Episode: 124 – LIVE in Houston, TX with comptroller Erin McGathy!


Episode: 124 – LIVE in Houston, TX with comptroller Erin McGathy!


Harmontown is in Aust…no wait Houston and the gang discusses weddings, Erin hosts a game corner and producer Dustin shares stories about cum.


harmontown is now in session please welcome to the stage door mayor of Houston and of harmontown Dan Harmon
wait wait wait
big wait today
Peggy Houston maybe I should use
you have to tap it or is it like a Google Google microphone
boy what a fuk up and we start of the show
can I can guess what the first word said on the moon was probably your dad
yeah even the even the people in the moon got the city right now
that guy shouting out for the audience is referring to a fact that could have otherwise been lost to the ages
if it weren’t for your diligence sir the Woodward and Bernstein of the fucking a Houston show that during the Q&A that preceded the show having driven 3 hours from Austin to Houston thoroughly enamored with every city in Texas as I always am particularly ones with Alamo Drafthouse I referred to Houston as Austin I love you both I love Houston even more and then
there’s a lady in the front that cannot she’s compelled to remind us that we are in Katy
we’re technically and Katie I imagine it’s like you know I’m from Brown Deer Wisconsin it’s Milwaukee but it’s it’s like I’m sure Katie is like it’s a suburb of Houston right but no one no one no one wants to feel like they’re in Katy everyone was like that was either dodging taxes or exploiting workers and I don’t know what the history is but no one’s going to call this place Katie I swear to God I promise we’re in Houston and sometimes Austin if you get me drunk enough
alright Houston Texas some trivia about Houston Texas Aaron the typewriter was invented here
did you know that
bye-bye Neil Armstrong he got off of a rocket ship and he was like Houston we need a device that I can refuse to write a letter to tell you we don’t have a problem the Moon looks great I can’t wait to get back to Houston every buddy
Wes Anderson was is from Houston but I found her a surprise egg Lance Henriksen holy shit that’s awesome Wes Anderson I mean all right fine
is he’s not here is he he’s he’s adorable pink handran diorama
is it thuy it’s very it’s way alright you look very nice tonight
will added all this out what are we referring to like the people are listening there like I just heard a cutting the carrots for my salad hurry up do your show
for those of you listening is an amazing shadow puppets on the Houston river which runs from
Dallas to the Gulf of Mexico founded by Travelers who are were selling pelts and spices
to the houstonian Indians of Texas
all right Dad I know that you did that you prepare that’s right before class but go ahead what would become Houston Texas began as a cowboy hat store next to a cattle trough where you could sleep your livestock thirst or fitted with a custom hat soon after that the local barber moved in back then took a lot of people don’t know this Barbara’s were also the police and dentists there was a famous shoot out here at the Houston Corral between a how that didn’t get his hat fitted properly in a dentist that the thought he was in charge of the lot. I was just curious or those with a Barber’s and the dentist were they were they carrying Insurance like true to their profession or did they have guns like cops and then also a
test in 1900 which is when the city was founded would have a peasant as a as a as a deputy or Sheriff knew would have a gun where you know a six gun on their hip and a big hat made next door and but as a dentist they would have the dental tools as well and there’s a lot of famous stories Billy the Kid he’s famous for shooting on I-59 people 47 of those are Houston dentist and it’s not because he was quicker on the drive because they forgot they were on the clock and they drew like a pic instead of my God
I just it’s a simple mistake they were actually better Cowboys and Billy the Kid he wasn’t that big a deal and you spent a lot of time in Houston
start shooting innocent dentist innocent talented wonderful law-abiding quicker on the draw dentist who made a simple fuck up and paid for it with their lives and we’re reduced to footnotes in the history of some assholes who preyed on dentist
Houston Houston exist in the shadows of egomaniacs tyrants Liars politicians vampires they sit here they weather the storm Houston that’s why the first mayor of Houston Richard Dawson called Houston city on the verge
that’s what it’s called that’s it that’s then you can see it on its license plates Houston has its own license plates
the only city in Texas to have its own license plates as of 1983
I heard that that unit the infamous Houston underground the the society under the city having a city underneath that’s out called Houston
because it gets really hot here in the summer and if you need to get your haircut you could die just walking from your house to get your haircut so they have adopted the practice that moles and ants before them have adopted of staying underground to stay cool it’s no big deal
don’t blame them for it there and underground people
because they’re they’re taking up a lot of the city’s resources will the controversy is actually that they cheat a lot of Houston is actually in Arizona.
and they they they do that because they do this weird measuring thing or they you can only technically if your measuring property you have to do it above ground and so they cheat and I like actually Houston is 750000 MI in diameter and a lot of it exists in like under Las Vegas and Phoenix and and they use it as a tax jot Dodge and yeah it’s it’s a big problem like it’s sensitive and you can hear these people you can hear I think you can hear their silence on their murmuring it’s because they’re sensitive about it they know like they know that used to be as guilty of this but at the same time they profit from it Beyonce’s Dad
that’s cracked Heinrich Knolls Utah
the third he was a former Nazi sympathizer turns
1940’s Houston engineer he was at the Forefront of the automotive Revolution he designed a lot of what we call today’s highway system you started in Houston it was a sort of guinea pigs today yes yes yes I again you’re shaming them and they don’t deserve it there a good City they’ve done a lot of good for a lot of people and you’re bringing up the terrible things that they’re mole people who were founded by a Nazi
is obviously there a Houston is Infamous for for for for danger and mystery and Intrigue I just have so many questions then because I know that you know so much about the typewriter was invented here it’s like focus on the positive this is the first city to ever elect a three-legged governor
it was the first city to elect a governor the governor they used to tell you how to elect a mayor Houston broke that wall down Houston said no we want a governor it’s all lost to history now you look it up and I just had some crap about Mission Control just garbage a big NASA politics I mean your kind of this is this is a really important city this is all right this is all right the United States elevator to the Moon if I’m not using it but I’m going to start me a to know that you know about the you guys know about the elevator principal like lately
somebody was telling me about that sounds that sounds like breaking news
this sounds like breaking news
yeah I’m going to get this very wrong but
they are there is a
Texas principal that rocketeers I think they’re called is space engineers are are like talking about where I checked it it’s actually might be actually practical scientifically rather than launching things to and from the moon to the that we should build a space elevator because the physics work out that wants the that gravity is a problem when your building like Towers in shed but if you commit and actually build a power tall enough it gets out into space and then of course the opposite effect is happening out in space and it’s like you can actually just make you just like metal noodle connecting the earth to the moon or maybe just the Earth maybe not to the Moon cuz I think that would bend and break it I fix it took to build like a space elevator that takes you out into space rather than a rocket that you would just a man you know and let me tell you
that’s all that’s all that’s a 27 minute ride minimum
the band moon news
don’t think I don’t have it so I can just play it occur whenever we deploy I have several cues that I’m very proud of and could you tell me if the kinds of things that you have music for it so I can bend you tell me not to do it here we go Looby loo the week what do you want
cancel that. I want I want to I want to I want to meet one friend from Houston just as just a just a random person
they spit those people who are calling themselves
is at night why I can’t not I’m going to see Minecraft disqualifies you immediately people kill themselves if I started talking about Minecraft we got theirs
there’s a teacher what’s that
Asian guy that’s it goes a long way in
physicist I heard
Community College glass of tequila or just got married
. Okay who’s the guy that just got married is that is that Tom Gray
Tom Gray come on
Andre is wearing a tasteful Heather sweater he is walking with confidence but not with arrogance
someone called that that’s not random good point I know his name for some reason Tom here’s the thing your wife is the best wife in the world she went she tried to put the fix in your gravity Mike that you want she talk to me while you were taking a shit oh and said make me the best wife in the world bring my loving husband that I’m married to for a week up on stage somehow I was prepared to do what what she didn’t know is that you would be like bring me up probably knew that she’s a good wife spite of your Zeal it’s been 7 days she’s so when you’re when you’re married for a week what’s it like it’s been good yeah I mean we’ve been together very long time so I was very curious to see if anything would change and nothing seems to have changed
how long I don’t want to get it wrong eight years she says she’s got this she’s wrong actually it’s longer so we we’ve known each other since middle school dated in high school
did you guys go to prom together and he reacted to you saying you bet your wife and middle school as if you said you got bit by a brown recluse
I’m lost her leg Yeah Yeah that wasn’t good but I know she wouldn’t go to prom with me actually want to go to Deer still felt feel good about that decision or we won’t we will try to tell me if you don’t believe here you don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to answer but I’m going to ask whatever I want to ask so so you if you met your wife think the reason that guy said Jesus Christ is because when you met the woman that you ended up marrying you were so young that she might have been the 8th woman you met probably had so the question is like how much fuel playing did you do before you committed to your fantasy football
over my metaphor metaphor sucked a small town in Wisconsin and there is a there’s at least two couples I could name that we’re couples when we were in high school and at my 20-year reunions we’re all 40 whatever we are and and and two of them are still up you out there married couples and they have kids that are old enough to be here at the show me to meet the love of your life
when you’re a child does that mean that everyone is full of shit
what does that mean that the people in question are really lucky what is the truth There’s 7 billion of us on this Earth are we are we really keys and tumblers why is the divorce rate now like a million percent and whereas in caveman times it was 0% is it just because we were brutal people and try and made
I can bring it back to your area might might might if I was Howard Stern the way would pose my question is how many people have you had sex with an address to Preferred your first question in the Howard Stern question but the answer that question would be one your wife you lost your virginity to her and you guys like I mean that’s a beautiful thing I think that’s a system that works
there’s a group of children upset that a great happy about it they’re playing hopscotch in there they’re high-fiving you on your almost Mormon like life what is set so you got you guys met in junior high you met as like you met when it was actually illegal for either of you to do anything sexually you grew into sexual adults you did it with each other you took a vow to only do it with each other forever wow you are one week into that and you’re saying nothing’s changed and so what do you think what do you think the odds are because society says 70% chance
another Howard Stern question I mean I don’t know I think it’s just people are fascinated with stuff cuz we want to know like are we allowed to be romantic are we allowed to be pie-eyed are we are we allowed to not be cynical because sometimes I can be the biggest mistake you ever make I think sometimes like I always think like only watch romantic comedies we actually poison ourselves because then we take that into a relationship to relationship can actually be so much more romantic if we actually allow ourselves to be human and not like these characters that are played by Matthew McConaughey and Meg Ryan and and what not like like we’re watching 90-minute little stories about how it could be one of the worst thing in the world in the other hand it’s like Trulia a resource that we’ve squandered in this country we don’t have it anymore like the idea that all I just love you fuck it let’s just be together forever and you know what
question for you I just tried it I think I think the people in the audience want to know as they would they want to know from Neil Armstrong what what what’s it like the land of the Moon they want to go for somebody who hasn’t fought anybody other than their wife what are the how how are you going to do that are you going to pull this off
I mean what are you do
floor and then you’re like oh God I’ll kill myself and then you’re doing a documentary about you and I was like what it how do you tell your parents
I I am I am I am I am settling down with Aaron at the perfect time I guy I’ve met the love of my life and I also coincidentally I don’t I’m not I suffered No Illusion that I would ever even be thinking about like What would life rod bring me if I if I didn’t do this but you seem like a young strapping man here Prime of your life my God I bet you dip your medical app
I just always felt like I would be a really bad single-person oh God yeah yeah the alternative is always worse yeah yeah
but your ear so right about romantic comedies that we’ve talked about this before but I’m a romantic comedies pedal this idea of its not real that partners are like looking for apartments for those apartments are already furnished so you go into an apartment or like I could live here in a while I’m not into this fighting for the way that relationships really work is that you go into a space that’s unfurnished and the Furnishing is the relationship that you build together so you walk into a space and it’s it has to be like a space like in the part of town that you like and the city that you like I’m going to keep on going with this metaphor so I can build I could live here and then together you you furnish it but there’s if there’s a site that you’re living in the apartment and then you look across the way into another apartment
oh my God I know that’s where I’m supposed to live but no you don’t you don’t just get all that that’s not what a relationship is the romantic comedies romantic comedies but it’s just like any valuable relationship be important stuff I think of stuff that you build together and the stuff that’s the most romantic for me with me and Dan is when we have like
when we have like a breakthrough together as a couple when we the most romantic thing is when we work through something like that. Something’s wrong comes like any other movie treat romantic relationships like any relationship they do but we don’t notice it as much between Han Solo and Luke Skywalker as we do between you know the exact the couple of Sleepless in Seattle the characters in movies have to be dimensional eyes they have to be complete as individual and then they have to kind of match up perfectly and then they have to walk away like I said at the end of Casablanca saying I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship at any of my God I love that guy also love that guy they’re going to make a perfect Cutlass going to be great we approach Romancing rom-coms when the truth is a relationship is actually a very codependent thing where you’re like you have a if your relationship is going to have life like you’re going to be creating a new thing
there’s one of my relationships and both said intertwine but like you know not every romance should be a relationship for a night
like an Airbnb
but you don’t rent it you know if you fight with your wife Tom even married
yeah you’re a terrible person are you explaining what you guys cuz I’m always curious about that too like how ugly does it get like is there a cap that other couple have it’s probably about the same as any average couple you let me know what is it I mean it’s like that it’s like the Kinsey thing like we don’t we don’t know what average couples do we don’t we don’t know there’s no like we don’t people say like oh yeah I had a fight with my girlfriend last night we don’t really know what that means like we have we have lines that we draw it’s like did you did you touch her no okay no no I don’t do that but it’s like I don’t mean do you get when you fight with your lover like I say terrible things I get so mad and I don’t like say awful things and then we like we’re going to have to say those things that’s standing between me and
I’m I’m just being it and I apologize to my dad if he’s still listening but I am just being my dad on those moments like I’m like like like possessed by some ghost like what you did buy toothpaste why am I having a reaction to that nice fellow like you your shirt looks like a nicely pressed picnic blanket
your pants are are are clean and I I bet if I sniffed you I wouldn’t vomit like your shoes like nice your wife came up to me at your ear hair is cut your your your face is smooth you’re you’re a nice young man you’re you’re you’re very nice looking your wife is very nice she should you guys look nice together you’ve been married a week she came up you were in the bathroom she’s like I want to be a good wife to my husband I want you to make him happy you guys are adorable it’s like Parks and Rec of noxious

well and I want to know I want to know what the fight is Parks and Rec at night does it get community does it go like that and I don’t know how you can answer that cuz you’re such a nice guy but will first of all the clothing and in the way she looks and everything went with 25 so we’ve had like 15 weddings to go to this year we literally came from a wedding to come here that’s why I’m dressed like this we drove from a wedding to this I’m hoping this year but like if you’re 25 your your wedding attendance just started it like it’s going to double every year for the next ten years I’m done with my 35 you’re going to have a wedding that means by my calculations you were going to be at 8 three weddings a day cuz it doesn’t even really kick in until really tired of friends are 30
as for the fighting I guess we we actually went to different colleges and did long distance for 4 years so a lot of my fighting memories I guess would be over the phone I feel like that was where are our fighting got the ugliest when we don’t fight a lot we really don’t but I always feel like I hated arguing on the phone I really don’t even like talking on the phone which is not good for a long-distance relationship cuz you know that’s the only way you can really communicate or via Skype and things like that so I hated cuz she’s the type that when we argue on the phone she’ll hang up and then I call her back and she won’t pick up and then I’ll call her back and she won’t pick up and that that was always messy so that when you first brought that out that’s the first thing I think about is I hate any kind of argument over the phone
but you so is she hanging up because your getting overheated or is she hanging up cuz she’s like yeah usually from the iPhone out there she goes I just feel like I don’t throw the phone at her or anything like that and I just feel like I just I feel like a Marvel character like this is the way I talk to her sometimes
if you guys found that the any kind of arguing or anything since you’ve gotten engaged and started wedding planning I noticed that we’ve tended is the closer we got to the wedding I expected it to get more than I expected it’s actually different I expected it to get more stressful but we actually got more and more like how excited about it or mutant okay sorry I know we both self-destructed it every everything about Aaron that drives me nuts and everything about me to drive turnouts we double down because we’re coming up to the wedding we’re both unconsciously going like we’re going to marry each other better get used to it
you talked to continue your
don’t don’t don’t don’t act like it’s my fault that music doesn’t matter what’s going on I know I was not being Southern the but we also like I don’t know I guess we’re just so weird I feel like I need to somebody all of their faults become magnified in a way because you’re like craziness but I do feel like it’s because I take marriage incredibly seriously I have absolutely no intention of ever getting divorced if I get married because I feel like my parents generation was kind of a little fast and loose with the vows otherwise we wouldn’t be in the situation we’re in where everyone you know
raised by single parent families I also think it’s a bad thing to stay in a marriage for your kids and that’s literally the only reason you’re doing it then fucking divorce each other your kids will thank you later
but I don’t want to half-ass this thing you know I don’t want to I don’t I don’t like doing things twice I’m very lazy so they get married I want to I want to stay married for a really long time and so and for that reason I think it’s like I know it’s like all of a sudden you’re coming home and like every every little conversation is like has this like giant weight behind it and and and wouldn’t you know it planning a wedding as you may know like seems to involve a couple of activities and things that rhyme with the relationship of the wait will find it I found out where we’re going to couples therapy and I’m like Aaron is just doing everything with the cheating I just feel like I’m being parents doing everything with the wedding I tell her that I’m the first groom that’s ever plan 50% of the wedding but I’m lying to maybe 15%
I don’t know I don’t care about what I said they’re dumb
I hope that you guys
I hope the next time we talk to you that maybe we’ll talk to the next time we talk to them they’ll have a little gray baby oh no you shaking your head
he’s too either too. They’re too good they’re not going to bring a child into this world
what time does fixated on the the the the words gray baby together
he shook his head in a way that meant to me that either like what’s that or you just going to wait five years okay he said some of the wet the way he shook his head made me think you guys were about to have your first biggest fight tonight
go to that. I would really like to have a baby with nope and then he sat down I was like oh man we finally found a way to make them like us they’re going to they’re going to fight hard tonight she’s like why did you shake your head so hard are you excited about the wedding is very excited about the weather that a good a good segue to McAfee corner
I put together I put together a theme song for game corner I’m on the drive from Austin to Houston so here goes
what do Wicked Game Play
may you feel this way we get to do
and the song was that were those farts
those bears were farts those are farts by our very own Dustin Marshall everybody
the first one that I was trying to do in the car I was trying to record fights into the laptop and Dan was I took the laptop and it’s further is so gross I feel like you’re feeling for a little hurt cuz like your farts are so disgusting and what were those by the way it was like Wicked Game
doesn’t sound like farts
and I am for this game before the show I reached on Twitter I wanted to find a fellow redhead female
so can I please bring to the stage Caroline Caroline come on now you want to see if I can literally tell the difference between you and
you just want to test my face blindness I know she’s the one sitting in the chair
thank you so much for the pockets
Caroline and I answered the same set of questions and what I do is I’m going to resent the question I’ll give two answers and you’ll have to choose which one is my answer but we need someone to play against you for years is there any man out here this is an embarrassing question to ask you pretty well if you could like compete with Dad at knowing questions
there’s I saw your heifers come on now you just maximize the chance that this podcast recording will be used in a future criminal trial
is there any is there any man in the audience who thinks they know more about me than my fiance
all right
all right
okay so it’s going to be either no matter what happens you’re not calling off the wedding at this point like you’re supposed to be organic about this and just see
and I’m divorced so I’m not I’m good with married I don’t want that anymore so you’re safe no more
I’m so sorry out here we go. Of time all right so Caroline if you could position yourself like kind of in a way we can kind of look at both of us a little bit weird way. All right
great so this is the way we’re going to play we’re going to we’re going to we’re going to play it and if you if you answer correctly you’ll hear that if you answered incorrectly you’ll hear that for these noises already were familiar with that we like them like their family
all right here we go
here’s the first question
all right my favorite meal of all time is sun dried tomatoes a veggie cream cheese taco Tomatoes or B Buffalo mac and cheese with a crisp beer and a side of spicy pickles or bourbon
I will go with the sun-dried Bagel affair
Andrew I’m going to go with B
Hair Care lines you grab that microphone how are you doing how are you doing pretty management so I basically person Line Screening they came from Baton Rouge
which I was that was a fictional place I thought that CS Lewis made up Baton Rouge
oh yeah Hobbit town or whatever over in New Zealand
Baton Rouge I guarantee
all right Big Easy
I know but the Baton Rouge is sometimes referred to as the slightly smaller easy.
Hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, never misses that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the theme to like to my own life so it’s always a little t and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Black Cinema with Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
okay here we go question number two and Andrew you get to answer this question first
my childhood best friend and I used to play a game called the Dolly Parton game we would wear her mother’s sweaters stuff and with water balloons to make boobs and then we would take turns motorboating each other
Orbeez we would basically makeup on going so far for like stories and a lot of those stories because our relationship and romantic entanglement entanglements and Sassy kids Sidekicks were who were basically asked I think it has to be because I know a was mine and probably Dan’s as well
Dan with Dan which one is me you’re the Dolly Parton
I’m playing a different game if I get one of these wrong your but it’s two years of suffering
can I get another little bit of tequila thank you all right I don’t know if I feel like I’m hiding in a closet with one bulb swinging back and forth
all right it’s mildly terrifying up here like I don’t I don’t know how you guys do pictures
you’re at you’re totally right for them being here to illuminate us for so that they can see us
you’re doing a great job Aaron Jeff who
next question Dan you get to answer this first my mother’s maiden name is Hartley uncle
you better know this
Hartley D Dunkel
my mother is dead
I got
I mean it doesn’t even matter at this point if I get it right because I already revealed that I
don’t know so it’s a matter of whether I got the right and I don’t know what that would be kind of an empty Victory because I can flip a coin I think it’s Dunkel yeah I’m going to agree with Dan
all right Dan at three points and Drew has one point and you get to go first in this round expression when I was a kid I was afraid that my dead grandfather could see everything I could see so I close my eyes when I got out of the bath tub so he couldn’t see me naked or B I was afraid that I would be separated from my family and would wander the streets forever for that members of my family would be lost forever sometimes Amnesia was involved
I’m going to Gatsby
all right Dan I think how shit I think that so I don’t remember you ever talking about either of these things that’s why I’m trying to figure out which one sounds more like you
I think that because you’re inherently narcissistic the answer is the non empathy related one and the grandfather one involves thinking about other people so I think that it’s the pits be
no hours I could see through my eyes and close my eyes when I was changing my clothes
all right well maybe you became narcissistic later in life
and who developed a little known technology for NASA in which you could see through your living grandchild eyes it was actually legitimate fear
alright next question my first CD was a They Might Be Giants flood or be Glenn Miller Orchestra in the mood
Glenn Miller Orchestra I believe your first CD was your your first CD that you bought with your money in your possession so go ahead Glenn Miller
Carolina is in the cooler than me
are those your second City
oh really you talking to the microphone sorry that was her second CD that’s me and the same girl that you should play the Dolly Parton gave way to play this game called Eminem Amber we would like listen to the dances and pretend we got married and then way to take our hands and put them over or malice or pretended make out and then we would have a baby
why don’t more are there any gay men in the audience but I know every girl I’ve ever talked to they always give their developmental years that it’s like they’re so you know I don’t know guys have that would be we don’t do that but it’s like pee together and stuff I mean like together and we shouldn’t we show each other are wieners and in elementary school and I stand on the Annie you try to shoot it to cross and hit the guy standing over there with your pee or was it okay for people with your dick if you’re blessed like people are going to summer camp we would do this we don’t jerk off in a bucket and it like it’s a little weird but it’s all kind of penis based in like the penis is a lightsaber and we we we
it’s not but but girls like they just like I do it every almost everyone I’ve ever talked to in their early years there’s these stories where they just like oh this is how you socialize you go through this stage we’re with another girl you you practice being boys and girls together like why I was Van Zant
every girl I know for me it so I don’t want anyone listening to feel weird if it didn’t happen I just paid I just mean the
my friend it really felt like an extension of playing house which girls do you like to play we like to play like to play a lot of house and we like to do it when I was a kid when I was like 9 or 10 I think
me and my best friend we started we wouldn’t leave we started playing pizza pizza boy which should if it had an accurate title would have been called pillow humping because the game was he and I would pretend to be pizza delivery guys we would ring the doorbell of my home and pretend to that girl’s answered walk into a living room which we would pretend had to Invisible girls in it with and we were delivering pizza and then we would make small talk and we would sit down each with one of these large couch pillows so we’re ten years old so there’s like these 70 sofa pillows better like as big as us and we would put our arms around him in practice talking to them and be like yeah so what’s your name Stacy

Cameroon we’re talking two pillows and then we would start making out with the pillows and then me and my friend I know it’s the same thing except at the only thing different is that men have the second of it inherited homophobia where that we don’t practice on each other like a really specific line there and I don’t know if its nature or nurture that draws that line sure it nurture because we’re all human make when it really think about it cuz when I hear that from girls who like we would come over and shoot me Pinky Tuscadero 90 fonsi and then we but it was like a game show me and my ten-year-old friend humping pillows next to each other high-fiving like celebrating how straight and awesome we are pumping and pillows and then like we would go climb a tree and talk about I remember you were definitely
Bentley like that was part of the whole thing was like they had names I go mine Stacy and Minds Ashley and then I remember going and climbing a tree with my best friend and like I have an emotional memory a deeply a deep emotional bookmark of climbing a tree with my friend after doing one of these sessions and
and sitting in the bow of a willow tree in Milwaukee in the Summer Breeze and and and and that’s not that’s not commentary what it’s not anything it’s the random sound like like a lull in the conversation and I go yeah I’m thinking about thinking about proposing to Stacy
Ed just Silence from a remember I don’t think we ever did it again after that cuz I think I think that’s the line that got drawn between the people that end up at Ren faires and the people that end up getting 800 at Verizon I think that I I was like yeah what is the difference between any of this real person I’m going to me and Megan were doing and it wasn’t it wasn’t like real man who knew we were doing it
when we were playacting these things it wasn’t ever a romantic there was never a moment where it even occurred to us girls do this to get this could be a sexual thing like if someone was to walk it would look like you know cuz we always talk about how he wanted to go to college together and then we would have an apartment and to be play activist like episodic thing where we were too young cool women and the city and we both have boyfriends pretend to be each other’s boyfriends and so whenever I would be like I want to go to dinner we got to name her boyfriend’s my boyfriend’s name is David I think I would like
I wish I could just play frogs croaking or something I write random some sound does a banjo the Cleveland more disparate from Alfred
eye condition people
it’s what I do I punish them when they do things wrong and then they stopped
I’m a behaviorist I have a question how how old was the pillow humping thing like that guy so I had something like that I’m just wait what do you mean how old was it what time it is I just I just realize I’m a little bit more normal hopefully but here’s the weird thing about the pillow humping that that memory with me and my friend like both humping pillows next to each other looking at each other humping pillows and be like yeah it feels good right bro as part of some kind of play-acting thing like playing house and playing the role of men who are like doing it to women as pizza delivery a guy that I also don’t I don’t think it was as sex I don’t think it was sexual I think we were pre-puberty and we were doing this thing that there was enjoyment there was social like endorphins or dopamine is spiking but there was no arousal because I am the reason I know that is because
couple years later something incredible happened it was very private and and I wouldn’t have shared it with anybody and I also wonder if that’s nature-versus-nurture with a little boy discovers
physical groin area pleasure like if it’s if it’s nurturing nature that the little boy immediately goes this is a secret I am Howard Hughes I have invented something that no one else can know about I am dedicating the next 16 hours a day for the next 35 years of the I was like watching Mork & Mindy and
hopefully just Mehndi I was just a while actually hopefully cuz otherwise gaybro right man laying on my stomach watching Mark and Mindy looking at Pam Dawber high five and it was like moving my Lily my pelvis is moving
we’re looking at Market would have been okay
the guy saying too soon said it too soon
I just remember like like moving and moving watching Pam Dawber and like and then and then and then the movement there’s like a chain reaction than moving moving moving I’m going to keep moving I’m going to keep moving and keep moving and keep moving then the unthinkable the whole thing that ever happened to me in my life happening which didn’t involve at the time not to get to clinical did not involve any liquid because my body was just getting to that it was like at that point as I saw it was all it was was just this shot her and like last thing on my mind was my friend’s cat I wanted to go into a cave and I just do this by myself forever six times a day and so it’s so my point being that that’s when the real schitt’s
but that’s basically who I am now is that kid the kid who was playing pizza guy and just mining coitus next is best friend of living room switch weird it’s like it wasn’t it was sexual pantomime but it wasn’t it wasn’t sexual so I guess guys and girls not that different it’s just that but there is that weird I think this is so is it socialization though that makes two boys not in those moments reach out and or use each other why wouldn’t we and do some boys do all kinds of questions I guess you guys are the ones to ask
we should have a child psychologist come up here maybe they’re more imaginative and creative and they like to make their own toys and do their own crap right well guys kind of have a prop if you will like really on and we don’t we’ve got to come up with more shit right amazing Theory I don’t know but but I don’t think I’ll stick with all of us are wet cuz like like you guys aren’t these girls stories you’re not taking off your pants out there ever been a nanny and of work to have many many boys who do do the same thing and act out the same stuff and our physical with each other and it was a huge other with other boys kissing each other well I’m me and my friend never kissed you put her hands over her mouth and I pretended to guess but acting out
girls are acting them out it’s like a three year old little girl carrying around a baby doll she’s not actually wanting to have a baby at 3 years old this pack has been really switching to high Gary but also I mean it’s important distinction what do you mean you’ve watching them doing what cuz we’re driving a very fine line here I humped a pillow next to my friend but girls I’m saying like it’s a fine distinction but the girls like there is a time when I walked in on a two two two friends where they would be 9 years old acting out a doctor nurse scenario which on paper would be a very sexy thing like walked in on a like is this your butt hole look at that probably has cancer
keep searching this your butt
yeah yes yes that’s my but we didn’t ask that question later unless you definitely walk out and ask for a refund
you just stop going to a nine-year-old doctor if you can’t tell me I know it’s not your specialization but scenario I think they had seen like a movie where there is like a sexy nurse doctor situation or something where they were acting it out and trying to figure it out but it was a good thing cuz they were cuz you saying they were one kid was naked in the other kid was examining him
I remember exactly the right there is a bear there is variance in phase of undress there is something happening and when I open the door they’re definitely like ashamed about what was going on but it clearly was really innocent and it was they weren’t trying to make their bodies feel good or anyting self-awareness and where it intersects with Primal childhood sexual awareness that then the Friday and impulse and all the stuff right it’s it’s all about this idea that we were born innocent and but we have some kind of where they serve ourselves and who we are is simultaneous with this blank
possibility of punishment the shame the idea of like that we missed our jobs like we have these gods that are like parents that they like the way they do they they do the exact same thing they come into a bedroom and they catch us being people and they say and then we immediately not before that person’s eye balls touch us but after a quick before that we’re innocent we’re playing doctor we we we we just having fun we’re following our Bliss and then it’s the moment when these adult eyeballs like see us even before the adult reacts week we go oh I’m a horrible creature or what am I doing like like like like this must look terrible to you I can’t explain this this isn’t what it looks like I think they’re really fascinating because humans are inherently infantile as primates we retain infantile characteristics into adulthood which is why we saw
Vibe and so we’re essentially like puppies or kittens or baby chimps like our whole lives and we have these mythologies where that cuz we’re neurotic and we we we have these mythologies where have these parents from the clouds that walk into our bedrooms and go what are you doing and we all we all tell each other at 40 years old to go like well you know where pieces of shit like what are you doing we should well we should pass a law against this in the car I said it’s all behind is like these little kids playing doctor that’s like like we all know our little wieners in her little cracks her filthy little pieces of shit like horrible things that exude toxicity in the touching of mixes bad people in one way or another that basically underneath our clothes were terrible gross slimy little organisms that are horrible for thinking about ourselves and each other we all
budgets and how are you going to do this and protect each other from that but that’s like we’re just little babies I just want to like look at each other’s little no nose
alright I believe this way because you get my Jesus Christ
are they going to land
all right that was my joke so we’re going to go from now on I’m just going to ask each of you individually questions are not going to have each of you answer the question so damn this is your question
here we go where we heard cattle on Horseback and sit around a campfire every night and share secrets
I would really love to just randomly explore different countries different foreign countries on a win maybe I’d start with Morocco
you’re the cattle drive
Rigo has become like it’s like like water dripping out of a bad shower head okay here you go my favorite color is yellow all Sunshine all of the time or be read more specifically an orangish red like persimmon yellow
Minecraft Andrew Andrew and just cracked
yeah it is for 7 next question my least favorite mode of transportation is driving I left my car but other car scare me or be a cruise ship
this is dance Dance best on cruise ship
if I was reincarnated as a building
I would be a a brown brick Pottery Studio with cherry wood floors and stained glass windows
or be an amazing 100 year old Observatory on a Hilltop
will you put amazing in the second one so I would have to think it’d be the one that’s amazing
nope Carolina’s amazing
good job
so here at where at where at Five Points and and and Five Points the I love I left the conversation about the kids psychology I thought there was 30 questions left
I’ll just do one more question about how I choose to die so I got to choose How I died
and this is for both of you
bravely pilot a spaceship filled with evil people into the sun they celebrate that they celebrate that every day that every year they celebrate that day every year with festive cakes in amazing parties and all of my favorite music by Pilot that spaceship into the sun when I’m ancient and ready to go anyway or B I get drunk and Prosecco and after all and fall asleep in a vat of marshmallow fluff when I sleep while I sleep I I sink deeper into the slough and eventually suffocate in my sleep
I I think you I think you want to drive evil people under the sun to be celebrated with cake that’s the way to go no I I want to get drunk and pass out and all right well I was going to say I kind of admire the other person but I’m glad like we can learn something everyday that’s good
I’m having an out-of-body for she’s leaving okay
all right you guys are awesome let’s get married
oh god oh shit
leaping like a gazelle in the stage
then we’re doing it
you know I hate you guys I hate when I cough I cough like this and people bless me like I’m sneezing
it’s the worst fucking thing on the planet I can’t I can’t elaborate how much I hated it doesn’t make sense it’s someone being thoughtful about me but it pisses me off because you’re worried that there because your cough is being misinterpreted as a sneeze that maybe there’s something medically wrong with you he has literally nothing to do with it what will what pisses you off about it I’m not sneezing you fucking idiot but you you strike me as a person who probably already has fundamental problems with the whole sneezing bless you cuz I didn’t I’d think because that’s not logical at all. So I’d rather no one said anything and now when you’re doing in the wrong situation what the fuck man
it’s not okay it’s it’s terrible does bless you what what’s your reaction do you think Mike now I have to respond what thank you for saying something at me that I didn’t ask fuck off it’s like now I have to have to beat play a politician and be like oh yes that’s a yes that’s what you were supposed to do good job yummy I want I want sneezed in my twenties I sneezed and my girlfriend’s sister said bless you and you were like never again and then 5 seconds later you’re welcome
what kind of an endless chain of by kangaroo holster for her to say what else is weird and uncomfortable when you check into a hotel and you go into the bathroom to take a nice you know Hotel dump and and you spy something on the door that is a small stay now I mean I don’t need a clean hotel room trust me it could be as stained as possible but this stain was right at about waist level like if one was standing up in front of the toilet facing the door grab the mail I’m saying it was semen there was semen on the door of my hotel room in Houston you guys are great and awesome in this happen
but no one’s ever going to mistake your stains for Austin stains I may sometimes call you the Rock City but if I’m looking to come stay and I know I’m a
yeah I mean I don’t really have anywhere to go with that because I just let it go cuz you’re you’re you’re in your bathroom you’re saying at waist height if you’re facing the door someone stood up from the toilet and jerked off as a friend and do that to his closet door that’s something that apparently people do it’s not cool but if I make a killing what does shrugging like you’re making all of this up charge people to come on Kill Everybody
this involves come and I’ll show you you help us identify a castle High
so the Howard Stern now cuz you’re like Baba Booey Baba Booey I want to be Fred but I’m about a closet Spencer told me the story was kind of amazing it first you were in a hotel room that and you switched it was a non-smoking room that smelled like cigarettes and I thought that if I stayed they charged me $500 until you ask to go to a different room and then upon and the room you wanted you noticed as a jizz stain on the back of the door
did you sustain like it was like the desiccated crust all that was remaining after all fluids have evaporated out of it just like a cobweb something you recognized as come oh no I mean I had to taste it before I was sure
that’s when I knew all right and I used to be in a band and I was like 15 and all the guys in my band were a little bit older than me and we never hang out at my house so that why don’t we hang out at your house and I was like okay so the came over and I was like cooking a frozen pizza upstairs for them for them to check my America online I was going to take my time and they’re all downstairs like hanging out and then I went downstairs they ate the pizza and they’re like later and they are they all coasted and that means left they left those of you who aren’t Ninja Turtles
or background actors in a honeycomb commercial they left they laugh and a case of scary let me clarify if if you haven’t recently been rollerblading in a Sunny Delight commercial
what happened is they left they left the premises but they did it like he ate the pizza and then they left and then so that my phone ring at my house and I answered it and they were just on speakerphone laughing and they’re like look in your closet I just weird like walking closet and then on the back of the door I was upstairs for maybe 15 minutes there’s three guys they took turns jacking off in my closet and then ejaculating on the back of my door and they said there was visibly different scene on the back of my door dried yet know now it was all right but if bottom wasn’t like it was how is it the first time on the show this is what it is the story is if you’re done with that story with a
cops that way come on hold on okay this is I mean cuz the cops 3 guys at your house came on your they were my best friends and neighbors liked robbing me in the worst way I literally just walked out of the room the coast and you left they all must have exchanged a look like are you thinking what I’m thinking that’s what it was one of them it was like guys God guys what Have We Become I feel like they must have come to his house with the plan plan something it was pre-planned I thought you meant
what’s a walk-in closet I mean come on that’s what it is
book at the island of the kitchen got the the through with the funk shui but it was it was it was like non-sexual as its aggressive and it was meant to vandalism they had to come thinking about something and I can tell you must have been coming thinking about was each other great friends they weren’t yeah it’s a little bit your dick and it starts I mean you don’t have to think about sexual things your 15th
and knowing is half the battle
if you’re listening but I would always still I had to think about like Shira or you know Penny from Inspector Gadget whose I was her age so it was okay something I was thinking about it while I was just one of your friends are like let’s do it let’s let’s let’s let’s cream pie is why is it bro this must have been like the seventh person they’ve done this to a specific
that’s it.
We also know that it’s our entire travel is is made up of razzing me I love making fun of us more like they were just had so much joy I would never come on anything with anyone anymore ever owned I would never do that as a way of asserting my ego I would never go hey I came on something I would I would do is you know came on everything in my home cuz it was alive he he we would hang out at his house all the time and then he had a couch and then he had cable TV so we could like order movies and stuff so there’s an area of his couch that was like 3 feet in diameter that was just like brown and black and then we are like what’s wrong with your carpet is it cuz that’s where I’d jerk-off like you would a lien against his couch with his arm up and then he would come all over his floor for years
and it was just a diameter he never cleaned it up so this is the person we’re talking about I’m from Wisconsin I feel like you grew up in the one character in Grand Theft Auto V the guy that from the Inland Empire like as a teenage boy like I came a lot and I did
I do think that teenage boys like I think you think that you’re the only one coming that much and I do think you license yourself to be like well this is my if we do all kinds of weird stuff because nobody’s telling us there is no class where the gym teacher says guys you’re going to come everywhere all the time use a Kleenex sex ad but it’s not it’s it’s always your gym teacher going hey you’re going to go through some changes my nipples get hard it’s called little boy little man
and it would just be like a diagram of your balls filling up with, you’d like you ain’t no shit Sherlock I know I need to go home and deal with it I don’t with it against the door of my bedroom in a punk rock band so they were supposed to be it was supposed to be like a punk rock thing I guess but but they were gross that’s what I hang out with any of them anymore I hang out with you guys. Kennedy became a huge thing for a while your friends who are they were they were full of, they felt like it was a way to express themselves okay I want to hear the New York City with the cops
the cop in my car and then Uber yeah oh I was in New York City very appropriate music by underneath the story great record for this who I got it it may just be like Flight of the Bumblebee
that is okay or maybe it will be great I will definitely I will be very
okay so I was in New York for harmontown and then I got dropped off and I was kind of left my own device and I was there for like a day and a half and then I was like oh man everybody in New York is really cool and collected and stylish and nice like an LA I just hear people bitching out loud and yelling at people all the time and then I got an Uber and I was going to a bar and then a weight what is this Breaking Bad
and I was going to a bar in my Uber driver I was in an SUV and we are stuck in traffic and then he wanted to take a right turn and there was a New York City Cop just standing in the middle of it I’m over driver he’s like this guy lives right here can I just go fuck you fuck you a copy of the cops aren’t into the windows down in the Chris Kyle is right here and he’s like fuck you show me your license show me your license you live here and he was in the car grabbing at me show me your license show me a fucking license and then it was like it was and I just sat there Frozen of not showing my license and then the Uber driver drove away and he goes he goes I’m so sick of this like the NYPD like whenever they’re doing something crooked they just shut down the street whenever there’s something they don’t want you to see those are shut down street that’s the story I told Spencer I think it’s an amazing story that needed to be podcast okay but but
and I like next 24 hours ice I was hanging out with a harmontown fan in there was a homeless kind of bench and he was like calling her a con and Uncle Warren Sapp New York City where is a cop when you need them
but yeah
Spencer is very active in the the awareness of police brutality less than I portray to be honest I just the crimes need to be publicized if there’s 200 people in the theater one of them might be a cop probably be a really great guy and might like hang out and talk and be a human being and actually be a wonderful person but like cops by default the wonderful things about the general way in which we approach the policing of humanity and is expressed an individual moment through a random person who has been given either too much
you’re too little power and some situation and is expressing his grief with that and a really inappropriate way the system is broken definitely


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