Episode: 313 – Ducks Don’t Be Gay


Episode: 313 – Ducks Don’t Be Gay


Self destructive writer Dan Harmon claims he will one day found a colony of like-minded misfits. He’s appointed suit-clad gadabout Jeff Davis as his Comptroller and bearded dreamboat Spencer Crittenden as his Dungeon Master. It’s like a neurotic town hall meeting, often with alcohol and famous people. Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis and Spencer Crittenden.


can I get a u
from downtown Los Angeles are there about to MacArthur Park at the Dimetapp harmontown
it’s time to have a game master on stage
well I got good news for you because we have Spencer Crittenden
are there it is
but what is a Hermit and without a mayor the mayor of Hermantown Apartments
Hip-Hop Hip-Hop Hip-Hop Hip-Hop don’t leave me alone, except me.
that’s it I was going to be your man but you fucking Bale I was going to Hype man you and using you stop rapping clients client we’re going to slowly build a rap yeah next week we like like like
I’ll do better than that I want top of any household appliance that could have been good
Jan-Michael Vincent Defiance wow she got Shin fire hydrants
is that something that works thank you
oh maybe push people’s buttons I’m not going to I’m going to make sure that I use my I statements and I’m going to I’m going to talk from a place of human vulnerability if I say something that is a a political point of view or philosophical point of view about Society whatever I’m going to try to make sure that I’m not saying will these people listen to those people that I don’t know those people I know I know myself I’m going to be honest and I’m going to say what I feel and so my I was just I was just explaining the Spencer backstage a dear friend of mine who give their anonymity because the people that people that that are passionate about things should I don’t want I don’t want no conversation I’m having with this person who keeps recommending this Jordan Peterson guy like you got to listen to Jordan Peterson and and I keep going like like yeah I will
Atlanta yet it’s on season 9 so so when I when I when I don’t bother to do something it’s not because I hope I don’t think it’s because I’m stubborn or or doing something however I do keep saying I’m going to listen to him because you say you’re smart as interesting and all the stuff but I will tell you that every every link you sent me and everytime I Google it keeps saying like in in it so it says from his from his fans and God knows people’s fans can misrepresent them unintentionally they how do you know that but but but it doesn’t say things like you know Jordan Peterson debunk the concept of white privilege disproves the pay Gap above and and
like they go I know it’s not about the politics and it’s not that’s not that’s not the point I just think he’s really interesting but there’s always it’s like I never I never get a what what why is your plumber it was it what is it what do you mean because the headline is did he tell you how to install backsplash in your kitchen the reason I bring it up is not it was not too certainly want this person to continue to I like people to share like if you’re into somebody we we bonded early on we love our Noam Chomsky like like who knows if he’s falling in and out of fashion the butt butt butt
suck suck suck some some people could could could turn red in the face when you mentioned his name some people roll their eyes automatically some people are very familiar with him and will do either of those things some people not familiar at all will do those things like you and I started the Friendship to talking about cuz I knew him as a linguist and and and you know him as a political dissident and then we exchanged things and and all these things though I don’t want anybody to ever be afraid that they’re going to suggest I read something or listen to something that because I’m going to make a schnoodle Lehigh Road them I brought it up because it’s caused me to do some soul-searching here cuz I’m explaining to the person that we taught me some things about myself that that that I want to get off my chest which is like this it’s like I don’t I don’t I am not ashamed of the of the idea of what my detractors would call virtue signalling I I
white knighting or whatever kind of code for that stuff I don’t understand unless you want to challenge society and change it go to Toe to Toe with it or get paid to talk about it why would you want to do anything other than make it not till you I like the therapist saying or do you want to be happy or do you want to be right like I want to be happy so likely isn’t that what virtue signalling is isn’t it like if you’re 45 white straight Rich standing on top of a pile of money what why is it why it why is it a betrayal why is it a bad move to shout down to all the poor people that you can hear you I’m going to do every
Champs that help you don’t set this on fire I’m on top of it
I like you and would like this to continue the way it is
I’d like a region may be concerned that the money just in a pile like I seems like she’s that also I want to let you know I actually don’t think this is the ideal situation I’m going to try it
harder to achieve some changes because boy I can see your house from here and it’s very small
lake lake lake I died like people think that it’s somehow I counter argument to say to that you’re just saying what you think people want to hear said that you don’t get beaten up for supper when did that become a valid point of view like ogres are we revolutionaries when we when we like tell the truth is it’s about knowing the truth like you I want to really go home tonight and crack a book if I have a choice between two books and one says Bama lesbian colon how women are treated unfairly and has been since the dawn of humankind asterisk notice we didn’t say mankind because fuck men and then the other book is like the big lie liberalism is
no different from Nazis and why Nazism isn’t that bad anyway
which I I still have I still I still have that one for sale on Amazon right now if you want to end up spending more than you made you’ve kept your you’re being a real tough on a cap on that say right now the sinking ship and I’m like I got one book for the next 10 years I’m going to not because I’m so fucking Noble and open-minded I’m going to come to take the the feminist book because it’s going to have more information that that I don’t already have and don’t suffer from you now I’m kind of like I don’t get it just read my book just give it a chance
I don’t want to know I don’t want to be able to if I I don’t want to be in a Convent what time are safe do I ever going to have in the future where I’m going to be thinking this would go so much better as bad as it’s going. It would go better if I just had the academic shops to prove that maternity leave is unfair the fucking noodle for it
I do have the noodle for it that’s the problem whether I believe it passionately or not what I don’t have in my head is blue is the is the reasons why people be talking about other stuff and I want to I want people to like me
where do you stand on Building 7 what is the what is the least popular opinion of what I I eat it it’s Spencer said something really funny who is Jordan Peterson thing what do you what you were talking about the natural naturalist thing when you’re going like some of the stuff is like people say you going to listen to this guy and then you listen to the guy and it’s like always so smart and it’s like they got a PhD and they’re like oh man they gave us a lecture and it was so amazing the way they broke it down and like a lot of it comes down to like naturalism probes or it’s like hey people aren’t naturally monogamous or the way humans work isn’t like this or that it’s like and I and I said yeah but people don’t poop in toilet naturally like we just kind of hit
and you said you said yeah and it’s summation of the naturalist fallacy is like is like hey man. Don’t be gay
that’s that that’s the fallacy people say yeah does naturalization see is the Ducks don’t be gay oh this is a natural therefore it’s bad and then they say like oh you know like like an argument against gay marriage is like Gabe being gay is a natural it’s like Duck Ducks aren’t gay in the wild animals are gay and then of course animals are gay in the wild but like but like that it’s a fallacy that people make to to prove their point when they get spit a fallacy is an invalid argument by Nature anyway alright I do a lot of research I love it I’m on I’m online all the time checking things. Things who knows if they’re good or bad I don’t know it’s the internet but basically everything that I understand about Jordan Peterson just comes down to that fallacy it’s like well actually it turns out like lobsters like kill each other and so like it’s fine to want to kill each other
like you know it’s just all that fallacy where it’s just like we’ll know that’s not true that you have anything else and I don’t know if your wife I want to fuck your wife is like sorry excuse me like you wouldn’t have security escort that person out right because he doesn’t believe in marriage and he be happy if he is married to have a stronger person with a louder voice. That felt like talking at that moment like microphones aren’t fucking cavemen this person cuz I don’t want to commit the crime of like making a UE view views may be read or heard him I’m I’m I’m just playing I’m just saying like in 58 countries and stuff like that when did when did you ever get the impression that you wanted to be
like what I just said it so confounded by it and I kind of like maybe I wasn’t confounded by at six years ago, and I know if you listen to the podcast you’re going to hear me take the complete 180 is on a lot of fundamental stay the night I do I’m not going to chalk it up to turbulent times or anything changing I’m going to I’m going to first and foremost say I’m old I am I’m think God successful I just I just had this amazing like weird unsettling couples therapy session with Cody or we went we went into to get the 60000 mile check-up antenna
we were like it was a because we had back-to-back sessions that we’re going to be solo but if we come in together that is like like that’s our Choice and then so is like basically like it could it could have been a 2-hour session or two to whatever 50 + 50 is a hundred a hundred session
when is 50 + 50
it was like way more than like 20 minutes before the end of it all were clearly the therapist just ran out of gas it was like like by virtue of our happiness I don’t look I don’t know what to tell you guys
are you sure you love each other and you communicate and and I got a pretty long day of heterosexual couples like fucking bring it down with a bunch of shit about the same thing you’re talking about cuz they don’t know how to do what you guys do which is just like each other don’t you think it’s I think it’s working
and you know what it’s it’s fine I’ll go eat I’m hungry but like like like we’re fucking perfect do you know we did it
and I got to tell you I think I’m a perfect individual as well so you know do you know what you’ve nailed it with your therapist when you bored her to pieces and she wants to get the fuck out of it and I kind of project on there cuz I’m a Storyteller I’m kind of just thinking like oh she’s a married lesbian I wonder if part of hers thinking like
I hear it outside cuz it cuz it’s like we’re supposed were talking about what we going to move in together and and you know we we we we think about children but we don’t think about children and all this stuff and like just kind of like I know it’s probably not the case cuz she just makes these faces Jazzy’s like faces she makes when she’s actually like when she’s certain about things in the kind of just like doubles as someone who is secretly hateful but I doubt that it’s not like I was just kind of like
seems like it’s working I like thinking that she wants to stab her eyes out cuz she’s like my time to go home to my god dammit
that is not me saying it was being there less happy
no not yet that’s exactly what you said is exactly what you just said but I absolutely The Grass Is Always Greener credibly happy because you probably have to and I’m sure they fight all the time like it like cats and cats all right come on
stupid dumb stupid dumb jokes but I was happier than couples because you then it’s probably a room like a kind of a different form of of not but it’s still it’s still a dehumanizing took to say I bet gay people are happier than straight people you’re still saying like you know because they’re so different but because I picture I picture a gay couple like like the gay partner number one comes home and and puts their game
because I didn’t want to be like the guy can’t be like the gay husband because that’s a good thing we do is like the Caboose
I’d like straight straight people when I like projectors
I had to learn that that’s that’s not a thing that they love what they keep fucking like listening you you’re going to be wrong about shit and you try to achieve I going I’m going to stop it you’re doing this wrong
but I always picture regardless that I picture here’s where I put my picture how do you put your partner number one comes home with Gabriel case down
because they didn’t let their job to find them because their fight with kids when they go to work it’s with a gate because I’m more on that later okay that’s about personal fulfillment black briefcase identity they put their briefcase down and then a couple Gay Part participant in gay couple number two
is in bed doing a crossword and and says how was your day and and the answer is you know it was an a n a rattle off like a bunch of things that make your day neutral Gary at work still still doing the thing right cuz my briefcase gay and
Danny keeps trying to prove he’s not homophobic by asking those questions about who wore the tux at the wedding and instead I just picture them going like but I know one thing for sure I love you and then it’s probably an internal process not an external one but I picture inside their brains I’m going like I’m able to believe that more than the average straight person because this isn’t fucking sanctioned it’s more difficult to get here it was harder to like eight there’s already friction in just getting here about myself and then I found you and then the two of us are together and that who knows who approved that or not but in any case boy when we wake up in the morning we really have to ask ourselves why
I want to do this and if we and if we fucking stop wanting it took Newtonian physics a fucking fling it apart like our parents will pay us like that. Thank God you’re straight I knew it all of that like it you know it’s like that’s probably that’s an example of how you can have the you can be an advocate you can be a supporter and you can still be you know part of the problem because because I’m thinking of these people is a different species I’m thinking of them as Marvel versus DC or something like a guy but they have Green Lantern meetings where they can make sure parties out of that as long as they’re not yellow I just can’t believe that you that you think of briefcases as being binary where I’m at
you don’t think you guys know when I’m picturing when I say straight briefcase
I know you fucking tell me what you think of when you think I’m straight briefcase brown ass
fucking thing with the dial code and the fucking combinations your birthday cuz your fucking sister and her heteronormative piece of shit
and who cares about the codes probably 1234 cuz you know what’s in there a bunch of fucking pictures of the opposite sex naked
good safe good morning myself I’m delightful
you are a member of the right to remain the Harlem Globetrotters beat the Washington generals was not real basketball all up again like I got a bucket of confetti in my shorts
it’s being fucking real
you have to subscribe to see that I really did it for $5 if he didn’t have any confetti any shorts
yeah so anyways I don’t know I just had that conversation with my friend thank God I have a friend who’s like pushing Jordan Peters now because that make me happy if I don’t stay on the schedule of our promise to listen to him tomorrow it’s probably because I’ve actually made a decision in my life I should have knowledge which is that I’m a little more interested in boning up on how to function like I’m I’m more interested in how to let people know that despite the shape of my face the placement of my eyebrows that the Google Auto Solutions of my name the the everything that you may have heard about me that actually I am very interested in you being comfortable with me and the end if that’s actually like if you see me outside of my house it’s because I chose to leave the house and then while I’m outside the house I actually regarded as a shared world with you and that I would like to make sure that you don’t leave the conversation frowning even if you’re crazy
clay clay clay clay clay because the one out of 10 people is another like well we can’t fucking let them shape the opinions of strangers or like what if we get a leg leg legume are we going to be against a guy Mark David Chapman so you know like like lately get the expensive like not meeting more novas or or or Gene Gene cooks or or or or Spencer’s or this guy Jeff Davis
I have a trans briefcase would you would you describe it
oh shit goddamn goddamn hot male Loop
I’m going to pour myself a drink while you describe your chance pretest
it’s name is Tamara and it holds folders and pens it’s got a little pouch that I usually put like the book I’m reading in and it enjoys being a briefcase that’s great
hey can I just I talk to this person who may have been crazy point pretty recently in not too far from here actually it was like off of Wilshire or whatever there is a guy that I locked my car in a parking garage and so I had to get an Uber or a way to my house and then I took it back in the morning and he was there both times and at night I wanted to give him money but I haven’t seen the morning and came back and get money and then we were talking and he was like he’s like you know all the I used to be a chiropractor all these chiropractors are quacks man all these chiropractors again put into jail because they’re killing people they’re breaking their carotid arteries when they’re given adjustments meant I know I wrote the book on chiropractor you know me my name is Doctor John chiropractor and he was like unwrapping is your rapper no no
like he is like he really had a pretty tight whatever what I mean Cadence and so like he was just going on but it was like at first it was like you know that I used to be a chiropractor on hard times and I was like oh crazy and then then he was like yeah you know all these chiropractors are killing their face and stuff and I was like well why do you why are you talking about that like that’s why don’t you know I don’t have any intersection of chiropractors other than you right now they killed these she ever going to be like so anyways I’m not licensed but you look like you’re back hurts and I promise I won’t break your carotid artery no no it was none of that he wasn’t he wasn’t trying to do anything we’re just talking to you know I’m sure you see just wanted to say what’s up
I sat next to a guy at El Cholo is that the name of the what is
and it shows that there were there were cheese available at the bar there was a fella at the bar who was wrapped in the American flag and I had a cowboy hat on and he was a little guy and and he was like eating tortilla soup like it was like fuck the last like it like it like it had oxygen in it and he was on Mars
and I was like oh I know where I’m sitting and I know what I’m ordering and
and I sat down next to him and when I did he was like what’s up
yeah like kind of like challenging like like like yeah I’m wrapped in American flag and he’s like and then he went back to his soup damn I just sat there and I was like yeah because I proved not judgmental and I don’t have to talk to him to prove it yeah
I sat next to the exact right person because I
but maybe I don’t know it’s just a word of advise me that person that you look at it tin foil robot trying them makes you the best person I’ve ever had literally wrapped it an actual flag for that way
and this is like if you press X to diffuse the situation kind of and right now you know this is the only one this was the one that is a right when was this Levy was with me we were meeting my two year with Livvy was always a bad journalism joke
I remember loads of songs that are you thinking one in particular yes it is it is it is from where I’m going to look it up real quick cuz I could do
his name is car
I’m so tired o yeah yeah I was in Las Vegas for a day and a half and that really takes it out of you or a oh my God I forgot okay here now if you want to plug into the thing I don’t want to freak out about copyright like it’s a 1970 song it’s by a guy named Clarence Carter It’s called it’s called Strokin
oh yeah
God damn mind in the front round
Columbia I’m dating a young lady 12 years younger than me there’s a lot of she’s a valley girl is a lot of things that she does not like every Christmas every Christmas day that we do this every Christmas but we never remember cuz we’re drunk we try to watch all the Die Hard movies and wow is a groundhog day I like I’m always like you’ve never seen die-hard know like will you got to see the sequel It’s really uncomfortable and okay let’s watch all of them okay the third one gets kind of amazing cuz it’s so intensely recently aware and we always have it comes up and says resume playing at it’s right at the end
we’ve done this before we’ve watched all the time cards we always fall asleep before the first snow Simon Says booby trap in the fountain is Rob and Chris Tomlin trying to watch all the Hellraisers and we fucking just gave up for real I know there’s what you’re raising your you’re holding up the number five I thought you were like like can I come up cuz there’s 11 and I got a degree in Die Hard at Columbia
Listen to True Crime podcast True Crime podcasts like all said the same thing a couple months ago there was this family they they they seventeen-year-old girl escaped from the family she called 911 and the cops showed up and she said my my siblings have been imprisoned for bucking 20 years in our house it was you might remember that I was like this news item about this this family that kept all thirteen of their kids like chained to their beds for like forever and some of them are in their twenties because he can’t have that many kids without some of them being in their 20s like like it takes like up to 9 months to make each one and a fellow once every three years or so they had full grown adults were like malnourished and the family is the last name is the turpins and Emery like holy shit what type of these terpenes and then I just started
the dogs are just kind of high and I’m like I’ve been chirping and Cody’s laughing I don’t like doing this and she’s like what is that song and I’m like I think it’s like what is it I’ve been smoking I’m smiling what is that song that goes like this and I believe in miracles what is the number before even playing this song is fucking strange it is so fucking weird for the weirdest reason because what time is it in or second or stroking or I don’t know part of the twist is it is that so I don’t say I don’t think I’m allowed to play it I don’t think if I assume like if I say like how about this like I mean like what is it like 35 Grand be like by like a Sara Bareilles song we can delete it anytime

I want to delete it tomorrow before it drop it the way it is a live performance in this room right now that I know where every week we might have to drop it and just go online and listen to it online
I type to these folks they they can’t do that that would be rude to the show
in a lot of like younger people in the audience that you know they’re like they’ve broken this is something that I’ll be doing tonight like the layout is it goes into broking is that something that are we doing tonight is always said instruction to the right now cuz I’m a Libra so you got to struggle to the last instruction to the right cuz I’m about I’m about balance on the plan I’m just just said the opposite right so it happened.
knowing it isn’t that I’m not
hey I know it to God if only have the lyrics written down I don’t need someone to know what is great we don’t have that in anything right Google anyway
so she says who is the protagonist in the first person I don’t like ugly by the way I’ve been Dracula this whole time out his name OK Google weather
coincide ever made love just before breakfast
that’s part way into the songs
here we go
okay so I don’t just make love I Be Strokin right so now I’m going to ask the question later what does he think we’re going to think he means
and what can he possibly mean if he doesn’t mean and I have I am I am the last person to shame him for this because I literally Be Strokin during making love in a variety of ways like I’m very like happy to involve self-pleasure in a in a weird intersectionality with fucking like sex is is it is it is a journey not a destination right it’s at you fucking hang out with somebody it’s a it’s a thing you do for a while and when it stops it stops and we’ll whoever stroke and stroke you have been
you you have been stroking in your own and you’re only she’s like you know you’re going to be in a relationship one day where you’re going to feel like masturbating while you’re playing a video game and your girlfriend’s going to be in the same building and you’re going to think I’m going to go find her and and and make it her problem as a as a as a as a path of least resistance I was going and I was like that’s not true that’s not how monogamy end up working like come on we tug one out weather in the shower and we could because we don’t want to like have conversations available but it’s like now that’s all about shame and I was like sure enough was like God damn I’m horny knowing that I’m there’s no shame in me being able to just fucking start stroking and Cody can either be fine with that or I go to is like like it’s not about getting caught doing it trying not to wake them up as it’s like like dick hard right stroke stroke and then like act like cuz she’ll she’ll do it to it
be watching Superman 2 and she’ll be like half and I’ll be like what you fart because no I came
oh you just masturbate and she said yeah I’m the fucking master and I’m like this pictures amazing and I’m off the hook forever like that is what you need is a partner during Superman to take John I got fired off that movie and she still okay
but she be strong can you be struck by I’m just saying like the guy that’s what it is I’m just saying in the first freeze Like lyrics we’ve crossed a threshold into his world because when I am making love I’m not just making love I’m also stroking and I’m like okay
maybe he has Like Oxygen loss to his brain tell me more Clarence Carter
a toy Trucking it to her
this is them your rap mentor
okay this list start better start getting way more fucking adventurous
because so far you’re literally listing the most common times for love making
but guess what he’s just going to run down a list of the laziest ways to make love but he is just enough on The Listener there’s a couple more items and he gets increasingly defiant like what about this
and every time it gets more and more common
I’ve never made love during a lunar eclipse Lovers Lane
okay at the end not on
are you are you the Munsters on the back seats and you drive an X Caliber
would prefer prefer De Niro’s character in Awakenings
picture of a mermaid love but when you were Seventeen and it was uncontrollable has dry humping ever let to making love but is he leaving to something grander. He’s leaning to a Segway that’s how did this song become a weird neurotypical challenge what is he a mansion a mansion is the other side of that are they saying we’ll know that’s very cool please continue or or like talking to his parents who are like it’s a four-poster bed or you’re going to hell or are they like saying yeah I have and he’s like well what about in the backseat of a car is like yeah I have a Google what about on the piano
she’s about to tell a story about about the backseat it’s like I said way it seems like very much like bragging so far walk you into my world where they look this different ways sometimes you in the story takes place the backseat of car because police are about to be involved and I don’t want you to picture them coming into my bedroom and yes I was in the back seat of a car and in case you’re going to be thrown by that leased car
no it wasn’t an apple
he’s in he’s inviting us into heavy hey hey he said he’s like being like Kenzie you know he’s going like hey how fucking straight are you man when it comes to locations and times where you’re making love you make love all over the place don’t you include in the back to the car are you freaky but he’s saying I’m not even that freaky I Make Love sometimes before breakfast sometimes during The Late Late Show sometimes on the couch sometimes in the back of a car I’m kind of walking you into my world where I am a regular person and I Be Strokin on regular TV can you just jump into a pool this Shallow Ridge where they take it to another place they walk you into Across the Threshold is Breaking All the Rules right away because the old is Eric Clapton it’s in the way that you use it
play Jodeci just it just starts for a while and then wild thing it’s like he kind of gets into it
okay so I just want to speak on behalf of the police there in that situation say still the same charges apply sir
I don’t know if you’re if you’re speaking of jurisprudence but our job is to put your dick back in your pants because your car is a place where police can see it when he goes to court I guarantee you his defense is going to be Define what stroking is coming and it’s coming and I don’t know if it’s something I don’t think it’s intentional because there’s another choice of the song that is intentional the one that’s unintentional is that he finally will use Strokin with it as a verb with a subject I don’t know if it’s the tractor I don’t get your subject but he’ll say what he’s stroking and you should lead with that or not be confused about the ambiguous respond Chuck Berry with open with whatever he was struck and then you can play the game of life I’ve got a little bell and I call it a ding a ling now let’s play fuckin salted salted nuts or whatever the SNL
sketches not communicate sophisticated that sketch oh he’s back for an eight-time salty balls what the fuck this is like a 1950s joke okay so just to me that wine that we just heard changes changes the meaning of the past lines because he’s saying all this stuff and it sounds Bagley but now he’s telling the story and so it read contextualizes the early line such that it sounds like he’s saying he’s trying to come up with a way to relate to is like oh you ever have sex on a on a couch no no what about in the backseat of the car okay okay that’s why I was having sex on the back seat of the car and a guy came up and so so remember I said earlier that I was stroking well that was just like this one time while I was having sex in the back of the car and this guy comes up to me is what are you doing I’ve been I’ve been Strokin you know and now she’s about to continue to explain what are you doing
guilty conscience sweet dreams can you go back
all right
by the way out
I’m not sure my dick hasn’t eaten a West okay
it’s important to find out
explain the best part
he needs to get a baseline tomorrow it’s important for this next part I’m about to explain
uh oh
okay I was just like he should make it hard long socks and shorts yet I can challenging
but here comes the thing that I can send it to us it’s going to be really subtle and I’ll have to die so okay
Central Time
I have to call PetSmart branding
okay the other night I was stroking my woman okay so now he’s so he was never talking about his cock cops come up and shine the light on me cuz I’m fucking stroke and man I have a civil right to do so is a stroke of someone skiing in a way that is if she’s talking with the stroke of the in and out of the dick, paint stroke in my one or you said you could use that and like I said because I think I think he’s talking about sucking well and I would say also in contrast to my Siri there I was like oh wait he’s the joke’s on me for thinking you was talking about stroking his penis is bent he what he in his refrain he says I stroke it to the woman that I like best which meat which means not is it means what are you stroking
stroking to something you can’t be stroking a piano to yeah it’s not afraid of intransitive verb
so I thought that was the twist but his twist is just propane
okay well I am anticipating yeah I a case closed if it’s not talking about fucking he’s talking about sucking and pussy and he got all her stuff is too tight if it’s too tight how is your ass looser but then
what kind of woman are you bringing home with you Clarence Carter too tight there’s always my ass but then he chooses that moment to get gym mirror and not say the word ass I know it will because he’s that’s the one thing that I’m too I’m thinking like we you know what she said to me like he just sings the rest of it then he finishes the song but like he might be thinking like you know it and then I stopped dating her because I’m not I’m not doing that I Be Strokin I mean like a neck rub like I’m like I like I like to cuddle but that’s not the case anyways well that’s the song broken by just good that he would have gave that story it’s good that he found out how often we have sex and whether or not we’ve done it on a couch otherwise how could we possibly have understood that winter stuff is too tight she we could do it there you know what it’s called
accusing me accuser last time you had sex and I didn’t say you weren’t stroking buddy when was the last time you had sex last night I did. That’s not relevant
how is that a way to respond to police shining a light on you I haven’t been back in stroke and I’m not stealing a rat fucking violated the zone you very understandably took it to a place where if a guy starts talking about I be stroking it sounds like he was masturbating it turns out no he’s he just he wants anal sex and is not getting it because the police are on his fucking ass it’s not just making love where I have a special name for it so I’m not going to call it making love because you’re a fucking plebe okay you make love like a fucking Barn animal or a or a priest I’m going to I’m a fucking hero when I make
a trademark a bull fucking like Brandy on your penis right now
I have to ask this as a police officer and I have to answer it as a stroker I answered some of my questions and I’ll be asking later because you clearly haven’t been on a couch
thank you Emily I will officer have you ever made love but I pay your salary at time of you made love
have you done it during the lately why sir sir why is there a compass on your pillow with it
because I stroke it to the east stroking to the touch with your flashlight. First I’m saying that this is a residential Community where there are strict rules about people making love in their automobile do they live
or do I live here went out and I might not moralizing for then then we can fucking kamu I’m a fucking Law Office dropped out of high school to stroke but you know the woman and also her not have herbs were leading questions you’re so bad at geography that you can’t just look at the Moon and know when you’re fucking to the east or the West
you know if you’re under arrest you’re not being detained or not make a right now to be used against you talking about Moon fucking step out of the car to be with your fascist are you about to be struck in me well no I’m just saying like I’m in a stroke and I was sure if you threaten to strike an officer right but that’s my bucking like I’m I am in my fucking chopped liver or you don’t love me at all or operating here I’m cooperating there’s nobody around there’s nobody around here so you caused the problem I don’t nobody knows why you stroke it sounds like you’re jerking off his seek me out cuz you had stroke in questions like minor I’d like I was minding my own business
you know like I I’d like like maybe I’ve made love every way you could possibly do it and I want to fucking find out if there’s better ways to do it like like I asked you some questions I already know you’ve never Strokes maybe you don’t like I don’t know what you call it sir I throw myself on your mercy like like like Emily it will you tell him that this is voluntary consensual so we can just get in the front seat of the car so she has to tell me if she has to tell me if you’re going to make her tell me that the stroking was consensual the whole time I’m going to stroke to her while she talks to you nobody nobody knows what that means it sounds fucking it sounds horrible it sounds like an awful thing that it’s like we’re through the Looking Glass man great
give me a right hand give me a ride home. You’re right you’re right
laughing your West Westend back their needs. I’m going to put the cuffs on you sir and Imma Be Strokin
South and spoke to your mouth from the south to the East and the West that’s why I was freaked out I need some rest and that’s confusing to me I’m a north-south stroker I get it now what’s your ethnic background I’m Portuguese because you’re awake by ley-lines I’ve heard it goes by it like magnetic Ley lines thank you next time if you’re going to be
okay I mean I don’t see what I’m not going to
I don’t understand why that has to be a rule just because that’s how you stroke so I got up and down
I get it now
I get what it’s like to be pontificate at 2 about stroking I’ve never actually had sex before breakfast
well it’s like a bingo card eventually everybody feels it it’s not it’s not it’s not about like I definitely what I’m trying to impart when I was when I was grilling you about that it wasn’t like oh you do it right I was just saying like
like like can we share the fact that was choked anyways
so I guess I’ll let you go with a warning get out of here drive home safely and look I got to tell you like if I ever see up here again like you know but you just going to keep keep it raw and keep moving along okay cuz I have a job to do and you got a job to do
really yeah mostly colleges and stuff like that cuz I suffer from severe depression and don’t diminish me by thinking that you already know the answers to my have you like when I eat I don’t just eat cuz you’ve already had sex cuz I be gluten
you eat gluten yeah I did gluten gluten to the east before breakfast
what I do I do it on the couch let me to tell him about the time you were gluten on the back seat of the car
and that cop came up
has anybody ever I wonder in the history of like police encounters when like I wonder if anybody has ever gotten the offer of a little let you off with a warning and like but like bins and been like no
I don’t accept your warning light let you know like lately cuz that you think that’s got to be a thing like somebody like you have warned me you pulled me over for a bulshit reason I don’t accept your warning like in the cops like it’s such a fucking thing we say when we’re letting you don’t think I’m not going to be grateful to being let go I did that once over ever again cop
I have the flu I was fucking just I was just a rotten sick and I was going on the market to get some juice like it like that like some healthy bits and fucking cop pulled me over cuz he thought I was on my phone I wasn’t on my phone and he pulled me over it and I was just so fucking pissed off and then you can go but I went fuck you dude dude hell yeah he was a rookie guy and the other cop fucking died laughing
and that
that second brought to you by white male privilege if I were black I would be dead
from the makers of voter suppression he was a dick and if I were if I were a brown or a woman I would I would be behind bars absolutely thank God
yeah but you probably be allowed to say Merry Christmas
man okay I’m just saying listen to some of these YouTube link of your fucking like I’m not getting political office I’m just listening I never believed in the war on Christmas until the day yes Steve knows cuz I talk to him about it but this is very serious you guys I saw the Reese’s the Reese’s Christmas trees you know the new ones and they don’t have a stump they have a point the same as the top point of the tree in the same as the side points of the tree they have a bottom point and not a stump and you can go through in the Google and see the past Google girl the Christmas trees and they have stumps because their Christmas trees cuz it’s Christmas God damn it and it’s a war on Christmas that’s the only reason they would put a trail point on the bottom to make it like

I’d starve David I don’t know
if you if you were breaking the Christmas movie like if you were if you were like breaking the story for the Christmas sequel for instance like like Whitney of bending over backwards to try to figure out how to have there be a war on Christmas like isn’t Christmas if it has anything to do with Christ you know the guy who planted all the Christmas trees
in in 4000 BC the the like if it was truly about Christ and there was a war on it doesn’t that work better isn’t that more appropriate the man is famous for being fucking murders like you wear a thing around your neck of the guy dying and he’s like getting his ass kicked by the government That’s What Makes You christian be fucking proud of yourself I wore on Christmas you sound like a pussy
meaning you sound like you can do anything a penis can do yeah but I’m safe bases covers
but I know like whatever we going to we know everyone’s dumb
for real honest like gauge yourself like how much in your brain have you ever like kind of like altered your like if you were about to say merry Christmas if you bothered to like stop yourself how conscious are you of that inter play Like I Do by the buffet happy holidays with my friends are Jews or Arabs whatever like a non like Dylan Neal whatever Satan has nobody is ever matter by the word Merry Christmas. It doesn’t mean I mean why would I be married
the guys of this porch it’s going to die before he’s forty he just got born in a barn
please. There’s an accident there and you get the kitty cats fucking shit that others would ever want three dudes from the fucking the Orient that come over there and bringing him the worth what what baby what can I do
the Little Drummer Boy is here baby baby baby shower I go to I make sure to bring do you know at the end of a Little Drummer Boy song He’s like just fucking get away leave me alone I my brain is gelatin I can’t I can’t lift cake to my mouth yet so they call it the pressure they call it an end it’s not a fucking in there’s no room at the end of this is not even then it’s a fucking Shack in the barn outside the hot do you know there’s no room at the showroom at the end that’s why they’re in the barn on the grassy knoll when will it snow in first never end well I didn’t know we were going here and there was no and no they added that wouldn’t be the most famous in the world
here’s another thing did you know that fucking Lumber does not burn at the temperature of a the end is Building 7 I don’t know it was an inside job there was there was there was no
Rangers have you seen have you gone to manger gate
who’s the guy that’s the most excited about about the true story of Christ Mel Gibson the movie he made what’s that movie like 90% fucking getting your ass kicked it’s a it’s a it’s like underdogs it’s like you should why so why are you so mad what do boys do boys Macy’s is it not allowed to like fucking roll out a red carpet for the naked man that I worship for demonstrating to me that you should never be fucking afraid you should light hang out and love people and if they kill you they fucking kill you cuz that’s the currency I just don’t get these people Merry Christmas to me Dan Harmon sarcastically
she’s going to take a shower she’s not mad it’s cool
it’s not possible that this is offensive to anyone there that was Christmas decorations everywhere and this is during Christmas and they fucking worship every festival and it was like so magical I got a pencil in India right because you said they have so many festivals like that they’re like it’s the Festival of giving and lights and we let go back in our hometown Church said that she goes back in America there’s a war on Christmas apparently India won the Festival of gifts and the Festival of Lights in the Festival of everybody being like on on the same team people all dress up as Santa Claus and all give each other gifts everybody Santa
buddy is an Indian almost sounded like what as far as their civic observation of of other religions and things that they’re kind of like following the well it’s happy hour somewhere kind of like formula which is that I don’t mean to mischaracterize I do want to get your letters like I have a mailbox but like you know India is really unfair place to blah blah I’m just saying like in terms of their municipality like they’re kind of like I don’t know how you phrase it like a baby or observe a hundred religions are very heterodox sick and heterodoxy stealing it what does it mean to say it like you mean it means like
Doxie like a Stacy Chef who wrote a biography of Cleopatra said that Alexandria bustled with heterodoxy of xenophobia the baby Christian never heard of him like fucking bring them in tonight like what it what did he say did he say did he say did he say you can’t be. I can’t find it in the rulebook alright then he’s allowed in repeating myself our driver I asked you is like so you celebrate every Festival is because I go
but it wasn’t because of I don’t think it’s because of anti-Semitism I think she looks like it’s their stuff is really for them like it’s like you don’t get to like kind of just going to wait for them
boys club stuff what if we were proud of our bloodline
you got me so I can’t believe how proud I was getting the school if I’m making a word up I don’t care it like variance with the accepted or official traditional religion
I’m wondering about the paradoxical what’s docs. What is that mean it means like a belief system like Orthodoxy Doc’s what else is in Doc’s was doing over and over again cuz I go can I get 1% of that in my brain crazy beneficial or Orthodox position is similar to Unorthodox adjectives could be applied to a dissident right well when I read that word I mean maybe I’m getting it all wrong but when I read that word I took it to mean that idea that other things are happening at once
fascist slides lake lake lake lake lake lake exactly what I understand it’s like whether it’s at, whether his economic instability or not it’s basically like when there’s like technologically assisted kind of cultural upheaval where it starts to feel like there’s gridlock happening in his van horn honking the the older folk they they do what we’ve seen them do which is to start to go like will it wasn’t like this when I was a kid and and and then anybody who starts walking him that crowded sidewalk where the sandwich board that goes like who loves Hitler like they start in Craven though they were yesterday cuz they were able to get to work on time and and weren’t being embarrassed more than five times a year about there like you put your foot in mouth moments if I didn’t know everything that hit 6 times a year or more it’s it’s multiculturalism it’s like the potting soil for you knows
and believe something other than the Orthodox ideal those of that culture and that be all right off for any country when did we ever get the impression that like like slippery slope to letting these foreigners like it like me you fucking piece of shit
you fucking like grandsons if I can yokels from some fucking European country and driving through America and the moment you got a bit outside of kind of a major cultural Hub is like colleges and you know major cities Confederate flags waving and went like you weren’t even a boo do you want a slave state Ohio or fucking Minnesota in the fucking fight in the fucking think that flag is just simply as signals and keep moving if you’re not a white ass hole and I can’t like I love traveling the country I love performing around the country and I don’t mean to talk shit about any particular cities in general but it’s like you waving your flag of obvious bigotry
is crazy and if you’re in Ohio then you’re saying your got your frustration is you’re going to God damn it that’s next door to me and I can’t there’s no flag I can put out I can’t put out a United Nations Flag at my place I have a shoot down to clown like we can always has been what was the flag in the mood to joke about it it gets me it gets me uncharismatic to talk about it I just so like I’ve said it a thousand times and first of all I am the grandchild of fucking women that are covered in Crazy Eastern European warts and speak with accents like I can’t this country is so young like I am the whitest guy in this room and I am a stone’s throw from
immigration like and not people who came over here and cleared the fucking list of like will are you here to make us rich know I’m here to fucking hide I’m here to run I’m here because I’m I will die I jumped out the window of the skyscraper of my burning country and I’m landing here I don’t I need somewhere to stay we made that big business I don’t I’d like how can people be so fucking rude and mean and hypocritical and when the answer is well because they don’t understand you’re hurting their feelings because it’s it sucks to to be made fun of for being stupid I want to fucking boohoo like like what do you mean why I don’t fucking mad about it cuz I don’t like when did we how did we how did we get so fucking dumb like why are we
the evolution of Empires is that it would we always just requesting you fall and Edward doing a very protective predictable fall from the crash Twee Twee Twee Twee fucking wheat we all we did was like accidentally stumble into the internet age like we because of the culture that we created Over Here For Better or For Worse of like like we were like payment capitalism poker chips like like keep really do you have your religion have your cookbooks have your fucking politics like like like we’re never going to knock on your door and check up on you do what you do pay your taxes like it’s a big experiment over here and if there was like it’s not a controversial statement to say we invented the Internet is it is there is is is is is someone from from Scotland to get your friend from Scotland.
who invented the call and came all the way from Glasgow Scotland to come see us Las Vegas steam engine on a bike ride together and they had but
fucking on that you invented the head but he helped
is it a Scottish is it is it is it a Scottish I listen to that podcast The Illusionist and it’s like about like yeah language like how the Scots are like so bullied like linguistically like Siri
thank God
we have a guest I can sit for a while
yeah it’ll be later there will be any production value just your accent we don’t get to hear Scottish people enough yeah but you said originally you’re from this place the clay Bank on from clay Bank yeah they were targeted intensely by Nazi bomb his we were making well with Singer sewing machines that money here made of the shipyards and we made we made ships that helped fight the Nazis
you were a war Target because of the shipbuilding and this in the sewing machines for fabric and maybe now it is she wouldn’t seems but that they came after us because of the ship wouldn’t like they they are they fucked up from Edinboro ahead but they call it a Glasgow kiss do you call it a Glasgow kiss or do you call it something else now I’m scared treatment of the like a fake leg being Scottish in a British Empire and like how that has function throughout history in particularly like the language like
Americans like or I’ll just be for myself really not that familiar with it at all I’m just familiar with it enough to know that that there’s they could basically a Scottish language that I would not understand it all because it’s big it’s like not and then it’s like there’s a Scottish dialect that makes English its own thing and then as school kids like you even if you’re going through this with my question like that I’m not sure I got this right even if you’re going to school in Scotland are you kind of shamed for the for the jargon of the butt that I think the closest possible metaphor we would have in America is like the ebonic thing like like like what we had to stay or restart we had a word for it and people were like how dare you and then it was like maybe a really expensive analog for either side but it’s not calling you so that you are scots-irish to write
actually speak Scots or scots-irish I’ve never spoke like proper play Scottish Gaelic so it’s like there’s does she like I don’t really know what’s crazy I know when I’ve had a few drinks in me and I’ve been there for a song game I can murmur my way through the Scots at that probably do bears like one of the main things I can remember from my grand and you both use from 10 to go and
nicest best guy in the world ever and he went to shop with my brothers and the shopkeeper was farm and Nevis speak a different language to someone else or she was doing well but my Granda I need friend. Really expensive so you refuse to speak English Scottish to this person until they know he’s telling this guy so he did was just speak Scottish Gaelic really had lasted from what my brother said intensely speak into my brother and Scottish Gaelic and do this person with mango will sorry but I’m sure is that a damn eyebrows ridging comedian that I think it was Frankie Boyle said that like the Irish invented sectarianism in Scotland perfect.
who’s it was krakatoa’s my ex-wife has my ex-wife is Irish now she lives in Ireland and I referred to a referred to the whole fucking banana ball as the UK and just like first of all Ireland is not that you care and that’s the source of like a bunch of my car right so it’s not that big and that didn’t know it didn’t go through it didn’t but it’s incredible that and if you guys if you guys have made that you would have had an end one day I think Scotland will be independent and you will have the best national anthem of
time goes far as Scotland is fucking gorgeous Goins fucking amazing think of it like flowers and the dragon my wife
I just started thinking of Sean Connery right at the end there
like a 60 Minutes interview air is everything awesome like sometimes you need to know what’s what
they’re like what are you thinking is that this is obviously some at the must be before 9 and 89th at the interview happy but he was like his explanation was if you have a fight and and and you’ve already won the man’s one and then she keep going cuz I was like wow must be nice to live in a world war fights are holy crap and another in the in the context of the like 60 minutes please whatever they like but here’s the thing happily married for 27 years like they’re like hey think about it like all the women of the Raiders over there like an absolute be a rugby match or whatever like groceries English English
Bella single Flower of Scotland part of The Tartan Army so yeah it does every fucking gave you a Scotland and then you get your heart broken because some Belgian guy just scored a fucking screamer from Nob Hill know about as well let me know what your favorite color right now there was a Scottish woman holding up a poster that says her name but I know exactly what they said your mother was an immigrant you absolutely are Oster roaster
roaster means but it’s fucking it sounds like Roasters just continuing supply of mail or are you fucking kidding me we see you mean liar likes I guess that’s awesome. I’m glad I’m stuck in throat
if it makes you feel better I was about to show you why is there an independent claims you show wanker so you’re a boy that they taught me to Milwaukee ComedySportz when we had our accident Workshop so if I would love to have fun. I would love to start with a couple others that aren’t that for Irish day. Because they got a Niger like going to give you a crash course 45 minutes we’re going to teach you 20 accent so we’re going to teach you one line for me to accept that if you say it maybe you can maybe do the act and hooks you and try it like it is just that these are
/ / Irish the girl I keep it in the back of your teeth and just change you love me but you don’t
that’s what it was the only thing we did was a great three days
call Ethan
that’s him in Highlander I think calling the song really
have surgery is a general I have no idea I’m going to be here to Hotel me I said we did very well.
What were you just talking, that’s adorable but probably saying that will get me murdered we Bank he’s also kind of seems like it’s our fault for the fucking crisis but also does go five go to Glasgow where I come to work so that’s where I’m kind of a big is it compared can you think of an American city do you know populations of American cities can you say like it’s big as Houston of course you can
populations of a small butt
the loss of the dialect is a thing at Quail of it comes from what you owe so to Satan is about the Porsche was
hour to the West
and if I spoke of light will speak like this to use and that’s how I speak to them by if I spoke normally it would actually have no fucking idea what the fuck I was saying nobody nobody but you you you mean you’re saying like you’re making an effort to be so like like okay I’m not going to like it here I am then where if your family called you up or you got in a fight with somebody or at like what’s family in your least favorite relative I’ll be an American like ringing your doorbell and asking for directions
restore Magicka he’s doing it
I’m from Iowa and I write I love your Loch Ness monster country and I’d like to I would just want to know where’s the Wi-Fi can you help me you fucking you’re I consider you lower I’m totally rude so just fucking let go on me like she wants fries with that
why don’t you go back to fucking England you fucking 33 bus. That sounds about right, the brown sauce do I put on the fucking bacon buddy or the the chip by the fans were suddenly stop talking to me before but she’s also so and Shane Glasgow and you speak can a normal as a red sauce and go somewhere fancy SOS I can have some ketchup
that’s when you know you’re kind of bacon by Adele Rolling bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon I see how do you say that we had a fucking deep fried Mars bar which was fucking good but it’s oh sorry who is a Scottish pack are you up there
why is Gladys Knight have to be up there is a genuine question
yeah daughter succession leave the UK
now I’m going to be at no man but I ain’t MC
my name is Ramsey Mick Mick Mick Mick Mick Mick Mick Mick Mick Mick Mick Mick you going to take out my trash don’t make me do it for free I’m going to pay no taxes if there’s nothing from me I’m going to head out your ass. Without me you wouldn’t have cake
you wouldn’t more strings there and he are doing girls like
okay alright we should end that we did in that wrap their that was a guy that tape thing is is going to be the peak
this isn’t a concern what’s the city in Scotland is it Edinboro that’s like like like so use Isaac like glass goes not like you have it you have a fancy glass what did you say what are all but you all of you collectively we have a saying like do you have a name W upper class counts word means a different thing in your head but I guess not. Doesn’t have those
play the BB Gun handgun if I’m like I’m going to have some picture of this fucking in Scotland has the most Progressive place of our own because it’s in a place where women are is the most Progressive place to go because women who see gender cuz every single week women of telling guys are going to come
actually picture of the guys fucking amazing buys DVD is that the is that the capital of Scotland and is that the the New York of Scotland in in terms of the bigger than nothing to do with finances of his bad thing also Scotland revolve so much are drones like well which is smaller and less important because you are more industrial right like right where the more they also like we’ve got two best soccer teams as well which one Ranger Zord
I know I’m a hardcore hearts at Midlothian and Omar Camacho drinking with Scott. So if the teams have to come the fans have to come from different sides of the town and arrive at different times and you can’t wear the jerseys around town this just going to be violence that has been doing so well currently that the last time we won High ropes which one I was at we want Zoe to I’m going to head to work
we’re never the longer the flip players are banned from going to see her when fans know or doing a lap of honour be there because when is Celtic won the street or so players are coming over just to do the normal thing which escapes came from Germany where if you wouldn’t you go see your you go see your fancy way of and you cannot like I came over to say date cheers and Rangers fans in the bottom left corner from what I remember when. Happy but at the very very front of their fans is that people in wheelchairs with disabilities and the Rangers fans the SATA to claim on top of them and try and get on the page to attack Celtic which led to a lot of people in wheelchairs getting trampled on and sit on that I’m in October
are you guys still have a spider on your money they have a spider on their dollar George Washington Haven like bought a spider
his eyes like that I’ve got Tanner is just the Nova who invented paper
what are we going to need for Scotland Scotland’s national animal is a fucking unicorn that’s not allowed. That’s not that’s not allowed that’s not allowed to the nation know I got my head but coming from your bagpipe now he’s going to head but you are never going to find a leprechaun
voice freight trains run my Irish ex-wife was talking about Ireland with me and I asked you but she was like I had said it one point of this bike doesn’t make you do what we need to do is just have a president like at this point we all agree that the president is the new king and we should have let the president be a ceremonial title because it has so much more to do with pride and fucking symbolism and let the smarty pants is that are only going to ruin that part actually understand that there’s the equivalent of like a Chancellor or prime minister who went to law school and graduated any school and and and is like you elect them based on like
a job that they’re going to do when they don’t wear a jacket she told me Ireland has that exact thing they have an Irish president and it who is really more like I’m the Irish president and I’m just like kind of like to be Irish and they haven’t and they have a prime minister who’s actually kind of like
because of the way I really truly Noah Cyrus politics that way out because it’s a fucking mess because they don’t count on your good side but I think
but I think the I think the way it works because of northern islands Republic guy runs if you’re voting for Canada public you have to vote for Sinn Fein so I think there 12 Sinn Fein ministers in the lake in London and they will not vote in anything that isn’t specifically about Ireland so people like Scotland try and get them to can I vote for as of yet but they refused first Minister who’s amazing Nicholas England pretends of copper and she gets to K&W.
we’ve got the NHS in general but if you’re not going to be for prescriptions but if you can scold you do if you can if you get bit by a spider you’re out if they believe that it was hard to fit you only thing is just like they believe the spiders are like that’s like in England that God wants you to die Education costs money skull and it doesn’t, can you can you cut on a Robert Burns for us to be Scottish dialects
moisten hard liquor
Emmaus Seguin girlfriend missing their hair
between the nice nice hey nothing
May one day anime
let’s give it up for Carl and everybody from Glasgow to be coming next week
give it up for our harmontown staff,, Jeff Davis treasure your game master
and your marriage and Harmony thank you I’ll drive fast
take chances


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