Episode: 269 – Dan Rates Every Animal


Episode: 269 – Dan Rates Every Animal


Dan, Jeff and Spencer dig deep into genitals of unusual size, bats, giraffes, dolphins and Paul Newman. Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis, Spencer Crittenden, and Steve Levy.


what’s up Hermantown from beautiful Uptown Burbank Hermantown is now in session
let’s bring up the man the game Master Spencer Crittenden everybody
and the mayor of Hermantown
Dan Harmon
doubt doubt doubt doubt doubt doubt
my feet are cold my mama is old still went to bed with her yesterday Yelp fucked her what am I I don’t even have lost already look at my own mom your ear hurts not even in it I thought I misheard you but yeah
I think of History whose mom would you fuck
alright yours
yo Ben Franklin’s mom
was out on the lawn when he was flying his kite but I’ve brought her indoors I said who needs electricity when we’re fucking I don’t know that I just said it doesn’t really you you’re the target yo mrs. Whistler why are you talking to me so hard only one famous mother ever all right we’re not going to the only thing worse than a low-energy show is a is a forced resistance to a low-energy name another famous mother mrs. Doubtfire
the original Mississippi from Happy Days in Happy Days hit the beat Dan don’t fight me on this
I’m mrs. Cunningham Cunningham what time mrs. Cunningham
mrs. Cunningham I make a stunning ham for Thanksgiving and make more than that I’m always in the kitchen with a clit the size of a bat
it might make a roll up there might be a penis I might have a dick
are you saying that Marion Ross has a quick the size of a man that knows the character the character thank you
better as a suggestion, Tori. Problematic where I’m at this energy level we don’t want me to do tricks because then I’m going to end up like I’ll be tired resistance the whole point of the genre is to break boundaries I know but inflammatory I know that’s what you said before I play the Chevy Chase voicemail that just that didn’t help anyone until what I said before here
going to plug back then come on so anyways there’s no show to do I was thinking we might play D&D for like 2 hours tonight do it I’m just not feeling you’re part of it is the video game brain like I was playing having a good time at home I played video games I played Star Wars Battlefront oh yeah I was thinking about I was so good man reminds me of what was the name you’re probably too young even remember that yeah there was an original there was like a game that was I think with dark Forces where you’re like a dude that’s like a Jedi you’re not Luke Skywalker but you’re just like this dude that’s a Jedi and there’s like
say what how could turn this the character name of the dude that shity video excuse me video footage of like $300 to be covered and Prosthetics against green screens and come out in like the cutscenes Rawls video that was a special arrow in gaming but it was a really good game because it was like it it would I think that was like the first time you ever got to like in a first-person shooter from lucasfilm you were like using a lightsaber and you like leveling up these Force Powers so this game is done it’s not it’s not that focuses on the first third of it or something like but you’re like this woman who’s a special forces Stormtrooper it’s really cool it’s just a game plays like a really nice balance of like you can just dick
and unlike jumping fucking shoot and like its it just splits the perfect difference between like games where it like Wolfenstein 2 like I’m 44 so I just opened Wolfenstein 2 and I was like I played a couple levels and I’m like this is cool but it’s not I’m never going to enjoy this game because it’s just going to be like running and gunning and I’m never going to be good and I’m always going to be bummed out and and anxious but and then there’s the other side of the spectrum there’s like games that are so role-play that you’re just like walking around having conversations with people and you can I get bored but like right in the middle there it’s really nice really good gameplay just like I like those I like those shooters were like yeah you touch the left trigger and it if you’re close enough to the person’s head at like Zooms in on their head and it has an appropriate time in our nation’s history to malletts great
1 days from a mass shooting in the shootings will happen but anyways it’s a really good game Battlefront Battlefront 2 I recommend it I’m at 5 I’m planning on my Xbox I don’t know if what it’s what it’s all on and then and then another game that has that’s why I stayed up all night playing that and then the game that I played all day today was portal Knights have you heard of Portal Knights know it’s like it’s like somebody looked at Minecraft and thought this isn’t a Portal Student comfy enough like it’s very it’s like a very like polished like Adventure erpg kind of Minecraft thing oh yeah I got second in pretty hard because I had a good time playing video games today I’m not something your brain like a fucks up your alpha waves or something
you’re not up yet you never play video games like that but that I know it just loves you love Battlefront Battlefront Battlefront Star Wars games when they’re done right there’s a bunch of really good ones so cool just having the John Williams score playing while you’re playing a shooter and especially if it’s like a good enough game at it like, it is in and out the music to like it likes it you know like when you add grow a stormtrooper at Lorenz into a little and then you finish shooting all the Stormtroopers in the area and it kind of just like very gracefully goes into this like more wistful
if you don’t have any plans have been playing chess with friends I’ve been seeing some of your moves Chess With Friends saw me sitting there playing chess with somebody else like on my phone and he’s a harmontown fan His Name Escapes me his name is something like caps laparoscopy and my beat that mother fucker it died I was playing that for a little bit but it just takes so long I really fast but like I don’t I don’t want to have to play like a chess with somebody I would need to take to be a zero-sum speed test
even if I could remember how how long will horses move like which I can’t I would have to have it be speed chess and I would always lose but I would at least need the excuse to like make a move because my understanding of Chess is like it will theoretically you could sit there forever like so why wouldn’t you like I just freaks me out by player from the drawing room and so I can tell when somebody is drunk when their plane because they miss people should move and they also know when I’m drunk and I’ve made it bulshit move and sometimes I go I want to win this one I’m going to go to sleep and I would play them in the morning and it’s improving my brain
damn I mean a note of anything at all
make my contentment and also my kind of like you know it’s part contentment and part like I just don’t like the world anymore I don’t trust people I don’t I don’t have faith in humanity anymore so I can adjust
I’ll see if I did bother to write anything down throughout the week I can I can feel the subscriptions dropping which is fine that’s that’s that’s democracy
when you said mr. C’s was the size of a bat will you talking about baseball bat like Louisville Slugger or yeah. I like I stick a big long stick
that’s pretty big
let’s say you were on a date with mrs. Cunningham and you listen up her skirt and you saw her clip would you rather it be the size of a baseball bat for it would do you want to look exactly like I like a vampire by do I don’t want I mean I don’t I don’t I don’t know if I go over well I don’t I don’t want I don’t want if you’re a woman listener subscriber and you have an enlarged clitoris I don’t want you I’m not. You should feel good about yourself I have all kinds of things about my body that I took the key you can take her leave but you’re asking me the question I don’t I don’t want a giant so I don’t want to Clara’s it’s bigger than my penis on a woman let’s just do it at like like I really look like a badass like a fruit bat or a vampire bat like it looks like a Batman I mean that would be crazy that would be that would be distracting and crazy
giving it a try something you you got to pick on you trying to help the show but I’m trying to ask a journalist a question then. I think a lot of people want to know the answer to what’s Dan Harmon feel about baseball bat Clips or fruit bat Clips on both counts just you know what is politically unfashionable as it is right now I’ll just go ahead and say it because of me ask the question anomalous clitoris high hopes for this one
help me out right about now
it’s time for anomalous clitoris bring him to the stage hello
glitter is some kind of rapper the truth and anomalous clitoris is not where you been and if you don’t like things that are new that you need to step aside because the world is getting smaller in the clitoris is getting wide anomalous a clitoris clitoris that you can predict but that’s why the price of this is
thank you
I just felt like a novel is clitoris is a good 2018 rap name
I still can’t find Balderdash cards I was looking for weeks
you know I
if you did want
to be good
there’s a person in the empty Warehouse that’s just visiting
who you played their wrap a couple of episodes ago that robbed him he did the the the fuck your mama rap that was like
then we kind of apps it’s a big hit and he came out and visited and I don’t want to spoil too much but we lay down some tracks with them to know what we’re doing and we say what the facts are should we keep this a secret I mean chief of a secret makes it seem like it’s so important that I just would say he felt the need for the the compulsion to write
Pringles de crap there’s a writer of the next my socks that he has and it was on assignment with you know I don’t respond well to people going like or want you making about this and he was in town and I was doing a different thing Starbright we’re going to be putting out like a little tape let’s let’s at he’s at he’s at that much but like is the end so I had said to Mr tanchum who’s visiting you know if you did to have any kind of
lyrical thoughts about giraffes love them hatem maybe you are a giraffe that you’re like we can maybe slide you into this this other stupid things when I’m doing what I’m doing is not that brilliant it’s just it’s just for fans of the podcast you but it might be a little treat Rob tension to the stage please
everybody meet Rob Lowe Rob Wright brother developed a crew that you roll with and he’s in it right is that correct he’s just he’s heard of your crew you’re rolling deep would you say you have a posi now or no I don’t know it’s hard to say cuz I don’t know it was that what I do is really you know I’m up I’m kind of a performance artist still I think I haven’t taken pen-to-paper ever robbed went back to
where he’s staying at a hotel but that’s factually inaccurate you’re staying with a friend but in the end but that’s the time frame like he’s one of his visit I was like why don’t you if you want to write like a giraffe verse
maybe we can record that tomorrow cuz we’ll both be in the studio and then he went home and then he came back and he he had all kinds of shit including this and we did record it but I thought it would be since we have the beat do we have the beat
if you’re prepared to are you prepared to wrap it cuz it’s a particularly bad evening for me freestyle wise with luck if you live good rap is what you want I think you’re being too hard on yourself I think because we don’t have the live audience you don’t get that Sia has been nice but they use to wrap kids us I’m not a doctor I don’t play video games so don’t play video games I mean earlier and encased in you know there was a need to Freestyle I wanted to like exercise that muscle beforehand cuz we never got to
we were in the booth at the same time we did an improbably never freestyle together so I was just ready for it I don’t I don’t want to let you know I think that we have the same eye on it I just want people to listen to Just Eat the mic and make sure they hear your your delicious lyrics that you wrote overnight having been assigned the task of writing about giraffes and has a long weird relationship with you but just hate hate hate hate hate my adopted that for this one track of you are a frappe ruin your feet in the leaf tree
never done cuz I rhyme Darwin with hard when that’s great which is very fun and you could have said Harmon Harmon could have said Harmon
did you just shut your pants now I just I committed to finishing to send all right well I’m just going to make a picture because you’re going to do your rap you when it’s done with like when you when your when your rabbit extemporaneous freestyles rap obviously as we’ve established I’m not really on my game tonight so I’m not saying that you if you do it let’s just do the thing we said we were going to do unless you can rap about clitorises okay I will become talented I will go to work and I will be coming to Z Astic get my brain chemistry will completely change if we just keep making me do stuff I agree
let’s hear when you’re ready to him and then let’s listen to this
yo and then in the tractor if there’s a lot of him except me okay wrapping to wrap back interested in it for once a wrath will I have that buck what you heard drafts are the worst hopefully one day they will be purged from the earth no one’s ever seen a draft go swimming that’s a legitimate draft pack no kidding if you do a bath is a raft won’t get in a bunch of tall assholes don’t know what they’re missing spend the whole goddamn day eating leaves 80 lb worth of Phil the dietary needs no time for hobbies no skis the trapeze leisurely evening is no reason to be barely even sleep 10-minute interval standing straight up straight up imbeciles only vertebrates species they can’t yawn when they’re all gone on a field in principle drink water once every few days learning draft fast is my bangs with raised and not like me I don’t like that traps aren’t human trash can try trap dress make no sense
not because they can’t but because they choose not to what that’s a fact I found fucking smug herbivores if I could I would fight you fuck your ass
alright thank you big clitoris is taking over if you see a horse with a very long neck anomalous clitoris is now on Deck I’m a zookeeper of science I drop it mad and I don’t know why it’s so hard to have a cut this big check out my rig it’s an 18-wheel truck is hard to fuck you don’t know where to put your weiner when the clitoris is far less leaner
just look how do I stop it right time and it in our nation’s history that’s there it’s not the right time you really ran more than I expected to become a fact that giraffes can make sound when they choose not to the phrasing of a draft draft don’t make sounds I’d like literally I did a guy did a Google you know bruising but drafts don’t make sounds not because they can’t but because they choose not to infuriate they have the capacity to make the kids or Discovery adults or whatever fact I go to the time I go to Discovery Kids for all of my fax capacity to go
say hey there’s some believes over here but they have no reason to make any noise because they have to because they require I rounded up to 80 for the lyric a but it was 75 or towns of food a day and because they’re eating perhaps they have to stay there eating leaves and their draft they have to spend all day eating so there’s nothing else they got to eat those leaves I’ve ever asked myself this question like a giraffe’s I’m assuming they’re like in the same biomes are there I’m assuming their predators are like a big cats like your puma and a Jaguar the fuck out of your videos where they make a predators
Lion of the break your jaw you can’t eat anymore you’re a dead tiger with one of their hooks you’ve dislocated something and you can’t operate any more says the big cats know not to fuck with a full grown giraffe why they don’t use to make sounds I mean they’re like the Winston Churchill
but if the body at the body was made a big sticks they would speak even more that’s awfully allowed to speak more softly because they’re just one carrying speak softly and carry a big stick and it’s… I went crazy Club each other just as long as long as vertebrae there likes extrovert
what is the vertebrae
if Shrek was here he’d lunch all, quick
is a giraffe with eight vertebrae in his neck and like guys not to remove the joint from my hatred of giraffes which is just like it’s because it’s obviously it’s like the that’s the thing that we learned about it and evolution is like that’s that’s hella stration of darwinian evolution is that you slowly getting your neck and it’s like not how humans like we didn’t we didn’t our bodies didn’t Moore’s to suit our surroundings as we we became we became a hacker’s of the environment because of other animals that look like big for the trees in the dresser meeting each other that’s just one reason why did you don’t want to go to the long neck route I did that like like don’t don’t play footsie with Mother Earth to get down to roll up your sleeve she’s been trying to kill you for fucking hate billion years man fucking
take a piece hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss go in a huge family gathering if I can smell food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, no one messes that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes how the themes relate to my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker it myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest Phil married like ever you’re always in good hands
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hey everybody it’s dead from harmontown if you listen to my show not to judge you but there’s a pretty good chance you you don’t like putting thought into clothing yeah you’re a type is like here’s how I feel about clothes and clothes shopping like I always feel good when I do have clothes that fit that that make me look okay to slack I like showering after I shower or cleaning my desk after I clean my desk before all those things happen I is an impenetrable membrane like I don’t want to take the trouble of the time it’s a pain in the ass buying clothes is definitely in that category what if there was a service that fit with your Dan Harmon ish sedentary is socially nervous preoccupied lifestyle is able to be done with your laptop that actually the end result was better than if you bothered to go out to the whatever the hell that horrendous places are
49er clothes what forever 44 I don’t know where where you’re supposed to buy clothes Stitch fix men sorry lady I close you never even have to leave the house you just go to stitchfix.com and tell him your sizes your favorite type of clothes and how much you want to spend that summer I really liked like your personal stylist then gets to work and picking new clothes for you based on your style and your budget is a person is not you don’t have to feel their judgment in their aloofness and like you’re back in sixth grade like having to browse the Husky section with your mother I’m five items are delivered right to your door and you try it on and you only pay for what you keep I know these packages come it’s so easy you don’t have to write an address or to fix a stamp or anything it’s like the old Netflix like it comes to your house you put it on if it doesn’t fit you put it back in the bag you leave it where it was laying end and then it goes back and then you’re guaranteed the neck
time it shows up it’s going to fit now it’s like kind of a great way to get new clothes shipping’s free both ways anything you don’t want to send it back exchanges are always free to you can get your fix monthly quarterly or whenever you feel like it there’s no subscription required it’s easy the shipping is free why not give him a try I promise you’re going to be hooked if you give it a shot get started right now stitchfix.com Harmon that’s Harmon not harmontown just Harmon and you’ll get 25% off when you keep all five items in your box that stitchfix.com Harman to get started today stitchfix.com Harmon
I’m not a conservative I’m not a drill baby drill what do you think is the most efficient animal in the animal kingdom it you obviously not giraffes the most efficient animal who is the most efficient design well I’m supposed to say cockroach because they survived the nuclear or whatever but but I mean I forgetting about that nuclear Holocaust thing which I don’t know if how much of that is apocryphal or whatever you call it I feel like ants are because they is there is there basically dirt that moves they say they’ve combined individual life form in the colony has a it doesn’t matter if one of them dies and yet they just like I don’t know it’s amazing what they do
well guys that’s an interesting answer in comparison to draft because one of the draft facts that I learned is that they have no societal hierarchy or structure or anything to the opposite of pants they’re just there there there free form I knew this was going to happen if we start a research straps I knew I would fall in love with them I have a I have one big one that didn’t make the dolphin of the desert
I can’t I didn’t want to episode title it didn’t make it into the rap but there’s a very interesting one was that before mating a female giraffe will urinate into the male giraffes now I don’t know I don’t know all these things where they can’t reach the ground to can’t release it but that’s that’s part of it and I didn’t want I didn’t want to bring it in and put your negative context of him when he pees in the male giraffe mouth oh yeah yeah I think it’s to taste fertility test for giraffes taste for till she said she’s welcome to flavor country
let me pee in your mouth and taste whether or not you want to fuck me I mean it definitely is like the opposite of ants right cuz it’s like there’s no there’s no power Dynamic Leah Remini we think whoever is getting their mouth peed in his bottom but I mean
first of all these are giraffes extinct how do you say diagram I didn’t see any type of glass up the puddle of your she said she acts like he doesn’t even been down that thing of agency every other guy the girls just like choose not to talk I am not a man with words like bushes simplify things in my mouth let me taste whether or not
take a slurp like it’s from will in Milwaukee what we call it bubbler and and you sip it and then you got a good morning Margaret and then you just keep walking like she’s not offended you know like if you’re not into it I feel like you know what I’m going to get a female giraffe and peed in some some gentleman’s mouth and he just walked by I’d be very offended I wasn’t good enough for you
how do you go back and get nervous I would leave the room in like I would be in the mail to you being a guy and I stop peeing he was already pooping in the urinal at starburns I went into the store and videos but just all came out and you are kind of like you said yeah LOL yeah I said I said hello how are you doing I thought you were either mid or post P3 and then I was washing my hands and you were bravely admitted I did that thing where I didn’t pee because you scared me when you walked in design. Sexually as a courtship ritual it’s happening behind her she’s peeing it’s she’s she’s facing this way
so is it you just pee and then whoever’s behind you just takes it takes it tastes like they’re at a wine party she said come over here on a pee in your mouth this is the female golf at the same time how is that even physically possible their draft so then I went to well maybe it’s like a jet coming out of her Nethers like working into the air and then it made me think of a garden hose like a fun party wear like like it doesn’t matter there’s enough for everyone and and like and that and that and that that way like the dick to be like several males like walking by and they just like take a nibble you know of it like maybe that’s just let’s say I’m designing a perfect species here I’m not I don’t know what giraffes do most they’re like the woman pees
if you don’t want to get pee on her there but also I don’t think in this species culture there’s a lot of pee phobia
if you’re in the vicinity of a woman who’s peeing you you walk through it like a sprinkler you can pretend you didn’t taste anything that’s not offensive to her you just walk through it and go top of the morning Sheila and but if it’s if you if you if you get something on your tongue that’s like a cheese she is like
wrapping a thousand eggs today fertility I’m kind of
I’m a little riled up myself truth be told I know you circle around and you say Sheila you’re positively glowing today your urine is on my face it tastes like your you’d make a baby giraffe without me want to make one with me I’m assuming then she goes she can say yes or no and it just wouldn’t have any of these problems and then if if if if he is perfecting the species if she rebuked him cuz I call you Stanley the new Donald
the guy has to go all right and he can block her exit and jerk off into a potted plant
that’s a perfect species just took just a psychological torture her and then we’re done perfect Jesus Christ
I looked it up it’s definitely an act it’s not like a
there’s picture there’s a church as footage of drafting table
he’s been like a fountain like a bubbler
bendy are those mechs
yeah it’s like they’re drinking it up. It’s like in The Lion King where everyone’s around the watering hole and all the different you know and then there’s the draft and they’ve been down a drink out of those communal it just have been down I haven’t seen it Lion King that’s the main part of it Lion King that’s mostly about your ass so she’s a female giraffe taking a pee no it’s it’s a it’s a it’s a it’s a ritual I’m going to get behind you according to do yourself a favor and get get around down here on the back end of the likes of somebody’s just you know be coerced
yeah I like sprinkler p
they are you on team giraffe now or I like the way they do some stuff I like that they stomp Tigers I like the dinner before the tigers are afraid of
I don’t think you do lions or maybe that long neck game so dumb
yeah that means they whack each other like they really hurt each other by just we’ll swing in that giant has had their like how much they weigh. I mean that really did learn some math facts are there those are fatal fatal blows yeah they’re like I don’t I’m going to stay like they’re 70lb next their they’re crazy but that’s not the right number but they must have you think right leg of their whacking people with their necks knock your vertebrae out of alignment or not like staring down at screens their up do they were for a while right they’re not like in drama club so you know they have reasons to
I’m not going to jump the shark of starting to like your ass but God so I couldn’t so I may be a little bit like the important thing is that you know the reason I come down is because people I think there’s an unspoken assumption that human beings because they don’t have long necks they don’t eat really high leaves and I don’t live in the desert they don’t walk around and they don’t have animal print like style I like that because that because it’s not like we’re some kind of horrible species that like deserve to die and while we’re killing the planet
come on we’re we’re pretty amazing were like little little monkey robots like we’re great we we we took a different route we’re like Hey listen what am I going to be the perfect squirrel and then an unlikely how we represent the branch of doubling down on fuck him it’s Saturday and I was just going like why don’t you just fucking B Howard Hughes about it just show me the blueprints baby and and that’s it so proud proud Legacy what’s your stance on like like a bird
you don’t know they have the gift of flight then a gift or the free cookie a flight that was laying on the table but no one wanted to eat at Evolution they did they did they build feathers up over time they did turn them lizards into into feathered creatures that can fly even look how many birds there are five billion and species of bird they’re all like animals like they’re they’re just constantly going like

lake lake Lake Zurich they’re insane we become them now but like it’s like I mean birds are just garbage what about our lives alone hunts at night and just does the saying as he had some kind of interesting cuz they’re Birds but they fucking mammals that’s fucking any animal any species that crosses back over lake lake fish that eat birds are spiders that eat like fish they’re awesome just because they’re just there like Neo in The Matrix like they’re not even like that’s pretty crazy if you’re a fish and you eat monkey like
even though the monkey is my relative I got a I’m not I’m not like oh that monkey deserved it I’m not a victim blamer I’m just saying like that’s a cool fish how do you feel about whales
I don’t I don’t I get it don’t let don’t let you know look you know they had legs and they bailed
do whales have legs Wheels really I don’t know hippos or something and then they went back into the ocean like they’re like to can’t do it cuz I have the sigil hind legs since I think they have yet so you can see from the damn right I mean are mammals that live in the ocean please
hi Jeff mammals dolphins sea lions and walruses that they had they have shoulders and hips and then they then they went back into the ocean why do you think they went back I mean
Jose for the Brass Ring of course they gave up your ass all day long and it’s sucking they might have just chosen the water this Tigers giraffe peanut other than that I’d rather go back and swim yeah like the best species ever cuz it’s just cuz we can’t understand because they squeak when they talk I’ll tell you how we know cuz they were they were like dogs that bailed that’s how we know they were on when they had a shot they had a shot that dolphins are smarter than dogs
yeah I’m sure dolphins are smarter than a lot of things but you know what they’re not smarter than us because they fucking like we’d stuck it out man we’re like all right what about like a fucking bad-ass crocodile have no enemies are like basically dinosaurs there their they’re like your friend that listens to vinyl but like they but they actually has like a system that we are like I’m going to hand it to you just jerking your self off here like you did this works like I can’t get to Purple People Eater on iTunes yeah man like when you have a friend that’s like a vinyl hipster that’s like you actually can see the practicality of it but if you put a Giraffe versus a crocodile
Gap dress going to win cannot run a more benign than sharks we should all of shark’s right shorts are fucking dicks that you don’t like Star no sharks are assholes amoeba that just fucking like fucking voted for Trump at every like evolutionary election it like I just did it turned into jiggly just everybody was like like like the other I’m even more like we’re going to become worms and tubes and the sharks are the ones that were like yeah but wouldn’t we need tea still okay cool you can do that but there’s a lot of the plants to eat in there just like me and then just like they just turned into a giant mouth is it just flows through the ocean what’s the difference between you glorifying humans for sticking it out on Land Cruiser shark sticking it out in the water and perfecting being in the water
Georgetown I know so I didn’t want to miss a thing is like language fails because it’s like this pussy thing like I’m trying I’ve been trying to like remove that from my vocabulary because it’s like it’s you know like I used to I used to say bag and retard and stuff too and like I had to like teach myself to like knock it off and like pussys like a but it’s hard but I need like a you know I want I want to talk about pussy and retard what are giraffes
we’re going back in time I can use all those words that it’s a choice and that’s that’s that’s the Secret Service didn’t come to my house I’m going to say there were giraffe doctor did tell me
infant Airborne biology classes everywhere playing at whether we should make it a full a fuckmarrykill and have three animals all I’m saying is like if you’re in the ocean and as if you called all the sea animals like you you’re you’re in the in the ear if you’re in the ocean is 85% water okay so as we all know that every human being is 85% more on everything is 85% garbage hack dumb 85% of all dentist socket Dentistry 85%
Comics are unfunny 85% of the podcast is this retarded as the default is where we started okay I’m a little I’m a Little Teapot here I’m cuz I’m going to me but I’m like okay I got to go Oregon now I got some ribosomes I’m going to and then it’s like I forgive you because I am you I’m your great-grandson amoeba exist today right now in amoeba
Listen to Born couple days ago he’s an idiot like he’s a jerk his parents we we we are apart of the family that branched off like our DNA was assembled by like you know risk-takers like we are a branch of the of the phenomenon called living genetics we are the tentacle coming off of that one thing
that is the tentacles that actually grab the brass ring all the other tentacles are like why not stay and I’ll tell you why he can’t see anything that’s ridiculous they are descended from my gland reptiles they go fuck it I’m going to master the sky they were flying for millions of years of sports do that through the air and land on shit think it’s cooler to be a lizard and then go up on two legs and like I mean it’s kind of neat. Cool
how cool we did it we come out of the water like a SCUBA tank long full of water for a while to learn to like it got better lungs you can breathe air like that was crawling gut fer now this is where some of our cousin’s got weird for that turned into feathers and started flapping around I don’t know what to think about that you’re talking to the about them like they’re Gods or angels I just don’t I just think that they’re like your weird cousin you know the liberal arts major or something I just that I don’t know whether to admire them or not I just don’t I’m saying like I don’t I don’t like looking up at birds and going like they’d really nailed it cuz I just am hollow bones
what’s the best brains the size of a of the head of a pin like they don’t even know half the time I think you nailed it with what I immediately imagined as like a inspirational motivational poster and end office setting with the dolphins are dogs to gave up and just like a beautiful picture of dolphins don’t be a dolphin beat the dog stick it out yeah so here’s the thing is big fans of my podcast already know he’d listen to 400 episodes of the show you know I subscribe to the Elaine Morgan theory of human evolution which is explains the fact that we’re different from chimps gorillas and orangutans in all the ways that dolphins sea lions and walruses are different from other mail we have everything in common with dolphins and whatnot that we don’t have in common with her great great ape cousin and Elaine Morgan suggest
that’s because 4 million years ago we to flirted with the dolphin route just long enough to lose our hair get blubbery fat and regulated will breathing upright vertical posture and then for some reason so I can we toughed it up would have done if I was a dolphin kicked us out of the sea oh my god oh yeah I think I forgot my phone again we were just like Teddy about it
you’re early hominoid fled to the water’s edge because it was full of giant and I’m like yeah and the like of this food down here I can hold my breath for 5 seconds and go get an A and B vitamins and expand I do I did I like I’m smarter now I could probably make a weapon and kill these Tigers but it was also the same why not just live in the water that can know because there’s a
things worse than tigers in the ocean with sharks in it could have been like okay let’s stay in the water but like you know see you later and I that like like like the end of end of the people that did stay in the water route hunted and there are there are people in Africa that lives like very much like you know the women give birth in the in the in the search they squat in the baby comes out like a wine cork and poop poop poop and they they kind of Bob to the surface I don’t know if it’s the iron islands are not like I haven’t I haven’t drive it I haven’t it’s been a long time since I went to the maps I mean this as part of me to suggest cuz I really don’t know anything I obviously I’m talking about like
semi-aquatic face during a time when they are primates in general are the are the the reason that are all going extinct is because they are we are we are the result of a particularly like Lush equatorial flag super-rich kind of like you know that I could afford to sustain a great ape which is a knave the can’t even fucking climb trees anymore basically like they doesn’t have a tail anymore and is a big giant just almost waste of time except for
Yours Truly hello old so-and-so so that’s why I don’t like giraffes feel like they’re glorified like there’s nothing in the first thing horrifying giraffes who’s who’s who’s
Africa Lions on them pretty hard I feel like a commercial for Africa I think of elephants personally but you might be run in a hot tub at the Disney World’s Africa what church was that they would resort called with the Island Resort in Florida so we just like drank every a beer and every country in Africa is called drink in the world I made it through then we went back to the crib saw like Cirque du Soleil everyone fell asleep I made it through somehow I went back and took like a
Vicodin or a percocet or something like that and sat in a jacuzzi and it was so drunk and I took this pain killer and I felt like I was floating above the jacuzzi and a fucking giraffe walk by like right next to the fence where I was and it was a big ass giraffe walk by the look on a painkiller at the look was like a fucking drunk bro she gave me a very very professional like fatherly kind of like wow
peed my mouth shut the fuk up
do you mean fucking them I was talking with that can I think he was looking at his going by looking at a a monkey and some water and then going like when you guys going to pick a line in a body of water like swimming or something if you like I can ask you know that she was going hard to believe we were electrocuted an elephant very I will donate my camera
$50,000 footage of a giraffe swimming
I don’t care if it doesn’t that you could you could be breaststroke and I want to see if I can giraffes breaststroke breaststroke I just just making it from one from point A to point B and just completely swimming along well you know there’s that what is that like British I called The Sex box where there’s a big box in the people go and have sex in the Box on stage completely in private maybe if we set something like that would make me feel more comfortable swimming because no one would actually be seeing it and just embarrassed about it also I think probably chatting up a storm
that would be great. Sounds like a high-pitched would take that as a giraffe sound yes
arugula peacockii
that’s a good one what do you have to put my hand over the mice climb walls like a there’s footage of your people have camels are Roman name is that they looked like it had something to do with camels because they could the Romans are whoever was spotted them was said this is like a weird camel makes sense yeah where can I see things are weird camel yeah you can just add weird to
Dromedary camels I don’t know I don’t know where that where it didn’t you just Google is a couple nights ago Tom Rob. It’s just a chicken at the top and then everything that tastes like chicken which is everything just down a different, weird taste like chicken
I just thought that was like whatever I didn’t can I add him can I go by Brightwell cities in Africa or and you know like the Middle East and 7/8 bring back these animals and then walk him the gray and elephants back to Rome every loser fucking mind is like what type of the world’s full of aliens and then attack it with swords again
I don’t think it’s a funny animal cruelty I just think it’s funny how dumb we are as that you I don’t know it just like little kids understand that giraffes aren’t I shouldn’t be fought with swords but Romans didn’t know that yet you know like they just they just took giraffes and put them in the Coliseum and then had like a slave attack it with a stick you know her bad ass and nobody is ever as if I can get you now if I could just made of muscle do horses like with muscles are scary like I don’t know I think we take her animals you know but when you see a horse that’s like that’s a fucking monster like if this thing had scales I would be running vertically fucking domestica you cannot you’ve never seen anybody riding a zebra zebra eat you
what if I paint the donkey sat out on the street corner where they call him the keys for some reason and I don’t know why I every street corner it’s just that it’s a good thing that they spray paint the donkey with stripes and then you did like you charge people to take a picture standing song that’s fucked up your ass
I want to see the Zebra versus giraffe that market place I can find a Tijuana businessman and I have a donkey like like are they being unimaginative or is this like a steel trap of a market where like if you’d like one guy tries to put antlers and then it’s just like fucking like his family starve just like fuck you you idiot reality shows down there like called zonkey rescue where a guy comes in and goes like so what are you doing here I just thought I’d put antlers on my donkey is like 3 and let me ask you something you said where you standing right now Tijuana what do you see humans should and prostitutes what else Zombies 2 just like to be doctor Moreau until Market
staying is going to go to the commercial of zebra down to Tijuana like was it would that stuck at the marketplace or the holy shit once pitch it to bring a real zebra down to deal what I think I think the zebras get killed immediately donkey spray face I am talking about the what 20 years ago when you took a train down to Tijuana and whatever neighborhood to Get the Led Out the train wheel of your Bibles
who invited serhat hi Zaki I don’t know I don’t know I had. I don’t know if that’s like if there’s like a 51 is like a giant City and there’s like a huge like awesome clean part of it or just a struggling played in integral part that then people are like so bummed out cuz Americans always refer to Tijuana as I cash it also like the Times Square Elmo’s of of Mexico right right
you know what else is in Tijuana
I mean but I don’t I’m not I but the job isn’t to keep me like I’m not a Optimus Prime feel like I’m not going to leave you guys to victory for Cybertron bike and wandering around up here like an idiot you guys hear about these bees knees All the Rage in the twenties had a cat pajamas 17 knee
looks like the bee’s knees of 2017. Like what what what creature in the animal kingdom Disney’s are more fashionable today because I think the bee’s knees are kind of lame these days these days but another one under the only mammal that has for Ford bending the man that dude I went to this party last night that shit was the elephant sneeze
at work it might accidentally encourage poachers yeah yeah that shit that shit was the flamingos knees I’m sorry you guys we don’t have to do this was bad if it was a good phrase for something that goes badly the flamingos knees what about mrs. seasoning
biggest food ever needs are visible so is the tip of her are bad salami like clitoris dangles at the long salami
he’s nice I’ll take it she would Place him for long.
Really lose track of time of subscribers that I’m never it’s a moving Target you know if we do the show fifty-two weeks a year as we have men like sometimes it’s just going to be bad luck here’s the thing where you going to take your business Garrison Keillor boring broadcasts play me I’ll do a film Noir parody for 6 hours until you find me about Aruba trip in forcing potted plants to watch him jerk-off is that out of fasting yet I just don’t know how that affects our business model I would like to say is why I don’t want to jinx it but we’re where we are we are we are proofed against future allegations because I have been 40 years terrified of women
I I die by may have treated them poorly I certainly like five of them in my head wrongly but I are you I mean having a button installed on my desk that would lock my door to keep people out while I jerk off thinking about a mannequin I am I will not hurt anyone you will not find out I’ve heard when I am just scared Jeff too cocky he would never I mean I just like to get along with Spencer this seems like tempting fate is really chapped that business never leaves also terrified of weather
the grade there was like a hair on the back of this girl’s shirt and I wanted to take it off but you know like I didn’t do it touch your back instead and then I was like I’m a I’m a I’m the one I’ve done awful things like that I look back on I just to clear the air sold I went on a date with a girl and I remember like I told her back into the car for the late like like she clearly didn’t want to like a like a Biff Tannen that you get this isn’t a thing I don’t like saying those words out loud it’s like oh Jesus you put like like what you did what would I never said the words out loud it’s like but it’s a thing that I did like I I didn’t know it was just it was just like I I it wasn’t like hateful was it but it was like I grabbed I grabbed that I cleaned and I was like I was like come on don’t go you know
why did the date was over right now so there’s one like if we go back that far that you know if they find out
also you’ve been fucking everyone’s Mama for as long as this podcast has been going on and I’ve been pretty candid about that when else have I done
I think you fuck someone’s Mama on the lawn that was a message on my girlfriend’s like I just think and I definitely web bookmarks like I’m just in big trouble
are you Victory are you complicit in victimization cuz otherwise I think you’re in the clear to Mi Cabana because I don’t know what an appropriate behavior is I did that you just see that the headliner if that I always do I keep telling myself well that I hope that means touching and like forcing in like things that have like a clear line around them because if it starts to become like that joke wasn’t very funny but he kept telling that joke you know like like stuff that’s like a legitimate grievance like I don’t know just probably people out there with stories you know the Al Franken thing it’s kind of weird I was arguing with someone on Twitter about this and I think they turned out to be right but they were mad because people were the two allegations together the groping allegation in the kissing allegation and Al Franken is the severity although he
about the groping thing because it was like this was a staged photo or whatever I just said I don’t remember that but fence because it includes potentially forcing his tongue down into her mouth which is like that’s that’s pretty gross and the person was saying that lumping them together means they wouldn’t get taken separately and then you’re dismissed and so you’re kind of meal do you know dealing with that way but we really don’t talk about that part of it which is to me a lot more
aggressive I know but every time we start talking about it we’re is it if we if we’re saying anything other than look I I did something I I’m thinking differently whatever like is it like like like like we can only have these conversations about like what
anything that mitigates the idea of of a of a of a claim is like, that’s a hot stove for who knows how long I don’t know how long that’s doable stay just like bright red hot I’m not I’m not touching it I did it was good I just think that last week where it where it was like that the for the weird thing about it is that I felt I could put my I found myself becoming like a weird liberal version of a Roy Moore supporter and most like it in this it it’s like a microcosm thing because it was like as soon as I started freaking out about net neutrality and thinking that there was a political reason for any of this and then I immediately started going like what
Lion and the end the end the end the phrase what if this woman is just lying has to be I think I guess that’s not a that’s not a conch that’s available that’s behind glass for about five years whenever I hear the all-clear your head that’s just kind of he can’t stop that it’s how you deal with those thoughts and yeah and I don’t think you’ve been like that’s why I locked my door
can’t control thoughts University of Southern California like I had stayed in the dorm where a lot of the film student kids were and mostly guys that anyway
if those guys a lot of him we’re rich
kids they’re going to go on to have like lots of access and lots of power in the film community
if they ever were going to be the Harvey Weinstein any kind of grumpy rapey asshole gross guy
I think it was such a huge part of like men going into positions of Power with government or film and like I can’t control what women do like I can make that I can make them do things that they might not want to do because I am in a position to affect their lives and careers
I don’t care how many people to fucking go down with it with was the ship of like all the all these allegations right now I would like to think that if you’re in a film school right now and you are a young man going through from school and take me to being a producer or director you wash your fucking step now at cuz if you do anyting that’s cause for fucking retirement instantly if he if you haven’t thought about it and that’s maybe one of the reasons that you haven’t thought about as a reason why you want to wrap or make movies or ride a unicycle or like if a guy that could be a super unspoken super unchallenged saying like yeah there’s been no
Sword of Damocles over your head like you’re allowed to do it and the worst case scenario that you had a reputation in the media has said the signal that you’re a bad you’re a downtrodden protagonist because you don’t have a job and you don’t have a girl and then you go through a journey and you get a job and that gets you a girl and that’s succeeding at life that’s what we tell people they should do you should get a job because a job will get you a girl and that’s you know and there’s no agency in that but I think that that’s the signal we’ve been saying through storytelling for years and years and leave the story underlying a lot of stories as they go and do some task that then gives them professional Acumen and a woman like that’s the 80s movie where you’re supposed to root for the underdog who is still a white man but he is like the other the beta male and his enemy he’s the default he’s the base of like the lowest you can be as a nerd and it’s cool and even if
white and straighten affluent like you deserve whatever you’re able to get so if you’re able to beat the jock then the getting the girl is your prize and you’ve earned it think they’re saying the same thing even in the most woke culture it was it’s like the alpha males Aryan girlfriend whose classically beautiful that the guy has wants the whole movie is then the third act as he realizes that he should have the woman that he had the whole time his best friend Scott. Maybe shorter darker hair movie has a pretty good value system like they taught me not to go for this judge a book by it’s cover because why you do this Daphne oh you can fall for these days
oh but it’s booth that I want I she’s my best buddy in Wolf of the original movie saying like like you to hero’s journey was like once you become fully self-actualized that’s when you get to have a girl with a real life like having a girl in your life who makes you smarter Miller we’ve all been smart enough to know that we’ve made fun of that if we are over over a certain tax bracket or I cute but this thing that I think the smartest of us like don’t got away with not thinking about is that idea that that that part of of fulfillment in general spiritual fulfillment even is
acquisition of a female is it is like a coupling up and it is whatever okay weave weave weave it’s coming back from like there’s the one that’s and then you know you know Adam and Eve story it’s like man makes God makes man androgynous and then they split apart in the whole journey is like they’re they’re half of each other and then they have to come back and realize like you know what the and then like the father in The my my mixing thing for like the father the mother the same thing it’s all the one that’s that’s like when you become fully self-actualized and the like the Fulfillment of the self is realizing the male and female in those heteronormative terms are two parts of the one on there cuz I don’t know why I’m bothering to even look out at a landscape of shit as if I didn’t write a pilot where Joel McHale plays a guy who the The Sting that is driving me
trying to fuck Brita so he’s doing everything that all of my sexual role models did in the movies that I grew up on that that that’s socialized me which is he’s lying to a woman to try to trick her into fucking him is because if he does that he’ll he’ll be happier and it’s romantic because she look up a Funnel Vision the end and what a what a crazy tangled web he’s weaving oh you men you’re so you’re willing to do so much just to get that sweet pussy it’s like it’s like we looked at I looked at it as like like oh well this is what drives us all it’s like wanting a hamburger so I’m worried about writing a sitcom what’s motivating is protagonist so I did the same thing in the 21st century that I’d grown up I was just like an n and if you all to make you ultimately make it clear that the that the the the
superior male role model male role model is Abed like over Jeff who doesn’t have those same like as the two parts of that male part not that you know Ava is supposed to meet me here at the lifetime the show but not explaining yourself a mold John Hughes last Kevin Smith / whatever it’s just it’s just your you’re a man you that woman that part of that that that I think that that’s like guys like me there just like what I want to write a TV show or movie I wanted to I need to I need to motivate this character it’s like oh let’s put a bone in front of the dog so it goes around the whole circle and it and like it you not realizing that you’re you’re fundamentally like
you’re not even like you’re going to work out with a box around you that you didn’t even know you had around you like and then you’re going to do you think you’re making these decisions but you’re like inside this box anyways I’m glad this happened is unavoidable I’m glad that we’ve we’ve talked about it consistently for the last fucking whatever I hope we talked about it for another year and if if you hate every time it comes up then you are right but we keep talking about it as a group of white men I hope every time we do it I’m Siri I hope someone ends
the conversation with with that bunch, I thought you were going to have it if if we start talking about this if there’s a not white guy on stage I’m going to shut it down
stripes we were trying to do a show
I’ve been doodling over here a bad giraffe
I do I think might like some sort of Prince with a turban on his head
tell everybody merry Christmas and happy holidays from harmontown I’m Jeff Davis with Dan Harmon Spencer Crittenden millions of people receive the least-liked gift of all time you know that is under pants but we still give it to her family in our loved ones who just don’t want it you know guys it’s not underwear that’s the problem it’s the kind of underwear what you talking about me and he’s our favorite sponsor the best undergarment ever excited fabricated by Humanity it’s got a soft flexible waistband is 3 times softer than cotton and it’s made from an ungodly natural sustainably-sourced fiber call Micro modal underwear the perfect gift that everyone is going to love you for an also your your genitals will love you so much more it’s a goddamn holiday Miracle don’t give underwear give me undies to get your exclusive 20% off the softest underwear and socks you will ever wear free shipping and it 100 /
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mobile for you
with 10 Tony nominations including best musical the New York Post says something rotten is a big fat hit this hilarious new show tells the story of two brothers who are desperate to write their own it while the Rockstar Shakespeare keeps getting all the hits with a local soothsayer foretells with the future of theater involve singing dancing and acting at the same time the brothers set out to write the world’s very first musical with his heart on its ruffle sleeve and sequins and it’s all New York Magazine said something rotten is the producers meet Spamalot meets The Book of Mormon tickets are at the Ahmanson Theater. Org it’s the Ahmanson Theater now through December 31st tickets at Ahmanson Theater. O RG now we return you to something rotten you’ll float too
all right how much do you need time do we have left we got most of it all right to him for his lyrical Madness
Rob Pancham giraffe facts
given giraffe facts
people don’t know that your wraps where’s your ass Flex
I think I’m conflicted about that do we have to have a no applause rule cuz when nine people applied it just sounds like then then everyone here’s the nine people at my friends either way I think if you hear in the background to listen to it again last time we have to leave here is leaving here
Steve Levy bring it
alright dude round this page is white guy that time again is a Jewish partner with Paul Newman was Jewish I thought we just that we are. We are now officially has been first at the White House just because he’s also Jewish doesn’t make him more juice than you
okay I’m just trying to diminish the effectiveness and in any way I can I don’t know why that’s the way to do it I mean Paul Newman’s of a great-looking guy I’m trying to kind of soft like a like a lob you a compliment and what was it Paul Newman when he was young was any kind of like was he blond or do you mean like Greta toddler until like 7 maybe me to babies work by they I mean I think the person who wrote the intro to play boys blondes brunettes and redheads 1989 that the we associate blond hair with with use in my youth I guess they meant babies
my beard grows in red sometimes and my mustache has blond that’s cool crazy right it’s only one thing that makes me sad about watching my body I miss my beard it was my red beard you’re already back I missed the big deal I was it was it was fun when it was before it went Gray
I don’t care if I go bald I mean I am going balls-out kick it on here my eyes are melting you know I don’t care. I got two pairs of glasses I got one so I can see a little bit of the airport I got another one so I can see my phone you know kids here’s what happens baby body and then use you it just you know it’s up it’s it’s the cells are dividing for 18 years and then they just stopped
and then you just like a tree and the fall is 60 years long
Jeff do you think that I have a degree in this but I’m pretty sure that’s how it is he you think one day I’ll be super successful Food business
I think you’re going to really succeed and salad dressings and spaghetti sauce in school that’s exactly what I was looking for
Paul Newman passed away Disney
it is unfortunately I think he’s pretty sure it was awhile ago I just now got to go I mean seven years ago I thought I was too. Only the Sundance Kid remains
doesn’t make you any less to us moving Paul Newman
the movie of it
all right dispenser how’s everyone feeling good just got a nice haircut going
starting to come back Spencer you just become more and more and exciting cast member of the bus and truck company of hair every moment has been kind of loose in the ponytail Layla the end so I can grow longer and let it do its own thing I just it’s all too much work I don’t think my ears are laid before it starts to become split ends and kind of disintegrates on its own. Sometimes I think about what Spencer look like if he did like the the boy band spiked hair you know that look like Joey Fatone cuz he’s got so much it how high would it go
oh and I got spiked it up and Fries like Paul from Tekken Frosty tips Spencer look like long Spencer hair length frosted tips from a serious if I can invoke the name of Yahoo serious the alliance he must have died looking it up

Paul Newman both dead and the only way that matters we have to ask he seems to be alive know he can’t be one job as an Entertainer kid keep making them not have to ask if you’re dead. I’m guessing Yahoo serious was a victim of like some shit he wasn’t ready for you like I said I think I think some dudes from William Morris leg went down to an open mic at Kohl’s in a contract it is as if he was like if you really think so and they’re like oh we think so and then he was probably 11 years old they made more money in one year than I’ve ever made in my life it was never there was a time when Australian things were really fucking Halloween
cousin Kathy was an English bulldog I take that back.
The battery guy remember Jack oh I forget what happened last time when we know I know
I mean I remember but I don’t totally remember that’s not what you just said
he forgot
last time on harmontown our heroes were on the Quest for pageants Jim go along with patents to the nearby town of nestor’s Gaffin that guy that they’d met a couple times at this point gap and was headed to Door Nestor as well because he suspected the church was on weed then went to the town you saw some crazy things in the form of zombies and skeletons they seemed bummed out in a graveyard because music was playing from a heart diarrhea Jr tried to inspect the harp music but it vanished in a flash of Ruby light and then the zombies attacks like they were mindless zombies they were dispatched in short order as morning broke it was time to enter door Nestor and they met the guards at the front gate apply
various methods they got in the front gate and then they decided that they split up but met up and decided that they would it split up or maybe wood that’s where they are now follow them today what will they do
seed pageants jam now
perfectly timed to the camera see that I was like pinching my nipple cuz I definitely was that whole time I was reading my doctor was giving me a testicular exam and my hand rested up to my nipple sometimes I think it was like I was like I’ll just check it out
it was just an amazing to me that I would like like like like youthful Comfort mechanism that’s what I think it is I think it’s just some weird middle-aged round was banded do I go for sure it’s like because like big nothing goes on in harmontown without a nipple being involved I saw this therapist or something she was like a weird lady because she liked had this Mahler that’s like don’t use any scented shampoo or wear any cologne before you come in the office and stuff like this is just a weird thing for like an anxiety prefer doctor or something because it’s like anxiety-inducing but we were sitting in the office and I have my hands in my lap and then she was like do you always cover your genitals with your hands
where do I put my hands and then I tried a bunch of different things like to this side to this site to both sides like it’s like people put their hands in their lap
I was doing I was picking different places to put my hands so fast that my knees just started moving on their own a pet peeve about that shit the smells technique of asking you stupid questions of just going like did you notice when I asked you that question your voice got a little quieter or you do look at your body language right now or like what time Cody and I were in couples therapy and Cody wanted to put a pillow that therapist stepped out of the room and Cody put a pillow between us and then a therapist said just came back to see right away I think it’s really important that to notice to Cody’s created a barrier between the two of you Cody told me later that she was farting and she didn’t want to. She was at she was worried about farting and like it cuz it’s like me
I just I just lie in and then when we told the therapist that a week later cuz I like you have to tell her that you weren’t you were protecting me from your farts that’s adorable and intimate and told her that she of course she had to double down and go like well do you think she basically said do you think the reason you were farting so much is because you needed a right a lot of this stuff is like cold reading stuff it’s a it’s like like let’s try to make sense of our occupation here’s the thing I’m a fucking like you don’t always because I’m like being resistant to you or like I don’t know they got ya I talk to people all the time and like they’ve got like a Young Writers It Go like cuz they take like these seminars and stuff and part of it is like the now the people tell him like well when you pitch like like you should sit straight
here’s what you wear and all the stuff I make no go in like a slob you think they’re looking for slabs are it like it was that your first noticed Spencer that you were touching nipples during your your now that was just my hands in my lap but it was like I do that all the time and then every time I do know junior year opening read now I have probably done that while I was driving it’s not like a sexual thing but it’s just like good as good as I always expected to which is maybe why I keep trying my nipples are too sensitive I am not a nipple guy that you paint your nipple
I don’t like to look like nipple play if you’re going to bed with me now I don’t know when it started I don’t know if it was a gradual thing I don’t know but I know it’s full-on now now it’s just as it is it is it almost a mandatory mandatory just like if you love me you’re going to learn has no nipple plan is that is that is that a lost Dan does not go for that I’ll do anything if I’m in love with you. You can poop on me I don’t know if I have cancer and I fucking at it because I hand went to my groin I’ve met other hand like shot up to my nipple I’m okay it was all through the front gate of darkness in the shadow of this game the the
seemed pretty sleepy and they went back to sleep in there currently asleep the plan was that we were going to lie. That’s that’s what chess move ahead but we can now we can still do what we wanted to do because the guards don’t give a shit there sleeping this is this is my thought I don’t want to over explain it it’s just like
we’re in this town we don’t really know what we’re looking for and more importantly
we know there’s something afoot in this town we like we need information and we need to like I feel like it’s a disadvantage for us to be perceived as a group let alone a group of churches and why don’t we split up and take like different parts of the Town different like I’ve maybe I’ll go into the tavern or are you going to the thing that I got to go I’ll pick up Spencer what buildings do we see in front of us it’s going to be harder for me to pretend I’m not a cleric you know it’s you should go get go to go frequent the taverns or whatever I think I’ll go to the local church and just to be clear unless you guys get the skies as you might have plain clothes with you but you’re generally adorned kind of church church oriented garments so unless you do something about that you will register as some
church people of some sort
What a Girl Wants What a girl needs what time is it at this point of shops are open shops shops will be open to the clothing store. The church is there a church of the silver flame and there I’ll go there you guys go shopping and then and then split up we don’t need to put up we’re not wearing church clothes
are you currently are then you’re going to go shopping together then you’re going to split up like Siskel and Ebert at the end of at the movies like people are going to know
are there are there any vendors like selling garments like out in the town like do I have to go into like a dedicated clothing shop
there there’s like an open-air Market that has some smaller shops and mostly stores so yeah looking for a clothing vendor to find something like disguise myself as maybe just a regular citizen you find what late what’s a labeled buy a wooden sign as the open-air Black Market there is a row of shops and stalls your kind of two rows that flank this it’s wider than a street but it’s it’s kind of like a street all of the Stalls that are open are kind of guarded by a couple shopkeepers that are keeping all their Wares like under clothes and sheets and stuff so it’s all like secret kind of secret most of these places are closed and shuttered it’s very striking you make me wonder if there’s like a recession or something
money to spend my whistle in a little in a little tune you see you see a familiar colorful like nice-looking stall not a stylist cart it’s a cart for the Fabricators Guild and there’s a colorfully dressed fabricator who’s like he looks I don’t know let’s say he looks kind of like an Apple employee you there good sir check out my fabrication where is he he’s a gnome he does it and he’s like he’s real good as a hit man you know all I’ve got is these bulshit my brother. They slick in the slimy yes super slick and slimy this slimy protects you against Greece for real
okay well that’s the kind of magical I can’t make like cool magical stuff I’m like a hedge Mage kind of fabricator you just got what all I want is some just regular blend into the crowd just regular Street gear alright he’s like yeah man you need some some brake close around here keeps a pep in your step my brother I’m a druid yeah you are the clothes clothing that looks like a clown closer like gesture close they’re very loud and garish do I like it I mean I’d say it’s fashionable but it is certainly like loud
a matter of copper copper if you should have enough money to be sure I do I truly don’t know
what should be in there so let’s let’s do Dan Dan I’m kind of looking I’m assuming that if this is a town worth its salt that the Church of the silver flame will have a will have a key for something that can be seen in the sky to Skyline yeah it’s one of the it’s the largest building in town but it’s still a pretty small tiny Church on it’s kind of there’s only like a sanctuary a couple a couple other like side rooms it’s a pretty small footprint of a building and have that you can see like a silver flame on display like a big Brazier just has a bell tower like a small tiny Church
well LOL I approached it alright that you see you see Gavin this horse you see Geffen’s horse when he called tied up outside of the church and inside you hear me yelling at people
I eavesdrop for a moment if I can make out what he’s yelling at me sounds like a drill sergeant like he’s he’s barking out orders and you can just hear the sounds of footballs and and and people moving so you saying like good good move move move it yeah you lousy Lots you worthless loudzz do laps and run and keep it up and you you’re going slow and don’t go slow your supposed to be going fast now I move
into the building I mean I’m not trying to be stealthy Rising open the doors and you see everyone’s just running laps around the outside perimeter the inside perimeter of the building and Geffen the same work work it work it just kept and see me he’s like hey what’s up hey so I just wanted to let you know I’m I’m going to try to do kind of a
a low-key thing are you telling me or him I’m telling you like if anybody asks you about me don’t tell him anything that I’ve told you about our previous missions
like what happened back at
what’s it called Round Rock or the city or the church the place that we just worried about that but what was the town with Pierre Bourne Abby the that yeah that that town was that Roan know it’s this you started in Rome and then you went to the home office which was pure burnout Abby which is the place that we were at where this shit hit the fan grown don’t don’t don’t tell anybody how you know me like an end my compatriots but because I’m just I’m not I’m not I’m not like totally undercover like I’m not a bad ass or anything but I I just I’m trying to dig up leads in this town and I I don’t want people to associate me with my friends you got it stranger thanks guess he’s a bishop in the church or you don’t know what he is actually he’s at he’s in the church militant which means he’s not necessarily A leadership like like a priest or anything he’s more like you would like I kind of
gun mercenaries question anyway I’ll ask Kevin that like whose is it who’s the how high up does this local chapter go is there a fryer in charge of everything or know there was a priest but I actually left to go attend to matters at the church of Rowan when they had a leadership crisis so in their absence Peach has been leading the pack but as you can see she hasn’t been running a very tight ship so I’m whipping them into shape their weed with peaches should just a pilgrim or something peaches she’s what is she let’s see
sorry everybody
she’s an initiative which is the the step you go before you become babe or it was up Pastor which is below a priest it’s like she’s working upset in the Seminary ranks or whatever you know is she
yeah yeah yeah she there’s the one you called there’s the pastor’s office and then just the office office in the sanctuary and then the dining hall which is just a tiny little kitchen
call me I have a chat with her well she’ll have to finish because she’s also has to be whipped into shape when I was thinking of my head like I’m not going to give me the information of this
all right back to back to the street
all right you got clothes I’m wearing my new flashy clown I talk to the to the to the sales guy flies fuck he looks through his clothes and he doesn’t find any in your size so he drives a bunch of stuff on the floor in shock and magical powders and they pour some stuff out and then does a magic and it makes some clothes on the floor and he’s like here you go look like it looks like it looks like
rap version of his clothes you know I’d
yeah I don’t know I’ll give them to you for free how about let’s say you just have some loose change is going to be it’s going to be all I’ll say 10 copper because these are some cheap clothes
but that’s pretty much all right so we’re dressed up now unless he doesn’t want to wear the clothes step thanks for trying
I did it yeah I did it you did it I didn’t do a great job but I did it with your name is the closing that’s why you said that earlier we’re looking for a fella named patches anyway anyway any worried about pageants what about secret gems what are you talking about I’m talking about you mean like rubies pay for that joke I mean these are just the thing that exists like diamonds that I mean gems
some folks in town who specialize in diamonds gems rubies we got some gold pieces to spend and we want to bling out man. This is like a Porsche place man to Porsche Place yeah this place sucks we don’t have enough to sell gems I mean I heard this town has a reputation you know my friend but you seem like a good dude so these clothes are an honest you’re an honest guy making your living I want to talk to the speeches they finished their laps and then everyone kind of just passed out
are you peaches from Peach yeah I am Carlos the unimaginative from the from from from central office so you know from flame keep oh yeah we’re not weed that’s none of my business this is actually a separate matter is there a place we can talk in private let’s come to the priests room
Zoolander the priest room it’s really small it seems like recently someone moved out of out of it took most of the things off the shells when they did looks like things are kind of disarray around here yeah nearby Church blew up and we had to have our priests go over and kind of straighten out this shit what was his dafron how much of an ear to the ground do you have around here you can leave from Dorne Astor yeah I’ve been here a while this will stay in this room as Church officials you know I’m I’m from the militant and you know some of the things I do are a little less holy than then then some of the stuff you you guys are used to it’s all in the name of the silver flame you know what I mean
all right I just curious since they are there people in this town that are available for hire if you would need certain things procured like they players do you know collectors of other people’s stuff
well I mean a lot of people here are Ruffians brigands sellswords and thieves
do I do I do I have the letter remember the letter that we
that we had that you said it was like in this Guild speak and have nothing to do I have one of those you you have that message sure that’s like like that that uses this this language I haven’t worked in the private sector that much are guilds Fabricators Guild Seekers Guild or something like 13 or 14 I can’t remember his name is there a thieves were assassins killed well there’s what are you calling
I mean we don’t have to call it anything but this conversation doesn’t have to leave this room but it’s Church business and its importance of a silver flame or a I mean not not really there’s no Coalition of of Thieves and Ruffians as far as I’m aware of Thieves Guild if it was over I’m asking you the record will never show that I asked you to let alone that you answered as a door nastor regular you know and somebody who it appears could use a good word from central office yeah I mean pretty innocent so I mean you don’t smoke pot no one does like you’re misunderstood you doing a great job running this place that I should thank you just need somebody to tell somebody that and what I just need to get my job done is a contact in the thieves were assassins guild I’m thinking more assassin e
there’s no there’s no thieves or Assassin’s Guild as far as I know there’s just you know just the theater
why would you say it that way what do you mean crazy face that was some other person I mean it’s your theater Guild like pretty rough around the edges is the Master Theater Company it’s the main business and down yeah there’s like
four Industries there’s farming as baking is Milling flour from there’s theater she was weird cuz it doesn’t seem like a real cultural epicenter free free wheel info and not necessarily fit in with Society they wander into nor Nestor and they travel around they wear disguises and I mean costumes and dresses different shit and go different places yeah they love crazy clothes and tights and stuff and you know they they put on shows a great time you know there’s not a lot of fun out here and so so you go to the theater it’s like yeah it’s like what we’ve built this is our city crazy wall
you’ve known this that these theater people that they’ve always been around yeah but they also like drift around like they go to other places and not usually I mean there’s there’s too many people in town to really know who’s here and who’s not but yeah
I’m outside and my new clothes and I walk around and
I mean I didn’t hear this conversation but listen to say I dressed up in my new flashy theatrical clothing is it possible that I would run across the theater Guild dispenser tone situation you can see like a farmers storefront that’s normally covered in in farm goods and it just says the farmers tough and it’s it’s just completely abandoned and there’s like a dealer who just has this rolling cart with weapons and stuff and what else do you got do there’s a bunch of people there’s a bunch of people in weird robes do an exercise they’re doing jumping jacks and someone’s like someone’s like jumping jacks jumping jacks will set you free. If I your body and typify your mind
I want to do jumping jacks hell yeah
all right it’s just like you see this this road figure whose face you can’t see their short little guy but they’re very animated and they’re like just 10 more you jerk you got a pimple
how do you spell through exercise and guiding them through all sorts of high-intensity aerobics
hey friend. It’s been a long time since we’ve really hit the pavement can we can we join you and how much does it cost for free
all right I jump into that all right you do it I like that lady nobody up here is better at role-playing than anyone else but I just notable to me that Levy learned role playing from Nintendo games
bounding up to people and Guy help you collect honey would you like a bucket
it’s good you got it because my Scooby-Doo episode to Nowhere by flashy clothes and I’m about to do something Jacks I’m not a good leader and I should not have let you do 30 or 40 minutes of aerobics great Chad I’m feeling so fit unlock the beehive in the exercise routine as far as I understand they’re going you’re starting to get real tired and they’re they’re not stopping and I’ll be the last to know I’m out here do you have any other
Mission Fitness circus will tell me about where the Church of the body Temple we believe that you can become your own God if you treat your body is just enough like a temple all right maybe a skill or I’m thinking about it wrong it might not be a skill and I might be thinking about it wrong I have a 13 and a constitutional right
you continue to go exercise wise I’m cheering tonight I have toughness is a health toughness is helpful
yeah go Chad you’re the strongest know I’m out there are you making a fruit or 40 minutes to the end of the session you’re almost at your DND rope but they finally stopped down and they’re like oh yeah that’s that’s it babies in your body is in leaving your body yeah I feel good for some calorie burn yeah you just burn some calories for the exercise instructor or whatever hands you a bunch of flyers for the Church of the body Temple and it says like a visitor main office in in Blade Glen blade Glen
and it says like this is not this is like a side quest is not really it’s not what my what my whistle if you’re if you’re looking for an ending I could I could find them
I’ve been wandering around 10:40 I know that’s what I’m saying is like end of time when for them there been exercising for an hour, I just it’s all good and I don’t care if you walk out of wherever you were are you I’m in the Town Square exercising you might you might see me there but he was going to the shop so I can retroactively say I made it a point to go find these guys right there dressed like clowns they’re doing aerobic center of the Jasper I’m cycling up because I was trying to convey to his shity week coming up next to them and looking not making eye contact with them and spice tile and kind of gun like
blessings blessings to you my brother in the Church of the silver flame
that’s good I must be the fruit is an interesting town and what one might encounter all kinds of two characters one looks around to look at week we ran to a guild guy is a Gil Noam Jimenez clothing
all right are you thinking what we’re thinking that next time we do things in this town ships going to get crazy and we may as well do them together okay to get episode hippocrate fucking of a serve
probably one of the best episodes you’ve ever done
call Jenn Kim
giraffe crap I got giraffe facts I looked up your ass what you think about that rock catching everybody was there for a donkey rescue our new episodes coming out next week Spencer Christian is a game master set Richardson Kevin and Christie’s Tara and Zach and everybody here Nolan I’m your comptroller Jeff Davis
and that is your mayor Dan flavor. Harmon
sorry that episode was about it gorged with large clitorises
that you got me someplace better
you’re a frappe from give it to ref backed him up we don’t want another giraffe wear slacks or not I’ll put my giraffes attack some little honey you look more like your rat packs for the Eagles shapes on their butts and they walk around the front legs are longer than that back and you know why because they don’t give a shit about being in your crack in your mouth if you want them if you don’t want to fucking your ass but you don’t got to get over here I want to lift up my mess up my rear end. Your mouth see how it tastes and you know what if you like how it seems to come back to my place I’ll fuck you or you fuck me look I’m a giraffe or covered in pee tape real freaky I was stuck the alligator and then she got leaky alligators alligators losing control
have the last laugh you want to fuck with a giraffe I’ll give you a giraffe slap I slap you with my hook. Get on top of the roof like 10 because I’m a Chimney Cap stuck you with the wolf
long long neck
looking for leaves looking for dudes is looking for you I’m looking for the tallest trees that’s what my next so long check out these nuts
got your ass got titties to a giraffe
and they’re not hierarchical
and my tongue is prehensile
what time does prehensile
I put your ass to
I’m not even to get into the pool
who are you you know it’s true
true love of the giraffe. Poop
Drive fastest in Kansas


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