Episode
Episode: 45 – Dan Took a Shower (Kumail Nanjiani, Bobcat Goldthwait)
Description
A discussion of hygiene heats up with Kumail Nanjiani, then boils over when Bobcat Goldthwait drops by. In D&D, zombies attack while Quark engages in advanced animal husbandry. This fabulous episode is unedited so we will just warn you of a small glitch with the mayor’s mic a few minutes in that lasts but a moment.
Transcript
when I said I look it back to North Mountain Hollywood California
guess what time it down is now in session
what you please welcome to the stage the mayor of harmontown Mr Dan Harmon
yeah
rap
great we started at 8:06 if it’s okay so that I always get confused I look over that clock ago how long we’ve been up here basically since 8 so when it says 9:30 but I prefer 90 minutes yeah I’m insecure about our performance was great thank you
I took a shower I raced home from work at Rick and Morty and I jumped in the shower and I didn’t use she could tell you that I needed to take a shower after an hour of drinking I mean that’s not there’s no reason for I mean full disclosure your commitment to honesty Jeff Davis was commitment to an estate yeah I took a shower tonight you guys don’t really usually see me after I shower
it’s kind of exciting I don’t know if I’ve ever been up here right after I shower know I don’t know if it’s I don’t know if I clip my fingernails I am not embarrassed about you commit to groom and after where they just may go down to the riverbank and they scrub in the
the author describe the Ruddy cheeks in there listening hair and there that it did you just put down the book and jerk off and just hit me up
I got that sounds like a clean lion
I don’t remember I just remember people like every once in awhile they bathe and he’s medieval Adventures that is all I know and that’s a medieval style that was real for real that was not affected because I raise my hand and social studies I knew the answer to a question
like thirty thousand times in a span of four second I was a real there was a real one that was I mean I don’t I sound like a character from cars or something I’m assuming I haven’t seen that movie
speaking of people who haven’t seen movies were going to bring up a guest later on Jeff who hasn’t seen some key movies and we’re going to talk to him about it that’s a dumb teaser dumb
what are you do you have me I’m not the purpose of a teasers ago later on coming up but we’re going to find out what to eat later and we’re going to talk about shit like that doesn’t make any sense but I don’t want to later on is going to second-guess what he says we’re going to talk about
free time of stammering stuttering hygiene okay here’s the thing I’m a shower today and I was 40 years old and I was
and Aaron had left a bottle of shampoo like it’s spilled on a bottom of the toilet what do you call it the bathtub
where do you shittin where do you wash it out of the bathtub was covered with shampoo and so when I got in it with my bike my my enormous gross walrus like body house they didn’t date they did a lot of weird things there’s kitchen tiles in the kitchen that have like the German word for honey on him a little bear going like Zig hyle but
there’s all kinds of evidence if you look for it then an old German couple own my house and took very good care of it but but that was
Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff Hustler cartoon care of that Lake earlier so cute like a pupil of a sudden I’m having a delightful time I love you I’m glad thank you
nothing……. They were bad people or that having the camera was bad it’s just fucking it’s different nobody but you and a half I can do this
I can play license music
wow a place
we’re copyrights don’t apply for Sony can fuck off and die
Whitney Houston died of an overdose in a hotel and when her record started to sell Sony charged more for it look it up it’s a fucking huge ridiculous scandal
if you just Google it you will see that the company that fired me
is horrible and belongs in Nazi Germany so so to get
good feels good
and Death Cab references as the chocolate marshmallow I stepped into the shower and the shampoo
he left it just squirted shampoo on the floor of the bath tub she’s got back at the Christie novels she’s got to get paintings to commission boyfriend’s to murder but that would make more sense after that he’s leaving liquid soap on the floor are like Downton Abbey
so is that okay I saw high fives middle of them to do a Downton Abbey high-five so he’s either her boyfriend and doesn’t track with no Downton Abbey and he’s the fucking Downton Abbey watching guy that’s going to fuck her after
he’s on deck
or I don’t know what wait what is the other I don’t know any other kind of gracious friend
are you guys a couple
front desk. You’re playing the platonic she’s going to end up having a boyfriend a straight platonic friend and a gay best friend that’s amazing a straight best friend show me like a Chinese kite just like what this
Halo Entourage
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, no limits is that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the theme to like to my own life so it’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker it myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
anyways I’m slipping in the shower
no tangents tonight Jermaine to Jackson
Jermaine Jackson of the type of pandas that are going to happen tonight with the first one is phonetic a Jackson
that’s rule number one I was slipping in the shower and I made me Hyper conscious of my environment here’s my thing Jeff one of my many things I don’t like showering I like bathing and thank you thank you Jesus Christ I took my she left the shampoo and put it in the shower there was a there was a shampoo bottle like down on the floor of the
stop that leaking shampoo so it like an oil slick right I Was Taking A hurried shower
maybe she wanted to kill me tonight at end that’s why she’s not here right now too Perfect Crime I slipped in the shower she gets no money cuz she’s I’m just your boyfriend let’s look at a shower she’s in the other room when it happens it still accused her of murder it doesn’t make sense you to no end but it doesn’t make sense we love each other and we belong together and you’re a bad bad bad person
zi stock I became a hyper-conscious of the shower environment and I started to take them myself you know what all of these houses that you always see on TV in the movies and in your own homes they always have a shower and I’m and I started started to really sink in I think other people other than me really like to take showers
Bryant
so like how many people in the room
don’t like taking showers
44545
I got your experience but how many people in the room consider it a like oh boy I wish I could take a shower like like like like like like like by a pause
that’s the thing but one of my favorite things is sometimes if you got the time a little bit of both you get what you give blood to drain your laying there and you take a shower bath can you fit in like you’re you’re taller than me you just get down there in like little tiny little Lego cars like when my dishes are dirty they got little lasagna to scrape them off like that’s how you know that you soak them so please soak the dish you don’t spray it but you have a you have a dishwasher and that’s a shower right it is nothing but you have to scrub the dish before you put it in the shout in the in the in the in the dishwasher soap the plates and or I hire a lady who may or may not be
the documented I don’t know that’s her business and that’s not a change it we’re getting off on but my plates are currently clean store my balls because I soaked him this is enough of this topic was just thinking in my head was taking a shower today like how much people like showers it’s not like a toilet it’s a different from a toilet the toilet pooping is fun because of the thing coming out of your butt and that your butt feels good since I put the thing up here but same thing but it’s coming out but you then you have to wipe it and like it’s poopy I don’t have to explain this out of all the things I have to explain the last thing I’ve displayed pooping works at and there’s nothing in the bathroom that’s like their it’s by necessity like it really is there because it’s a bath for your poop
and I always start with the poop Tower was also there by necessity because that was a just as the toilet was a device that kept poop from piling up the shower was a device that kept kids from picking on you that was how I was introduced to the kids in the playground get the shower fuck you you’re an asshole you’re a piece of shit but if you had better get in that shower and unlike when I get on the toilet I don’t actually it’s not up to me like I fucking Steve Ruel but if you have gotten up every morning and no Nat you know when you were in the fifth grade that you like baths and you took a bath everyday you would have been clean and they wouldn’t have never would have been a topic right yeah maybe but yeah maybe yeah don’t don’t blame her a cascading water
a bathing thing it was amazing to be showering or is like submerging yourself in a tub I think that everybody should wake up every morning not everybody I don’t care what you guys do I would like it I would like that I would be comfortable if if everybody woke up every morning of it I’m going to I’m going to take my little my little bath cuz that’s how you get clean you soak your whole butt dirty body in like clean water you can take a bath everyday you can be at you can be a sexy Calgon lady and you can you can get you can get in and have a little bubble bath every morning if you want too much time in the bath as the old Air Supply song goes
time and look bad I don’t know I don’t know what brand it is but it’s not your sticks if you’re listening and your drumsticks like I just paid you the biggest couple more like stop myself I was like I knew I was going to say sticks as I can to many
I am coming to the States now Jeff oh shit fuck it man rolling man that’s what I learned it or keep it rolling bring bring Fresh Faces up get to talk to them let’s bring first up
an old friend of harmontown
a week old
are you looking for a thing I’m stalling for you okay did you have a scene. I just got some 600k an old friend he was here last week I like talking to him
his name is Kumail nanjiani
Camille from now on this is your same I like it. This one A different one
this one why
you know what fuck you
oh he was tired. Fighting anymore I just one
show me a fight if a yeah if it’s still going on can I say one thing and I know you don’t want to talk about this anymore I feel thank you
is it going to be about wasting water no God no shower shower up exercise bench
if you stand in the shower and clog the drain as often happens to 25 year-old because the drink is naturally plugged in by their inability to call their father who they owe $5,000 to end their smokers mucus the it often happens the science experiments plays out you you you you shower with the bathtub will not fill up in the time of an average shower we have to be in the shower for a long time to fill it back up I am me for a month alone before that I was in felt more alone for a couple weeks I will take just to pass the time I will take like 5 6 showers a day I would like to know what’s happening in Baltimore hours a day
it’s six hours or the wire that’s Baltimore slogan come out of the shower and your only say from Omar in the shadows
more high-fiving in the background
only this time I got them. I think the bathing is weird because you’re laying in your own filth for a while
yeah if you do a shower okay alright it’s like a ball in bucksville finish your thought and then let me counter
or can I come like I finished all right all right of course I’ve thought about that
condescending
also in science class what we learned is the whole point of water as a cleaning agent it is a universal solvent water binds two things takes them away it doesn’t put them back but it’s still there is bound water but it is just hanging out though it doesn’t fucking attached to you now it’s still only half of my only half of my accounter okay the other half is assuming assuming that being near dirt actually makes you dirty if it’s like in a in a water dirt solution what you are a certain without knowing you’re certain that is the Absurd science-fiction notion
is that a shower head propels water hard enough and consistently enough that it blasts the dirt floor plans at every little flake of dirt and tomatoes to the simple can I finish set the time finish that’s as 45 seconds turn down turn down
Senator your time is up sir
Pakistan Rebus
was that the front door was the first when they’re just Pakistan
20 countries that occasion a certain senator for Pakistan where would he start you’ve mentioned it’s a science fiction note that would be the worst sci-fi movie of all time
fair enough also
I was going to say something horrible but do you know who knows how strong is it make them clean
but the other thing is I’m scrubbing while I’m in the shower I’m not just like in there like water do your magic and then get out okay fine but finding itself to meet would you like ride get on a six-hour flight next week just like a like a shit like a turd even though it’s not binding to you you know what you know it’s there when you’re eating it was like looking at you that’s that’s not fair the shit is the verb shower of kind of is a verb if no also the water water stings me a little bit like okay
all right
they’re all welcome to a giant bin of diamond doesn’t hero medals for people who gang up on people
there I mean there is there’s a bin full of them when I asked them I said who loves shower and they all said yeah they all love it I I’m not I’m not I’m a hero for talked to the lady said she like Batman Rising by the way I tried to bully her like a folk hero if you don’t like like like you know like I’m I’m six foot four I prefer in the morning I sit down when I pee why because I’m tall and I’m like I’m tired you don’t want me to I sit down when I pee sitting down
what are you women
micro pen and punch a lion while I paid I don’t even pee I just I just I just I just still cleaner
then if they had left the government
then if they love the government which is the moral then would be that they shouldn’t have to go play The Crow to eat up from the time I boo’d Dan Harmon cuz I I react to words instead of feelings
that’s you
you guys need a fucking Linguistics shower
leave it where I’m at if you have the time and you’re tired is laying down in the tub and let the water hit you and you can let me know if you like. Rape or something yeah yeah
I thought I’d take a little rate bath afterwards that’s like I like a real shower taken or you just found out that Finkle is Einhorn
what what is a real deep
we need a character for deep Cuts we need
I just high-fived a gig I don’t know what you said I just had a stock make it better
it’s like the Blarney Stone
hi-five the gay guy feels like a like a I have a dream that one day children will play hi-five the game instead of sitting in the front row because when we were we were playing certain games was a weird pick who is it and we had this big Western Wisconsin it was the 70s 80s any Meenie Miney Moe and we didn’t always say catch a tiger by the tail
catch the Jew by the tail, you guys were like in Doraemon
Doraemon heartbeat beneath his chest
you hating hurts I thought I know what I need to go over there and look.
Who died on the pamphlet Coachella
Wonder spot your car will go uphill
we didn’t say tiger we said the n-word okay but I forgot we played a whole game called smear the queer and the reason I forgot as because we never thought I never really thought about it never thought of this game will keep gay people from from infiltrating Society voting or getting married I was never thinking that like you just taught that is a kid like a good are permissible I’m just saying like when you’re a kid you’re pure like you don’t you really do know there’s no reason black people and kids right they can be writers Who Who Are You
text Baby Edwards
in between gay-bashing to apologize to our soul our assault that’s our only black Armenian
why you apologizing to the black person I’m saying I am obsessed with race but I’m not as obsessed with homophobia I feel like the equation was race and homophobia not racing homosexuality is racism and homophobia I’m saying I I need to I need to put a couple more poker chips on double zero well the gay people although they wake up and come totally pass for white women
so yeah that way I could only find out your gay like in officer until over the phone
what is my favorite sound ever
if you’re if you’re a gay guy and you want to blend into straight Society it’s as simple as growing a big bushy mustache
they’re right up by the way Pakistan was very very racist against Jewish people of course Hindus of course but also black people and we didn’t have any black people
so weird oh yeah so what was that about I think we were going off you guys
they were like you know when like the the big bully at school is like the cool guy is like this one we hate dirty bully like you follow him home of houses all shity and all the animal ones you know week then you come here and it’s fucking Jerry Springer and stuff we don’t we don’t see that stuff we see Baywatch we just all right I think it’s time to keep the bullet train rolling we got shit to talk to Spencer about we need to bring Spencer up here
preview first time list news Spencer’s are dungeon master
Spencer Crittenden everybody
happy birthday Spencer’s 24 years old
one step closer to death Spencer Crittenden slowly edges along the never-ending River of chronology he’ll always be younger than Dan but that doesn’t excuse him from what I don’t know what a great room that Spencer Crittenden human the snowdrift well I’ll tell you okay hasn’t never seen a single Back to the Future or Indiana Jones movie wow you guys
do you have any other who hasn’t seen any of John’s Are Back to the Future movies two girls call the U23 how old are you 20 to see I got it but there’s a lot of there’s a I don’t think it’s an age thing I think it’s an age thing plus I think I think everyone my age is definitely Stormtroopers came to your house and move you to the movie theater I missed you while you were being four years old when Star Wars came out at the orange Cinerama Dome and I remember my dad picking me up out of the theater and walking to the parking lot cuz I was crying when the Darth Vader came out for cock
what’s the big deal man I was raised Pakistani so you know how
nothing scarier than a big
question for you shower or bath you know I’m going to go with some of the audience members I enjoy a good shower bath now and again tonight I crumpled myself into a small field for me cuz you know I want or like there was two bath but you know showers that were that were I could stand up
it was a real taxing time for us
the combo is the best I have to say I’m not I’m not I’m not being patriotic about it but the combo I don’t get cuz when you’re the only reason I can finally take baths is because I bought a house that has those like sunken Dolly Parton bath in it like it’s it’s it’s very big and my giant I’m not as tall as Jeff or Spencer I’m six foot. And I often tried I’ve tried on the tour I was like Ali clay Karen would go bathroom yeah I’ll take a nice relaxing bath
Hanna-Barbera cartoon like my knees are next to my ears it’s silly it doesn’t nothing’s getting so prevent from my body from California right right never rains rains exciting a shower in the rain hitting you is like it’s like a visceral experience I do have one I always want to someday have a house or the entire ceiling is a shower so you can just kind of walk around everywhere I think I could handle that right now you’re like what the fuc and there’ll be like a crazy rich person thing where oh yeah yeah that’ll do a little so we can all agree let’s all be rich and live in Hawaii where they also the temperature doesn’t change that’s the other thing I’m going to shower now you’re going to contradict that
here’s the thing let me walk you through taking a shower
wow all your clothes
you got all your clothes I meant if you’ve just tuned in A Prairie Home Companion out of the fucking water wait for them to us of you walking me through a shower but also if you have to do that you don’t even start with me having my clothes on we can skip that this is exactly the point of everything that you take for granted you don’t understand what it’s like to be a bit me like like you you don’t get it and I doubt it just like like my clothes are on there already on it taking them off that’s a big deal
play kids it’s like all kinds of shit like like I’m taking all my clothes off I think I think everyone else in the room is like I can’t wait to get all these clothes out I’m like god dammit fucking another sock really to read I have
I am of course I talk I’m a late I’m a lazy person like a lazy lazy lazy thing on Insanity like soap so the thing that goes between that event like I wanted to be ritualistic and Thoreau I went my big pendulous first sign greasy nasty ass hoe balls be subjected
look we have a surprise guest here
meaning of the sound in Johnny Bear balls
we’re on the Wilderness they related to Bobcat Goldthwait
got it
wow I didn’t know we had guests tonight so that’s a reference that you guys should really grasp we remember that he was a guy that he
you know who he is but he was famous for walking out and in doing you know he’d stopped in and then it was his way of really squirting is musk is his way to carsyn I’ll just come over and crap right in your mouth during the broadcast I’m paraphrasing but Bob shower showers or baths showers or baths or showers and clean it cuz I took a bath but what is it the physical act of standing and being hit by water or is it the fact that people told you as a kid that you don’t shower you’re a bad man all of the above the worst people in the world the worst people do whatever want controlling society as the first purveyors of the information you need you need to get more showers
I wish I wish I didn’t have to go to school so I can take more showers and I’m just going like okay fucking asshole shower asshole shower beating me up cuz I don’t take shower and then I told you a liar it’s cooled hierarchy shower frequency reality but that was my emotional experience that’s exactly how I thought of it that the guys would go out and they throw a football as far as they could let it go
4545 building in 40 hours today and I feel like I can read everything but what if somebody said what what does the the captain of the football team said I prefer to soak in a nice leisurely bath I would probably be the world’s greatest tight end but or linebacker whatever it is connected
your own
god dammit
you’re making
you’re making Dan harmonize you
that’s exactly right all right where you are at life are you just sitting in the orange juice I don’t assume you don’t want to go down there and I don’t want to lose the purge yourself of any of my assistant I’m just going to put it back into me. The firewood pile at a secret
I enjoy being clean but not not not in terms with this like like these guys so it was three parts it was that and then it was the fact that okay here’s the deal when you turn in the shower okay and everyone go ahead Bob before you got here everyone already made fun of me for this the water hurts it stings it stings when it hits the surface of my skin
and I’m only going to say this one today if not for saying that out loud
in my head the whole body the skin hurts by the way
I wouldn’t be surprised to meet at all all the tubes lead the one place you have for sure that’s a big pyramid in space just pumping out things that have been an experience that the college has a nozzle that it was just like like being sand blasted to pieces on the shark came from but if you still up at 6 or 4 if you stopped on the shoulders and took out the first couple layers of skin so I think I just learned of contention is not diagnosing myself but I have and all my research like it is a symptom of it’s an it’s a spectrum of thing we’re like it’s like it you don’t you like tactile like stinging with the water in the thing but I’m not I’m not playing that card or I just did bro
message Amina shower is also and maybe have your back on in this it’s the Lifetime movie or you know where it’s like where you go after the rape
you and I are the same person you pick it up, balding fat white guy that happened oh
are you from Pakistan
what no I would have went with secret Pakistani
how can I say I didn’t know that they were called Brazil nuts yeah yeah yeah half of my family’s from Oklahoma those are not call Brazil nuts would you ever have a thing with how old do you want to have some Ono is that how you realized and aren’t we being racist to Brazilians have a word like if we were calling them like a black pattern
Long Beach pyramid shaped wrinkly all right I mean as an opportunity to get your racist agenda maybe they’re from Brazil I would look into it afterwards with nuts maybe from Brazil
I think they are Brazilian people of black people
I can’t I’m so sorry tonight so it’s kind of really look like that like it helps them. I’m sorry
can I see. Is that an actual
might might might my family cuz corn syrup poor people fuel
is it true they are you nuts
that’s right because it’s not only
a new feminism for men’s genitals it’s also how you describe mentally ill people and their like we’re just an excellent source of protein. No we never asked us to everybody back off I guess I kind of do although why wouldn’t you I guess maybe maybe in the Stone Age times the only thing lightly resembling that was like rocks and nuts with mr. peanut who’s the fanciest richest nut
there you said there was a thing when I was at the we take our nuts very seriously have to Fisher company that was a commercial back then they were like like could like we know the word knots mean crazy and balls but buys by artists like we they’re clean and they’re they’re good for you and we we we were still we’re not a bunch of crazy balls at the factory we’re just putting nuts in a jar that’s in your mouth yeah
but before we played D&D who who needs help in the audience tonight is there somebody is there anyway that needs help and shut up immediately
did you come and sit in the front row cuz you really needed time tonight what what what’s your name
did you want to come up and talk about the help that you need all right
getting really easy
I have to go to do it hiraldo style where I control the mic cuz there’s we’ve run out of Mike’s Sophie your name was what what’s what’s the problem
alright well okay so are you in college
how many votes for medical school by the way that’s not bad to get a lot of partying down at Medical School
I really wanted to be a plastic surgeon and now I think I want to do sketch comedy
wow
two very very nobly I will do in Hollywood you decided to go back and forth between the two of you always be like in the Acropolis of both of us could you combine the two like we need to knows
I need a cleft palate a cleft palate
will make you smile all right you’re at you’re at a crossroads right now you’re in what year of your college course with whatever you call it would be a
John Davis back there
and then I live in like maybe try this like acting thing if you were going to pursue acting you would go to Santa Barbara is that what you’re saying
I like a mess like I’m taking chemistry and I’m also taking drama and singing and then I can smell your parents stomach acid from here
I was just going to say I can smell the CW exact dreaming there fast metal singing medicine and Sophie
taken taken by a person if you could do anything what would you be a famous actress or a comedian on YouTube
you need to do that tonight you already are
now I’m confused you want to get on S then out to break into YouTube
so weird way around it but it’s alright
directions are for birds and baby you and I have neither heard that we can identify and help you with those other you’re cute you’re saying like like like you’re you’re in your blank year of college you’re thinking I would I would like to reconstruct people’s faces but I would also like to entertain people and end it was a fork in the road so what what I mean like like okay what’s the next choice you’re going to have to make if you choose one of the other
cool or not medical school at meet meeting that that that coming up you’re going to have to do what you’re going to have to fill out an application for a medical school or that you’re actually going to have to like like like alien to the territory okay so you need our help in deciding between the medical path in a performance bath is what is happening can I say I’m just going to ask someone who is also expected to become a doctor and now I am not a doctor why are you laughing
don’t bully her may go to know I’m not believe what I’m saying is this is what it seems to be happening is that your parents an expectation of you to be a doctor perhaps or an expectation you put on yourself based on people you think whatever it so then you later decided that you really wanted to be an actor and for you plastic surgery is sort of one step for in the medical field and one step in Showbiz it’s sort of our farm bar comedy comedy to be funny and entertain people that you’d get your passion is not for
for medicine that’s not for medicine you know I was thinking about the fact Patch Adams nicely played young man seems to be looking at Watchmen do you want to do you want to go to the show no no no I’m cool. Stay here happen if Batman girlfriend
you are his best man and his really want and I feel like such a heel but I do but I don’t do manic Robin I do Robin and the latest model
is it still running this morning yeah yeah that lovely lovely lovely lovely woman but let’s get back to Sophie
my initial reaction was actually I got hostile like I was like thinking about you know I mean like the cachet of no one’s ever said quick, everybody for a plastic surgeon but then I thought that I was being very hypocritical cuz the advice I give to everybody off and including my own daughter is that you got equipment you got to quit that you’ve got to do that you know it’s right at you want to do this sketch then you got to do it and it may seem selfish but it’s actually really Brave no one else the ones behind you right now but it sounds but it’s where your heart really is and in two weeks you might say I made a big mistake and all this stuff and it’s okay to keep quitting you keep quitting and you keep keep quitting alter your life and eventually end up someplace where you don’t want to leave
all right thank you Sophia and I would I would rather I would rather sit in the front row of a of a show and watch a person who might have been a doctor do bad comedy then be under the knife of somebody that would really
the healthy part of the idea that because we have money and because anything that you can do can generate money the idea is that unlike on monarchies anything that you want to do you can figure out a way to make money doing it the idea wasn’t that your parents and give you a bunch of money and then they tell you what you’re supposed to do and then you end up doing that even though you don’t quite want to do it because that’s what a poor person doesn’t know the shit like the idea was supposed to be fucking figure out a way like what’s your passion I like cutting up roadkill and taking it that little squirrel skulls and gluing them to my forehead and just jumping up and down
the party corner. There’s got to be a way to make that worth something if there isn’t then you try as hard as you can and now that kickstarter’s here I buy there’s a to like wasn’t even about bread I was thinking about how you help people but I wrote it but I’m so super villain
making maiming people Mengele and The Riddler of got together and but you really do have to be true to yourself that you know of or or you will be eating out I’m 50 and I rent in the valley and I’ve never been happier in my life you know your career has been so interesting and so awesome you had so many sort of different things you’ve done and nobody could have predicted no offense watching you and police academy in pain like somebody is going to be an awesome director was a really good point of view and like really really like dark off at Muvico
what was the award that you just want to know so you got something you got some act like that but whatever there wasn’t that many good movies this year it was easier
I know yeah and I had lunch with Bob and I was telling what do you know about that Charlie Kaufman thing we didn’t kick starter was like it’s as if there’s ever been a director that was like made match made for a Kickstarter project like if you showed up on that radar and said anybody got got ten bucks and making this thing that I want to make I bet you would make like like like like Italy crowdfund you because you you’ve got this track record love obviously you only do exactly what you want to do and that’s all anyone wants to pay to see within the studio system but at least you’re watching somebody that like you’re like holy shit like I’m definitely watching whatever Quentin Tarantino wanted to do and not everybody gets to do that it is have major theatrical distribution but I’m always trying to figure out his formula being creative and then yeah and then but I’m not jealous I’m more fascinated
I feel like everybody I’m a huge fan but I was thinking so we had a slave burned down to Plantation a ragtag team of Nazis kill Hitler I’m thinking the next is somebody stopped the plane from hitting a building
I was going to go with a group of a scrappy group Altar Boys kill the Pope
retire there we got pictures
Bravo Executives burnt out a Chick-fil-A literally did the movie like these issues they overcharged like a hot rod engine in a way that makes it go
yeah but you’re super happy watching it it didn’t when you said that. I would love to see that is a big favor double edged sword you came up here you soaked up your accolades big Funny Bob Hope Cameo dragons have to say
and I’m with an open mind but when I went to the homecoming show at the Egyptian when you did this part I I couldn’t have been more lost that was all over the kitchen menu I don’t know what it will try my best that’s all I can do with my eyeballs but I did not actually reading anything on them I’m just nervous
yeah this is going to I just did it for the first time last week and it didn’t make any sense to me so just sort of go with it happens and he has days and he has an encyclopedic knowledge of rules to guide him but you tell him in a turn-by-turn basis like what it is you want to do available to you and if it’s something hard for you to do it he’ll roll the dice and you’ll find out the outcome of that is a crack Spencer and shoots arrows she just last week she plugged in under a horse
you’re in love with me under a horse you shoot arrows Spencer if you would get us up to date
last time he rose hit split up Sharpie and mulrain possessed with compassionate Spirits charged off on Coco the animal companion along just length of the infinite fish in the hopes this is a run-on sentence of finding the fish willing tribe of humans and a halfling in the wreckage of the fish but the pair didn’t realize the truly infinite nature of the infinite fish and soon grew tired drift by Passion in a sense of Daring heroism the couple copulated in the shade of their great horse
meanwhile cork ran into a progress blocking Thicket in the forest a massive wall of trees believing traps to be about he stood stock-still allowing him to hear the approach of yet another stranger Chris de Burgh the song
go to caught up on recent happenings and bounced ideas for song titles off each other for a Time throughout it
the great song
he also is a think that’s so true I know maybe I’m feeling a sharp and more rain who bathing in the Afterglow decide that the fish dwelling folk of the infinite fish were probably fine and charge swiftly towards the exact location the party said off following Christopher their Newfound guide for this old growth
how do you do a dresser
so you’re caught up right that all made sense now I understand
that’s all we’re going out after I think all the soul of gross and I and I’m I’m following my new my new found possibly friend Chris de Burgh writer of the lady in red great time see you heard that song right he’s good with a bow and a dagger as well that’s good to know trying to go back to The Well of writing songs about women in various shades of clothing women and white women I think it was a dude and Scarlett was one of them feel like they haven’t really hit as hard as I didn’t know you’re all together following Chris de Burgh muscle growth in the immediate surroundings as you walk you noticed the purple tinge of the sky beginning to Ripple and change the floating like giving orbs of Des Plaines he’s shiting their brilliant light and one by
1 begin winning winking out of existence
just took nighttime the sky changes to deep red and the Shadows grow teeth I think it’s a raspberry John should be flattered oh because I was listening to the last couple episodes and realize that during the various blackout drugs that occur at the segment in the show that I acquired a book of fiery writing right is a book of bloody writing voice that describes your surroundings
similar to your spell book but you know also different radiate strong power I think you noticed that 1 points and you you wanted it and it’s probably some sort of artifact you couldn’t read the language do I think it’s a Spellbook you think it’s some form of Spellbook or if it was if if you could read it read it he can read music can Chris de Burgh read to my companions and I know anybody anybody received this language look look look with your eyes not with your hands that’s clearly a duck I speak no ma’am, but doesn’t seem to be when I get when I can speak note
yeah I can do that
you dragon
you’re not you’re not just a songwriter you’re a bloody book reader
I got a lot of Medtronic you could read this book but you couldn’t read the pulse of the of the people laughter you’re pretty well at least he said you can read the writing in red it’s all blood as long as it’s a red colored I’m the king of it it’s just the lyrics to my son
had to turn the page child sorry you recognize them to be magic words do not being a wizard you can’t really clean their true meaning of wizards what language magic key language the language they speak in Pakistan
better he had his ass that’s why you got my head I don’t know I don’t I don’t know how to read it I don’t know how to read it right yeah well I mean you know you know like it would stay like Abracadabra you know like you could read it but I will know he have to leave the spell the word that part of that I take it back
if you are a magician if you’re a wizard I can read the words and then you can repeat them and then make the magic happens yeah the other like a Xeno studying partners and work through the book and then you could learn the secrets with them real actually I’ve begun to assemble a study group of
unlikely Misfits
including a
middle eastern savant
you pulled back the curtain
yeah breakfast I like it in the woods and fuck it
that’s that’s fine that’s Beckett have a history sensual
what do you need a stool to get up to the right height are you letting it because you a handstand
I fight I take my sword and chop down a tree in front of stuff just high enough for me to stand on him fuck errands or something I am I can’t find my horse
oh it’s okay I’m sure nobody’s fucking it
can go walk around and see if I can find my horse cocoa
you hear the sounds of grunting and name
Coco
it kind of looks like you chop down a tree to get tall enough to spot the horse
all right that is exactly what it looks like
keenly knowledgeable about nature and I am upset that you did this to a tree
DND Master back of the horse is a horse
imagine it it can do it in the hardest take a nap and time passes and hopefully and Greg have decoded the book at this point well it is long but I will say that you’ve decoded a couple pages and might be able to cast off a spell or two
well I eat that would be fine however as night had fallen before you guys cut me off you hear the low moaning all around you I’m some approaching a horse a horse in the throes of orgasm
no several several low moans all around you far away
pretty far away I hear some horse moaning
I hear more cocoa
I hear I hear you how you make a Horseman
you chop down a tree
can we can we can Sharpie and Chris de Burgh hey I think you’re ready to try a spell against these guys hold on we don’t know who these guys are up to get a literal bird’s eye view Avenger Avenger is Hawkeye for those of you first time podcast listeners
Avenger lion speak
watching from your RN in my bed Dru takes to the air soon he’s past the canopy of thick trees
that’s me that’s my Hawk way of saying keep doing what you’re doing you assume he’s circling around getting the lay of the land and soon he returns Adventure what see you it’s pretty tough to see through a forest but it is known as
dude you’re not going to lot of attitude you have learned too much as a bird but sarcasm remains a human do man I’m not yours is still still talking but I managed to see at least 20 what look to be gray humans are approaching the fuck out of here I’ve never been more cowardly there are 20 I relayed this information to the writer of lady in red and gray price you got a fucking you get a fucking let go man it just comes to me you know
nothing comes to you man why you hung up name a color
name a colors name of War everything doesn’t have to be a color or a person wearing a color you’re just changing a word it’s a mad lib sometimes they change two words
cuz it’s another was Lady in Red.
there’s an army of 20 great people coming I assume their you don’t hear them and seems that they’ve been quiet ever since that moaning started tonight after a Time the squirrel approaches
what are you looking to do next if you’ve already fucked the horse twice
give me the nut I’m in a hurry what’s up hey hey hello
why do they call these on this plane has squirrels can I have that nut on one condition scroll I’ll give you the whole sack of nuts and examine this Army and find out if they’re friends or foes I’m not doing that those are fucking zombies he’s answered the question these are bad zombies
all right what do we know about zombies in D&D World Walking Dead just came out it’s not why but in the magic the D&G if you hit him in the head they don’t die there’s stitched together by Magic so they’ll they’ll keep fighting and Sharpie have I don’t know very much about do I look in my of a stacker or something right probably you have knowledge of various subjects so I know dude I know these little big eyes
you know you know a thing or two about zombies There’s a slower than us not particularly.
Bad pitch walk in the opposite direction I am going anywhere anyway how many zombies 2020 that Avenger claims to have seen but you know through a forest that’s pretty and it’s also only if he has Avenger can come between us and the soul of growth that you don’t have a beat of their exact Direction and various directions ohyeah but is it limited by what is it limited they think you know two spells were there two spells listed on that sheet they should have been on on the on the page behind that on the right side bar I left my other sheet in the other part of the forest I think I’ll talk to plants summer and Cancers
Nature’s Ellie was the sitcom in tangle and Tangle the zombies there’s something I need from all of you
one of you needs to stop fucking my horse
no names I don’t think I am currently stalking the squirrel over here I should mention you critical failed that squirrel thought
so you sprained your story of my life
please don’t go to school
and I for I am Tangled the zombies and Vines and leaves I also I need someone to give me Avenger as a pet
it heard me baby I don’t understand you already have a horse Rancher
what what what what we’re we were lovers right I know but I don’t trust where this is going and I think I’m more nurturing
this is for Avengers not about you
I have to give up my Hawk exchange for a tangle spell prevents zombies from all the other and I don’t need you to help me okay can I see about colors is what I need from you all right I got a new one Cortana horse Chris de Burgh help me decipher that town do I know what kind of spell it B can you remember that spell that you cast to try and find your father where you cut yourself spell alert so you could find something find father
it brings your dad around yeah I just reduced to create emotional Arc
or just bums you out some of the forest to entangle the zombies anything that I can do I have stuff
knowing knowing is knowing that my girlfriend is in a phase right now and that she’ll probably give the hot back later I give it to her all right and I wink at Avenger in a way that goes women
and I wake I wake up in a way that says I’m going to fuck you later
this is why I learn to speak to animal Mister Little Miss a lot I really am going to ask you to do more of your songwriting at all it is going to have to give up the scale if you have no power over me know I don’t but if you want me to use my power to make the Sony TV right now you took the hawk you’re taking the one thing I’m good at
writing songs about people in various colors of clothing is trying to help you write better songs you you stuck in a rut right now cuz all right
all right I’ll just let it go I won’t the zombies are getting closer
I want write a new song for like a little while alright now I’m going to all the trees The Vines
and shrubs doing tango
the army of
zombies zombies Avengers really bad with me at least 20 at least 23 stopped
touching the trees around you they begin to contort and twisting to life they wrap and Wade and anger and combats and stuff
determining whether it’s working
I’m determining if he’s working a basketball practice cuz I’m breaking the illusion that’s that’s no fun to tell entangle much of the zombies you feel them being held fast and I feel I mean assume is happening pretty far off it’s not hear you if you said can I ask you a question how high will it take me up whatever you designate will float slowly I think it’s like 20 ft per round and then once I’m up there like here’s the bottom line gun turret you know where I’m up in the air and I’m going mother
magic Missile laying like zombies okay to hold levitation so you could attempt it but you have a chance of failing the spell or falling out of the sky is really something in this book that’s going to help us here know it’s a little find my dad it’s gay
or maybe the first spell is in the best one and you guys working
where do you buy the book is zombies happened that’s not on me like
we made the zombies know that happens like somebody’s dad showed up anyways there’s a there’s a second what’s the second spell it’s called it’s called a kill zombies it’s called blood blade
the blade of blood potentially it’s a blade of blood potentially what is that mean you don’t know I mean
it’s red I don’t handle this not to write a song about it things are like my wheelhouse
I agree send Christopher can you sing a song about zombies and red that are so boring that kills all the zombies you know I should have made you a fucking barred because they can like do that but you’re well enough
zombies are fucking zombies that wouldn’t make sense so do we know what the blood sword spell is because I have an idea get the idea that I could like slice something perhaps a photo or enemy couldn’t give a zombie back at the soul maybe you don’t know that it can’t can I cuz then they would suddenly be burdened with Humanity again in a minute Good Will Hunting wasn’t good
it’s just it just the font was fancy
can I have you called that movie guys hanging out I’d hate it I start performing my Lutz in hopes that Krista Berg sings the song that that charms the zombies I can throw my platinum record Adams
one of them records don’t exist man there’s wax cylinders I’m sure that still works in D&D world that are already entangled do the ones that are free and coming out as good idea as it happens three breakthrough of the undergrowth the ones that just broke through definitely get those
they seem intent on going to be happening are you going to be able to I’m going to make
are you casting or incantation one of the zombies manages to bite you in the arm after that happens you’re still goes off
I I climb a tree I use my plan was to climb the tallest tree around us that happens and then using my forests or die spin around a Lamppost and I swing around using my forests or to take a swing around and aim at all the zombies and try to get one for assorted sweep and kill as many zombies as I can
as the spell blood blade goes off your far sword does as well a blade of are in a blade of blood fly through the area
hey you should have told us to document the fucker you guys but we couldn’t even see it it’s a plate of dealing 13 and 16 damage to two of the zombies slicing them into pieces
price of guy diamond
Factory. Hey I have a bow and arrow right yeah you do can I shoot an arrow at one of the zombies
what do you mean don’t shoot the phone
I have $100 in one hour so I’m pretty sure I know how this works make whatever you do with that bow count all right I shoot an arrow into the neck of one of the remaining zombie and it takes 7 damage
how many are left at zombie is left the rest are entangled at the so it didn’t die I didn’t quite die maybe you should sing to it
do they summon monster to turn Tangled in the most amount of most literally the most wrong answer
I’m so sorry everyone why I’m telling you whatever you read in the book let me hear a centipede a spider or snake finish wolf I feel like it’s boring but it’s effective
like soda like lady in red with a pool
Let It Go Chris de Burgh
with a plume of smoke and the smell of sulfur a black dark looking wolf with red eyes truths into being and lunches for the remaining zombie tearing the throat at the zombie lights Lane in Tangled zombies potentially the rest of them could get out if you give them long and we should go to the place that I know that the sort of growth is at its if we if we already drove by
nothing. It’s just there’s a lot of Dunkin Donuts in this area so as you travel the trees gets thinner and give way to smooth flat stone tiles the floor Pierce ancient as part of some long past civilization I think we’re going the right way
I think we should thank Bob Goldthwait and Kumail nanjiani for coming by.
Bob Goldthwait are you should do you should take a break. I don’t I don’t I don’t say it to a random hippo pooping require your presence I like it a lot like I’m not like like like me by myself because I’m self actualized perfect because I’ve become like part man part god kind of boring like I got a little like I don’t care exciting people exciting people coming by look how much fun we have and look how look how it dies when they leave it on that sounds like
I’ve got a hundred and fifty hostages
and I say that I was like whatever I want to write right now 5 minutes I’m just saying like
play Kemal by Pitbull kills me more than it feels you they loved it doesn’t that’s not that’s not their fault that you don’t blame Moses for coming down from the mountain going off
Ten Commandments been somewhere he’s contacted something yeah he’s been to Mount Sinai and spoken to the Yahweh what do we do to close the show I know what what do we do
rap I heard rap
Dance Off Johnny Cash Johnny Cash
Johnny Cash Johnny Cash dance-off rap
bird songs
yeah I don’t know
let’s not keep the floor up in this long
what’s Takin some people did you have a good time to get with which of the gate that you’re the gay friend right of the straight friend of Stephanie your name is Connor Connor any of the three of you okay by the time does Sarah’s no one’s going to go like
I don’t want to do no fucking thing up out with me I’m going to bring my gay friend and then we’ll have to see whether he gets along with that’s all my gay friends
what’s that I can’t remember the names of my friends that I don’t know how this will end
scary something different this time Jazz it’s been a fantastic shows a new harmontown it’s a rebirth we’re like for a Transformer fans Megatron turned into what was his name Ulfric Galvatron I was going to say Altra try on your new villain but you know what is Optimus Prime give us garbage terrible person use this in your darkest and stupid dumb guy hero babes is what I’m saying
a hero dunks himself down and. Hot liquid comes up change every Saturday
all right all right now we’re going to do this right as if we’ve had a great show perfect time limit like we’re going to fucking nail this want this is going to be one for the record books Jeff this is going to be the I don’t know say the Dungeons & Dragons episode of yo yo yo yo yo yo yo freestyle rapping wrapping up off the top of my head
put a compress
you didn’t hear me when I said putting in bread that’s what I said instead you open up your cupboards look inside you see a cup you pull it out and you take liquid fill it up and you drink it down goes into you tell me and then you sit with your mama play gin rummy sitting on the table I didn’t know you could play I didn’t say I was able but I beat this bitch cuz she’s so old that her but she has an extra Stitch not poop is brown
scintillating Spirit be coming through my body and I didn’t even fear it said it like your mama said fuk me your mama so hard she was a duck knee that’s a new word that I made up it means a kind of person wants to get fucked with your house that are you a hug me she said who me I said yeah you she said yeah me and went inside to the foyer a hung my hat butter pussy fucked your titties but your ass sick about that your daddy was at work maybe he should reprioritize jerk turn that frown upside down what’s your name
Christian wearing a brown jacket it’s actually black but you can’t see it pack it pack it to word
open a turd turd goes into the toilet goes down goes into the sewer pipe goes all around goes to this place where they turn poop into water comes out of the faucet in the drunken by your sons and daughters put it into their tummies and they poop it out and they go oh that was so yummy don’t you see the lines open your mouth open your eyes I have a Danielle use all of your magic powers and tell us what you’ve learned about the difference between baths and showers when you yeah yeah yo when you go into the tub and you stand still you can’t water comes out but it’s like Hank Hill it just stands there it’s on the are forever and it sprays off your body if there’s no Endeavor when you soak inside some hot goo that then it makes you a whole new you when you go into it it’s like getting baptized and you come out you you’re you’re a dick
giant to go surprise
extra clean an extra charm and I’ve never had that but yeah I know that you’d rather be alive and dead but tell me if you would a doctor but you want to be a comedian instead then I tried to go to UCB and get an extra trophy had to try to get shot by Matt besser and if I couldn’t do that I’d go to somewhere lesser like like I owe West it’s a good place it’s not the best but you can still learn some shit and go to the tested he could get on stage and if you if you can’t do improv you can be in a cage match it says it’s a good place for a work shop but it’s kind of like the equivalent of pig slop but you pay $500 and then they tell us it might be better to have a high five the gay guy that’s where the clear
I’ve always tried to do things with just an extra cultural line they try to put it on the cocktail Rim does it matter if you fuck out her a fuck that him, I don’t think so I doubt it I really did Rihanna
once again, Jeff Davis and your mayor Dan Harmon
thank you you’re wonderful and beautiful will probably see you at the drawing room on Melbourne and Hillhurst
remember this could all day
when I