Episode: 328 – Jeff’s Joke Corner

Episode

Episode: 328 – Jeff’s Joke Corner

Description

Jeff Davis’s joke corner! A walrus walks into a whorehouse… Also, the return of roleplaying with guest Steve Levy! Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis, Spencer Crittenden and Steve Levy.

Transcript

how do y’all
big plans in the house churches in the house
hello buddy I’m just saying there’s a comptroller Hermantown come downtown when they is it pretentious heroin and get stabbed District of Los Angeles county is now in session let’s bring our game master extraordinaire
hello Spencer what’s up what it is man I got the couch back his name is Daniel Anastasia Harmon
damn
liver damage
is it easy for a child trying to reach the sunlight even though
Spirits while should be should be pretty easy to reach Sun live if your while I didn’t know I had a note session with nothing in it
feels train what is that even mean tripe that’s just a thing that damn this feels overwrought
I’m 17
it’s a creative writing class
I should be overwrought I don’t know how to take that note it sounds like
hello Daniel compared to these days which I imagine like you kids you probably didn’t have a school paper or you probably have like a school text the school Emoji Emoji
you fucking robots I’m not blaming you I feel bad for you I didn’t make my school paper but I had one and we had like deadlines and we have thought you would have been like editor-in-chief of your school paper that’s not true there were better workers the hard workers and they were people more respected they were better poets or better writers that I was but I love working at the school paper I just wanted Glory I wanted to see realized Spencer hell yeah so wake you up cereal I’m awake I’m just behind everyone else new way of saying hi
she didn’t get that big laugh I am not I am not feeling good tonight you like I’m proud of you being high oh yeah me too I know I’m loving it I’m just not on my game love how high you are proud of you son oh yeah the Boston where I didn’t smoke much every time I come back for a trip that’s the highest I’ve ever been is the best why were you in Boston there’s this thing called packs I guess there’s a bunch of them I just wants closer apparently but how to want to Boston you play games if I had any forethought at all it would have been in insane how is a Pax compared to a Gen Con I’ve never been to junk on I want to do that too but I don’t know it was just weird.
nerve is anything because it was it was kind of like Comic-Con just with a convention for you know but then a good third of the space was just like long tables and chairs they were just full of people playing fucking bored
it was crazy there’s so much game playing I’ve just never seen I mean there’s all these cons we been on it’s like check out what’s on Fox and then it’s like the cosplay Brigade or whatever but it’s like it’s all this thing you know it’s all just kind of like this weird artifice or marketing or whatever but like this is just people doing doing games it was interesting when I was your age Ulysses S Grant was President United States blood was enough in comic books and I’ll be like over here to sign a comic book and then you’d walk around a bit like God damn this place has a lot of people selling comic books by Ann, but maybe you’d like a sword and the answer is yeah
the science journal church and he got killed by police because I think he fucked up a couple of cops with a sword oh yeah it in a Scientology church that what you call him haha
Englewood sucked up for a lot of reasons but if you’re going to fuck it have a sore throat down I like that it is Scientology event you know I hope the police learned their lesson that along with Z new I will I will stab you or Satan’s I’m already three changes deep but yeah I can’t have you doing that why you’re so there’s no guess this is it this is Mike can I think you could be
recent some expensive are saying about this convention where it’s like oh just came from the old days early 90s like 90 395 like I remember being a Comic-Con and like selling and buying comic books at a big boxes and everyone’s like it’s just, kind and yeah there was a ton of shit that wasn’t, cuz I’m not I don’t I’m not going to like be an old-timer that like pretends and you know it, but the exhibit floor like the day that was like the PlayStation one like like kind of like like what the fuck is going on in the middle of this fucking why the hell are we having to walk around this I was like my video game decided that because technically we’re all nerds that maybe we’d be interested in Papa the rapper late like like like coming out on an Xbox or something it was like just started along with that it was like everyone’s wrong
Bruce Willis what the fuck is going on and then and then with that comes like that stuff sitting on the floor I got a bunch of comic books but you do
you don’t got what kind of books that you Bruce Willis
you fucking sit in the floor in front of him I’m going to fucking make your ass not that conversation never happened at packs they were like volunteers and they were actually really good the jobs they were very like like contextual we’re at WonderCon that was a real like all the security there was volunteer which is why a guy came up to talk about Deadpool and his friend came up to punch him in the face and then we were paid in an envelope of cash and whisked back to the hotel back to Florida again everybody videos
I was not at that show I wonder how that would have gone down if I if I had interfered in that like interference Loops what I’ve been taught is punch I’m not a martial artist I just know you wouldn’t I just think I would have made the person feel bad before they started throwing punches and people the guy who did not take a survey it was up and punched his friend in the face thing is it looked like he was going to grab a Mike until the very last second which is a semi president phenomenon unfortunately he punched his friends friends that they were friends man nothing’s a joke like everything’s your Tyler Durden your your your Robert Edwards whatever is the Hulk’s name is here
Bruce Banner
Jerry Reed
kids out of the picture you’re the kids of the Hulk it doesn’t matter to them they’re 22
22 I spent five years doing nothing but smoking weed out of a bong I made out of a syrup bottle Hell Ya fuking melted plastic I was smoking like I wasn’t even smoking weed I tested that theory I was like well maybe just a placebo yeah or you’ve been stuffing fucking burnt plastic for 5 years I like I like like Sheryl Crow sing she got cancer from the water bottles in the backseat of her car like it’s a real thing like the idea is just water soaking and plastic little and heated to this is why I can’t remember at Norton’s name
it’s not ignoring me. That’s that’s from Honeymooners what’s up its Robert Evans played yeah the name of the character that’s the actor of the new Hulk
do you know where the Hulk appears in page 71
wait say what the maid like the punk rock response he was like he was like yeah
anger
I’m not mocking Tim it sounds a lot like I owe it was good no no Mark Ruffalo write the Hulk 21 Eric Bana Henley Eric Bana don’t make Hulk movies Joss Whedon said he’s like you can’t make a whole movie The Hulk is a Marvel character the audience loves unfortunately the whole thing you could do to a DC character in the Marvel Universe the Bill Bixby was the non-hockey version of sarcastic
call Randall and his pants and playoffs and and then all the sudden he had a rope belts where did that come from because that show won an Emmy for best dramatic series on television the Hulk where where they would regularly if they had to show a close up of the Holts foot matching a gas pedal as it’s sometimes
because sometimes the whole jet me to angrily drive a car and they would show a close-up of his foot and it would it be Lou ferrigno’s foot with a little green pantyhose on it like a little boy do I have spandex pants or a Torrid in a way that like a pirate they were like three times bigger than a weird kind of way and you can tell us so what are we going to cut you in the end of an answer is usually like a second unit like if you if you can Bank this stuff like they’re like yeah we sent out the crew me shot like one of the stunt guys or whatever like we shot their foot going to the thing is like the guys like whoever it is is wearing like they’re wearing a thing that would make sense for them to wear instead of spray-painting their feet green if they’re doing like shots of them like weeping over fences or whatever but the witches like they’re wearing a green sock on their foot and it doesn’t it’s not like I mean this world of CG you don’t even know
saying like it’s just like a green tight like on your foot like there’s no toes and and I do like a close up of what are you doing in our socks commercial is that goes this is your show about the Hulk and the end the end the end the EP was like it goes into the Smithsonian television for an hour or are you sure people are going to do there’s no. What do you think people are going to record it people are going to watch it over and over again 75% of the human beings that love your show and gave you an M you’re never going to see that foot they’re going to be making a sandwich there going to be yelling at their daughter for joining the NRA
none of them knew the VCR hasn’t been invented so like back then going out of the airwaves
browser watching old TV on high-def television great digital TV changes every Knight Rider on film and then and then it got broadcast you do that than some of these old shows like they shoot it on film and then and then if they kept the shit or whatever it’s like they’ll do like Knight Rider on Blu-ray you can like watch the thing in your like home now you’re seeing shit that not only but I’m just saying even even before hi-def or you’re like oh they didn’t know Wonder Woman’s like wig would look like me I didn’t know we could see that make up cuz I didn’t have my death but I’m saying even like the they also didn’t understand the hi-def that is we would all have all media permanently stored Forever lyrics to a parade
I am going like when you throw candy don’t hit a kid in the I don’t let them show you know I don’t throw it to a kid who looks like an epiglottis might be malformed like they they were focused more on different shift because it was of the moment and now we do remember and they have it forever so keep in mind that 5 years from now you might be committing a felony
do you remember when the Harlem Globetrotters made it to Gilligan’s Island off the island like I can’t be smarter than the Harlem Globetrotters ain’t make a boat in these are these are old is Jeff everybody Wonders that but most of the segment called old TV questions oh yeah 800000 questions about Fantasy Island Yeah in our Fantasy Island reboot where where you focus more on the people that work at Fantasy Island because it’s like what the fuc for those of you who don’t know you probably have heard the lot like his I am even though I grew up
with it actually on the air but you to the mister Rorke Ricardo Montalban and his Magical Friend Herve Villechaize playing a guy named tattoo they both wear white suits and they work on this island and then come up with three people or couples and as they get off the plane mr. tattoo goes to what about them famous author JK Rowling Archie fouling you don’t like
start over 300,000 books that’s half the population of the Earth that’s correct. I’m just trying to say it’s like a 70 show I don’t know his own TV?
The huge percentage of the people that came to Fantasy Island we’re getting they all paid ostensibly I would say an exorbitant price otherwise why isn’t there a ship full of people it’s always a sea plane and people are getting off and they look rich and they’re like always best selling authors and a lot of them came there going I want to be famous or I want to be a rockstar I want to be rich I want to be respected and like a bunch of them if not all of them like it was like oh okay I guess it’s kind of fucked up that you made me get chased by a dinosaur
but now that I think of it
I just needed confidence
why
thank you fantasy fulfilled just not the one I paid for the one I needed my money back they’re always like they accidentally found out they needed to fall in love with Orson Welles or somebody late they had to thank you
I could I could have sworn I could have gone to McDonald’s with a thousand times less money that I gave you and gotten more opportunity to inspect myself but would you have hung out with Stephanie
the castle that she was always great there’s like there’s always these establishing shots it’s like you see like people as like waiters bringing coconut drinks to like people that are sitting by the side of the pool and those people came in on a seaplane like I think they’re all on a Fantasy Island you should have seaplanes the camera focuses on Friday powers and Robert something I was assuming that like you could also come to Fantasy Island on a huge City ferry from New Jersey or something I’d like to pay $80 a weekend till I can sit near rich people who were being taught that they shouldn’t need shit as much
stop yelling hey wolf listen Mister Rourke ain’t going to teach you to fucking quit limping off so cuz we didn’t pay for the Platinum package so just fucking do what I say give me a napkin I can’t wait till we’re rich enough to come to this island and and tattoo says who’s that and Mr Rudd says it’s a guy which is his wife and shut up so that you get chased by a dinosaur
yeah well I’m looking around and I ain’t seeing no dinosaurs so shut your lip drip Becca
it’s a living I was just in Atlantic City and you did a perfect impression of everybody you see all that lovely couple you fucking piece of shit talking to the girl and the girl goes out who the fuck are you you fucking in the audience was drunker than the cast which we find highly disrespectful
holyfuck Jersey audience of my hat is off to you because wow
the women smoking and talk like stevedores it’s real
but that might be part of the Marisa Tomei My Cousin Vinny true love like like I don’t know but I think I mean I like I like a dirty girl I told you the story so I know I did my little disgusting but that was my old 15 year old wants to be soiled
and I found a partner that I feel I always feel dirty or after I have sex with Cody and that’s why I am proud to give her my fucking
I’m never going to get an erection again after that
I have told the story about what the girl said that was trying to come on to Ryan and Morristown New Jersey and Morristown New Jersey it’s right nice and it’s at the Mayo something as a fancy Cedar and across the street is it nice Pub we meet somewhere tomorrow so far is Miracle Whip and we are at this Papa cross the street and Ryan and I and Greg proops and I think ship as soon we meet a gang of waitresses and they also hate you guys got to cut Cummins bar afterwards
Jersey dress and apron and a thing at our club we go to a club and it is I will never forget that we walked in Ice Ice Baby was playing and people were line dancing to it electric slide into Ice Ice Baby fuck it 1991 right now it’s great and there was a giant transgender woman all say it look like Mean Joe Greene wearing a blue cocktail dress who immediately fell in love with Ryan Stiles because he knew who you was drywall Elizabeth no there’s nothing it’s just a fucking nightmare and
just put 6 I think this guy is a head taller than the cocktail fella at the bar introduced me to him or her and said hey little lady and then
three girls follow this one girl who else I would like
flat-footed my height I’m 6 for cheap in the middle of the street just started making out with me and I hate that it was coming on to Ryan who is like the best-looking of the trio as you get a chance because I want to I want to make out with Ryan tonight I go you just told me that that guy right behind us as your fiance you know that Ryan is married and she cuz oh you got to be single the fuk guys
all right you found you found my I don’t want to go there anymore
I don’t like I don’t like your jerseys fucking insane it’s a crazy Place made of crazy play when I got to Boston like within like 3 2 hours of being there I was like I got to my hotel and I left my hotel to get dinner and just walk into a restaurant. I heard two separate people just like call other people that the f word for a gay slur and I was like wow this is yeah this is Boston okay if the two syllable version yeah yeah it was I was like wow this is it was great I mean not great you know it was boss
Boston simpler times Thursdays in Las Vegas yesterday
I was in Las Vegas that was at a place in Vegas yesterday and I’m pretty sure Philadelphia accent I can’t do a great Philadelphia accept my friendship with you you hurt me which side of the 1010 1050 thing what the fuck you want to talk about kinky Piper Monty’s
but a guy in front of me wearing a tank top on a Saturday afternoon as you do in Vegas if you are determined to never get laid sandals and tank tops and the one guy in a tank top with a with a backwards baseball cap says to the other guy in a tank top what I think was a Ford baseball cap because he does motherfuker it’s like I was up 12 Grand I’m down 12 Grand now you fucking mother fucker I’m fucking down 12th fret because I can be sure to fucking want the children walking by the beauty of Vegas is that nobody has any fucking he’ll drain fucking learned I mean I like the fact that guy had 12 Grand of throw around if you keep those kids out of that place they alternate Enduro physicists
play basically like end up 85% of them back there.
View
if your if
program that you’re wearing a tank top that’s your fault
because it’s a choice you make out say I’m adding the added cynicism that like you can’t save those kids now they’re going to turn out to be fucking idiots under a rocket and yes I guess that’s dangerous where’s the smartest place you could raise a kid like we’re surrounded and underneath a giant rock Place dummy you fucking stugotz
anyways what I was going to say to you think you was
that God damn it now I lost it again for almost there around you’re going to get about Boston and it wasn’t no no no no way way back way back
never read maybe a b or bring around talking about the Box in your head trying to visualize a warehouse instead like the Dreamcatcher movie when they went through the Halls so that you could understand it all about the concept of memory
all right I just got bummed out
there’s a character in the movie Dreamcatcher Stephen King’s dreamcatcher where that that and they in there like it’s like he couldn’t figure out what to remove from this home was just adapted people need to see it it’s words coming out of a typewriter like what do we do we got we got a committed to film if the book says they did this they got to do that if the books at the book says that if the book was three hundred Pages than the script going to be nine hundred Pages if that means that the things going to be 10 hours longer than the we can’t put it in the theater no Skeeter will will fit
release it on television there I said it
okay so dreamcatcher page script for a 10-hour event about a group of grown cops who get this in their childhood used to experience magical things that were scary that taught them that they were special in amorphous ways so that an adult hood they get together and you find your backspace key
there I said it I got drunk enough
what was your plan I wouldn’t
I have enough Integrity that I don’t ever write anything it’s 19 years tremble with the responsibility above the cheese because I know hack you never finished Monster House
I would have spent another 20 years you would never know how that house would stop being a monster
I never would have told you I would started what why does it has become a master the lady at a circus didn’t get loved enough
play Big finish that for me
the point of the movie was supposed to be don’t ask those questions like it was going to take go to the library and they bought a book and it says it was like I was like that’s great let’s just do it this way like it go to the Library part of Brooklyn is like there’s a page it’s like Abe Lincoln’s fighting a monster log cabin with a coal shovel and they’re like this has been happening since the beginning of time there’s a word for this kind of demon it’s like a property’s even if you died covered in your pop property a certain amount and it’s like a monster. It’s like if you if if if
if you’re in make Master pyramid that’s a fucking nuts your movie if they had let me finish that beautiful script I would be about on my third draft by now but they know they dragged it out of me monster pyramid I want to fucking see that immediately but there’s another reason why the house is a monster that’s not what you thought it’s because of body shaming I ate was fine with that too but it’s like I would have removed the the time-life book and I would have liked you know but I would have not written it is my point I’m here I am 46 years old like what am I trying to convince you kids up of the art or its garbage like what am I I’m a piece of shit I’m a terrible like I’m a scarecrow a living scarecrow I should be a cautionary tale to you don’t let the crows of your of your ambition
and in my corn
you should see me crucified live by my own self-imposed paralysis I wouldn’t have written this scene first came out know that was me what did you talk about
I’ll have to go back right cuz you were just a Fords
School papers yes good job guys we did it we work as a team Teamwork Makes the Dream Work
I just wanted to let you know that on my school paper
I wrote I tried to write a serialized medieval fantasy PC or something and I was like I think I wrote like two installments and just like walked away from it cuz I was like this is so long and rambling
I don’t want to do this anymore my friend used to just do like fraudulent articles in his school newspaper and would just be all like there’s a new Coke in the Pepsi machine because the Russians tried to initiate a new Red Scare or something like that is ahead of his time
I’m at that guy’s name reince priebus
thank you for my got what I got one big laugh for my dad so funny man
what what what what’s up with that Bin Laden like you haven’t heard been Latins name said by anyone like that that beat it by that that like old person like impulsive like I’m not going to fucking say the vowels are there named right the fuck is they done for me but you still say bagel instead of bagel burn in hell because they fucking injury you certainly must have heard the word Bagel more than you pronounce the word baby
just learn the word the same time everyone else did she’s watching The Towers go down she’s been laughing because Wolf Blitzer text me like what the fuck you telling me my fucking gram and she doesn’t have the option she’s dead now are you happy I am saying bagel
crazy
vinyl
I sometimes
point in my life I’ve tried to own it I tried to celebrate it I’ve tried to fucking fix it you people start ridiculous
apparently I’ll accidentally say bagel a bagel if you feel like you’re going to eat one like
play I really don’t accidentally do that sometimes because when I do that’s what this shit really flies and seventh grade never again will do do you comb your hair yeah like on accident because believe me I’m not taking fucking notes from you you fucking Immaculate piece of shit you horrible precursor to 30 years of suffering
that will culminate and it being unfashionable for me to be a victim
never thought about Hartsfield
for my career going it right when old white men aren’t fun anymore
think about what did you think about me for a second
it’s high time the white man had a platform
it’s high time we kept it so I guess is what I’ve done. I just got here
I had to work so hard getting up I don’t even know why
explain it all
you don’t want to hear from me
where you going come back
all right I’ll just buy this house over here
but you never heard the word bagel I God damn it I only ever saw it in print you grow up in a fucking fancy house like yours
Sam and Ruth are you going to put up ham and roll you to fucking debutantes are you saying that you were so deep into Wisconsin that there was no bagel shops around us but they were fucking
it’s not a regional thing okay I grew up the fucking poor and I was like you fucking didn’t show us the return
I grew up so poor wait I’m not sure where you were. They were removed from from privileged kids are going out their tonsils removed it to other the coal company that my dad work for me to grow up I just told you what I do
the really rottens do a joint top 5 help or was Dan Harmon when I when I when I got
what do you do with the paper plates probably something funny
there was hope for his uncle died and came back as a hillbilly and the doctor called it a case of reincarnation that’s so fucken poor child poor Dan’s family was promised Connection in Sacramento
are you two guys walked into a bar right there that’s all right between know what was Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common
both of the last hits was the wall heraldry heraldry any more good jokes no heraldry maybe if the Lannisters bullied you for your whole life’s been like you you were you were thrown to the wolves and that you were raised by white walkers but you decide on enough I’m going to respect you and then you were like the red head like whittling in a cave like maybe I’d let you laugh at that
if you were like that that one
I’m team Circus theme Searcy what about those sleeves honey
I don’t know whether to do this or what is it a slanket
I appreciate you guys being here it’s only right and lowercase letters I hated capitalism ducks have tail feathers
I hate because they hate capitalism
why it’s to protect their butt Quacks
I believe it’s a also have regular assholes why do they have a little bleach in your life like I can learn how to be a child again that’s just my childhood innocence but quacks like they also have butt cracks go to the Proctologist to have it inspected there but mine is more efficient and his nature is saying that God gave them tail feathers to protect their butt cracks so they don’t have to go to seek medical attention
Jeff why didn’t you call me your butt
I don’t
then why do you have a part in the middle
do you know why the toilet paper could not cross the road it keep Ian’s I got it got stuck in a crack
by the way for the record I approve of that kind of weird play I don’t laugh at it but I’m like okay that’s good and I’m fine I just a butt quack thing I’m not going to whatever Dan a friend of mine’s got a job as a security guard
and this job was his boss told him you got to watch the office and he’s on season 3 right now
11 East steam this steam train steaming but like I was going to I was going to drop the food off of an sit down for it I feel like press the button ever talk to him well I tried to call
I got one of those too
I could use a joke joke right oh no okay so I was driving down the road what was it the 5 north towards Sun Valley right and I see an ambulance and it’s it’s going Buck Wild and the back opens up and this this ice chest flies out and so I pull over and so I pull over and get it and there’s a human toe inside okay yeah I called the tow truck
okay I’m not I don’t know how to I am familiar with a set of circumstances also related to the medical community is that surround a set of circumstances that I don’t know the wording right because it seems to me that the only way to tell the joke has to repeat the same word in the setup is in the punch line that’s the part I can’t figure out his right as it doesn’t require that that’s the hard part no no no no I’m going to the doctor and just just happened and the doctor said hello how can I help you in the. Guy was like well
I like I don’t know how do I start like should you shrink me down and the doctors like what
is there any conversation I ever have in here like we don’t have that kind of Technology large bottle that I fit in and the washer please we can go on like this forever but it’s like just explain to me what’s going on is like I just I saw the sign outside your building and said vitamin B1
yeah Jess Joe Carter Gaston corner
I’m going to listen to a playback of the sound you guys just finished making
is there a lot of Victory and I got kind of Rolling Thunder like they were ready but it wasn’t like oh you suck to tell him a joke or that guy’s dumb for wanted to be a vitamin they were on the world is this

got to the point in his head he’s interpreting letters as verbs and he’s like I got it I got it because in the original Jokers like the guys I want to be a vitamin A real joke you can’t say that the guy says I want to be a vitamin of the doctor says why the guy says because the sides of vitamin B1 with the doctor would you like want you can’t use the word vitamin and be in your fucking set up and I got to be like I’m not a joke
the doctor bill I think you’re just a psychopath you’re dangerous like like lately like sir Han sir Han had like more going on like like like like and he shot a Kennedy
who’s that other jokes from the 50s like vitamin B12 signs were like so new that people were like what if this happened
vitamin advertisements we’re going to like undermine the fabric of your definition of problems are reflected growing tensions of abbreviations of the time
Sterilite call Peace Love This is a polar ice cap let me smoke that I don’t even know what these people are doing I know it’s all their fault
well I guess why you hurt me my parents they hurt you they did it we got to blame somebody
they love the Beatles and and they and they and they ruined everything
I’m not on Twitter anymore I got to like
the attorney general for anything I can’t remember his name Roseanne Roseanne Barr
wheezing at Mueller report Jeff thoughts on that it was always going to end this motherfukers going to get re-elected Mark and mark my words I don’t mean to be the voice of Jim but why do you think otherwise is Beto O’Rourke going to come save the day is about
nice fucking know yeah he’s going to win now he’s going to win now he’s not 50 bucks on him winning
we’re betting tonight when I get back I forgot it’s March Madness oh yeah her doing overtime that I don’t like something I took my suit into the dryer the dry cleaners here today I’m on the road to come again I said when I was just a little toothpaste yeah I like it I like it because she assumes that I have is all over my suit yeah. She was like I think that she is very Justified because I frequently jerk off and my suit
I love dressing like that isn’t to make other people, what is it nothing cuz you’re come
she said how do you know you don’t know what I was thinking tell the duck joke okay okay
the doctors are ruined it I ruined it
and he says I want to have sex with a sex worker but I only have a dollar and the brothel manager says then you can have this use this duck and give them a duck and he goes upstairs with the duck and he comes back down and he says that was the best sex ever I can’t believe it only cost a dollar I probably shouldn’t feedback this much
it’s filling up I want to live in a society where you should know that it’s customer satisfaction thumbs-up best dollar ever spent best sex I ever had goodbye at my name is Herman Johnson
from the from the camp from the north North Hampshire Johnson
might my branch of the family represents a bit of a black sheep but no one would sound that way on purpose
sounds like a regular Road broad comic the guy then comes back the next day the sun goes down and comes back up days other things happen to the town
this isn’t the most important thing is happening in the town but it’s just where we are and the guy comes back in and he goes I would like to have the same sex for the same price
and they’re like here’s your duck don’t say that
they say here’s they don’t say anything cuz if they do that’s five bucks it up they put but I also can’t stay
it’s going to end up being a different Tack and I I have to work around that how does it how do you do that how do they how do they know how you not refer to the drugs either the duck or a duck if he asks for the duck and they give him a chance do you have the duck I’ll have the duck again and they’re like
and they silently put a duck on the counter and he’s like
wine storage
Elvis joke you told me a minute and I’ll pay you afterward this time because even though the last time it started with me Nate me telling you how much money I had and you giving me the deck because of the price this time the transaction has changed even though I’m back for the same thing there’s an unspoken sort of like I’m good for it I’m a satisfied customer you see my Yelp review I’m not going to balk at the price I don’t expect it to change it’s been one day but thanks for the duck and the persons like they just cuz
the second is the less he knows the better
at this point so are you around are you really that bad at remembering this joke I’m telling the judge I know I know what team longer but I just like I’m I’m pointing out spots that I don’t I’m getting hung up on. Okay but I’m not like where the guy has the guys family whatever like that was a joke cuz I didn’t think I would get hung up again you just be just be just up there doesn’t matter the camera stays down here I thought he
yeah he comes back on with the duck and we now means the duck he’s holding so we’re none the wiser and now I’m going to settle my tab here’s the dollar that I paid last time for sex with the duck and the end of sex worker tender says sex worker tender welcome to the 90s bro
did the kids call it being weak
you need to get week
okay okay so the guy comes back down with the.
And the person behind the counter let’s make her a woman just because there’s been nothing but ducks and men in this story and I’m not white knighting I’m just like and also genders are contract
the duck we don’t even know we’ll never know we don’t have to know
I can’t tell if you’re doing a bit or not like I got how much of this is you just like a brothel manager Adam Vegas robbery but I don’t know why you’ll find out 5 minutes from now and then
and ears
say nothing you’ll be safe the circus that has five sentences by the way it’s good the sex trafficker a week from now right now our protagonist as we’re so he’s halfway across the room okay because he put it down as far as he settled and The Madam I mean oh and the guys like what
dollar down and they’re like it’s $5 he’s like I came here yesterday and had sex with a duck for a dollar and the manager says yeah that’s Joe Corner Jeff Joe Corner Joe corner
yes Joe, failed to protect my butt quack charge by the client’s STD it’s why is this that $5 elements of a dollar
I know now that I know that I have all that debug tell it tell it like respect pedal to the metal into my head like you’re going to kill my family here to face in your like I like I’m I’m Commissioner Gordon in lake lake lake whose kid was going to get kills the Commissioner Gordon
do you like not supplies for like I used it like it’s a whorehouse start the fun
tell me a joke what do you call a hand I can count her own eggs I just warm-up what do you call a hen that has a mass of a chicken
you are ready to talk to fucking duck joke for the first time in your life
okay the guy goes into a whorehouse where you get whores
can you go to the Madame such an ugly word Nova
you got me nervous now
I want sex tonight. I’m paying for it or I wouldn’t be here like
I can’t tell if you’re doing is your dollar dollar on my dick for a dollar and The Horde managers are Tic Tacs duck and he’s like he runs upstairs me fuck the shit out of a run back down and no change and he comes back in like a fucking hour laters ignored. Can I give him another one of their runs up he’s a fucking fucked in all the hell and it comes back out of us like the same difference like this one $5 just like that was more expensive than like it doesn’t have Maids yeah I know you two probably by the end of the speed of that one of the anger it was great I think the punchline you that you have to make it more of a
I think I like you I was imagining you like running and crossing the Finish Line in a record time it was so amazing to see you just run through that two different kind of talent like people that can like it’s like a combination of like semantics but also like this like casualness like that because semantics like are so crucial all these jokes like you could say the wrong thing the wrong way and it’s like so crucial and I’m just not used to that like I don’t that’s not my plate lately cuz it cuz every joke you tell it’s like that like they growed comic jokes they’re like it really just come down to like this like Cadence and like all of you say this new say that you say that in a certain Rhythm and I’d really don’t I don’t I can’t I always fucking up cuz it’s like the guys got to say like like they might let me know I’m obsessed with stupid jokes and I love when people tell me when I be at The Reincarnation of an ism is a great joke
what’s the date of that guy who goes to a well he doesn’t go to anybody hits his wife a flying start by the way if if if my first draft that is too long at the beginning that’s doesn’t like you can just edit that I mean not in the podcast I mean whatever it’s not a failure is my point like it’s me working tell me a joke that says goes to a helper in a society like whatever I don’t know if it’s like a sex coach or something like I don’t know who you go to for this
there’s a woman that goes it’s your husband
no wager he goes to everyone’s heard this joke she goes to a sexual Mentor I don’t know I don’t know where you went there but thank you know but it’s still a little problematic
date did the excess like I am my husband’s not having sex with me and I want to encourage that more than just courage it like magnificent and adventurous and involving different outfits and you know like that you know I’m not telling you to dial it up but like at the same time like sometimes just a little distance from from the from the process can like like your husband I’m just telling you like like like like maybe maybe sex needs to become adventurous again it needs to become more of an adventure for line joke
so then because based on almost anybody know how long it took for RoboCop to become a Robocop
this is a crazy or story than that that guy just got shot I could say that fast does this guy want to be a cop and then he was like too much of a cowboy cop so he put himself In Harm’s Way but he didn’t know the corporations that were running the cops like actually we’re placing high-risk candidates a different districts according to their needs for a donor AKA a half dead body I mean long story short disguise part of like a back-up plan like a pork barrel like law enforcement plan of the corporation that really is pumping all their money just think I’ll be at 2:09 which is the urban pacification think it’s a joke like our hero has Sun based on the show TJ laser like he ends up an old Detroit and he’s like dead or alive you’re coming with me they shoot is going to die in this fucking shit with these people that want to have sex so bad that they get an outfits like Lake I mean
set a reminder that but like this woman you’re trying to not go there
I’m just telling you this movie would be longer than RoboCop she goes home she gets into a I can’t use the word because you can’t use the punch line was like she gets into an outfit like it was got a cape it’s got like a belt got boots
I just like Adventure got to do adventurous sex cuz that’s what she’s thinking like and send them to the husband’s like in his bed last night she owe that that that become important later on in the jar
Richard is a crossword Insidious 2 becomes very important later on to look up from your password when he does the punchline okay
the thing that I fucked up though is that why it did he is she in the closet the whole night because it’s so it’s for the earlier was trying the outfit on to make sure it fits so that he came home and shit they played together for sure I don’t know if you just love talking so much and you hate jokes that much but are you really trying to get it right I don’t hate talking it used to be how I got people like me then I started doing this shit out blood what do you people want sorry I lashed out the woman tries on the outfit so this wreck on that like if it was like black orphan or What’s that show like like where you’re like Orphan Black
I would I would ask what the fuck you talking about
buckin donkey a tuo for fucking sentence jump
you just love your fucking mainstream entertainment and get back to me
it’s fucking bad-ass and it might not be enjoyable for you maybe a couple things you might not want to hear about yourself
that’s funny for reasons no one will understand but me later at home
Mark spots on the podcast where you’re like yeah
she’s like where you left that he gets in bed they do the thing it’s like I’m going to be a regular stagnant night but not tonight not according to her she’s going to do the same thing cuz she’s like I’m going to go do something he’s like what you doing is like they have like a place it’s like a like there’s room in the closet so she can change the closes the door he can’t see her she changes fucking blow my brains out she’s wearing red boots she’s wearing this whole outfit I can’t refer to the I can’t refer to the costume cuz it’s coming up if I refer to it if I described it in the way that make you go yeah I got it so I have to go through every fucking article of clothing because if I say the wrong word I ruin the punchline
so do I have to describe if I can tape it
her pussy and the husband without looking up from his crossword says I’ll have the soup
wait no he looks at her and then look back at the crossword
because otherwise you’d mistake it for like soup and there was a semantic if you have to like look at her and then look back down at stuff I don’t care about like old school Jewish, like a joke at the speed of light and the details mean nothing well congratulations to them celebrate 70th Anniversary the man is in bed reading a paper the woman that wants to spice things up and she ties her Tower and Superman and she comes out of the bathroom naked with a super pussy and he looks in the paper and he says I’ll have the soup but that joke is
crossword why did she think that was going to hang up that’s a big fan of Richard Donner who got fired off of that even wrote the screenplay but was fine. Sorry this isn’t a white pup your soup I’m not a waiter Teleflora joke the word joke or else or walks into a bar and the fire tenders like hate we don’t serve your kind here and he’s like what kind I’m a guide from Ragnarok from the Rainbow Bridge of like Elsa Elsa guard and
El Segundo
the exits are to the rear end to the side of the house don’t use those ones what what why
but I got I haven’t I haven’t I haven’t how come how come why is it being why is it why is it why is it why is the why is the job of physical therapist meth right now
why is it profitable to become a physical therapist in Asgard because everyone store
yeah
but over time I got to figure it out
is that the third joke I think it was not a speech therapist like I don’t know what to tell you it kills at colleges so like I do for a living so
you just don’t get me mad you like watching these Netflix comedy specials in your life this is easy but like that was a fucking Killer Joe make up a brand-new like joke joke like a dad joke wait what was the Thornton walks into a bar of bar not a heavy shoulder me I just ordered to drink just say you’re here to trick you pause cuz I know how much longer I would have put up with this but he orders a drink and I hope it’s a firing I’ve inspired every day also he orders a drink. Just keep in mind you didn’t have to ya know he’s being very nice about it and order a drink like phrases the lobster goes into a bar and he and the bartenders I get the fuck out of here
fraction is like that guy is always doing this so the idea is that he’s a lobster in the bartender has a problem with him doing that but it’s like the lobster does that naturally that’s not like but I think it’s 20 minutes apart. Now I’m going to get you that tightly wound has Lobster to walk down the fucking road in the fridge that the reason is because he’s doing this which is what
all I’m hearing is that a lobster sometimes comes to your bar and you’ve chosen to be like more of a regular bartenders that doesn’t have laughed at like you got it like a bar I mean this is a universe where lobsters or like and men are like we know it’s like maybe like what it looks like guy ABC’s caveman Series where was like cavemen are like half of society
memories based on that Geico commercial is good Nick Kroll but you you made it a bar instead of a dirt Mounds View City had to get a drink. My hands are tied like this amazing joke that goes into a hell of dirt like it cuz I’m not afraid of like organic humor doesn’t have to go to a bar where an ant goes he goes into one of those Hills of dirt that ants make
and you got the big guard at the entrance is like Glenn
and the ants like okay go through juice Melanie picnics and the Ant bland is like
why would I be back and then and the guard is like yeah for the queen
and Glen is like honey
so it’s got to be some gay jokes are right
like something about like you said something sassy like like about leg leg like I wouldn’t go above a hundred 3rd or something I don’t know it’s like a picnic or something like that for the queen and that goes into a bar joke The Tavern Keepers like get out of here
just cuz it’s like you don’t want ants
it’s just what Dan liked about the lobster joke except applied to Aunt it’s not easy it’s not
I wasn’t trying I can the brain he Combs his hair like I’m not going to fucking be mad at a nerd to come to their capitalism
all right I am a walrus and a walrus a walrus goes into a bar you get to pick the venue
a walrus put me in that area and I guess it’s probably easier cuz I would swap out where house is like a bar where you insert a border drinks you order like a sex bar
so if I get you are my fucking wants a water well give money
and he’s like no but I have tusks
and they’re made of ivory this week and they’re attached to you and he’s like yeah but how about this like if you if you if you let me have sex then I’ll cut off one of my tux and I’ll give it to you and I want you to do that first and he’s like give me a saw and they’re like
we don’t have a saw and he’s like you can buy a saw
weed eater guide to give you other like how are you going to give it to us and he’s like you know what I’m a seal these are fake and I’m not coming back
how do you throw down these like plastic Hollow Leg Halloween store tucks that he was just like keeping in there and they’re like what are you doing
it’s not a joke I’m a human being and it feels like I spoken like a person and a joke
and the seals is gone and of this person’s like who am I and then another person comes up because I can I have sex and they’re like yeah everyone can it’s never been that difficult I don’t know what I did wrong it’s my first day here I’ve been yelled at 3 time this is fucking crazy I’ll admit the first two time for my fault I can see it that way I’m new here however I’m freaking out I don’t think I should have dropped out of architecture school
and the other person says you are an architect yeah I mean I was in school I Was An Architect I’m an architect and I never went to school what’s your name
Frank Lloyd Wright says the person but the architecture student knows it’s not Frank Lloyd Wright they went to school they’ve seen pictures of Frank Lloyd Wright that’s not Frank Lloyd Wright
it’s like a guy with a big giant teeth
so dig the kid that with architectures goes like oh I get it like this town is just like filled with people needlessly disguise themselves as a species with one and I’m with people that’s that explains that doesn’t explain the other guy had this morning but I’m like getting it now and it’s nice to meet you would you like to have sex is there anything I can interest you in and the person is not front frankly right for sure is like yeah if you have anything in a Asian
Woman No Cry
with a dress on and a hat
and can the Hat be filled with money
and the person’s been trained like never say no
Lego walk first of all the answers yes it’s just a question how much like we have all that we can get that like how much they’re willing to pay and the Frank Lloyd Wright says how much money is going to be in the other person’s like
how much money do you want to be in the Hat cuz it’s like your fantasy write a million dollars I want a million dollars in the Hat and the person like okay that’ll be a million-dollar + $100
that’s what that will cost around there I’m not really authorized to like Met-Ed that’s an estimate
an estimate what the fuck am I standing here for
like what why am I embarrassing myself having these conversations like I’m like well you can’t authorize this transaction are you asking me if I’m allowed to put $1000000 in a hat find a person based on their race dressed up in an outfit and then no I’m not
and Frank Lloyd Wright site
you realize that when they taught me how to build building I know how to take them apart and the architecture students like you didn’t go to school you said he’s like I’m talking about my grandpappy
and the students I think I’m going to go get your agent woman and your million dollars I’ll be right back and he goes to the kitchen and he goes to his manager and goes like I quit
she isn’t enough for this morning I’m out and you can go deal with this in like it’s been a fucking intense day and like I don’t want any more to do with us so the manager goes like Franklin tapping his foot he thought he thought the job of being a clerk at the front of house at a whorehouse was going to be a lot easier job like that way people come in to get herpes they get whores date like it’s a win-win like you’ve got something on people that’s how I became a senator that’s how you’re going to become a senator like this is like a this is America you know they say make America great again soon when America was great
apparently he’s got a Breaking Point and it goes to his boss and says I quit I quit manager goes at Frank Lloyd Wright is not Frank Lloyd Wright is out there is like looking at the Goldfish grandfather clock is like like pacing and I like and the managers like are you okay
and his whole argument happens in a long story short is like the whorehouse close is about a business cuz it’s just like what the guy in the guy wasn’t Franklin right but he was like a like a media magnate is that what you call him I’m sure I kind of our first figure got you and so basically controls the media at that time and like it just sounded like she wanted you to see thought he could get $1000000 this way and like even if you put the hundred down up front like it it it was like he had been told that he was going to rob over estimated how much money you’re allowed to have in a place like that and like what the kids authorized to do any just basically but he was so humiliated that he basically bankrupted himself in his newspaper putting a whorehouse at a business that they no longer had any literacy or Hedonism freak out
Fantasy Island
so I am sorry there’s no punchline but the truth is sometimes life gets pretty ugly
you need to just go to her house and have a crazy animal encounter like these people have lives and we all existence you know like when they dissolved it’s like Corporation they like how did that go down like they were insolvent is this is just happening at the that’s like the at the end of Vanguard of a manifest destiny like like it was just like you’re out there in an unincorporated City in the middle of some territory no one knows it’s going on and it’s just like sex with a business and it rolls downhill sure they sell you the dream like oh you can you can get anybody can become rich but it’s like what they really mean is like anybody can die like everything’s everything has a price on it like human life is worth less than a bullet man and what what happened to the guy that wanted to go in there for the encounter newspaper man
he is newspaper went out of business to run a business heated up a prospector and you got claim jumped holy shit I didn’t even have a claim that you met the guy in this joke which wasn’t a joke by the way is if he was or what he was like he went he took that he didn’t learn his lesson he’s like he is like he would keep he’s decided he was going to become rich by pretending that he found gold and say I found gold does anybody have any money to go I can turn it into silver somebody with a million dollars in a hat do you think he had successfully pulled that off guidance counselors his dad payroll like he didn’t he mistook like being privileged for being crafty rat like it’s like try getting away with this shit that this guy does not Franklin
ask a fucking dipshit son of a billionaire they like walks in and like tries to do that like the guy is just he could have stayed at home and sucked on his dad’s titty
but oh that wouldn’t have suited does he go I got to go I got to go out I’m going to go tame the wild I’m going to go Bilk people out of their money into like write a book about it dumps he traveled only by hot air balloon is just like you just exude everything that was wrong with the American dream and the saloni ilysm is 1950 to 1915 Johnson Johnson cause World War
yeah okay
keep made people think it started earlier than it did World War 1 was essentially like a resolvable skirmish moment what what what do you think was The Darkest Hour
Play but like what what country was which why were they fighting who knows where that was like they thought they were going to change the change the answer with their trenches buddy and and their mustard gas and they invented the water balloon and then if I can torture in the this is the only War where it started on Horseback and it ended in a balloon
Allison and that’s where her house made him quiet and they had to eat rats and they were hats look like tight ends and they were just playing Pink Floyd song about them
everybody had a rifle and everything was muddy and gross in the boots running up to your calf and and it’s just a bad scene where what are your opinions on the War of 1812 what a misunderstanding
the war that traveled faster than the telegraph let me tell you that
boy that that war could have been you could have been that we could have saved yourself the war and I got out of telephone back then and telling you I was at War of misunderstanding they called it the War of 1812 the Canadians burn down the White House
I know I know more than the president and I’m an idiot Supreme Court Justices but I know all the words to Baby Got Back
what’s your wet Warden do you think you know the most about Vietnam for sure cuz you know cuz you were you were in the ship
you are what you were lieutenants in Danang yeah
okay so alright well I don’t know that coyotes so so I saw the coyote I saw a coyote that from the brambles behind my house is that the neighbor’s yard or is that a no man’s land I think it’s well it’s one of those two I don’t have any scenario in which my property packing but I think there’s no partition leading into the neighbor’s I don’t know how to do that because I think what we need to do is I think I don’t know what the first step is because it won’t we can’t do is call the city because we know that the see if you call the city they will say
we don’t do that anymore you’re on your own and there’s like a company’s evokes like Blackwater that will come or put the hurt on your cayots and I I just all I know is as the Barack Obama of this coyote problem is that like future will judge me like like by whether I acted or didn’t act and that I don’t need to like be decisive I’m not saying like Slaughter the coyotes or put a demand this like but I I’m saying like I think that neighbor whose territory borders mine
I think that is possible that the Pug the elderly pug that you that twice has fallen into my yard I think that dog died I mean if it if it didn’t if it didn’t get eaten by coyotes have died of old age because it couldn’t be like dog fell in our yard and would like to take care of it in like and then both times once my ex-wife Erin mcgathy and wants my dogs that are Allison like that I was never here for these two events that happen twice and like they both times one of those two characters like that in there not care to give me banks that human beings are not characters god dammit Harmon never let it slip
don’t let them know you’re there all in your story
if they realize if I can add my milk I met them both and they’re real characters why I do you mean humans you forgot the word for human people people sounds like both of these people even your ex-wife
what do you mean you people Jared twice
I don’t know where that she was a real women know that would be a crazy that was both of those women that would be weird I mean thank you for continuing to prove that I was right and being hung up on that and worked out the word character and it was like what are you Doctor Who anyways so like they took the dog up the hill and they found the owner of that territory I live in these wine in the hills are Prince’s my neighbor the boots in Zwolle we’ve met on the show several time if I go over to their house for a party and dad do
Hollywood I actually have to I have to either climb over a fence which you actually almost make more sense it’s kind of weird or what I have to do if I don’t want to climb over a fence which is I have to walk all the way around the gate in the fence because also we’re living in the end times so there’s going to be like a weird like like ice agent showing up and going back

people in your floorboards and we’re going to need we’re going to want to have tunnels in our fucking Rich liberal neighborhood and arsenic to put in their tea please come in yes I’m telling my housekeeper how American we all are more chamomile
oh yes I like your community show huh yes there was less black people in it like the Yahoo season when they switch
Donald Glover is kombucha
I got you yeah yeah I’m so blue I’m turning blue cuz I poisoned you not see
what why you’re so white
cuz I’m a good white guy fucking Nazis bro
cuz I’m fucking raised by fucking Real Americans will be fucking Nazis that’s just a thing you made up after you got into the wall for a Prophet come on come on we went to war with you fucking
you going to take cocksucker you fucking you are not see that you wish different you just want everybody to mistrust themselves into your fucking yuiop dishes I want to watch you die or spit on you will you die with your fucking dumb Eagle metals
my lovely Eagle Meadows
stupid skull on your hat you look so dumb I hate you
you know why you hate me right now what were you going to tell me we’re not so different then how come you’re dying and I made you tea
is he being a fucking Eagle hat We’re Not So Different could go ahead do your monologue purple dying Nazi
you are hating me because you secretly wish for one moment of your life could feel is he having one and two Emmys
what you want to put one for Community for community
people who are proud of their rates are coming to the conversation saying I have nothing to be proud of you if you were talented you wouldn’t be an object’s I’m tired I’m killing myself I can listen to another fucking episode of your bullshit you you fucking crazy with your ranting and ruined your black guys with drunk got elected which one would you do I thought you loved him like I do but I don’t want to listen to you blather about it himself hello hello sorry to bug you not see supervisors went over to her and you and have tea and it’s been more than 20 minutes like Rick and Morty I love
we all know know yeah he just shot himself what does scheisse
what’s that mean shit shit spider
isn’t that what they take out of your paycheck to move out of my way
oh Hans why did you do it he said he loved the Jews
is that all he said why would he say that to you
I don’t know dude you guys are complicated your what are you going to tell me you all go to therapy he was fucked up
my dad gets to the Bone I’m a big fan of your work I know I’m not just a Rick and Morty fan I also have read your blog
they followed you my whole life and also you had your ups and downs
you’re sort of window into the complex check city of
Massimo chickens
find a way where is Jeff Davis
are you live close by if he’s Knock-Knock ocean is Jeff just maybe the Zeppelin drop them off at the other one
which you will never put me down and when that was I just wanted again
10 week when the Muppets were syndicated
make America great again before I before I met a black person I can see by the Insignia on your lapel that your colonel, colonel first-class Yeti Edition super special forces its secret TT Platinum through-line a double-strength titanium footage of the ultimate desperate tune a fucking like million to kill like a million homeless people do you have any beers in the fridge yeah there’s grolsch
because when in Rome Open the fridge and anyways when did you go from being a nice to being a full-blown German some
yeah I bet you it’s a bit you it’s like a Christopher durang like of mystical realism but kind of like I just became a just a general Nazi
you know why Hitler killed himself right he was a he was an angry drunk know that that’s why I stopped drinking gas bill Frasca I don’t like the drugs
because you are the only way it wouldn’t make it a better joke but you do did you have to leave the heat rise gas bill and it had all the names of all the victims in here are their names
why is that still in a funny joke but at least you’re a good person like because it’s like yeah I like those. Those are the people that aren’t laughing they couldn’t join you know you know how to tie their shoes
in little Nazis the radio cuz he like likes us to the Hitler’s I don’t know like
look up how come you’re Hitler jokes are better wait till at cuz I’m cuz I’m a good person why are the ice people actually like I told on my phone is tuition at why I asked the same question but the answer is why it why was why did Robin Williams head afloat in the baron Munchausen because Terry gilliam’s like like like me because he was drunk
anyways you know that Stalin joke with the capitalism you could do that with the DSA and be like more modern you know it’s like why does the DSA only spelled in lower case or something just thought I’d Circle back around for that they might they might they might go on Chapo they love saying that they love to drag your fat ass and then tell you to go on Chapo they love dragging fat asses because I made a joke about how it’s funny that McDonald’s ended up like suffering for not licensing Rick and Morty but still trying to like do a Rick and Morty things as I thought that it would like me to one joke about I was like
I told that story and it wasn’t the day I walked into this thing I’d no idea the World to Change that fucking much there that much was at stake as like I thought you could safely make a joke about how McDonalds sucks for like being a corporation and like like who cares if they have a bad day at the hands of the worst fans of the show who cares and I was like one person could flip it like some people work at McDonald’s I didn’t identify themselves as I was like it’s just a rip-off of Back to the Future fuc u y should McDonald’s have to pay for your property if you rip up Back to the Future and it and he and his his his Twitter icon was him in a fucking patching with green things in his life but I said you got some flux capacitor mr. bucket property manager and he’s like okay
for the kid to just go I was a cashier at McDonald’s and I feel like a piece of shit cuz I work for McDonald’s and I don’t want a bunch of fucking weird in cells jumping up on counters yelling at me cuz I know it’s Szechuan sauce. And I was basically like yeah so it took you all that fucking time to just say like you have a fucking agenda in the conversation I don’t have a fucking agenda I’m just hanging out. I think it’s funny that the corporation didn’t pay for this I can afford the lap you’re just fucking like doing the shit and then it got all like with her as long as everybody is doing an edgelord rant against the Socialists minimum wage and the fire hate everyone but it’s fun I now hate everyone I hate my fans I hate the minimum wage workers who else can I hate how I hate myself I’m just going to crawl into a fucking shell and have a great life
text message do you have a character sheets your messages fuck you now that you’re doing okay and how do I get my messages we have 15 minutes and I would like to play a fast lightning round of combat with me and you and I’m checking to see what you want to fight me you’re like not fighting each other in a combat round yeah so you are going to fight each other in the front yard like you’re jealous and I forgot your characters I forgot your character’s name that has been that long
I don’t know
what’s the character called or audience
call Carlos and imaginative and I’m Chad the fire like I have a story that I can jam a real short thing because I was like I was I was like looking for a microphone for my for my iPad Pro so I could sing a song into my iPad Pro and I was looking for a microphone cuz it needed I’d like like a bunch of Michigan is like the USB C Port whatever it’s like like oh you going to be going to have a thing as like searching through my closet for a microphone and I was like where is this thing I’m getting real frustrated I find an unopened package that was a citronella dog collar is like like anti barking collar for 4 that I bought from Amazon I think maybe in some fit
and I got I never opened it and I was like looking at is covered in dust and was like anti barking collar and there’s like a picture on the on the package of like a dog that’s like
like yeah what you going to do is just he looks contrite
either you can tell from his eyes look like a mailman’s near him but he’s like there he is again
lasting hope you never hear anything for me about it a lot like everybody and then I was like dude you’re looking for a microphone
that’s what I was like when I was listening to this story was like yeah yeah he doesn’t like all the time like Harvey’s is what he’s got one mode of expression like I’m not an end up your listing in your like I have a citronella collar collar for my dog I’m not I’m not I’m not high road in you at all I live in doesn’t it’s not hurting anybody it annoys me but like it doesn’t it’s not like anybody else is complaining about it or whatever if you live in an apartment and you got a dog and you use the citronella collar that seems like I’m not I’m not going to be one of those people that’s not the point of my story but I was like from one place where you can park to another and today I was sort of like because I I felt that way I was like I watched him like playing with the next door neighbor dog and then there was like some other there was a neighbor walking his dogs and I said
the Harvey is like but you do some dogs over there do you want to bark at them because he wasn’t even barking at me is like wanted to fetch a ball and I was like I don’t think you saw those dogs though any like song and he’s like really waved at me and I was like Yay and I’m finished working and I was like good job
it was like the same the same stuff happen except I wasn’t like miserable about it cuz I wasn’t like oh he’s not supposed to do that. He’s just the sisters podcast
what what are we doing
you’re in a dungeon is that what you wanted what did you do or when I say yeah okay
how do you guys know what’s going on
you’re the last thing I said is let’s go make a potato farm on harmonquest
what is Superman mean
can we just like play like a lightning round of DnD plays that’s part of it is leave here I don’t know leaving
what’s the weather
what what’s happening are you help the coyotes
I I did a quick search online if there is a organization or a person who handles anything like that and here comes the Christopher Walken character in this Adam Sandler movie didn’t didn’t seem like I take care of coyotes I don’t think I’d love to hey not active now I know why knock knock why me
me home start over
knock knock who’s there Dwayne Dwayne the tub I’m drowning
there’s a name there’s a there’s a famous name Dwayne that sounds more like the word drain then Twain doesn’t matter look I saw a rogue family of coyotes in your yard are you yes I’m Christopher Walken the famous actor thank you I wouldn’t have come in without you even opening the door so my God yeah you got coyotes
all right yeah it’s a guy called about I called the city but they said they couldn’t ride anyway you must so there’s only one way
what to get rid of coyotes did you bring me out to talk about coyotes
it’s probably the fuck is this guy this is my assistant Steve Levy I told him to call people but ladies this is Christopher Walken Steve
as much as anyone does she want to come back and look at the spot that where I think there’s a nest
I don’t know. Haven’t asked
would you think that I had can I can I bring my friend and Jeff Goldblum yeah yeah yeah you can Batman Jeff Goldblum I want you to come in here and help me with this coyote nest
yeah that’s a lot. That looks like a problem
hey Jeff I know you hate coyotes too well and I hate a coyote it’s just that they can harm and he created Rick and Morty
funny you mention that I was just I I I was I was binge watching the last season was it was very good thank you
Criminal Intent I I mean that’s that’s that’s very kind of you to say that I don’t think it was my my best work but I wish that Alicia Witt would have kept like working on the show I really liked her while you’re very sweet. Let’s go kill some coyotes
okay you go out back there is a coyote Nest near the South Wall of the property I cast a great do you guys hate me what is this and you do you I do I do I did earlier and then at a point I was like well maybe he isn’t a damn I mean I want I want to play the Indie and then it became Jeff Goldblum and for 10 minutes or did you feel like me like sometimes it’s just like what what are you trying to do with me like what am I dropping your act can we do a quick combat round with a coyote’s and Dad’s backyard with Chris Rock and and and and Steve Levy
that’s a breadcrumb I don’t care about that
okay alright just do that then I don’t know no no no let’s let’s just leave the seeds of a DND things right because it’s now finally it’s now the point where it’s not as long as that’s what’s weird about it
I am livid
knowing the DND campaign not the backyard
okay then there’s no time we have three minutes
that’s about 10 minutes
3 minutes of 50 and 8
no cheats
bro just running
hi I can’t do the hecklers but if there’s ever been a situation where a brownie
I mean voice of reason
remember earlier when you’re like how we don’t have any time yeah like that is now valid
like back then it was blessed with the intro to like we’re where we were at. OK Google
don’t start. So account Telus
I mean like where work with Ben while while they were working on the potato farm right now or know his sighted to become potato bro
they’re willing to stay for another 8 minutes yeah yeah yeah
I really
hey
hey I Chad and your chats yet
Carlos Santana
oh yeah that guy original hey Carlos TJ got some bad news for you
we got to low potato yield
back it looks like we’re going to have to go out and kill some people to make some money cuz the potatoes are not going to bring and we thought we’re going to make but you say that every Harvest
where were bad at potato harvesting but we were worse at killing people and it’s a worst thing to do we are better I mean we can’t your potatoes I like to think it’s quality over quantity
they’re pretty damn good potatoes potatoes it takes to kill an Irishman
0 lesbian what’s an Irishman
do you do you know what do you know what kind of meat a priest is allowed to eat on Fridays fish none
it’s an old from the old you take that Catholics dancing with them I don’t even know the lifestyle of being a gentleman farmer I I I kind of miss the days of traveling and being on being on Quest you never became farmers
well it’d be nice to know that a while ago I said you decided to become Farmers yes or no bro Jesus Christ that makes a lot of sense the reason why we never grew any potatoes
seated or harvested any actual or potential I get that but like if you don’t want to do it then like where do you want to tell us what happened instead of us becoming Farmers cuz you decided to become farmers and then we ended and then that was it so like are you saying like you’re not allowed to advance I would assume that you need to roll for several seasons of potato farming or we’re not we’re not going to let time has passed between Seasons like we’re starting where we left off I feel like we let that you wanted to become potato I thought that’s what you wanted to be doing I didn’t know that’s what it’s like I said to DJ and to Carlos I don’t want to be able to sit a farmer I want to I want to yes
I want to go work for the Church of the silver flame
you haven’t had enough of that we didn’t get it right look look let’s let’s for the first time in my life so I can go do something that matters
and what if I type I prayed it was friends with the guy out of the silver flame is there is there a land over Flame
I get on one knee cuz they don’t like it when you’re on both knees I say silver flame
guide us let us redeem ourselves send us a mission send us a Cause
to go defend you for
all right my potato Falls in your lap
you have a laugh when you kneel find me an example of my potato I open up the magic with cheddar to see if there’s anything inside the mashed potato now it’s just broken in half now
damn dude you’re good at opening those potatoes I get down in my other and I say
silverflame if it truly was you send me another message in the
I just say that I will I don’t need another sign that’s fucking that’s more than you should be able to ask for it I was right I think I guess nothing happened so I guess that were just potato farmers are we decided we were going to be
I wouldn’t say we were can I buy it
can I invite my friend
Jeff Goldblum over now I’m kidding I’m kidding I didn’t mean to make that sound that implied that the answer is no but with me like I don’t know why it’s not like we’re not potato farmers were warriors we’re spiritual Warriors we never remember what where do why do wake up at 8 a.m. every morning in an end lifting and then pump iron if you’re not that’s not potato prepping you know
you’re getting ready for something you got a potato prepper that’s me that’s me trying to live past 47 because I like milkshakes and Philly cheesesteaks and my fiance is 12 years younger than me and a woman which means she has 24 more years on average to live than me I don’t want to die going like a man
just don’t break the fourth wall doesn’t work out can I give you guys a what flight you’re acting like but your subversive now you we haven’t even started the potato farming in your like what if we
so what do we haven’t tried look up or you going to say it’s just that you guys are guys pick a direction and then I’m like okay great and then the next episode happens and you go the opposite direction so like the last time we like what if we were potato farmers and I was like okay and now you’re like all you’re doing is like we can’t be potato Farmers not me I’m not doing no I know but it’s just like
but it’s like the only if the only thing you want know is that you don’t want to do the thing there is that’s not the only thing that I know that right I’m stopping you there but will you write is the only thing one does is nothing then nothing gets done yeah I get that is why I wanted to become a potato because I felt like you perceive me or us or the Royal we as like disrespecting the game will know that I’m always like the potato for everything was honestly like as usual which I’ve done it before where I’m just kind of like weird like we’re like shitting all over this thing at Spencer preps for like we never know what we’re doing we always end up like burning people houses down and it’s like not like we don’t know what we’re doing we’re always like old what’s in
horses and they were just like think we just kill people and then we don’t know like I dream of like I’m like oh well maybe if we reset and we’re just like like we make it simple like Willow and we just go plow our fields and then we can just fucking really carefully like the if an adventure comes along we can like be like okay like we can’t fuck this up and was it be like baby step this and play let’s take it seriously and not fuck it up it says my it’s my it’s my desire to do well now I can tell that I can all that it’s it’s just against it now you’re not doing that and that’s all you’re spending time doing that’s not feeling I thought I was trying to get us out of a trigger like that we were going to go on a new Quest I think you should Google you you you should let me potato farm because it seems like the thing that you needs to happen to you because you don’t want it to happen okay
is my scale of wild empathy
that makes me befriend animals have your friend animals
and I can’t connect Conjuring anymore of that animal I already have to be there would be like a separate spell
it’s been it’s been good adventuring with you boys like look I’m bored and I don’t want to be a bit of fun with you. If that’s your gang I can dig it but I didn’t mean to I didn’t mean to pitch it like a zillion think we should all do I I I I feel bad like a bad person I feel bad it would I do I feel like I don’t know how to do it right and I want to experience a thing as normal people experience which is like a man about this so I want to do it I know exactly what I want to do and I’d like to order it from the church and then I’m like forget these details of this Tangled mess we just always feel like I’m going to fucking guessed at some party thrown by a stranger The Stranger is me
the worship of flame and it’s not even the color of regular Flame
I haven’t lost my faith in our God
just lost my faith in myself why don’t you talk it out like maybe like a rhythmic way
thank you suggesting that I invent singing
and I didn’t univent rapping
you can sing it
do Stevie Nicks style because she just got inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or you can test it like ranking right now
wanna wanna fall.
Waterfall design
I don’t need to know how to leave to go down
just something that leave the side
people who feel safe and sound but the devil’s in the hollow
help the Jews planned 9/11
you can thank you for coming to Hermantown everybody
I’m your kind of telling Jeff Davis I think it on Fallout 4, thank you for laying down the gym master who didn’t get the game master anything Spencer Crittenden View
we really appreciate you coming down to drive fast and take chances
let’s get it receive a TV next for getting a check-in induction is the Hall of Fame ranking Rodger from the beach or the English Beat if you’re American one of my favorite artists of all time died way too young ranking Rodger go Cheston Heaven Jackie got music
but not leaving funereal silence
thank you
play podcast Network

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