Episode: 294 – A Gold Medallion

Episode

Episode: 294 – A Gold Medallion

Description

Andy Kindler and Brandon Johnson join us to discuss their feelings on Kombucha and social media. Dan explores a career as a cover song musician. Featuring Dan Harmon, Brandon Johnson, Spencer Crittenden and Andy Kindler.

Transcript

play the fisherman welcome to harmontown at the lovely Dynasty theater my name is Brandon Johnson I’m sitting in for the lovely and beautiful Jeff Davis please make some noise for him we miss him touch me fucking job up prank game
don’t get mad cuz I can’t not too extraordinary
Breaking Benjamin Until condition in here it’s so much hotter wherever you are but it’s super hot because tonight we got Dan Harmon the mayor of harmontown
thank you
thank you for coming
thank you Brandy Johnson guest comptroller yo yo yo yo yo
yo yo yo yo
rapping on the beat
literally on the beat
I’m stepping on the beach my literary Nest can’t be beat
I’m rapping
on the beat and my name is M C Street and I wrap with some beats a plate of them they’re called Beats
rapping on the beat
wrapping from the street
can’t be beat these beats per minute can’t be beat thank you
it is kind of going to be more of a musical night if it will be out I mean wait wait
oh God start pack tonight I’ve been working and I buy play a workout mix while I work out and I work out to the beat and Instagram started doing this TV thing because of what you were doing probably but also so I think that kicked in like a new hire wave of copyright detection or something so my workouts when I work out a loan and the train is not there like talking over stuff and that’s right around the Foo Fighters like some a I think it’s triggered we’re going to shuts off and it likes to spend my Instagram feed so I thought you know what I mean like music based off your workout because that’s what people do
I don’t know it you know I did I mention it’s just play music really quickly and there was nothing anybody could do about it and we laughed at him and we call him Metallica in the background of my party because the robots are like better able to recognize music that Shazam technology represents computers are able to pick up on a Cyndi Lauper song on the background of a bar and I think that’s what’s happening is that they just it must be certain bands cuz I always start with the Rocky theme and I guess nobody gives a fuck
it’s about a type of music if you can see the type of music hip-hop all day long my playlist I guess they’re probably the most like I don’t know what the adjectives would be like like the label or something like this late anyways like I
get mad and go fuck you old man I’m entitled to steal your music like if I’m broadcasting on Instagram of the workout songs and I am starting to I’m going to use GarageBand to make sound alikes basically I can’t wait neither did I think they would agree was costing them money unless unless I
Fighters Foo Fighters inspired this song and I just took broadcast that
use the regular song know I love the Foo Fighters I want to
shrubs impression of Justin Roiland
who’s Rob shrubs yeah so I don’t know let’s see so according to Levy if I if I just
hit this
and then that and then airserver okay yeah am I not supposed to say that out loud now everyone can now everyone could probably definitely look at this new technology
but y’all can’t but y’all can bail me out of jail okay if you cannot play the video from my thing but I usually start with X going to give it to you or I tried start with the Rocky theme which again I think he’s like I mean I just got the beats per minute you know and is it playing
now they should be able to hear it now is this your version of X going to give it to you
is it so you guys aren’t able to airplay it I can just do it on the speakers on the device yeah that might work
that’s the thing is if I can get the run time for X going to give it to you tonight we can record in time for my workout tomorrow well let’s do it that sounds like a good angle sure every princess they’re like oh well they’re already here so so surprised that no one in the audience just yelled it out
no no I like that I mean it’s it would have been useful now but it on the whole it would have been terrible if they did that
oh shit and it doesn’t sound like I can give it to you I have like this informant is it supposed to not sound like it cuz it’s amazing at that
don’t get it
don’t get it twisted this rap shit
is hard
giving it to you he’s about pretty sure he’s taking it back
want some money for me you can’t have it
I worked hard for it
what you going to say when someone works this hard for money if you somehow you don’t get any I get it all you want to talk to somebody to talk to my tears
okay well we can do the rest with our guests up for that make it sound different I couldn’t tell the difference between you and him
my eye my dog Harley like who he barks at cartoon dogs on the TV and Danny DeVito and I swear to God that I don’t like late and the like damn I should be so stoked about that right people like I told a dog like he’s in the dogs and I like trying to fuck his batsuit Batman came home and Alfred was like a spot of bother you while you were gone I’m just cleaning the guano of the shoulder pads of your month to battle armor why is that how do I speak to me in that affected Gravois
why why Alfred what’s going on for a female bat
well I don’t see gender so that’s awesome
ancient Greek scientist was he one of his highest accomplishments that he would brag about the most is that he wants me to Statue of Hercules so realistic that Hercules threw a rock at it because that is what you do if you saw you attack my story like lately just just just having nothing but contempt for these like people that look better than you
I came out here to pop it then you know you made a little video over the weekend or was that their back video Oh you mean the thing in the job
you really own people
our friend our old friend our young but old friend Mr Andy Kindler
Andy tendler
do you sit in chairs
definition of someone that’s a classic
Gary what you Mike Douglas
my favorite line of all time like you in the midst of one of my spiralizer they like what am I what am I
who am I the where who am I the guy who says what am I what am I what am I what am I this guy this guy I was not talking about that lately she doesn’t know what I’m talking about the Presbyterian in the back in the front and the Catholic guy is starting up the scooter this is kind of Rickles life
how do you drink a how do you drink this even when I do stand up there like a nice stool
tables do yeah it’s ridiculous
don’t care
Babies R Us
don’t have a place to put my goddamn drink I’m not saying one’s worse I like one cable news today talking about things we hate right there’s nothing wrong with that really the Democrats that made it impossible for you to put your drink down and it wasn’t the show just carrying through the rules I won’t say I always say
Democrat Party because I’m Franklin said it was a good tactic all the time then they’re like they’re so evil and their program so even if they just accept these things that they won’t say the Democratic party they only will say the Democrat Party because Democratic party would make it sound as if their Democratic but Democrat Party it doesn’t even work really over there trying to signal that you are a like a horrible human being and it’s like it’s not like we believe that the Democratic was actually gaining any ground but they’re just like spraying a little ant poison like in that area is a Frank Luntz did though he thought it was I’m a little raspy tonight I’m not it’s not doing I work as a Rod Stewart impersonator normal are
I can’t do the whole thing
he finally broke his silence on the whole urban legend cuz when you hear the words Rod Stewart what’s the first thing you think of if you’re over I could get the rumors I know out of my head. That way I don’t even want to get the things I’ve heard that I wish I could on here but they said there
bad guy because some people are into parishes and I’m not saying he was did Rod Stewart sailing Hospital appendix out so that does nobody started the story about gerbils based on that and when I say gerbils I really mean Gorbals about it drops into a shirt at the Navy and then he and his concert he fainted on stage and they rushed to the hospital they pumped into the numbers get really specific about the number of courts or ounces of semen or urine that they pumped out of his stomach I think with the lab and everyone knows this
is really enjoying rumor because there was no energy or babysitter when they were washing their Camaro like that was the only way you got any information about the world and that was the internet it was like I would come on
what song is this I don’t want to shake down take down there everybody want to know what I Walk of Life
Shakedown Shakedown Shakedown Street Demon is a medical emergency it’s not just like it’s not just like you don’t want to lay down like you you need to go to the hospital that’s concert wake up
oh no oh no sorry I’m not feeling well sorry
so he already can’t get it on a 400 he kind of has me doing a gay homophobic kind of joke that was a shock
do you want the room or float for a long time ago so we know yeah the guy that started that rumor was my publicist said he got pissed off at me because I fired him because for like really pervy creepy reasons like he had like sex with a group E in the room that Rod Stewart’s underage daughter was sleeping in a hotel room like he found out that was his way of getting back at me and you got to admit he was good at his job
everyone knows is a drink to him and he’s a fucking genius I would I’m not I would never commit suicide but if if real people really thought of me every time you thought of me that’s the guy who drank the same and I know can’t believe any of these people live after these rumors
that he would do that confident enough to just be like
what what are you doing love I’m reading the paper Governor baby don’t be with me some news love oh well you know I don’t know if you want to hear all the news today cheeky Robbie baby how you doing how you doing British people couple in there it must be like to be a burp
I want to see me mr. She was Edith Edith from All in the Family how many bees are just in the post to or everywhere
Famous Footwear
Pikachu cards and semen well I would like to update that about the suicide thing I wouldn’t commit suicide if if maybe I was Rod Stewart has that kind of self-esteem and we wouldn’t even fucking blank we’re just like Words when’s my next to her out there again I want to try a clown’s anytime soon as part of us I don’t know if you drink semen and then you run
subject was Blue the subject of Saturday subject-object I work a T & T V clean
put that means nobody’s working we don’t know what I mean what do you think made him finally cuz the guy died and where did you see it
just like a like a
Vanity Fair on a rolling stone I don’t know sorry I hope it wasn’t a real like a real Nothing But True Crime and don’t worry about it I’m not I’m not committing True Crimes I have OCD so I think I might so you I have did I commit do you know that I live I live in Citrus Heights I worked as a comedian Citrus Heights at the same time. With the Golden State killer and I right
did I lie help him and I don’t remember did I you know how when you’re young something sounds like a good idea then you get there till I get amnesia like a 70s TV show and I don’t remember
True Crime 2
here’s a beer some Miss I would like to like it but it’s just like
except it is true like sometimes you just want to be the person to disrupt it yeah if your if your child. I like the one thing that every parent knows to do like there are some parents who will go to the airport and shoot the guy that that that that killed their kid by the airport do it why why the airport why they have I was I was thinking too when you can just go to the courtroom then there’s been a death row and visit the killer and education in a courtroom that is a good aspect of Christianity
going to see the killer of my loved one but I thought you make it sound like it’s a romance novel
what is Buck up settings for chopping and slicing them what is a ginseng
the judging panel yeah what’s the pill you’re not supposed to do is bury your kid everyone agrees on that okay so can we just hang out a little bit your kid just died and it is strictly darwinian sense aren’t you killing it like aren’t you like like like should one person just like be at the funeral and be like hey. My kid over here
I’m winning I’m so good at life I’m fucking get things out of me like I have my fucking god over here why is why is it why is it kind of excited now but that makes you generate you you failed because you were supposed to make that person live till I give birth and so you couldn’t do that right isn’t that like worse
frogs feel that way frogs don’t feel that was just playing Dungeons and Dragons like we’re getting close
we’re kind of scheming The Edge I didn’t say it would be I didn’t say it would be a popular new craze that we should all run out and do people like a mighty people that invent like robot bugs and stuff and they they go and then what I like to do is I like to notice what everyone’s assuming and then disrupt that assumption like you never know a lot a lot of those things shouldn’t be disrupted I think we found one I did not catching on the idea of bragging about outliving your children untapped Market what is the what is the application of of saying about outliving their children how does that help you I totally forgot I’m on adderal during the day I’m on Prozac at night
but recently
a band to do with the vapor Vaporeon oh yeah I just woke up Zayn by remember what I just said cuz I don’t remember it
answer the question like what would be the application
2 year old woman
I can imagine it as a man first of all that’s his that’s his backwards way of telling people how old am look I know how this guy works I’ve seen these guys were so shocked my whole life for 60 year old woman what the fuck are you saying to me that I wish I was 16 not only that you’re making this like I know what you’re doing here five years and this is as an older person I won’t be able to handle this I’ll put this down here I’ll I’ll go forward if I could I don’t know that I could use that to you couldn’t remember what I was saying it cut it was good with you every step of the way you wouldn’t be able to remember not tomorrow
what do you think what did I drive plus
God bless
what’s this mirror in spirituality base I was just thinking about telling people what would be the practical application of of outliving your kids as like a joke a joke about it and now is I can’t remember the joke to the camp I can’t be any possible I could make with that setup it would have to be to have to be a joke
being a sixty-year-old woman I’m saying he’s pointing out to the fact that I am indeed the same age range as the character you’re talkin about except my sister gender is now I don’t know what I’m saying
and I am a 60 year old man and I’m down at the other end of The Honky Tonk and like then you gets handed a drink and the bartender says that’s on the gentleman down there he wants you to know he’s still virile that he outlives his children cowboy hat and then we could for one line dancing I get to know you over a shimmy Timmy
I thought I remember the line when I meant to say was
if you have a can you go out living your kid is the worst thing
so that’s not great to do it if when someone dies do you say them hey least you’re not one of those that live in your kids situations right sister wife
someone’s wife dies right so sorry to hear about Astor would be a Jew woman so sorry your problem you did to my right that’s the right so you know why no more no more nagging am I right fellas from these two guys bonding I don’t know if it’s after your wife yeah why is 1234 this guy’s password mr. Big Shot
mister mister I have the greatest best in the business is Van Halen’s jump
Van Halen this is Van Halen’s jump but it’s my I cannot be sued
are there words I thought maybe lyrics
jump jump jump
Van Halen Jump
Jump Up in the Air
bear what’s that you got to jump again you got to jump on
get off the ground with both feet at the same time if you jam
you’ve avoided catchy you avoid catching the whole time Beyonce so far nothing’s been patchy you were going to get sued

you got to get that show, but I can’t remember any part of Jump fair use
that was weak I’m very sorry about that was pretty close to you might want to change a couple more things about you might as well jump how I hear that advise why aren’t you jumping so much I turn everything into a Jewish song that make $1000000 one day with my Jewish versions of pop songs. Journey Anyway You Want It All right
some kind of similar to The Last Song
anyway you want it that’s the way you can tell me where you wanted
anyway you want it you’re going to get it just the way you want it if you are receiving is the way that you want it cuz that’s how I give it
hey I heard you wanted something maybe I could be of service how badly do you want it to you but the way in which I give it to you is of most note most known as new shows
show about anyway you want it that’s the way you need it anyway you want anyway anyway you want it
that’s racist dude
all right if you want it delivered if you want to pick take out anyway you wanted no pickles no onions no problem I’m always thinking about something commercial
cashew in Cashew that’s what I’ve said to you many times Harmon Harmon Harmon traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually know when this is that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast Adventure in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through the New Black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes would like to my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit embarrassed and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Black Cinema what Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
how is it how’s it going on I left Twitter how’s it going on Twitter why I don’t make eye contact anymore if I know think I’m razor blade in apple Andy I know you blocked me seven years ago after I said I was going to come over and stab you why did why did you do that why do you do with a joke right right
I don’t even care you know and I’m not going to shake my king in any but I got what I wanted I don’t care but like I just I just the front lawn of my head with a tiny cane that I’m technically we can cuz I’m scratching my head with it it’s a little bits of splitting the difference when you shaking my cane at the you said that just like also just being acquiesce and I’m like shaking a chain to scratch my head or tail umbrella or something like that how is blocking you me doing something to you late like it went in real life that’s all you can ever if I can do to somebody that you don’t like and still be civil is like not talk to them and I want to hear they’re both walk away like how is that not apply to the fucking internet where everyone is hanging out together lately and you any
by Howard Harrison Ford Jeep blocked me for what what you said the reaction to getting blocked his leg is late is like someone stun baton do you like like like Harrison Ford Airport to jail that’s all I care about is in his he going to jail and it is Phil Spector still in jail that’s all I care about and what’s the deal is Robert Blake is he out and out and out in out in vitello’s
what happened with Robert by God he was acquitted wasn’t he was acquitted going to ask Miss I think Robert Blake I got too much Vanity Fair confidential investigation discovery as if you should check into me and see what I’ve got planned on saying why is he watching so much
I should be concerned it’s like best way to poison random people near you suffer so the best thing is to discover most of the shows are very good and some of the shows are on these other things like the reals is really like cheesy or people so how did you I think the vanity Fair’s pretty good when did for nothing on my Act
continue like I don’t I don’t get a lot of response from these folks about this but I think people think I’m the weirdo for mounting this campaign why why do we accept forensically the word panties like Wyatt why is it that when woman’s or especially little girls underwear are found at crime scenes we have to call them panties how is that scientific like they like their underwear like like like you know why do we see dr. Henry Lee love them but he says panties in that thick like forensic accents a side seam is staying on panty and and and and if I could stop saying panties stop it again creepy as you see that blood on her pant do a joke about how I like to wear the panties and I realized
don’t go don’t you that it shouldn’t be a joke you should be supported for that I went on a CSI audition I went to see SI this is my most embarrassing I’m not bragging like an hour
missed your call back and here’s me on a mission High I get it you don’t think I can act again what is the part is like I’m saying something funny now can’t you just accept it won’t start I’ll be funny to me so I’m embarrassing story but it really shouldn’t be embarrassing this was a a part where a guy on CSI Miami maybe something he likes to collect used women’s panties this is the part I was going out for
oh cuz I was trying at you got to give it a shot Andy keep your light under a bushel
Jeff Davis says that a lot. I hated that I hated the the guy who wouldn’t want to collect women’s panties I hated that it’s not like I can fall in love with a guy that play it so this is an actual true story with the addition before me I hear four different part I hear is if the guy has broken the wall I actually texted my my agent says it was that sound and he says that’s the sound of someone getting a part Andy that’s what it is. He’s right so I go in there because the character that is supposedly the dead looking for seven people that day Dad characters at the end of the beginning of the creepy you’re in the finals because like
the cattle call for the pedophile or like the pedophile they’re seeing next after they see the cop panties or whatever this is
pizza pocket lazy your guy is so lazy they look at me after it I didn’t fucking right this thing
you wrote the stick
Teamster seems all too comfortable with his liking to collect women’s bathrooms I wouldn’t relaxed I’d be like give me some of those panties you’re hired headline would be too close to the bone out of the park with his performance on CSI London never want to see that headline
you never want to see that you like that I like those panties and stuff what was out in verse red shirt guy and a sex crime episode like there’s always the guy they catch first you like lives in a boiler room and has a shoebox full of like socks for the public is like not be the kill the actual killer the actual killer is like ripped from the headlines as I can so I can pick it up when I watch a a million hours of the I can’t watch anymore because I hate Trump so much so just watch hours and hours and hours of these case files and adults
is what it what what what is it about truth why I have OCD
and I’m place please withhold your sympathy
I have severe I can’t get anyone to be upset about my Comics do I do I can’t smoke weed I get paranoid like they don’t even they’re like what do you mean like you think aliens are after you you’ll find out what paranoia everybody’s going to listen I didn’t I’m just saying like it sounds like gibberish some of the stuff that you say you’re past forty like I can’t think of other stuff hot diggity Diggity 23 skidoo I never knew what that meant and now I looked it up and you know what it means it’s it’s exactly why my parents left my grandparents left Eastern Europe it means get out while the getting is good they were leaving the Nazis
is it is it is it the 1923 Skidoo is that it’s a that’s what I thought but I’m not that hot dude dude dude 2023 seconds into your act if you haven’t gotten a laugh like just like fucking
I always love her I always did think it was 1923 so I’m not exactly I wouldn’t call myself bright
who wants to play parlor game no I’m not going to win your fucking parlor game I’ll be the best middle of the pack or just the fact the game night I don’t even know what I’m saying it’s probably wonderful show this is a new mate look I don’t like what you’re doing but keep doing it and I started I heard multiple times it’s pretty good like like like that kind of surprised a little pretty good
I just I might where’s my car it seem to have like a Miller Lite commercial tone do it like I just felt like people were kind of over the over the tippy
I like my comedy grounded
hey I just realized after how long it been on here that I can put the drink over here and they say they say I don’t have they say I’m not going to have an Einstein Vibe so I came up with the theory of relativity he was unable to come up with the unified field Theory
okay the next song in my workout is Beck’s dreams Beck’s dreams
Steve what the hell work we tried that is that
can you go to play music now and see if it works using AirPlay you may notice a delay okay let’s see
but sounds like it is real Kanye Castaways
so you recognize this is his extremes
dreams
and I don’t know it’s on this doesn’t sound very much like dreams
not a fan of this
can I check it I just try it without the
the airplane
I don’t want to get anybody fired but
turn up turn up her back on everyone Flyers
are we going to hear those drums at all honey I got a tiny little drummer in about maybe it was like what is a clearly disc the song, I love your dreams and you will see, maybe live in my dreams well I’ve got a special bed for you but you don’t need one cuz you’re in a dream it’s really a bad for me so I can be with you in my dreams it’s a special bird
theremin sound
theremin sound
well you know it’s it’s fits more original music than you usually get in an episode I don’t know you do a lot of wraps you pretty much and plus you know Zac Zac drops out you know so I can provide us with Beats I’ve been working on the railroad type things where you you don’t have to pay for the rights and then you just I’ve been working on the railroad all the livelong day I’ll be working on the railroad by Jesse Powell.
every song back in those days.
I like I like that and then I wrote high-quality crowd on the fence like that he played one he played knick-knack on my drum everybody
Andy what do you use what do you think what do you think is the first like a sign from the stuff that’s already happened what do you think is the going to be the what’s the big sign you’re waiting for dreading that really for real the worst parts of you were right about everything the this is it the country of sliding into a fascist nightmare what’s the what’s the real fucking like Rubicon that I would say
if he says tomorrow be kristallnacht address of collusion with Crystal no I did not tell people to break the windows is no proof of that
you jump all over by use of the word kristallnacht be good to try to take away from their disastrous ratings watching each other what what a bunch of losses that the Jews to pay for the camps I apologize that’s prepare material material I think I’m worried now and I actually think but I like dream about my mother every night I just love Mueller and it’s like I just think Mel is going to save the day I have predicted for a long time I’ve been wrong so often that people don’t even return my calls anymore
I think by the end of summer he’s going to be out of office cuz he will resign
definitely be a criminal finding of some kind and definitions are there will be massive malfeasance tantamount possibly even two International criminology certainly money laundering Dirty Money terrible things but that’s just going to kick off the nation’s now been divided down the middle on one side you kind of used to be like there was a freak Fringe who are the people that like Sandy Hook well get me in a corner there that’s probably fake and it’s like they shook hands with the devil at that point like but we always thought that was like 5% of the country is a loaf of bread right down the middle and it was like half and half and like it seems like half of the country’s like going to go molars going to go so as you can see from these photos of him stealing mine
out of a safe with Abe Lincoln’s head on it and handing it to a man Russian man dressed like Snidely Whiplash and exchanging your hand jobs with him and then coming on to an 11 year old
nnnn everyone just going to go bad news and and and there’s a chance that’s going to have a butt but I think it’s going to happen is I believe every single thing that they have said about him is true like absolutely had whatever that thing with the pee tapes are and happened
can we actually flip anybody. Because if you see I’m saying if they’re on the same day here’s the P tape here’s that has money from the Russians paid for 12 abortions. I mean it’s like I think the stuff we know about them is the good stuff you know
I’ll just be such a mountain of Victor it’s still a matter of scale that we haven’t crossed this tipping but I feel like I’m Through the Looking-Glass where it’s not it doesn’t nothing you might be right and I’m like I said look at my track record horrible
what is yours dance do you have one to do I have a like a moment that I’m dreading anything where it’s like where I have to be that guy in the beginning of Inglourious Basterds whose like has to choose between looking down at the floorboards and not like like like like I have to serve tea to a dude and if I can ice vest who is like they’re for someone that’s like you know who done great work on my palm trees or something on it. Who is who came to me in tears and was like I don’t we don’t speak a lot but I’m fucking like I’m terrified and and I and I was like what you hang out like I’ll build a fake wall I put some Rick and Morty art on it and how do you say you would have put up the you would have broke the Franks
I had to choose between say whether or not I’m a good person that I would just be that I tend to get into situations right be like yeah I don’t want to be a piece of shit and then and then yeah I’m worried about being tested I’m worried about it I’m worried about like seeing shit out my window or the door bell ringing and like like the rubber meeting any kind of road the road being my with a place where my spine should be well I think you have to have a absolutely have to have a one of the bookcase that’s what the swivels have to have that and I’m trying to write this joke all day today I am I
I thought you said get us safe room but you got to save that safeword now I’m out $20,000
but if it’s puts its you have to imagine me as a worm you know
yeah yeah I’m a big deal I like the panties sure sure hey
who does this play Hey There used women’s panties what’s not to like
scriptures you have a moment of panic yeah the molar verdicts going to come back and then like they’re going to be like if you support the president don’t enforce the law and then they won’t and that’ll be the reichstag moment and then that’ll be the moment at which you know effectively Civil War has begun or you know suppression officials sinks and oppression will start and then yeah I don’t know that that’s going to happen but I feel like that’s going to be the real turning point because you’re not going to say oh no nothing happens
there’s a part of my brain that wants the mother to find nothing man I want folks I don’t want to I don’t want to depress you people make it out of this where they said Trump is like if Hitler couldn’t find Poland on a map right
I have with me I have enough for Dad cyanide tonight
I keep telling you and Ian Kinsler will not stay up there to grab one of these lozenges
58 cyanide that’s just I’m sorry I’m sorry about the over there now I’m from polish mostly hey I just want to say whoever said this was going to be good let me down the wrong way
I told you I’m always early but hate this seems to be no free lunch with sugar you’re saying what you people say oh I have a sprig of avocado in my water and oh I have a soda dispenser you’re fooling yourself the other people are there not for the mic for some friends of mine said they had that sewing machine they loved it and now that’s what’s in my fridge it’s what’s better than water but it’s not. My fridge isn’t full of Diet Coke anymore and it’s right kind of feel like it’s like you retrain your brain to considered other Dumb and Dumber shit a tree that’s kind of War
I didn’t mean yeah yeah I mean I feel better when I realize that I haven’t had a Diet Coke in a long time. What is that shit is it just it just Seltzer right now
it’s never happened this conversation I’m making up a person that’s bad for you
the app that you have to be you have to be 60 years old I guess the laugh of that joke which would be like what is this Prop 13 something like that that age. That’s marijuana right Prop 13 property taxes because old people had to pay a lot of money for this would you pay this money for a thing I know I’m look I picked about a half hour ago but that kid ourselves ourselves I’m just trying to keep up
it’s hard to know when the show is doing a bad one I just never am I right as well as 30 30 years in try something
do you have do I have to do anything to make this movement forward anything yes anything so I buy 60 of boots with me and my friend you ever thought I’m not plugging it where is not so fast is the best buddy cutting into our nothing patreon we haven’t yet I keep saying as a running joke this how good my podcast is as a running joke I say pay wall every week that funny or what is just two Jews but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done why
you know I’m sure you relate every week you feel differently right of the sound at nerdmelt like I miss that place every day and when you’re doing it like this is like unmistakably there’s a membrane between me and these people I can’t look them look at them and I can’t I don’t know there’s something psychologically there’s like a wall of Jell-O this is harder to feel the connection I mean I I’m in serious love with many of these people is there any but nice hamster in series Love Is there anybody here who has a father all right now look
yeah because there is that the vibe right now he divided the second in the area rug performer should come out in like like do a little seventh Veil dance and then they’re seated intimately but I feel like we’re talking into megaphones and I that’s what these people if I have to talk to a megaphone to get you people to know if your ass is about climate warm warming is a warming plate Theater Arts Theatres built to have no mic slay like you shouldn’t be able to do like a little a little play up here a little hotter
the problem with theaters I found my experience that people expect a show and then they come see me and I’m whinging I’m whining I’m sweating I’m going to plan on asking how much time is left and that’s not what happens when you go see Bill in the name of a current the play this would be funny here right
you what you want chips and Feathers when you get Footlights you want to smell the greasepaint you want to I’m not saying I can do that that’s from Chorus Line drawing reference
Kappa rent 7500 minutes in the second 3000 you turn anything into Fiddler on the Roof
you can do
try not to turn on to try not to the problems that upset you started to believe the things they say of you
talk of God is true
it’s hard. It’s hard to watch a show for the first time. Spend the next six weeks I love him I was amazing written by Jews right that’s what it is and and the other guy right
problems at UPS or we’re going to get copyrighted
but use your version online right
I still at 2:00 to 3:00 all the way back then there’s Only the Young by hard to see I promise where are you
Only the Young can say they’re afraid of Fly Away the movie with Matthew Modine Only the Young can say I can’t leave the key you don’t do Beats I thought you had on there it’s like there’s a drummer
then I get home from work at 6 I got to come here and thought maybe you would do no I thought maybe step aside Casio sound from the seventies Harmon’s back Doctor Rhythm like effects rivermist remember the mister microphone commercial tell me you remember something from my generation or is it something that you just heard about the latter I mean I’ve heard about him but we both know Knight Rider
my dad passed my time how about that is that like is that a backwards compliment or is it a prank
in what should you eat
burying your children possibly work and I was like imagine you’re a sixty-year-old woman and I was like trying to find a little
your it may be a widow like you lost your first husband like a snow blower accident and like and then there’s this like like like like like fella does Sam Elliott felon down at the other end he’s got his old hat and then like the bartender says that’s from that fella and he’s like I just want you to know better be careful with me of two of my children Want To Dance come on take me away to The Honky Tonk dream
I don’t know why it has to happen in Rural America I guess it just doesn’t seem like something fucking kids that like oh yeah kids are dying at a higher rate than when we were kids congratulations on let’s go joke about in the parking lot when I started comedy well I had to do I had to walk 20 miles to get to the center of a joke
and then another 20 miles to the punchline
these kids today and they don’t know with the long hair in the rock and roll their house is in the village though
they will not see me stopping here to watch their Woods fill up with snow David Frost David Frost
I knew I was a one-off is this that’s how many miles to go before you made us memorize in high school it was at 1 and it wasn’t he the wall guy to jump something there is that doesn’t love a wall that sends frozen-ground-swell under it I think that’s I think that’s what’s his pants Sandburg what grade
what what grade 11 I did not even go to the 11th grade dropout rate so I was wondering what kind of public school system you had
legit watch out for 11 watch out for 11th grade dude
are you part of that come by for lunch
Pocahontas boys everybody knows about y’all where did he grow up to be I have a doctorate in
I’m just you’re right your brother rather than finish what did he grow up to be a father of a nice I’ll never meet again so he’s graduating from the guy at the
running down here on your disco feed father of my niece I’ll never never meet guitar
Robert Winslow
his brother Robert
he’s that he’s the most talented guy in accounting Robert Winslow

famous brother Michael Winslow but come on years old now just doing to your helicopter Thing by the copy machine amazing artist a URL you guys are watching he was the original midi putting up a rapper
I’m going to rub my fingernails on some pinecones later
the new microphone and 1000 you can hear here
yeah keep writing in and asking to hear sucking and kissing sounds
this isn’t about that wait don’t don’t you just I just type in ASMR kissing I’m like come on let me know what you mean
but it also said it was thinking about it a taxing and going to cuddle
Frigidaire like weird words and like you get they have special microphones that and you can have special earphones that like trigger like Cody said she like she’s cheap the others there’s there’s some people say this a thing you have like like like you have a sense of tell you watch the video and then you have the thing I’m like yeah I know that’s the thing you don’t you don’t get like normal people don’t respond but the people who are sensitive to it they have they called braingasm so it’s like they call him brain what there’s different terms but yeah that was my first pick up line
would you like to have a braingasm
I’m trying to think of why I’ll get it after everything I say people are like passing out from laughter in the garage is getting worse
I’m worried about a worried about being too happy
I don’t know if that’s a topic that is really like I work for I go in at 10 and then I’m like weird and it’s just like everybody’s like where am I think about it and then like 5:00 comes and it’s like well what we did twice as much as we wanted to do I’m going to go home and then it’s like a light out and I’m going to driving home and leave my car is driving itself cuz I think I got a Tesla and it’s like an alarm time out
I just let it drive home today like it was like driving and then I was like to take your hands off the steering wheel I would never leave the house the fuck is it in that car it just drives but it doesn’t it doesn’t like it doesn’t like turn on cruise control but Stan Lane Mineral when it is not like a you can’t it won’t link take you home to check the land how much does a truck going it’s Dusk Till a guy I like yeah but he was like watching The Lion King in leg because they call it they call it autopilot which makes you think so it’s not a pilot. It’s not it’s not control
his tragedy happened but now The Pedestrian thing you just wasn’t paying attention because he was about this part of his like the old lady with a coffee from McDonald’s that they said there was there was like Facebook video of the guy like asking for it you know like that the guy was like
even like like like like like we figure out how do you like blame the baby like we are a sick sick like people into a car I close my Rick and Morty about you build it or did you take what’s on the color and then I was like Moonstone River Brock and then like like I’m sorry
and then the pit in the hood has like just a hole in it like you can put like Luggage in the front cuz sometimes a battery and then yeah that’s what you know what I mean
he was but he will feel like now that he’s like he made these submarines you hear about these submarines you’ve been off. And you hear about these summary of it’s very they got a towel they start tomorrow back up to get the other four kids. And they got trapped underwater like in a air pocket and they sent their sending teams to rescue in Elon Musk is leg what if we had these tiny submarines what did he get in there cuz I know he’s currently still testing as far as I understand because they’re waiting for the shipment of the tiny submarine thing and they and they missed a chance know that he I think he was just like as a thought exercise just like here’s what would work but you know I don’t think it’s not for the Rico
say again Oye would do some stuff right now and it didn’t really say it wasn’t a huge change
nothing much longer I got that monkey is coming it’s bad is unbelievable Chilean miners whenever they were pumping water out of this cave fashion is coming into bringing oxygen oxygen and where I spent my early and
I have no idea where anything is
I don’t even know where they are you’re welcome
how are you with road rage what do you mean like not for the do you get road rage it’s like don’t like I check my my fear of like being the reason someone Hawks is like crippling so I must have the car you’re driving a general that’s why I was happy to not drive for what 6 years how long were you driving to your room and take the Prius you painted it lime green like like she it was a beautiful beautiful little little buggy was more hers than mine so and then I was like you take it I’m going to get it I’m going to get a fucking fancy car next
like and then I was like I can’t afford a fancy car just got divorced in and waited like a long time and then it has like my next car is going to be fancier than than the last one I had just waited and waited and waited what was my point why you got this one because it’s a playground every time I get in the car cuz when I used to drive an entrance
I agree about disappointing people like cutting people off in like like again being the reason someone honks it drives me crazy like if somebody if I’m like I almost hit you and then they’re like
I guess I wouldn’t know when I was a kid like a guy I guess I cut a guy off and and he he he he was he did that he liked her finger and it was like I’m sorry and then he was just like a fuck you and then you got in front of me and then I just followed him for 40 minutes
so like I said like I said or can you never stopped because I was like 20 years old that was like I would like honk my horn but I wouldn’t like lay on it and then flip the guy off and mouthed the words fuck you cuz for all that guy knows I could be a psycho for all he knows I could be a psycho maybe I am a psycho by what’s the difference between a psycho and a normal person doesn’t if a normal person lays on their horn and mouse fuck you in spite of clearly being unable to physically take you like
I had nothing to do for the rest of his day I just want the end the end the guy over that got the guy came to a stop sign and there was a car between us he had managed one car between it sounded like County Highway and he weren’t Victory is filled out ran the stop sign and like almost got hit by another car as he likes pain away and I was like
but as Ike’s dad still I’m still behind you and he just like he just kept going off into the fucking country he was headed for Canada and I was so proud of myself I just eventually like I waited for her to get over a hill and then I was like slow down and did something right today it sounds like yes yes yes if you had an experience because that guy if he gets road rage like I did something wrong I’m behind the wheel of a car like I made a mistake that was discourteous to him I didn’t check I didn’t see him or something I did something wrong but but you know like also though the reason I did it wrong it’s probably because they didn’t have my full bring it say click heat the time he spent like turning his head 90�� and yelling Yak you and I are not exactly worshipful of the safety of the roads
when the mood takes you you’ll pay attention to all manner of things like you’re driving into oncoming traffic so that you can flip me off like you’re the Dukes of Hazzard so yeah I did the right thing that I changed a man I see my way differently I probably saved the kid’s life you you are a hero will never know and I think of Heroes I think of you I have OCD because the worst thing about OCD and I didn’t know this when I first got OCT but if you look it up in front of the main symptoms as you think you may have hit somebody in your car and I have two exactly same as alcoholism
same symptoms I have that
every morning
we’re fine this guy is making submarines that can rescue kids from caves
you don’t think he’s got my back
what will you remedy since you’re so happy what’s the remedy why did I just noticed that I think that I will self-destruct like I don’t like guys like you she said yeah I’ll be interesting like guys like you you you you half of you on average like you go and be happy and then the other half of you like put on some slippers and drink yourself to death what happened she knows if that’s going to make me go I’ll show you she was kind of enticing you did you say slippers
I would if she hadn’t said that then I would have thought I’m not going to be this who’s this other guy like but the slippers drove it home it was like like I really just like oh I’m wearing slippers I fucking did it I’m Joe Walsh in the Life of Illusion and I like I’m fucking you know that the Eagles Joe Walsh horrible Joe Walsh body does 185
and now I don’t drive
look I didn’t come here tonight telling you I was knock you out with my voice my voice is that a bit
what are you
it’s Rod Stewart how many quarts are come if you had to drink tonight
you know that’s the thing
I the only reason I know that I dried semen is because I I tried I was going to see if I don’t know have I had semen I’ve had some of the kombucha how do you pronounce it’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard you take it it’s off it’s ruined it’s all ready for my garbage garbage
I am I get it these kids they got to they don’t they they they come into a world where we tell him there’s two flavors of corn syrup and then they know that they had to do something to Rebelle think they couldn’t just be like we’ll have water like they had to figure out a new things to do with fruit tall is all we left though but there’s only so many ways to be hit for when you come into The Orwells like th a Coke and Pepsi Chrome always with the interspace vending machines with two kinds of drink owned by one company they’re like that you’re making me see through the game bending machines are getting really good that’s why they have apps now you don’t have to deal with the gross money have you been to Horn & hardart
I just want to put on the oldest person in the room in the 50s how to store a vending machine is a plastic is a of a of a structure that has little holes and you put money in it like this old man suit for you and then
why don’t you people meet more old people can’t let it go the old references when you get your learn something
Subway is there a guy on the other side there’s like a cafeteria on the other side and then they’re like oh let’s put in a new bowl in this window
I waited that, like you’re supposed to be living in the magic of I can’t believe it I put a straining them it’s like a big yes I think I did put it in like a regular vending machine my memory of it is that somebody had orange juice
I can’t believe it’s in the song It’s a song from the hit show are you know that I went to see hair this is how old is all hang out I was 12 years old in 68 and when I went to see hair and I was wearing a double-breasted jacket with a medallion on and it was the original Broadway cast and we got separated from the group and got mugged my father.
Am I say mother I don’t mean beating up I mean held up with knives and guns out of hair and me and Jeff Stein are walking and and you’re like we don’t even need her school lets being alone oh I realize the therapy now it was really that responsibility
you forgiving yourself you’re blaming yourself for Monday night at 12 every every every time I think of it I feel shame until I realized he is a junior high class goes into Manhattan someone should be watching out
where you able to replace this battalion
I could be missing a few stories because my sixth grade my sixth-grade the only problem ever went to was in sixth grade we didn’t graduate from high school it was cool to not do anything fun we like losers but I wore double-breasted suit I wore gold medallion were you and your grape juice all over my did you say where you a pimp
I’m 12 years old trying to get tickets to her I love your dancing hey Ya
camping thank you I’m not ostentatious about it I I wear one of these at a time I have several many years in a row don’t care where the bitches come from I got to go Battalion for pimping I wish I had to see a think of a maybe one of your grandparents were hippies 1968 and they had these things like medallions know it’s like a pain it’s like a it’s like a gold medallion with a red white and blue ribbon
u.s. silver metal and in the fourth grade leprechaun gold was out silver was in usually for losing was it with so big little is big was it real gold cute so I gave you that
actual real gold medallion for your trip and your grandmother your parents were Joan Collins give me a give me give me my Facebook please your phone
seriously get the hell out we go back out then another guy comes up he’s got to cut he’s got and I don’t like this
go to hotel
hotels at the hotel. You haven’t had enough the hotel lobby it was 42nd and 8th Hotel Dixie I just faxed and they the moral of the story was I was so scared to call my parents I literally would have died if my friend Jeff didn’t call his parents cuz I didn’t want to tell them that I got into this predicament and I never found out where your parents reaction would be nice going schmuck
baby will outlive you exactly what kind of parent would do down there to stab you myself is going around getting almost stabbed with the other red carpet leading you to the exit there’s a Lobby full of people
bike going what does schmendrick like a schmuck but it’s more horizontal
right now I want to show me someone knows this the shoe Mill
play fossil does what he’ll be back with the worst kind of stories of all time the Naval Academy and what is the difference between a mule and a
how’s your show planning on including any characters that are proud to serve in your country’s military thank you very much wish Mark it’s those pots a lot of words for penis it’s like a like a well whatever I already
it sounds like a like there’s a little bit of a mensch in a shin Ashman Drake like he’s at he’s not a snore snore snore he’s like that’s the guy who you want your pot examples that gave you to learn these words to attack your sister’s wedding oh gotcha LOL remember that from the fucking Sumeria to Mary
hey it wasn’t easy growing up ashkenaz like my friends
Crystal Moselle
hello
you know what I’m saying
which recorded kind of person are you call Lori through the whole show we don’t have to do shit at this point we nailed it right we don’t have to go out on a we do always close to the AMC gun control we don’t have any when I was in the interstate and we didn’t have they say what’s wrong I say that’s why they died
I got confused about my name I feel like my name should be honest but I’m in control
yeah yeah I am see that picture click click clack clack tens all around that you were aware of them the dangerous motherfuker yeah Banks Banks Banks
again and control 47 is the most devastating weapon in the known universe
once again
Wichita except it has become explain the joke and you can do something better than deconstruct over the back seat as well but I never know about the moon change we like what I said about yeah I was thinking about changing my name is that cool I would have written the bed as
is it very hard I swear I think it’s pack of gun-control I shouldn’t question it but I have a part of me maybe it’s the part of me
animated wanted perfect my best to get it I see why you can’t tell what I’m not supposed to know is there music this guy Stuart cornfeld that works for Ben Stiller things like like like Being John Malkovich was being written and in and we were doing our run silver bit & heat vision and Jack like Meadow was Metta was still being constructed
and there was so they were often a lot of conversations it would like producers about like what what is it on purpose or we going to like you’re talking about tonalite with with with like medical comedy and then Stuart cornfeld would say kiss doesn’t get the joke and make it was he had an anecdote of a Gene Simmons like looking at every Union poster that someone had drawn up for a kiss like reunions show in the 90s and it was like kind of like whatever the graphic designer had like gone like. Or with it I guess it’s like like maybe made it like to joke and a shorthand for no hero
we believe the keys feature be acting as hard out in this like silly thing like like he should try another another story that adds to the legend of the genius of Gene Simmons you don’t want you to hear that Terry Gross interview with him I want to I want in a revolver like either the Garry Shandling a Ricky Gervais interview that we can we talk to incredible play guy that guy wow that’s all I can think of a man needs a gun
like I need a hole in the head America needs a gun like it needs is a good person with a hole in their head
how do I personalize my credit auto loan on a home loan at buy a good person
devastating weapons
MC bum awareness that if he loved them thank you
Bad Santa
DanTDM pictures
you got you or their country
Auto-Tune
bad ants in different boys
Aunt Sandy
BB gun pictures
play Blues in a junkyard
piano playing wipe out a lot of people
Dempsey gun-control it’s me your father John control come home and mow the lawn
grounded
I hate rock and roll station
unilaterally
just get home and mow the lawn I’m not going to ask you twice I’m going to fuck you up with my fists real nice
Beat Street breakdown ammo
it’s like you and I really should be back at school
Oh I thought you hate you hate that guy
I love my dad
what do I have left.
I love you too son
Ant-Man pictures
rainbow
I’m here brother I know
and see gun control has no self-control I got you back
How can I
that’s what it is and I show there
what’s his agenda show what I think it’s funny that noise I can thanks Andy what a balance but it’s always Jeff Davis a speedy recovery we miss you so much I want your favorite colors
Spencer Crittenden
thanks for getting mastering the first booth
how to spell guinea pig
are you what’s been going on in the world

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