Episode: 55 – Shahruz the Web Guru

Episode

Episode: 55 – Shahruz the Web Guru

Description

After a well meaning stranger poisons the audience with beef fungus, Chinese Ironman, Eddie Murphy, John Landis and Yakov Smirnoff are discussed. In D&D, everyone dies.

Transcript

hear ye hear ye
Cinco de Mayo and station of harmontown is in session please welcome the mayor of harmontown Dad harmer
cricket
just come trailer Kumail nanjiani
anybody come here to see Jeff Davis tonight
y’all got fat just want to make sure you brought him herpes
if he can’t get it twice
not have herpes
Ginger Snap super cookies
for you and Pat Gasland experiencing is only through audio a a guy who looks I would describe as a sleepy Scott Thompson from a sitting by himself with a satchel between his legs said I brought Jeff something and unzip the satchel and pulled out a sealed bag of of super cookies there’s a vegan cookies
I also brought meet you also brought in me or you didn’t want him to be less what’s your name brought meat
to me
we’re about to find out I mean that’s why I took one of these people that I don’t want to keep repeating that he’s saying in the front row
nobody knows all right go ahead feel okay so have you ever had a food that you were like oh my God this is so awesome I have to share it you’re like a great pitch man already shared it with everybody
turn on um okay.
What is this from Calais with taxes
okay you flew that back from Texas
or just poison beef jerky there are the ingredients there’s no poison on the little floss things for your teeth right so if you’re going to die you better like how to clean teeth play Plainville Wisconsin a lot of time I’ve actually been forgotten everything I’ve lived a lot of different places I moved to Cincinnati Ohio then moved to Australia then moved to Vancouver Canada
then to Texas now I’m out here where in Australia Brisbane and going forward let’s start from some from tonight where you show up with a satchel full of meat
and I will at least backward later I was at the one thing is that you just you’re very excited about this jerky right you said if you ever had a kid that I didn’t need to come up on stage to share it good and it’s from I was really concerned that you go that’s very nice but did you bring enough for the rest of the class more bags
oh my God what about curiosity ended at
there’s there’s two there’s two in there if you could open up to people he is throwing out Stacks and stacks of beef jerky episode
that’s how it’s packaged like how it’s packaged yeah it’s a little brown paper bags with packing tape yeah creator of community dies along with 30 of his biggest fans word meltdown would be like 9:11 or Boston you know the guy that beef jerky David Letterman would be making jokes about it I would have the dancing beef jerky’s
well thank you thank you Bill before you’re awesome.
Are you going to try it then I don’t know. Not just right now I mean it’s it’s you know what it would take so long to open the package and if it wouldn’t take so long to open the package and then maybe I’ll never even if it’s a servo
weather in open bag for teriyaki
hickory smoked how can I try it but how much sugar is in a sugar in it people don’t know that
I’m in an eye on it is one of the ingredients I was really good
had to just throw it
tell the terrible throw thank you thank you
is it weird or is it perfectly normal in everyone’s first thought is a human flash it’s poison you know I don’t think mine’s of beef jerky
all right so it wasn’t somebody in the audience is like offering up once it has already has cultures of fungus fungus growing on it it does all fungus any of that
all right what are the bills bills holding his head in shame and fail you didn’t make this right you just thank you so much Texas Pride ride be from Texas chip in a plastic bag some up some are down into one of them and life life found a way
as dr. Malcolm would say he would he would he would warn you about that yeah me too
I didn’t do it thinking it would be cool if we all died or if it turned out to be people but the but the boring Saturday more realistic thing is that we all just like spend the next three days for shooting and puking no one’s going to care about that that’s alright pulling up my Evernote note note app good I’m okay so I wanted to ask you something is a new comptroller like this is the kind of question I would ask Jeff some well you should feel like it because you did
I was sitting I’ve I’ve been I’ve been sitting in my bed playing a lot of Minecraft on my laptop I got a new souped up Mac MacBook and I’ve been playing a lot of Minecraft totally distracted by the thought of like this growing inside today
giant spider web right now
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes related my own life so is always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker it myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerves like you’re always in good hands
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listening to the people next door outside my window they’re having some kind of party in the backyard and they’re having a lot of fun and has a distinctive sound to an outdoor party it was only good time and I was sitting in bed playing Minecraft on my laptop
and I didn’t feel left out but I was happy that they’re having a party and I started to think you know I should I should just have people come over to my house and have a party in the backyard but not invite myself and I can just sit and play Minecraft is that a agoraphobia or is that just the craft
I heard stories of it like like like you out now laying everybody works for somebody’s images of assisted to so-and-so I’ve heard stories about Eddie Murphy that he he he he would have big parties he has these big parties opposed to Pluto Nash Eddie Murphy has these parties we’re just like he because he’s Eddie Murphy I just hope he can just invite a million people and he has people like throw a party and he kind of like hangs back and they’ll make an appearance on a balcony and kind of wave two people up a note and then like there’ll be a certain point where everybody gets kicked out but up until then they’re they’re just partying at Eddie Murphy’s house but they’re not partying with Eddie Murphy and me I want to hear it but I don’t want to participate in it and it does sound like you’re playing Minecraft and people are having fun outside and it’s your doing you made all this fun happen
reminded me that I used to sit backstage at the comedy 10th and Milwaukee Summerfest is where I look I would meet like their various Headliners would come through town to your your your Richard Lewis is in your Louie Anderson’s in your ear Jon Stewart’s and things and pick their brains your bobcat goldthwait’s for instance liners entertain like 3,000 people I know it just I just like the sound of them laughing and having a good time but I didn’t want to it’s weird because you think of me as a very narcissistic vein control freaky ego-driven guy like I would like I do I do I want to be the reason why they’re laughing maybe maybe have a better person than you think maybe I just want people to be having a good time and maybe if you want something done right you have to do it yourself so I I think you just explain narcissism
exemplified a question about Richard Lewis and he wears a lot of bright colors that make the most of those guys was like I never wanted to be a nuisance I remember it being really cool yeah I’m really nice as you would imagine that sticks out my head in credibly like forthcoming and nnn get you no talking just Tom Kenny I remember get giving me and strive like like like the advice that I still give to young people at the create creatively what is his advice on the voice of SpongeBob
we ask him as soon as you know like an Egyptian hacking question what’s your advice for young comics and he said go through your set list and cross off everything that didn’t make you laugh out loud by yourself when you were right I got home really quick that’s like our
and there is like one thing out of your first 10 minutes that’s going to be that one thing you know you got to ditch the other nine and that that’s that why Patton Oswalt is hysterical after all he needs of of going through that he does that every time and yeah works that ship stuff you it’s not you just assumed about going to be a certain way so I would go back to the jokes that don’t make me laugh but that work and every rooms got milk but instead of milk I’m saying I mean I’ve heard people laugh at that and that Piranha movie poop instead of you going like here’s the thing that I think it’s funny
the big mistake does that that’s not what anybody would be no one’s here by a ticket to that but even people who like watching Tim Allen’s thing whatever it’s called mayonnaise mayonnaise mayonnaise mayonnaise Mayo Manzone speaking from the heart they wouldn’t want him to like stop the going to go like
meet demands on, let me know and I’ll do whatever you want whatever you want this guy region is that you’re just sort of speaking up there and you’re not really speaking for the benefit of any person but it is for yourself and that worked out kill the Elder I would love if he did like was once the fuck this is not who I am you know I did cocaine really a lot for like 15 years don’t you want to hear about that I want to hear about that. Like like like it would be weird like when you hear it when you hear those outtakes and you go on YouTube and type in like Thundercats you know you feel the Thunder Thunder Thunder Thunder
the guy from America’s funniest videos that there’s a real of him going I come I don’t think there’s anybody out there that actually like like not incredibly profane yeah
television this concept of standards and practices it’s like I don’t want my kid to hear it’s not weird at all makes perfect sense it’s a common denominator it’s like we all have to suffer cuz someone’s 8 year old kid might be watch so much already
hearing other people say and you’re like no I’m normal cuz I remember when I was buying out to fucking and feel horribly guilty cuz I had already heard them say it but if my mom was cool you know how to beat fungus growing in my life and my lungs my head is going to come off and turn into a spider
or maybe you get a superpower from then maybe probably a 1% chance of that if Tiff Darwin’s food and it’s delicious it’s funny if there’s fungus on it
luckily that’s what happened so you contributed to the well-being of the show
he should definitely should forgive himself but at the same time I mean he went out on a limb that’s all he told me he did like everybody it’s almost like there’s a reason for it
should I be ashamed of myself because I didn’t feel like get up this morning and go look at what food am I going to bring to harmontown that you gave them the pleasure of going like boundaries for a reason
yeah you make them feel great
you’re awesome Bill he’s a he’s a culinary Goldberg
I want to live an empty web Guru Guru is out here at the weather in Richardson today
if you just said Webb.
Are the web Mystic
what are you sure
I didn’t know that do the handshake handshake
they’re just like I like I’m totally colorblind like I don’t know right
yeah except you then caught yourself and then he became slightly racist I don’t know if I’m the guy who gets to say people are racist or not you’re not racist
all right sure it is regardless of his Heritage is a computer genius intimidatingly so and he does he does a lot of pro bono computer work and couldn’t he did this thing for harmontown a long time ago that I’ve never taken advantage of and I keep reminding myself to try it it’s like anyways do this thing with the internet and people’s cell phone
where are you cuz I could say for instance I could go today and then like the people that have
Adam Goldberg clapping to the surprise of no-one
aren’t they may or may not be the all the people that you’re tough it was much more obvious is that they’re the people who don’t mind everyone knowing and it’s too much like there’s too much Heisenberg Principle happening in that measurement you know like I know we have this like this you know new technology available to us some to every once in awhile like okay what percentage of you really feel this way or that way there was there was like an anonymous way to very quickly do these poles and I said that to shrews and he whipped up this thing that creates this geofence around the room that you’re in a really amazing I mean not physically
I guess it’s just not as amazing it is amazing because it’s the things that are the phones are within a certain diameter
send Erin the bear very impressive
okay thank you card right away you are exactly if my mom’s Quince when she looks at me she sees you
my mom wanted me to be I thought you were
in her dreams I’m serious go to computer Camp go to America I like it the magical mystical gestures his visit by the pakistanis guy
I command you go to the United States and learn computers for my family and then you and then you came and look at you
you were saying it’s okay so you can do pulse with this program
yeah so what the problem is that we have to think of something like you know I can’t multitask like it it’s like what you what we can do is we can think of any like kind of multiple choice question yeah and then we can he can punch it in and then we can give them this URL but they can access on their phone and they they can all go to it and and they can very easily vote and there’s like a Time window and after that time when do it’ll send all the results to me to email address that he specifies with like a pie chart and everything and how about let’s do people think you’ve been races tonight
and or if you could be one when you’re not racist one where you don’t want to be racist but hey we’re all human and then one that’s like yeah
write it specifically that I’ve been racist tonight. What do you think I’m reaching out and doing good like she was some kind of gypsy from thinner the voice was the voice was fun but what about what what about the real the real definition of racism and I actually like like like do I am I am I so obsessed with race that I actually can’t Schlage a normal person would not do you think about that so much I heard you made the associated Guru to Indian which he is not
I said I said I said sure is our web Guru and then I and that’s what tripped I was like sure oozar web Guru Vandana oops that sounded bad. Kind of sand do you want that to be the question am I racist run and then we can
is being racist and then let’s what are the possible answers yes and no obviously and then maybe more than he desperately doesn’t want to be but unintentionally he has some barriers how much how many characters did unlimited but I just want to point out that that Adam Goldberg just texted me yes
why do you have a phone number to your phone number I’ve been over this before I has techniques
okay so that doesn’t drive this is just a test run yeah just do the racist yes or no don’t even give him a certain no one minute time limit or you make it to tent pole t e n t p o l l. It all but but pull like a like a like a Gallup poll play on. I changed the most clever thing I’ve ever come up with my life…… So everybody’s different location permission hit yes I want to tell you about no
it’s not working for me
just do it just do it did it ask you for permission
where is it Android or iOS, it doesn’t matter that lady’s phone
call Hani TV fungus on it no no no it works for me
you know what’s a good podcast when somebody on microphone says I’m going to go into your settings
oh okay so the results are in all right is Dan racist yes 14 votes no 15 votes
what does need more data 20 votes so you made it seem like it was there the vocal minority of Iraq minorities
all right can I can I redo my answer
I don’t think we need more data anymore
who’s the snake charming Guru India and carpet but there’s a place in France
it’s been the number one hit in Pakistan for 30 years
hero why now we have a dictator nothing to think about it with that
human rights violations in whatever you want if you went to China and you went to a baseball game and they rely and you’re never been to China and in your just had a baseball game and they said please rise for the national anthem and you’re like that up and it and then I went straight instead to be like what an interesting somebody told me but I believe that it was already the case that at least 60% of all these big movies their their their box office comes from overseas and then we’ve long been living in the age of of we think that we’re like this you know Monroe Doctrine like
culture like giving out entertainment to foreign markets which are still just want to see Robert Downey Junior fly around and it’s naughty film industry Market to the point where they they remade Red Dawn and they were originally it was like the Chinese invaded America then they had to go back in and they’re still at using computers to change everything to Korean did you know that that’s what happened they that’s why I read. It took so long pink Kong versus Godzilla had different endings in Japan Godzilla wins in here in a bit
for real you do you mean the old school ones or do you not give a shit about what I heard is that Iron Man 3 had like four minutes of Chinese extra Chinese bonus footage in it where Tony Stark says there’s a scene where he in the Chinese release where he goes to China and and is like
band together against this octopus Master whatever the thing is
and the article that was that was printed about it was I had the I had the angle that that the Chinese audiences had rejected it critically they didn’t that they were as if it was the other way around like if we love Chinese movies some of us do but I mean if China was just the place that made blockbuster movies and shipped him over here and we went to see Iron Man 3 instead of like lead paint if they focused on movie Doctor Who which I really really love this hole now it’s getting popular hear there’s a season where they shot some in American is literally no cowboy hat and stuff and for me even though I’m sort of honorary American it really really bugs me that they were clearly making such a transparent effort to like Boo American audience
cowboy hat I need to like Utah and stuff like about it is with the comedian whose just talking about what they think they want to hear for somebody to really talk about it exact same Principle as if I don’t know why we feel compelled to that God sakes like I mean like I guess it makes sense that you re make the office and then you’re going to go through when you get a change of the references that fine but like we go too far with it or we’re going to like no one wants to watch ugly people try to take of course we do your ugly crime shows like from Sweden and Denmark and stuff and what’s so weird about it I was different cuz they’re amazing shows what I want so don’t have shows where nobody’s attractive on the whole show
and a lot of anal
and a lot more than in Swedish detective shows I guess it’s it gets a little weird because I almost know is that’s a big difference I mean we’re we’re really uptight about that and you know it, was originally Swedish right it was an adaptation like that right, the reason why would pretend to start to leave and then he’d come back in the original Eli can anal sex then he’s just leaving the scene and coming back in for another question but the Swedish Colombo is it was
I was like there should be the same amount of anal with John Landis about that and an Indian and he been in the fist fight that’s how he lost an eye Peter talk yeah that’s true
it’s funny when you’re sometimes like you could just see what the other person is perfect why are we connected by the way I know John Landis I did a episode of television with him why what did you do that which is about 30 miles north of it’s just you know it’s by like a Six Flags whatever and there was one day where we were shooting and he said I swear he said Charlie Chaplin modern times Santa Clarita now I’m shooting fucking Franklin and baths are you joking John Franklin & Bash and said that
quarantine Franklin & Bash
NN Franklin was like
Jack Wright this guy is like the John Lennon
it was just a weird moment for everyone being like I’m doing and also just you look at like you know all them the grand scheme of entertainment that people have made and yeah it’s just a weird no it’s not it’s not it’s just it’s just who cares it’s not everyone has a bad day some people have many
that’s a bad day for two people I know your mom got a great story out of it
Acme Indiana is Harrison Ford
get off of my plane and into my pussy it says it doesn’t even make sense and she and she’s like should I make another shirt to make it stop it talked to Dad he don’t communicate
and there’s Netflix that you can watch more movies like I you don’t even know this person and if you ever run into the judge as he did his going to let him go
is it going to say look what you are wearing and it’s not going to be like a sexist thing isn’t what you were wearing is a sandwich board
I just want to make a few things things in this morning so you don’t open your mouth all the way and I don’t think women are inferior

red cow
Jesus riding a magic carpet
I never take this out to my
Emily’s Mom
Emily’s mom if she doesn’t know that 9/11 was an inside job but she like Whispers like whatever she says she doesn’t say she has cancer she Whispers cancer he has depression and the word Jewish
incurable
she’s not she’s not saying like they’re bad people she’s just knows that they can’t go in unless nothing they can do about it
God damn it we got there was only we going to roll into other duties I know duties as usual
Tango Bell
it’s a cake that says go marbles go it’s a she made her her monkey in frosting
so that’s your cake Bell that that’s our way it’s a teachable moment to you by like this is how you give people food you don’t poison them see how it has no fungus on a lady write that down
adult male that take the Texas
and say it’s okay wrap it up and packing to you take it to the just give it to him I’m assuming he’s big enough to stand by the way I got really upset with you and it’s all be happy and that’s what he does
call seduced and flip it and he also got like begging to his ex super-patriot and he really got it at 9:11 and we’ll see if you don’t know this he had this Banner he’s an artist he makes paintings get this Banner made that hung from across Ground Zero and it’s exactly of Liberty was like a heart and stuff and it’s got some crazy W Union in Russia 11 never forget the money can I sell stupid
bulshit pandering things
he’s big in Branson Missouri Middle America yeah I’m kind of like just because what begets what chicken lays one egg maybe he’s maybe he’s his ideologies really actually I’m sure it is but you convinced yourself that he was the stepin fetchit of Russians you know he would come out
Russian but I don’t like it too much you know and then we would go so that makes me feel better about buying a credit cards and shoes and stuff and you don’t buy credit cards but but button and I always assumed too because he was like an icon of for all I knew he had like a you know you was even have a Russian accent turn off is not his real name and you did take that because of the Vodka what he was like I don’t feel like they’re still like this vodka associate after he changed his name to Smirnoff I assume there’s both pic man jack off vodka Smirnoff is not and he took it from the Vodka again what we thought the Chinese would like he did to us and it’s fucking work
and by interesting I mean the opposite
I actually feel better thinking that he actually doing because when I heard like I was huge and Branson I was a painter is like a liberal and a and a Cosmopolitan like was it like like like Matt a Red State or actually like you like the third Act of his biopic is him and Branson going like this is something cool he makes like millions of dollars and he has this his whole family he’s got a white wife and have a whole family where they like play the national anthem on violins and stuff like that likes it so it’s sort of the place where other immigrants go to like completely Pandora and sell out
that’s where I live. It was like other countries were like like like go to the zoo yeah yeah lines are lazy look at that one’s before they broke out to the fucking us having all these weird babies super golfers
everything everything just these colors don’t run my ass
they ran together brother
seriously bugs in your backyard to get a wind-up radio it’s over and it’s over because of races is the name of this episode, night super golfers out here and
what up
what up spend how much man nice comp trolling thank you you’re eating the cookies I want to try the cookies I guess they are sealed he’s just like a fungus guy who gives people fungus right
I mean just for the listeners at home like the piece of one of our one of our members held up a piece of beef jerky as we all finished happy ending the first bite and there’s so much mold on one of the mildew whatever it is it looks like a rabbit’s foot
it has a coat of white beautiful fur that happened stuff like he pulled at didn’t participate in the pool and then the one I have has a little bit
that happens though like Kirkland Signature brand teriyaki beef jerky will also a manifest that on occasion I’d say one every six bags text yeah I came my experience this is a terrible ratio yeah Kirkland Signature talk back to you if you want to try this damn these are the wrong I can carbs that stuff will kill you
take to the Eyrie meet it looks like somebody dipped out of these in cotton candy that is how much
are they look like they Goldblum Body Snatchers movie in the 70s 80s and Erin mcgathy can you come out and
it’s real sweet that you brought that of course it’s and it’s not it’s not his fault.
Rivertown medicine honey I would have said that to a guy too but this is a different this was a different organization and sometimes things slip through the cracks I want to eat all the rest of the other end of the spectrum is that photo that was circulating on the internet where the guy found a a 1989 McDonald’s cheeseburger at his coat pocket just like it does on the menu supposed to go bad when is what’s supposed to happen to food that has a life of it the other life is supposed to want to eat it
who is all covered in mold the sentiment is still really something nice for effort f for fungus
I think we were very well I think we went very easy on Obama
I hope you don’t mind me a bill it was tearing up all this is wonderful you’ve made the podcast better
you made the podcast If he if he brought food to actually provide sustenance enjoy for other people that it would it would it would be fair to assume his worst nightmare would be that it was in fact just got released but that wasn’t I would make me cheer up to
that you had shipped in that we’ve all been talking about this jerky and it’s been a lot that we could not have tasted as good as making fun about it feel
and also as I’ve said before when I was on the playground and people to pick on me I would never cry like no matter how hard and you would hit me and him are how many showers they told me to take the first of the tears was the fucking good-natured guy coming up a Goku
glad I wasn’t I wasn’t maybe someone stick up for Erin I’m attacking her too much how you doing
I know what I’m just going to go home to open a window to a snowy front yard put a crown on a crown of a twigs and then go into his father’s Den Cherokee
you’re not allowed to try another tear until someone dies so we’re all okay and you’re absolutely wonderful I don’t know if I wash my hands I made that cake
he said the last bag for the selfie said Bill our job is to make sure you do not eat it
I don’t know why they’re so crazy records of Texas I mean when one piece of meat could like take out a whole lot of it since you don’t need background checks for this jerky
if anyone could take anything away from this podcast never put yourself out there never never be generous never figured why I’m good
I mean I need as a as a real lemon
I work we’re not bullying Bill Beyblade her trying to unbeli whatever people come up and talk and share things and stuff I was want to make sure that we don’t do the lake Jay Leno he kind of like like if they if they use a tea instead of going to fucking throw a parade for the letter T in like I I mean I know we’re jumping on the fucking fungus of the beef but that was like there’s another rule over every night we all we all know that bill didn’t put the glue to make fungus grow is that God like
I’m so happy you talk to other Christian Bale
this is awesome
just like really good jerky I think it’s awesome that has fungus in it the real villain is this man who presented the keys are here that took guts his cars going to explode the parking lot
whistleblower viable which is why you can see white
hey the fungus was inside us the whole time I did not catch myself up on what happened to Chris de Burgh so I don’t know I basically blacked out blacked out for a week and now I want to find out what what happened that makes sense I mean that’s that’s natural all right so should we just go
Villa Spring just give it a shot if you want to pass these out is this the DND music that’s happening
on the previous episode how are heroes this is to Moody we’re still lost Shadow plane after killing brefi the spider on DJ High School Rafi the spider Denizen of the dark to the north behind the dark pillars imposing and flickering fence and to the South the sound of beating hugs was once again audible swiftly following the sound of hooves was none other than Tylenol with codeine the unicorn and with him terrible news Tylenols Forest have been razed to the ground by deviant creatures from another dimension as it dawned on Sharpie that is Aaron Fireballs may have decimated the commie Forest he was quick to admit his error and codeine quicker to forgive the transgression
at the same time Chris de Burgh have been feeling out of sorts after the lack of the last combat spoke nonsense and carbs strange properties prophecies into his own arm and requested he be impaled upon Tylenol with codeine one horn confused than likely disturbed by the sudden masochistic bend the party investigated the gate and set off a trap Chris in Port we’re pinned by shadowy bindings Sharpie leftover a massive Shadow gate and deactivated the Trap freeing his friends but the victory was short-lived but party of Shadows with bladed limbs poured from the darkness behind the gate and a great combat ensued so so great
Our Heroes man has to cut down two of the photos but for remain so it was stepped right in the middle of the fight and it was pretty intense fight actually happened but where Chris de Burgh do with Jeff with Jeff and Krista Berg were fucking and I was jerking off on him and wrapping today
I had to ask myself that as I reviewed the episode and I will is it wasn’t Cannon specifically because if we did that we’d all be dead because you stopped time but you know how to combat time and either your heads would all have been slightly in a sliced to pieces in the ensuing dance number or it didn’t happen but so
you feel a pain in your stomach and your right arm
okay my first question when you say impaled on the Unicorn work what is that mean or is that actual yes oh okay so at some point you look down at your Armand and still bleeding on your flesh is scrubbed the scars of your dagger and say they say how can you have a video game podcast and not play Starcraft 2
that’s what I wrote these words are meaningless yeah that didn’t happen though you you cut it into your arm and then you invited the Unicorn to stab you with his horn which he did with great Vigor and belt to you about 11 damage I believe
what the fuck he ought to be lucky that cut off his fingers cuz he was gunning for that for a while I gave him a healing potion in his mom’s all right oh my God she did she really I don’t know I don’t know why I assumed you knew Duncan what stocks now is that I’m the asshole for being upset I would probably have Duncan’s character impaled by a unicorn seems any one thing’s for sure if we should fight these shadow let’s go
everything yeah marbles around and did he have sex with marbles are ready and then we’ll all run a train on Jeff
I got to put it at the shadow creatures turn I’m just four of them left two of them were cut down I Believe by the blade of cork so one of them is actually trying to strangle cork with like a slim is the Smoky gas that’s choking them down that’s you Bill your court all right the rest of the Shadows rear back and their limbs turned into smoke and they flow towards you with another amazing speed you can try to dodge but you fail miserably that is two of you do however Chris de Burgh manages to jump out of the way of the incoming smoke the rest of you you feel to smoke a hit you right in the face in its all black and you can’t see for a moment and then it forces itself down your throat and you feel yourself coughing and choking on smoke is that you were in a terrible fire
no damage though but I mean use my talking dagger and try to cut on the tentacles for my neck
alright you successfully strike the smoke however it being smoked it is instantly parted and reforms I feel like he gave you a clue that that was not going to work
it’s a talking that’s what it would do probably yeah you do that’s a given spell this from your lungs yeah okay yeah that makes sense and I like run backwards really quickly your lungs of the terrible gas within you manage to choke back a bet you’re gaining a bit of breath your head grows a bit clearer but still still trying trying to invade choq bombs that were hurt smoke
play only blow up smoke no no for like diversions and when not over the weeks like these things get soaked with wine and vodka and you’ve had to like Ray crisp sheets and each time you do like an English teacher you kind of like Circle things and put! So like oh yeah well I mean I circled I circled the soul growth because that’s the most powerful artifact a guy doesn’t count so far and I circled your temporary stats because you lost strength and Constitution when your your shadows ran away I thought that was wrong but you’re letting me know that the soul of growth is important or not I will let you know it’s not important in this area it’s literally the most powerful object you guys encountered so far
Sharpie is I think it’s your turn this all that back it might be useful
yeah yeah yeah and as I recall I was I was limited to level one and two spells yeah you’re still a 3 level 3 ones all right I should eat more often me too brother I brought you some chips yeah but like by the time I like and then who knows how long it’ll take for the nutrients to absorb you feel not hungry right away
yeah pretty much have food Wars
I will categorically deny that there is like a time that it takes for your brain to register that your full and satiated yeah yeah sure I will be out for Thursday finally
I feel like it first and principal but it’s really not you do
you do you spell sir I do me alright fuck it scorching Ray I mean I don’t have anything clever to do waving your hands in a magical manner you fire off a couple bowls of fire towards the show Gotham it strikes one directly in the right arm the right blade arm that that happens that’s not really relevant but dealing
everybody shut up 12 damage
you know we weren’t saying anything I know that
that was a joke needs a snack have attacked daggers back a couple of steps and you can see is Smoky arm kind of flutter a bit like keeps on keeping on but he hasn’t actually taking an action can I use acid will that help I have Isles of assets so yeah if you pour that on something they could like burn away at it and potentially cause damage
well I sort of take a vial of acid and I throw it at one of the guy that he was that he hit that’s a strategic move definitely yeah you use strike him up during back you whip your hand forward and fling the half-open vial of acid its Max the guy directly in the face and shatters on impact and you see kostick green liquid fizzling burn on the on the being surface dealing for damage that’s barely anything attacking it with a knife what’s what’s more logical Than Physical listening
there’s a physical being
where’s the nearest Channel dudes I mean it’s the shadow monsters gaining a hold over you in your limbs are getting kind of numb and your minds going to be damn like you might lose Consciousness pretty soon I would say that the three of you and again not you because I’m yeah however to the guys seeing that you haven’t been you know fected by this charge towards you and slice that you would their bladed limbs I use my uncanny Dodge you might think that
on channel you managed to dodge one of the blows but the other strikes you directly in the right thigh specifically dealing seven damage packed up and putting in a quartz turn I don’t know what to do like how do we kill these guys I feel like I’m going to the games a lot more like simpler and I need a gas station a my position right now try to clean it with fire sword yeah go for it
an awesome about okay with your sword you slice directly through the damage shadow creature and you managed to deal when I was pretty good 14 damage spelling the guy in a single strike where it would be a rib on a normal person but he’s a shadow guy
dealing a further $17
but he brought bad meat
temper your applause he is killing us slowly
Miss fortitude saves not optional was that a smoked rib-eye but yeah
play what it is but they’re also smoke and the Shadows are going into our throats but we can sometimes cut the move stores and sometimes not you can cut smoke with the sword but it doesn’t have any effect on the that’s what happened did they are physical beings whose limbs are transmuting to to smoke or some sort of gas at the source I was saying how do I take out 303 Aerospace them to your feet
is it possible to fire three arrows while also guzzling some want to know if I can Google some water and then fire for you yeah I can’t make confusedly slept well I mean I pushed out the smoke with fire I can’t put siren with with water I can’t fire me or just choking is a water leak
it’s a fine sir it’s a very specific color are putting themselves out there
destroy anyone who wore a shirt tonight
hey David head would your mom fuck up General ugly
correction for face when he was acting like I was killing him by throwing his arms up in the air and they really upset so I’m assuming that’s what happened.
Yeah so if I am looking at me and you have to let it go let it go
to the arrows miss their Mark the one plant itself directly into right now left hand she makes fun of his share of the smoke monster dealing stick damage
no worries are you going to be here
oh my God I can have some cake dude you can have something in the world
all right
I can’t wait to have a half self-conscious children with you
I know that’s a joke a like they don’t have a chance
forgot you were going to come out of your uterus and go like
do I do it wrong
what’s the price of steel
free bleeding irregularly
play behind the knife out of her vagina and start googling itself
I didn’t apologize for it for the rest of its life
I asked if it’s okay and then I apologize for it again. It’s your turn up the song
can I go
holding the soul of growth a lot that is caught with a as you are life that shifts into a more Emerald is greenish yellowish light before
for a second you could you can see what actually looks like light for the first time in the shadow plane and the razor cast upon your body and you feel yourselves becoming stronger and more able to carry on you all gain
16 Health points of Health right back to your life totally yeah
that’s why I said like maybe relevant know I would be smoked monsters turn
there’s three of them left right that’s true yet
there’s any I know there’s just three attacks so I mean they’re happening all right so sure to be that last like expulsion of are kind of like took the last year are in the rest of the smoke and invades your lungs you’re really on the ropes you think you might have a couple more breaths before you lose Consciousness just from this breathing sort of thing more rain in fact does lose Consciousness only Kumail and experience points
so I’m okay yeah yeah yeah Chris de Burgh is not affected by the smoke or cuz actually managed to cop some of the smoke out and is shaking it off for the most part I’m okay so it’s just me and you but we’ll he’s he’s still barely conscious Pixar Ashley
all right saw something that kids can giggle at but parents to be like this is Angie.
alright I take what’s a Bola is that like a cat of nine tails it’s kind of like that except instead of having like a whip handle you whip around and throw it and hope to ensnare your foes by the legs hurt him a little bit if you hit him not much it’s mostly try to trip okay well what I do is I tied a wire song to one of the Bolos

and then I just fucking don’t look at me like that and also tie the Red Cap poison do that and I tie one other thing of acid I should do that I put on my goggles at night and all of that I just kind of throw it
all the all the good stuff
also one of my shoes cuz you know
cuz no regrets right so you throw it but the added weight of all these non aerodynamic objects actually pulls it off its course kind of Falls Big Short
just sitting on the ground I go back and get my shoe
I tied it all together that’s what it happened I mean three of your shoe you attract the ire of one of the blade monster thing I was going to say the right thing and it doesn’t even make sense on the back feeling a mirror to damage that’s cool
how close am I you are like in melee range with these dudes I’m going to try to kick one back in Power Attack another okay it’s kind of tricky to pull these two moves off the same time so I can give you a penalty on the kick because you’re going to put more effort into the attack probably shock alert
penalty other Kik
I like their physical actions
a Pabst
you can’t even pretend to talk Jack
not real football home run.
So what happens after he does all that I don’t even know anymore no okay see you try to kick the guy but you know his is semi solid form actually kind of morphs around in your foot kind of just get stuck a little bit it’s not good it’s not comfortable not feeling good is it this off balance nature throws off your attack and you swing a bit wide catching one on and you know the tip of his head doesn’t hit him very hard but I you managed to a Nick I’m just a skosh dealing about six damage
6 damage he needed to kick I think that’s what fucked us
but but that’s okay I threw up didn’t help us Erin is asleep. You have one more action when were a real real sick or out alright
sorry one more action
I take this very seriously you should my final action you might die I hope I don’t
my final action
is going to Define me as a person
damn it this is going to be if you like to ask the audience
I want to I want it can I do a Lifeline I go for it
what are you who you pointing at Galesburg great what about the guy that you alright that first hand up there
SummerSlam attire Badger is that level three years that I know I mean I mean is there really effective combatants don’t get me wrong all right forget it I just wanted to make sure it is level 3 you guys sorry sorry to rain on everyone’s parade
level 3 spell
alright I’m going to I know this is going to seem repetitive yeah but I got to go I’m going to pull out
one of the shards one of those crystal shards
not the sole of gross but one of those shirts that we were okay don’t tell us tell them
message Richard of the unknown
Edwards
nothing nothing happened
it’s a level 3 spell you’re out of those yeah that sounds good yeah Joe that’s good stuff that’s what my character says to you feeling 18 damage a felon
badass she just leave it to me one of the remaining creatures
at exertion however was all it took you feel yourself drift off fall to the floor unconscious to left and there are only two left of you
raising the stakes alright well let’s finish this battle real quick is it there so they actually now that one of them is drop dead and the other two are of you guys are they kind of square off and they just charged towards you you can see their limbs and they’re under bodies kind of turned into the Smoky thing in the kind of turned into spectral forms as they charged towards you and blast straight through you and you feel a violent chill go through your body
yeah violent indeed you take damage you feel your insides just feel as if they’ve been frozen solid somehow and you double over in pain
what happens to Bone all right well I just looking people just like all the things that I’ve tied up
into a useless ball
and some pretty close to them right yep I take a normal just yeah bro I got no weapon I’m hunting you like Ben Kenobi tonight is a wire saw something I can use against them weapons dude Globetrotter from the Globetrotters cartoon that would pull things out of your afro yeah I’ll use a telephone to get out of here so I use the bow and it has it says I have x 3 critical yeah that means if you critical hit it super effective attack bonus + 9 + 100 + 9 is helpful all right let’s do it so I rolled the attack and apparently you’ve hit so far from your short do you strike one of the remaining photos directly in his
I directly everytime why chest dealing 6 damage + 9 + 9 is your to hit the damage is just the 1D Hannah might be 28
okay alright let’s move past it I’m putting in a corks turn right then work so well this time
pulling you through the guy and I will yeah so mixed up you guys crazy
what if you fly then you can backstab the Menendez fight and be awesome well yeah but he’s the flanking when he doesn’t get sneak attack damage yeah yeah you guys anyway so he he he doesn’t hit is what I’m trying to say with your Greatsword you use swing a bit you know how do you swing a bit but you know they just flew through you in your own iced up insides that’s the tough you don’t hit it happens I’m sorry
okay is it their turn again yeah it is so what’s going to happen
yeah do you want to dream I’m asking if you want to drink a boy
I dream of a cloud made out of horse fur
and I am I take off all of my clothes and I cover myself and lotion and I stumble across the horse fur and Fiona Apple’s playing in the background and he says come down from the sky and I saw my face but there are no calories
and then also I defeat the enemy I guess that’s my dream I mean I have a dream that races get along
hi roaded
anytime you guys want to go back to that pole
I dream of me and lime shirt are signing the deal on a house together Let It Go
remind me none of this is making it better yeah it’s all of this is making it worse
The Bad Touch of conversation
explosion
I saw braces Amanda you don’t get to see ya together one dream for turn you guys
I’m going to have to be firm on this Spencer
I think we all right well I hope so
I don’t get why that got a reaction hateful assholes what is there turn right so both of their limbs of turned into smoke at this point there but they do you know what the went through you ice your insides you twist it around veiled some attacks right that happened and then that both of their limbs turned into smoke and fly directly towards you it’s like they’re strangling you can actually feel your throat being throttled as the smoke is invading your senses and yeah it’s not good to go he had the soul of growth out yeah
you’re being strangled in the movie rattlesnake behind lose Consciousness one each yeah they’re both taking on each you guys why kind of stab his guy like I do this kind of thing kind of like that makes sense to me
so I yeah you do that you stabbed him just a bit dealing 6 damage just a bit
shit with dying that’s the cool thing about this game you can buy all going to die tonight if I can actually grab the solow growth I’m going to try to call you again okay so yeah yeah Cleavon again cool move man I dig it
uh-oh he knows something we don’t know I don’t like that look what happens in impacts your accuracy and you swing wildly trying to clear through both of these beings in one but it’s not happening it’s not happening it just doesn’t happen or not happen again loosens on the sword drops from your hands and you fall to your knees God I are on the verge of unconsciousness take this opportunity
2
so he did he fuck me last night were no no I didn’t have time for that why wasn’t that anyone’s dream I put my soft penis inside him and have it grow like the fungus is growing inside of me right now summoning the last vestiges of your wheelchair Mighty member of a poisoned dagger okay
I like that better I take my poisoned dagger and I stab the bad guys
you miss
oh my God what’s going to happen
because again as it happens when you’re being strangled and smokes going down your throat and your cough and stuff in a wheezing and not breathing you know combat sore gets harder
just the thing it’s like you know in Game of War if it didn’t happen did it
sitting here with a bag of chips and a Milky Way bar murdering us yeah just laying waste anything we could definitely try
oh my God oh my God Bill what if he murdered us over whose head again I’m sorry
all right no one with your last dying nope doesn’t happen
sorry not sorry Bill sorry Bill
all over this game so we all we all go unconscious until you regain it in the future or die in Wright-Patt
Xcel Energy bill thank you bro
all right well what have we learned tonight Kemal don’t put yourself out there
unless you’re fungus unless you find your lunch case is like go for it the big winner tonight is fungus you can you can die in D&D you can get your ass kicked and then what happens create new characters start over like a bunch of pussies
have you died in D&D before this documentary was it used Spencer this documentary about this dungeon master who like got pissed off and they have this game that they been playing for yours like five guys you know I’m talking about and he ended up killing all those people and they all got really upset and then the documentary said yours later where this guy is going back to like reconnect with all the people who he killed in the DNA again so Spencer I’m sorry even that documentary cuz it’s already happened
all right I’ll get through
well usually when Jeff’s here this is the point of the show where we don’t know how to end it will keep the tradition alive
I can’t remember what the last time I cried is probably I watched probably some sad movie or something
must have been some documentary prod cried during some documentary there’s some rough ones out there so that you never watch it because you know what Imma do not if you haven’t seen a do not watch it I’m genuinely saying cuz who Emily and I got to do a lot of like real crime docs and we just watch them over and over and this was just one of them they should come with a fucking warning like I do not watch this one a that’s all it’s supposed to be called
cuz it’s a bunch of them about people wrong in prison and then escaping and then this one is like too much so yeah man
all right well I can only think that that we got to do the song
do I put the song There’s a song you like do a song about the whole shell
yeah hit it yeah
what are you got the boots all right yeah all right that does not end the show goes into a terrible rapper then I’m ready for that she’ll just have to end in spite of me trying to end it with a rap going to be the first night with the rap is catastrophically brilliant I just canceled the show those two words don’t go together
all right
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah well I’m sure it doesn’t matter that you’re in here your mama without fear and stupid who cares
something about that felt like really I wonder what it was
the guy who’s already been chat on and then talk about how you fuck his mom and I regret it just doesn’t topic Jimmy give me a topic fungus
fungus the fungus is of racism and softball
Yelp Yelp
yo-yo
open the Air Sports Breton they don’t care they got to go from one location to another they fuck your daddy and they talked to your mother that go from a piece of bread to to meet don’t care if they go down the streets are mushrooms that spread through the air to that you have no idea I forgot there were people here I forgot I was comped rolling I was these mushrooms fucking that guy’s mom and dad
I need to figure out a way to end a show I think you just have to like commit to the thing I feel like the beat that the rap is really good and I think your youth you you get to that moment where you think about it too much I like you have to just go and just keep going and at the end of the rap it’s going to be a beautiful piece if it’s made up right I’m full of shit
it’s over when it feels like I’ll go a certain number of Rhymes and then and then you do like a Vincent Price like Bridge like where you just talk okay alright just did I hear that like crazy Middle Eastern like racist crowd and then I’ll point when I point you then you’ll just talk about whatever you just you just being in it or make it profound all right okay yeah I see that you just sent me well I’m sorry I didn’t hear the beat
Middle East Route 70 East traffic without crazy things going on in life you got to beat the Beast with the missile got the foreign policies ocean look at you and me not getting along with the country to Country Park your mama so hard she fell in love with me
I’m going to do with it Pakistan going to go through with it and I use your ass face can I use you’ll and fuck your mama with the back of my hand and put my fist in their pussy and I felt her ovaries sorry
stop topic. Your mama is so far. Tropic Escape her malaria but your mama so hot she got to stay Rihanna singing Shine open to her up over here we can really do this
coffee table there and go to Ikea and just act like we don’t care I have a mirror there so it’s bad luck if you come up the South deer on the patio and a joke decorating your mama’s pussy
decorating your mom’s pussy decorating your mama’s pussy it’s a metaphor for US policy I guess it was trying to say is
it’s bad in the middle age and all you can do is just crack Yourself by the fucking somebody’s mother or going do it out here or eating jerky with fungus on at that kind of stuff I feel there’s no real way to fix that part of the world so all you can do is listen to cruise missile
mama
cool apple apple apple
apple
apple apple apple chips North Korea
all right well
think about it
Power Ranger
really think about it
Credit Karma
thank you Zak and Dustin in the in the audio Moffat the bath
grocery at the bank
I think that’s the part that the Falafel and kadakkal have been lying so take that home with you all right well yeah go home and think about what I told you tonight

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