Episode: 89 – Live At Cobb’s in San Francisco with Joel Hodgson

Episode

Episode: 89 – Live At Cobb’s in San Francisco with Joel Hodgson

Description

Harmontown does the 13th annual San Francisco Sketchfest, gets a drop in from Mystery Science Theater 3000’s Joel Hodgson and later on, the show goes straight Maury Povich.

Transcript

San Francisco California
I’m in town is now in session
if you please don’t let me down
thank you
what a delightful Bunch you are thank you I’m very flattered by your attendance numbers very flattered by Your Enthusiasm let’s see what we can do to punish it right
certainly I don’t have an act but you guys are fans of the podcast so you know that so if we do nothing but get drunk and ramble for 2 hours is a little slice of Los Angeles for our friends in Tampa I just got a lot of people from San Francisco here but there’s always a tremendous amount of either from from from from The outlands Who pilgrimage to see all kinds of stuff how many people in the latter Group in San Francisco
who cares about that feels like roughly 40% but our first time here in this room seems like a lovely room I don’t know it’s a little intimidating feels kind of like a cattle auction what time is it for Ben Harris
I’m telling you why is because I’ve only ever been out in the audience watching the highest Doug Benson you’ve ever seen in your life just kind of be delightful out here in the in the back of a comic book store in Los Angeles and kind of like it’s a different different Acoustics in different things and you know Doug Benson is high as he is always has an axe to fall back on or a joint in his pocket or something all I’ve got is my Evernote Notepad
I wanted to make an announcement that I’ve been having a very successful experiment since I stepped foot into San Francisco it’s it’s it’s a two-fold thing and I don’t know how to describe it it’s a start seems to kind of contradictory what one thing is called owning it I’m owning it
what did I’m owning it capital I everything I’m not apologizing for anything I’m owning it you can’t tell him fat cuz I’m owning it
I got it seems like I said I’m supposed to be fat like Santa Claus owns it you know but no one ever has fat in his first poem about Santa Claus but from that we’re just like he’s he’s awesome I mean your sweater has a suspicion about it
it’s got some Secrets I chose a color that absorbs light rather than reflects it hoping that somehow they the Enterprise of your eyeballs with slingshot around the Sun of my stomach and go back in time to when I was 25
didn’t you I make a decision to go on a diet since you got engaged that you would become Slim in lies and sexy for your for your wedding I’m going to be today in about
it’s fucked up it’s fucked up if she doesn’t know any more about how many did you have that you did tell her about
I feel like $90 told her about it a hundred and sixty that I have it and I’ve discussed this before Aaron and I are my betrothed Erin mcgathy it’s like it’s it’s a
it’s a dream relationship Wheatley we have we share the interest that we share are going to kill us the interest that we share our lifestyle we just think that people should be sedentary we love it we love watching movies that we don’t even enjoy but I got one of those special pillows that’s the first thing I did when I start when Aaron moved in I got one of those they call him boyfriend pillows
that’s the technical name for him there their those pillows that are shaped like a little easy chair do you know what I mean I don’t know what I’m expecting like you’re all going to nod their head when you sit up in bed
you all know you hung up that you could do you know it’s a shift around and I know these things are called boyfriend pillows and they have these little bugs that come around and it’s just enough to like kind of anchor you and it’s just it’s just like a little Barnacle against the headboard and
are you quitting
why is it called a boyfriend pillow and by the way there’s other things that is a nomenclature is confusing because women have I don’t know I know the gender didn’t invent them so I shouldn’t say women have but they’re four for women they have those like kind of those stimulated boyfriend pillows they’re like body pillows and and God knows men have all kinds of things that have nothing to do with sleeping that our simulations but I believe it reasons call the Boyfriend pillow I would imagine it’s because this is not a romantic thing this is a this is a relationship thing over at your house but he doesn’t
fuck you you might just watch like Ironside or something but such a boyfriend pillow and pillow Ironside
arm rest right next to Ironton you would know that that they remade the series it’s now cancelled but then it was just a thought the reason the first Ironside failed of May because the guy was fat and white so they put a very sexy black man in a wheelchair but they kept flashing back to when he had use of his legs as if to apologize I could always crippled
and it with juice seems like but I only know about this cuz I was actually on the stoop so I saw one of these clips they were they were they would he would roll into a room and be investigating a crime scene and then he says he goes
so-and-so was scared all right but not because of the drugs because of that gun and he pointed a gun at under a pillow on a couch and all the other cops at the crime scene go how did you see that because I got a different view of the world from down here I’m not fucking kidding
it was it was one of the soups clip of the clip of the years because I’m so fucking insane the idea that forensic science is somehow altitude biased
guys getting here but the police I want everyone to enter every crime scene at a different level and a giraffe I want a really tall guy on another guy’s shoulders right now but the world’s longest trench coat but just walk through don’t touch anything until me recognize guns and speech
all right when the koala comes in
I don’t know what I’m looking back at this point it’s like I had like a there’s a structure to the show we are so happy and then I and then it’s just like like like sometimes there just weekends they just go they just we just watch like nine movies in a row it’s so different that heaven should be so you never look at that I don’t want you to ever look like
maybe maybe this is terrible I mean I’d rather you just come out and say whatever you’re trying to say then then this deposition I like like like just just charge me with whatever he going to charge me with him and I love a woman I don’t love hiking
I love her she loves me we love I would rather watch 27 Dresses than exercise
she would rather watch what’s 27 Dresses Buckaroo Banzai that exercise so even though she hates we share each other’s favorite movies with each other it’s it’s heaven and unlike some every once in awhile the doorbell rings and sausages are here
is it like a Mexican standoff of who has to get out of bed and that’ll be our undoing if you buy the Boyfriend pillow. I didn’t know it was called cuz I want one of those things of time now it’s finally time I finally finally with a woman that I love enough that I I want I want to just smoke up to the headboard and
smoke up smoke up smoke up motherfuker
you schmuck up I don’t want to sit up in bed I’ve never I’ve never want I want a TV in my bedroom I don’t want to sit up and read in my bedroom I want to go to bed in my bedroom or do naked things in my bedroom
big deal what do you what do you want to cookie
I feel like I don’t know I know it was something about something about when you say these things are feels a challenging see what you feel challenged by anyting
the movie Hugo
like overeating
I’ve never said that it will you perhaps our shots example to reconstruction of what they look like they just got you guys just a quick call I was in the bathroom and then the guy trying to post get out the men’s room door and we did one of those dances of awkwardness before we got here like I always do I always know how to get through bathroom garbage why are you why why why why do you always know
perfect she’s a good girl because I don’t have a boyfriend pillow
Life Is My Boyfriend pillow then I have a challenge for you Jeff cuz you’re a music fan this is a new segment people like segments that’s what I’ve learned recently
people even though it’s fake it kind of enhancers your enjoyment people like segment so it’s this segment is called the music genre so let me know what you going for about music and an investigation and just America and
and Joshua it’s okay wait music investigation America oh you heard that joke I heard it but it’s funny to tell you cuz I think I have all those covered already John Denver
music Foreigner music
why do adenoids let’s do a song for
where you going on
doesn’t matter
I heard
music theory segment we’re going to talk to Jeff about the music questions and nothing rhymes with Jeff and treble clef is going to assholes
I was going to say it was class but I stopped the song so go fuck yourself
all right so Musical musical segment all right Jeff the Dolly Parton song Jolene yes San Francisco native Dolly Parton I’m pretending that this is related to the San Francisco born Dolly Parton inventor of the typewriter and
friend of Abbie Hoffman
Haight-Ashbury frozen yogurt near and singer-songwriter Dolly Parton hits perform the song Jolene right okay so hurry up familiar with the song Jolene it’s Dolly Parton fleeing with the object of her her Lover’s desire another words the woman that going to going to take her man she’s playing with her please Jolene Town don’t do this please my betrothed and I were discussing this this Saga earlier to Aaron was saying when she was in a situation where she was very jealous of a young lady she felt like like her relationship was in the crosshairs of a succubus and she she came on at the Vesuvio and she has flashback to when she was playing Jolene so much that her her friend asked her to stop
it’s because I look like this is interesting like women and men
they different
women women drive like this
Noel
women at women and men both
we all have love songs we all have Painful songs that we all go through these people have both genders and on both sides of the listener singer relationship we’re all very familiar with the idea of a song about how somebody broke my heart somebody’s fucking with me somebody and we’re also familiar but more especially on the male side I think I’ll probably get corrected on this but on the male side there’s a heavy tradition of like guys talking to guys but it’s usually about sniping it’s it’s you’re going to lose that girl I’m on a fuck you’re welcome sciascia get the fuck that girl instead of me when guys are referring to as we can and we won’t get sued
Guido advantages
is a guy from a scalp damage
he doesn’t know what he’s doing can’t pin him down alcapone was so bad at bookkeeping at the IRS could never anyway
both sets of books is cooked books
I know that’s what you said at the Disco the City of Brotherly Love
as it is known birthplace of Dolly Parton epicenter of the typewriter
address for the most typewriters live anyways where the fuck was I really I really kind of ran it over my head and I’m interested to find out there’s an answer to this okay so because Jolene is a very special song men are all caught up in in their testosterone politics like you if a man feels threatened sexually by another man he’s not typically in a songwriting sent going to tend to express that by going Kevin
my wife so much I just begging you Kevin come on to me a solid this one time it just an errand and women mischaracterize heard making sweeping generalization but we are just generally talking about this is July’s to communicate and if you can’t if you’re a woman and there’s a you have that sort of competitive relationship with another woman the woman who who who leaps into aggressiveness old doesn’t do herself any favors there’s a sort of Trapped claustrophobic helpless feeling about it and the reason that song is a hit song resonates with all of us and of all genders including the Third Secret one
is it that is is is because is because it’s like we all know what it’s like to feel like just fucking at the mercy of another human being but so my question to you is as a fan of music
is there a male equivalent to Jolene specifically a man songwriter singer bird dog by the Everly Brothers keep that’s a third person he’s a bird dog he’s warning other people he’s going to fuck your Johnny is a joker he’s at he calls him out by name Johnny is a joke or he’s a bird guy calls that another guy one guy another guy
do you ran a Scotsman let’s let’s I created you going somewhere else out of out of Mercy options
I will open it up to the floor the closest I can get is bird dog or a guy says Johnny is trying to bird-dog my lady on the wrong as you tell her no
oh yeah I know by the zombie you that she loves you
oh yeah tell her no no no Anthony tell her no tell her no but if you want if you want
I love it and tell her no by the zombies where I he says specifically if she should tell you that I love you just remember if you said that to me is that why I think where he says Don’t Take Her Love from my arms stuff like that tell her no tell her no ex-girlfriend on penis pretty much you release hurt like I’m saying it comes to you he thinks that fucking my ex girlfriend said that she comes and tries to Tony and Johnny and Johnny is is Bucking Tony’s
girlfriend and he’s not into it he’s bound to be saying hate fucking stop it or maybe he’s just saying like is I love her and if she says I love you then take a hike cuz I’m going to realize her I don’t know if it’s forwarding man on man acquiescence and pleading for non-sexual intervention by the green comedy shows with Greg proops and Ryan Stiles we were talking about the kind of weird this is not going to win any awards for a damning it we call it kind of rape Rock young girl get out of my life
a guy yelling at an underage woman to stop saying that young women would like to wait for me like I got she’s 16 she’s beautiful and she’s my wife song
the girl he’s dating turn the Turned Up Nose now I’m looking at your titties like now it’s fucking on
because and you get the feeling a little sister that is because he’s been rebuffed by the older sister and younger cousins and there’s a song about like us go but they’re pretty fucking good in the sense that they’re horrifying as she is all night but you were kissing cousins good and I think means legally allowed to cuss
I don’t know okay the term the term cuz he saying we’re kissing cousins meaning we’re not first cousins I would have made it
second cousin’s cousin
I probably do I don’t know them I bet you’d make out with her if you did
you’re not you’re not better than these southern people
we judge them but they just have more cousins I think I think that we in the blue State metropolitan areas we go like each other lately I’ll talk to their cousin if you have if once you get hooked up to 689 cousins one of them is going to really sweet you off your feet
and that’s what can happen down there where there’s more room and there’s swing sets and stuff and eyes is just filled so you know they don’t have the potato sack race where we have a YMCA or a Walmart they have like just weathering Heights of weeds I don’t know okay
mixed a couple of geological and cultural things are in San Francisco I don’t want to I want to create the false impression that
walking up Columbus here in North Beach my favorite neighborhood in San Francisco town which I deeply love and adore I love I love coming here twice back tomorrow morning and all of us agreed separately that we would stay an extra day just to be here in this lovely City
because you can come to North Beach and I went to a bar and restaurant at Broncho on tap my next to the beers and it was it was just pouring out of the back of my brain and it was the best cuz that’s how it works right up the road and I’m going you guys were at the zoo if you haven’t opened the cabinet across the street like near like Stockton and green Columbus the run there and it was a big black guy maybe last big guy football jersey I think for some reason it was like Vikings or Greenbay but something and get a football you standing like waiting at the crosswalk if she’s like tapping the football Jesus he was like really out of his way
are you just standing there like that you guys like this didn’t didn’t bother me at all and didn’t really pay much attention to the last one that pizza come back he’s still there at the same crosswalk and now I’m stuck at that cross was waiting on her on a green light and he still there and we’re not waiting to cross the street but I know this guy enough to know he’s not Crossing that street cuz he was there an hour ago happen that football kind of shifted from left to right and it looks all right I’m wearing a suit since I got a tie on and I’m carrying a book and a little Zippy case for my iPad that I DJ the show with so I think it looks over at me and work our heads are about a foot-and-a-half apart waiting next to each other
Capital football no more
no talking to you about this probably has Tourette’s but it was for me with him cuz I had a suit on everybody that moved a faggot that he has to carry a football around in order to get away with calling people
okay that guy is a rampant homophobia is latent homosexuality because I think the concept of all time
well I don’t think I don’t think they’re all truth and I think they’re in May but no I am an absolute firm believer that if you are when you are that energetically opposed to a victimless crime because you are jealous. I don’t understand and I got all kinds of crazy political views I’m not a political person but I think you suspicious and we’ve also found out too many times it’s just over and over and over again that these people are like like like like
Kohl’s
it’s like okay and then you find out he’s going to the airport mosquito and he’s got three dicks in his armpits
look at it suck it don’t you don’t have to put it in your eyeball you don’t have to go to a fucking rest stop for it but first of all why are you married get that in order waiting out there to Mentor you in gayness if you if you if you can find them and I mean
I mean fucking
all right so I write in the old armpits with all three of my the first part of my my experiments
I don’t even I’m not even absorbing this cuz I’m moving on is trying to educate around here in a little bit
if you can if you can stated in a rhyme that you can justify a sex crime
it’s the real thing that I heard
to my knowledge but horrifying
more clever than today’s modern beers logos which are just like damn for what’s up
hey yo hashtag a Bud Light if your fuel of Bud Light hashtag but how are you remember when they were really like orwellian like why I asked why I remember that Logan was why ask why
that’s fucked up when your product is an opiate to tell a guy seems like our our biggest opponent to people buying beer sometimes people keep asking why
yeah well
maybe we can turn the tables on a camera year old’s Johnny Johnny Madison the boss said I’m sick of being told why people should drink beer, I’ll tell you why I’ve been a young guy goes you say why one more expensive if I said it twice
another were also gifted actress
Jodie Foster was here last Wednesday did she do this no she she talked about alien contact again
it’s like a broken record. I believe we’re going to give it give me a suggestion I heard I heard rapping I heard rapping plumber give me a give me a beat
Sir Charles
Jodie Foster
Jodie Foster MC Jodie Foster in the house I’m coming to your house to put your toilet Doing It Wrong already I should be unplugging your toilet I can’t handle this. Your lecture okay that was stupid
enjoying it
you’re bad. That was not your boy makes you bad people that was high risk high yield
can you prove it by the risk yielding nothing
hey do miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and blackston amount each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes all the themes relate to my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker it myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like you’re always in good hands

adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
I got off and I’m fat. What are you wearing that black fans and I was like okay whatever you’re not hiding I’m saying this being is it on your forehead secure about it
put on it on your forehead but here’s what people like how do you own a zit in your forehead and going on what’s up why why
dumb alright thank you I got it on my forehead but it’s not it’s not your private I didn’t bring it up by I see all kinds of hair way where does what is this place I’m going to put something on the jukebox drinking a Bud Light so you like that guy Everyone likes that guy I hate that my problem I was trying to like for sure okay okay with the pharmacist I don’t know who you are but whatever you want can I get a Bud Light in 3 weeks I’m sorry it’s not a bar I’ll just I’ll take a panda. Just going to cover it up until I die do you know you’re not supposed to pop in when you’re not supposed to
all right well anyways did you get the idea
okay I’m fat I like to lose 40 80 lb before my wedding 48 happy with 80 or you be happy with 40 how much do you weigh right now
you keep derailing me I’m just saying I guess I’m Fat Joe I didn’t say you were fat but just why don’t you why don’t you why don’t you why don’t you go marry skinny people
you know I’m fat and I’m your friend I’m fat and you love me what does that make you
Batman lover
what’s worse is arguably worse
that’s why it’s hard that me not owning it see that’s me projecting all kinds of shame but if I come out like Santa Claus and I’m like you don’t even think of your having presents because you’re fat is the opposite of owning it that’s been apologizing for being fat I’m done with that we’re not going to spend two hours on that there was one other thing I’m apologizing now
that’s the opposite of owning it isn’t it you can be owning your own guilt to your own shit I defend myself like I’m some kind of chess game like like like to a pizza place today and they brought the plate of olive oil and I I immediately took a salt shaker and if it stalled all over the olive oil cuz I want to dip my bread in the olive oil and yes that’s why I’m fat I’m eating bread and olive oil
and I am my first thought is like it’s like in coming to Tactical Invasion must know how do you how do you get out of apologizing for this someone saying that you’re doing something wrong prove that you’re not so what did you say it was your dinner but I don’t know what I did but then I was like yeah I realized I want to I want to apologize Whenever I send that moment even if I feel like it’s even know who cares what’s the worst case scenario apologize for everything I’m sure there’s people out here that apologize too much and they have to work on that or something it’s a stick up for themselves I don’t have that problem I think I can apologize a couple million times more often and I would be that would break even in terms of the average person like I like crunches
you know it’s kind of a comedic even quasi passive-aggressive feel to it I just like like like now just I’m going to say that I’m sorry more often will you mean it when you say it was abuser wrote thing you’re saying I don’t know I don’t know what’s not being apologetic is actually being contracted like actually it’s a it’s a special the least you can do the gravel in an end weep you no great tears about things but like you can you say I’m sorry you shouldn’t ya princes are you sorry for misunderstanding me just now yes I’m so sorry I’m sorry for interrupting the show on
I’m a bunny hello cabs
so how can a Mystery Science Theater Fame I was just going to bring you on a really I thought I got confused I thought I supposed to walk on like Bob Hope used to do The Tonight Show it again. Some music
breakfast
so I asked Adam Savage to come on the show he said yes and then he said no the show is sold out anyway so there’s no one here that was coming for Adam Savage of Mythbusters Fame write a guy who gets his hand to the dirt but we really lucked out in his absence because here in San Francisco is one of his really my first original actual Mentor when I move to LA when schrauben I moved to LA the first Hollywood guy we ever talk to whoever talk to us about anything was this guy in his brother he’s he had created the show called Mystery Science Theater 3000 that I watch when I was in Milwaukee but one of the most of inventiveness and do it yourself nice and autonomy and Jim Henson he kind of like brilliant sand and Harry was in LA and he was also from the Midwest so we had to connect
Translate La into Midwestern terms for us and show us the ropes a little bit and he’s a God to me and and a friend that I don’t talk to you enough but he’s here in San Francisco and I happened to catch my text so he’s here please welcome Joel Hodgson
thank you so much wow I never been to Cobb’s before it’s like famous is it what yet there’s pictures of stairs that are kind of intimidated there’s a black and white photo and a lot of lately down at cops back in the day this is where they did The Last Waltz by the band I don’t know what that what is that you know the concert movie The Last Waltz
it’s a it’s a it’s a that was his last show I believe isn’t it
it’s a big room it’s intimidating I know what were you doing out here in San Francisco. I don’t know why I just a dumb joke I do apologize. Faster it’s okay I didn’t know your shows were two hours long like 2 hours. I’m not going to make it in time and turns out the fucking Burnin time over here
yeah a lot of these people probably had at 8 saying they were going to go to or 8:30 or whatever fuck them know you’re in for the whole thing you text your friend and tell him to watch Gina ghouls at the court court Courtney Courtney pickles I heard he was doing the midnight show at the Taj Mahal
that’s the only all what the late night my friend
Dan the second shirt off and showed us the load.
Get those dollars at ladies
let’s bring him out to the stage put it together for the yeti
how do you do a lot more discolored skin
iPhone 6s groomers River think about that I have done it looks like the grandmother wouldn’t want to charge
let me see
designer be more weld
I can’t believe that he’s entirely covered nipples it’s amazing it’s just because they’re does almost entirely nipple
it’s like I come from a long line of tall very hairless Austrian men and exactly opposite like a cyborg with pimples I’m not taking it off late everybody here that when Jeff gets acne it’s also perfect
Jesus fucking
Monty and I have one exactly on my left shoulder Wings little like like like a vestigial Pegasus wings
but that’s it also I know I should glitter up with that I mean what I mean by that is I’ve seen pictures of my ancestry and all the men are identical when there’s no that’s what I’m saying it’s just it’s just we managed to breathe actually it was so funny when you guys were talking about the guy who would be singing to another man as coxswain
too much on another man who are socialized to that would be that’s just defeat right that’s like like if if if if if if I go like this and you go like that and then I get your Twizzlers women aren’t I mean and I’m not important to these very sensitive times I’m talking about socialization I’m not talking about genetics so it’s like like like girls are socialized at a young age they tend to be because it’s like they’re I think they’re socialize till like they’re not allowed to antler locking thing so they they had that they have to like they have more complex social structures and Jolene is it is a golden egg that comes out of that I was talking about the part before that
and I liked what did you like the part that before you went off like that
the part of the social thing it was just like when you’re saying cock a lot that was the part I like I like Dolly Parton a lot I saw her play the Hollywood Bowl and it was awesome because
but half the people I could see you sitting around me that’s right the Greek Amphitheater in Los Angeles thirty-five 45% of the people around me where in drag because she has a big like drag following the real show at Dolly Parton shows is in the bathroom all I got her I’m sorry for interrupting but I feel like I should change the lyrics to drag queen drag queen and half of the fucking crash who died when they were like a bunch of six five men and women dresses it was the best and also has anybody seen her life
and if she plays please go see her because she’s hilarious like she’s funny as hell and also I cried my multiple times and he’s an incredible Story songs in between songs like she is like nobody puts on a show like her she’s really really good if you play it every fucking instrument the building she plays the saxophone on point grand piano Mandalay like she’s all over the shop and she’s great but Jolene too long
I mean maybe it does but I haven’t heard it in a while I listen to satellite radio and I hear it I listen to a couple of birth certificate is 35 written in it and you just kind of like like it just kind of stays in the same thing
no that’s it. That’s that’s already the first I think we have to go to another place of her backstory like I would have to go to another trip me up cuz it’s Jolene you know like I always thought of myself dressed as a lady going into town experimenting excetera Jolene like when I’m on the phone I insist you call me Jolene Jolene Jolene City tonight after the show in like a pantsuit I’d be Jolene all of the all of the registered books and all the motels would be Jolene and I put my lips like on it like with lipstick
Joe where where where are you situated now you’re not separate other in Pennsylvania now Pennsylvania so are you okay fuck that guy how many kids do you have now I got to
end
you know what I’m talking about the two kids I can only sire children dressed as Jolene
and what are you focusing on creatively are you you are you well I just did we just did six years and cinematic Titanic which was like the original cast from Mystery Science Theater but you chew or with the show and we just stopped at so it’s kind of like and then I’m doing my one-man show so that’s kind of in myself a new one
then it’s just about it’s like the about the DNA of Mystery Science Theater so it’s just the origin story like Fort Atkinson when are you doing meme a nice way to say he doesn’t like that I want you to do your podcast any more mad if you keep on fucking doing an impression of me
is it bad to tell a line about about the other problem with modern part of pornography that they eat when you do an impression of him about his it’s his problem was pouring that you do an impression of him about the logical Joseph Campbell against our New York
like I I say this all the time to do is like like problem was born man now it’s all about that it’s like we’ve lost the refusal of the call man
psych used to be you know God going to a library and it’s like you know my books over that’s the key man I’d love to like getting in on this but I don’t do me so so yeah I got to tell you so your one-man show I didn’t get to finish my plug
won’t you thank you I’m done are you going to leave or you’re not going to stay as long as I have a feeling I’m going to get tired and then you’ll see me go but I’ll stay as long as I can one side as long as I use some of this yeah yeah man that’ll help pep you up so what so you’re you don’t want to derail you do I feel like I’m no no no
I want to I’m a bad I’m a bad interviewer in a bad friend and a bad person and a bad podcaster and a bad thing to pay $20 to see in a bad carbon-based life-form and bad The Bad go on
however I would if I could if I could wring anything out of you while I had you here it would be sort of like I like to hear you talk about creative philosophy because when I moved to LA I was lost in this sea is like it’s really easy to
it’s like a cult because you come get you you come from the Midwest into LA and
everyone saying stuff that if they’re all saying it then it’s true I remember just sitting and having drinks or dinner with you or you were you I don’t know you would say stuff to me the kind of like guided me maybe it was just a cultural thing like you sounded like a guy for the Midwest and you were out here and you had been through the ropes like you would tell these stories about how when you were like like back before Night Court like you had the same agent is Harry Anderson in like there was a point where you were you were at yeah that was on SNL killing it like have these inventions that you would show and there there was no request people that were going like like you kind of like you diverted from that path cuz you smelled a rat like you forget it but probably wouldn’t be a great idea we were talking about that stuff and kind of like
having that is a guidepost and realizing that it was okay in this sea of people kissing your ass and telling you everything that you thought you wanted to hear that you still had to maintain your own sanity to ask you to bring some of that out of you but I was just going to say that store in particular was Brandon tartikoff who is the head of MBC he wanted me to do a show called High School USA which was this Michael j.fox like kind of like Animal House, they did a movie of that right it’s a long time ago this is like I was 22 I was like 30 years ago so it’s like he said yeah we want you to do this show and I read the script and I just didn’t think it was funny and I didn’t think I could make it work and it just it just seemed kind of stupid and I said no to it and they just doubled the
they just said oh yeah okay where it was I think they were giving me ten Grand a show without you know six guaranteed and they doubled it so it’s been over a hundred thousand dollars 30 years ago and they just said okay you don’t want to do it here twice the money and I I just made me feel it didn’t make me feel better made me feel worse because I realized that my opinion didn’t really mean anything in the face of all that money if they you know what I mean they could change your opinion right and that’s when I quit and went back to Minneapolis and then like six or eight months later started Mystery Science Theater so is the right thing to do for me but yeah not from Los Angeles and not with the help of these suits that were throwing piles of money at you even though it was an option for you it’s always the right thing to do to follow your own compass and create if you want to create that you have to actually create there are a lot of
people that really that want to make a lot of money and can kind of create and they’re happy to be homeless you have to be willing to kill yourself that so that there’s no choice if it’s entertaining you kill yourself with the right amount of what should I do in this case and how do you know when you should do this and that and it’s like it’s kind of like you have to be you you have to know that if you tried to wash dishes you just be worse at that you’d have to be like willing to sit under a bridge and and and just died of exposure if nobody gave you money and still a kind of as your Frozen grin like sealed shut and your eyes glazed over the last thought you’d have is like still there
I did what I wanted and if you if you really don’t feel good as they did that did character in Citizen Kane says to paraphrase of my making money is no trick if that’s all you want to do is go do it go make money so I don’t I don’t know it’s like kind of like he kind of had this style of like I can’t remember what you guys remember that roast you guys did and and there is a guy there who had this kind of training where I take you to the airport and then his name is Sam Christiansen and he’s just he’s a teacher and it sounds like a really good really to talk about him because you talked we talked about him pretty high flung Stones a lot of people is like have been doing
you’re not you go in and you find out it just changed a lot since I went but he’s got some kind of the prettiest a streamlined way of you figuring out the essential qualities that you’ve always had and you always will have those things that complements you can paid your whole life and insults that you received your whole life and you will get them for the rest of your life people like you like a people like me to call me please too confident they don’t like me to call me arrogant and conceited neighborhood of an essential quality and you go in there and it’s it’s very very intrigued to find out the stuff that you wish people didn’t see but they all do and the stuff that you would you you wish people didn’t say but they all do I just wish we had that we don’t do stuff that we have that we wish we didn’t have we used to go to the airport that was a long time ago before when you can go to the you could be at the gate without a boarding pass that’s how long ago that was and you would answer the stranger to look at somebody else and check off
adjectives like for use Joel standing over there and it’s not going fast enough to give it to five people or 500 people if they would all pick the exact same words to describe you and it’s really chilling the same grouping a site like I put on a I put on a blue sweater I combed my hair I put on a boat I like it go back multiple times but people who never heard me say a word know that I’m sarcastic people from Germany people from Talking Italy they sitting at LAX got face circle the word sarcastic for me it’s like it’s been the result of a lot of problems in my life people assume I’m being sarcastic people always checked off sprinkles
glitter ship before I meant you said glitter shiter from way back
anyways have you been a quitter Twitter that’s only after party today at Rose
owning it
thank you
oh
it’s hard to tell what’s going on but
Scoops scoops of the pier scoob’s with Abby sometimes scoob’s scoops
doesn’t matter it’s private. How are you
or owning it and we’re apologizing I’m sorry I’m sorry about that I ate two Quarter Pounders good at telling you I have had some hummus and Pita yesterday
wait you said that your diet so strict with his dance Coliseum also that there’s a weird sort of like Legion of Doom people what kind of you stand convicted of Intergalactic smuggling
it looks like you’re all about to go kill Superman
nothing that school is there lit for our pleasure there’s no real practical reason they’re lit up there that’s for us to that I couldn’t understand
awesome
all right. So now that we have this triumvirate while we’re in San Francisco cuz we’re just passing through I do I do want before we move on I want to help one person from San Francisco or San Francisco you could be from you could be from Mississippi you could be from Pacoima
and you could be from chances is there anybody who really feels even more so than they just want to be on stage and wanting to stay just fine but but somebody really feels like they’re in like they got a problem they got it some pain
that we could help you with you in the back I can’t see you so I heard somebody say my girlfriend broke up with me get up here so I think that’s easy paying to access when you would you be willing to come up here person that said that no
he’s coming from the overlords up top
it’s funny it’s funny to have to do a Mad Dash down for the my girlfriend
is it internet is The Price is Right
hello what’s your name sir Jeremy it’s Jeremy everybody
I hope my hand out and he walked past me like a piece of shit
how I want you want you want them to sit here that alright okay Jeremy you have you have some of the finest Minds in the world up here you’re feeling you’re if you’re feeling pain tell us tell us about it give us the headlines we were together for two-and-a-half years and she dumped me and yeah how does she do it over the phone via text email it was very sudden and she gave she gave a lot of reasons but you know the Deep reason was we had communication problems Jeremy is closing his eyes and gesturing
turned away from us I don’t know why it was so that you’re free you can Pikachu me to get however you want I always very much loved each other but we did not communicate and she was someone who did not talk and I was someone who would not listen and so there was a communication that just did not happen even though we were both good people who loved each other very much. You’re very handsome man do you know that you turn into Ray Charles when you’re talkin about your feelings
I got a woman that you know that you turn into a Hank Williams II like Ray Charles has all kinds of things. I’m actually not ready for football what’s your where you at you know it’s been a couple weeks and you know my friends are really been there for me and I’m feeling okay you know my friends have been really good to me and so I feel okay are people calling out lying
okay there’s a part of me that does not feel okay but the rest of me feels great white she’s right there come on up come on up it’s her she’s in the ER right now all the time and if we don’t have enough Mike until we can all get on stage
I’m Eva Eva Eva you have a rebuttal all the time I’ve never seen him with a girlfriend one I work there for to go buy something every time I have a girlfriend
he’s awesome but I don’t believe he was in a long-term two-and-a-half relationship helping the healing process she doesn’t believe that you were entitled to your relationship was as maybe a little inside she would not believe what I’m sorry
if you were here doesn’t believe you that you had a long-term girlfriend so first off let the record State and and you can back me up on this I tip well I’m a good Tipper I’m not a deadbeat I’m not an answer
I know I’ve been in a relationship for well over well over two years going on she’s she’s accusing and so are more than one other people out in the audience there was a there was another female voice or at least one other favor of covering counterproductive she said quite distinctly that she does not believe that you had a long-term relationship and you did not leap to your defense that quickly because you are a good Tipper
There’s real pain out there and a fake relationship is not one of them
this is the best of world’s best harmontown what is JoJo the show micro 3 hours like half a block from boogaloos so once a week I have my my work-from-home day and I usually go there as soon as possible that like half the time I’ve been there was without my girlfriend so if she was an ex-girlfriend she is not my girlfriend she is a free woman now I wish I was lying about this I wish that she is not healthy
Melbourne
I brought you here with me and I’m glad that we had our
even when you’re when you’re in the audience in you and you felt motivated it wasn’t real angry at him claiming that he had a relationship like what is what is that is out of San Francisco thing you never had a girlfriend I go to the restaurant probably every other day by myself and I and I and I have to it and I have to like I have a boyfriend he just works at night you know like he could tell by his voice
I’m I’m sorry
I can just tell and most people that do have relationships and that have been hurt you can just hear it in their voice that you know I really love somebody who carries about cuz the big question is as he points out which I think is a valid rhetorical question why would he lie but I’m more even more intrigued but why would you why are you why were you not accusing any of you of anything why were you compelled that’s what Erin is asking because you didn’t tell you because I just made one rude comment to my boyfriend like I’ve never seen him with a girlfriend and he’s like you say it and I was using Maggie might let that be the the non ghetto Google app old version of her name Maggie you should you should email one either Dan or Aaron and tell tell them that you
you’re probably going to be happy that I’m talking about you right now but but but you listen to this and you should you should you should prove her wrong. I don’t even think she my boyfriend my boyfriend over there that’s okay Eva you came up here simply because your boyfriend fucking go to you to come up here you don’t think you have boyfriend never seen
feels like brakes still love it you have been coming on this stage for 4 minutes and minutes and I have never ever seen this boyfriend maybe to nobody cares about that part of it that you have that you actually have no convictions about whether he had a girlfriend or not you just made me think it’s not a girlfriend
when you are I have that anyway I’m sitting in the background and I’ve heard a familiar voice coming from the balcony so I was I should have never called out anybody that feels like they may I still feel that he did not have a girlfriend or two and a half years you still applies right now
I’m pretty and I want this to be honest here people that already know Jeremy or have met him before I don’t runtown please applaud right now
okay three or four or five people
everybody else everybody else in here who believes Jeremy that he’s heartbroken over his breakup of two and a half years
wow I feel I feel like
who sings there might be some mamalarky going on with us
wow
I just wanted to see what do you spell based on human interaction so far
follow the drama and I’m not saying they’re wrong to do it but it’s like that’s that’s why people smelled it before she did that I don’t know I don’t know about that it’s like like if somebody comes up and start saying like I love french fries I love french fries all the time my favorite kind of french fries and then someone goes like that’s what you want us to think I’m going to go like what the fuc person comes up with a hat
we’re not leaving until we know the fucking truth that as an audience member narratively your your mind then goes to Darryl Morris documentaries like you’re here on the side of the lake but you keep fucking yo yo I don’t know what the fuck love and you just got your heart broken you would have more details then she didn’t listen I couldn’t hear workout
can we just put for Not For a Moment as somebody in the show it’s a real privilege card for free coffee if you would be great if you start out by just saying for super cute things that she used to do that he loved okay just really adorable cuz I’m awesome she would fall asleep is left unattended and and it was it was a little annoying because she always had to take because we’d always
naps together that’s one thing let’s see we would we would refer to ourselves just as mammals and just talk about how great it was to be mad now we’re drifting we’re drifting don’t you aren’t you aren’t you too God damn it you are okay so when she would say the word cashew it was really cute I don’t know it’s real and real to me I like that
the last one that we were making each other happy and not have to say anything to Justin long movie theater she’s real or he’s a cuteness Genius of our relationship and it was when I had like we got to go to this random event for my for my company this this like random charitable event and it was like casino and I think that neither of us knew was going to happen and we just like it was the night of random frivolity and in and it’s just funny because like someone taught us how to play craps and it wasn’t it wasn’t even that like spectacular But like after all the all the time we spent all the vacations we went on in like you know all the like beautiful sunsets and all that other shit my best memory random at night
okay by Pirates
I don’t know if the boxer right I think you should have broken up I think this is good. The thing that we can all agree on although some people seems like 70% of the audience doesn’t think he deserves it I think we can all of The Tragic Truth has a cashew cashew a speech impediment having girlfriend that’s a narcoleptic and that that whose other two qualities are that she just likes to kiss and then stare at him
in which case bullet Dodge like you’re going to find a better girl that that’s more interesting than that, and eleven I love you too
and thank you what was what was her name in that story I think it was one of the most interested thank you buddy I want the music is playing

hey can you guys hear me am I am I audible I can’t hear myself. All her ellipses with four.
She loved to feed birds birds crows french fries in the park and she had this really weird toe. Just things are real cute is this about this but there was a division there and people felt it instantly it isn’t that is it just that people instantly got a vibe off of them or there was truly something that was said that sounded like like fallacious or both yeah so Jeremy when he speaks he has his kind of lightness in this kind of laugh in his voice and that makes it hard to believe people Mass pain that way the people coming up on stage and maybe like it for the first time or maybe not comfortable to come up here to that kind of scrutiny although he did seek it out himself to come up people people do behave strangely on microphone and under the lights I think you have
dispense a little bit of leeway for that definitely one thing we’ve learned it as well come up onstage but you kind of like because there’s always a bunch of people in the audience and they know that you can kind of come up onstage when you do come up onstage you have two strikes against you because everyone else is going fuck you even when we ask until you late like late that’s what that’s that’s that’s a thing that you have against you and I’m not saying it’s right or it’s wrong but that’s a thing you have against you so I feel like I’ve already said it but like he could have said like I like chocolate chip cookies and if James Earl Jones came out for the back and was like I know he doesn’t like that’s so interesting is that goes I think I made it safe
I run the bike shop down on 3rd and Walton and this young man of steel watches and coin purses outside my mom’s truck from Nighttime to to harvest station was just like kind of send me to fully convinced that it was just bullshit as she was in a tricky character to I wish the people that were listening could could I don’t know how they could see those people who just know that Jeremy was not a not a bad-looking man and also the girl that came up and inexplicably accused him of being a sociopath also like like very well put together like a weird
I thought they were going to end up together seemed like I was one of them didn’t have an extra head or leg braces or or like I was obese or anything like that and I’ve offended Oliver where do you think of the CW Show I’m just saying that I just wish that happened it’s so early earlier on of the show so we could do this in the next 17 hours
Maury Povich realized why is it always summer is like I think so much fucking for 2 hours show in Hollywood at the back of a comic book store team of people that come with her little Muppet Show of a regulars that, it’s not like you can come all the way up to Cobb’s and it’s a fucking brand new Adam Goldberg
yay
so I shake hand these out or what
thank you at the noble and ignominious task of trying to Wrangle our drug and booze addled brain to do once a week trying to play the same campaign of D&D
last week was Super Bowl I was I was as drunk as I’ve been in Hermantown since last year when I was here at the at the punchline yeah you were you were gone man I was busy MacTavish and I I really there in Sanskrit
okay so you’re this character named Chris de Burgh
all right
he’s a cipher being a rogue he also created the song Lady in Red
why these nuts suck
first Olivia Spencer to recap for us what happened last week are you ready to go I’m at Spencer and ready ready
ETA Spencer when we last met Our Heroes had made with had made with Le Neve had met with them this is why you don’t build stuff up liar
you didn’t and then the Skeleton Man from tormod tour on the way to the city Lynette began explaining the customs of the underworld will work for having too many hit points
after hearing a noise cork approach that battered Hut’s playing its Undead occupants and violating their Corpses
wouldn’t have let the gang into the broken city has the crumbling walls and into the Forsaken Chapel there they met the three bones stages of dormitory who revealed to Our Heroes the location of the Tarragona virtue high upon the floating island paradise with a tarragon they could finally heal Chris de Burgh of his possession but before the game could leave London game
spitting and cussing demanding that the party be brought to justice for their crimes the bones they just didn’t seem so enthusiastic about this but decided to enact the rights of The Unborn what were the rights of Pelham barn and how could our party Escape important mean is it some sort of a more
a historical figure we’ll find out tonight
so you got all that Joel
special one quick thing I was the thing that virtues on the floating island paradise and they started smoking the rights of what telum Varna tell him yeah the bone stage is there looking at you there looking at you and they’re saying we have to attack these rights these rights of tell him Varna tell him
2 Chainz as black as night fire from the shadowy Raptors breaking you in the chest and sending a cold clammy pressure into your body’s you feel claws gripping at your very soul is darkened your energy envelopes you you see several silent figures Hood in Black filing into the church standing around you and I Circle everyone in the church is also Changed by these I could change it to a barbarian rage and Russell try to get free of my chains okay flying into a barbarian rage you attempt to extricate yourself from the shadowy chains
I wonder where that fell off the table
you rent you rip with all your
and with this your soul
my I put it back in the rookie mistake with a black shame what is you slumped forward into the chain that you ripped out of your body your soul re-enters and you feel yourself live Jesus Christ everybody leave the change until we figure out a better way what’s it what what happened Grandpa was there
did you fucking die my soul was gone I think I felt solace
what was different
130 people got a jerk before I did
I I I don’t stab already
Okay so we’re tethered with black Hellraiser chains that are Tethered to our souls yes or no no hey Crystal. How are you doing I’m doing great and I’m wondering why we’re in a church
because you’ve been possessed Chris de Burgh and we’re trying to get the Paragon of virtue which was will release you from your possession we’re here to help you because you’ve been a real weirdo lately should do a different voice here I saw the ball hard knocks this when I’m a vest who won the president with bun
braces identical to my dad’s tickle voice
I am here it comes on going on when I get out of these chains
I’m going to fucking make your bones wish that there that it’s that their bones bones where it where we’re broken if I quit give me a second I’m threatening a skeleton throw this to a rumor going to wish wish to make your muscles are me right I’m going to I’m going to I’m going to lick now on your bones
oh and I look too puffed up with one of the torak permit for a skeleton name
oh that’s right this second or
class
play music Jonathan Silverman romantic comedy pick up techniques on them
Ashley
wow you really you really stay thin
this is so this is so uncomfortable because there’s been a big mixed up if you could just let this chain grass off my soul
we can have a party
the Rowlett I did the rights of telling Varna cannot be shed so easily tell him what are the rights of Varna it’s this whole thing
hey Lauren mud and another tour they look over I’m not I’m not I’m not going to pretend that I know you guys but I will double the offer on the party
if you if you let these chains off if you know what I mean and I and I I press my tongue on the inside of my cheek
and I explained to them that if my hands were free I would take the left one and and encircle the hand
the width of a shaft near the opening of my mouth so that that come and move it in tandem with the tongue movement so that the net result was the appearance that I was rubbing a dick just washing my mouth with a dick there’s a rubbing it a hard dick John it was a bird dog and bird dog he really got it on with you if you let me go I’m Yours
hey they look at you in there like again cannot be shed so easily will tell him I shall watch over his stall and may Sinners be Shackled In Darkness the ceremony will be in soon will the guilty party please step forward well then
literally never work before
I only deal with honesty
yeah I’m guilty I’m guilty of wanting to back like a it’s like a dick you can put your dick in my belly
I’m going to look at my friends and my mouth. I’m second or my belly buttons
alarm Chris de Burgh and I wasn’t here tonight
you guys know that like boners aren’t really bones, like skeletons don’t have dicks know but by you saying that we’ve achieved a connection because you can tell that we’re trying to give you a boner we never said that I know that was me the dungeon master back seat that’s what you like yeah kinda so if you were playing you you wouldn’t try to give them a boner
I mean I mean I might try it once and then you know if it didn’t work I wouldn’t try it again that’s not how you get boners man it look like if if if if people stopped at the first attempt to belittle species of extinct
play the first person that ever tried to get a person have a boner like use the leaf and and it didn’t work you think the kind of offended there’s a man trying to train you in on how to have a boner that’s leaves what are you talkin about play someone in this room has a boner liar
Jeremy’s Bono Jeremy’s boner
Turbo
hard as rock a great sword and try to separate my chains
because it this time I take it won’t steal my soul you severed the chain and yeah you separate the chain and it just kind of dropped to the floor and evaporates you see the end that’s on your side shall we say it starts slowly disintegrating towards your body if you looked at it looks like it might take about 10 10 minutes to finish dissolving to look at you I mean I guess you could do that that’s not a good idea
I start running around in circles nervously
all right that happened tonight can I do something let me know when I can do something anyway you could do anything but I want to reduce myself I have reduce reduce person. OK Google, go to for getting out of that happened to your smaller so I get out so I get out of the change in their guys. Music’s going to steal my soul in a second I’m at my Momma’s Soul bomb right now for my storage
I think you don’t quite have as much success as a quark does Clash equal into it I don’t know what you do with the change you slice into it but it just blinks off
no no I’m possessed can I read my chart if I’m possessed wait read your chart now Italia once this year I have the power of weapon of sap sap I think I’ll use
what up what do you want to use it on squirted on the skeleton excuse me I’m going to not use my weapon yet then if it’s if it’s not sap I don’t want to play
a gaseous form okay just for you know what turns me into like a fart
you you do that you become a gas just for one who cast it lasted allowed inside of your cloud
I just saw a man who got your soul Jack
I am running around because I have to have a 10-minute fuse with my chest and I start running looking for exits or anything and he started to take egress for some reason you can’t seem to break the barrier of standing hooded figures ringing you
oh yeah I do have clean a flaming sword attacks with a hooded figures around me
if your sword Cuts them at all it doesn’t seem to have any effect it slices through it as easily as if they were a gaseous form embarrassing
got to run a lot we got to we got to bring you some of the things you must elect a defendant me a descendants do it it’s not like a defendant the other usage of the terms more like a like a defense attorney really I defend myself all right
if you shall be the defendants then tell Ivana she’ll continue
I don’t know I don’t know what is my crime will not doing anything
cardboard paper on Leviticus has deserved
I have a horse
I will do anything to protect This Crew we are on a journey searching something sorry
I apologize I’m on my way to murder the shadow in the crowd
wow I love popsicles and hot is it going to pull her chains out
can I put up my bike. I put my bag of nuts in her mouth
yeah yeah and so there’s another version of me on the other side of the room there’s four more version yeah but but but one of them steps
I think they’ve learned their lesson
anime all week and we all jump in the air and high V set them free and let’s proceed
you you say those things
but yeah that’s okay I use one of my other mirror-image guys that go like don’t believe him
Anna Anna Anna Anna Anna and the guy he’s talking about goes like you goes away and I got like you’re welcome now
checking cash
the guy that hates skeleton
can I open my eyes real wide and is a cashew
and then I fell I take a little nap
all right what’s the result of all that come on
the first tour he looks on you with kindness but the other two are are very clearly not buying this
Doug Benson is backstage the show big closing monologue by Shar-Peis and the show
no pressure shackles
fasten my wrists and these chains go into my soul but there’s something more powerful than risks more valuable than Souls
and I refuse to tell you what it is
because usually when someone talks about something more valuable it’s usually comes down to something like the soul
but I have a moral and it’s
one of the ship
two in the pets. I tried I tried to force anything
024 damage
Adventure attack
Iowa Iowa Hawkeye yeah what’s the attacking patriotism
it hits
alright patriotism take 7 damage
what time do I have that on the fuse in my chest. Like 9. Most of the time but okay
come on Harmon can you speed it up
can you make it like a few minutes you son of a bitch
yeah I’m going to off myself to
but I think everybody
all right
thank you so much.
That was one doozy of a show I want to take Jeremy but coming up Eva from making things with the most complicated and wonderful of all time
my good friend Joe Hudson come to my show me the little tiny bottle of Ketel One that was nice of them
I can’t remember their name so is that you guys thank you take me while you guys are wonderful let’s go find a nice place to grab a drink

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