Episode: 7 – Cranky Mayors, Pink Hairs and Shoelace Cares (8.20.12)

Episode

Episode: 7 – Cranky Mayors, Pink Hairs and Shoelace Cares (8.20.12)

Description

An especially antsy crowd turns Harmontown’s meeting into a flippin’ town meeting, pushing our fearless leader from musings on infidelity to contemplations of suicide. Plus: Dungeonmaster Spencer unveils the boys’ characters!

Transcript

hear ye hear ye Hermantown is now in session
oh yeah
welcome to the nerd Malco Theater in Hollywood California and used as being out in the podcast man thank you for joining us please won’t you all either physically or spiritually put your hands together for the mayor of Hermantown pitcher Dan Harmon
thank you
thank you
do you get any trouble tonight take care pink hair in line
earlier to go meet some friends and I and Angie
well yeah because you screamed at me and I was terrified
I blew you a kiss pick it up and afraid for my own safety
what what’s your name for Fox sake Christina Christina everybody
security keep an eye on casinos
pink hair pink pink pink hair only primary crime is when she’s very excited to be here tonight very excited very excited to be near you either of us very excited to be here with all of you unfortunately her secondary crime is her excitement is going to be a real hooligan
is it okay to be able to make you sad that’s the threat of a hooligan
how can I cut that’s the only difference between have you been here at the harmontown before comic book store
it’s like being in Paris or Rome you come from a city where the Adams family has their own slot machine
why why why do you care that you’re here
did you have any expectations or hopes or dreams tonight that why am I such a good mood though because that happened what would be the end of the show tonight
all right all right
coming back to you Christina
the Mars
curiosity’s Landing by the rocks from a distance and vandalize rocks from a from a fight with a laser do you know who just telling me about that six-year-old Gill the owner of the place of a six-year-old son has a podcast how many podcast do you have Man by the way I’m very nice Jeff and I will come through all the shit out of his mother and I thought it was a misunderstanding but actually what would happen there is Jeff with segueing into our theme for tonight which I allowed the audience in line to choose give him a choice between travel financed and infidelity
and so predictably enough I should have thrown boobs in there which was on the master list because then we’d be talking about boobs all night but I figured regardless we could do that if the theme was travelling we’re going to end up talking about my hemorrhoids and I got to say if we could read the minutes from the last show
based solely around the butthole I believe there was a complete it was it was at a certain point we just start talking about things in in but send it to my bio facts about how he had a real doll at one point Jeff put on fishnets once and he can’t fail a mannequin and I’m a pariah
I’m a Sweet Transvestite that’s my seat so I so I was thinking that infidelity would be like a probably I would rather do traveler Finance but then pink hair started like freaking
anyways there’s a whole the whole thing in line and the crowd The Hooligans chose infidelity as a theme we got questions from you Jeff will come for all those I haven’t read them will pop over to the one we give him a taste can we get much as you want to try ever cheated on Abed who would it be with Community question
Saturday I mean in love with Brett Ohio
who do you think you’re in love with you guys watch the show how clear that I have that there wasn’t a secret service backwards and freeze frame on the shot of his driver’s license and run it through the Matrix
he just he just seemed to have a big crush on Pitta it seemed anyways let’s not talk about that let’s get over that relationship that that’s all right that was an example of a question about infidelity
how deep do you want to do it in the first one that you want to do you want to go for the heavy stuff and then and then going I’m sorry I’m glad I don’t pick on me we’re going to start picking on you you got it you got to keep it down to hey team is traveling with your trip is going to be huge family gathering if I can smell food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, no one misses that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes relate to my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film Earth-like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
feel the people around you you’re sitting right next to Auntie he’s like a star hair
he doesn’t have the right to to get off
Oprah podcast
remember one of numerous podcast
ever episode 3 through 8 which ended up being the last Native American you don’t want to see if he goes away it’s maybe we be littered too much we’re hanging on to that bow you continue like a very nice kind of mild-mannered you still sit right in the front row every time he’s an aspiring writer you are a writer I think you want to be a writer I don’t know maybe he wrote the fucking thing for the school paper I was going to go home and cut himself
didn’t he didn’t acknowledge my poetry series empty heart.
I have a question for pink hair lady real quick do you live in the 714 area code
call Kat biggest biggest something someone here just wrote down call me in as a phone number and is it pink lipstick all over it
when someone shot their hand up alright well tonight is weird
should we just go get Jeffrey Ross bring him up here
is why I asked that question the original I need to start a colony somewhere where we can all be cool to one another and you know I have some issues that I would bring to bear immediately like you can have your shoes and tide and no one can say your shoes are untied unless they really mean it well instead of just saying your shoes are untied just to assert themselves over here which is what I’m convinced people do when they say your shoes aren’t at the motel and I do still take great umbrage they still mean it can I tell you a story about me taking umbrage that happened outside corner
my wonderful girlfriend and the Gaffney and I went to a party rooftop party that every every year I think Sarah Silverman has this rooftop party and the stars come out
I met Chris Bosh and then I Googled them and figured out who
I I met. Racist I met Jack Black and he was like he’s here Garry Shandling and talk to him for like 8 minutes about television which was fine I told him that I had any TV for you youngsters I know you I know you know Larry Sanders the same way you know mr. show because you’re you know your ears the way I had to know python but what do you know it’s Garry Shandling show on Showtime that’s important to go by the box set up maybe you don’t have to sit through all of it it’s 1980 comedy but the concept was amazing has always been a pioneer of of of what for black of a better word and I truly wish there was no lack of a better word entertainment he’s he’s always been a defender of the Kree
give right to use the frame is part of the painting and a little bit of party we pull up to the building and and we were walking in and I kind of guys that are you hear from you tell the Roomba to go to the elevators on the left straight out what accent that is but I know I know he had one can we just hear this voice this guy goes the party’s over and looked over at the guy he was sitting with a woman that was
and then we went into the elevator and I kinda like like like an errand, whatever he’s he’s as nervous as you are to be outside a party is trying to be funny whatever good old Nick Jonas Marc Maron tied to the stake of being cool everybody I hated him I thought he was a dick dumb jokes to make your joke is that your dick at that’s a dick joke and maybe you may be pretending to be a dick but that’s what it does if that’s always your joke my joke but do we go to the party to have a breakthrough I’m up here to here to to be right up here to win an argument with my girlfriend
the lights in a microphone out of me
however so we
if I go a little something we left the party and then we go to the valet where our car is parked and the valley takes my ticket and he says which car is yours and I said it’s a silver Prius and then if he’s walking away as lame as that guy outside the party and I was like no because my joke is that I’m lame his joke is that where lame he is like taking high-status and I was taking low status I was doing like a dumb joke I’m just being funny and drunk and that guy is like you saying that it was presumptuous of taking low status
yeah but I was being ironic I was being Gary shambling about how what I was saying is Garry Shandling
and then we got in a big fight that go all night and me going now my silver Prius joke was awesome
it was it was funny but I don’t want to overstep
silver is a color but it also do not devalue
all the wrongs of the guy in the bench had to change your name
to her it’s not my joke
guy doesn’t have to land I’m not holding anyone hostage with my joke
Machiavelli’s head I don’t care if you deaf still a funny joke to me and it doesn’t matter doesn’t have to turn around and go let me go
is the party’s over coronavirus after your shoe’s untied you can’t even say it like we’re going to a restaurant that has no way to say that to you without you taking offense never says you’re going to do a dirty restaurant my shoes aren’t concerned to you maybe you don’t notice that I’ve learned not to never give to schitt’s about your shoelaces
Adidas
Adidas
give your foot a handshake when you can give it a hug you or after
sex with your foot by slipping a warm Adidas shoe on it and Nike
or do you think he’s going to really feel the pressure
I just seen a spike in sales over and Adidas and I can only be attributed to one thing we have to hope for its aggressive Guerrilla campaign over the seat of the Chief Financial Officer I say no I don’t know if you give them whatever they want
I remember when you were a gorilla Richard
what’s different mr. Jenkins
I would like I would like a sick maybe four months time instead of Desire harmontown poster back here to the shoes Nike Swoosh back here
living well is the best revenge so I can buy me out about how much I love sucking dick so I’ll have no choice but you let you’ll have me on the hook but we actually have $2 don’t worry about that Jeff don’t become one of them just be a creative and advertise for Adidas and and let’s see if we can reverse that
holes are plugged I don’t know what’s the agreed that we were both drunk and having an argument with a stupid then that’s that’s that’s how it ended
you guys ever argue about important ship like
give me the remote
no we never argue both narcissistic assholes way we don’t care about the polar ice caps we care about ourselves and each other so that’s what we fight about we fight because we worry that we don’t love each other as much as the other person loves us
and then a spiral tube for overcome
how do you like it you like you like it the guy with the microphone who sang
from the audience
yes I don’t know Adam I got the guy in the back through the Mars call back here in this is chaos I accept it yes Adam have sex with limited access Asperger’s Adam connected the dots
we have what we have a whole Cavalcade of him good well I don’t know your stories shoe is untied and they want to know who sang the same thing I was but when I hear somebody talking when I was doing exactly as you help yeah they’re worried about your shoes I think that’s their retroactive defense I think them so don’t tell me what to do get out of my life tend your own garden motherfuker
then they go around wondering when I’m going to trip will do man
we’re getting ready for a wedding and a nice suit and have a suit on and look good in it that’s why some ways off. It looks like one of them thank you but I can’t tie a tie very well
and if you think your shoe’s untied I have more opinions about ties the shoes is right up there by your face and for some reason it was a giant giant full-length mirror from my fashion show for Aaron to Sade
call back as soon as I go to fix that tell you what’s wrong with my tie and Grandpa before the wedding in the and I’m trying to tie in Aaron’s taking a picture of it you know that’s going to be Instagram to the moment and you had the status look on your face the whole Cyrus so bummed I know I’ve got.
science I do it very quickly but it looks like it looks it looks bad difference between it looking bad and looking good is how much money in power I achieve
now we’re getting somewhere and I’m president
he’s we’re not fucking giraffes I’m just saying you look better with you
what’s your biggest giraffe
obviously there’s willing to change for how high the lease

when did I become the crazy, crazy guy in my own show
track please. I try to keep an orderly show going here I sometimes we get off on tangents it’s a rare thing but a well-oiled machine we stick to it today do you think anyone with a list of celebrities there a cheat on with has ever been able to cross one off the concept of that before Hall Pass whatever you call it celebrity passed thing went to she
I’m fucking you but we both agree is Paris Hilton turned about the voice that you give every other person in your life
is there a scenario where your significant other cheats that you totally forgive them for
does Senoia exist for you
well go big I mean we have to leave the room where anyone would would she wear okay if there was a alien virus
I don’t know. I said go big there’s an alien virus release an ER nurse and then I get it dropped in like these boards that created big explosions and there was a virus can aerosol missed it is the primary effect of the destruction of our infrastructure and then the wall that one’s just into chaos which would separate me from my girlfriend then the virus is released in the air which threatens the survival of the human race. It’s a scientist let’s say played by Bill Pullman die
while separated from me she’s the only non-sterilized human being in some bunker he’s the only non-sterilized man I mean for some reason they can’t just put his sperm in a cup and you know like they really have to do it on the floor of the Library of Congress without I
is over we beat all the aliens and I walk across the Salt Lake Flats toward her and she’s going to Cigar in her mouth and yeah we did it we saved the earth when she goes like like we did it I’m like oh my God I’m alive you’re alive anyway really smaller scale than that I’d be like hor
you belong to me I think that you might just have enough pettiness when your body to still like 3 days later at Little Dom’s grapes really good dick
is it better or worse I just got home I’m making a scrapbook
have Crepes anymore
he was he was he was pretty good with pretty good thanks baby
and then Harris Hill walks in and that’s my celebrity passed I was just the kids eat at my new movie yeah whatever man I don’t know I I I didn’t want to seem to be infidelity tonight because the topic make I don’t like watching movies where the central conceit is like this scandalous Habbo like like coming up with ways to make it okay we’re tube for people to cheat like a very very insecure very possessive very very like I don’t want to be better about it I don’t cuz I don’t I don’t want to have like a big stick calluses over the part of my body that feels pain when my girlfriend wants to fuck someone else I want my girlfriend not that fuck other people you know I want I want true love I want
doesn’t it I guess it’s immature but I yeah I just bugs me is Richard Gere movies and Mary who’s married to her in eighteen hundreds England but then she wouldn’t do it, and then he met the lady couldn’t we just had to do to a man of his wife pictures
you said in previous podcast or the one you are masturbating you fantasize about your person your girlfriend fucking somebody else girlfriend necessarily between relationships very lonely when I’m masturbating I the the fantasy the creeps into my had the most often is my ex-girlfriend fucking other people
but never your current girlfriend sometimes more like a yes sometimes you know like like I’ll think of like like weird raunchy situations where my my good girlfriend that I’m currently with you know an insatiable kind of animal that that that that’s it’s that you know when I’m not around it starts with self-loathing cuz you’re like I said I can’t put myself in a sexual situation very easily and I get easier the path of least resistance is for me to not be there if it’s really sexy cuz I look like Randy Quaid
and you don’t you don’t have to midnight and a half weeks you put him in in vacation 3 and not even in the lead role so yeah if my girlfriend is fucking and I’m not there then who’s she fucking and then you go to the guy’s fixing the roof I don’t know so sometimes it’s like 15 20%
but when I’m when I’m single and I’ve been dumped a spike like like it’s like 100% like I can’t get my brain out of that out of that gutter like where it’s like my ex-girlfriend that dumped me she dumped me because she’s she’s doing this and she’s doing that and I’m thinking about that so it’s like my sexual wires are crossed with my self-hatred wires and it’s just terrible awful it’s a picture of mental illness
but saying it into a microphone makes it all better
makes everything perfect then nothing will ever go wrong now
thanks everybody tonight by the way for calling me out and everything what the fuck
extra on edge since I came up here I know that’s not true what’s your name guy that looks exactly like Akiva Schaffer
what’s what’s your name Levi
well don’t you to a Target because when you’re off my cat having heard the podcast recording thing I give him like him like a very funny guy defensive to will you just tell me tell me about the first show me about you like tell me about your favorite Christmas
what’s your favorite TV show
we’re going to Biosphere 2 looking flower pattern
cycling at all Levi Adams quiet Levi tell me about a favorite show of yours candy okay so tell me tell me to start start talking about why it’s good
Eagles fuck as they’re going to think and I just I just like this
then I was sitting by the best seat in the house can I get I can see you and Levi perfectly and he was like that you had a conference found out he was on my side but I’m telling you the customer is always right I’m a customer base of one if the guy behind the microphone thinks that someone is is is is is like the distraction
I’m definitely right now so yeah that’s
Ron even ground your name’s going my suicide note tonight buddy is like
I don’t like the chaos they don’t like the biggest pink hair at about to grab the mic I’m checking out of town hill
this has nothing to do with power dynamics it has everything to do with intent and emotion and Dynamics what I’m saying is not that I’m louder than you are that you’re being too loud what I’m saying is that you are way of expressing agreement to me with these lights in my face looks an awful lot like a drowning man
you were you wet
I thought it meant that your mother had been raped by an eagle and I wanted to talk about it by the way I didn’t just pointing your shirt and go where’d you get it at a garage sale go fuck yourself Agate I didn’t do anything but I didn’t bully you I I said what’s going on down here at the same way I did to that fucking asshole outside to do you mean party’s over
do you want
I’ll give you all of it you’re not going to like it and I’m thinking about a new TV show going to make everyone happy parties over Eagles are dying in your shoe’s untied by aliens that drop pods
fucking box office Dynamite like going on up here I just drove by Disturbed space I’ll reward you for having it right but I have Asperger’s do you think so I diagnosed myself with it after taking an online quiz
readings and conversations and Forum I don’t know I don’t have an excuse I’m a bad person I’m a I’m a bad unlikable person that’s named after me
I think I’d rather not have to have Asperger guy on my shit narcissists make themselves burners
it’s as if the word Burger is part of the nut in the middle
fireflies
never heard of her know nothing about Dungeons & Dragons sorry go ahead anybody who knows nothing about Dungeons & Dragons out of my audience yes we are indeed in the back room of a of a, having a dungeon master we can play Dungeons & Dragons and there was a gentleman in our audience could not have possibly known to talk about when we brought him up again and we have what we came up with characters Jeff decided that he wanted to be a gnome Barbarian correct
yeah I kind of fell down around my ears and your audience pick the name Sharpie butts a lot for me when I be happier with the name is there a Time first edition Dungeons & Dragons. Spencer had to email me subsequently and go oh by the way it’s not just magic user. I have to pick between a wizard and a sorcerer I picking wizard wizard is somebody who studies Adam what are you doing
I think it’s a show if he ever does give us any money
everyone is August 10th
and the world’s biggest town board game was good should have any I think I heard you you’re not watching Breaking Bad from you
are you sticking up for the adjust the fundamentals of vagrant alright well obviously arguing about Dungeons & Dragons which is readings Dynamite
let’s bring the star of his Walker Texas Ranger show up Spencer come on up here
how’s it going
thank you for coming back Spencer and thank you in advance for the work you’ve done since Friday
should you do we have to start with this did you hear what was going on down here have you met Adam by the way
I’m genuinely is a huge force field
no there’s just a lot of people coming after the people on stage
Windsor and I are good people and on the same side right forever be better
the wind always amplification Jem just a bit where you trying to raise the microphone dispensers level Spencer six-foot-four you tell me bro I stopped measuring myself
there is a huge insecurity thing going on with that microphone caring yeah okay I got you just don’t give me that look when you say it
so what happened for real I just because really Adam what were you saying what was your thing about what were you saying no
what’s a microphone with your now holding dispensing but I thought if I said that Sam
Atlanta someone in my contacts
I didn’t understand that did you see what he was saying he was talking about yeah we’re playing 3.5 Edition so it’s not an issue
I don’t know what the fuck anybody’s talking about
when it for a long time ago
3.6 which means that if there’s an an infraction you don’t have to yell out that’s the difference between 3.5 and 3.6
all right
so if I say My Wizard wearing a pointed hat and you read an elf magazine that he can’t
did you know don’t run up on stage it’s getting scary in this place I’m doing great it’s the Bronx
Assault on Precinct 17 it will as we’ve mentioned you picked a gnome Barbarian
I’m a gnome Barbarian sorry I was about 3 ft 3 in tall and he angrily that’s why she says sorry sorry sorry
and he flies angrily at people with a sword a full foot longer than he is
alright we’re back in business
343 I got a 4.3 Ford it’s planted
that was cheesy.
All right. Can’t explode a longer than my body text or do you want to hear back walking yes all right, just start it off
telephone number for 3 ft 3 in
that is until one day he snapped in a gnomon known scuffle biting the ear of the ring leader of the local gang the cactus bunch
after they had taken his prize bandana they would not be his last
all right let’s start I love that I love that a lot as much as I hate no more violence so I still
when will it rain
and so but yeah he hit stuff with a sword that’s about it you know
we’ll get there just better strength and wisdom how to beat speeds and skills but yeah there’s some stuff it’s just the main ones just 16 how many in is considered average like 18 is like the Pinnacle of human achievement is well above-average you’d be like a bodybuilder thank you in the real world
dexterities 14 which is above average but not like super amazing Constitution is
17 which is really strong that’s a he know you can take a beating and keep on eating he’s got a 12:00 at intelligence which is still kind of smart for someone who’s a barbarian but he’s got 11 wisdom which means he has no common sense I gave him a 17 Charisma because he’s got a dashing smile in a winning sense of humor
you’re the boss better thank you very much all right moving on to Sharpie butts a lot
all right
Sharpie but Salat is a tall dark-haired wizard in what is unmistakably a Periwinkle terry cloth bathrobe

to a maiden Doom to life imprisonment in the high tower of penitents life was hard growing up in a prison but he started to read and learn magic at a young age he eventually cast feather fall on himself and fell safely out of the Tower and began in venturing here throughout the realm
what am I what am I my attributes when we got here you got a nine strength which is decent for your average lay person I couldn’t pull up a grade school be able to a 14 dexterity which is of the same as Jeff Westwick what’s his shooting ability he’s got three ranks and shoot you guys don’t team up with him Spencer don’t break my heart I can’t help it never asked you to team up with me but don’t team up with him
Ultra 16 Constitution which is a little is still really strong you can take some hits and drink a lot also
I need to try to have a good time over there
I’m a barbarian
is that the human race
are you going to 15 wisdom which means you’re reasonably wise and you have a cool head on your shoulders oh I messed a 18 intelligence sorry about that that’s remains that you’re really smart
typecasting
randomly and then assign them to the stats that fit the classes so like she didn’t have an 18th strength and not be able to cast spells and 11 Charisma which is above average but you’re not going to be winning any beauty contests like
stop the reliability of Storytelling to keep my woman at home you got a crossbow and some spells like you can shrink people down and make things light up yeah you got a crossbow because sometimes you run out of spells and don’t want to die
all right well is there anything else you need to add Spencer I mean basically trying to play a 15-minute Adventure.
well they’re not going to boo I will find out if there is a good idea or bad one but but maybe we could maybe we should we kick this off next time I can meet in the field of battle and so what do you what do you need to do that should read next next next time should we put a little table over there so you have a place to roll a dice
awesome
that’s a lot of work Spencer’s putting in for us it’s nice of him I think we got the right man for the job though
a c e approaches his job with the sincerity I did an interview today a small one with a guy from Time Magazine which I think most of the time when they say you’re doing an interview for time thank you so I think they actually just mean and are fighting the
arrival of the vodka
I did an interview with a guy in the phone just about the amount of Lisa Kickstarter and Kickstarter look for anomaly so it’s a Charlie conference scripts that we’re producing to our studio star Burns is going to be stop motion feature written by Charlie Kaufman we could go kick in some money and we’ll make it as good as we can as well as we can see will correct will do grammar check if you give us enough money the the guy that interviewed me from from time his name was Harry McCracken
and that’s it that’s the end of that story I wrote that in my area but this is actual name is Harry McCracken Harry McCracken
no no no God damn it I didn’t I didn’t mean to become Ming the merciless
that guy just said that’s his real name. I can’t wait to listen to the recording of tonight and see who went wrong we’re but I did not feel like I came up here with any negative energy I guess I said the first thing I said is going to be in trouble
I think it was you I blame pink hair that’s what it is
did you meet her in my first and then I thought trouble because in the line she was kind of like she was excited you were excited
I know you don’t have to get I know why
no it’s not true because it can be I guess the story were learning the ironic Greek myth is that I thought I would be trouble I tried to prevent the trouble I caused all the trouble is that what we’re learning as it is I I’m I’m I’m the trouble she’s you know take it to the bank
the last time I’m ever going to be wrong about anything promise you that
sometimes at harmontown I have to lay down the law
all right what else is on the docket let’s do some more infidelity questions apparently somebody Nadia’s rights I am a gay male I recently stopped seeing a guy because he insisted on a quotes open relationship he insisted that it would only be physical and emotional is a quote physically open relationship possible or any kind for that matter he’s saying that his partner said let’s be in an open relationship but he insisted it would only be a physical I’m only going to fuck another guy 7-Eleven on another guy
his final question is is that possible is an open relationship so we forgot our gay friends are fine feathered gay friends
that guy was gay the actor that played the leader of the Hawkman and Flash Gordon it was awesome as a feather gay pride in a spaceship and seeing a hawk people that were there to save the day I’m sure it’s the same for everybody to them I don’t know that I’m in the Hawks the Hawks have sex in the air
yeah they died at Levi fucking hysterical to a point where I think he’s heckling me pink hair pink hair and Levi
it’s like having a dynamite in the front row sweating nature glycerin gay people hear my voice
sex comes easier for you because men are pigs and gay men couples are easier to hook up a bed together no matter what they’re doing is cosmically intermingling a little bit there’s a there’s an emotional component to all sex otherwise all we all do is jerk off have you got the same energy from a orgasm no matter what you were doing it doesn’t matter what promises you make time as much as this poor gentleman probably doesn’t need or want to hear it his mate that sang can I be in a note I’m agreeing with his obvious anxiety which is no there’s no such thing as a physical he can’t you can’t love one guy and then what you physical with another guy and it like never the twain shall meet people I went to the other questions that people wrote down the audience look like surprisingly like almost word-for-word people ask so I can several of you ask is there
what’s worse physical cheating or emotional cheating but there are people who are better equipped for this because I I don’t think my advice would be or my insights would be as valid I think I’ve often observe that people who are growing up in an age of text messaging and Facebooking and all the stuff they are a little more shielded in the right places I am a thirty-nine-year-old maniac when I have a girlfriend I really like I get I get nervous and jealous very easily I think that that’s sort of intertwine of the definition of loving somebody it’s like it doesn’t make any logical sense though it’s not practical so I’m not dr. Phil about when it comes to when you should be jealous and possessive a million people out there and some of them are actually capable of doing weird stuff and totally keeping everything together
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore whoever the fuck we all need to see a tablet there on a boat together like taking a hotel one time I got who I was supposed to fly out in the morning but for some reason for a night and we stayed at one of the casinos La casinos there ever been a little mini kind of country cook Cowboy Vegas you know the biggest little city in the world man
but we we stayed at the casino and I was walking to my hotel room and 80% of the doorways like the hotel doors there was a Polaroid like a couple a married couple or the doors I don’t think anything’s really visible bright like hot pink or orange wristbands on that were in these photos on the doors in the hotel and so I say to the to the the croupier me to call the guy at the roulette table I said what’s it what’s going on
polarizing the door and he goes into a swingers convention
you wouldn’t fuck any one of these days it was pretty rough the pretty rough and who is in this room you can knock on the door and they want me to come and you can either join in or whatever I’m in the mood and because nobody got what they fucking wanted are paid for our side of the scale and they were just being worked on by everybody and they were really bummed out it was it was bad world where we haven’t answered those questions yet I just keep it simple and just go with my Primal instinct tells me what I want I want a woman and I wanted to be my woman and it what if that’s unhealthy it’s the unhealthy choice that will get me through a sea of very confusing shit because
Rihanna code of ever heard about three ways and four ways of nine ways in Melbourne relationships
none of those in with anyone cutting a cake
I’m sorry I’m my parents done I just want to I just want to do the chicken dance and go home and have some kids and like I don’t want Kevin you know hanging out or Natalie stories and with probably no more we owe it to them to say like I I think that people who are pursuing their blists like they are just as right as as monogamist trash everywhere it’s fucking stressful you don’t there’s no such thing as waking up every morning with a big hard-on for for the person that’s three feet from you and went and being happy and then going to bed happy and doing it every day because then if that happens then that that that’s not human beings aren’t happy all the time happiness is defined by the unhappiness that follows it so there is no like
like I always smell a rat when I talk to people who are like this is Darla she’s with me but I do what I want with Stacy and I always feel like someone’s going to kill themselves you know pretty soon as he’s going to murder somebody or uncomfortable in bed if I’m wrong or if I’m right I die I guess there’s no time for me to change that fact I’m all for sticking to the the addiction the gum that’s under the desk if you want a girlfriend you want your girlfriend to turn in your wife you want your wife to turn in the mother of your children you want to and it in infidelity is is a is the static that happens on that TV reception because people fuck up they fail and they say that we are likely to fantasize and like think that we did something wrong or something and we we fail as human beings infidelity happen
I don’t know I don’t know if it’s a solution to say my television station is I think you’re just you’re saying you’re still saying the same thing you’re saying it’s hard to be in a relationship and so your solution is to is to make relationship hard while somebody asked will you rather be the person that was cheated on or the person that cheated
definitely rather be cheated on night is much at that that is why that is a really awesome question of perspective because it’s certainly in the long run you would definitely rather be cheated on because the fucking like you get to stop being in a relationship and you’re the hero pity puss
should you want it see what should I would never do that prove it
Make Love To My Penis tonight forever
not like my wife to sleep like a baby because you are in an unhealthy relationship if someone’s capable of cheating on you the problem is if you’re as like the idea of you you were in love with her and you can’t live without her and she cheated on you that that so in the short-term I did people jump off Bridges people jump that was an unfortunate choice of words whatever whatever it doesn’t it doesn’t that disrespecting him to use the phrase jump it was just unfortunate because a relationship because of people leaving them because when you are
I’m not a fan of a fan of Ariana dead
hello. Yeah, come back and Dragons we have a complete and balance between the power and the power Dynamic of audience and performers don’t get here
he’s he’s suffocating himself in a giant pair of acid wash pants
Levi has his name his name is his name is a kind of pants
I’m not going to repeat it
the calm and comfort you have a
what I thought you were from Las Vegas
all right
she just called and asked on that
what does unpopped do the back and forth his own podcast about cuz no one can hear you and we don’t dare give you a microphone
Demeter
I want charger with a microphone
what time is it in the wrong with you is going to be a seal and her Comfort shoe hurting herself in the shower I figured fantastic as we established I stepped up on stage I drew first blood I immediately all those I shouldn’t have done that. Can I was doing a call back I thought there was energy out there in the line I think I’ll do it but, I don’t know what I was thinking I’m an idiot anymore but I is at what we just talked about it was important
infidelity yeah people to eat whatever I would rather be cheated on because the long-term
I do have thoughts cuz Aaron just pulled up that documentary on Woody Allen it was it how many people would buy a positive see that Woody Allen documentary
that is very interesting watching that the most of the revelatory like a surrounded by his movies because he makes them with literally one per year and has been doing it for a how many decades and some of them hit and some of them is but he’s he’s made more good movies then then then any of his peers because he’s made kind of bite more bad movies that perspective on him all of the people around him he seems to have like I was relieved to find out that he really he just there’s like his circuit board in his brain is kind of like there’s a couple of like Scorch marks they’re that nice because it means that we owe it to ourselves to go home and try to be Woody Allen because he is
I really like I think it’s genetic I think it’s like neurological he doesn’t he was like what was the movie that he was writing in the documentary he was writing one of his good movies while all of the ship was going down to the tabloids about him and Sydney does anyone can even shouted out to the weather Broadway Danny Rose her husband
it went as well as husbands wives probably a blood sample and then coming back of the end result is a fine movie that everyone enjoys a compartmental his is like he has another word for compartmentalizing is like you know autism different parts of his brain that are incapable of Crossing into other parts of his brain and he’s one of those rare people that like like those compartments are shaped in a Tetris block that makes like movies and it just to keep making them and making like good ones and good ones are good ones this to me it was a relief cuz I’m a narcissist of everyone who does anything creative I don’t care if you make a rocking chair stained glass window my big
not in my head is like do I need to prove that I can do that better or worse or you know like like I am I under threat here or do I need to meet your wife right that’s why you make such good stained glass windows I don’t know like I’m always I’m always looking for some way to make myself feel at ease that I am still a contributor to my society that what I do is important and that I am doing it right and then I don’t need to work harder at it or less hard at it and watching the documentary really relaxed to me because Woody Allen has haunted me a long time cuz I always think like Jesus Christ how do you do what he does what you said to me recently that the number there might be some money coming in on syndication and if you ever got that money coming in that you would stop writing before that you might retire or you would never work again you would just do that but I don’t imagine you would be able to do that
and people that I hate like I don’t care but I always care I was like yeah I’ll die like riding a worst shit that I’ve ever written I’m always I’m all fucked up like that is it
like yeah I will like I will be 70 years old if I’m lucky I’ll like I’ll just be working on some fucking piece of garbage trying to untie some not in my head of like how you supposed to make yourself happy I just talked to Mitch hurwitz about this name drop I was on the set of Arrested Development and met Mitch hurwitz and and he said so many things that I had been thinking which it would I was so such a great thing to hear him say it and one of the things that we talked about was the fact that when we make things you were trying to entertain everyone in the world we’re not ever ever ever trying to exclude anybody and the what’s up with the only way you could possibly ever stand a chance of entertaining everybody is if you’re entertaining yourself there’s no otherwise you’re a hack you don’t you don’t say
people like got milk that’s a funny joke so if you say got milk then everyone will laugh that’s what I’ve learned in you’re not laughing the whole time it’s like it’s garbage at a Korean it works for some people cuz they get lucky cuz there’s only so much shit to watch out there but the truth is if you really want to make people happy you have to know who you are and what you want and express it and make yourself laugh if you’re doing comedy and then it’s your tough luck if only three million people like as opposed to 18 million people exactly the same as everybody liked everything that I did I wish I really do but I’m not going to change what he does because then what have you been doing any writing like an animated penguin movie it would be worse than that you like she like there’s one that you like and it was written by a guy who was operating the top of his game and woke up with a boner for animated penguins
Mitch hurwitz would be slumming it and then I could bring shreyan you you’d be watching the liar lie and so he has to do what he has to do the top of his RPMs and just like beep bummed out what were you talking about infidelity and I talked about what do you want for a long time are is observation was like he’s a jazz musician on top of all that he has this weird connection where you able to focus on people that he doesn’t he doesn’t work with the actor just passed people like their crayons in a crayon box you don’t even talk to them and then he sends him a script and says you can do do do the lines the way I wrote him move don’t see fullest shit you know they be saying that cuz he really mean that he doesn’t give a fuck if you do the script or not he’s Woody Allen
he likes the people do the take you know and you know you say cut and then they look at you like it or did I do a good job and of course you can’t stare at them all day so you have to say something so you say is that was fine. The people are mannequins to him they are there like like like he’s playing a video game where everyone is like an obstacle to get past so he can do what he wants to do he’s just playing Grand Theft Auto and his goal is to is to make the most movies ever which is which is great thing is that his brain is shape different you can’t you do you got to do what you want to do he’s doing what he live with it what’s the difference of the shape of your brain that makes you do what you do well like a planet
and it has beautiful clouds and I don’t know or something like that best original screenplay Oscar that would be it would be hard to get up the next day I’d probably play a lot of Minecraft
after I got okay what am I more chocolate pudding but will you Endeavor to do that cuz you said you think you broke her both helping each other out if I like the idea is like you seem like more of a feature writer than a TV right it’s making it up. He was just kind of felt that when you watch TV and I got
hilarious of the Korean War
please great Jerry Seinfeld thing about TV it doesn’t feel like it’s written if it’s good and yeah I never the TV I fell into an accident I wanted to write movies I would have been for that I wanted to write books I always wanted to be legit don’t quote me man cuz I ain’t said shit look him up
died of AIDS jumped off the bridge of AIDS in
Phyllis Diller and she was 95 and she died in her sleep and whoever found in the house and found her and she smiled if I can do it why does it always have to be like like like I did this in his liver did that in a long have this thing and then he had a complicated after the show at the Improv I like I think she’s 89 and she put down in my presents for pretty big Beefeater Gin martinis and she was just solid as a rock and also I would have stayed strong though she might she might have a couple in there a billiard ball
she done very well first off and children the first female comedians if I got made it like possible for women and she was just as beautiful as you are about being ugly but she really wasn’t really beautiful she’s very pretty and some 37 years old when she started should five kids or someone to do the housewives 37 years old when she started a career and she died a beloved amazing president 95 years old with a fucking smile on her face at me so happy and also wasteful and saddled I want today any better than that put me in a strange mood I’m not going to I’m not going to blab be asleep my relationship with pink hair is what really set things off but because it reminded me and reminded me a hundred times since I don’t like suicides it makes me very uncomfortable because I feel like I’m a very weak person and I feel like if I get sick and it’s rumored that you look for reasons with the stuff I want
when did Tony Scott to this I heard the rumor that he had terminal brain cancer I don’t know if that’s still a router
still a rumor Ian comfortable because it feels too close to home feels too close to some hypothetical home I feel like I wouldn’t have the strength to endure hardship I don’t I have a told on Friday the story of me calling an ambulance because I had too much coffee I I didn’t I N A I was miserable I would say I’d like like I’m I’m a pretty I’m a pretty cut off your nose to spite your face guy I’m a pretty like fuck you if you don’t want me my brains out
if you get diagnosed with a terminal illness just to just to walk around with that take your time take your time I just want to take a loan at the bank well you know I got milk
bro oh really
Hermantown everybody you guys have been wonderful as always
oh shit
I always forget let me find the thank-yous nobody go anywhere
think again Katie Levine are audio recording
police Emily Gordon fine artist thank you so much for coming down again it doesn’t matter
who else did we abused good night all you guys are awesome thank you

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