Episode
Episode 341: Ketel One, Audience Zero
Description
We finally get to the bottom of the story about Spencer’s bees, why The Golden Girls owned mink, what a Jeff Golem would look like, Rob Schrab, and bagels. Featuring Dan Harmon, Rob Schrab, Spencer Crittenden and Jeff Bryan Davis.
Transcript
oh yeah oh yeah
I’m not going to lie to you not in the best of moods tonight
but I’m going to rain
and bring it back you guys going to put me in a good mood right
harmontown
what
there you go there you okay let’s give it up again tonight but give it up for our in-house dungeon master Spencer Crittenden
Bruk It Down
looking all good looking all good got the ponytail to the side looking good man are you shrinking I have no I’m growing it’s a nightmare man I got a diet oh boy I fat again and it sucks
I’m still fat let’s give it up for the mayor of harmontown is too damn High
Carmen
Dan Harmon
Dan Harmon yeah Dan Harmon Dan Harmon
Norman Dan Harmon has five stars or is Uber driver five star Uber driver looking at my notes looking right thank you
sorry I did you discuss what you wanted at the beginning of the show and it totally left my brain I forgot I’m giving you space sensitive to you like I can but I had an idea for 4 tonight is like whatever you want man I’m all right I just a bitch you don’t have to do it he’s like whatever you want man I think what you want to double down in like the moderator practice thing you’re going to be moderating the Comic-Con panel if you want to open a moderating
Rick and Morty
has either the harmontown panel or the practice Rick and Morty panel in either case bring people out going on give you anything you want I mean I don’t care I don’t give a fuck if you like my idea or not I don’t even think about that before and then you went off on the singer had you in a bad mood and you’re old and a lot yourself and you went into autopilot out here and that’s fine I can do that to a auto pilot I can go to my little notes Here
call Bagel boss
who hasn’t heard enough about that guy talk about him you see the video that was on the video about that is named isn’t Bagel boss I thought he was the bagel boss he went to a place called Bagel boss
am I saying Bagel right I don’t even know if I would have had a little something season of Television off of it cuz I don’t know I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about unless I think about it I’m not going to think about the word Bagel I’m tired of it whenever I mean boss who’s apparently not the boss. The bus I was worried for 5 seconds that he was would kill himself cuz I know he’s he’s having a field day so yeah it’s like he’s done videos before I can’t use like the the nylon boss
I’m sorry Spencer I’m cutting you off but really
who’s got the time energy or want to do any the little Bagel guy yeah but I look at that okay I understand and I’m paper but the sheer like get up in the morning and I don’t think the energy that he was interested cuz he’s like a part of his meme is that he was like when he yells of the guy cuz you’re not God my father and then he kind of like pauses for a second or my boss and I thought why would you throw that in there is like always worry he’s going to get fired where does he work that that that that crediting is boss right at the end there is going to make the difference Spencer I’m sorry I thought he just read the you know the sign on the wall and it’s like oh right boss Bagel boss Alright Ok Google
world-weariness where I was like the worst thing about that story was I was like this guy might kill himself like this is too much like a guy because the video just has him cutting I didn’t I worried about him for 5 seconds until you get the rest of the story and it turns out they can do you like a week and I work days of his life
you guys hear about this gamer girl bathwater know there’s this gamergirl what’s selling her bathwater Jed Clampett from The Beverly Hillbillies what I don’t have that what what what what are we using what says when we talk like a hillbilly you sold two baths where the water now I understand how big are they like energy shot bottles a bit bigger like less than a pint of ice cream kind of size but about there like in a glassy hot oh yeah I mean I should say that but she’s probably young I don’t think you’re supposed to ask or answer for the dirty
I don’t know that’s that’s no by anything thank you for that segue I bought a $1,500 pool robot
not my pictures it’s a pool robot wasn’t how big is it how tall went to apply supply store in a pool supply store is like they must existence I’m going to Bubble where like people are calling them all the time for like free pool advice I think like if it was a doctor’s office they just be like what’s your insurance and people would hang up but a pool place you can call and be like the phone is just ringing off the hook the entire time I was there and the guy kept answering a hey I actually have a customer in the store right now so can I get back to you I don’t want anything from you I can see if I can get on a stick I don’t need your help like you can talk on the phone all you want I’m only here cuz I don’t want to wait a day for the mail
I said can I pull robot for the bees insects in power is a BT’s on a t-shirt I liked it I pressed the heart button for you thank you selling its really burning up the charts over at home video and my t-shirt
okay do you have any of these yes polish moles as they call him and he’ll Aki school with its disgusting you know what you do just rip it off
well I wanted to ask you about it but obviously you’re going to give joke answers you know you do you get dental floss and you tied up
and then a strangles it to death and it falls off but I went about all the talk about like some point in my life I get injured my Consciousness through or not you’re not supposed to touch him you’re not supposed to mess with them while I think they do tend to grow back but I’ve read that about those things I do fall off fall off on their own cancer for a week and then it just like fell off today and then I but I got this one on my arm
there’s this wart remover that you it it comes in like kind of like you know like when you spray like are are are like and are and you turn it upside down and it feels cold and you guys used to run around my apartment pretending to fart
you love that the day you found out if you held the can of stain out of wood shoot visible like are out and you would like you went through a case of can deer standing in doorways going shooting like white smoke out of your butt
I don’t think they understand is there canned air in the building can somebody go get
I don’t think anything is July’s remover where you what it does is like it’s a little can of like that whatever reason it it’s not a wart well but the thing is is it a president or fall off quicker to cut it off I got the pain a reason I’m asking is because I hear it’s like in my mind like people go like don’t touch him like don’t fuck with him right anybody
yeah like like like things been put in my head I don’t know if this is true or not but it’s in my head the idea that if you were if you remove them it could cause cancer
I mean there can’t answer mines when you’re not a doctor because I don’t want that to be totally true I know I don’t what the hell Billy about gone mad which is what cancer is but these things are contained at least feel like you’re Eastern European Heritage in terms of how to put a bubble on this person’s eyelid so they can get through this documentary about UFOs and they think it’s cancer that’s trying to get out of your body when you fuck with it you’re like actually hacking the Mainframe of a thing that’s already in the edge sack the Jack Nicholson of cells and you like you don’t want to give it an excuse to do Witches of Eastwick alright
I ripped that like you’re in the moment I was kind of proud of it but it’s not like
that’s all I go which of these board members is Easter and when I can
who’s thanks thanks sometimes that’s all we need like one guy at medium volume saying it’s good it’s good I’m trying to I’m actually now thinking my head doesn’t need to be a guy could it be a woman would it be different of as a woman like like cuz I listen to Tori Amos the result of a lady going good boy
that would that would be okay I could die that’s that’s a little bit of alright right there I don’t think it would work I think I would protect you it would be like no you’re lying and they all lie
back to noon
222 common to, good damn funny anymore to pretend that you can go down the street and get real decide to me anyway why is your fake besides be funny not that it’s like it’s backing up my my phone right now it’s 19.3% finished yeah it’s like a flash drive says racist to say now but it’s a 4 prong thing again like a cross it’s got a micro USB a lightning a USB c and a regular USB respectively as you go around the perimeter of the karate star and and it’s
it’s plugged into my phone right now which was it right after I could pull this out and plug it into ostensibly
anyways but once you start backing something up I can that I can’t pull this out no it’s terrifying I don’t know anything about the whole thing how many how many stores are in each device that’s attached may be coining this phrase but I’m what you call a snowball in in the Apple douchebag community and then I bought the first iPhone and have bought every successive iPhone and have basically only ever transferred all of my information from my first iPhone to this iPhone I’m 7 iPhones in and they keep expanding the storage so I have never like ever dumped my phone’s content out anywhere for safekeeping so you’re dodging the question is do you have on it how many gigs is it backing up how many gigs can that device back I think this thing is smaller than my phone that’s what I was
yeah but I’m hoping that maybe that just the photos just a photo roll I do I got 2 hours baby
and we don’t have to talk about anything really I could meditate yeah I’m pretty much done the Golden Girls with with Cody which I know is like kind of a hipster thing like you’re supposed to be and I’m like yeah I’m a girl’s butt but like as a writer of advancing age with a girlfriend do I go to watch it with her parents I think when she was a kid or something is nostalgic value for her but we will start watching it was like Golden Girls Golden Girls three or four episodes into the we live in a culture where it’s too It’s too convenient for people to be like this is genius and you know like I don’t know I mean luck televisions a derivative medium multicam
what time is the worst of the worst it it but it’s as far as like a spectrum of like I don’t know fucking coolness drivel but like at the same time you have to recognize that there’s a craft there like you you know when you’ve watched a shity multicam Civic, versus a good one and and then and then there but then there’s not just that one dial at cuz I’m watching Golden Girls him like I would never I don’t think I would stick with this for multiple episodes but I’m so old now that I was starting to like dial into this thing of like she’s this thing is kind of Genius just in its I think like all I can get is what it feels like a solar powered moped or something like cheap like they never leave their house and they just keep talking about the same shit like one of them might get married in the other three are freaking out about it and but it’s like
search liked a kind of slave are your like holy shit in terms of like the amount of energy going in versus the amount of energy coming out this thing is actually like a like a miracle of Technology like that like a Dyson Sphere but like with it is just like what how is this and it really doesn’t turn on all of that good kind of you know what kind of like near the progressive all female cast plus they’re all older they’re not fuckable which is pretty amazing what is edging
you know I really like Wednesday last what if one of them is listening was that what that was
they knew we were going into it but that’s what’s going to be the only time something like that will ever happen again is if they reboot Golden Girl like there though nobody’s going to go let’s get a bunch of we want the next Golden Girls are or whatever I mean was Designing Women on the same network or was it was in BC I don’t know if they will have no idea I don’t really don’t see the Tarantino episode of gold and he didn’t write or directed if that’s what you’re hoping but you watch the first season of a show and you can kind of see like like oh they’re operating in total darkness like like they’re on a soundstage somewhere and they they have no idea you know that late like like like they don’t know they’re going to be syndicated they don’t know they fight like Sprout who knows how they show they might have banked 25 episodes before they are two single one I have no idea what the history of that show is
Rihanna’s criminal Simplicity to the first season or just went through all 25 episodes didn’t exist back then because Golden Girls is like season one is like if you were ever going to get the note of schmuck bait from in broadcast sitcoms it would be like a note you’d get that where it like you can’t expect the audience to believe their steaks here so like like Old Barney Miller’s going to retire in like an episode 17 of Barney Miller where I like what it why would the show and we know that’s not going to happen so don’t feel like this is like do you think the audience is a schmuck like why would you be pretending that this is allowable as a story
Channel One
the breakfast Pancake House
I don’t know why do you hear Ketel One audience zero the Ketel One and Dan sat down like that’s that’s like a category of smoke Vape where if you’re writing a pilot like you can’t you can’t spend your pilot having the protagonist go maybe I shouldn’t be here it’s like a schmuck like
they’re obviously their faces on the poster in and all the commercials like we know that Diane’s going to keep working at cheers stop it but they did it back then they got away with it and it’s it’s kind of it it’s fun to look at and go like I did and they didn’t have that note to contend with so they were able to tell like simpler stories where it was just like every fucking week one of the Golden Girls was worried that one of the other Golden Girls was going to move out but anyways there’s just walked out
I don’t we just eat bringing things making the The Ice Bucket yeah
thank you very much Jeff just left if you’re an aficionado
if you’re like an aspiring TV writer or something like that I don’t recommend this for everybody I’m not a foodie of Television I’m not going to stick around but whatever I just washed dishes season season 2 episode 1 of the very interested learn to paint like obviously they took a break obviously then the reviews were probably like holy shit these guys are great together there’s something really amazing about this show it’s working really well we love it we love it it probably wasn’t like bet heavily on the budget was low probably and then it was like explosively popular and then like one can only imagine who knows you can speculate forever and then like stupid season 2 starts with episode 1 and it’s like
there in a in a new set that you’ve never seen before all of a sudden you’re the Golden Girls Garage would you’ve never seen before two of them are building mink cages this is a show that was like if you were if you are a fan if you’ve been into it you know like how just like kind of provincial it was it was like they just went back and forth from the living room to the kitchen in a cheesecake and talked about the
bottle of water bottle of Arrowhead Tonight Show is sponsored by Arrowhead Water Arrowhead water when you need a refreshing are red Jeff Davis Jeff Davis tour season 2 starts and then I use to finish these men stages on time and dreaded going to the thought of going into the business going into the mink mink business
sing to do it’s like a runner in the episode so that in the end they can go look the minks are fucking it was it was it was about Rue mcclanahan’s menopause the episode was so fucking like out of control and I if you’re if you’re is it anybody that works on the Golden Girls like I’m confident that if you’re proud of that episode you’re not the kind of person that I’m worried about offending but because I think that any way that worked on the show would they have to there has to be a story behind that episode anybody that can write a show about a bunch of people hanging out in a living room and is able to get past page one is a fucking hero to me what I mean where do I go somebody’s going to have to I mean that sucks
is it it’s a it sucks even over and you can cheat by like having your show be about a dude that burps and says like like we got to go get all the diarrhea and that someone goes like got Jesus don’t know if we should do that and you’re like halfway through a page I like that’s cheating I mean the Golden Girls writers
cheap 9 Rick and Morty that was your beat sheet wasn’t it
I had some help I mean like Who janovitz TV writing you have some help we work as a team all right gentlemen put your hands and feet together for our next guest Jefferson Davis
Jefferson Davis
call Shane person David rolling up the sleeves OSHA act like I might get out of school around the Arrowhead water bottle and walk the fuck off the stage
yeah I mean I I I got bad news is like and how do you everybody keeps phoning it in bucket with a life with anything I mean like so yes
creative I’ve been having a creative for the past 20 years. Don’t even go there but yeah but here you why is everybody that knows of you knows that you’re
you came out smelling like a rose you like people know that you’re a genius and that you took you down that I don’t want to hear pump you up I’m just looking at it as a as a magician and going like what I mean like what do you want to Star on the Walk of reason to get up in the morning cuz people are out there need their there’s like thousands and thousands of people that never even bothered to send an emoji because they’re most people don’t like they they see something for 30 seconds that you made for a minute or 5 minutes or 20 minutes or a hundred episodes or 20 episodes are legally overhearing in a fucking K restaurant where you’re being funny and
I like it that land speed on Earth at Davis yes
and we’re building to take in carbon dioxide and you put out oxygen in a world that usually does the opposite and I sleep like a baby you go like I don’t have to care about others
I drink poison I put out a purified air
like it’s a good gig
you don’t have to lift any boxes at high road and you I’m just saying like you not yet
tired I’m tired of it I want you to tell me specifically that I need you
as your therapist I need you to name your your goal like you’re saying that I don’t know I don’t know I would really don’t know I don’t know I mean I thought I did it and you know but it just seems those phases where we don’t know what we want and those are those are The Grass Is Always Greener but there’s a lot of people who know what they want to do when they look at people who don’t know what they want or like must be nice like because they like they know for sure that all they have to do before they can fucking relaxes get these MRI results or like finish this internship or curtain this the theme paper or whatever the fuck for a people do and they have that they’re locked in that Maze and all they can look forward to is like this for a lot of Americans it’s the myth of retirement
we’re all doing it to ourselves every day we’re like I just got to get this and then we’re going to find out who regarding Henry really is you know like what kind of Ritz crackers am I into it’s a good movie should check it out as when you’re feeling like that that’s where you get to now just fucking
I mean the thing that you’re depressed about is
Dad you should be depressed about being to Brad about that cuz that makes you a loser and I was like what a loser I appreciate that and I understand that but it’s it’s a symptom of a greater thing if you’re my therapist you know that already yeah yeah yeah like I think you’re in a good thing you should do that while I’m not saying you should be happy what could happen
what could happen at I could go in the lampshade a wait a minute
what what head could come next I don’t I don’t think you can do it I don’t think there’s a heads up.
I don’t think the head can fit on top of that you hear that Jeff that’s a challenge
man also like the lampshade could go upside down but then the tie wouldn’t fit
why would you put the lamp shade upside down and we will go over here you know it would fit a 0 over the top of the bottle it’s all yeah I could demonstrate but why would I do that right now I know I’m not I’m not trying to everybody listening and I like the idea that there’s let’s not talk about anything other than Jeff bit until Jeff comes out again because it’s so that he’s not taking Focus from anything he asks Lily eat himself he’s got shoes that is now he’s putting shoes out and there at the foot of the chair what kind of Golem are you making
you guys know about this Golem the Jewish Golem
you put like a slip of paper in its mouth and it does the thing it says you say he knows all about it
is that like you’re Santa Claus come on
yeah that’s true coelom is made out of clay made out of clay jacana Tunstall Alchemy I think you have to say the whole word do magic
I think you got it I think you can’t I think the key is yeah you’re going to add the issue. We can’t be like I got a new one of those Jews limousines Jewish though it’s fine you can’t imagine what I’ve come to find I think is like the you know they could say but or Hebrew magic robot infused with
Hebrew magic brought to life via the Hebrew Faith you did a really funny thing the other day when I left your house. It looks really good
it was just a bit for driving at the same time so it’s a Golem is a
you let me tell it so that I can protect myself a little bit of my own mind locker room humor it was a fast Rob’s Car on this like crazy contraption that like it has like a like 90 wheels and like you got a big Boomerang handlebars on my bike and he was like a very well-dressed boy with like it was Saturday but it is made have been what do you call it Shabbat or something he had a yamacon and and he he was riding on this crazy Contraption and shrubs that has the little boy Road by the way what do you call that thing and the kid was like you’re flying or whatever is a thing is called the brand name and Travis like maybe you should get one of those to me and I’m like why you doing this to me and just leave it and then I went back inside and I just did the timing of it cuz Rob would be like on the freeway by the time I texted and I was just like I thought they were called yamaka
called and he was like I was like you said that as if they were talking about his hat
I just said the timing of moving funny his
take a pic long pods okay is this a good bit okay I got a bed for you okay and it’s you tell me and maybe we can work shop this hopefully it’ll be better than the show fun thing for my sweet but okay so is this is an announcer whose does inappropriate pronunciations okay alright
coming this Easter Sunday ABC proudly presents The Life and Times of Jesus Christ
stopping Willem Dafoe is Pontius Pilate
it’s a simple coming in there and Dad humor like good dad humor
Toys R Us this has happened in the last five years and I guess it’s because I’m older everything I’m doing he is Dad human embracing it I mean honestly I am on the way out I don’t have any kid no no no that’s not true at all I mean you’re not getting the job
he put a drinking cup all boy
oh we’ll make it work
as I was saying we have to we have to ignore him to be as took to compete with 25 year olds in terms of like there was like why I asked them like understand what Tinder is let alone what a funny or hack joke is about Tinder like we’re not going to compete with that but that’s not the same as being like out of business like you cuz you lose your your real-time Edge
you gained all his other shit like you you’re like that at folks and one of the chief things you gain is fucking calm confidence is the biggest biggest biggest charismatic 25 year older ones that that that create the impression that they give zero Fox and when you’re 45 you can you you have an opportunity to actually give zero Fox and that can be helpful to a younger generation to you know so giddy like I just like smelling my own farts like Cody I’ll say something and then I like making a joke got to hurt it doesn’t hurt because I go out of my way. Is there anything you could just take his that I don’t think I don’t think Dad jokes come as a result of having a kid I think Dad jokes come as a result of being a certain age I think you like Gandalf
the white immediately which means that you just like I don’t even have to be that intense about fighting a balrog anymore I can just be like I’m here again while you were having an adventure I went and talked to the devil
we made an agreement I don’t really give a fuck got my own franchise off to the side and no one ever watches who knows what’s under this robe
is my dick have a big white beard
did you know Wizards aren’t even the same race as man in the toll Converse it’s weird. Like angels to know that schrom know I never got past The Hobbit it’s true why you know when he fought balrog that was like a big deal after after he fell down she was still happening down there is his name or is he a balrog I think he’s the balrog I think there might be multiple balrog’s then you only said two people said yes to what does they’re being multiple balrogs like he’s a bad Angel is a race of balrog I think I think they’re like I can’t remember the name of them but they’re like Spirit still like angels of the good God or whatever the fuck and then the balrog’s are like angels of the the bad God who is not sorry on right he’s like
oh here we go again don’t punish him he’s being he’s being helpful and the drinking cap of the don’t let him bully you whoever I write welcome during crisis or something I’ll never understand what the fuk was so powerful about that ring I mean I guess it makes you a Dracula fun for like 10 minutes and then you’re like me bangs it like takes you to the Ethereal plane or something like that so you think I’m sorry I’m stealing your gallery near me
bring under control of the invisible maybe they used to know I don’t think they make you invisible I think they were there on your hand like the elves made their own right and those are just fine they’re like fine but then he copied the Rings in his like here take all these you Kings
do after 40 that you can’t do before 40 fall asleep if you don’t want to do something you can text people something came up I’ve been using that lately
people don’t want to push the phrase like I said to leave on Friday morning laziness I went to the drawing-room and fucking hung out Steve thought that was happening yeah I mean I didn’t make a big secret you don’t come to work you don’t have to say something came up we just go he didn’t want to come to work today it’s your show something came up you can use that too though now I’m the guy this is all I got man you can you can tell me something came up and not show up but I can’t do that why are you know I know but that’s that’s not me I’m not taking advantage of that because you work so hard I try to let me Tyler Durkee a little bit here
I see Jeff
address wallet
and a jacket
he produced his phone
how’s that working out for you I saw s u r stand for his name is Stu and he’s going to do Bow Wow
and it’s about a different guy
it’s about Kemal isn’t it about the the two shooting guys guy Dave Bautista I think he’s called shooting guy there’s a dog in the poster to date means I should go see in the theater because I can’t watch it on Apple TV and fucking dogs on social style of anything Kemal does and I think him and Dave are great together I would love to see them do another movie together I I no offense to this Dave Bautista guys he was very charming and has a good relationship with him but I would love to see Camille in like a North by Northwest like every man like about the buddy cop thing like like like like oh shit there’s a microfilm in the guys going to Nations back into males like what happened
he has multiple
I think his great love the guy we miss something
I’m happy for texting quite often
missed your text I was just taking a dip
he was a fun influence
what is the movie of it I was like oh shit we can watch it now what the fuck was looking at your own unique messages to remember what I mean my whole life I’ve always known what I wanted to do and then in the last like 3 years I’ve gone I don’t know anymore I do that happens yeah
and it’s and it’s it sucks because you just you don’t have you don’t have an x on your treasure map anymore and I’m both people would say I mean would say that’s actually a good thing because life can be exciting again I know I know I know but I’ve been always unfortunately in this is a problem my life I would go always gone well do this and then after that I’ll do be able to do what I really want to do and I’ve been following that carrot
for twenty years so a number and I found I found out that there’s no carrots and now I’m I will now watch and I’ve wasted my time searching you to waste your time but like I’m lost I don’t know how to even Bob Dylan a guy I think Bob Dylan like he like put metal together like he’s like a good singing guy he’s like you know what this is stupid I want to put metal together like I think that’s all I think the thing that a lot of creative people I don’t know I think part of it is just like humans are designed to be happy like in the middle of something but then when they like feel like they get what they’re achieving or they kind of get some taste of it they’re like actually this sucked and I think it’s like you got pieces of it but then I thought I was like oh shit that’s got to be rental now to your house or is he going to see this bird Box movie where you can’t look at shitoryu go crazy
I don’t know if you know he was chasing me I’m going to go crazy haven’t seen Bird Box I hear there’s a alligator movie crawl came out you know the thing about that alligator movie crawl that came out there was an episode of American Dad where house floods and then a shark is attacking everyone in the house and that’s the movie crawl
it’s an episode of American Dad it sounds of the movie Bait from your but it’s odd that Daniel Radcliffe Daniel Radcliffe is horns right director see that horns movie no Daniel Radcliffe like wakes up when he’s that guy got horns and it’s like mystical realism and I was like okay
wake me when your Star Wars bro that’s me with every movie on my where is the lightsabers now you’re not worried realism unless it’s at so mystical like tracks I don’t like it when people are just like the fish on my toe and then someone else is like boomerang
tree to get Jeff out never
a little a little attempt to cash it in the drawers I seen a lot of Jaws rip-off or whales always in the ocean since the beginning of time really and so Josh came out too I think positive reception and people were in a flurry they were like I will I would also like to make a movie about a thing under the sea that eats people and they’re like oh my God killer whales yes
what week is Orcas I think if they see a shark that fucking annihilated
that Bagel boss guy
he’s a charlatan he was pretty angry pretty pissed off that’s what he thought would make the video go viral and you’re just playing into his hands yeah but that’s okay right isn’t it like well I’ll tell you when I saw it scrolling through my feed being shared by multiple people I was like I don’t like the smell of this I ain’t watching and someone’s like big boxes of fake he’s a phony and I’m like I knew it I smelled the right smell fake you mean he’s so that was yeah. That’s what I know that’s what sucks about it is he’s just like I’m going to act crazy and get online would you think you had a friend tackle him I’m here I don’t know about that I want to find fake is just like he goes He purposely was being belligerent knowing that something would happen that he’s consistently been doing that it’s going into a public face and being a dick head which he got to be on you
worried only for 5 seconds he was going to kill himself and then I found out he’s a person who this is the shit that he rolls around in and I was like like one one other person is not going to commit suicide because of like fucking internet infamy that he wanted it he wanted it and if he wants it then it’s kind of like almost real
they are real do they really wanted to be there when they’re like if it do they really what they want to be responsible for him blow his brains out I want to be responsible for I’d take pride in that I’d hang that on my wall you you’re an asshole blows his brains out you’re being glib The Bagel Boss video on the wall and be proud of it no yes
the purpose of Africa bosses killed
you know we never finished the you never got a chance to explain what the fuck happened with the B’s is as uneventful as it was like I like we introduced the segment and I didn’t notice that did that happen did I not I thought I told the whole story is being like excavated from a wall before what happened all right so the guy did the estimate he was like we’re going to have to open the wall close the wall we were working construction it’ll be bingbangboom the guy comes out he’s like a there’s a retaining wall who gave you the estimate and I was like I don’t know he was like young some young he was like some young guy like this is Anthony and I’m like I don’t know sure and he’s like yeah this is a retaining wall you don’t want to damage in the retaining wall you know mess with the structural Integrity we can repair it but it’s never going to be the same kind of wall and Mike well
they’re still be and the bees are not being used as an excuse by the fifth in a series of children’s Crusades to like make my stereo work we thought it was yeah and now I’ve moved out of the house and probably investing an apple home Pods at least all those children died did the all right so what did they do they just walked away from the retaining wall he was like he was like okay so he looked at it and thought about it but it was like okay so what I’m going to do is I’m going to take down because the retaining wall is up against the hill and so there’s a bunch of dirt so you can stand in front of the wall and and shovel down with a shovel and I was like okay that sounds great news like you got a shovel and I’m like I could get a shovel standing up up where the coyotes go no no he’s up there now it’s the patio wall against which is like
the barbecue and stuff you know that lower wall yeah that’s the one the bees are all up on it’s a little short walk yeah right you know chest-high and kind of just with a garden trowel that I found so he’s using the garden trowel he did it must have been like 5 ft I don’t know like he did it very fast but I was like I feel like you’re going to need a bigger shovel or something is on we did not need a bigger shovel you didn’t need buckets you just kind of talk the dirt backwards not backwards Bynum like the up up the hill and they eventually got he got down there enough and then he turns on the be vacuumed there’s a bee vac you please just vacuum eby’s for like an hour I want to say like an hour and a half in the be vacuumed looked very much like a shopvac that’s just that’s just a probably is probably
is bee boxes like it’s a big you know maybe quadruple shoe box size wooden box and I’m like well how do you know you take the lid off that thing of this is just pees all over the place but I’m not asking questions just take that box and sell it till I go home and farmers who are like not paying top price for like here’s your bee Colony you wanted to pollinate your fucking Orchard was like little do they know they’re like the embattled confuse traumatized angry at the world I asked him what you did with the B’s and he said he puts it in a cardboard box and send it to an enemy
you made a new friend yeah yeah we were great I was like you know this man has elbow know none of this to his enemies that was an embellishment now I thought that might be a funny thing to say at a comedy show at business that would have been funnier if he actually said yeah but he is a Minecraft you can make one but it takes years does a bee man what what states lowering in louder apiarist apiarist apiarist
apiary is a bee thing is like a bee house or something but it’s 8
don’t do now I’m trying to let it go as as language an entomologist anything it’s just a word that means the thing yeah it’s just language and it’s all due to etymology which has nothing to do with insects
find your quest for truth about every word he’s just words I hope you do but there’s bees vacuumed them up put them in his box he takes off the top of this V vacuum there’s a little screen down there the bees can’t come out I don’t know how that happens because the be vacuumed was on top of that straight, so maybe the screen with slides in through something that could be could get out from there I don’t know I didn’t question it had to be in a box there is something like three or four hundred be there is still about 1620 bees made-for-tv he’s kind of flying around buzzing around the outside he got all the honeycomb up out of there and I think he put it in a trash bag I know it was delicious if you a little Eden even handed off to a bear he mention the queen he did not I did not ask about the cleaners in there
you know what sacrosanct in the honeycomb which you removed and I don’t know if you kill the queen I think you don’t kill the queen if you can avoid it but yeah I think you just maybe just vacuumed it up and it’s like it’s like very sick in the hope that was the Queen the bees which makes it more mad why does why does spraying smoke all over be calm them down what a dumb a design flaw of them right I think they can’t see and they just kind of like social life is like oh there’s smoke I should get upset about
tell you this if you’re driving and there’s a fog do you drive faster
you drop more, and I drive slower OK for bees there is it is an exploitable defect in there a fucking Consciousness but they react to smoke that way I think it’s more like when you park in your garage and you leave your window open and the engine running and then you fall asleep and then you die I think it’s more like that yeah they don’t date and I cuz I think some of them I don’t think so I don’t think it’s enough to kill but some of them do I think so don’t get a lot more pissed off when when the smoke is happening I don’t know what does it matter if the bees are pissed or not pissed I’m not going to do anything he’s like impenetrable
if people that made his people that deal with bees all times and make honey or whatever the fuck they’re doing lately there the busy or you can just get Queens through the mail and then like you Queens have a certain life span five seven years or something was like your bee Colony needs to be a little less sluggish than that he’ll get high on the hog at the end of Queen Victoria’s like rain and like you lose the they’ll just pull out the queen put a new Queen in there and the bees will be like okay cool yeah I got like one unexplainable bunch of new mods I mean they’re flying insects that have stingers to take an over like that oh yeah I’m terrified of them extra terrifying when you learn that they’re like super intelligent they have their own alphabet and they like make these hexagonal fucking thing
Jesus Christ this stuff scary shit big they could have like like they just need to be a little more evil and they could they live really have us over a barrel and still there making like ChapStick for us there hanging out other on the endangered list along with every other fucking thing yeah big dummies big dumb shit bees
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you’re on the list along with you do pee Gorillaz you dumb fuck your ass stupid ants if fucking foxes stupid ass Clover EP and deer fucking marmots whatever that is Mammoth sets I’m making shit up now it’s all stupid you know what you should have done
five fingers and a big-ass brain what
what up the rich what was fingers five fingers up to bring up there at 3 just saying is that painful. I told you that was a sixth sense and would you be like what he see that he’s dead up the ass five fingers and then why did you take it there I’m not kinkshaming you but what the fuck dude I’m like making a really Salient point I’m just trying to fill time I want to be here I love it
anyway the bees and then he covers a backup and then he takes the beatbox down to his car but there’s bees outside of the beatbox kind of hovering around there like where’s all the bees going you know he puts it into his car and
trying to get a car and I’m like oh man do bees ever get out your car and he’s like yeah one or two and I’m like man that’s not so he’s like that’s fine it’s like that’s an occupational hazard in the car it is just come to terms with it has been stung a million times he’s just like yeah whatever I asked him about that he said like not like I can’t remember the last time I went, was it a b-1b in your cars are definition of an emergency why is it yellow when was the last time I got like who is president like when he got stung yeah who Obama Obama Obama was President I don’t know I didn’t ask what is there any end to that guy’s fuck ups as a president I know thanks Obama but half of everything else you got that guy’s done
and then he said he takes them to his house he has like a property that has to do anything it just beats just like a quarter of these he just he puts the B’s and like Abby apartment and he just lives there bees that got left behind they love it there have a new friend so yeah I know that’s terrible actually why do they go in the water Thursday I can tell stories and I always liked them out I’ll put them on there. I’ll take a pair of swim trunks or something I’ll go EX coupe that’s what I want on the edge of the pool guy like you know you’re supposedly like 70% of a food web or something and I hope you do well and then the bees like
he works at all out as a good damn can’t believe I fell into a giant vat of chlorinated water
I did what I did three rounds with one of them in and I fucking switched it I was like talking to you you have done this twice like I cannot allow you to keep walking into my pool you are self-destructive and I am no stranger to that maybe the chlorine made it maybe that maybes are four areas in Hollywood I’m in a pool like what are you trying to do man this is where I wanted to go out you’re not in Hollywood
damn
you know that used to call him King bees cuz they couldn’t fathom Queen their you know a woman being in charge all those bees
really yeah I think it was Aristotle who’s like famous the sexiest Godzilla
like it where Godzilla like gave birth to a bunch of baby Godzilla and and and they said I must give birth to say Godzilla is a girl you God damn it why couldn’t God to the people because I’m sorry I refuse to review this movie. Godzilla a girl ballerina but they had a girl it was like a story where they kept saying well as strange because you usually the the mail does doesn’t give birth It’s usually the the others I did you do you remember when we met with those guys when they wanted to do Godzilla 2
I’m older than both of them now we met with those guys that was another career not just mine but I think I think nobody wanted to know but they guys like they’re cool like but we we insulted him on accident how how did you remember how cuz we we said we were we were a movie with a. We were talking about the giant robot movie that we are writing at the time and we were like I like we were like yeah I know it’s going to be it’s not not like your movie it’s going to be like just like old-school like guys in suits and then they aren’t they’re there then and Roland emmerich was like I remember him and smoking with his leg like holding a cigarette like this but I don’t know if he was actually doing
buddy I didn’t say that he didn’t say that he did not say that he said Jewish
I was great day for about an idiot DD it was like Lake gate it anyways but yeah I remember that kind of blanched when we said we mention guys in suits and then they said that they said like Dee Devlin said the Godzilla Godzilla and you said
bullying them but we didn’t mean to but I just think I don’t think we hit it off out of the gate saying well what we wanted to do is take something really dumb and me to watch those old Godzilla movies in the switch easy we just want to make it much easier on you if you wanted to murder I’m like so that’s a good example of like like oh so you’re going through some Lowe’s right now like what’s the real voice of the voice inside your head don’t you think that’s the matically connect to where it’s like you know you’re like what am I going to get a break like wake her like what you do it’s like you don’t want to be on the wrong side of your own personal history and you’re you’re you’re a creative guy that has the answers to a higher calling like the reason for your current woes are precisely because you give too much of a fuck not too much like for Jordan Lee speaking like you you give too much of a fox for then it’s problematic for them that you give so much of a fox that you like
don’t you why do you want your thing to be shity and they’re like oh fuck you like kind of thing whatever like it happens to me a million I mean like like whatever you’re going to you’re going to be like
thank God lake lake lake what’s the alternative to that like it’s called selling out like I don’t I don’t want to be like Tyler Durden about it where it’s like Gucci I think there’s a is just as much joy to doing what people want you to do but
hey you know you’re cool everybody likes you like fucking fuck off you didn’t block off
you guys know about countertransference yes okay moving on is like projecting their own situation on to the client’s situation and give him a bike ride look lot like him with a haircut and then like he’s thinking of a time where he had super long hair and then he he got his haircut and then like someone give me a therapist degree or something and just started where is their business leg transferring like some kind of like weird insecurities about their anything whether it’s physical or not but they’re how is that going by the way I haven’t been he’s had a thing I’ve had a thing we’ve had some things he brought up the haircut for like the billionth time or whatever I was like
I was like why do you think that like if I went to another therapist they would say stuff like this or do you think that’s just you and he was like well as France and I’m like okay fuck are you out of your fucking mind our next guest this is gold over here you know it’s the closest thing I’ll ever have to a son you’re going to have kids right now you judge what I just thought that was an intention that was happening
no I’d like Cody makes the world go round of it she wants kids are going to be kids but like she’s not sure or forever hold your day will be I don’t want to I don’t want to I don’t want to clone my dog or it dies and then they can be friends that need homes and I’d rather rather give another home but I do both I just would rather that I die before Kate
Miss. I used to Tweet stuff like that and then Courtney Love would text to somebody you sounding like you don’t know why I let the kids know that you are not going to worry about it I don’t know I’m sick of hell yeah that way let’s play guess black licorice it’s yummy life is Darkness it’s the 8th but it’s fun that’s like you got your house and then God is a weirdo and the people listen to you
we got to do podcast Rob has a podcast I don’t have anything to say if there’s Rob cast
all I’ve done is rack up a bunch more stories like you have we’re on my end it’s my own doing because people listen to me what you mean is like oh I don’t get fired I buy fuck up and I quit or whatever it’s like that’s the only difference is I get it I get to like tell people what to do the more I let him down you should be like excited about like your dilemma telling you how I feel I think that a lot of people myself included think about their their life in terms of our I’m too old for it to happen like everyone thinks that happened to play Cards Against Humanity what is our dream like I tell you it’s when people turned out to be pretty fun but all right
therapist says I like this like you you pulled a real fox sound like that was a very dare I say like me move my therapist like that we were you were like hey you think if I see another they would talk this much shit like them questions about their profession and then the guy was like forced to open the hood and go like oh well there’s this thing called transference I bet you fucked him up real good well yeah I mean that’s the thing is cuz there was I was not making eye contact with him because I don’t because he asked me to and also he just doesn’t look right and I want to look at that but also I just don’t want I want I don’t want to think about looking about it later if you want to think about what I’m thinking about anyway but I wasn’t a problem looking at you while you’re saying is because you’re not looking at me and I like looking at you cuz you’re great to look at especially cuz you’re not looking at health
doctor Park Place I know it’s true but so I and then I asked him that I was like is that and then I was making the most direct eye contact I was like I’m going to eat you right now and I’m sure he loved that
that’s what he was wanting the whole time I had I had a threshold with my therapist went where I was and I told her I don’t know how it came up in contact but I was explaining to her I told there’s a story that I’ve pulled up here at least once if not twice or more than I stopped seeing because she was crying while I was talking to her about my childhood I bet it wasn’t really talking about like cry worthy stuff about my childhood was more like here’s my favorite book or something and she was like crying and I was like why you crying and she was like a very emotional stuff and it’s like no it’s not the end of the session she was like I feel really conflicted about this I’m really humiliated but you called me out on the Sears before I had some I work done recently and it my eyes are watering and then my instincts when you asked me why my eyes were on and was told a lie and I was like I thought in my head like that’s fine to make that mistake and then to come clean about it it’s
he is and if you were my mechanic it would be fine to lie about it and blame me I’m sure she wasn’t shocked and I hope she never thought oh I shouldn’t have been honest I hope she got the the other messages I should have a dishonest but anyway I was telling that story to my current therapist and my current therapist kind of was like
she basically was sort of like why are you telling me this story
and I was like
I don’t know cuz we were talking about this one thing and she was like are you may be letting me know that you’re like a power user therapy and like I shouldn’t fuck around because and she said she’s sort of had a way of expressing she was kind of like like she didn’t shoot the counter wasn’t like she puts sheet I got the message from her that it was like because that would be a fucked-up environment in which I would have to work kind of it like right after self I was sort of like like like she said what I would say maybe if I was a therapist and someone was like will one therapist one time they fucked up and I guess I would I would say to that patient I would go like if what you’re saying to me is that this is a fucking Minefield like a probably not going to get any quality work done wedding and like worried that I’m going to cut the blue wire into the red wire and chic
oh man she’s like I trusted her more after that and I and I think the moral of that story is is both that yeah bad therapist suck and should be cut loose and good therapist you know one when you got them because I was able to tell that story to her and instead of her being like what a shity therapist holler at your girl she was like like it’s notable that you’re telling me that started like really going to get it was a it was a pathway for us to deepen our relationship and for her to be able to help me even more because I was able to open even more gateway to her because she earned it by reacting like a human being to that story in end end and communicating her own vulnerabilities and stuff and I am not that you asked for advice or anything and you you already know this but like again I like you definitely have the green light to cut this piece a piece of shit
well you seem to have a lot of we know what do you call it like wait put on your looks or you you feel like your appearance is messed up and it’s like I feel like that because I’m at the store like looking at cereal and then like a kid runs by and then like a mom clutches the kid clothes and glares at me as they walk off together like I was going to like just reach out and start like molesting a child or something how people must really think I’m like the living monster nobody thinks you’re a living during the parents who do that to me to be your brat you don’t look like a monster I am I what time I was leaving Dan’s house in the middle of the night and just
can a party or something it was a while back but I was like leaving your house and I was getting onto the sidewalk and someone was jogging by like right at the same time and it wasn’t like I stepped out in front of them like we kind of just kind of stepped out in roughly the same space and she like screamed and I was like I’m I guess I’m just an ogre like I’m like Frankenstein you startled her and I don’t know if I mean having sex I was terrified that I walked out of that gate with and it’s like it’s the the the physical is no lye soap every once in awhile like somebody like runs by or what
ifucking Freetime Yelp yeah that’s what we have but one of those people so it was because they were ugly or monstrous they would be so wrong I was like there was a physical body like coming by me and I fell from the stool fell asleep I’m still here I think he left it doesn’t I mean shoes jacket to go point he can’t really get too far without that stuff he has his phone though long time who’s somebody that’s how do we what do we do the kids is based on Who Wants to be on stage was a horrible people
but inevitably that’s what you’re picking in our Graves not like if I say who’s allergic to clovers and someone who doesn’t want to be on stage in his richly allergic to clovers they’re going to not raise their hand right they’re going to their critical thinkers
and now they have to be people who are willing to raise their hand after being potentially called out as people want to be on stage so that’s already going to be like more fucked up people at this but I think that me doing that kind of actually eases the like I like me calling attention to it like means that if they raise their hand them it’s like now they’ve thought about it in the audience is like this piece of shit that states that guy already talked about it like they’re well aware of the fury music are you doing a music new music I got I got I got fucked up like neurological problems man like I like my car right leg leg so they could do a little raps over making everyone happy and making me happy and I’m like Lake somewhere in there just like I just I ordered like a million dollars worth of fucking shit that didn’t work
I was like I don’t know what it is with me I got my I got I got fucked up shit in my brain that’s really fucked up I got a couple of fans that are like on my cookie collector team which is called jerryboree and they like they’re like I know what that means they know that I’m like in some kind of depressive stay cuz it’s like I’m always in a collecting like 30 billion cookies
cuz got two houses what are you got to be tonight I think it’s just like a sine wave it just I’m not even depressed it’s just sort of like all of a sudden your expression of Happiness become something else like I was just collecting cookies I don’t know why am I not making this thing like I was like learning software and what am I doing I was going to collect and cookies I don’t get it
what we can’t we can’t we can’t call anybody up that that that we only talked about was Bagel boss guy
that almost sounds like BattleBots
cool robot to supplying Golden Girls skin tags and pull your hair and I’m sure is it going to shout out you be requalification covered in them or are you a dermatologist
call Alicia do you like to come up here and if we if we force you to and you have the excuse that we force you do and everyone knows you’re a good person that you’re not you you’re not just yeah
I know I love you
car seat
hello
hi what’s your name hello Jeff Jack Jack Jack who are the who are the guys that walk past me on the Jesus fucking Christ you’re going to knock over the Jeff golub it’s fucking show every week I want to quit and then I give it one more chance and I’m sure Rob who are the guys I walk passing the sidewalk when I was coming in with you guys here I felt like I accidentally offended you guys okay cuz the first time I met Seth Rogen it was like we were walking on a on a lot of some kind of there was someone I was with that like new Seth Rogen and he was like hey Seth it’s me
and Seth Rogen had the idea he was like had this like Seth Rogen chuckle but it’s like it was kind of an endearing thing and I was kind of like in the moment I was there late cuz I saw you guys coming and then you were like smirking at me cuz you’re walking past me and then I had a moment to think about it and then you guys are like we’re coming to see your show and I blurted something like what you look like it or something it was a good at talking
welcome Jack was
I studied organic chemistry in college ran up working as an organic chemist in a research lab and then I got hired in a yeah that’s cool. So like what do you know about
vicious
that’s an answer either of us want if you want me to learn about it or worried about you
is it important to the people they grow and they fall off generally what are they on a cellular level they’re just epithelial tissue like is it a phenomenon like cancer but it’s just like not like a nevus which is like that form for skin lesion in which is just another word for a mole or something like that they’re not technically a talk of the same cells can go crazy and started making more of themselves and you get like a blemish like a mole or a skin tag or in like sometimes that’s just like a seeing as contained and just like falls off or isn’t isn’t worrisome and then what what why is that why isn’t it a zero-sum game if a cell has lost its mind
just making more of it sells like why did why did some of them just stop and make a bowl and some of them become a tumor that kills you are required to make cancer and sweet Asians happen all the time they happen every time your skin cells get hit with sunlight they happen every time you interact with toxic chemicals and a lot of those intentions are harmless and in fact it takes sometimes hundreds of mutations or or thousands of mutations to make something into a cancer
what you almost sound like you’re saying that the things that are are benign that girl on the surface of my skin that those aren’t the result of mutations they can definitely be the result of mutations there’s a genetic component two things that grow on your skin nevi as they’re called her moles are skin tags and the genetic component so something people especially white people have up to hundreds of moles on their body and some people don’t have very many at all
I’m also one of those people form of white supremacy I’ve ever heard
I never I never knew I could get behind any form of white supremacy until a guy with skin tags
being prevalent you’re being so black with like fucking straightforward
I haven’t seen Chernobyl for you yeah yeah I know exactly what’s happening to that guy’s face liking it a little work it’s great you should watch Chernobyl do you have do you have it at home I grew up with Chernobyl
okay so important question here so when one of these things is growing on our eyelids or arms dangling off in like so what about this like science that I had programmed into meals like I’m not supposed to do anything to this I’ve heard people tell Anika’s but I went to my general doctor he brought out a scalpel and sliced it right off after I worried about it for six months he’s like who gives a shit and then other people go with it like if you pull it off it’s like it becomes cancer is there any truths or vast majority will not become cancer is there any reason why people would think that there’s I mean with every so one part of a possible life cycle of a nevus is to accumulate enough mutations to become cancer and whether you and me and so maybe pulling it off is simply encouraging it to grow more like pruning a tree
in which case if it was going to eventually become cancer you’re just giving it a kind of a boost with cancer isn’t so much that it’s going to grow its that it’s going to metastasize it’s spread to other tissues and Tim Cason to shut down especially your major organs we would say that again cuz that’s the definition of really important can’t do it. So if metastasize means is say that again the worry with cancer is that it’s going to become metastatic it’s going to be able to move through things like your bloodstream or your lymph into other tissues but I’m a little piece of bone that decide it’s not a bone I’m going to grow into a big ball of bone the problem is that it actually spreads like lymph nodes and whatever I wanted to add that disclaimer that dumb answer the question to the best of my ability but I’m also not a doctor I’m just a reminder
so handsome in somewhere I wanted to be here and I don’t know that I guess that doesn’t make me a good person or a bad person I mean principal you like like if you thought you were a good person you’d be a shity person you got to think you’re a bad person that’s your only recourse to being a good person
are there a some of the people who are watching through subscription or seeing your face are probably wondering like Dermatology research are you like cheating like do you like are there astringents at the office and things they cuz you have very nice skin and I’m not hitting on you but like your thank-you I actually is one thing I’m self-conscious about as my skin which is weird maybe to hear you say that what are you worried about I don’t know why I mean you’re very handsome by the way is just wonderful looking to me now I just look and I see everyone is like non piles of Bones and I go hubba hubba a question
what is what is your favorite
why don’t you why don’t you answer sunburns
sunburns you couldn’t come into the laboratory with the sunburn
that would be you would yeah my boys would tear my head off if I came in with the Sun burn a little bit about that cuz I’m very very very caucasoid like guy that just going to pull and like I’m I got a lot of British DNA and I’m like I turned pink fast I peel fast like I don’t understand sunscreen I don’t understand I don’t even know what to ask you I wish you could just tell me something to make me not worried cuz I feel like people are always telling me to put a sunscreen and tell you something to make you not worried okay what’s another be true you should definitely worried
yeah I like that I like that you’re saying I could lie to you but I don’t want you to think the coolest thing about suntanning actually is that is my favorite fact about skin really is that sunlight yeah I guess I’m a nerd sunlight in order to tan yeah she have to damage the DNA tanning is a direct response to like getting DNA damage sunlight actually comes in and it mutates or destroys parts of your DNA and then your cells respond by in your skin melanoma and then actually pretty little Shield like if you look at a skin cell under a microscope it’ll be it’ll be like a little Shield of melanin over the nucleus are the DNA is hell
so it’s like a small molecule as opposed to like a protein or something is it itself it’s not it’s like a cross-section of skin and think okay there’s like all these layers so it is melanin like a chemical that exist somewhere in one of those layers that like oh man this is a lot to give you a lot of science SOL
melanin produced in the melanocytes is a special type of cell specifically for producing melanin totally special cell yeah it’s in the basal layer of the skin so the skin has like a lot of other types of cells in it one of them is the melon atlantisite they have these like special little tendrils that like pumping out Melanie pumping out melanin and they actually like ship it off to all your other selves and give it to the cell so that the cells can protect themselves that the cells themselves and no they just produce like a protective shield over the nucleus
adjust the nucleus and it was pretty cool and so and so are our emphasis on like pigmentation with the this week you know 8 billion of us are all like mad at each other ever looking at each other on Facebook and when I get recognizing each other as being from different parts of the world and things like all of it really comes down to like these Shades and things it’s so that the melanin is like a so there is like if your if your genetic Heritage comes from the part where there’s this being beaten by the sun then then those melon nights melanocytes Olive complexion I am
they’re just pumping at different degrees of sunscreen like that it would probably comes in a metabolic cost right as a direct and actually both of those things yet
and so and so white white people are at much higher risk of skin cancer than a people that have like more melanin like black guy gets his sons but it is because your nucleus is exposed to the sun yes although anyone can get skin cancer
second what about Brad a friend of yours that does he ever go in the sun is Brad I kind of wondered a little pic it’s on time but it’s it’s it’s it’s an expression of my genetic code is it a person is descended from East Europeans and British people and it’s like it’s a part of my skin it’s going like this is a good place for like a random fucking kuato like just like Blossom up it isn’t even those that mutation based it is long-term mutation based in the sense that parents are shuffling their jeans every time they make a baby and then we’re all carrying over these like weird random experiments in our DNA and some experimental say like this color eyes are gills or something
but like my DNA is includes all this like static that’s like and by the way have a little like porcupine come off of his arm what he’s 46 and like it has in its own way it’s a function it’s it’s an it it would only have a function if it was it in the sense of emergence if overtime would lead to if there was a chance that that having that thing on my arm led to my DNA from like if everyone found that is incredibly hot and not having a thing dangling off your arm was the gross get him away from me and then and then wouldn’t with this past to my children like growing it on the same spot on my arm
no okay yeah you’re asking basically is there a selection pressure and evolutionary selection pressure on things like skin tags I’m also asking like to the extent that it’s a it’s a it’s a it’s a function of my DNA is it is it is it yet but it’s hereditary to have them but is the current location wise there’s probably predisposed places on people’s bodies with are more likely to occur just like your mom and dad both have one on their eyelid when they’re 25 and both of them grow and fall off but and then they have a kid together is that kid more likely to have a skin tag on their eyelid or just look like I’m definitely not qualified to answer that question but doubtful alright well
what am I supposed to do
what kind of magic
I can probably confirm that it’s not skin tag magic and our skin related magic thank you don’t tell me what I’m trying to say thank you
is she
of marriageable age does she have a brother know I was going to ask anyone’s age anymore I just always want to know how old everyone is 28
so is she your kids history but not these other than that I’m 30 and is she here no you didn’t you visit your sister okay not that much of a track I heard of you
and are you you sound like you Sidle into this Dermatological research part of your organic chemistry like are you do you have do you have dreams that
overflow that cup you like you you ended up there are you happy there or is there a I feel like I’m kind of addition where I’m going by what the fuck should I don’t know what the fuck your fucking lucky man so you’re basically a 28-year old dude with flawless skin are you happy now you’re in the same thing can be
so stop talking
doing what we used to call bitching before the me-too movement
okay what don’t repeat it
have you been me to know
it’s like a chemical peel it’s amazing it just leaves you like it’s like it hurts at first but then it’s like oh my God
The Sounds uncomfortable
well you should see the other guy
alright what’s up let’s do okay you know how we so so we’re going to do a little game here at Jack and it’s called
it’s called it’s called life Crossroads it’s an improv game
that robbed Robin I do where we we take you back to a a point in your life where you you’re wondering like in like you’re thinking like what if I had chosen this instead of that
can you conjure that moment in your head like like and what we will do is revisit that moment
so like the things would be Dermatology or anything else sure that you could also go back to 8 years old and be like what if I had taken piano like whatever you think is like a I really like crucial branch in your life where you’re like I really wish I could know at least and check in on on who I would have been if I had done this instead of that
I know it’s a lot of pressure and I can give you a couple minutes to order I think I don’t know what I would have done differently at one point I wanted to be an engineer I don’t think that’s significantly different from like a research scientist but I don’t want to train train I wouldn’t want the guy making it go choo choo to know a lot about skin
I don’t want to come on and I haven’t done a kind of dilemma you have if you don’t mind of like like like a radical decision that you sink is on the table that you you’re cuz you’re a logical guy and you’re like oh I would never maybe do that but like I would never do stand-up but like at this point in my life I would like think about putting myself in that position being on stage here is like one of those things where I’m kind of like well do something on comfortable with myself show you what your life would be like if you drive okay so here we go so enjoy
what if Jack had done stand-up
instead of German to logical research
okay welcome to the comedy.
Tonight on the comedy hot okay come on people keep it going this ain’t easy Ellen DeGeneres Chris Rock my name is Ellen DeGeneres and Jack
apparently somebody’s on stage and generous there we go put your hands together cuz then here’s Ellen DeGeneres
I’m not used to this format of
show you doing great but I have a few jokes to pair that I would like to do
it would seem that a man walked into a bar
an inauspicious time
I can’t do it all right go ahead
what are you are you a guy you a character in the
I went I was the MC
but I don’t have of the stand-up show of the comedy hunt that I introduced during the show okay alright go ahead meanwhile backstage you said
geez I heard I heard Ellen died out there
not encouraging yeah she’s a better stand-up comic and whoever would follow Ellen on around jail Monroe and ideas my name is David Spade
I also have better in comic and I’m very scared based on what I just heard up there your name is Jack
yes
alright okay alright alright we only have time for one comedy space so we’re going to have to have two Comics go up at the Jack and David Spade please report to the front of the stage man repeat the front of the stage not the back or either was our reporting to the front of the stage all right okay bring it up bring it up two levels of laughter and clapping
look at the two of us don’t like airline food
shut up
it doesn’t matter I can’t I can’t do this I’m definitely a lot worse than a famous comic at this
0 material
shut up shut up
look I got a shovel name
the switch is got a book shovel name of my name is Lauren Michaels in my suggestion is finish wait what was his suggestion in tennis tennis tennis
Pines Lake tennis okay
hello thanks for meeting me out here on this tennis court
I got it must be nice all right well let’s get started playing tennis all right coach
yeah you’re the coach but you don’t believe me
coach how about one of your classic life lessons during a match of tennis
Pimpin me
call Pimpin it’s a thing alright yeah yes and I’ll go
give you that if you when you with when I give you the life lesson you say thank you in a Jamaican accent to me how do you like it how do you like it that’s what you did that’s basically what you did
not cool that cuz I don’t think I’m in the mood for life lesson today anyways or something
you know I want I guess I jumped over the net
skin on my leg is damaged
good thing that before I decided to learn tennis I learned about how to undamage skin you know about skin only damaged skin but your player in the scene we’re improvising a stand up cuz you know because while I was playing a scene at the stand-up Club I also actually as a communic performer David Spade hurt my real David Spade skin
help me Chad it looks
it hurt if I were a doctor I might be able to help you when I can probably just tell you why it’s hurt which is that trauma to the leg you’re right
and that gives me the confidence to finish my set
yo dude estate women be Shoppin entertaining millions of people in it watching his own franchise made in America on SNL Jack learned that his true calling her no matter what field would always be to know more about skin then the people who did it and so it turned out that turned out good. Turns out that your life is good I’m pretty sure I started this by saying that the last thing I wanted was to learn more about skin at this stage right
but I guess there’s a hopeful future in there somewhere to take it in the idea that you’re trapped your traps in your life like there’s a lot of people listening they’re like yeah I wish I could choose tonight work at Home Depot
doing what is that
okay we’ve done more than enough Chef I’m going to do a skin
did you hear my voice
Dan Dan I don’t know how to send Jose a little do a Dermatology rap here we go epidermis epidermis and dermis layer by lipid bilayer that you know what that means
melanin melanin skin you see somebody you like oh he’s got a walk in the park and going to observe that this is melanin oh my God….. Let me in let me get into your heart and my name’s MZ farts I’m just passed gas but I’m also going to pass the test I forgot test wrong
just for this song my name is mr. Jones woo are you different yeah okay what was your name again I can’t remember something my name is m c Fresh Start
I’m from the heart cuz they were talking about farts my God I’m on my card you can order me from the start I’m getting out of here to check one my name is MC
close the show
I’m also leaving
my name is Optimus Prime I’m here to bring the Rhymes I turned from a truck into a man now doing all I can opening my chest revealing the Matrix with Matrix it doesn’t the Autobots transform when you were a kid I heard a team
mr. T mr. T mr. t
how do you end a show with a as they don’t ask him for medical advice
so nice of you to show up
then what your one job pending the shuffle Jack… Don’t ask him about your mold when do you want to plug in ething do you have a SoundCloud or anyting okay alright I got to go buy him a drink but it dropped Rob Spencer Crittenden thank you guys for coming out on a Monday and we’ll see you next week
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