Episode
Description
Guest Comptroller Brandon Johnson and Dan discover French Spencer, and learn that sometimes applause hurts. Featuring Dan Harmon, Brandon Johnson and Spencer Crittenden.
Transcript
where am I where am I oh my God I don’t harmontown ladies and gentlemen I hope you are too how lucky are all of us Make some noise so good to see
please welcome to the stage the most wonderful the incomparable Spencer Crittenden
yeah
the man of the moment Kenya rule shotgun makeup
thank you thank you
from the bottom of my heart I want to thank you
I want to thank you you been so good to me I was just a little boy I couldn’t to thank anyone before it toys
so my Rhymes were weak
but then my mom took a pee to John my diaper
and she saw damn
a Sherman tank
incest
damn
okay
thanks
it’s it’s it’s knowing when to take the art away is Donald Sutherland says in Six Degrees of Separation. I got one of those Zips right in the crease of my nose know what is skin thinking
what how hard would I already know the answer I know the answer we were there is no God is the answer it was it it it it what we have arrived at over billions of years of improv like a gingerbread man in like latex so we wouldn’t have to have fucking like this stones of sebum and topped off with you know there’s a there’s a the most important part of your skin covered completely covered every Square centimeter of it in microscopic flora and fauna and
because if it weren’t there then there’s all these things in the air that would land and they would go and set up shop here you are protected every minute of every day by the fact that you are infested by beasties that live in harmony with you at the life is a prison to prison cell there’s a lot of people in the cell with us cuz you’re a bitch
you traded your integrity
what’s the another day behind bars
damn
you could have gone out a man
I know I sound like I’m quoting a movie or something. It will the movie about a guy who goes to prison and has to choose between it was really professorial I got it I got it I got a new phone case throw big okay and it’s got a magnet what the what made you replace it I’m just I got a new phone and you know how else can I get the new case for the new phone you know it’s just too precise take those 3D pictures
yeah the animojis no no I’ve been seeing on Facebook there’s these 3D photos of dogs so yummy scrolling through Facebook and then it’ll be the 3D dog staring right at you in 3D
any photos aren’t in 3D this is crazy and it’s just this big old dog staring right at you
play coming out of the screen all coming right out
yeah it’s weird you don’t cuz it doesn’t look like it’ll work but like The Parallax of those screen in the photo movement as you scroll through it it has this weird you know 3d effect to it but I thought it was some iPhone thing and maybe it’s not I wouldn’t know yeah I’m not plugged in
me neither I used to know I used to work at Apple I used to know the Apple stuff now it’s like just sad
where am I show people my my my phone case they they go so it sucks like a wallet and get your credit cards in there and stuff like that yeah I do cash and all that stuff and then they always every single person they always want to link this is just like some weird human instinct today that they go so you know don’t don’t you think that’s a little dangerous cuz now if you lose one thing you you lose everything you just think about what your brain is doing right now like you’re you’re you’re you’re you’re you’re you’re you’re holding vigil over a society and ideal Society where we aerosol our property to the to the extent that all of its Expendable you talkin about everyone’s got four things in their pocket if you lose any of them your Fox. Nobody wants to lose any of them you don’t want to lose your cheese your phone or your wallets
why the fuk you. Yeah I know shit and if I lose one thing I’m fucked why would you think that we have more fun than you I have one thing to remember and one thing that fox me and do you have for things to remember in each one fuk you a quarter able cares what it what is this nonsense person you should be ashamed of yourself for something that you you lost a long time ago your shame get let me get you a big case for that so that when you lose it you know
you should have put a hub cap on that shit it’s been gone since the 70s
I would I would buy a shame case
I got so if that were true you be like you wouldn’t push it in your house cuz people would say the same shit you like no other.
How old is Juju eyeballs then so both necessary for depth perception
who are you are you an aunt is it are you an insect person here in a
your identity is into isn’t sprayed in a wide enough cone for me to give you a license to be safe what I don’t like about that critique is that a fundamentally relies on someone essentially explaining to you what it means for things to be grouped together
it’s like yeah I know those things are together that’s a good point the same way as if I’m wearing a watch in my arm gets cut off I have lost my watch because those things are together or if my head was cut off my glasses they’d also be off my body
because these things are together my head hair would also be off my body being with the thing that was removed from a because they’re together that’s what that means
so I mean on one hand is bullying you but on the other hand it’s like hey what do you think it means when stuff is associated with other stuff let me break this thing down to you really is that’s being like that’s being like empathic and what’s really happening in their brain they’re trying to connect right there like I know what things are when they’re next to each other next to each other right there just saying something it doesn’t make me less pissed but I think I’m growing because instead of just getting pissed I’m getting pissed and having the song switches anytime someone says something that pisses me off it’s just they had a thought and they’re like oh I want to share this. And they did it and they didn’t think about the ramifications of that action and how much it would piss me off but they were just so excited that they said whatever dumb fucking shit that they did before passing it through a filter and I’m still fucking pissed but recognizing that feels like crook
I don’t know that’s just free association that wasn’t me trying to apply my situation to yours I’m not trying to be mad at those people don’t get me wrong back but yeah I know sorry I was just in a trance I mean and then and then you know I think you and I could both say that all so well is he has other person who maybe they may be there just a little Honda generator that runs runs a little faster but it’s got a Cici’s I don’t I don’t know what it was like what the metaphor would be like because it doesn’t do us any good to be because the reason we’re mad OK Google let me start over
the reason we’re mad when it happens is because it’s not fair because we feel anguish and anxiety and Shane or your isn’t that why you get mad when someone cuts you off of the freeway really it’s not it’s not like I mean is they almost kill you add rental in and there’s holy shit if anything and usually when it’s a really close call you actually kind of feel the sense of relation and don’t remember the other person exists until a couple seconds later but it’s a good thing that pisses you off about the lack of consideration in a root of that hair it’s not fair because I put myself through so much in order to not be that person and that person isn’t even doing it to me I mean it sounds like the same feeling but to me it’s like how dare you even assume I haven’t put
at work in I’m putting all the fucking work and you put the work in and realize I put the work in and shut the fuck up because it’s like I’m trying over here what are you doing yelling at me for you think I’m not trying your fucking shut up not like blind blind you can’t see it yet it’s good I live with it
how are you guys doing
I guess there is a lot that is what you get is it’s mad because they’re they’re insulting you write to me it just feels like yeah I’m smart I know this stuff feels like they’re trying to like pretend I don’t know this stuff that’s like you have no fucking shit things are next to each other but it may be at maybe I’m just kind of are we supposed to been like it cuz I’m sure it was when we were talking I’m sure constantly you say something and then I say something back that you knew I was going to say and then I end the end that I knew that you knew already but that’s like we’re just like hitting the thing but there’s categories of doing that pisses off like I think I’d like to zebra scientists can probably make small talk and go like the new zebra in the paddock and then and then the other
one says like hope this one doesn’t get herpes like because the zebras keep getting herpes in the paddock
you’re not supposed to know I’m feeling the same as we go it’s a nonlinear it’s a it’s a Showtime original just shift the butt butt butt kind of the guy the zebra expert one of them to say that because he’s he didn’t want to have to say there’s a new zebra in the paddock and now I’d like to talk about the last one getting hurt like he doesn’t want that bird and he wants to be able to actually just like bump the shuttlecock couple of near the net right we have this agreement that we’re going to talk about things that two people would talk about mutually not not anything in the history that we can’t relate on not any future dreams that we we can’t really jump in on we as people have this contract we’re like we’re friends because you know when to change the subject and the person that you don’t like is a person who doesn’t know when to change the subject that’s like the most basic part of friendship is like
Friends of the kid that you’re friends with some from 6 years old on because every time you brought up pace that mother fucker was like at the crane track so we get really frustrated with people when it looks like they’re trying to slime us or cheat on the fucking contract and not putting a lot of thought and what you’re going to say it’s cheating on the contract and we try to do that shit right super wait a second I might being fucked my being fucked
I mean fuck
you can God damn where you were supposed to bring up the Green Bay Packers
sometimes that’s called an emotional bid which actually I have to say I hope Cody doesn’t listen to this cuz I have to cop to the fact that lately it was she understands I apologized to her today I’ve been buried in my laptop like I’m kind of hiding from some shit and like I’m hiding from shed next to her and I’m using my laptop and we we love each other and stuff but nevertheless I have been I’m looking at the blast week and I have not been matching emotional bids emotional bids or just anything it’s the pixel of relationship communication was the first thing cuz it was like if someone says look out the window at the St Louis Arch while you’re driving past the st. Louis Arch
show me look at something I there’s a transaction happening and I’m like I’m like that’s all kinds of horrible shit defense satellites in an era that his bygone this equipment is not needed anymore it is only hurtful and it but it’s at the numbers I’m crunching I took a look at this thing on my phone like I was like like one little part of my brain going like you just made me look at something out of school, I’m sorry but you’re not supposed to say is it’s a it’s an emotional bit if it’s even if it seems futile so what are you saying like it’s like small talk easy stuff for whatever it is I’ll look at that look at this look at that it’s somebody checking in and saying are you with me like what’s more than holding hands is already a hands like what if anything
if anything you’re taking to hand off the grid you’re actually actually downgrading
it’s certainly not practical it’s definitely not edifying and yeah we definitely do it and we do it at 85 year old people do it in our in our dream of how we’d like to go out I think most of us polyamorous Paul
you know what you don’t like about BP is like his Partners ain’t shitt I just got lugubrious she has to be a little more right than what you write down what how my polyamory should be and I’ll read the script for you wow
you know we believe we let you come to these shows and we make you
yes oh wow yeah so you can control that you should be grateful PP I have sex with multiple partners
what’s your hang-up why you hung up about told you we don’t give a fuck about that part it’s that you’re a dick
don’t brag about it bro we saw you come in with three different people I’m a I’m a dick bro how many people did you fucking your last relationship
number one dude
go back to Kansas Toto
now ask me
how many people bro
no need to count if the number don’t mean anything sky’s the limit I’m the limit pause the limit
I’m not taking that shift from a dude dressed and a three-piece corduroy suit and no shirt
fucking freak bro you’re freaking the people you roll with are not beautiful you know polyamory
did you just body shame my Entourage
it’s not just the bodies the face the fingernails all situation you’re supposed to be able to get like online rain excuse me
hi Paul’s girlfriend Alpha 3 exactly
but you can just call me Paul’s girlfriend because we don’t count
we do what we do okay and we do it Polly style he makes you say that now I think we need to talk about how you just threw shade and tea and lemonade on my body
I am the way I am I’m bold and beautiful I’m pom pom pom Paul’s girlfriend one of them
I’m just saying if Paul is going to let you know if he’s going to put together a bouquet
there should be maybe some more flowers and a lot less weeds
oh damn
excuse me I am madly Winnipeg
I am a PhD in toxicology
and I am currently copulating with Paul’s whenever we feel like it is no big deal and I cured it
and I feel beautiful on the inside and I’m here at work visa and your country is what’s ugly to me
because it’s very hard to get this work visa and I had to go to Ed’s
remind me that I have to think I throw away I throw away now I throw away don’t know the cure for AIDS I have cure for AIDS throw it away throw away my name is Millie
go to Winnipeg
that’s the kind of trash talking about somebody’s with you
double p is she’s got the cure for AIDS and she’s at the dynasty hanging out
oh you back on me now that you went through what you went through my coop now you’re back with the rooster
cuz I tell you what I may be polyamorous but I’m also missing
are you and your entourage down by some cut code that you made up
the snowflake what do you think girls you like he liked the idea of its existing was it a small self-contained hierarchy was a man at the top that thinks you’re all bitches
yeah we we are at the job AIDS
sounds sounds like they customer why am I friends now
do you are way under the customer’s right hey man look thanks for coming by are always good to see you while I do my statements over wow we ever is out multiple times I leave it multiple times
wow probably ever is fall
how I don’t like him
you should invite us up into the concept of sleeping with multiple people all the time and not not not not who yelled at me yesterday like I got a couple comes home and are you guys taking off his sneakers and he’s he’s he’s got a little Grimace on his face and it is his girlfriend’s a scooting up for his get some some reading to do and then she notices is body language and she says what’s wrong car Lenny and he says I had a guy today I ran into him read me the riot act about being monogamous
is this guy really angry so you really got got on me as they had like a petition outside at Target
I was just there to buy a sweater cuz I love you I’m sorry what you love makes you cold sweater happy birthday thank you yeah I ran into a guy I just started like really laying into me about how is polyamorous
yeah I’m glad you brought it up cuz I’d like to start seeing other people why because you’re probably don’t like you anymore cuz
eat you you seem like a less like a real boyfriend and more like a weird Cipher for Dan Harmon High babbling you with you anymore I think you just I think you’re just a mouthpiece for some strange Cthulhu creature who has a podcast and some different plane
babe I’m real you saw my birth certificate
add to birth certificate you have skin to we live in a house I have memories I’m telling you the whole thing is a fucking lie Carl
what do I have to do to prove I’m real to you
I’m so invested in this
honestly I don’t know call
you know there’s a lot there’s a contemporary thought that has it that the question itself proves is Drew’s its own answer what’s a fun
have you been hanging out with Xander again
holyshit
nosey Ender’s into crystals not the simulation Theory
WellCare what is into
I’m tired of saying his name
baby just come come here come come come here and come in the bed with me
okay
you still love me
yes of course I do
did you feed the dogs
thought you were going to do that
now do it
just time this weekend dinner
what what what what what I thought you said sum
what else is going to do there’s no guest tonight by the way and Rob drivers and hear nothing nothing nothing nothing good is about to happen
I didn’t edit One Man 5 characters
are confused like to hear random things I like one thing a week like I’m 80 years old like I know one news item a week or one or one like it just human interest piece and it it it it it it is it I can’t tell the difference between the ones that are so played out and everyone’s talking about it whatever before when you were you really in your finger on the pulse and we were calling you all right well I don’t I don’t know who you are and he’s not exactly like me so
let’s not have a conversation
why not we’ll see that’s my problem is that I said let’s not have even know which of us said that
it was me
who said that
this is exactly my point you and I are talking to each other right now and no one can tell
exactly
it just sounds like one guy talking because we have the same voice
yep Dan Harmon me Dan Harmon and Dan Harmon when little things just or the white bees they were going to or they like it was anything to drink when I was like talking about like the idea that if you’re over forty if to pay a little extra to be on the is it such a perfect is beyond Logan’s Run all the way into just like cuz it’s like obviously the natural inversion of that is like if you’re 25 obviously Halo it’s on the house and then if you’re 20
here’s fifty bucks
I didn’t you keep on going down all the way to the point where if you’re pregnant your baby is worth $50,000 of credit on a social media site because it’s so young you could like so you can sign a contract for it to the meeting to one over the other and then like I just like being as you get older then you pay if you’re 90 years old do you have to pay a million dollars a minute to be around people
it makes perfect sense he was hard to parody like I I was trying to think of like how do I come up with something that was like Beyond parody but seems reasonable but I feel like they could just be like an app that like pays people to eat bugs like you just take a picture of a cricket and I’ll just give you like $0.30 and they’ll be like yeah it’s sustainable blockchain it’s helping everybody and then it’ll be good but I don’t know
can’t you do that on Fiverr yeah yeah but that’s that’s way you know that’s a way more Equitable than what I’m proposing what’s what’s 5/5 hours like you can pay somebody five bucks in about to do a task and I know you don’t know so
I mean it says everything’s a slippery slope what am I wearing a slippery pit whenever we have like a really bad show I pay a 68 year old man to sit on my chest and he pays me $4
It’s a Wonderful World we’ve built it is the very definition of blockchain
you should you should have to pay more to be around people when you’re over 40 I meant I didn’t you do your you you should have to if you say I don’t know that you your heart had to work harder but also when you go to like New York City and you are you’re if you’re walking to the city you see a bunch of like 20 to 30 year olds in waitress and waiter uniforms aren’t bellhop uniforms and you realize that major cities are really people over 40 with money forcing 20-somethings to bust their ass and twenty-somethings there’s six of us but we live in the middle of Manhattan and we’re all like struggling to do but then there’s a bunch of like
40 people like you loved living in New York.
Diego the fucking pay cuz you just kids are struggling Out There Our industry Hollywood whatever you call it without sounding like a douche the biz razzle-dazzle it realize I’ve got a huge tradition of Labor abuse and also at the same time the foot the thing is ironic about it is not only labor abuse but then also on the flip side of it it it’s totally you can’t use the labor that gets abused has to have a support system that whole thing like you can’t be you can’t just be born in
with no support system get on a bus and I’m going to go be an assistant or whatever and you got to be a little bit which excludes giant this whole thing and then we talked about what where’s the diversity and all the stuff for the sake of the very bottom where we where we crack the nuts the hardest where we make people shoot in their cars and if I want to kill themselves like it’s all driven by this weird unspoken concept of yeah but this is where milk and honey Flo’s baby like to be made the cry once in awhile like lately what do you hate you hate you hate you hate Spielberg Goldbergs what do you mean this with which I have no beef and no no nobody lower it out so that it was a safer place
I need the tag that roof Goldbergs ma beef with Jeff Garlin and then they kick you out when you get all of this business because they exploit you through your twenties and your thirties really am in your forties your sort of in a position where you like I’m billing you are like hope you got your money and your forty Riders love writing stories about our obsession with beauty and fairy tales in horror stories and cautionary tales about like oh you should have learned Beauty’s Only Skin Deep and all the stuff in the only I could be 50 and look 25 but then there’s this other thing though if you could look 25 and factually be 50 and
I would fuck you over as a screenwriter people just like if you’ve been around too long or someone knows that you were you’re here a certain age you just you’re just not like there’s a snake in my memory of it even though I was not somebody that cared about it at the time was very young. Penney’s an end typewriter ink Trucking, everywhere
someone is also the title of our four-part series
after the war Winston Churchill had more coming and more typing to do
changing his identity with a brothel owner that has his same height and dress size and he began going through three typewriters and before Orchard workers a day
Hayes insatiable appetite for carnal knowledge and Pros sharing
was talking to Donna Lee by his V football, what did you get here by bus that’s my son everybody’s
I heard you call Father so I finished let me ask you a question why do you talk so fast
what don’t you understand in the emulation of me you was going to become estranged uncanny re-creation no one talks the way you talk
there’s much to do it so I can go and empty this dick
really of all the things I’ve done in my career 1940s Kid full of come with my favorite you motherfukers just indicated a 20-year career of witty witty witty things sometimes applies hurts doesn’t it
that’s what I’m saying like never ever solicited and most of the time when you get it feel bad
it ruins everything I’m not saying you did not but it is like anything less than that mean when are we ever on the same page about what deserves a round of applause never what is the likelihood of us agreeing I would have bought there but usually applies means I think it’s people going like like like I’m still with you I’m listening like change the subject
switch gears I get off your get get off the bike and then get back on again because basically you’re not a fucking triathlete so I’m not here to be wowed by your bicycling I’m only Merit you have is the weird Wiggles your butt does when you’re getting on and off the bike I think you applies means like like like like the good now. Don’t get fucking bogged down in this shit I don’t want to listen to your fucking weird pontifications about the LGBT lgbtq to community
I’ll bet you a party for skills
or you were on the end of that group and you were like God damn if he isn’t sitting teach you if he if he doesn’t hit the Quan
polyamory if it is booked Look whose sister it is
I got to say she came with a much better crowd then fucking PP did y’all looking real good
all right well maybe we should maybe we should keep that energy going let’s meet a person from the audience
who owns does there’s a guy from France and the guy from Australia
my cat has a small dog ball basketball Canada
now I just want to make it clear I did not we did not even go down to Geographic Road
but I do understand I don’t mind you getting excited and saying like I mean that the saying he’s from France could have made all the difference you never eat good tomorrow you could be like I fucking did it I did it for you John Paul I’m the reason why you are on harmontown but I’m not being a tease I don’t want I just want to make a sensible decision to nobody will a sensible Decision One involve him yelling things out
especially not vasectomies anyone has anyone traveled farther than his second
someone just talked about this at the top of the show
bring your A-game will let me let me consult with Brandon first and we’ll be right back that could be good Brandon think you should be the one who should we what should we ask for her am I doing it wrong already Jeff usually has a hair trigger and he just goes that guy he keeps things always turn out well but I always think in my head I’m like Jeff that was irresponsible
to bring that for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs do I will tell you I do have a pretty good judge of character like I do think is that would be great I think we need that I feel there’s a there’s a there’s a dual of French because we’re all Americans so he would be the most different they possibly learn something in this motherfucker I know where it where are you feeling so bad we’re feeling so bad we just want to meet like a gardener now we want to like to learn in interesting interest in Gardner’s gardeners gardeners
appealing for some reason I’m feeling this outfit right here oh shit which outfit that she didn’t volunteer
I do love this outfit so so as a shallow person that is where I go first well. So don’t make her uncomfortable if you’re going to bring her up to get a Forester
hello
nice to meet you
you’ve been chosen based on the Spangled oenis of your jacket
everybody is like if you if you wear a suit to harmontown then please say hi and then he said by for 6 weeks eating Ryan Stiles our date Foley’s dick on the fact that they’re reading books and then hanging out doing Mike checks that’s all he just disappears
do you have a printer at your jump Davis fan I mean everyone fan I live in rural Japan and yeah so we went for no Geographic we will just jacket Sparkle
and then we got some plans but it’s all good
Jesus somebody challenge me instead of just made up a new pronoun we like to do that just to fuck with you like my my dad was also like that when when I came out to all the way to meet you though it’s open. Brian Erie and but but but you can still eating for 4 to print out and it can just be whatever I mean it’s it’s it’s a preferred pronoun what goes what goes into like like for you personally if if you play click okay Nan binary but then I’m picking a pronoun is it based on utility or other
yeah like as it is it for is it for other people or is it for yourself when you pick a pronoun you individually not the Royal you you’re not representing anymore but it’s like when you go out on the street it’s like it’s like it is a utility thing like how much energy am I going to take to educate every person that I come across and also are they going to beat me up if I might you hear my voice started dropping recently and I was pretty exciting thing for me but yeah thank you
hello
I’ll do that and it’s like a safety thing so if I feel somebody kind of like they give you the the up and down and they clock you and them are like alright sir come over here I’m like yes yes I will come over there
but other times if I if I look at somebody based off of what they’re wearing or like if they’re Millennial ish looking I’ll go pay them and usually they’re like oh cool cool cool yeah man I got all the time cuz we talked about it after the show but but I feel like this is something you’d want people to know that the first time I met nobody like immediately like oh I also and then I was like whatever come on focuses and then I was talking to Nova after the show with one time a couple weeks ago and another interesting conversation was actually because no rest for the wicked is like
actually now likely Nova wasn’t like like I don’t I don’t want to care that much if people fuck up I don’t that that is not my choice to make a big deal out of it a preference is just a preference and it and and which one it occurred to me that it’s actually it’s it’s another thing now that I have to keep in mind is like I kind of like take it all into myself when I when I go today
do about me as opposed to continuing to grow and didn’t take it in stride internalized anxiety is something I feel that every trans person has it’s something like also white girl as I might so I thought you know you just grab a queue
yes I use your mayonnaise
do you think of me being me do you want to be a monologue or a poem and then put it on Twitter and then I do we have to move out to stop by for just a quick section so we can talk about some of the clothing choices did you have a chance to finish I don’t think it is
or just a quick if you’re not so if you’re at home these shoes are they are studded and they are studied very closely together so that it creates its own sort of a show and it is yellow gold studs show of gold studs where how what country
actually it was my cousin’s wedding this past weekend in San Diego
oh yeah but genuinely concerned for that person
like I am going to start started to say yeah but then something happened the way it was
is rightfully so flawed and they’re vulnerable in their young anyway San Diego wedding are they cool people were they cool people
they they used to be not so cool okay but this is like the liberal side of my family not not the side of the family that voted for Trump in the primaries are so mad at the people that voted for the general election it’s like
are jeans with Trump written in Sharpie on the
was it a cool wedding
yeah it was yeah this is you know it’s a wedding if so there’s lots of straight people there but I’m just there to experience their culture
it’s very the music the music not that good and it’s very Bland it’s an interesting time for them I’m sure they have lots of feelings about it was very scary time for straight young white middle-aged men just talking about like where I’m at grandchildren where are my grandchildren like four times before we even get to the Breeders but let’s talk about but you can wave us off anytime you want if we could too if it turns out you’re a secret agent or something but I want to talk about this living in Tokyo thing
and the jackets are you just visiting just for the wedding if so what are you doing in Tokyo actually live way out in the butt hole of nowhere Okinawa
very close I just took Osaka know I don’t know hours into the trees and that’s where I live back in Tokyo that have jars of of old men socks in them because of something that we don’t understand and we’ll talk about Alex Jones a good description of my program that I’m on but are you teaching English yeah that’s that’s that’s what I always expect to hear changing one pair of old man socks for the other leg that’s kind of how they treat temporary workers but that’s all also how old the English education system is in Japan and it’s not working
do you have to speak to teach English in Japan
nihongo o hanashimasu fighting words yeah then things are fighting words will just tell you oh my God your Japanese is so good and you’re just like I said hi like every time in Japanese versus what he is like wow that’s so much Japanese it means I it means I mean goldfish
what what what what what what means I what’s the what is the one that you could use you could use for formal situations in all situations Watashi but because you’re a guy they have gendered pronouns to so you could use both my favorite which is like
if your mind is ready to explode the French guy yelled out the Japanese answer
I can host a french guy you want to come up here you can stay you stay
we’re going to get like a
International
oh that’s yet
that’s a French assassin isn’t it
I think we’re going to get confused
does this work yes it does so am I sitting over there
if I mean I’m used to listening to podcast but usually is like I know I’m hearing myself but this is a whole new thing to say something
I cut my my hair and beard before my trip to Los Angeles so I looked more like you
yeah this is harmontown huh it is it’s weird when you’re watching it and not just like doing it you know
crazy did you did you cut your beard short because of travel it gets caught in the in the pillow to be swallowed by the owner of the engine Jets
will and it messes with the gas mask feel right going to be a nightmare so just call me JC okay now that we know we’re going to call you Jo siwa
are you ready for this
I stripped enzymes and I apologize
she says her name she’s a mermaid and then all the TV’s break okay anyways go ahead
do it say it alright j e a n – Charles Yelp
call Katie Charles. Charles so great to meet you thank you so much for coming up thank you for having me yeah but
what are very worldly I’ll probably order dinner from a place called jean-charles tonight
I’m Into You video games stuff I do art for video games Xbox 360 do a a trip along the west coast so this was my first stop I’m going to fly to Seattle then go back down to Portland for the Retro Gaming convention and then go home from Cisco and then back to listen to the album Townes
wow so we will be seeing you again which is crazy in two weeks wow I’m so excited with the Retro Gaming convention because I went in Portland, XOXO I think that’s what it was it was just an idea of you kids like getting it all into this like Retro Gaming is I I love it so much because it’s like its function over form and encourages all this like coolshit I’m genuinely into it and I’m so excited to hear what you would encounter there
yeah I think Forma like the pixel C Forum Drive a lot of the what’s the other one contents so it’s like when green appeared in in in in like green appear in painting it drip drop draw Grove throat between the English and French Spencer can that’s what he’s going to say before he says it
we are married for me to listen to Amazon and then pay for the subscription to watch you guys name
I sure a lot of the the multiple shame that you will exhibit the
my parfait of shames exquisite
star Perfection it is Sublime you make me feel less alone
that that make you feel more alone
but because it was a bunch of lonely people that doing that but yeah I know I hear that a lot and in a good way I love hearing that that’s my favorite that’s my favorite thing that we always come back around 2 when I’m getting cranky and going why are we doing this all this stuff so I’m glad to hear that and I loved a friend that likes the same thing I’m saying like I miss you wants when I’m staying in this first one man show show show is this and see what they’re like yeah I’m an exhibitionist and you all voyeurs thing to see an exhibit
there was a lot of this public Psychotherapy and this display of narcissism trying to deal with it and such and such actually making a conscious decision because when do when would you ever fill out a change of address form we all moved over to the internet started to consider it real life and and now that it is we’ve clearly entered an age where actually this you know what you’re describing which is the only thing that I ever thought I would be good for this world transparency like open like it kind of I’m never going to do anything that remarkable so why don’t I just tell you everything I do that’s actually it’s it’s become like sort of like
walking out of your house or the Noose around your neck and I’m not feeling sorry for myself at this like I’m what I’m lamenting is the end of that culture actually being encouraged to 25 year olds I can’t imagine being 25 right now and and having the urges that I had when I was 25 to actually I was like it was an ironic punk rock for me at 25 to go I want everyone to know everything about that was an ironic urge back then that’s like hitting yourself in the face with a hammer it’s a cry for help it’s and it’s it’s a beautiful and you asked for it if you engage in that behavior because it’s what are your feelings about this Spangled jacket forgot your name Jimmy right
stats of the day ends of the Jimmy if you’re going to forget a name forget the name Jimmy yes to the fuck you think he’s our Jimmy Freedom she needs freedom and literally you would turn around and be like I am God damn Jimmy. What’s your what you take Jimmy on the on what I said
this is an interview
oh you don’t have to have one sorry
I don’t know let’s see where he’s going with you I’ll give this 5 minutes
I need to know you probably have a very active Instagram honestly I voted in the 2016 election in California legalize weed in California and and and we all thank you for that right and so I’ve been back for three days so I’m high as fuck right now do you think there’s going to be is there going to be like a new internet though like what band was saying is that like it used to be the internet was a secret place where you go to hide from like the world and complain about the world but now the internet is the world so is there any place where it’s like the internet was where we Retreat from there to where it’s like now safe to complain about like I guess that’s the real world right we were true to the real world to complain about what’s happening online
well that’s sad or good it’s definitely some rain it’s it’s like when people talk to you about
I’m onstage it’s cool if I don’t I don’t know how to watch Wreck-It like when people that you know on Twitter talk to you in real life about things that they read about on Twitter and the like take you through the Tweet if you haven’t seen it it’s like feather strange sort of doubling that’s better than to watch YouTube videos just cuz it takes less time but yeah I think people are also going back to traditional methods of communication like that like letters or like you mean like letters and words
yeah I’m like like snail
yeah it’s hard to say like one of ejected thing you can say is we’re going to go but we’re looking at the internet and that we all live in this Cloud where nothing is real and then but then the idea that it’s not real is alternatively weaponized and then but then idealize and it I get really alarmed about the idea of sliding into convicted cynicism because the bad guys like that they love the idea that if you get in a fight with a psycho 5 minutes into a fight with a psycho all you really know is that you don’t even know what the fuck is going on and it’s like their specialty that’s like the it says it’s win-win it’s like it it favors a person that just wants to
damage it any any any any it dented it it it it it it it disadvantages actual Earnest communication because like that’s that’s the thing that I really really Panic about is that point where we all go well nothing’s real nothing’s real at all like you is what did you see that on a screen will that means is that means it either is or isn’t real I would love to live in a world where I was like did you see that on the screen that means it isn’t real. But I don’t think we could ever commit to that like we we we will still leave I mean we know that my favorite martian isn’t real but we’ve he’s our favorite martian assuming
I just I just mean that like the entire TV industry is based on the fact that we see something on the screen we tend to love it we we we we we know that there isn’t performing for us use in a concert in Scotland but we’re like wow what a great good job she did in my living room like we wait we we we we we we are transfixed by the screen even though we know it’s not real so the internet is now saying like oh and we’re going to put thoughts in your head that say mankind is evil mankind as good as universal truths are now up for sale and I I got too drunk late in the podcasts
is this point where I become my own guests
I’m surprised Gangsta it’s like as usual the trip with this podcast is the question it turns into a story in with the narrative you figure out what the actual question was which is just a story in and of itself as soon as I don’t get I don’t know what you said for sure
Frenchie hilarious
AC DC
yes daddy would you let my question to you is what can we bring up one more person let’s bring up bring up Nova if they’re willing to come up just because we haven’t checked in
sorry to the sky
the question on everyone’s lips is what are you doing with the backpack man I took it with me the other day what to do in for you I don’t know what to put in it but I finally actually had a use for just like a small bag put a little charger in it in my wallet and stuff have you tried Small Things yeah I know yeah I got a bag from the show weeks ago yeah it was like a month and I’m okay now I asked remember that
have you ever met a Frenchman
yes but it’s great to meet another of me doing all day
we all are brackets and I don’t know what I’m doing
Jimmy I’m a pro I got everybody in the air video gaming system
all I had to add to that is one of my friends started playing Super Mario like on his computer and then doing the twitch stream of it but like it was cooked hooked up to his computer and in my experience it was always hooked up to that clunky console to my grandma’s TV in the Attic when the adults are getting drunk downstairs you know and
yeah.
Are you a modern game early the game are you playing Modern video games do you like Fallout 4
all roads go back to look I will hide I want to live guy went by my character fucker a male ghoul
he did it all looks so cool everybody across the Wasteland to keep checking in with him how you feeling did you still want romance that one guy though Preston Garvey I won’t I’m not I can’t do it you have to come in then you are either coming or from or from Human Nature perspective that I have to let Preston into my heart
go from u.s. to ever love them all let them go back into the pixel pool while they’re going to love other a eyes Wasteland with Preston Garvey is that there is a button that I clearly have not pushed cuz it’s letting up and it says let’s keep this professional and I keep not pressing that as much as I keep not pressing romance I keep pressing the focking string them along button because I know it seems like I feel like I don’t really actually think that the end of the game would be freshwater restored to the Commonwealth and then I’m like walking with my dog and and then there’s a pause and then you hear a distant gunshot
allowed to go that be really good choice matters you Captain abling him he told you he wanted to kill himself and instead of talking to other people you told him good job
you know we keep saying that but it also keeps
remind me I need everybody who ever has that thought injuring their head to tell anybody that they possibly feel comfortable telling it to him being absolutely unashamed of it I do not want my relationship start that way I think that’s dangerous dangerous dangerous it’s unhealthy time if you’re if you’re like yeah I just finished battling the cosmos like I’m not even sure if I should be breathing or not. But anyways what’s your birthstone if you’re not ready to go if so maybe if you say flirt then maybe he’ll be like while I’ve just been having these dark thoughts so let’s take it slow and then you’ll be like okay cool you know who knows what the relationship would forever no matter what is behavior would be the relationship would be forever changed by this idea that the coupling point was was that which meat which would apply to me logically that if we ever broke it off that he would be returning to the state that I met
which was suicidal I met you I was thinking I was like well get over that yeah in love every love yourself and then all the stuff and then let’s both fuck around and make huge mistakes because neither of us are perfect in the goal of relationship isn’t for Perfection out over definitely if someone’s like playing point is like the reason we should fuk right now is because I was about to kill myself. I think those tines need to have a little Scotch tape Best Buy but you put on them works for me I can’t tell you how you talking about listen I think it you’re saying no you took away my chief move
imma let you finish finish I was not letting you finish with my every relationship is not about perfection but then you’re also talking about like the perfect like just the relationships path is predetermined so you’re like you’re saying well I’m not going to go into it if if it’s not perfect you know oh no I didn’t mean to imply that it’s hard to it’s hard to talk about there’s no shared vocabulary with it what I was saying in the kind of like he’s sort of like all I can picture is this is like surf space modular like space station blocks and they have like coupling points on and write like so this thing’s got a tab in this thing’s going to slaughter this thing’s going to like the way that we meet each other and then the things that we say over coffee
in the things that we say over the moments leading up to us actually may be physically consummating relationship and then we’ll all of these things like that the flex that is welding us to gather all I’m saying is if if as in the end of speed did you ever see speed with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock they stay they make sure everyone knows throughout that movie this relationship is not going to work why because it’s based on speed they say if there’s a speed to one of us isn’t coming back and they both know it during speed cuz they’re like did you know that I think what they say it is like really good relationships are built during trauma are not going to last what is this
I’m on stage with a smartwatch
motherfukers to Big Shot I got your big shot okay
play let’s say you and I go into a liquor store together
and we go let’s get let’s get a lottery ticket and I only have $0.50 what do you have I only have $0.50 lottery tickets $1 so we stay let’s split a lottery ticket we’re going to we make the obvious choice whatever we win we’ll split it right so we we barely know each other I don’t know well I should know cuz I’m narrating this Parable Panda I’m working on a new kind of dandelion yeah I love I love playing both needed cigarettes we both smoke and a lottery ticket and we both put two quarters on the countertop
holy shit $5000000 jackpot we scratch it up I know you and I say oh my God holy shit we just won the lottery together here’s the things they’re reasonable to say
we’re both going to get half of a lottery jackpot this is a great day we’re doing awesome. Some things that are awful to say in that moment let’s get married
you’re my best friend lately as harmless as that may seem if it’s based on that moment it’s your building it on this thing that’s not real that that’s what I was saying about the suicidality kind of thing or it’s like Jesus Christ I just over the podcast
yeah yeah you hi oh yeah oh yeah oh no
we should probably wish if I stop doing the show so many questions look at this but United Nations we have before us okay okay. John Charles are we going to do this before you nothing else tonight I’m going to do a freestyle rap and then you’re going to you’re going to do the translation but no no I mean like if you just actually just spoke French for the bridge you know where what is like I just throw it to you just say French stuff we can say Serge gainsbourg for the hook and he’ll know how to do that shit Serge gainsbourg Serge gainsbourg
Jimmy Thackery / 5 1/2 of Hall and Oates
it’s okay. The man there’s the make an app for the coffee Martinson and the jingle for this ad in the series is actually is a melody of Serge gainsbourg Cowboy Cafe
Duffy you could also just speak anything you could just say
it’s all the same. If you could just recite the ingredients to a meringue cuz I need to hear some French talk in in the in the gaps between me fucking dropping Mad Science
double up on that ass trouble double double ass Monday’s double double double double
you’ve got to double double double double as Monday
yeah
yeah yeah yeah my name is truck Travis
truck trap
sorry what how you doing Travis good good
my name is truck Travis what you doing out here go over to the French by Jimmy what the fuck me YouTube Jimmy YouTube hard just sociopath like
you said you were just say my name is LL Cool J and then you’re like take it I’ve been listening to too many strawberries leg-puller still could have I liked it too
oh yeah that’s ripping more Griffin all right give it to him yo yo yo my name is MC David Johansen
Janssen
Underpants in
Stan’s end
I think the song Telugu
Define you
snakes snakes snakes are you pythons up in the branches
take your chances Creedence Clearwater Revival on the river in Louisiana if I survival there’s a flood in my Mitch I fuck your mama so hard I changed your armpits needs to be under now they’re over
your armpits are shoulder pads everything is inside out where I go yo I fucked your mama like a Lego
don’t.
robot gymnast bitch
just I’m so sorry you had to hear that we didn’t know he had no idea he would say any of that stuff I think it’s the stance of harmontown
yeah
River’s Rising yeah Optimus Prime surprising Decepticon Titan Joe Joe Biden Joe Pitt Brad Pitt Clooney George Jung
Gorge
just women of wrestling
Grand Canyon about your mama’s so hard she still Landing she’s up in the sky I fuck her up then I said why she said because
book
is it on the computer chassis test I do not know I D meaning
puppy chow
yeah okay that’s it that’s a complete wrap that’s good thank you
yes
you know JC looks like my high school theater teacher it’s uncanny I wouldn’t be surprised. I just hate that you guys keep talking do you know Les Miserables but so are you staying with friends how are you getting around an RV what’s going on I’m using public transportation or my own two feet like today at a tour of optical building in Downtown LA and Stripes through Echo Park and that was 10 miles from where we are right now to the beach are you going to head out to Santa Monica at all I did it again
I went from Santa Monica to Venice and then it was more to observe the lights location of Californication inflict yeah I just at the Savannah kennels and yeah they are I have a love of like a Crosman buildings across from Silver Lake in exactly this interest stems from the sitcom Full House
course of course house
now that’s what I call a friend who works at home for the folks at home what come through house
I mean we all know
welcome to my house is about you know Washington State Sensei perfected his own brand off of you see Kung Fu and find himself is Tucson in his daughter without someone to care for it for his dojo cell
Amber dust
he finds a new wife but she also has two daughters and a son and this
how to you know Mary both very different but I didn’t tell you of course I forgot to double-check it it’s it’s Full House on I would just riffing of the
it will have to be careful what I didn’t realize her to make up make up cutting through the house he was stripping down the chassis of Full House
and adding Kung Fu fenders I am not of the Gamemaster didn’t very much improve my faculties to improve improvise on this. I feel the same way
is true
all right well what if we learned tonight
boy what a night we got so much more let’s bring the Australian to the stage OSHA their private ladder over here
oh shit let’s give them a hand
how’s it going
John do you like that hat
I feel so bloated and tell me your feelings on that hat I have no quarrel with it going on you guys is there a soccer game
am I ever going to find out like your countries are at War and say you like that hat
I made a reference to our Australian tour okay sorry look take to
oil leak or oil light
I’m swapping out the phonemes that they’re their eye is annoy and their ass is an A in the following phrase that I used to warm up for a show in Australia
oh yes
trailer Adventures
it’s genuinely a true Australian accent the only problem is no fucked really and talks like that because a lot of people at my house
I’m perfect it’s the same with the same sound the truth is I’m nailing the a specialist would tell you he’s nailing the accent the problem is no one talks like that
because sweetheart. Just trying to make you talk like that however I am nailing the accent
I wish it up or I’d like
I’d like a baguette
I’m so sorry
I we have people over all the time he’s normally super polite to them he I don’t think he’s been doing this for an hour and a half and I’m so sorry let’s first find out what god dammit
find out who he is
so that when he punches you in
Boyd like a bag and Freud I know who you are and what towns I’m here because I’ve been listening to us for cheese at crazy like this see like me. Thank you so much Australian I’ve ever met and I say this in the most complimentary sense are you
and I’m not going to use the phrase about what are you doing are you backpacking across the country I’m actually using airplanes
oh damn I figured it out can I say one thing I’ve noticed a difference between Australia and America is the volume of water in your balls how much water do you need at the splash back man I need all of that
I’m busy later I got a lot of stuff going on
you mean 500 yeah do more of that we like that when we went to Australia
what are you doing
don’t they like the toilets they’re more vertical so I think they get more speed drop in Tampa
he used to blast them back through the pie I don’t know how they got is physics it’s crazy I think you’re right have gravity working on their sides of your toilets are working against gravity
cuz they’re on the bottom of the earth if the run away from whatever we deliver so the turd is like we’re having to be pulled up like a turd up through a straw like up like at like one of those Japanese drink so but what’s it called a bow bow bow bow bow bow
good job, but what what do you do in Australia
just working on computer stuff yeah yeah
I can get you Tylenol in a Band-Aid that’s my clearance that’s what I could get into haha their maps are so different because Australia’s this big on their Maps
practice your friend is moving to New York is your friend Australia
route to Harris Harrison will give me one fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck in society respect of zackly
look at all our hats might we like those hats is the hardest in the world to give me a give me a burro
call what Solis a perfect I heard Southampton
quickest easiest, is that the connection between English English and American English it’s like oh you just you just all you do is you just you just you just purse your mouth a little bit. You just you just keep things down in front
Australian hard but I’ve mastered it
at the at the expense of having to think very hard about every syllable that I said which is not how anyone talks I don’t know if I made that clear to prove my point here is flawlessly executed scene called a day at the hat store
where I will play well actually Jordan you will play the British hat store owner
and I will play in Australian what neighborhood are you from in Australia I’m from Brisbane that’s where I noticed I didn’t say Brisbane you know why cuz all I’m from Brisbane
oh shit yes Charles will come in yes welcome to my store where you from are you are you British
oh boy oh boy
we look like a
might
it was hot so I had specifically I took
toys of hate
and more
toys Wong
Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike
and the Frenchman can tell us what type of hot talk one is of course it’s a what what what what
haha we we oh
night night
oh
is that past tense
absolutely
how far did I go
boy
have a particular set of skills
my do
so leave the Hat leave the head or Price rice
of May with my particular skills
well how about you
sorry what what
be careful lift Roy
hi teacher
Oru I am defeated
change the style that was that was that segment alright well what a show you know
who said the show has two in its Monday night no one ever has to go and told I did say that no you’re right let’s leave
all right give me a beat you know
oh shit
oh
yeah yeah yeah yeah okay yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
wrapping walls store
ceiling Foundation soil
snake coil
rattlesnake strike fangs yikes Venom in the veins the poison running through me. Now it’s going to rain siouxpreme and down on all of those I loved you thought that I was a lion but now I am a job if I take flight on the wings of Pisa fuck your mama so hard she gave me a Reese’s piece
woman trouble
in a bottle Australians all let us rejoice for we are young and free the rest of that game I’m on South National Anthem
like they hate your boy boy like me bite me and Mark might wear a hat
and I said to my May yo what’s that he said yo
boy love you always said on Bull Shoals love you
the two of us didn’t get too far it was hard for us to talk but you want a boy band ice bilirubin where is Building 7
sorry
too soon too soon
Back To The Future Has
okay alright that’s obviously that’s got to be whatever your job title is 101
don’t make that sound
and I know you’re getting your feeling what I’m feeling you’re looking for an out you’re looking for an ending you want drama you want to Intrigue it it’s an improvised show it it doesn’t it’s it’s not going to have a sloppy ending yes it is
quickfire questions
I don’t have any questions all right questions for Nova
00 Nova do you have any quick-fire questions like it
next water plant water or land what are land land for the win
tough but fair I mean a prediction of what will overcome
it has a little bit of what she thinks I don’t know what new fucking thing you learn to the last time you were here you would been all up in the hominids book and I’m sure you have moved on to something else we could hear about that thing what are you doing before you before you leave this week what what’s the thing you’re going to do this week that’s the thing that’s been stopping you or what I’m hiding from his the fact that I’ve entered a phase of my career in my life where I am not actually allowed to talk about the very most important things the most entertaining things are going to or talk about the things that would be the most interesting for everybody here I actually can’t talk about them I made a liar by a dishonest Society that’s that’s what happens if you become worth money that people come to you and I say become a liar
it’s the fucking worst I’m somehow going to survive I’m sure that there’s something outside of work that is on the back of your head yeah that’s a price on the back of your head when I can’t talk I can’t remember and if you go to harmonquest. Com
did you go to Harmon Quest, you can find where you can get tickets or taping like mid-november some shit it’s going to be in Burbank so yeah I would love it to get some people in the audience that enjoy it. Sorry to cut you off Dan but I it’s the only thing I remembered how do you have a live audience if it is animated
it’s very
call Mel
oh no. Do you have a live audience
I can see one of the deacons has been speaking
I told you that if you care to this church you will need to bring it on
man a drunk priest unlike a cable like a basic cable or free public access Christianity show that could be something and I’m pitching it
back to you and me Brandon we’re going to Netflix so much money talk about that I got it thank you so much to know before stopping by yes
material to fill out to have you know that there is on point
Jimmy you will be the next contestant up to leave the stage thank you so much for everything you look fabulous you look like a million dollars
play please say a huge thank you to Jean Charles tonight ladies and gentlemen
hair wrap
going around you come to harmontown
I hope I get up he’s picking it up he’s he’s he’s like I lifted book I’m going to go around and pick it up now he pulled out the gun.
so excellent that’s I’m sorry that the entire European Union is also a sliding fascist
inhale I mean right
that phrase has taken on a New Hope for you too
Hitler down there and Hanson Pauline Hanson right before what
I love you so much
Alfa Romeo stallion got the fever Chris for Sarah Hill cuz I’ve been trying to see Peter church we love you goodnight