Episode
Episode: 333 – The Scootie Cutie
Description
Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis, Spencer Crittenden, Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport.
Transcript
check check one two
tell me again how you doing
poop the sexy late arrivals
Carver Park is melting in the dark all that sweet green eyes and Chloe
welcome to harmontown Hermantown is now in session ladies and gentlemen
everybody there in between I’m just David Spencer Crittenden
oh damn we are the dreamers of Dreams let’s bring out the dreamer of my strength of bring out the mayor of harmontown Dan Harmon
oh yeah talking about talking about summer in two seasons damn I remember girl when you used to be around the way used to be downtown used to back in the day used to seems like it used to be back in the day Jam used to be back in the day seems like long ago used to be from around
way back in the D to the a to the wife back in the day okay
that was like a like a summer hits the most touching I do not but if you follow me on Instagram when you have no choice of me that’s like that’s my big platform have an instagrammer and I was driven from Twitter with pitchforks and torches you can look at it a variety of otherwise but decent minded taxpayers who just don’t want a monster on their phone semantics but you say monster I say I’m so squirrely tonight. Lady was improvising the songs in my car and then they bring them home a moving Target here I don’t have a
I keep changing my process but I’m like are you driving or are you letting Tesla do the heavy lifting I mostly driving I mean hands-free but you know it doesn’t the different you do you do the other hands-free Tesla stuff like you actually left the car drive away yeah yeah absolutely 100% a better driver than me a picture of sensors I’ve always been such a panic about Lane changes like I’m just so bad at blind spots to I just ate it makes it all the worse that I’m so phobic about cutting someone off the 5 freeway you’re going toward the interchange with it you could go to Glendale or you could stay on the 5 and the car knows that you’re going to go to Star Burns and its changes lanes for you yeah all of the Freeway stopped as soon as you’re at once we’re on the freeway now it’ll it’ll change lanes for u8 it is they’re upgrading as it goes it’s kind of fun and feels
you’re like a beta tester it’s like day you think you know it knows the guy behind you isn’t a fucking lunatic is not going to run you down but we know that yes yeah he died and I was supposed to leave the autobot the autopilot just knock them into the side of the highway to fight or something and just smashed his car all up to death it’s it’s yeah I’m not I’m not going to trust the thing for decades I I mean I but it is what it is is it’s like the best cruise control ever been out of driving are your hands like on the wheel and your feet on the pedals yeah you got to do that
what I eat but I will take advantage of it wanting to do the work for me it has sensors all over it that are better at at telling me if there’s anyone in my blind spot like I’m still going to look you know I’m just I’m just do it I’m just more relaxed now it’s not like I’m like sleeping it won’t let you it but what’s interesting is how they look really got these upgrades I didn’t want to talk about this is a douche talk but but it is it is fun to like you’re getting me to upgrade to like it was for a while you get on the freeway and then it was like it was it was like I’m going to change lanes but you have to confirm that I can change lanes how but using the signal which is the images felt like such a change now it’s it’s it’s like oh no it’ll it’ll signal on its own all you have to do is keep your hands on the wheel because it before it changes Lanes it just wants to check in with you and you give a little resistance on the Wheel to prove that you’re not
sleep in the backseat
anyways I don’t want to talk about that I love my fucking car I think it’s so cool I love it when I’m trying to like make me not love it like when it when I see you when I look at your awesome Instagram songs My question is are how much are you driving or not driving while you’re doing them probably 95% of the time I’m driving okay because I’m probably not on the freeway or if I am yeah it’s an auto driving thing is not like it’s like a Minority Report it’s not it’s not like I did today cuz I was going all the way to Encino so I was for a while I was just chilling hands-free while I was making up a song and maybe that’s why I came up with this I’m not going to play it but I just like it was like this really touching song I was at like like I just started singing like what it was like where are my homies where are my friends who wrote this movie how does it end or it where it got to be about gay gang Bangerz from
end of it and I was like oh my God that’s so touching like it’s not even funny at all in fact if you received it as a joke then it would be homophobic joke so it had better be serious about this beautiful love story between two fucking gay dudes from East LA they just want to run away run away together cuz away rhymes with j
but also cuz it’s a beautiful story anyways I’m assuming we have more people in the audience tonight than usual cuz of our handsome friends that are here oh yeah is that true or how many how many people are here for our guest
I think you’re right I think that was at 11 oh wait are you here tonight did I say something that ended up on TMZ is that why you’re here I am I racist again
you know what I’ll feel that I am
you were off it for a while but your back baby I tried to quit you got to accept that. Sorry to give me the contraction but I just wanted to like
okay so I still maintain you are overreacting to the lime scooter thing I think is what there’s no yes there’s this new thing that you guys are doing at first you were like I don’t like these scooters because they’re new
and they’re everywhere and you don’t like new things that are everywhere talkin about this backstage that’s why you don’t support the transgender Community or anything like that you hate that are sweeping and changing the way people and challenging people right now you’re Hypocrites like maybe your sidewalk is identifying as like orwellian lately I think it’s a great idea. Let’s find out don’t police it did that being said like I’m 46 I’m not going to use one of these things for a while I got to see him I got one of these days I’m going to use one of those are on and they’re so fun so the day finally came I’m Drive I drive home from work and there’s one right in front of my house okay it’s parked there I’m like this is probably it cuz I’m going to be late to Little Dom’s which is like probably a 7 and 1/2 minute walk it’s impossible to drive there and park it said it’s like this is the this is scooter tonight it’s four blocks from your place it’s going to be like
time you do I assume there’s a QR code on I might I might get this is as easy as one of those vending machines where that you did with the QR code app from the man who am I glad I embrace that technology like I became lord of the Fritos in like only in that one city but like maybe I’m going to become scooter guy now this is it I walk down there and I’m like I scan the QR code We’re Off to the Races we got a nap gloden okay and this guy my age got a wallet chain Good Start Pizza I just don’t understand this impulse from people like he sees me I guess he’s a neighbor he felt very comfortable talking to me like like like he sees me from a hundred yards away walking towards me diagonally across the street while shouting out in apparent camaraderie
assume the camaraderie with me because but he sees me scanning the scooter but he just keeps got filled with so much hatred about the scooters that he must assume that I’m like reporting the scooter to the Gen X X or something like here’s another one
blistav too much avocado toast all the time if I’m going to hate Millennials is going to be for a really good reason but not for us because of the other stuff
when is that dog named you’re trying to get online with the scooter so I’m like yeah I’m like interacting with it and he’s just like how comfortable can you ever be in the assumption that you know what I’d like to do with those fucking thing I thought to take every single one of those motherfuckers put it on my truck ticket to the city dump
you you can make them all know what’s stopping him from doing that somebody takes all the scooters and throws them off of the clubhouse shit man Rick and Morty one’s not coming out for three years South Park did it till like South Park going to do it don’t do it but anyways he’s the guy with you about hanging recent finish saying all that it’s like back time the edit so that he finishes it in my face which is weird is that he starts talking to her now he’s here and I’m like High
nnnn nnnn before I can ask the question which I’m not going to here’s what I did say cuz I’m like I went I went well make sure but make sure you do that after this thing saved my bacon
what hell yeah and I said well I’m late for a meeting and he’s got to be either. You know I’m thinking grip
how possibly key
well, he had the authority of a GE Credit he might have been he might have been best boy oh boy energy a wallet chain like eye contact like I fucking black with looking at shit that doesn’t want to look at them like like I contact with everything especially me who wants to look at me look at me I got shit to do and I mean the guy that’s going to save my life and steal Cody when the zombies, you know about this particular thing yeah I mean
walking like in a way that that she he was just like patrolling the neighborhood with his little clingy chain
nnnn to then he said that’s something to talk about some of that interact with his like let’s be neighbors and you start shouting this thing at me so then I just I want to try it out and he doesn’t really seem to hear that which is fine I don’t I don’t fault them that I’m not a good communicator and then he’s like but he’s like to put the question my head was like what’s your what’s your proposed beef like what is it an eyesore you’re wearing a wallet chain like
what’s the what is the fucking beef is what I want to know and I hadn’t read any news about it stuff like that but he he goes people are getting drunk and they’re bashing their heads open I wanted to say I didn’t say this 100 you’re a humanitarian
you you love people your beef with the scooters is that you hope more people that ride scooters you wish that they just have long happy lives which is going to be exemplified by his next statement because then he finally takes in that I’m like I got my credit card out and I’m trying to do this again because any I wrote it down I literally said you’re not going to write that fucking thing are you
and I said yeah
I’m going to try
and he was like
and he walked away and then I never I got to the point I had scanned my driver’s license I just can’t you know it’s dark out and it took me like eight minutes out there that’s how I got to that point where I was like at this point you could have walked there so now are you an idiot if you keep going are you an idiot if you stop and I just it asked for a credit card as like I’m out like that’s what the kids say they stay out of it they had a y to the out e5000 that’s a reference to the Audi 5000 automobile so very modern car another thing I’ll say is It’s Like a G6 something will be like a G6
that means it’s like a airplane
that’s Fergie
you could be Audi 5000 you could be like a G6 did you ever get on the vehicle and then scan it was dusk it was not having a phone was not having a good time scanning so I quit while I was ahead and this is the thing that I have is your beef the head and everything so apparently then I go meet my friends at dinner and I am like this crazy guy in this beef with people have all these scooters with a deal turned out all my friends have beef with these this group because they’re a hazard like people are yes they’re there you can go and you can hash tag this so you can watch everybody
the things that the reason why I really did give up is because it told me a thousand times you supposed to be wearing a helmet and I was like a bike but it’s also a good idea I was kind of why I was worried I wasn’t really worried about being a jerk I was actually worried decide between that guy yelling this thing harping about how much I was like it’ll be just my luck I’ll get like pulled over like like like like a community outreach program will be like you know when you’re getting on them and they’re and they’re dead they’re getting head injuries but I don’t I’m not one of those people that’s a good thing but like I don’t I don’t think people should get hurt I don’t want to get hurt I don’t care how bad you are I hope it I hope Hitler had a good day his his last day before he killed himself like I I I wish she hadn’t killed so many people but I also like I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I’m not a capital punishment
I don’t think that I don’t want people to suffer right don’t take that out of context big meme
I hope shitler had a good day
quit
what contact should we take that and I don’t know actually that could only help my political numbers right now. Come on we got we got we got a big show tonight
I just saying like it it was kind of weird it’s like like like like people are are you really mad about the people that you pick a lane like your grousing about this thing are you are you really because you’re worried if I go back to my like probably the first episode of the showroom like this the shoe tying thing like you don’t really care if I trip and fun excited that my shoelaces are untied it’s like your little your little corner of the world yeah yeah I see your shoelace is untied it’s like time for you to be empowered I I just I just wish that that the people on the East with you want but obey the regular laws right fucking sidewalk and run me down to the White House through intersections on bikes and stuff to murder those fucking kids scooters fault but it was just perfect
but he was at an intersection he’s he’s driving in the street on one of these scooter to the helmet on so he’s by the book baby I wanted to murder him because he pulled up to the intersection and he’s just keep directing traffic at a four-way intersection and he keeps like he’s doing that thing where he’s looking at me and like because his hand movement isn’t making my car move forward which would have caused due to collide with oncoming traffic because of the fucking intersection is only focused on the car he wants to move like he’s trained for this and he’s just like getting pissed at me and I’m like sealed in my car and I can’t get to you fucking asshole that you’re trying to make me die this deal on those people that they started that they’re there like they did just have a nervous tick they get to a four-way stop and they’re like they’re like oh something is a boss of you because like you might have a reason to not go like there’s a cheap in front of you or something or a bike
and the person is not his only looking at you and they’re like
no one can relate to that story I can you haven’t been an intersection or sheep Crossing and people are mad snow that happens to me all the time I think I do that sometimes but usually I clock it before like the second wave I’m like oh there’s someone I can’t see okay I’m done dude what are you doing like waving your hand at me I was in Tulsa Oklahoma last weekend and it was like the Kentucky Derby Day at your sisters here there was people that we’re going to watch the Kentucky Derby and they were drunk and they were all on e-scooters around Tulsa Oklahoma and everybody was fucking shit canned and it was just a bunch of people that shouldn’t have been driving on a nice good or drunk and as I’m going to watch somebody getting murdered by a by a moving like a SUV in though
the only argument I understand is like what people say about motorcycles are like driving without insurance like it’s like you it’s the even if it’s just you getting injured like you can fuck up the lives of people around you by getting injured I get I mean it’s like kind of like about like why things need to be like why you really concerned about this point they’re not wearing a helmet so if I hit them I’ll be guilty of murder instead of a bird or a lime or whatever the fuck the scooters are and you go see one let’s say you’re 14 years old and you have your mother’s credit card you can you can write it I don’t like it and I’m sure I probably time they would be smart to say you got to be 18 I mean you know the kids they got these things they called skateboards I mean if you’re really that’s the thing that bumming you out is like the potential for injury you know of
kids are really they’re up to no good like they’ve got all kinds of shit with wheels on it a little girl the other day she had two tiny skateboards on her feet
she’s just licking a lollipop lalalalalala rolling around I’m late I pulled over I’m like you piece of fucking shit I’d like to cut your fucking feed off and take to the city dump
our next gas exit
these guys I just I just laid eyes on him for the first time backstage they’re so handsome for podcasters
they’re really intimidatingly good looking
let’s bring them out okay please welcome Sean and Hayes from the Hollywood handbook
screenshot Note 8
you guys agree that your head out where is okay
very kind so nice thank you Dan for podcasters is a good long vacation I mean
but otherwise out of your eye or anything you guys are you guys home actors are podcasting now though Dan Anna Faris has a podcast we got to get away from this idea that it’s just for the Misfits anymore you there the guys are moving in I got to stop it is it is turned into just mainstream yeah I’m not welcome. If I may actually I could kind of tie two things together here because you were talking about he’s being handsome and you’re Talk About Scooters a lot and he actually has been known around town lately as the scooty cutie and I do not wear a helmet I need you on the helmet all over the place I scooted here I am talking about it at Backstage and I started becoming known as his hoodie cutie who has called you this go to Cuba
there goes a Doppler for real are you making the actual but you’ve chosen you’ve chosen to hear it’s good at QT that it has been one interpretation of it yeah and he also has a name which is the Lime-A-Rita yeah I only use the lime scooters and if I’m guilty of anything it’s being a little too sweet to the touch functionality a little more Triple Sec is riding on the sidewalk would you have to do in a lot of parts of this is just way too dangerous to be in the street and I was coming up on the rest
approaching me were an older couple pushing a shopping cart full of cans and I start moving to the street but it is way too late they are like fully taking their shopping car and like moving it out of the way so that I can pass on my scooter and I felt like I never taking this again this is like not say I’m taking up too much sidewalk space but then I had an epiphany which is it me and these guys should team up against the cars and we should take over the street
those are the real enemies are the cars you’re supposed to be on the street you’re not supposed to use those on the switches with a citizen’s arrest forwarded
they’re also not supposed to have a shopping cart like a show where is a we ended up arresting each other we’re finally it is so hard for me to punch up these days without getting called out for it there cuz I was I was telling you guys backstage like I feel like the next door app I was looking through my next door app steak and I was like I think you can humiliate these people without punching down because they are they’re loud and proud about they want people to know like if they want it if he could they would make the world know that someone pooped without cleaning it up on side their apartment or whatever and it’s like I don’t think people be like oh you’re you’re you’re punching down by like reading their posts out loud yeah their property owners you can do this next door people
let’s see how how does your phone work sometimes in my neighborhood is a squatter okay I won’t say which one
there’s one that’s adorable I’ve known them forever I can only remember one of their names at one time I can never join is it right now
Randy Randy yeah that’s my new Squad names like you can’t tell them apart so that what any one of them Eugene lyke-wake boot that the kitchen know where you would never approached them and be like Randy Jason my 19 year old son needs a summer job as kind of cute like I said it out early on it as well as you may
this is sort of like this one is forced into this region has the security camera footage that they’ve posted here in next dark and it says neighbor leaving dog poop behind followed by a hair flip hello neighbors had to post this video of someone in the neighborhood who watches her Pitbull take a massive poop then doesn’t even attempt to pick it up just a hair flip and then appears to reward her dog is true only to leave me to clean up her dog’s mess if anyone knows it was a but here’s the thing about it is that you’re posting surveillance footage on a from a public sidewalk and I I’m not saying that that should be illegal on the hierarchy of Shame like like like if I was doing this maybe it’s a generational thing but I would be like by the way I have a fucking camera on the sidewalk like someone punched me once
I could I feel like like surveilling people like you don’t have to explain it because we put this person on that you know I could be the next logical step would be the total to be like hey I put a camera in my bathroom during a party I was throwing to be like but you shouldn’t have the bathroom
Vlad the Impaler I live in this big house overlooking all these numbskulls like I don’t even have a dog with me I just I just like terrified of unleashing or pooping or lately because people will be like you know who’s at it again like I’m going to I’m already a pinata but like this is the Thunderdome this fucking app okay here’s a here’s a here’s a here’s a weird one
okay dog bark collar is the headline bark collar would any of you lovely los feliz neighbors happen to have a very small bark collar I could borrow for my eight pound Havanese puppy will work as I’ve heard some dogs don’t care and just keep barking so would like to borrow one first to see how he reacts to it I’d really love to not have my apartment neighbors kill me due to his barking I mean how is this all happening to you for that
specific on the breed of Diane and what they mean is there a sociopath like they’re just showing the early that they’re nineteen and they’re just they haven’t hurt anyone yet but their likes is all one poster yeah that’s why I just can’t I couldn’t even fathom that what’s crazy is the fucking reception dollar and the hair flip and the oh no no no no this cross your doorstep like this is an app called Next Door okay so your neighbors are posting things so you can see what’s going on in the hood and this comes across okay crazy because I don’t like this person I’m like you you’re. You’re like that very small and caps it’s like like don’t get me the wrong size collar for my dog I need to stop barking
so that my neighbors don’t hate me my neighbors who are you I’ve got a lot of stuff happening to me and I would appreciate it if it cost as little as possible on a neighbor knocked on the door to be like at your dog won’t stop barking it’s like well I put it on next door
but it is like the crazy thing is the wait where are the so who you mad at me
where is the again Aaron is what do you so get ready for you know you’re like okay that’s Godzilla will Here Comes these responses are going to be people that live in the neighborhood that are on your on your team Robert responds to a first responder first responder and says your dogs barking is caused by emotional / environmental issues
cannot be silenced with collars that shock
fucking Roberts now then I did I did forget to read as did Robert that there’s a little PS on Jenna’s original poster says please note no I am not going to shock my dog I am interested only in the beeping or vibration mode she probably added that after this is Robert did you read my post and its entirety because I specifically noted that I am not going to use a shock collar and then he responded your little Pooch needs to be socialized with other dogs and people look for a doggy and me class someplace like the Petco in Glendale and Jenna says he has been and continues to be socialized with both people and dogs quite frequently actually I’m not sure what that has to do with him barking when he is home alone as they don’t cover late but thank you for sharing your opinion and suggestion and I’m like okay I am Jenna please tell me the
I need at least they ended up killing each other I am kind of curious situation going on Robert is not going to like this you can go online pick up but is she saying take a chill pill bill before you end up in the hospital when I am going to bout I give them one 1/2 hour before leaving I also have pet Zoom it’s so WIC pet trainer hope this helps out I mean
and then Angie response to that going I don’t have a collar but if open to it you can try small doses of a natural anti-anxiety for pets it’s called Rescue Remedy and it works wonders for stressed out. We use it on the 4th of July every year note I’m not a vet please check with your vet first
He-Man G right now J Mangia sounds like the most level-headed
dog Pharmaceuticals I like Jen is like like yes totally open to it I’m familiar with it but have not used it sinking about buying it I used CBD oil in the beginning stop in Seattle
he’s he’s gone be actually ejected me class at the Petco in Glendale at least the specific prescription
okay one more one more and then we’re done this one is really need advice hello
tell me the punctuation marks turn up turn over pillow
hello I need advice on what to do
marrying it down
I believe that a neighbor is starving their dog I offered to find her a home because they’ve told me that they don’t want her but when I did they wanted a $750 rehoming fee to find her a good and loving home when I said no and any would be better their response was vulgar
I can p.m. a video of the dog
like a ransom right I tried to pick up my so confused by this but I think I figured it out their evil like they probably are starving dog and but there is like and she’s a little crazy or is that a maybe that’s an unfashionable were these days but he was on next door and she’s observing is a mystery to dog and I’m happy. She’s going over to the to the door and she’s like hi your dog seems miserable habit and the person’s response was like yeah but you’re not wrong
and it’s a two-way street I don’t even like the fucking thing I’m thinking give me a give me a fucking G give me a thousand bucks what I just want to find your dog kind and loving hump it’s a rehoming fee
rehoming fee I’ve never heard of that I’m not going to give you $750 but then you can go suck a dick
well I’m going to suck a dick all the way to my phone your dog I mean it’s I I like those I mean there’s no way that she’s the bad guy right because it’s like she’s clearly like who who would have that in her at I mean there are we done with this in our neighborhood on our next door app which is there is a dog who is kept in like a shed and doesn’t appear to have like a light or water or friend like paws at the outside and every neighborhood has people that don’t like their culture is like that’s correct. I think that’s right there just like wow that’s a guard dog which means like we don’t feed it cuz we want to keep it mean basically there’s not a lot to do you could we post on Nextdoor but I think they’re going to see what your friend is what
how many people said call Animal Control, you’re basically not much that you could do so yeah yeah that’s my next door app segment thanks for joining me on it you must have had to avoid all the posts of people saying like do you know guy looked at my house and casing is there a is there any number that’s more urgent than 911 if you’re I mean if the guy with the wallet chain that yelled at the scooter if he was around he would have been chasing my house on next door at walking around the neighborhood doing anything other than hauling in guitar tune groceries with a bag at sticking out the top so you know it is Caucasian supplies labeled on the bag
here’s some pictures of pink and blue paint for the nursery and some baguettes I’m the First Act of a Stephen King novel
everyone else is Kasen Kasen Kasen Kasen is the top post on mine today is Shady character. They should do something like more tasteful like spooky or smokey
pick up my laugh on that
Friday at 8 for a second but what reward for solidarity I think we’re okay Hollywood is impressive it’s Earwolf so you know you guys just did you guys just horrid all of the guests about our show you for everyone who clapped who said that we’re aware of us it’s very funny thank you everyone who didn’t you can’t clap like
we can hear you right back there I’m home now free
what what is the format of the Hollywood handbook wow what do you say when people ask you what the format a bit of a happy with a flag in the vodka and Hayes I think is characterized the show well that is mostly funny comments
but the walk me through it I’m new to the game so I can you start a show and what we sow the opening theme song with this will be good for anyone who wants to try to listen to receive an example of Tim Heidecker was on the show recently thank you for listening to two episodes he came on and told us that he did not get through the first and see how there are a couple barriers-to-entry we’ve been told that the show takes 15 to 20 episodes to get into think I said that I wish I was never good at cuz I thought that was so funny cuz I’d like to transfer into this world you said you listen to The Heavy Rain Campbell when I think that one is pretty good
oh that’s really funny and charming and end in Spencer’s a big fan and was on there oh yeah yeah it was just there just having a conversation a bad could do worse come to worst yeah we’re in character as to Petty idiots with a degree of Peter Cook and Dudley Moore elite duck life and Derek or Derek and Clive inspiration yeah they made these records were they just they just had studio time and they would just improvise and they made these records were it’s just Dudley Moore and Peter Cook just doing for me the funniest improv all-time Victoria it’s just two assholes talking as to fake characters named Ark in class it’s really funny
say are you doing characters you know like I don’t know if you’re like sore Outfield will be in trouble for a couple times me of Jiminy Glick like Martin Short doing Jimmy yeah but you guys need to put it in a Hollywood insiders and you have guest sign and then your characters are clearly they don’t know what is one of my favorite type of hero so it would she came on in character or she doing just being herself at so she took the strong choice to hate us for the entire episode we were asking her to do voice over for a video game that we were married I feeding her lines and describing what’s happening in the game
Reynolds Sandra Bullock film the proposed at the crash
but this is how you got any you guys are really smart because like it occurred to me then because I was like why did they just have that up there so yeah I mean that’s fine it have that in your iCloud is my ex-wife would call it like I have like five things I’m I’m pulling out that week but but then I’m like oh no it’s because it is you ask her about video games popular cheese in fortnite and you guys are like two weeks notice yeah and you start you received the proposal I have I have not seen it but if I got on the building there that’s all I know of the plot synopsis which was helpful for the episode where is that guest based or sometimes just you two we do two episodes a week one is an hour-long episode with a gas and one is a half hour episode that’s just the two of us
exploring some kind of bed and got to do something at 1 for some reason cost money to pay for the subscription site so not everybody cuz that’s the cuz he received Jiminy Glick Jeff Flake like Mark charge anything like it’s like it’s like oh if Tom Hanks does Jimmy quick is he is he playing a character is but it’s like the answer is why he doesn’t do is say get that prosthetic Chin off of your face Martin Short there’s a real person to ask to Ben Stiller Ben are you are you difficult I think I think Marcos wrote like I think we went I think we asked after my tid of March are being on here
fans or yeah I thought it was so funny I think we compared our show to initially like when we get gas Mia gets kind of like this was like we did some time say Jiminy Glick and also like Colbert Report and I seen video after we start doing the show of Colbert meeting someone like meeting Obama’s I’m going to being like to see you know here’s the thing when we get on I’m a total idiot on the show and I’ll be saying stupid shit and um like I was like oh it’s cool this is what we have to do that we’re like Hey we’re going to add we’re going to completely misunderstand everything you’re saying and like not really know your career and like misquote things that you are guests are always people that are hip to that like I sent you
lyrics
with Pauly Shore came he was in kind of fuses thank you so much I could have been the lowest moment of my life he was in kind of a hurry and as we start to be like hey just so you know he’s like come on let’s just do it let’s just go if I hate that and I just walked out then what happens but you know how are you going any immediate Lee started giving us the wrap it up and Signal like 5 minutes in 5 minutes yes
he has a terrible person he called Sean he called John a homo I’m coming home
I’m sorry I’m not like brave enough to be like I we don’t say that anymore but I know you’re excited. You’re like okay I just took it on in the next episode where he’s at. Been at the studio for a week he’s going to glaze them
that’s one of his fucking jokes he’s the worst, Donuts also a metaphor for something else and that’s kind of his promise like like like if there’s a girl in the room again okay I guess, give me the able to do that yeah I mean there’s a movie called Revenge of the Nerds where the Nerds are today’s definition of rapist
oh yeah everything was kind of a inverted back then if you if you if you if you if you if you smoked enough weed and dancing you could you could just write up a translator and rape some advocate for all manner of assault as long as it whatever kept your ski mountain in business all you had to do declare yourself a misfit even though right now these days were like Misfits you guys look like the
do you think I need a little more diversity in my Misfits Misfits of science 1980 S series from the Golden Age of probably NBC I’m assuming at probably six episodes and out they had it was like I like this guy who is Courtney Cox was was in it she was like the carry psychic girl like she has psychic powers and then there was this I thought of that when I thought we need diversity with our Misfits cuz one of their Misfits was the basketball player who could shrink it was funny cuz he’s huge and then he would shrink and then he would have like a little like napkin around him cuz his clothes don’t shrink and then there was this dude it was like very Kevin Bacon me but he wasn’t there yet clearly clearly they were like can we get Kevin Bacon the answer’s no and then they got this guy is like fuck you. He was like his name was Johnny lightning
because you could shoot lightning out of his having that guy is probably pretty happy to be here in Misfits of science Lake and ride like everything is like the song We Are Weird Science on the movie Weird Science it was sort of like we had that odd time in our cultural history with the computer was new ride everything scientific was cool or I was also nerdy so it’s just a lot of TV shows and movies about like wow man science She Blinded Me With Science Camp Scott Baio
is this going to be a great sculpture
and they did missions or whether they are fighting guys The Misfits yeah I know I wish I could remember like what how they justify that they had to go do stuff right but it was kind of like a very much X-Men sort of like hey come on you guys are different like you can have a purpose though I hang out with me you was like that it was like it was like the coach from White Shadow I was like this guy was like back then you could be a leading man it just look like me there was just like there were so few men in the world except the population was like 1/8 that’s that’s that’s that if you’re ever wondering when you look back to reread you like why Elliot Gould like that’s the real answer is like like like there was just no cloning yet the guy I look at is that William Peterson who is great great movies he’s in my Manhunter and deliver and Die in LA and has the tightest curls just like the set of really tight curls that he is heme animal
I know he was not mammal he’s the guy who see it as I later okay like you was in the first CSI I heard Manimal he was not the man Hunter he’s the guy hunting the man on the the the Michael Mann movie Tom Noonan in the Ray Fiennes roll from the 80s Hannibal Lecter incredible I’ll do it for you it’s better than the Ed Norton one I feel like it’s more better job of like driving home that idea of
like that the protagonist he can he can catch these guys cuz he’s he gets inside of my wrappers and he’s he’s like living that guy’s whole day going like I know exactly how you did the crime it’s pretty good down the the the boat that’s an expression don’t look it up date but Noonan’s a superstar in this movie as the Tooth Fairy okay we got Ray Fiennes like this movies about this guy I know it’s not really the hero really isn’t the cop who gets in your head and the third act both movies it’s like the resolution is hey I know enough about you to shame you about your pissing your pants up that’s how I get you to relax enough to kill you
yeah actually I kind of more apt to Manhunter if I’m not mistaken has like a weird scene where Tom Noonan like hugs a tiger that’s been seated as well in both movies like The Love theme of the movie plays Incredible music the Tigers testicles is the blind woman that he brings a blind woman to feel a tiger that’s been sedated you ever seen a big animal I’m like at some point in his life they get sedated and then the people in the zoo go in like smuggled interesting that he has the empathy to understand that as a blind woman she might be into that yeah the times that people as a blank
I got these nuts make you love her. Way to go together but he’s got a bad tooth but yeah just like I did like do I have any agency timer take while she’s coming with us until 11 which movie is it in in in in Manhunter do they do the I think it’s red dragon where they really are more faithful to the book where they show a close-up of her hand kind of cup the the fur fur clad nut sack of this tiger and then they cut to Ray Fiennes going to invite seriousness at caressing
I want that blind a hand on my scrotum
it’s enough to make you not want to eat people
it’s enough to make you not want to get a tattoo of a painting across your entire back and super glue Philip Seymour Hoffman to a wheelchair that’s right it’s a good movie The Hulk movies are good speaking out also of when you were talking about unlikely leading man I did watch a movie from the seventies not that long ago and Robert Duvall is the lead and he always looked like he look like a it’s like a real he’s always been 55 years old black-and-white movies with Robert Duvall just like picking up his daughter from college in the outfit and it’s like it’s like
just like the baddest dude alpha male like bit like mr. cool but he’s always like a New Yorker it even like in True Grit John Wayne at the end of Charley varrick turn my back at 11 or like Charlie and Walter Matthau the fox out model for no reason
an airplane out of the car is chasing an airplane like taxing around the end of the airport it’s fucking good but what why is why is Walter Matthau getting laid and he’s not he’s not text it was like it was always like and it’s a it’s a wonder why you don’t you just tell me if you like like like oh that’s why we respected our dad so much I think there’s that guy that looks like my dad and he’s crushing all the puss like everyone was your Halloween 3 season of the witch that guy can Trevor that guy’s name of that my friend visit and I were just talking about this. Like we’re just laughing about it was like when your dad was the star of every movie like Halloween 3 is not Mike Mike Michael Myers like like related it’s like this crazy movie about these like science masks that have science in them and
summon a Celtic spell that makes snakes come out of kids mouth and butt and there’s just this guy is just like kind of guy or you look at him and you can smell their socks like if you know what I mean when I say it’s like you guys are like no my dad is like your dad’s name is Taylor sounded like he’s quite like my generation dad was just Stacy Keach I was just like showered every 6 days I had a broom mustache and just drank and sweat and and and if you if you’re if you’re in a movie then the law says you’re fucking the woman in the movie and do like it doesn’t matter if she’s nineteen and you’re 48 states just no questions asked cuz I got an interracial
reason for it and they just had to throw that awful scene in a thumb and that kids go see like Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans and then just go home and look at their awful. You can’t have those bodies you have to how do you get those bodies like they don’t even wait we stopped counting six packs like though that was like Lego I get it you have to have a six pack in there like fuck you we’re not going to count packs anymore that it’s not from now on your torso has to look like group even without CG it just has to be made out of fucking Driftwood by a horny guy about the normal guys they took Chris Pratt and like Zach Levi who were just like slobs would have to play a normal guys and made them do you get show all right what’s up Chris Chris Pratt’s that’s like Guardians body is like everyone was like that CG was that you’re asking me if it was
you can’t do right place I got bad news hombre Cristal dog sitter I’m walking into a restaurant as he was walking out I never believed in for a check yeah I was like I was like that’s a silly amount of Shame for us to be projecting I mean I I remember I saw Chris Pratt In the Flesh at the at the upfront during Parks and Rec in community times and I was like it’s amazing that it one time I did look at him as someone that you know maybe would play me in the biopic
because he look like he was shaped like a bowling pin and of course Donal Logue he’s a he just be so yeah he’s playing me right now on the set of my fiance’s show but I honestly
people like Russell Crowe but I’m like like whatever man like lately you just trying to like
is it taking it in just a second to just process it a single tears rolling down his cheek got cast like the conversations I had to listen to I was like but maybe Jeff Goldblum is 90
and then finally they got they got Donal Logue and then who apparently is name is not Donnell its Donal and also apparently Cody says we have to have them on the show cuz he’s like amazing and really fun but like he it got back to me that when he got approached for the part he he Googled me and then asked is Agent who then asked the producer who asked Cody who repeated this to me because I guess she perceives me as being made of tougher stuff
I guess I’ve successfully tricked her into thinking that I am out of actualized being on top of the perfect and like not constantly opting out I guess she’s like this guy’s got balls of steel put me into his question was like this isn’t about body type is it or something I was like as a yeah I mean hi or he wanted people to know he’s lost weight I don’t know man I just was like it shouldn’t have gotten back to me that’s the only truth there yeah you’re never wanted to hear about that, Googling me saying like you’ll be playing the part of
what the fuck man
that doesn’t happen to like Winston Churchill’s it’s okay do I put on a suit and also I mean if he if he Google’s Dan Harmon body and image searches that he’s probably getting more results than he would anticipate to be fair if you start typing my name bodies the first thing that comes out of its feet yeah and then a slew of stuff that can we try a Hollywood thing that it was a weird thing to have foisted upon us like what does that mean I mean we don’t do anything they’ve been trying to tell you there yeah they don’t do anything when we first started we had much more of a premise to the podcast that which it was kind of a
parody of all the shows about becoming successful in Hollywood like WTF was like the biggest show at the time so we are like doing a parody of those types of interviews that were like at the time 85% of podcasts
he’s not far off it’s not far up can I got to hide that I haven’t listened to that episode who were your guys who were my guy he asked everyone
but we we sort of ran out of stuff to do with that it stopped being interested in it and podcast became more broad to so it wasn’t as clear of like a one to one thing and then it the show became like more abstract I guess and also we started taking on much smaller targets like other shows we were jealous of specifically for being more popular like we would invite someone on then we would do their podcast to them and tell them you were doing it better like we have followed topic. We were like how about we spot a d Edition you had bad we just like made him sit through our version of his podcast follow him ye
take me through the moment when we realize that we’re like oh it’s fucking rough cuz I was going to like for the 90th time in my Paula Tompkins please like me career I was about to comment on one of his Instagram. Just a totally safe fucking like here’s a bowl of fruit for the Hawaiian Easter Island fucking God that I perceive you as just like like just reminding you I exist and I’m in your corner and then it was like yeah you see that message that’s like there’s some guidelines here it is put up some fucking boundaries you know I like know about like basically the same thing you have to follow me in order to comment but waiting on that doesn’t make sometimes I think you disable comments it’s something like what whatever it is he froze me out and I don’t care anymore cuz I need to talk to you about him
I do you like the one of my phone right before I got here I need to find my self-esteem and that’s nobody’s problem but mine it’s it’s 8:00 you know it’s like he’s probably smelling the desperation on me and like maybe he and Marc Maron have a bit of a frosty past he hurt his ego lawn pastas right now can we get word to Paula Tompkins that I’m positive Marc Maron hates me now as well just because like how would you not blow
because I think like we had what you have on board in your phone what’s up do you have Paul’s number in your phone yeah but that’s not this is embarrassing because this is a for real thing that I’m pretending as a joke and it’s for real and you’re embarrassing me can I tell you I’m sure I’m sure he didn’t but but I think that Paul F Tompkins sub tweeted me cuz I think he followed me on Twitter and he was like there’s a nice but wow and have any chance someone you can see their their icon appear more often on your reactions inventions and stuff and he was like there’s some people that follow me that never interact with any of my posts and only like post responding to me and I’m like I’ve done that like more than two hundred times and so I was certain because like sometimes you just get into it with people and the people have really funny things to say and they go on these long threats and I’m like like that like that like that but like he kicks it off but it’s not like he
not making those jokes he’s just making his jokes and so I don’t know but but I definitely I’m pretty sure that was just straight-up me he was talking to it. Actually he of course was just an example of a person we’ve done a podcast with I did read the entire hold us to like antagonize you on the show I mean no he wouldn’t have to care that would be flattering
that would be amazing. He was like why don’t you reach out to him and bring him on the show because the whole point there’s nothing I can do I’ve done that he doesn’t eat it is part of what he doesn’t like about me if I may be so assumptive if that’s a word is that is this right now he doesn’t want anywhere near this kind of relationship with I know I know how he feels like this guy that I’m doing right now it’s like wow what is that person saying other than like a million red flags about like like come be part of my shinpaugh my fucking sticky negative energy so I can like that’s how I know I like myself like no grow up and be cool like Scott Aukerman
and all of my Earwolf friends
and then maybe one day I’ll come around when you’re so fucking cool you know that I did like the need of any more then I’ll be like hey and I’ll look and you’ll throw me your jersey like
like me me to agree on a Coca-Cola ad that kid wanted the Jersey really bad in that I think it’s victim-blaming now is it that
did the Pepsi Michael Jackson dad ripped off the other Koch Mean Joe Greene thing when they Michael Jackson throws the hat to the kid that he ends of regular lemonade
I’ve got the right response children’s agree with you I think he’s guilty either way but we should talk about it for a while. Positive reaction let’s talk about him yeah come on
he did his fucking the children of Justice the Constitution
fun time to be alive we don’t have to talk about that let’s talk about Hollywood feel bad for Liam Neeson
okay this is great I have two incredibly unpopular opinions I never clicked on any I don’t know like but I just hearing the story what happened I feel but feel bad for okay I thought you were talking about something else go on that one was easy I’m on records point that happened recently. For any at all milk years ago
that’s like one of his movies The Morning Show or something I didn’t click on it and see what the thing was so I have to admit that with that I didn’t click on it so I only saw the headlines but I was like I was like wait this doesn’t make sense in the flow chart of how it should work that he was he was doing like a kind of what I’m going to call it a Dan Harmon kind of thing where he was like I’m so excited about how fucking improved I am and how much I want people to like me I’m going to tell you that I was racist 40 years ago unless you think I’m just throwing that term out no for real like I wanted to murder any black person at all like I was listed right now I kind of like just told the story about how is it 40 years ago and then it was like well then then thanks for telling us that cuz now we can hate you as opposed to like the rules that used to be where it was
well thanks for telling us that cuz we wouldn’t have known otherwise therefore we need to encourage that kind of transparency so can I ask you something it’s very unpopular opinion
and yet you still haven’t clicked on it or like you have had time to think about it but I’ve been compiling a list of unpopular opinions Brothers movie is overrated like I just I got to agree with you there Thursday and stuff is this as this funny I don’t so much not crack up when you hear the iconic line we’re on a mission from God
how can I listen to the laugh that guy. This place is fucking burning down Aretha Franklin comes out and says you better think these guys okay but can we wait in a few other white guys doing it
for me you you got fucking Ray Charles you got treated like I said that’s pretty groovy I think that it probably was a movie that when everyone saw it was like wow this must have been so fun to be a part of it and it felt like it was a cool on set or something and then it gets remembered as what a great movie but if you just sit down and watch the movie for what the movie is so funny thank you less explicable is sketch on SNL
hands like I feel like I feel insulted with by people’s responses cuz there was prices are always to explain to me as if I don’t understand that there is possible that there was a time when people felt this way or that way I’m like that’s not
comedy you’re not telling me why I read it like I read the oral history of Saturday Night Live I do understand and I think it’s really cool there at the headline that John Belushi who looks nothing like any fucking leading man I mean this is like like before there even was a fat dude Market I mean there wasn’t even that and he looks like John Belushi and lick this this variety show at midnight on Saturday produced by this crazy hippie this and I always liked Second City people and it’s a fucking like awesome and Dan Aykroyd got the ass burgers and they don’t have a word for it yet and I bet she and Belushi like they had this intersection where they’re like they both love old blues music and like for real loved it and like didn’t punch down on it we’re like super into it and that America was like yeah, she is so possible to also be kind of sexy and fun and subversive that I choose to love this that’s part of the joke answer that I get all that I like the movie now
now let me propose an alternative movie Airplane by the Zucker Brothers jokes in that movie and then just kind of a part of me that resents Liam Neeson loves that movie
I have to tell you there’s a guy I used to love the Blues Brothers I loved it so much I saw the movie but I just wanted to beat a minority to death
just putting that out there I hope I hope honesty is still the best policy
Dan Harmon told me it was well I got news for you old-timer you’re going to the hoosegow do I have a particular set of skills hey did you guys I haven’t seen anything worth watching watch it with Cody I’m like at your money doesn’t go to racism it’s it’s it’s an interesting yeah it’s a it’s a weird Glenn Harmon Raves it’s worth watching Brothers I was at the fucking drawing-room on the karaoke last Sunday in a dude
I saw him sitting in the booth and he had a harmonica that he brought any was warming up on the harmonica in a restaurant in the bar at the bar with karaoke night and yes he was fucking warming up to fucking lay down a little bucket heart was that one of those ones that was he wearing it with like the metal part I didn’t have the it such a slow down right mutinous nobody nobody wanted anyone to fucking bring their own harmonica too busy for the Scooters or I’m like oh you’re just overreacting but it’s like they were there they know
Rihanna like I trust them who the crowd karaoke when you’re up there
people would be like fucking warming up in the fucking Booth all your karaoke to hear another person’s shity version of a song that was done well before who cares they’re fucking singing it wrong or whatever Monica Ron wants to hear somebody say yes okay
Emoji isn’t that your favorite harmonica player and why you hesitate
and that’s why we’re a team that my man never left me for something that I like the song about hook I think it’s fun run around the hook Neil Young plays with me and harmonica karaoke Walton he’s playing it up there cuz it’s exactly maybe this guy that still play music a prison reacts they’ve built a shame it’s midnight and then like the new guy and it ended like the oldest guy don’t Richard Pryor Jr
Play Down in the Valley and it’s beautiful
I have a harmonica story
don’t try to play you off to see maybe this will get grounds I don’t know but I went to see Dave Chappelle and John Mayer perform together we’re like job airplane like 3 job are songs that Dave Chappelle did like 40 minutes to stand up and then they just like hung out on stage together I think we love it when do the podcast so I guess we played doubles actually the same same side or our rival rival okay score line was at the end we fucking tune to mount man
John Mayer’s weakness and doubles tennis and ability to play well he seemed like he was just learning the game with Dave Chappelle at a certain point they said they gave set timer to bring out our friend Fred Meyer Fred used to be in Prince’s band and he used to tour with him and he’s going to play harmonica for us and John Mayer played Purple Rain on the guitar and Fred did the vocal with the harmonica oh my God awesome cuz it’s like they’re you know there’s these notes up there that would you know very few people can sing but when he was like just hitting it till all the vocals for Purple Rain he did he keep with the harmonica like played the what the vocal Melody would be but like holding the sustained no to like Griffin and Ben and then I have an awesome
I’m assuming Fred’s the guy that goes we’ll laugh is due to a party and part is what was meant to the boys I think so yeah it was it was really good and I was like it can be pretty cool interesting I guess I understand like pianos are buttons that you press so that’s like a lot like a typewriter so I get that I can’t happening with the harmonica yeah you can like make my brain stretch and go like okay you block certain strings from going all the way and that it’s like it just seems like you’re asking for trouble and I guess you’re doing the same thing with a fit but like your instead of plucking your Strokin and
Bueno Becca understand the flu but not the harmonica you blow into the flute and then you type
call me hello in and out and you got you got the White and The Black Keys how do you play the piano
wow you share Man how he did not want to lighten up my grandpa World War II veteran Grandpa who he had like a harmonica that he would play once in a while I think he learned to play it in the in the Marines when he was just hanging out in this stuff you see The Thin Red Line my grandpa was there but John Cusack wasn’t in real life it was just like 17 year old dudes like hanging out smoking and he had a harmonica from back then and he could play it it was like somehow he learned during his days in the war to play it and I remember him explaining that you use your tongue
to block some of the whole block crazy because I I can play Oh Susanna it if you if you get a harmonica you can alert you can send when I was his age I 20 no one’s got a harmonica Hollywood baby somebody’s got a harmonica blues Man to last
you kind of went like a little Kris Kristofferson a bad time this flashlight shines ultraviolet rays will this bullets tip with sodium nitrate garlic
it’s garlic this year’s a bullet these bullets are chased with chemicals sodium his dream car listen to garlic come on come on come on over here going to show you some shit and I catch you at a bad time this flashlight is 250 watts of salad UV radiation sunlight pain with sodium pentothal traces of lysergic the fiber garlic actual particulars are Georgia
Sonic frequency I would
clear Sonic 3
God damn it I can’t believe how cool you made killing vampires that’s a great movie no one’s you won’t catch me saying blade’s not good what is great that’s fun
David S goyer would make a great guest book Kim David Esquire screenwriter do you want to beat you sure you want to bring okay I’ll work on that too I’m just waiting for you to want to beat I think Steve said we booked Jerry Springer Jerry Springer like there’s no such great Kismet I mean I was in it I was at the drawing room in it like if you’re there before noon which I’m sure it wasn’t
Jerry Springer I’ll be on the TV and like I was like I don’t even know this guy has he has he has he stopped making these episodes what’s he doing and I was familiar enough that his story is kind of winding an interesting it to the point where I’m like I don’t want him to die doing the Jerry Springer Show and I was wondering like how long you been doing a survey for my grocery fucking gastro burps
the and it just quit Wikipedia Tim and it’s like he just stopped he just finished up like doing the Jerry Springer Show and he’s like getting ready to do his Joe the Pirates podcast and I was like I texted Levy and was like can we get Jerry Springer as a guest cuz if you read his Wikipedia page every single every third sentence to be like how come this isn’t his family escaped the Holocaust he was born during the blitz his mother gave birth to him during the bombings in the to like it’s like basically like all of his family tree you like kind of like this is probably an exaggeration you brother probably said it’s like you get the impression that
every single one of what would have been like an expansive family tree instead became a funnel into one twig which is Jerry Springer because of the Holocaust because of it look like everyone got wiped out except for this little female typewriter is Loosely on Jerry Springer I guess because because they couldn’t say chicks with dicks
that’s good stuff, so get Bad episode 5500 where it was clearly just all I ever see it with the volume down I’ll just look up and see like why is everyone dressed like Snoopy or just look up into something ridiculous like commedia dell’arte like play going on with like wigs flying around in my nephew is a talent if you look up his biography he’s quite intellectual he’s is it very like like what I thought I wonder if I cringe when I would watch Jerry Springer when I was in my twenties and I would like get high with my vegan hippie girlfriend and it was like ironic enough to watch anything on TV it we’re like eating vegan sandwiches it would just like what’s on Jerry Springer it’s 3 in the afternoon I’m 20 like fucking you know I’m hate watching it but whatever
what I remember from that show back then was like the Springer final thoughts which were inconceivably well-written I don’t know who is writing those things probably have the lake lake lake weirdest thing you remember Springer well goes in a wedding dress like punching a mouse with the volume down and I like does he still at the end of that episode go transformation is you need to respect people that are just an idiot I tell you what your cycle is final before learning clarinet stop trying to fill time on that show after 25 years so I’m guessing that he still does today look like
where you can trust that that the act of a third man was away from the prying eyes of already corrupt systems
your ear infections hideout
I never read Oliver Twist
I think that we’re led to believe that we’re in some sort of underground like like Fight Club kind of thing where they could for sure yeah it might need to be dried off quickly in a pinch right man kind of pointed at the floor he might threaten the entire audience before the cameras roll it like I have in my hand a button and that works and will suck all organic material from the German Holocaust of Jews and he made it to Chicago and became like a almost a senator right like you either ran for governor or mayor and shit like it like that Governor yeah he was like a PD page so heat before the mayor of Cincinnati thing he he got interested in politics and then there was this he got arrested with the is there was a pro
sex worker Scandal about that that kind of Margie paid for sex work with a real check it wasn’t he didn’t pay for it with the taxpayers money he didn’t pay for it with campaign fund it was I don’t know if he was married maybe that was his crime was using faithful but but like you know it was it was a scandal as for the times and but the interesting thing is that he was he was not on like like he there was a thing subsequent to that where he wanted to run for another thing and and it was like an end his campaign was using that check and it would like his slogan was like something like you can count on me like I got nothing to hide or lie sorry like I said I’ll tell the truth even if it hurts
the key. Like I just want to be happy I don’t want him to like you like Robert Altman like die on a set I want him to die on a like Joseph Campbell on a porch somewhere he’s done enough just on the porch yeah but yes you should
was it was it his porch or somebody else’s part I don’t know what Diane another person’s porch that’s that’s a money does that new rules
on your own porch but yeah but like somebody else has pork in it for the thrill but like you’re going to get to be my age from now if you see a dead Jeff Davis on your personal fucking guy died on my porch son-of-a-bitch want to look at it it just kind of falling out of your car in front of his house and like you’ve tried to get over there but other than your own who’s porch would you like to be dead I know my man here is fake and he’s got a great porch and you really do owe ya will I be pretty offended of his didn’t say my porch
Best Buy on the porch of the orange buffoon the top drawer of the Capitol steps that’s right I’m the March and ready to begin the capitol steps did I sent you a message I think I know I hate the comedy satire group and I use all of his words and fucking quotations the capitol steps might be the worst their professional jealousy are playing in Pasadena we kind of have to go there right now
like that question was viable right back in the dangling Chad days I was like this is all too funny now in parodies itself now what do they do with also done nothing and you don’t want to be one that looks like what are they what are there parody songs about I mean lots of stuff rhymes with Bill Barr yeah probably personalities yeah it always boils down to that anyway but yeah there’s a lot of funny stuff you can do with ice like bringing me ice I say happy birthday they’re probably they’re probably trying to figure out how to get babies in the cages and yeah it’s easy they have standards or they’re like oh it’s too soon or it’s too sensitive that’s my big question is like politics are no longer like it’s like you can’t really
you like oh we’re not going to do that because well we’ll be who I got a great rhyme before that but someone will start crying and Ice Ice Baby and they are locked up in there at the border I guarantee that’s a fucking thing I have a lot of friends in the Capitol steps and they have a policy which is the S Bill say something is too soon which means we have to do it nice
that’s that’s the Bruckheimer school that’s that’s when he did Conair what was that that happened yeah, it was too close to a convict
killing everyone we are planning to buy mega strip I do remember there was a real Con Air too soon let’s do it how Dave Chappelle in that movie
I’ve never seen it also said it’s a it’s a hair dryer sound the trailer tonight can I tell you somebody was talking about that movie like they should make a movie about that movie because clearly so many things happened on that set so many things changed about everyone that showed up to that set play it is what it was like a like people come and get the other car is breaking down outside a haunted house or something I guess just like they take everything changed on that set oh yeah I wish I could remember Nick Cage is named I know one of the prisoners gets introduced and they go AKA Diamond dawg AKA Diamond Dolls huge Bowie
John Cusack is driving around on the ground in that movie yet is he knows that John Cusack supcop he’s a good guy and Librarians get cold in with the convict with article and he’s just trying to get home to his daughter and he wants to bring her this stuff Bunny and if that other convict doesn’t put the bunny down as he famously said the movie he’s going to kill him and he does so Nick Cage doesn’t want Conair to be hijacked right cuz he’s a good guy weapons I think it’s really kill someone and it’s Mallory I’m sorry I keep asking the same question but you like he definitely does not want
I know he’s a good guy like he needed to go home by Jack daughter he’s going home his reaction is basically oh brother
movies like oh Conair it true that transports criminals and some of them are like proof I did it and then they look around in there like these guys were I want to be playing like a brother to the activate the smoke detectors
yes call my goodness imagine me being in the position of a goody-goody after I after all this time yeah I get it now that’s a great movie I’m going to pick up what what’s the what’s the the crisis what’s the meeting with a guy that’s like for the cage thank you for asking well I’m okay let’s go that’s why I said okay it’s a movie about convicts getting on an airplane hence the title Conair Misfit somebody on the plane I would have assumed the kids but now I’m here okay so there’s someone else on the plane is like a bad guy who’s like got a plan is a job out there is the modern equivalent of your watch I just got to know what the cages name is in this music is it John Malkovich who is the bad guy he’s one of them and I don’t I don’t think he’s the guy who actually kicks it up but he might have been
I wouldn’t act like I know this is going to be the case but if it’s impressive breckheimer movie so I want John Cusack to not be a cop I want Jack to Zachary something one off a cop like he’s a veterinarian or a like a biographer who is like I just need to write like I’m right I need one chapter from Nicolas Cage’s character when he lands and then like somehow he’s roped into like profiling or something but it’s like okay so so they’re getting on the plane so page 25 is going to be the hijacking of the plane so then your question is what happens on page 60 the answer is going to be the convicts are officially in charge of where the plane is going Nick is a two-hander it’s a virus Coronavirus
Iris Ving Rhames is Diamond dog I believe he’s kind of a good guy to another guy by the way is like a turn only 48 like yeah movie where he’s 22 sacks of US Marshal Vince Larkin the movie means that the convicts are now flying the planes where is he on the konvict side or on the side of the law to this point he’s got he’s got to do whatever is going to get him home safe
and if that means letting Cyrus the virus who’s an evil genius believe for a moment that maybe he’s on the side of the convicts will then that’s what he’s going to do but and here’s where I’d ask how is he in contact with the his buddy in this buddy cop movie but I already know cuz the last conversation I had with this friend who is telling me they should make a movie about that movie is the part where Dave Dave Chappelle is a note is attached to his body and he’s thrown out of the airplane his body lands on a car and the note is still legible because of a human body falls from a plane and land hilarious Leon’s probably some douchebags car is that is a big guys like some guys like
I picture is like telling a valet like if I see one fucking scratch on that thing
I’m going to do it
come on
we don’t want to go you don’t get agency
is that pulls up like the US Marshals it’s working
what it’s it’s written in teddy bear hair I am on my rabbits are so then it’s a matter of like zit it’s a mystery where they’re going I bet it’s like a race to figure out where they’re going to try to hang out so the goddess is probably Chappelle hitting the car that’s probably the meeting because it’s the truth that you didn’t know you were seeking do you think you wouldn’t be able to read the note if somebody got thrown at all that’s no I mean like
do you think that if someone was thrown from a plane with a note attached, it’s like in permanent marker on the white shirt he’s wearing very very low or very high body remains completely attacked
do you have a building you explode from a plane your find a lot of people don’t understand that if you hold your breath the right time you don’t need a parachute to skydive in the car the car collapses its but it’s a good guy but theoretically if you jump right before you hit the ground not only don’t need a parachute you have an orgasm
you at you come
and you sneeze
yeah
how’d you learn three languages but you don’t get to pick which one
always Esperanto
your superpowers you can speak our language but you don’t get to pick you just don’t know you are playing you land without harm your probably try to get yourself at the likely like what are you going to do about it
what man what’s the go to the immediate conclusion here that’s get up in a plain throw me out
not over the ocean over way at 80% water why don’t you guys okay your new Hollywood question in the movie it follows don’t you think someone should have said
like a l h try I have a friend who works as a flight attendant let’s have sex with them right see what happens like well I guess everyone is only two degrees separation from a flight attendant here’s what I learned about degrees are always fucking degrees those people are fucking horny go ahead so why do Penance for the most part work like one round trip or like a couple and then the flight attendant goes home if it has like a month layoff one of these people do a part-time so now that the monster that has gotten like what two miles like in the in the time of that like plain round trip how to take off from Denver to JFK like lake lake Fox somebody let it follow you to the airport
get on the plane first of all it’s like it follows you through security I’d love to see that yes
Anna Anna Anna Anna like peace and it’s like it’s following and you’re like
I just walked to the fucking ocean you’re going to Tokyo from most likely to get out of the way and you have to admit. I grab are like hello travel these people are worse than Renaissance Fair employees
the Navy are they are all our worlds disease conduit Google the the phrase patient zero and see how quickly any Airline comes up all right tube too much what you need to do is another like all these measles cases popping up everywhere and every time one happens they show that person’s like whole itinerary for a couple days and the one from the other day they put a LAX Terminal to the employee shuttle to a hotel and then the Barnes & Noble at the Grove the J crew at The Grove
I hate for my itinerary when I got there at Coldplay concert
the news anchors that I guess they spend a lot of time in the air can you just put that I went to a movie theater you want to say like what I saw there was that whole Avengers endgame which I think is it feel like all the Avengers endgame audience may have been exposed to right now they passed by that way back to the airport on the employee shuttle so it was probably a flight attendant if they fuck a lot
so you get measles man pretty drunk in the last half-hour of the show I say stuff that I later regret if you’re a flight attendant in your human I’m already sorry I do want to say
I don’t want I do not human come on to come to the show
play pause monster I do think can walk across the bottom of the ocean do you think it’d work at Airline and Amaya can you fuck my friend yeah
Timeless evocation of the 80s or 90s leg out of course I’ll fuck her all right you guys fuck all right now you’re free Cynthia and you and I can now fuck without any answer I thank you Trevor you know the friendly Skies what were you understand there’s going to be an apparition let’s do it I’m going to Tokyo and I just like watch this thing like walking along the fact it was always in Florida where it’s like you’re just going like Dallas to New York or something every week isn’t a thing going to walk like halfway to MMA fighter work schedule a couple round trip and then be back in Dallas for a month
but often they’re there for 3 Days 3 days weeks and then Ohio motorcycle jacket Texas turn around like Jesus Christ because I walked back Jeff Davis County stockholder and it follows think I like the Tokyo version of you have sex with someone they fly to Tokyo which is where they live and they just enough time there that it follows will follow into the like ocean floor like just don’t have sex
we’ve all got to be having sex all the time read a book like maybe not a weekend but like a hike two days into the Atlantic Ocean
but then that person comes back well then it’s a two-day trip back so all you bought yourself is a nice long week at well that’s a lot of time that you can plan your next trip so you go you go to the opposite Coast again like a little little little okay now the money is starting to pile up here Dad follows me to Catch Me If You Can in an interview following everyone and her like Leo DiCaprio character is like the only guy that gets it to me
I don’t have a dog that’s good that the question could Frank Abagnale have
all right well we can get a job right you guys have a sports podcast write thank you so much thanks it’s called the Hollywood handbook
security apps
we have a patreon podcast now for one more money baby anything about sports but I listened to it and I find it enjoyable from a standpoint of someone who doesn’t know or care about sports why are you following me out of the playoffs right now are you at you got big fans right now
who you rooting for you like we’re both from New England until we like the Celtics and the Clippers too and they lost already so all the teams I like we’ll be out and I guess then I will root for the Warriors to lose thank you for stifling replied cuz I had something coming that was just getting roll
sometimes Jesus is going to dry the bowling lane
what the fuck is that it I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know why but for the next three years pursuing what you just said about competition between all of the city’s teams mean that Sports can’t be about all of them being together right give me a beat
the back you got to be a fun Easter up there
oh yeah that’s exactly what I had in mind
this one’s hard
yeah I think you right now for a coming to Harmony and let’s give it up for a shot in his right
yeah yeah right about now yeah check check mic check to 3121 yo you got the Philadelphia Sportsman’s he got the New York short Foreman’s you got the Chicago Bears you got the Philly Town cheese is in the Wisconsin Care Bears you got the Eagles from the West got the South by Southwest the New York’s the best got the Florida Gators in the Gators in the East got the South by South Conference in the Beast with the talking about Seattle Montreal at the Cleveland end the end the end the end the building’s got the
improvising better oh yeah it’s a list of cities and ran it was funny she got the boy I got the Ohio do you find those are a combination of dog and porcupine Louisiana scepters you got the the blisters in that those are from Texarkana I got. I got. I got. I owe a racist you got the don’t forget those cowboys oh but those cowpokes do we got that old rivalry that goes back to 1902 between Oklahoma and Seattle what you going to do I also can’t improvise names of places in the even in the country I thought that would be the easy part and that then I would like to provide is like a bastard like
now you bet you can’t do that I have like five of them my head Ohio is coming up a lot
grape Vapes you got the you got the the Florida Panhandle so you got the man handles Mexico gropers you can get you got both kinds of Ropers you got it yet you got that that that that that that the District of New York prosecutors eat prosciutto elocutors suited for but those are the NBA teams that I’m rooting for it cuz my name is MC Sports Fan and I fuck your mama with a tin can which I didn’t open so it didn’t cut her it wasn’t open I got the idea of it being open is Strauss ice Kevin gross
it was a close pin and it was actually a beveled like cylinder like a Steve Jobs like capsule of food and actually felt good when I look around this country all I see is people I thought your mom was like yours at something else deposing what is my name and it’s all the things okay alright but Jeff’s on the keys going to fuck your mama like brie cheese oh hell I think I heard us
yeah yeah give me a chord yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah alright good teacher and subscribe to the languishing one
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