Episode
Episode: 115 – Oh, the Blimpery!
Description
Dolphins are bad, Jews are great as learn with comptroller, Rick & Morty writer Ryan Ridley! Then for the first time we welcome our hilarious friend Dave Horwitz to the stage who you all now can begin to fall for. In D&D, its really funny.
Transcript
what is the gentlemen welcome to harmontown
I’m your guest comptroller Ryan Ridley and please welcome to the stage then mayor of Hermantown
thank you come strolling Ridley thank you
pleasure to have you here thank you for having me thank you for the sugar cube song it’s a very intimate friend back what’s the what’s the worst thing you think you might say something that I think is going to be funny and then it’s not funny say the funniest thing you can think of right now
let’s just live through let’s just live through the nightmare
what’s the funniest thing about pickles that you could even think of
my god well now I have to admit something I’ll do it I’ll do a reverse improvised knock-knock joke who’s who’s there
who’s there god dammit the better be pickle
I’ve been on my way waiting for a pickle
the start from the pickle why are you here
Vlasic mr. blaszczyk is that his name
how are you I had a great I ordered pickles I didn’t know the story I was just
what’s it about
stereotype guys do that and then six hours later
Theodore is so much this season
Stringer Bell
I guess they’re trying to prove which is obviously the case which is a very good writer and they don’t they’re not drug dealer dependent 4 hours later they change
Holly I’m going to try to emulate
emulate the wire on a sitcom
I got some bones to pick out a high-energy I hope you wanted for your birthday me picking pop-cultural bones that’s the name of my segment
Brian doesn’t have an iPad or anything so there’s no I want your girlfriend to come and play violin for the segment she didn’t bring her her violin Brian’s girlfriend’s violinist she’s like an accomplished violinist like she’s like third fourth chair
Echoes by Defcon so that’s better than the first chair first violin you’re in trouble or is about to happen you don’t want to be that for the fourth chair is good they still called a fiddle at for a chair and then it becomes down slowly work your way to a violin and then and then you jump forward to the timpani
where did Ben Folds is at the Hollywood Bowl and I was why he works really well with these weren’t just cousin stuff and watch YouTube all night cuz I was like man like your girlfriend
and I am very comfortable around women and musicians like so she’s double trouble for me in front of a crowd of about about about about okay okay don’t know but it’s like the guy he’s sitting back symbols in this page
Ed Edd n Eddy turns a page in the DM starts at 8 for professional he is he like a massive drummer like like like I said he’s like a fucking the LA Phil is you know hard to get into so I’m honored to play just one part of the drum kit for such a prestigious band but come see me tonight with fuck face at spaceland
I will spread those fucking skins man
does a whole life over a simple and then he drops it
Mike
and my and my cuz I I just conducted all right the fucking what do you want a simple Symphony you want me to write like a concerto for a symbol
the Armature thank you for clapping the president of the Lost cauze Department all right so I think enough time has passed now to talk about this and I don’t think I’m going to talk about it in sensitively
z
don’t you think it was a little weird I think thoughtful with weird when Princess Diana died and Elton John just said oh this songs about her too
is Marilyn Monroe time there’s like literally in the song is like that your name was Norma Jean and you changed it to Marilyn Monroe
the song about you
Island Princess Diana died and he’s like also Princess Diana
you’re also a Candle in the Wind it’s not we didn’t start the fire but he probably didn’t like princess died he probably was probably that good
he just I fucking I’m just going to make some history about me I’m Billy Joel and Elton John I don’t know what a cool move to be like like the song itself even when he would even want it was just about Marilyn Monroe this isn’t a rhetorical question if I’m wrong I’m wrong is it kind of a dick move to have your whole time because he’s he’s he’s like I didn’t know you I was too young
you’re old and you’re dead and then also like your your candle blew out long before your Legend ever did you tell why is that even remarkable thing to say also try rubbing your like you’re you’re you’re a corpse now but people heard of you
the hunt
I’m sure if I’m sure Marilyn Monroe zombie would be like yeah but I’d rather be a live I’d rather I’d rather my candle not have burnt out
he’s not even that I think it was just a song about how he’s at he’s just like
brag about that
I am princess guy dies and he’s like guess what new song
all right. Obviously you guys disagree or are 25 fine I really thought
as I know that’s probably no sorry
okay so these are all secondary to that topic I think I’m going to like this one better
I got picked up from the airport
don’t be sarcastic. You don’t know who Elton John is maybe we were too young you were too young to be singing about when you sang about being too young to know somebody that died
seems to me you lived your life making one the song about multiple people
I would have liked to be mad about it but I was just a kid when you were irrelevant
that song was already annoying is before everyone else you made it about
I always ask a driver so I can make small talk and I know what the drivers like to talk about I was asked him who’s the most famous person or just the most famous person just keep tell me some of the stuff out that drove in your car I know it’s like a car guy you know they drive people are in La definitely sometimes you hero Alan Alda was a really nice guy Bruce Willis was mean to me or something like that kind of fun this guy said he has any any cell service there’s a Revere famous there’s a red door at LAX you can be taken to
it’s like a VIP door I guess that’s why you never see Harrison Ford like getting frisked at the airport and he doesn’t just have a private jet. Frank langella once that he’s like purple door but but like I guess there’s a red door I don’t know I might tell you more about it what’s it look like
he said I pulled him up to a thing and it was like a red door and I guess there was red I just want to know you know what’s up with the red door I told you it was worse than the all right so I had a barbecue today saying goodbye to my sister Dee and yellow who’s moving on to be a mother
I know I thought I already hired a new assistant I’m sorry
I mean I get to pick up creme Dela creme man I’m talking to people like yeah I used to roll joints for so until I’m like okay, yeah well what have you done for me lately
yeah I’m picking up picking from the from the pros okay not that you sir are not
so I had a goodbye party for her and there were balloons we got a tank of helium and it looks exactly like a propane tank and errands I can you put that over there and my back was going to be a bummer and I went and picked it up tanks of helium and very life
it’s like a metal tank something lighter than air
I was so Overjoyed by that
it’s like a joke it’s like a cartoon like I said we make it lighter than the tank if it was empty because it’s lighter than air if you put enough helium into
it’s a dirigible right that says
their tanks of helium or later you guys should have but you guys should have been more into the Candle in the Wind stuff
I could have done it 30 minutes on it but you do I had a sand bar with you I moved on I moved on to shut you deserved it
what’s in a blimp that hydrogen hydrogen helium really know a lot of people survived the Hindenburg cuz it just jumped off for the ground
literally like the 16 people died
do the overhead
do the insurance paperwork
fantasize about with a plane crash people actually died on the Hindenburg like I can just jump off and they looked up and saw an entire blind burning up the entire thing in there like they wouldn’t let us do it
I’m going to I’m going to hang out that’s the part of the belief that no one uses its much as hydrogen
people panic too much tell Ryan is a half Irish half Jewish not half Irish half not Jewish German other stuff that’s
if I was half Irish and I wouldn’t focus on the Jewish part so much cuz Irish compete with that identity nothing I’m like a bunch of random other European I mean your bed that you told me you’re not Irish right half Irish half polish half Cherokee you wish and it was it was a bit like the idea that it was a
Brian is half-jewish half-irish I could to the extent that that’s true I’m fully Irish and we have our friend Dave Horwitz who I think is full-blown to Absolute Full Tilt actually 77.7 Star of David
there’s just an extra one there for just for safety and I thought we’d have him stand on one side and the other questions that we would give you advice from each side and it’s like once you explained that Bennett over like that like doing it isn’t isn’t it doesn’t it doesn’t really work and it depends on you guys to the most obvious like that Dave Horwitz can you come up are you here okay
I think you like what are you you’re not just you really Jewish
how do you say the right there where I’m at right now
my hands are Italian
TV writer yeah that’s not really there no Italian TV writer so I called you can’t even like it I’d say like the most the most have you ever seen a more Jewish thing than this nose and these eyebrows it’s a very bad podcast bit but Google Google image search me right now yeah
you’re a handsome man like maybe like a Band-Aid
did Silver Lake. You know maybe like an indie label was may be interested in Eugene Levy’s band Craig all right so let’s just try this hack bit okay so
someone asked how does it work situation for for Ryan
a topic a topic
hot condoms okay condoms okay all right so Ryan the topic is condoms
all right I got it I got it all right
I am I am at my place with a woman just brought her home don’t know her
wait how did it go down hold on what did you say what did you say to her to get her back to your place what do you want I mean what would it say
cousin got a real question a Jewish person might say like hey I have that Woody Allen PBS documentary maybe we’ll get to the second part that man the first breaks like 2 hours I’m going to he’s going to wait until the first hours over to put you and Larry Schwartz today due to take him some bar skis
cereal guy
I just think you should just take her down to the ocean end
watch it not compromise
rub two lumps of coal together
to symbolize
unmitigated freedom
should I use a condom I guess it’s the Irish children
Christian Jewish person would tell you to wear like the tight like we’re too weird and have her wear onesies as there are have her be in another room when you’re having sex
I’m definitely more Jewish
I want to know what else could you call it I used to talk to Jetro I was at when you started to watch you start to become an increasingly Jewish like it was like you were you were like Eric Stoltz in the fly to if you were a normal kid and then you started climbing the walls a little bit
I think you just started going to shoot and knowledge in judeo-christian mythology in particular that we had a lot of interesting provocative conversation and then you and then you’re like I’m going to Israel and I’m like
see you when you get back
a mythology
are the rides man
you have to be this High to whale at this wall
New York Yankees
yeah I don’t know I do I was just losing a friend at a distance relationship I’m not going to Skype with you with your little beard in your tassels or whatever I do like for a show I did that I had you send a recording I pretended it was a Skype conversation in a video yeah I don’t know
he had a fight he looks like fucking it’s amazing but like like it’s it’s like I guess it is like that about the plane when you see is that the right term in order that action like walking in that neighborhood and could you see the Indiana Jones hat in the beard and a witness imma shoot you know that but my Skype thing and it was like he looked was real and I think I threw on a jacket cuz I brought a suit but I mean I found that hat just laying around literally all there’s seven of them
I’ve I’ve never been to Israel but I’m pretty sure that they like pull some kind of weird like mystical voodoo on you to make the like Bateman’s we make you grow the beard like my brother went on Birthright which is like a free trip you can go on up till I think 26 and he wasn’t religious at all and he talked I feel so bad for him cuz he got swindled cuz it’s such a sweetheart but he called me was like 4 a.m. his time and he went she was like yeah it’s the motherland and I was like what what’s up with you beautiful what happened you like this woman told me that I reminded her of her son who is fighting in the Golan Heights I look on our you got swindled how much money does your friend and she’s like she gave me this pendant she said it was his and she said I wanted I want you to have
I was like how much how much he’s like he was $350 and I just took another pendant and put it on the thing is if you remind me of my son is a lot of people there look like our son I mean it’s a
and she just has a box of her son stuff she’s not really swindling people to just talk if you see another guy never mind.
you would have wanted you to have it
but he would have wanted you to pay me $350 please like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, never misses that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and black venomous each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes related my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Blackstone up with Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
this episode of harmontown is brought to you by Fulton and Roark Jeff you’re sick of us bill in all your colognes all over the place you hate liquid clones that correct it’s my Nemesis and it’s the thing that gives me Nightmare dreams all night long I can’t remember how many times I’ve walked in on you just just covered in sticky wet cologne I have traveled and broken a bottle of the cologne that I wear and then my luggage smells like a French whorehouse for the rest of time yeah but full network is a men’s fragrance and grooming company that specializes in solid cologne shave and shower products all designed to make getting ready easier and more enjoyable now when you say solid cologne do you mean like solid in the Jazz sense like wow that would be Jazz solo was solid you know I do mean that but I also mean physically solid as well alone that travels in a little small package that I can’t spill all over my luggage and smell like a Mexican house so I can go anywhere
nothing to breaker spill and of course they all smell fantastic like a Mexican tit house
I mean there’s different levels of Mexican I mean there’s there’s there’s the high quality ones there’s the ones that you wish you didn’t go to write is one of their fragrances called Mexican 10 house was designed to exfoliate the skin with or without a washcloth also you don’t even have to touch it, sand desert in the night well that’s amazing that’s that’s literally unbelievable magazine just names are shave cream the very best on the market today so yeah I knew that was why would you ask me who my asking this guy you go to this house it’s like an episode of Hoarders so many back issues of GQ magazine there and I got to tell you my house is made out of bricks of cologne wax-based Kelowna Health yeah yeah try it yourself at Fulton work. Come and save 15% off your purchase by using the code Ferrall f e r a l at checkout at verily check out smell good for once you
fucking bums. Melin good
Fulton and Roark time to get your stink on off get your bad stink up and get your good thing on Fulton and Roark not by men different Corporation by Fulton and Roark from lack of Mythology lack of Rites of Passage we have confirmation maybe kind of something a lot of kids out here probably had confirmation that they were ETA is south of some people get got drunk and had to go hunt with their dads and kill a deer maybe I think that’s probably a thing of the past most of us got in a fight with someone on prom night but but
of the Theology and Judaism like hasn’t like trucks made it less functional like that’s what I like as a Jew if I’ll whatever the word is like I am always jealous of the fact that I can have they figured it out they got they got a religion where they believe in an entity that they can have one foot in one foot out they can get their shit done the focus is on community and family it’s not busy at based on this McDonald’s like pay fucking wait who said you can have one here’s your here’s your Big Mac maker what the health department close
what word has it there’s no Vatican in Judaism there’s no like it’s not like subway you know it’s not like this is a great company
that being able to shoot outdoors in season 6 may be totally reliant on so I didn’t
actually I think I would probably say they wouldn’t say this but they were is it there actually are there like a disbanded group of franchises like they’re not and that there isn’t like a central Capital where where it’s like I’m mr. Storage. Helping me Subway’s more Jewish than Christian
is there 12 Subway employees in in one place that’s a minion you can make new rules for Subway
I think that’s really cool and you know when you if you bring a baby into Subway they will cut his little Weiner and suck the blood with their mouth
remind remind
Community like the cool Christian Church that plays guitar
that was a friend of mine named Jacey
yeah they’re like well I guess that’s the thing Judaism and Christianity have in common they always bury the lede
it’s generally probably goes christian shows for kids
your parents to do whatever you want
I’m going to tell you I know the guy who wrote the book on being radical
113 pheasant
Daddy’s Girls came out to meet them all when I was like 16 or like hey do you want to go to party now do I ask
that was the big thing in my neighborhood Brown Deer Wisconsin it was but the lock ends like the cutest girls in advertising this thing like I didn’t know it was just a natural organic think it was up it was like some studly dude with a guitar and long hair like all the girls have crushes on him he sends them out like Zach let’s let’s fucken let’s just hang out tomorrow we got to lock the doors you know for because
not not because everyone’s going to want to leave once I reveal why were actually there is non rocking people can’t get in after midnight and I will give you a script there everywhere I mean it’s like like like you I’m sure by Applause how many people went through a small Christian phase in their teenage years you don’t know if it’s actual it’s alright it’s are Israelites are
Persian face now
has anyone been to a bar mitzvah or they had to blow up inflatable saxophones inflatable saxophones is my religion
how many Jews are in the audience
is your mother
what is of course because there before a paternity test before modern society if you did know for sure where you came from the mother side proofing it right told me cuz there’s a lot of Roman soldiers if you go if you go by paternal lineage you can start to fudge the books but it but it’s hard to fake a birth goes by the mother’s side of your if your have to attend your mom said you’re allowed to just go I’m I’m totes Jewish sorry about my dad getting in there but it won’t happen again I will carry this yeah
I will go on JJ’s and I will Jewish mother versus Jewish father creates a real like school days Schism what do you mean Spike Lee school days
coincidence
to have Jews whose mother Jewish can has like you’re not you’re just a half Jew biologically side have to look down their noses on their prodigious by taking me a long time to look down this note so know that I mean it when I say it motherfuker
was looking down his nose at me the other day
had to take a break halfway through a glass of water
that nose thing I guess I’ve see I guess I know what that guy said I’m seeing the nose thing but that you’re looking at those clothes you have Eugene Levy eyebrows that you don’t have
crazy that’s something a body knows is unusually
finish my I like that you know what kind of face blindness self-diagnosed aloofness maybe I just don’t see noses
how could you miss it is embarrassing because it’s 74% Jewish more temples and churches and I got to school and college and nobody like I’ve everyone I talked to his like you were like, and they would be sought for half a second with you like the third person in the whole such like my old anti-Semitism just be like a kid on my floor super drunk so you don’t Christmas is like not hahaha
do I get to like the you don’t do you know we don’t I don’t my family doesn’t do me a fucking suck up to the other way around talking about a bunch of white people playground bully hear this weird word that didn’t mean anything and then you and then you go to college and you meet someone that okay so what that you asked him a bunch of weird questions but if you hadn’t been if you didn’t grow up around them you would get there which would be mildly racist because of your strange mr. acted like he king of truth and the well-rounded
observe like I do not ever with the last name ends in like with sir Steiner like a gold had use all right hey Dan
but I don’t usually serve it but you’re doing great
way to go Ryan Ryan Ridley
hi Auntie this was for this was for Angie’s birthday
Angie’s been Moonlighting another podcast series
but we’re always happy to see him all right so what else you got
yeah
I’m really good at 5
alright lot of Baxter is Spencer and his relationship complex story history it always shines through that always shines through so many things right now you’re saying about helium Dan because I had some issues so it’s lighter than air it sure is and then so the tank is lighter it is lighter than if you had a tank equally-sized like it’s still it’s not lighter than air pressurize so it’s a certain air of pressurized lighter than pressurized are equally pressurized area
so looking at a tank of helium that look like a dissimilar tank of propane I was like the reason why I was amazed as I lifted it up is because of what was inside it helium alright well I guess I don’t have any issues then it’s possible that the same way they do die cheddar cheese orange likes it because otherwise you wouldn’t think it was cheese that they might make helium tanks lighter material can I buy shopping for you and they’re like this brand but that’s a good thing about the cheese thing you were talking about
let me come back with you on the back side how about this fine aged white cheddar it’s just the same
lion and they say it’s better then they say it’s good
I’m upset about cheese
I think you should be a lot better things I’ve been the best thing I’ve been upset about in a while I get a check
Spencer I think that I’d only say this because I’m a cheddar Enthusiast and I’m not trying to step on anything you’re saying but thank you I think that maybe when it’s extra sharp or sharp it’s in the white and then regular levels of sharpness that’s the orange but a lot of cheeses are very sharp as well as orange so I mean I don’t know I don’t know this is a great argument to have I taken wild wild
I agree with you so now it’s not an argument you disagree with me agreeing agreeing with you what’s your favorite level of sharpness when I have I say you know what rolling out like the Trap has been about to Let er Rip
extra-sharp High grades best denim
is right that’s a good might be too sharp for some people anybody anybody with the white shirt right all right we got to get a ride if you just tuned in
if you decide if you touch yourself what’s going on 2 minute 54
this may become a spin-off podcast
Craftsman we went to Holland me and Aaron and his wife and we had asked the travel agent like she was like you wanted me to help you have a good time not like that but sounds weird and I guess you should take a tour of the windmills and where they make the cheese and stuff and get some Points Hotel owner like someone that would want to take them out and look at the windmills and the cheese and then that guy must have been like okay sure and then got up and was like what the fuck up and called another guy so long story short but the front of the hotel where this guy
and he’s just the guy that the hotel owner knows at Luke’s and you drive them to the windmills and then and then also ya like like here’s some extra money tell them about the windmills and the cheese into this guy’s chain-smoking talking about the windmills but he was just a guide to the cheese factory in because he walked in and he was like trying to earn his this money he made but he was just a cab driver but he was in this cheese Museum & Factory so he was like walking up onto the exhibit and fucking with cheese and then people would come over and yell at him and pointing at us and I have these for American people like I’m being paid a lot of money and then I’ll give you a I’ll give you 20% if you let me keep rolling with this I knew what kind of walk
confused go back behind the counter and he’s like churning shit talking about how to make cheese work there
Jupiter and wish I could use in the word we looking around at everyone in their in their wooden shoes and hats or whatever like rolling her eyes and like I don’t have driver has taken over the museum if he’s lost his mind we don’t have police here we just have a bunch of cameras that weed is legal I know what is this another guy like I said just showing us how to make great stuff
and he was talking with his mouth like eating cheese from the museum cheese Holland
know anyone there or what was going on he just kept
in the fucking there’s mannequins next to him
he said he’s on a date
cab drivers
French kitchen
that’s what this is for is for looking at your Eddie did he seem like he knew what he was talking about
I should have known if he knows that she’s is old milk and he’s eating and then we were walking around people and we just probably really big fat boneless Americans that I’d like co-opted some guy and he was like explaining them
tell my son get a cheese stick
hegemony
I mean that sounds like a Better Door than you’d ever get from an official she’s music until I feel like you lucked out and got to go do you remember when I do and that’s kind of fun that’s good about in the moment it felt very awkward
no that’s the weirdest people were taking pictures of him as they thought he was like some kind of performer
like an improviser like a cheese mascot like I’m a representative I don’t know anything but I’m enthusiastic and I don’t know how long you could do that we were doing teases you and I do the museum staff clearly I don’t speak their language but they were clearly saying please please stop please stop please stop doing that. I know that much
where windmills are weird
did you see a picture of a lumber you know what they do with it they make more windmills
windmills are like a virus take over the T-cells and then they just like the windmills for no reason other than it would be generating electricity they generate more with spinning everywhere
great interesting note over there like really be into something like that actors are weird windmill reactors use any hammers we’re going to use anything made of metal Cutting Edge technology
what do you mean like the things that generate wind power like electricity do they do now by calling my mom yeah I color Mills and I get like being at this Emoji with it it’s like our dads you like we’ll only use the man cave full of like places like one guitar shop in Calabasas and they know the guy behind the counter like I’m sure that’s how like vintage windmill Hazard when I was programming the vi editor and I didn’t want to use my mouth so use the keys the you know like a 35 year-old like editor design my own webpage editing with texts on an SSH connection or whatever I guess I was into the purity of that
will they make you edit film on it like a steam back like an old-school like spinning plates cuz your little like a pencil to Mark Peters Final Cut exactly
such a colossal waste of time in my only take like that’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done it with a white glove just sitting there and the only thing I learned is like a don’t set an entire opened but full orange juice on one of the spinning plates at the film goes on there was like four hours of my life but the film got done the Montage with my friend dancing on the street that doing rjd2 be got done and I got an A and then I moved to Los Angeles so I mean
can you get an A because in between you just flash the word capitalism or something Pope or pulp free
I found my niche
what a great night for comptroller Ryan Ridley and Jeff where it suits you ask questions about eating supplies crunchy peanut butter
I heard somebody doing all right
creamy peanut butter
wow even for Karina
R&B peanut butter how many people can do crunchy or creamy. Really not that many books I wouldn’t want either to be outlawed
this is the gentlest conversation that ever happened to have the same conversation about it skirts keep getting shorter but peanut butter this is like the first 20 minutes of those Kirk Cameron Christian movies like the world I’m going to tell you
pray pray pray pray
drives me nuts about Christianity mythology amazing it is truly like one of the top three greatest stories Ever Told
I’m going to go Iron Giant and monster house for the other two
who sang you were probably the people who tell the story about how they tell it I have a problem was that dead by proper definition shouldn’t even be called Christianity weird capitalist we’re wearing suits and we’re talking about Jesus and we even tell people you don’t even have to read the Bible you know what’s great about Christianity he’s knocking at your door all you got to do is accept him as your personal crisis Xavier the blood of the blood blood and semen has absolutely no no no love for the actual mythology anymore so it’s clearly like totally separated from it literally nobody clapped mahogany dentist I don’t know how that happened I guess I’ll take that as a compliment
I like I’m very smart or something so I just attract atheist but if I ran to go about this but I just I think the thing that makes most people atheist too proud of it and Evangelical about it is that it’s a very it’s a modern American phenomenon that happens to be called Christianity which has absolutely nothing to do with the ethos the potatoes or the porthos
I demand a religion hit all three musketeers
before I accepted it
fourth musketeer Treasure Island I’ve never seen the movies I just know there’s a fourth guy from now on your sword swords prisoner this is like no one’s yours
1 + 1 + 1
is it as the cranes that goes way you just hear an ADR line from Titanic
cuz am I crazy or should we have muskets why are we famous for sword fighting
why are we putting so much energy into swords
thing invented the gun for us
let’s shoot some of the Canyons inclusion has is probably condition like even if at the end he gets his Turtle like you can have like the fourth hottest girl but you got to drive Escalade
he has to hang up the Flyers and booked the rooms hey guys it’s going to be like it’s coming the Musketeers coming back out with other keys if I’m going to be spending is going to be done
well what do you think of Spencer you think you think you guys could play I don’t think they pay what little early should be out of town friend before we drove far far away Scotland I heard Orange County
Australia Australia last week it works
I know there’s I know there’s millions of people there but we we were out of kangaroo jokes what was it what what you say Boston that’s nice I like I like it and it’s like Milwaukee it’s like the Milwaukee of the East Coast this from the most dangerous place Boston Australia yeah
Scotland Scotland person are you are you willing to come up and share your share your persona with us ok Google start
we don’t pick out anybody here hello you look at you look be look like a Scottish movie Scottish person she’s pretty cool on it although that’s that’s French but there’s subtitles
so what’s your name Paula what part of Scotland
oh okay. Like I know where that is
how to say it’s where he’s where for your where we where we were for hogmanay
it seems like a nice Jewish Town Edinburgh
sweater. Get some relaxation everyone’s check torches so I can crazy to hack wedding in Edinburg
I’m in Glasgow and then it’s usually just has practice but no we did it we did the whole torch procession over there was alcohol flammable
I guess we’ve already talked about another show but it was like really made you feel like I do Americans like wearing this big diaper like we we were obsessed with tits and violence and end in bad words and like all these things I got a lot of great things about fluoride in the water most cities of the mostly our responsibility
something on the street people carrying torches at which it doesn’t it doesn’t represent his passionate like more of a cowardly like
stop taking our jerbs the but it was like we never does anything bad with the purchase but you’re being allowed to carry fire which is the dangerous and like I never was walking and there’s like Embers falling on your hair and your clothes and there’s like a little but everyone’s fine everyone turns out fine and then you go watch this wicker wicker thing start up fire
and they’re playing the only the only problem is they’re playing like they’re playing music the whole way they have speakers throughout the whole like many mile like March and they’re playing like Scott and after a while the same set so anyways Glasgow all right are you connected to us somehow or cuz I know Jeff put people on the guest list for tonight but are you you’re just you just you just heard the podcast and heard that we went to Palin
got kicked out twice cuz I was drunk
is she here today is that the problem was that you had to like restructure your budget I didn’t I mean who cares, kind of Salt Lake City take me to the trailer to take the Mormon thing is so strong there maybe that that’s why I was like that the Hipster hipster crowd there is very hip really break it away from
people from Salt Lake bear I don’t think there’s many of Stoners flat I don’t know probably it said it said it’s probably a top City to be anything from G in I would imagine that The Stereotype of grown
don’t turn on your desk on trailer yet he’s going to come back he’s going to ask you about bread and butter vs. dill pickles at the end I know it and you’re going to wish that you hadn’t
I got you buddy that I liked it
also if you’re Mormon if you’re listening I have no absolutely no judgment
how many Double Down smart that’s what the fuck is that shit
carrier you had juice Christian’s number of Mormons in Salt Lake City of the things like talk about the shop cuz she was very sweet like she was at Harmons have had another seizure is in this town where she’s probably surrounded by people who are Lyle and I don’t know that I don’t really know what’s going on there but how people feel about it I’m sure they’re all $25 to fucking don’t care anymore and I’m like 41 and going on Mormonism she came up and talked about it I mean this isn’t supposed to make sense if you buy a religion like and and then you open the bottle in your like this isn’t logical
like it it’s like it’s like buying a pair of pants and then trying to drink out of them are like this sucks I want my money back cuz I get your legs in this case being in the part of your brain that doesn’t understand shit and doesn’t trust frustrated and wonders what your relationship was an impersonal Cosmos is and is afraid you’re going to die and I like is going insane because of the truly schizophrenic result of being the world’s first and possibly last sentient mammal except dolphins
who don’t need a religion because they don’t have hands
Selena is so they don’t have weapons so they don’t have War so they don’t need religion they don’t they just see a shark
play dolphins go crazy at sharks did you know that I hate sharks is that cool
they represent the Dolphins are the are the Israelis in the Middle East that is the ocean building apartments
that is not what I meant sorry about that they have a new
they’re assholes.
A guy with an accent I can’t place just just blurt it out there are assholes these dolphins are not wholesome how do you say Paula it’s Paula right okay and you you sit there so what’s your name and e-mail dolphins
that’s interesting very far away.
Play don’t get the dolphin boat I think
I was just going to say hashtag yes all too often
so Andy is that is that a dolphin fact you picked up just as a casual Dolphin fan are you at I want you to set your an oceanographer
he’s really like really love dolphins and then
you spent eight years learning to communicate with them to the point where you can hear their own opinions about women I learned to squeak for this street and put a ball in the circular a whole that he’s like kind of hates women all different animals like believe in separate pool
wake me up some specially labeled eucalyptus tree are really conservative that we believe that milk should trickle down from their mothers niples they hate abortion all right well it okay if you just make a cameo and then okay
I mean maybe this is maybe that’s just Deja Vu but I could swear that earlier on on an earlier episode a guy with the foreign accent said the Dolphins were assholes and then came up and defended his remarks like on a different episode though I do different guy I mean I hope so cuz he played it off like he never done it before this time to be amazing if we were living in his Edge of Tomorrow probably and just
I could swear at least I go pee I told you this nine hundred times
now I have to go get shot if I could just get you to understand their assholes by 9:27 I could then roll under the Jeeps to tires at 9:35 just Dolphins burst in from the ceiling
Glasco Glasco
that’s what I guess it in America we know it’s like a it’s like a Chinese fire drill it’s like actually offensive to people from Alaska to let Chelsea Grin Chelsea Grin
if you’re working in real estate in Glasgow you call it a Chelsea Grin definitely bad right it’s not
the guy that I got it I don’t know but I’ve seen
do you guys think it’s cool that I know the name of the second movie
I can’t I can’t draw for applies anymore I already wasted it on that one sorry what do you think
you guys can’t keep using peanut butter like me what makes you so special
how do you make portable smokers
I could think of is everyone going to stay up here and play my fiance’s character Dungeons & Dragons you think you can handle it I mean how good you are at it I’ll give her a bath have you heard us playing on the podcast every what happens is
I think they’re good they’re going to go kill some dolphin
I had that fucking assholes
the did I say hope they’re peeing that’s weird to say
what is a Hustler magazine
women peeing all the others just like they make sure that there’s always a woman peeing now. There was like an executive decision like a meeting was called to be like guys we starting next month at least once a month at a time is it was obviously like I don’t know like I learned about naked women from pages of Hustler magazine that floated across the railroad tracks into the Crawdad Creek where we were hunting for crawdad Mark Twain
what is the but there was like like like there was no internet and there was just like mud cake pages from this printing plant that apparently printed Hustler’s across the railroad tracks and that’s where the other nine year olds and I would go like this is great what did she say what did she say
layang layang home awake at night
when she was a waitress he was a truck driver or they just started that it was a pictorial story but the text was what was important I don’t know what to do at my first female figure and it’s like caked in mud smeared with mud stench of crawdad and LG phone
the vagina is a terrifying place to go inside and
I know I go in there and he’s a guy fight something and then my face is on the equator answer
I come out and I got like I can’t talk about it I’m going to go to Hollywood
but by the internet. That’s why I act like I talked to Mom’s now they’re like the year old kid YouTube even if you were to have like a nanny block her software which is a joke like you can’t control your kid even YouTube is just like it is filled with sexual material like like like what are you sitting with his eight-year-old Fred about sex you know we would talk about sex with each other we were way off the Mark we were very curious about it and we and we were just fascinated with it and if you had a laptop back then and you can just type something and you said if you could be the kid that brought the other kids to some piece of information about it you were a hero so there’s a capitalistic like competition there there’s no way to control it I’m really fast
talk to Mom’s these days
Temporaries have children like they’re you know funny funny women who who do storytelling shows who have kids that are like a fake catch like who watching if it’s fucked up and hearing them talk about is very interesting and remember that one lady’s name that I’m characterizing is all these women
let her have the kid in like see if she earns the right to swim swim swim and what do they eat shrimp and are not alright they fucking like Ramen with their noses until the shark is good and dead is not about anything other than that like the hatred if a person’s drownings sexist or not I don’t know if they don’t do it for women
but they they tend to like save drowning humans like they they see us thrashing around in their kind of like
also also baby seals do that possibly two
I’m basing it off of the documentary the bridge is one of the people jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge suicide on camera
this one’s for the crew in that movie there’s one kid who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and he’s he’s the most of the people who are not in the documentary talking about their experience jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge but he is because he survived he broke his whole body hitting the water and then by the way at the end of it he he he he he jumped he broke his legs and his back and all the shit in the water and then he was like he’s like oh my God I failed to kill myself I’m now drowning and this thing Underneath Him kept bumping him and keeping his head above water and he believes it was a steel or he described it to someone they said it was a seal and then he goes and if that’s not proof Jesus I don’t know what it is.
what a wasted opportunity to become a really passionate marine biologist
I guess you took the easier path to the human eye
maybe become an optrician Jews are great Christians are great they just they just waste too much time having lock-ins and dolphins are Jews dolphins are ya
yeah not mean to send those of your shirts there was killer whales are fighting all the time
look it up
I mean
what are the time on the Syfy channel there’s pictures of it megasquirt
the guy who’s the good guy who’s the bad guy in a killer whale sperm whales
they look like a killer whale the pictures I sent you
yours going to be on a mammal side you always have to be ye in anytime and if you need to explain if a human is fighting a chimp side with the human weight if two chimps are fighting I don’t know I’ll get back to you with a bonobo
if a gorilla and a champers writing side with the chimp if if if if it was squid and a whale are fighting with your branch of evolution chimps bite your balls off gorillas do sign language in pet kittens but they’re fighting gorillas.
I’m sure if they bothered to teach others say catch on
what about this evil humans fighting a chimp say with the human thing I feel like that misguided in a lot of circumstance I mean there’s like a zookeeper looking human and he’s got a pitchfork and he’s fighting with a champ and got a side with the chip sometimes you know they’re being abused may be dropped in Arena sure I mean
battleworld
what’s happening more organically
like maybe in in the world’s strangest bar
hey I just like you don’t know like they were playing darts for a while and then they erupted into any of the chips got a broken bottle in the guys like saying I called a cab and Mike you always do this
separate them but ultimately we got to be for humans to our genetic Hugo okay now will start dipping and dabbing and don’t know what’s happening among all these other things saying you wouldn’t say retarded probably because if you’re in. You probably more Progressive than your vocabulary is probably not a crass and my sister is retarded so fuck you
but I just mean like we got it here’s what I’m saying
there’s homeless people fuck your ass
that’s all I’m saying until there’s no homeless people fuck your ass I don’t care how long their next get
they’re just horses with long necks I don’t I don’t know if you walk into a bar graph
baby tell your friends with the with the
he’s not worth it that’s what I said he’s not worth it Tony
Hyattsville
all right okay so we was just we should play it looks like I got my character sheets we were drunk we look at them we don’t know what we’re doing
if you see something on there that’s like it says I have shoes you can say like if you want to do something now you can do something sometime that he forgets but he passes your dignity sarsgaard you are a paladin you’re for tooth truth and Justice and you’ll probably want to take the top two days and pass the next
I think I messed up the order when the paperwork they look okay to me left-hander Ryan
like twister Master please do
I don’t have time to fuck around a pentagon all the ice that bad alcohol take care of that problem I don’t know if that’s
I don’t think I’m going to get music probably but I should I mean you took all the ice
I’m glad I don’t know if these guys are ready in a round
that’s what I was thinking
so do you guys see that Sports thing
2.0 man this is like a sports car steal it this is the least enthusiastic sports car iPad I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me you guys I’m sorry you’re high or sick I’m just I always I always cool off by 7
last time on harmontown after leaving father Tinder to inform mrs. Her husband’s untimely demise the game was approached by The Gnome to know when is Tower in the group decided they needed to take their the group decided that they needed to break into father’s tenders house Jesus Christ to look for Clues and steal his stuff is bull gave them a bundle of cloth and they departed while infiltrating the house cork heard a noise and rushed upstairs to see a small ninja tacking father Tinder before escaping after tripping and falling on his blade trying to apprehend the assailant cork was pissed and sexually assaulted the beaten bloody old priests will Sharpie gave Chase pursuing these
Captain dignity heard the commotion and discovered Quark sodomy removing the Raging Barbarian and locking them in a closet Vaughn’s house which was ruined by Magic inside he cornered the offender who revealed himself to be visible the friendly gnome from before the attack made all harm with a magical barrier Sharkey was outmatched is dignity ran off to Aid Our Heroes cork stood swearing revenge on the Paladin who stopped him but could be heroes pull it together to fight off a super-powered bisbal where would they all perish alone like me find out my God
what the hell was that tragedy in their Jesus and I don’t know if we can play
should I take you somewhere quiet roleplay up some happy but then I came across Frozen people or something or are they were frozen in this like hunk of magic are we are all together again the characters are players or that you guys are racing your racing to reunite so that’s happened and you guys you all reunite your in the top floor of a two-story house you’re in this guy I know you’re you’re in the bottom of a two-story house there’s this guy is a Little Gnome wearing ninja gear
Tienda he’s he’s just menacing and he’s he’s facing down Sharpie and he looks like he’s got the upper hand Sharpies running towards you guys as you enter this room you don’t know what’s going on that’s so I had that but I still the minister seen what’s happening
investigate because he was too into juice remember
there’s a guy is like the mayor of the Town who is like really into juice and we talked to him a lot about Jews and then we were suspicious of him so we so he wants to see if we could find out more about him but we found him getting killed and by end head though he’s still alive you’re running away well I suspended bulb still here
cuz I’m fucked up you never trusted no gnomes are all evil
I did not but the way Jeff acted last way you guys
that’s racist
no no wait no I’m good
Are gnomes like the Dolphins or the sharks at this game
some are like humans
you know yeah but he’s like you guys are going to die
he starts casting Magics God damn it I didn’t I teleport to behind him him you didn’t get fear then you started running away I’m going to tell your friend showed up alright well that doesn’t happen he manages to cast whatever is casting lock so he waves his arms magically and you see for shining pillars of force energy looking kind of like great columns almost as large and as heavy as Stone pillars and they they launched towards you kind of slowly
you’d do a Dodge moving pillars are easy to dodge and they smash into the walls behind you but all of you managed to get out of the way he’s like a nice pillars dick
I’ll respond on my turn names for those things misters
ineffectual glowing turds
now witness the power of this fully armed and operational
he lunged towards him shockingly and your hands are stopped by an irresistible invisible wave or synergies like some sort of Shield your hands burn is electricity dissipates across this field is full of laughs he’s like you can’t touch me a white barrier kind of it appears in front of them and shivers out of existence talk to Sky what’s this guy’s problem what’s going on here
were evil I’m in no he’s a he’s a self-loathing know my resume to him as a no
Iza what’s your problem I don’t know what you’re talkin about you’re going to know did I get wounded is not working thank you Paula
yeah but you’re you’re just yelling at this guy apparently all Ryan and he’s he’s he’s not how am I speaking to him and Noam language different what are you trying to do is your character with this guy but he’s coming from I want to relate to him on his level want to know what’s going on I mean what is you talking about do you want to say I will wait what what’s where where you coming from what’s what did we do to you you didn’t do anything I’m just a terrible person nobody’s just a terrible person all of them that mean you’re probably wrong
he wants you to look Within
so your name is Stephen that’s the thing about gnomes that only gnomes would know
yay
what they they love light exercise day you’re not a gnome knock it off the jig’s up no it’s not up
it is a few things but he still haven’t heard his his deceptions deceptions
motherfuker your priest your deceptions are out the door man yet no no no
what if I say to him
come on, is that is that you’re into that move and then yeah then roll for it like what’s your diplomacy or your charisma if you don’t have a promising me you’re the one saying or not
10 is not bad it’s not bad yeah I put all 10 of that into come on Blue Diamond Phillips level charisma
you know Daniel Craig but you’re working on it that’s okay so what did you say again
come on he he stands there and he just kind of dropped his hands and he’s like okay what doing
they put his character sheet down
how is that there was a critical head
what happened
so he can he drops his hands like okay and then he he he does like one of these Ray waves his hands in front of his face and poof he magically changes into father Tinder
I was going to say it yeah you do it now you don’t know what time I would have you would have changed I don’t know. You might have figured out that I’m not known but I’m still going to murder your asses in the name of a man whose you have on your titty
I Sharpie butts a lot and the
Wrecking Crew
so help me God so help me Jesus Christ
ajeti you’ve never heard of but who you’re going to meet soon
I am going to kick your fucking ass okay I’m not I’m not very nice speech going to juice what’s wrong with you why were you doing doing I mean you guys have juice in you
I never drank it
my dragon I didn’t drink it
we’ll see who drink juice activate juice
you guys feel sick except I’m not sure baby not me
the rest of you guys feel
juice activate the weird sentence
all right well did you say activate but other than a mild upset stomach you seem completely unaffected
just delicious everyday all right
it’s my turn let’s go attack this guy whatever
no don’t worry about us that’s very kind of you
now I know what I would say I would say just physically beat his ass
spellcraft skill like let’s see what our weapons like here
to my Glasgow stomach staple
dum dum barrier I think it’s not your turn
I think my bad
I want to put it at a Dave’s turn just because he only said a short thing or maybe Ridley’s turn cuz he also only set of shortening no and now he’s not 1%.
It was Grand over the time scale is not that’s all I’m saying yeah Okay cool so what’s up
Ridley’s parents Jesus father tender around what can I do do I have anything that can get you a forcefield I don’t know magic I don’t think you have magic magic
what is that what is that thing that he gave us could give us something helpful but
he just got gave us something I’m going to use it against us before you before that he gave me a black cloth or something
I’ll wrap it now use it against this guy the black sack cloth and it looks black like a void it looks like a hole you’re holding a hole in your hand right next to the whole Metro Adam you throw it out and hit some like like a blanket and it just kind of Falls onto the floor like he got hit by a blanket then fell on the floor
it’s a portable Hall you hear you hear the slow rings of Machinery coming from inside the hall
on the floor what can I can I push a minute I’ll say let’s try it
trying to push him in and you do
good but wait a minute what happened to him on the phone call I guess they’re still sticking out of the whole bottom he pulls himself to his feet what do you mean like
what about the machine trying to trying to pull up the hole from the ground you trip and fall into the hole with Father tender
could you said that no it’s because I rolled it
I just say stuff
and if I roll this number yes play G-Code the fucken reality
in this in this portable hole you can see what looks like just a small wicker basket in a slowly inflating balloon
it’s it’s it looks like it I mean you can’t tell by eyeballing the gas
it seems like something that definitely requires explaining and then machine sound on my God I ask what’s going on. I don’t know
like you’re a Flintstones animal
take us to a talking head of you later guy I didn’t know it was going on they wanted to be in the basket is the blue and bounced on his head is I mean technically speaking why is duck is happening at the same time
I cannot get out of the hole will it’s not your turn but you try to fold up the whole the father tender hold the edges of the whole down and it doesn’t get picked up completely
that’s a reel-to-reel thing I can’t head bottom I guess you could try sure head but you had been right in the head he gets a bloody nose after the head of the body
Brian Dennehy penitentiary
you deal 3 damage to him
Sun arms combat near was but also let’s go to the edge of the hole because it hurts his nose and he’s like you guys you broke through my barrier but it’ll never happen again
a broken nose you guys broke
through my nose but it’ll never happen again
he starts waving his hands around creating creating a large blob of white of white for sale
it looks like creamy Rich Seaman
just like Dad used to make
but then stops when the city asked him to
he he he hurled it towards you it’s like multiple it slows it slows and slowly towards you through the air to try to dodge but somehow it reaches out with weird pseudopods and grabs you guys and you don’t save successfully even though this is flat don’t worry don’t worry about that
all right every 15 damage is burning searing Force energy grabs you by the legs and pulls you to the ground this way what the what does semen cloud like Donnie Darko where it’s like that Capri-Sun Alex Mack suck the life out of people that’s what it is Donnie Darko Capri-Sun duck will you tried but somehow it lashed out and hit you anyway I just want to make sure I know how I’m being dealt all these fucking points I guess it’s not moving that fast but you and yet you’re just unable to dodge really like I’m so impressed by its like like I’ve never even seen anything like it before
Ford may be treating it to casually and then you just realized too late maybe like maybe it’s like the first time I saw Donnie Darko I thought it was good blinded by it I do think it’s kind of funny people running
I got it okay I just wanted to know
thanks thank you Matt what’s up
okay so he stopped waving his hands once the semen was generated
is he now is going to take a nap
did I say we get him while he’s napping
I’m basing this on my style craft knowledge they have drained him
and had him during his refractory.
Tell me when that is cuz I got something for you or do you have a 48 minutes
anyways what will whose turn is charge a charged atom
ask job no I don’t I don’t I cannot can I chat what’s Bulls strength that makes you stronger okay so can I cast It On the Run can I charge can I charge them and cast bull strength and like pile into him like a football player just to like knock him to the ground yeah I totally do that.
all right. Yank casting bull strength you feel yourself get four points of strength stronger is you Barrel in to him directly let’s see if that pans out to immobilize him like put my knees on his biceps like my brother did in the front yard and then I’m going to pack loogies and suck them back into my mouth just before they hit my face his face
and 30 years later I’m not going to earn that much
so yeah launching his knee your knees directly into his chest you pin him to the ground underneath you
there any damage slow and I just like I I put my hands up like I got my knees on his biceps and I just like slapping to the face and I’m not touching you I’m not touching you
he doesn’t stop hitting himself
I look at these guys in what movie was it the best
alright what’s up yeah yeah you can definitely try you got shackles
good looking out
try as you might to restrain and he’s squealing struggling is the word I was looking for struggling like some sort of squiggly line mayhap and he’s playing his limbs to his limbs to hard to be be contained you he’s just flipping around like a golden retriever
Eastpointe RV wait what she wants to know if she can fly all yeah that’s successful you slapping him around all right yeah all right so he’s been slapped around and she’s on the pin down can’t be Shackled because he’s too flailing around can I I want to stab this mother fucker with a poisoned dagger
I want to get on top of him and stabbed him in the heart with a poisoned dagger can I write behind me and reach over like Kelly McGillis of a Top Gun poster
I want to get behind you like Demi Moore and okay but your spirit Swayze then if you’re behind me whatever alright
you got it to you you ones towards him with your knife and do that Patrick Swayze thing but it’s all style over substance and you just kind of Grey’s is roadman Maybe
common common problems all right bring us home early
no reference to any movie from the 90s by pull out my flaming sword you do that you hit him
and in the side of the head to the head I mean when people complaining about or looking for a closer here we got work in the morning anyway secret Grey’s brain he hit some rain in the head dealing 22 damage from the wound and then the white lights dreams from his wound consuming everything you guys all can’t see for a moment are really fine by me
I didn’t see anybody saying I can’t see I have a feeling this guy’s going down I can’t see how do you say that blindly and making noises probably in your drawer
all right
thank you Paula thank you Andy the dolphin expert thank you James Horowitz and Ryan Ridley for a very Jewish very edifying harmontown welcome thank you Jack and Dustin in the booth thank you nerd milk
I don’t know I’ll see you later
you think that is
felt the need to get up
messenger
I thought you were laughing