Episode
Episode: Definitely Squatchy, Bro (LIVE from Bridgetown 2015!)
Description
Harmontown goes back to Portland for Bridgetown 2015 and it gets squatchy, bro!
Transcript
oh yeah
please welcome to the stage
I think you owe family
thank you Jeff when you warm up the crowd when we go to Portland
and you talk about how great Portland is as you ask him how long they’ve been in Portland what do you think I’m going to talk to them about doing my ass I don’t have an act I don’t do magic tricks Isle of Portland
I’m glad I’m glad you’re glad you’re warmed up but now I got nothing both of our love then it can it can bear everybody’s it’s a wonderful town what you ask is exhaustion of of of loving a city so much that you get you get mad tender stay by a couple more days cuz we were constantly like I’m sure every person from Los Angeles talked about moving here I’m sure we could we have to be typical and end so we keep we keep staying here longer and longer cuz we just we just want to get mad at something or just like we got to find out what these people are bad at
what what are you bad at parallel parking okay
I’ll believe it what is the worst thing of being in Portland like is there a thing that’s that you’re known for being
merging Apple drivers
somebody else did passive aggression
what do you mean
tell me the worst your yogurt shop that won’t let anyone in unless they turn off the phone you guys love yogurt still right it’s still 1993 and to see if there’s any telling you now I’m kind of a Portland expert in one degree because I’m only ever walking around your town so for if I visit the Portland I feel comfortable saying they’re homeless population is very distinct like and it’s not like they can see in Francisco the homeless population is like I think it’s like they’re like Mad Max homeless people because who doesn’t want to be a homeless guy in San Francisco like it’s like it’s high-stakes so it’s like they’re actually like like people who could own homes here or in La when you become homeless you want to be in San Francisco so that you feel less homeless like so that the homeless people in San Francisco have like garbage can lids for vast
and they have my gimmicks like they do card tricks it’s a fucking racketman it’s I got to take a full-time job I was walking down the road here on East Burnside and by the way we’re not going to be funny at 4 p.m. you guys are going to be very like
it look at the comedy Rohit nothing’s funny when the sun’s out but where in Portland is the sun’s never out so it doesn’t proper homeless guy two guys hanging out like kind of middle-aged white guys that look like like your proper art Department Winos and they have like cool tattoos dogs
oh no I thought you were dead I forgot
that’s why I quite enjoy it like like like I started to like gesture to me and say something and it under normal circumstances that brother can you spare a dime and you have a good you got any spare change men’s coat man oh my God
you know what shut he wanted to join my car has been getting that for three days I was Aaron got me this at at shirt for the Star Wars AT-AT shirt but maybe okay so they’re faking it went with what I just here in the doorway just down the block right here everywhere no multiple homeless people love my aunt at shirt no they didn’t do their Portland homeless people and you guys are secretly
and they are at this is the biosphere Regis we’re just learning this now they’re like they’re like living on the methane of this ocean floor because there’s no sun so they’re like okay compliment their hair their shirt
that’s the difference between a Portland homeless guy that lives to see a homeless tomorrow but I thought I guess I’ll just sit here in the shade like being a puddle for the rest of my life
do that are less solo I’m in if I’m going to strike out of theory this is from the I’m sure you guys are sick of being characterized as like one of your holes in people and like liberal and wonderful and nurturing it’s probably just a small part of you is driving home at night and going like why don’t out-of-towners just understand that I’m fucked up to just because I just because I can hold a city together doesn’t mean I’m a fucking you when you coming out of town but I’m telling you guys are you guys doing you are a Portland I mean you guys are infuriatingly cool and hard to upset you you’re very nice to out-of-towners and there was a guy I don’t know if I can even I don’t have no idea if he was homeless but he was definitely strange and he was a middle-aged guy I was holding a skateboard I mean really wrote this down the last time I was in Portland to feel like I had an encounter they’re due immediately right now cuz they asked for money
for the last couple years ago they asked for money and I think I gave him money and then they said thank you we’re crackheads and then and then and then some weird like like like like you got to be careful out here from from from Rocky Horror kind of hair style and he was holding a skateboard and he was dressed in like like with like heavy metal kind of like a heavy metal concert go we’re kind of close but like also kind of fucked up like he’s he’s been he’s seen a couple nights under a bridge but he’s holding a skateboard I had the Riff Raff hair it was like my age and as we passed each other he will wear it when I was eight feet from him he said do you have a cigarette so I had four feet to say no I don’t sorry and then as he passed me even though neither of us slowed down he said
do you have any Mortal Kombat stuff
and please tell me you said yes this is why I need to believe in God cuz I need to believe that these moments will be explained to me that guy he was he was he was he wanted that he had he was a bag full of Mortal Kombat like stop and you just wanted to tell you stuff I buy all good and then God says I put you at eight spiders in your mouth
it’s like lots of stuff like you can spend 500 years analyzing the 57 years I’m going to be here I got the car from my walk from here getting a ride over here and there was a guy on the road with carrying a skateboard and I think it was a guy cuz he looked like me if he had a skateboard if I was walking down the street with a skateboard and wasn’t wearing a suit my height my kind of like haircut like my build and yet perfect tips
it was a guy that is clearly a guy and he had a beautiful bouncing boobs and insurance I use of cruising down the road with a skateboard that’s a good town
message Jeff Davis with delicious Double D is walking down the road
that guy’s probably listening I think I said nose so Colin speaking of like reaching out to specific cuz I I caught myself doing something so odd today I don’t wonder I know that there’s differently-abled harmontown fans I don’t have any here tonight but like specifically wheelchair using folk that’s the term right nailed it
so frightened of everything now
and it expresses Itself by past a a guy in a wheelchair and I caught myself of the first type of 42 years of the conscious of what Behavior cuz I I wonder if any differently abled Armenians like have you ever do you constantly experience something that I would call the wheelchair smile
from from non differently-abled people like cuz I made this weird face like I said I was very polite kind of like
what do they mean by that face like like what did I mean
what does that face mean and I wonder if we can people that are nice folks and make some very upset because like me the human being you fat piece of shit
welcome to Portland I’m the only angry person in Portland God forbid that you had some accident or some debilitating illness that major sooner than it will inevitably happen to think that you were a wheelchair-bound that you were going on the road or if you’re in a crowd what what look would you like to get together like we all remember what we don’t all remember your 22 the A Different Strokes when Arnold I was introduced to kid in a wheelchair every sitcom back then had one episode about a kid in a wheelchair and I think they got money from London or something if they did it
it’s the handicap capital of the world travel out of the second Arnold Jackson that was his name Gary Coleman’s character in Different Strokes he befriends a kid in a wheelchair and they have like a playdate and then he like I think Arnold refuses to call to Adventures I got to be friends with a guy in a wheelchair that’s uncomfortable and then the road of Trials is like they share action figures or something in there like making friends and then Arnold says like halfway up the stairs and turned back around and looked to get the wheelchair it says I’m sorry I forgot you were and then the kid in a wheelchair like like half for the narrative and mostly for the planet that goes
the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me
and the audience applauds instead of laughing which is how you know it’s the 80s when a sitcom could get a pause
for not being funny because it’s like there were three channels and it was secretly socialist like a fascist regime is like dividing two hundred million people three-way isn’t as I’ve already pointed out every year that have a battle of the Network stars that we was like the whole different networks go fuck yourself what are you going to do take your TV watching elsewhere so anyways we don’t know what to do to human and we’re trying to learn cuz I don’t think I don’t think that’s a person in a wheelchair that fantasy is for someone to go halfway up stairs and then say I forgot you were
that’s not their fantasy
what does it that doesn’t make their their their day Avalon is this guy in this powder blue sport jacket which you were wearing when I met you
this is the sitting for it
I just thought it was I’m not going to redeliver this right but when I met I met him a very friendly guy huge fan and very nice and I asked his name and he said Avalon and so I have that so to demonstrate the time because it requires overlap
I’ll be Avalon you ask me my name I’ll tell you Avalon and then while you’re in the alarm so I’ll I’ll tell you my name is Avalon and then you said you hear the name and and and react to it and I’ll try by repeating the name puzzle through it but he did
that’s what he said while I was going a very Charming
sometimes having a pet response to something is like very not Charming I like why don’t you live in the moment but your neighbors have allowed to have a fucking like calling card that comes this very Charming alright Avalon that’s it flush
that’s it
are you sure that’s it
Avalanche is it is is there a story to your name or is it just your parents I was groovy
like like mine was a cool name that music I Still listen to is classic all right I want to bring up a friend that I met last night an hour and a half or two hours does anyone know why I know you guys
cuz God knows I’m great in that last half-hour cuz that’s what it gets a really good point
the ghost of count Bossa Nova
he died during a long long set by a bad, later on okay so when you guys are walking in Portland cuz there’s a lot of joggers just did everyone is this an abused child thing or when you’re walking
when you’re walking on the sidewalk you know you’re a redneck sketch
if you’re only nice to people for the first three months you know him the more you punished him around like a rag doll hilarious
when you’re walking down the sidewalk and you hear a jogger behind you do you is your first interpretation of their feet on the pavement and the rhythm of it do you first before your Consciousness has time to reinterpreted do you think that they have a baseball bat and they’re about to kill you
or is that like some mild PTSD that I have time it’s 9 a.m. but I’m like my father’s place is open
and it was cuz it’s Mother’s Day
I was the most Charming thing I’ve ever seen it only has mother is the only mothers in LA are sitting in the dark living room watching their old movies and smoking themselves to death in their children moved away with moms on Mother’s Day could have walked into my father’s place if it’s like a it’s a dive bar but it has a restaurant attached it used to be a truck stop in at every Booth was filled with clearly like I was like there’s a mom there’s a lake there a little dressed up and I went to they went to a dive bar and had a good breakfast I hate Portland
I can rubbing it in our faces it’s like a homeschool
you don’t understand how the world works
learn social cues
the wrong with you you’re technically nice but God damn it at what price
get more dogs
sarcasm I want to come here for my dog from La they’re from LA and technique and every time I talk to a stupid person is that so I don’t get mad I think of them as an a really smart animal
quickly cuz they say something like why would you say that why would you ask me about that because you’re a super smart dog
an amazing dolphin all right that’s it that’s all I got for a little like dumb quasi stand-up segment
was going to ask Tori for a I didn’t see I turned I turned one way and are you okay every buddy she shouldn’t
everybody waited a g
okay alright I think I think
Streisand
Chase Nerd Poker how you doing a g or a week water marijuana everything but why did you join
but you almost couldn’t run to the drug
I think we talked about this when we brought it up recently and I haven’t found any of the super cool member that is super cool super cool that sounds super cool rock and roll thing you in that kind of a shity part of Arlington and Pico and just like Jagger John Bikini Kill and like all the kind of power like carp and stuff like that and really great band and you can go there and you can buy joint from a guy in the corner but the joint usually had PCP and then you’d want one of your friends have a fucking nervous breakdown in front of the only time you hear about them is when someone’s explaining why something fucked-up happened in like movies and stuff so you always wonder let you go like why would anyone ever do a speedball it’s I only ever hear about it when someone dies but there must be like a version of a speedball where you like a really fun
it’s the first time work second time that I’m going to Bogota Colombia to shoot something and someone was telling me with the purest cocaine Jeff but someone is telling me they saw a vice documentary on like this new drug and its specific it’s a powder and they just blow it in your face and all of a sudden you’re fully under their control in there like come on let’s go to the ATM and you’re like okay let’s go to the rainbow yes yes that’s what happened to Bill Pullman except they put him in a confidence of an ATM and you take out all your money give it to him and you’re just totally agreeable and then you wake up in the next day or like the weather here with a friend can you blow out your friend’s face and make sure you have a great night or I think so
he thought
it’s the flowers flowers growing trees are you sure this is that weird because I did a lot of cocaine in my twenties and very often you do have stuff given to you and end up walking to an ATM and feeling very good about some very dirty
anyways is it 90 minutes to hours that I already told me you have two hours they’re going to call it warm lines pretty soon cuz I’m going to okay I’m done I’m done job where they like it they’re like then we’re going to go see someone funny then we’re all we’re all going to go to Union Jacks and do PCP a virus I heard somebody everybody out to a parking lot and it was Darth Vader and a unicycle I would say 10 years ago I went to I think I myself and I do not live in Portland is one of Portland’s shittier strip clubs in in in a great way and I think I could go there was a drug dealer because I ended up with all of them back at my hotel
there was a fucking pharmacopoeia of Got Drugs they’re at every one of them opened up the wild exotic Union Jacks up for this phone
we’ve established all right so it won’t so I want to I want to bring a friend that we that we made last night I was I was talking to her friend Jonah Ray and he had this friend there and I was talking to him like we ended the conversation I was like okay stop it like you should you should come on harmontown to talk about the stuff and and I and I promise it’s a safe place because I got a horrible interview or so I don’t want to like stay at the top like why I thought he’d make an adjusting guess the money comes out and goes like what what you said I mean he’s he’s being he’s being really cool coming here in like like like make him feel safe and and an open your mind to his store in your heart to his to his Humanity in Portland right now
Tom Hanks
amazing introduction of just play a random cameo
guys just open your hearts and your minds Craig Craig flipping come down here
description anywhere you like
sorry I’m a little a little nervous when you go to town so I’m like less I’m less entertaining and I have more guests and so Craig met you last night at the at the hotel and look like like like there’s layers here there’s where’s
first Poplar superficial layer you’re a Bigfoot hunter
is there a Bigfoot in Susie is too big but yeah there’s guys who want to kill Bigfoot and those guys who wanted to protect Bigfoot basically
they want to shoot first and ask questions later on Bigfoot there’s so many questions I know there are a million questions but by the kill bigfoot people into two people there are people who are there people who want to kill bigfoot to protect the species and people who want to kill bigfoot because they hate them because they have like a polar bear already on my gosh the Rhino okay. We haven’t got one for her is that you’re at a kind of a crossroad can I ask how old you are is that rude or you got to remember
38 you think you’re 30 at all right age or a little younger but not by a significant factor why am I talking with that who cares how our ages are different
about the clintons are a little more cynical
you can hum more bars a Video Killed the Radio Star but you kind of stopped you and go I think this is so the second layer is is you are kind of at this Duality place where you’re comfortable with the idea that Bigfoot does not exist right and you are like you think it exists and I can’t give you that answer which is hard to be a Bigfoot hunting agnostic yeah that’s a tough gig because you’re probably a sailed on all sides by
are you all right I was just off-the-cuff butt butt into the Bigfoot mythology third layer that’s when I stopped you it said you need to come meet my friends because the first layer is he’s a Bigfoot hunter II Larry’s is an agnostic Bigfoot hunter the third layer is the reason he can do that is because his fucking dad and I started to weep and black like like because this is what this is what religion should be this is like poke mythology self-created to
it’s totally possible I’ll be needed if you look really like look into it get down in the lower layers of it like a bigger than we think when I was out by myself and I’m looking at my crazy like a cryptozoologist would tell you is I think there is seven numbers like there’s seventy thousand species that we haven’t to that we both want to discover 3,000 new ones a day and blah blah blah and I was discovered in like 32 or something coverage Columbia
so let’s start at what I think is the core of the onion and onions good metaphor I cuz I you’re going to make me cry let’s start with your dad your dad was you said your Dad was supposed to take you but you sound you sound hesitant like when do with the wrong end of the belt your dad promised to take you out or you get tiny step by step but I will protect you the entire way
I think I’m having a good at the lady was like one of the best drug dealers in Connecticut when I grow up jugular told me he’s like he’s like dude me and your dad like I never trusted anyone like him like we go to bed in the same motel room with thousands of dollars and wake up together started getting weird isn’t it starting at we are probably just pick you up at all nothing to damage their my wife lost her mom when she was a teenager and I often teased her about it
she’s the she’s like can I have the remote and I’m like no your mom died
piece of shit
give me that where we’re watching Naked and Afraid give me the
she’s like I own that should I make people uncomfortable with that you want
so so but he is said to use this sounds a little bit like I hope my dad isn’t listening but I know if my dad is willing to go with my dad to know that I love him and I don’t judge you and I don’t mean to vilify on but like being a kid and raised by somebody who is who has another relationship with other stuff where there is workaholism or or booze or anything like like it’s you at you miss all of a sudden it’s like for a good reason so like my dad would like he would he would get drunk and like he’s getting really excited about really specific stuff like we’re going to bargaining tomorrow you know I’d like to start fixing up the toboggan and then like a guy like just a quick nap and then we’re going to go to Tuesday and it was like what
we were building a robot together that has one arm still so your dad I was I was trying to make you feel safer to talk about it more memories your dad lost his life in a tragic way was obviously true fighting that demon he gets he had tried to have a relationship with you and part of that was he told you to fly you out to Bluff Creek Northern California with a Patterson know how old at 10 which is like the height that’s right you’re Elliot in E.T your your mind Jack sponge and it’s soaking in like like you just your booty
pretty much every day is an adventure and he’s he’s just a guy and he saying do everything to make heat so my mom was separated but she had like these fucking scumbag guys like I’ll tell her not to listen it’s not worried about your mom we could we can lift awake if you say anything to speak freely from the heart if you decide that later cuz we have to edit it a little bit cuz I was so so we’re not live Amateur hour over here so I guess
now I’m going to cry I’m crying
I heard something so so big football oh no it started like off wrong right away right so we hop in the truck and he takes me out to the woods somewhere in this isn’t going to be as bad as it’s not God
that was the sound of a 250 person bow and arrow pulled pallet
and you said the head of the heroes we were all ready for anything
holy shit you want to meet
it takes for this field and he’s like
all right
so he’s like there’s tons of Bigfoot hear you just got to go look because it got to go look for the tracks like like so I like running through the field looking and I like even then I was like this no fucking tracks here like like what was The Hazing you or was he just being lazy was he trying to do good but he was just going to shake and in the truck like actually being cruelly you an alcoholic like really bad it was nice when you do know I think I I think part of my history is like I think
well so who knows maybe I don’t know I guess maybe I don’t know you have to know all about this guy I don’t know what he’s like Bigfoot doesn’t exist have liked teaching you to swing by after I go to the boat is like there’s Bigfoot out there go find them 2 hours later told you doesn’t show me a foot so at quit after that like soon after that I was just I just got a little bit of regardless of his intention your experience was you felt a little humiliated and Chase in Dinuba Drew back I was stupid to think that that’s real
27 describe like when he started exploring the collective unconscious he’s like yeah I do not understand this ship better than what he focused on was his childhood and he wouldn’t played in a sandbox literally like he was just like I’m going to already had like a little more used to like what make little models when he was a kid he did everything he could remember doing it as a kid Revisited that stuff and he said his his dreams started to become more Vivid and act as if he was able to analyze them better because he was touching back it makes perfect sense because the human mind has to protocol it’s supposed to be adaptable I it supposed to be able to make a world out of anything around it but also it has to be like the Spartans issues nasty Catalyst machine that protects everything that hurts it then it turned into a defense system
so you’re experiencing this Duality which is amazing because you realize you’ve achieved every person’s dream really which is like you have a relationship with a thing that doesn’t need to exist or not exist and it’s about like like you know the only the first guy you ever met who created you and who made mistakes and I need so so now I mean like I met your wife up there and I couldn’t get a read on her like I don’t know if she likes you know you’re very lovely wife wife Brianna I have no idea I was over and you would seal the deal and then one day I got to go for 3 months
and she’s like now there is now are you sure that this is a reaction to yesterday’s breakfast what is going on
but in a car sound like
so passive aggressive
little camping music
I don’t know I don’t know how this going to work
That’s Entertainment
maybe not. It’s going to fall in the audience Spencer you know Alonzo Avalon seems like
he said yeah he can survive
is Walking Tall Spencer it’s always a delight to bring you to Portland where you like suddenly fit in and and Dustin they share that like never done
I’m always so excited to see them walk into a bar in Portland with no one looks up because it’s like bringing a baby tiger cub to a 2-2 it like one of those preserves jumped out the car window and you’re like I can’t go
what do you mean by that though this is like the second third time I’ve heard it baby tiger all this I don’t know what what what are you guys like that I’m also like at the silhouette of a beer when I wish I did I mean I’m the silhouette of like all sorts of like an Arkansas man or like any guy that wields some sort of cutting Implement like I have there’s no I meant a lot of the Silhouettes that makes you fit in here
because if I
if I took you to Arkansas someone might go I bet he can saw a real good with a Blue Ox
well that’s just because you have a beard and your large and looks like a light fan that’s not how I do portlanders very passive-aggressive
and practical and I don’t think portlanders are practical no offense Portland’s a picture of impractical
I think I think they’re ready to hear it till I give it to him given alright parlance give me something to make fun of what is that a practicality spin something into it
Donuts do do a sponsor
hahaha other Turk underbelly of Portland controlled by big donut
cool I mean because you’re good to go. Is that what it is
I know you look like a lumberjack that’s it I don’t picture Portland is a lumberjack City Maybe I’m Wrong I mean are you guys going for kids
if you can hunt Bigfoot here anywhere you can hunt big but you can shrink the Ford act Lumber there’s for his to be turned into a paper and stuff for the wrong foot with you I think I’m agitated you have a Droid you in video game terms but but I was wondering we have to walk a tightrope if we do this but I really believe we can do this like it like it just came up on the top of my head to Craig’s up here he’s a really fucking cool smart Sports super sensitive is Mike beard his soul to a totally supportive group of people weared in this town hall or this amazing City that sits Atop The bosom of the ocean and doesn’t reward people for sweating is an ambition and dishonesty and says like whoever you are is who you are and the even the homeless people are comfortable and backpacks and they are not homeless they have dogs and wives
when you get that many tattoos if you’re homeless like tattoos or like a hot tub after you get home but that’s me being from California thinking that way that’s ridiculous and liked Tim Allen so anyways
it’s a good place to do it it’s a good experiment Year young Craig is awesome like Bigfoot mythology fathers like like
could we can experiment with doing just a quick like like like a campaign like a role-playing campaign could you find like the like the nature guide and you do I create a campaign Where are car breaks down and we go into the woods and something happens that that can help Craig achieve just weightlessness
and a tone with the cosmos
especially when you give it a whirl it’s a Bigfoot world the four of us Dan Craig Steve and I are in a car car breaks down and watch you just describing it we’re going to create a simulation where Craig gets to catch Bigfoot spoilers what what system should we use Warhammer
just get out of here on audio that was kind of my eyeballs on the back of my head I spent about a smoked all that weeds
what’s the worst that could happen.
I mean.
Last time on harmontown
it’s been 2 hours since the car broke down in human life on the road clothes come from South you think that you might be able to make it back to town but the quickest way is through the woods you’re not sure how to proceed what are you should leave the safety of your daughter
who’s driving it’s a broken down car
I can’t get any reception out here dude I think we have to walk
he’s at he’s he’s kicking ass right now is what he’s doing
there’s like anyone else not on AT&T I got no bars out here I use my in my power to at 2 to talk to animals and I and I and iconic
I call out Chipmunks
your cry Echoes out in the woods you hear the scattering of birds but no Chipmunks
no it’s not I mean I don’t want to be critical but yeah I would if I was you would go something like this
play some of that Bogota powder and my mouth. It’s important I know you’re going to say thank you to stay put when you get lice
you’re probably going to say it listed wander towards that glowing part in the woods neighborhood
Trust Me lousy With Sasquatch
you actually believe in Sasquatch
oh wait a minute alright this guy we’re traveling with Craig know this about me up until now shopping with you cuz you also are into woodwork I love polishing steel to a mirror finish the best wood that’s what you want to call a reflection of my tools and so what do you think is this big foot country
watching
initiated a standing under that I approve of squats look guys I’m a pragmatist we’ll freeze to death tonight there’s glowing in that direction in our wildest dreams we’d stumble upon a Bigfoot they travel guys they travel like lights to the forest sometimes to look for the forest
you’re not
follow up
why would we be excited to find Bigfoot if you were an elf or a guy have fun okay so he doesn’t have low-light vision
we’re human beings it’s 2015 or broken down to the car it’s freezing we’re going to die if we stay here
I’m getting out of the car and I’m going to at least walk towards the glow until I get bars on my phone
Craig I’d appreciate if you came with because you seem rugged yeah bro
I got a a map pocket on this jacket so yeah a map Tapia I put my cell phone in it
but no man has a cell phone if we do run into one I’ll deal with it till 1 we will save them are you one of those guys okay with killing it that we can do it but you’ll feel it. We’re going to eat at 2
right behind you but you see nothing chipmunks chipmunks right now I call that earlier nothing happens it’s your phone chirps one of you might have reception I look at my phone still no bars not me not me push notification from Instagram sounds like reception reception
all right cool let’s let me text message from your grandpa
it is what does it say
it says I use my low-light Vision to read this text message
so close so close to intimacy it says hey kiddo remember that knife you have I took it from you if you don’t have it anymore I’ll see you again
typical grandpa needs fucked up alright well I break up a branch off of a tree and sharpen it with a stone just in case
I pull up my Emerald dagger
as you near the glow you can hear you can hear it why would you
as you near the glow you can hear you can hear the crunching of something crunchy as well as low rumbling growls that sounds like some sort of animal
it’s coming from where we’re walking to coming from the source of the glow or that direction at an Irate first you got to assess the sick you got to say is this a Quadra ped or a biped coming towards me I think I heard two footsteps but it could have been for I’m pretty drunk
what are we supposed to be supposed to like this the idea with Bigfoot’s likely see if a bear attacks you supposed to play dead oh boy
where was that guy
how close are we to the glowing how close you can’t see the source of it’s just it seems if I climb a tree will I be able to get a good look at it perhaps holyshit
in the complete darkness
and this is awesome
is that your phone number was a mountain goat
bring up there I see something yeah you see the glow the source of the glow rather it seems like it used to be a campfire some sort of fiery Camp it’s been scattered scattered in Destroy All you can see is the glowing Embers as well as Shadows lurking around the source of the fire
let’s keep going towards the fire guy you guys go to the fire there’s there’s a camp over there an exam and I look for a FourTrax wear around the campfire okay you got to get to the camp fire for you run headlong to where the source of the glowing is you see you see Footprints all around big prints
I am I reach into my knapsack and I poured alginate cast into it to make it stretch. Track of it before I do you know I bring an emerald dagger and then alginate wherever I fucking go
okay well I assumed it after awhile cuz we didn’t charge headlong we get there too yeah we show up so we find him pouring a cast
what are you doing what are you doing what the fuck are these appears to be Sasquatch Sasquatch that plaster in without splatter splatter technique first
I can’t believe you didn’t know this but
when you find the print for she’s all over the place just stored the evidence is the weight of the smaller footprint a time so that’s why they don’t call him big feet only ever leaves when he’s doing that burning campfire cuz that’s a bigger deal than any footprint yeah you see it’s not but there’s definitely and burning and legs and wooden pieces that were arranged together they’ve been sent scattered as if someone tried to drop kicker quickly put out the fire in haste to make a hasty retreat
entities that we were coming this is squatchy there is a Bigfoot track here we caught big fit for an amateur amateur amateur
what would you do this is where we’re going to live for a while
I thought we were hiking to civilization sleeping bags
let me make leather bag pops into existence
can we advance time and we’ve lived there awhile sure okay
how how long do you want to have a bat beer until we have our own alphabet
carved a rocking chair out of a sequoia
all right those things happen Steve and I are married. We have an agreement that we would get back we won’t talk about it but we were married and I proved Bigfoot exist to four people
all right so there were there all right is this is the key morning we wake up your ear your waked up there’s a campfire burning you’ve been maintaining it for however long you been there
all right you hear you hear footsteps approaching from the north here it is it’s coming guys. Every fucking firewood man we they’re cut it all this shit like a parking lot now I have a couple more trees and we have to start a rock concert I just out of idle curiosity go towards the sound of the footsteps you go towards the sound of footsteps and you see an old barefooted man holding a rifle
show me games where it’s only a game
does he look like he’s a human being is a humanist of beings
I look at his feet so I know it’s not one of those old gags
hold the rifle Ted Nugent old man take a look at Neil Young
wait we’re just here looking for what we were trying to find a gas station but we are now looking for bigfoot what’s your name old man
y’all look like some big feets no no no prove it I drop my pants and I don’t know where wearing clothes I throw my Emerald dagger in his heart
all right well I mean okay you know what I stopped and I go met up for a second
I guess my goal was to like meet Bigfoot and and have Craig like start crying as he touched big butt face
but you know what what business is that of mine why am I trying to turn in his passion and his religion into my Sideshow bulshit or are you playing God has shared his I think the most amazing things are you going to continue to go out there and this this is the 10-year anniversary of when I took a moped trip 3000 miles to the Pacific Northwest is a moped a moped
right now is a 10-year anniversary of the last time I heard someone say moped lost do you want the maps maps blew off my little basket I made and just don’t know where that yeah I know you love her very much I’m sure I’m thinking I’m going to go on another trip but slightly shorter since we have a kids like and go like this is where anything can happen this is where this is the cosmos yeah I’m not going to tell him like it does or doesn’t exist
doesn’t exist or that he does the human mind is capable of anything father and let it be exactly what it should have been in the first place that’s beautiful if I don’t get invasive but but but but when you put it on insulation on his cup
I think by with your guy said he was going like I can’t I can’t they can’t buy me a drink they can’t wear your face you don’t understand alright well let’s have a hand for Craig give him a warm hug got there
that’s Portland and that’s that’s Humanity that’s it
I just broke my teeth on the microphone that’s that’s I don’t know I might as well I don’t know somehow that somehow the Northwest mentality that you bring with you and like gives giant brain that can create anything it takes all the weird ship that goes into it a bunch of pain and a bunch of pleasure that spits out I’d like like anything and all those things could be passed on to people and they can hurt those people or they can heal them like we don’t give yourself enough credit as a species cuz what are giraffes doing right now they are not having a podcast with long necks I’m not saying they should be extinct but they haven’t earned shit there fucking horses that way like I want to eat that apple
they’re garbage animals
they’ve had a longer time on this planet and they did not create Wi-Fi just saying like if it were up to them there right now they’d be like get to the moon
that would be there till Lucia and I’m like maybe we can eat the moon like how the Earth is a fucking burnt Chris but because they don’t like assholes were horrible horrible horrible animal were a hyper-intelligent chimpanzees it decided that we would take all this power and fuck things up but we’re also maybe going to get some of those giraffes into outer space and they will thank us later when we give them the power to speak like the first draft
what are you up to say Jeffrey you’re welcome motherfuker you’re welcome
you coming down awfully hard and giraffes right now. I hate your ass I think they represent everything that humans don’t because it’s all adaptation and no risk
I think having an enormous neck has a huge risk no it’s not it’s not at all I see is Maurice Gibbs of evolution when is becoming hyper compatible with your environment so the extreme example of that is the hummingbird because it has like this beat that’s really design for a certain flower if that flower goes extinct the hummingbird is Fox on the other end of that Spectrum we have the things that we admire which is adaptability like we have a weird robotic claw that like it’s designed to grab random shit so you can drop us on the North Pole you can drop us anywhere and no matter where you drop us will live long enough to fuck it up where it but but for a long time following that strategy made us the food of wolves and cats like to go killing machines and they were like where do you think you’re going with this garbage you’re walking up right you look like idiots I’m going to eat you at end of your babies are putting your babies are made of pudding
and walking one and two of them died and they cry when they need to be picked up like that which is a dinner bell you are doing everything wrong and that but it’s like it’s a Gamble and now every primate is dying off not just because of us but it’s like we’re we did it we fucking took
we were not so we were not supposed to I like the idea of bees were supposed to
I’m not mad at because I forgot I’m in Portland.
I like the idea of taking a child out and going to do something as arbitrary and mythological I’m probably not going to eat that Mike bro you going to eat that Mike
look at me I don’t know I don’t know I’m sorry I wasn’t attacking you I was just worried that they could hear your subconscious unseen and you sit there no point of going fishing is it there and waste time and did you think I think it’s very cool I like that a lot it’s not every day there are so many species of wheat let’s let’s bring the my my my my eternal use the other half of my existence there
my beautiful wife the son of my solar system Erin mcgathy
Erin mcgathy where are you at the gables Couture person
it’s worth $1,000 it’s worth of discriminating Flemish
cuz you’re hot
not a pun on fire there’s like cuz you’re sexy sexy women are the victims of course they take over I left I left Squad finder
I would have sent my mother flowers but there’s this groundskeeper at the cemetery that’s deals I’m so
I told you goodnight everybody most of it in The Dugout select the can in your leg know if I can take my dead mom jokes that’s a relief because I thought your mom would ever have taken you to do something as interesting as specific as sasquatch hunting my mom used to make rice dolls
which were her own invention I think which were like bags that she would buy fabric and fill it with rice and then put a wooded head on top and they would be female heroines from literature and they’re pretty sad
creative person like her head floating weather is Anna Green Gables Elizabeth from Pride and Prejudice it’s too you should start making those again and sell them as like iPhone waterlogged iPhone Savers where you’re at if you put them in the woman’s mouth and rice
or 24 hours I mean I don’t know do you think about your your mom and imagine what she would say if she was watching you and like like like what do you have thoughts about that stuff of my mom were here right now I heard glare
I mean there’s no I wish I could ya boys like us hanging out at me saying I thought you were dead don’t care that I thought you were dead for so long and then go to bed because you might be like that guy in that short-lived conceptual cop show Awake what’s it called like like you might be living two lives they’re both equally real like maybe your mom is alive and then we’re going to sleep in this is the dream
The Cracked Egg in the forest
what did you think of Jeff behavior that game
I enjoyed the banter but I got some Supernatural power to search for bigfoot it just kind of undercut I thought they do I realized I mean I don’t I don’t want giving you a note and then you heard something and then you’re like they all ran away I was trying to summon magical creatures to find the okay I’m going to work foot what am I done I’m the bad guy in my mind when I was doing was I was like
what are you God
I didn’t I didn’t perceive what I was doing in that moment is being counterproductive if you want to know the truth here’s a high road for you I was worried about you I was thinking about you up there and you’re like what the fuck is this Bigfoot thing taking forever
she doesn’t know about that it doesn’t from her perspective it’s like we were in space traveling at the speed of light I just if you have an emerald dagger and low-light vision and you need a Bigfoot wouldn’t you just realized who cares I think if you have so many rules for I do whatever I last minute that you’re welcome for some huge mistake I always do everything that I plan every time I get an idea and I’m like we should do that that’s when the trouble starts everything that I’m like so fuck it I don’t know if that’s what makes people happy how did you see that ending in your head when we started and I’m the one that needs help I’m fucked up please appreciate my Candor toward it don’t judge me
I truly thought in my head there was some moment where we came to a clearing at Bigfoot was there and Spencer in all of his I’m going to say aspirin or overused phrase like Spencer’s Detachment which I share with him like his compartmentalization like it would all add up to like this crazy thing that would like the celebration of how we’re all fucked up in like 30 and detached but like it would all combined in this network to create like this nerdy role-playing thing where this guy was really smart and sensitive was like actually like fucking like touched Bigfoot and then we would all burst into three thousand tears meet that guy planning to meet him I met him organic like why why then did the instinct to scare Bigfoot off of what I want I was I thought it was taking too long so I thought maybe I thought it would make Bigfoot come out
if I said if I said get out of here get out of here I thought Spencer would go lumbering down the trees is there a Spencers kind of a contrarian so I thought if I said get out of here I thought I could trick Spencer into punishing me by having a big but not get out of that has the big foot you know I think the role-playing session went over really well I don’t think you should get down I don’t think you should fish for that I don’t think I’m falling for it cuz they’re from Portland to live in a world where somebody says of a donut shop in his like I don’t know how many
because you can’t OK Google is working with her
hey nimnim do you have a reading on the foxtrot 7, right
it’s just kind of being a bounty hunter like I’m not officially allowed to have more respect but I should have it
can I put myself out there a lot I’ve been through some shit and I’m like Dog the Bounty Hunter I would like to actually do more of that I feel like for the first 15 minutes 10-15 minutes I would like to play more of that meeting Bigfoot role-playing game Weaver
yes Aaron thank you
the marriage of Steve age and continued Saturday.
Oh and what is a weekend
we lay in bed just
Scarpetta
I feel like it would work I feel like it would work really well because I feel like like like a G & Airwaves motherfukers
I feel like I really mean to you and unfairly because you’re too symbolic like you because you’re because you’re my wife so now that there’s all these tickets you didn’t buy so like I’m like me and you for artificial dishonest reasons like where it where I was like so if I was in a if I was in a weird relationship not
if I was going to if I was in an awesome relationship but it would make you force me to stop playing recordings of my dad when I talk to my partner and I think like I when I mean to you I’m but I’m not going to stop me is okay
yeah I could do it
hey I also everywhere First Fidelity monologue like where it’s like the people that we love that we take the closest to us they are treated to these really unfair metrics you watch a stranger walk down the street and you have it you know her rati Pandey hanging from the shower curtain that was at my house I don’t have no don’t get distracted don’t get distracted by that a metaphor for the fact that like we the people that were with everyday like we’re being so unfair to the people that we trust says it has to do with self-loathing because we like the way we look through stranger’s eyes because we hate ourselves so it’s like we’re actually being more dishonest when we first meet somebody and then we enemies slowly regain intimacy which should be a gateway to like unprecedented level of honesty and it’s it’s something that’s a little clamp that comes down like well this person knows me now and I’m kind of ashamed of myself and you start to like play I like
play outs not blaming anything that is like a new we should all work towards but that’s what happens like I’m ashamed of myself when I fight with you because I hear myself saying things that I don’t actually feel I just have a relationship and then to the relationship is making me go like like what I should I should be mean right now I play wear at a frozen yogurt place
this one you’re into
Bigfoot run up your alley
I’m just the world simulator Dan I don’t have thoughts
can I get another sheet the best has anyone given her a metal
Tori and then I liked it scaled down so I won’t notice but just lately smaller cup nice try Michael Bob for my lawyer over here giving you drink some dealing with this
Ocho Cazadores okay you guys are waiting in the car
I have an emerald dagger
all right
I love that that culminated in a high-five keeps him bobbing
I was just like, um, make you come that fast like that consistently so if you feel guilty about cheating on Dan
who is cheating on me with this chick
then I think you’re a you’re a little rude to me in front of the so yogurt lady I don’t like that why are you trying to make me apologize I’m not trying to make you apologize so now I’m like you years. Three episodes behind on community in a taser rent
fuck you you should feel bad about things not just me
get even angrier at this point is usually when we split up and I’m just texting you horrible Kevin Spacey like sucking hey man you want to get high
hey I was just I was just that I was just at Sarah’s and what to do
all right man
I will try that hey man I remember when I kept getting upset because if you’re around your parents like there’s no way you can never become like it you always like crap yourself or like okay now I’m 58 my parents are almost dead I’m definitely done with this I’m not going to start acting like a child and then we started playing catch phrase with my parents and my I was on my mom’s team and she was like I don’t know Tweety bird look like there’s a buzzer went off and I went
where did that come from but it was called my mom this is d word
only because she couldn’t guess what Tweety Bird was or something but it was because it was because of her arrival in front of Aaron like my mom has this weird like capacity for she doesn’t know what she’s doing she can figure out how to call you fat like white without she’s like Houdini of calling you fat is in my boot it was no way she was acting like she has to call me fat somehow I guess you’ve always figured it out within three minutes as likely let me know how much weight I’ve gained and cannot date a man who has issues with his mother but we were we were not married yet we were very much you know we were we were fresh I was going to say okay
and so we wait for you I was getting riled up but then I would get riled up and I was like it would start to spill over into errand and then you that you were like hey I love you and I would go I love you and I was like but it was a joke it was kind of like like started doing the joke saying I love you and that becomes a running joke is any time someone started to get upset everyone would just say I love you so it was a joke but we can put that we all operated as a healthy family for that was like a bitch.
I’ve never I’ve never told you that I had forgotten about it but I was going through my old iPad pictures and I had my iPad with me that night and I have a picture selfie because you know I’m not the only one who takes pictures of themselves in moments that I like remember that moment when you are here in this place and there’s a picture of me like I’ll post it somewhere with his parents in the background and I didn’t I did not know three years you’ll be married or you’ll be telling stories about the same night I did not know you were going to that I thought you were that was like your your your tendrils were just affecting us so that we were psycho like and it wasn’t affecting you I didn’t even know that you were like oh my God
it was very strange and after every round and I’m like what is
just like a
why am I sharing these. So that’s not entirely fair to my dad because there was a point where was like because you two were such assholes together it because you were winning and your competitive I learned how to play poker for my dad and I learned how to cheat from my dad because he would cheat and the only way I learned how to cheat with my catching him cheating my dad wouldn’t play poker with children and she offer each of Hearts under your ass you fucking dick he wasn’t he would take ious from us and I would like mow the lawn but here’s your five dollars like like like my job yeah
but but like you know he was a good sport about it but they’ve is a comfortable and you were winning a catchphrase so the two of you interrupted an Amorous fit there was a round rx2 there was around where my mom couldn’t get Tweety Bird of them like
the next round is like my dad was like
and it was your choice to write I got cuz you are very excited history like you fucking made out with my dad
and it’s because you guys are the same person and like like you’re so competitive
I just wanted to see what it would be like turned me on and obviously I’m going to go I’m going to go let’s cut the show early I’m going to go jerk off to
Aaron making out with my dad during catchphrase and
no I all right so is 40 like we started a little late but I said I imagine there’s another show after this so we can’t go like over the Xanax
route to you
there’s like someone in the back on Hulu
I’m sure there’s some guy coming in that’s like you know going to sweat it if we fuck up but so we should definitely try to wait wait wait I’m sure these people probably want to see us proper Shadowrun text real time
why not
I mean I thought I felt I felt a little sore to drink a Bigfoot campaign when I try to talk to ship might be more intimate in the moment with you guys I should not plan ahead I’m a I’m a megalomaniac I try to control things Spencer to the contrary I was trying to make it the best way I knew how to make by being in the universe
I don’t believe that I think you’re lying I think I feel like you just wanted to have an emerald dagger
I’m a little late Vision I don’t think you thought that was going to attract Bigfoot I thought that that would be the fastest way to use sound but you you you know you know Chipmunks are going to help you with that was just you you were like I need to I need to have a drink into the gate now I’m turning into an asshole
all right. I wasn’t really mad I look at who is Steve I think I am too earlier today and they called me beautiful
yeah
I’m enjoying your puritanical what is what is what is sexy about that I thought you you look very beautiful and I don’t know what it is cuz it’s like not typically like I don’t know like the clean lines temple on Bridle the kind of stability with the word the worst title to a podcast of all time
she believes in witches she might be when she might not tell from Finland to the new character dance playing know if so he wrote he wrote the recap hotel from Villa Rosa recap of people to write Recaps if you ever want to write what Spencer does and Recaps our last Venture last 10 minutes I was asking if we needed anybody to play anybody I mean yep generator
Johnny when I come down
Ono Ono
how this guy
pattern shirts
man that song just got me so fucking pumped because I did it did feel like just for a second just for class, Goshen I like to eat seafood I got I got there, and I’m in the mood I’m going to go to the Northwest and cut down to mood I’m going to find big food
I’m going to Camp with your mama going to go to Parker and right away on a llamas Cham Cham rhyme
yo it’s Portland time I want to have a massage and fly a kite I’m going to walk my dog but what the fuck her right
it’s a pretty flat place with a lot of stuff for your dock space with blood face
yo-yo goldendoodle GoNoodle
I got a big job I’m working breed and I saw a long but John’s real smart but he doesn’t think that I don’t have a heart cuz he’s got a lots of land and walk but I’m in Portland have a donut
nice don’t patronize me I appreciate you paid $100 I understand you need to think that was entertaining
I don’t want to just like the concept for 3 hours for the land and that’s why I decide if I don’t debate yourself you have Stockholm Syndrome
it was a bad rap
you admire a bad person
everything you think is entertaining is bad
have a good week
and he disappears Jonah hi Jonah how’s it going I’m glad I inspired freestyle rap it happens to me all the time for a Spencer what’s his name what’s his name we were talking about the what you call your fans like the people that like bones are dancing causing boneheads and that Jonah Ray jokingly at one point address is fans as rapists
that was a real bad idea every once in awhile a guy still comes up to him in like a fabric store and I don’t know no no no you’re not at the fabric store which I only frequent
I was before I met my wife and then I turned around and now she’s a rapist too and
the only other option is Jenna racist and I don’t know if that’s even any better how much younger races
all right so you know the rules you have a sheet of paper full of arithmetic that you’re too drunk to read and Spencer is a beleaguered genius that suffers through a kind not a joke
I appreciate it I love you I love you I love you too
he says during into bottle and I can’t look at you but I love you
look him in the eye and say look big eye contact with Spencer contact even say it
that I love you yeah
Steve what I love Spencer
what the fuck
don’t disturb Yusuf Steve Iowa
Spencer I Got You High
this is this is what we’d brings
I supposed to be ready to rock a little Shadow Aero battery pack your mom so hard she said she had some Lipson shit
okay last man with a bow and arrow be wild and Arturo not be convinced with his reassurances Nightblade with John Travolta in the back seat and blue the helpless gangsters brings out before throwing this tape in the nearest dumpster
take a picture Teddy revealed he hired a brooding Bowman hacker called a hot guy who was around to help with scrubbing surveillance data and destroying digital evidence in the gang found themselves a new gig acquiring Baldwin’s Browns research from a brain Clinic secured with vibration sensors cameras and guards the runners agreed to jump in hack I whatever that meant but what does prowess help them pull off their first clean Shadowrun what do you be able to keep deflecting Mercy’s moves or would he get his bopping Falls gift find out Harmon time thank you
thanks again to Tio from Finland
yeah so you guys you’re at Hank’s Last Stand it’s a rusty old bar you’re in the middle you got hacked by the magenta clad stranger with a bow and arrow sitting drinking a water when you guys just got your mission from mr. Johnson + limited the brain Clinic
refresh man what we had done to Baldwin Brown did we just hand them over hand them over to a company sold him into a company yep there’s a research on their last legs them that was Teddy you guys like we were just good job you finished but your scores a lot of people and we said like we talked about jumping this guy in but how do we know we can trust this guy there must be some sort of procedure he was recommended by a cool Ted Teddy we can we can do what we did when we when we first met when we were texting each other
series around
yeah let’s let’s let’s let’s let’s all give him a Tennessee reach-around
who’s playing at we about to rape somebody I don’t understand what the fuck is this the Tennessee ever to have someone behind you and so how can you always how can everybody in a group always have someone watching their back the answer is the Tennessee recharge on their stomach I’m not going to hurt you there
you have to stand still and if they stand still for a minute and believe you then then they get that weapon
and I got the Giants the team
and then we rented spirits around around or Tennessee
it started in Tennessee
yes and
I caught myself I caught myself I thought it was when we all got in a kind of like leapfrog type wine where everyone gets to experience someone whispering in their ear I’ve got you back bro and then you go around so that everyone knows that everyone’s got their back
thank you stand in a circle
and say I got a better one behind everyone else’s back God damn it
okay I got you back yet
1 2 3 or 4 for Wii for a lot of people last night when we go 1-2-3 we all we all wish for gently I got your back and then if you want to start drinking somebody have you can but you only got eight seconds with a Seattle finish
I don’t know I thought you knew who standing behind who who’s behind for sure
all right so why do otherwise weird but the cleanest way to do this is for us to all take our pants down before we start this Friday I’m a woman so I also I’m a I’m at work so are you going to be able to reach down and around
must certainly be good
how can the person in front of you let you know that they’re open to this and we’re all dropping our pants every everyone everyone it’s available for this new pigtails off your pants if you don’t want it on the count of three. I haven’t really bad so nothing might come out what is a clear eyes open for the Seattle finished again and then we say I got your back unless you want to talk somebody out 8 Seconds.
it’s clearly what we’re trying to get out and we’re not doing it we’re just playing these games don’t we already know each other.
Maybe maybe he’s a jerk off machine. I will tell you that there is a phrase we use for the guy that doesn’t drop his own pants and then is willing to jerk off the person in front of him Republican I just hate hat comedy
let’s do it okay wait so who did you look in the President should get the razor hand so we close our eyes
is he even went back with you guys at the bar where can I get a private practice our Tennessee restaurants yeah we should practice which is your practice I think so
I’m inside come on Aaron can we can we talk to you outside this way just be open-minded.
Oh hey man
Hawk I am Evan I’m going to explain to him what was going down but we’re going to we’re going to take notes don’t worry about it
I think we’re going to be fine like 3 seconds then raise your hands if you were here when we decided who was going to take her pants off so at the counter 3 if you want to if you want to get dirty
or know if you want to be in this Brotherhood or what would it be if you want to cuz it’s not it doesn’t preclude are you guys hard like I wasn’t working I really like your business I’m a woman so yeah it is imagine a floating mom had could have been a lawyer
and a floating hand coming up above the head
show me there are gangs who beat the crap out of their new people and which is a physically injured this is what we do it’s about choice there’s no wrong answer or so you don’t know let’s get in the circle I got your back bro I don’t know it’s up to you of a nineteen-year-old.
1 2 3 I brought we all agreed right know we we were
yeah
Tucker Carlson
Craigslist Rochester
yeah
can I give a special shout-out to my parents first improv art director Trenton shine
I think she did really good improv tonight
we love you we love you so much thanks for having a safe trip coming here and