Episode
Episode: 256 – Dan Harmon’s Top Five Shoe Jokes
Description
Rob Schrab is back! Dan sports a new look, tells his top 5 shoe jokes, then takes the role playing team on a wild adventure.
Transcript
Dallas Texas
kids do do I say why bury the good stuff has a great job.
Is there a harmontown the landlord of your heart
somebody else
give me trouble
are the for the homeless
Dan has what can only be described as a new look
I play the equal distance between Walter Cronkite and Captain Kangaroo
when did the little a little just a little suggestion of Stacy Keach
it’s for a movie
so you’re judging a movie star
see where that’ll get you in
throw your mud from beside the red carpet
it won’t mess it yeah it’s for a movie just because we had that I either I was walking and I was going like I’m going to go I’m a couple blocks from this bar I’ll go there and I’ll have a drink and then I’ll call an Uber or Lyft if you want to believe that I am helping hand just haven’t given up and don’t want to be talked to like this but all right
oh okay no I didn’t never thought I looked good but what I looked like before it was someone who didn’t care what he looked like this looks like someone was like what can I do how am I driving
and that’s the deal-breaker for me which is that begin and why is that’s a deal-breaker for me because oh I’m so honest I’m such an honest person and then I’m like we you should have a mustache the person I am inside looks like this
it’s perfect because this is how much I care I do want to be cool this much and I do fail this much this is who I should be this is how I should get used to visit it was a very big big video amazing beard and like I said you’re a piece of shit I don’t care. True
that’s not true I don’t think this looks as though you care how you look good as it says that you care about the fact that at 1 p.m. tonight 1 p.m. President Kennedy was pronounced dead
Dallas Texas on the plane
sing this is a journey I have to go on a diet because I’ll tell you kids like you have tattoos piercings and things like that I’ll confess to you I don’t feel this way anymore 15 years ago I would help you sleep for like a tattoo or something I would like to secretly my head I’d be like I don’t trust that person
because I do like one of their didn’t know there are there so scared like that they are there that you know no one’s going to notice or that there’s no way to know who they are that they don’t know who they are that they had to take these measures of someone down in that pie I wouldn’t even look down on them but I would be like a long with me because you’re supposed to do is do that in front of a typewriter about yourself before you put put a hole in your lips you can fucking just just just solve your esophagus with acid let you drink who I got court of a week for 40 years that’s fucking Lana
I just said sorry about that 15 years ago that I was ever like oh she has a thing in her nose at all. I don’t trust her that I trust you now
I think you’re cute but we trust you with this new look then that’s the question
as you see I keep I keep making a joke with a Santa joke do you know what I said no.
they should credit me is that it should be the movie should say starring Nick Offerman said no
every time I’ve ever gotten a job is because Jerry O’Connell fast times I give you the answer that we talked about that the Wolfman had nards
I deserved I don’t know why maybe when I finish this movie maybe I’ll cuz I was also noticing sideburns state were more likely to be older and overweight and so and sideburns kind of squeeze your face like bookends
and don’t say you’re just don’t
fuck you and you just come on
saying I can just tell him you gave you gain weight for the role
the men are like if it became more possible to be in the 60s like everybody was like what there’s beaches everywhere where the water is we should get down there and we should have all kinds of fun it was like it was like oh why didn’t they beaches were there in the forties and it’s like oh that’s where that’s where battles were happening
nobody wanted to do the previous generation
how many lives were lost in the great battle of Zuma
do you know what it probably is is like okay so you know you see like black and white photos of people at the beach and they have like the crazy like Charlie Chaplin swimsuits rest like you know that you have to cover more your body culturally yeah the one who’s always had a beach ball in an end and they had like a onesie and then like the the the standards for public like undress slacking do you think that the outfit got comfortable enough for people to realize how fun it could be at the beach and or the beaches got more popular because it’s where you could see any ever-increasing states of undress provocative things are happening down there these ladies got their boobies material let’s get down to the beach it’s nice down here
feminism has always had a strange creepy handshake with the Grody dudes like enjoying it though
you’re about as I hear about
appreciate it for what it’s good enough I just saw you going to miss us when we’re gone off to it
impossible no that’s not what I’m saying anything cuz I wasn’t enough now that we’ve gone through enough stuff we’re all brothers and sisters and burning did you found it was not you your 25 but like I think you’d look better so I’m going to burn them because like they’re like their shackles around my femininity and then it was like and then it and then everybody was just like okay they’re burning them and then and then aren’t they back and I was just like we never talked about it again can I get the three bras and
so you should have burnt the tips of the bras
that is the substrate in the 50s
to check it I thought all women would go like you are right you were right
we’re sorry we never we didn’t want to talk about we are bears we love bras they were all right. I’m so glad that you’re actively yeah really good I love when I do my self-deprecating thing and then you’re like crazy
hey ladies look at me I’m so thin and then you’re like Ben is an elephant that’s not very nice or helping at all fantastic you look like a like I was making I was using a metaphor what you just did was breaking it down because I was driving towards Elysium Park this morning and I saw a lady that was pulled over in a driving lane that it just finished up urinating in the street and getting back into her car and getting her shoes back on and all that stuff it was Ben see it actually happening but I saw I put together very quickly though that was just had to happen you didn’t see her child is this large puddle on the floor that was trickling down hill and I’m putting her shoes back on and kind of straightening out her one one piece kind of dress situation
it was all very, oh yeah
I was like man she almost made it but I saw
she was dying for a Pete got out and just took it in the street I guess she was right by a lawn but you didn’t go into the lawn
she might have thought like this is the first time I peed as an adult in the city maybe it’s disrespectful to do it on the lawn that was what you had on the sign she was holding
yeah I’m not sure what I do about traffic and I just had to get Trevor a story but he just peed his pants and it was kind of told us a silly
they just didn’t want to change out so you can pee your pants anytime you want now it’s not a crime
I got like a man driving around like looking for people with peeing their pants and me it’s it’s for you dry pants it’s a favor you do yourself you can have your gift if he that bad you can opt to have wet pants it’s a natural it’s an arguably more natural state of pants than dry pants like we go through our day route making trips to a strange room to keep our pants dry but it’s like that because it’s an unnatural artificial construct
dry pants it’s an Illusion by where the idea that none of us are peeing right now is a lie
there’s urine we are inside our body our bodies are 29% urine you can look it up you should you should bring your pants and protest
that mean that not judging is also a lie
Everything is Everything a Lie Is A Lie. My brain the only truth would be if you could know what I’m thinking and feeling if you were me is that the only the only thing that’s true is Silence has violated iced I put on a performance by wobbling the air with my mouth and then you get vibrations in your ear hole and then you associate those vibrations with a trunk in your head you open it up if I send you a heart emoji with my mouth then you have to load the heart emoji on your side you explaining communicate with you but
you could if you could theoretically neuroplasticity dictates that you could decide that when I hear the word cucumber I’m going to respond as if I heard the word dolphin you know I’m going to invite if I hear love I’m going to I’m going to think hate like you can you could just reroute your brain like you can go you can go to any point as long as you start being aware of what you’re doing then you go to these points in your brain and and so you don’t have to do anything because what happens is a new random natural thing you know the reason there’s a road to Rome from a gas station outside Rome
is because there was a fight with Romans were standing and then they were like I want to go to Rome and they started walking cuz they’re like we got to be over there whenever you at the gas station and they didn’t have cars yet but they had gas stations I would appreciate if that’s why Rome fell
they didn’t they like bitching serious or just coated in gasoline there was no tank and I would burst into flames would have been all the LED in that ghastly got another pipes and then that’s I think that’s where you want to go and then you leave the footpath in the person follows you no tell ya roads start is like foot paths and trails and things that’s like the path of least resistance is like a drop just takes a kind of semi shortest route to a destination so if you go back to a point in your neurology by being aware you don’t have to try anything you don’t have to be like I’m going to be different you can just go okay I’m going to be aware of every thought that I have and then there’s certain thoughts that have straight fucking shaved freeway to Rome which you think is the only choice you have to the point where you don’t even realize this is a place you can stop so you practice stopping
see I did it right now it was about to finish my thought but I do that all the time no I don’t
but you can just wait and see what happens if someone goes like hey peanut butter and you know I love peanut butter and then you don’t smoke anymore
I figure it out because neuroplasticity I just explain it
that was the first time I’ve ever truly understood what neuroplasticity wants and you can remap your whole brain going to just being aware of the things that happened to you throughout the day when you get up in the morning you can just sit there and go like okay so I’m going to move my arm and then it’s like baby steps in What About Bob maybe I don’t know cares but usually when I’m in this position room like I feel like nobody understands me then I like I freaked out so I’m going to stop then I’m going to take another option
I’m glad I should do this all the time
all is good as making everyone is smarter
all right
I guess tonight
you’re just on the keypad
oh yeah
there’s a joke but you’re no no it’s the truth
you clearly whatever
did I ruin your joke no no you’re just trying to cover for it now call term how is that
childish I guess age is killing people it couldn’t be more sensitive and terrible but we actually need to distinguish a few things linguistically cuz we’re trying to secure it and we wait we need to document all these things so there should be a difference between this and that was like well let’s call that one full blown AIDS
Jenkins yeah that makes sense.
I just see it and it makes you feel bad when you’re talking about it like it isn’t you know we all got a kick out of it we’re alright I finally looked it up I’m sure enough for the clinical term like that was a terrible idea that we talked about on the show before about Jay Johnson the picture of breakfast restaurants in Full full blown eggs
that’s the right use of full-blown
honey I want breakfast me to full-blown eggs with the band Imagine Dragons I have no problem with them and then I have a problem with the with the with the phrase Imagine Dragons because how could you
what does the one imagine if I’m imagining why would I imagine that’s like doing an impression of Homer Simpson in your stand-up act like someone else is it Imagination Dragons Imagine You Got Me dragons what the fuck
though
no I don’t know I’m trying to keep up just playing the music I mean maybe it’s maybe we’re going to find out it’s like like with Pearl Jam at it like means like something disgusting like Imagine Dragons is like when you stick your dick in a woman’s nose or something if Dragons lace Dragon sleeves
Jumanji. Dragon sleeve
you ever watch the really really rough porn we should bring Strava
The Hairpin turns I guess tonight is a civil rights activist and
he’s doing a lot of work with the antifa
hello hello Dan hello everyone
hey I just texted you a cliff YouTube if you want me to play stuff for them they’ve he’s over here okay
am I going to put my phone you can put it on that other thing
been awhile
while since I’ve been here everyone sorry Christ what the hell
Cher suck they suck so bad now they’re good
couch right there at the couch right there I can feel the padding
can you play I’m sitting in a Birdcage there’s a cow that alright I’m grabbing a pillow cushion thank you very much
Rob has because you know I love it cuz I don’t understand why it’s not going to work
this is going to be at
yay yeah he’s sitting on the cushion on the chair in a precarious tangle
should I just press play on and we’ll die
Oliver backwards around ya first of all
the name of the clip is man shiting on the street in Lahore Pakistan
did the did the guy stalking off camera that’s the whole okay all right
no no no
chipping and putting on his mirror
the one guy driving it on his legs he’s he’s good no no no no yyyyy no no no no
why why should can you can you bring up my my screen on my on my iPhone order
didn’t break no no no I just wanted to show him the text message exchange from shrub
oh I have two mirrors I really just brought the show to a halt so it’s not worth it doesn’t matter you could describe it right how you doing I’m doing okay how’s it going down
about brother
you ever think about that treasure map we found the ad
everyday everyday of my life start some kind of treasure team and yeah like some sort of
hey I hear they need some new people over at Coast it
why don’t we pretend to be interested in working on that show and we might be able to find treasure digging equipment right
what’s this song
find I got kind of invested it will give you guys a richer tapestry over there are you saying we one that’s what I’m here and we won we won the conversation kangaroo always when I read that in on Facebook like you and Mister Rogers despite being such great children the Entertainer’s you are a you are a motherfuker in Vietnam literally sat Charlie back into the bush
you are a badass in Vietnam Captain the truth are that right now you are going to Asian to check he was getting a little too old for this shit
yeah I’m just a couple weeks away from retirement
yeah or a principal
Give me the give me the
Japanese to English
Fort Lee the way to work
whoever committed this murder must have
who’s the chick on this one
so listen
did you guys know that did you guys know that the guy who came up with the phrase Murphy’s Law whatever can go wrong will go wrong basically we looked it up in the car over on the way over cuz we’re looking up eponymous stuff if that’s what it called Cody was cuz she was like learning about the bechdel test and then she’s like how many other animals things are named after women won the Streisand Effect and then everything else is kind of a guy that’s just like some price of ironic Irish thing or something like Luck of the Irish inverted or something I don’t know I just didn’t believe there was a Murphy but there was a guy whose nickname was Murphy but his full name was like kind of RoboCop now
I admit it was a longer name but they called a Murphy but he was a guy who made measuring instruments or something he was a hookup
so the reason Murphy’s Law is a thing isn’t because it’s like we’ve all adopted as a phrase that makes us think like well you do look give yourself a break like it goes wrong but it was it was it wasn’t even invented by the guy named Murphy it was like something applied that was like Murphy’s Law is that it won’t wear a guy probably he probably only didn’t kill himself cuz it’s news broke
he’s probably like what this isn’t going to last and being a couple of weeks and they’ll get sick of saying Murphy’s gone by then someone was like you do that thing you thought would happen it didn’t they went wrong everyone’s going to say you’re a fuck up for the rest of your life
then I’ll blow my brains out click Florida and Canada Alaska they’re saying it in Ontario
they’re saying it in China there saying it in Australia they’re saying it in Chicago they’re saying it and Lantus Singh in South America they’re saying it in South Dakota they’re saying it in South Korean they’re saying it in Milwaukee
all right I couldn’t use more of that in the holiday real
anniversary show the new trend is a is is ramen noodles on a big Trend right now I’m trying to set you up for your big mama noodles
you can’t mix trap do anything he’d sit in the chair he doesn’t do anything that you can if he’s if he’s not if he’s not in the show then he laughed when you book him next week and then he comes and he’s like going to be in a bad mood and is very hard to play Pictionary
you invited me up here and I know
I’m sorry Rob what’s your wife doing playing Magic I used to play with
we’ll be right back
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually no one but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes out the themes would like to my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like you’re always in good hands
adventures in Black Cinema what Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
meundies is the surface can I watch
hey man can I watch something are you doing tonight while I watch from the
what are you guys do when you get into a car
what what what are you doing
what did you say I have a question today
he’s only the glasses up to hit here so he can see the sound waves better
I’m hearing what are you
when you get into a car that you’ve called little bit sorry
when was James trying to make a point into shrub go to totally interrupted with his
what you guys do when you get into a Rideshare vehicle that you’ve ordered via the injured tubes and you get into the car and the driver says what kind of music are you interested in listening to
cuz I always had the same thing whenever you like
give me a swinging number out of her new single shit have you heard the new single person earn it you know is it
is everyone talking about it I don’t know what I’ve never heard it sounds pretty salty but like that’s nice I like that I enjoy that I also would like to be royal but don’t need to be so we’ll never be royal
and might I also don’t like to have a good time for Less overhead
Lorde
I also have people calling me queen bee
somebody you know who you are you thought you thought I was too funny
shame on you nystrom’s wife plays magic Murphy’s Law okay so do you know has this lizard in his house somebody that can take better care of it that said I wanted a bearded dragon at one point he got one
thank you take it out you let it run around and whenever it runs around a bearded bearded dragon. Stepping into the window and go
play Walk Like a fuck if I can I get used to laugh at me like a homeless lizard like like he’s going to find a condo he’s not going to even find a fly and he’s a lizard from a tank he’s going to go out there and he’s going to get his ass kicked by the rat race but that was in Tulum Mexico and we were eating nachos and there’s this movement over in the underbrush as a giant iguana
clearly like I didn’t wear underwear like oh God is it going to kill us if we intruded on its territory
I thought I heard Texaco so I don’t know what you’re sick, sick, okay
all right to attack us it’s like coming up to us and then we like or like I don’t know like we read through and not show it had ended in a different direction and it ran and started eating a nacho and then Cody was like oh God what if the nachos are sharp enough of eating nachos and I like looked up iguana on the internet no psychic says they can eat anything but that was largely but it is a biggest big one I’d ever seen and I started realizing the successful iguana for having done it ever seen what was the smallest
smallest iguana that you’ve ever seen
another iguana that I saw there in Mexico same day
maybe I’ll I can’t quite remember that okay
some research
he wants to know how many iguanas have you seen everywhere
all right so sorry something is funny is that iguana he’s not trying to escape from anything and sorry then I was thinking of Dino’s lizard when it’s like pressed up against the window it doesn’t have the word power to explain this to us and it doesn’t even know when it’s old lizard brain what is looking for but it can’t push the air
it is still facing it wants to be on a beach with us eating nachos lizards like to get out of here and be Lewis and Clark Ave Lititz I want to find a place where I can have food and shelter and sex and like watch the sunset with you you weird primate why are you keeping me in this unless Feliz in a in a hot guest house
and we’re like cuz you’re fun
but here’s a stick and it’s like I don’t know what do you think this because this looks like nature that I’m going to hang it on a stick it on top of your TV and I’m just going to chill and be as happy as I would be if it wants what we want the lizard wants what we want I don’t think any of them if they had the cognitive ability wants to be in a little tank in your living room with a stick no pet ownership is really immoral
that’s always saying right
we should probably start fixing this country starting with the top problem at ass
it’s National Dog Day Dan
did you wish your dog to happy national dog day Dan and Rob I did
I don’t know anyting
but I feel like I’m not diminishing I like I’m on my support your animal enthusiasm but it seems like there with you with me will decline of animal days but I’m conscious of because of your hashtags there’s a there’s not just one animal day a year there’s a lot of those national dog day there’s an international you love your pet day there’s a dog Defence day or stuff that good stuff like Mercy For Animals that’s not a day that’s just a thing you’d like to see so anything else.
like what are you want to comment on my what I’m wearing or you know my home anything else anything any other notes for my life
you’re flooding the market your you got to stop doing that
no telling how it’s okay go ahead
you guys are writing scripts together when you guys were alone in the room
why is the monster house is bitching that it’s selfish to bad friend
all right I’ll get it here
remember when I think maybe murder me and Pamela Peddler because we were sending him secret messages to your house and I showed you the stuff in your like what am I chopped liver
what is maybe it was me that was a story for only you and Rob was in the store and he has hit he’d sent a lot of letters to the to the Sony and a good they they they gave me a big box of them to wash their hands legally of it after the case was closed but I think this guy might kill you one day by anyways like a schizophrenic guy who thought there was like secret messages
I am writing to alert you to the fact that your movie is putting words in my head I just wanted to let you know that
it’s more like usually like you all that they already assumed that Robert zemeckis knows if they assume so he knows it in there Derek’s caught the writing to say don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing to me I know stop doing it or I want money cuz they’re convinced of this thing and then they’re like Dan Harmon and Pamela pettler are bragging about killing my daughter Monica house and I think
there’s no reason given it’s just Rob is just exercised from this guy’s butt murder fantasies
Dan Harmon an ampersand rub Travis and Tyler and it’s like he just needlessly remove shroud from his mental it might have been
did you guys go to the phrase Cakewalk is racist like everything else
damn
I don’t know why is a raise what is the origin origin I like it’s Elijah’s cake you remember when I say what
yes and he’s calling as a kind of party it’s a cakewalk is when you see like I mean I believe they’re doing this on Soul Train like you’re the you see clips of Soul Train Earth at weddings are things we had kind of a spontaneous line forms and people danced down the line like the Will Smith Summertime video via get that that’s what a cakewalk is it’s like people going down a line and you just getting points for style kind of thing thing is leaking so it goes bad, G goes back to slave times when there would be a cake awarded to the best style going down the line or something so then you is there anything you need
it is it doesn’t like you pull a cord 3in everything I’m going to buy land of the desert I’m going to dig straight down like Minecraft and just see what happens so yeah that sounds badass exhaust and I have a new friend that’s going to help me because he bought land in the stock exchange numbers with him and then he and then you know how you exchange numbers with people and then you and then you didn’t text your name to them cuz now they have your number so yeah and his first name cuz I don’t know what his privacy has there in the world
it was like like for instance John Pizza like he just tired of it and I was like cool and then his last name is pizza yes yes it is okay
stage name or real name Pizza
there is a first pizza I’ve ever met and then I was like I had to say I had to ask I said I said do you like pizza and he’s like and he said I knew what he was going to say everyone like pizza and I said I know that but everyone is not named pizza so I had to check cuz what if you were the one guy that didn’t like it new whole new conversation
I know everyone likes Pizza you know how Mexican people slice their Pizza
cuatro cinco
Little Caesars with Little Caesars
yeah I didn’t think the races now the insanity
but we found out that some of our audience is very racist
remember that quicksand joke that was I was I was that’s what I was doing cuatro cinco
look it up but if it was back in the walkie because we were in ComedySportz there was a joke telling contest at a shopping mall I wasn’t there but local celebrities to judge others comedy professionals so we worked at ComedySportz so we went to judge this kind of like joke-telling contest at a shopping mall and it was like the stairs there’s like eight people that are like in constant rotation just wondering by by why is there a stage here what’s going on and then they got like so we’re going to start the joke contest and just remember to keep it above the belt keep it clean no nothing overtly racial or profane they have this whole disclaimers like let’s keep it friendly and it’s a funny joke and then everyone’s just like so delightful and my bright-eyed no one’s like rolling or anything but everyone’s just like hearing that disclaimer than coming up a gun
okay great let’s hear for Emily and we really just want to it’s a joke contest in a shopping mall and we just want everything it didn’t matter what what color the person was what gender is like they all shared one thing which is a total of what I’m disgusting horrible immediately offensive joke that they had nothing in it and she goes out it was a joke it was the fakawi tribe joke she was so excited to try it was that you have you have you have you heard of the fakawi tribe the Native American tribe they they they they they they were famous for their sense of direction and they they they they mapped the entire pre-colonial Prairie
they didn’t use didn’t use mountains and use the ocean they would just whenever they would end up somewhere they weren’t familiar with they stop and say we
turn your old girls. I don’t know if it’s that one kind of I don’t know but I live
another joke damn damn how about a joke let me give you a subject shoes go
give us one of your famous Dan Harmon shoe jokes
top 5 Dan Harmon best shoe jokes starting with v joke
give me 10 shoe jokes Harmon will do his top five
joke starting with v joke joke
let’s stop at Big the bottom of the charge starting at the bottom going all the way to number one Dan Harmon’s jujo here we go
if you just do dinner we’re starting at 5 and we’re go to one here we going to take it away Dan
thought you buy Nestle Quick
listen to shoe jokes in you that makes you self Nestle Quick delicious
now back to the den hum in the top 5 shooting right after this message doesn’t come up anymore
there’s got to be a better way
thank you son catapult
we’ll be right back after these messages
I don’t come to where you work until you had to put burgers go fuck yourself what number are we at right now are there
with a bottle of champagne and his cock hanging out of his pants a shoe woman
can I help you sir and he says what do you have in an 11 and 1/2
she takes him in back there’s a sheep they’re wearing beautiful pair of ruby slippers on his front Hooves and these amazing Air Jordan cross trainers on its rear hoods
we like but it’s got this gaping mouth for a butthole or human mouth with teeth and lipstick at a time she says have at it and goes back to the front of the store he’s left holding the champagne and his cock
she’s sweeping up later he comes out with an empty bottle
and no cock
she says did you enjoy the the 11 and 1/2 he says at these prices I’m going to need more champagne
with Jim’s number four
only four more left
check out the Incredible Hulk versus Thor this Friday
whatever happened to Joe countdown what do you call a shoe with no soul
the top of a sock
alright whatever. How do I do it was sponsored by Del Monte fruit cakes
Del Monte fruit cakes when you are a little fruity
I have a date of Del Monte fruit cakes Apple
computers
timer back
countdown shoe jokes number 3
Why did the
why did the why did the why did the the Asian shoe
in a in a racist Society
go to the
horse’s stable when he felt untied
find out
after this break
between what are you wanting come on down to Bill’s cars
we got all kinds of cars we got cars from Alaska we got cars from China we got cars from South America from South Dakota. We got cars from bars we got Cars full of stars
all kinds of cars back to the show
they wanted to find the laces
who’s looking for the laces this is a racist Society
take place in the universe created by the guys from Game of Thrones at where
it’s okay to be racist
a dance is Susan from the from the ad for the network a great job I wish I had more time to come up with the jokes
yeah but yeah I know because people like people like to see that the process they like this either we all think you’re doing perfect with the fact that the process often leads to a not a good joke that it’s not that the process is more I think I think Susan but that’s on you that’s really on you you know we gave you this opportunity because you said you could come through so…
all right three more to go right to two more we’re coming back from Bill’s Tire spot in 10 seconds
why do shoes come in pairs
they like to converse
going through the roof.
Siri tell me the news of me oh my God. Oh my God
you think I’m Susan
Derry girls know why you calling me yeah you are
suck my dick
oh okay well hello
hi this is Dan Harmon
we rebuild the number one joke as the number one joke for a reason it has to top the conference get on this is got to be a joke all you have to do is tell one more joke before you go to tell one more joke because they like to it’s got to be so rude
1 North Duke Street Suite
all I ever do is just one more shooting only one more to go timer in 5 seconds on my God just put yourself out there sweetheart we love you break least I keep watching a show right now but you got the fucking ready to take a nap
here we go here we go and 543
what do shoes and tarps have in common
under specific circumstances they are covering corn
definition of shoes
are Kristen Bell husband production
Gary guess Savannah Harbor the shoes to stay at the Hyatt Burbank
Dairy Queen
oh my God I’m afraid to check the numbers but that was that was good right that was a pretty good last joke where it can I talk to you in the other I got some bad news for everybody here to talk to you guys before the reviews come in
a tarp can cover anything
I cheated
it’s not a good joke text sounded like one a tarp can cover anything
I started with corn I worked backwards I panicked
you guys the bad news is that the good news is we tried our hardest and we believe in the product we believe in the project has her baby and then you did your best out there the bad it is
the network wasn’t so much we’re going live for five more shooting
the people have spoken
Imagine Dragons
add some of the
delicious shoe jokes in America now he is a man of the hour with the Shu of a joke
why why are baby shoes like the president
but not that I’m not trying to seem designed to limit limits Mobility
Henrico County
Jackie Herman your earpiece what do Malcolm McDowell’s what you watching Malcolm McDowell
all right here we go
Pizza Hut my Pizza Hut deliver my pizza Sherman Way. I love you so much it was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen
I love you Gary
What’s My Name Pizza Hut
Susan Susan
I forgot to go to Susan we’re back we’re back we’re back last year
all right take us back to the joke game
what do Malcolm McDowell’s boots say
willy willy willy willy well
he that was a line from A Clockwork Orange
working at Salsa what brand of boot
a boy
what does Charlie Brown’s what does boot boot say
I got a back
do you want to go to commercial you got this
why
we could go to commercial you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to be a hero again
why are your shoes
like
Society
they protect you
they protect you while imprisoning you
god dammit Carrie. She told us he wasn’t going to do the political stuff he told us he wasn’t
experiencing technical difficulties
well that’s been doing cocaine please that we now return to real people already in progress
hey you know
trying to figure out how to make these cheese models work well what are you what kind of glue are you using
okay well let me help you out there
we are apples broadcast bring you an emergency service the dead are rising from the grave if you see a loved one unfriend someone you recognize and they are behaving erratically homicidally do not trust them lock yourselves in doors burn the corpses do not trust the Dead Rick which of the following Safe Haven Virginia invested like everything I own into that last hour but if I get a second I just got a telegram
Advance on the building is Dan still in the building let me check
yeah you still here
then get your ass in here please get your ass in here I don’t know what you think you were doing with that shoe right about Vietnam
one of our sponsors is the Viet Cong
steak Susan follow the money
but I got good news and I got bad news if you want to hear
news there’s two types go for it
the good news is the good news is
the good news I’m going to give you the good news first
the good news is that I haven’t already come over there and kill you myself if you running our ship
tell him the bad news
pick up bad news they say the bad news for last because I want your humiliation to be complete yeah I thought I’d get good news and bad news.
People like that I don’t know you’ll get these numbers you want the bad news or not I hope you do to the bad news my friend
here comes I would buckle your bad news belt because I’m tired city Jump shoes what does the Bad News Barrett bad news belt do to protect you from bad news is so bad that the belt is almost worthless
100 put good news belt sander that nothing’s going to save you from how bad news is that I’m about to
I know I said before I call
then why do you have to disclose when it’s good
back later on when you go to bed you can say which was a good decision which was so just do it
just respect him enough to listen to the other half of the news the two news items that we are traveling with you and wasted so much of your precious time with go ahead halfway through
Dish Network because it pays all of our bills Amanda Crush anyone of us saw your crazy shoe Vietnam ran to. Loved it so much she wants five more live right now
good evening mr. and mrs. America
analyze everybody dead and we’re sitting here all alone only reason we haven’t left the studio because our loved ones are out to kill us right now because stupid America lose faith in its Armed Forces yeah it is the very fabric of our society
where is it be storing water what if I told you that this whole thing has been the new episode of your new show where you do rant about politics and you get to speak your mind be ecstatic with a why don’t you say goodbye to the artist cuz he has cameras in your mind you gave him the truth we want more
we were bored stupid
proof
it’s a weird Network note they want all of your truth to be at 2 to put a shoe metaphor for just your truth just take why did you guys fool me into thinking that you hated me and that I was because he wanted to see the real you and wanted to see if you could stand up for yourself or shrink and you know what sweetheart
you nailed it
I’m ready you ready I’m not afraid anymore
damn Daniel dance little pretzels are Chinese
what do New Balance shoes have in common
with the City Commissioner’s Office of st. Louis
focus on arch support
we’ll be right back
I can’t believe he’s not really doing a show I can’t
was talking with you believe that yeah we wanted you to do is shoot based hate show yeah
we have to be a special kind of dumb you ruined me ruined that you ruined our Network yeah you you trash the world with your bile coming out of here I’m going to go outside and have a smoke yeah I’ll be right back I’m going to go out and watch him smoke
did you hear something
digestive system
Susan falcon
all right it’s past 9/11 we should get a move on to the next segment of her show
no one wants to go out of town so fucking dick head has to take his place anyway
are we are we not doing Dan because leaving we are so sorry I said I put you on the spot at fight
fascism know each other
when the fastest win but we can fight the audience before we do can I
cat Deer Park real quick
show a September 9th September 9th story
fucking Bush mouth flashback video it’s going to be an art show that’s like they take a gallery and turned it into a video store and I’m going to be putting up some of my VHS boxes slashback video and it’s going to be September 9th so check out in Twitter for for them. Haha
stop stop it stop it stop it nobody nobody likes that take me to get shrimp no no no no it’s not worth it it’s not worth it was going to be no I Never Promised You a Rose I didn’t ask for roses
I said
now doing a shooting on the streets of India
why
why
you were summoned character you like today
do you guys take astrology hers aren’t astrologers the ultimate pro-choicers because you can’t fuck up your math it’s when your born
you can’t you can’t be a pro-life astrologer cuz you would fuck up all the math
it’s like the minute you drop according to an astrologist Schlage like seeing a great you know it’s like when you dry your first breath or when you’re the cord is cut I don’t know anything for Life cannot begin during conception is Born the time of your accident was emergency what’s a January astrology sign
Capricorn Capricorn and Aquarius horoscope
so I should also look out for a new opportunity
anyways should we play
Road
all right
what’s just know that that last job lost Annie she left
are you guys back sticks big fucking Steamin shit that’s the thing that they what did I do now
what what relationship is dumb why I’m afraid of intimacy Google it
say I love you all the time at work dying wow that just returned so quickly we’re I’m your best friend thank you for being a friend okay wow what
to see it’s a dumb relationship that’s why I said it
where’s my arm
whatever that was never meant to be 20 or 30 backpack
send text with your bra strap it when you hug a woman is the same rules as when you were brought up
I wasn’t Carousel standing I had to find out to her I went I was at Blakely at the creative arts Emmys with Alison Brie and there’s a photo of me with my arm around her and I’m taking and then and that’s how I found out about her hand and like men who are afraid to touch women like this everyone was like dang really come on in and I think they closed it with my hand and I don’t want it if they’re making you pose for a photo I don’t I don’t want to like ask that guy is like way he just thought it was okay to like rub his hand all over Taylor Swift to ask because he’s taking a photo with her is like you want to be the opposite so you’re just and then you end up looking like a weird man then I saw the block and I was like yeah it’s like yeah I’m embarrassed about the professional massage or have like sex work done or go to a sex worker
can you change my oil filter society says I make that person I would never get a pedicure cuz mine are but then all women say like no they that’s exactly what you just go if I can like put giving shove your gross toe-nails in their faces like great you’re paying for it they’ve seen the work you go get a fancy word for popping your zits in your blackheads and things like that they all love it from the voter dude who like pumped pop on one of my visits at a bar the same as like a kitten getting picked up by its crap I was like thanks I wasn’t I didn’t think of it I was like wow what a man
optimize it to always telling me to vote for Trump like I just like we’re going to lose the Civil War for sure
is that that’s the opposition they will
church and I every night before bed that we grew each other like ships and eat the bugs out of each other’s hair
it really is so romantic but I guess it’s cuz we’re primates like I do think eating the bugs out of the blue like that
it’s the nicest thing you can do for somebody is he can get the bugs out you’re also getting something out of it you’re trying to get you now I’m trying to eat it repeated at chimp level and then we just like we couldn’t stand it we like we fucking nailed it we represent this line of DNA that we’re like oh we cheat the system and then we end up in the same mechanism that got us that far you know we get these alarm doohickeys I’ve talked about it don’t got ice cream man
human capital
but you know what they do have their frog mouths oh yeah will humans do to I guess we could also I wanted to
week we all feel real bad about it like what in the world what frog god did I offend only time I talked about this fucking feet are you talkin about what are you talkin about
what are you talkin about chimpanzee and frog in the YouTube and send your kids to bed
is because the tone with your God because of Any Time a chimp finds a frog it goes it’s been five seconds if it picks it up it runs its finger over the Frog lips
it gets a look on its face
prize the Frog’s mouth open and then the rest is Kismet email show
friend and nnn and ends and when the frogs fate depends on what that ship had for breakfast and the Frog
interaction are they blind hop
the camera usually stays on the chimp as it enters is refractory.
Play it is the Frog story remains Untold
like a Flintstones cartoon and it just like us
those are our ancestors like know where they where we are asexual a creepy species
you know we’re just headed for the bonobo and particular it’s a very sexual version of the chimp so their grievances through orgies and they they they they have constant incestuous like crazy sex and then we talked about this a million times that’s all it’s just like I know we talked about this we settle our differences here in harmontown we fantasy role-play with a little DND okay so strapped you’re playing I mean if you want to give him a quick rundown of what is Duke’s doing
did it go to be yourself just standing up
Hugh Jackman in a hacker movie where he’s a constanza swordfish
last time on harmontown you guys went into the secret room of The Priory and you found evil shit going down a hooded figure was mutating people in the people attacked you
they were really kicking your ass you got most of them killed in the vampire with through a barrel of piss and Steve Levy and it escaped in the form of a mist and you guys chased after it only to narrowly escape a giant explosion that sent the friary starting to crumble and you escaped from the sanctuary as it crashed to the ground
checked out those crazy horses hoping to find some Escape but the horses were slaughtered oh boy
that’s all
that’s about all that happened right yeah I smell like piss
we got bigger problems than that diarrhea junior did the Miss get away you don’t see it anywhere and it is a mess so could be anywhere you can see it’s like the buildings all around you you could see only the sanctuary that area that you were in only that Parts caved in and collapse the rest of the buildings don’t seem to be collapsed or destroyed
god dammit this whole fucking church is corrupt where’s that guy that was sleeping pageants was at patchin’s which guy the guy you there was the guy that was sleeping that outside but the first step said that diarrhea found that person was still in the bed last you left them in that direction alright you go up the stairs into the sleeping quarters that you were last in its they’re six doors like last time you remember which door was the one you went through last time I go in okay so I want to go check the other doors to then I want to know how many people are left in The Priory in
I don’t know what that
alright me to you check all the doors and you see that they’re all empty there’s no one inside not even in the one that you thought there would be a person in this whole church was just a fucking brood of Baddies
you are you are you here too late a screaming as a as a as a shrill cry Usher’s forth from ahead and you can see it like in the the ceiling beams and stuff there’s like two little girls and they jump on diarrhea Junior and they’re each holding a big head size Rock and each on the head with a giant rock and you go down
fucking love it you go unconscious with a rock pedophile
I reach over and grab one of the girls off of DJ you grab one wielding a knife and cut you as you go in to grab grab grab her you know other but she misses your unconscious at the moment I do nothing
just going to just lay here for a little bit until someone waiting for you in a bit
The Brick
I knew of them to Bricks so is it my turn I mean I wish it was the first time I’ve said it I attacked a little girl
what do you attack or with again in a cycle I seem to be caught in
I attacked a little girl with my morning star
grab my night I think I’m subdued or no will let you
I don’t know how to
how does the girl that I’m holding react with steam at the appropriately
okay I thought they were I look at it I thought they were like they’re not there were actual little girls this is a great time for me is the DM to point out that asking questions is a great way to improve your standing in the game of Dungeons and Dragons
but yeah they’re just regular little girls who are you asking my eyeballs yeah they look like regular they don’t look mutant Z or evil they look terrified one of them has a smashed face because I hit it with me mass but yeah
well one of the problems him come over real quick tabletalk what’s a Morning Star metal baseball bat bikes dirt bikes
back-to-school Powerpuff kind of
no sorry they’re going to have to wake you up 7 thousand years for this Society I just smashed a little girl in the face for a long way from
I grabbed a little girls that I was sorry about your friend but we’re here to help we’re from the from the we’re going to church of the silver flame guys are destroying the church what are you talking about 8 to hear me out a little girl to Morningstar guy over here I got this guy doesn’t think twice
all right that’s convincing yeah hey hey
what am I dreaming about your dreaming about a locked door it’s really scary and mysterious and it seems to remind you of stuff inside dream seems to remind you of something
oh my God
somebody else maybe I should open the store but I’m afraid to I just I reach out I’m going to just grab this door knob
send door knobs a hand
yeah that don’t know if they hand it said it’s a hand like Blue Man Group it grabs your hand and then you become Doris instead of it becoming like open
no she said it’s scary but you don’t wake up because that would be convenient word as as as members of the Church of the silver flame that we did not cause the explosion and all the violence here at the sanctuary cuz that violence yes and I can unconscious it and I go to the Girls the space I smashed and I I would like to change my virtue spell for a spontaneous healing spell do you have 3 level 1 spells a day I think you’re out of level 1 spell fucking on your shed you really are a good
Summit syllable words spelled with one of them and I traded the other one and you are just all over it
but I but I do have I do have a healing skills which I get a cup holder instead of a thermos put a tourniquet on her face yeah you do that I thought I had good
am I making that up you ate some I don’t know if you ate all your good berries
I have the craziest do what the hell’s going on
do you have good memories healing do I have good berries that look at your favorite turn the Backpage
would you put on the other side of the other side of the door
really Carlos just don’t kill the little girl okay it’s not a
do I have very good very good berries do I have good berries I have rope chain lock waterskin Federal slingshot South Dakota motor Rio I do not let me check again I ask
3 glass jars
oh you know what I started in the middle of the last time I chose to use my offense load out so I can’t use my level one General load at Goodberry’s in the NFL thing there like I do have a I do have a small cup stabilizer just cause a dying creature to stabilize look so if she’s dying she’s not dying but that might help
stabilize it helps a little
there’s more where that came from but once I get 6 hours of sleep.
And it sounded great
commencement something different
like if you were a bit if you were like a predator you wouldn’t. It when they drop from the ceiling you’d be like
you wouldn’t go out and hit him I kind of passed the ultimate are you a pedophile test by attacking the little girl that dropped on my friend is it might give her a good role what it is which is the one that’s got smashed is she in front of me. Neither of them are in front of you turn the wrong way yeah I say share this bed roll okay
so now you want to go to bed when we’re not now I gave him my bed and go to bed with you guys at the church who are you
that’s what Miss what was your question let me explain card know that what you want to explain
what’s a good no just come on just walk into a surgery room
all right all right
no you do it let’s everybody watch this is going to be awesome go ahead go ahead asshole
that seemed to work pretty good pretty good me doing it my way was weird
wrong go ahead let’s just let’s see how the face Smasher takes care of this situation go for no no no everybody just like watching the Masters going to
roll up his sleeves and take care of business they both have knives you guys we have to tread lightly I didn’t claim to have any problem with little girl
stay out of our church bad people yeah what should we do little general your church was filled with bad people they’re all dead or fled now you are the only ones along with us who are not then puric in nature this. Crying
and because of a book I read
John claffey at home listeners that the plot of sarcastic applies if you have a microphone in your head doing pretty good there that would be fucked up
they aren’t sociopath I start crying with the little girls
every
okay well you gave your bedroll as a gift to two little girls though
picture of Health
little girls were you related to people here we don’t know we just we don’t remember you taking here against your will and we don’t remember anything we don’t know anything you don’t remember having parents
if I run some names by you will you
maybe yeah and not you you
what Jeff Jeff you take note the what’s the first thing you remember like the last thing I mean I mean like you woke up here today after there was a loud explosion and we woke up in our beds and then we realize no one else was in the sleeping quarters so we thought someone had attacked the church where are your beds are in these rooms that were in and around why were you in the ceiling because we were hiding from Intruders then you dropped onto The Intruders yeah we did you guys are badass your great your great little girls okay yeah maybe maybe you’re right we should run
you’re like three adults you’re good you’re good like I admit the silver flame is strong within you
okay
do you know a woman is there someone in your pants a woman was kind of like who like long black hair know you’re talkin about Arden when she came to the church pretty recently I thought you said you didn’t remember whole lot I remember not having parents right
who is Arden she is did lady came to the church she was just a just a churchgoer he was with the church yeah oh yeah oh yeah what are your names by the way little girls stiff and Wang
did you get did you write that down video OK Google yes
are you a dance troupe know know which one is the one that got hit in the face
should we eat
diamond
ask him questions
I think I think there might be more traumatic than what’s your last name okay
how old are you do we do now we don’t know how are you are you twins probably maybe probably maybe do look-alike yeah yeah oh yeah probably help them out with that one yeah would you know how to get home from The Priory we don’t we live here
so no sleep but you hadn’t been there I hate to break it to you
it is all your real names is no longer the person you might remember she’s a vampire and she’s involved in some very bad stuff do you know what a vampire is yeah yeah yeah it’s bad they’re bad so it’s somebody says I’m a vampire to stay away from him we got to contact the church
the last thing I want to do but when he was screaming just singular screaming like a guy screaming okay you hear the screaming coming up the stairs and it’s patchin’s he’s back you know the prior off the deep end he’s done something completely unforgivable and insane you got to help me oh my God has taken with I’ll leave them here it’s probably dangerous where we’re going
which order should we go down the stairs I think I should be in the middle good call okay I grabbed the one whose face I smashed into my arm and go to football great I hold Wang yeah alright you do that lady running again and so you guys are having to follow him because he’s not being slow and rice what I should drop the girl then she can come bring me right
all right I need to work on that instincts you follow you follow patches and he takes you all the way to Tom Fells house and you see it’s it’s starting to catch on fire Tom Fells house yeah sure he’s outside waving a sword and he’s flashing at the door and the house is on fire is like you sons of bitches give me your crazy possessed kid you’re causing all the problems you see you see he can’t be reasoned with a prayer the prayer doesn’t hear you
hey fryer fryer
more like fire
we all yelled at did he hear us yeah
he turns around like what the fuc Yeah it’s called word play hey you guys help me out these guys they attacked the church they’re the cause of all the evil yeah what’s the prior that was a vampire lady looking back Spencer did Bonnie cell the mother did she have hair kind of like the vampire that she was a blond
oh darn I was ready at the dance so yeah
do we help lights in the house
this is my holy Mission what are you trying to accomplish here. I’m going to slay the child and bring our town to peace we already got the demon out of the child I’m going to beat him bad suit
that’s going to take forever
we already released the demon out of that and it took us to a place he’s been buried and killed
thank you for the prayers not listening to reason I’ll say he’s holding a sword into his weapon of choice is soup
Amarillo idiot we were going to feed bad soup at one point member that smashes through the door I do know when the house if you outside you just a foot you know what that means we’re going to go inside you’re going to stay right here okay don’t talk to anybody just sit right here I got it all figured out guys what do you like GoBots do you like do you like from Lethal Weapon real quick
you know what you’re going to love getting old
I don’t fucking care what it what’s your inside jokes what movies do you watch fucking Kristen Stewart Twilight people to be like who cares though at yourself all right we’re entering a house of people that hate us and he’s freaking out I just got it I’m so bad with names and faces I thought that he gave me when we talked to him the first time he was like all fucked up and evil seeming but I guess maybe was overwrought or maybe he’s seen paranoid paranoid because and I pull out my book that I grabbed what to do when your daughters is under attack
what’s going on did you know what’s going on why is the prior acting like this and he’s fucking crazy who would just burst into someone’s house or light it on fire just to get out there cuz that child he thinks the kid is Lily weed we in step prayer prayer a run chase after him you’re in that you’re in the Flaming house and they’re not there there’s nobody on the bottom floor it seems they must be upstairs stairs you go into the kids room and you see the families just huddled the huddled in a corner and he’s got the sword oh boy you guys are demons everyone’s demons okay that’s not true herds the unclean know if everyone was demons that wouldn’t be a conflict you’d be alone and everyone will be laughing at you build an atom
what is the critical hit
directions to elbow drop the cushion on the floor
you fling it out you fling at a time like Captain America and claim them and they had any goes down I go over to pick up a sword and take it away from him since out of here right this way right this way so little but it’s a little hot because this house is on fire but just go right there and then stand by those there’s two friends of ours outside you can just pay for the and Tom and lipstick
it wasn’t our fault it’s not our fault your house keeps bursting into play just everybody just please at this time and a reasonable file out of the house just see the front door just don’t let it gel door hit your ass on the way to Closing Time come out of the house all right let’s go let’s go to your other house thank you so much holyshit stop, but I can’t remember your name and I don’t want to keep calling you his wife honey call Honey Bunny
can you break grapevine from here to die. Thank you thank you only use your Shield get the shields back if you got DJ you’re all outside of a burning building Tom sorry your son was possessed by a demon yeah I know well it made your home the enemy of the church at least you’re alive yeah that’s not too bad
I’ll tell you one thing that shirts but you hate so much if you have it you were right to hate it because we went down to the sanctuary and there was a vampire doing crazy blood magic that’s why your cows have been killed that’s by that’s that’s where all this been going on I thought it was just cuz I have been stealing from the church for the past 3 months
here’s some relics I still I feel guilty about it I didn’t wow they turned there anything else you want to tell us what does if the prior look no I mean there’s many sides many sides
I liked it well because someone died that’s why it’s not funny I already was funny I just liked it
Elizabeth is a year from now they’re going to go away
why is my child has a cockroach if it isn’t prior conscious or unconscious he’s knocked out we leave a note on his chest that says we came for the problem the problem is gone again all right all right why
the one and only Robert tribe everybody
I am a mess
you’re wonderful
I am in your marriage at babysitter
wow
but one day what’s the current mayor Dan Harmon everybody
Kevin Coronavirus