Episode
Episode: 183 – Disproportionate
Description
Our friend Colin joins us to fill us in what it’s like to be a little person. Brought to you by Balls, it’s whats for dinner. Watch the video at harmontown.com/live! Become a member!
Transcript
oh yeah
yeah that was entertainment everybody
from Hollywood California Meltdown Comics harmontown is now in session
Spencer Crittenden to the stage
the mayor of harmontown Dan Harmon
what kind of a shower effect when you felt like a good singer and then the music
Freebird speaker Harmony
Big Show
already dedicated to Glenn Frey Eagles fight with it why I always need the is the microphone too far forward
I thought you guys look at it back a little bit
is director Chris breath back there is he good for camera is good for camera if it’s back a little bit about you guys just want to milk to your laughs your your your presence this feels better. This feels like the way it’s always been colloquially backstage with the crew we call you the aphids it’s a reference to those ants that milk they milk the milk aphids the day’s labors that they’re vampires
so there was a true that we talked in Miami I think before the guy got punched in the face and okay I still don’t know if you’re calling a movement I think it sounds a little weird it sounds like it because it’s that it’s at whatever is a trans transgender thing that’s happening of the our Newfound awareness of it it it rate is raised this very interesting question is a starter on a fundamental level about bathroom dichotomy like like what are we doing what have you been doing I think a very well intended thing in the in the past of the days of a long ago when bathrooms were just baby like bushes or caves like maybe they’re probably was a great Progressive thought behind like of ladies go over there and the Fellas go over there this is not as complicated as just tearing down that wall because men are pigs and sometimes women to like there’s different there are just different things that happen in men’s room
fixing you brought up I got to say I was wrong about that I looked it up way off what I said I told you I said on this very stage 2 millions of unsuspecting people that single user stalls end up screwing League of Women over but it turns out single-user stalls are the best way to push out and equalize wait times and wait times are truly the commodity of the bathroom you’re saying women take longer biologically and that’s why that’s yes which is true it is to that end that is only affected non single-user genderless bathrooms that’s only affected the current bathroom Paradigm parody
the shower today at you still are
actually I wasn’t a genius I ripped the socks have multiple bathrooms but but make them like long and short as turn the terms of like the time you’re going to take a number one or number two kind of or women that want to be lumped in with shooting men
but I was like if you live you live you if you look at it more like like like Lanes on a freeway okay there is there is separation on the freeway that when people don’t observe it gets fucked up and you get mad at them cuz they don’t know how to drive right you know what if we had like two or even three bathrooms at the place at the bigger the play sadworld Lanes it’s like Fast Lane passing Lane you know like I just have to fuck it I’m not even to wash my hands when I just need a place to do it why are you saying my text well I don’t know I just wash my hands was making a joke choices on the door at the front of the bathroom are you going to take a long time until I know and then I was telling off and I was like oh that won’t work because in a crowded situations then people that are backed up in the slow lane they’re going to start go
I need the fast life but new there will be shame involved in that
are they only just as on the freeway because you like you’ll go in and you’ll you’ll be over there will be a line forming outside the fast toilet which shouldn’t be happening and you’ll be a piece of shit when you come out the song the song that will play when you leave there don’t poop in the fast lane
we argue with people that look like a guy will come out never want to start doing it
I like to know you’re going to what what what what what is the cutoff point for what is fast and what a slow well that’s what I mean what is to be a big red digital clock right in the door
would like a spring-loaded toilet three ways
there’s a speed limit out of the speed limit right technically tell you to speed but the truth is if you try to get to work really fast you supposed to go around people
it’s called the fast lane if we all went 55 there wouldn’t be a fucking Fastlane 5 on the freeway that’s when the city that’s why they built that lane it’s for the days when everyone’s just feeling Leisure Lake
I’m driving under the speed limit and you want to go 55 1/2 miles an hour and you said that’s what the plan is for I got junk
don’t tell me what to do I’m not to read a book when I do it
others like a judge like she takes them off stairs dancing
cuz I I like this guy if I can push it like a sucking like molasses can you can you draw me a map of where you go to an airport if you have to you have to relieve yourself you come across how many door is and what it wanted those doors say are you got that far but I was getting a shower it’s like long and short or like or number two and number one priority of bathrooms I saw that and then we can get into maybe we start lighting matches oh my God can you imagine us all of his emphasis we put in consideration we didn’t then undercut by going in the bathroom wailing all over the walls cuz we think everyone else is secretly a racist animal and I hate them and we want to touch the same toilet seat
I meant we’re electing a fascist and we’re likely go to don’t forget to keep your elbows off the table where a fucking Liars like let’s look where we should we should make it fucking scientific it should you should feel like a clone when you don’t you feel you should feel like a naughty clone bite like whose scientist are mad at them and testing them like you should you should fucking like it’s a sanitary business how do you say babies feel when they sit there they can’t do anything about it there like a fucked-up like like like like but you know you should there should be luxury there should be talcum there should be there should be loved and squeezing and motorboats what what I don’t know
babies ain’t got no titties
dear Penthouse large Home Depot I said at Home Depot I work at Home Depot
and in walks this woman with a baby that wouldn’t quit
I knew I had to motorboat it
all right this is called paragraphs that I have a newspaper article and read out out out of context because it’s funny I think I think
she was sentenced glad you’re being just a little article about Ben Carson losing his but he was also like a HomeTown hero to a lot of the his his own personal kind of like I can’t remember where he’s from and why he but he was like you know he did he did good stuff like that show me he’s from nappy town
he always looks like he just had a turkey sandwich and a glass of warm milk
well here’s a take me after if I invited nine yoga classes that’s what that’s the alert he looks out of a Washington Post article about Ben Carson and it did involve his Blackness but I still think this is a weird sentence
Carson has been a black icon since 1987 when he became the first person to successfully separate twins conjoined at the backs of their heads
while being black black people loved that shit
stereotype of the black lady in the operating room look like
connected ma’am
we’re going to have to ask you to stop yelling up during your surgery
happy like nappy hair put that in my head very proud of myself it’s going to be a seam tonight cuz we’re going to have a fella up here that we’ve never met before at 9 to show you and I have met him but we’re going to we’re going to be talking about the realm of the uncomfortably surface see and how deep it goes we have dr. Ben Carson here tonight
but you’re the one that I like to talk about is the damaging like saying I don’t know if I if I’m stealing this from somebody clever that that that actually coined it is I think it’s a really amped up and I read it somewhere heard it somewhere any saved is a penny earned the start of the new the modern kind of code of of I don’t know what to call it political correctness like has all these negative connotations with a sort of like if you could kill the guy was like a golden rule is absurd of social etiquette etiquette the rule has become whoever smelt it dealt it
so in other words like like the if you keep your mouth shut and did you stand tactically the highest percentage chance of not being defensive which is I think it’s very dangerous thick because as we can see in our culture you kind of want the idiots talking as loudly as possible like like there is better than them slinking around in the shadows and then popping up all of us I mean I think I’m becoming the FrontRunner for one of our two political parties I would like if that guy while he’s a reality show was Tony reality shows he’s definitely a fucking anomaly like lately he himself is this a lot of reasons to not like Donald Trump here’s one of my top 30
he says very too much is very very good very very very 10,000 book report quite by adding more very’s and really is into it they had an article it was late like the 76 campaign promises that we’ve been able to glean from what he said so far it’s very very terrifying is really really really turned very very big wall and I’m going to do it but have a very very good generals if they’re going to make really good bombs the best ever
these bombs are going to be so good, I want to clarify something I don’t know. I just heard myself say something that that that that might have been a defensive two to six year olds because I
it’s true it’s too late that you’ve been coming down on six year olds six-year-olds them and he’s like a shity six-year-old like playing some game and everybody’s like this is so cool we made up this game and then he’s always the one that’s like like like like if you’re playing like let’s shoot missiles with these GI Joe think he’s like now
pictures of close-up every plane in the whole room no matter where you try to hide Infinity Trinity say that you just said something loser what does a conflict of interest why are using moderating the GI Joe for almost almost all of them with a cut maybe one or two exceptions is petulant petulant children level of fucking disco 77 like they click it to their friend and a leg
I don’t know what I was trying to do in the middle of that so I know what they know the phrase flying fuck
they can take a first class flight flight fuck I’m fucking mint JetBlue mint
JetBlue JetBlue we just nice decent his little egg pause and it seems really groovy and I went down into the like the recline mode but you can’t rock your seat back you can just lean back the whole thing has to go in your legs come out into this like like this whole long bed frame kind of thing but at one point it was very clear to me that my legs were not going to get any farther than the wall in front of me and now I’m being like Star Wars trash compactor reckon he’d be the perfect time to bring out the worst time to do that are our first the current phrases little person he’s an actor and we met him in New York calling Buckingham is here let’s bring him out
awkward
yeah there you go
sweet-star work perfectly I know I live in in New York City I mean you try to Ambush me with collar
ashamed of him noticing things are different
funny when I have to be designed for this really median five height person like like 5 foot 8 maybe with the perfect Sweet Spot can I have a lot of the the I’m fat and that’s not easy either
the JetBlue first class I’ll go to as far as far as how you’re treated as a human being like so far it’s that they’ve lived their new to first class for terrible reasons because the airlines are cartels don’t get me started on Friday airlines are a cartel otherwise it would be the the the only thing it’s the reclining thing for me to for a different reason the tray table it doesn’t move forward
for me to bring them whenever they ask they ask you to make a choice
where’s my bike to reach all the way over there for my food
oh my God
it is I don’t know if you know how hard it can be to be fat fat but they ask you to make a choice on that Airline between sleep mode and look there the end just sitting up and hanging out and not like I’m right what is a setting that that is I’m sleepy but I’m playing Minecraft
I’m going to I’m going to and I’m going to nod off while I’m digging for for some minerals I don’t to wake up
and then I mean I’m fine
and then at the end of the guy next to me is going to be like what’s he doing he’s like a child but yeah what are you watching Avatar third time
just going to win tonight’s my only but alright anyways welcome, I’m sorry about about the way you were brought out I’m sorry about the way you’ve been treated since it is actually are you doing a bit by using it earlier cuz I thought about that, it’s progress just put it on your mind don’t think about anything don’t think about if I do if a person has a guest of yours that might have a need or something Spencer thinks about it but I didn’t think about it, plus we have Steve Silverman I mean he might not be a lot of trouble getting on it
these two will go for like one one buttcheek if you’re if you’re a larger person like we needed like a little more commodious accommodations let’s start our little person questions with the big one the big one
I want to talk about those the phrase Little People yeah you already gave me a hint
well as every we talked about a little bit that it changed like the past 30 years from midgets and dwarfs little person and it’s like going in a direction of trying to say like hey people that are shorter are still people but I think when you say someone is a little person it it’s a difference in saying someone has dwarfism or something you know right is that a person with it yeah yeah because it’s like it’s like you’re making that their identity yeah you know you’re saying like that person is a boy like that is all-encompassing of his personality or her personality or that kind of thing in like how they Define themselves as I always play ball with this stuff because I mean it’s honestly I would never like I would never deliberately like I say it all the time that makes people never like because I’m like I hope people get really upset
I know it’s like it’s like it’s like if you were Indiana Jones and you just like you see the poison dart Shooters and you’re just out and it’s like a mile and you just pocket
like I I’ll get hit with a couple and then I got to try to find an antidote I maybe or I just like maybe maybe there’s a maybe just keep running and it’s just like a bit darker hitting everybody and then I get to the brightness the I don’t have a bank account
what did you design this place why don’t you turn it off so I can get the idol the please rent Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark it’s a great come so when I I don’t remember where I was or what year it was when the the little person think that floated it was like and I’m like okay but it was the same as like the phrase African-American I’ve always said it’s like it really rubbed me like it’s not my job to be rub you the right way or the wrong way that you’re thinking that I just be like okay if that’s what we’re saying but I think that’s fucking weird because you you’re saying that you’re in that case it’s like the thing that I think is weird about it is that it and I know that what they’re doing is they’re adding syllables and I do understand the because it’s like it’s about dehumanization like any phrase that you can use to like make someone sound like not a someone
yeah but he did say he is autistic yeah it’s like you think that might like that turmoil evolve into the workshop but I’d like to run by you tell him that I got the all-clear and that would be
I don’t I don’t I mean for me like I think it’s in my ideal world it would be if someone was describing how I look in like to someone it would be he has worked with him or he has a condo plays of it it kind of places of five syllable word we have we don’t like saying more than usual that’s not very likely yeah I enter my conscience it’s like that painting of a ship in your bathroom that you every time you pee you’re like one of these days
ruining a house
yeah it was just late like I was saying before it’s not like it’s not that much of a problem part of my identity where you know it’s not something I go out into the world and but I mean that being said I don’t mean to me cuz other people love the term little person that have the word for some other people are like yes what is the whole organization Little People of American they do you know amazing things that scholarships they cuz like when when a baby has a disability sometimes their parents will give it up for adoption like adoption coordination for people with that kind of think so I think I’m not a fan of that it’s just me saying that like as someone who was in Middle School when the train was change from 4th to know a little person and I was just kind of supposed to be like okay great that’s what I am now with all these Winston Churchill
what time is it I didn’t get a choice in like how it’s just like that’s what I am now and then if you double down with long curly hair play the violin and making fun of you is like a like a like a fucking yeah
you couldn’t take her to pick violin up like 6,000 black kids
food just would go out into the world and go where though and I’m not I don’t believe in magic but
God damn it I guess that’s not that’s not a joke proposed in the post internet error and people think I’m exaggerating when I say this but I have I photos of my eighth-grade graduation like where it’s like, Chloe and delightfully evidence I was like one of like I would say in a 2000 kid junior high I was probably like that sank like one of 20 white kids there was a thing of Milwaukee which is like an effort to like like you know they try to like try to try to desegregate in both directions try to like so they had a computer specialty program in the basement of an inner city middle school so that so that I would come in and and learn to program in basic like in the in the in the basement of this place in like like like very naive
like attempted to like something’s wrong and we got to like take a proactive step but I experience is that because I went to a high school where it was flipped and it was like we were fucking horrible and it’s like I never got beat up for being white I never got I got I never got like there was never any jokes there was never any dehumanization at all I was never nobody like made me nobody like wanted to party with me like I was a nerd but I was like I did not feel inhibited or where was your school, Southern Maryland DC area I mean you know before mention Pokemon and violin kinda
really believe and then like other kids with them like they I don’t know is but I mean that’s not realize that sounds like the most sweetest thing to say like I was accused of favoritism you think it actually could have been maybe some even tiny way White Privilege or know that that was just I mean I didn’t know enough about my memories of that timer that would be amazing if I don’t know a lot of practice operations
play Le Miserables situations in a pre-internet world so now there’s a whole new generation but at this moment there’s still has tendrils even though we’re not talking to each other and sharing stories and everything’s ready for both but like in my growing up I saw every kind of configuration you could see and I remember noticing I was like that guy is being really mean to that guy like this the person has all the power and they’re and I and the reverse of it like I had in that in that school I mentioned like all of my teachers for black and I felt the I felt the reverse like saying I was like good like I deserve it. There’s fucking like this shity like they’re at their 12 years old and they’re writing like with magic marker like they’re they’re it being indoctrinated we all were in do like gang culture like
how to beatbox by 11 years old and it because I knew how to look right there right gang signs and stuff it was like if you’re a teacher and you bothered to like dedicate your life to like molding minds and you see that happening on the way out the door of your school you’re going to get mad and you’re going You’re only human too so when the white kid raises his hand for every question you’re going to start treating them like a piece of shit don’t you fucking cool at nerds like let late last night when I raise my hand I just like also I didn’t like putting that into myself to begin with his when I like
cuz I’m from about six through and say probably 14 when I start going to high school and I was like I didn’t realize it’s cuz you’re just kind of focus on yourself but I mean everyone gets bullied and that kind of thing but seem like
if you guys are going to hate what he’s about to say
you said you didn’t actually get bullied so late like like that behind your back. Never works out like like literally just like your short or is it you know like at
bigger than yours are lagging so sorry I didn’t know it’s based on my list of all I got calluses all over that part of my brain and I like I can take a punch like whenever people that you can’t do something I’ve always want to say no when I talk to you I am going to like his doctor still don’t know a lot about look at the figure why was backstage and there’s like maybe leaving less than what I’d estimate has like 35,000 people
Google it motherfuker a thousand people in the US that was a very very low I mean it’s around 40,000 really is that is there any like like looking back through history of like is it is it must have been the same throughout history as a gun up and down or do I don’t even know that well and historically
I mean people work days were kind of killed a lot when they had differences that we kind of like that so it’s and also record-keeping wasn’t going to be wrong so I’m not even going to attempt to say which one it was but there’s like pains the stuff where you see people with very highly respected Physicians like you know with the whole Branson with every thought to be more intelligent that kind of thing in some cultures button you know where are we
cheaper to feed the dogs
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, never misses that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes related my own life so it’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerves like ever you’re always in good hands
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we live in this Lake first world Empire where we I think among the many assumptions that we don’t know we’re making is that morality like particularly in Turkey morality it it’s not like genetic it’s not born into you it doesn’t make it not valuable like we have this like misconception that like really uncomfortable truth is that human beings are designed to survive wherever you might happen to drop them and that is if you are living in a society that is hateful you will not use the word hateful to describe the thing that hateful you’ll use the word normal to describe the word hate. Artin versus the example I always use cuz they had this is like really historically documented incredibly specific Society
in that world they weren’t like like man this is fucked up late like I’m sure somewhere and then they got killed because the bed and and like some sweating like have acid reflux and go to a therapist and I can’t figure it out and they’re like oh well you’re a Spartan and you’re supposed to be living in Wisconsin in 2016 where everything is very enlightened thanks Doc I’ll move there right away it was a therapist was a Spartan and said you should have your head cut off the it it it we and we need to acknowledge that not because we need to hate ourselves why we need to be proud of the fact that we’re able to adapt to anything but we need to get we need to like the illusion that we have some inborn sense of right and wrong and it is is this dangerous as the other thing that that that is this illusion that if you say the right now
nation of words you can you can make everything better and I think that whoever smelt it dealt it rule because now and I were talking about I’m a writer and producer talking to an actor and so like you were just telling me in the Green Room like you were obviously any that you said you just went out for your first part that was like that had nothing to do with yours it’s been one of you know she’s she’s cool with sending at me out for anything that you know young 20s or late but I’ve been getting called in a few more times recently for stuff that’s not exclusively for a little person or that kind of thing and break down my cousin actor it will say of all ethnicities all shapes and sizes
nerdy hot and I think there was I was I was about to ask the same question to you is are you seeing any opening up of that gate to that was I’m actually meeting such things when they say that well I think they’re the fact that I’m even getting in the room now is to speak to something is because you know what they Asian technology and stuff you can look at someone’s entire thing without ever meeting them and you know I don’t pretend logos on a casting offices and never been in a like on that side but I feel like you know once you look at someone’s really like all right they’re very clearly not what we’re looking for it helps you narrow down completely and now they couldn’t even come down to essentially what the character needs to be as opposed to what they thought the the silhouette of that person to be and I feel like I was more Young
are more open-minded and that kind of thing become in divisions of power or they can you know like ironically if you’re over 50 you’re not allowed to be a writer. I just thought it was. I just wanted to dip that in any of that like I didn’t know that I should do that legally yeah I know why you didn’t hire me will start with writers and I I know this first hand and it’s also like important for me to say this is a hundred and eighty degrees point of view hundred and eighty degrees from when I was your age when I was your age I was unemployed I wanted to be the best writer in the world I wanted to save the universe with my words and I was also it was
realizing it I was just like the voice of like you know holding things back because I would get my Writers Guild magazine which was being printed with the money that I didn’t have is like a broke my tooth last month but because I didn’t do a rewrite on the Beetlejuice cartoon this month I can’t get it fixed and and the money is going to like this glossy magazine and every time I open my mailbox and there’s always some ugly face looking at me that’s a successful writer doesn’t his peanut head
what would he do that so cray I traded everything
wonders why you making a speech it but the writers of the hundred and eighty degree Harmon as a politically as a writer is throwing literally throwing one of those wga magazines across the room because I had just looked at this side bar item that was I called a report card about diversity in writers room for something like that I saw the word that I didn’t even see the contenders through it and doing it people think that the white people that are doing that are doing it because they’re racist they’re doing it because there are they there probably drive from privileged combination of that and like fucking like Underdog syndrome everybody’s an underdog so like I was like I’m the best writer in this fucking City and the union that represents me is to this is spending money and attention on
competition between who can hire more people that have different shape hats then who is the best writer and I would I would I would say that I would imagine a chorus of super talented black writer behind me going fucking go man cuz I don’t I don’t want I don’t want any fucking handouts and I want to be a good right I feel like I want to be known for my writing to that was diluted the difference is I had to become a showrunner I had to be in charge of hiring I had to have a stack of script on my desk and be like oh oh Harvard Yale Harvard Yale call needs to be broken at any point along the chain blah blah so like like the new saying now the bleeding edge of this is like it’s like I just finished a script with Chris McKenna would like effectively Ranch Community five and six with me and was like the reason why communities good we because we’re old white men who are like in the Twilight of our ethics
I just want it like we want to write another good one you know and unlike do everything right from square one we’re like writing the script together and we’re having all these conversations going like how do you you like okay is it possible to write a gender-neutral character so far it turns out the answer is no they’re not possible to to like leave it up to the casting director without the script reading like toothpick instructions to moving the act like there’s a way I’ll try to get more talented but like ultimately what I ended up doing is going this chair is introducing the character this could be any gender we’re going to call him and he just so I can get the script finished lightly put its Jen with a gender-neutral character what’s important is their age sometimes
because of the dynamic that they’ll have with the person in their forties depending on the situation we we we talked the entire time and I have a point to all of this we talked the entire time I was like that you know there’s like noble-minded bucking like like middle-aged white writers were going like how do you accomplish this what do you do like like the thing that we kept saying is that having this like weird debate about was like okay there’s this this buffoon in the scripts the Michael Scott figure is like the he’s the guy that you loved the feel bad for slash foot in his mouth you know we would have endless conversations lately just like hand that we know that can be a woman if the actor is is is the right after ultimately though as a as a comedian as a comedic writer who worships at the altar that is so much higher is there a craft that you’re betraying even by 5 /
spent in the interest of like progress or anyting should that buffoon is it is it is it an extra 5% funnier if he’s a straight white male is it does it go down 5% for the sake of progress if your buffoon for instance is is a is a woman and very happily that never came up with an answer so we just wear like okay let’s just keep thinking of this guy we work with and using him as look in her head and like let’s just make sure when we get if we start to get a pick up what we got to we got to fight this battle in cash staying we got to stay in here and see if she can do this like Michael Scott character yeah you wish asshole
did the make no eye contact and said you wish at all to myself you thought there was an asshole
last part of my story that the cautionary tale for the future cuz it’s still it’s up to writers and it’s fucking like I was on the phone cuz we turn to the script in there like this is awesome let’s get on the phone and talk about What actors to give this to holyshit this is never happened like oh my God I can’t believe were talking about this guy and this guy and this guy and this guy and this white guy at this white guy and this white guy and this white guy and I didn’t even it was like 40 minutes into the the conference call and I was like looking at headshots that was like this is a blizzard of a very talented blizzard
I am I am my cup runneth over with Reds and
and then I had to like I’m not I’m not telling the story because I’m any kind of hero in it I’m telling the story as a as a as a like I was so funny I forgot I fucking forgot until halfway through the conversation and then I was like oh yeah and then I was like this something that unspoken casting directors have to run their thing like a Target they have to know where the where the big shirts are on the small shirts and the dark shirts and the checkered shirt they have to if they don’t know that they’re part of their job is a casting director not the whole job they’re doing it wrong they have to be like a wholesaler of corporeal Humanity oh you want a little person I got I know a fucking great actor who is a little person you want the word little bring the change out of my jurisdiction
zip at the other end and the other part of their job is is like curating talent and going like no I’m not going to send you a little person is also a hack and all the shit and also hopefully going like look you said this character it can be anything I’m sending you the the most likely the best actors I have my favorites they like that’s what a good casting directors do they already do that it starts the important thing that starts with the writer as much as it’s a it’s a writer has to be like if you in TV they have to be like
you’re going to think of like fucking white people from your neighborhood if you don’t if you don’t like the blue wire the blue wire
Princeton’s the Arbiter character you know a guy named Albert we are we are our friends the real David who is is he is 18 daisies Arabic Arabic he’s like I’m basing it on this person important the regionality circle of friends stop being a white dudes from Milwaukee and then why did some Los Angeles whatever you started to have a bigger group of friends you meet call and you meet more women you meet people that like like you can start writing as a writer and say I’m writing this around an actual person that you should meet and then not even be that person at the end of the day with when they when they cashed it and it went to make the show
but you start like focusing in like Auntie like the reason why we’re doing this is not randomly trying to be diverse we’re riding is because I hung out of the bar with Colin and the car doesn’t have to be have dwarfism I just think it’s way funnier because I met him or talked to him and there’s an essential quality here at does the lazy answer but it’s like what if if if what you’re doing is really specific as in that example that go with God and do that use that technique I wrote this for my small friend, and I had a conversation with him and I have this vision of the character even though there’s no mention of it in the script like I it’s important blah blah go ahead do that when you don’t have those specifics and you are picturing either yourself or Steve Carell you aren’t doing anything wrong you’re just not doing a thing as a tip
writers don’t do it like especially Raider producers were comfortable for you you trying to get the script so you trying to get it mail ask you so should go to your script and go how many of these jokes are based on him like like oh here it is like they needed extra bounce card but then the complexion of his face like reflects the sun like there is nothing there to bits like that doesn’t matter what it is that you cute but you should picture Steve Carell cuz you’re picturing like this funny person of this with the prayers always work but then you have to stay like to the casting director Lake end in the network and Studio have to go like we got to like put we got to exercise a muscle that’s like not atrophied whatever the word is when it’s like not even used with a with a start doing crunches with this muscle where we make sure that were there the day that it’s like a cattle Hall and all the cows are coming in
when you go in for casting is it specific to who you are and what you look like or how often is it not like you feel like it’s honestly like they’re open for seeing you like cuz they’re really it’s like a probably
70% it’s usually cuz my size or 8:30 ish house for that much so I mean it’s not like
that it would be scared if you like that type of the scuffle of some sort of like movement in that direction like you feel like it’s like shifting into a more yeah I think it’s time for people different ethnicities for four different genders for you know different like gender identities that was black and had the fuck is that you have a second I mean yeah probably honestly and we were talking about this a little bit before I don’t know if you remember but like how that I am both privileged and not privileged at the same time which I like when I’m walking down the streets of New York cops like smile and say hi
never ever not a little person black person to to be around me but I’ve never wanted it more than right now because I’m so fat I want to know like I would say like oh yeah cops like I’ve no idea like I wouldn’t know and doesn’t mean I would never you know like cuz it could go either way the cops are smiling at you encounter or just for do anything until the first day of Isis terrorist
I’ll be with you guys
I would be offended if Isis was trying to capitalize on like being a nun diversity or diversity in Paramount
amazing crash that bus into that fucking school and then there was a fight this is only goal was to win the floor of my fucking hit us we’re not our wallets cuz you know what will will bail out corporations if they go bankrupt it is you want but they hit us it is forever fucking thinking we’re actually proud of ourselves and I have a bunch of beautiful post-feminist naked women like like like just blow some shit up and and be like yeah I accept my sexuality I have a agency and I love Isis this is my friend the African American African Syrian little person that he he freaking loves Isis to answer the question I asked you first
I’ve never I’ve always wanted to be as an actor I want to be in a western I want to be in a horse I want to be running like riding fast on a horse in the shooting at Remington and like I want to be like in the western I love Weston’s what if you could be any role I could you have any character or style genre that you’d like to be in honestly I think that it would make the strongest
ain’t like what I would want to do is probably like not something that just roll it honestly just demonstrates an aspect of my Humanity play something to me like that like you know in the in the way that kind of brought cities doing was turning the you know how men treat women on its head and that kind of thing in it and it’s like pointing out how stupid the comments that men make towards women are the End by like and there’s this
another Cyrano de Bergerac how someone calls and big nose and then he comes up with all these more clever things that they should say and it would be something like that where it’s like turning in one of my friends actually like his he’s going to something somewhere because he was like me and I make light roast or 10
the human dehumanization Palooza
what is racing like I sound like you were saying it’s only cuz they grow up
and that one went over your head and that kind of thing is like that but not use it cuz it’s just easy to make the obvious jokes and that kind of thing with your friends and my personality or anything I did that night I think it’s fun to fire off but he can an infant joking trash-talk what’s your familiar what you get bored with shit that’s what that’s what progress is basically it’s like
hello please got those green pants
check all the hands yeah I know that was a classy move like a Spencers and one of those guys that when he comes up on it I like I like shake the hands of the front row like we did that I don’t know I’m a cowboy Toby from Michigan
Stephanie
dead or alive
has a great Showbiz trick that when politicians use all the time has taken from Showbiz is the fake pointing to people that you see in the crowd
Springsteen’s always like I like it guys named Tony up on the mezzanine
I didn’t I never really thought that that was fake because I think I
because when I always think that’s unprofessional
Chris is just too personal. Just realized I’m thinking that like sound of someone I just point of view you can only the first five rows Nancy Cline
plans within that lighting to artisanal Life by his mother’s cesarean pouring out of the of the sacrifice she didn’t make
has beams at the start of the cycle he’s lit by the anxiety you have
for being an atheist at 11 years old people’s projects so I’m sort of gearing up to start making more of those weird shorts that it’s under the name black empowerment Network to make more of those and probably embarrass you like three of them I think of you like looking like you’re on some sort of 35 mm set somewhere but it’s just it’s just me working other people’s stuff park ranger
the Weaver imagine Gumball on the show like on the on the podcast I was listening to go watch all of Gumball and watch how good do more just really really mean it’s a short series that was done in the last 25 minutes but it’s but that was Kyle Ryder and also math freund and just three of us together just sort of saying what can we do that’s absolutely insane and driven Bronson meets Arsenal Meats
I would pitch that the Kyle for everyone that we would shoot every month. Maybe he’s got this jacket on directions to Collin it because it also felt like in that Gumbo series like the you guys collectively I always imagined were talking about that you like movies like a sexy beast you’re like that you like but British in India movie and that it was beyond like that we have grown Beyond oh let’s make a space movie because space movies are silly and will only make our own space movie and I’ll be silly was like Channel 101 that involved in the like let’s actually do what we really really really want we like the flavor of like this actually like quality synonym of its being imported and Kyle call me one day when Drive came out everybody was going crazy about resin and
I was like people haven’t seen Valhalla Rising they haven’t seen Bronson Davidson Pusher and whatever it was I was like the first movie that has made and and mother all these dry. He’s coming out in Kyle called me names like I want to make something or make it with you but I don’t want it I don’t want it to be sort of reference and other things other people see it start at a certain point in giving their have you seen Bronson and that time I was watching Bronson on YouTube with Swedish subtitles in English subtitles and I was like yeah. I’ve seen it and I got what are we start there and then we just started with this thing where I was like what about the idea of a guy who sees Bronson and says that’s my fucking life
but that guys like where is the actual Charlie Bronson that where his at the life is worth a 2-hour movie with this guy’s life is worth a five minute short with something really mundane but also have some pop to it and the next day I just woke up out of a sleep and see what his name was Bryant Gumbel
he’s a good guy is named Brian got when we started from there so I shaved my head and and and then I said he has to love arsenal and I was like yeah whatever
Arsenal has an English soccer team ever been a number-one talk to table you can suck on
probably just as an actor that loser cuz you your first answer was just like oh you like to do that to that scene from Roxanne where Steve Barton gets all the fucking big nose jokes out before the police do but like is there like just as an actor like what’s the action figure like like like what do you like I’ll start unlikely because he said he was going to be a cowboy shooting at a thing like I want to be the soccer Berg Howard Hughes like the I want to Steve Jobs like that if the guy in the in the in the scene look at what I’m going to have a guy that people would love to fucking murder and and they can’t and and and like they said that lives by his merits and that is is misunderstood misjudge like I want to do those monologues where they’re written by Aaron Sorkin types who are like late were you
bucking like praising exactly like big big like what’s something that is not likeable necessarily but it’s just like the verbal equivalent of the Hulk finding a car and halfway up his own ass and then pulling it out of his mouth the size of a ping-pong ball and throwing it away which is like in in in in the social network is that moment with Zuckerberg like whatever that model I guess when he goes like everyone in this room has one thing everyone in this room that wants to say they invented Facebook has one thing in common they didn’t invent Facebook is like the tone of the the the sea like is there a fantasy of like like just as an actor like what the kind of like monologue like what what what what point of view the model of my come from that you feel like you could like nail I think something yeah I think it would be that long lines of
Kevin Spacey / Bryan Cranston from House of Cards and Breaking Bad especially when they just say something like how am I like we’re just so clear that they’re such a dangerous person and but they’re about to go and make the people around them trust them and I think something about good bad guy Lego strangely horrifying bad like bad guys bad guys come in all sizes
I’m just talking about like I contact like like physically violent the ones that have a sublimated like the internal things so many like thugs in The Wire that you’re terrified of a different way I know it’s the fall in love with him like he fits in a fucking like ultimately like a pot a spot in your tacos to know it’s so what’s his name I can’t remember his name the guy who wins I want to spoil the wire the guy who’s the last man standing Marlow never raises his voice I don’t think of the entire run of the show he’s like end like it’s fucking terrifying cuz he’s sending people out to kill people on yet I mean would you but you said cuz you said
you use two examples used Kevin Spacey in House of Cards and what’s his fucking Breaking Bad these are these are both people who need a chance you said as of then they’re going to go out and prove what they’re going to go kick ass
Pulliam well I thought that would be too obviously trying to say hey I can be a bad at Macy in the in the movie Glengarry Glen Ross. Ross Star Wars
something I was based on a novella something Death Star Wicked comes
if my level man that’s my level complex I am Carmen Carmen hairs to split in that movie Malice is fucking great really good rent in Wrentham outlets and check it out in the cold with me and Alec Baldwin Bill Bill Pullman car is just like I mean popcorn eat like Thriller like twisty Thriller the it’s the Bill Pullman later the opposite side of the story from that are Bill Pullman is talking to Nicole Kidman and she says I’m not going to give any spoilers but she she says what do you want that’s the queue for his monologue at the end of his monologue is like I want half what the fuck
do you think I want I did as I mentioned earlier I think the biggest problem the the thing that keeps hatred move and culturally in this country is the fact that Donald Trump right now somewhere is talking a little did he had into a pillow going like to talk one up for the little guy
I need a telegram home. I still want a Gene’s DNA I don’t see it in him I think that it’s actually more dangerous when like like people that have all the power they would like I can attest to it it’s like it’s it’s everybody everybody that’s 50 feels 25 and everybody was all the fucking power feels like an underdog the dates that is like that at the root of every argument UC flare up and every comment section of every unrelated YouTube video of guy holding a sparkler and Sue the N word is not far it’s a guy is not black the sparklers not spelling I think it’s like
the politics like fucking explode underneath this thing in the Villa all these cars are going to do this one or the right in a circle for 15 second what’s the reason of that the reason that pot keeps stirring is because of this like concept that everybody is capitalism the greatest success is that you’re never Spielberg is going to bed somewhere tonight going like me and I could just have creative control
for real or he wouldn’t do the shit he’s been doing you think even after all this time you even think of going to bed one night and I did it
the next thing that would happen would be 60 of the greatest movies shot on the shittiest camcorder and the world they be fucking great if I think it’s going to bed
time I’m going to get a fiber optic cable to my place of the Hampton and I’m going to make the dinosaurs myself this time
and his wife is going like sweetie you’re a genius, play your wife I’ll just be gone next week.
Some Depeche what’s the deal what’s your fantasy like it if you could portray or anyting yeah I’m a real I’m a real actor and heart know I don’t know what kind of things do you like the guy who liked reveals that he’s the one like touching all the pieces on the chessboard you know he’s like he has all these people and I was pulling the strings forever you know like one of those I can’t I don’t watch I’ve got a good one you you probably never seen the Peter Johnson adapted Glengarry Glen Ross there’s a there’s a there’s a everybody gets a model like in that movie but I feel like he would want the Kevin Spacey window when he takes Jacqueline
go to lunch and then it cut the lemon and lemon juice got this like cookie in his hand he’s like there’s a serious badass women in private and that’s what I’m saying like he likes to be the guy that you underestimated that turned out to have all the Yeah Yeah Yeahs is a cousin of mine but like second cousin but the deception removes me and then the Alec Baldwin I’m removed from because he already he was a doctor like the medical association already accepted him
I want to be a fucking reaving I want to be John the Baptist
forget Jesus Christ know it he didn’t get angry enough John the Baptist Jesus got angry special what if version of the story where he cuts everyone else’s head off
you be a good like I had to remake the film The Ten Commandments is hilarious because you have every great over after and and in one movie but like good as Pharaoh like a jewel Brynner because you wouldn’t be like so let it be written so shall it be done
do what I told you to do I give you more
if you feel like God is giving you notes how many how many
people that have to worship 24 Locust not to eat My Cry
I mean
are you at yoga how about you how about like Marc Anthony like Marc Anthony I don’t know enough about the him he was a big sexy macho guy who saw Cleopatra I haven’t seen Wizard of Oz
you haven’t seen or or Cleopatra right writing about Cleo is that what he’s doing okay and it’s because of the AFI needed to round it up to 100 so they put like die hard in there
I like this is only 70
graffiti and people get on my ass about that I never got the morning, you know today I’m going to I’m going to be about cars
what’s up to the phone
the Ten Commandments come on you losers
oh everybody this is Wolfman Jack
it’s just that all the other hanging out all night there was it called Hollywood Nights. If there was like that was in the 80s that was Anne Frank write her friend yeah yeah yeah like I want to watch that again like to these kids don’t even know his Arliss let alone Knox from Batman but but like like like Robert wuhl as the sexy senior in high school Footloose at the hanging out all night moving no no no no no you don’t get it takes place over weeks and it’s there’s caucus do you think it has to be one night that 125 our affair
newest one that’s a different one it’s a comedy and not like a Hindi movie kind of like fuel this time and place thing as writers turned 40 and then they go man when I was 11 and then they write those movies and then you’re like this is cool cuz you’re Thirty and you’re like yeah and then you and then you go into a back room and there’s just had some a law living heads the neighbors keep complaining about the smell of stain
I meant I meant I’m a serial killer to meet their living to the mirror the more heads I add to the wall the more of an opinion I get the less likely it is I’ll kill again your dinosaurs have a profile like he’s only killing like white women with red hair and he’s like a trying to gather this like I’m trying to gather a sea of opinion
because in his mind instead of the dog telling him to kill people which is just has the shelf life because dogs whatever and also you’re crazy and you’re going to get caught job just keeps saying kill the Milkman a guy thinks that if he has enough heads on his wall The Voice will tell him like like okay now you can stop killing us so he keeps killing forever and the cops can’t catch up cuz all serial killer killer track is based on like these profiles and it’s like the guys just like I do I’ll use that gun hacks I don’t care listen to podcast
maybe it’s a true story and maybe their scenes where you confess is it in full View
maybe he’s always hinting at it is love of mannequin legs
maybe one day his wife disappears
remember that joke about white red headed people
scream like a throwaway when he first seven she’s gone where did she go
by the way where is Cinco de Mayo in a long time
Curtis Armstrong if you want if you want if you want to stop doing this podcast and unlike like our feel that you should like like like like just go to the harmontown subreddit which by the way don’t
look for any threat that has something to do with come out cuz I like I missed Kumail I’m not don’t click on it like it’s like oh you missed him out because the pack has of Jesus Christ I miss him too so I could still do podcasts that fucking subreddit I went there for a really specific reason and then I was like and I saw one would look at all that I really miss Kemal am I okay so you really think the podcast dirty John episode VI let me get you and then I saw one I was like okay before I go there was one that just said like his this subreddit for complaining or liking
you said that it was the one that the headline of the did anyone else hear that you’re having a stroke
I clicked on it
there is nothing when I was a there’s nothing
is someone hates a podcast and they one I like like
duende
green pants black man who doesn’t exist on my horses legs
The Borgias next your whatever you want
yeah yeah yeah yeah
hey
hangout enough
you should go back to the crib tonight like I’m having a real bomb board games
I love board games
gazpacho
no matter how it taste you can’t get alarmed
what is the sign for poison ivy
nothing was radiation poisoning I wouldn’t be able to taste it like younger like partner and she’s like you know this so hard to profile is all these people keep disappearing but they’re all over the country all over the map I’m not getting any likes profile but all of the beats and potatoes are disappearing her all the market right now
you and the harmontown subreddit right now he’s not you saying I took a good Hornet’s Nest to tap I just
it’s not you
like this I don’t like that that’s not what it is but first my personal nightmares gets hurt and it’s also it’s not anybody going cuz there’s always a war going on between those people that people going like that I think it’s great that you’re free podcast why don’t you shut up I don’t like want you to choose to master more the worst the problem is the fucking war is a battlefield because both conversations going out of the people who are who love the podcast guy look
damn the bad person he has a lot of flaws about himself but he never said he was a good person I mean help sometimes I find myself cringing or puking after a show that I’ve deleted from my hard drive cuz I never want to accidentally hear them again
I want to win an argument with you
don’t do me
an argument between you and someone who hates me to fucking change hitting the floor is burning my skin when I was
young to speak to my first experience with this with my fucking brother and my mother would do nothing but incessantly argue about whether or not I was special but I got stuck in like a third person you’re a ghost in the room I’m just like I’ll just can I keep sucking this doesn’t have to do that Daniel special pants all the time well look I wish you’d stop that but
smarter than you have been saying that for years day
yes he is he’s way smarter than you
his writing
what do it right now right better than Daniel a far far better thing that Tales of Two Cities you cock sucker go in the basement and I have to be up here with the kids I can’t stop shiting his pants that’s how shity you are so much and third act problems with the last draft go to your room and write a story about a guy that showers
I was with am I going to get a break as a person I got pregnant at a high school
so anyways
can we do a better role-player know because I don’t know the last one was pretty great because nothing happened except we ruined another what we had a run-in right I mean something like that you were in a library I mean you guys went to the library to find out if I have comlinks on your heads could you just access that like on your phone do you have to physically go to the library I think maybe we could stop playing Shadowrun Lake location
moving to a world I’ll be transparent about this I haven’t brought this up yet but I think like like the as far as like the role play somebody tweeted and said oh Spencer should be promoted to Vice comptroller’s a good cuz we got to stop calling me gay Master cousin is going to play the the but I think we should like try to figure out how to actually like move a segment maybe into the middle and or like we got to like get things down to like we got to have people that are always here yeah because it’s just been too diffuse because the cast become six people that some of them aren’t that Camille Curtis Aaron get there like you do cuz it could be always coming here every week it wasn’t that he was a better person than me
he was just here all the time thinking about the days I’m coming I was here so funny I know he’s hilarious he’s turning in about how much more likable Justin Roiland is than me
yeah yeah
what I have to deal with if we are we going to stop playing Shadow and move on to something else
the fact that you don’t know who that is because he’s a good one
heart on my sleeve baby dinos like like Albert Schweitzer compared to him
anyways back baby new episode for word so hey guys OK Google, call yeah yeah I’m lower I’m down here tables I’m off this conversation for the should go forward Mayer and white comforter we could just start playing like a different game like boxing
text Ray Tobias that good podcast material I mean we were supposed to get our fan are you at extra video right now that’s a good old-fashioned bear baiting animal up on stage and just for the bear
we’ll have to figure it out I’ll stage the one thing I thought of was to play that game forever Adam Goldberg everybody is kind of cool and it’s it’s more and more fuck around I don’t know is if you know like twenties in fast-talking detectives and mad scientists teas and stuff like that I don’t know seconds per week and we don’t really like to do is suck a big old dick
the people don’t pay $5 a month to subscribe to the video don’t know the Dan didn’t say that
is that like it’s a personal issue but eating those balls
Dan Harmon balls
do Sam Elliott doing a commercial for eating balls
you know all the glitters ain’t gold
we’ll just one flavor I’ve come to know and love
balls
what’s for dinner
play Sam Elliott there’s a place in the Northern Colorado or the river runs so deep you could stick your dick in it
I’m saying so just the penny part of me but I want to get a Call of Cthulhu game going because just stick it up Thomas middleditch has ass because he belongs to him
he’s got an ass hole so deep you can put your dick in
what is Call of Cthulhu to the University of craft if that’s all I can say is there a serious commitment to the flavor at the universe the very total game it’s all about the horror and the paranoia of dealing with the ancient one off-stage will come up we’ll come after us in a way that we can come out this and know that if we end up playing Call of Cthulhu conversations got very uncomfortable for Spencer
to the point where he will be under protest I’ll still do it cuz I get paid so much but he doesn’t get paid when we would we see what it lead and be allowed to play that legally cuz harmonquest are we allowed to be adamant that the trying to think of it as far as the letter of the contract goes Its medieval fantasy that we shouldn’t like like leg and told but I think we would have been that really into fantasy British Premier League soccer
I will tell you this for sure the most important thing to solve is Personnel like like like yeah we could we could engineer the game of he wanted where there was a guest player but they would be designed to be always pocketed but it’s like we got to make sure like people are reasonably always coming
D&D it was you and I doing these little mean a bite-size single week of you and I could remember what you are going to do the thing that’s what those are the golden goalie modulus for 15 minutes then it was six people would four of them are like I have a purple Mohawk and have never seen this one of these words mean like a Mike well I know everything that’s going on and it was in a blackout last time we played I think I never got to do anything like it’s like in the night because it was anybody else’s fault like I just we just never I never knew what the fuck I learned a lot about Norway
I’m only on I did research
cardigan with a rich tapestry of the few times Curtis played Doctor friend hard fast decisions that were like that were beautifully Aston marble like I was really good he was like look I don’t want to talk about that
I feel
he approached it like at it like an actor anyway speaking of actors let’s let’s make sure the Colin Colin have you ever done that role playing games before you be able to make a DND yeah I just a little bit taken seriously not doing you any service with all my heart so much as my spirit
you know
it’s like my heart great it’s always always doing fine that thread in this subreddit that I did click on cuz it was like everything I know there was a guy that said something like that well you know part of it is cuz it was arguing with each other sizzling bad it was that there was two people arguing and then it was like Spencer doesn’t come in just to please people saying bad things better comes into the bottle but there was a guy was like why don’t you just say you don’t like me
macarons at exactly what I was thinking that is what I’m talking about
who knows exactly what I was I would have typed like I was I was like yeah what are you talk one of these fucking clones play
how did I find out what makes you feel something
is there something we’re not getting about the internet’s is that only the people that were here before the internet understand which is that when in doubt fall back on what would make you a dick if you were talking to the person face not just if somebody on Twitter is just like like I went to I went to Amy Schumer Twitter feed because I was like she’s got to have this worse than anybody lately and I was like I like morbidly curious I got up just like looking to take a fucking crack open the Covenant are unlike just lately and I went to her feet and she loved her latest things you had posted was like a photo of her on stage it was taken from a low angle cuz it was taking him somewhere in the front row I think and so she captioned it
my chins up for charity like September getting First Response just so fat
can’t respond to that she can’t go hey fucknuts.
You’re shooting me through a whole I got through
fuck you you piece of shit why are you trying so hard to hurt me I’ve already fucking been vetted I already know how to hurt myself how can you do this like why are you trying to hurt people and if she said that then Not only would there be a bunch of people like lining up to go
I’m telling a story of a TV show
you’re as dumb as me and about and to respond to that shit there would be subconsciously people that would go like like Amy I love you you need to get away from the keyboard
you know I don’t make more money the more Twitter followers I have I’m not a senator I didn’t get elected I’m not here because I represent anything you can’t fire me fuk you I’m a horrible person like you I’m filled with Venom if I bite you you up
1000 turn on desk blowed in a green bucket explosion you will become a monument to not fucking with me never happened in a fucking party because you wouldn’t be allowed in cuz you’re 15 why are you fucking talking to me like this
what are you talkin to strangers like this you need to be
and I have
Sidney Starr
of me and better you than them
regarding people who happen to have more of whatever number of whatever thing you’ve decided to measure success by as being so high above you that they are supposed to be how to build a different rules and start realizing that you’re so fucking important than you
I’ll take a look sweet and you’re not fat
I think you’re I think you’re wonderful I don’t care I don’t care let’s go eat some cake that you would never go back fat
they hated
I hate it I hate it but anyways calling did you
holy smokes, brother
play something and it gets produced
tell the casting director at the studio of the network and you got to is this
great future we need standardized language we need to keep her guessing the March Brown everybody
good morning. Don’t have them don’t have too much
Spencer Crittenden
I’m Jeff Davis Bank exactly keyboard us tomorrow so Chris far up everybody back there everybody here at Mount now you’re married
drive fast take chances