Episode
Episode: LIVE From UCB East in New York
Description
Dan’s in New York for a project and Harmontown does a small intimate show at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater East. Daily Show writer Rory Albanese swings by, Absinth is drank. Drunk? Dranken? Whatever! Watch the video at Harmontown.com/live and become…
Transcript
from the East Village New York City
ucbc Eastside the cool one
Hermantown is now in session
Dan Harmon
yo yo yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that’s the best Borough
East Side East Side rap give me a second
give me a second name a site website
alright starting over starting over Manhattan isaburo Eastside the Bronx is a bro Eastside Staten Island’s bro
Fuck You
Ronan Farrow
are there pure Marlboro fixable
I’ve memorized them based on the fingers on my hand like Papoose or whoever that rapper was
baby I’m racist yeah yeah yeah I’ll take it racist East Side rap my ring finger is Staten Island cuz all your mama’s going to Thailand that’s a street in Staten Island you don’t know as much about New York as I do my middle finger is from the Bronx cuz I’m like
when I look at King Kong was a do your character
famous to me yo 9/11 happened here why are we talking about that don’t do that in your rap
terrible way to start your New York rap but I don’t give a fuk that’s New York Style walk with a Swagger and I walked for Miles cuz you can’t get a cab if you’re truly is awesome cuz you usually black if you are
yo white belt white gel wrap Eastside racist white giltrap I love black people what you think about that walk my dog always pick up the crap cuz I ordered
what the government
but only the local one the one that government
local government
Cenex statutes motherfuker 7712 5.8 park park with your wheels turned toward the curb motherfuker that’s more of a guideline that they teach you to avoid with your damage to your old car or hurting people but it’s still a Civic social contract part of the social contract
take the garbage out bitch
but if its shape we’re doing on Friday
call them tell him there’s a Christmas tree out here motherfuker
they’re not regular garbage that’s just you just put it out there on Wednesday
yeah yeah yeah
Eastside Westside Panthers hats I fuck your mama at the under the sea Dance of Marty McFly I got them together I said I’m on the light gentle
Ed Edd n Eddy Ed during the opening of Forrest Gump
fuck it like a feather
I thought your mama like a CG feather
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I don’t have a head for DJ coil right there
DJ Clay
all right
yeah yeah don’t get it confused with DJ guy he’s
yeah
yeah I guess I’m also I’m so New York that I am I love my people in Juice
I use their words for non-jews
to refer to us
it’s kind of like the N word for goy them like we said we we I call you a good boy
cuz I’m Street Subway invented streets bitch you say the n-word likely to be authentic like like what I could be listening to make me seem like a bad person what they say there’s no way to dip a paddle in that stream
I’ve never I can’t even conceive of it little old me you know where for Sony anymore and BC your freestyler man you’re a horrible clickbait like you could use this beautiful moment and times you just spread your wings
I feel like you’d love it if I did that and I feel like you’re a bad person
but but but you but you were going so
what you call me
we’re here at the
where it where here are they were in the East Village around here and I and I look at the bricks and I really understand everything about the city actually could you enjoy living in the city are functional before that and I just do everything I don’t want to give myself excuses but I believe I don’t have a sense of direction you’re not supposed to Define yourself very limitations you’re not supposed to say I’m bad at math textbook
and word
it’s another but I just I feel like I gave that breed that New York are and I just want to fucking life. I want to put a fucking flourish on this I do know I don’t mean dehumanized Blackford said when I said it’s like I’m making you and you and at the Statue of Liberty
end the end the end the pretzelmaker
you want a beer New York salty pretzel makers that you have flown in from Chicago so your pizza tastes right I don’t know what to do if your your your your your Bridge your Bridges and tunnels in the crowds that did it come through them and then across them and and how wonderful they all are what it what a great city is better
comedy show I got some I got some jokes if you say something
that was great that was like we were like Nichols and may or pickles and pickles and puberty
we were just like pickles and they were great they were they were they were they were the first stair used to be to Center squares in Hollywood Squares and pickles and puberty has died so far as they they they they they changed it this is one square now
Center squares it was the Hollywood Squares with an idea of that right now original recording of the of the of the Hollywood Squares episode
come and come and come there come from
what time job
from Jill
well I’m Thomas Edison’s motherfuker
I did my business is things you didn’t expect it’s called inventions look it up please
Thomas Edison said the n-word he invented the n word
under on the radio version of Hollywood Squares but he meant that hatefully
he he he he he
yeah he’s not late like at the World’s Fair in 1921 Tesla Tesla unveiled alternating current and direct electrical he called the mother
yeah he said he looked at the seventies like this is this is blank rigged you know
what are you doing you can’t electrocuted elephant with this
Thomas Edison electrocuting elephant
now that you’re quoting historical that you’re a tribute to hit History Obama said you’re allowed to cook
your lifestyle races he’s exact Galifianakis looks like Marc Maron
that is
super racist you’re all the way back to not racist I think all podcast is a Greek anyways we’re here at the pieces and a fire hydrant that was used to put out the original New York fire 1830 I back there with Wikipedia I know it’s a first time buyer
dead battery back that it was legal to own them as pets and and like people would bring them and they would just like the Ellis Island was actually like originally called yeah because it was overrun like they were like cats like you ever go to like a like a restaurant in Miami like there that many that many great like they were they were they were the cats of their time
yeah
people didn’t know how to spay or neuter them but we didn’t know where to start there was like because we would look at that we look for their privates and we would just see you like a monkey things we didn’t know
we didn’t know we could fight we could find a dog penis in a cat penis but we went looked at monkeys there was a problem
because I don’t know why it seems like that would be the opposite would be the case you think you would go and I know exactly where to look and I know what I’m looking for I think that’s why cuz we were looking for something that looks like a human penis butt munch ified and a 10 instead we saw you know what a monkey penis looks like a it’s a it’s a it’s a gnarled little it looks like a claw
how did the fire start
monkey penises are covered with Titan I think you pronounce it like a like a mollusk shell or a rhino horn and an N like they’re hard as glass they have the texture of glass and there and there and there are there and they’re like white and Ed like they and they curve and taper to a very sharp point and so we thought that was like a fin or a or a knife and we do for a long time that you couldn’t you couldn’t swing a cat ironically in New York without hitting a monkey
add Joe what is it was one of them that was the fire of a sudden it was politically it was blown out of proportion because there was an anti monkey sentiment in New York with mayor of New York and he yeah his his his they called him yeah they called him the sugar boys the cartoons where is Boss Tweed just got a sash that says mayor but then he’s in front of a trough that says Israel and
and then there’s just the sugar but the bags of sugar for some reason
well he yeah because they because he was it was all I could eat if you if you if it’s monkeys like we’re around then they should everywhere and then she was like all the municipal like like like like good back then municipal government was just drafted was just tweeting of costume as I got it this is hard I should have overtime you can have it cuz there was no all of this was happening on the radio so no one can see that this is the same guy you said stuff like this is literally the same guy that go what are you an anarchist do you like Sacco and Vanzetti or let’s go do whatever you could get it exterminated for saying that stuff back then I start
the legend is
that’s the thing is that it was all the truth is
the truth is the absolute truth is the actual fact is it was it was it was it was Native American started the fire
that’s not a popular thing to say in 18
uup there were Native still Native American like cab drivers and like a Manhattan is the city of the Indians was now we fucking killed them I don’t care I care about that I can’t say I don’t care yeah yeah yeah yeah how could we do to them how could we have been back then if we were the Savages we were the monsters Redskin white skin what’s the difference when you put a bullet down you going to get them some Givens they’re like monkeys to come from Alaska you put them in a boat and don’t ask to me what to do about that if you noticed I got really bad
five episodes of podcast New York used to have more cats rap tap tap tap tap
yo-yo
okay, what’s the stuff that fucking around
this whole thing is I like these people here that haven’t seen the show and they’re like this is the show no it’s not the show what happened to you
mission of blue why is your suffering
don’t don’t give me Jack Benny on don’t Rochester me I will tell you the truth and I could tell you that you won’t agree with this and that you’ll probably be amused by it then I’m telling you the honest truth by Siri to answer your honest question
the honest truth my actual honest answer to your question for which I will be punished because well I don’t think so
cuz you you were sarcastic if there’s a bubble of insincerity around you there’s a bubble of of sincerity or I mean I will I’m going to tell you the honest answer answer is because I feel too confident and comfortable doing it because I’ve done too many Great Wraps
see
and there’s no there’s nothing there’s no there’s no anxiousness from the from the streets the streets are an anxious nervous play like you have to be feral and and skittish to to to wrap really well you have to feel like if this crap doesn’t work I might not have supper tonight I have to wrap for my supper I don’t have to wrap for my supper I can walk in here layish it beat down and not… Whoever whoever whoever made that for free. Please don’t do science I can drop I can drop social studies
I can drop Jim
I have to drop Matt I don’t drop mad science anymore I can drop happy Jim the opposite of mad science it’s just it’s the it is yes yes yes yeah how do we shake you out of that complacency and get you back into that Ross Farrell mode will not be telling me I’m bad at it
you said backstage that you like you told me backstage I’ve lost my rap too much already try 6. Just play a really really really fat with your fastest beat I just got to be off balance I have to stop owning the art of rapping so much I have to remember what it’s like to be a guest in rap yo empty empty empty head empty head
rapid rapid yo yo yo my dick and my take my pussy
Dukes of Hazzard he spun off
you’re 25
Philip
Houston Avenue Houston
Houston Houston Avenue in East and West affect your mama so hard she exploded or chest does my penis nipple and everything
so what you saying is you doesn’t make me feel nervous
that was my point that you might as well be taking you while you’re watching like a bomb go off in Hurt Locker
how you do think the director would be like oh no I made her locker wrong no she’s at her point
did you get your new generation if it’s you just you don’t you don’t you don’t get if you don’t get it
if you’re in Texas now it’s a fucking different word you pronounce it differently you you fucking Holograms
if I can Pokemons you fucking like hoverboards you fucking if you keep sucking jumanji’s
Vitamix using second batch of drinking supplement taking
the Heart Wants What the Heart Wants What It Wants what the fuck
fucking youngsters when I was when I was a kid which it stands for cheap are you guys are crazy
where you think you’re going to find a stamp price that’s going to make you but good people it’s a sticker on an envelope
wake up
the laziest George Carlin
I said funny the idea of I got curmudgeon who’s crediting like they didn’t and I want you to know I don’t care
I have I have something called agency ever heard of it
why are you why are you attacking the crowd so much right now you get there from New York
this isn’t fucking lala land where we can make them applied by a coding ourselves and marshmello
I’m sure I’m sure you would kind of be into that but but but but but you know they want to be salty in New York
the salty City
you know what Manhattan means in Native American it means the city of least healthy City Jack Jack was born here he died on vacation
and on a pier outside of Staten Island where the ferry is and we’ll talk about we got to talk about that later and a bunch of other stuff but first we forgot to pick up Spencer
yo yo yo
yo-yo
yo hey guys
you got to bring this guy up man you guys just got cheated out of here the whole time but just let me have it barrel racer late on his New York I think I think the buildings they’re going to fall apart
in California there’s earthquakes the building codes are really hiring it makes me really nervous when I’m not around those California secured building
no offense it’s not any of your faults probably
so you eat when you walk around this building could have been here for a long long time yeah you feel like that they might crumble at any moment yeah I mean you know how many cars are like trucks or like Kool-Aid man’s can like burst through a brick wall just take out a city block did you feel that Ella is more Kool-Aid Man secure like you know how you never see Kool-Aid man in La set out to prevent Kool-Aid but by making a building earthquake-proof like Kool-Aid Man bounces off those phrases in La Ono
the Kool-Aid man has to change his catchphrase it when he’s in La look it up later and I’m sure there’s such a thing as a Kool-Aid man and I’m sure he will be thirsty children at a party and they go I’m thirsty and a giant terrorists would burst through the wall I was at it was a man that wasn’t a man was a monster it was it was an anthropomorphic bug jar of a picture a picture of Kool-Aid with a face on it oh okay Family Guy go watch Family Guy so you can understand my comedy
I wanted to throw the drink that but then I was like I’d be so I just say the word I’m on I’m on that absinthe right now oh you drink did you drink some of it yeah but James absinthe I might have drank more than other people who drink it
our friend Jen can you cook ginger makes so close to Dane Cook that that she and Dan cooked it a bit about the Kool-Aid man he doesn’t like it when juice wears tights
yeah from that album in like 19 left field is old but you’re at a party as a kid in La I do go I’m thirsty as a thud and then like glass shattering of glass and someone saying oh no
and that’s how you know that you should buy Kool-Aid commercials aren’t for architecture
know if they were the Kool-Aid Corporation would be like let’s not let’s not tear this but they’re our La commercials where you hear the thud and hear oh no are they say it’s delicious you just can’t get into your house unless you unless you invite him in but I do why do you think I come to the wall I did what he said
honey why do you think what do you what do you think causes the instructor I think I think I think it seems like when he gets really excited about what he’s going to say next why would why would he be excited about that that Stadium I don’t know she doesn’t always know sweetie it’s not it’s not a written to show he’s not he’s not a proud person it’s not the show’s not called Dan Harmon proud of himself and even if it was the content of the show doesn’t need to prove the title right that is that there’s no bondage in Family Ties
night night night rider doesn’t wear armor and they doesn’t exist there’s nobody named tonight writer in that show
the car’s name is chit look it up
this is all New York shit you should be into this it should be called kit writer
thank you
I’ll be here till Thursday I think that’s when I go home. So here’s the thing and been introducing these are our friend I want to explain to you why I’m here it’s for Unicef there’s a basket being passed real funny they’re crippled
great
yeah yeah yeah Joe UNICEF
I need your money real bad because some people are born with the chances we didn’t had you were born with two arms the people weren’t give the money
is that what UNICEF is
UNICEF need better PR so give them money and you think you know who they are
yeah yeah
tonight we forgotten what they are and that’s for a charity need your help but before I could go back to helping people help themselves the people that don’t forget the March of Dimes is coming or is it why is it scary
Marshall yeah but it’s like it’s not like it’s like the march of souls like it’s not those things aren’t marked as souls are terrifying it’s the it’s the March it’s the march of is not the thing with marching that was the March the march of of of genocide is not is is is is not these other times and I haven’t had any since 1968 it’s not it’s it’s worse than a penny cuz it’s smaller and there’s a guy on it it looks it looks like it’s a hump it Michael Chiklis is on the dime if you really really look at it and I said them from my memory I haven’t looked at a dime since before I heard of Michael Chiklis but based on I’m remembering Michael Chiklis on the dime
Michael Chiklis came out right now. It’s horrible shity I have to hurry up and finish making this movie or I’ll lose the rights to make it on a Fantastic Four movie with Michael Chiklis plays the thing and and he and he and because he already says it’s clobberin time in the first half of the movie he’s left with nothing else to say about it at the end of the movie when he comes into the fair. She goes It’s clobberin Time For Real
it’s so sad it’s like I like I like an alcoholic dad we’re going to the zoo and I mean it
sorry sorry about the last clobberin time
I kind of got interrupted I fell asleep
it’s it’s the thought that counts
I apologize you know my dad hit me 10 times more than the yours hits you
and that’s if the progress
I consider myself a pacifist compared to him you’re welcome so clobberin time is terrifying for the kids like it follows like that’s an innocuous but terrifying it follows what follows March of Dimes where they want like pumpkin head like that scary cuz it sounds like Dum like pumpkin head oh fuck all right come on for you to Salve that was all a joke
and scene
all right
yeah he got in touch my hair and then then it’s a gross
but right now I’m now I’m now at 11 again in the bus and then that I wasn’t enough for you, the person can give another person that you’re fuking right in the butt right yeah right New York New York
I couldn’t think of anything better than the next guy so I sold it to the reason I’m here in New York is because I’m I’m shooting this thing for IFC ever heard of it on like these other basic cable networks their name still put me in something it’s a problem documentary about monkeys starting with fire of 1921 because when you hear the description what does that have to do with Independents or film but if you think of you really think about it go go and have a new slogan like TLC was like…. Ducktown what it what it what is it you could learn about anyting
it’s all it’s all Animal Planet it’s it’s very human many animals in that goddamn fucking Channel humans are animals to no arts or entertainment. Nae Nae for television
you’re on AMC watching new Classics was they happened to space wars on the History Channel cuz Hey some people might hear about this one day if you watch
sweat night on Discovery Channel
what is what happens when what do you say is going to happen on season 3 of my dear kicking Maggie off Jesus love me yes one sheet that you guys do New York case Magnum Carswell yeah
but by the way she’s from Long Island but she says she says New York but and and and and and I’m sorry I’m not going to win any popularity contests for saying this but she’s not there I said it
be edited out
Moore’s watch Discovery Channel last fake slots
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, no limits is that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the theme to like to my own life so there’s always a little t and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Black Cinema with Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
she’s a she’s a she’s a cannabis person with with with with status and we’re shooting a pilot they’ve cast me as a host and I don’t think you have to ask why have I
cuz just look at what you’ve seen tonight is it it is it a show about Asperger’s Dan why are you
is it is it a show for the blind is it a show in which there’s there’s names of peoples pictures of people’s faces on the floor so what normally looks like someone staring at the floor while they talk is the new definition of a professional host
our darker is it is the show called this week’s current events as floor tile
how did you get the job I don’t know okay times are tough and and and no one’s watching TV anymore and we want you to host our show it’s a it’s a two we’re meeting in the middle like like like like my podcast is gaining a few listeners TVs losing a few of yours and which we meet a nice happy middle yeah they’re like how about you I don’t know we ran out of people who do you think they passed on the right before I came to you one of them is our next guest actually real
we wouldn’t get along because I really like this guy I’m just been chatting with him for 5 minutes backstage but he said he’s not better his reputation are you from which I kind of shit I just a second ago but I don’t know anything about it so it doesn’t matter with the thing that we’re doing is it’s this what we’ll talk about it with him as a way of explaining it because of the title of this episode of weed and introduces going to be Distributing is it going to be like that kind of trenchant interviews
let’s bring him out now. It will take care of it pretend you sitting on the couch and it’s like you know it’s clearly as the seven days are you going to bring somebody out and see you television shows in recent memory have had as much impact on the Entertainer sphere
as the deceptively named Daily Show for truly it is a show for the century
adult daily there’s nothing daily about it a lot of daily stuff about it intro take to Long Island born
stand-up, comedy writer and television producer but you can’t say his name of the middle of the interruption so and so is this your producer now that sounds like a lot of good that damn so good and our next Long Island birth and stand-up comedy has been the talk of town
in Staten Island live in 5 seconds at The Daily Show going to be telling you a little bit about
UNICEF founder
inventor of the bechdel test
which was then given Credit Credit was given to some woman
you’re welcome Jenny Bechtel
you know that yes you came up with that test and terrible break to find her life will be right back we’re going to go commercial Gold Bond powder
we’re getting better everyday
what is Dylan please welcome Rory Albanese
I think I’ll sit here
hello I’m very sorry I’m sorry
Moon intro I want to watch that shows you intro with me for this shit. All I heard was while they were singing your Praises like there was there was that much of a closet it was like he actually was going to host the host and I was like oh that sounds like that sounds like he’ll be a real Robin to my Batman might be more like the Scarecrow. You are talking about Witcher 3 and video games and Brody
we got enough money for a PS4
I don’t hear you
yeah okay so you here you come from the from the from the the Whiplash Breakneck thrill-a-minute world of daily there’s a fucking intro
yeah man now you’re doing a pickle dick
Boomerang zoom zoom that is The Daily Show a man get off the fucking can that’s what we say
use on the bumper sticker guys know dick on pickle on pickles yeah every now and then I fucking Republic it will come through be like pickle that depends on if they got their fucking beat on the dick on the pulse you know what I mean I assume and then like it kind of branched into writing or where you all are doing stand up right when I started this is not going to be that exciting I was allowed there was saying before you say something about Long Island and its defense or I surprisingly short yes brother also Brooklyn and Queens are on Long Island all right so just for the record with some fucking Ding Dong from Brooklyn is that where you live
so you fucking live on the island Brooklyn Queens telephone pole on fire be true it was it was the Fourth of July and we put a bunch of firecrackers inside a telephone pole and there was bugs in it and we were 11 or 10 years old and we were being outside and inside the telephone pole and the fire of the fire department
giant tree without leaves on fire did how long did service go down for you know what I mean people really against landline that says a lot you can buy them right up on fire and using your cell phone place in New Jersey but it don’t matter cuz I’m still hung up on something and I haven’t heard anything for the last 3 minutes but when you call 911 and it’s like it’s like it’s it’s the D I call you connected to then the response is like you look confused
call using silos now but like I remember when you said that shit man why you bugging out of it now what the fuck there’s one thing I do
t-shirt
yes I do yes I’m at the ER with those that he has and everything and why would I say that I’m terrible at it but yes my dick is bigger at the end
gravity my giant making some where all the president and seen yes and the president president it’s called easy bi-level fucking get it so I can get it down I was just in a really great show are you just dropping a portion of the intro doll the performers are there for 16 hours it was the only way to close close marathon is for people and it takes up the whole 24 hours that’s how they do it to his doctor
there was blood coming out of the premises is IFC thing where you want to be a dick but you at the moment but now it feels weird now is the time to vent why you hate you should be so much because they’re so ungenerous to get here tonight Through Safari and I Bloom years ago doing it out of this is it and he denied it
what you doing is supposed to have heard about that heads up that’s all bad is the show that we’re doing on Wednesday which I think it’s already if you if you didn’t move on the tweet that I sent out then I just feel bad for you I sent out a tweet today because it’s another small space but I’m sure it was like because it’s not really talking about the size of a bathroom look right in the camera too are you going to be stuck and look at the floor when I don’t know I’m professionally produced
the it sit at this table no idea where it is on 106 & Park.
Because I think that I think that one of the guys at I have seen not the production company that’s making the pilot I think they’re it cuz that cuz they’re always like I have sea is so excited that you’re hosting so that means you hate me but but but I think maybe someone at IFC like maybe they admitted my dad call them know if they work hard with him that you are capable of driving you all the way to McDonald’s or school and do you don’t have to get out of block away people that drive me all the way to McDonald’s
you know what your friends is he your dad you want him to think you disappear places I get it before you can drive you know what your friends to know your parents brought in that awesome movie where they jump leapers jumpers what’s that movie where they
was that leaping movie with a giant was If I Stay
no cuz sometimes I get lupus and jumpers computers but you don’t want to do that shift don’t know don’t look at branos but you don’t watch those movies back either it’s a bad to Red Slide park in ammonia and bleach guys are fucking is your dad still around are you close with your dad I wasn’t any fucking leaped away for a pack of smokes I was 24 pack of smokes you know how many friends you got friends by Jesus Christ what’s going on here right now
what do you call him up once in awhile I do I call I call him sometimes and for my mom and then he’ll pick up so I got if I can eat I’ll talk to you in a little bit what is it about the run interference you know how to communicate
basically I don’t know what anyway if you guys ever seen laborers in that movie that’s true if you’re looking for a Libra don’t be picky Italian guy you know what I mean is Italian all Italians renounce everything wrong it’s not it’s not prosciutto is prosciutto but that’s just New York that’s just going by it’s behaviors but that is adamant about you guys the one that the one lady who cheered for Nassau County is a fucking gets it
everybody else is like Williamsburg doesn’t have her New York
I never said you were doing a crowded theater and learn that and I fucked it up
there’s a time for Wednesday
my dad I’m actually not I’m not at therapy it’s fine it worked out fine is my mom’s like you know like she can like talkingshit you know but that just says like platitudes like he just was like a handbook he’s never really live in Hollywood is my America’s I just want to talk to like a fucking normal thing somebody I don’t want to keep this everything is done since I got a case of the Mondays already guys I don’t want to freak out but I’m pretty sure that Kathy Rossetti on Garfield Jesus Christ
they love you but put mom on you know what I mean like I don’t hate to dude I just I want to fucking talk to him that much myself that was a fucking low that was a real Long Island mom if you’re turning
but instead I’m just sitting here in tighty whities and fucking black dress socks my car I will I will text I love you to my mom’s to eat my mom’s I can explain the Twitter you’ll hate it I don’t want her near to my mom has a locked account so I guess she can read my tweets wow and then she’ll direct you would direct tweet me which comes to my phone as a text message and I would just direct Peter back and go just you can text me and we can just go back and forth and it’s it’s it’s less advanced than what you’re doing right now she’s got she’s gone she’s gone past the easy thing to me like the ghost in the beginning of 2010 the guy was like
the year we made contact contact no no no
note to 2010 the year we make contact as is not is not the middle that the movie contact I’d really like to see 2009 the reason we make contact cuz I have some quiet time I’ve seen first Contact is it like The Wiz it’s just it’s just terrible so it’s like the weakest they didn’t pay for the rights to 2001 the movie they base it on the original book that Dorothy I guess but the public domain version
well they could be flying monkeys I mean I mean I’m just saying we’re talking about the wizard of it was it was it was it was it was exactly how racist America was back then if I can be down on the Dominicans pretty hard back for you hard I just like what I like
you make a lot look you make a lot of sense right now then do you get to just throw that word around you just you just you just you just dominicano I don’t want to be I don’t want to be I don’t want to get involved here but he’s part of Puerto Rican that’s where this anger comes from the Puerto Ricans Jamaicans do not get this it’s a prdr this thing I’m telling you that’s a real fucking if you weren’t all so fucking white
if you ever talk to the people in the neighborhood you live in you would learn that there’s a lighter inter race hatred and you don’t have to feel bad about it cuz you didn’t cause this is a a shark the way baby
you check it out when I search history clear about this somebody gave you the fucking Jen what looks basically
alright so somebody is James and Jay Jane alright whatever your name is Jane this looks like some shady olive oil in a jar and he’s just drinking it you just fucking bought like crap going like I made enough to let see how much I drink and he’s fucking pounding that shit
no cuz it could be Alice in there or something like member of the harmontown family is what we are
if she has the harmontown FDA-approved take a picture
what’s up dude
fucking head that’s like gasoline you could actually run a lawn mower
wow. Line in the Naked Gun when he’s like in his I drink Drano or the cleaning out inside it’s exactly take a sip of that on Wednesday or I just will never be written
what James got a deep voice
good advice on it like because you worked with one of the great TV host that pretty is it
we have to do this thing I went I was so drunk last night the premise of the pilot that we’re doing is that I am the host which is already kind of a portion of the premise of the pilot is that he he is it so Rupert Murdoch
I’m just finding out about that. What do you mean I don’t have the job I don’t know if I can but they saw myself he’s been fucking Jenny McCarthy like she knows he gets it what what it what it what I mean like what are their dues and don’ts like on The Daily Show so John would have got a guest in every episode virtually is there coming out like what how did you how did you prep for like like how how tightly it did he adhered to a plan that was done through three interviews and stuff like that
call Jeff I’m more of a Kilbourne man myself already fucked around and I could be bugging gym and I’m not going to know at the end of the night
well funny you should say that. I know gender is not a thing anymore I get it’s 10:30 or lady I read the papers this is terrible Jane is actually is a transgender not terrible I think it’s fantastic I’m all for a shoot transgender is they say you the only question you can ask is you have a dick and I keep saying that the only question I have did this week about the transgendered on the back just for getting through the door of like of not you do not bullying and all the stuff I showed Barbara Walters going like so under your pants what’s going on
oh no that doesn’t make any sense why would I do that at the zoo that’s just like keep crushing kittens they bring to it
because it’s replacing one that knows sign language but I mostly I just keep I just keep ice cream in a shih tzu needs is Gorilla that kills kittens if you don’t put the zoo give no idea it’s a real problem or New York still having problems out of our tax dollars guys feeding those kittens I’m not paying for that shit that’s why we aren’t killing them already drunk going to happen. You know what I’m drunk but that shit’s fucking dangerous I seriously feels like I could have just taking it like a shot of Gulf like you know 87 whatever what’s a fuel like a TI-89 gas station what time right now I don’t drink from fucking BP spell to my right
pictures yeah I’d like a good guy. You’re a standard oil guy from way back I was fixed man that’s why I hate these filtered cigarettes
I wanted a filter I wouldn’t if I can get Lucky Strikes you like my balls Slim’s wide I like I like my Virginia wide unfiltered
you guys too young for that shit how does a host move from one topic to another
I don’t know
music yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah give us some
I thought you were at your house if I’m going to tell you right now if I knew how to go from one thing to another I haven’t gotten the job at curious I decided at some point that I was that with the angle was going to be that I was going to get advice from you on how to be a good host but obviously that’s not a good way to do it twice to go with the hello just be yourself if you’re this dude so fucking likable right if he’s just himself yeah and I don’t I want to take a moment I want to take a moment just think about 9/11 project
are cool now just moving out of the house thing like us know I’m saying like if the whole point is is like if you people always make an adjustment cuz they’re on TV people always make an adjustment. Now I got to know if you do that you’re going to feel like a weird version is just be you but other than that
dude I mean don’t fuck around how long has buck would suck and you dis is why there’s people here like another words people like you and I feel like if you try I learned that back I was doing a show back in the back with Sammy Davis jr. couple years ago and
I was just a small Jazz and I was a little Jazz and we may have heard of it it was called White knights was me and Gregory Hines and 1/3 yd David to make sure my moves were right through Lincoln Center and there’s a lady with a baby that was me first jumpers
I don’t feel like I need I feel like tap dancing is a dance it’s just in my blood I feel like Italians and Jews have always dominated tap tap has been our fucking on crash
who got time for the rest of most important thing it’s all so it’s got to be rough but they were referring to the strength of the tap it wasn’t about wait for him it was like a permanent and heavy let’s to they used to say in Italian it sounds beautiful that you’re putting Johnny but what you mean you know he tapped there that’s what that mean there’s a little fucking dead in the Piazza every Piazza in southern Napoli has a little dent in it about Giovanni
that he and the other is true that he’s he’s right behind well as a performer create a lien to have Dad’s if you do at the Italian way there’s always if it’s called a cuckoo crazy I love it
the urban legend is that his was so hard that vibrated Stalin turned him into a Democrat for 10 minutes that’s true but then he forgot all of Marx’s teachings of use out of their heart and this is this is going to seem like a really bad pun but this is just a historical fact that someone people go to the gulag time at 7 to stop Hitler Hitler Hitler
very nice I really I really I I I don’t I don’t so many many many more who needs a ponies a weary and then will invade you instead of the fucking British Bob the way 15 years ago there was a great Peter Falk joke to be made but with this crap I’ll never go
have you guys ever take you CB 1982 you have to take that guys fucking a really good class
yeah I would love to my Harold group
Peter Griffin like you come get in I get across town you come here I got it don’t worry about it I take alot alot of a lot of them I say I don’t like seeing my fans cuz it feels to talk about that punsters like they like pods and I find a very very uncomfortable weird thing is like in a comedy writers room sometimes the war first version of a joke is the funniest thing in the room you don’t know. I may need to go to that place you would never put it on the Shelf
oh well I mean you must be suggest I feel like I’m you have you guys always here come in for the fact that that everyone said it opened up one said yeah okay yeah he was on the cat with the guy so try to explain that once you open that Wormhole of bad joker you will end its grade Joker in the beginning and then
what is hella I got to I remember being a little kid I was a kid drinking every saw years that is okay
Elaine and Robert Downey jr. Elaine from Seinfeld Jerry Kroeger who can forget the K Rogue Know Rich Hall ritual but the weird thing is that I actually learned comedy from That season because that was when I was hurt going through comedy puberty and then it was like all of a sudden I went a combined, during puberty and it will one word d I won’t get to Uber to throw into a room to take the terrible other than that that’s your process of the terrible but it’s like it doesn’t everybody thinks that as a no was perfectly year they were ten and everybody thinks that it’s currently in some kind of slump yes because it’s a 12 x 12
I’m still waiting I’m still waiting on that remember that’s what I remember I was watching and I was like wow that’s really funny. Kind of weird pedophile jug Menard here trying to get your back here bro I don’t know how to get out of this but that’s all I don’t know I do feel like that’s appropriate because you know it’s anyway the name is there’s a time machine spent all of his hard-earned money is the premise of the show and all of it he’s been all of his heart
inventing a time machine you got wow so we can solve The World’s problems nope so we can host a talk show with people that’s the only thing I saw the world’s problems hopefully by getting I talked he could go back in time so can we can you hear me what is everybody so is it and also former Daily Show for news Aries are like run, so is it okay to tell him who the cast is okay Robert Smigel is playing Albert Einstein and
and Rory is playing a Benjamin Franklin and his parents are well and the back to Lake Worth every penny Jared
totally worth it for classes a v d has a green belt in fart proud Point you’ll be in a movie that they take you to a room where Matt besser has written a note that improv is it was created by horses. I told you I don’t want to be an entertaining way sycophantic but I do feel like I want to add a footnote that I don’t like. Happy that you see be out of here and I do I do their shows all the time as I have a great day with her wonderful Mother Hubbard two different views
and people are believed aliens
Zeon what’s his name Xena Xena who is the have you guys been to the Xenu Marathon dizzy new Improv
it’s 24 hours of his vinu improv you can’t don’t miss it Rodrigo just fucking crutches it
volcano on the cover of Dianetics I was just like Billboards for get the fuck out of my house that’s right how many people have ever been like that like that
it always makes me think I can an airplane like what you just fucking snap people’s next you know the guys wanted to let you know I like dolphins I just want to kill that lady you know what I mean I will then go home and donate to the dolphin cause I’m all for the cause this is her talking to me on the street so you wish there was a way to accidentally eat her with a sandwich yes exactly it’s really her sometimes you miss ruin it for the Dolphins I guess is what I’m saying guys
listen to loving puns and generally being atheist my audience who I love very much but you’re really scared of losing them that I love them and I’m I made them in a bag so young they’re cool
I know you’re like you know what you’re doing or alienated a grandpa
that might be an important thing to have been said to me that I have a terrible terrible like fear of like everyone’s going to go like you’re not you’re in your you’re out at and it’s not going to happen am I am I up how to reset the economy you never liked right hold on that’s that’s how they all do it then we have basically from the monkey tree and lose our figs and lose our ability to to to to beat that we would have started fires like price
we never got but you are right it’s like a little it’s an obsession with me like I said it’s it’s like I really always want to like I want to hear myself and it’s it’s a little wasted sometimes because like look at me I look like somebody that hates everybody I probably do need everybody is the fucking definition of the fucking dude you all about it the definition of you seem to know the dude he’s the dude. It’s like to think we’re like he doesn’t know he’s cool which is why I like your fucking cool and then like if the same age that people that you’re you’re not fooling me cuz I know what did he say why I haven’t listened to them
you may or may not hate people I didn’t do all of them turns into a sitcom has late night so I can I wear the same pants a lot lower middle-class on telling you I guess I just do what you say, why did you come here and let the Dan hormann express my face yet you haven’t seen no like Chuck Lorre who created The Two and a Half Men He zip lined all across America
United flies out the refrigerator.
It’s out of poor vision poor people can only see one mile and mile end of this guy fucking Chuck Lorre mile-and-a-half invited to like a party at one house but like the fucking guy to create the shit they like fucking zipline all over over and why would you have to
liquid that much money but he prefers it cuz he feels like any pussy can get a fucking ride you know what I mean to me and how would you how would you get up I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know that’s why I don’t have a fucking second I’m you know what I mean the late-night world is just fucking a powered walkways I got the airport location to another location from your house to a different restaurant you like for one place to another I could be anywhere across the planet can go from dungeons to dragons
Spencer the bush distance
what where were you zipline from indicating one zip line that is always available to definitely started in Baton Rouge
a bunch of nobody nobody nobody will just figure tries to start in Baton Rouge
where is your destination
do you care if you can bring you can bring Jazz and crawfish that’s right everybody’s so busy trying to be better than each other know where would I be really useful in a way that’s attainable Toronto primary supplier of shellfish wire transfer guys at the zip line we’re on our way to Florida starting point destination how far is it from the whole world
but the moon’s on the world I don’t be a dick
I love that anywhere in America except the moon has been
I would say I mean I would start New York just cuz that’s where I live and then I would go to be there I’m going to go live there forever
sit back and forth but I can’t like zip2 multiple-location very very pragmatic like there’s a bunch of the best way to use a zipline I just I will have eight million dollars in 3 years
are there any 900 guys questioning it but then just watching is like the top right at that is just if the original poster
well actually wouldn’t actually know so I can do your math and words
I love you I love the trend it would have got to go there you know I’m an starting a New York starting a New York
I would probably dipped it like Brazil stip
zipline to Rio De Janeiro I understand that Rio is such a fucked-up place that rich people have to travel via air from building to building and should they can’t go fucking zip-up samarino titties and then I’d zip out
because you have a zip line I get a guy’s pretty cars versus human trafficking
it came from you understand you have enough money for zipline you don’t worry about the root of the problem
exactly. If you don’t make enough money to tip line to worry about your present problems they don’t start questioning I’m a call you get to pick two places you could live in Los Angeles you can live in New York but you can you can have a zip line between to other destinations that you have at your leisure music back and forth that you just take off your belt for a little while ago zoom and your fucking while the kids are being more comfortable way to go I don’t want to be a drag by the you just you just gave birth to my hands are getting tired
I’m sitting on the stool right now he’s talking about a difference what’s the difference between a diplomat
feather easily Zoom starting where is a theme park grade zipline question the best of the Furious franchise can is there can we assume that there’s such a thing as a a cargo capacity like could I travel can I put can I pretend he needs his dog to Portland Oregon I’m going to start location and attending location One Way zip lining Portland Oregon you got to take me to take a Peter Pan bus home that’s the only caveat
looking living in Live or don’t you know what I mean I’m not Chuck Lorre
Glory Glory
get a half a man on that job picking a place that I want to be able to get in a hurry but from
Portland is it starting or the ending if you’re in LA are giving examples you’re in LA and you want to do Planet Portland it’ll take you only like 37 hours. One and a half miles of the air so it’s a pretty good bitch better to walk your dogs cuz I was just thinking to go for it like two hours ago and hold your body weight up with no other harnesses why you being such a pussy Dan
it’s like you hate traveling why do you hate traveling
you don’t want to go to Port Libera whatever Baton Rouge Toronto because of the Assumption about a two-way no Soco
belted big Factory
do you zip line with a couple of dogs is pretty awesome
where do hold it does he have to hold the dogs or do they do not hold their own bottles or just hold on but you’re saying is elevation based I’m not saying that we might have to build a large Tower in Tokyo let me finish I’m going to use the money I make bringing where they like blue jeans
you get zipline a couple of cat is building a pipeline from Mount Mount Fuji mercenaries rugby league is going to kill Japanese beetles. You guys are Financial interests towards what I meant by the way miss that is possible to kill a Japanese person which I decide which we found out by the way I didn’t want to go to worsen the Baton in the Bataan Death March of the Baton died March which is when it is cuz it’s a call back UNICEF
I don’t know what because I was asleep but this fucking in whatever LSD into the crowd right now just because I’m thinking like isn’t Mount Fuji the highest elevated Point has been somewhere outside zipline uphill so you could start it as soon as you but you can’t I can’t Ending Story about who invented whatever I want to do I am a good host and here’s the proof we’re moving on all right
that’s a perfect segue
removing on that means
he told me we could go home soon
I do just want to add that I would if I just I sent I don’t want to waste as if I have my starting point would be where movie where wherever atheism was invented and I would take it to the go wherever Reddit is headquartered but I’m not I’m not I’m not I’m not doing that for for you no approval zipline effect next topic Jews exist
have you ever seen the footage can I do from from from from Hancock Park know I hate when people shoot vertical he’s not going to he’s going to kill another black guy above him a I have to wash his killing on a fucking I’m not a pauper I dip line to Best Buy from here
yes I am I’m about to go to war with mole man or helicopter people escape the point is
Satan said dance an improv theater I may be sprained but I seen you see blacks I can take him
It’s All Creatures you doing
yes and I can beat them up both look identical that’s your problem not my problem you should hang out with more black people assholes
I have a lot of black friends you just not here cuz he know that it’s not going to keep you keep beating them up cuz I’m friends with the really rich we went to Costco and that’s exactly what I wanted something that happens that this is like a younger crowd has grown a lot to get really scared that’s not your fault you come from a generation of you can’t say anything but which is great we’re all exactly the same way I think Applebee’s should be culture that’s what I think
I think that Applebees I think Olive Garden should be Italian food that’s what I think how do you say go away
oh don’t I mean cuz I am telling you he’s had half of his 20 minutes is all written it’s just like around about black people I wrote this a week ago I was just thrilled to have an opportunity
what bus bring up bring up my beautiful wife and your wife let’s let’s let’s bring up my autonomous collaborator in marital life who makes decisions that even after the fact
does that Mike work I’ve been having a good time and if not I don’t know what I don’t know what’s our situation isn’t trip that we usually there’s a clock and it’s like midnight or close to it to have a new role into a plan which power comes to the Comedy Zone he’s just like 3 in the morning well I mean you know we don’t want to get back into that area sitting there for an hour and a half is it will you get needles in your up your sleeve
and zipline in the Grand Canyon
that’s why
set timer. Nevermind I’ll get my zip line to a donkey so he go up and down you want to drink this to it’s good I Don’t Think Twice as strong as it’s like taking two drinks of it’s not that simple. It is not it feels like I had just four sips of vodka I don’t want to fight about this and you do I’d love to
did you go I won’t let you okay because you really wanted someone to ask you and no job by the coliseum’s that I would go I would make a zip line from your dad’s house to Mom Dance Moms come on
Arabella was invented
I did not. I don’t want to be a dick but I looked just looked at fucking weighs a zipline and it the traffic jam I was busy is backed up what is the zipline in your mom is always right in front of me every fucking fat
I didn’t follow that but not because you were because I approve of everything you just said and I approve of social progress at 8 theism
I New York what a bold stance and I have see a new CB can you talk about the time nor the place just a little bit
remind me to close your legs for a second you man spreading his fucking whores
piano drums never heard about manspreading that’s a big thing of New York hats all over the subway balls New York is literally made balls illegals you can you have to sit like this regardless at the elephant lead large your balls are you can’t do this cuz it maybe you have positive if you’re any gender that this is more of it saying I’m sorry it is summertime My Balls dangle to a place where this is the only way I can sit
gender straight male pics or it didn’t happen they can’t see my absence that your your your your reaction to absence has made you into an incredible volatile lunatic I love that, judge, but I want to talk about bringing the wrong Belushi out of Jim Belushi the correct no dead people are bad yes I do that’s not a brave stand
this is not a bad way to change a blanket on doing that though I brought up a blanket a blanket
the connection that she made by the make that connection
yeah I see that’s what they do to you these people they love you then they fucking hate you
what about the Kool-Aid man you guys running out of cooling man in my sanipac give it to Jonestown Massacre you did you did a bit about it yes Kool-Aid flavor Aid and then the whole point was the Kool-Aid Man bus rules that go and then use that one
how do I get out at 10 and I don’t like that joke it’s because you haven’t read enough
that’s your fault just heard the good news reading a big thick dense academic book is the only way to know that you just Jonestown Kool-Aid are. You can make out of my stand-up a zero comedic Lee it’s it’s it’s it’s where the action is
what’s a 20
it’s true that I was like interested in Kool-Aid fruit smack how I know it’s almost time for that but then they found out that that’s what Hitler’s first Schlieffen Plan was called
before all the way to the turn left at when you hit the channel give me your right foot hits the English Channel then go down but they didn’t operation fruit smack the first like when you’re you know when you’re Googling and it had like a blurb like the first text on the site and it said Kool-Aid was invented by a great time wonderful man and I think he made that sounds like Steven Seagal page Seagal, virile, but the grand duchess Anastasia in a chain like Jefferson Davis probably making up stuff
I don’t know
where would your lip line by the way from Teen Wolf fans out there
I want another season 5 how to be a real doozy get ready for some some some wolves going to be good you promised at the Austin television Festival you wouldn’t go there then look as Jeff Davis did not creator of Teen Wolf the vet people think I am I’m going to give the people what they fucking want it was he
what do you call the show when he turns 20 I was at baby your show but mind requires a little bit more but I don’t believe in astrology as such but I do know that if you describe a Libra you describe me very well I Believe In Balance we started off the show with you doing a very poor rap and I think we’ve gone through like a couple good ones and I think the only way to protect my interpreted as a sign that guy gave us is more they love it
show us off my throat it’s so good it’s curing my my lymphatic cancer four years you’re massaging my throat with your trainer to make a human neck giraffe a giraffe the show don’t really cute
Lauren Gentry lyrics to Don’t Tell Me That We’re Not out to the street to the hat like my name was that guy that bought your momma and then I camo know why I go to easy places for a rhyme but I will say that I fucked your mama and the word time because it’s time I should arrive and everyone knows that but I thought your mama’s so hard and she wants her ass and I helped her find it in a mall he couldn’t fight it it was in a toilet stall, doesn’t poop so we don’t know why and then I talked to your daddy in his eye
fucking record is the i-19 Willy fucking hold his head I put my dick in his fucking I Hold Ya what
Jessica
on my legs on the subway
dial it.
Zephaniah 3 hour shall we love you so much
hurry up and is going to send it right how do you say it how many no burn day
change by getting everybody absolutely murdered on that sandwich a year
good joke, Yeah Yeah Yeahs secret track secret track. I was gone but everybody leave you’ll never ever leave and I have to leave new podcast this one yeah what was that episode about world we’re here live after watching that was pretty weird openers
random words
I think I’ll help you see somebody get the taping on Wednesday if you were able to make it in there Rory Albanese I don’t know why I’m re-entering the show
thank you Jeff thank you everybody sorry I didn’t get to play again