Episode
Episode: 99 – Live From Bridgetown 2014!
Description
Live from The Bridgetown Festival in Portland, Oregon; Harmontown is now in session!
Transcript
hotels in Douglas fir Jethro in the second place is called Portland Oregon City is on the planet Earth
it is my absolute pleasure to pay the harmontown is now in session
the mayor of Hermantown Jan Harmon
Megan
faget
I immediately started crying I want to say that I’m crying why I think it’s cuz I’m drunk I am assuming there’s people in the world with leukemia crying
I am crying because your Donuts are great you’re a great City live in Portland
see a lot of times Jeff when we go to other cities we go to lately
Poughkeepsie and then like there’s like eight people go like I’m here and then the rest of the people are like I drove here from LA because they hate Portland Portland I fucking love it
it is a great town like we got to ask, what’s the guys name Andy is running this thing and I said yes can I be there for 3 days instead of one that I got we just like I’d rather be in Portland than not be in Portland on Sunday and I’m not going to do any other shows are the appreciate that and then I went it was like a gift of the UCB Workshop man that I am I said I’m not doing any shows except if you’d like to swing a cat
try not to she’s in every fucking show side of Seattle I don’t know I don’t I don’t want to have a sloppy show tonight paid a lot of money I am not drunk I didn’t do anything wrong here drunk as a fiddler right now
so drunk and he’s lying up for breakfast
I was hungover we were all hungover we all we all we all know what happened yesterday we all got drunk so then when you’re hungover you drink through it
you don’t you don’t girl I go I’m hungover I’m not going to drink ever again and that’s the rookie bulshit
that will take you straight to AAA that’s for quitters
set all the stand-up joke A is for quitters I’m wearing a we went to Mary’s strip club tonight I made I made an errand I had breakfast at Mother’s which is too crowded now yeah and then I went to Huber’s Spanish coffee back and then three more with a couple of people named Tina and Dirk and if I hope they’re listening at some point in the future cuz they were hilarious and then you guys rolled in and then I made Dan and Erin go to Mary’s Mary’s club which is I think I’ll Portland institution but you kind of have to go there cuz it’s so good to be a strip club in to Zia’s to go to any strip club
you have to be in to Legos to buy a Lego box right
you don’t just go like that looks interesting because because you go there because the girls that work there it’s so small and there’s like weird Theater seating there’s like two rows of Cedar seats and you can buy a drink and pee at the same time like I saw a small selling that like it’s like a boy
but the girls all have advised tattoos and they get up there and there’s a jukebox on stage and when they go on stage they put a couple dollars and it play fucking Tom Waits and shit like that other
another butt cheeks are doing weird yogesh it if mr. University with the boobs but they have boobs that are like like like Jim Henson Workshop kind of dimensional on the sidewalk after we went in there for a drink this is the classic conversation that a lot of people have Aaron turned to me in Japanese said so do you guys have boners
and I immediately went which is the truth I’m like no absolutely not my penis is retracted into my abdomen because I was in a place of grief and Aaron cuz you didn’t think those girls were attractive I don’t know how to be a masculinist in a strip club I don’t know what you do that I walk into a strip club would I typically find is that it’s dead silent and that there’s a woman on stage and that she’s doing this stuff and she seems like a good person either the odd thing about this place is that the the quarters are so close and it was so quiet that you could really you really intimately acquainted with the performers and what I mean by that is that a woman would finish doing a booby booby Wiggles would go over to a three-ring binder and while leafing through it
do the guy to wear left hey Glen what do you like do you like I don’t know the traffic was so hard today and she will you should always take Fountain of this is LA traffic speak but I’m just saying like she was like tacos I did you see Hannibal last night it was like good and I think that’s from a human perspective that’s what’s supposed to happen yeah but from a regular perspective it’s weird because now I don’t understand I don’t understand if you want you said you said Jeff you said do you need to go in there and hang out if I go up to the rail in a strip club and I start just talking loudly about how I think Parks and Rec is cheating because they can cut two people explaining jokes
play as my commander is overblown
a guy behind me is going to have a right to go ahead
what are you doing the strip club
I don’t know why I’m in the strip club
I don’t know what I’m doing I don’t know who I don’t know who I am in powered we’re all in power done what the fuck is going on in here
clothes are just roll around and threw money in the air and heat tacos I don’t know what the fuc
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the theme to like to my own life so it’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker at myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
why is there an orange garnishing your drink right now
as regular day
how many carbs in a glass of vodka to fire
a Negroni that is like with Joe. Of drinks
so you can have Bourbon and compare until we left Mary’s club and I went to Powell’s Books by the way my luck’s with us at Disneyland people that read books are things with pages with words on them that people read speed so I said we we got we got drunk at Huber’s I met some local in a text and I really have to go to Huber’s I popped in there I got a couple bucks and you went and found a bar nearby bar called The Sessions Portland style a fettuccine Jack about southern hospitality Portland Hospitality the only person working in the place was a one bartender
Angie Jamie I guess I’m a Lumberjack maybe I’ll build a new bar next door on a wood would hear in a Underwood ever there hasn’t been a tree here in years what there is is good people and good and good prices
pimento for noticing I’m drunk
complain too so I’m in the bookstore to the desk and say hello I would like you to check if these books exist like I’d be happy to help you and I couldn’t utter a word as I do you who do you want at 10 or you can come fucked up to a bookstore section 6:40 to go by the hospital right now I’m making a mental note out loud right now to get all of the drugs that people gave me last night out of my bag before I fly away
if anybody wants a bunch of Edibles and weed I have to get rid of them
give me Rice Krispie treats mall I can’t bring him on the plane so just hit me when I pop out
sing upstairs are we like we live here at the Jupiter Hotel on the Doug Fir just seriously just ask me if you want all of the shed that Mill gave me last night in the other room I fucking dance till 4 in the morning cuz it’s Portland you just said just feels like you know Portland that I was like I was in grinding an end to impress anybody I was just like fucking dancing at a straw in my mouth on my Solo Cup in my hand is moving elevator goes up cutting people coming up but shaking their shit in my face and my yeah I’ll take that I won’t take that I don’t give a fuk Just Dance 2 sold the floor and it
are there was a guy that kept coming up to me I don’t know if he had this Authority but it kept going like are you ready to Freestyle. Freestyle every half-hour this like this guy would come up and eat start dancing with me I need girl like you wanted freestyle yet I felt like he was friends with the DJ and I felt like there was a point where I could have easily gone up and I could have freestyled wrapped at the thing but I turned my back on it then I felt before we get to your freestyle let us go back to me leaving Pals but I have two new books I don’t need them I got too many books I haven’t read any way I’m drunk I’m leaving Powell’s Books I have a text from Dennis and come in a bar nearby so I can I use the old iPhone to find out what you are and I come into a place called it was called
Portland we get it it was empty that’s the thing like that good that I felt like they were a gay couple just to put a image in your head of their mannerisms like there are two really fit dudes who were very happy and unlike but also they had a weird Freddy Edge to them it was a weird combination and the one guy I would not I would not have said gay couple I would have thought Freddy guys maybe I’m homophobic or maybe I’m like homo Dolittle
I don’t care I love I would love for everyone to get to put my pitching right now for this episode of they called homo Deus
because I was like I wanted them to be happy cuz I felt like they were having a good time together there there was a lot of sexual frustration to the energy and drama coming from them to go home tonight
I felt like they were get and I and I wanted to give them each to votes in the upcoming election to us too late if I’m part of the problem and knew I would like to live in a society where every game and got the three votes what happened before I walked in because I want to live in gate
I’m fired like like everything would be better if they were in charge just very very rare incredibly rare bad gay men
I felt
I feel like genetically they’re better than everyone but these two
I would like to weed them out
all right or make them straight I don’t know what would be the punishment for them they were you make your own decision I don’t know if they fight it but I don’t think they were but I will withhold just as sweet bartender I guess I should say she’s female to Zeb because it seems important we’re talking with sending a stage hair very very sweet female bartender who is a footnote I ordered a drink from her and she said do you want something from the menu and would you like something to eat and I said what I have kind of a dessert menu
Portland #portland
we’re here to fucking like like we’re thinking about you we want you to like it doesn’t happen anywhere ever that’s the opposite of Logan’s Run her job was done
bullet ant
I don’t even get it I love it I love your city as a hero
because then she went over to the other guys and they were kind of dramatic and very fit maybe that’s part of what I’m holding against only looks like they looked crunchy and Abby and 6 Packy and gunny by step easy like they looked good I wanted to sleep with them but so I think they were again
she went to them and they were they were being a French press she got she said one of you guys want anything else and the and the loud like kind of aggressive one who we will call let’s call let’s give him a name stripe stripe the bad gremlin
he said to her she would just having the greatest time looking at you is that rude yeah he was in he was like he was he was feeling his oats was that other friends nope I mean is it now in with Moby Dick or whatever the fuck you bought for me or prove we can still exist bookstore
could I get some movement flashmob hashtag books should still exist got cam
if we get it is fun with your thumb when your bored
great his information of the price of it are weird it’s a weird
even if even if most of the world feels that way no one will feel okay getting on your side of that look it up if I can Google him do you put a Mark Twain book note thing going to write down books titles in and out when I go to Powell’s or if I’m in Seattle I go to Elliott Bay book stores in the world that you want to fight let’s not like I Barnes & Noble piece of garbage when you go to Portland you got you find the books that you wish you had and the end I’m smart
read a book motherfuker
cat reading is for consumers have a writer consumers of what being in two spider webs of Spider-Man a motherfuker you spend that shitt
can’t read what happened to the night
this place inexplicably a Rollin with book to its brightest, it’s it’s it’s it’s a nice place it’s not it’s not really too incredibly sexy probably gay guys
goes over like like he he senses there’s other people are you goes up to Aaron and he goes like what was his entree it was like I hope he’s not with you say hello hello and then he said I adjust chat that I haven’t said hello sweetheart I’ve been extravagant kind of like like hello I’m I’m buying that guy from the other part of the bar I I want your attention now to just fine I love you style you’re so beautiful and then he put in the midst of introduction he said I hope you’re not with him and did this kind of sassy like to to Jeff like with him and Jeff said like like go fuck yourself fuck off
and then what and then he was like I wasn’t talking to you because he came over and I was like being like too much and get your person I just kind of stylus I just think your hair is so cool at Aaron’s I got I got your personality your personality he’s touching up
I meant his friend who’s even sexier friend which is who I assume is gay cuz he’s fucking hot
started saying things like crazy just call my voice carriers
muscular guy in The Duo
I didn’t cheat
Big 5 minute like Blossom of human interaction at one point I heard this guy say
I left the guy you just go away
to be involved before I do something wrong with my fucking phone out because I know where this is going because where it’s going is nowhere and I but then I read a fucking tweet from you that were the guy was trying to slice faces him I was engaged to him I was going to say he would say something I was really young man really you’re going to be people that you refer to is so hot he must be good
because you was on your phone you fuck this guy everyone up who had a problem with his friend who was causing trouble so he would I would I actually engage with him I was like he said I’m sorry I’m sorry I said look I’m sorry too I it weird to threatened to slice people’s faces and he said he said look I’m with my friend I feel like I have to stick up for my friend I don’t like there you go that’s Humanity that’s it in the bottle
are everyone’s going to stick up for their friends the fucking dumb it’s like you guys like you I don’t know if we did it was another fucking music. Said Aaron said I didn’t hear this Aaron said that during the altercation one of them pointed at you and said I’m glad your show got cancelled I thought that you were me I assume more than I was
I don’t know where or were they thought who’s playing
you guys are. JP Beachwood bar yesterday and I landed and the driver named Dan is here are you like Hodor from Game of Thrones love I flew in before you did and they are drivers and so does he know that you know that show got cancelled I didn’t know that I said I I wonder if it went when did that just dropped recently liked that there’s a chance that you were on the plane
they called me I was on my way to LAX and somebody from somebody called me and they told me
the fans of that show have more reason to be upset than I do I can I can go try to create another show and also I got paid for every minute I cared about that show and a lot of
a lot of you I don’t know what you’re planning but paid labor into the show aside light like I got hashtag unless I’m getting a tattoo of this I I love this show they didn’t get compensated for it appear in a relationship tattoos are there was communities anybody here community-related tattoo a shame I’m not sure it’s like the highest compliment but at the same time like I don’t know what to Harvel idea
it depends on what if I don’t know what you sent me is none of your business have somebody wants to weird like it’s a permanent thing and then you throw out your feelings aside like and also you can totally relate to the the hardcore fan who loves Community but now it’s like that’s that’s the end of his show that means a lot to people telling me what to you the fact that smell John I just had emotionally it’ll take weeks to sink but there was somebody who handed out there was there was a literature being handed out right
I gave it to you every time I come to Portland there’s a high-concept gimmick
graphic design just goes to work at a draft table and they eat coffee and then they go home in a weirdly designed like egg-shaped race car bed
that folds up into god-consciousness for 8 hours and it folds down and then they go back out and then and be open-minded for a living I don’t know I don’t know what you people do I love it I’m going to move here
I’m going to move here and have a bunch of babies
Lumberjack babies my kids are going to look like the lead singer of Spin Doctors
defense against Skynet
can I have a microphone in one hand and acts in the other co-owner Harmon
Portland native Connor Harmon was Yul Brynner and we toured the country and it would did Broadway and he died but when I was ten I don’t know why that’s part of his actions as tempting as it is to say no
Pitzer pitster Jesus mr. where is Scoot and I was on tour with with Ryan Stiles and Greg proops and she passed away to return without whose live like that guy whose line kind of thing and I walked in there and I think when I was ten and this is twenty years 25 years later and the doorman there I said I was here as a kid and he goes yeah you cuz your name is Jeff and it is the fucking door man when I was a kid going to a boy because you want me to walk I’ll walk you to your old address again
and he just started fucking me better than you’ve ever been fucked East Coast style
you remember the show I did and he took and we did that show their and I would be a pageboy haircut going to play like a little British kid and that makeup on cuz it was a theater show and I was ten and I went to a McDonald’s my brother who did not have makeup on but we went in there to McDonald’s here in Portland what’s the the park near where the Pfister of the filter of the Spitzer is yeah there’s a McDonald’s and I got what can I get you ladies
what what can I get ya you motherfucker at 10 a.m.
doesn’t mean I’m gay for a girl fight tonight alright they probably more than other people who paid VIP I met some of them in the bar they got VIP bracelets they paid more money to make sure that they could get in not at the waiting line doesn’t matter capitalism can go south but it serves me tonight but what I do want to make sure of is that you’re entertained is James Adomian here
there was a gasp is he here is he shit I heard he was in so you here cuz I was going to be at fucking goodie the festival he just the best Vincent Price impression I’ve ever heard in my life
I wanted to I told him that last night come to the show will do a wrap and then you do the Vincent Price bridge for the rat spiders do they eat
fryers Delight dookie dookie sandwiches
spider is so delightful but like I said no just spiders doing up roster vs spiders the night is a horror not it’s not a good delicious cupcake
what ground beef ground beef anybody James Adomian I got a 20 and James Adomian fuck that guy for you it’s Bridgetown
forget it forget about it
cute commands off doing a different show a man who is so funny last night so cool friends Paul provenza had never met ocean it yeah yeah yeah I’ll do my own invention price yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah rap rap rap rap rap Dan told me before the show that he was going to wrap tonight and that Not only was he going to wrap that it was going to be great
that he wasn’t going to do one of those things like that where they at Bay let it you know I like tonight you’re going to deliver actual like that so yeah
yeah yeah yeah you holding up my crown do I have to hold up my event
yeah yeah yeah to the ground to the sky I fuck your mama in each of her eyes I made her blind so she had depth perception problems yellow reception is a 5K
you want to stick to monosyllabic words that end with a vowel
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah about what’s it what’s on your mind that I wasn’t going to go for 16 measures
doubt doubt doubt doubt yeah yeah yeah okay all right okay yeah
that’s still just I’m just feeling just feeling to be I’m in Portland the land of trees and Sky why ain’t you ain’t Seattle tell me why because it’s too far north into fucked up yo Portland is what’s up it’s it’s a beautiful place for the trees book your mama’s so hard that you fell to her knees and chief
she begged for more she said let’s go camping make your dick into a s’more I said I’m out of chocolate and crackers no don’t know what you doing but I got Financial backers go to Kickstarter trying to get a new season going to fuck your mama so hard don’t got no reason to fuck your mama and your dad fuck your mama so hard she said it wasn’t bad
you can do it better put your daddy in a Superman sweater and he
many met his own it was a new form of emasculation he was owned
chair
play quealy acting like you didn’t care but the truth is he was emasculated but your mama’s so hot
bucket good
alright thank you thank you for support second screen to the old to the artistic GLA don’t know I got to an end to the defunct your mama on the side but your mama’s so hard that it puts he got wide Rogan train from fuck your mama like my name was Ben-Hur got in my. Whip and Nae Nae next to me talk to your mama till she had a hysterectomy don’t sorry about that though it’s fucked up sorry
sometimes the science drops if you don’t know you become a cyclops you got one eye and you’re just looking at the beach side turn your mama toes fucked up
surgical to clinical uncool it’s not cool
can we go one last one last verse, from the age of the P fuck your mama from the stage of the Day affect your mama all around your mama with my vision put your mama with my sound. Said fuc U all right
Portland Portland unwrapped
got your money’s worth the rest is gravy
joke
but here you go. So hard she had a hysterectomy
when you Rap God moves through if it’s God’s misogynist is not my problem
when she likes her so hard that she was like there’s no way I’m not pregnant
elective surgery
thanks for having me guys
Alright by something strip club there’s a misunderstanding but when you said that your penis retracted I instinctively I had a really pretty so I’m sorry for the misunderstanding because you can’t even know if your role as a feminist coming out of a strip club is supposed to be like but I don’t even have a boner there was nothing sexual about that and then you can follow that road it doesn’t lead all the way to Rome
okay so then you got like I don’t know they were the only person who knew why we were doing that
he doesn’t know I was taking
here with us
places in orders at the stage which I was happy eventually that he made me do but I was going in because it was presented as a spectacle and then I walked in and there is like the person who is doing this dance that was great and I didn’t want her to feel like I was making fun of her relationship as Martyrs their victims there and I could give a dollar for like certain things that I like when she did the thing with her but like the I was like I’ll I really like that
Lauren turned on by any performance in a strip club and I’m not saying that that’s the goal because I was
sweaters
lady just do the guy in a sweater treasure club and there is a woman fully clothed in a sweater and just sat there and said that the name of the teacher assistants when we just be like girls sitting at a desk at Slammers to push that meeting okay yes sir that would be a boner when I was the winner for the dragon tattoo on their back and they’re like they’re spinning around the pole which is a good thing I guess
but you wanted to fuck those two gay guys in the bar there are probably but but I want to tell you what happened while you guys were in there getting these sweatshirts just because this is another thing what do you do about strip clubs what do you do about sexuality what are you do about panhandling alright in La we have lots of pain and loosing Francisco we talked about the panhandlers they I think the San Francisco panhandler population has been subjected to an undue amount of stress panhandler in San Francisco he’s living in an area where it’s like it’s Eternia in the Eman Universe like that everyone has to be an action figure that they had some of the worst most Draconian mayor’s there’s no such thing as just a guy in an army jacket that needs a dollar that guy’s been fucking brushed off to like down the coast in San Francisco someone’s panhandling you he’s going to fucking teacup on his head he’s got Under Armour made of the Furnace door like he’s got a gimmick
magic trick to do when there’s a panhandler who every time you walked by him he would propose marriage but I’m very sincere way that we had an agreement so here’s what happened in Portland outside that strip club well Aaron went back in to buy her T-shirt with you there’s no moral to the story I’m just sharing it there was a woman walking down the street I would characterize her as I’m I’m pretty sure she I think her poison was drunk I think that she bad but I don’t know I’m not a social worker I don’t know I’m just not my job to judge her or our praise her know what she’s into or whatever but I felt like looking at her I was like yeah she’s she’s like me in 20 years and she was like and then Aaron
I did I did say that I said I got this
she said dude and a hold of her sign like she was my old friend and she’s like you owe me $5 and I just I was following definite but I didn’t know you got a busy I bought you guys $90 worth of Mary’s Club swag so I gave her I gave her a $20 bill and she gave me a hug and may we held each other and she said I wrote it down if you walked away she said I don’t normally hug people but you did me a favor and then she broke the hug and as she walked into a the complex housing complex next to the strip bar and she said and you know what I’m talking about she turned away I don’t know I don’t know what you’re talking about but I feel like two minutes later cuz you guys were in the strip club buying the T-shirt Lou Reed watch another couple a couple lock bags
I was like a homeless couple to self-identified homeless couple on that she had
sores on her face like kind of like it was more of a messy thing not like an alcoholic thing more of a speedy thing and she said I wrote all this down cuz I wanted to talk about tonight she said like can I get some money and I was actually I was like I did literally I I gave all my money to another person I’m sorry and she said she she said we’re crackheads we’re homeless males around here
that’s fucking interesting because the first lady just wanted booze weird as I what when are you a good guy when you get back I use a panhandler’s he told me once what he does do
it kills I don’t have the balls to do that
when he sees the guys in La I don’t know if this is like in every city but I do know why there’s like we have a infrastructure that supports like guys rolling down the street with a shopping cart full of tin cans of that go from door-to-door that they’re fucking working hard way harder than any of us work getting like very little shit to the give to a corporation that gives him a couple pennies for their tin cans and Spencer said he doesn’t give the panhandlers when he sees those guys that pulled over Runs Out gives offers the money I love it I mean it’s that seems like in Spencer was like but it’s almost darwinian to is creepy as I should
did they die guy laying in the street and I’ll lay a homeless person in Portland like it’s cold at the Milwaukee every year as the second coldest city or the first coldest today depending on who you ask the ask somebody in Minneapolis don’t they died yesterday that that that there’s a homeless population and they die every winter they die off like mosquitoes
Summit I’m not making a joke, but I’m saying like that’s the horrible things that she would beings like you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah marble setting is it is a they die off the horrible thing is like it’s a part of a biosphere when you see somebody is sleeping on the at the bridge from the southwest side to downtown and it’s just people like sleeping on the middle of the bridge on the on the thing and you you just walked by them is so weird and so can others to do that’s the thing is I know you shouldn’t have anything to do and there were some of them that were like laying down you would dedicate all your energy until you had that moving up that’s the liberal perspective is that a society should be judged by how you treat your your your lowest tonight
people think that life is a competition and that when you see them that they’re losing their losing it is so for me to identify with you means I would have to lower myself in that in that chest game might I hate it this is the worst
Homeland death
homeless homeless deaths every winner
the culling homeless deaths homeless deaths what do you think of this situation with which panhandling the homeless the would it would it went well yeah it is darwinian you encourage the people who are working and you let the others you know be cold against it sure some people make it work but you know
what is a mean one day you know any day now they’re going to come out with a pill and they’re going to go this is Blaine Fowler and and they’re going to it is going to be like schizophrenia fantastic but then they’re going to say they’re going to look at Spencer and an errand and Jeff and me and they’re going to go by the way
you wouldn’t get hurt by taking this either you don’t talk to fire hydrants however you you do cry at when you’re watching Tron
that’s weird
don’t do that. You shouldn’t cry when you’re watching Tron what’s dumb what part of trying makes you cry
why isn’t a mental illness is not a mental imbalance
that’s true the light cycle part about that part I just sometimes
there’s no way out of a life cycle race without the neutron even though you’re in a computer there’s still a guy at the arena that goes
in the computer that’s like the Tron Arena guy
why is everything always why is there always an embassy in a post-apocalyptic
why is there always a Richard Dawson in The Running Man
try not to seem like like like send it down with a computer program in your computer that’s what those do job is to wear a weird hat and going there was a need for the Thunderdome host he’s just like a localhost HD resolution there’s always a guy in a world that has to be redefined there’s always a guy that is the voice of The Sensational need for blood lust yeah
banjo banjo World you’ll be subject to automatic D tuning
how’s the weather in the four types of strings adapt the strings that don’t adapt to Strings that snap and the strings that are lost
play all right. Did you want me to throw in that you know that you’re the you’re the fascist propaganda lord of the arena in a blank world world modeled on Chuck-E-Cheese restaurants
you’re right it’s hard
alright nevermind sorry sorry about that turkey cheese is a blessing from God damn what the fuck I do like I do
all new people must have ham stamps for their parents
all be crushed by the ball pit you only get six tokens so use them wisely you may use the pool your tickets to get a worthwhile Prize or spend it all on Tootsie Rolls
let’s go
God damn it never showed up at sucking cock good man I would have been a wrap and then it would have been like spiders Delight price breakdown more than anybody’s I have to wrap and then I have to also do the event provides a nice break from the rapping to to get into there I just one taste just to show him just to show him how bad I am
just a little lick yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah mama and her I fuck your mama and her mouth but the advantage of the west north east and south fuck it fuck your mama in a lazy way improvising lyrics all day but your mama Monday to Tuesday. Stupid dumb hold on let me know if it’s a price of one in the audience that is great. Yeah yo smooth creamy yeah yeah chocolate Free Willy Wonka in the house yeah chocolate treats chocolate candy
and talk to your mom has hired as a fucking can talk to her how I talk to her a little soft fuck your mama in a apartment function in a loft
somebody else joined in and talk to your mom has a coin in hold on give me a second yeah yeah yeah yeah yo freestyle rapping the floor is under my feet of what’s your mama’s so hard she was like Amanda Peet to say I think that’s an actress I thought your mama on a Clive Barker mattress and when the blood went down it resurrected a zombie man and he came to town yo it’s time for a new franchise Hellraiser french fry
okay thank you come on oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah freestyle rap yo Carmen Rappin time y’all going to rap right now put your mama and yo hold on Jesus Christ second yeah yeah yeah yo dancing up your mama’s so hard her name was Billie Jean I was like Michael Jackson with the glowing sidewalk affect your mama’s so hard she already said that I said that before
Ohio G8 curds and whey just like Little Miss Muffet the spider came down for your mama in her makeup to look like a clown to enter I fuck your inner ear but your mama so hard she couldn’t hear it we went to a brain and went downtown on the train she went to work and made a good wage about your mama so hard she Rosemary and Sage to use those things when she was cooking she still tingling
I’m not sorry I’m sorry sorry sorry but your mom is always the last true that you look in when you find your mama she’s trying to hide from me, from people in the church steeple what’s your mama in the Belfry in the tower what’s your mama’s so hard she took a shower and she rolled and crying and she said she’d washed it off of things and Vincent Price bridge, in her armpits but too many feets what’s your mama all day I didn’t want them to Win It Anyway
but she died me she told me to do it. Your mama’s so hard her name was read through it. It’s a friend of ours
where is shout out now
cannabutter in the basement but your mama’s and nothing stupid hold on trees redwoods and Vine
started to feel fine and crossed the nation but your mama’s so hot she gave up masturbation always kept coming to me give me some more I said okay one more
put it into my neck
he said don’t mention me by name I said yo you’re just another Mama they’re all the same I’m just going to say your mama she was like that’s cool even though my name is Obama it’s okay to make up a word like that
God damn it all right
Fisher-Price Joe Bridges from Ocean to ocean in the world
give me a second.
I bought your momma in the middle of a bridge I fuck your mama and it was he had a red jacket I look down as it it what is that she said it’s a little tiny Manhattan don’t talk down to me she said well it’s it’s the clitoris
and I did
and I learned how to love in a different kind of wave from God above in a unifying with her and we were two two people just
Fighters coming everywhere
spider, going crawling all over the place
years of the zombie incense dug themselves out of hold third world countries
feeling terrible about themselves Vincent Price bringing the morbidity
into a popular music
Dan Harmon
I feel like you and I feel like we failed. Unless the rest of the show goes well you can all of your money back
and you can talk to Squarespace about it
I just a bit of DnD for the people
musketeer characters sheets dispensed
every young girl thinks that her clitoris is a tiny hat
for sure
Dad
all right. Spencer it’s been a real long time since I have any idea what we’re doing have an excuse
that one was a thinker apparently if you can manage to music so okay when we got here merendino gave me a donut one of those donuts I like it was good it was a jelly doughnut I don’t really like jelly donuts I throw my stuff out of in the hotel then I got to register I got my wristband stuff and then went back to my room to take a dump and I was sitting on the toilet and I was glancing around as you do and I was like I saw a wastepaper basket and you know Hotel cleaners they clean up things before the guests arrive and stuff so little was in the large was my surprise when I saw there was apparently something in one of these wastepaper baskets and I was like huh that’s weird and then like I feel like the story would only be enhanced by this I mean probably not but whatever
then you were right to take it all back
I slowly
tip the wastepaper basket towards me to allow myself to see into its depths
and I see it looks like like a tissue paper and inside is just all red
and I’m like okay I guess that happens you know it’s natural that happen but it’s somewhere like I always say and so but I was really just not clean my room
and then I looked at a further and I was like oh that’s just the jelly donut I threw away
roller coaster ride
we thought we found the one bad thing about Portland and it’s really just a place you can come to confront your own love of donuts it’s everything so pristine you know if you see something a wastepaper basket and you don’t remember throwing it in there it’s really terrified to say whoever is in charge of cleaning our hotel room here at the Bridgeport Comedy Festival at the Jupiter Hotel I’m so sorry for my fiance Aaron say you admit that right like you like like there’s crumbs everywhere and
I just like to see everything I have at once
when Aaron move goes into a hotel room she explodes edge of the room
work as a maid but I made it made it no get it
I don’t know just like clutter if it wasn’t a big deal like I think they’re gross like if I was leaving nail clippings are like hair like that’s that’s hard to brown bag of Chex Mix is systematically like a lane at all over the floor before taking a bag of Chex Mix and I literally thought I guess I was the last one last night and I got back to the room and I was like I got my iPad and I started playing this movie that I start watching on the plane and I took the check minutes and I just put it on my chest
all right all right
all right what are you got what do you think about interrupting bodies of water the Minotaur to escape the underworld and soon the city everywhere with the help of the curse breaker who demanded cigarettes
so when was off to the cigarette Museum despite Sharpies initial resistance he quickly Rose to the challenge but as soon as he was inside you encountered a massive bust the but a giant head made of cigarettes Bill Maher to get himself the smoking cigarette Didi was upset about the trespass put sharpie seem to calm them down through level-headed discussion as Cork and Chris de Burgh arrived the game was worried they soon found themselves enjoying both the smoke a Bill Maher guns and the Magical restorative lifting their skull purses
I thought the magical tarragon to exercise Christopher but how would they get it inside of a bag I don’t know probably not there find out
all right
Aishwarya Rai questions do you remember that kind of lighting dynamically lip I’m here at Destiny smoke issues from his mouth and he’s like what do you know somewhere right no shit
what are you looking for the chair at the Tarragona virtu weird or you’re trying to get cigarettes that’s why we I apologize we we came in here to get cigarettes
because the they were these other guys that I can’t remember it was like 6 months ago that’s okay great question no I was not I build this city with my own two hands and I over-thought with the best of my ability but soon I realized it was not enough that drive powered me how are the city granted me this poor man immortality with which I can maintain and upkeep the workings of Bill Maher against what are you into
I like smoking and riddles you like hot tubs
no that really puts me out
cuz wait well-deserved
why do we want the cigarettes again you guys were trying to get the school curse is lifted but with Bill Maher to get he actually cured you of your skull curse
Krystal Burgers Chris left it I think write the name of the city in the world with adventurers I know I kind of just want to let you know he got over my city
well riddles if you answer this riddle collect correctly it will let you show us to the Tarragona virtue I like those odds what is 5 small and red and blue never sweet red red but blue red and blue and never sleeps maybe I don’t know about purple blue purple van build a siren sounds like we got some of the Doraville emergency is happening until you see the flashing a blue and red life was just coincidental
good morning energy that is it is it other people coming you better get out of here
I don’t know I exist in the bucket and get out of here I’ll shut and all the cigarettes that composes his former sucked you know to their butt or whatever good luck
I put the ass in a little bag and I put it in my pocket
I got it I got it I have a I have a portable if you get into a portable hole if you climb into one can you just fold it up from inside and just hang out I don’t think so on the outside could do that though but we could jump back through the portal right yeah you have a bucket lift you Jeff that I goes to the gnome bathroom to the bathroom
high jump into the bucket of bathrooms you do that I also I also jump in there’s something you’ve never seen before it’s a weird chamber pot made of porcelain it’s got a little handle on it I open it and look into the contents there is but but water in a hole I put my hand in the hole
it feels it fits your fist just exactly as if it was made for it and I got to lie, this is a good chamber pot
I go to the door of this of this room and now it’s open it up you open it up and you see it’s covered in clutter it’s all just paper there’s nothing useful can I have the paper can I can I ask you a sidebar question about my character do I have to poop
it’s really up to you man I mean you kidding me
that’s crazy OK I have to poop
you have to poop if it’s up to me I I I tell these guys like it’s up to me when I have to poop I want you to know that about me you should try and see if you could be situations where there comes to our advantage this probably isn’t one but I want you to know but I am different from every every everything on Middle-earth it’s up to me when I have to poop I’m like a job I like a dolphin’s heart beat is well and Terry doesn’t tell me if it is a dolphin he was going on what was it huh
whatever that’s just as magnificent
whatever you thought it might have been a dolphin it’s a fucking gray dark shiny object coming in and out of the water for air every couple minutes just to find it’s just weird like why would he play at the Great Dark shape coming out of it they could have been could have been your friend from college
interrupting is very distinguished fin
do you like the anyways why is that have Dorsal fins I guess it might have been a dolphin then
everyone is way more upset about this than I am
well it’s weird dude is tripping animals because you did not know. Real river dolphins from my first 10 seconds I was a sea lion and I don’t care what does gorge what was a fin with a dorsal fin apparently
that’s what I saw
how do you write a dolphin no sorry just so just so I know you said that there would be certain situations when you having to poop would be advantageous for a sit-down Spencer and I poop you said it’s up to me I’m hoping it’s not a big you got to make I contact with me
you just don’t use a lot of hot guys with me I’ll tell you anything you want to hear
but now but now you need to know that I’m pooping while you talk to me then pooping
how are you what are you what do you what do you want to achieve in this lifetime touch other people like I want them to know that I was here
what do you what do you want them to remember of you
honestly I don’t I don’t I don’t need them to think that I was good or bad I want them to I just want to be remembered I want to be specific I want I want to be I want them to want to be Irreplaceable I want to be going to be singular
I assume either up to you or to me I don’t know when it when it when it falls share price for a shopping I feel like we would I don’t I feel like too many too few people would have known that I was around that’s what terrifies me on the bridge that was
yeah but I don’t think was going to do my name I don’t think I know that
I would just like to
I feel like none of us get to live forever let’s not the goal that’s not a real life
does it stink you guys are you going to go in here the doorway to the to the restroom okay you walk into this
I keep watching those things happen all three of them
and as you walk into this room you see a pile of people he bit start to move and shift and you see a hand emerge and then I face it’s a it’s another known believe it or not
damn what you doing in here
What you talkin bout Willis what my name is. My friend is in the other room
I want a very upsetting.
Am I supposed to say something we seek the Tarragona virtue Jesus Christ
that’s a person in this world that grows on the Isle of paradise I am I having this conversation who are you guys a bucket of a portal
but first damn I got to be honest with you we were pretty drunk
all right that’s normal Weezer.
I feel like we should fight or something this is normal I leave I leave Shar-Pei and walk into the room with a paper and then Noms please damn I guess I knew you were behind there and Siri I’m taking a shit
if I can smell it weird grass we have no quarrel with you and I said yeah yeah yeah this is just very weird circumstance do you even own a home interrupting this paper room
I’ve been worried about getting in my bathroom. True
Paragon of virtue I’m so sorry we had we had a transporter bucket and that’s why we’re here and you seem so nice that I understand why you would be scared will you accept this and I produce for my bag God’s I made out of yarn I will
this is this is a token of friendship we like to be your friend you seem very nice and nervous. Thank you I thought about it and I guess we will just leave it anywhere so what happened
I’m not sure you’re out of it because I don’t know if you use it but I’m done pooping and there’s nothing in here but me and my poop
please wait will you come with us on an adventure to that Isle of paradise I might be able to help him part of the Sacred order of The Seekers of paradise back but it’s my life’s work I think it’s something to brag about
can we grab some supplies from your kitchen
where is the best anybody if anything fabric
call anything I have some thread in my bag I took out the road
wrap it around your head so many around her hand so many times I think that because we are closing time I think that Sharpie might have to wrap the whole message out to breakfast right now what kind of weird weird you must feel great
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
all right what’s what what’s your name young lady
Kimberly Kimberly what’s your name Devin Devin I don’t know what to do with that information
telestory Dan Forrest
yo yo yo yo yo yo Portland land of the trees rhymes with knees and yo yo yo yo I plan to the northwest of what your mama cuz I wanted to prove I was the best one that competition fuck your mama and she gave me to wish you and I went to University of Portland is there a football team is called the coffee coffee people
yeah yeah and basement so hard I made the federal case of it
she said okay case closed
acoustics
we’re going to
do a soft supposed to a nice sweet song for Portland let’s listen
what’s looks real that’s the thing. That’s not right
yeah
thank you guys so much you waited in line and how much did you pay what were the tickets how much 25
25
Financial colors
wrapped around harmontown pee is yellow and poop is brown
Portland friends
have a means to an end
you eat yogurt and then you do yoga in Portland in the harmontown I fucked your mama so high
in your front and back yard
in town or pee is yellow and poop is brown and Portland is the place to go and I fucked your mama so hard I went below to the basement talk to your dad and I didn’t allow them up anytime
cuz I had no rhyme but your dad was into it and if I talk to him in the eye and in his armpit and he found it therapeutic and
cuz he’s
cuz your dad loves doing Park
what’s up
your mama so hot
Justin and put these around me
I won’t say titty.
Put your mama good enough cuz your mom is from Portland and she deserves better than me your mama’s better than me
don’t don’t don’t ever think that your mama just deserve to be fucked by anybody except your dad
I don’t know what my message
I just know you’re a good city but I know if I just say that it’ll feel like Pandora.
Are McAfee Spencer Crittenden
sorry if that’s what Sergeant Mystic
your mom has totally capable wishes Novas for capable than anybody you both are either your fucking mom is a community
bigger thing your community
but we could still win the fight weight because I’ll just do another show and it’ll be all right
harmontown
I love this guy in your ocean
play the playlist everything’s made up everybody run for your life
Life of Riley on 10th and Castle what’s your name Lauren Lauren
what’s your name what was it run by a quick ride
jump name what’s your name
how far is Charles mom
Sean’s mom, part 1
the show is over it’s already over
truck driver
what’s your name 7-Eleven
what you have described how do you know when you’re finished
Cheryl Scott
you’re not running with me at the bar
all right I’ll see you at the bottom
I love you so much you guys in the cars in the world
cigarette here at the Ducks first met when I turn down play some music for us