Episode
Episode: 169 – A Little Handicap
Description
We welcome the great Andy Kindler back to Harmontown and Dan goes to the haunted hayride and something incredibly offensive happens. Watch the video at harmontown.com/live! Become a member!
Transcript
Hollywood California so good to be back here in the spacious spacious
cozy
a great person had a cousin to Liberty is confines a Meltdown Comics once again Hermantown is now in session
the fucking Spencer Crittenden to the stage show it
call Spencer
MMA or apartments down with your dad
sorry I meant to say hello hello all the all the time this year that’s everything gets so scary Jeff on a haunted hayride last night
finding out I can’t get any more you didn’t even know they were your knees ranking or what I just couldn’t here’s what you wanted a ride is you okay thank you for bringing up the haunted hayride this is amazing I had nothing the proper controlling since I’ve been away
talking to you the chief 12 to word
my job is to keep you on a straight thread all the way through to the Finish Line tonight everything has been hammered out and if I wonder it’s a crime and it ain’t mine
I ain’t doing the time squeeze your ass like a piece of lime I fuck your mama so hard she gave me an extra time I said I’m going to call you like I’m drawing a line alright so
say is that you’re right to apply it’s absolutely nothing but respect for you good morning that you encourage me because it means you’re good people because I love myself
all of that was sarcasm button but don’t worry about it you’re fine you know that we’re all smoke and Light
just get you chilling
or you’re the worst anyone is star that got you
the channeling Andy Kindler cuz he’s here tonight I feel like I was like I’m I’m like biting some of your vessel to hold the majesty and I’m doing some weird like like some weird like I’m I’m such a fan that I’m kind of like I said I wouldn’t I wouldn’t be I wouldn’t discount the idea that I’m kind of like the chanted and sort of like have a Kindle a spell cast on antenna at all they’re hitting a certain frequency of high-speed alacrity cunning double triple quadruple self-awareness that turns into such self-denial that it’s like a swirling
do the haunted hayride all right so you go on it doesn’t matter from the 5 all the way to my place I don’t drive slower than the physical hey proper hay do but there’s no chairs so that’s the thing is like I put a chair on Hay but hey ride even haunted ones I would have would have assumed before the two nights ago five people
H-E-B you and Terry Garner it is as long as there’s good hayride
you guys are going to have to Google 3/4 of that
find out why it would be Dynamite
you’re going to love it when I call them the Knievel live convention my butt just Google is loot a slippery effectively lubricating a hay bales of tightly bound Healthy dog shit like firm like like like like like like like nobody’s unit table scraps it’s like your own backstory that even if there’s nothing there was a chain link area when you stand in line and you get into the there’s a chain-link
right before you’re getting into the hay cart and they have it all worked out they’ve been doing this for a long time not the scary parts with the crowd control part the scary parts are apparently decided on by committee three weeks before each staying at and I I don’t even know I walked out with so many questions. I was like I know exactly are they just upset about school shootings is that why they just drink just threw random shit out there I just hoped it was a little scary but not upsetting like like like like it was like it was like a mildly uncomfortable hayride not I left my I would not call it haunted in the least write anything like I except for the coast of of of of of of Pride and craftsmanship remember me you forgot me
and I was like, that goes to my ghost jokes.
Like one mile an hour as you’re going through various little town before that though cuz the line you’re in line and I was actually happen if there was VIP tickets for like five colors before you going to take a walk past people and I’ll do that in a fucking I would do that under normal circumstances I would pay 500 times more than you would for the fun of walking around you
if I had to walk eight more times the distance I would I would be so happy to be moving I would just walk around you and Ed like I’m and be rich I will I’m not I am not a man of the people
but I I I I I I did not buy a VIP ticket on purpose because I was so high I was scared that I was going to get scared cuz I said I don’t like the people touching you and he said they can’t touch you they can’t touch you they’re not allowed to touch you which is like the world they’re not allowed to touch you
sounds a little scary but then they keep repeating that they don’t touch them they won’t touch you they’re not allowed to touch you you’re not allowed to touch them and it’s like it’s like to hold not the number of people but the volume of Flesh when the chain link sitting right before you get on the hay cart is full of human tissue they close it behind the last person after they exchange the front people you know come on come on move it move it you doing like a southern character till I create an air of like because otherwise he’s like in the middle of Los Angeles like bossing people around who are drunk and high at length and thought it would be funny if they paid you
try to scare me motherfuker
and I thought that’s actually brilliant that he that they’ve adopted like the southern thing was like something the people in LA or like maybe like oh shit I saw I saw those movies I’m not going to fuck with this guy
as it’s getting that Betty and to unfunny to have been trained in anything chain-link like like just like this chain link like cauldron because it would the doors open then you’re going to get on the hay cart oh it’s going to be so fun like no peanut style has his forearms over the top of the chain link fence looking down at you and he has a little baby bull horn because you’re not that far away
can you get any girls like a people got a couple rules for you go have a good time but you got to follow these rules do not touch the actors
I repeat do not touch the actors that goes for touching them and I don’t even remember the bit that’s how I’m fighting nobody laughed and I was like I think I like to do do not stand when you’re on the head car keep all of your arms and hands down by your four point Landing that in other words that is your gluteus maximus your your sugar Shaker your flimflammer I made it funnier than he did
like he went he tried to like his like his joke was that he was talking hip-hop or something like bread and a set of the idea you told them to us like we’re not we’re not we’re not snarky I thought I was with a group of enlightened people with nobody was causing trouble nobody would look at it kill Billy michlig let you know if they were all just advise a tractor driven the tractor theme to horror experience farm equipment like chainsaws cut down trees everybody because they can cut people in half
sports do you know if they stab people in the tractor is it just taking a break between it’s normal tractor functions well going through nothing scary when you’re being pulled by a tractor a tractor a tractor
play Josh judge probably break his teeth on the tractor tractor you you won’t even need a bigger tractor you don’t encourage him
search me
I’ve been away for a while encouraged me the dentist Hyatt like so they was like some hustle over here like there was some business happening over here outside of the case and he’s like Aunt Shelby Shelby Shelby because he realized I want you to remember that moment cuz he at first he was going to do it loudly what you’ll find in this story is that is that the matter he needed to attend to demanded some respect and privacy
do I need I need somewhere to get no second round at 65 no not 67 cuz it’s true we got it we got to go handicap situation looks good not when he wants you to look now now that it’s been all the time to look at it as a human being in a wheelchair
their life now
whether it was burnt or whatever is called them what happened
the dumbest people in the world was swarming around them calling them a little handicapped
where is everyone being fine with it while they claw and chain link
just struggling for a few of the little handicapped
I was blown away feelings and that scary
what’s that undercuts you can’t touch anybody no one can touch you go to a website if you feel touch
Cloud masses like trying to do these bits that are based on like a different world where probably it didn’t have to be said constantly that no one could touch you as I can probably there was like I feel like over the years as epidemics of violence in our country like increased and the Committees that run this thing changed around I feel like I imagine that an explanation of what I experienced at night that the lights gradually got brighter and that the actors gradually got more and more scolded for certain turns or phrase and it just takes that are extinct
just as dumb as someone who might be able to scare you real good but scarier than a dumb fuck
with your money and suspenders like fucking hanging out like and Charlie have you ever been to a carnival ever or the last 38 years terrifying the last thing you see is like a lever and you’re like hearing these bolts that you know he doesn’t understand and reach and strain you just remembering all of these articles and you like we’re trying to figure out if they’re talking full what are the rates where am I on this chart why why why is there a rope across my belly I’ve been on the Batman ride I know what you’re capable of I know you’re capable of making these safe
Dwight why is everything so you can be scary just for nothing just by being a hitch and hanging out here when he right kicks off and you leave the station and you’re going out there are you just passively riding through a little Tableau and that is that is close as you feel you are that you’re not close enough to each other but they can’t touch you you can’t touch that but you know welcome to fucking Jesus Christ I’m so sorry and I like like like like like like just imagine if you got on that sing with the wrong combination of people I’d like to thank God for the wonderful people that were on there with me might have missed Mike Nesmith Teri Garr
Broder Nord McDonald’s Lil Wayne
Stevie Nicks to Baldwin’s but one of them was the sexist Nan Baldwin
Baldwin
picture of Baldwin
it should be against the law when you have a certain amount of Renee in real estate in Hollywood all right if you leave the station and you’re going down what’s the first thing you see as you leave chain link fence with a handicap situation
they just they just had to take the next cart and I’m sure they were tended to very sensitively and I’m sure if you go to their blog you’ll find that they love Halloween now
so is it is it by the zoo in the golf cart there at night time and you leave a little handicapped you called her a lot. Burnt to a human being I think what he meant to say is a little handicapped situation if he had just said situation I would shut but then because of his concern about it and stuff and be like oh that’s colloquial and we are to PC like he’s expressing a need a handicap situation that’s just what he left the word out
Humanity
if you know I had to be talked into going there that night Jesus Christ what about me in a wheelchair
somebody fucking Kajol that person they’re like to please handicap Harmon please
you’re so you’re such a curmudgeon you’re such a loner you say you’re get done healthy please come out just once I swear to God I promise promise promise promise you can have a good time
I may not be able to
you people are the monsters
this is on me this is my fault the rest of the evening is my fault because then they go the types of nervous now and like I keep saying that I’m not close enough to people I feel like I feel like they’re right if somebody tells me that I’m doing going to go out and get a first assume they’re right and that is how my girl so close to people and they’re like now sick and everyone was like super into this like a Land of Lakes like fucking Lotus position and I was like cuz I’m 42 and I I kind of like I tried just I dried I overthought it and I was like I was like well I’m certainly not going to it but then again what if my foot sometimes on the couch I put a well you know after a long day but then we’ll do my shoes would be off normally and I but if I have to move and I just ended up in the fucking weird
like like like like breakdancing pose like everyone kept asking me are you okay for Real Every time I
like like like women my age like not I just I wasn’t like a high school. There’s like women my age like like out of courtesy and respect for my happenings I would look over at me and go like fuel tanks I don’t like I don’t like to say hey you’re slippery you can’t get up if you will be a ejected from the ride
you know you should have said you should have said at some point you should have raised your hands it gives me I have a little handicap situation
and I would like to be a ejected further from the ride for the duration necessary to properly fold my legs can you not sit across my TV Dynamite.
our next guest has performed all around the world he’s a harmontown favorite he’s a Dan Harmon favorite he’s in Jeff Davis favorites
let’s Bring Em Out Andy Kindler is here
I think they prefer it if you’re there
all right I’m a Jeff Davis aficionado
I’m always thinking yes you entered from the back of the room left stage left then re-entered spacelab PT PT junim
does a PT Barnum reference if you’re Jewish oh oh great oh great I am a shaman I put on the show that’s what I do you’re on you are fired you have the one on the hayride knows most people would not do that for now because you told me that if you had been at the dinner that I was at what you know if you do it just popped out from from the kitchen and said most people don’t do what you’re about to do yeah I thought cuz he’s going on at Weis it sounds like a heat like I Hee Haw invention I don’t know it’s not a good convention was wrong
I got it I grew up on a farm with Hayden I’ve never been
how did how did they start with the hayride why are they riding hey around keep the Hey by the ball every time you put in the car if you’re going to get home to bright white where are you changing its is there another Farm let them grow their own haunted road capable of but I know it has to do now who am I from Spaceballs yeah I’ll tell you what I never I never said you know what I do that movie, like no way I’m going to go to the dark with the weirdest things about the haunted hayride stop me if you want to talk about anything else
because they would just take you through scary stuff it was just sort of like you jumped it sometimes you stop and there’d be like they put on a little show who’s going to complain about this this is not a problem but then is like for the most part it’s just people wandering up and they just keep you do and you just keep remembering they’re not allowed to touch you you should not touch them
like takes the fear out of like the 90s guy coming up just putting his head next year is it going to strip strip are not like I don’t know
like I don’t know I don’t take it out on you so I got to go I don’t know what my job anymore what is currency strip bars in a magical like there are goblins and there were people put the lighting was bad but in the Bron weigh so like I was at work so I could see their faces but everything was live for everyone’s safety like everything was lit so that the driver could see the road and so that no one could sue them for ever not seeing something but it wasn’t lit there were no key lights are there were blocking so all you ever seen was just like shiny mess like I do tell you about the history of the same as the worst that is the worst tour and I’ve been on four times and the last time I went on it it was I was doing a gig
at a private party and the only way to get to it was I had to go through the tour for the 4th time
and it’s a horrible horrible
your way to get into the prep I love Josh Volt or a bruise the illusion of all these movies
now I know there wasn’t a real shark
I was a kid what would make when they when they implemented the King Kong attraction at the Universal Studios tour ride is 720 years old have you implemented they do ride yet
I would like to be implemented into the
you’re going to get your belt busted tonight you’re going down baby 2015 hashtag the King Kong ride came out they both stood and it was true when you went in the King Kong the shaking the cables the Brooklyn Bridge that you are a sensibly on as advertised a slogan for a ride over my God no detail was left the room and tell your friends with bananas and I will back you up on it because you have all across Europe
you’re ocg ocg come on
Apple dump cake
73 to be exact actual time
I was supposed to make sure he was dead now I’m concerned he was not really dead
You Don’t Own Me you’re not up a box of matchsticks Spilled Out onto an open white shag carpet
girl I keep checking for my keys
know how many Staples white people rapping yeah my bullets in the clip I put the left one first as I’m facing it I got my bullets arranged from left to right because I’m going to shoot you with the sharpest bullet tonight but I got to make sure that the sharpest ones that I touch it three times
otherwise my mother might die
I getting a pain in my heart is it a panic attack or have I been shot
can’t be sure
driving. Can I leave my pilot light at home
yo man I’m so fucking angry right now at the world but my therapist tells me to start trying to stop worrying about it you trying to stop and worrying about something that was motherfuker you worry more
I forgot to put the cap back on the bottle I forgot to do Flats after I see you when I ruined if I had if I had loosened my God damn grip on my show any any you’re halfway home if you do that the rest is just riding in Virginia that’s the rest is just Talent
it seems to help to grow up as part of a disenfranchised population but people are speculating that that’s a total coincidence
around a lot of conservative Jews I think that was easy
you got any suffering Queen I wanted to be upper middle class when I was just regular middle class
yo yeah I have a support system but at what price price price price price
so one thing one a total thing about the haunted hayride was
after after all the whole
and it wasn’t necessary to explain any of this I didn’t I require nothing you guys think I owe Dan humblebrag like her whatever you’re like oh you went on a haunted hayride Jack problems you’re trying to fly on Lego brand yourself when I did I just see poop on the carpet but you see because you’re so interesting that’s not what I’m trying to create exactly what they were thinking I just wanted to be in a hay cart and be haunted that’s all I thought was right was looking for I had no other requirements however the way they haunted me for as long as they did and it continues to haunt you
I don’t like because right in the middle of the whole thing the whole thing is just like bat people Goblin people bucket people trained people change people Viking people at random it’s just like I think what they must do as they like but sublet each took 10 ft of the park to like some bad improv troupe I did really good or just like a committee I just feel like okay Gary and his guys they they said they come back but they really want to do the Vikings again how many times 3
even the Minnesota Vikings am I right
who’s that not soon or later
so then you put I lost when you start hearing like 60s Motown music
how racist is it going to get because I just went through the witch doctor segment by the way right now and I won’t write a letter but I’m Holding On
but it but but but but but they seem fine with it and by saying you know I mean
Goblin Slayer goblins and I subscribe to the social philosophy that if it’s fine with them it is fine with me but believe me it’s still down there I’m thinking about it what was the Motown song I remember was I don’t mess with me I don’t know if your lips cuz my other one of those is Motown The Archies is not Motown.
and then and then what comes in a few is like a cross-section of cornfield and then like this like this like vintage 60s car I’m like okay I guess this here it doesn’t fit with anything and then like two kids came out dressed in like like Back to the Future to like kind of like fifties attire like they like sweaters and ponytails and I didn’t get turned on by it was like
I didn’t and I didn’t say that I didn’t because I did I like it that way
it’s not part of the story
that book that movie made me so horny in my right back in the future and then hide my leg and people are you okay I’m trying to strain
any language except for like a rattling cans and going on and you were shooting chains do nothing for the whole time so like two actors come out and go like stop it you what are you doing tonight so we all look and there’s like some like awkwardly quit saying that like I kept going like well if that’s going to be a guy that kills you I want to watch that because when I’m really is that’s not going to move is it if you stay there so like that’s going to be interesting so I was looking at that but then what happened is they got in the car cuz they were scared of that which turns out that there were shots from the car lot that kind of like show so far it was like I think this is the most expensive things that they had to keep it even though there’s that you know so much
serial killers last time
cold blooded Recreation of the fucking Zodiac Killer like it was just they got into the car and then there was like strobe lights and gunshots from inside the car so we put it like being like like like delightfully harangued by goblins that cannot touch you
play Anna covid-19 just like
I’m going to the weird part is how dumb it is because the guy a guy gets out and ski mask holding an ax even though he does
I got it I guess he’s just he’s not confident his Marksmanship or he’s quite or he ran out of bullets for the gun with his axe
prank prank
this covid-19 he hates everyone else has the goblin a troll you can’t take your directors had of the problem. Too close to chill but like everyone’s room temperature how many angles
you at work.
I’m done talking about the fucking hayride but he goes like he follows the hayride for a while and I cannot stress to you enough no one has spoken to us the entire time and it’s not the end and it’s not the beginning this is just as the middle and it will never be addressed again structurally it’s just like a fucking insane temporal ship where like we were at a witch’s house we were in Gumdrop land we were in fucking Pink Floyd’s The Wall now we’re just in a fucking 64 no murder
people are putting possibly be relatives of something that’s not my point I’m just saying it’s totally different it’s totally different if the whole hayrack was like oh I know that house. John Wayne Gacy’s house in the crawl space there’s a strobe light trying to get out of that really happened yo let’s go eat pizza but it was nothing like that it was like to WallyPark people doing like my parents I’m pregnant I’ll take care of it will love it forever
oh hey hey you guys I need to start it all serial killers are from New Jersey
everyone no one says anything because you test
you do not have to see anything did you even though everyone’s just going like this he keeps like singling out what about you man you saw something
and she’s like no I didn’t like
what what what do you what do you think happens when I saw it was fucking you put the axe down shot two people and he was playing very well what do you think happens if you if you if you say you didn’t we just watched some things on the list
and you won’t stand up you won’t touch the wire above your head the tractor will keep going and I mean what do you think
personalize it for that one moment because I was like listen this idea is like the truth is if we were truly in a realm where we seen all the shit that we’ve seen tonight with the closest Ally we have he has a gun
wake her up obviously traveling through Dimension we don’t know his story just killed his parents or something the 60s
I want to go on a children’s Bryan and Jeremy Moore
complaints about Spider-Man
there’s all that deserve better in my Spider-Man movie
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, no one but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes out the themes related my own life but is always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerves like you’re always in good hands
adventures in Black Cinema what Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
I just heard myself it took me 50 minutes but I’m ready
I pick up a valuable lesson I want to grow on a beginning a middle and an end that’s the problem with that was all over the map know I went to Knott’s Knott’s Scary Farm would we talk about night in California there’s not Berry Farm Halloween or is Knott’s Scary Farm format
even when they completely undercut the quick phonetically that it is scary for Halloween right now they are you arriving on June I don’t know what I’m saying I retract that I retract that last not scary brand is actually catching like wildfire in a way that Knott’s Berry’s new people like right they don’t they don’t like jelly we found out not scary farm, not spelled k n o t t
there’s layers there but you guys will have to Google there’s a movie called waiting for me
scary
I’m not
so when I went to Knott’s Scary Farm there would be there be fist fights all the time because they were absolutely allowed to touch you the people that played that look good did the ghouls and the boogens there they were just jump out of that miserable people say buggin
so when we went there they would jump out and grab you from behind and scare the ever-loving shit out of you which isn’t really being like scared has been startled mean exactly millennials
I was going through a haunted house with Diana matter was the end I think we’re sophomores in high school at Wilson High School we’re going through and I had a big crush on who still
I was a late bloomer but I’m so afraid of girls I was so afraid I had her by the hand we’re going through like a little tunnel driven a haunted houses things were people just jump out at you and stuff and so you know I’m going to walk to the corner there so I just go past the sink and my hand goes slack and I say hey and she had but me not to write that six out a little piece of hair and tissue on it and that’s why you say you say boogens that’s why he’s not a Wilson Mara Wilson
I would like to see was my brain softest spokesmodel I apologies to my friend Rick Rick Rick too soon Ian
that’s not the first time you’ve given actually good name the very few Jews would go to these haunted house then what would it be like if they’re above Harmony
you take me to the Pegasus good for our eyes
yeah yah Bob that’s why that’s why everyone is required by the name of Bones like I like like like like like I went to a haunted house with him and then he was like I was scared and there was like I remember this chain link area or what it’s not chain link but it was like kind of like Molly you know what the mall where they lower the things or six room to reach through and that was their whole point was that there was like a whole chamber of zombies drove it and they were reaching through the thing and they were grabbing you this was the 80s loses the eighties if you weren’t getting grabbed you know that if you work tonight
so I got I got scared I was like a ten-year-old kid I feel like I was the only memories are from 10 but I was I was I was like oh remember like like like running away like down this Hall is all his hands reaching through and then and then like looking back cuz I forgot my brother my big brother is 5 years older than me and I look back and just see the strobe live in an image of my my pic brother going
how do you say how do you say catching the fucking like and all the zombies are now struggling but totally fucking they’re all but just uncomfortable Albert Brooks characters of the fucking swirl of emotions I had cuz he’s like oh that’s nice he’s done he’s not beating me up he’s like a big fat right me up he sang you
now he’s noticing them do a perspective for me I think that every time he’s finding somebody’s fighting the blue guns with himself to my brother because he wasn’t he won’t talk to me anymore cuz I talked to talk about of the podcast but in the interest of karma I do what I tell it just the other the other version of that story which is that it never happened I was a drug dealer and I don’t have a brother or no
I was I was like I was at a movie theater I think we’re going to see a movie we’re going to see if it was me and my brother and a mutual friend of ours and I was like I know I’ll probably blow your mind but when I was fourteen I was like I had trouble like watching my mouth and like not getting into a bunch of fucking trouble socially I know I don’t I don’t want you guys to unfollow me now that you know that about me
but I had no fucking like filter and I was just like I specially when I’m at a high I was just like like fraternity and like like I like I started we were nearly empty theater and then I’m like really loud to my 2 friends one of them was my brother going like like crazy. It was really just expressing was just weird that everything’s weird
what’s up with that guy got a little like who does that like fucking and then but my my brother’s friend goes like and there’s always the only other guy in the world like like well it’s like half a dozen people one guy is alone he’s like a Milwaukee archetype he’s got a mullet and he looks like he’s been lifting weights to compensate for a lot of shit that he’s quite likely he’s looks like it’s scary and and and and and when I try to look at him I got he’s like staring at me and I go. You point does the Geico what you see motherfuker
the fuck did you say to me and he gets up this is every human beings worst nightmare in a movie theater that is happening to me one of my first movie theaters. Which is why your feet by The Preserve them
but he was just walking down the aisle and he’s coming to me and my brother but my crazy self-destructive play clay clay clay source of a million woes I think it’s a first chair violinist in the LA for help so I have no idea
you don’t you don’t like classical music that much like well I guess this is just one of those cgc like a guy go I don’t know what to do and what you heard me you fucking fake ass muscle man take your fake ass back to the seats sit down and watch the fucking move your get the fuck out of here before I crush you that’s my hero
we’ll see
and I have no idea what the movie
and what it was about it could have been Dead Poets Society if it was
you always have no idea because the film was my brother’s stuck up for me and saved my life and I for once I was like the bad guy and the idiots and he was a genius he was just fucking like he knew all the moves and like protected me and I did everything right and no blood was shed like because he knew what to do and I know it like like like I didn’t even give it a second thought your father’s misdeeds that one stories enough to secure his legacy in your heart right you’re prodding me to tell you 9 funny my brothers.
I’d like to hear my brother is I’m the youngest adorable and
and might have an older sister and an older brother my brother is was too big to hurt me and I could beat me up so you never did know how many years is 2 year 2 years right tiny man any man until he didn’t he didn’t hear it because it would have been two years older than me you would have been trouble your brother at school and then it’s not that much time left
even if maybe play he would have got a job as a platform that people to walk over or something
thank God I sprung up to 5 5 and 1/2 thank God thank God I do I was always I was always I don’t know I would they had size places when I was a kid that was a prank show me shortest and tallest for the bathroom for some kind of military light maneuver for stuff going on here that’s right you don’t remember you don’t know about trouble we have the God damn russkies I’m still blacklisted I can’t get movie roles at cuz I’m blacklisted that’s why you see me movie
one of my comments affiliation I told my mother
who was a tweet
did drill we did tornado drill with an organized rank of height size training what year what do you write them it’s for 11 before I send photos
are you using science places I can pay them by race I guess
what’s lineup for race unless doing so is a gateway to finally proving raises an artificial construct that’s true event and they’re like like the Olympics remember when Hitler lost the Olympics to get Tommy something wet Hitler didn’t lose the Olympics yes Jesse Owens won a couple of meats in Yahoo who’s the world’s best friend your friend Bebe
he’s trying to say that Muslims who could miss the people you keep doing that
the Muslim is Dead 2 inserted half of Europe wanted to kill the Jews he hates the Muslims
what we do we do want you started well we’ve already covered it I’m right and everybody love everybody love everybody wants to change the history of you wants to look good that’s his plan now
he didn’t want to he just wanted to give the Jews a talking to I love the fact that that for real a real thing on the table with relocate all the Jews to Madagascar the movie
hey what was that have the table that was the original pitch
we’ll just send everybody that that’s kind of untenable that’s going to be pretty complicated but I do the Jewish reaction to that Madagascar
tropical have you been not so good
I’m not going to the area only because I’m so ignorant of it all end up like running roughshod with my dumb jokes so I know the Winos the War I don’t know that’s one thing.
If you could cast yourself as any character ending in World War II
it could be a Russian peasant could be okay
trayvax well I’d let for a second and I used to have a job where I said that my career is going to show up or let you know how my car is going too badly I would have played the Jew and Nazi propaganda films feels like someone has to do if someone’s going to do it tomorrow downfall is one of the best of all time based on his secretary eclipse from that everyone uses as the meat and a documentary with the secretary yes Hitler had a secretary to watch all World at War that she is awesome I would have liked to have punched up that script downfall cuz I would have one scene where I walk in I go I just got back from
has she been acting strange this she seemed angry to you
but I probably would have played I probably would have played who would I have played maybe mostly he
that would be a reason to tell me the best B Storage or World War LL Cool J call me I’ll do Jay I don’t like it just hang me in the Public Square
I got two different from my memory of a high school World War II history and sex part of Italy was sort of on the Allied side towards the end of the war I found out
what is the Del Oro
play it’s so weird like like like because people were like they’re actually didn’t have cameras on them ever so they were like yeah I’m going to do this because I saw a completely like left surrenders and he goes to Nazi Germany and you guys have a plane Hitler seize Mussolini who’s lost so much weight cuz he’s digging his big hail robot Yul Brynner with a workout plan kind of thing looks like the Pringles logo rest of your ear at your matologist in a in a fantasy world player what is your what is your opinion about how do you what’s your Take On Me
how how would you cast yourself if you had to portray a roll back in the van or how do you see yourself after they get the most they get the most fun you know
they’re not really do if they don’t have their name in history you know but they they did all sorts of terrible great things
I didn’t expect you to go that direction I love you
what was the question what kind of Nazi would you be about
because if that is the case then everything’s fine he would have been
that’s why I be the fun
did you buy that
oh and the fun fun fun
it’s it’s 1940 where’s that mean
it means not whales yeah
I’ll go there if I need a Spice Girl
Harmon
the year is 1940 Shadow run
create create a situation with Dan wakes up his character origin World War II appoint your character origin
World War II
I’m going to come on Normandy not really a history Guy farting you’re hungry nope
okay alright I also for you
beginning
10
literally just started supervisor good thing and briefly made it your problem
just like nope
and jumped in he started doing Shadowrun I feel like I hit the crib. He laid out
I gave him a chance to do it I thought you wanted if I can get in there to pick me up for work everyday and every time I open the car and get in he goes and then we drive and then there was that Wednesday remember like we hit a pothole or something or I can cost and wait why did that happen because I realized
because the bump in the road made me make the sound I make when I’m getting into a car
what’s up and over there
it was uplifting and the Joan armatrading which is all you can ask from God I love the money but I hate it I don’t know what to do
what were you going to say I don’t know if you would be yes I promised I would play Rommel great desert get to go down that goes down to the desert further
get away from the water and a cheap challenge you have to Dad out was it you you have to triangulate
why do a rear guard entry that sounds bad I don’t know anything about oh yeah just emotionally fire up the tank so you know you have the tank
but I can only test this and they losing millions of life you want to go out until Tuesday I was just thinking like you just put yourself in charge of everybody like you go like I’m in charge of all the armies and then you secretly tell one guy like right underneath you go I don’t ever tell me anything like like like like but but like did you let me go let me do my thing and then and then you just run the whole the George W bush and Cheney
would you like if you were a strategist what you would do is you would go like oh don’t tell me anything and then let me fucking like stand and balconies and because if I slip off it’ll be the fucking greatest strategy since DJ like it’ll be like that cuz I’ll just be like this sounds like it’s someone would see through it at some point
why is there a guy underneath the podium, who was that you were this sucks my dude
I just have to watch Police Academy through this like post Boat Trip Post Post Post Caitlyn Jenner poster 2015 World. Just watch a movie called Police Academy just like the one of the runners with a big like inside the head of all the police thinks that Steve Guttenberg fellated him right and show you understand it’s just like
apparently not gay but 60 is and it’s not the joke is it that the, God is like in the closet the joke is that the countdown is like I’m so straight that I I I don’t want that blow job to get to me but it felt so good right we were so in the closet back then that we were healthier a little people in the center square and we like celebrated like a while at 8
you know we celebrated gayness like I know where that we couldn’t a fright that knowledge that it was offensive to the humanized like there’s that day when you graduated being taken seriously and everything stops being a celebratory but you’re right though and the fact that you can’t really have someone like Paul Lynde because yeah but the fact that we didn’t like nobody knew what was going on back then and the biggest bands were queen and the Village People right I don’t care if you’ve ever heard of them listen to those names was not to anyone in the Wisconsin there there there was it was not known as it’s a given anything to do right and yes of Lifestyle
now it’s the Navy they’re following it with I I don’t know they’re like any other group they sing about
I’m Queen Freddie Mercury was like a fucking belt in that house of America was like yeah people are great to see that cuz I took 30 years later but but like the idea that like like like like yeah obviously like they’re not to be stereotypical but there’s a lot of games that Progressive to say it anymore like 5 years ago it was like I love gay people there so talented now it’s like you weird homophobic
that was my closer was let’s hear it for the case but
all all of that made it is late 80s Giant pool of talents like like so many of them died as artists and singers and like like a visual artist that you lost you know I can text me but great minds writers politicians like pot like a huge swaths of an incredibly intelligent hip happenings like a section of our population gone and I don’t know that we totally recovered from that like I think that’s a huge like one of the reasons that way we went to a little bit of a cultural down slide I want some quality at last there was a guy that made brick wall behind so I got the prickling boo
when are they going to bring back then you can make fun of money that’s what the big giant
you know I still call Gallagher in June and ask him what melons look good for Subway what he’s using them Justin that’s what he’s doing he’s ruining perfectly good fruit if you tell me Nick I thought that was your food that was someone was going to throw away
help me if you tell me next that his jokes could have fed people I will lose my mind and make sure that they were all rotten and not good to eat I wish I hadn’t said that too as well or dead okay Andy Andy
what are you what is this tragedy Club you and Reagan turn there is a guy with a hammer for a head that play Killing on Star Search there’s a lady that place to buy a gun to your head I would go. Go. Go typical Jew
that’s all I thought I thought we were open and now it’s not he wasn’t going to say I get up and look at a stainless steel mirror and wonder what my hover cars are going to do it wasn’t any I got one scene for a while after that one scene for the Rommel movies me is Rommel what do you mean
Thanksgiving
Andy Taylor in drama Bravo
I admire you so much
thinking about that during the show right
that’s right but it’s not I won’t take it personal no I think I have a lot of problems and I do have ADHD that kind of thing I know I’m plugged in are you kidding me
do you want to go back to my do you say cuz you said I said what would you what would your cuz it’s crazy I would be the guy who I can’t even think of a really happy thing but would be good for me so I’m parodies
based on what can we get a couple times. You’re good at like like like like they said you were actual like oh shit I want to survive and I’m being told that in order to survive I have to like stick out right almost like this Cavalcade of where loud loud suits
what but what do I know I bought this suit
I can be Reagan got Reagan guy Reagan guy
Kevin Meaney do you know Kevin me I love Kevin still around like he just like landed it’s so funny if you land on shit like Larry the Cable Guy is like not even from the South videos of him do a joke about velcro but at one point in his stand-up act there’s like a guy that comes over with cable and he does his impression of this idiot that coming over with cable right and then
timid meaning singers that like like an excuse is it just itches itches mother.
Brake pads cable yeah that’s right but you don’t learn something about, Depot. Everything is just before Dane Cook all right
Gilbert Gottfried used to do a thing when I was when I was like 15 years old humblebrags easy watching me Gilbert Gottfried special and I was like I said it was like holy shit this guy’s a goddamn genius because he would come out
it doesn’t really matter the performance style but I’d I do it like this and I do it like that but then he would pause and tell her I told you all that why would you do something like that
I used to do
amazing perfect but I didn’t even know it was just funny that he was just doing like a dialog he was doing it and I do the joke and I do the setup fine pause it’s not something you want to do
how are you discreet should people as I go Groucho a little bit I like that because I ship Landing in the and the head Martian came up to me and he said Thank is ours a good actor how come he can’t get a series
Bankers are was it was a good actor
cast of Eddie’s Father don’t know how to desalinate seawater
here’s a hint you boil it it’s just too expensive if you’re all going to die
you should have your own your own tablet
it’s too expensive to make it drinkable that’s your hook that would be your catchphrase
if you put half the money you put into NASCAR your water in your water might be too expensive this area I have no idea cuz I’m a hack and I’m old and whatever
I probably go to Butcher my own on funny tweet and it was just like the joke was just it was quote life isn’t given to people Amanda has a test and I’m giving it a dash Fox leak dialogue from the trailer for Foxworthy by Aaron Sorkin
because he’s famous for giving a redneck test that I got so many treats people that guy in particular like a scratch that off my list and I want to meet back at 2:42 but I’m like what what do you mean like because he’s he’s not he’s not being kind of silly but he understands it I didn’t get his joke the premise of the joke aside and so I was no longer a lot but you’re still going to go see the movie right
Andy goes well now that is yes to further bury the shame of my bad attempt at humor yes I will go see it and I said
there’s a movie called Foxworthy they’re going to have to
with the guy that you thought of immediately so it wasn’t a lame joke in a world where is that movie exist
and he’s like okay yeah you’re right I guess I just like the idea
seeing those rednecks walking out of the movie theater puzzled
yeah dumbass has yeah people failing a test like the famous test
The Jeff Foxworthy what happened to the test there at the end and what’s the famous test and I don’t think people would consider it a test redneck when a test on you if you can’t answer the phone
you just might be a redneck
why is that wasn’t called Pollock jokes or
you might be a redneck if I’ll can you tell when a redneck to screw the lightbulb he said you might be a redneck if
any of his concept with that now I realized its it seems like a familiar saw he’s going to eventually find out that I was busy worried about him the rest of the day that guy like what if I done and I hurt his feelings are nothing but people in the virtual environment I mean
took different flights out of New York I landed in Seattle. I had a bunch of notifications so I can make him stop to the origin story I had a Twitter meltdown
is this true
of course it’s true
ever argue with it if someone says you have a Twitter meltdown
Andy by the time Dad finish the story I want three more Rommel jokes
bring know that’s not what you did with my Petty stories about defend everybody else in the world which is like huge what’s going on and how how do I look how do I look well this is happening in my bombing and my not Bob and general every competition every minute every do I bomb my bombing is am I going over well so that’s what you have any problem was with some onions comfortable improv that we could all just be honest about the fact that we all are constantly concerned that it is confident and wonderful as we had think we all are that there’s a word for something that doesn’t need any input at all or any person
other people eyes which is like a fucking rock or a delay. We are going to be that it’s like we’re packing it up and like like trying to make sure that we’re driving okay and it’s world’s the irony that we also know that people don’t like people that aren’t confident people that are that are exactly right we all do that only if you’re self-aware you do that
then I have to carry you and then you go where my footprints and I’m like motherfuker
H9 jokes to Foxworthy movie at yours and I’m the Jesus is in that sweet and it’s the first when you make a joke and then someone tries to tag your joke with your literal joke or as if they came up with a lot kill yourself quickly to make up an example if you’re watching a soccer game I’m going to make up an example cuz I don’t want to try to rip like real things. Like I thought it was I thought it was weird of Pele to
I just turned Eric soccer check traffic current cast your memories back to the early seventies you want to hear you guys about a deflate gate but I thought it was weird so to hand out such and such I am, so they sent a reply so I can eat that we’re people who simply read what you said and apparently assumed that what you are in their life is just like some piece of Driftwood that provide just fucking undertaking information and they’re just like they got their blinking tie out of there just like how about a connected to that and it’s like wait a minute what the fuck I just
recognizable as a joke but don’t I that’s what I would have gone with him
Merry
Pele breaking silence some is going to absolutely totally misinterpret literally nothing research for us to find out that if somebody was like what do you mean it was at that that doesn’t seem like a good thing for Pele to do it off thank you thank you sir quite like that 1% of the audience but it still counts for me like I’m going to work hard I’m a Kindler about it I’m a Kindler scrambles by circuits is when somebody is like like daylight more like Melee
fictional I made a joke you live you live in a joke world
erasing a universe you didn’t even think about anything you’re just didn’t do anything. Why are you on Twitter you’re such a loser I love you know what your piece of shit did you like making that guy feel bad with Jess what you’re fat
oh so so it’s bad to me
but you’re fat and you’re not funny and you still got chance up and you don’t think I know what you’re trying to do and it doesn’t feel like anything that’s my point. I can’t see
real toy B I ran into the street and smash the Ferrari that was driving by and plucked bleach likable background person and then shifted in that moment and then it’s head off after saying I’m going to fight this guy’s head off so you know why and I’m very unhappy with myself if that happened to the one fucking guy to deserved it. Don’t follow me if you don’t like it
put all of the fucking leg like this weird like contingent to people like I saw the page magazine article
I am so sorry that this guy don’t ruin my kitchen at 3 a.m. and something to something called page magazine I am not complaining about that at all
destroy them fighting so mean to them as I kissed you can’t even hurt my feelings
Japanese game show that hurts so bad you’re right I am so famous
I really am so untalented for how much money I have you’re doing great have you considered being Hannibal Lecter
you really got that saying exactly what’s going to undo this whole thing down
I went
and I was watching my dogs take a shit after 14 hours of me going like I did this and then people are like I saw that I died this is my only place I had a bag. Fucking said I’m going to pull his kids legs off then I did it I ride went back to it several times very funny
I feel nothing it’s my whole point I said it has never been more confident any anything I’ve done in my entire life
what is the opposite of a meltdown help build up
as long as it’s something that never happens in a land was worth
Pat Roach
like I said it went through them like I’m just know it’s just funny you was like an art piece like I don’t know this person why are people so rude to each other and I kept saying weird it’s almost like you shouldn’t be mean to people
you never know what someone is going to be really good at it
crazy but I’m not mean to people I’ve never seen a bad thing the fucking this guy terrifies me
hey look up Richardson yeah I know how we’re going to be projected on this mission where it sank
how much is Richard Richardson has like a rival has been really into a relationship right he’s like look at the rebel I play to the guy in the back
I don’t trust it I don’t trust us to Churchill who’s Hyundai through the carpet down for a thousand year Reich Richardson so help me God
do you give me that fucking look at what I do when I do Richard said you know what you do running what why why are you so nervous all the time every race other than white people I will personally make sure that your children are paired in a way that makes them the new minority
and it won’t be hard because all science points to the idea that extension he is the key to genetic Health General I hate to interrupt you talking to the real or is just part of the pit
I was just saying is that wrong
you’re the general yes I’m just saying there’s a war happening and we need you at the front to your kibbutz the last thing I need right now is you’re aggravating War news I’m being my even more protective quarters I want to know what you started could have better the front of the room the Anti-Defamation League worth
oh too much chocolate for finally Santa finally Adam Sandler comes down to confront me
Leno’s out there
trailer with a car that runs on his patented head shake
renewable energy
Evergreen saw receiving only Footprints straight
how about one of my favorite things you ever did you eat your egg bees and you went off on the Dennis Miller for a hundred years he’s so sad now
he’s so smart you listen to him I am radio you ever buy a smart mouth like he hates doing it like a breath like a breath of short type thing because he’s got he’s got a smart mouth that’s conservative Heaven if you like Synergy baby Synergy since Pepsi turned out to be the most favorite soda in Back to the Future to some other references they really
liberal went well here’s the truth. The truth is is that used to why Kevin Rooney was the guy used to work on his show and I think he was very politically aware funny black and white movie I think you was a foal liberal I think he was always use a people pleaser
not for me as a liberal like wow I thought he was always unpleasant
cool that you’re fine because I tried to do all the right votes in all the right otherwise it’s you’re going like images of label is Kyle is rich in Santa Barbara and miserable since 9/11 miserable like those personal miserable and then use that as a very like I’m using a voice I’m just like you were
these colors don’t run from New York City is known as the wall those guys when they were living up there David Feldman and Brian were saying in the Washington you remember that is this after the change. I was way before 9/11 is that what you meant to say I don’t remember that change yet how do you stab his most famous was like a black and white is the funniest one but I don’t even know if that would be funny even be like he would be liberal like about gay issues and things like that but then he would be like yeah that’s right I am always wear that way
who cares about gay people as long as I got money but I thought that he was a politically aware guy I don’t think you really ever was the guy who knows references but doesn’t really know what they mean necessarily right memory for any reference let those people look Marlena Dietrich dead more I love it though means he’s James Adomian
so many great people Maria Bamford has so many great people I always by Mike Ron funches
Andy Kindler for keeping a gender balance in the shout out to Young comics of the day to the same Kindler the ghosts of pirates
give me my Timbers
Southwest Airlines
if you could resurrect like somebody dead like a dead, you can go see him do a set right now I would pick Lenny Bruce the only the only thing that I’ve seen is what I actually enjoy but like he will like it is the performance film which is the last year so I’ve seen things on Steve Steve Allen but like Richard Pryor we have that concert film was still the greatest thing of all time I think that specially made but we don’t have that Lenny Bruce as much except on the record about you know what they’re talking about they saw him perform live at like at their relationship with Lenny Bruce is way different than what I get for the movie Lenny the which is like nothing like what about the heck did you you must have I got this work with it I worked I was very lucky I got to work with Bill Hicks what the week after he got sober in 1988 three weeks in a row
and he just said he was like kind of so angry and so hilarious and when I use it in Grand Rapids Michigan next week and you people will still be here in this shit hole
I haven’t seen very readily accept that the myth is 100% and more like like accurate but I also wonder do Comics need that figure in their life of the guy that went rogue and became the funniest guy in the world and then and the big pizza and then pass out so I don’t know if I see him and they go I mean I think he’s one of these things like people who did see Lenny Bruce live or did I mean Bill Hicks live was unbelievable do seem like he was so like seamless in that he was talking to the crowd the way he would talk and so I think that that might be missed if you see this stuff on video he has a lot of stuff on it filmed but
people get caught up in the the I don’t know they get caught up in the fucking like well I kind of tried to be like him for the worst of the Milwaukee did the post Bill Hicks
that mad about anything
heard so much. You are so funny date minutes ago yeah yeah that’s a dresser drove Bill Hicks out of his mind yeah it says it’s in Milwaukee Wednesday at 5 I have never I’m not saying I don’t like I’m going to say no and here’s why it’s 10 and I am ashamed of one thing in my life and that is my stand upset when I was 17
yeah but you know the Milwaukee thing though was a we’d have cameras in like right now you have an acid wash jacket because you are a Despicable Rascals comedy club and they somehow I remember sign the release and I can see my face as I sign the papers I get so they have all this when I first started I was scared to death but I did see a joke I like which was a wrote like a 1989 about the Joker Jews are possessed with the Hitler cuz we can’t remember anything about the pharaoh
I also did a lot of
I absolutely promise you that it’s not like a bit in the story of my life is that I would go like know you hate you hate you hate it people like digging up very very okay with that are member I used the c-word in my act like a lot I thought at 17 and the reason you successful Comics didn’t use it and Andrew Dice Clay did is because he was smart and brave
and I used the c-word in a giant chunk of my bed about how I didn’t like women at my college that were of a certain category that were doing over today
just pretty unpleasant in what way I did and then I would talk about jerking off for a while which is like fine where it’s safe territory like is like that’s fine like Lake like just punish yourself but and then I was at the time Jeffrey Dahmer had just eaten a bunch of people so I had a lot of Dahmer jokes
Doug about your Lean Cuisine
Bravo your lips to my setlist
not none of them that funny or someone over having someone’s jealous again I closed with a it was a wrap it was a song it was like I don’t know what my what my promise was I don’t know why it was in the country western theme it was a song about masturbation I would make the audience to clap and I would sing the song it was me writing about masturbation
wearing at what you talk about how bad they were you know if you ever been genuinely ashamed players like like no this isn’t cute play it’s a fucking I hate those experiences unless you’re at word genius the first time or something like that I know why I’m talking too much like he was a couple years older than me which I will now emphasize the years of Milwaukee drops bits were like like what what if what if what if the bat signal came on while Batman was taking a shit
that’s like that’s good bad lately lately I like oh my God that is other bit was like oh you know Tonto and and Bones from Star Trek their main job was telling their boss that people were dead and then we would talk about that and then you would know you would do a split screen effect where he would do him did give us Tommy he’s dead
call that the split screen and it was 1991. It was awesome and I was doing country western songs of making people clap about Dahmer like it was like this there’s a different there’s a kind of bad that makes you like
can I have already taken so much
Andy Kindler everybody
Vegas restaurant Jeff Davis one more time for a man with your dad cuz we thought we sold out the first New York show so we we did a second one the the night after I work pretty concerned one day before the day so I can remember when you get home so I don’t know but 13th birthdays are coming up I think 13th and sold out already or if you have a lot of discretionary fund someone apply yourself a first-class from a town with a at the Ritz-Carlton at the first show and you’re like the one upside of having no actors that you won’t hear anything twice please come to both shows also the second shelf clothing optional
but you got to drive fast to take campus