Episode: 22 – Nanu Nanu, I’m Racist


Episode: 22 – Nanu Nanu, I’m Racist


An impromptu Fellowship of the Nerds is assembled to explain how to break The Hobbit into three movies. Jury duty stories! Adam Goldberg’s roommate!


when is the gentleman harmontown
oh yes
would you please be so kind as to crouch Down and Worship the mayor of Hermantown
rap rap rap rap rap rap rap
I was trying really hard I was just explaining to the cameras in the Green Room was like okay I got nothing I’m not going to say fuck your mama
I want to scrape my brain like dry toast and just didn’t happen I just rapped about wrapping better drink too much
fucking your mama
and maybe next week it’ll change you think there was badass is really good that I don’t know there’s a band at the Frog I got now I can’t do it I’m thinking too much about fucking people
I won’t be able to do it and it’s lit let’s not start the show cataloging my my inadequacies
let’s let’s talk about Christmas
Santa Santa Claus is here tonight
we got K Santa Claus very tired Cupid
wait. That comes after Christmas
give me Cupid from McDonald’s I was further confusing I meant from I meant for Valentine’s Day
set it all out this will probably be our Christmas show because we’re we’re not we’re like 7 weeks behind in terms of when we record and when I broadcast
the master doesn’t work and it’s steps away from an Arkham Knight the dojang
maybe it’s because Chevy Chase.
That was me that was just me
I told you guys he called back and he wanted to do it but he couldn’t do it he was going to do, today you said you’re going to call and I texted him he couldn’t do it
I also hate while we’re at it I also texted Bob Odenkirk also cannot do it
couldn’t make it tonight
but hey
your mama on the wild side to side now you got to you got a front to back little kitties then goes here’s the thing I got the pikey I tagged I rarely do this but I over or underestimated I I ordered too many drinks
I didn’t calculate it right so if I were a pilot than this were an airline you would you should get off the plane but you only paid $10 so I promise I will try not to make it too quickly I think that’s what it was so bad
and the bill you know what you do you ever do that when you’re like take so long give me three now
come like when I want them
but I have to admit the fortitude that you’ve showed by pouring yourself another one in the green room right before you walked out on stage
that’s why I mean really it that’s habit
it’s not funny
stressed out of 6 days before Christmas for me on the 17th of December Erin mcgathy and Rob’s Rob and his girlfriend wife Kate friend and I leave for London so December 17th that’s well after everyone shuts down in Los Angeles and so it’s December 10th right now something around there I have six days to write a pilot for CBS the pilot for Fox
and a pack of technipac some fingerless gloves and aren’t you the guy that was in 36 hours
that was when I didn’t know the rules of Television whatever I’m not I’m not
pink dog
could there be a dog in it
and and and when possible ask yourself like what would this be like According to Jim you called my bluff
congratulations call I don’t know how to write television I never have but he has six days to write two pilots in the TV show Dan Harmon’s got 16 would be right for Bravo January right when I come back and end at Fox and CBS hey welcome back from London what the fuck
okay what are we have to know who you’re fired and you’re never hired again
matter I don’t care
I’m stalling
I saw the Avengers movie for the second time but actually for the first time cuz I kept sleeping through it I liked it a lot I don’t know who I’m talking to
let me be. 92% Rotten Tomatoes likes it but I
also run over to roll into one that’s going to put a barrier between us this is the second of three of the Total Recall remake I don’t have to call a remake or not but whatever they are starting to starting to ruffle feathers but I think it can coexist with the verhoeven classic both good like I like watching Arnold run around Mars at the women with the three titties and they give the people there are and I I I also like watching what’s his name not know that what’s his name was not his wife and what’s her name actually was that’s why my OneNote is at all the women look the same but I have what used to be called Asperger’s and which is now been removed from the diagnostic manual
I’m slightly autistic so make one or redhead if your if your movie has two women in it always make one a redhead or make a Maria Conchita Alonso the now here’s the here’s the point where we just you know we we reach an impasse and we’ll work through it I like Cloud Atlas
50/50 okay 5 minutes in Cloud Atlas cuz there’s a lot of for those of you haven’t seen it and I won’t spoil anything I don’t know if it’s possible to spoil anything revealing humanity is amazing and goes on forever into the stars but if you think about it that’s what green eggs and ham revealed so
nope nope no big row to hoe they are but then it’s time to commit to film and you know like well we got out we want to trade the scent so they don’t there’s a people are being reincarnated and they were all kind of intersecting with each other and playing different roles in our lives a lot of prosthesis lot of lot of like a lot of six actors and then there’s like no Tom Hanks will be like hanging out as a fisherman Geneva 1814 and he’s like playing a piano but now she’s like
every time every time they come in they have a different forehead a different leg like they have like like zany zappers on or like like I weird Shannon you’re never more than five minutes in Cloud Atlas from going
and that’s not what you’re supposed to do
for the whole time but your cousin from people in those roles has to catch on to that was the reincarnated because there’s too much to tell about it I bet in the in the movie in the book I’m sure you don’t need rubber noses and the same actor to indicate to you that this person I have no I didn’t even read the book or book series we got it we had a hand here read the book is it I don’t know what to ask years ago. I feel like the truth I like not reading the book more than not seeing the movie
I made a joke I joke about a book
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering if I can soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, never misses that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes relate to my own life so it’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker it myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerves like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
no problem
if you want to say where I have nothing to say I don’t know that cats out of the bag I got you drunk tonight I’m going to make it up to you exactly as drunk as he I guess I can tell I don’t know I always like I owe you I have nights around like they can tell project that onto like if I’m talking and I got like
come on it’s Christmas hey what’s the deal with ornaments and I don’t hear like she knows I’m drunk she doesn’t chew drunk cuz I’m not going to look at her
but I can’t can’t see anybody
it’s all because of the waiter at the pikey another interesting thing about the pikey if you’re a local we can edit this out cuz I know who in Boston going to care about this but go to the pikey kitty corner from here alternate timelines TV Jeff Davis works there there’s like a guy like these suits and he got here he looks like Jeffy kind of like spending too much time and making his hair look like he didn’t spend any time on I-85 multi-ethnic like you don’t know where from where I was like his mom was Suzuki I worked on the docks of his dad was a minister from music
free creepy version of Jeff Davis a good name
in the in the name of it okay if my name is awesome let’s all is well just go fuck ourselves so my name is butterfly like some of us have to hunker down and be John or Hallelujah is not cool but I do want to jump all over this guy never met him already jealous
oh shit you’re fucked up yet
can I take you a slower beat to rap to slow beat the rest mode
maybe what it do you know what the stationary bike stand but maybe maybe like I should loosen up so that you can’t tell I think that I think that Mike’s stand like helped you know how drunk I am
but if I ever the whole things move and then you can’t tell I think sober now
what kind of flower be
yo slow rap yo a slow rap
you just can’t say it slow rap already
Flo Rida
you’ve made that quite clear gotta motherfuker know the most gotta
put your mama on some toast I got to go to fuck your mama’s goes to got to
how to do Jessica crystal meth the fuck you. Fuck your mama in a slow rap. Fuck your mama Lopez crap but I thought you Mama all over the stage and I fuck your mama I’m a third level
your mama cuz I’m casting a spell fuck your mama up from Heaven to Hell and fuck your mama like my name was new but your mom in the in the button
no there’s a disconnect
you guys did all the colleges get off for Christmas so that her poop when you factor a mister mothers
poop that there’s no place like home for the holidays
it’s going to be three movies
someone said okay who said okay you’re into it all right
I asked you when you get up on stage and Mike’s
we don’t make fun of people for coming up which I just like to hear people and meet people have you been here before I’m not that tall
are you going to hide or execute you are exactly that’s how it’s pointed at your mouth
damn it I used to I used to work at a rehab center at and then what is it in the eating disorder unit do what they would do it like they told me this for anorexic women they would they had this therapy technique where they would have them draw how big they thought their body was and then lay them down in it and take a picture of liquids this is Sesame Street really you like can actually just think that your physical body is it Anyway I don’t know who kay
you don’t have to be Thor feel like I’m going to have to do this because tonight is a no mic stand nights I want to hear you’re going to have to take cook this they going to play I put that my fan away I think the no mic stand rules we’re out we’re all okay I read The Hobbit I did not so much read the Lord of the Rings trilogy but it was The Lord of the Rings trilogy was a Trilogy in book form yet so they made a movie for each book I have it was one book so if they make a Where the Red Fern Grows movie
and they make it three movies we get to go was the first movie going to be about the Red Fern grow in
how did never going to get to the Coonhounds dying I mean spoiler sorry
the Coonhounds die
a lot of stress from that movie there is a war that just happens to be only like 50 pages for my remember
that’s okay 900-page defense of The Hobbit being three movies in the face of a crying out why not emergencies kill bills into 190 minute thing to like Kill Bill poster board, can you call that kill Bilbo
premiere of The Hobbit 3 movies
I got a receipt
yeah yeah
yeah I’m Nikki Finke yeah yeah
yeah yeah Hollywood news come from me to your neighborhood I got the
I got some new Scoops from The Hobbit I found I heard the movies AMC Feels Alright With It
now we’re going to fight with it stupid prolong the engine they make 50,000 shity movies a year at when Peter Jackson’s by the camera and the content is is he directing them but yes I hope so
I know where you get your news director you’re saying as long as Peter Jackson’s behind the camera and they’re and they’re in New Zealand and there’s and there’s than theirs and they’re dealing with that awesome original like material you’ll watch it forever every movie is 8 hours a week I thought that was a half hour long like maybe two and a half hours too long but I don’t stop at Fred Meyer right well let me know but I really like the Lord of the Rings films and I don’t mind it being prolonged entertainment if they’re all good
let’s ask Janet Tolkien
absolutely no
yeah and I got a boo family
I heard I heard half of the silmarillion went up her nose
half of the money that was in reference to peel of the Tolkien universe is the texture is like they feel that you’re there but I’m so how many times do let’s break The Hobbit up into three parts Breaking the Habit on the three parts where do you think the first movie is going to end like probably the dragon probably no dinner is when it was dinner
and the second movie will begin with of Jesus Christ so many dishes I can’t believe we ate all of that lasagna was hiding a dragon thank you thank you
last week we kept pretending he was Greg behrendt and then he was at the show my understanding of it which is fairly limited as well it’s that the third movie is actually going to be another book that comes between The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings series
come on
now you stay stay
I was going to be as far as I understand it is the first movies has to be at Tom Bombadil movie but I don’t know I don’t know that
Bombadil was cut out of the first Lord of the Rings in the lot of Fanboys got very upset going to be The Hobbit was going to be one movie and then there was going to be a second movie which is going to bridge The Hobbit the Lord of the Rings people got upset about because there’s no literary reference to bring
but there’s there is a book that what’s it called
how many Instagram is immediately
I’ll come and Malcolm and puking and puking
tails are you talking about there was that compendium of that Christopher Tolkien found in
I’ll shut up alright been related
we’re getting a bigger stage 3 movie
forget the first movie is the travel to Smaug the dragon and in the second movie is all about fighting the dragon and in the third movie is about Dale on the Battle of the Five Armies de Fillion when Gandalf like laugh for ninety pages and then came back and they’re just making it up based on like 20 minutes or 20 pages in Hibbing I thought I thought so when he fights are on the wizard or whatever they feel that in and they’re going to sell it instead of Smaug movie pretty badass never read the book sell Empire Strikes Back
he doesn’t have to be a billion dollar industry
you guys read today about all right so I never read the books but you know more than these guys who like 1988 cartoon that that has The Hobbit and I was there a dick did Ralph bakshi direct like seeing it or not knowing it from yeah I just like being disturbed by it like like that in Watership Down like like for a new z cap cuz you really you really brought extra and made us know all about it
there are fanboys that are here I just had to come represent I guess for the
baby Jane Austen ladies directions
don’t know how exciting exciting fast here you never know what’s going to happen each other’s hands
I went and sat down in front of a thank you for something up there like I don’t know what you said they might work together but but I think of it he was like thank you so much for what you said it was so brave
show me my jury duty started ever tell a jury duty story up up here when I was at the hill walking for podcast time and probably before our greatest day of my life it was the only day when I was as much a hero as The Hobbit is in the Bible says we give me a favor will you take this five minutes to re-break it up over 3 podcast
couldn’t get into your car and driving to jury to them first one takes you to me showing up to the courthouse and then and then I insert a whole scene where you know yeah Sean Astin says you’re right it is a good ending
I went to jury duty the year is 1972. I was still in Milwaukee was a very young spry little child lowrider an improviser live in Milwaukee I know what the jury duty is never going to jury duty before and by the time you spend the whole time you get quickly indoctrinated into the culture of I going to get out of here early like regular people explaining it to you in. You know no one’s going like congratulations are they know that they need to ingratiate themselves and their right to do that to drag if you’re over 12 might be exciting for someone who who who still thinks pencils might be space shift so you can maybe maybe occupy yourself everyone is going to kill himself so the you spend the whole time like getting called not called you like like like you’re told like you’re on the precipice of getting this mess and then
we were so close to me and my group we were so close to getting out and then we got called for this case and were like a fuck you like at that point that you go through phases where you actually I want to see one cool to my peers here but I’m actually kind of think it would be cool if I got called in and like someone murdered someone and I had to decide you murdered someone you have any thoughts in your head like I’m going to be a juror it’s going to be amazing but then that quickly Fades and you got to get out of here please let me I’m so close and then they call you you have to go and you Shuffle into the courtroom and we end up in the jury box and saw kind of random and I ended up the juror number one I was like sitting in the front of kind of randomly arranged and it’s sitting there look like he was like 16 years old no idea how old he was but
Atwood whatever bored you
slow rap slow story
turns out the kid was like it was like a
hot like possession thing was kid lived in the outskirts of Wisconsin and he was walking down a highway they do they give you all the details of the case he was why he was walking out like a County Highway in his like little rural area of the of the of the free fire zone do but smoke pot and he started coming probably the only cop where he lived and he the Kid Likes had a pipe and it had a little bit of resin in it and he he shot his pipe and do like a bunch of corn stopped and got out and went through the corn and found the pipe and and and took the kids at some point the kid apparently this is why is my hero must have exercised his right to trial by jury
nnnn nnnn and these other people and there’s like that moment where they go does anyone feel like they wouldn’t be able to be impartial in this case and then like you see that the Jehovah’s Witness lady razors and you watch her get to walk the other witness the person was a victim they just recently the jury duty in LA and they were like fuck you fuck all of that like they’re there there’s a portcullis comes down and they’re like nice try asshole but back then it was like so freaked out I can’t sit in Judgment of others and that and then someone else I was a victim of a violent crime go play Nintendo
handed to me on a silver platter cuz the truth is like what you like of course I’m like he might end up being a senator if you don’t bust him now for a fucking dumbass pipe full of a stupid thing that grows out of the ground is iggly wiggly Google I’m sure there’s a better chance that if the cop exploded
I’m in part I’m not impartial that’s my point I’m partial I have a feeling I have. And a cop killer exploded at if you’re a police officer I don’t drive a silver Prius

I don’t realize I’m not like I had to there’s a lot of great people who are cops and those at whatever I don’t mean it.
I tried meant like biologically like sci-fi wise I didn’t mean like like like Al-Qaeda
Society has become
Universe before I do a lot of things went down
the judge goes is anyone think that they wouldn’t be able to be impartial about this my hands shot up like a rocket cuz I was like holy shit I actually can’t be impartial I’m going to get out of jury duty I raised it and everyone kind of chuckled and I was actually go to the end of the day there like okay sir what’s your problem and I said why I just don’t I don’t think that this law should be a lot so I think that any kind of legal proceeding about it the whole time I’m going to be thinking like what was his get out of here and I think that makes me feel like I’m not going to be able to be impartial because I I don’t I don’t I don’t see the crime here and ask you if you think it should be a crime we asked you if if you think you could judge him if I think they started really really laying into me and I was like well yeah but I’m telling you like a customer’s always right
the question, do you think that I would be able to judge it impartially like like who are you going to believe over me when I say no
and what better answers than because I don’t sleep because I think this is a plant that grows out of the ground and I don’t think he was hurting anybody and I don’t I think that you do it’s your business if you can get over the larger society want to have a big war and then like I had some kind of controlled substance and I can’t step into that cuz that’s a big mess but I see a kid and I see a dumb pipe and I see a lot of wasted time and I want to get out of here and I think it’s like yeah I just answered honestly they kept the prosecutor got up and was like I was like I asked him a question
yeah but I don’t think it should be I don’t think it should be I don’t know how many times to say this so we went back and forth for like 10 minutes it was crazy and I’m not exaggerating I want to hear a fan I hope you can trust me by now to know that like I wouldn’t exaggerate like I got out I told you to shut the Sharpie pen up my ass out to like the weird thing is I was awesome in the story I is it was an accident they made me awesome I just went back and forth with them and whatever and then because I was juror number one and everyone watch that happen
okay let’s move on does anyone else feel that they would be imparted not be able to be impartial and hands went up
including and I’m not kidding it was like a fucking like like rom-com like an old old woman like a really old like brought knitting to jury duty like like not ironically Winona Ryder but like like like like knitting like her clothes for things like for a cat like well I think it’s you know I guess like the young man said like
be be because humanity is a resource it’s like Soylent Green in the courthouse like they need to flood these channels with human fucking bodies and it ended and you can revolt and we you need us to technically make the courthouses work we don’t want to be here in the Constitution it actually said no validity of the law the law
if I don’t like the law that that’s not where you want to go by the Constitution if you want to
Samsung j3v to see you later guys and the two lawyers came out all left
another way to the kid who is sitting on the jury just sitting there like
take a big cigar this morning are you like
reminder that moment when the guy turned into the old woman who is sitting in front of me she turned in her chair and she put her hand her Ginger paper wonderful Hallmark hand on my thigh and I just want to tell you I think what you did was very brave
brake upgrade I love I love you getting high and I want to get out of jury duty and I’m I’m also Brave amazing jackpot yeah yeah I was afraid to say something because I was so I could go to your house
really thinking of your unit that I got a problem with this but you’d go home and be a cop going potty pads
Carolina Reaper we got your name and number if you think that’s possible but that’s but now that’s much closer to the world we live in now because you sure can’t get out of jury duty so the judge comes back with the light everybody the kid is going giant smile on his face and the judge says so what happened is late in the day and
we we just sort of settled the matter and Chambers and so there’s no more case and you guys are free to go but I would like to talk to you in the hallway the judge said to tell you that you’re pretty please meet me around front like to talk to you for a moment so you’re all free to go where the judge in his little robe big rub sorry Society at his crown I don’t approve of what you did in there
approve of the system that let you do it
amazing that you’re able to do it and that’s you know a lot of people don’t understand that’s what the justice system is based on is your ability to do what you did and I don’t you know I think I think something bad happened in their technically but that’s my own personal point of view as it as a as a legal as a legal person I admire what happened in there I mean I don’t but I do it was like he was basically saying as far as I could understand why was it should be illegal but you guys are are legally allowed to override making weed cuz you’re so weird he was a guy that actually read the Constitution I when you go to the I want to join I’ve been there a couple times and the first time I was there I was like I don’t know I wasn’t calling so maybe 18 years old and
I was sitting there and at the only court house down there and if you hadn’t been there but it’s it’s a bummer and your bag is on their really sad about this I get to be totally fine if you want to be there that’s a good you’re probably so I’m interested I would like to check this out I hope I get a good case I got a kid I got to babysit later on I got to go to school and I got it going by and it was all in a jumbo legalese for the snack bar is where the restrooms are and I read this with me
and tell me if you think this is what it’s saying I would have said it if you don’t feel like you should be here you can walk up the hill Street and if you got the blues by being here right now you can walk forever thing and you can say you can fill out a form and I read it three or four times and I just got up and walked out and read that thing I’ve been trying to read that paper
you can read that yeah
I thought I got the elevator and then I go there was really like a handbook stop the illimitable closing and they’re like seven people that like working with you
I know we all got in the door coming toward us we walk up a hill and whatever that is Hope and I would walk up the street and 1520 of the people Coronavirus
I was told I didn’t want to be there and an elevator door up and then a bunch of like women must that work there a little cubicles saw the elevator up 20 people come out
but what about somebody read that sucker
another Pied Piper reasons you can say why and I was like I don’t believe the way the criminal justice system on the back of it and feel like you know crosses and Christian black lady that had a very very nice and very tired of her job and she
I seriously think it’s like halfway there I can’t give them if they’re going to make you be a jerk just go in there tell him you don’t want to be there they’ll probably let you out if I got I don’t want to spend the rest of my week going to jury jury selection and do anything I don’t want to be here and I can’t say that what can I say what can I write on this piece of paper that gets me out of it and she goes
and she stands up
people sick of me and the job
I’m religious religious on the Jeff Davis are there wouldn’t be any juries in our anywhere I know they changed the system I got the jury that guy and then I wrote a religious this and that and then you got another thing back that said get your ass in here and boy did try your go to go to jail and I read about Jared Leto and I prepared for that one unfortunately I actually had to think but as last time
I’d be interested I think that’s how I felt the same way I feel about soccer piracy like I stole my ass a lot of it so if I need Photoshop I made enough money off of using Photoshop for free that like if I have it like they get it and it all worked out for all of us in the end they got when I was in that $5 a day wasn’t going to cover my rent yeah I was like fuk jury duty but now I’m like okay that’s a bit I’ll go in I’ll do my duty as a duty as I like nobody did it what the fuck you going to do there you could make a difference so I can so I went into the LA Zoo. Correct and I went through two days of his business and it was just funny because I was like like my heart was pumping of like like I might going to try to get out of it am I going to like try to say I’m so I won’t be impartial and it but I watched them picked off one by one if I pick off I mean not pick up like
out of jury duty I just said like religion and disturbing because there was a woman who stood up I didn’t say I’d like like you faking being a victim of a violent crime and not wanting to be a part of this and being emotionally traumatized by it and she was either Meryl Streep and I watched a woman get abused a second time by the system because she was like I just said she was fuked up about it because they tell you the details and then this thing happened to Elizabeth and she’s like I can’t do this I’ve been through this before on the panel window on the panel
and editor that was a good step sit back down and it was like like like nobody got let go they did not do any of that buzzes and I was in the elevator with her and I turned her it was just awkward moment because I didn’t take her to her and I said like I can’t believe they didn’t let you go and she responded to me like like a really emotionally said said said said like I wasn’t trying to get wet
but I was saying like see a jury duty right hook the shit by that like I can’t believe the government and rape you in there I felt like I was like I’m not going to go up there and go
I’m not doing it I’m going to eat it and I cuz that lady is going to be haunting me for the rest of my life.
Manor never raises her down for the due diligence and we end the whole day and then I go home I’m busy as fuck am I got to go back it’s a bummer to have to go downtown at the first world problems but I go back and I’m there and we show up and we’re waiting outside the other guy comes by cuz there’s been a development you can go to lunch so I went to lunch space shuttle was being flown all around La I don’t know this is an important part of the story but it was a bad experience for me because I had no idea I was a jury duty it was just like a drink it’s it’s 11 a.m. and
I’ve never I never hang out downtown so I’m just like walk I like it when you go have a margarita and I looked on my phone for a martini icons and was like following it and as I’m walking across this part of the industrial park at downtown it was like a zombie movie like everyone was like looking at a fixed point in the sky and I have till I get back nine times I kept looking for like a suicide jumper or there was never anything this is what happens if people when they worked like maybe they may be there just grazing freedom I go there just looking at the moon like what would it be like there you could live in a crater and
no one has ever fought with you just keep looking at it just suck it up into my eyeballs for another 6 hours worth of data entry. This one lady I was I didn’t stop her and she stopped me whenever Harmon you don’t know
I don’t know it is like the space shuttles coming
what do you mean
what do you mean it wouldn’t I still don’t understand.
What is a new Scar from Neptune fresh I’m coming I just kept walking between people into an empty be like pfchangs or something give me everything you have behind because I had to go back and re-watch that figured it out on the TV there like I do they’re taking the space shuttle everywhere there flying it all around all over the goddamn place for some reason so I got a text from Deana when you sang the space shuttle flying around
half a mile quarter mile from there and I didn’t hear it go by and saw I was sitting on my toilet taking a shit
I like pleasing my phone be here to grab my phone pull the blinds up and I have a shot
I just watched it on the news.
I was like watching the TV there it’s coming it’s coming and then they would they were running out on the TV like a way better I have five friends are going to go downtown and cities that do they have it in their Museum and it’s like we’ve got your space shuttle soccer there’s there’s there’s there’s outer space and out so much. Being the victims of a violent crime
that was reversed right I was I was being Alan Alda about that the so I go back traits my corpse back to the courthouse and then we wait again for another like hour and a half to take a shower so to recap here like the whole lake from morning to lunch like we were just waiting and something weird happened in the bailiff just to fuck off and go have lunch and come back so I’ll come back I’ve been downtown all day I come back we wait another hour the bailiff comes out and goes like we all Shuffle in and we knew something was fishy because he didn’t tell us like do 674 go to the left of the old is Johnny Cash
you’re free to go and he didn’t explain anything so you’re free to go
okay at the elevators and I saw one of the attorneys and they tell you don’t talk to the attorneys until after the case and as I said one of them waiting for the elevator the case is over right so can I ask you what happened and and the prosecutor looked at the DIA and my terms right thing Sam Waterston wasn’t there to opposing attorneys and it kind of looked at each other like as if to ask themselves is it okay to answer the question and nnn didn’t show up
you need a translator in court cuz he was like it was like it was a gang thing like he stab somebody and I’m assuming a lot to talk about this now it’s not blowing the roof off of the 2nd stabbing in the blah blah blah and he had a translator in the courtroom and the translators can only work in shifts so there was like always some James Carville guy walking in and training of the tagging out who’s the most weirdest thing of world of kid just sat there for a day wasted my fucking time don’t stab make it if you’re listening and then the next day is like I’m not some guys I guess it’s what I do if I stabbed someone for didn’t and everyone thought I did maybe he stole a shuttle we spent the whole night talking about jury duty
okay I’ll keep that in mind you can go if you have it taken care of and you can leave if you were kind of on hold and she comes to me and I do all these improv show dates that travel around or an improv comedy all right Jeff Davis says you going to be out of town Thursday anywhere this venue February to comedy shows what kind of comedy shows improvisation
the hundred people who have interesting life I work for like 4 hours coming up with you guys
are you going to be famous mr. Davis and I said yes your honor
get out of here
alright that’s it goodnight.
All right I don’t know well that I asked Adam to bring his roommate has a weird relationship with his roommate is at I want to explore a place
Adam is going to bring Humanity up his roommate and we’re going to get to the bottom of of why things are so uncomfortable between us in the apartment called Earth
Cinco de Mayo
wasn’t that I was in The Green Room with with our friend that does not exist documentarian Neil Berkley making a movie about us going into her he does not exist he’s not a person that is going to be in the movie so everything I say about it but I wanted to talk like he was shooting me she asked questions information this is like so what are you going to do tonight or somebody he’s not that way I don’t remember what he’s asking me I’ve always thought that you should do this and I want to try that other than there was a point where he said
I may be mischaracterizing it but this is how I perceived that he went like
like he was kind of like he’s like a documentarian is going to wait a minute what the fuck is going on
are you are you always this
no he didn’t say that but it’s not I don’t know I don’t have the camera I mean I’m talking I like
that’s all
I don’t want to throw me under the bus I want I wanted to talk about my anxieties that that causes right about what what do you do when someone asks you that this is how you really couldn’t tell what you’re going to say no no no I meant like I was that’s what I thought you meant Jesus called out always on that’s what I thought he meant like that’s with me I was like yeah I guess it’s possible I may be overly conscious of the camera I am talking after all to a camera so I’m probably not acting completely like I normally would but I was through me and it made me wonder if I’m a human being or not right
whatever I don’t know I don’t have no idea how am I supposed to know if you think eventually we’re going to be at cameras going to be up your nose for almost 3 weeks you can all get used to it is you he wasn’t see a heatwave because we talked about I was like what the fuc and I cuz I’m self-obsession but what did you mean tell me everything what did you mean and he said he could you tell me where mom always used to call me back Adam and his roommate but I just wanted to say it’s 9:20 I just I was just thinking of this thing that happened before the show
well what is it now what are you saying that I’m not normal. I think you’re very normal
I mean I I I don’t know I talk how I talk it’s not
so I just try I just trying to express myself and you do
like I am nervous about the way I talk I talk way too fast I would love to talk slower and I want to listen to the podcast that you’re on your way more articulate than I am cuz I’m talking a mile a minute
yeah we we we both have all the modulations of when we’re talking well and talking poorly yeah I’m just so upset with myself one like I was like oh do I am I what was I supposed to do I’m going to break you down
he’s really great that he’s a powerful presence to have I like I like I like him the camera he is up your ass he doesn’t he’s not going to give no quarter to your ass what you doing and he’s like no did you get in the light that is like touching my cheek but I kind of pushed it is a key look beautiful that way James documentary
I was crying because I do understand I’m crying because you doing this and he’s like yeah you beautiful when you cry
I did it I don’t know where I could get a beach ball inflated handed me a beach ball I was just like now now now playing with it what do you what do you fuck around at the beach play with it it was fucked up I just wanted to talk to you about it because I’ll forget tomorrow I mean it was a pink camera was like no lens in like a ridges
can I see a dildo
why is that too far I don’t know you guys are customer’s always right whatever you guys think is entertainment is up to you but earlier I will remind you that I said I felt someone’s poop by locking them in the butt and you were you acted like they cook without her and that you were friends with Dane Cook
treasure our dungeon master extraordinaire
tacos current his throne
without Bachelor his Satchel is unfurled with the power of a million Rim locks
you said that you were a level 3 Mage level
nana nana
so did you get off of work yeah okay I got I got the tents from the 31st off so if we’re within those days I’m good otherwise I might like have to dive out earlier this month the 31st put your right in there you go sick of things
Marshall are a podcast producer is going to Endeavour to release her podcast daily so that people might follow the so you guys will be left out when we come back to be in on the 31st of January we’re in store at sketchfest in San Francisco which is no offense Los Angeles but you’ll all agree cuz you’re from Los Angeles to our favorite City San Francisco we we love it and we were going to be there for a sketch Preston do do our final tour show there but then then we’ll be back here in LA and we’re going to try to put together like a big thing we should have a pig like homecoming at The Wiltern yeah sure I don’t know whatever we’ll just stack homeless people and make up make a stage out of them
just walk all over and just go
there were less of these in Montana
squishy here but anyway I’ll be I think we will talk about what we learned what we do what we didn’t learn should anybody happen to see us at a gig but that’s here tonight or come to our shows here I brought in the road come in or just yourself and be nice to see it like it was nice to meet any like travel and Armenians Armenians I saw the heart for The Armenian you the other day I saw Armenian
imagine there’s much of a line between me and Armenian made I’m doing doing pretty pretty good good thanks you guys
are you are you ready to get a tour bus God knows how long that I don’t usually do things and that sounds like a thing is almost certainly a thing so it’s got to be very exciting for you yeah it’s a change of pace of things
you’ll be you’ll be doing what you normally do at 70 extra miles per hour masturbating
address for movement transfer
I think that’s what I we’re going to be together forever I didn’t even thought about that I’m going to wear your ass like a hat
I’ve seen I’ve seen enough movies to know Anna
what it what is Goldberg real quick
I bet he replies for the return of Adam Goldberg I asked you to bring your roommate and I asked you to bring back that plate I gave you last night but in my defense is a very passive aggressive move to handsome in a big heavy plate full of baked goods and then ask for the plate back when they’re nowhere near their plate of holding device left it like in a public restroom
I couldn’t I couldn’t wait for you to ask for it back so I can explain to you your twenty-four-year-old ass. You don’t do that at if you don’t have them in a big heavy plate full of makes things a lot of things in public restrooms
I should have taken a bunch of half-eaten cookies and just like to Brownies like upside down like a desert rain over 80 miles from Agoura Hills California the Diabolical in to bring like a hot tray of snacks do atoms I talk to my roommate who’s the chef at can we get a round of applause for my roommate
all right
all right
blackjack right all right
he just walked out the back door do you need help
that it was been given a terrible latitude apartments and I’m not sure I’m crazy about all right Adam Adam Adam Goldberg’s roommate was already on your side
Joan of Arc Hitler’s therapist
what is your name is that a lot of people middle names like in in comedy writing Sarah Silverman’s middle name of the Sarah Silverman program was Anastasia and Pierce Hawthorne in communities middle name was pierce Anastasia Hospital
you know you are the first people just point that out it’s true
what’s the origin of Anastasia it’s actually from two Greek words that mean Resurrection it’s a pretty common Greek in Russian name just not here or does she live
we’ll be right back I got to go to interview I’m not good if there’s an edge of the pool Within Reach I will grab it.
disappeared I just assumed you know why I thought it was weird because you’d never been here before an atom is like a regular that’s an understatement he come in so you would never come here so what what’s that about is it that’s not a judgment of us right you
so I work when other people play and this is usually an issue like I work on Fridays I work on Saturday with school I used to cry about it I I worked for Wolfgang Puck catering until about a month ago and I now work at the USC Radisson sports bar they’re called me pays but USC me to University at the USC Radisson
I do many things well I don’t think they should be managing hotels amalgam of higher education
technically I’m a cook I you’re not a chef unless you manage you know a staff isn’t technically shift don’t really do a whole lot of cooking as a result of this thing you’ve ever caught Adam Goldberg wearing
you brought it up at a stop
that’s why I was here ok Google Burger in my opinion what the what
at the risk of just so you feel kind of naked right now so give me a moment give me a moment
choose to be social right now or do you want vodka
to drink today with a sharpie kind of my butt like I do not not recently I’m getting your ice but
text me in like the bar as low as far as like human dignity like it does that you don’t need to but bacteria are you talking about your phone
here’s your ice cup
wow it’s an Porter 7 oz of vodka over my finger
there must be an embarrassing thing I could tell you to put you at ease it’s not really embarrassing
I’m kind of hesitant to call this a kink it’s not really a kink it’s not really a fetish
this is home
that’s the thing but I’m a
I can’t believe you don’t come here every week
this is your home with this is where you belong
okay so I’ve been in two for a while some of you might already know what that is Zentai Zentai

clean up your act Asians
what are you asleep
meet you here anyways what is it what is it head to toe spandex suits well that’s a cousin of II
I’m like I I work in a restaurant where they’re trying to make magic with seven people under your clothes or just do it like you mean like it’s over your face yes
could you rob banks
actually what you go out of the house in a in a full spandex head-to-toe suit and I just walk around just because I feel like it
play enough as long as I don’t make a huge deal about it and no one else does either there are occasionally like there is occasionally genuine alarm like a ninja
I remember ordering a couple weeks ago I ordered a pumpkin spice latte from the Starbucks to the charge you really are you going to do I run errands just ahead of you got the necklace on underneath it
a n a s t a you encounter people now you get to go there’s that there’s going to be like 500 people that listen to you and at the 40 of them are going to go wait me to guide there’s a thing as a subreddit
what’s the what’s the hugest has called and it’s a yes and it seems to be for Comfort like like maybe like a
it’s basically it’s either meditative thing for me or it’s like I used to call him hugs like enclosed yeah there’s a thing I have a big nylon fetish you have been here welcome aboard
so I can see you’re familiar with encasement in case
if you if you take nylon fetish retutu like like eight you and I remember when I was a kid when I was watching Batman and I’m pretty convinced that if I’m Craig who played the bad girl in the Adam West Batman church I’m pretty sure she has everything to do with everything for me because she had this red wig and she at she was like she looked good and everyone in that show was wearing the nylon something or spandex something it and Batman I’m tied you
Robin and Batgirl again like
like I remember being a really little kid in like watching Batman and like like putting myself in between a bunch of pillows and like like like like like like like like feeling the comfort and then I saw that Temple Grandin movie on HBO where she is and she made herself a squeeze machine
Temple Grandin movies fucking fat ass like it’s amazing. Everyone has to see it it’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Not as good as
I was wondering what would break
yeah I know there’s any good like people who like socks like like really tight like people squeezing me in then putting pressure on me like like like relaxes you weird message. I think my friend is Sue it’s like pajamas and it’s like it’s kind of like armor in a way I feel very safe and secure in a suit pretty well actually
pick up my pants is leveled up
all right what’s on the coffee table like like like it was empty blank rappers
oh God
I can’t even answer this one of only because it would just like I’ve been outside we got Adam Goldberg’s roommate up here and I don’t know I don’t want to like what what do the garbage. Like what one thing what can we eat what you want but you never going to happen.
should I bring our guide all over and
I just want we want to tease him about one saying like like like one specific thing does he have like a porcelain Bulldog that sits on his desk are
I see you like what does it what does he watch what’s his favorite
I mean I forgot to say I’m a cook and I hardly ever cook so whatever food is in the fridge is usually his he eats at this point I’m like I subsist on whatever leftovers I can get for the restaurant afford more than that I just don’t have time
oh my God he’s not normal
God damn it I want.
Is he is he so mean and what does he want from us all right well anything anything you get to get to you’ve been very gracious and very revelatory anything you want to say to America that America that was that’s presumptuous 50
DJ days tell your dad sorry I didn’t call him when Father’s Day
I pray you have a spot I do. I’m a bad interviewer hardly it’s just I don’t really have an answer to I need you couldn’t live without him Goldberg
I go I go where the ignore the you know the pellet give me the honey and I find that making fun of Adam gets me laugh so do you owe him money besides what I told you about and now everyone else knows about and I really and Starbucks just wanted to Starbucks you don’t care have you ever made out
will they at one point I was at strange now I just wanted to details as you throw knives at a board like like that
Asia Asia thank you so much for coming up and then burying your Humanity to us and resurrecting a character on the show Once Again God damn it we really fucked up we went too long it’s too late problem
alright Spencer
Dungeons & Dragons
where is dragons in 10 minutes and get the fuck out of here sorry our heroes Came Upon a horrendous seen a vicious Barbarian Raid on the white skull Knoll Village it was here that Sharpies father Lord mango Bots a lot revealed himself hurdling headlong at the party swords and spells blue as the forces clashed but when the dust settled the Barbarian life sleeping on the floor suffering from a face full of magic there are adventurous stand in the wreckage of the white skull Camp as Dawn breaks on the grassy Hills of the bus Peninsula so if you work all your standing in the wreckage of this Knoll Village right and he like he knocked him out yeah my your liking to draw a head or something but we took him out systematically and now he’s sleeping it off and you’re figuring you were you’re thinking about taking his anchor
I remember I and we love I go speed round level three
I I thought you by mentioning I was going to kill but the traffic was a lot by accident on the floor you noticed several Barbarian warrior Warriors suddenly creeped out of hiding and Simon and Erin mcgathy everybody
Amore to Donna which body Upon Us tells me so Donna is Armenian for Satan
alright sorry sorry it’s so late
there’s there’s barbarians coming out of the out of the bushes they seemed relieved hey hey hey man only use it as much as I have two thanks for knocking at our war chief it’s kind of crazy on Tuesday nights and his son
Sharpie Sharpie bottle at Starbucks. Nice to meet you so you guys yeah I’m talking to the barbarians
play is it I came to stop you cuz you’re headed for the you’re headed to talk to the dwarves right no see that was just a clever ruse to throw them off our Trail we really came here to this Knoll Village to wipe it out
the plot thickens
never ever like sometimes we’re up against the wall and I’ll go like
you want to cast Niger yeah I get lucky
so we’re level 3 now so I’m going to try to be there because I asked these barbarians as a barbarian myself I greet them with my with what’s the old Barbarian handshake all right. Our handshake
the first person on the left holds their hands together as if in prayer the other person does the same and holds their hands 90�� and they they bisect each other’s fingers and then look through each other’s hands
and chuckle
it’s a goodie yes yes we did expect you you see your church he was here before he told us you’d be coming haha
again thank you for killing not killing our Barbarian Lord please don’t lose his body it’s important to us to me I mean he came me
when he wakes up as I what what do we how do we get him on our side will he wake up in a better mood sorry
you guys weren’t headed towards any dwarves at all know you see the enemies but that was not the intention of this destination Mission looking for something I have no problems with the words per se but the hammer beer drop draw a lot of themselves they’re very warlike their Marshal they’re not normal dwarves they’ve been trying to overtake this planes for years he was in there bad dwarves yeah I’d say so
take your word for it you said you were here to find tell me what will what will you were supposedly her to find it see that’s actually classified I think only mango nose was wake him up if you want to wake him up if I grab some water from a nearby Wells flash going to space on his face he wakes up with a start
what are you doing here happy Father’s Day
I want my cake what are you doing here I was out in the field and I was trying to work up my Mage powers and I had an epiphany that I should come in a tone with you finally come to take a run at your old man that’s very brave
you got to take a run at you. I just wanted to be a wizard like I came to take a run at your feelings
your words strike a chord in his face softens he says you know back when I used to beat you
got magic would make you weak but now I realize magic is strength magic is the universe and Magic but now I realize magic is power Vines My Tribe and crushes my enemies Under Foot and that’s why I’ve been pursuing these fragments are called the fragments of power only have one of those records
I whisper to Sharpie
Donovan Abbott and Costello
I think we I think we have two of them
Dad I think we have two of them using fragments we had one and then don’t lie to your father sharp I just can’t keep track
often our adventures occur late in the evening when I have crossed a threshold will show them to me I pull out my dick and balls and then I say just kidding
we had two fragments right we have the one that we got that you had when you stole from Darkstar he inspects the dazzling crystals
you guys are much quicker than a man the stones back his face contorted with rage so hard to gain we will exact a price for them Jesus he looks at you with a new understanding and then you see behind him approaching us to know he’s thinking up he’s holding a haunch of meat he’s munching on it a hunted what’s of meat on closer inspection takes an inspection you realize it’s the leg of an ol but not his foot 7 foot or his personal foot the one he owned
kids and Chris off at that I just I just keep him like a bug that I’m talking to you guys make the action I mean okay so you should have his foot and his foot
well it does Miss he looks at you with with anger and everybody approaches mango without you guys talking roaches mango and they turn their backs on another it looks kind of like your Crystal but it’s a deep blood red it to him
dad listen you said that you have a newfound respect for magic so I would hope that that would be a entree into a newfound respect for your son’s vocation and a newfound respect for the potential destruction that magic can cause these two shards that we’ve uncovered you know who we got them from people who were corrupted by their power and you know we just need to make sure I’m all for Gathering all of them to keep them out of the hands of the shity
he seems a bit calmed by your speech you know you always had a way to convince him sometimes when what happens if we if we give you combine all these shards together what what is the other forces that create you see the fragments of power about fragments of the tapestry of Fate you can imagine the universe
as the the reflection of the light that light is Magic the light comes through the tapestry of Fate projects are reality but these four words they determine what the reality is what the fragments in hand one can determine whatever reality they wish and will it into being with the charts with the fragments of power you are the tapestry. Do we have three of the four all for now you guys personally have to one of them’s the one you found one of them’s a pretty large one that you purified from the Admiral Darkstar he hit you saw that red one maybe that’s that’s number three he might have other ones he hasn’t told you about it cuz I’m very strong
you have to ask Sharpie for that he owns it right now
that’s fine I say that we are we can bind these three aside to call them but I say at least let’s make sure that we are good people are involved when the for our United then we can cross that bridge when we come to it let’s unite these three and then go after the fourth one together has red one
hey Dad Dad you know your Crystal Shards read it supposed to be
what do you know of these stones have you studied them again I got some hands-on experience taking two of them and I I think I purified one of them I was again very drunk I’m not coming to you as a proud man dad I’m coming to you as a guy with two shards and I’m saying yours is red an AI I think that you know when they’re different colors they should be purified
if I’ve learned one thing in this adventure
different color should be purified
can I try to purify your red Crystal dad
I don’t know what this purification process might do what it do you know what this is going to make him less magical do you know that
yes you say reasonably unconvincingly
I know you can get some
climactic and climatic at the same time
that’s how it goes he hands you the red Crystal
yeah but you don’t know what that means I mean you haven’t you haven’t liked done tests on a nun purified versus a purified are colored to like bride do you know I just put the three together
show me Temple of Doom from gibberish you notice the red one glows red is good
let’s commit to this maybe Reds good
sound good use Alchemist fire to examine the color of the Stones The Flame is essentially an incendiary device why don’t you shoot people speak
why did you do that did you think he was going to eat a chicken leg to keep him still
I’m sorry I’m sorry
show don’t tell mango calls what’s going on in purified one and two red ones very well. There might very well be more than for an Irate Ranger for the fourth one
arrange unsuccessfully
I’m here I’m sorry
am I seven knives at the Moon
all right Dad yes what would you think about taking these things to someone that would know better than us you know what what their potential dangers are you want to know what their potential dangers are check this out
he grabs his red Crystal from your hand and he swallows it
okay nothing happens nothing happens
all right
this is why I left home Ryan
I never said he was saying he might be crazy
what is that the first time you’ve ever done that no no I had this is my third you have you swallowed the second one of the hardest things to more or two more still okay so Dad what can you do have having swallowed this
soon soon you’ll see my arrow to do surgery of a painless and then
what does heal skill I think you’re like a plus 9 to heal
Dad I’m really taken aback by your behavior
I’m not surprised you know nothing of the fragments you know nothing of the tapestry you know nothing of true magic I said so he but he’s not trying to go for my fragments right now I might too busy, I’ll be like a toning with them know I’ll just have to fucking unused fragments in my best I helped kill me I don’t know what to do
the tectum admit
what does detect magic detector detect magic allows you to see auras emanating out of things that are magical as you focus harder those or has become more distinct and determine the nature of such magic I will I will detector test detect Magic on my dad’s stomach
and on the shards in my hands you sent several or has magic ones coming from the stone in your hand once coming from the larger stone that was that it’s been turned red now like huge or is emanating out of Lord but a lot and in a sizable or as emanating from Jeff’s pocket
well that we knew about it
no one was to the best it was a big sword you noticed Lord but a lot is emanating am at a magic of intense chaos and anger and power I have a I have magic to you can’t see it though so I mean when he says something to you have no idea is happening to the panic mode so what’s next where we headed next we take this fight to the dwarves you see the dwarves have fragments to they want ours we need to wipe them out before they finish their plans decimate my lands where do you think they are the mountains that they live in if you see their used
more like mountains probably don’t well I mean we were the show’s way too late and existence you have a few of them there might be many more find a missing teeth or trying to figure out what’s happening with he seems to want to get the ones from the dwarves or maybe just killed it together yeah so Barbarian after my own heart well-served
did you try to kill me I’m a dwarf
yes and adieu and said yeah I’ll tell the dwarves
it’s a very good question two very good alright I just once bitten twice shy guy said that you make a big proclamation to to me to mail ran into you to Lord what’s a lot about what about look just like The Hobbit inches reacts I thought you find a way to end this non act break it a great flourish right away that you would end you would break up The Hobbit into 1/3 call for the Lord of the Rings the thing that one character did was it did you ever
notice what it seems like a story is bad that it actually turns out it’s good cuz there’ll be another story I was like yeah I guess you’re right and then the end of the movie was how the about that we can’t do that here. We can work craftsmanship I just did it doesn’t work
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
but your mama’s dog such a mama’s cat fuck your mama in a Gnome Village what’s your mama and a pussycat pill is what your mama was an axe with your mama with a hammer punch your momma and made us understand why she was like your mama with a sword made of wood what’s your mama in the high plains
regular camera to harmontown everybody
same look how long one but hey
never have a really big pizza
sometimes the pizza is really big
the next day I was all pizza
thank you so much for coming down and out about Tina taking her lipstick on Jeff Davis some kind of trailer
I was like I said Katie Lavina audio recording Pac-Man Fever on 2nd and are producing a live show my web designer take you so much everyone to join us tonight for the Fellowship of the Nerds
thank you I just asked me if you’re coming up Adam Goldberg
are the showers
what are the colors purify colors


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