sing that yo don’t know what to do got yellow pee got brown ass to I put I put it in a jar put it in space I got on a rocket ship for every race so I got black people got white people to I got yellow people got brown like who I got ramen shit that a run before but I never know what I’m doing
4
Sterling Plaza
yo I can’t stand myself I wish I wish I was up on a Dusty shelf cuz I’m fat and hairy just turned 40 don’t know what I’m doing I’m really sad
it’s not bad just break I ought to go to therapy instead of come here I’m really sorry to Trout on all my anxieties and species you deserve better
you deserve better
turn your frown upside down yo-yo
got a struggle
going to struggle to the strength
I got to feel the rhythm I’ve Got a Feeling
in the ghetto trying to get high couldn’t do it working-class background people trying to hold me down rose up from the ocean on my hand in the back of a bus
I’m just a sleeper Benton Fire but it’s a creeper in the Twilight night
goodnight everybody
where did Brienne
Tyler Dandy Tyler Dandy everybody Brianne what’s your last name
throat cutting candy thank you Tyler thank you you trying to talk to Austin and Grand style one more time for the mayor of Hermantown
the one the police off clothing The Majestic Dan Harmon
thank you for throwing garbage it means they give her a high-five and Lee God bless your wonderful City we have to leave it almost immediately but I think we can sign some shit out front if it
I love you guys for real you’re so
we love you also and thank you so much and if it’s not too late you should I tip your waitstaff I should probably say that