Episode: 232 – You’re An Ant To My Cum


Episode: 232 – You’re An Ant To My Cum


Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Davis, Spencer Crittenden, Richie Keen, Dino Stamatopoulos, Scott Adsit, Britta Phillips, Rob Schrab and Steve Levy.


there we go from Hollywood California I melt down, Carmen town is now in session
Crescent Credit Union
LMAO, downtown Hartland
wow thank you I’m just saying we got a lot of guests in things I don’t know I’m not saying it was going to be a great show and I want to make promises like that but sometimes I say sometimes you feel like that’s a good show or no
it doesn’t make Parks and Rec on audience who hates when we have guests, really what are they called the the Tories are the Whigs boosters did they just basically said talking to them at karaoke after the show or are you basing this on to read it or you are ready at lurker I’m not a regular her danan Spencer I mean you know and sometimes if we don’t have gas it’s a bad show because I’m like I don’t have anything to do to talk about and I’m sluggish sometimes we do have gas to get you cuz we do have guess sometimes if we don’t have guess it’s a good show in spite of having no gas you can live by the Gaston die by the guess I mean who knows sometimes people come up and then we get to know them and then sometimes they’re big and sometimes there
sometimes the people in the live venue sorry that was probably vodka nuts pit but I hate them but let’s let’s let’s spend this
I’ll spend this personal time before we bring out our guests wisely I want to ask you a couple questions yeah you became kind of Bruce Willis there
there’s a okay so does anybody know anything about P the the when it when it when it’s coming out of a penis a human male penis that that twist at the right right by the is that because I’m imagining I’m not a physicist but that’s because it’s shooting out at a high velocity it in the fort in the shape of a wall like a vertical wall and then gravity is doing its thing and it’s like a leveling out and it’s also at the same time that good coalescing into a cylinder of a two streams break each other and their combined Force kind of sent them in a spiral around each other until they land
more like one of those all we water found sometimes deal where there’s two separate holes and they kind of strike each other I assume it’s to get more you know distance out of it hello Spencer how are you tonight people’s Pittman’s pee out of their penises south of the equator is Spyros the other way
because of the the the the rotation of the earth yeah when we were in Australia was like that
just for a moment when you guys have the Cummings you know when you when you when you when you ejaculate when you make when you make your your leavings and then if you and then if you eat a hot summer day and you’re already tired and you just kind of like you don’t do any self-care you just sort of Drift Off to Sleep which I was living in in Koreatown don’t hate me but I remember I was hot and I lived in the closet in our house in Koreatown and I masturbated and I just passed out of my bare mattress and I had I had I had masturbated on until like a piece of newspaper
nae nae and I just put it over on the side of my bed and I just I just drifted into a semi Blissful semi chronically depressed sad like when do I have to move back to Milwaukee sleep and I woke up and there was just this carpet of ants just
it just it just made me feel like I was in an Irish poem or something about like like like like like like that that that insects have made their claim after the Raven his wet his beak I’ll be home with you
I was just listen to skull juice with a dino sammitop a chance love, I think the answer we get a lot or like piss ants right they love bathroom stuff they they eat pissed they drink piss girl I like Donald Trump
what a life the life you know what it’s like to be answered there to take to gather at all and take it take take every protein charged flake back to their brood sow and some some respect we were tempted to say oh the answer one they’ve won today it’s their planet right because they’re not going to go anywhere and and then we’re going to come and go but, never go
deep deep deep but I’d rather be super intelligent monkey that just like Rises off and spits and guy died and point yeah it’s better to be human than an I think it’s I think it’s a bold stance but I know right here
animal that has a a philosophy and evolutionary strategy that is proof against the death of this planet and also one that is causing it but but we are the only ones I’ve as I’ve said I don’t see any big plans coming out of drafts these days the whole planet will be like over here we’re not there yet but like I’m just saying we should be proud of ourselves we shouldn’t aspire to be aunt and when I look at at our freeways and our Public School Systems I think we’re aspiring to be aunt and we shouldn’t do that our next guest guests are real quick before we before we ran out of gas we been talking and we keep forgetting about about starting a new D&D campaign
let’s let’s let’s lay the groundwork right now for forgetting this rolling because we have a million guests tonight so they talked about how we proceed with this now so we’re ready to start rocking on this as we go for it
because I because I never really finish my thought and I know people and you do your thing and then you don’t
you don’t do anything else then you forget you go to the bathroom and you go pee and it’s this amazing double like like like a Lego Legolas Elven Arrow weight for it forever had that happen and then you and then you’re like well I’m not going to stop the world for eternity for that for the half of the gender that destroyed our species but but but but it hurts you don’t want to stop you just kind of like what you figure like willing to give me a break what could possibly be going on down there they could keep these two stream separate ads so you put a little more pressure on it and then it’s just like to try and it and it I mean it’s pretty it’s pretty steadfast that that that I’m assuming it’s a little it’s just a little super glue from that that that you made
in servicing that selfish Gene know what you’re talking about when you’re close to coming then you start to pee no am I that bad at now he’s saying that and it’s right on the tip of your weiner the whole I believe it’s probably just glued in the middle right okay know that’s true
no I believe it I didn’t want to I tried I tried to be quaint with my language I didn’t got in want to get all clinical and then then Grody about it and I need that DND what will we have to decide like what kind of character I mean I will I will throw that to you and Spencer like Spencer what do you think your guys are your your emissaries of a church that is like going to the strangeland what was their platform are we doing a Pathfinder Pathfinder are we allowed to sexy I talk to those guys
I use my plus to cloak of charisma
and also a Scroll of Fireball it was great
all right there by the story of the story that I want to tell but yeah but you guys are your adventures but you’re from some sort of church you don’t have to be like Believers of the church you could be like you know employees are contract labor is from the church or something but you’re at you’re a you’re a team from the church
yeah cuz my Book of Mormon it’s it’s yeah that’s what it’s going to be a book of Mormon to
Devout I know I could be like a hit man hired by the church or a or a paladin that represents the church but it was all into I think I would like to be because I cannot I think I think my single I would like to be certain about things I would like to know exactly what I’m supposed to do and I’m not saying from you I just mean like I would like to have played a character that gives me the relaxing refreshing thing of not being conflicted and confused and I’d like to like no like oh I have a religion religion are all make him up right of that church that were talking about yeah okay cool
Druid I like your drawing that you made it when he was a gnome Drew at you are so I might modify it be the gnome Druid version of Chad the fire like her whatever you like I like that I like. All right have a great role has like a tributes and Stan something that might take a week or two or something but also I think maybe we should make Steve leave your character but I can handle that off Mike maybe that’s good dudes but here’s the thing like gender imbalance with with consistency might might be better than like we used to have Aaron we could use you know of but like like a pain after a while I was at these things keep falling apart because we keep rotating right you don’t need we don’t need we don’t need people we want to have dinner over to be like a like a like a radio show
it’s also very common for when people are missing just to have them be missing that’s that’s something that happens and games Kemal would not be here and then your mortgage would be here and then not be here in and Curtis wouldn’t you know like to come and go and Aaron would come and go and then went because it’s hard to keep track of a weekly show when the when the half the cash is never there so right or could play a woman a woman you know but it wouldn’t be true balance in terms of casting but it would be in terms of the mythology NPCs come up and we’ll just alright I’m sorry we have way too much
as it stands right now you and I have characters possibly Steve Levy and that’s moving forward is a veteran of the television directing trenches he’s directed many many episodes of Always Sunny he’s he’s been tons of acting to we can talk to him about that but his most noteworthy take his his his movie Fist Fight is coming out February 17th I think it’s got Charlie Day and ice cube in it and let’s bring him out my new friend Richie Keen
did I get that right February 7th
I’m so bummed I was not here cuz you talked about two very important subjects and you pivoted amazingly from pissing the D&D back to the double stream back to D&D I’m passionate about both these issues I’m an OG D&D I’m Gary gygax first edition D&D and ladies for those you don’t understand the devil stream it’s women who are always wondering what’s happened in there all right why it can’t you hit it for everyone and got it out into the world I appreciate that but I don’t want to I don’t want to hide behind my dick was glued shut every weird lazy Giants that can’t fucking keep it in the bowl if I could be your thing
I wonder if shorter men are more popular with women in terms of toiletries Reggie like a 7-foot guy I think goes out with I Got 5 foot 5 guy like if she’s like I don’t even really think size is important the closer you’re right around there closer to you don’t have to be taller store because it is just it’s time to face today I’m kind of in a chair as her reason are important things but I I’m going to Splash I’m too goddamn far away even if I nail it even if I’m completely hitting the Clown’s mouth of the carnival making the balloon go up
I’m still just if I eat my reward for hitting the water in the middle of the bowline knot in the seat is refractory. I just I want to do the right thing I wanted to write midnight time sitter really nice it at night in the middle. Like if I got to get off if I only have to take a poop and then I’m like oh I had to take a pee that is a very rare breed I thought my truck that’s at Mike’s Rob Thomas
alright well okay
so how did your career start Richie now that you’re our new Hollywood friend because you’re about to blow up cuz this movie is probably very funny week we talked about three High a lot I don’t know it’s so amazing one of the older folks in the audience remember this movie three. It was kind of like this cult hit it didn’t really like didn’t make a huge flash there weren’t 9 C equals I don’t even remember I met the actor that played the bully I told you I had a party at same time as Houston you looked identical but I can’t remember the actors name okay what the hell is my name is Richard
Frank Johnson from Johnson managed clock I also in an era of John Hughes movies where there was a lot of hearts and a lot of big, D3 High came out in that time and it was dark and just edgy and the cinematography was so interesting it had more I remember ever seeing somebody talking about you know I don’t know directors forgive me for a second I think they’re very silly people are using to me cuz they think about things I don’t think about so so when you when you meet a good one or one that understands you you I grab them in a hug them and go like please keep working with me forever Justin Lynn got to go do 9 Fast 2 Furious movies but but but but but but like
he fucked with you more it was like you were in the hands of a Madman a little like there’s a different ways to talk about directing like this I think I think maybe he if you research it or you and you maybe you have but like that he probably did things with his cameras and his cutting that made you feel like you were on not only John Hughes side but that John Hughes was on the character side absolutely it where is Hitchcock for instance and then also whoever direct Hitchcock really did fuk with you a lot it’s what I mean you see a movie like psycho where you’re supposed to be on one person side in 20 minutes and she’s killed just happened and John Hughes angry was very much very clear about whose side he was on it was the first time I was conscious of the kids while he’s like weird like Dolly shots like just kind of it
camera and apparently was based on a high noon I would have never seen but because of the height idea was in the beginning of three High the innocent kind of like sweater clad nebbish character not necessarily a nerd but certainly not a jock itch as sort of a middleman and it is high school biosphere and he somehow accidentally offends this you can’t touch him and he said something like they run into each other at the urinal and he says I forget what he says but he slapped me on the back and you know but he were valve turns around and the day that was after Ferris Bueller right I assumed that was because the guy was kind of looked like he had a Broderick look right and he was sort of a above his head like everyone in the audience was I wish I was Ferris Bueller why is it that when I try to be Ferris Bueller I end up in the crosshairs of the most terrifying man
after school at 3 and the rest of the movie is just a psychological examination of your unraveling as you wait for a 3 to show up being like mesmerized by that movie or movie is nothing like that aside from the concept of there going to be a fight after school but I love three I may just think it’s such a it’s such a movie worth revisiting because nothing is very similar which is this going to be a fight after school this just happens to be two teachers not to students and what happens one of the ways is very different but it’s a similar to sort of what the fuck would you do the difference I think in fist fight is even though Ice Cube goes a step too far or early in the movie as you go through the movie If I did my job and I I hope I did your you might be on his side as he continues talking about why he wants to do
this is Charlie starts to be sketchy and sketchier and his methodology of getting out of it so it’s a little bit more by the time you get to this big fight I think my hope is that your sort of kind of like I don’t know why I wanted to see you when and how this is going to go down where is I think at 3, you wanted to get those brass knuckles and knock buddy Revell. I just quit you know if you can remember my bodyguard there were filming Ferris Bueller when I was a kid in my hometown My Bodyguard those are all the movies in my youth I love you too but also its is it a plate on 12 tonight like I guess I can I get to high school and three high but it sounds like 12 high as I get to a war film right like there’s a movie called
hi honey I am really on the time so I just assumed that it was high noon because I’m sure High Noon is like oh it’s noon you’re going to fucking fight with school gets out at 3 and so you can’t say hi three things you don’t know if I want to step in and help there was there wasn’t there whether he’s at he’s drunk again he but know you’re I I mean it is a teenager actor’s life is like a very hand-to-mouth travel in style
one of these shows you never directed a community but you I wish I had but I like the directors of like like we treat them like substitute math teacher even even even the principle that treats them like substitute I call it the Allison of them some of them and choose different every show is really different in it and that’s what’s there certain shows that you come into and it’s like they want your help but when I do It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia what do you want to do with this what’s your take on what should we play with just tell us where to stand you know and it will do what you want Shameless is like making a movie there just like
go do whatever you want John Wall’s doesn’t have the writers onset you know the Goldbergs you’re there to help I’m going to help I’m sure Adam go over there to help his vision so they’re all fun and different it’s really for me about point of view someone who has a strong point of view that I could that I understand I can help and hopefully be additive and there are certain gigs where you’re there just help and they’re certain gigs were they need your help and it and it and it’s always different and I was a private acting coach and acting teacher for a long time and so I love to mix it up when I hear some was difficult I’m like let me in there when I hear an actor all this extra stuff this actress is really difficult and I can’t wait like that’s fun for me I know I’m going to reach that person and I know I know I’m going to find a way I always do and it’s like that’s that’s really joyful for me yeah what was Chevy’s always into his
what is Chubby love that that that that director of this tractor and I was like do you know they weren’t bad directors but they were just like they saw the writing on the wall and we’re like nailed it Chevy and like like like you know and he was like I love to ask you like so you’re coming in because unless you direct a pilot I don’t know how many people that are listening they’re interested in working in TV versus features know like unless you direct the pilot you’re not really you know you don’t have ownership creatively or in actuality over that show so you are just coming in and you have like this really stringent. Time to shoot your episode to prep your episode of shooter episode you have a little temporary office of never going to be the best one it’s like there’s no potted plants last week as there should still there a type of switchblades
why are you and then you have to always under the gun is like all this political I always keep you got to eliminate of three shots and all the stuff we have to have this a clinical relationship with it and then you have to do your director’s cut right at the end of that week no matter where you’re at with that it you got to go do another show otherwise you won’t pay your rent right so I guess my question is how with is that weird clinical morass how do you find the pride how do you find the how do you find the passion it’s like any portfolio of work or anything you do a pilot and you have ownership of a pile that I did a couple years ago it’s still going it’s time for my wedding okay then you go do an episode of a show that you really love the people on and you’re there to help and you’re cool with whatever the the showrunner does with your at it then you go make a movie and it’s a year and a half years
nice and it’s all yours and there’s pros and cons truly to all of them so for me I started so late that it’s a miracle that I get to do any of it I didn’t I was in was comic I was an actor I was an acting teacher so for me that anyone wanted my help to begin with I’m one of those annoyingly truly grateful people who can’t believe he gets to do it at all and so it’s a bonus when I come be a guest on the show and they’re like what do you think and I find that happens now more and more as a return to the same shows over and over again how do you keep from falling into the sand traps of either a getting so excited about this episode of Sunny in Philadelphia are like this is going to be fucking amazing but I needed more time and I didn’t have more time like how do you keep from throwing a shoe and going like no I need let me do it let me take a the weekend in the edit Bay like I haven’t done with my director’s cut that happens I mean I’m lucky that the show’s I work on or shows I
really dig and I really dig the showrunner so if there’s a situation where I like feel like if I could just get a little more time either I’ll ask for it or I know they’re going to they’re going to elevate it so why am I fighting what’s frustrating is when a line producer understandably is worried about something that I know you need and you’re in the writing and you’re not there and it’s a very tricky political situation and I know I have to get it and then I just have to be difficult and say sorry bro I’m shooting it and but I don’t ever throw a shoe I want some of my best self doesn’t come out because of the things were talking about but for the most part in television
I’m there to help unless it’s a show like the ones I do a lot of which is no coincidence where they feel they want my additive value is that makes Jesus Christ was that boring family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting apparently I can get out well actually, no one misses that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes would like to my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest filmer it’s like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Black Cinema with Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
Runaway Runaway spice things up there and some of your Chicago friends and fellow Chicago the natives do we have dropped me like a fucking sandbag it goes wrong I’m only charging when it goes right
that are nice. Good job. I think that was on Harry Truman’s desk
get done at the move down
all right he’s doing a line for the back
how are you going to be careful with those
I’m in big trouble buddy what happened I wrote this graphic novel like 20 years ago and yeah work with three years on it and hardcover and you guys I was just an intern in 1994. Is it true story true story
I need to reprint a 2000 of these and no one’s going to buy them I got a fucking hot Mission I brought my guitar I’m going to like I’m going to do it like a little monkey tap dance here I brought Scott acid and Britta Phillips
Pete hornberger from 30 Rock and the the singer whose name I stole for the character of a Beretta that’s right yeah I was going to bring I owe Perry to the other half of the very sorry about everything
because they don’t know what you’re talkin about
I mean you’re late you’re late blooming which is exciting thing that you’re 52 we’re doing a gig actually on Saturday at at Star Burns at the at super tight and my drummer Drummer and couldn’t make it cuz it’s his birthday any plans this thing in Vegas for he said whatever you do don’t ever check on the 18th and now we have a choice on 18th and so I was on Facebook and one of those couple of my friends were married and fucked and had a baby and the baby grow up to be 12 years old and now he’s drumming basement so I asked if he could drum and he’s going to come and drum with us to a carpet of ants sometimes one of them turns into a drummer
shoot Torpedoes that either
we’re talking about a carbon advanced cuz I talked about us gold yeah I just said that you guys I just called Dan brought that up but I did today was listen to you and Andy and I did not know that okay you call nuts
on Tumblr
describe the harmontown so you can see visuals of normal and awful
do you think maybe there’s a Siri maybe it’s because DNA and they and they and their tasting the sophistication of ever of a primate would not like they don’t even their brain can’t process it their tongues are like this is beyond grilled octopus I don’t think so I think it’s I think it’s I drink pineapple juice and it taste great
I love pineapples so 17 people from your show drawing-room back I want to I want to help you you guys are both from Chicago there’s we should talk a little for a second I’m from Milwaukee which is much colder shittier General fireworks but you know it’s from Chicago I wonder is what it what would what that is Second City making funny you should ask I have no idea I grew up and I wanted to do nothing else and I think it was just coincidence that Chicago was a comedy Bay City I think it you know I’m just a goofy ugly guy who got picked on a lot so course I wanted to go to your beautiful
you know that’s where I know you from your ear down here and threaten me off and I didn’t even read your schedule
you’re talking about Conant commence earn their first summer in the air I was the General office in turn so this guy Smigel Louie Louie with the trumpet and the gum thrown against the wall and I couldn’t believe it I didn’t play the trumpet at 1 so he was like heading through show night night with Conan O’Brien but they wouldn’t let us sit and be safe so we named the kitten night night and I just wandered around everywhere and everyone loved this kitten and then Max Weinberg came and I’m allergic to kittens and we had to get rid of it really was a dick I didn’t like him
is that Brits at Bruce’s Eddy Street Band Moxy you know that Bruce had talented I heard I heard that he could even keep it be I will say we Chicago only speak about my experience with to the all the movies filming they’re my bodyguards and having second city that you go. Go to it occurred to me that comedy was something you could do as a job at ended it wasn’t just something that happened far away I think that for me was part of it
but we have cuz you’re a good-looking guy I’ll take it I’ll take it but it’s a smaller Chicago it it also had its own little smaller comedy community you know like it so I have to wonder like okay maybe if you grew up in a town of 200 people I guess maybe you didn’t grow up around comedy clubs and I mean I don’t know what my point is like what am I trying to scientifically prove there’s something in the water in Chicago that makes the move to LA sure I do think the Second City a lot of people came out of Second City as like a breeding ground and I don’t know why maybe people in Chicago are like well I got to move to one of two bigger cities and I don’t want to move to the fucking dirty or 1 and I’m sick of the cold complicated
that’s probably what it is it’s like forget it brother okay
also trim Chicago hi sorry I didn’t get you please come help yourself
hahaha I was going to make a baby with this one day but I’ll make more
there’s a lot of fat ass out there because it is
killed them because they said they can’t get back into the pool
and I got jerked off a lot to talk about, I moved to New York cuz I’m more complicated than these people
do you know you moved to New York as well for a time and then you moved from New York to LA on 9/12 yes. No first and then I went to New York City travel day bro
luckily it wasn’t a plane window that we were we were actually at our house and I was like please New York
and I was like a whole Three Stooges where you’re not supposed to have that reaction because that’s cowardly like your job is to stand there and get out of sword
0 people did help and stuff but you know sorry everyone but sold and we’re living there and and like the fumes of everything was coming and people getting sick so I talked to a guy who works for a law firm move the Obama Administration there was attention paid to this because otherwise I wouldn’t have been not to not to suck a previous administrations dick too hard but doesn’t take that much these days, probably people who people in Arkansas that delivers right now but the come on there’s there’s been you got fucked up if you were lived near Ground Zero like Asbestos and all this shit anyways
little you know carrot dangling called writing for Master of Disguise
Dana Carvey movie about a guy who grew up on that movie
save it i r e Road i r e Road 90% of it and then Adam Sandler came in and took my 90% out and threw it away put in fart jokes and Bush jokes and everything
I wish I could show you my cut cuz I don’t have it and so you’re never going to believe me that I had died when I say it was better Masterpiece version of Master of Disguise shot your version and read what I have read note they took every no Rudolph yeah more farts was a Manger more parts and I’m probably going to bury myself because you’re probably sounds bad but if you remember halfway like he has a little puppy called the cuteness which was never my idea it’s a little puppy
I forget who like what’s Tony said we need a little puppy in this yeah so it showed up and halfway through the movie it just got lost and then the grandfather came in back said he was the master of disguise right so I didn’t write any of that and then it halfway through the year that the grandfather comes in he’s talking about again so my idea was that the grandfather was there the whole time he wasn’t in the little puppy concert and then he came out and then at the end there like we missed the I hate dog food while he has to go back and be a puppy for the rest of his life
and the big know was like parents are going don’t kill the puppy at the end you’re not what I can bring it back to light I mean that didn’t make any sense whatsoever Ben Stiller Adam Sandler Max Weinberg they can all fucking self
it’s a big moment a big moment I hate those guys
I need the views of Dino don’t reflect some of the bridges that I haven’t burned yet there but I was soon I will have a box of two thousand books and I’ll be happy that way and you should be happy too cuz you’re a joyful life master that everyone looks up to
write 7 people look great
all I all the interns Matt Lauer and turn on mic sometimes why it became a writer for Cosby right right and and that
Arden Arden Rd Arden myrin with marine marine marine party Michelle she was she’s doing way better than me now I think he’s started way know he was like yeah I can’t remember where did he come from how did it get that show
is Weinberg still doing anything as it is there a risk to burning that bridge I burned I burnt that bridge when I was on Conan and I think it was built on fire
really badly and John story
when it’s walking on it is so like the Sapa brothers were on like this is back in 1992-93 and they wanted to come out I think I’m at wanted to come out and seeing what’s new pussycat and so Frank Smiley who the audience what would you call
the audience guy guy the haha okay. I’m the band room and and Max answered the whole band is there and Frank says he’s the one I want to do what’s new pussycat in the bands like
hold on a second with me and he goes outside shut the door and he’s yelling at Frankie’s like you know I need 48 hours notice we have to make them do we have to write the notes out when to do all this with you and as he’s screaming at him the band inside starts playing what’s New Pussycat
I’m just Max just as fuck you I’ve ever heard about how I can make it happen even if they were that excited and he would and they they got a lot of support I get paid for it we could do it right now you know original music we would talk cuz I was friends with the band and they are like Daddy such an asshole and and and they’re like please don’t say anything to podcast
well he’s not there anymore but can I take once I brought it up and it was even worse for them so I had this big bastard where I got into an ostrich costume and thank you
you’re my biggest fan and so I would come out every once in awhile and just the whole point was just like going out in this ostrich costume hitting people with the head in the neck and stuff and one time when the band was complaining I said don’t worry I’ll get Max and I can feel it and I take the head and knock and I knocked over symbols and broke them and shit and then I did my bit and left and enter it might have been you someone came up to me and said to get the fuck out of here Max is going to break your neck and I ran home and he asked for my check that week for your check the temerity ostrich check which is coming out three
chewing out you in an ostrich costume
I yelled at people with the ostrich legs and I just stopped away with the big feet I remember saying the head writer at the time I wasn’t going to walk away in the laughing in the big fee money back from the Guitar Center I don’t know I hate him he probably voted for Trump I guarantee if he can break then he thinks I’m embarrassed now I found out my mom my mom my mom I don’t know if my mom wants me to talk about it but I I want to talk about how good it feels when you find out that somebody that you were afraid to ask
so they voted for you know like turns out to you know my mom I don’t know I’m hard on my mom like like like mrs. mythologically like I call her a lizard woman and stuff I like your mom raised me badly but when I got home from LAX like when I accidentally protested by landing on top of the protest for an airplane with a live the play-by-play of it and I got home and she texted me and and she sent me a picture of her in a pink pussy hat and it was a most comfortable thinking I just assumed my Wisconsin parents so you can know that they voted for for Trump and I really didn’t want to know that next Thanksgiving will be way less awkward for you I mean I guess I don’t really go there for Thanksgiving
like it was nice
that’s going to those are the bandage Industries never going to be the same you don’t care all you care about is his hatred that’s all you care about look where it got you
all your volume policing of of of of each other’s language you know that’s just the just set up those fucking fortune people to be like it when my feelings are hurt other than that see her making fun of us now

we got to just beat them up
my gut my gun came today so it did I didn’t know you were telling everyone what here we go tell everyone to have a gun
I am around so save me for last and they don’t know how to use a gun either picture using it for Trump
no no no no shrimp that he was elected president and now we should be scared scared of general destabilization and then the first and then I saw I had Spencer researching like what what do you do when you want to get one and Spencer did some research is like one of the things I’ve learned is 10-day waiting. Okay for a handgun in LA and and then during the first 10 days of this Administration so much shit happened that I was like okay I’m not the amount of time you want I was just like I don’t know why I will want this I have to assume I may need it but I will want it twice as much ten days from now at Rite Aid first 10 days was it looked very familiar to anyone who didn’t fall asleep during 10th grade history class
and I just I can’t sometimes I talked about with my therapist she asked me the same thing what’s it for you it look it’s it’s for edits sometimes it’s for the fact that like I think it’s just a general state of like it’s for the fact that all of my control all over my my recourse to representation my recourse to sanity and stuff like that being taken away it’s like I’m this white privileged dude that’s just like it’s my first experience with it those those nerve endings have never been stimulated so I don’t fucken wandered out and bought a power tool that’s like the stately know it’s like like something you might want to put a hole in another person at some point like like it’s like a Black & Decker commercial in your head just like don’t be caught off-guard with
is attacking you you want to have
General destabilization thing where it’s like like like like I want to have it in a locked case somewhere in my home so that if because of all the domino effect of all the shit that’s being caused by people who are rank amateurs in the White House were just think executive orders or just like fucking office memos and purposely causing the stabilization and also out-and-out calling out to cities and states and saying I don’t I don’t recognize your savoretti likely go all this talk going on sometimes the thought of my head is like this is a this is as close as we’re ever going to get in our lifetime to a situation that could cause plummets of infrastructure on a level that would make me responsible for the food and water of a large group of people in my neighborhood and i n n so maybe that guy should have a gun-friendly reason
because they won’t listen to a whistle around my neck I don’t know maybe I’ll maybe I end up in charge of 19 Kids so you know where the ring I don’t want to wait till the moment I’m like
is it say that the funny thing about the end of the world as they did get you just never there’s never enough time to prepare for it and you just kind of go I’ll need I mean I’m also getting a water filter I’m not going how will I kill people do you did you talk about going in and buying this yet cuz one of my favorite things that you said when you walked in his like it it’s there so excited see it’s like a sushi restaurant when you actually start looking around for them in Burbank it’s like holy shit that I don’t think this is a very much and I’m out of hiding these places 9 it was like there was three on a block and they weren’t competing with each other
oh half office of Senator hey I’m I’m helping out
excited about new gun owners at gun stars for obvious reasons old gun owners probably probably die just like buying a motorcycle
what do people poison all right but anyway so now I’ll have a little black case in my home well I’m going to their heads and tell him to buy some Trent books by summer fiction from your from your cop from your grandma which is also a musical about it’s the it’s the world’s first musical graphic novel I haven’t done a lot of research on that but I’m pretty sure I mean I Googled musical graphic novel in mine was the only one that came up there was music than just me Spencer you’ll have this space to play your guitar necks and then Brita could come out and sing a selection or without that Scott
doctor love Phillip
she said sorry and she was the voice of the singing voice of Jem in Jem and The Argonauts hologram hologram
talk about yourself I don’t like to talk about myself but I like to show up wherever Dino says to come and then he was also a hole
Dan took the mic you know you should keep it
okay yeah Spencer never talks
I like it when you talk to shots so yeah what were you saying
so anyway yeah if you guys know it all
well if you like 13 tomorrow which is what got me canceled and trouble you’ll like Trent cuz it’s really depressing but it’s a little bit to give away too much about it and people are traditionally in the market for cynicism and depression yeah yeah I know I know it’s the worst time to bring up dark black novel out
it’s such a dark black time
don’t buy it
cheap either aren’t you that I looked at the price I’m like literally selling it like if someone gives you $25 on this stage won’t you give them a book from that box you have it’s not $25 is 2499 and a pending so you’re saying that the ship has sailed know I will sell it for $20 here and and these guys will you sign it to Richie I can’t wait to see you have nothing to do with it but maybe you want to make out at 9:11
I actually made it cuz I want to make a stop-motion movie of it and really bore everyone silly so maybe you could write it I can’t wait to read it I want to go to the main voices way we can’t wait to read it
why don’t you why don’t you get out your guitar talk
alright well so here’s the thing Thursday this audience is the only one that’s going to know in time at starburns Industries in Burbank on the stages where we shot anomaly so we’re going to do a little dry run a little test of of using those facilities to to to to do the harmontown stream from there so there’s other stuff too there’s a super tight show they’re going on that night so I went where where can we leave eat where where can we refer to people so that in my drunkenness I could just tell them like go somewhere and check it out and that doesn’t exist but I mean it’s in the castle 1101 West Isabel Street Burbank 8 p.m. Thursday will be a big super tight lots of bands and stand-up comedians performing
a big party of a booze free booze and free to get in but it’s not all ages because there will be there so 21 and up so I and end but how do I know if I’m listening at home and I’m in LA and I’m like oh I want to go to that what if what if I’m the 500th person to show up am I going to get turned away at the door yeah yeah yeah there’s fire code Kevin De said he’ll put up all the information on harmontown.com so you could just check out the front page okay, if you’re hearing this and you close enough to Burbank to come and participate in a cost free minus your gas money I’m kind of experiment in a live streaming HD extravagant life underage drinking
there aren’t the guys you got to really buy the book now cuz I broke the box I brought it in there’s no way to bring them all home 40 boxes regular build broken box trick do you want to read from the blurbs in the back of people who read it
well with a mic in your face is trenchant funny disturbingly and unremittingly strange how it results in something so touching is anyone’s guess maybe it’s the singing who who said that Charlie Kaufman Kaufman printer read the last one to be funnier if they dwindle as pessimistic is Trent is it still ends up hopeful and its own sick way
and who said that next one now this guy you could tell didn’t really like it here is a book that digs deeper into his alternate in Universe comic and unsettling it’s a perfect dose of stamatoyannopoulos metropolis re Bob Odenkirk
but you wanted his name on the book said you could say anything and I’ll print it and then the next one will finish tomorrow remember you never finished it who never finished it
never Furniture review but Sandler changed it
hahaha you guys read what they like are we didn’t all right next to the last one I’m not sure who this would feel to David Cross
Chabot nightmare my life’s a nightmare both Bob Bob and Dave
$25 in 99
all right it’s probably not go down
this is the worst telephone ever
he can’t even afford a real box to put it in
did you guys ever stay in a five-star hotel and you get room service and then the other guy comes in the room and it’s like Jesus Christ like he knows less about your order than you do but at least he’s in your bedroom functionally and it’s like you and your ear and your bed here in your underwear and he’s going like I got a quesadilla breakfast and then a Diet Coke why are you reviewing it
he is a croissant goes like I think it’s it’s pretty chilly my bedroom getting out I came here to get away from people I want the food to come in at 2 to talk about what about sitting down here makes a shrub
he doesn’t want to come out
don’t step on the phone
we don’t have enough people out here
I resent being told I was interrupting I mean yeah
can we hear the guitar
yeah yeah you’re the best at listening to guitars
is it hear it hear it I hear it
check one two check check one two
beginning of the third act so you will know what it’s about but it’s kind of a pretty saw but something has happened to their family how many acts are in this 3x you know
what Jeff department on your guitar and if so can you turn it up a bit
how’s that
is there something wrong with his two new guitar
I think turn up a little more well. Can’t go up a pretty song
I thought you made fun of him not me I like you do you have a $17 everybody
the nice thing is that you can use the broken possible you at all these books you can build a new box out of hate my life
like I said you want to set up a song at all do you want to do you want me to think you should I don’t want it I don’t want to spoiler alert it was not going to buy it
but that also resonate like you wanted to but they don’t know what’s going on you’re not going to help you just want to just going to yell at us
it’s not a it’s not a spoiler to say it’s about pregnancy pregnancy something happens to their baby
it lives
I want page that remind me to take babies do one of them they grow up to be people there’s a lot of things that can go wrong with a baby
that reminds me of a story story about my friend was watching a movie Outlaw Josey Wales with my friend and my brother was there and he had seen it and at one point my friend asked my brother character died and I’m going to don’t whisper it to him I don’t want to know so my brother Whispers if he died or not and we start watching some more and my friend turns him and says when
when did he keep living
Okay so
pretty funny I’m I’m probably screwed up why what do you want everything I gave you
okay I’m so mad at you right now
not right now
you used to
quiet you failed in that takes away all your squeal it’s really not the entrance
you were young song
you couldn’t have known better
I want you to know that I’m not mad you are my friend
though I know you’ll never hear it you can just call me dad
you’ve always been pretty right
all right
I’m done
we didn’t we didn’t rehearse it or anything so
so that’s songs inside the comic book well here’s the thing Spencer thank you there’s there’s a website that you go you can all hear it for free if you want and then buy a 1599
still I swear to God I’ll go by that 1599 careful
1599 fit let’s make a $15 I don’t have change
I think you could even get some popcorn for that money by Richie sorry sorry nothing when she’s at 1 what’s up with the speech
I know it’s about that babe baby but it’s also not as funny as you think it is
it’s not Shock you mer
no such thing no it’s very funny you know how like you’re in it when you’re playing football as a kid and like the suckers walk back to the other side of the forget it still be the worst Tucker’s walk back to my apartment with all these books at $12 a book
alright $12 you’ll never get him at 12 a.m.
what if you were here like out in a shell for five bucks next
what if you scoop them up take them out start setting up to sell them for the after the show Rush that’s what I’m going to do you want do you want to get rid of me though I want my chair back all right all right I feel like I was going to say something but no that’s okay goodbye
Geno’s camera tablet
I was going to play night walk off music we got to put a guitar away fix your bookmarks
Scott s invented Phillips everybody
ready to score one of your books
I have that for you but it turns out all right.
Front and center
really going to stay out of this
my brother-in-law edited your movie Matt Frank oh my God I love that front of first-time feature guys and we were like on a Stakeout for 8 months in a room together but I do love the man and the edited, show me seven things, have you seen
yeah how do you say it where you live you were at Sundance then you guys I just got a text from do you know he’s not going to pay you $4 for every book
and you get $4
you said $7
ssss mister
he he he hates his book and money
so I’m working with I’m slowly writing a book for for for double day and I have a friend who’s helping me out on it and they they have a kid a kid in a third grade class and this is the I just wanted to share this cuz I thought it was funny this is the list of essay topics that the kids generated for third grade English these are the list of essay topics third graders coming up with their own essay topics for the children title of the third graders coming up with their own essay topics for essays they like to write
all right
Travis become Ed McMahon you should help the homeless the government should help the homeless and on those two are going to get married wolves should be thought of more
people should have more kids no conflict of interest
everyone should get a kitten
you should go snorkeling you should it’s fucking awesome I love snorkeling I love kittens
oh shit sorry

you can stay Scott if you like you
although he knows Book price went back up to $14
show me call Adam Sandler and a topic
we’re about a quarter of the way through the right these are written by third grade children children so you would know which essay you’re talking about without reading the whole essay you could just do the title I like everyone gets a kitten
so far I think Herbert Hoover Randleman same plan for these kids are saying more kids there is too much junk food, and you should eat less junk food every everybody should do rhythmic gymnastics her mom or his mom against Trump and then they end it was like a kid saying a really articulate thing about why Trump shouldn’t be the president coz it undermines everything because the kid has just been coach need to feel like Aldi
don’t have been coach none of it has any real life entities I haven’t seen the ads were advertising Trump not being president of a little girl it’s a little girl in Scotland’s interview Trump is a cunt
I think that kid that said the fire if that’s Drew Carey’s kids
you know what are we doing here these are essays essay topics written by 38 State shows they are sometimes they pick their own essay topics you need to write an essay about Harriet Tubman oh well it’s expensive profile I don’t want to be on film anymore anyway I had to get it back I don’t know
Kevin you on that text I had a feeling he would be here Christmas tradition Chris broth recipe
Kpop quiz
you should go to Universal Studios
you shouldn’t you shouldn’t you don’t want it, but maybe but I am better needed essay then if we disagree Ashley I say about that we need more sushi
I take your point. Third graders an expert in sushi though
corporate interests to work for these conglomerates they all work for big kitten I should be on a basketball team
oh my God like Cascadia I just mistook it for a Santa list so I should get an iPhone I should get more room for my toys that is a little bit little twist there right Brentwood kid that is a spoiled kid
yes I need to Annex my sister’s room to store my toys I should get a dog there is we’re in a rut here if I think they are looking at each other like you were really depressed guy
I should be in a basketball team
you know it I should get a new bike
I should get an iPhone I should get more room for my toys
she can a dog staring out the window
okay this one I don’t understand cleared up more people should be on DJ Lube
I’ve been single for years radio station.
somebody licking would be the word League without the e on the end of no more people should be John BJ criminals should be caught on videotape
people that caught on videotape my child but if you’re saying I witness accounts are unreliable in place should have body cams maybe maybe that’s what they overheard their parents name
okay sounds great children
kids now there whether they’re bringing him up. They’re sleeping and Tides ocean I’m sorry this is the end of the looks like these are two different things know the full thing is Criminal should be caught on videotape because I witness cannot be trusted
and that little boy grew up to be big brother how is it is it my or is it why do you think I came here tonight I should get a pet you should stop littering
dance is the best dance is the best sports and hockey is the best sport I assume that last little beat up the kid above him and I want to get those that says though I want to see what they became how did you how did you get a hold of those I’m friends with a person and I’m working with it is that their kid is in this third grade class and their teachers a lot of fun starts teachers whenever we have them on this fun story what is the title
what are the titles for this fun story if you’re a teacher and you are a fan of the show is this the title I’d love you to come on the show I always making me feel like I beg this person this teacher cuz she’s written some stuff like she sent out an email to the parents and like the stuff that she says about teaching name one thing she says hey mister I don’t have it I don’t have it my word for it that she’s an admirable person
you can’t see you so say something well we don’t want to buy my truck and sponge that I make for washing your car
going to be a sponge that keeps you from slitting your wrists will but I can’t take him off stage remember when Daniel came out with a box full of books and pretended the box broke so all the books Spilled Out across the floor and try to elicit our pity that we would buy his book
in entertainment news did you guys know that this this guy taika waititi he signed on to direct this is crazy stop motion Movie about Michael Jackson’s chimp like I read that movie talking about career suicide I’m at right but we wish him the best of luck with his new feature project bubbles produced by starburns Industries it’s my studio is why I brought it up I know right all right really isn’t yeah now that hopefully it’s better to set up a will have the writer on in coming months Maybe
they’ll rip off your face
who sings I’ll rip your face off and testicles
don’t mess with animals in the wild species of animal man
I was seriously a chimpanzee right because it’s like human I’ll shoot you or blow you up a Lionel just so I can eat you and you better these what we know of chimps is that they will Dale dress up like cowboys and then I’ll rip your face off an hour ago so
deal now it’s my face and arms are stronger than King tank has the most formidable if you had to encounter them which would be more terrifying for you yeah man man they got guns you’d rather go one-on-one with a man then like a leopard yeah yeah yeah I would rather go one-on-one with a man
not buying shoes and
any any couch are probably better with a man the leopard you said man was the most dangerous he made it through with multiple questions flying around the last animal you’d want to go on a one with like the one that you would be most afraid of a hippo yeah I feel like if I eat if I don’t know I mean if Ava lions like I’m going to kill this guy he’s probably going to kill you but like if Alliance like I might kill this guy and you stabbed him in the eye or something he might fuck off you never know but like a hippo home and you’re dead you’re fucking dead
I hear terrible things about geese
well what are your sources tells me that that they will bite you till the cows come home but it won’t hurt that bad Spencer you’ve been bitten by a geese and you have cows
have you been bitten by a goose I used to go to the store the super aggressive they got weird weird yeah they bet you will tell me where a classic.
They bit me on the hand I know because you had duck food and yeah so you feel ya
one time me and my friends were hanging out behind a Costco and we found that they threw out more than 40 fresh loaves of bread because they got the new bread in but they weren’t bad breads presumably so we got 40 loaves of bread and went to the duck pond
it was good I dare you guys were probably Stone we are
Stone but that’s not this time we were making it rain we were like slices and slices
the water is probably bad for the local environment
ducks in the animals a lot like a duck pond in Simi Valley there was a lot to do there was a big duck pond that you could go to all sorts of animals and so sometimes you feed them but yeah the geese are the most aggressive so they could come and then kind of swarm you and they really get like they put their necks up like they’re like trying to like square up with you get food from you do you have food in there trying to bully you
territorial to like they’re just really angry and and dumb like you don’t really lose some animal trait like like like like there’s scaring you because they want the food but like an animal that’s like like being mean to you because it wants your food when it did yeah they’re not they’re not nice I am man yeah bring it down bro yeah. I’m at what about those swans mail I got the Swan Swan ever try to get your bread man
no no no fuzzy Swan feel like they don’t get close to the swans or I haven’t seen him
you don’t service
no matter how much or how little snacks are available the Snickers bar is like the Gideon Bible of the hotel snack wonder is that like a corporate toll hold tightly unrelated
just going to be based on Shimano right that’s got to be somehow that’s got to be the man that’s like the candy bar Snickers is like a bunch of likes knockers and sneakers
candy bars that are very close to Snickers I wonder if they don’t fuck with that Mars candy bar preparation we are faster than the comprises new regulations and that’s all we know
alright alright oh man there a meal on the way here and pride, de items I’m going to put a little dent in that if I couldn’t they don’t exist you get it comes out of a deep fried peanut butter cup it’s a it’s a ball of fried bread or whatever the fuck they didn’t you open it and it’s just like it’s his group like come on let’s let’s get real about what was going to call you enjoying your deep fried Mars bar when we were really drunk as well sure
kids go in the middle
I’m not eating pads
Miss will you please take this bath chocolatey mess but it’s not like
hey it’s melted on the inside but wait we put it in boiling oil sir
why did you do that
why did you do that
a $5 get to the video subscription
can you watch Forensic Files you know they always have to close the episode does it’s always sad someone got murdered you know that so they can’t end it with just the people cuz they can’t go like things like like like like her I was stuck in the closet I was stuck in the closet so hot man eating a cold I’m so Savana stuck in a car that would have been a good episode they don’t do that but they never do that cuz they do that but you do it once the 2nd the last thing that happens is always the son of the murdered people’s families they have to say like I’ll wear so sad they got murdered and we we always hang out at their grave and we always like miss him and stuff but it sucks that they’re dead and but you can’t and the episode like that’s the thing they always need this like I don’t know how come
for these cops and stuff cuz it always has to be like a cop that said that they’re not you know if you’re a cop and you’re listening and you’re a genius like email me but but like you guys did Ellie and I was like I’m just saying there’s been like this Ben court cases about the fact that they screen you for a high IQ and end and not in the positive side like these cops are kind of like a date that you want to close the episode with them saying they just need to say that forensics important and so they’re always this is like the music is rising up for this like sometimes it takes a really long time and I think I like it was a case that where a person definitely did a bad thing and like it was good and but and they they would have gotten away I mean the police did everything they could but they could have they could have not done as much
but if it worked if it worked for for science
I just thought I watch every episode of friends are positive words like waiting for that part of the entrance music coming over there just like this is a guy who’s the bad guy in Vegas a science they start their quotes renzyx science was crucial to this investigation and forensic science was important because when you have when you have a crime proof that that that that that swab from her vagina like
that was that that really tied it up later on Jimmy Kimmel
added that the Forensic Files guy has the voice over guy he’s out how do you know
story about a person get slashed to Pieces as energy already and I’m excited have to describe the murder so out of empathy starts and pick it up he only show
like watching the fire burn with the phone with the fire department so
they also during the recap to incorporate all of the things like that they found forensically so they make it sound like the person doing the crime did all these really weird specific microscopic things like pulling into the driveway angry about his girlfriend and he got out of the car and as he did his fingertips touch the edge of the door leaving the grease stains later found by police he yanked her hair pulled her down the driveway leaving a slight Trail of the grease and dandruff that the dog would lick up and then the dog pathologist would find in the dog’s intestines and I’m making my point clear I don’t know what my so far that we can find dead people that I’m the only one that likes dogs do you know you’re the only one that like during our fascist takeover you’re like still Tweeting like
there was a dog that guy that we got shot but then the. It got the dog got shot and then he still at the end he got he tried to steal he got shot and then he was like out of commission for a little bit and then the way that the guy got caught he was a Samoan gangster name Sable Claus be scary we talked about that like kactusbunch and stuff like that when those get those gangs that have like silly names like you’re at home and they must fucking just like I guess he was like it a Hannibal Lecter Dolly and the court and was just like I want to do it more stable Claus got busted only because the dog that he shot his name was chief he got shot in the shoulder with jugs of shoulders and then he like and then he hung out for a little bit and then like while his owners got killed and then he at the end he was still like fuck you and like Randy got shot at close enough range that there was enough misting of the
bad blood that Sable Claus is now in prison stable Claus
but now you know not cuz he’s Samoan cuz he’s a gangster so I don’t make that clear
Samoan Samoans have provided us with a lot of like wonderful people
yes Dwayne The Rock Johnson I think is one of them made what are some of the inventions that Samoans
made in history like famous inventions have a good cookie that’s the cookie and because Kiki was Samoan
who asked that that sounds like I done something you asking to raise his web site will provide for us I found them cracking the case what did Harriet Tubman invent
maybe she didn’t get a chance
you know maybe Thomas Edison when he was born he was given like a bunch of light bulb assembly kits we don’t know
hey guys we only have a couple minutes left you and Zack just informed me he’s got a new beats that we haven’t heard before you want to do it you were going to try this out
I just got to sign created by dinner and I filled in the price suggested Jeff Davis value of the book tranzvia graphic novel final price I chose this $21 transfer the world’s first musical graphic novel what size you wanted $21 graphic novel by John mileya to Shawnee right
or best offer
don’t give it away saying don’t give it away take your guitar out again
OK Google
I exactly that beat on his nose get the fuck out
fist fight opens April 17th
cool male to male Xanax
Jillian Jillian Jillian Bell
check check meaning
act like a man
yo from the break of dawn affect your mama all day and I’ll have to do and long I serve the tea I served her bread affect your earring to put my dick through her head like she was Steve Martin like a wild crazy guy with a arrow going behind your eyes she all she could see was the back of my dick cuz she was using the back of their eyeballs to look at shit that’s how eyeballs were working both sides their orbs in it when you open them twice as wide you can see 360000 degrees and you see who all the humanities. It’s me he’s because we’ve been abusing the planet abusing our we’ve got a hole in the ozone layer come up there I thought your mama in the space station affect her so hard that she was in celebration of of my penis and my balls in front your mama and we went over Niagara Falls we got married in Canada affect your mama
I thought your mama
I thought your mama your mama Paula my name is beautiful
what do we want to eat with chocolate heavy cream cheese and sausage my name is
Edina Goodwill compared to Bong bong
becoming a Hermit down everybody
rabbit trap
Vybz Kartel
Richard Keane everybody’s
treasure treasure craft Jennifer Sky
I’m Jeff Davis Hitman cars that are on the beach bag now
hell yeah. Leaving all right y’all
go to harmontown. Come to find out information with that thing we’re doing Thursday it’s in Burbank and then it’s and it’s free and you’ll just be helping us and having a it’ll be a party it won’t be a work


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