Episode: 252 – Epeephany


Episode: 252 – Epeephany


Kaitlin Byrd from the Citizen Zero Project stops by to talk politics, then the gang explores their inner cow while role playing.


spell instruction
let’s walk around the cage treasure Kristen and everybody’s been to Crittenden
believe me but bring me a cocktail help me back cuz you know him you love him
thank you
thank you very much my dog was he was so it’s the weekend so and it’s like the dog has a dog sitter like all week Allison’s she’s the witch dog Harvey Harvey is a very large dog I don’t say that in front of him I called them both I got you say my two equally normal sized dogs cuz there’s no such thing as a normal dog take a long time to say and so on the weekend which is when I’m near the most like Harvey who is a creature of warmth and love like you like he thinks maybe when I get up to go get more ice cream or like
emergency battery for whatever electronic device I’m staring at like I other than he gets all excited like he thinks maybe a jog around the block or Russell if they are with him and I was just I was going to breakfast today and he he got excited and ran over the door cuz he’s like, he’s going outside he’s probably like Alice on the toxin or he’s probably going to like put a leash on me and go running around with me and I looked at him and I said listen man like you you know you know how to score like I’m a bad dog owner like
it just you just relax and and and we’re both going to die and I’ll see you in heaven
and I heard myself say that and I thought it was kind of funny the idea of dogs going to heaven and then like like you know us actually all going to the same heaven cuz then everything you ate would be in heaven and like octopus are like really smart creatures and they’d all be in heaven but like there’s like a biology merging in heaven which is what happens in life cuz he died and you break down so isn’t Heaven that’s Heavens just doesn’t exist in its nothing is not news to you guys I just had the kind of I don’t know where that was going to go
I didn’t want to like I didn’t figure you guys are running from that and I didn’t want to go to the Game of Thrones you’re missing it thank you so much I did oh yeah
I say no I don’t want spoilers but enough of an anarchist to want you to spoil it right now rhyme with bronze low
I don’t know you guys want my opinion about Lena Dunham dog and what’s your opinion on Lena Dunham stock
I don’t want to know his opinion about whatever he just said I was reading
opinion on this
opportunity I don’t think that I don’t
shelters should should do that I think the people that want dogs to be happy and end up in good homes should see the bigger picture I think I feel like what is Lena Dunham have to do before we stop hitting her in the face like like for what what did she do I don’t know what you’re talkin about so hit me to the Giant versus lying about her dog she took her dog to shed she gave up her dog she had for 4 years because it and she said is that it was biting this was a tad aggressive behavior and it had a dark path to do something in a white whatever whatever whatever she said what the fuck she’s not under she’s not a goddamn years is giving it up and it did it big people and then but then there was like this communique issued by the shelter she got it from it was like
we knew it for 3 weeks and let dogs certainly not a big long like this animal shelter what the fuck are you doing call me safe I want the animal hospital is like he also had bruises that we couldn’t account for
fucking social worker
are you admitting that Nigel has bruises that can’t be accounted for
keeps falling
Bull weight that so I thought it was like someone came to interview the shelter been all Aiko what’s what’s the score and then someone’s like the letter to the people about fucking somehow less is coming to the sadness like I was going to have something happy to talk about it with George Romero died Martin Landau do yeah you know Romero was one of the first Hollywood meetings I ever had when I came out here and I can’t remember who set it up I don’t know if it would he was with the Gersh agency back then I just remember like why we’re meeting George Romero and he wore his word he wear that vast that directors wear to the meeting and he he he signed a copy of the signed shrubs Dawn of the Dead I think it was can’t remember what movies have had him sign
I don’t know why people deal with Celebrity Death like that like I worked with him once
extra penny that he’s dead
Tony and I had the honor of doing a scene together and Surfer ninjas now I’m now it’s bad that he’s died
I need the other thing that everyone does when it’s a celebrity like everyone wants to connect the dots there like Tony Tony from Tony Johnson died Surf’s Up brother don’t watch out you’ll be eating brains of your victims in prison I guess this leads into this is why I’ll finish up because I had an epiphany about this I haven’t executed this Epiphany yet I haven’t acted on it but my Epiphany has been this all right are you listening or you paying attention I’m fucking with all the way up the reason I’ve been getting mad at people on Twitter is because for 30 years of internet usage I have always been assuming this one thing that was going to be a common like assumption about everyone which is that everything that you’re saying on the Internet is something that you’re implying you
say to my face in real life or out loud in a crowded room with your like broadcasting it and I was just taking a pee at work the other day and I was like cuz we were talking about the internet and then I was like I don’t know I was happy at an epiphany and I I like we have all the time and it’s like I think they will warm water leaves your body and your brain like shift yeah whatever you were just talking about you said if Epiphany okay I didn’t point it I don’t think
I’m writing it down but but I might happy Fanny was holyshit
everyone everyone in the world is a moron and and end so when the internet gave them the ability to say things to each other a lot of these people inherited for the first time in their life the ability to say things to anyone anyway I’m so these are not people who would be at your party and then say that while you were saying what you’re saying like I just tweet even when I’m like it a tweetstorm I’m just doing what I do ask anybody that knows me I just talk and I don’t fucking stop when I yell at everybody and I’m like and I think this is what these are all the things that people would say while I was doing that it’s like you should be mad right away if they were going to your little Minds that’s what you’re talkin to some
on the internet that’s what’s happening is we have very low-grade telepathy you just seeing what’s going on in their little lobster brain like it like that it’s just like now they have the ability to like accidentally project they’re typing it and just so you know another guy they’re like I’m racist and would you like you it’s still important to know that they’re racist that’s valuable information but I wouldn’t get as mad at them and they be like what race is a superhero and therefore I wouldn’t get that mad at that I had this idea I had this idea I like an evil plan like if I was an evil villain that like you could take all the stupid things that people say online that in the 1940s just wouldn’t be you know
online and able to be searchable by a robot and you get all this racist stuff and I don’t know how you flag of a flag of his dumb racist stuff and you collect it all and then use the van to find these people’s kids when they’re like 13 or 11 or 12 and you just show him all this racist stuff at their parents said they know this stupid shit and looks like here’s your fucking parents they’re fucking dips don’t listen to anything they say and it’ll be like a time bomb that just goes on simultaneously like 20 years in the future and will be at the tire generation of like kids they’re like wow my parents are really fucking stupid and which I just didn’t see their Twitter feed all this time the society will break down
I like I’m Charmed by the notion that people don’t know their parents are full of shit no but you just see all were years old going to be great also you yourself right like just anything I know yeah I know that you said when you were activated and like fight you were fighting something I know if my kids saw that I feel like I can’t send him to screw the thing is that you’re going to raise a generation of Pippi Longstockings like they’re going to have no parents cuz that’ll be great but the parents everything they say is full of shit in the kids going to say they just said happy birthday just so you know right all the nests 5000 radio. Just floating through neighborhood peeking in Windows love insincere insincerity proven
what was the source of Pippi Longstocking a super strength like her mom was racist
she would pull up her mom’s Facebook if anybody was in trouble that she would read like what what is this rant about Islam easily proven with a cursory Snopes visit
someone made a snopes is fake news sound or did I projected onto them
I think I can assume that people that came in a Game of Thrones nighter
like what what do they feel the same way you do and I got to hear the word smells like they feel singled out what’s a Pippi Longstocking what is half of what he says I’m just a big fan of of this person I really don’t know that much about her as I thought it was you know let the get to get to know where where I get to know everyone else she’s out there in Brooklyn tweet in a way she has like this amazing
Outlook I mean I told you up here like you know where I’m at which is like starting at zero because I felt like I was like with you you heard me you can rewind my fucking stuff and you can hear me talking about things that are true which is that the bipartisan system doesn’t work but now we all miss it very much I do I’ll speak for myself and I’m like I’m like I’m like like like I just kind of like I got I got whipped whipped what’s that sound why you making that sound pretty laugh it’s at the wrong time and it’s the wrong time I am a father about somebody was enjoying enjoying the show that’s what I’m talking about
that’s what happened to me after the election I experiencing vulnerability his name is Charlie Snopes
from the New Hampshire Snopes actually that’s not true we’re not from New Hampshire
would you like some dip that’s not dip
okay look this is a i stalked your Facebook page when she was hit she was flying in today and I was like the Facebook page and I saw this is from December 1st to shortly after the campaign and election I felt that something was truly off about our institutions the way people were absorbing And discussing politics and the lack of discussion about policy I thought for a while about the source of this problem and potential Solutions and I made a decision I’m working on a project to develop the concept of citizenship it’s more than just knowing facts about the system so I saw somewhere that only 36% of Americans can name the three branches of government is this series of habits that reinforce the ways a citizen absorbs information participates in our system and reacts to the decision of those in power decisions of those in power it is not partisan in nature any more than the Constitution itself it is
about seeing politics at its core as identifying and solving problems at the moment too many see politics is a battle of dueling ideologies are degrading Horrors the concept of we are the people we the people being in charge of our own government and Destiny is without faith and with few Advocates I want to rebuild that faith we are our government we can make decisions about our lives we can take pride in accepting reality even when it doesn’t match our ideologies we can see how the media we consume dies is our perception we can fight self-serving perceptions with evidence and empathy we can engage in identifying and solving our problems if we can engage in identifying at solving problems bigger than our individual live whether that is through government involvement or restraint we can get honesty from our politicians about their plans to man to dignity and respect for the power they hold by their offices and punish them without stir when they fail to bring Solutions and she goes on and on and I wanted to go on and on up here so let’s bring to the stage Kaitlyn bird
I forgot the one thing I should have asked you backstage was oh wait am I supposed to use your real name or did I just like okay
no we can edit that out very easily and okay because you’re you’re you’re you’re meeting. Where I said where you have like a thousand followers which I didn’t do anything to earn 400. I did explain why I have them but I just the things that you’re doing in that corner of the Internet seem magnificent to me and I’m coming to you for this episode of the podcast just want to get a little like Clarity but also hear from the side because I guess what am I why am I explaining to you how I’m about to interview you
it’s good I’ve never been interviewed before so this is like isn’t good I need like some prep okay you have us do you have a separate Twitter that’s like citizen zero this isn’t your wheelhouse batting particular like you’re not like a the Web Genius or whatever but you’re hoping this could be a kind of a project that people get interested in and it started but it’s about the analysis and end up of what it is what it what does it mean to be an active citizen what does it mean and so I guess the thing that I want to start with is because all of us are familiar with this aspect which is arguing online about politics how do we do that right
I guess to start I did it like actually write a post cuz I’m a terrible person who writes blogs forever the first thing I think to start with is always to have an idea of what you actually want to get out of the discussion if you go into a political discussion and your aim you don’t know what you want it to look like when it’s done you’re going to end up in a flame or where you call somebody can’t because because you’re not because you’re secretly like not that’s what you’re actually are burnt up about you can actually do yourself good and do the other people goodbye actually knowing that that’s what you’re thinking first of all right like so if I’m just sitting over here so first of all if I’m mad I hate women like let’s say hypothetically
I hate women I just heard about the Wonder Woman Premiere are the Wonder Woman screening where you’re not allowed to have men at the thing at the Alamo Drafthouse so I just I just read about that on Facebook and now I’m I’m real mad or or maybe I’m not even being used
because people don’t understand how it logical it is but but like hot or what
status update or like is that the first mistake is if people don’t start discourse that way they don’t be honest and say this is how I feel what kind of type of dancing when it cover cuz if you don’t just have to talk about how you feel about something there’s so much space for that is a lot of it but you know if you want to use social media to therapy session which is totally cool just a technology that’s what you’re doing cuz then people don’t want to engage with you if you’re like having those feels I feel like that’s not a great way to start political discussion I think the easiest way
I don’t know why I was really upset about I think the thread that you noticed that. You to follow me was the one about Bernie Sanders and I started from this place is like what I got a lot of thoughts about Bernie Sanders but so many of my head so maybe I should like to put them out there and I started from the place of like to be confrontational I don’t want this to be like oh my God I hate Bernie all you can suck it so I just came from that place cuz I know that that was going to end badly I was like okay let’s talk about why people don’t like Bernie Sanders let’s talk about that for the talk about why people might not be involved in his campaign or not feel like he insults them or feel their distant from his Concepts at least if I get that out then at least you know where I’m coming from when I say that I don’t like him and I don’t want him to be president United States if I don’t it’s not personal
Midas Lake but it means that I have to be honest about where I’m coming from what’s motivating me and it filled explain and defend it when somebody comes up to me so a good place to start from if you just want to vent some stuff which is which is all of our rights to do like it’s probably best to just be like letting you know honestly better although some of us want to like have a point of view at some point about the sarcasm and sometimes it involves like like the next thing that’s going to happen is this and it’s not really argument is there but let’s say you were honest enough to stay here is why some people don’t like the Bernie movement here by some of us feel a little betrayed even as you feel betrayed and all the stuff and you say these things me lay out your thoughts and then Someone’s Not So now let’s go to the next step which is you’re being attacked or someone’s going to talk down to you whatever you want to call it lake lake lake but but you seem to have this
eonline which was inspiring to me like you don’t automatically assume like that this even though you said with a conversion of 0 absolutely one hundred percent zero ever but people are watching and we’re performing a like a dummy like a mannequin like going to be like you just said all that stuff about Bernie okay so then I respond to you and I said yeah well what makes you because because you started it with like this is why some people so I’m going to hit you there and I guess what makes you think you speak for the people you think you’re speaking for why do you think you’re speaking for those people so I’m pretty sure
you didn’t offer him so then that person dialed up now because you’re going early to go flex
that persons not riled up cuz though they’re going to go well the reason he lost the primary is because the primary was was was not a fair fight that she can see in the leaked emails that she is conspiring against him that the Democratic party is villainous and unfair I don’t know how
really didn’t respond solso in a hundred forty characters it is basically lost the race on March 1st and you would need to show exactly explain to me exactly what the DNC did before March 1st that secured the fact that he would never get enough delegates to win the nomination if you can explain that to me I will gladly take your position knowledge it I will say like I totally understand where you feel you’re coming from but you got to show me the evidence of a problem that could not be solved by his campaign
do you ever have are you do you because I just
like what you going to learn a little bit about your like from birth forward like you’re early story because I’m curious about how
after that election and those spreadsheet results where a certain demographics were revealed to be just as chaotic as life itself the things that we thought if you had this quality or that quality from birth that how that that has put us all into a tizzy and there’s actually on that spreadsheet that I said after the election if you cross me all of it it’s like there’s one group of people that should be taking their hands off the wheel right now and envy more jaded than ever and that’s black women because they turned out to the pool and like I don’t know who those three percent where 2% of whatever it was but but it was like end
from the next morning from from your other Democrats
from from from from from from white women from from I mean you expected it from white men act like that women didn’t like Wonder Woman it through you know like like like you just like as one gender friend we were hanging out and we were so excited and then like we started calling Florida and I was like this is this is not good is not good in my friend was like freaking out cuz she was I mean we’re both black women she was freaking out she was like we going we going to die and I was like maybe not maybe maybe something will happen and then she’ll win and then we won’t die and it didn’t work out for us. Yelling at Cody like like
I was like mad at her for thinking it was possible for women to have their hearts broken
it’s okay so I did feel to third-degree I was like I had I mean politics so I actually did my first door-to-door petition drive at 3
so it really mad about 30 minutes to take us to the moment of birth is definitely not how long was the labor what hospital was it was born and bred New York Jets were like gray civically minded Chris’s too much being elected official so she never really got into the like the negotiation of politics cuz she doesn’t have patience with your mother cruising
no I die by the way I’m from the future coming through a portal into the your mother’s kitchen about her political career it’s not because of your swearing it will only ever be because you’re a woman and we are going to elect a man who talks like a sewer in in all the ways that really matter then I’m going to go back to the portal and enjoy a nice cocktail ya know it’s good and then my dad was was an actual look-alike official he actually helped preserve a local train line that was going to get torn down and I got a chance to ride on it cuz you done all that work and was really cool to come grow up and local politics except the knowing all your politicians local politicians means that you find them really human in really Petty all the time it was an experience to like see what it looks like to do all the time like petition drives and try to get people involved and then they after
and I was sitting there after having spent lots of hours yelling at my television about like that doesn’t matter doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter that he’s like love golf like why does anyone care who is talking about these really important things like are we going to upgrade our energy grid that’s really important we we can’t just let it sit there for the next 20 years. Reading is I want to talk about global warming any like literally at all like maybe like 5 minutes could you just ask him a question about climate change and then if he doesn’t answer correctly cuz there’s a correct answer there’s only one answer actually there’s literally eat his own choice like one answer the Earth isn’t getting warmer but what are we going to do and the answer is fix it that you were talking back stage with the original zero-sum game with sounds exactly like that which is human rights because you take it you were telling me things about the Dixiecrats in history that I am just here to abs
so I was thinking about Soylent or something for those years
part of the Republican Party platform when they started like when does the Republican party started any human rights when you’re talking about slavery this kind of like no like separation food American rights as regular human rights they’re the same they’re the same concept and we’re talkin about the ability to access your Civil Society like if that’s the standard that you’re setting for your citizenship like white dudes get to participate in society that’s that’s a human right at that point it’s not like a right for a particular group if it’s necessary to make it possible for that entire group to vote than is necessary for everyone to be able to vote that’s how it should work the only reason we have an age cutoff is cuz yeah I do I do I don’t want a world run by me at 32 hour or five seconds ago we move forward and we grow it and hopefully the society whatever why am I doing this
the sidebar on that voter suppression understand that a little bit that’s simply the horrible kind of sometimes functional but ultimately erosive process of playing chess with like we’re districts are drawn so that but we all know gerrymandering is and how that is voter suppression what is the what is the shit going on with like like why it isn’t really as simple as like with voter ID laws state of affairs with what I meant to bring from state-to-state I’m lost their so everything gets to determine what is going to do with its own election which is a good thing in some ways and bad thing from like a national perspective when we’re running for president cuz it’s really annoying state-by-state basically what you can do is you can create a standard for voting and once you do that you basically can control the rules of who what it means to be
participate in voting I know that there was an automatic voter registration bill that was going through a Nevada I believe there’s a state or to this working with on it it might be organ organ actually passed it, which means that you’re automatically registered at 18 and you have to like go Indie register or something like that in order to stop being on the voter rolls or death certificate and that means that works this way which is basically if you said a standard right that only some people can meet even though everybody’s an eligible voter you get to choose who filters through and that’s what they want it that’s what voter suppression is about they want to buy a drug test or a manifestation of the first thing is is that they use the fact that only some forms of ID are legitimate ID your college ID is not a legitimate form of ID even has your address
so that means college students now have to get a separate ID in the state with all their birth information rather than just being able to use your student ID to vote so you can register it school college and vote actually my bestie went to was in school in Philadelphia and she voted out Rick Santorum and I’m like one of her great like she’s always liked and I now having done that I’ve already written to her and I feel so good. She was able to didn’t need to present like photo ID she was able to go present the evidence that she lived in Philadelphia as her for me to doing it right now what happens is that was voter ID laws basically what they do that kind of standard that you have to meet so you have to bring your birth certificate or like how many people right now in this room until you like tell us a specifically where your birth certificate is right at this moment
did not raise her hand you can’t just adding any it just occurred to me adding any Hoops even if they’re seemingly not like they’re not like hey if you are a fan of the Patriots you need to change the filter only needs to be a filter in order to slow down poor people young people people that are working a lot any extra steps the harder you make it to vote in the more I think I think that’s essentially we’re down a fucking branch that I took you down because okay phone is a human right that is a that’s an argument that we’re still having needlessly the idea that voting is a human rights forget about shelter medicine all these things so take us back to
somewhere around the eighteen-hundreds about a step forward where human rights is like this issue that starts fragmenting us into weird bedfellows. Always been fragmenting ass so let’s start from the basic sentence the basic concept great idea of America is that it’s not based on where you came nationally and I was always a dream is to miss all of you that we talked about 4 is that we built the country on ideals and you could come here and you can bring what you wanted to dream in a dream The Impossible Dream all of that I can’t sing something I can try it but the point is is that you can just notion that we were built differently and there when we had explicitly human rights as part of our declaration I need another talk about tyranny and bloodshed and controlling us in we deserve the right we are endowed by our creator whoever that is and like come on
unalienable rights is threatening you all those happy rights have been talked about and then you come out of the womb or even ostensibly that Constitution holds up to us being test tube babies sorry to cut you off when I saw Syfy angle hear you’re coming into this world one way or the other but the Constitution is this document like they they they sat down and they said what form does labor union of a country this hotel lobby of a country that says no matter what happens when I try to use this as an excuse that the idea is that everyone in this country you call you as soon as you dry your first waking breath you are actually you have these rights are not given to you I know I sound like a sixth grade teacher but I just like we have we have forgotten that in our bones right like I’m literally on so continue
like maybe maybe white women I don’t I don’t know we’re working it out what are the masters of the unspoken exception like we didn’t know if we had the right it goes back to declare like if you were passionate at the framing the Constitution you would have to read it in black black people let’s let’s write about them for a while and you have to do it but you don’t have to do that when you’re you can just say all people are created equal and I’ll find out what I mean by that later but for now I mean Phil and his cousin Tony anyways sorry we’re now at coming to bear out of that’s why there’s amendments and that’s really big because we didn’t freaking Lie by the way we fucking mean this please turn right eventually fractured the country into cuz one group was like nah they definitely don’t have him right then the other group is like maybe they do I just a little bit just like maybe a handful
YouTube human I think actually after after quite a long time to be human being so we might need to just accept them as part of the country and they’re like what they can do that and then they decide to murder each other over it for about 4 years and it’s like we actually recognize that slavery is bad because it infringed upon human rights and they held up their end of the bargain until basically shortly after the basically until 64 and 1964 Republicans held on pretty well and the only thing that cracks the the black vote away from them was the new deal policies cuz they were like why you screwed up real money we might not be able to go for you again actually this guy my fer might have some solutions for us and we are okay with with splitting away from you they saw the black vote start to diverge and split into two
but the reason it didn’t go fully Democratic under FDR was because they had the dixiecrat Coalition the same people at the founding or like slave and the same people in 1865 were likely to kill Lincoln and continue trying to impose slavery and the people who terrorized black people in the Years between of Jim Crow those people were the same people who been arguing this entire time like no human rights are not actually fundamentals of this Republic they’re not they’re only for some people and we’re seeing that play out now
the Denny’s words that up to six months ago or just grown up words to me and continued about I don’t care about the fucking Medicaid Health Care of the ship these words their sound their more boring than the Central American countries president’s last name of Medicaid Medicare are the layers in your like Jesus fucking Christ you just think that cancer is punishable by More Death if you’re poor than if you’re rich which is fucking insane if you wrote it in the crawl of a sci-fi movie I said the people are divided between people that stink is it if you have a random thing happened to you while you are on American soil an American citizen if you have if you have a sickness which is just a part of life we believe that then your your life should just be shortened by your poverty and no one is having that I mean now every
having that conversation but we’re still not just watching watching Paul Ryan struggle through that power point that he made with like Kranz where he’s like he thought he was going to blow our minds I think because his mind had just recently been blown he was like let me break this down like I don’t know if you guys get it but basically what people are suggesting is that we could all these sick people did you know what happens when you get sick you can’t make money
there’s asteroids the poorest people in the world and the sickest this is a problem that solves itself that’s what he was yelling at us and everyone was like what the fuck don’t you understand about every step of society that all of us have ever learned since her mommy sat us down and said your roommate needs the rent check I’ll bail you out this time but get your shit together or you have to move back home and I make fun of you like every every every college kid gets it everywhere I don’t know what my question is
but I I just like so where do you stand this is an interesting segue into this so so I’m getting the impression that you’re probably not one to
where are you in all this like this this this treason Russia like like a soap opera I’m guessing your answers to the extent that it’s there’s evidence and rule of law let’s proceed forward but let’s not let it distract us from the occasional lobbying push forward I knew it because because when did you are our most sacred institution in fact it all up is that am I would say that because I mean nothing we’re like if you want to talk like there’s like four right of the body politic and people use it all the time like imagine voting is being your your spine like someone just went and fuss with your spine you want to be like we’re cool we’ll just chill like
my perception is the people are distracted first and foremost by there’s a Victory Parade they’re having which is not happy at all which is called we won get over it and they said that they perceive that they don’t even get to start going down the block before people are like pouring weird they think that people are cheating by going like Russia and they think that the biggest thing that they don’t understand the people that are still bothering till I go come on get over it where’s the evidence I’m tired of hearing this is that they think that at the end of this whole process Hillary Clinton gets to become president because they cheated like but you know they were going to find out that the extra votes in there like if you were to cheat in like a local election and they found out they would just nullify the election year
that’s how it works if not there’s no like complicated thing there but it depends on your my impression is that what were debating with them cuz it seems like to the extent maybe Spencer you can jump in ruv it seems like we’ve long since kind of dropped like maybe we’ll find out more but right now we’re sort of like not worried about the results of the election we saw them they they bombed us out and were surprising but at the same time like it’s fine and is the result of the constant effort on the part of a foreign hostile former superpower the most dangerous psychological post-internet fucking threat you can have what we’ve learned about Russia is the data they handle their satellite States. How they like they’ve just been like they’re both arms with all that shit is real and that doesn’t mean that if we prove collusion someone
gets to be president except for the fact that you can’t be present from prison but but even dumber than me about politics and are thinking stop trying to act like this election is not going to stick and I’m like it’s stuck now he goes to prison and that’s really hard to do impeachment yeah it’s it’s really hard we’ve never been a president in prison another thing is is that we’re kind of in a place right now that we were before the Civil War where like there is no real chance like the only thing that fix the Civil War was the Thirteenth Fourteenth and Fifteenth amendments to the Constitution like there was never any hey I don’t know if we just sit down and talk about whether or not it’s okay to leave the United States over slavery can we just split have to sit down have a conference and we’ll talk it out like we need to build a process in Sandy Lake
craziest thing you’ve ever done is to build a process to deal with the reality that an election was stolen at this level and if we don’t figure that process out weird
during the opening monologue I like him he’s so passionate in tandem with this guy Kaely real you wear like you’re right or your blogger you’re an activist like how are you going to help save the world’s like we you got to you got to help us in the what’s the next steps that we have to do because by the way in case you can’t tell if my solution is flyer out and let her talk and then I’ll just worship rare vote for you than my problems are solved anything can I get back to Mario Kart play like like like like that’s about it that is what your everyone is dealing with his both inside them and with any people that they choose to talk to is like man we all like it was working like I wake up everyday I think like a lot of people do was it would just kind of dopamine drip
we three we did it look like they’re all going to jail they’re not fucking going to jail for not going away then the neferet 6-6 years for Nixon he won two elections by a landslide and then had to find his own shame at the end of that story still that cascaded from your grandma and uncle and people at Thanksgiving not having Facebook to bolster them every morning with more and feta many fucking rage but in fact they had to come around it I think Nixon’s a dick sick of it that’s so sorry I told you you know what he’s tricky to I wish there was shorthanded or any of this but honey there’s no Facebook yet I’ve got it I’ve got three pigs are slaughtered before lunch I turn off the news and I don’t read a paper and I come back suming that Donald Trump has killed a kindergarten because it seems like he will one day and ended
I wouldn’t trouble there’s always some bullshit the new cycle nothing happens and we all think it’s going to be fixed but it’s not going to be fixed so we actually have to like Revolt at some point we have to take it to the streets let’s get back to this amendment makes three new amendments do you think it’s you think that they are you suggesting that maybe we take our lumps with Trump and let this cancer ride out knowing that we are bombarding it with the chemo of fucking holyshit what the fuck if we done it it’s going to make us sick but miss out but that if that stops the cancer of fascism that the thing we need to do is enough and environmental changes of of talking about election protection amendments like things that actually Federal eyes and centralized the election process and make it act proof
because I felt like the hacking was cultural in this case it was like Russia taking advantage of the fact that we’re all like so so what were you what do you think we need to change he’s not if you’re not thinking about an arrest I’m definitely thinking about both impeachment and arrest but we’ve never had a significant portion of our line of succession all remove simultaneously and of course if it has to be honest if he stole an election he’s not legitimately president if he still in the election Mike Pence’s not legitimately Vice President we don’t have any idea what’s going on with Paul Ryan but I strongly believe that he probably had some ideas since he used to hack c c c d Triple C emails against house candidates which means that he either didn’t know he was using stolen information from Russia or he knew and just didn’t care
that mean that blizzard that lizard face
but okay so yeah because that’s what we’re all thinking right now like we wake up that that fucking meeting where somebody somebody made the reference before I did I thought I’d be the oldest person on Twitter and go yeah Serrano’s got the disks which is a reference to midnight run in which the resolution is all Robert De Niro has to do is to get Crime Boss Tony Serrano to accept discs that it’s been established around here believes our fruit of The Pact election like like you know like like like like yes I do and it’s amazing that they are like going when you’re Russia everything you do is win win win win win there is not even one lose in there there’s no wrong move for Russia to make they can just email you and go

hey we’ve got naked pictures of Hillary Clinton hey I’ve got naked pictures of your mother to I’ve got naked big they can just send out whatever they want any meeting you take now they’ve got you for that they got that they can just end and then the further the relationship deepens the more stoked they get the longer they wait the more they offer up and you have to figure that combined with the collective IQ of the Trump team who never thought they were going to win like they’ve got to be in so fucking deep it’s insane so then we all wake up realize I’m the reason of path probably very likely Occam’s razor says these mother fuckers would like before they before they knew it was even possible to commit treason when all you want to do is just win the presidency they committed treason so long ago we’re going to find it out and then you just like what we’re all just sitting here going then what do we do
office for that or answer I kind of wish I could give one the answer I think we talked backstage it was about what you want to see so what do we want to see like like imagine like really imagine right now like the president of the United States has not been a legitimately elected none of his cabinet can take over for him not his vice president either we have no system whatsoever has ever had this happen so what do you what happened what do we it didn’t want to see because if you can’t figure out that next step would you like to we won the election we could we dance we have the money it’s not like we can’t afford to run a second election since the problem is Republicans have to put somebody knew what we do should we give them the opportunity
should we just claimed that it was a legitimate have in Salisbury that’s going to go well people will be very, you know so the problem is is that you need to know what you want to achieve first answer to start working backwards so what what can we do is citizens to make it easier to understand what that resulted look like and I honestly believe that we should declare the election illegitimate and Hillary Clinton should be president United States and I don’t just say that because I really like the voting for her but also because I mean in all honesty that’s what happens with virtually every other contacts if you’ve ever run will respond to my heated seat or do you actually totally stole that thing you don’t get your medals you don’t get to win the game you’re a reason the history books we remove things like that’s just how it’s always got its happens in local election
when am I allowed to make fun of Baron
what year what age does he have to be before we can go statute on that you were clearly cuz I’ve got so many tweets just backlogs
oh my God I can’t talk about it looks like many of the things that I want to see are felonies to say out loud into a microphone I’ve researched it
the one of them are may not be like I just can’t has Barons adulthood in general I like I can’t wait until he’s walking around endlessly entertained by Donald Trump jr. I think because I I just like he eats like his tweets like and with his Avatar with that hair and his face like I I just regress to a time in my in every cell in my body when I was absolutely the underdog I didn’t know that I would that I would find out 40 years later that you know he said that my view of things is limited to where I turn my head but when I knew I had righteous anger when I knew who the bad guys were and why I was a hero that fucking kid and I’m calling him a kid because his dad called him a kid which is part of the problem he’s my age she is a fuck it and he is such a villain he’s always been a villain and I love that he’s injured
fucking for front of everything it makes me so happy now I’m rooting for rooting for evil to have happened I’m rooting for him to disappoint his father I want I want I want I want one of the two of them mystically for federal officers listening I just I just want the whole thing to end in all of them in a Reservoir Dogs crossbow fight
where where a secret service like Commander whatever their highest ranking officials like has been locked out of the room like a firewall I can like than that life movie with it with Jay gills they are on the space station and the octopus monster starts with flow charts for 6 years because all you see is just they they all did it to themselves but just like there’s just crossbow bolts everywhere and freedom
a vacuum of freedom and then from then on the Oval Office is like this weird place were like well we couldn’t tear it down
but here’s where the tour gets even more interesting than it used to be but it was already the thing you were looking forward to going to have crossbows we just need to make it like a hemophiliac what the romanovs maybe they should all just died of some sort of weird and different and we use those that many generations
I thought that’s what I thought.
The one that hurted hurted so what about you personally as a person is part of us inspiring about you is you have that I don’t want to be your Joan of Arc stop treating me like something is going to solve all your problems by which makes me want to treat you like that. Just tell me what to do and tell me what you think and I’ll vote for you do you have political aspirations do you want to
why don’t you will never see my name on the ballot like not ever
not not good I get over there to say that like there’s a sideways like your citizen zero blog like we can we do quietly at why be a politician if we are the people like first things first is that I am not polite enough to be officials and especially when you grow up with them you seem like you’re going to be really nice to my local politicians and patient there people are going to ask you the stupidest shit you’ve ever heard in your life and you’re going to have to be like yes I understand your issue it is really terrible that the lines are that particular shade of yellow in in the two lines are that’s it’s so tough I understand we will I will definitely take that up at the next council meeting
yeah when you do that to your ear to your local people you’re just looking at them like by yourself
come to yell at me about the shade of yellow on our streets okay cool and then you go back to doing like real hard work and I don’t have any patience for that I would just be that person like come to me is that that’s what your that’s my time I only have so much time to live and you chose to spend five minutes talk to me about that that’s not okay there are people that would enjoy that job and would feel overpaid in the standard salary and correct me if you think I’m wrong but like it seems to me that our class of politicians from top to bottom has become an inversion of that demographic like we all went to high school with people that we remember and got like you know that person should have been an alderman that that person should have been the president like like I would enjoy Civil Service said they would enjoy like the the drudgery of it they like to be fair they don’t blow their stock when they talk to idiots and those people are
180 degrees like on a different Road they’re directed that way by I don’t want to say Hydra but it’s definitely there’s a problem at all comes back to the individuals definition of what it means to be an American citizen which we have been especially recently probably for my entire life we we feel like we got boring here and then there’s the immigration thing in the whole like Melting Pot thing and we learn that in high school and Schoolhouse Rock videos of gaining citizenship and that meaning like you just have like a card that says you can participate in but like what it actually means to be a citizen of a Democratic Republic and and end so I don’t have to put you on the spot as much as I want to gain some clarity in my life what do I do differently we have we have people up
and I asked all the time so what do I do we’ve also we’ve all heard you got to call your someone so you got to do this and that I I I don’t yes it should be it should be working we should want to figure it out but is there is there a way to like get a better map of it like how much of my day is given over to being a citizen if I’m an active participant in that role say things I want to say is that I’m hoping to build a system if you guys go to Citizen zero project.org square.com I’ve owned both so if you go there I actually have a project that I’m working on which would be an online web portal I really want to build this we’re basically people could log in and find out like all the things that their elected officials have been doing and you get updates like every week every two weeks or every month depending on when you want to see it
and you’d be able to like build a report card so it would like summarize a lot of the stuff that you do and don’t agree with your elected officials about yourself and I do it and I spend way too much time doing it and it’s really exhausting on the basic citizenship scale and like the national scale I should say that you should probably be on top of at least one issue really care about at least one it doesn’t have to be like very fancy or anything like that you just be like wow this stagnant pools of water is gross if you’re aware or something like that in your neighborhood I know it’s a really small and stupid but like that’s the thing they care about that mosquitoes in my hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, no limit
that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes would like to my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like ever you’re always in good hands adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platform
now I’m going to definitely the person in me that’s both nice and that wants to just get back to Mario Kart it’s just that’s a dangerous combination of agreement because both of them say don’t because you’re going to call you a congressperson about stagnant pools of mosquitoes in your going to be an idiot and you’re someone’s going to answer that you’re going to feel dumb and just empowered all day you’re going to get on a phone tree and all the stuff that there’s a there’s a first step then it’s like I don’t know who to call I don’t get to it an Alderman and the Ombudsman stroller that’s why I said I want to put you on the spot cuz I want to make I want to make Humanity’s tendency to be a robotic coward your fault and problem to solve but the closer we could get to like actually here’s how you do a layup or whatever so that if you want to expand on it
make your own style that’s a great but I’ve only speaking for myself that’s how I feel about it is being in gym class on the coach says it’s great it’s a layup it’s like the most common thing and basketball that you just do this and do that and then you go like that and I’m like I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about slow down what foot goes where first put cutouts on the floor if you really care about me ever caring about the sport you’ll like come in my bedroom window the way video games do and say just push this button and unlike do we say fuck you if you can’t be a man
say that the easiest thing to do is just find find an issue a lot of it’s easy when the level, change is a big one and neutrality Congress person to go hi my name is so-and-so I but you know I’m concerned about net neutrality don’t start with a Collie or congressperson unless you know what you’re going to say before you pick up the phone and all honesty that’s why you feel disempowered is cuz you started on the phone with that are Representatives like a person and you’re like cuz feelings I have so many feelings because I will confer I mean if you want John Oliver then you kind of know what to say what about the people what about the people that don’t that feel like I’m doing this like
forgot to be people who are more scared than I have of getting on the phone and having who answers and what do you like I like you you say like know what you want but you grew up around politics like it is possible you see more of the Fishbowl than I do make the action go outside yourself to figure out like literally spend some time I would say like an hour a week maybe an hour to just sitting around and being like okay what is about this issue like he’s talked about it who’s an expert in this issue that I care about you you should be reading up on as much stuff about where it comes from what the term means you should at least know the basics of that term in it really just takes like that it’s like an hour week I just ended when you’re ready you can take a whole month if you want to I hold for hours and then once you look at something for 4 hours and you can say like do I want to call my congressman over this like Frizzle yields
just by checking up on that issue for 4 hours like okay this is who’s responsible like you’ll learn like okay we need to talk to Federal people cuz you’ll see in their research this is a federal issue it’s definitely not something for my state legislator check on something like climate change and find out where California is going to be your state I’m going to be a fun thing about this is you can’t drive because I’m live I’m a manifestation of my own fear in this exercise I’m the person of the other end of the phone you be you you’re a citizen you’re activated about an issue you don’t have to tell me what it is I’m answering the phone at the House of Representative level for your District
all right are you going to make this ringing sound effect or should I
good afternoon, just been since Panama’s office and I’m really interested in our roads and bridges an appointment to speak and say that my First Amendment right does open anytime okay bye thanks for calling
so that doesn’t happen right that’s my fear that is for my first beer
and it’s a healthy exercise like that doesn’t happen
it doesn’t happen because it happened when I need my teeth fixed in that was like
I don’t know or maybe just only happens in my fucking head like like like like I like my new my driver’s license renewed but that doesn’t happen in general when the when they are just curious on the phone they find out that that person was actually really important and now they’ve got like a donor whose going to be like my sister called and you treat her like I just lost million dollars thank you that’s what happens actually in the tickets at least that far and then we can move forward from there so I’ll do what you did I think I have but I’ll probably offend you by trying that means you have to do the ring sound without you
I should already be on the phone then
that you called her hi this is
how can I help you yes I’m very concerned if I can hold on a second.
I forgot what I was concerned about David
hi I’m concerned about roads and bridges
what specific rotor bridge where you worried about I mean we pick our federal Bridges and stuff
all I all I know is that I I drive over the 3rd Street Bridge every day and it seems to be getting worse and worse I’ve been taking a trip for 30 years and I keep reading these things in the paper about you no funding and stuff and I just feel like there’s so many potholes in the field I just like the other things about infrastructure and other parts of the country I don’t want to be one of those cities where the people don’t say hey I want my bridge reversible so I called
so let me take a look at my voice that I would I would I would bite on the anti Minnesotan
I totally did and so what I’m going to do is I’m going to take on your concern I’m going to Route it to the appropriate offices to talk to our legislative aide on infrastructure like the run-around what are you doing to me hear this is I don’t know what is is meat can I call back later and every time I have a bridge concern if I call back everyday like do I have to change my voice to be taken seriously or or an if I’m if I continue to be concerned about the bridge every time you answer the phone will you eventually file a restraining order against me Congress can file restraining orders against are you a member of Congress not me to call me every day to be working there for a while we rotate like it’s not just me on the phone when I hang out with me cuz I might play
element to get going so I can’t just do it by myself around concern is noted
and we know when it came in and then we can talk about cuz we’re having
you ain’t you having a meeting meeting on your congressman
I got to write down a meeting I pay your rent get me a notepad
motherfuker I said there’s a meeting I like to purchase a phone down but then I’m not going to do it and it’ll be trivializing but I’m just saying like as a writer I’m saying that you hear fuckedupshit by like you hear like the dogs barking and then you here like somebody like whimpering and like going well I am I doing this why are they doing that
I’m going to hang up I’m going to hang up and become myself I got this isn’t fair it anyway
whatever that means my face in my face instead of you getting the food it’s the title of the Indie movie that will be made about your experience if you’re lucky
that’s what they like that it was very nice and I thought I thought I thought like it was like a rear window thing or you’re like oh my God there’s a murder but anyways good to say if if you do and if there’s a million apps and it’s a Google away like this idea of calling your congressperson there’s there’s pretty much no chance of having an experience that you have if you were to call Fry’s Electronics or the DMV or your own dentist like like eight people on the other end of the phone are like like they’re they’re passionate about politics their job is to pick up that phone
going to get through it it’s okay to maybe even kind of only like maybe be figuring out what the fuck your problem is like a little bit right not using it as a therapy session but at the same time I think the thing that keeps me in line is his fear of I’m just going to feel stupid
we got to get through the line cuz a lot of the time it’s like a big legislative calls from like a billion called at once so like the line might get jammed experience existential fear while you’re on the whole line is kind of comforting those something happens that you’re watching CNN in your your internet thing in your like I’m alarmed about this and you pick up the phone when it’s busy you can draw comfort from that right like when there’s a blackout or like the internet’s out in like you call Time Warner and it’s like your call will be answered in 17 hours and then there’s an added at it in there if you’re calling about the fucking internet outage it’s been dealing with it like that would be nice to spend a lot of other people have the exact same idea that you did when that’s always nice to know that I mean I think one of the reasons file taxes so hard is because we all feel like a little bit like an island and you you’re like oh I’m having all these thoughts are on
feelings about politics and I want to get involved that is like it feels like it’s super intimidating like it’s so hard to do that first thing and you either want to go to the meeting and eat you’re afraid that you’ll be stupid and like the truth is that we’re all stupid stupid like I got called an activist I’m not I haven’t been to like one of a political club meeting now in like a year cuz I’m like the laziest person was during the campaign and I did some phone banking but I did it like a lady’s way possible for my cell phone using the site cuz like Hillary created a site and they said you could just randomly phone call people from like all these different calls I’d like this is perfect for me I’m the laziest person in the world I work the floor below her campaign office I literally landed
we did not go inside of it you’re saying if you work a little harder hello to be an office right now
we landed at LAX in the middle of the LAX like when they travel ban whenever we like landed there came out of first class we had our luggage Jeff had his suit over his shoulder at around like I don’t understand why we hung out there and then for the next 3 weeks I wouldn’t shut up about our responsibilities and I want to shoot it for changing what time is it I think they were being very classy and like didn’t want to shout 911 like they always do at 9:11 and that’s that’s very nice I think we’re very disappointed in the Kayla you think you’re lazy for not making phone calls more for these people didn’t shut out 911 we’re going to make sure there’s an action item or something just for people
you’re interested still have more questions all that stuff I obviously we’ve set your Twitter name which is Gotham girl blue in citizens project project that’s it is at the Twitter handle or I literally just upgraded it with all the stuff that the nonprofit that I’m working on is going to do I can’t take donations yet hoping to do so as of August 1st is there a literal project that I’m working on creating discussion groups and training other people to leave them whether that is creating an online portal and the apps that way you can do more passive citizenship and you’ll have to actually collect all that news by yourself cuz it sucks or what and I was craving a date curriculum cuz I’m working on getting kids understand their citizens so that way you build a habits early and then you don’t have to worry about doing it as an adult so you’re already been doing it
where is everybody
look her up and she’ll be back and will continue to maybe we can help you in Los Angeles will be like sister cities
the show will make no sense to you but you but you can go watch it with Ronald unless you’ve been listening to the stage
leaving in the house
started to steal even
Steve Levy
doing lines off another guy’s weiner
everybody was telling me a fascinating story Churchill tell me a fascinating story backstage and I just personal stuff
in a in a more primitive society that would be a huge like like you came on stage until we should I can’t talk about I don’t I don’t want to I don’t want to cause no trouble yeah it’s not a forum to disclose anyone
it’s honestly I don’t know what’s going on. I think I think the most important thing I learned is that it is that membrane I’m bad on the phone man like I tell people to call their Congress people at the drop of a fucking hat and I stand before you naked and trembling at the prospect we are going on a lot of phone calls together and I got to say some of them you really great others not so great what is the difference do you think
how much attention you’re paying and how much you actually care about what we’re talking about maybe break so a bad phone call when I’m which like everybody wants something from me and I don’t know why I’m on the, I don’t know sometimes you turn those around and it’s like your hero but other you know I can’t I want to make you name examples so bad but it will only hurt me and you just have this luxury you’re like Varys in Game of Thrones I don’t know who that is
look it up at school
I’m so hungry
so for those of you just joining us tonight we now play a game called Pathfinder which is kind of like this is Greg laptop did you did you have any thoughts about what we haven’t checked in with you politically I mean I know you and I both feel like the world’s probably ending know yeah you’re still getting your ham radio license so that we can man it’s going great it seems like it’s really hard though I could see why they don’t want everyone just willy-nilly on a Friday it’s only about a ham radio is that where you are you doing are you building a radio on a Friday I’m building a radio on Friday alright
and it’s going to be the biggest radio ever seen on the West Coast
it’s your new hobby lying I’m working on Mi Improv
I usually ended it
I know I did this podcast I did this podcast CB radio I did this podcast on Saturday and I really I really just feel like a shit the bed so like I just just want to die it’s just a man inside just feeling the worst really yeah and everyone should download it and not listening so I don’t think so it really performed really well but then don’t listen to it cuz otherwise you won’t even be able to be honest about you know what are you most embarrassed about I just I feel like I’m like if there were a race of talking I would lose like I would be like a fat person at talking
like like you talk a lot you know I do but I don’t have the results you calling him fat Gladwell without 10,000 hours it’s like you have a lot of practice at talking but I feel like I probably just don’t talk very much and I’m bad at it as a result of it that way I’m just saying what thank you so much see what matter what was it
thank you that’s so nice that’s definitely a soothing voice like that’s just but I just I don’t know I couldn’t make sense of this bad is bad news I don’t even want to talk to give a chance for Redemption right now because now is your chance to talk as you recap our last episode of Pathfinder DND
that’s okay I wanted to help him with his I feel like I’m about a taco
you talking
forreston upon me in a row I’m in the middle of something I was worried about
that’s one joke acupuncture why do you mean what are you finishing the task quite right there
I know where was this the only four and a half minutes away from a set
you got what you got that one in 92 it was a nap
he wants to put a pin in your tips I mean who doesn’t these days
well it’s it’s fine I just wanted to express that because you know it might come out on the internet sometimes that I was on a podcast and I don’t want anyone to listen to it but I do want them tonight when I admire about you and I think a lot of our audience would agree with me is that when you talk it’s at you call your shots and it’s usually very accurate I was mad I agree with that it’s General Sense on my best times but I was off my game it’s like he knows just sometimes you know I was just bad but now I’m just I’m just sitting I want to I want on Kumail in Emily’s broadcast once and I was so fucking happy because the only want to do is talk about video games cuz it’s a-hole podcast was about oh yeah excited just talk about video games and watch out of there so happy and then like I read two tweets pray that was fine that was fine like it was the two guys were like don’t let harm and explain computer science ever again he doesn’t get it
that’s not was at like he try to illegally guy always act like wrong about shit I feel awful I want to go to a cave and like eat my own leg
it’s not that I don’t like eating doesn’t solve all your problems on your own body into poop viewed lose weight you can put your own leg and then but a smart person would say yes but you just cut your ability to exercise in half
and you’re going to regret that you’re going to be sitting there and you going to be eating you’re not going to be able to eat much anymore and you’re going to slowly die
so what I’m saying to you is I get it just to keep hanging out with me and you’ll always be always look better last time on Harmon time what happened you guys had just finished the fight and you beat the ghost do you beat the demon free The Ghost and it took you to the graveyard you discovered that in place of Archer Fells the corpse was the corpse of a rotting dog whose fucked up and then you left you went to Dairy Hill and met with Rhonda who took you but to meet the other farmer my nail because it seemed that the farmers we’re dealing with some ripped murdered cows and then you being weird
Wildwood diarrhea Junior unleash the snacks and it seemed to be winning them over and that’s where we left it in Manila farmhouse
yeah terrible showing was much better than anything I did would have been largely our fault no I’m saying that if you called that good what I did on that podcast was bad you’re making me do is want to listen to this podcast more than I would have already out the shower like you’re trying to like I just wanted I just want people to go well at least he at least he knew that’s what propels me at least I knew shoot me through a whole eye self-inflicted you missed again they never get it

myself there an hour ago you fucking played
how do I do that with menu and then I’ll I’ll get it up today in life
you know what DJ you’re alright then he starts taking the snacks out of your hands
you like that are enjoying the snacks Donovan a lot cooler than that guy fell Tom he’s a real piece of shit you know his his cows they suck all he did you know he’s a bad farmer all the farm crops he was doing he was just trying to feed his cows with them put all your eggs in one basket that’s how it happened after he let his son get killed or I’ll go one step further I’ll say I wish that someone would go to his house light his house on fire maybe put it out maybe throw his wife. Jonathan Jonathan were one step ahead of you is always what are you talking about go knock on the front door you can’t it’s on fire in his front room right now this is what democracy looks like you have a vision of light the world should look like when you’re living in it and we already did it
we’re good Representatives at your of your church right so why don’t you reward us with some good old-fashioned information
okay what’s get down to business and hang out talk about what a piece of shit Tom fella is and what the hell’s going on in this why why the evil is coming to town that I can who is the blame where it where can we track down the evil like as it’s happening I don’t know man I’m sitting on a couple of cow corpses if you want to check them out right he he turns around and eat he he pulls a sheet off of 2 Cal corpses in his main room furniture something at first how long have they been dead for this one’s been dead for three days this one’s been dead for a week just checked on the couch I do have a sheet over them so they’re not.
truth that you downplayed the cattle mutilation when we came to see you well you know did you drag the corpses in here really murdered in this room while Rhonda help me but no they were true I would have seen who done it no I’m just you know I’m fired up about that son of a bitch Tom and that’s what you came in talking about the you know
it’s how we got into your good graces but initially there was like a kind of a force field around the top of them cattle mutilation yeah it was because I was so angry that you think Tom felt murdered your cows I don’t know you’d have to be some sort of monster to be able to pull that out not out at this time in this class of society is also the equivalent of being doctors
could we check out your mutilated cows we put the sheet back over the cows and they pulled the sheet off again and I reiterate you’re saying that when you pull the sheet off of the invitation to explore is implicit yeah that was just funning with you I wasn’t doing that what other thing
don’t complain sorry I’ve been drinking
I’m assuming might my spell of handle animal won’t work on dead cows probably right no no no judge of nature on the cows just easier with your bonus they’re still alive I use handle animal and I tried and I tried to convene with the animal to communicate with this animal find out what happened it won’t move I have this I have this I have this stabilize Loadout yes load out one General stabilize I have a spell
cause I died at creature to stabilize don’t panic panic
you cast it and it doesn’t affect it almost as if it’s dead and not alive what he said it was alive oh yeah
is it my teacher is not my turn them or is it I’ll just do the one
I use are you heal on the animal it doesn’t work shifts for dust on the animal It’s A coping mechanism when I fucked up I I pretend like I know what I’m doing and I do
I also sharpen a pencil why do what I do things that make it look like I know when the cows open wounds yeah look how it looks like it has these big like like like slash marks you know like from a big creature can I use my magnifying lens to look closer at the wounds
Undead cow was clearly dead and alive but not alive was it you said it was wanting to like yeah I did say that so Undead well with Jeff looked at it he thought it was alive
oh he’s cuz I rolled that low
so I’m just an idiot to open up a restaurant or a big kind of big claws big five five claws you know like a claw
looks like a monster of some kind murdered these cows monster of some kind never studied knowledge
say the word knowledge knowledge history knowledge nobility in case the werewolf attack of the cow is of Duke knowledge planes it cuz it’s happening on a plane knowledge religion I mean I’m running through the Gambit and I have really nothing at all of them they’re just checked off cuz I’m a cleric you don’t have any of this I mean it to religion is 2 okay
how is Mormon but that’s fantastic it just seems like it seems like some sort of Otherworldly creature you know you can’t really see what you don’t know what it is like whether it’s like a werewolf or like a demon or whatever you don’t know what it is but it’s definitely some sort of big monster rather than like a a natural Beast us a monster killed both of these cows and one was 7 days ago and was three days ago right looks like there’s a monster roaming the land it is 7 to 3 every four days because this was three days ago in the next day maybe another cow will be murdered it actually was happening like once every month or so but then you know these past two of been like
every two weeks and then more than once a week and so they decide what if we dress up like these that callous and go out in the fields and went like weight for a three or four days was three days, three days yeah we’re a small town There’s only about 10 Capital One of these cows and then we wear it and pretend that were a cow in a field do we have your permission to use your otherwise wasted Cows as costumes
I don’t know I mean you’re going to have to buy them off me cuz like you know I could still use this meat is murder. Oh yeah we should go over there actually what he doesn’t deserve any money you know how I felt work no no we wouldn’t it look there’s some options we have right we could we could steal a cab from Tom and bring it back here or we could pay him for a live cow and bring it back to your bottom bottom is
Kratom is hoping to solve the problem that keeps killing everyone’s cows might give a no-bid contract to Tom felt that you were fixing your ear your account make sure that you’re the only two ranches in town no okay will give you one gold piece for each of these camps like this good church of the silver flame
I am and how lean into it okay we can barter we get to stick some stuff for the cows yeah fix the camps best price for the cows where do we want to take your tax how many that’s what happens at the end of how to get a dead cow and then you sell pieces of her money that’s part of being a farmer
I conjure a flame in my hand
I just hold the flame
all right do you have a Charisma or intimidate you better believe it
I’m 13 Charisma and intimidate intimidate
nope I’m in my hand I mean look I’m a gnome and I’m short but I do know holding a fireball in his hand Gary cook these cows right now and he’s like well man I don’t want any trouble I mean that was just you can’t I mean just that, your friend I’m trying to make a living I just would have been my way Monday offer
you finish removing all of meat and usable things from the cow and just give us the cow skins the hides after you’re done alright well thanks a lot cheaper but you got to do you know whether they got to do it right to rush order no not leather like we want to look like cows I was only two here right so we got to go dragging to go over to Tom if we find out that he moves faster than you were going to start taking work away from you run that by me again
you’re a freelance contractor like our agreement with you is that to the extent that we continue to need cowhide to look like cows in a costume for designing
Banda MS
where are there help you or we help Tom fell
bucket boys this guy doesn’t want to give us a 3
hides that look like house and punched his child prices are crazy because he
phone is possessed by a ghost
that’s what I heard
what’s happening they’re walking out the door all right great you’re losing our business to the NFL will you guys haven’t offered any price there’s no business that I’m not I mean either way I’ll give you I’ll give you two gold pieces for account
I’ll keep the receipts we go back to the church I’ll get reimbursed for that I’ll be down to two gold pieces of gold for dead cow alright let’s do it right now everything but the cow outside okay dress Carlos and Chad in the cows make them look like cows and I will take me 2 hours let’s just go hang out with your way my produced and I cook up some of that meat here but your night I make a little barbecue
all right you do that remember how we were starving cuz we haven’t eaten all day sure yeah so now I got some ribs
this is good as
makes up for you telling the price and then
are they dressed like cows eating hamburger no no
so who are waiting that you out there
alright costumes they’re done
there’s two cows size costumes
I mean I’m too small or too small to has the best like ranged ft range with my bow are you good with a bow yeah I’ll make sure I’m going here it’s like a religion happen is I’ll look I’ll do the cow look like a cow with you but when if this creature comes when it comes Jeff should light a ring of fire and entrap it in our little ring so we could square off with it and I can light this monster up with fire okay so you’re going to stay back and watch over the printer I’m going to hide in a haystack nearby you guys going to look like
regular workday cows a day we’re going to see two cast members about and go out Easy Pickins what time is it in the day it’s been 2 hours so it’s like 1 a.m. 1 p.m.
what were well fed you guys go get it and put your trust in my let’s work on your account movements yeah let’s practice the more we learn to act like the way that you move use it cuz this thing come at night moves moves like cows are in the backyard does it feel like it’s working who’s watching
I’m watching you have more bovine or bovine do they move one back foot and one front foot at the same time is it like
although I think it’s constipated I think I think they go like exactly 114 down the front one fourth of the back of the eye the whole point of yeah yeah yeah
I can’t tell if I lay down like I don’t like a naked farmer so you guys can suck my dick and kiss my egg kiss me on the face that’s a that’s a call back to another episode
thanks for coming out tonight if it’s your first time here and I’m convinced if I were a cow eating monster I would be all over you guys who it was that I’m making my tail move
I think that’s convincing right you guys feel like you’re doing all right
all right so that took like an hour now it’s a waiting game to attack make sure that beneath your cowhide uniforms that you guys have your weapons ready to rock all right let’s just take a quick inventory are we are we are we doing everything right like to see a larger are we focused on the right priorities and we did get sidetracked by what could be called like a distraction like I don’t know it’s in the grass okay
I can hide and I’m making I’m making a ring of like an open like kind of open little ring of hay. I can light on fire that maybe we can plan we we can lower the monster into that and then you guys could jump over an amendment maybe I could use a trap and I’m going to have a fire Lancaster fireballs and spend like that don’t eat the Ring of head
is putting on out there for a reason and we stopped off and we harassed a local and then we went to the church and then the church we had a we had an uncomfortable conversation with certain figure out what’s going on with him as we went back to the first people and just we we did the ghost in the cemetery letters to a dog a dog with the place of their dead daughter we talked to a farmer that was just standing there a story which of the watch lady that would let us to the other farmer who said his kids but in a town I would say something that’s killing two of the people’s, we discovered there’s a creature out there yet figure this out if we can solve this
and then we’re going to Parlay that into political and spiritual leverage that we used to start turning this town around
I sit down and wait it out and I go into it as a druidic meditation to the conjure up powerful spells okay you go into it I want to do a defensive load out of spells if we’re going to actually chill with you spell offensively Load-Out and it has for the for the kids out there and it’s includes the Spells guidance which is just starting something I can just put on somebody that gives them a extra accuracy or something oh yeah you might stabilize again you’ve heard all about that virtue signalling which allows the turns one cock into
a beta and when is a virtue summon monster and divine favor summon monster is hair-trigger can’t wait to do that who cares what is fine I’m not trying to give you guys where is this going to go down in which form which area the McDaniel farm would be and then put a circle of hey can I hide a hide among the haystack yes you are dressed as cow in California being pretty pretty life like, the grass I heard ya
what what anything else is that anything else you guys are going to do
we got our loadouts we can learn something
I know it’s zero of that song that’s like is all frog DNA and is there anything I could do to kind of summon these demons like my kind of like bring them out into the into play no I mean either way I’m dressed all right we’re going to wait this out you guys so what are your guys’s HP just to be clear, I haven’t been injured recently right so I’m 15 have we been healed that the thing you guys got in a fight with you guys are a nation I can let me heal you get buried I need ceiling
healing the burst of last Channel energy deals and pretend nice thank you so very Flame
protect-all moo Al’s on the first day
you hear something it’s the barest slightest of Wrestling coming from
the north
coming from nowhere
I heard we got we got we got we got Bogies in The Wire going to resting position start eating some of that grass
and nighttime
and would cows weed and grass a nighttime well
I just factors into your disguise roll
is that the horses make that sound
all right my I can hear my heart pounding in my throat I’m so are you I’m scared cuz my role is to get like pounced upon I don’t know when the right time to go see what I’m about to do the wrestling stops is if the thing froze right it’s like it’s being cautious and then you hear it take a couple couple cautious steps forward but it’s still it’s still nowhere near you it still at least thirty feet away from your house
I’m making my tail move back and forth a little bit very clever at the Moon
okay alright alright I can do it if I can do it wait for it what are you going to be there and I wait I take some steps North and continue moving words now
that’s like being being weird it out by you guys
I died falling off my Comcast remote As I and I cast the light I cast a light spout
wait where do you can still just on you on my hand and I’m just like what the heck yeah immediately you illuminate your your surroundings in the kind of there’s kind of a glare as your eyes quickly adjust and you can see an outline kind of on the edge of the farm it’s it’s too far away to be kind of caught by your by your what it called like cuz it’s pretty far away in the light doesn’t go super far but it looks like it’s a it’s a robed figure and it leaps up into the air and flies away
I fucking said wait for it it’s going towards the church building blue it’s a flying creature to find dude it’s a figure yeah but who knows what’s under that hood
Steve Levy everybody
take me to Caitlin birds are coming up here and being tremendously awesome everybody here
Christopher gets her here comes another Jeff David your name is Dan Harmon thank you so much dry fast makes message dressed like cows
Wake Forest
are you it’s for starburns Industries type of the month club 12 original each month of auditory the lights made by some of the most funky and creative artists around featuring Dynasty handbag Lance bangs DJ douggpound open mike Eagle And subscribe now $13 get you a crisp unique tape in the mail each month for $20 you receive a portable cassette player so you can listen to your tapes on the go here’s how to order for credit card customers please call 747-888-0945 that’s 747-888-0945 or Saints
log on to the World Wide Web at d. R i p s p i p r e s s a good deal
hello I’m Kyler’s I’m the host of never seen it the podcast were comedians rewrite famous movies and TV shows they’ve never seen and then we give them a reed in studio this is a clip I want to play for you guys from episode where Langston Kerman rewrites Scarface he’s never seen it but he wrote a script based on what he thinks he knows about it and here’s a clip give it a listen alright Scarface the New Frontier interior happening discotheque remember when we called clubs discotheque LOL the seventies were crazy night the crowd bustles with young hot Mexicans who are supposed to be Cuban and all are dressed and Butterfly collared shirts and pants that look like jinco jeans and pleated khakis at a really weird baby there sex in the air in Papi wants a whip
Scarface 22 245 devilishly handsome not even a little bit of Italian looking so get that out of your dumb braids walk through the crowd with a confidence of a man who’s going on MTV Cribs with the Ying Yang Twins what does he actually have a scar on his face fuck know why would he even why would you even ask that that’s not important what’s important is that he is not at all a problematic stereotype and that he has come for his cocaine as he approaches the red rope of the VIP pronounce de a pee in Spanish
dispatches dear friend who is almost certainly going to become his Enemy by the end of the film smoothskin Scarface yells out his signature line Cafe


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