Episode
Episode: 315 – Rocket My Face Into Another Guy’s Face
Description
Steven Conrad, writer/director of the TV Series ‘Patriot’ joins guest Comptroller Brandon Johnson. The Santa Clause 2, Have You Seen It? Featuring Dan Harmon, Brandon Johnson, Spencer Crittenden and Steve Conrad.
Transcript
girl making noise
it’s so good to see you lovey Dynasty typewriter theater in downtown Los Angeles how do you feel tonight
you look so much better than that please welcome to the stage of Spencer
hip hop Dead Prez back for you
he got a backpack full of emotion for you oh damn I only laugh laughter is not an emotion
yeah
the mayor of harmontown tickets downstairs
thank you very much
we have so much to do so much to do I was listening to the Pete Holmes episode from last week and there was so many things I would like to drink too much and you interrupt too much you should let like like fun people that have lots to say talk of the guys at the heat listening to myself interrupt people but but P Pete Pete home since so many points I said they hate is a lack of imagination stuck with me for for a week there are a couple other ones now I’m too drunk to remember but I took my pee came out with let’s all hope you have something to plug again so he comes by excited about which could be bad or good I don’t know but I got to do something like this is the last episode before 2019
yeah I know where is next Monday I’ll be fuck you I’m in Tahiti I’m a question I’ll try to see if at which signal can go through the word fish sure whatever they have for internet but watching the Tim Allen Santa Clause Trilogy and
and it just so much to talk about with that but I think I’m going to wait until my new friend whose work I have been binging who’s going to come out he’s is writer-director we could so that that unlike this one other thing is something I talk about with him so so that means I’m leaving with the following so it’ll but I’m going to try to make it give you the Reader’s Digest version okay I guess I kind of chips something by referring to Dave in the front row at the Dayton to wipe your brain of that because it’s going to ruin the dramatic tension
so it didn’t like it for the second time in in in a month because at the front gate of my lavish three-bedroom property in Los Feliz is it I don’t know if it looks like an apartment buildings gate or or or if like the proud boys are having meetings in Los Feliz now and like they’re just getting enough Dutch courage like Wonder to my place but then they’ve they’re so drunk they forgot whether they’re but there’s been there’s this new tradition mounting where my doorbell rang and then I’ll turn on the security camera and I’ll see you the creepiest thing you could ever see which is a dude who has no idea where he is just trying to punch biking codes keypad this this this is this is this is the second one and I like it was 1:30 in the morning doorbell you wake up from a dead sleep doorbell ringing
unless you’re 24 years old there’s no way 1:30 a.m. doorbell it is going to lead to I I’m trying to think back in like maybe that’s Andy Dick when I was when I was in the mood in weird ways like let’s rock and roll a laptop and show me Dick in a Box before they upload it to the thing you know like what is a magical time if you’re young I am 45 years old I live in a fucking house at the top of a hill I have a gun that I barely know how to load I have a girlfriend that I don’t want to watch die and just the doorbell rings and it’s interrupting my dreams about Minecraft and I’m like who could that possibly be turn on the cameras with exploding comes up everything looks creepy at night vision and there’s just no way to look
comforting when you are standing on someone’s porch and night vision camera mode can we show the people and if you’re heard there’s a clip
the craziest thing about that is that it says front door so no punching and codes some of that some of the time he was we’re trying to figure out if he was a punching codes be masturbating because like this and are just standing there going I think he’s trying codes and I’m like why would he try codes where does he think he is what Rave does he think is starting without him that we rang the doorbell the dogs are barking nothing’s happening and he’s just like like what are you on that makes you think like well I come on there’s nine numbers how long could it take
and we had that he was he was jamming on it for so long that I was at Cody and I had the conversation I’m I loaded my glock
a Glock 19 I don’t know if it’s a 19 and I think I don’t know what it is
I’m coming a revolver a revolver
Brandon come back
how many bullets to make the seal tighter
did you call me
why do you think my phone has this much muscle in it I bought a device that is designed to compensate for weakness
why would you make it so hard to load like I only want why is the bowling alley so I can bench press on it like if I could bench-press I would go down there and karate chop this guy the butt but we really thought you would said before you go like when you touch a gun like I do studies they hook it up to the things they monitor their endocrines when you touch a gun your testosterone spikes real real hard and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a strange weird background program in my head that was I don’t want to say I hope I I hope something happens it’s not in the background in the far backgrounds like not in a way that’s real but there was a noticeable I was like well it is the big headline was that I’m still not over
I’ll still stick to this I’m sorry if this hits the political button and I understand that we live in very very painful times of the day I do too I don’t want to hurt you by saying this trigger arguments with your loved one if your listing I am going to subjectively use my eye statement to tell you how I felt and how I still feel like it made me feel very happy that I bought a gun because it was 40 minutes that it’s at the at the it was like rang the doorbell and we’re looking at him again it’s another one he’s drunk as drunk but he was like doing shit it was like you tapping there was a tapping on the front door and it was like is that as she is he is as cheese just tapping his house key is like when it’s a fucking Wolverine blade what is Carmen of perfect perfect I look at this
that’s what testosterone does when we were like okay the cops aren’t Cody called the non-emergency when I call 911 like wait we called that we call the police like you call special pick-up like there’s a poor person I’m outraged when they don’t show up right away but he called the non 911 police number for lake lake it was like where we felt like if anything is bad for the person but also he’s terrifying us like is he going to like like when you’re drunk and like that brat blackout drunk like we’ve all heard stories from friends even some of us may have destroyed our life was like yeah and then I went back and I had this dream where I was taking a shit and then it was
speak in a Pizza Hut and it shattered the window and said that you black out of the what if he what is he goes from what if he goes from harmless mode to like a black bear and a camping site like I like there’s marshmallows in your glove box Mode still he doesn’t know what he’s doing but if you keep acting like that because he thinks the house is like he feels like he should be inside and not outside right like okay so what do we do and I don’t know if this is something you’re allowed to Pat yourself on the back for but we will call the dogs into the bedroom close the bedroom door he can do whatever he wants the house will continue to wait for the police and if he comes to the bedroom and then I’ll shoot him
what the fuck are you waiting for him if he makes a sandwich if these guys sister I make a sandwich
if he starts a binge watch too much cable is he
it is a privilege it comes to security cameras and all the shit like everything’s very much in control and I want to know that to that because we’re talking about this other thing was like I don’t know where the cop the cops eventually came and that that second where it looked like watching them on the camera that I also have installer I can see the cops showing up and when they didn’t do exactly what I was I was like
but lately it was certainly a Glee God damn you could have imagined like this is this is an example of of chaos happening and everything’s under control if you could get and still like the the the closeness that I felt with violence victim the the it wasn’t like the last thing on my mind is whether or not to shoot someone what the fucking gun like I bought a power do you ever do I need to put it down put holes in them killing forever ruin your life
like you’re introducing the gun Bill like that you’re not just doing me right right the first act like Jennifer something literally I mean it’s weird but like literally in your life you’re not doing it it’s like and then it’ll never come into play like buying a gun is kind of like making a making a choice as like I might I might choose to shoot someone in a way that’s not on the table before you buy a gun do you know so like at that point I think you’re thinking I am just not like a lycan and diamond or anyting but I think that once you own a gun or have access to a gun I think you know you might think differently because the Gunners option available to you and so it’s just like that’s just something I don’t know that that seems like something that we should at least talk about I know you are but thank you so much
you’re right I cuz I’m saying I’m being honest using my I statements I’m trying to also be accountable by saying this is not my political opinion this is not even my personal philosophy opinion as a cowardly person I bought that gun cuz I got scared about the world falling apart I bought that gun as like a a donation to a religion that that. Professes that we’re all going to kill each other and I and I paid I put I put money in the collectors dish for that church that that that that uses that money to build itself and preach more I fell for it I I put money into it I got my my thing and when I’m when I’m when I’m confessing is that it works any random thing that happens you’re happy you bought the Black & Decker people shooter like the way you’re happy you got the dustbuster cuz though I dropped the glass
shit everywhere but yeah but I bought this thing and thank God it is it is that that and that is the problem yeah that that shouldn’t be how we’re thinking about human life or at least they should then have extra steps involved to kind of make it harder because that that’s a problem that needs to be talked about address thought about researched I don’t know man but lately we call them and as a consequence they show up for police these like wonderful like people they come up with the flashlight they like the people caught they they they they they could steal my calling in the flashlight in there not seeing the guy I like what the fuck did you do
that’s how I was of this white person
but I was like I will take my chances I don’t want to say I’m well aware of how privileged because I’m not aware of the ceiling of it but I’m like the whole time I’m thinking like Jesus Christ this is like watch them, pray for the police to show up to be so relieved when they do and they have them come up and they and they and what glue will talk about like what if the guy was black on my porch what if I’m white and the cops are white or whatever they are just really mad at the cops are cops are their own race sort of and how they view things like that it’s that’s not meant as a dislike I’m saying like cops have that they protected filter that like what if the guy on my porch was black that was ringing my doorbell how would that affect when I called the police and what I was hoping would happen like what is this
cuz of the white privilege of the homeless guy on my porch be a weirdo grab them and get them out of here not fearing about any kind of like to fucking like saying like we were in a world where we read Facebook’s social worker calls the police is helping an autistic person and he gets shot of the good pointing out the whatever the point of true for all people really are I just have to make the joke
if you if you’re a black person your car in for a misdemeanor then everybody’s cool million cops outside my place every was joking about my Segway
and I was just started like I love cops lately it was just sort of like high school they really like but if you were drunk getting bounced out of a bar and because it was like you had an argument with like maybe the bartender said some shit that you right or wrong thought was like to right-wing for you to drink at his bar like you knew I was in the cops like or with a cop can make the difference between you you can spend a life in prison I know that sounds hyperbolic but like the back an Escalade cuz I saw a documentary about it but how about I like I like even if you act like there’s a big like they purposely did two stories when I was a black guy when he has a white guy in the white guy that came home from his mom stabbed to death and like because he was like freaking out and the cops were kind of like acting weird about his mom being stabbed to death she ended up a prime suspect and hauled into jail and like the story just Cascade from there where it’s like he ends up in prison for like his whole fucking life
because anyways whatever time I get off of this is an important part of the story is a good story I sent this video thank you Dave, now if you know what the pine looks like my personal trainer he’s got long blond hair so the video I just showed was of a guy that’s got long blond hair and get some leaves and it needs any of the Jack and he’s like swaying back and forth on my part I sent Dave find the next day I sent him a text set the 11 second video of the guy and I said hey don’t come over here at 1:30 a.m. again I almost shot you through the door
what’s a good joke everybody loves being told this guy looks like you
I like the story so like I think you probably would have realized he’s a hero Beyond his place but I like really think about the fact that I said Dave can please tell this story and he’s like yeah you can have responded with Dan I apologize this video is so boring and a major wake-up call for me
I’m going to get some professional help for my drinking thank you for bringing this to my attention and also for not shooting me
and I looked at that and I was like that’s kind of a total departure
from the youth guy like he’s usually not that dry
definitely has a high IQ so he’s capable of doing dry comedy he just doesn’t usually choose to
any but I just but I didn’t bother to I didn’t want to insult them by going
you know it’s a bit right or I don’t know I just didn’t that’s hilarious come back man hey if you’re going to be that funny we welcome to the big leagues where you play to the silence
think I’m an admirer you when you’re dead bitch that’s that’s the comedy rule man I can pour a 40 on your casket be like I never fucking laughed at you bro you were so funny
too busy packing my own bits to listen to your bag after that ring the doorbell to do our workout and his face and I was about to say I think I started to do a call back to the gym I was like hey man cuz I couldn’t wait to talk to him about it my funny bit and I’m so sorry
and I said I said did you wake up in jail
it wasn’t you that knew my God
my God I enrolled in rehab
it’s fine you’re fine that night he drank 12 Beers in 5
he woke up in his own bed, I know what happened he was like Hey I don’t know that that’s not me he had a good faith Rock Bottom by I gave him the gift I guess I still can’t figure it out if I did it
how to process the thanks to you he ascended from rock-bottom which you also inflicted
call Kaiser Permanente and I’m coming in
if you if it’s if you have a map of the universe in your head where it’s possible you did show up right when you look at a video is a said I called my dad anyways. So please respect fucking deep client self-aware? But I do self aware that you that you allow for the uncertainty which I didn’t mean to exploit obviously I’ve never experienced that tomorrow no I wasn’t
all your troubles
was it him know you could see the video of his the beard bearded man look at that sup pissy beard that the date has a much nicer beard worries man just because of your reaction I was like I’d my cynicism I was like wait a minute what is I started doing what just because it was like
you should be safe well I don’t you should be going on I don’t have that jacket but Dave said I do have that jacket it’s hanging in my closet it’s camouflage but it could be whether it’s a sad sort of like he just he just doing all the necessary trying to be a good person like that convinced themselves they didn’t murder someone that they murdered his way of True Crime podcast and 10-year jury trials are there people are just like her but they are in that in that world Dave Klein the Jesus Christ of alcoholism is like yeah yeah you did a bit where I like I’d say a fucking bitch fuck it going to rehab because because of the weird possibility I want that you know what first. Best Buy
you should you should offer a service where you write people’s Rock bottoms
when they black out and you can come back there and be like yeah man you are you fucked a watermelon and you sit at a bar mitzvah I will say that that dude if you have a full head of hair is like a sort of going bald Rock in three dreads so that might have been The Tell-Tale finest after we worked out I did go up stairs like I woke up Cody and said Cody just double confirm it wasn’t there but I just like no right what happened what was the end result they they they said by the time they came up there had disappeared from the camera I think he was probably just seated stupid like in the doorway so they couldn’t see him right away they came up there so you watch the cops like come up I just can’t open your own door and then calling people whose job it is to live
ran it’s not even their house so they had I mean I know that sounds so stupid to say but it’s just like better where you’re like oh I hope these guys that I like inherently mistrust because they’re about not having fun when I’m skateboarding and in my Pringles commercial of my life and it is just so easy to like random moments are just like I hope I see a fucking guy I got the fucking big belt full of shit and they’re trained to just like they didn’t reach out and say why aren’t you freaking out Charles Manson is on my porch you should be so freaked out but it ain’t like what why is that freaked us out like what would we then came up and they be that one guy I hung back and you know did this thing and then the other guy was like came up in like stood him up and like they did cuffed him right away I think it was more about like going to get this guy off the
property I don’t know the rules are they they took him down into the street where you could see that that think they did like I’m a failure as a formality like a kind of going through with the drunk tank but they they just kind of them out and then knocked on the door as they were still like we went down and like pajamas and they are and they’re like do you know this guy and he recognized no it’s not spelled the Jewish weighs like a viking okay Dave Kline k l i n e but it was it was it was like thank you guys thank you and I will never find out what was that guy where was he what was he on how did he I want to know those stories not out of like justice I want to know
I want to know where you are the second guy the first guy was like this weird like do you like she kept checking his phone and try and the codes like it looked like he had been invited to some party that someone had told him a code he was a little more conscious and and then he’s eventually stumbled down the stairs and got into a white Minivan and drove away
I wonder if you can find out what happens to him by checking the arrest record cuz you didn’t press charges right so what would I look at the date of the incident and see all public information incident report they’ll tell you what the situation will become Foster this guy okay so I was fantastic if you if you see if you see if you see Dave Klein give him a lot of love and buy him a drink cuz that’s what that’s a rare personality that can take that and then like and then not say please don’t talk about that in the show like I thought the man is very giving and wonderful cup
but let’s let’s let’s make a new best friend I just finished binge-watching the second season of the show I’ve talked about it before I did the first season was so amazing and like it’s it’s an Amazon show so like I said you got you got a signal boost or if people don’t see it so it will will will talk about his career and talk about the show I hope it’s not an alien eating conversation if you haven’t seen the show I would recommend you watch it I think it’s really really interesting and I’m so grateful for him being willing to come here and talk about it the creator writer-director of patriot please welcome Stephen Conrad
can you wait a little little too long there I’m sure it’s a little late. The second time I heard the story a little brief version of it. I just finished watching the second season yeah thank you for paying attention and I bring the Gratitude of our entire cast and our team of filmmakers who appreciate any attention of we have to go a long way from home to work on the show and where is it exactly in Paris which was not that wasn’t tough being away from your loved ones for that long and coming home and then the show comes out and people don’t even notice that it’s come out that part can be a little hard for the dark Belly of the golden age of television
all I mean to say is thank you oh no problem I really am so interested to talk to you about it cuz they the first season it was a rare event for me because if I start watching something with my girlfriend and she falls asleep or like I don’t like I really remember specifically like I I shoot another half an hour also I could stay up and keep watching the rest of your season cuz I was just really drawn in by the kind of like serialized story of of this like weird world it’s a it’s a spy drama that centers around it’s the in the in the near passed around the idea of preventing Iran from going nuclear my first question is how ironic was that as a concept because recently liked it was especially if you tell because.
the progression toward becoming a nuclear power was headed off through diplomacy and then it’s all newly up in the air but in 2016 it was a settled matter takes place in 2012 where it isn’t there are great costs to trying to turn the tide of the selection through extralegal means
but we are in the past and living in the future is the notion that this problem was with rack fixed it so the people the viewers are being told well this is happening before are we I don’t want to use the word supposed to cuz you’re an artist so you’ll probably say you should feel however you want but I kind of like I’m going to ask any way you want me to feel like all of this is for nothing or did you want me to understand that the stakes are high for people like this the protagonist in his father I didn’t want just feel anything but that’s the way it turned out
but that that’s precisely the feeling that we were hoping to see from the onset of Ubly high for them I hope Steve’s okay but the steaks for us reduced to the steaks for Like A Dog Day Afternoon which is just to survive at the event of the mistake I was in a meeting and we were talking, just different shit just random shit and somebody who I later forgot who it was it was a person that said he has seen the show Patriot and the airport like the Michael doerman like like looking through an interactive billboard or Patriots shirt who knows what did you returned off
someone else and got a TV show I hope I’m better than them I like I like I like I owe the guy looked Charming I had no idea he was Australian we talk about that later that guy so good but but then she is advertising other than show out there it’s called patriot who knows what the fuck that means and then someone in a meeting and I was with said if you guys see the show Patriot and what they said that made me bother to watch it was something it don’t even start on paper like it should make me want to watch it which is basically like it’s like it’s kind of like Ian Fleming novel if Wes Anderson directed which that would be incredibly offensive to you I mean it involves other creatives and it’s like it made me go
that’s why I watch the pilot and then it was just sucked in and it was sucked in by the cynicism I was sucked in by the butt that the deer are there in the seems that you seemed tube of I don’t want to dissect you and diagnose you I want you to talk about what motivates you good luck if you listen to an episode of the show you know I’m a bad interview her but like you’re saying with Fathers and Sons you’re staying with nature versus nurture your thing with sociopathy these are the things that Drew me in the first episode of that show but you’re establishing is at this fucking strapping really lovably honky dude in a ratty sweater who is smoking weed in Amsterdam and you’re getting through backstory that he’s a CIA probably black bag wet operator someone who’s good at killing people and that his father works
CIAA and that he’s been kind of like hanging out in Amsterdam smoking weed and writing songs about how he kills people for the CIA
and there’s so many amazing choices that the show makes in those first moments where it’s like oh the CIA isn’t going we have to stop him from singing those songs they don’t care he’s like I did that he’s just singing songs and by the way and then you will talk about it later that you these are all your songs you’re a musician you write you write and record the songs of what he’s doing like his mission is like like like I got to got to kill a guy in a turban then I don’t know if he’s good or bad
he’s good at killing people which is a sociopath job but he’s he either is or isn’t a sociopath stuff then for sure spread out spread out over there but
this man is like a professional Dan Handler
right then a lot of things come chocolate but this is a brownie
all of that is the case with the with the story bed set up all of it exists only to allow our guy to start tackling this task in a way that I hope would be more familiar to an audience as it regards their own lives if there are so many mornings I wake up and I’m just not prepared for whatever it is that I have to do that day I got you like a parent-teacher conference I’m not prepared buying shoes I’m not prepared I always feel like I’m I lack some attachment to to Preparing and then finishing well anything that’s in front of me because my mind’s Always Somewhere Else
and I know what that’s true of most people and I thought it wouldn’t be any different for a person in this Walk of Life the job then was just to fill his head with some ideas and some energy they would make him someone worth spending time with in the sociopathic it’s because he was raised by a person who made him sort of super American and that he imposed on him values that we really have to be taught when your little because you you throw them off when you’re older when you reach the Age of Reason acute patriotism is a thing that you learned in the Boy Scouts you just ought to be into
but then when you get older and you look around and you think we’ll all that means is that I’m obligated to strangers who probably don’t have my best interest at heart or or a bus driver by the time you get to the Adolescent Center going to shrug off and realize that it’s bullshit you probably also already seen your dad I got a price for it to unless your dad works for the CIA has no reason for him depart from that company line totaled your dad talking about shooting your autobiographical is this or how am I how did charismatic father who was always the smartest person in the room and it didn’t matter if they were two people in the room or 200 people around me always dominated the flow of events name is always the bottom line is intimidating person to share dinner with but I had this in
SunTrust running directions you gave me I would feel like this must make sense because my dad asked me to do it and then he turns back to turn back to the human overtime as you became an adult you like you do you saw him may be up against shiting you and I like the he likes he didn’t like 27 Dresses and you’re like actually that’s really good kind of hate itself a little bit when are we going to talk about Tim Allen Santa Clause 2 why are you think I really have a lot of respect watching you think like 20 episodes of you so upward I appreciate it so much
thought I was not going to hear what I’m hearing because honestly one of the least accessible things about this character is his weird compulsion to please his father I really don’t like my father and what ifs in my head of like if my dad was the kind of dad that that asked things of me which he wasn’t I respect the fuck out of my dad and would love to gain his admiration but there but there’s the idea of because this character he’s just physically tortured and emotionally where comes from I remember reading an article an interview with Emilio Estevez
and they asked him what did his father
did you order the kids to be in that business and what Amelia said was no I think we both just admire our dad and if our dad was a roofer we would be in the roofing business that made sense to me that I didn’t have that kind I didn’t leave here to my father like that but I think you need a father and if your father lets you feel it you’ll be groping in life for some lessons you might learn more easily than the hard way it can be endlessly fascinated by I want to ask you a question that is part spoiler kind of if anyone in the audience is like has not seen the show and therefore is going to watch it I don’t think this is a tremendous spoiler it’s not like a plot spoiler it’s a little bit of a character spoiler but I can’t I need to ask you about it as father is the actor who plays lock from Lost
Quinn actor is is like you just kind of like someone that you’re you’re you just like watching them talk and the butt so that father in the second season there’s a distinct Point like right about smack in the atonement with the father section of the story circle of the second season about three-quarters through where where where where it’s all of a sudden and maybe I’m wrong about this for the first time it’s revealed that his father doesn’t do wet work doesn’t do physical not like you did on
I was devastated for me it was like oh no I thought I thought he would give me such advice CIA Father and Son in Lake Havasu the sun is like this fucking like like like a fucking kills people for a living what does shit that hurts him he loses blank Limbs and bigger than don’t you think that that is is it Father’s expect that their sons to do things that they can’t do themselves I do that too with my son when I say why can’t you get an A in science I could never get an answer in a in math and I find myself saying why I expect you because you would have if you have a different intellect to be able to do that and then I stopped myself and I raise my son in a way where I always quit when I started to say what if someone’s picking on you you have to fight them because I don’t think I would do that and maybe you would be that I just would chicken out but I know that I wouldn’t do it
but my father would tell me to do things that I knew he wouldn’t do and a small identification of a large thing that are guys in government asked our young people to do and they would never do it how many presidents have we had in a row now who haven’t been in the Army in and they’re so happy to send our young people out like they’re a little army men and their Blind part of being a patriot you you can’t allow for that concept of like wait a minute the was a lie I was in my forties before I learned cuz my ex-wife’s dad was a what a chaplain in the Navy I was the first time I actually learned that officers don’t come up through
the rank of the greatest star funny though if they had the chaplains in there at the beginning maybe Works a little while ago and like wait a minute go back we watch and it’s like oh yeah I know infantry like regular rank-and-file people they can actually has a ceiling it like sergeant if you’re going to be a general you go to a special school called you’re going to be a general named destroy everything and the answer is patriotism not as opposed to the pride we feel in a system in it that’s precisely what we’re writing about our protagonist in Patriot do you think he thinks that he’s a smart person do you think he thinks his dad is smarter than him we caught up with him at a time or he’s too overwhelmed by events to think
but his challenges he knows that thinking is a big big problems the only the only space she has to expect anything other than marching forward is to the music so he doesn’t contemplate the right or wrong he fights to get out of the fix that he’s in in the show it it only takes place over 17 days now and we’re 28 or 20 hours in you do so many things this is the highest compliment I want to give you and I hate when people pretend that they’re backhanded compliments or compliment I really do not need it this way I want to say like
I disagree with your are not disagree with I’ve told by some creature some choices that you make so often and and I’m still riveted like I do I will go like we need to see this guy I will ask myself every 10 minutes while I’m watching your show is this guy a sociopath I will ask myself if you’re Republican or Democrat I’ll ask myself if you’re if you think that beat me to me to buy doing Rick and Morty which is like a it’s a fucked-up Universal it is a very challenging sometimes it but also the results are it’s incredibly funny because I believe that the guy is real because he’s a he’s in a terrible job he’s like the equivalent of a sewage plant worker
the show focuses on people who break things that can’t be put back together versus the shows the concentrate on problems that can’t be solved swept under the rug or put in the past so in that sense there’s a little bit of a different bargain we have with the audience where you oh well if you take Dog Day Afternoon which is a model for us I think you know within 10 minutes if they will they will not accomplish that goal
accomplish that goal of a robbing bank account for someone you care about right but you continue to watch and the question that I asked the filmmakers why do you continue to to watch what what is it that compels you to stay interested in this thing and I think you make a connection to that kind of energy where you are just watching someone try to fix something that can’t be fixed with the women in the family because the the mom is a strange and like I keep because one of the things that I asked being for the Midwest like you are watching Michelle this kind of a it’s a truth like the so it’s like I keep asking myself when is the scene coming where where we where we understand
that the sun admires this father so much and then I think to myself that scene is called the son becoming his brother
his brother’s ass like a diplomat like he’s like kind of like it’s I don’t want to explain your characters but I feel like the part of the irony of the story is that the brother who is doesn’t work in Murder
is that he wishes he could he what he says it’s a it’s like he he’s like very comfortable lying and like kind of digs it but he wouldn’t be good at it is that oh absolutely that the happiest people in Patriot of the ones who work in government at the level that of Congressman or Cabinet member it’s almost like if you talked about it even for a second
it’s a seal that would break and your father for instance would go oh my son just expressed you can you can come to your father and say I’m in a mess I’m losing my mind I’m I’m I’m on a million drugs but you can’t say is I don’t want to kill this person I am feeling insecure and feeling vulnerable because the dad would immediately have chocolate stunt my friends were stunt workers and they go like oh yeah like I had to get kicked in the balls in the hardest failed so Will Smith was just checking my actual balls for 20 take but I couldn’t I know I have a legal right and I could have gone like my actual balls are being there I don’t know if I can have children anymore but it’s the Wild Wild West as good of your head and it
there’s a there’s this stunt man code that’s like I I’m here because I don’t slow anyting down the whole point of my job is someone says it’d be great if someone could jump out of window start on fire and roll around and you want to be that person that if you ever go like even if you nail it like roll and everyone’s a plotting if you stood up and said like go there for a while it was fuck you think that there’s a fear their of like a vulnerability but we have an episode in season 2 does that if you if you do watch the show you’ll recognize that we have these title cards that introduced one episode after the other they’re unique to the show there was a thank you have as they all have we don’t call them episode 16 we say Patriot 16 I hope that that creates this idea that there can be a
an unexpected necessary next place to go but in season two we have an episode that’s called fuck John Wayne
for all the reasons that you’re talking about and I thought why don’t we just say it will put write it on a shirt and we can make some noise about people before us who use their art form
to make themselves rewarded and make other people diminished their make-believe love some people’s make-believe and I don’t like other people’s make-believe and I don’t particularly like his it’s so it’s so we had that we I think we are very clear about that that we are on the side of the people who believe that that kind of Bravery comes with a terrible cost, T by the way but there are people in your truck I mean
please let me let me play me throw some questions of you because we’re talking about tonality so like League of the little fella that comes to the Paris and is like he’s a little cop from Milwaukee and an end are our hero is drunk and high and I’m so resonating with this moment where is like I have gotten so fucked up so drunk so high I’m having such a good time with my friends and always cops have followed me to Paris and and one of them is little he’s I don’t know if he’s clinically a little person is a little he’s a little person he’s he’s so little that they talked about how little he is and they talk about how strategically therefore he he knew we don’t have to fight him because his strides are shorter and all the stuff is like there’s a moment there’s the moment before our hero quarter gets into the cabin so drunk and so high
and he he’s like he’s doing the actual traditional like he’s holding these little guys have to do that and he might Germany said it’s impossible not to do that but did that thing
are you thinking like like life is so cruel I guess I could do was look like it cuz I tell you this story because this what you want is this really happen if you didn’t want to have to do that what did you want
I think this is true
what we weren’t going
perfectly how your show begins is appropriately this is what happened I think it is true that in the 1980s when cities were all broke and it’s falling apart in crime rates were going through the roof that in Jersey City New Jersey the show me please no more being injured that the insurance companies were growing going broke paying out their bills are Health bills they instituted size restrictions that were new to the police force cops who weighed too much had to go work in an office and cops who were under a certain height had to go work in an office so they took good police officers off the street
the part that I like the most that I think is true also is that they gave them a three-month period before they were going to pull him out of the streets and into the offices and the idea was if they could make series if they can make a series of like spectacular arrest if they could distinguish themselves the way the policeman do in win Awards tickets stay on the streets so what I pictured when I heard that and this is the part I actually think happened that there were a bunch of really tiny policeman running around trying to make really important to Ralph
do separate or just help me up in jail
you talking about the emotions so picture picture of an office space now the ones who couldn’t do that working in the office with each other like the cop with one leg in the overweight cop in the tiny cops are we trying to maintain your dignity in that environment these are those policemen from the walkie and they they have they happened on some evidence that could allow him to bust this whole thing open and they decided they can do something about a new very good could you love all of them and you reference the fuck John Wayne thing which is one of those other cops when he does a monologue that is I was a war veteran and he lost he got injured so much that it hurts when he walks and for the longest time he was embarrassed to walk because the face you make when he would walk would cause him pain and he was worried about the face making him a pussy and he was a soldier after all and he he he one day burst through a membrane by making a T-shirt and writing on a marker and they should you Show Mos footage
flashback of him doing it says fuck John Wayne on his shirt so that you can now walk around a track by himself it’s a shirt for nobody but himself because John Wayne’s name was Mary Ann and he didn’t go to war and he has all of that stuff is an illusion and in fact of men feeling like they have to be men so much that they actually do the least manly thing of all which is not admit that they are weak the date that they have the day that they are in pain so that’s really cool and beautiful and it’s it’s right where we want to be little if you’re like I’m not I’m swear to God I’m not like calling you because you’d like you’re being run like a God damn it why why did you do that but if I knew why you didn’t you’d be Chuck Lorre
you’ll have to see if you’d care to like the show you’ll notice that everything comes back
will he came back with the stuff them in a locker in the first season of autumn in Paris and it’s so late but that’s a big compliment because I don’t know if I can do any better use me sometimes like using that like like the Laird decisions like the Luxembourg police station is this palatial that’s like a funny thing like if you go to Luxembourg which has a homicide rate of zero until our protagonist comes through town in the Stuart X previous to the narrative happening the entire homicide department because it’s a less glamorous place because of your homicide rate is zero then that makes homicides equivalent of
maybe the entire homicide department is women and the and there’s all these toxic men who are like a lesser departments criminally speaking who are losing their fucking minds but murder has come to let Luxembourg and the women are in charge of solving it when they know and and like the first season it’s like this is amazing conversations your your your dialogue has this like weird mystical realism thing to it where every single character in your Universe basically speak like one person is that an insult like like like that lake lake lake Lake Bait you don’t bother with like oh this is Flo she she’s from Alabama’s so she makes grits like you like every character whether they’re in a sasin or whether it would have a language of their speaking their language in there subtitles like they all have the same
propensity for when you say that is that everybody speaks organically everybody speaks the way we do to each other with halting is casual I’m going to modify their vocabulary or their patswire whatever it’s like there’s still an international spy drama so people will be speaking French but the subtitles are like it’s like yeah they’re saying they’re following these chains of logic eyes itching is really good man I hope you’re not being insulted by then what I’m talking about the facts like I don’t try to make characters please don’t give it a second thought I’m so happy to be here to talk about any of it at all and I know that you did the show and I love that it provokes these questions from you it’s orange
and to be able to talk about this show like this idea that everybody talks to each other with some recognizably regular ways it’s a choice of our to make this thing feel like make-believe but then also more believable than a Jason Bourne series The Way
but the people’s appetites get expressed that we can concentrate on the 10 things that someone wants to be able to feel satisfied or to have dignity people get counted in our show counted on a no-show considered in the show by each other in ways that allows them to help each other John is not the only person in the show who needs love they’re all the group that you identified the little cop in the one like a cop they call themselves the broken toys but everybody in the show is a piece of broken play throw that away all the time I just have 3 countdown
I said broken season 3 they recreate that Rankin and bass with four allowed to make one Cafe recreate that Rankin and bass stop motion misfit toys song together in a Christmas episode Jesus
but if you want to do it I can do some stop motion animation Studios yeah I can help you with that
award-winning has done similar things you said something at the fucking crazy Marianas Trench like a question for me does this fucking show take place in reality or not because you defy for me like you it makes me twitch when I’m watching the show precisely because I’m usually able to like at some point go okay this is a metaphor or he like it’s like Mystikal like like like you watch like a like a crazy ironic action movie where you start to go okay this is tongue-in-cheek like like like cranker gun gun shoot them up or whatever it’s like where you like loading fingers into a Gun and shooting people with their own fingers the year your show it it it jet skis like back and forth across the sky
wake of that because the
the most fundamental things about traveling and doing things are what are driving things they all make everything go awry but I’m so curious about like how you think stabbing people in shooting people works because I don’t you maybe you’re right and I’m wrong or is it people keep getting stabbed and shot in your show and they’re like I got stabbed
another like can you can you help me and then like someone goes yeah like like I don’t know what they just don’t seem to get my fingers shut off spoilers sorry like I would be like okay no more fingers no more that’s it that’s it take me to jail. Dad’s been stabbed what’s my dad’s been stabbed a couple times so I don’t know who it doesn’t work at all I thought he was with you. I want to hear about your dad being stabbed and he got he got robbed on New Year’s Eve New Year’s Eve in LA and the guy was like give me your money and my dad was like fuck off and he’s like no give me your money and my dad like this like fuck off and then he was like what you got them twice for redundant
it’s French for stab
but yeah I got them in the face great it was good they call them I don’t remember how to say Scarface in Spanish but that’s what he wanted people to call him I don’t think I caught on but it happened in LA and he went back and was like check this out to Columbia where you lives my dad wasn’t Columbia me no no no this is all just to say
here’s to be stabbed or show being both grounded and absurd in a way that completely drives me and there’s a cold open of one of your episodes that I wanted to like transcribe and just read aloud I really am regretful that I didn’t do it cuz people should look at you is like a like your you write incredibly like you’re writing and directing so many like is it all of the episodes or I did all the episodes of season 2 and I have directed Jesus Christ are you a creditor are you a fucking animal but you’re doing too much over there like no but the same voices from dating and it’s like there’s a cold open where it’s just our protagonist and he’s like ostensibly at some point during his training and he’s like looking through a weird text book and all you hear is the off-screen voice of a CIA
who is who is what that has Tim Tim Nelson the off-screen instructors is the actor doing them since you just examine the textbook and all your hearing is a man explaining how to punch a dog unconscious and it’s like it’s not like you and the dogs are trained what’s the mistake that people make you do. Well the dog wants to do one thing he wants to bite a limb offer him your your your least valuable limb usual another thing stinks
nae nae nae and the instructor goes into a gratuitous and therefore further grounding amount of detail about how many braids it just needs to be punched a certain amount of times before it goes unconscious if you if you are in a fight with an 80 lb man you would laugh it off you would figure out ways to talk is 80 lb just like it’s like the instructor is an expert and how to beat a dog unconscious but is still offended by the idea that his students I really haven’t figured it out yet. It’s easier than you think and
you just see it but it’s almost like it’s brechtian Tim finishes with please turn the page 9 10 will learn how to knock a woman unconscious with a bicycle yes and then and only then it got over his shoulder when he turns the page and there’s I didn’t text like that that was a cool Rick desert in episode 7 yeah I mean you’re saying that like a psycho that validates at
where is an isolation that was I thought was so fun things to that we’re watching my doorman do a Buster Keaton or he’s looking around this classroom to try to find another pair of eyes to latch onto his wife or his being in the CIA going to be is it going to get worse before I can better and he can’t find anybody to return that eye contact so when you get to the end of what I’m hoping happens as the audience recognizes that he feels alone and overwhelmed
it’s what I mean that. My point of access for him is that he happens to be good at something then he’d probably rather not do his songs are there not McCartney ask at their level of like he’s not like it so into harmony as he is into total self-expression yeah playing so well he’s so good at explaining the things that he’s not allowed to talk about my folk singer is I recognize that you’re singing if you see any folk music in the park no one listens they just walked by
they don’t even take the time to hear that he is planning on making midnight raids and so he’s an invisible voice like that voice of his isn’t heard by anyone
yeah but what I love is that the CIA is invisible boys a basement in Amsterdam and and and he’s he’s laying out everything that he has to do with the cia’s perspective is like like what about is that he’s not doing it anyways this notion that people do get hurt in the show it’s important for it so important for us to separate from the other shows where that it can be the case and that we don’t ever walk by someone who gets hurt on Patriot if someone gets hurt on Patriot they become part of the Patriot family they get integrate into the storytelling the French police woman that John makes blind the shop owner who he has to steal the gun from they all return
and then they return to us they returned in the form of consequences but they don’t return in the form of accountability yeah yeah I’m at work but what do you think about that it’s not cool to debate your show because you showed should just do that later you’re the god of your Universe right so you make this universe in your Universe this protagonist in that one of the first things that happens in this is the thing that sucked me into the show his job is to get a job in Milwaukee at a pipefitter like company which is a hilarious thing that you I mean again the chops that you have on your Runner of the entire series is like all of the the presentation dialogue with when people are the difference between men who are fantastic at talking about pipe fitting and it’s just like weird Fusion of gibberish
and real pipe pneumatic terminology and we don’t know where one begins and ends I was like like like just almost sounds like this like Jabberwocky poem of how to get this like job at this company and there’s one guy ahead of him for the job and he’s next to that guy out in the street and he pushes the guy into an oncoming bus or whatever and the guy spends the rest of that season coping with his brain injury that he sustained in the in this job with a z and I was like oh that’s cool like like he we’re going to find out why a human being would get to a point where just because his not to disappoint his father he would push another man into the path of an oncoming car will fit that’s the that’s the an emotional reason but the the
the reason John’s being told that the math works like this that country is trying to become a nuclear power it’s our government’s position that we can’t allow that to happen for any number of threats reasons in been there will be parallel if that happens and your job is to not ask questions but your job is to get this bag for me to be to stop that from ever happening so there’s always this idea that there’s a greater consequence behind the smallness of our world of of Pain & Injury but the show doesn’t care about that
I think you can tell where our heart lays in the show like we love the small moments 3 we have a an expression in the writers room if you just call it Dirka Dirka when we’re talking about the government stuff and that’s from Team America and it just means these are just words that you won’t remember but it’s the it’s the superfly is the plutonium Patriot doesn’t want to live there very long I mean we need that to have a TV show but we living in front of the car like that he I’m saying like I’m afraid of God in real life I hate real life and I write stories because I hate the fact that Godlike makes my sister retarded for no reason and there’s no resolution of that story that I do cruel things to people and I never get punished for it these are the things that I hate about life and then I’m I’m I’m sort of like
I feel like a difference between me and you is that I die and I truly do as a self-loathing right here I go like I think this makes me this is something that I see is a strength in you or at least intimidating in you lately I don’t really like strength to beat this whatever better worse whatever but it intimidates me about you that you don’t feel that pressure to make sure that that guy got that that got pushed into traffic that he I don’t know gets his comeuppance what she really doesn’t he he he becomes a kind of a running gag I mean he he’s an annoyance use an obstacle it’s an inconvenience to our hero that he did that to a person but it’s like sort of like oh man I hurt this guy so now this guy that I got to deal with this guy God didn’t say that but it looks sort of like
who is how I picked it back up we we see we see John riding his bicycle at night and it really treacherous race where they intentionally run stop signs in Brunswick River check singing a song about this young person who pushed in front of her truck and he says he has to have a therapy Companion now and he’s probably never going to laugh again what is that mean if you can’t have left if you can’t if you can’t laugh you probably will can have loved so he sings the song on this bicycle in this race call The Charles Grodin and then he hurts more people between episode 2 and episode 10 and then episode episode 10 he be rides in front of a moving car so that he’ll be killed so he’s carrying the weight of that stuff the momentum of that causes him not to want to be alive anymore wants to die because of those things it’s because he’s been
that these are copies of collateral people and he knows that they’re not love their father that much the answer is you and I respect that so much like they do you are like for a mean you like really a here’s the thing like you like to talk about other stuff now I wanted to take a deep dive into that like I think God you’re out there like like like pitching hay let me do this and then your fucking like like I did to me I feel like I like like I’m like I have like a valve in my head that makes me go okay but yeah at the end of the day though you got to make the nice people happy and it’s not like you’re being punk rock and throwing your shit at the audience in a in a bar like what you’re doing is like you’re a little bit like the protagonist or something that you’re like
you don’t have that like Terror of disappointing strangers as much as something else you’re answering some kind of I don’t know you remind me of Nic pizzolatto the True Detective guy like I do is just like I ate these writers that I’m like did you do that for
thank you. Cuz I’m like my answer is like why the fuck would you do anything to make people like you and I have this like nuanced awareness of course you’re not going to like you if they ever get wind of that so I’ll do a little thing right now is the guy you love to hate but not really like and then there’s like in this like streaming age of Television where there’s like there’s executive they’re willing to buy your show because they’re going to put it on Amazon where it gets lost in a search engine for spatulas but lately you I’m not I’m not talking shit that you have an experience like your you’ve you got a second season but your show is like
being an Amazon is like a weird mixed blessing it’s like maybe you’ll win an Emmy maybe no one will ever find your show ever because they’re happy selling irons a leg at a time if you were if you were if you and I were that look like wolves this isn’t going to work on CBS ABC or NBC so I don’t want to live in that world where it’s like oh it doesn’t work on one of those three so let’s not do it I mean it’s a beautifully shot by the way you’re like almost obsessive desire to stay in the wide I want to fucking kiss you play so many scenes in the fucking wide I love it like like good love you thank you thank you
after I love you I love that you’re a writer than your fucking shooting in your like yeah fucking white why ruin a one or the fucking guy walks into have a conversation fucking do it now when you cut the ice maker event to do another guy’s face
I love it rock it my face into another guy’s face that’s exactly how I feel a POV Shot Ya will the show Jane illustrate the effects of drugs and alcohol which is really effective it’s not obnoxious like you just show his POV like yeah it’s pretty high
I just want whoever cares to come to the show to really get lost inside of about world because we do ask a lot of the audience it can be peculiar interns but the cinema of it shouldn’t be I think I I don’t want to look like TV I think the show takes a part of this newer art form where we inherited this thing from The Sopranos and Deadwood where you can just keep the story going and I wanted to feel like a new sort of thing and have these great filmmaking Partners only showing I’m glad that you appreciate that part of it because it’s part of the power of the show it if it works for you it’s part of it are you a guy
yeah I’m a big fan of sequences by the way cuz you mentioned it like the title cards for your show so really I mean one more thing about just as a writer and director like on the spectrum of actors are cattle they’re incredibly valuable cattle so try to find the ones that are the best-looking cattle of all the way to the other end of the Spectrum which is actually you know what we barely do anything at the end of the day either Joel McHale and Alison Brie are in your shower they’re not and if you didn’t like likely because they’re Attractive people people of tuna and like I’ve gone I’ve gone to both places like in my part where I’m like you know what we do we put pretty heads on a bun. Pretty heads that sounds like people that people want to look at and Leah
talks and as writers because there’s a reason why no one tunes into a fucking script and it’s just how do you feel about actors
I have had films where I’m not directing them to just kind of go away if you can’t figure out how to communicate to the actor for just going to take it in on Patriot we just don’t have that we have just getting to the day as the only ordeal and Patriots shooting a lot of pages the actors are glad I think to come to work and to be complicated and we have good looking people in the show
I don’t I guess I don’t look at it like that they’ve all become really important to me and they’re also could like McDormand he’s a good-looking guy oh my God that’s not what but that’s not what he pushes on the show East Timor weather is like he’s just so cute and so sad big sad
yeah yeah so sad and all the all the all the female characters in the show from little six-year-old girls to his own mother their victims of his Madness and his own wife is like yeah I know he’s really sweet like when he’s high actually he doesn’t get violent like like and he is characterized as sad and like all these beautiful shots you do just showing him walking from one job to the next cuz now he’s going to deal with this and he’s just he’s performing as good as Percocet jolicoeur is that I didn’t I just found out tonight cuz I bothered to Wikipedia him he’s Australia
God truly like we should we should start closing our borders well it just occurred to me they don’t like asking is not a way to become a celebrity there is a way to be an artist so they’re not any different than a camera operator they don’t act any different than the rest of our Crew He is a humble and tremendously hard-working artist
we know he we put Mike in the end he swam the English Channel TV show in the character climbs over a electric fence thing like what did you over an electric fence if you can just withstand the pain
it’s a beautiful scenery explains a little girl is like she’s like what are you going to do tonight yeah you go you can because their liabilities with electric fences the here’s the big exactly they they they have to be less voltage than would knock a toddler unconscious it’s about willpower if it was just like a sort of like visceral like shoes that you do this cuz like that high we get from the boring thing where it’s like I know how to pick a lock in you you do this weird childish thing that I don’t know where he goes like I have to jump 40 ft you about Connie and then the person is talking to guys make sure you land on your butt because that’s not that’s a that’s a absolute mistake know that’s a lot of everyone thinks that if you landed on
but in a 40-foot of all your you could any me names all the medical things that can happen to you that would basically incapacitate you is like the best thing you can do is submit to the fact that you’re going to be unconscious for 17 minutes by going sideways and knocking your head because you’re landing on your side and then and then hitting your accepting that your head is going to get hit and go to jump in that book here’s the way to express the safest thing to do is to land on the organ that is protected by an encasement of bone
which is your head on your shoulder but when we made the book.
Your head you’ll break your neck that he doesn’t like but but but it’s like better your head when it’s little shit like that like where he is interested mystical realm because his planned or lack of is that he’s going to go to the building and he’s going to jump and he knows that he’s going to be unconscious for 17 minutes which he is he’s just a guy laying on a balcony unconscious and then he wakes up and then he walks into a building that he doesn’t have to now clip wires and just laid there and he gets up and goes and then he snatches the filing AIDS it’s it’s yeah it’s if you were if you were asking the viewer to believe every single Hollow you like Tom Clancy but never saying this person is alone they’re sad and all the stuff is the okay here’s the thing I want it
talk about the friendship with Rob saperstein is that his name so I wore for you like what is that that’s the Friendship for you that’s like crazy yeah I have one of those Jim Becker is a is a friend of mine who’s a musician who rob is when I write Rob I think of Jim this friend who looks like Jerry Garcia’s just like this chill dude but in season one we we were pretty sure he hung himself if he’s only complication is do you prefer the Willie Nelson version of Pancho and Lefty Townes Van Zandt that’s where John wants to be he wants to be in a bar having that debate
yeah. That’s what gets me really is is that what you want do you want to just hang out and drink and do you write in and make stuff as a as a to what degree is it like washing dishes and I just want to keep from killing me lately and to what extent is it a good go to do it cuz it’s so important like I I feel like I found you if you were an heir to a Nike Fortune would you be doing what you do or you do you do it because you desperately didn’t want to die of starvation and now it’s an addiction and my brother are my brother plays Dennis in the show
my brother’s the guy who is good but your brother is Dennis yeah we’ve been doing that whole lives just making stuff up and filming it in so I would be doing that I guess with Chris and with my friends on the show that I I prefer music and movies to writing anything else because if you’re not alone all the time writing is tremendously hard because of all the time you have to spend by yourself and it is that it’s the only it’s the only aspect of that color of that huge collaboration of people that whole thing that only one person does alone and it’s really hard for me I don’t like it an awful lot and as time goes by I like it less and less frightening by yourself it is raining. Is it is it is it feels like
all right it’s like not cutting it snow more productive and interesting if you kids and your writing is not as cool it’s like garbage it’s like it’s like rubbing a fucking pencil in and out of your nasal cavity exactly as I guess I go there we go again another reason to feel pain because I tried to fucking figure out how to explain something yeah or Minecraft thank you thank you for his I’m so glad you said that could truly I mean I’m I feel very confident like it going like I know a good writer when I hear they’re writing like that just to meet to me it’s not about like within can you give me like movies and TV shows near this is a I have this Obsession about structure and stuff where I don’t know where I’d be gettin into that’s kind of what I’ve been circling with the but then you get down to the root of the matter where like
I’m always like Quentin Tarantino is so good at dialog there’s such a I don’t care if he falls in and out of fashion I don’t care what it’s like interesting to say academically about the structure of his films or whatever like I know when someone is writing dialogue when they have like this gift like you are you you have so much like pouring out of you and I think that’s what it is a time when I’m watching the show it’s just like I’m never more than ten seconds away from the matter what corner you’ve been boxed in. That’s a weird way of saying that this guy really was on a deadline or drunk or like I care as hard as writing is like I think it maybe is that hard because I care about it a lot. I think the worst thing you can do
like if you’re going to make rocking chairs it’s like first rule care about it like if you go to McDonald’s caramel McDonald’s you probably like excel at McDonald writing McDonald and it’s like if you care you’re going to fail right I don’t care
my pictures of those uniforms and it sounds like fun I think we should open a reading McDonald’s a tremendous personal cost in your life to you become a person who is impossible to live with you locked himself in he’s apparently thinks he’s ready to Citizen Kane of episodes about a fucking pickle or whatever they getting any more that Jan was like know it probably wasn’t that it would sleep with like over the weekend with I spent this today I spent today like highlighting and deleting so much shit that I spent so much time writing for fucking lycro Rick’s going to really be funny when he said
this and then I’m just like noticing is highlight delete because I finally have the luxury of going like no
I’ve no one’s fighting me I’m in no fights and I can objectively go that’s crap and then I’m like notice you spent three hours on that line for no reason sorry man I hate writing as long as our point
you said you’re saying that the guild might withhold our payments are where we only get you either write something good because you fucking big had to you can’t like I hated that we would go like I’m going to make this good and then it’s like 6 hours later and it’s like you made it bad ass know-it-all accidentally or with the impossible to recognize Source just comes to you and you can never call it all you can do is fend off the people who want their Scripts
until that happens the talent you must have is being able to make people wait until that thing finally accidentally comes together
music. Like at the music has an entirely different way of coming together that is it a more peaceful than that like the writing fiction is the hardest thing I’ve been counted among all the different things I do on Patriot that is the the miserable job supposed to supposed to happen like you said yeah I just like I’m like oh put two people in a room let me have this Father’s Day to this son I need to do this and then boy this Suns going to let him have it but like I’m different from you because the whole time the sun is Lenny with father have it I wouldn’t have one eye on the audience and I’d be going like right you’re deeper than that to me cuz you’re going like I don’t care like I’m like here’s what it feels like to love your father so much that it hurts everyone around you that’s
grown-up shed so thank you for doing that even though it’s next to the spatulas actually maybe I don’t because I want you to do whatever you would do if it didn’t act like you’ve done he’s already putting I heard him he’s put into the third season already hasn’t done it yet look I want to see this guy suffer a little bit about Steven where you from what part shot that out just in case realistic as we go to Chicago every once in awhile so wrought up about mine a little bit no one who works in the show
these are riding in the winter in Chicago there’s nothing else to do but I think that helps us but nobody who works in the show has did not part of the thing yeah they’re all just people I picked out from Chicago who have worked with me for 10 years and the only way they know to do anything is our way which isn’t a better way better Harman said they’re doing it the right way when I think of you I like that idea of like the the Luxembourg cops like their toxic masculinity like going like and I hope you get a third season to make something that’s even darker and more awful that will benefit mankind
let’s talk about Tim Allen’s The Santa Clause
so are you have you seen the first thank you for your applause
I have if you see the first one I not only did I see the first when I was traumatized by it
considering being divorced which is the heaviest decision somebody can make watching a movie that I think pretty much said the only way your son will love you if you’re divorced dad is if you become this mythical guess I was so drawn into the last one and I was like holy shit when it didn’t fade in a sleigh bells ring and his like I like french fry wrappers and it’s like like like Christmas I got to work it was neither Tim Allen was like totally get it the importance of Christmas like love my family wish my son would spend Christmas with me and like wait this is the third Act of most Christmas movies and I know from the billboard that this guy’s going to become Santa Claus really way too excited cuz I was like fish it’s going to go deep
because the only available art for this guy has to do with his divorce and his acceptance of his sons he’s like that he’s going to be there cuz it’s going to fall off the roof cuz I saw the trailer so I know what happens that he gets the suit and then has it that he was going to be like are you fucking kidding me I’m going to prove my my son stepfather that was such a fucking piece of shit in the reindeer are the elves would be like can we do Christmas can’t be weaponized zoom out why are you why did you watch the three of them and watch all three of them blew my fucking mind
I don’t know I got you I got this is all I got was the ending that was mrs. Claus she’s Jewish and I’m like I’m like there’s no good Christmas movies that Chris is dumb so then you add a good Christmas like Christmas story is yeah I would seen it right now he’s a good guy he’s very sexy he’s very practical
I’m going to go deep and it didn’t I was I was mistaking the movie like being kind of irresponsibly amorphous that I was like projectiles like this it’s going to get fucking cry new want because because he needs to get over his judge judgmentalism like like like basically he’s going to get in charge of an who’s naughty and who’s nice and he’s going to need to accept that if you have that power you need to be like Woodrow Wilson’s like Administration you need to like I would not want to watch you watch that
Cody and I was at wee wees pause movies like in the end we both agreed on the tire watching Santa Claus one is like we both kept saying I’m so excited there’s two more of these can explain more like that’s why there’s two more of them cuz we both kept also going against starting to suck but it doesn’t make any sense but at the very end of The Santa Clause one which seems like a very low budget kind of thing where they didn’t quite believe in it like chatting Tim Allen was like you know will give you 20 million dollars is some morphine bits like that maybe the chimney can like more full it’ll bit heard about this morphing thing and it will build 3 stats and it’s got a sleeper hit like I felt like watching Lethal Weapon 1 where it’s like they didn’t believe this was going to do anything and then the second one was like fucking
pictures of first one and would like a couple of kids putting on jetpacks like elves and they’re like we are like I love the elves of the jetpack second 190 million dollars agency G fucking think this story is so fucking awful feeling like 20 years of mind-blowing thing
Santa Claus to have you seen it isn’t that something it’s in the beginning of the movie is like Tim Allen is already Santa Claus because obviously the resolution of the first movie he’s like well I love the now I love I’m going to live at the North Pole Forever Until I Die
and I’m going to be the Santa Clause on that so he’s just like somebody tell him and he’s like somebody tell me what and they’re like you have to have a wife or you’re going to turn back into Tim Allen and he’s like oh no and I’m like what that would have been relevant the first movie what movie is going to happen backwards unless you marry someone I’m already like okay like I know that lately so marry someone like every one of your character is divorced he’s already an expert in the fact that marriage means nothing go find a woman may explain to her see her in toys but like
that’s not a wife
Dave
yeah that’s not what the actual just ceremony know but like I said I have to fall in love with a woman that’s worse might do in order to accomplish that task they split him in two will continue turns one Tim Allen into a plastic Hitler Santa Claus and the other Tim Allen can slowly morph back into Tim Allen while he goes back to my hometown and finds a woman that he’s entitled to that
luckily for him he finds within two women of his two women Montage Montage it’s one day Molly Shannon shows up but how can you be a montage get ahold dating my god dude you don’t have a dating much are you fucking your brain the grace of Christ
you have an ex-wife who hook you up with Molly Shannon who by the way is pretty attractive fucking well as a woman in it the whole gimmick of her character. She’s so into Christmas that turns them off to you fuck you screaming at the TV you do of course he has to lie because Santa Claus and everyone knows if you’re Santa Claus the whole point is you have to lie because I work in toys and he’s like he’s like no I don’t know if this woman I’m entitled to is like making the cut what do you do and she’s like well I’m a fucking like she rattles off some occupations that I guess are unsexy but then she’s like she’s like but it would have really want to do is sing and he’s like oh really and she’s like yeah do you know Shania Twain I love her and she’s singing a Shania Twain song and everyone in the restaurant store
including fucking Tim Allen married to
story take place of big cities are you fucking kidding me you know how lucky you are that your ex-wife hooked you up with a Christmas loving bitch going to dinner cuz he was a fucking golf so I don’t know if I got into a fucking shit singing out loud to your fucking Santa Claus he will live in a fucking secret bunker in your wildest dreams if you go down on her tonight and she likes it you have to have been tell her please marry me and if you say yes come live with me forever at the top of the planet with elves and reindeer has a bunch of fucking right here and refers Progeria people and animatronic reindeer and just so I can spend your life hanging out while I do one thing one night a year and then suck my dick
will you please if you would please if you would please I would you ever acquire it for my
falls into a relationship with this like the principal of the school of his kid who like don’t like a team and then she and he’s like oh well I think I love her and see the whole movie the whole movie they go through to they have to go back to the North Pole the movie is over in 10 minutes and then go back to the North Pole with the woman who’s like the unlikely love interest and they defeat robot Nazi Santa Claus
who is decided that all children are naughty so they should all get cold so he has an army of toy soldiers amazing idea that should have been the whole point of the movie but
play Glee pretty taken since ago he’s crazy the Crazy Santa Claus if he’s not crazy he’s following the rules of being seeing if he should be like what is naughtiness like they’ve they’re so close to a fucking profound thing where it’s like what the fuck man like fucking let’s do this like the whole world should be the North Pole like that should have been nothing but they they pulling back from chances to wake people up
he comes back while I’m sitting here I’m just repeating in my head the whole movie is about a chance is to awaken people yeah I know babe you have to find a wife and then he was like to find a wife and then like would go and let go like okay have to find a wife and his heart wouldn’t be in it I need a mrs. Claus because the it have any institution of marriage be like a formality and then like the complication could be that he he fell in love and I don’t like a reverse Cinderella any romantic story everyone is like a range marriage verses that where the heart wants to go but instead they’re just like a cheese that’s not a lot of time to find a wife, I love the way you thinking about it
five minutes of the movie they come back to the North Pole not see Santa Claus is like almost oh my God the chicken clock on this you guys
oh my God like if they don’t catch this guy in time she is going to gradually deliver coal to
one house at a time
different doctor know they start telling people that the world is blowing up
what did any fucking let him know about this week let him go build him a second sleigh when I’m going to deliver cool that’s not going to go over with anyone really follow the old marriage then baby so they could have done for the second movie they could have gotten a wife and then there’s a whole dilemma with a baby that because Santa Claus in a conveniently circular orbit above the North Pole because it doesn’t go anywhere at the sleigh crashes back down where the where the slight left so no nay never going to go anywhere and I thought you was not going to succeed even if he did like how amazing would that be everyone got cold last night
she created so that she could fuck a woman crashes the sleigh did it that’s so great at gmail is like he looks exactly like Tim Allen cuz the whole point of the movie is that his magic is reversing so now he looks like Tim Allen and he’s like let’s go I don’t know let’s go do what we do is go deliver the presents and the elf goes like they had Alex goes like and looks at his regular Tim Allen body and returns to the female lead in the movie
fucking 5 minutes from the credits and he goes like I forgot to tell you
that you now have a choice I want to put choice in really big peppermint are quotes you have a shoulder please stop between a legally binding yourself to fellating me for the rest of your life in an underground bunker outside of any national jurisdiction
or it’s your choice I’ll take you back home and Christmas no more Christmas forever
I made my decision to take the movies and I’m not a feminist I look I hate women I Marvel at this movie you hate when it what you want Santa to do the right thing is what you’re saying
what would your husband think kids don’t care about marriage that’s the thing that they ran into in the movie then click the guy was already divorced we swallowed that horse pill in the first movie it just meant that he was single so we could do sex jokes is like you’re not at your nice it your ass is nice and she’s like me in your dreams lay boy movie about finding a wife okay no don’t reckon it’s a it’s a kids movie don’t make it about that because then the rest of it so the second movie is going to be about him slowly turning from Santa Claus in to Tim Allen while he tries to fuck a woman
do you think maybe they’re just setting up a really Majestic third Martin Short as Jack a fucking awesome like Ozark
I mean I will Nova
I will watch the third Santa Claus know I really need Cody’s like why aren’t you home why aren’t we watching the third Santa Claus let me know I’ll tell you what it is if I can vitamin B shot into the arm of a Dying franchise
wait but if he’s if he’s in a movie how does that make him a real person was just I don’t get it Jack Frost what the fuck are you talking about what are you talking about that franchise I’m not I don’t like like that it’s like it’s like oh my God it’s so skirting will like Chris recent free Trump like like liberals screenwriters in like we just inflated this bubble we’re so surprised to pop because every villain in the franchise is like someone who inexplicably doesn’t want Christmas decorations to go up and it sounds like something you’d see on Facebook but it’s not because the principal that he ends up fucking and imprisoning in his compound
and people she begins as a as a cuck snowflake principal my God but here’s her reason for being anti-christmas she doesn’t think that school budget should be spent on such frivolities when people should be focusing on Academia that’s not an actual issue anymore not because of some crazy person who thinks that they saved money ya ya School budgets are expensive because the people want things so they know it’s fine I like I’ll fucking I’ll fuck you forever like I met you three days ago Jim Allen and back
Easton swimming right at the end he marries her on the spot it gets in his sleigh and and he and she’s like see later and he’s like hey send something like a get get ready
he’s like just fucking ready cuz I have you I’m going to be out all day really good truck drivers like I moved back in to make this holiday but when I come back you better but I’m going to take I’m going to take your mood as an insult
you better you better spend this time the working in a leg back realizing how much you love me I think there should be an alternate ending where it’s just like him in the backseat of the sled just kind of checked out looking out the window as he’s like going home you know never addresses even though the whole thing invites you to ask questions about how Christmas works like it all this fun of like what there’s no chimney or will then it more like they never ever there’s nothing about like how do I hit every house on the planet in
6 hours there’s nothing nothing bad like free Jim Carrey mask actually wonder if it’s like I don’t know what their excuse is I think it’s just like they didn’t believe in the movie and I just like it looks like just like a cutout of Tim Allen like he’s just being keyframes like he just goes down the chimney and then and then and then they make this big deal about how someone else is doing it chimneys and here’s how they handle it the houses that don’t have chimneys well they have like a little pipes and so he more to go down there and then they cut their version of a poor person’s house which just has a radiator and the radiator morphs into a magical Doctor Who fireplace
then apparently travels with Santa Claus because you know the whole point of the movie is to take every piece of the sea Legend and make it real as I really like Rich screen or what do poor people do to justify Santa coming to turn into fireplace
he comes in the door like a human Doody come to the door I was like Jesus Christ and like it’s fine
okay one more one thing okay
I know I have to get in a plane in 20 minutes just getting in the car
and watch Patriots I watch everything he does
may I may I thank all of you and then also Dan I wanted to thank you I got 20 messages from the crew in the cast to thank you too for sharing how you feel about the show with everybody else means a lot to everybody thank you yeah please extend our gratitude to them I hope I hope you guys get a third season to be in harmontown Merry Christmas to all of you we were so happy to have you this year thank you for 2018 thank you to everyone is cut out to the downtown tonight at the theater in Prior year was our first year here we’re so excited to be in our new home we love you Jeff Davis and shut up to church Spencer
Steve Reedy Cherry Hill principal