Episode
Episode: 285 – A Ken Dolan’s Production
Description
Dan, Rob and Spencer share embarrassing celebrity encounters, hotel room trashing and poop stories. Steve has a problem with the violence in shellfish. Featuring Dan Harmon, Brandon Johnson, Spencer Crittenden, Rob Schrab, DeMorge Brown and Steve Levy.
Transcript
Legend going to listen to this your dad somewhere hopefully you’re high enough
so glad you sent me from downtown Burbank I’m so excited to be standing in for Jeff Davis such big shoes and even bigger jockstrap I’m Brandon Johnson tonight but first let’s get into it, man
the craziest the king of all time Steve Harvey called and one of his favorite comedians Spencer Crittenden Crittenden ladies and gentlemen
big fan now if this man is definitely the mayor you seen him on his all over the city and States your mayor Dan Harmon yo yo yo yo yo yo yo wrapmaster Dan Harmon is wrapping now where to do the way you do your life
eat your peas with lots of butter nice wrapping my heart out
dancing a little bit too but not so much that I hurt myself I’m a little hungover from New York and I’m in a bad mood I find most people don’t even like my own friends
or my family most of whom don’t like to speak to me I have a niece I never met
driving to the beat the Mets moving my beef in a way that’s right Blue Apron have the braised nuts Blue Apron Squarespace Airbnb
quit quit quit quit
the brush do you Mirror Mirror clean it up the name of this rap treasure
blizzard rap I’m a quip toothbrush from the bush will you brush your teeth
get that brush up your butt hole but the equipment your butt rub it around till it get nut was such a prostate make the semen come out if I break down every 45 seconds if you you
to put it in a different part of your body
alright thank you welcome to the show yeah yeah yeah
flying and Hip-Hop ever I have a niece I haven’t met
hahaha
pain in that line we all felt it
I’m sad as fuck
I have a niece I haven’t met Jesus Christ
well we’ve got a horrible horrible show for you tonight not in the mood I brought I had a great time in New York but I self-destructed when I mean I really learned myself and Cody premiering I was attending the premiere of of of of Kombucha tea I was in a very long and okay I think if you Google seven stages Harmon or holy storage which is flight who’s played by Tyga waititi Kate micucci is in it Sam Huntington net they’re amazing I mean micucci I don’t want to fight I want to play favorites whatever but it’s like sheets executive produce the movie and she’s just she’s just she’s so fantastic in it
really cool
alternative I don’t know what the funny people in it and I’m incredibly great cuz it went good. I felt like I lost weight when I watched it I was like why I look how fat you are on the screen it’s a lot of self-hate
I mean I thought I was in the bathroom in my New York hotel room and I was drinking and I had a good time and I don’t like is brushing my teeth
and I think I think I believe that this is what I did I had to tell the staff I will try a broken lightbulb like I like the glass ball the covers the bulb and I but I didn’t tell them I did it on purpose because that would be insane but I think that’s what I did I was like I was like looking at it and then I just reached out and pulled it off and dropped it on the floor of the bathroom okay that’s fucking badass man
that’s metal as fuk I mean that you’re just making up disasters satisfy you that it was like huh what was that what was that behavior was weird I told the lady at the front desk I’m really sorry I obviously I’m going to pay for it but I want the staff to get hurt there there’s broken glass in the Lord she’s like yeah you seem like you’re in pretty High Spirits and I was like yeah I’m quite drunk so she deserved it she did well at least people were going to be jerks at this hotel if something should go wrong it’s like when an adopted kid to foster parents living room
were you in High Spirits I was drunk right yeah I had a great time you know who is a great guy that I would really love to hang out with you and Ella and I’m sure I’ll come on the show at Mark McKinney I’d never I think that was the last in the hall that I that I have met a very high risk insulting him by sounding shocked by this but he’s just a very funny guys very witty charming and friendly and he likes that he likes to drink because he’s freeze freeze Canadian they like to drink there like they’re basically like milwaukeeans and Canada you know he’s in Toronto a lot but he is also living here and I think that yeah I can’t remember what is exact schedule is but we did exchange it digital and the rest of the show.
and then I want to know about the garage fixed it’s fixed at this point it has to be painted doesn’t have an address on it yet that’s not a big deal I’m not going to let that get to me I don’t really need a garage I don’t have a car but it’s good that it fixed I guess okay. On my block what’s what’s what’s what’s what’s a grit in bloody marys what is that why why why did why is why is part of a bloody mary just gross little chunky balls of black like fucking shit peppercorn
what the fuck are you ordered it
yeah well I just so I can I say when I order a bloody mary can I say can you not with a peppercorn okay I’m going to try that sometime cuz I got to be in the mood for a bloody mary but then I remember I’d like to do the little beady of charcoal and gross what a gross drink what a terrible terrible thing to do to somebody hotel hotel or was it out where you at. Wish I wasn’t staying at the standard but I went there too
drink and wait for our car to come okay
baby boomers are bad people that wrote that down their almost dead but the ones that are left you no kind of destroying why do you feel like they’re pretty play they blew it through the sixties and seventies they’re just they’re just not aging very well at all they’re becoming villains and I mean maybe the good ones died like 65 lot of this also a lot of assassination and we are left with the mummies and assassins don’t take it personal if you have a baby boomer in your life I’m still may be there a ghost or an angel but if they’re alive they’re probably a piece of shit we’re pretty much
invented street lights invented streetlights we should use glue for concrete you know so we have invented those bags that hang over you in surgery with the saline in them you’ll be standing on an operating table like you’re good with it with a with a with a brick hanging over you with your arm how great would it be if people could recall technology I didn’t invent street lights so that all these immigrants could come
I said the music too loud. Give us back the phone
I want to hear the Beatles
well it’s kind of interesting Brandon you in singing the Praises of of our previous generation you really at went to some less likely places than that people usually go I usually go to the Ed Sullivan Beatles Moon thing and you talking glue in concrete at such a thing didn’t didn’t know Spencer how are you I won’t let him look at him why would you fighting and foot were fighting about the other day and Spencer wouldn’t let me make glazed nuts sauce with a production bulleya Bass
pick up Wesley Bright and get it it’s a blow job joke I bet Blue Apron is going to love that I mean they hate being talked about
nuts nuts nuts nuts what kind of sauce is what you should be asking it’s a nut Sasa bulleya bass reduction
if you’re just joining us I’m in a bad mood I’m hungover
which of the TSA checkpoint as we all do when we travel or do you have to even I didn’t even have a bad time personally I’m not sure why they are upset why are they upset what is the fuck did they think was going to happen they don’t make a lot of money I don’t fucking care I’m sorry I’m yelling at you I’m asking you to defend but he makes not a lot of money except me yeah it’s great I love I love it it’s great big piles of money and you can roll around in it and you can buy food yes but I don’t know I was poor once I was a dishwasher I didn’t make enough money there were too many dirty dishes I wish I wish there were less I wish they were cleaner when they came to me was a dishwasher that’s how they feel about you all exactly but I wish you were cleaner there’s too many of you you’re all in a bad mood you’re all running late and then
first and they’re trying to save your life and you give them shit they’re trying to save our life through that’s that’s how the TSA feels they’re like where the janitors
then they should smile
if they think they’re saving people’s lives they should they should look like Superman’s make them our case we should be friends and then make them feel good about yeah or maybe they should like I just maybe what happened yesterday is probably going to happen today I see a bunch of people who are not always in an airport are going to come to an airport for the first time in a while some of them from foreign countries all all of them at 9 ideal times in their lives have none of them having gotten up that morning eager to pull their shoes off and put their belts in a liquid bag no one but they didn’t make it to be there and be used to it later they did get to be native to the to the place that we hate to be but but I don’t know what I don’t understand is
why are they so cranky I just wish they would be mad at the right people because there are people that don’t get their laptops out and then there are people who don’t take their jackets off and then those people aren’t the ones they get mad at me I can always just so like oh you have a phone it’s like yeah everybody has a fucking phone but it’s like shut up but it’s like they’re always mad about stupid shit or they’re like mad about like I don’t know someone’s not hearing them and it’s like yeah I mean everyone’s yet
this goes beyond the TSA but this is like if where you work there is a sign that says what everyone supposed to do and you find yourself repeatedly and exasperatingly pointing at the sign and saying it’s on the sign what what we call that in the sign business is a non-working sign
that’s called a bad sign it’s not working correctly so it’s not really forty thousand strangers fault that they’re not seeing the sign or taking it into their hearts it really can’t be forty thousand people’s fault 40,000 people can’t really do anything wrong on purpose then hold on let’s hold on forty thousand strangers let’s go to exercise has strangers in Germany is there like in a Moose Lodge kind of organization and they’re like let’s set fire to this church or something wait a minute no no no I’m saying because it wrong is wrong because it’s not working if you’re at a Nazi rally at with 4:40
the Nazis and there’s a sign that says no cell phones and all the other Nazis are on their cell phone before you go like
make it the text bigger in Nazis say what stop being Nazis don’t worry about your cell phones just go home sure that too that would be great but yeah we’re talking about you said a lot of people couldn’t be wrong and I was like I feel like a lot of people are often wrong but I take your point about bad design savantics there’s a terrible monkey people that fucking suck and eat dicks isn’t there a tendency of people to ignore signs anyway that like like I mean I agree like I agree that a bad sign is like can be marked by the fact that people don’t read a bed the same time there’s like doors that say push and pull and then people just don’t look and stuff like that bad sign I mean
not working the whole experience is not working in the science part of the whole experience people are a force of nature there when they’re moving through a door every written information around you know we kind of like who carry don’t they don’t write so dumb sign is not working well going to work people don’t work like that there’s no sign that people are going to read
great a particular if the experience is the same experience as telling them to do something figure out a new way to make people do stuff you don’t want them doing what if we get someone to yell the same thing over and over until they want to kill everybody sure or were at a class to their grade schools and wait twenty years for a for everyone to become better better pushers and polar doors I can get squishes start that right now I think if we were going to be mad 20 years from now about people not staying off the grass we should we should we should give the grass feet special vitamins that make their feet grass when it’s brought the grumpout in you I am a very angry man in his pajamas why is everyone so dumb why is everyone so stupid and mean and ugly
it’s a it’s a rhetorical question she said you had fun in New York I did I did have fun
it was mostly it was all out of who you go with do you know you got to have some stories that mean that you know yeah I think about that a continental States on a shrub our disrupt or truck to a merchandise will be available after the show Mama’s got robbed I’m a stickup artist wrapping your pussy put your hands in the air get me you’re touchy just trying to feed my family wrap your pussy
Dramamine
hello
hello Dan how was your trip to New York it was good I broke a light bulb in a hotel room like like like like like like I was a rapper like you were like a rotten idea Apocalypse Now where he smashes the mirror yeah but I think I honestly wasn’t that a man of Scavenging a rapper I think Lutz a hotel room that night at exit is that is that is that a joking matter but it’s a happy happy you’re ending to the story that guy that saved everybody at the Waffle House not every bad motherfuker it’s always cool writing something funny like the guy cuz he he he he looted the the mask
stole a gun and that is the thing is kind of funny but yes he got the gun from the dude and then Emily the cops showed up and shot him shut up. Shut the fucking hero the hero guy because they were like holding a grudge like they didn’t know who were surveyed heard shots and I have no idea that happened that is a fucking bummer I’m lying but this is where we are America that straight Night of the Living Dead yeah there aren’t there aren’t any I mean the police aren’t supposed to really notice the guys holding a gun but but why I write start a different podcast at the same time
joining problem I mean it illustrates the problem with a gun incident which is that it’s a highly chaotic information situation in which a lot of information changes at a very fast paced and even having a gun in a shooting situation can be a liability that gets you killed instead of protected so like that’s just an inherent to the beast in like this is exactly why I mean say that guy had a gun say that guy shot the shooter say he did it before he got any casualties that guy still might have ended up dead because you know he was the guy who had a gun when the cops showed up in that up just one the potential murderer the heroes bullet could go through his entire body and hit a baby or they could just shoot a baby instead of hitting the perpetrator and then the perpetrator pops like six shots off of that runs off for you know who knows I mean
everybody needs to have a gun concept which is freedom I don’t I don’t want to have a gun in public I don’t immediately as soon as I could got rid of my wallet and then put all my credit cards in my phone case do you think I wanted but I want to stop at the counter right before I go out the door and load of 45 or a heavier want to do that I don’t want to have a gun I don’t think you want to have a gun outside you know who might or might not our classic character MC gun control push it
yeah it’s me and she can control the character where the joke is that you can’t tell if he’s a for or against guns
and see that it’s a crazy Second Amendment powerful weapons for all of us can’t tell what sign am I
so now MC gun control in the past you have at least said the words gun-control a fair amount which has led their to be like the perception of some amount of balance where you’re talking about gun control lines and things people could do with guns and 6 in in the United States own the world but you weren’t even mentioning gun control at all you’re just kind of like you’re almost just promoting guns in the things you could do almost impossible to control guns out of control that’s the awareness credible killing machine
why you keep saying that it’s been accidental breaching of the comedic formula because I would have done would be like to get the packs I want to kill people are good anyway yeah I am not interested in the word incredible means hard to believe
and you did say the wounds that guns create world like amazing
the remarkable Spencer oh just this Chinese murder van t-shirt anyways I didn’t want you move that bush out of the way so I can make you move that bush on my way so we can I’m just spitballing t-shirt ideas it was point I’m really sorry you’re just a walking t-shirt idea what a what is a t-shirt
because you don’t take mine will now you don’t have to it’s not bad as you can on the Chinese murder van t-shirt I’m fat out of here
hot when your phone get one of these Chinese Murder band T-shirts that simple and I wanted to be organic yes do you want to be it’s be made by teepublic I meant more of the Segway quite sure the materials should be organic is well how are you cycling to and add Blue Apron out of Mike remote all three times softer than cotton candy big what is the app what is the aprons vibrated every 40 seconds what is Airbnb offered free meundies for gas City apron come with you to New York apron
apron seems like somebody that didn’t would hang out with Dina
who is with you and Dee know when you guys are traipsing around New York there people that we run into her blood for a little while Cameo okay excellent Gino’s friend Tom medicine out I bought you know what tiny cactus a cactus store we talked to an old fell on the sidewalk about something I don’t know what they’re talking about a conversation and he was a philosophical but they might have been talking about Blue Apron I don’t know I’m sure they were where they like hey
Give me the lyrics of what give you blue
thanks sorry sorry I’m sorry this show my favorite thing is in the Blue Apron dad’s in particular and podcasting is linked with you listen to True Crime podcast the last visit very often a very like really good to it’s as if they’re doing a bit like it is like like like talking about a horrible murder and then there’s like no seem good going into like a food delivered to your house it’s kind of funny that’s the best I know it’s what I know it’s more like her mangled body had been eaten by her own cats before officers got the to the scene and then the odor was attracting the police I love acorn squash cook with my kids all the time and when I do I mean it definitely shows like that it seems like you really could sell products because like you’re instilling just utter fear.
the kind of thing that makes you not want to leave your house I mean when you’re not leaving your house you know you got to have groceries television is television is telling you do not stop watching this television like they like to go get a car but but drive it back here and keep watching TV
what do you think Rob
I think I find it I was thinking about this I find it strange that the theme to Fall Guy was more concerned with letting me know that Lee Majors was heterosexual and then focused on the stunt work with what’s the I just remember these ladies plenty yeah and then you jumped over a girl named six be over Subaru in pussy and straight as an arrow and friend if I like it
I mean I mean like really I mean like they lead with that I’m not the kind of kiss and tell butt and then he goes into how many women he’s
I thought Gina told the story is really funny about his dad who is no longer with us so Majors this will be fine we’re just to finally his memory but they were watching I was watching a Woody Allen movie and his dad was in the room and then Woody Allen have a line about the Greeks invented homosexuality Adidas dad got up pause the tape and lectured me know about how that’s not true the reason that rumor got started is because the Romans made made everyone suck their dicks and then kept up with the Blade the movie and let us go to son just absorb it really it really cleans up Greek history doesn’t it like I said you really a shame you went into the Greek you’re definitely coming out the other side of that one renewed
but didn’t the Romans steal the Greek religions and mythologies and stuff then they just like turn Zeus into Jupiter it’s the same thing I like that it’s a New York sort of battle that still sort of going on like the group between the Greeks and the Romans exactly at the only real truth is a fucking Romans this fucking Romans did this yeah wrote Romans Atlas funny to imagine Romans as Italians they technically were imagining those those outfits but talking like Robert De Niro Mark McKinney they they were asking people to do De Niro impressions in the deadline interview people doing round this and make it funny but Nero is
put down that fish I kept making them do it all weekend is very existence line from some weird
no matter what actor you were if that were the your catchphrase should be able to the presence of you be like I have time to do something I want to be a dentist anymore why did I why did I start that movie looks like we’re trying to figure out the title of the movie wasn’t McKinney said don’t talk to me with a fish in your hand
I got a big crush on him as you can tell I like that like to hang out with him he’s very Charming
Skyrim
I don’t like the idea sounds like you had a really good time it sound like there’s a if you’re if you’re if you’re
do you know Bruce McCulloch off in your listening I I didn’t I can’t remember if I met you but I didn’t dislike you I’m not saying that you have a favorite member now that you might be the most compatible with me
at all of them so is everybody
I want that they’re all pretty sweet they’re all very sweet remember if I ever met Bruce McCulloch I meant I meant I meant Dave Foley I met Scott Thompson I bet Kevin McDonald I know I said I was going to yell at David Cross one time before we met him I like dying or whatever before you move to Los Angeles and we saw him walking down the street and I was I should roll down the window and yell mr. show at him and I and I didn’t I think I told Danny I was thinking about doing that I’m glad I didn’t cuz that would have been how you Daven or not it’s not that was awesome he would you know you have it
removing in a vehicle right well I went of Navy did he would have been saying it up my bumper cross fast though it is the one thing we don’t know about cross he runs really fast that’s why they call David Cross the funny thing is 4 a.m. the sun was up cuz I remember was broad daylight but it was like so late it was like there was nobody on the road I was driving back to my apartment for probably from some God knows like some fool who knows of naughty party at an apartment if it’s 4 a.m. maybe there was Koken blah blah I don’t know I was I was like probably stayed on someone’s couch so I wasn’t too drunk to drive and it was coming home very very wee hours of the morning and edit the intersection right over by my house like but like it’s just a deserted subdivision this car
is coming rolling up to the same stop sign is kind of his kind of rolling the stop sign he got there way earlier than me but didn’t come to a. Which was fine I wasn’t it wasn’t like I was doing anything really that wrong it was just a bit but but it is the car was in the middle of the intersection as I approached it and then it was David Cross and he looked at my car coming up to the stop sign and he said he took both hands off the wheel of the car and put them both on the on the glass of his dread the driver side of his when I did this like insane like oh my God I’m going to die like like performance likely cuz if my car was barreling towards him and he was screaming in in Terror and then he just kept going or is that was a bit for me and I’ve never met
brought that up and and how did he react remember cuz that’s what I can do I’m sorry I’m sorry you’re sorry I’m sorry I can’t remember what are you saying that it’s obviously a very frustrating to not be able to tell you it’s what everybody wants to know it’s really irresponsible of me do not have that information do you think that he was maybe a little do you think it was coming from the same place you were coming from. How to make me maybe more item it was just that time of the morning like we’re aware well sweetie beating I do he’s not a Milkman who’s the first famous person did we meet David I’d ever met
I don’t think I’ve ever met but yeah you’re right it was correcting me like his real name is Michael. I was confirming or affirming your we were in a sushi restaurant and it was eating like for one of the first times with her or an agent blurr Belcher at UTA and Rob kind girl and I went and turned around and a David Duchovny who was quite literally right behind me sitting back to back with me in a tiny restaurant in Philly his chair was touching my therefore he just he heard his name and I turned around to see if confused David duchovny’s nostrils in my face
are there any other time then I turned back around and get it at our age of play it was like she chuckled and said he got a treat him like ghosts them so he started banging some ceremonial sticks together mr. Duchovny I’m sorry you had to go through that goes training. Yeah that could work half way through that you’re like I better make this date of American chanting so sloppy that is not offensive Ohio
remember my son in a ghost everywhere and they dress funny and here’s what I think Rob I think they’re starved for very very casual normal conversation that normal people have when they’re sharing a bus stop because people are just like oh you’re the guy from the thing or people like I’m a big fan but people are just saw like fucking the Steelers right or whatever like I feel like they hate cuz all there any interactions are just so rarefied and not normal and they must have lived with normal interactions before ya Barrymore
it’s great when people talk to you at the end I hate it I love it I love it hits some really into the hits we talked about about the hits branding so people will you see me feel free to just come to me randomly and speak about some of my great internet videos you seen if you see me tell me about any cool new blue blue apron meals you’ve had the biggest you fucked up with a celebrity like like I I think I think Fred Savage probably I think I made him hate me in 2 seconds are Beth he what he was he was at a GQ
I tried that some something in their magazine like the hundred what was like what were they serving tell the story is that a party I don’t even know your what music were they playing before you play can you play Rob Poore release the story I was so much cold and callous is great people to think that I went to the kinds of parties were Fred Savage’s just hanging out it was more of a function yet I don’t know how good and how great the story is cuz I want to hear how you fucked over Fred Savage was introduced to him and you know he’s a he’s a director the TV director in bed too long since
Ben Fred Savage director-producer you know respected by his friends and colleagues you know not treated like a fucking circus freak because you have to be on a TV show and I fucking idiot from Milwaukee so I would say he was talking about like he said though you should try the shrimp I’m making this pot by Adele like like some some some some small talk like like like the shrimp shrimp appetizers are really good and I and I and I said when you’re eating the shrimp appetizers does does Daniel Stern say that they’re delicious it in your head and he looked at me like like that will cause you are but you’re not print Savage
Kihei didn’t like it but I don’t I also don’t want to tell the story in a way that makes him sound like he was petty or defensive job and it stinks in here you know it’s like looks like he just looked at me like like like like a r k look how do you spect me to get I like you just ask you a question and you had fans who have not hit it out of the park a couple of times in person I do believe you say the majority and had they have they come up to you and said something like, well any or whatever end and you go or are you every time somebody just remind you of something you made your your your like oh that’s sweet that’s cool I honestly yeah I know they like the ladder I honestly cannot think I had one and counter I can remember with with a guy that I did not like and it it was
I was at at The Lumiere on tour doing her job thing it was in Summerville and the guy turned out to be he was a drunk guy that had wandered in and only knew that I was famous didn’t know who I was what was why the conversation was insulting and nagash in band and playing and like all about him and and then it was that that means it literally I’ve never really had a bad encounter with a Dan Harmon fan is good people are very pretty straightforward they they they don’t they don’t they don’t there’s no bit to do they say mr. Harmon or or are you Dan Harmon and then they and then they both are very flattering to think like this is something that you can’t control and that is going to be gone one day and you’re going to you know you suck it up like like like like like even though even though even if it’s like
this is ever really happened but even if it’s not opportune you know like a butt but it’s never an inopportune time to approach me because I’m I’m not as as I hear celebrities sometimes say ever eating or with people I may look like I am but I’m I’m inside I’m screaming out I wonder if anyone recognizes me and I love hearing the answer is yes you damn right great by it’s a great by product because it makes me feel like I can delay most of the work that I’m doing in therapy by another 10 years because I’m not a normal person I’m not perceived that way so why would I learned acquire a good indicator of when it’s over with because when they stop doing that it’s it’s over with yeah right weight is that
give me the career when are we going to talk about what did you buy a case for Dan’s iPad that you’ve been borrow and I is this iPad Pro was sent to me from our own Kevin De who works on harmontown Denny Denny wrote mean he’s like hey big fan I heard you were here down
I had an extra one of these iPad pros and a pencil and I thought if this little tiny thing
did I did could just make you just a little bit happier I’m going to do it come on do it and I was like Kevin that I’m touched thank you so much for doing that I mean it like it’s strange but I’ve known this guy maybe a year-and-a-half and he doesn’t like he lives in my neighborhood right he mailed it was sent it out to me will you must have mailed it from like maybe the next state over something you talked about this with him before that. You know I’ve been depressed I’ve lost my way I don’t know if I can go on anymore I just you know just and I we had this thing with there was a miscommunication and I bear the brunt of it but it’s it’s over with now but this is a really really nice like by Prada
that and I said you know you know Kevin I was like you know what unit you’re you’re really good friend now and that you were always so you’ve been since I’ve met you you’re a nice guy and and I didn’t you know that your friend and your friends are not going to responsible for my feelings you know it’s it’s but but thank you for this a Teddy goes whoa whoa whoa tribe what did you just say you’re not responsible for my fears Bowl that’s not true I come on care about your feelings there for I take responsibility for your feelings and I was blown away I look like a legacy iPad and it like a series one really really really nice I mean I don’t know I mean that’s a technical or whatever cuz I just that was just when he was just like drawing some stuff you know before
you know I came on here and it’s just it’s great because you know it will take a look at what you were was it expensive to get that iPad then
it was a gift it was it didn’t cost you a lot of money it was a gift I know where you’re going with this I know what are you talking about honestly I’m offended done if we’re going to do you’re going to jump down my throat every time I ask you questions about the nice things you bring to show off to her friends then then we could do that every time but I’m just trying to share in your excitement with this fun thing that you got and you know try and talk up and try and see if I feel better if I don’t even know your voice lower voice I’m right here I got to work something out on microphone and hugs you tell each other how do you need to talk later Ali you have a microphone stop shouting at me and I can’t hear myself really well through the monitors even with his microphone is great. Shouting you’re embarrassing yourself wouldn’t want you guys share you know this is something I drew yeah that’s pretty cool
okay but I might be time for them to read that is pretty cool
do you know like just like different why can’t you remember what inspired that particular word that I just do not have time for that piece I just like you know like the name for this Universal question for her for something real isn’t it I think it’s up to interpretation and just let go how does this make you feel I mean write what you know what is 0 right yeah I mean I start will upload it to the Instagram or I could tell you it says why am I not going to Boston in childish scrawling
Agri feed the language that Ben Franklin invented if you’d like a low-cost iPad try honey it’s a service that installs a coupon detector on your web browser when you can say so much money within two clicks you can have a very affordable product
Oh man
oh man
oh man hey Rob what did that thing say the iPad for for anyone who is just happening to maybe just listen to take you that fucking high he just tomorrow that drug addict oh no I’m blasted yeah I think so yeah I don’t think you know what room you’re in. Let’s back off all right don’t harsh it don’t harsh is but I drug weed I was just say that I’ve been I’ve been yes ending Every Witch Way this whole evening has been pretty good now that’s why I’m not blaming anybody or Boston what so what are we talking about here a show in Boston coming up right we’re going to go from Boston know what don’t you get about it
why would you would shoot yourself in the foot
take a shot skid where is Milton Berle and Richard Pryor
pickle shots like like coming down on Richard Pryor on Dick Cavett was it or Kevin or like not till dawn here the other one it was a talk show like of that time though he started laughing at Milton Berle call because Milton Berle was trying to share it was sharing like some sentiment about some up to about a divorce he had or a woman to have an abortion or something I fucking heavy and Richard Pryor was like I couldn’t stop laughing and pissed off but it’s like dude
you’re comedian why are you talking about this Hearts crazy there a clips of Richard Pryor where you’re like oh that feels a little you know you’re a little less on his side than that I don’t but that’s that’s a Clipper on Richard Pryor side because Milton Berle is talking about some lady in his life that he kind of went through and had this horrible impact I did he say he’s not he’s not he’s not he’s he’s sort of all the the tone of of of what he’s saying is it kind of like how I get you these kind of patting himself on the back of the about about how altruistic he has or something I can’t really read it with Richard Pryor starts laughing it’s like you you agree that it’s going to be hard to sit on that couch and then without laughing it did seem like there was like the old school
full of comedy and the new school of Comedy just butting heads and the old school was like at that moment going it’s just fighting to stay on top but it is losing the battle you know it’s like it’s time to time to back off there’s a priority Chevy Chase that is like that when they’re on The Tonight Show look like really what I did I make more money than you chubby. He’s really trying to like he’s new and he’s really trying to be on the good side of people but he doesn’t have it it’s interesting it’s like literally like they should have a frat boy meets of Street Fighter we we we we just learned or just had it confirmed recently that Richard Pryor also was was fucking and sucking what brand do and I think Brandon yeah I like what didn’t Sidney Quincy Quincy Jones
oh yeah Richard Pryor did you see the stranger things is pretty crazy last night. What do you talk about we can get them on the phone and say is this true but then Pryor’s Widow I saw that it was she was like yeah it was Richard wouldn’t even mind me confirming that he was very proud of his bisexuality I was like I never I never heard him referred to like lay quick with that label imagine she was like he loved me he loved me and that he loved the fact that he was he was he was the most famous handsome men in the industry where he talks about having sex with men I never said I’m not familiar with that it’s the second album and there’s a film is actually film footage of him young in like a
black sweater and a skull cap and he saying like it’s sucking a dick doesn’t make you gay like some kind of Gay Pride concert where he comes out and they turned on him then he walked I don’t know what the details do you remember that when I don’t remember I just remember him very early on because of saying like I grew up in a house so it’s not a big deal I’ve seen all sorts of shit took crazy
I’ll be I got to be a guy along with Freddie Mercury
Harold Ramis I know where this is going. David Lee Majors there is up there there is a category of people and keep them around they could have done us a lot of noise you were making a list of who the guys who would have sex with nervous nervous laughter the way I listed when I was just do company George Michael and who else was it Peter Dinklage I can’t remember Peter Dinklage making homophobic and now I’m not there’s not there’s nothing
I would even enjoy it
suck the dick off your body Rose
looking great as a kid nuts out of your look at him a talking to you don’t look at him and I won’t charge you a lot so don’t worry you can use a coupon from honey stop it shut out you have any I messed up with a celebrity stories so no I don’t talk to anybody but I did I was drunk at a party and I went up to Brad Dourif as it used to fucking great and blade you got to do more shit like that
anyway and walked away and I was like
and then it’s like all of a sudden like everybody in the Party 1
oh I just had like this Moment of clarity of like I was way too drunk to talk to anybody and that’s embarrassing as it is a little unrelated but it reminded me of that when I was in sweet charity in the Simi Valley Community Theater from from a baby Spencer’s house I’m sure I drove by that plays a bunch I mean at least I’m making 20-sided poops in your little diaper yeah I was only up to 8:20
Wayside a 20-sided poops in a bitch ain’t one I got a I got a triangular three days since you only got 10 sides but I am not you’re a mirror is a man with no dream and no plan but then suddenly I found sweet charity case stop no no no wait so is sweet charity one of those where Fade up they sing until the very end they’re like
Miss charity, I don’t know what day it is I don’t know who I am I wish I was The Prince of Egypt the prince of wonder why he thinks this episodes about walked in and just kept his wife out and made me question reality I was in sweet charity at Simi Valley Community I went to the I went to the wrap party at which was it just
at someone’s house in Simi Valley and I are doing karaoke in the living room which was three feet from the house is only bathroom and I went into it and I took the worst and who is show it was like is that gross the irony is you got to take it you can’t keep it in a reason that it was a horrible experience I just the entire house I left it destroyed the party and I left cuz I’m like I’m not going to hang out here smells like fucking I think everybody left right
you can see people singing karaoke and just being like swinging on their jackets
it was just give me light candles
give me light Sweet Home Alabama candles do you make eye contact with anybody as you leave I know not as nice as I was wondering like it maybe it’s maybe it’s one of those things where only I can smell it because it’s mine like it’s like a Tumblr like I got captured and right it’s 911 Halloween where are you a Ghostbuster
and you had like eight you just as Peter Venkman and and you had to go cuz he had a really cool I helped a little bit we were working on our Halloween costumes for it was back when we did go Halloween costumes they make me a great approach proton pack the morning of I get a call I’m woken up by by you saying
please don’t laugh I’m super constipated can you get me some medicine and you can’t laugh and I just went and you were so mad like shut up stop laughing I need you to help me right now I was at I was at Atkins for did you just ate nothing during which I lost track of how little I had to share it and and and because his actions and your you gain control over your life you’re not that hungry cuz there’s no blood sugar and like you just you just you just you just fucking you got the bull by the horns that you’re walking walking Walking Tall losing weight like left and right and then and then and then I went into the bottom of the time to poop pill I got to poop and it was like it was just a God I think people warned me about this I I don’t think I’ve had any fluids for 3 I don’t know what I’ve been eating and I haven’t been paying attention.
see I just said it was like wow wow that’s sharp it was like a baseball made of stalactites like it was like a you know those kind of my little does he know those Naval mines in under the ocean that’s what it felt like it would seem like a pipe cleaner but that sounds nice. You don’t see mine.
The pipe cleaners are soft at the brush in a pipe cleaner Dan Harmon
read this before we did find some games going you can’t you have to go and get me some medicine cuz I’m I can’t get out of I can’t get I can’t believe the apartment was Bates hasn’t been invented yet I will I die I’d love to be a part of this of course I will go to Rite-Aid and buy you everything and I and I bought so much stuff I think it was because I could go up to people and see what’s the best medicine
when you are constipated it’s not for me it’s going to take 2 days really for it to kick in and I was like okay so I take come back I got it says that like one tablet says it’s going to take 2 days to take take a picture that we got a Halloween party tonight we party night and you’re dating this new girl that you really like and she’s throwing it at her house you’re you’re dressed up as a Ghostbuster I’m going to be a little green man Jeff Davis is Snow White where really we went out we went all out there’s going to be a great big fun night Raw going to do drugs and jump around and you you got your your your your it’s this isn’t supposed to have a bad time I’m going to have a bad time so I want to help you out here so it says one pill is going to take 2 days well okay we don’t have today sweetheart
okay so you’re going to have to take at least like 4 or 5 the no no no no no it’s the worst going to happen you shit that’s the problem that’s it you just did what’s the worst thing is going to happen you shit a lot why did we buy this shit you’re going to feel so much better okay like you were dancing around Ghostbusters 2 that is a still not Jed and then all of a sudden
body and then goes down on top of the softball sized turd that’s lodged in your rectum and turns that soft it’s it’s it’s what it does do is it it it lubricates the muzzle of the gun to the point where the bullet comes out is now fireable and I shot a basketball of diamond shit into I think I I think I cracked the ceramic it it it it it was and then learned what was happening under that cork yeah for the last 6 hours which was Loch Ness was it was a Kennedy autopsy it was it is crazy that the body will how should we say it will betray you
because it will be a cork which is what led to led to this constipation with the court and then behind the cork is this fine Rich wine by soon as you pop the cork you think to yourself I’m popcorn and drink this wine can be such a party with a big that’s why I know you pop the Cork and the wine makes you wish you have more cork yeah yeah I wanted my cork back your Victory you’re essentially a victim of yourself and then you got to wonder is this thing going to flash I don’t even know what do I do what is that what you did at the karaoke party review leave the party’s walk out as good luck a jumpsuit correct
I was yeah I guess I was I had my I had sleeves around my knees and and and a proton pack next to a okay but fun it would be a very wait wait we really never record the moments that we should form our life
probably going to go I’ll have like Black Mirror like like you know John taxi around and just like beep personal camera now when they get those batteries up that be crazy just have people like you know live blogging their whole lives from like a an autonomous drone that’s filming him I’d be fucking will a little insect size drone I think it’s like the cameras like a little box and then the quad rotors or just this really thin things that goes out of the box since maybe I don’t know this felt quadrotors Brandon do you have any celebrity stories every opportunity to get to meet a celebrity that’s why I mostly do animation now for the Ashton Kushner and that that is Ed involves fucking A lot of people are they probably love that so you know that that was that was pretty awful nightmare
this is going to go way bad I don’t know what were we thinking was it was there anything that went like there was like Mackenzie Phillips is like a fucking ruin you and you fucking ruin you just garbage cans are not for sale get the fuck out why would you make me think I was pregnant that’s not funny shit I’ve been trying for 3 months Mackenzie Phillips yeah once we Punk Stockard Channing
you know I’m so old republic baby cakes
Mackenzie I saw how old is Minnie Pearl on Hee Haw we told Estelle Getty that we had her house keys and we did not bring down some soft stairs
it’s okay these stairs are soft look I’m pushing on it so it’s going to be okay I’m going to shove Ben Vereen down the stairs for a second he’s going to think he’s going to break his neck when he hits the stairs I thought I thought the prank was that been worried that the stairs are soft and then you swap them out for hard stairs pizza after he saw the footage Cooter Brown Shoe that was Flip Wilson and Jeff Goldblum
ten-speed and brown shoe Google that shitt you fucking Millennial cyborgs at look it up know why should we are we are going to I don’t know are we I got a select few I don’t think Spencer is in any shape 2D or D yeah I’m fucking blasted other Jeff going to be gone for a while so that’s certainly no reason not to play D&D because he was trying to wait for Jeff to come back to play D&D cuz that motherfukers it’s just bailed yeah well that’s the thing is like what that’s why you can’t stop it’s cuz I don’t give a fuck yeah it’s hard to just don’t accept to promise from Jeff Davis I pissed off lin-manuel Miranda only shit Manuel on Twitter you know that that ponytail to prodigy
damn I got longer there at my hair cuz I really like you don’t like the way you don’t like you I threw away my shot shots fired get him was so yeah I know it’s just someone tagged them on on Twitter when I was when I was on Twitter and so he was like
he like followed me on Twitter really quick and then he saw the thing I said about Hamilton which was not nice and did you say come on it’s not nice yeah I was like this place seems not nice at lin-manuel Miranda take things seriously what did you say seriously now you’re being aggressive and and it’s not nice and you’re shouting again so stop it no don’t tell me what to say okay say nothing okay
I got them all right it wasn’t nice and it was something that he was upset by presumably so then he followed me and then saw the thing and then you unfollowed man is like yeah you know it’s not as good as a Dan Harmon rap but I hope someday you’ll will check it out and hopefully I wrote it and then I just got I got caught in the cross-fire and it was a it was a whole it was a whole math Loretta was was on me rather Unforgettable and so then not super later after I don’t know it was it was a good deal after that but we would never interacted since I’ve never seen Hamilton whatever we’re doing this live read at the star Burns castle and some some some young 17 year old punk talk short hair pom poms comes rolling up to rrb
back door are you knocking on the door until I open it up and I see this young punk and I’m like oh hey are you with this show you know because I’m not going to just be all like you know members only cuz I’m a nice guy but still the mood was you don’t belong here you know even though I was cordial about it and he had a friend with them and so is like these kids think that’s the back door whatever and you know turns out lin-manuel Randy doesn’t have a ponytail anymore and so I was like yeah and I was like oh and then so he’s like yeah yeah and I was like all what’s your name and Glenn and soul in is a fucking the name any Dan Harmon fan would have just a normal fucking weird weirdo name and I’m like oh Lynn and then so I I kind of slowly and awkwardly boss to let them in and then he’s with his friend and then and then he can tell that I haven’t like I’m still like my guards up or like I don’t know what’s happening I said he can tell I haven’t clock that it’s him
and then he pulled his hand out to shake me and shake my hand and it was like my legs are off the floor and he starts wrapping to the Rhythm they have the shaking he throws me a way like he wouldn’t have done to his shot the second love with a reference on the same concept any way he shakes my hand then he’s like I’m a huge huge fan in right in that moment I’m like he’s lin-manuel Miranda and then I’m like and I was like thank you and then like I kind of just turn immediately Wick because it’s just awkward and so it’s like now this is me not recognizing him and then hit turning his praise of me and to just completely blank him and not returning any prayers are being like Oh my God thank you so much it said hi crazy and then that’s the end of that interaction for the whole night and it says like this guy must think I’m the biggest piece of shit on the plants like the most Petty weird aloof guy
do you know who you were embarrassed you are a no shit this is lin-manuel and in your embarrassment you did a just a quick turn but he didn’t know you were embarrassed so he like actually process that is oh you said I said something nice about you and I was like thanks and you moved yeah I was like that’s that’s how I would have process if I lied to me I like it amazing if I broke mr. Rogers truly there’s not a lot of better people than be on the wrong side of unsquad Blue Apron is teeming with Airbnb all this month with honey. Calm to do
beautiful coupons for that reminds me of a story about somebody who is his famous but I know that I had an exchange was it was just as awkward as that one I was at Gelson’s shopping for groceries and Tim Heidecker this is years ago like right after the Sarah Silverman program got canceled and I see Tim and at the time at the time like mr. or not mr. of the Tim & Eric’s awesome show great job was still on the air and I loved it and I still love it every time I saw Tim and Eric I would go I love your stuff I’m a big fan of it until I see Tim and and I was like this season’s been great fuckingawesome really cool I just just such a big fan you are such an inspiration is that, thanks so much and he leans in and he says
condolences on the show
and here’s to an end he saying condolences on the show because Sarah Silverman program just got cancelled
but I thought when he leaned in and sit whispered it almost to me because he’s hip comedian Tim Heidecker I thought he said
after I said I love the show I love you show any liens in a I thought he said Ken Dolan’s is on the show
holyshit who’s Kendall and sounds familiar I should one of the Monkees I did yeah I should probably know that I don’t want him to think I’m a square so I’m just going to be positive about it and I went it’s a man so fat that you have to lower your voice yeah yeah weed lock $10 where is and so he’s he’s he’s leaving and saying condolences on your shower it’s got a Thinkin Alicia. I don’t want to think like a square so I’m going to spend this positive and I go cool
with a thumbs up so he it from his point of view and I go I know you looked at me like anybody would and walked away you know and it wasn’t until I was halfway home driving in the car and condolences on the shelf and I haven’t had a chance to I should have called him up I should have drove to his house I said I thought you said $10 outside shower so if I did say condolence and you didn’t know where what you would have pretended like you did so you thought you were cool that’s reasonable that’s keep get that yuck
what kind of Heather’s kind of gross trying to be something you’re not with her like tell everybody tomorrow you won’t you won’t be involved anymore their reindeer games look at baby lick it okay for you Monday morning when I tell everybody that you don’t know who Kendall into his Rob tribe
Zoro roronoa Zoro Fox given the option
should we I mean among our options are what time is it now
all right I’ll goes that’s one option for the night sorted that should save me see how who who are we boycotting this week do I pay for your Uber no no no normal for me instigating
I can’t remember I know it’s important to take somebody is arrogant and full of themselves is just riding a high streak right now to just put me in my place I know it’s important to just like a hey buddy I remember you remember your friends buddy we want to watch this one is being nice and this is what’s acceptable on a stick
I do you know I know I know it’s important we happy syndrome I know it what year did make it less funny to pick on you it’s funny it’s like a pinata pinata was like stop hitting me it’s like there’s an hour would be even better holyshit holyshit the triggered pinata don’t hit me that’s not horrible thing that you think like if a sentient thing was saying stop hitting me that that would want you bake you want to hit it more yeah and what if you bleed also and cry like if she could scream when you kill them but I may have an idea that you were making sweaters and I was just like
we could do it I’m down to do it I just wanted to tell that story that I had earlier that’s the only reason why I know it’s a I do want you to stand strong on the way you feel about Hamilton because I do think that even lin-manuel understands how you feel he’s he’s a he’s a fan of rap but I also think he understands that what he’s doing is sanitized rap very clever not knocking what were you know I don’t want to I don’t know why why why didn’t someone give this Guy Emanuele for how to rap better because this is some crap music
and it just says rap so I think you might have left the sea somewhere often. The word Welcome to our notice there’s no pee in it let’s keep it that way I don’t know if that was a warning to him just from your experience as a camp counselor but oh well this guy loves rap this guy is a big rat Fanatics to school looks like what are you looking at
play Action Bronson over here
play bastard know the Godfather Mario Pizza you guys are talking about
Jazzy Jeff real I’m okay. I mean I’m sure people liked it I just the wrap seem to be off meter and it’s like they’re your apps it needs to be the meter is all truth and wrap so if you’re like I have a banana and my friends from Panama then it’s like well that doesn’t really I mean set that is the issue is that it is proficient it is clever it is a wonderful piece but rap maybe not poetry Sher poetry sure I like the the British
Kingdom singing to America you’ll be back that part they were right by Rick Rubin damn that was killing me this motherfuker look like
I like it when Hamilton’s mom does the song you’re talking about it and you ever well you’re talking about it that means it’s good if a billboard gets your attention is doing what it should don’t complain about graphic design you’re a kid from Milwaukee and you’re all mine I birth you out of my vagina and I will make you mediocre if I can like the mom in Pink Floyd’s The Wall it was my arms I love mitigating
grading rating
I guess I like Hamilton now yeah where you going to do with the rest of your week what about tomorrow aspirin Minecraft I got a 48 jobs to do
and a bitch ain’t one bomb thank you call back nature nature looks like gentlemen the comedy team of demorge and Levy
do more gently free services for 20 years
don’t ever believe
good morning and leave a fucking right here you need to get the live broadcast $5 a month ago
you’re fuking right now fucking and loving it or didn’t think that would work better than anyone with Sprint I haven’t worn a tie is regulating over in a while and third-degree I would have her leg like I wore a fucking Thai what am I like this Wednesday and not on the weekend on the weekend weekend before the birthday what are you going to do when your weekend birthday party on Friday night and then Saturday when I do a shot some simple thing to talk about
I know all that was like a week before I got so much stuff to me before but then today my friend’s house I can grab and Molly Evan had a crab boil crawfish boil Mountain just corn and sold like this member and crabs I just like I just like I went to unlock always so it was my buddy Scott and shellfish yeah, yeah they all get shipped in your life when you see the devastation the school you know like they are all alive in a bag
kind of in a bag and put it in a dump all these are living creatures in a strainer look I know I but I’m witnessing it okay that is why are you looking at I know you’re on my team I got you thank you but they don’t want to be on top of each other why do you think they’re trying to get it but I don’t know how I’ll be on my way there happy there’s like a hundred of them in there all moving around but it’s like body in a fight and then they get put in a pot of boiling water and corn
didn’t feel anything anything 10 minutes later they take the the strainer out and then they just dumped like a hundred corpses on this table and there’s all these all these people died at the rabies shot the shit tracked it looks like it’s like less than an inch of me in that thing and I didn’t smell good and then it just like hundreds of corpses on the table I mean epic epic epic rap what are you there yeah cuz I’m like it’s been a lot of a lot of death.
no they were like we getting it
stop being such a bummer Steve
I was just like I did nothing for me to do anything with it is it’s a ridiculous thing that we still do that that’s not a lot of meat maybe a weekend where does birthday let him eat Crab Zone oh yeah I’m sorry Waffle House Waffle House
marshmallow on top of a top of you guys being a black gentleman where was literally the one Jewish guy is like telling us that shellfish are gross and I knew you felt that way I mean like I’d seen pictures of Jews piled up like that before. Yeah suck me up man. These were more moral than people who eat shellfish wow bra
is what you’re saying well I’m sure the Nazis had to do think that the Jews were animals in order to do horrible things to do or did they thought they were humans and they had to turn them mentally they had to process that they were less than them in order to do horrible things to them I’m never going to I’m never going to tell you that maybe you shouldn’t be here right vegetarian and an investment I will stop it anything else
why did party was great just a dance party with Ricky Carmona and DJ moist room that we had all the back room to the best part was the main Friday nights a big dance night in that bar a little to the right and the main DJ was was there doing whatever he want to be anything like we’ll be like Brazil Brazil beat and everybody was just coming into the room the little room for the party so we were stacked up I meant to point the DJ the main dude a jet ski in our party just standing around his arms crossed when what why is this and when I went out to talk to him there was nobody at the front room everybody’s just in our You Want To Hear What I Hear in my head when I hear a New Jack Swing as a genre like what it sounds like oh I’m sure yes
panties in a bucket of dreams for me
I didn’t really had enough new Jack’s to that but also it wasn’t so I’m so bored all right well happy birthday I’m trying to take a look like word play to do with your name and birthday or at like little are you going to turn up two more. How did it so easy for people to protest something like guns or or political stuff but I don’t know how to do it and making it the Salient point it just makes the people dig and more with what they want to do instead of but maybe if they’re there they don’t I mean I think we’re all reasonably mature if not aging decrepit world-weary men that that are perfectly with
to have some you know what it is it’s guilt for living a certain way and then and waking up and going oh my god what have I been doing if I myself were they went there we wouldn’t let me know part of the part of the very profound crime of carnivorous lifestyle is that is truly mainstream to the point where no one ever has to talk about it so much as like gay rights or anything looks like like like like big there’s the oppression is sounds like silence so you know I don’t like like no one talking about it at all so what do you supposed to do except say stuff and yeah it’s a it’s a it’s a it’s a nut it’s an unenviable position to be the person that brings it up because the incentive would be to not do that because oh I want people to like me which is like saying it tastes good try to strike a balance I think. I think I like that I have a friend who represents that view and I do I perceive myself as hovering around that
Kevin Smith told me he he went vegetarian or vegan cuz he just had his heart attack and you know and everybody’s like some kind of a heart attack in a good friend Kelsey Abbott is is vegetarian I said hey we’re going to go to Korean barbecue it’s it’s great you know come along cuz you’re fun and it’s always fun and I like you too it’s just you said Koreans are human being you know they not really
she was like I don’t really you know she’s trying to be cool about it and I went oh God and I made her feel bad about it and I’ve now I guess you felt bad cuz it it to speak out and it was a corny phrase speak out but it it’s the reason the reason why it’s good and healthy for you to say stuff is the same reason why people might like smack you down when I was a smoker same thing smoker culture somebody says you should quit smoking yeah we make fun of the non-smokers telling it trying to help us because we are always were drawn to these cigarettes that is a part of a religion that we’re like you go fuc Yourself by drinking I don’t like I don’t like I don’t like people being sanctimonious and telling me but you know if I was truly confident and Bubba blah I like I should be I should let it just be part of my world if I know that I love drinking and I and I know why or whatever and I don’t have a single inkling of like oh maybe I should quit drinking then I wouldn’t upset me when I was 16 year old twit
whose life is untested and who has never tasted real pain that you know every time I self-effacing Lee comment on my trademark boozing you know humorlessly suggest that I that I’m an unhappy person or blah blah blah I’m like no you’re a transparently joyless little fucking Mongrel like Lightyear you’re a broke Petty judgmental little shit face and you’re talking to a middle-aged millionaire I am I allowed to self abuse I’m I’m 30 years ahead of you I’ll figure it out I’m probably going to like learn more shit before you cuz I’m old I’m dying to his foster kids 10 year old Garden you fucking know-it-all hologram Pokemon fucking hoverboard nose pierced ass hole that that probably just can’t hold their liquor like gold good just go do some kind of meaning to eat my balls all right
yeah I mean I was like maybe I should stop eating meat and I think about that all the time but I don’t want yeah yeah so many anti-aging board is happiness on his birthday it’s a it’s important I mean he’s part of a system of Oppression is Legoland
just come here to talk about.
And you took a stand feel good about that I’m against happiness someone needs to say it you’re against happiness yeah
down with Joy we are closing in on this episode we got about 10 minutes to see how you want to spend it I keep trying a short in the episodes by like 5 minutes week until they’re like 90 minutes and then like Boston as Rob pointed out he should we take Rob to Boston at let’s go to buy it would be Boston and then Long Island the next day the most adults are free to travel around the country yeah that’s do you have your guests lined up already for Boston and let me secrets we usually don’t do guests on the road not usually right sometimes I know I’m kidding
The Wilbur Theater I hear we’re almost sold out almost all So Long Island another big announcement were very close to closing the deal where we will have an audience again June 4th also if I don’t know if you care to Saturday night so Monday when you go to work after Sunday you miserable and Monday it’s Tuesday evening ready to party Monday night the M is for marvelous
what’s the n stand for Blue Apron nut sauce what we used to be on Mondays right there was a Tuesday’s it was Monday is back in the day and then we went Sunday and it’s like we could be sure anytime we wanted we could be here at 3 a.m. on Friday to record these somebody told me that Saturdays and Fridays are like bad nights for comedy in terms of live audience in Saturday’s a great Fridays are rough okay because people are tired so you know the myth is Friday second show is the worst show you’ll do all week is Pete cuz who’s tired it’s Friday night at work that’s why the Groundlings the Gravely second show is always either either cooking with gas for the new shows that the discussions are trying out and then they
every comedy show in the city is going to be like fucking Friday so I can show the worst they’re really drunk by then usually too so if you jump in your car and you come straight to the comedy show right but if you are at home pre-party and then you show me the comedy show you like fuck this place Boat Show Saturday or wonderful cuz people put in their plant they know they’re doing it Saturday is okay I get it but anyways Monday night’s come on hottest night of the week you’ve had two days to get rested lunch you had your dinner you had all day to like re-engage your career you can also tell like I don’t want to do shit this week by Monday so go out Monday night and prove it
so anyway yeah we’re going to be that we will have audiences back and all the stuff like like again I’m sorry anybody ever be for thinking that there was a better idea to not have an audience that was never that I didn’t I never thought that that made the show better I hope I think what I may have been languishing in silent going like I owed and thinks this is a great idea to not be in front of an audience not really know I don’t really think it’s a good experiment because I found it beneficial to me I enjoyed it I found the good in it and now you it’s run its course and you’re ready to go back I bet you’re going to be a better person I’m going to be like a fucking LeBron LeBron LeBron
how old is Bronte Koreatown
we like to say where we’re going to be doing are we going to be late. What else is there are they going to believe it kids the Jeffrey Dahmer Amusement Maryam light the original green light blue Zoo YouTube sketch of Flavor Flav show there was a guy was like
I mean this is the gay Asian like Butler guy I think he was he was he was not white. That’s all that matters that’s all that ever matters that’s race matter he got it, he comes out and he he’s just very flamboyant than they cut to one of the contestants on the show a gun like man when he came out I was like all right what am I being punked where’s Ashton Kushner
anyways I thought you were doing like a reference to that
Kushner
the funniest unnecessary and celebrity names
The Verge as yeah I’m going to put it in your couch and I’m going to give it to you all night to the break of dawn I will love you slowly and consistently I want to sweat to the break of dawn sexually with you and making love to the dawn time in a mattress our bodies are going to entangle my penis will be inside you’ll like it you’ll say good thank you I’ll say you’re welcome with to the break of dawn and your booty and your body and your vagina and your couch with your knees and your feet I’m turned on by every part of you I’ll fuck your ear all use your hair to jerk off I’ll sit on top of you and eat pizza
I will watch you clip your toenails to the break of dawn and your booty in your life and your soul I’m going to take you downtown to my sex play so real reference to a time it’s the earliest morning that still counts as day I just don’t like fucking you it unless it’s night time so the break of dawn is unfortunately when I have to stop it’s not because I don’t want to keep doing it it’s cuz I’m a sexual vampire I don’t like doing it after the break of dawn date time and sex don’t mix so I fuck you to the break of dawn that’s it and then we’ll make plans to get together at Sunset and you keep keep doing it with your boss
in the break of dawn to the break of dawn Sarah yeah go to just wait so just redo it do with my dong you with my dad put it in your inside of you for the purpose of reproduction but it’s got to be pleasurable I hope we don’t make a baby doo doo it’s fun when we do it’s okay though because I love you till the break of dawn the Bank of China these things in North Carolina XX could not be fine I’m going to eat you out like China eight in Japanese
to the break of dawn
put it on the
my name is MC John I’m doing it at the Sunrise and I’m fucking your feet your mouth of your size I’m going to put mayonnaise on your face and then I’m going to go into outer space and put my penis in a car drive around the Sun is a star made of Hydrogen burn so brightly I thought your mom like I was Keira Knightley I did this is your thing on a pirate ship
on a pirate ship
I was born on a pirate ship if you hold your tongue it sounds like eyelash it you can trick people into saying it on the playground in that 1976 I pee pee in your Coke. Fuck your mama like a bolt of a wheel with a baseball card about your mama not too hard I did it stopped real gentle I fucked your mom like what I was mental I went
it wasn’t offensive by sisters retarded I talked to your mom so hard I farted I floated up in the air fuck your mama then I sat in the chair watch her sleep for an hour got back on top of her Eiffel Tower is what I call him the position that I did it’s just me hit hidden
on the foot of the bed being French
and watching all that I see I see beautiful women that deserve to be equal I love the way they vote I’d like to give them maternity leave but then I’d like to make love to them to the break of dawn women should be equal but let’s also make love I have no home by home
all night long do the break of dawn play Moody Radio moody Judy Moody
what was his name but your mama felt no shame I’m proud of my fucking I like turducken I do pussy plucking but you can also me are free I want to make love to you do The Break-Up
don’t take it to moorage
what we have seen here is an example of styling and profiling on the right do I have Dan Harmon an intellectual in a Wordsmith on the left of Robert Bravo professor of some repute yes honored yes Florida also trying to do is bring to you or representation of what the break of dawn mean
how do you take a Dawn and break it do you grasp it in both hands and rip it apart you caress it until it opens gently for you do you punch it in the fucking face until it cracks practice after having done such a thing where do you pour the ingredients do you pour them all over your body all over the floor the dawn is this is an interesting time it happens in the morning that happens every day wait for yourself if you pack it up tomorrow you’ll always have Wednesday alright
play my people that you think I do a list of people I think I a star with Sarah Hill my way over to Chris Bora by I work my weakest I hope I said that correctly I work my way over to church, to do that what you always always out there making sure we we do our dad’s wrong and hoping we don’t get fired who else is here happy birthday by the way
we’ll see you next week with a with an even worse show and Rob drop
we do what we can come back next time
yeah protect your waffle houses yeah yeah
yeah
oh yeah
yeah oh yeah
oh yeah
I know I don’t care
Supernatural yes