Episode: 57 – Blood on the Corn

Episode

Episode: 57 – Blood on the Corn

Description

Mayor Harmon and Guest Comptroller Goldthwait examine their own bodies, Dan’s drinking, Jeremy Piven, Bigfoot and their likely deaths by significant other. In D&D, the heroes continue to fight their shadow selves.

Transcript

hello
hello ladies and gentlemen I am podcast both way and I am your guest
I’d like to apologize to the lady and now here
harmontown is now in session
who is the mayor of a child
you’re waiting for your name but I didn’t even know it was possible for you to do it wrong I didn’t write it
I didn’t I didn’t mess that up I stayed there for a second and I was I was with my name is the show anyway and I know the mayor who’s the mayor
call the mayor
iroiro Chinatown good night thank you for filling in for Jeff but you’ll find controlling is as easy as falling off a log when I’m a little nervous by the time you got there
he said no already did you go by the first day of it was just weird Al said no and I don’t know you’re a fan favorite to to citizens of the town
I don’t have Robin Williams number for like the town drunk but sleeps in the open the unlock sellin out if I can I just I got to shave this beard and then get a haircut cuz I just realized today looking Lumiere and maybe this is something only you and I will understand I’m starting to look like Uncle Jesse from Dukes of Hazzard next time you’re around when I say tonight I thought I got you a good and also I can’t grow hair right here like I need a merkin for my sideburns it’s just
oh yeah and all different people have different problems mine but I can’t do is I think it’s Spencer can’t stand longer as time goes that’s where she’s going to call her and ask if he’s out like a cloud tendrils in with his crazy beard and long hair train without beard I said I don’t think she’ll game with your fat face underneath of them. Like I don’t know what’s under there I don’t know if I’m going to get a chocolate coin or I have a feeling I’m going to look like you know Jerry Mathers when they did the the return to the Leave It to Beaver
beaver fever who is that
anorexia body issues with men who are you who are overweight
yeah like I’m wearing this shirt I don’t know how you doing my mother did you ever buy husky pants I was still shopping with my mom and my Tio at that age
my mother would take me to get Huskies at Sears that’s what they call the fat pants I know they still have husky finally figured out somewhere between the n-word and retarded like they said that he was bad part of the problem at a funeral for the word husky
you’re not fat you’re a nice guy and I wouldn’t none of them would fit just like I’m going to take you to the actual quote
you know I think it was
I wanted to talk about with that nutty character it went one is like when you when you became famous your name was Bobcat Goldthwait like you came out and you would go
this is great. I’m trying to do a quick version of the story cuz I I do get asked that sometimes the host of your stories
I know so when I was 15 16 years old around that age of Tom Kenny who I don’t want to name-drop but he SpongeBob SquarePants that was six all right and so we grew up together Catholics go start doing comedy at a local open mic night a very funny comedian Barry crimmins comes in and he knows is that he’s Bearcat now and that we’re going to introduce him as Bearcat it as being sarcastic little pricks both go on that’s funny they call me Tom Cat and I like you’re afraid to shake your audience
route me to punch line is there buried in time and I’m glad cats that yeah I really gave it to him people mango go away and you were you were still Bobcat Goldthwait thought you were at least that night you were hadn’t asked you were you were talking normal you aren’t doing the character and you are like inspiringly jaded we’re not having any of what my hometown was giving you in terms of talk back and read the reception is really amazing Senegal things I think you were still calling yourself
if the one decade turned into another then when you meet that person again you and expect them to want to be called Bob or Robert or her or Octavius or something that you might not. Because you were called Bobcat the character was in The Wizard of Oz
they’re not here most of my close friends call me Bobcat but my family doesn’t like my daughter one purpose will be in a mall go bobcat and I’m now Rick you know if you will please dealer in Police Academy now you want to be taken seriously hey do miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, never misses that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and some
I’m tired of being so late to my own life so it’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like you’re always in good hands adventures in Blackstone in love with Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
this is a story that that trap told me that I think you must have told him it’s it’s kind of it’s it it sounds like a sad story but you are sad stories are really funny
like you taught me off if you either don’t want to tell this story or start telling it if you would you know to talk about Robin Williams was going to be in some commercial and and he said to the people shooting the commercial voice
but he said rabbits are only do it if and he said yeah I want bobcat in and then only do it if he and I said well I’m out of money they’re paying me I will fuck a Snickers bar
how do you call in the Snickers bar at I just I guess I thought going up my ass
caveat with the Mars corporation that I really owe you
that doesn’t mean
Lakers
adjusting other ways that is satisfying
Amanda and the others got
I had a short meeting if you get involved in a scandal or if you do something at the fence about is that thing you know you gave you have to give the money back and I said well I can’t imagine that something like that ever happening
did you ever hear the LA legend about
who’s the guy that created all the game shows Griffin Merv Griffin do it when you hear the words Merv Griffin in candy bar do you get those anything you can come into your head that you ever heard of knocking I actually know who this someone is and it’s in an not going to say his name cuz I don’t want to I don’t want anyone calling him for confirmation and but he pointed at the distinct abilities like the circular building that’s like a house like a big circular house on a hill something is like kind of prominent in the LA scenery and he said he’s at the ER they say that Merv Griffin lives up there and he said that he eats candy bars that a little boys butts
I guess that’s a secret of her but she be remembered for the hours of enjoyment he supplied America on television Arena or the Nae Nae
and I realized if you really wanted to let you know there should be a triangle like maximize the corners you know it would be glad to have that because of her to let him because it’s it’s just interesting and Robert Downey jr. Did some coke last night like a no one know it’s present you know no one cares BBC urban legends because if you don’t address them people just accept them as truth like the Jew Richard Gere Richard Gere Joe and say I’ve never had a hamster in my do you really think I’m that bored with pussy
you guys are going to be after your ass before Richard Gere then I need like rock stars I think Tom Kenny had this theory that they’re like the Immortals to get bored with me but he said it when I was like yeah I was just like cuz you was at the height of his fucking dominance of everything and it’s like after a while I’m sure you know can you get bored at Brio in McGuire probably go like hey man you think it would ever think we’re the only two people we haven’t fought yet let’s go in the bathroom and then deadhead Center record the numbers game
I’m so bored of pussy
Rihanna going to Yosemite Sam start with a Direction
but never the rumor mill Clooney so yeah I mean he’s like like Cary Grant or whatever you 50 that tarot card that we reserved for one guy that’s like a higher than that perfect every time he’s in the news it’s like he kept a lemonade stand a hundred dollars we’re going to find out what are you doing back door under a carpet at his house right now it’s got to be some big down there something anything bad about cloning I want to believe there’s a little political right the conservative groups hate him but you know
the movie God Bless America there be a lot of conservative types that would be so angry at the movie and not seen it or they just needed it for father and I mean it’s it’s not reality you know I didn’t say you couldn’t make a movie where I don’t know who is the Bill O’Reilly type that got shot in the face in my work is like her brother is like make like the world’s first conservative comedy
do you like so liberal except when he made like a parody of Michael Moore Brothers bits but they’re the joke is that you know 9/11 going to happen again if we don’t stay on our walk guard
why do you think, he’s a liberal because we need to fuck here.
But the other thing is is like a huge you know it’s not like he’s not like crap lies about himself it’s like we got to take that clown down a couple notches its I mean it’s never going to work if you’re not not not coming from that side is just too much I mean you also happen to be politically right-leaning but just in general and I think this is weird thing like when Clint Eastwood went up and talked to the chair for me it wasn’t written for Progressive liberal types it was like you know he was making fun of people that people I didn’t see it as a guy who was not. I just saw all these jokes aren’t from me anyways audience he wasn’t bad when he wasn’t in
ain’t even killed there and yell and tell their but they were really mad that you didn’t go out there and just go make my day like
I’ll be back for me yeah I size that I reckon you’re right I don’t know
call a politics of body issues
back of me I saw I saw the first cut of my documentary documentary about harmontown my hands are like I was like the whole time and look at my big fat face with my stupid scraggly beard and my my bags under my eyes and my yeah I knew I was standing back there and then I don’t I guess we’re not. I will walk like a trained circus bear II
hi I make these weird aloof Expressions when I’m actually thinking and feeling a thank you sir and then and then Madame and nnn yet the look on my face looks like I want people to die and we weird tracking disorders facially and take off my shirt I know I look like Ron Jeremy or steal with but never wrestle Twinkies at 11 at 1 every time I’m defeated cuz I’m a writer and it’s in my hand and shots of angels of me with my hands in front of a tithing and I have these little Gerber baby hands
Willow lake lake lake Club doll hands and fingers I don’t know I always thought that from my perspective I think it’s cuz the finger disappear into the system as I’m looking at them I always pictured that from your perspective I would look like a like a like a cool wizard when I was typing looking at the keys with my little baby carrot fingers at other looks like I’m filled with vodka and I just spoke to one of the answer my fingers are just a baka sprinkler like a surgical Global you fill it was really funny like I’m diagnosed with prediabetes I’m not going to lose weight I see myself and I’m like you’re fat b c you got to take a couple El Pisa
I felt like I had something I’ve definitely am going to shave the beard and I’m going to take it easy on the drinking I mean in the sense that ate a giant shrub slenderize has a big fat monster behind it is visible I mean it’s it’s not I mean I make my wife feel nine will not allow me to grow a beard I don’t know why I don’t really I mean I are in Aaron likes the beard I think I finally found their limits and stuff but I mean like that I thought they liked the little baby face I don’t know why you wanted me to have facial hair
okay making lunches made percent of you to give me some of that water
that’s why she gets to me with oh yeah I don’t know what the Yeah but I think her fear that I would be a 50 year old guy trying to look like I was a hipster and that’s why I that’s why I think I’m going to I went to a friend’s 40th birthday yesterday and because there was one of those you no parties where you would you hire one bartender and he’s like a little tiny bar and there’s like 50 people there I was like I went to the liquor store and then I was like what what am I supposed to do with it cuz I’m just going to become a second bartender if I put it down people are going to come up in like start making screwdrivers with it and I’m going to be going crazy I can’t keep it in my pocket cuz it’s a v they didn’t have flats size so I really crossed the threshold is it I kept saying this is the second milestone in my bio pic with a where I
Barbara was walking around a party with a fifth of vodka and at the end of that part of it was empty and I got it was a milkshake or something kind of
play with my girlfriend so I went and had another drink somewhere else and I was like midnight and I I bought some Del Taco and I I probably could have killed 11 people and I
right I watched Inglourious Basterds or rather that were not was on when I woke up on the sofa and then apologize to my girlfriend cuz I was like lightheaded and a gallon of vodka and it didn’t really other people will pass out or puke before they die of alcohol poisoning I’m one of those people who really needs to actually I got to be to watch watch my shit a little bit worried about what people are thinking when you’re just taking a poll out of this bottle that party I think Dan might drink a lot I mean
that ship has sailed on an n and ocean of something that isn’t water
you would have looked adorable today
if you just want to feel like a light up one from Disneyland Loop East uncharacteristically sober for this show a little less nervous in the first time we did the show sober a week is former Drinkers and Evangelical and weird and are they are but remember I’m a member of an anonymous program
oh sorry no no no but I’ll tell you about it now but I mean yeah I stopped drinking and all that I’m kind of glad to at this point because it’s 30 years you know if I don’t think it’s an achievement so are you know I’m saying a lot of people who make it their personality and I’m covered but I did have a vacation from sobriety cuz of my bad back I was on the phone for a little bit and if I do that I really was afraid of this is going to start something earlier cuz I really couldn’t wait to get off of it but but I was really high on stage and at film festivals and I was going man this is almost like I didn’t worry about how he’s going to I’m going to jump right into weed like I’m not going to be a lot of his happy I mean it’s morphine I was on this shit that killed Lenny Bruce and I’m up on stage and I’m going to
Anythink what do you want to know what’s up
I have a baby oh my God you been sneaking car when you’re engaged that comes out what happened it’s like it’s it’s not like a. We had to pretend you had sex but I appreciate bill at it but someday are you tried it you had it through surgery yeah it’s really weird
it’s a little bit like ejaculating all day
that’s what it was like without the face I mean like with glasses on reading a library book and it did it says I’m a jaculated right now I don’t know if that’s the name I think it is just a general name for this beautiful beautiful little pill Hollywood gossip comes to me from that claims to have two stars as which makes it an urban legend and John Cusack really really have a lot of freeways together
I don’t know why I am
Angela’s
it was just a thought maybe you do want to actually I thought Tim and I don’t hang out anymore that’s what I hear I did and I bet double-teaming women probably like imported like test the mettle of your friendship and quicker as being burned at both ends with this good the grass like you spell dear properties of the fungus on it and that it was okay to eat a stranger’s meet at a show that I did write it in paper bags at
mom is like the urban legend I heard is that they’re constantly like like they big they have sex together not not with no other but that they they think that if you’re having sex with one of them it’s like it’s like they’re the other guys there like that done is actually entered like Howard Hughes kind of thing you know he’s a little like you know he’s making airplanes
daily seaweed wraps and kind of germs right now and in people and he kind of jettison a lot of friends like I did a movie with him a million years ago called One Crazy Summer as you did and he was very yet we were paly and everything but but you know we recently talking about doing a follow-up like 190 Autumn too too too too too mildly saying whatever
how about dinner man kills himself
do you have a different title and then Savage Steve Holland was so upset when they call it went crazy and I’m ready as I get Warner Brothers was releasing Woody Allen movie if he won neurotic Jew so we had a penny more was in that was Curtis Armstrong in the car that is a k a booger going to recognize anybody except the guy
we’re talking about the item which would have been running like a Pixar like his dream did come true cuz the end of that he went out and became an animator gray and in this movie we all band together to come in and try to get his sense of humor back for the release of the movie based on different kind of Hardware in a drawer or whatever the ABC family stuff you know it was better up that is a better movie Than One Crazy Summer but they’re both really funny and he definitely had his own view but he was a very very unique
why not what it looked like better off dead was like the Easy Rider of my like like like like it when I was like 10 or something I don’t know how old I was but it was like Felicia at this movie is so fucking different that’s so like it didn’t break the fourth wall but it did something equally cut like like like it was just it had this like Mystikal realism to it I was at like a paper boy that wants a $2 and he’s everywhere I’m like it was somewhere between Zucker Brothers end end end at all the corny ass like like like a brat pack movies like lake lake lake did are just getting laughed at the fact that you get a boner like it was like it had this wild like like whatever when it was raining. Steven shumer but it also had the characters that were based in reality and by the end of the movie you actually cared about which is weird because that’ll be really funny jokes but eventually I’m like I don’t care about anything and when I get done I don’t have any idea what these filmmakers I think
about and clearly I noticed that conservative people do very silly comedy because they can’t really expose how they really see themselves or the world fight is something that Republican Coronavirus
I haven’t been all but one of the real talk with him and then and I said that was the worst meeting I’ve ever had why did you send it up here. Good luck with a good luck with the scary movie like the way that like silly comedy started a silly comedy which was never hired in the first place but how fucking low at got like I had just now.
Sanic recognize this we can just literally like a guy walking screen and it’ll just say I see dead people like
it was already fucking with us with the suckers would go like Hayes turn into jelly back there and they cut to the guys made a fucking jelly and then they cut back in the guy with didn’t you know be normal again but it was like they were still doing gags and there was still stringing me along with the narrative for the people to come in and look like
I’m going to see what else we got here I wrote down but my serotonin is probably depleting or something or like so that they could the. My unconscious mind is able to connect you’re getting closer together like you’re out of your other Bank of a river but the river has upside down buildings instead of clouds and there’s a crocodile that goes hey let me see a picture of Brooke Shields and talking and you go into the picture and they got there but the pictures at your grandma’s house to be like in the dream but I heard there was a character who wasn’t a crocodile and I wasn’t a normal place and the character the green pickup
clearly stalling for time
I never opened his wallet because my
corner
dollars
and credit cards in his license you’re all out Dan you’re all out
do you want to go get a sandwich at this place is one of those cash only with in color or if you doing I don’t know I’ve heard that conversation happened before but I would you would notice if it was black and white right and be conscious of it being black.
I think it’s more sepia one way or the other I just remember the experiences and since my experiences are in color insensitive things that I dream you are kind of the same as the things that happen except with crocodiles and stuff but like like I assume it’s in color and they were definitely you know they popped more there more HD been dreaming like one of those dreams is like so grounded and but it has hit its skewing bad it’s not like I found $50 and then you wake up and you steep, you got that $50 smile that’s fully paid $150 I think I lost a YouTube video contest or sorry I was at everyone saw my dick or something
everyone knows my dick looks like now and I’ll just I’ll just I’m just going to take it a day at a time
an imaginative dream that’s not easy to get me that super easy to figure out like you know you’re just like standing with someone you crushing on watching the train I guess I want to fuck her
too bad you didn’t mean about eating popsicles being Richard
we’re in a big wheel and it just kept me sober for a week and I keep dreaming Willow Creek your movie I want to see you should get something out of this screening of this movie Willow Creek it’s like this Bigfoot kind of horror movie to give me a really interesting experiment is that you there’s narrative elements that you shot like a regular movie but because it’s a Bigfoot like like kind of Mythology movie start of the Bigfoot MIT you have interviews as if they’re part of the narrative is if you do if you wanted your interviews are actually real Bigfoot people who didn’t know they were characters that you’re moving I didn’t do that out of being like mean I don’t know I just thought if I explained it to him it would have been
you know it was certainly would have been very hammy it would have been over thinking so they didn’t need to know that the actors that they were talking to really weren’t Jim and Kelly from San Francisco but but I did I was heavily into the Sasquatch Community I was fortunate to have the famous Bigfoot you’re going to let your in a little about to explain it sorry I was doing was turning around and looking behind herself by the way I do love the Bigfoot guys at found that like they’re showing a Bigfoot in The Goonies
read my text messages from their girlfriends like what are you guys doing you’re watching this
Patty that’s why they call it that was which is 11 hours from here and then we go to the town where you drive another forty miles on US 17 miles down a dirt road takes two and a half hours to get there and the bottom then we hike there’s no one around nothing around in and one of them is this Ranger Robert who is the Sasquatch expert out of this best way to scribe 3 a.m. mountain lions were in the middle of nowhere this guy is my life like if anything ever happened to us this is how I’m going to live and he says so you know I’m a writer too and I go really high right now
it’s you know Twilight Twilight I write like Twilight but set in the Bigfoot Community I write books for tweens said in the Sasquatch world
that’s good
hi my book yeti.or.not
did the coming of age tab
I like some of your phone bulshit on this just look it up you can buy it if it exists as published yes oh so you know you said something really funny about about how you explained it where you eat so we talkin about coupons subgroups through it and it’s Dee said it’s like people who love ren-faire and then Al queda Bigfoot believe it’s the last night to say maybe I mean he’s not health benefits
alright alright alright it snowed in Willow Creek documentary baby hands Purge Return of the archons that Purge movie looks like it’s ripping off the Star Trek original series episode where they are going to look it up and cry from the rooftops so it is it is just that you have X amount of time to go get Alex for Steelers production company read our gets its name from it’s a reference to there like Festival I think I’m getting this right I’m a definitely don’t want to make a note 4 in 1 hour I think I say I think I think they Purge for an hour like like everything’s nothing is illegal and you can do anything anyways I’ll just kind of surprised and so because they do this there are able to be collective in harmonic like for the rest of
how much do I love it like that
Amish Rumspringa Running Springs
does the word worse than a bachelorette party I’m telling you this is one guy with a man hit it right down front it won’t make you a feminist that will not play as a stand-up you will not your Allen all that stuff will not come out on stage during a bachelorette party and not being thrown by feminists you know it’s not like it was tigers, do you say something like please be quiet I hate you right now
and it’s so fucking vindictively angry like like I like during the show after the show I remember that cuz I would I would referee for this thing about Comedy Sports are you staying up there you’d like like they was a bad like posting an improv show that you’re getting the suggestions on stuff and I might like though fucking worst bachelorette party and the crowd hated these women so much and I finally just I kind of went there like she do kick him out shut them up Alycia and then I truly I really don’t want I like Siri but I really it just right and I come out of it cuz the crowds cheering why is my poodle Parts in blood on Coral it’s like a scene from that hot new franchise Yeti or not
we’re we’re Blake and I really don’t make stew in the Himalayas and it’s like did I did I do it all the way with Veronica would make that angry
do you think the crowd were weird I guess that’s just all called you but like people go nuts they really love that ye people of other people getting beat up by a barge never empty because I go head quick two guys are getting along in the parking lot I think they’re totally abusing women to shame them and then I come out of cheering and then I go back in and then tears
the bachelor party have hats with vaginas on it you know I mean that would just be creepy you would have got a table full of dudes with vaginas Hammerhead even better call the cops we have bodies in a trunk
I’m getting married. I don’t know what you make out of them they wouldn’t know what it was like how do you make a vagina and a hat form for a guy I have a feeling I didn’t actually see Kanye perform I think he was like some body double Downton Abbey
God shopping we went to the doctor we got our dog coming in six days so Aaron and I went to the Petco today and they have these horrible fucking panhandler people that work for all the different dog food companies just roaming the store whatever you went and bought a new email done it when I mean it’s a lady that outside San Diego to buy whatever up there a protest in the more guilty or else and she’s not as my female is it in defense of actually I think it is Petco you know they do have adoption days and thinks they’re they’re not so bad out of guilt like 20 bucks to rescuing dogs just threw the purchasing of all of my shed for my my gross super dog that I got into the world instead of taking a nice Chinese joggers parents got shot
show me how to wash my cats are rescues but one who actually is from Petco and she’s face is breaking bad in the Spectrum she like doesn’t like to get Pat but you can squeeze her she’s pretty fat she wanted if they’re velcro and they’re like it or not they’re not going to ask for the exterior that make you pay for a detective and
am I forgetting who the Widow Madeline Fuhrman

yeah I know I know are errands reminding with the Downton Abbey thing is okay fine I was drunk in New York and Aaron had watch Downton Abbey on a laptop next to me in bed I woke up because she ordered a bagel from let’s not get distracted by my pronunciation
she ordered the bagels from from from room service and went and they smelled I can smell the Sesame I woke up and I guess I was annoying me so I kept going like oh good I don’t know drunk I just said it was weird for the first time in a year and a half in two year relationship whatever it is who knows who knows what color eyes are
what do you how can you what do you what do you think I’m doing you think I let you put your earbuds because he’s being fucking weird and then
I am not look at me I love you I’m not doing that lately I don’t understand this is not a bit if you think that there’s something wrong with me because you think that I am speaking British talk without moving my lips at all would be a huge feet and you should give me a metal have you ever gone down so far that you can just don’t want to bust that it’s a joke because I was like oh fuck her that it’ll be the longest joke if not the funniest 911 if you really want
call the hospital
haven’t you arrested and thrown in the hospital I was moving so I cancelled the service on TV but I said I’m moving in 2 weeks will you cut it off and I had to explain that I didn’t want that service anymore drop their service and I said well I’m doing an experiment I’m not watching television for a year which worked really well so that we both sit down to watch a program that we’re all excited about and the TV goes out two weeks premature I don’t know if his aggressive or what, they say in my wife’s explaining to look by he’s not moving he’s moving in in in 2 weeks at can you turn it off and can shoot the guy I need to talk to the the the homeowner that was out of the apartment guy or what about
Idol by picture
she hands me the phone and I got them I don’t know this woman
turn off my TV to me all the time if you don’t my wife the anger at that moment
if you was on hold for like 35 minutes I kept getting switch to different departments and she was all ready to kill and then I go I don’t know
music don’t turn my TV back on
and I said before you say everything I need to remember this face because this is the face I’m going to see before I die
but yeah sometimes you go down the hole in the
is Mary Poppins flip people out because I am a gun owner and people go well you know that you’re not going to stop a burglary and I’m not I don’t have any delusions that I’m going to bed but the likelihood of someone in your family killing you is very great which is a true sadistic and I go look one way or another I know that’s the last place I’m going to see better better better be an instrument designed to take me out fast at the knitting needle
hey hey man it but I have never had more like I understand I’m so mean in fights and she gets so like which toasted like equally stubborn we just can’t fight that no one else would get into because they just like all it is is just like she’ll say she’ll imply that I did something wrong like like like a reply that I hurt her feelings are white and instead of just going like sorry about that whatever like lately I think it would just be a person lazy enough to just not want if I can get my iPhone no I didn’t already talked about shut up then Wednesday I go out with a dip shit, he’s a fucking baby I’ll never get this 48 minutes of my life back if I go down this road
distance to wear off when I try but I can’t live without her so I know I’m going to you know I’m not supposed to say I’m going to marry somebody until you whatever but you know she’s at she’s the one for me but I think that means I’m going to die by murder that was the sweetest about homicide
I’m actually touched it and you’re trying to blame but I thought it was possible for my dad or just an episode of snapped waiting to happen I don’t know if your on oxygen snap is a show it’s only about a woman kills I love that you clean storytelling play me something goes wrong Mitch gets a knife they met in high school they were the perfect couple I got all this is going to be good snaps
maybe I should just added that together he was really hard and he was out a flight and he looked over and he saw a guy who would edited all the action scenes out of big big movies together and he was just watching that it was just it was just CGI porn you know I was just watching action porn like you’ve cut the story out and just got right to the car chase if people say he did hear about it I sent you and he’s this guy that I always like really look up to an end in m you know what time is not worth it I got it I got a teacup but a big boat has a lot of holes
play why it’s not worth it is it is it he’s always been the guy whose last name makes me thirsty pictures and I needed big box office and I thought well here’s a guy who found them but at the same time you know he details the chair movie or he doesn’t you know he’s a fascinating guy started doing sex lies and videotape he’s made a million movie some they’re huge can’t justify the carbon printmaking movies
I’m like you should go make a movie with me cuz there is a drug that you will leave only Footprints as long as the four guys that it took to film this movie recycle ahead
ojitos Soderbergh of a Terran Aaron is now it says he’s a cheat sheet cop trolls from from through text messages he’s just kind of hung out with Matt Damon your kind of like like I think he was frustrated that he couldn’t get that movie you know it I guess he saw it as I could be way off and get it made in 3D and I was as big as I want I want to hear I saw the writing on the wall with Liberace I didn’t see that he’s going to be around too much longer
so we’re making a police academy and I was in Canada and I suggest the food producing these bad guys at the end of the movie what if we establish them at the very early scenes cuz there’s a scene right now to beginning with these guys breaking the law. What if they are the same guys you know I was suggesting a story and I got raided better than business for 35 years. So I went to the airport flew to New York City and bought Liberace tickets
in the middle of the production give me my call for the next morning and they’re freaking out what is he doing
he said he is going to see Liberace I did and I went amazing show and I bought tons of Liberace like he had everything you would want like soap on the Rope we seriously not even winking eye kitty litter and I and I and I just came back I was 40 minutes late to call I just handed out all these Liberace give to the crew that have been waiting around all right let’s go to the meeting and we have to move on to your favorite part of the Dungeons & Dragons portion
yeah it does look what time it is Jeff Davis would love that how many times he sees 911 on a night of the wolf and want to watch an inordinate feel like he’s going to stop it from happening again did he say that common all the time how are you great how are you tonight at like like like like like like right on the Nugget like we were we were concerned not about you yeah
I did not and then stammered and it said about you too you guys need to talk about
nothing going on and let’s just get it out and spend I mean okay you were talking about like fat long haired beard guy the car that look wasn’t for you like earlier on the show what’s that all about what what’s wrong
I am 20 12 2008 I’m so 2,000 and late
you don’t have like gray hairs coming out of your nose if you can you can you can pull off the mountain man looking at being active mountain man I look like a troll in the mountain that that that that that your people would sacrifice a virgin to just to keep it raining on time
that was exactly what I was fishing for
why are we being right after right I’m right but that person is just being an idiot right now and that’s human you think I should have let you know I’m talking about you guys like to talk
which makes it so interesting but I’ve got a little acid going down my throat right now it looks like he could pop you mean right now no not at all I never thought them threatening even though he is a lots of things that you can kick your ass
send a text message to bring out our campaign Coco players Kumail nanjiani and Erin mcgathy
hello Milan when did you guys are probably waiting to come out
I always Target a tag like like like like like 9ish to start playing D&D but but what shape this thing up you know I’m going to make this commercial
they make hundreds of dollars
hundred movies but you know what thank you
have they had Anaheim Anthony mirones show called Shake it and it good cuz Aaron was noticing to do it here is coming out of my nostrils on the way over here and realize there was coming out at the end end and then you said something like like like I can’t take it or something I was like a man but she really can’t take it I don’t know how much is 12 years younger than me
look I have friends were 27 28 who knows Clippers are you sure I’ve got one of those and he you know did that thing where you put it up there and you do all that and he said that that’s like it make the real sharp in your nose and then also he’s convinced that it just I don’t know if this is a myth or I’ll talk to you in a little bit I’ll talk to you in a little bit that look exactly like the snake whose Venom of a pure did you just have a stroke
there are bullshit on that that’s just too weird there are just pulled that out of your ass like they look like a leaf has like little things coming off of it and that’s in the pattern on the leaf Lake makes it look like the snake that that the Leafs juice cures the Venom of it the prepositional nightmare
that’s actually what the paper that was written on it said there’s going to be a lot of fucking prepositions in this
do people not use it to get over a snake bite
play that would actually
I remember I found people used to use the plan to kill routing me you killed my entire family
but you’re selfish mean
maybe we’re just here on this planet. How genes are stimulated and talk to each other and like like like what happens at if possible if you just think of one hair call you are saying your nose hairs out of spite are growing longer
mothers tell their daughters when they’re like really want to shave their legs do women have this difficulty is that if you talk to her on your nose in the mouth more dust is going in then there’s some signal Echo too much just grow more hair I’m going to end this argument right now
how do I save my head I should look like Dan do at night like a month ago I found a gray pubic hair and I literally
where is your body everybody
my friends are all very really bummed me out to tigers are really trying to fuck me to Jeremy Piven and Richard Gere only fuck old woman’s with candy bars of trying to provoke
and this woman she is my brother just died and she says I heard your brother died I go yeah she says I have cancer do you want me to say hi to him
by the way she was flirting is really thin
I know if you like that or she definitely my kids are about to bury Bates so I’m more chances in person at the end I said
come over today my brother is crazy biker guy who I don’t think she would fine you know he used to hunt from his house it’s going to get to it’ll take too long to explain as we should just open and astris there and come back are you talking about the ironically but reciprocally nicknamed kitten golf with my older brother Blake when he died he’s the he live in central New York City the game poacher I like the game when you come in the house and in bust open the lock on his freezer do you think it’s a joker or not going to have your brother ever watch Captain Planet
no because my brother family the time these kids and I was worried that even he didn’t this house didn’t need a new windows and installation and insulation so I gave him some money for and then I drove out to make sure he’s planning on it and any did lo and behold have new windows in the house he lives with their is in the middle of nowhere and I went up and then the bathroom I saw that one of the windows were broke and I will first first there’s corn in the front yard and then the backyard and just know Rose is just growing up like psycho corn and in my my friend Tony goes out he’s with Migos what’s the deal about the corn he goes all through the deer and Tonio do you help them through the winter and you know I’m going to blast him for so have a good title for it.
Pancho Brothers go to the bathroom so it’s brand new and a coil
so my brother was shooting deer on the toilet
and it’s not a make up stories like one hand
I use like my phone on the toilet and now he would shoot a rifle at him for taking a shit I need more traffic I just got to find my brother
want to go to meet me in the kitchen my brother so we’re leaving if you want it it might take my friend Tony goes and then we’re driving down the driveway and like I said boom Antonis like a finger that woodchuck I go yeah yeah that would chuck if a woodchuck would have had a long life but not pointing them out to my brother and when he died the priest said the few minutes like Tommy love the outdoors and he loved animals and then I went on after the priest in church or just weird and I got my brother to kill a deer out in the woods doing it
wow all right all right I think I came from normal stock and 3 kids they never had dinner but he would always bring over bikers and in my mother would be like you can’t wear that Harley’s The Best Fuck The Rest t-shirt in my house so they would wear your shirt inside out and be like this is lowlife you met little shit as big shit is a fever if he’s a big olives are there are they brother I didn’t know how to find these guys and I don’t know who Beaver really is what’s his name and it was Justin Bieber
and one just Jason shit
a family of all deer that have been dropped
when we last met seeing that I’m Jeff please give me that character I don’t know what where did Jeff leave off
Google has been so you can recap I’m about to
time on harmontown hard party had been defeated by a squad of Blade arm Shadows unconsciousness Viagra Shadow we smoke and lacerated by many bladed limbs the game was unconsciously dragged off into the darkness beyond the oven gate or getting it woke hurting and exhausted though in the middle of a massive circular re-grout the Shadows were in attendance watching the center of the Ring Our Heroes quickly discovered they were chained together and anchored to a ball and also guarded by a group of Shadow meant their situation seemed hopeless they stared intently at a large rep you like man who is forced to fight his own shadow I’m trying to burst their chain of the group could only struggling faint as they watch this Shadow take Brittany to limb from limb the shadow triumphantly there’s so many Shadows Jesus Christ
triumphantly took to the stands in the shadow men guarding our heroes drag them towards the center ring they were met by familiar faces their own Shadows
combat is now fighting is happening battle is as much as possible even when there’s some weird public domain
you can’t use steer in your dungeon master recap still comes in a bunch of a two-time gold microphone at the bar who brings his own like you stick
standard to just leave it on
all right so we’re all facing Shadow versions of ourselves by Denis Leary were piloted by Denise and you fired on an arrow and he hit one of one of the one of the Shadows with your arrows and then they fired arrows and then I was fighting time what time is it I don’t know I wasn’t trying to be like Realm where it’s always gray and black it it would be more like night time but at the same time those kind of like a
nauseous dark it’s fighting time but if it’s dark how can we see Shadows that scare you
are a gnome and you have low light vision which lets ya see a little bit better than your average person so you can kind of see these the in that’s why I saw on my shoulder is really a short shoulders like 3 feet tall by the way
yeah yeah cuz a lot of these people have never been exposed to me and I don’t want you
way closer and look normal size like Gandalf
selective joke
and sorry to ask this again but as you know I’m sometimes drunken we’re playing I I got my I got what we got our spells kind of reset a little bit yeah you guys regained all your health in your Spell’s came back um I don’t know if it was your change dissolving or them dark sun shining but one of the two did it only said one of those two and I I current status is she fighting her own damn so I guess the shadow Coco’s good or she suddenly like
so what are we can do to get initiative or what it will who’s who’s going on at first I’d like to just go in towards me order so I’m going to go to go to you next I got this level 3 spell called suggestion and I’d like the kind of spell I could use to make me turn these guys against each other suggestions spell would it would make him kind of regard you better or like taking taken action maybe but it won’t let him turn on his friends are like do something but charm person would do that maybe right maybe but these aren’t people they’re monsters, that’s true
until he really great
okay so yeah and you see it’s still your turn I don’t think you cast anything right then speaking of your mama I would like to cast summon monster 300 your mom’s in level 3 months.
What monster did you want to summon there
how about that how about that classic or something start with Keith
full okay so you sent your castic some 123 you can actually cast to scorpion since there is no no level up from there from there with the foes they attack Chris de Burgh as well as
forward I will as well as Shadow Sharpie
keep makes his Mark but David is not so lucky
cheap deals for damage to Shadow Chris de Burgh Flame
at the same time Shadow Quark leaps across the battlefield and launches himself directly at no I’m sorry racist okay
really
I mean we all are a little bit but your mom more than that a little bit more than that
it’s like I’m not racist against Mexicans I just don’t like that they all tagged our city
that’s more than a little rapist than average my bracelet might be off
I’ve never met any not attacking Mexicans
you think she would come across some at some point I don’t know I don’t know
I’m very racist enough she loves Banksy sat with her because you probably said well that’s not us that’s not a logical statements and then you guys got that classic generational little little little tennis and racism is like you know being conscious of Red Willow bracing a kind of denigrating fashion by the textbook definition of racism is like actually finding people of less value according to my family it’s fine if you’re like yeah all Armenians are trying to get your money because that’s not necessarily a terrible thing it’s just like a generalization today because it’s just like a racial thing I have your have you hang out with your family my mom’s birthday was not too long ago whatever some sort of
Mother’s Day. I really want a harvest of the uterus
I love when people say really racist. What have I was looking for this place and the guy who’s like run the landlord guy was like all kinds of people live here I’m not racist except I don’t run into any Koreans cuz you know everyone hates careers and you were like
who are you hanging out with
no idea who the Mediterranean people at a glance I really wanted to play so I jumped it yeah those Mediterranean generally swore they’d people I think your mom is when she’s trying to put in that box with your mom I would recommend it I got a right to talk about your uterus I got my first my first two bedroom apartment I got in and in Los Feliz the the neighbor came over in it there was a sign in them in the driveway like a construction site and they said you have to move that every time you pull into park and then move it back after after you pull your car and I put it there cuz you know the ethnics they pull into the driveway and
and they honk to each other and its
I have a racist thing in your head but but like keep you pick something up and moved it because it because he had to come to find something that was true that when he said it out loud like we made as much sense as a Doctor Seuss pull in and honk
black people of huge knees and they left carrots they wanted terrorists. He was walking out outside of a walk out of the convenience store and this group of like three guys for like shape has you like a fucking they would like you to pay you fucking but yellow stuff out of it and then one day I walked up and was like super racist what is the equivalent because it just be like all these knuckle head jocks like we don’t put it on me and had locked bro I can’t believe it it sounds like a weird thing to complain about 25 years but it it’s a real thing in my life so I was in a bar and I’m walking and I see the dudes
they’re coming right and there is a guy that happened I can smell I know I know them now so well and they’re heading towards me
oh my God
I should have done Dancing with the Stars it really doesn’t matter
I think it’s your turn right if I was still going yeah directly at Sharpie Shadow Sharpies arms are wreathed in electrical crackling energy not know now want to see maybe I can learn some moves from this guy
you got to get songwriting tips from my guy to have like a lot of hair in their ears too and I was always like make fun of them and it’s fucking happening you guys
go to Math teachers in size of a math teacher things
stereotype guys with Mediterranean Math teachers
how they love to honk does dirty hunting Mediterranean man in YouTube
cocoa butter cocoa butter
so hot down here so he attacked and he misses he flies directly and lands belly first in the dirt I holding it at court CERN who’s played by you so I want to cast a spell a spell I think it’s a
and it’s the dancing lights yeah Dancing Lights conjures several Dancing Lights
I knew that I’m in so if you do that you know you’ll be able to control him and make him kind of move around and dance

Pakistan has to Disappear With the Lights I like that that’s all right that’s not a bad thing I’d recommend going to be distracted Dancing Queen your lights are rather Supernatural they don’t even seem to be lighting up much at all
that’s if the shadow plane dampens lights
sorry y’all
at the same time Shadow Quark launches himself at real-time Chris de Burgh spleen is blade wickedly
wow Drake and Chris de Burgh squarely in his jaw dealing with the guy didn’t say John at that says John and did you really okay
why you sold the shit out of that
held up his best when he said that
is your face and your ass
all right so that happens putting it at Chris de Burgh staring all right well I don’t really have a poisoned dagger true I tie a rope to it see him as soon as I can throw a dagger right you can throw a dagger so I tied to a rope
which one’s the closest to me which was the biggest Target right now all right I share a shopping with a am I close enough to stab you could ya
I still tie the rope just cuz I like that
alright you stab Shadow Sharpie in the gut with your dagger the poison Stokes into his potty and he takes 6 damage he doesn’t seem to be affected by the boys on the voice is weird it happens
is that so you can pull your dagger back so I could you do it and pull it back. Do you know Mortal Kombat get over here I’m trying to do that
shado Chris de Burgh hides among the Shadows
I don’t have a boomerang Boomerang I’ll come back anyway
yeah but you tie a knife to a boomerang that will fuck a bitch up
an eye for an eye for an eye we got a patent
putting it in Moraine starring what is Shadow Coco’s relationship with Shadow moellering interesting
jealous of Shadow Mall Rave
Coco Coco
will you approach mauryan and try to get to Chateau mo’reen and get her to to mount you
China GoGo doesn’t talk no I’m not writing her. She’s already doing it you could call it out to her why I’m able to control my birth
a soliloquy
do that thing with your back that makes this one to mount you
are we near any cliff
no no you’re in the middle of a giant Arena type thing. How about you know how we always talk about physics when we’re riding you’re going to run as fast as you can just short of the wall and then shadow shadow and Surly die 100%
do you have that guy Spencer
that’s just a coin flip for that anyway yeah so she hears your plan presumably and is trotting off you know and then the kind of looks at Shadow Moraine
I mean horses can only communicate very well especially when they
probably have like a countenance is like just dull black and if that’s true
you can send the cigarette quote
all right well as you know Shadow Coco approaches mo’reen kind of gets jumping Shadow Moran inspires off three arrows
things happened you guys
dealing 20 damage
Shadow Coco
light
that’s what I was trying to
tried that everyone tries but the lights and it’s just the light doesn’t work here it’s not I mean Jesus Christ it’s not Shadow coconut stubble is a Binger
like being patronized me make it better or worse
I work for me you would have me right around my finger out of you all right
she called me baby baby finger baby cuz my fingers when I touch her she thinks is a baby for letting me buy a baby and a beard a baby with a beard my hands are like Hugh Laurie’s hands saying that goes I know it as well as the back of my head banging at the reason I love you don’t care what you what you look like ever but like
there’s going to be a waterfall I’ve had to think that that’s where he gets his power to bring it all together I want some baby with nose hair is really not a little person to you much of it of the Mediterranean
what are babies ever sit a little persons hand and their fingers are like cocktail wieners really stubby yeah they’re soft by Kelly wieners
I thought of that when I meant Billy but I already went okay enough for the name dropping
I’ll text him too far
play to go Bean is Pro-Am golf tournament and I wrote a letter bags
are we golfing miniature golfing or regular Golf and I never heard back from him but what’s funny is he got that response from every single person was a little person and nobody gave us a heads up so I looked out and there
it looks like Little Ricky’s riding a Subway
it’s like holding the hood, and really low
a shopping cart as a little chair that if they burned down I’ll fly you out and then buy a buy you drinks for the last 5 minutes of the field you don’t have that kind of money to either people are you saying cuz you can put 2 minutes
I feel bad I just got to be one little people Little People isn’t politically correct cuz I feel so demeaning I honestly my brother
he’s not but what if he was dedicated to you guys playing dwarfs and that your goblins and and little people so I think you’re you’re down with the little people
nice play on words by the way people and and little people who are with it down with little sorry I’m not against them
I love those little faces that I want to squeeze them
I love the little head I want that a higher one to play a pig when I was shooting this thing called
hey Greg I have five of them.
we can keep going neighborhood in San Diego or if the other guys out all over but I bring a speeder guys off
feel the light
custom made for a small iron Star Bellied Sneetches not mixing with the other Star Bellied Sneetches
all around it
set a two and a half foot wall
money little they’re doing with the Irish in only Italians did
we really hope this a hundred percent
this conversation short and move on
can I just say that they were fine with all of the bad negative things were saying about little people but it was up on that and I will move on a form of racism
call Lynn heard my brain through the hardest jokes to write but they’re the most loathed yeah I find them hard I mean I don’t know why they’re low humor cuz they’re like to do right
all right I’m going to take it from hitting my shadow self Playbook a stun gun diecast metal laying there he’s still laying and I hit him with the shocking grasp all right you find it much easier to hit lying on the ground
College
electricity surges through your arm and flows into the lying on the ground Wizard and 20 damage
put sharpie leaps to his feet and taking a step back waves is our waves is just the one arm I guess ya casting a fireball spell in flies into the middle of your group and his friend and foe alike this is Shannon Sharpe
a good move Fireball everybody but Shadow Christopher gets hit for damage yeah now you got hit to hurt me good
okay real work takes 20 damage real Sharpie takes 14 damage I got to write this down 2014 send you that’s not helping you. We can all say that for a real mo’reen takes 13 damage and real real quick. No real Chris de Burgh take some damage as well that’s not bad 22 damage
can we just bring up earlier fights we’ve had with them make them feel bad
yes that can happen courts turn all right so I’m going to text shadow
cuz I can move really fast I’m going to hit him with my nutsack
you weren’t is proficient with your nut sack is you are a sword okay I mean you could do either can I hit him with my six knives okay that’s not my ham with doesn’t really say nutsack its uses it to it to bribe squirrels that a summit
what really is a stackable nuts okay
do you have to wait till their dad if I can get my ass kicked by shadows and I understand you, your friend
I’m your friend I care then I’m assuming you’re attacking with a knife I’m getting super Stampy up here getting super stabbing deed although just a bit stabby rather you stab Shadow court with your knife dealing for damage I’m sorry 6 damage I did math wrong
it happened how much how many how much damage do I have to do to kill these guys you know a couple more some damage am I wearing the cloak of resistance this entire time you are indeed it gives you a plus one to all saves Shadow Quark not using his knife instead of opting for his flaming sword attacks real war, striking is blank is blank
dealing 8 damage all right well I take I have a bowl out that’s does the Nine-Tails kind of think it’s like it’s two weights tied together by a cord hook people up knock people down I think you forgot my scorpions a couple but I’ll get up again
middle school I went to go buy the CD cover of it was so scary to me this is like a weird baby and I was I was about to Dance Again by the devil TV and left it at that everything.
Yeah cuz it’s not
I saw a band of like a hard cuz they were they were like they were not the kind of man that you’d expect like that was like the weird random guy did they are very political were they really that was what hit you know it’s like being a big who fan and then Squeezebox get played on the radio and you have to explain to your friends I don’t suck
what is the Scorpions do they’re going to go after you and get one of them on the ground and Sharpie could electrocute him right away what you think of that plan can I use shopping summons to his Babysitter Is Calling a guy or what a weird what happened to you you owe me $600 because I was 13 when I got the job and now I’m experimenting with acid
I’m saying with shows going long at the other end of that call Crestwood Tumblr Community to unpack that with pictures and I get one of them down let’s do one that has good help Goodhill more rain or you can’t see your doppelganger so probably more rain or Sharpie fuck that’s what does Fireball thing you did
yeah you had a bouquet I made it strikes his his legs in it wraps around his legs and with a start he falls over kind of like a felled tree striking the ground with great Vigor and a plum and pull up on Encore Shadow Quark rather break his surface
sounded a lot more feasible in my headspace
for the purest I already rolled the attacks earlier I’m not just bullshiting this dealing 2 and 5 damage to Quark oh man I got confusing I need to get a diagram of the band so monsters aren’t that great yeah but it happens do you want another Turner should we cut it soon or do you know dear
murdered some deer don’t go in there for 20 minutes
I got to go so bad right now I’m falling
I’m not going to look at you guys in this is
may I may I summon great in power
Marvel’s the monkey
you should have said no
who are who are you who are the monkey
yeah who are you attacking at Marvel’s is going to attack all the shadows and can I give him some tools Tom Skaggs A man that’s not cool The Monkees just just the one target who has the most I don’t know I just said I did something and I feel like
REI send myrtles towards who’s the one down on the ground is almost dead is on the ropes all right well I guess I could do that cuz I really believe in Marvel’s I think that he could do a lot of damage with someone who had a lot to lose
Jethro’s restaurant one who’s the strongest right now. Mr. Baldwin is not you
that happens yeah bubbles leap the top shadow
Texans my head I don’t know what man now I’m done talking. Goodnight everybody no more rain dealing for damage just before it has no tools to fight with you could kill a monkey hands or he’s got a great spirit and a great backstory. Here he’s going to rip some hair out he’s not looking to apply technology a situation
so we don’t have the other t-shirt is a t-shirt that says that the nearest from now that I could ever have
like I have a connection to him also I have my name
but I have a connection with it when I get home
great day work everyone I have handled animal and and knowledge of nature will not even even for damn you might not even know how to use a wrench or whatever yeah I think your dad could possibly like use the stick to gather the termite damage was all right
not a good conversation starter
turn light brighter
spider monkey
don’t ruin your dishes and they look like they’re having a great time
I can I disconnect that all right well we should do I don’t want to play Dungeons & Dragons anymore play when you sat down you did look a little grumpy
remind since given up trying to find some endings to the show that wasn’t at the end of CC dragons is good enough I do want to have a special thanks for Guess comptroller Bobcat Goldthwait
and thanks to all the people that we usually think if you want the full list of credit listen to another episode of the podcast with Jeff usually has the whole thank you for the claim Mars candy Corporation and Zack in the booth Dustin is usually here but who’s who’s been replaced with the zoom recorder this week which you know that we just did the show turned out fine he’s in the crosshairs there’s there’s there’s there’s there’s there’s other people running around doing all kinds of important things thank you to melt down for letting us be here every weekend. Thank you for your patience will see it next Sunday night God bless you
do you think we are thank you Spencer

If you have found a spelling error, please, notify us by selecting that text and pressing Ctrl+Enter.

Published

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.