Episode 349: Creamweavers


Episode 349: Creamweavers


Dan makes a sweater out of cum, and debates with Jeff the pros of being a stander wiper. Dave Foley joins in with tales from The Kids in the Hall and NewsRadio. Who wants a pocket shaman now? Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis, Spencer Crittenden and Dave Foley.


that was a bigger Ice Cube lantana’s area
you can murder somebody with that
Hermantown is still briefly in session
let’s welcome the game master the master of game is a massive one and all the star of harmonquest mr. Spencer Crittenden everybody
oh yeah
that’s what’s going to happen we don’t we don’t have underwear ads to do together anymore I don’t know we’ll have to sell something else maybe we can become traveling salesman
like vacuum cleaners in Manteca PD is going out like that Death of a Salesman all right I’m Willy Loman
hippity hippity hop yo I like to go into a trap
self destructive
I have a question for you mr. rap why do they call you mr. rat because I like to go into traps
and that rhyme I’m actually not very good at rapping I’m more passionate about traffic myself I’m self-destructive
I love to be tracked
what’s your favorite kind of trap to be trapped in like I look like a snare or a bohemian
I just stepped in a peaceful name for one of the most brutal traps devised by the human mind tell me how it works
well it’s a trapezoidal hole so you can’t get out if you get trapped you scream and shout the fall into the pit and the spice goes through what you going to do what you going to do my name is Mister Matt from here to say I fell into one of those today and it really made me happy all the way by the way also gay
you’re pretty good rapper to now has a camouflage for your actual Love Freestyle rapping
well if we go to the bank and I do much better about your mama so hard I made her a sweater how to come was woven
Cicero peanuts square d r o p
all right
not not only a rapper but a big trapezius and also a come Weaver Roby not I believe I can make you a sweater a sweater
yeah the patience of the person that was getting the sweater weaved upon them know how long do you think it would take the sweater I don’t know
all right I only have one thing just that special plugs enough to to know why this is done to Consumers but like I just and I can’t I know that my voice won’t be loud enough and nothing will happen I just I just I want an errand frustration that has specifically has to do with the electronic appliances that had that for some reason in a world of appliances that seemed satisfied with a 12-volt adapter 9 volt or whatever you got all the different sizes but you can you can buy them all an electronic store if you lose them and then there’s these things these proprietary plugs like these computer things that they have the you look at the there’s like a power brake and then there’s those fucking thing specialized Uncle Dan I just like you lose I wrote I wrote an Amazon review today it was that everybody was like I love this thing is a great USB hub it’s like pretty pricey but it runs like a dream and I was like four stars if you lose
plug your fucked like like sorry for stars what is the plug looking like I don’t know it’s a d it’s a DC 20 volt 9 Amp Install like a little circle one it’s all right let’s bring our guest a just get buried in pens
that was a good throw in the face of a good bro thank you I’m pretty excited about about to come out Kimbo Slice let’s break out the rest of the Kids in the Hall
what music do you post lights
games for kids
Hello Polly I believe I’m the guy that got left behind the cliff whose brain exploded about him have your brains explode
house right on the edge of this is wood years later Miles Davis slow pound on a stage that rotated and that’s the worst thing you can do for the people came out of it that’s the only place he could look at and he just has to be like you had to like spot like a ballet dancer
what time hahaha
remember we are at we are in Las Vegas and Like the foot we at least we took mushrooms and they kind of didn’t take but everybody ended up with one hotel room and all of a sudden the mushroom started to kick in while Rob schrab was describing the Neil Diamond concert he had gone to with a couple of the other people the rest of us at all split up and had a failure of a mushroom trip but there is just Rob describing the Neil Diamond concert because there was the smell functioning platform and Neil Diamond was like
put it together for the brass section or whatever there is over there like these platforms that weren’t working and what the fuck it was it was really funny we just like all laughing like 8 year olds for 4 hours
yeah I think the first time I met you Dave cuz now that you and I have been on the road quite a bit about a year doing hilarious the Whose Line Is It Anyway yes and the first time I thought you was at your old house with a yes the crazy precipitous like Machu Picchu staircase yes breaking your ass on the way out that was our last party in that house up in the Hollywood Hills where we had some some we had we had a party once that that blocked traffic all the way from Lookout Mountain all the way down to Sunset we have met several times but I bet not there but I was there I was at one of those parties at your house in the 90s yeah yeah and you may be there a lot of parties at my house that I wasn’t even at
the party was our last party on the power went out those huge black out the whole All of Laurel Canyon was blacked out and we’re moving out of the house so I didn’t get that far before people I remember being in your backyard when I tested my first cell phone with Rob’s Rob we were in La for a while before we got our first cell phones and he we got them at the same time so they were one number apart and I remember before they even invented flip phones over the phone
and it would like Dave Rath I remember specifically comedy manager was like he was the you know that this is a guy you at that time that you don’t want to look like an idiot in front of my nephew has his reputation precedes him as whatever you’re like oh God there’s that guy of her already heard of him and he doesn’t know who I am and then when like in the backyard and don’t even know if these phones work so we’re caught we call each other and then like like just I just remember the the mortifying like realization that everyone was looking at us and we were clearly just like these new kids in La who didn’t know what cell phones were and we’re testing him in the backyard like walkie talkies and and how dorky that fellow who was earlier. Have you been compared to like you are the Lennon or the
McCartney worthy Harrison I don’t know if we have an extra one because you’re cute and I was nicer than McCullough as we travel around and not you even sober for some good long time almost 5 years now they’re used to I don’t know what the what the right term for it is like you you in the Kids in the Hall at like you guys there were no women or we call that lady time
how many times were you told how sexy you were as a viable woman
or was that just me and my mom on average every time cuz I like all the other guys it was like oh everyone’s funny ever is everyone’s a lady that’s funny but then it was like some of the women characters I would play and it was like really get him driving cause you just stare and I told CBC crew which government employees and their first they all hated us but they sort of relaxed but get like this there’s old crew guys come with me one day if you could be that redhead tonight
is there a is there something you would play a woman a lifetime of low testosterone came in handy on Jeopardy last night or last night and they said there was a category of Canadian television I like there’s no way there’s not going to be a Kidz in the hall I think the only that you and Kevin maybe when brother has I saw the year the screen capture yeah those just including Dave Foley in
except that once you were TVs in this house for the first time so now I’m always cherish Rising everything goes like this isn’t going to keep that pool filled but I like to imagine like if I if I eat it on a Rick and Morty script like a couple of gallons comes out of the pool and then I’ll be down there in like two feet of water like that I remember the first time I saw your face on television when I was still in Milwaukee it was the the the monologue a good attitude towards menstration
that was literally the first time I’ve got two guys I didn’t know I deal with the show while I was back then you flip through channels like so it was like just boom there was your your adorable Apple face you’re so cute you’re handsome I’d hit it if it was a woman face and didn’t like sexually
let’s make that perfectly clear. Did you write that I did yeah and it still holds up I think that I would believe that if you read it today it would wouldn’t be like throw that didn’t age well
hahaha I do remember I like her a lot of men are being uncomfortable by this monthly Miracle but not me no I embrace that I embrace of the way some men embrace the weekend I look forward to it the way a child Christmas I can’t remember anymore
wow yeah I don’t I don’t remember the phrase celebrate her fecundity you isn’t Brown at my second it to you
people don’t call each other anymore
I’m occasionally second how would you know if you ever put it to the test right now you have Airborne for life
a door alarm
where is it do you think when you
I don’t know how it got rapey I do I remember you have Charming Airborne sperm in Canada that has to be on the air all of your sperm have to be 20% Canadian I’m calling my cards because it was too close to home
it is that everybody is everybody from Toronto is at its most of us you were talking about the the origin story of you guys with Lauren brain candy you’re alone
yeah but what was the deal like why did that get kind of like didn’t get released released but it was It was supposed to be but the truth and at this point I had quit the troop but so they were making the movie and and they fought very hard for a character named cancer boy which is funny cuz the character that I originally wrote into a TV show so they fought to keep cancer boy and then end the Paramount really want to cancel boy out and then I guess they they they finally I guess Bruce got on the phone and badgered somebody at Paramount and they finally said alright you can have cancer boy and they call that Lauren said hey we want we got cancer but that’s wonderful
and so is results keeping cancer boy and they cut it from someone gets a thousand screens to 400 screens and they cut all of the television advertising so not important to a film release now cuz if you want to reach the people that are at the rodeo the origin story of Dave coming onto whose live anyway we were in Chicago and couldn’t do the shows and we were fact because we had like a bunch of gigs to do and are are are agents at 8 PA Josh called you up like what I meant at night yeah yeah la time it was that was one or two Chicago time and I’m like okay we have Dave Foley flying in tomorrow and to save this and it came in you hadn’t done in Providence
30 years
and I think the very first thing that we did you and I were on the ground scissoring each other if you are up for everything you do the most abstract character is like I love you doing our version of crap improv tickets you do like like kind of abstruse like like right field character is like a very weird isn’t working great but you can’t remember why no don’t ask why
where did you get to do some in private from this like I don’t know if you’re aware of this that’s what we’ve been doing here have you been reading from a script
London what why do you have a Russian name
is Serbian fuck you
alright Nadia Nadia give a damn episode isshin that people only do in Serbia like when he was younger in position
that sounds good
you’re going to get Dan to take your mic
damn you’re going to be going to get water from the well is anybody here from Croatia who’s here from America
Central America in America
like Buddhism schedules playing
what soccer what is it what’s your real name that people can’t pronounce
stop fighting everyone you’re not very posture opposed
are you all right
showed a pulley what he’s going to do
can I get an eye exam with an m on them
all right did you got that
is that going all right and now we are going to take you to assume that encapsulate these physical position
as I should have been thinking something funny this whole time no no no
W1 cartwheel
are you both Frozen keep tapped him you did maybe it was encouraging to a pleasant gentleman
for one night and one I don’t like
Canadian Elvis Presley
I can’t
I just want to say I’m sorry
it’s like riding a bicycle David like riding a bicycle. Doesn’t get you anywhere
but it’s fine right yeah hell yeah yeah it was fine because when they called Isis it was like 11 at night and I remember my daughter to something tomorrow so if I can get someone to drive her I’ll be there as soon as you saved our bacon and
yeah well that brought back some bad flashbacks for me ComedySportz o u r e l a how many person he was and he and Rob were were Milwaukee, he’s going to send me like $90 for the same thing yeah yeah yeah exactly that I did that thing is like playing to the you now trying to get the laugh and like I was I was never good at it and it always made me feel sad
what do what do you mean you weren’t going to playing for the last I saw you be funny and go for the laugh all the time.
Can I get a Dutch playwright just run on stage we’re going to do an 8-hour Harold I heard an Epson playing
the dollhouse

can I have some better lighting please
perfect thank you
when I take you to act 2 of the Dollhouse by Henrik Ibsen
what have I done
when I take you to act 3 evening
I’m in sentence
hold onto your butts
did he get props not changed
Gary see that movie executive decision nope it was pretty bad but they did one fun thing which is it Steven Seagal was in it and he’s on all the posters and it was like Steven Seagal Kurt Russell and Oliver Platt our executive decision and it was the name of their improv group in like the first eight minutes of the movie Steven Seagal just without warning just gets sucked out of the airplane they had their whole mission planned and he was like the alpha and then he just dies right away and then it was kind of a fun thing I hate this guy could have evolved out of working with with with with Sagal and I don’t know
can’t act so I’m just really going to break your arm he will he will he will punch and actually make contact with the stunt guys would you not supposed to do know that it’s easy not to do martial artist really should be even better at not hitting Fitness arguably your job not to hit people and if you complain you’re allowed to not be on the movie anymore but also I think there’s a great story I forget who was the stunt coordinator completely busted his ass like this like the counter punch them and just a shower curtains that he just started wearing those are too fitted we’re going to go down there
we’re going to be ghosts only ghost noticed he got 300 and he painted a Dracula widow’s peak on his head and like he kept doing like like if you watch those bladder Day movies he’s like he’s clearly like I’m not going to memorize a script so I’ll just I’ll just I’ll just talk side chick better we’re on a mission okay we’re on a mission is going to be good
we got a mission
it’s nothing to get excited about
Google find some bad guys okay
just a big deal I’m over flatter just here for comic relief
get in the boat get in the boat to get in the boat and we’re on the Bayou by you
just a mission on the Bayou
wet where we where we were going to
Asia Asians are from
how long you been in a jail in demolitions
can I have a family thing my my grandfather was in demolitions and then my father than when I came of age
the beat the shit out of them
hey alligator Hood you like picking are tough guys
I mean are you a tough guy you like drinking a guy’s what you can’t talk what are you some kind of reptile come here
I lost my orders
yeah supposed to be connected to the phone
and the alligators
protected species you know I’m standing now
I just I just want my truck back
it probably is not hard it’s not a difficult art form no
calm down
it it’s like it’s like painting if all painting was Jackson Pollock
it doesn’t have to make any sense for you yourself excluded who do you think was the most naturally funny kid that from the kids in the hole naturally like it’s like the Bourne Bourne funny make you laugh the most Kevin McDonald
who is the lady who is the least funny
funny bone in their whole body that’s very over the years with the McKinney I had I had my I had met Scott of collecting my kids in the hall and counters I got like a Voltron I completed actually nope never met Bruce by but we hung out a Tribeca and he was he was a real fun fun guy to hang out with that’s good did you guys ever and Furious bigger and more it is it like like like did you guys ever have actual were there incidents that were dramatic falling out or anything or
was it more kind of like we had we had a falling-out that lasted 35 years we always know that you like yelling. There’s a lot of breaking Furniture it was yeah it was it was vicious before right from the very start of it and I were in a group with a guy named Luke has Mary and the three of us never thought we were like you’re always very next to each other and then we joined up with the mark and Bruce and other guys Frank think he can Gary Campbell and and and and they were horrible are used to being with people that you trusted and liked and that there was there was no fighting unless you found out that it could be political and crap all the time
it’s like all you know my problem with that sketches that you’re a piece of shit as a human being and that was kind of the level of debate
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, never misses that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the theme to like to my own life so it’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Black Cinema with Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
I remember I remember our improv troupe the dead alewives like yeah we would do things like there was one we would have notes sessions after the show it’s not like like it was just like what are we going to do like tell each other I wish you were different then we were professional enough to like take notes and like get better like we were just like guys that were trained in short form that wanted to say fucking no longer you know I got you the notes thing was so it was it was it was it was mean only one person that wants to be the person that wants to like settle some cash after dinner would be in the few short years we were all together it you know there was there was sort of a rotating alliances like shifting it like Lake Whitley somebody’s got a beef with someone else and they
I’m expressing that through giving them more notes after the show is coming out on stage that this person thinks that that person is not funny or this person thinks that that person is is selfish and mean on stage or whatever and it’s like kind of getting expressed in different ways it’s like trying to hold the family together I mean it’s like cuz you’re together in the supposedly high-stakes thing I’m imagining and trying to imagine your situation because we were in Milwaukee and had no chance of being like well but the stakes are that high for us that they were that was our thing and that was our family and it was our life and so I can imagine you and Mark moved from Calgary to Toronto to to make it which shows how dumb they are
and we are yeah and we did because we used to fight but you won’t be here before we have to go over here just doing our club shows used to fight so much that they’ll be like rumors going all around town all they won’t be a show this week no there’s no way they could get on stage together after the things they said to each other all the way up until the showtime and then once again and say it’s really loved each other again and like when we have a great time. The show is the show and that’s why you were there and then after the show we did we buy the end of the show with usually be drunk and we just hang out all night and I have it and have a great time notes once once we’ve decided what we’re doing everyone’s really good but it’s the it’s the deciding what we’re going to do is when we fight and he’s like people have ownership of bits and stuff like I think we should do to
chicken drive-thru and send until it’s like I hate that sketch but they don’t want to say I hate that schedule that was a version of diplomacy that we never did that sketch that would be his way and and Mark had a gift that if it was if it was four to one against Mark Mark would consider that a draw
that’s very Canadian to me stream capacity for argumentation like yeah he lies a lot of withholding like at suppressing a lot of shit that easy to say I’m sorry but you and you really hate everything that’s going on yeah I don’t get again cuz we never suppressed anything that would have been that would have been sweet a little repression and nice yeah that’s like the Kids in the Hall I was really startled at how fragile everyone was crying
yeah yeah that’s interesting in general are you what was your family like was it functional dysfunctional family was weird horribly dysfunctional and yeah Mike most of us had alcoholic dad’s most of us came from broken homes that wouldn’t quite break Florida to Holmes area and McKinney his dad was a diplomat which I guess is worse
and so so did you have to at some point in your life to do if your therapy or you how do you approach your therapy when I was trying it when I was trying to find a way to end my first marriage and it worked for a while even though my couples therapist was like she helped the couple that I was in get married and then we got divorced in like eight months and then I kept going to wear and I like like every once in awhile I’ll bring it up I’m like you know
you know you kind of a failure as a you had one job yeah and my wife took off the back scandal with my kids and then then I just kept going there for a while cuz she kept telling me I was nicer than her anymore and then when I got married again and then my second wife and I were having problems and I went to the same couples therapist the current wife you’re happy with it and everything’s going back together with my second wife
that’s the address is in your Gap a fun like Latter-Day Matt Damon movie second third wife she’s that they’re very boring to lose I thought I thought you were trying to make up an actress’s name born to lose
what is an interview but I just read an article about wind and know when to stop going to therapy when you’re done yeah I thought that was that I felt weird opening the article but then I felt immediately great because the article and the professionals sited within it immediately indicated this is going to make you feel weird having this conversation with yourself or with your dad and and here’s why and here’s whatever I have you I mean it what what what’s your relationship been with therapy over here it was really literally one day I was in the middle of a session and the therapist said you know you don’t have to keep coming and I said I didn’t want to offend you that was her saying that you like you’re good to go like yeah you don’t need to be here
you know they never even confront this idea but you’re actually like it want to be a good therapist there thinking my job is to make it to this person never has to come see me and it’s actually a toot that it’s an intimate thing you know having this and also I found you not supposed to kiss them on the mouth
and they’re called mental health workers Coronavirus
I’ve got more that was problem a couple laws they were like if you if you if you have internalized everything so you can just hear your therapist voice in your head a lot in situations where you like to go this is what she would say about this and if you’re when you’re going in your sentence your kind of like starting to make shit up like yeah pictures of Spencer seeing Jeremy Piven that’s great you just want him to get a haircut and stop playing Dungeons and Dragons
oh yeah I got to go tomorrow oh boy let me know interesting probably the most valuable thing my by therapist ever said happened at last session is like you know you seem to be alone a lot and I was like thank you and Ada it was like this probably the first time I’ve liked. What felt like a genuine valuable Insight from it because most of what he’s most the time I go to therapy I’m like blah blah blah and he’s like you know and I’m like yeah I know I know that and then I’m like blah blah blah and he’s like you know and I’m like that’s a stupid observation but like this is the first time I was like hey that’s the kind of thing to talk about shit that you’re alone a lot
like the one grain of rice you give me this is literally he’s a therapeutic as a bully he’s saying all the same things a bully says he’s telling you to cut your time alone a lot of friends I’d love to hear the only knows you when he’s with you so you’re never alone when you’re with only knows you not being alone you have to clean my room heat up your food stand up straight you know what lol you know what lobsters do they do when they’re not a trap. Is that his Plato’s Cave JP has a lot of dominance hierarchies Xbox 360 what is a false.
more red he’s like all all beings have sexism looking lobsters the dominance hierarchies are good thing because the best always rise to the top but Donald Trump’s the president shut up yeah
Jesus Christ Superstar when I was cleaning my video lab what’s your video lab Lab is yeah you should get a better therapy lab yeah I know I know I bought eight GoPros for Sony handycams in a taco shells and a partridge in a pear tree and I’m figuring out how to do like a live broadcast and I live broadcast of my my work
call Tony Instagram and I would I was pointed a GoPro so you can do it you can do that bullet time and I are you mount the thing inside the pool while we talk about a waterproof just like a fairy story, story waterproof cameras so the people can watch me practice my foot turns it says it’s a little hobby workouts helps you get in better shape is it a motivating factor for you like a it but it’s sort of like the alternative is I’m not going to just keep working out just because like oh it’s like I ate I’m playing a semi cell
we’re game with like how my brain works by turning my workouts into a thing that has like a nerdy quotient to it but it’s kind of a loaded non-gun or an unloaded actual guy or a double-edged gun sword shoots little tilt bullets that themselves have no Edge but explosive that like yeah I historically I will challenge myself with things that I’m badass and then unlike learn the fuck out of them and it for the dopamine spiked up like Conquering the stink and then I’ll just get aggressively bored and and and just walk away I I just I just opened up like logic pro today and I was like I’d forgotten every single little song like I don’t know I don’t know remember all the keys I think why they spend a lifetime learning have you got to dive
good yeah cuz you what you were doing the Flappy legs thing I have you got to dive like a like a little straighter my height sights and floppy lights on my. Is that I took off my nose clip on the flip where you got to breathe out I guess or something yeah you got to get to the end of my lungs brother
and I’m like a coach coach Elsa wants you to work on those floppy likes
were you ever in a comedy troupe Spencer oh yeah I was on those podcast called harmontown
oh I guess getting tired of it I heard it I heard it died after 17 years of fighting on a notes into the green room and really get into it joke of microscope what’s good the right makes it better to show is how many shows do we have left what’s the shot clock on right now what’s today
seven it’s Monday we got maybe 8h has left I can only do eight of them hell yeah
it’s alright it’s alright made requests I’ve never played D&D
text TNT and video games both kind of broke when I was a kid at just after I started having sex is no turning back video game I’d love to hear about it but I’m fuking right now
but what about the video game same deal I got some talking to do when I’m done maybe we can talk about it so what is early late 70s early 70s 80s to my virginity in 1980 I guess he carrying yeah look at me which which is really quite it if you can stay erect during during anything by Rodger Waters if your kid stay in a relationship with a big flag is it to all his songs are red his mommy letting them down after his daddy died who played Rodger Waters
I’m usually blackout drunk by the middle of the show but like did I mention I like so many Pink Floyd songs like Have a Cigar but like the digits team and Pink Floyd sex or they go meta and talk about how shity the record businesses and Showbiz and all the stuff you think they act like a really nice manager I thought we got along and perpetuating The Stereotype are you not happy with the hotel interested in money I care about you I like that the job pays a single and I’m like is that an impression of me you want to do a concert in Pompeii I said okay I finished my pudding
why am I one of these characters coming out and putting your soul on trial with your mom and your English Professor has crazy when it turns you into a Nazi with shaved eyebrows that a whole lot of thing for a proud that by 1981 I realized that the wall was shit
I got a pretty fast I was pretty fast Off the Mark I would never go that far. I’m afraid I probably will never reach that all the Rodger water songs it’s not bad come on
I love it I never I never liked I won’t bother to like cuz I feel like my taste in music is so unqualified and bad that I am afraid give the Glass House of like ever saying like I usually leave it is like I’ll be like this Katy Perry song is fine like I’m kind of afraid if I step on the slightest footstool of snobbery like the mediately do I’ll bet where you can talk anybody out of the love of rush I fucking love Russia I can’t talk I can’t talk to anybody else other than that we’re praying for Satan loves his rash but wow awesome time
being in the car with you and Jack Black and then like some Led Zeppelin came up and you’re like Led Zeppelin sucks and easy you talk like two minutes and then and then Jack Black was like nah
I know and like sticks more than that then the Pink Floyd and there are worse back no matter what you’re talkin about is
well it’s sticks and Pink Floyd or bad man what’s good I thought the crystal ball to wear sixth realm of America and they open for yes who I truly hate and we’re back stairs that I asked Tommy what’s his name Tommy Shaw who took over from the other guy for that they used to be the lead singer and I got like you don’t you don’t want to go watch him when he goes
now I’ve seen him around about round about a nice are good because again I have no confidence in my own taste but I hate the way I hate Apocalypse Now and stuff like that where I resent the idea that I’m not allowed to have been leveling like Elvis Costello I have I don’t I don’t I don’t hold on I don’t hate Elvis Costello but I hate the phenomenon of not being allowed to hang out with you you love Elvis Costello I heard quote saying that called Led Zeppelin I believe he called them egregious charlatans
through his nose too much it so nasal I got it like that
so fucking nasal I can I get good by Bob Dylan too damn it I mean what day is sticks and a day
first I ever bought a joint at was it sticks first time I ever bought drugs at a concert was it sticks when I was like 16 weed control joint classic from a dude behind me said hey dude you got some extra joints you can sell was that due to a robot and did you say domo arigato to hear that song called oh that’s good if some things become beautiful other things become ugly or like like oh you’re talking about music like if so if there’s such a thing as a shity band and all this music sucks then like I recognize probably along with Phil Collins that like you know
85% of his stuff is like Styrofoam and and who knows about the last 15% but like that he’s prolific he just like he and he wouldn’t he wouldn’t be able to be if he listened to these these thoughts that you’re giving voice to when you talk about music I was just drove by Ellis Island I we must have talked about in the show but Dan saying su su sudio and took his shirt off during the song security came in then Las Vegas PD came in and we had to change his clothes like Sylvester Stallone in Victory we had to sneak him out of the fucking Arena and which aren’t you allowed to do is take your shirt off or sing su su sudio so surprised by until I really thought about it because I was at the bar
there was an older woman can a mother and daughter team who were the racist who are talking shit about this very handsome black guy was ringing my suit and they were saying awful awful racist stuff but clearly the mother wanted to fuck them the black guy and then some college kids came in and sat in the front table and eat with me you and Sam Simon The Simpsons fan shroud was there a couple of the people and then Dan got up and started singing sussudio and he was being kind of pepper Don by I think it has bartender or the karaoke was it fairly empty place and then there’s like one kind of senior woman who had the Charisma to her cuz she was like in to into it and so she was she came up to the foot of the stage and was like kind of dancing to me doing sussudio and she was encouraging me and I was playing to her and then she said
take it off or something like that slowly like being a long-form improviser
try to take me to shirt off but now the cat is gone

what is taking my pants off as well as the two races lady is the black guy everybody was freaking out and it was really good and then two security guards come in wearing yellow shirts and they have like mace in the hand was over the made my mistake and I know I’ve told the story that I guess before but he’s still with might as well finish it here was my mistake Dave and then I was like mortified I was like oh okay I didn’t I didn’t I start putting my clothes back on and then I I miss guided like I thought I would do a bit that it is mistaken world where I live in where everyone shares my entire vocabulary of references I thought I would do an impression of Bono in the YouTube video where they’re getting shut down
I’m by the police on the rooftop I thought the security guards would have a laugh at everyone
Bill Weber a reference
and in the end of the Christmas tree of bad decision-making to the security guards
take me to heart and start engaging with the hecklers I like
Toyota to your job unless the people are like the elderly racist woman that was trying to fuck a black guy even though she kept dropping like horrible like whenever he walked away she spit on the security guards at bad things went haywire proper policeman came barging in and out of these people have guns in the end of the day. Which is ironically now in the background and a and a and a lighter are incredibly impressively like strategic Rob schreiben this like Shining Moment like I feel this hand grabbed my wrist and he just goes like coming and he just pulled me over to the giant booth and and they took his hat and jacket
the movie Victory with Michael Caine and Sylvester Stallone in Pele and brought what is beanie on we have to get you out but you can’t be wearing the same clothes that you were wearing and it was there and now that the college kids the woman spit on a police on a security officer then the police came now that the kids were like Halo sing they came to your rescue these like like Friday kind of a sorority email I like it went well and we sneaked out the back and now we walk out and loads of cop cars outside and we’re slithering down the side of the building at Ellis Island talked on Hood’s cleared the bar out everyone
everyone is completely forgot that the woman that spit on the couches that you can’t kick me out of here like you can’t throw her out she’s my mother and you’re out of here to another fucking Freddy’s got in there in the sorority is getting there and then it was fucking chaos and we use that distraction to get out of that door and the black guy in the suits like I thought I was already paying the price for this relationship so we’re leaving Ellis Island which is a terrible terrible casino but they have karaoke every now and then but they don’t even know all the songs they just know how to dress up like a departed friend who you don’t like an awesomely made Simpsons I think we’re leaving the police everywhere and there’s the college kids are being thrown over the hood and being cuffed
we’re staying here at the Best Western or whatever the fucking shit hotel is there and I know you’re going to jail and sentence that makes a shirt off during Phil Collins the Western Suites we had to walk a mile to go get a cab because we couldn’t get one there and it was
yeah yeah that’s probably the third time in eight years I go to the store with Paul songs to start some inflammatory awful ship in like fucking nonsense but the reason why that all kicked off because you were nailing it encouraging you to be nude
I said take it off I didn’t know when I was like 35 whenever I was it was funny or me in my underwear I was funnier now I think it’s like a little creepy problem
I took my clothes off at the Traverse City Comedy Festival and nothing happened there was no fully full name real yeah yeah yeah
did you like up your hands. What am I going down there what’s the deal and honest about your genitals
cuz I’ve heard that your penis is shaped exactly like an ampersand
I’m trying to think of the best way I’m fluctuating between adorable
and beneficent
that’s it that’s The Sweet Spot nipple perched on top of two pendulous tumors Dan has enormous balls text Leah Carter Steven by by contrast
I take it you have a small dick but your balls are needlessly large there’s no there’s no no it’s like what’s the deal like what’s what’s what are you going to do exactly like I I like we discussed with Heather Anne Campbell like I’ve never dropped what I would call a load like
I’ll admit a desperate dime-sized like a cantaloupe and made two balls you have giant giant giant bicycle his eyes
a little dick in between them like Garfield’s knows but I
for purposes of buckets and that’s how you make a little but all so much, I guess God like whatever whatever Maniac is behind all these decisions how do you know you going to play with these attributes ladies love a good drinking from a little troll market for Tiny Dick and too much, I have I have I have a penis that I that usually gets his response so much better than I was expecting
can I have to be polite cuz you don’t expect much from me because you know that it’s an attack if they if they if they’ve heard my rhetoric leading to the maintenance required play like a rich relation to my micro penis listeners like I do I find it I don’t I don’t I don’t like you know what listening
you’re good people bike repeated bids
finally my giant clitoris can be kid be contextualized in a
well we’ve gone too far haven’t went that way
that’s that time it is in the show like we’re taking down to the to the dying days of harmontown yet we’re wearing any stone unturned right just like the death rattle can I wear my favorite things about you because they fall in love coffee and I are you currently drinking coffee I was this was this was full of coffee when I came out here this is the only time I seen you without coffee yeah that’s why I ran out and I didn’t plan what was the thing when you were on news radio and said you got an inquiry only time in the National Enquirer is that they fully admit to drinking 50 cups of coffee a day
which I wouldn’t consider a huge admission but it was true of has trouble sleeping yeah I don’t know if you drink Moscato you like if it wasn’t home but like 4 years old free coffee or and yeah I wasn’t worried for your old really had a few have like nightmares when you do sleep like wait what insomnia I feel like people misunderstand because to me it sounds like a superpower I hate falling asleep I’m like God damn it I was getting into this I have trouble sleeping at night I can sleep in the day easily I love sleeping in the day I said trouble sleeping at night
if you get some Rachel Maddow and some headphones you’re good to go sleep during one show and then the next show will say the exact same thing so I don’t have to worry about you know where that’s at Chris Matthews is it today I probably had 10 espressos at home before going to work so that’s 10 right there and then through the day the property is I forgot their names because Jodi man was there and she would they kept two thermoses
the under proper wagon so that I would stop going to get coffee making a drinking in there for them over to like five silly five years ago Christmas so coffee was always a thing and that was John yeah and then and then he will start bringing me whiskey so oh yeah they had when I did the show was John Larroquette they had a little in the prop fridge there was a secret picture and they will go like we’re going to do a couple people about this and they had a cocktail of the week as it’ll be like cosmopolitan’s in a picture and they would just give you a little Styrofoam cup and that was your secret cocktail but that was the same people but
you just said one day fuck it and you didn’t go through programs used I quit of of drama around the corner from where I lived and you were found like this is Pat I passed that fell on the patio and crack my head and I hit I hit so hard that my brain gave me a black eye from inside my skull
and then I woke up and I woke up in the ICU with my with my ex-wife and my doctor’s standing there and we are going to go to New York after Christmas and is one of these rights I meant hey I think I’m going to quit drinking and there’s the is there a is there a positive like kind of like like when you’re when you’re struggling to overcome it is there like a kind of what’s the question of trying to ask like a lake a realization you had that like kind of makes you strong as opposed to that all this is fucked up and I think I could drink tonight at the time I didn’t I thought I really do it cuz I thought this might be hard but
and injured the part of their brain that was drinking like my depression went away to or they suddenly can speak French and then they can play the piano right spot. We’re going to try to get the part of your brain that makes you invisible or keeps you from being in the field right within the price to get your heart going I’d like to just like hit it again would like a brick or something just so I can start drinking again have a Manhattan
yeah I think there was something that my therapist told me about drinking that would to me was if I ever should choose to stop like this would be in the Forefront of my brain which is that when you’re 12 which is when I’m going to make a guess of guys like you and me maybe had our first experiences with drinking with this 12 and it’s like oh my God there’s this amazing experience and then your friends are like yeah it was kind of fun but now my head hurts and you’re like I’m Peter Pan in like it when you’re 15 17 19 25 like your your neurology keeps like growing like three routes around this thing and it very well at a certain point it can not only start to lose its actual benefits medicinal benefits but it actually
entirely it could become just a plain old poison and get the tree roots of your brain is kind of like organized themselves in a relationship around the space occupied by this thing which stops giving you the same kind of you know after awhile it like 1:46 when I get shit-faced drunk I am no longer the hilarious person I was perhaps I’m not I’m not I might get more depressed I might get more blackout I might lose my memory where might I might become a different thing and I think that part of it when somebody talks about quitting drinking like for me the part of my brain that that resisted as is like yeah but drinking is always you know like I want to make that big change but I think it’s that that’s why it’s interesting I thought for my Surface to point out like you have to change has already happened like you’re already quitting drinking you already quit that relationship with that
wonderful potion that made you happy to be that relationship is it long since over and well and you’re dancing with the coffin of this ex-girlfriend that Noah is it left you a long time ago I am she didn’t put it that way I’m very articulate cuz I’m drunk therapist is really poetic you know it’s like Stewie we needed the thing in this becomes a big part how you define yourself to let you know being being a drinker and being a hard Drinker was a big part of how it like how I you know what I envision myself to be acknowledged part of the reason why we can get we can get stuck in her ways is because whether it’s smoking video games drinking or anything is it what happens is it brings out behaviors and attitudes
do the people around you so suddenly to finding you its defining how you relate to other people but that’s like the other time I woke up in the hospital after after drinking but that’s not why I didn’t quit drinking cuz I got woke up and I had an IV in my arm and I went but I took that outside where the hell am I and was walking out and then the doctor as I was walking out just said you know you really have to quit drinking and I just announced first everyone else has to get a lot more interesting
yeah yeah I mean that sounds very familiar to me but apparently that happened because now you don’t drink anymore I love you smarter is a former smoker of cigarettes I eats it’s too easy to just say all I was doing this terrible thing by smoking and it and then I stopped and was a zero-sum game is like wow I was a smoker they were many positive things to say about it and they were all socially base because the kinds of people who would get on your ass about how you were a smoker that was a red flag for the kind of relationship that I want to buy a yeah I was denying myself the Friendship of people that would have made my life better
in relationship I had started drunk by every woman I was ever with I bet you know me and started out drinking and every friendship I think sort out drinking after the age of about 10 of 14 so and so it was very beneficial for a long long time we’d always makes me feel like I’m I’m ugly and stupid I was beautiful and smart you know that made your penis beneficence yes yeah there’s a there’s a sweet lofty Zone in their yards I think you’re always kind of chasing that it continues to shrink and become less and less reliable it’s like that euphoria
Quality Inn and you know as of late when I’ve noticed is that it’s like it’s it’s becoming more and more calculate Ubly predictable that like then I’ll use Superfluous adverbs predictable like a normal person if you don’t know what you’re going to say but that that that I will let my mood will just take a crash which is it is it is it because of therapy because I am at because my therapist among the many things that I like about her sheet she never forced that hand she she I think she probably senses in me that there’s is like you know stuff like be still like get around in that she would just join many skulls and golgota if you were to try to
she makes sure I know that she’s not here to make me quit is that that way for that reason because I can trust her even more conversations with about drinking in my relationship with it than I’ve ever had in my life with my professional knows all about it and and I forgot the rest of the clip weed or are you just going to look ratchet that back back baby
no I don’t I don’t like by I don’t like really buy weed or anyting but I said we would go with other people or whatever them everywhere when you ever weedy like when we’re on the road together cuz the rest of the cast of his life were always drinking because that it doesn’t matter I don’t like being around people on the road he carries around a little speaker and there’s always jazz music ever he goes That’s cool Dave just has this awesome like Affinity of just think it’s not like you boys enough people does just always a beautiful soundtrack happening and then when you’re not there it’s a bummer because we were
you could get a speaker at the harmonquest premiere and yeah sample of his his the beta test of his cartridge yeah I get that. Did you read the New York Times think of it that the bust in Wisconsin the two guys running gag happening that cuz Cody was a fucking what are those things called shaper or not because I hated that she was like sucking on nicotine like a cuz I was a smoker till I was 32 and it was
but I guess I guess I guess what it is is that because Parts not legalized everywhere and then Vape cartridges are they kind of okay looks like it’s like it’s like making gin in a bathtub like there’s such a lot of invitation for people who is juice oil put anything in there that you think gets the job done and I can at least something that’s some vitamin E oil they were using it seems there was just more tainted specific painted stuff and stuff but that means there’s been no studies about how safe or unsafe vaping is like I don’t think we’ve ever done any good
and that’s if they’re banning flavored tobacco cartridges which I’m flattered and fairly certain they’re not linked to any of the any sex like a single case I don’t think is linked to actual flavored tobacco know that’s just linked to we don’t want our children to die of cancer sure that’s the pits cuz there’s no no no no tobacco products that are that are look like candyfloss flavors that they’re they’re not marketing to Children mind you I don’t know if they don’t know if anybody wants some heavy metals cause the surface of the metal and that’s definitely a great
and I don’t want my bones to hurt your butt and those that I love those those are great for like the arthritis and time
I’ve never done that with a palm tree for about 15 minutes right three pesos that makes sense I was grieved check-ins for a while and then that it was over and Jeff was back in 15 minutes right now there are other psychedelics you too old to try transformative stuff on the final harmontown
Curtis Armstrong and we fight and we just to be just to Ayahuasca right there like this is probably going to be awful for a while but the Nets Dragoness
did you go out of town you like us to Rica or
that’s where you at a house or like a party or what we’re going to do
a friend that can fly in a shaman and to print a Brooklyn but that’s the shittiest part of Ayahuasca is the shaman
bulshit spirituality all of my shoe picture whatever the fuck I got like however the people tell me to do it because I do not want to go off the rails and stupid to say that we’re going to do we’re going to defend Ali of harmontown properly to be an iOS device on T-Mobile really yeah yeah yeah
pocket Shaman I love you
my husband’s boss is coming over for dinner I know I’m a pain pill. I’m I’m back now make that casserole but aware of the fact that Castrol doesn’t matter
God I wish you were trying to talk to make it at the show on that job
member FDIC
I just did a little bit of it I didn’t get super duper high but I there was a tree and we had a thing and it was I was kind of romantic moment with a treat and then I’m going up to the storm Area 51 thing oh yeah yeah tell me what what military base first probably yeah I think they have a offense outside of a fence and they have to get through that fence first they have sensors for like the miles and miles of desert surrounding them before I Before I Let Go 7000 is it’s just like they’re calling the base camp and it’s there what they’re not near the the days and they’re not going to
from the base of Canada baseboard the best military base at Fort Wayne with a friend and I don’t go north I can’t believe you could have still have an army after we kicked your ass in 1812 I believe we won made it right you guys burn down our White House
we wanted to build a new one and you paid for it
the War of 1812 was completely because I like the weed hit the Tipping Point of like how aggression move just faster than communication like it was some sort of like people would like to write a letter going like wait no we didn’t know they were going to liberate Canada were going to liberate Canada from the British and they came up with a way
Barbie in the Battle of New Orleans and I hate that the boat has a letter that says it’s over yeah yeah they never had a burger now they have a burger but it’s fucking Beyond Burger so they did now have only vegan burgers that they’ve never had a fucking Burger before don’t fucking
you cannot get a fucking off Beyond sausage you can get a fucking sausage McMuffin you can’t get that in the state you can’t leap from whatever we were talking about and I don’t give a shit anymore
I want to do Ayahuasca not on the show off the chain and friends are after the harmontown is John are we just going to fuck off another night or we just going to I would like the two of you to continue to do commercials my favorite part of harmontown is going and doing the ass cuz I sleep till Brooklyn by who by who make all the add fucking like
is Church’s going to advise as Brendan’s ability to make us sound like we know we’re done fucking great I love it it’s a goof off for 5 minutes and we still under we’re still all be friends or more to the point that have you guys become friends so get used to it
can I get a pool now yeah I got one of those
creepy rolling like five to underwater cameras and I made little rigs that I it takes about that I get up in the morning I put them in the in the pool and
I think the dragons had been in the last year was that your pool cuz we just took day drinking in a pool in the heat of the valley sun and then you just fucking wrecked and they went to Barone’s and we had like red wine that was bad
yeah I can get nasty yeah I kind of miss it has very large how much at the house have you actually used because there’s parts of that house that’s never going to be occupied I just use the room 232 of your bathroom haven’t you pooped in
I have not pooped in the guest bedroom bathroom light what about that that exterior okay good all the decorators were there and that’s how I found out I will never poop in there again cuz the door to that one when he is like glass and you can see me standing wiper I’ll just say it
and before you fucking freaked out that’s 40% of the public so fuck off is there a is there another way after I found out that not everyone is a standing wiper in like season 3 of community work to do
it’s sort of in their leverage my supposed to stop wiping anyway there’s a roll of toilet paper there’s a toilet that will clog if you fill it with the toilet paper and there’s an ass that has plenty of shit for the roll of toilet paper when is standing helped that because of a confident person who’s like well my ass and I have to look at every wife and be like okay so that’s like I compared to a Home Depot
six more wipes to go I’m only at like an acorn like three flashes it’s fucking yeah you just mind what you said is it front to back or back to front
front to back for fucksake
yeah no you don’t reach between your legs and push it towards your fucking vagina I will I’m going to I’m not going to pretend I made this Ben Franklin like decision and I like a wise man always stand up did you wipe standing up pretty much a matter of course you deliver I mean streets of Tustin California
I really don’t think it was like when stand up when they wipe their ass and then infect a vast majority of people do not think it’s weird I don’t know what I wouldn’t know how to do it at once and I was like well that’s just now that’s a complete I mean it’s like this is a thing that you’ve done every day it was like I was switching 11 a.m. small standing I’m comfortable going to have to watch
call boy
giving up J Pauley everybody
we’re gonna watch him take a poop Canadian Style
Frederic Remington
Chipola College Church. Everybody here at they haven’t any of the County Down by the time, Jeff David Spencer
turn on the company that does make some cash, and let’s all remember we find ourselves happy right path to take Kansas
exactly got beat
I’m going to be 9 before you can see.
Not be playing what you think has imperfections my life I feel like this sentence makes the Predator would be
navigate me to trap if you want it back
planning must be ready to die
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