Episode: 288 – 288: The Roadhouse Jews

Episode

Episode: 288 – 288: The Roadhouse Jews

Description

In our final episode at the Starburns Castle before moving to our new home, we welcome actor and fellow Podcaster Johnny Pemberton. Dan & Jeff’s hot button issues this week include squeakers, cold cases, Kanye and the logistics of a human centipede. Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis, Spencer Crittenden, Johnny Pemberton and Steve Levy.

Transcript

when’s the next album coming out
Vlogs in Dubai PMS
settle down USA the mayor of the broom to the mop to clean your mama’s pussy till I hit the top of the engineering industry I’m a custodian Bill Cosby Missouri I started at the bottom now I’m going to the top because of the aforementioned mop I’m going to fuck your mama music rap
all right stop it stop the goddamn music on it from everybody our friend Rob Church yeah when is that coming out that album right now tonight
get at Best Buy
that’s something to look forward to. It’s about his own Maniac High anxieties and weird cathexis and it’s a beautifully written and wonderfully Dan I watched you record a piece on it was very good yeah as fun as he worked very hard on that I guess you know it probably don’t know you are supposed to tell people you worked hard on your rap album rappers work hard on their albums yeah yeah he worked very hard on it he took it very seriously
and I think it’s I think it’s very impressive to be talked into doing it cuz he’s like I don’t want to do a white guy comedy rap album he’s he’s right to have this anxiety but the truth is he’s so good like as I was like just do it like like yeah you’re right it’s like probably it’s it’s objectively on paper it’s it’s a it’s a corny concept but so is jumping over at a high pole at the Olympics it’s like oh I’m going to do that again like yeah I just do it how do you pick pole vault yeah I don’t know it’s weird isn’t it cuz if they’re not they’re jumping what they’re doing it with the with the with a big stick of the jumpy sticks your hand I can get some tail you figure figure out how man and going I mean let’s face it really what what what Olympic activities do we even do we even approve of like like maybe like running
Lions good swimming I guess swimming in life to swim fast is a team like what causes in Life or is it about this I did what I could never figure out the Olympic rhetoric that I never understood is this idea of like oh it’s about Nations coming together and then it but then it’s also at the exact same times it’s about Nations coming together it’s about it’s about it’s about proving which country can be better and it and up and about the and about the potential of the human potential how quickly you can bankrupt a city or a country like building a bunch of stadia that are never going to be used again I mean what if what if you drafted your team in the Olympics like you got all the skiers and then like you had it like you know each each country got till I get like everyone else is in the winter
for the ski and shoot because that’s some real shit will dance what calls into question the whole Endeavor of Olympics because it’s like why not fucking chess if you can ski and shoot is like a sports if you are Scandinavian like a homeless person with a gun like you used to be around not die and then kill your food and and carry your gun on your back like like that that’s like some hunting yeah I mean I think the Olympics are a little silly at this point right we are as you can you do try to kill other people for most of the game I keep finding myself in situations where I am in my underwear with with with a little cap on my head and and you want to hold a ball above your head high I want to throw a ball through a small nap but there’s never anybody else there to pass it to right that’s what this satisfies me about my driver
not tonight’s driver but whoever my previous driver was cuz it brings up the thing it says what did you think about so-and-so I believe my last drivers cuz I just clicked through but I think my last driver’s name was Zeus Jolla how do you spell that you ass hola who’s Jolla I tipped him out $20 cuz I was like this guy’s life is a mess
you can be a famous baseball player named Pujols and you’re fine yeah you got to get good at something yep yep and he just named I went to the I went to the
I’ll talk about that later probably was too that’s too too too thick to stick right to stick a cut of beef not as I need something lighter a guy that looks so much like Spencer I was out with one of those are you trying like are you a big fan and it looked like somebody who is dedicated efforts to look like that’s where was he at juice place you should have said if he wants to really pull up the new true-crime show
call The Cold Justice and it’s like a very unusual show because it’s we’re all familiar with cold cases now the appeal of those well this is this this crime has been solved yet easy to women
and they they go from town to Town the whole thing has this very uplifting mood to it because these women come to your town and solve your Cold Case for you sure it’s just like it’s just did on this side of like it just feels more like a home improvement show like I get a hat in the music and the editing of it I like that they roll in and they’re like they’re like so Tiffany Johnson got sexually assaulted and murdered ten years ago and they can’t figure out who it is here’s the police that could figure out who is Hi how are you and then they go to the family who have been unable to have closure for 10 years of a chat with them but they’re very upbeat and they’re doing bits not in front of the family but it’s like going to watch the show
try to create this whole feeling of camaraderie cuz they’re working with the cops are there like we’re driving to the penitentiary we’re going to talk to Ringo anything you anything you guys wanted to say. If you could just get them to say that he killed Tiffany Johnson. I wish I always get there early do I check in with the greedy aggrieved family members of the end it’s like it just feels very much like one of those shows were remodel your kitchen if they murdered your daughter said years ago it was the mailman you were right justice system said it wasn’t the mailman but you did what you were right
you know I thought it was amazing I mean it’s a good show but it really was tasteless when there are like you know we’re about to reveal the killer move that truck and then he’s like The Killers behind the truck which show is that is it called move that truck now it’s a it’s a great joke everyone loved it. It’s about cold cases to but make it look real sexy by the end of this called in for my cold case they put they put in aquarium in someone’s coffin cupcakes
I’ll wait an hour and a half every time they come on the show they saw the case why aren’t they the most famous detectives in the world cases are all of that cold I think it’s it feels to me like her exactly they’re just taking the budget and time that a television show affords them you didn’t you discipline government doesn’t afford its victims because it cost $500,000 and Forty-Eight Hours to to to detect semen a little better like you act like you know there’s a dollar cost of the stuff you know the black people get murdered in like they don’t fucking send David Caruso into a fucking you know backlight Lab look like the pressing that it’s so easy to impact Justice that you could be like we got a TV show we’re going to come in and fund the government on a
take the time not everyone turns out to be innocent but holy crap League like to make yourself a cocktail I like working at Portia do you need to handle either way you should why can’t it be both right
all right speaking of perfect world’s I told you this a thousand times right that I went to the doctor and he was I was worried about my testicles and getting to that age I thought maybe I felt something and then the doctor doctors like well do you want me to tell her to feel ya I like make me feel better I came here for myself like I started touching my nipple I reached up no no no I thought I was just making sure I just making sure I talked about that goddamn Arnett has been seen in all media just like everyone else because the world is now a a hive mind in which everyone has an equal chance to cause a riot in Tunisia or die in obscurity it really doesn’t matter if a means nothing
if you’re if you like nice interesting good kids with hearts of gold and mines like a labyrinth do you like our friend Duncan Trussell this guy rules in that crew you know I call him the pemberton’s please welcome Johnny Pemberton to my dad
sorry we didn’t really explain anything to you you know what’s happening right now using all the mic wasn’t specified I want to make a mistake cuz we only had one guests lined up but you could actually fill in for 3 guess right now what do you want me to do. You might already be bring some clips from your new show pemberton’s things episode episode 2 is the best that’s got a lot of new with God I know Patrick Harris and David Alan Grier you guys go skiing right now it’s like a thing with wheels that will skiing type thing in the click click
what’s going on out here I’m David Alan Grier I shouldn’t have been skiing in the first place not out of mud I’m Neil Patrick Harris
I’m special guest Neil deGrasse Tyson hey Neil how does all this work Neil deGrasse Tyson I just got killed by a tree don’t ask me to Space & Beyond
wow so is it kind of is it a half hour or is it that was all live action with live-action everything is Compton they do it like a thing where they sell composite shots go to the city this time we’re taking the drawings of Caroline made you never saw and we’re showing them to Caroline in the city right it’s about her getting there before she got there a Chuck Lorre show right that’s the real pitch
Chuck Lorre at that some thing I think I met him I think I met him at 2 Eric idle did the dick the dick show I think he was there
how about Dick anyway I asked him
like is there something you what it what it what is it that you want what the fuck dude what do you say he said he said well actually I want what you what you have I want to do I’d love to do a single-camera show that’s you know that’s it I was waiting for him to say that is a critical darling and is very well-crafted but he really just was talking about medium I’d like to do what you do I’d like to just work let’s camera’s yeah just live cameras and have more time to edit
it does sound nice nobody wants to do single cameras if you can do a multi-camera sing the hours are way better and cheaper I think maybe he has a creative ambition that’s not being maybe maybe that’s maybe that’s all that’s left once you’ve conquered the
the medium you know you got like okay but what what would I what hat what can’t I do I’m going to do that I guess I would retire I would not do it I’m not going to I didn’t think for a little bit like maybe I’ll do multicam but then I tried it I sucked at it and I wasn’t like oh that means it’s important to do I was like I’ll do it again I can’t watch it or make it
now I have to figure out a different way to get the fuck out of this business
what about supplements I don’t think those money so if you go to forhims.com you can get supplements you can help us make money by putting in the the code
direction we could prevent you from going bald right and that’ll make you money because the world loves hair and they’re willing to pay for it and India can we get it from there
Waco’s before we get it from if we’re coming in from the right we’re going bald and they’re giving us the new Pemberton anyting I don’t know man just moving through physical space on a daily basis would you think it was at Royal Wedding I know that you’re a big Royal Watcher Pages CNN cuz I’m as I look like a CNN just as a default like is a time-waster kind of like I just click CNN to look at it and the entire front page of seeing it was real wedding tire patch above the fold was all nothing but seeing that nothing but real wedding. I think was happening dying but her getting married like it was a royal wedding that everyone really cared about cuz she was that was the 80s version of being black was that she was just like from fucking
get me or something people think she was from Warwickshire
she was she was on Trent that was that was unacceptable back that because it was originally called some Spanish princess with bang and one of the Royals but she was in front of the Casteel and nobody that live there wanted to say that talking in phone to the Elephant & Castle that smart just called blubberhouses in Britain who ever has his lover how are the Brits I’m sure the answer is bad I mean whatever it is it is it is it is it bad I hear they’re sitting right there but I see there’s a double brexit
double brexit
but you’re supposed to be helping them when you poop on an englishman’s chest rest but I don’t know anything about her I I just I heard I heard like I really was on suits she was a co-worker of Jeff I was I was on a show that she was in overshadowed by the fact that she’s cuz of people keep saying bi-racial she’s biracial spoken and her style doesn’t go there. She doesn’t play that she was certainly not play that no more so she could she will go home I mean she may do that
I could say I can’t understand getting excited about royalty however I guess the one thing to get excited about it would be I guess it’s like NASCAR like you you could stay all day watching all you want but you you’re waiting for someone to die right otherwise you’re saying you like to watch cars driving a circle so like you’re watching the Royal the Twee Twee Twee we get Royal fever when there’s a wreck when there’s something is happening like who is the Fergie lady did she what did she sleep with a plumber or something and then realized what was the king that slept with Wallis Simpson that was a big thing here The Advocate the throne and what not and they lived in a boat
you’re not really allowed to do anything right like you can go visit their hat and under plexiglass the crown what is the American it’s a it’s a hat and the line was longer than the Indiana Jones ride and die why we I walked up and it was like it was a hat under glass with like I can’t tell the difference be real jewels in like like to see the Kohinoor the mountain of light that speaking of Indian things that we stole and you got there it’s not even the fucking real flim-flam because that keeps getting taken so that’s how you goes you stand in line to go look at the crown jewels are you looking at the bunch of bullshit and since the world is ending in it and there’s no reward for being cultured anywhere
at that place that that castle whatever you call it the the the the English Cat Castle and Beckett Beckinsale married the queen balloon. Every night you’re always scratches or ours because in 1216 an affair with the Duke of Kensington gone quite a stir in the body is like this shit happen like so long ago that it’s a it’s not even if they didn’t even have paper lately but you’re just saying some shit like ghost stories they used to kind of like I can’t access that stuff I’m like I’m like I don’t know what anything older than 200 years could possibly be like because if we believed it if we valued their stuff in America that we’d have to stop to slavery lead to be like all the other and see each other to be
always looking forward to that guy isn’t like this beat Southern tourist attractions like a bishop who is museums are like the alligators alligators Museum what was down beat
the Oakland Cemetery in Atlanta Georgia and Bobby Jones and Margaret Mitchell
what’s the Slavery movie Gone With the Wind
give me some romantic and dead Confederate soldiers and lot of them you know I have my name this is pretty rough around 2 or anything went to the Anne Frank house that’s a that’s a kick in the pants is it’s a lot of laughs I was there I don’t know what date you say I would have these steep stairs and then there’s like there’s shit printed out on Wikipedia and taped to the walls that you can read As you move through the taped to the walls
Boston it was kind of cool cuz they have that’s that’s what a fireplace looks like a fear that was the one thing that I fight and I was so into it we went to Al Capone Hideout somewhere in northern Wisconsin me and my family and I was like all the hallways were tiny I always thought that museums when they when they showed like the recreation of the places in museums that they were just saving money like there are making it like .8 scale or something that’s like use West Lumber but like I guess people they didn’t have any vitamin so they were just like little hobbit at 5 to Adele Capone’s just like he just looked big compared to all the other little tiny people and they had little their planes were small and their their beer bottles were small and the comedy shows we played a lot of old heaters and they’re all built by tiny people like you can bump your head on everything it’s kind of things
the clip for the pal clip or the whatever you called pocket
put on active object permanence I can’t fight that I break him immediately I do that I feel like there’s a lot of American hope culture that’s wrapped up in like a historical nsor whatever like an intentional misreading or misunderstanding that history is really weird I mean I don’t know it’s just like cuz America start in 1776 it’s like we’ve been we’ve barely been around and most of that time like civil rights having existed but we go I like oh yeah it was so long ago this stuff happened it’s like no it happened when my mom was alive like there’s a before-and-after it’s like really crazy about the Golem you know the Golem like this mythical a Golem like a homunculus are Chimera the Golem Legend only goes back to like late 1700 what was the city of the golden was supposed to be in like was it like
I think it was in some Spanish City or maybe like a giant it was it was a clay monster made made made by a Jew Jewish people to protect magic yeah we are not the city the people because apparently was a huge thing back then to pretend that Jewish people were behind blood sacrifices and so you’d kill a body you kill a child and then hide it in someone’s like a Jewish person basement and call the police and I think this Jewish person just sucked all the blood out of this child and then they go and they be like will clearly this happened and we were all over here prod haven’t brought in. We have like we have a thousand Witnesses and to take me to community and we’re peaceful people and then and then we go like what you probably use one of them knows the other way so they would like the Golems were to like tell people not to like don’t hide a body here will ya do you like that please don’t hide a body put the body back where it came from
put the body but he did one of the things you did yeah I can get it right McLean you just dissolved in a straight line so they cross themselves may become a federal crime just by existing for the first time it be like
Roscoe P Coltrain where is Lakewood Hillcrest in the Chickasaw County in the Wayne Roscoe P coletrane was the name of the Jefferson Davis hog if you don’t think I got teased elementary school so I went I went to the I went to the Turner up front cuz I’m part of the Turner family and and is really funny cuz I was there a couple years ago I was there for the one that was before the elections and I remember at that one cuz remember we had
Alia shawkat on shortly after that we both just see each other in New York which is why she was on the show we were at the trailer up front and we were talking about how weird it was how much they were selling that the election was going to be a squeaker which was extra extra funny this year because they were like it was like Wolf Blitzer couldn’t be found in the building like that last time he was like front and center and was like promising these sponsors like folks like like the barely unspoken but practically spoken message was hey Colgate Nike X whatever whoever is here like don’t be thinking that Hillary’s got this in the bag like this is going to be a fucking barn burner trays of the like all of our research shows it’s going to be a speaker to the they’re selling a television show called the news that hasn’t happened yet
so then this year they come out like I missed I missed a year probably it but then towards the end and then they run this thing that’s like this like poetry piece that’s like about like what if everyone started calling apples bananas and then there is like one girl who knows an apple is an apple or something like that and it’s and it’s but it’s mostly just like visual stuff and then I said understated like title it says like the truth is more important than ever right now
how’d that happen who created that fucking Marketplace ya the truth pretty valuable right now like it’s crazy how foggy it got there for a while remember the squeaker you packed it’s crazy how they keep paying people to come on their own channel and say these are oranges these are already these are oranges give me money company saying it’s too it’s not they’re not supposed to say that please please pay us $500,000 for 30 second during kellyanne Conway like spitting saliva into the camera and saying that the president’s dick is big so that Anderson Cooper can roll his eyes out at because the truth is more important than ever right now thanks it’s it’s pretty big that cannon on the slide it’s super wide not very long so it’s in high school that called him trash can lids
like you can’t like he can please like 11 school kids by spinning it so I like like like that and it’s not even against the law cuz it’s technically Zona balazs playground equipment do things you sit on you can do it by the porn industry is being like a snapper we can spend all the way to till the end
yeah I got a huge dent in my head where that where they I hit my head in in in New York in like that’s the shingles yes you do know it wasn’t it wasn’t shingles it was a wound and then I hate to die so I don’t I’m not a big fan of using the word scab but like I got to use it strong the scab the scab different people are squeamish about different stuff Anatomy scams are kind of gross of people talk about a lot but there’s no way around it this time I had a big scab on my head and it came away but when it came with the even though there wasn’t the words for like a scab come off when I got the head wound it wasn’t it it didn’t it wasn’t actively bleeding it would but then it turned into this big scab and then when the scab came away there’s a divot now where the
cab was it’s like we’re the scat the scab was thinking like he’ll my head but then just collapsed my scalp like like where the wound wasn’t started working on the flight back up and then maybe I picked the scab too much and then they’re like there’s no flesh up there there were two to move it’s right there is there’s nothing up there but you might have to my head disease disease could be more Morgellons or Morgellons is it more if you have more gallons you can say whatever you want like gang stalking stalking the disease
Morgellons disease what is gang stalking is when you think a bunch of people are stalking you all the time when you go on Coast to Coast a.m. and talk about it every night okay yeah you’re right that’s gang stalking in Morgellons disease when you think the aliens have put fiber is in your bodies are growing out of your skin that colorful fibers because you’ve been experimented by the government and the Gang stocks there’s they stalk you because the government trying to keep track of you so you don’t report it to CNN tour the Coast to Coast AM the people people that now that we live in this world where were like like there’s people who are using the woke language right to defend basically what 10 years ago we were we all just recognize this like you need to help like like like in terms of like mental illness I keep it as a person who has radio
coming through his his teeth feeling right so you can’t tell me that I I don’t like you you can’t call me crazy that’s a fence which is which is very interesting because it’s like yep you got us you fucking got us I think that’s Jordan always and forever though it’s kind of like I said Art Bell was like he would just open the lines go like I want to hear from Time Travelers now I hear you’re the Antichrist mean you think he’s about to call mind goes what color was the spaceship to like Southern guys I picture of both is looking like Charlie Daniels or like like Johnny Paycheck
find Southern Sound a gentleman they say they raise each other about whether or not to do their their wife is got him whipped her how they’re remodeling their kitchen and they’re not they’re not all the way like yeah they’re not they’re they’re like in the like Bigfoot and like Dogman and like like all the rights to them they’ll just read if you just write to seven say these letters expanded perspectives I am a truck driver that was going down Highway 5 and I have a story to tell you oh boy that sounds good of a giant lizard man on the side of the road watch no face-to-face with a
dinosaur hybrid
it’s all of them and they and they was getting a better they really as bad as yes and everybody who writes in but then then sometimes the kind of inexplicably skeptical I don’t know if that really happened but that’s quite a story maybe it’s the writing style to get some sometimes brainstorm green needle ships I heard it someone explain it to me too in a way that was like that’s not fun here’s another way that’s not fun that like you you see that commercial that with the guys like stop the cash box and then it’s like it’s rock the cat box or something and it’s like yeah they’re doing Rock the Casbah and they’re all getting the lyrics wrong it’s like people have been hearing the wrong sounds forever I thought Michael Stipe had a list for 12 years right
are you talking about the Laurel yanny jazz in your head or think the word okay
and there’s one right answer hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, no limits is that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes would like to my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest film nerdiest Phil married like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Black Cinema with Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
I just don’t like all these people to try to act like they hear yanny
okay well that’s
I’m proud to say I hear neither that sounds like a laser
I hear what I think man I thought I told him what I think he’s not looking at it’s crazy I just took the Acoustics aren’t ideal for the rain puts a broken oven to like very low frequencies and very high frequencies so you when you pick one you were telling him I want to hear the high frequency which is green needles are higher register found them brains from a video clip as well most of us probably did have a guy like using his little sound app to like move the frequencies and demonstrate but he was only demonstrating for me is that all I ever hear is Laurel like I look like her but isn’t it probably like people hearing different
right but that’s that’s a bright like that’s all not because that’s the thing the fact is it did say Laurel the fact is that did say brainstorm it does in certain circumstances State sound green needle and that’s been that’s an accurate perception but it’s an accurate accurate perception of reality you know that’s the thing where are brains are as simply making snap quick decisions like he’s already gone wrong about stuff there there’s always been people that are convinced of something wrong like we shouldn’t pretend that they’re right just because they feel like they’re right now they’re wrong that blue dress gold rush it I never understood let him think that somehow butcher brightness is at it doesn’t matter is an empirical color of the actual dress in the world but the picture is subject to contact I want to listen or anything in the in Atlanta and I’m vegetarian and I wanted vegetarian biscuits and gravy and they’re like all of our gravy was vegetarian but they don’t kind of want that out
why won’t you can make this is very helpful if you can’t do that true crime show where the guy everything came down to what was in the guys stomach because if he if he if he had gone anywhere else since the restaurant where he supposedly had breakfast then I don’t know it’s at someone else killed him other than his ex-wife or whatever but it became very important like where he had eaten and it cuz he had onions in his stomach and it was like he always orders that the hash browns with no onions and we don’t put hash browns in our onions at the diner and let endlich the case goes cold and likes because because it doesn’t say onions on the menu in the hash browns on the did the guys that I’ve been working here ten years I’ve never put onions and a half price and then and then the whole thing gets resolved of what the cop is like you know what I’m just going to go over there and watch him make the hash browns
why is like mixing all the fucking food to give it has onions everywhere there’s onions on the fucking spatula yeah so there was an onion in his stomach 10 years the fucking Forensic Files I don’t know what it was all I know is the justices is not it’s it doesn’t it’s the it’s not helping was blind in a bad way it turns out the bad guys the bad guys get away with a lot and yet I know that if I tried to commit a crime tomorrow the same for the same reason that I’ve never would I would fail I would get caught immediately that’s all about dog hair
I want to be a good thing these days that’s the thing is that I have a dog here over all over me all the time I constantly have covered in dog hair if you have a most people have dogs allowed to have dogs or cat and that seems to be like never factors in like he’s recovered I can’t get away I can’t get the dog out. How come everybody doesn’t always have dog hair all over the people are constantly caught doing things in Forensic Files or Cold Case shows because well this is clearly your dog’s hair has dog hair found on the scene of a crime and you have this orange dog or whatever they do DNA for dogs but bare feet
Almost Got Away With It all the time because there’s a good crazy as people there when I go I really want I like sexually assault this person but I didn’t bring any gloves I’m going to put my shoe on my head use it as a hat and it’s like almost get away with it but then they like slip on a hamburger bun and then like a hamburger bun expert and spend six million dollars like reconstructing his toe with an anthropologist or something like like like those guys almost get away with it which means a bunch of them do
Forensic Files are about the Unlucky criminals if I got out of boats you commit a crime ever committed the crime of elitism and like like like hating the porch or something that you don’t like Nicole crime was like thinking I’m above other people and then I allowed to like maybe I maybe I would like dressed as a woman to escape the Titanic that kind of thing I could see myself doing something incredibly cowardly lately good I can I get if I was a soldier at War I could see myself maybe like digging a tunnel and hiding Farm underneath the ground and waiting for the war to be over something like that like crying like that Nazi collaborator pulled over right out right off the bat and not because I’m a hero but because there’s lines I got I just like I wouldn’t I would the lazier it’s hard to be it’s like I wouldn’t I would be like fucking kill me
show me fast I’m not going to fucking live a life as a fucking background actor in Schindler’s List like lick lick lick the Boy Scouts for 6 weeks and I was like there’s no bicycle Rodeo Is Here Charlie Brown live in that commercial is fucking this is that was too fast for me I can’t fucking toe that line I am I am saying you’re a fascist I’m saying that you they would they would have your number right off the bat they would kill me like I would be like just kill me you’re not season I’m never going to I’ll fuck it all as I have enough to do it I know but they’re not going to give me anything that I’m going to want you and get you to work for him but I can’t imagine that happening like to get them something they want they don’t they don’t need any might turn into Jews under my floor board certainly I wouldn’t do that because it’s tacky to assign yourself that that like a hero to me and I never do that
stress to do it after the election is because I do feel that in my heart of hearts that push it push does come to that kind of shove some fucking like thing in me is going to take it to that place and I’m not going to I’m going to die for those people under my floor boards because I’m because it won’t be because I’m like a good person as much as it’ll be because I’m like like women by anxiety and guilt and shame in like I’ll just like fucking take it all the way and I don’t I don’t want to do that so please can we unelected this Nazi before shitt gets dramatic
but I but I also recognize that I can’t say that I would have courage in the face of anything like that I’m a coward and because I’m a coward like I think that I would rather die than allow a Nazi to have their way late because I’m a I’m a chickenshit so I’m so dedicated to cowardice that I’m like we can’t have we can have this nasty business going on you got it yeah I’m going to have to poison you with my tea and then I’m going to blow my brains out thank you. Maybe if I can get close to Hitler I’m going to eat a grenade every is fear-based as well

different people I think I think I think bravery is like intelligence like there’s different kinds of it I think there are some people who are like well I would never ever ever do what you did and it’s like this thing that you consider dumb you know like like I mean a lot of people have stage fright as a stupid example but I’m reading all these spy novels recently liked the stuff is all the stuff that they call in like Talent spotters would like they go out and like I heard your podcast right I overheard you at the bar or somebody that we absolutely could use to be a mall or defect from your home country and work for us I’m in well I’m glad to hear you admitting that you would yeah they would come at you through your fashion sense they would be late cuz you’d be like these Nazis they they got pretty uniforms like you used to leave value a nice shoe horn or what
were you people think about that might be how they got you could be like mr. Davis don’t she would do you not agree that these mud people have no I’m going to work today I’m not going to work for the Nazis because they’re well dressed but the British or the Americans could have hired me to go infiltrate the Nazis because I could I could pull out the obvious we would all apps to be a British spy in the in the event of a French spy personally but easier work right now mostly Yelp reviews German restaurant you pick it doesn’t ever acted like I know everything about it because you’re not conceited just convinced you’re like oh
in this special episode like like you know they’ll do an X-Files where it’s like it’s a black-and-white episode and it’s aboard the Titanic and there’s Nazis has stuff like in the special episode of Our Lives where there’s a Nazi take over like you’re like oh I just end up being a double agent cuz I’d be really really suited to that task like yeah okay like
what if you can get it where do I find most of us are going to end up being that guy in the beginning of Inglourious Basterds where it’s like you have you have your daughter’s in your pile of firewood and a glass of milk and you got a fucking choice to make and what was the slip up and then I forget he just he caves what do you mean what’s a slip-up how did Dave Mirra calls himself is like it’s it’s it’s establishing with this guy is so so he’s so intense that that he doesn’t even need to do the shift from Schindler’s List in order to get you to like his Nazism is like so fuck is like a fucking Darth Vader power that like like like this guy that you just the idiots Leanne intimately like like we his brain into this guy and then it’s just like just just all you have to do is just move your eyes differently and we’ll take care of everything and then
I think I must have just gone to the bathroom or something at that part I miss the eye movement
did they say when they are from my zero knowledge of spycraft and All That Jazz win easily find timid people like leave it like it was a spy that knows something that might work for Disney people who work for Disney or that way try people who work for Disney the company Disney they find timid people yeah pretty much I will be very nice but also very Meek I think it’s the thing that actively seek out people who are like very like 10 million meek and they make they make great Disneyland place
I worked there for a while I guess you’re right you did your heart Jeff your heart I was too hard I couldn’t couldn’t fucken do it I’m swinging dick but but
late 90s what did you do there when they were getting rid of the electric of the Main Street Electrical Parade they brought it back and take a week like I mean it was a what is a parade without a little bit of a footprint
it’s all sweet you should stand there and just photosynthesize that’s not a parade on the Parade route and then did you do milk melt bubble through your land for like a decade. I was there like two different you had that and then it stopped the need to go back to fall out I have a polyp on my vocal fold I agree pretty gross like a marble in my you get removed
you’re going to do surgery on that is very very dangerous cuz if you see if it’s cars and you never talk or see me again I’ll tell you who I’m not going to be the March Violets that you told me about it he could see shades of that happening with the when Kanye lost his grip a little bit and then but it wasn’t him that was disturbing cuz he’s Kanye it was it was it was his wife the missus Kardashian who is she was defending her husband rather gallantly like she should be part of her defense of him was like a little cinematically arranged around this idea that like I’m paraphrasing but I got a message from her that like you know what year from now you’re all going to be into this you know it was like I was like that’s exactly what we’re bummed out about it like he had no shit lately good called fuking Mark call the fucking cool I like I I yeah that’s why we don’t we’re not enjoying it
do we have your permission I’d enjoy it lately it’s not all like this is like the fucking cerulean blue
I’d like you know that is violent or violent violent for the flower okay so if you had a really low all about get this fucking guy out of here they were given a little bit of a amnesty especially the rich people that number and if you were like a really long like late later day number you joined in the forties they played really good chance that we have to build before you didn’t realize that it was that people would die and there was a lot of like like black market trading as I can I get your bike I kill this guy and I’m going to take it party member so it’ll look like I joined in 1938 and not 1944 going to happen like it’s get it except is going to be like services that wipe out your Twitter feed
Kim Kardashian was was defending Kanye
which I want to be sympathetic to her because obviously I think I I mean like I like Humanity if you love your husband and Bubba blah I like I know that there’s a lot of well-intended controversy about the stuff because it comes down to the issues that I find actually appealingly human because there are some people are like mental health issues and all the stuff like it’s good let’s all have that conversation that’s all go round and round but so I’m not begging anybody for like for for for for shouting at a throng of peasants you know stop judging my husband that’s a bad bad that’s just an expression of love I’m not judging anybody for that and it or is it like I’m just saying that while she was doing that there were a couple things that she said that kind of just like like part of her defense of him was like you know he’s always been ahead of the Curve
you know that you like like like people always make fun of him for it you know it wasn’t it wasn’t it wasn’t all the way that but it was like there was just enough of a taste of it that I was just like that’s exactly what that’s exactly what what I’m afraid you’re right about she got me right she might she might be I mean to lead the charge against the fascist cool they’re going to fucking flip it as soon as the front stopped holding they’re going to be like okay how do I keep my house I love I love is line where he said
poopity poopity scoopity I hadn’t considered that angle what he’s trying to say is when you see poop you should joyfully pick it up we should poopity scoopity you shouldn’t do anything I think it’s all sort of publicity smokescreen he’s trying to escape the fact that he use poopity scoopity in a song I don’t think that he gives a shit about Trump at all whether I certainly will agree with you there I mean there’s no there’s absolutely no question that he has not a single thought in his head about foreign policy right that’s a little different from saying that he’s fucking he has a beef with Obama and Obama Obama because Obama came out
super West Coast something like calling Kanye a jackass and so like I think Kanye took a really personally being a jackass and so he’s like you know fuck you and then then it comes without saying like what did Obama do for Chicago and that’s just you know he’s just trying to be a douche and so Trump is saying the same thing is like yeah that’s what I’m talking about we hate this guy in his defense if we were ever going to take anything the President says personally it should be him calling you a jacket take a little person might change your life not you should be like the president he’s the one that’s wrong and trumps offense black billionaire rappers employment is way up anyways
yeah I like we’re going to get desensitized that concept to it’s like oh did you hear Bruce Willis like he fucking flipped and whatever it’s like yeah of course there was the rich people are going to flip before the people that are going to die in pain to pick up and going anywhere you want to go away until the same thing you like left the interview with Katie Couric years ago saying the same thing as basil like I said I’m a very wealthy man and I wouldn’t be wealthy if racism was that big a deal in America and he says it in a way he was like kind of calling out the black lives matter movement stated that we support it cuz she asked me about that
I know the problem is that we
is that kind of like a like a like a Senator John coming in from jogging and going like it seems pretty cold out there today global warming my foot and I like experiencing racism you have to you have you you experienced racism or you see it somewhere and you have to make decision either this is wrong and unjust or somehow I’m doing my thing right and other people just messed up and that’s why I haven’t failed is because it’s yeah because I got lucky it was because I did something right yeah I don’t know why people do that too is that because that’s it that’s it that’s it that’s it I wish we don’t want that to be different about us and that we that we missed our job as the idea of individual choice and that we believe in the mythology of like you you have that your choices make you who you are we certainly don’t want to abandon that God knows it’s sometimes kind of relaxing to to just to abandon it and God knows it
it it does not apply so much that you that your unhappiness is your own fault but it is nice that we go that it’s it’s it’s like I think it’s unlikely global warming example if you’re a rich rapper and you go well I must have done something right right like like like like you want that person thinking that way because you don’t want them thinking well I won the lottery I’m not talented at all I didn’t do anything I didn’t make good choices I should know I’m just hanging out and doing nothing like we don’t want we don’t want us thinking that way we want us to think you know I got out of bed and I did something and because I did it this way instead of that way now I’m a billionaire we like that mythology yeah it’d be nice if we fucking supported it with a middle-class economy that didn’t reward you for being born rich more than people get rewarded for
earning money right exactly cuz that’s the thing it’s like it’s not like that’s not true it’s there’s also this layer that obscures everything and makes it a bit more complicated so you can’t say no that’s an entirely false premise that does not exist on Planet Earth it’s like there’s that and there’s also this thing that I was talking about you know that’s still a factor I don’t know it’s a shame because like that’s examples like somebody saying something incredibly provocative that’s going to put them in this Crossfire but really what they’re doing is is a little bit healthier than than a lot of stuff because at least they’re using their I statements like they’re they’re they’re saying we’ll all I know is this is what this is my experience it gets kind of Insidious because it gets into what they call I think respectability politics which is basically you have to shut up and deal with black on black crime or anything before you’re allowed to make any political Club Lake which is just a freaking Edition on political argument that doesn’t exist for any other race like no one has ever been to like you have to solve all your problems before you can say taxes should be different you know it’s like it’s fun to
mentally this thing that says you’re not allowed to talk about this and that’s what’s kind of what’s Insidious it was when it builds into that narrative but if somebody talks about the wealth distribution in their red so you got like oh you’re Richie can’t talk about it I don’t think you should give all your money away then talk about the strawman thing what’s it called when you talk about this is so bad but I know but this is worse it’s kind of like a struggle Hawk propter hoc if this there for that because it’s like saying it’s saying you’re wrong because you’re not adhering to this my height and version of it that you never said so it’s kind of strawberry if an oligarch says something like I don’t see
why we’re spending the tax money repairing these potholes on Martin Luther King Boulevard then somebody might shame them by going you don’t live in that neighborhood or I’m running for Senator of this district and they got like you’ve never you were born in in this place and it’s like that that gets successfully and rightfully used against like the bad guy sometimes and then but then someone goes I think prison reform should be a thing and then someone goes like you haven’t been to prison right yeah I don’t want to wait until I get there you are politics is like trying to entertain these bad faith like obstacles to even being allowed to talk politically it’s like you have to clear all these hurdles before they’ll even let you speak and it’s like well no that’s not that’s not how it works but you have to choose to like cut through it rather than like play by those rules and so it gets all fucked up Greyhound stations in rich neighborhoods
beg that be great yeah I could see that and Bellaire cuz that’s how that fire started
I saw this I want of that I said if Brian is the story about this guy I like
he’s the judge this New York chief judge who spent like
half is Lifetime like her ringing this woman who he was he was in charge of her trust and because he said he was like he’s doing this whole fucked up weird say he was like stalking her and fucking with her I’ll stuff and then he got busted doing it and then he went to prison but he wrote a book while he was in prison about how crazy it is to be a judge that gets caught being a fucking criminal and then so then when he got out of prison and he was the best-selling author and then he’d be they welcomed him back into the the the whatever the fuck he could still hang out at the Country Club and all the stuff in the end of the woman’s life was ruined it stuff is like and then they played a clip of him being on Larry King or something and he yeah after all of this and now he was making his millions on his book about how how much he’s learned about it’s like you know meditations on how how nutty it is to be a judge and then me in prison and then be a best-selling author like by me
a n n a book called how do I learn how to make a prison belt and Larry Larry King goes like so you but you did you did terrible things you did some you you you you you ruined This Woman’s life at and I got absolutely I mean it’s what I did there’s no there’s no excuse for it you know you you find yourself doing this thing and you you you you do this and then you do that you do that I was like I was like because I’ve been in therapy mm like like like it like that you that you say no that Royal you it’s it’s like it’s like I do that all the time I know that seems like a non-sequitur but it’s like it’s like what we’re doing when we talk about politics like we’ve constantly like tap-dancing between like we don’t want intimacy
we don’t want to just be vulnerable and ride cuz we might end up saying something that’s that’s not very fashionable and actually gets Tomatoes thrown at us like well I’m a rich black baseball player so America been very good to me you know if you’ll get more or whatever like Sammy Sosa so we have to like you we were constantly like as as as primates like we we we feel like we can’t just go through life actually just expressing ourselves because will it will then we’ll get we’ll get beaten up for like just kind of like I don’t know what we’ll call that narcissism television or selfishness but like you get rewarded overtime for like talking about how the world should be or what the world’s feeling or because that symphyseal I know how that person feel that stuff with them that turns into this whole different kind of like total
Association like you’re still a sociopath cuz now you’re talking about everyone but yourself you’re you’re not selfless by doing that you can be a fucking horrible like you have a person is just like oh I’m certainly I’m not going to sit in my own skin and it was during this conversation I’m going to beat everyone else in the world which is what politicians are really good at like that’s all they do what do you need
holyshit I’m shut up why don’t you make a Golem
it’s crazy man I wanted to learn about it because it is this weird quintessentially Jewish mythology that’s also like a dragon it’s like what if like there was like this famous mug Muslim Pegasus is there like you know a famous Spinx or something it’s just really weird famous Catholic a Catholic leprechaun yeah the Catholic the giant leprechaun of of St James Cathedral there are Catholic and Catholic zombies I am at your command begosh and begorrah top of the morning
I find the great Irish leprechaun of Saint James Cathedral is it he’s famous for second is on dick but not as long as I stay in normal person was his dick it’s a big ol drip and rope created another math a modern mix called Superman is to Jewish kids created Superman oh yeah they’re always making stuff those Jews they pronounce. Superman
then Superman Superman five minutes also probably be on that but it’s like just it really is funny just a Superman anytime you have like a man word that you can say like with them in instead it’s always fun when they’re the the Goya editor at the DC Comics was like boys look I love Superman very touchy time it’s the 19 thirties I don’t want to go there I told him to compromise you could we just announced it difference in the two brothers that I got in the sidewalk as they saved it divides them down the middle that’s like this is for our fucking uncle
Superman Pittsburgh a brother is like
and then we have the first Jewish character in popular culture pick your battles pick your battles why the only way you can beat them is by digging up a chunk of it and he’s going to put them he’s got he’s got to come from the planet put them right what was it what was the Planet Krypton what was the score from the collateral for Allen g i l l e Brew Coman
you know Kal-El means in Hebrew check please
doing jokes that sound like Jewish acts like I don’t even know they’re probably incredibly
humidity I don’t know I just there’s just like Wood Connection to router
Jarrell Jarell how do you spell Jerrell G
like Gerald well I’m sure it’s jorelle in the new Superman movies he’s from Purell
that’s not sure everybody and I’ll stay at and pretend to cook but I didn’t get any answer that doesn’t meet her I’m not going to go shopping cuz I have social anxiety problems bunch of fucking music slimy lettuce from a sunken corporate grocery store promo code
cuz those are run by ISIS I’m going to Blue Apron for all of my needs their Farm to mouth your mouth to mouth skip the whole pork to my house work to math double penetration the packaging blue apron and folded then you wear when it came in and it’s already got a farm to mouth ingredients to stomach too but similarly sustainable to ask to mount does the feeling
play Human Centipede 2 where the big guy goes and then there’s and then there’s a plot point where one of the 30 people that are like bound and gagged that are like trying to figure out what the hell’s going on why’s this guy abducting them all of this stick a guy shakes his gag loose and says to all of the other abductees got
he’s referring to the movie Human Centipede it’s a movie have you seen it every everyone everyone reacts immediately even though the guy does keep repeating he’s going to show us asked to map his plaintiff whales are by Nature repeated but that’s more for him because as soon as he said he’s going to sell us asked him have everyone acts like they just heard the most recognizable sentence in the world like they’re under duress they’re bound to get you get a so it’s a Samantha
oh no not that not that old yet everyone hide under the bed what the heck has the most of what I would I would I would be I would need this. I would need to ask a thousand times what did you say do you say yanny needle they all act like like like like like the guy just said like the rooms filling up with water right exactly everyone knows what
Primal Fear someone sewing you ask to mouth that all that phrase that triggers an immediate crisis center circular circular is it a closed circuit own ass to mouth
who does I was talking to dino recently that dogs would love to be so nasty mouth that’s probably having a string of dogs with muscle attached to another dog’s butt centipede that’s not a horror movie has like a weakening Oscar movie love to eat horse shit just we just eat it like it was just a farm that’s the secret that you know dogs have a secret and that’s a redefine success horseshit don’t like phuc yea
finished
elephants in water before they go back and eat their own poop because I can’t we kind of do just a none of that right well cellulose hard to break down in vegetative cell wall is almost impossible to digest animals that have developed to Grey’s have intensely crazy labyrinth in digestive systems that are capable of somewhat breaking down Gratiot cuz they’re like imagine that’s like being able to desalinate ocean water it be like if you could do it all of our problems are over but it’s really fucking hard to do it and meanwhile tigers are like why don’t you just grow Claws and eat you well because we can all eat me you can drink a little of your own pee if you really thirsty and it doesn’t suck you up but then they shitbrix of a basically because you can’t even even if you’re a fucking elephant it with all of the grass we would probably we would poop just grass it would just be grass and whatever us should try and I got Philly cheesesteak
the date that much grass we would starve to death because we would be like we can’t even break down the cellulite so is cellulose in the grass lake lake lake lake grazing plants like we can eat a carrot but we can’t eat grass because it’s just grass is made out of fucking Kevlar lake lake lake lake the amount of like shit that it takes to turn that into food it’s not worth it and so when they poop it’s like it’s a bunch of crass and that’s why I ended the elephant next to you guys like when we can doing I was going to take it for another spin cycle can I do you mind you he already already facing that why do you mind. Go ahead and knock yourself out there when they get rid of that you keep the poop out the but then I’m going to put the trunk everybody elephant elephant trunk
trunk open our mouths say grab it and then the trunk like a hand pull a brick of Sky to be like a thing to do once in awhile is a joke videos of it be a thing like a different angles of the same thing as you’re repeating it pissed this is also true there’s at least 7 videos of people freaking the fuck out cuz they think that they’re the first and last person to ever see an elephant reach its trunk of another elephants asshole pull a turd out and eat it there justifiably very excited they’re like the word Bob Saget has never been exclaims so many times if it but the joke’s on them cuz they’re part of a playlist the cup like bunch of people at the Brooklyn Zoo seeing an elephant eat its own shit for the first time he will be something that gets to rehash too many we going to retire the podcast cuz we’re just saying the same thing
the Frog and just kill it and throw it away I will kill a buffalo and then not use all of it a chimpanzee won’t bother killing the Frog it’ll just it just uses it humiliated and then and then just throws it like a loofah it in a public shower and it and the Frog you have never going to walk the same it takes a lot to watch a video about a fucking primate that has 99.5% of your DNA and identify with a reptile there’s a serious crime happening when you’re like I’m the Frog a horrible
but you don’t think that you don’t feel that way about the termites but it dips the stick in but like these things will fuck up a prior
if you wouldn’t use the stick frogs got to have some sort of special shapes like he knows it’s probably Evolution actually has like they’re they’re like we’re fascinated by serial killers in Mafia Hitman and things like that we go that goes like they don’t even I don’t have an empathic response like that’s all ships are just like there is like looking at the Frog and they’re like What’s this thing look at the flick of his mouth looks like a pussy
frogs
Yeah I know I saw it I’m but they’re kind of asking for it cuz they’re always out there going to rub it that’s all the time we have for tonight
rub it asking to tell me a joke you would have kept it to yourself I don’t know man
yeah I don’t know and that’s the way that you would return by the Nazis in one day like that guy that sells rhyme with rivet
tkts kit change a vowel
but different culture say cockadoodledoo does out okay so a French dog supposedly said hi or whatever like I love that section of your foreign language in high school that’s what the whole fucking chapter of Aunt Lois learn what a cow says in French in French and German Czechoslovakian cats see green needle
the yuccas lavian ones brace a country that doesn’t have the croat damn do you know why French chefs only use one egg to make an omelet wait hold on I know what I got it better when you tell her cuz I took two semesters in French how you’re going to nail it because because because it’s an earth
that was too dumb
we should add those like animated speech like thought bubbles to our heads like for the live feed like in those dating shows on MTV an hour ago what do you plug in a cassette tape anywhere I can bring one Speaking a cassette tapes isn’t isn’t there something involving that happening I heard there is I put one out on this label Coast starburns Industries press and it’s it’s really fun and you can get it digitally what’s it called order for quality assurance so what is that there’s like a tape club club you sign up for it and you get one a month and you can you get a cassette player if you don’t have to know someone to you
you were a little Christopher Walken on that that was just for walking kind of went a little walking so really the thing we’re plugging is like we got like is sing coming out on that too or okay I’ve got one coming out that you’re on right and Rob corddry and Tompkins and groups and a lot of good stuff thing when you get kind of a tape of the month kind of thing we’re like like like random stuff comes and you get old school Walkman and then I think it’s going to all be released may be digitally later on down the line is out digitally now why are you so love the game but the rest of them just literally the first one where the temperature in coming out Pemberton Pemberton Pemberton tour of the East Coast starting June 6th show me the number to Allen’s Boston New York Philadelphia DC
buy this cassette business case or whatever it’s going to start burning body after church what are they called
SPI press Google it
drip drip drip is impossible to use it’s like a bad web address like an old web address where I was looking right at the camera saying this because I know I’m just acknowledging the convention of the recording right now SPI press on drip write a new ass a web sites like Kickstarter but or it’s like patreon I guess it’s like Everything is Everything is Everything away eating a giant dick thousand years ago and Hathaway. Donny Hathaway Everything is Everything the greatest song ever written
Everything is Everything You know the truth about life song by Donny Hathaway called Everything is Everything he wrote it and like some of year but it came out 1975 and something greatest songs of all time and that song pretty much as it right about everything that’s also really good song
I’ve got a text from Zack it’s his girlfriend’s birthday Zach McKeever who couldn’t be here tonight he’s with his girlfriend in Seattle just give me a shout out Zach in the end I hope you I hope you’re both ass to mouth right now very sporting of you own ass to mouth
I realize our policy of not shouting out to people who are actively working for us probably makes him feel like it’s okay to go out of town for for a show but the last thing we want to do is reward them when they do that right it’s like this like that that’s like the principal in the morning announcements going like let’s get let’s let’s talk about who’s playing hooky today
picture of The Little Rascals one of our Tech guys but I don’t know if the format was a little wobbly at the top of the show Zack kind of usually brings us to make sure we have no audience but we have we have 500 Teamsters that are required to be here but they have to be absolutely quiet they’re all the 8th day of 6 scissor lift if you if you turn these cameras around it looks like Lord of the Rings like outside the castle with the guys at work are me there’s just like there’s there’s there’s a leaf on Sandler’s like blue Ghost
but they’re all being incredibly respectful because we’re not allowed to have an idea do we go to the audience thing next Sunday I don’t know it gets complicated week the 4th and it’s a Monday we will open on Mondays when we bring Steve Levy up so he can he can do an information dump
dumb facts
reminder 11 o
YouTube I make Golems baby in about you you’re a Jew
at that pretty much sums me up you guys know me so well

woman has been married
thank you mija
Hazel goes broke up to your head is becoming like a little like a little to pee
did you put you change the shape of your hat in solidarity cuz we were skiing anti-semitic see what it it balance is a coincidence or just one of those things that happened today will never know why as a goy going I don’t know how that works
a fighter is Alma in in Yiddish is that we get ashore Hebrew at all so don’t know that you know she’s like slang right it’s like in Eastern European language that was spoken by Jewish people is that like plural in a flock of going
and it’s a murder of blackest that’s what the Golem Golem
all right Steve to break us down from the perspective of the person that that that that keeps that keep caring to me I’m like this is the last show on the venue this is the last show or doing here at starburns last night is coming along and play the piano where
set timer not going to be in front of people yeah man this is the end of our isolation come back when it’s in front of people but more importantly what should we do before that we can’t do in front of people that she brought my Minecraft laptop so ourselves asked to math significant who if if we’re all going to do that who sews like a centipede syndicalist you believe that that that it should be worked into the centipede how about magnets know I believe I believe that there should always be a doctor in order for there to be a centipede you could do you could put an electromagnet in our mouths and then
I agree, but everyone has control of the switch so if you want to a lot of people would say Jeff that if it’s not sown it’s not a centipede because it’s like we aren’t we already don’t you already have the option of putting our lips in each other’s buttholes and eating all the poop from each other’s but I’m saying for like 8 hours it’s a liberal fantasy
you know you got to choose you guys do you want my lips on your ass okay I’m listening have I got your attention I’m all I’m all ears
and then it’s my turn to have your mouth sewn to mind but I can’t do that so come out of my mouth to my but we got Spencer is left
I’m at but now we are to be sold to a butt and mouth and butt to a mouth we’re going to all get into kind of like a circle the wagons because at that point we’ll be able to form a human wheel and roll at high speeds but that’s where the term sewing Circle comes from right about the Human Centipede 3 of those movies and I and I cannot attend the characters or the director down and whether or not he thinks that
having your lips sewn do another person’s butt is a good thing or a bad thing I don’t I don’t understand how it works great what group is not food is that your problem no no no it’s not that at all in your lips being so to someone else is an ass-whole right you’re going to lose the ability to use your gear mandible right so it’s like it’s like a giant log your fucking guy and then soft but you got to start to your nose while you going to hope that have to poop well I got it fix like I thought you were going is like this isn’t how skinworks it’s not like welding it get you going to rip your fucking whip somebody’s ass question what’s more important to you ripping off in front of your face or even some of that delicious pie suspended by disbelief on the lip stuff giant turd in your mouth
he also said he feeds them special food you haven’t watch these movies now I’m like fucking broccoli and chicken like he can make some eat like fucking protein bras and stuff like he wants him to have diarrhea so it’s it’s all very it’s like the guy explains it you haven’t watch these movies what’s that didn’t matter here I think here is dick in Farsi I got to look it up I said crazy eyes has been in a bunch of Warhol movies do some blood for Dracula he’s
whenever I go here who do here alright leaving until the people from so from here now the next time they want to see us will be Monday June 4th
spider verse Peter in Koreatown Los Angeles California and hold on a second can we all right but
are we first going on the road no no that’s later okay that’s like mid-to-late June that’s like yeah
show shows are the 23rd at the Wilbur Theater in Boston and cuz what theater 23rd on Long Island at the Cradle of Aviation Museum for the birthday that convention if we didn’t do shows when I didn’t feel like doing them it’s not your fault
yeah I’m just saying it’s okay to go away Memorial Day is bigger than me and my needs it’s about Nation soldiers here by 9:11 it’s about 11 to about war and yellow ribbons and supporting things David Guetta
it’s about Deer Hunter it’s about it’s about Michael Mann
Transformers
it’s about Uncle of the Dead
it’s about Independence Day the movie even if a different holiday right there’s more about it’s more of a Memorial Day movie for me yeah cuz it’s about our armed services Thanksgiving element to Wizard of Oz but people have come to why I think you’re right Independence Day is a great Memorial Day movie this for me if you only one
which is why I have seen places on the loop for the first for 24 hours
for Christ’s sake alright Pemberton plug he’s got a cassette tape that the part of this giant subscription that you can get where you get a tape every week you showed ya kiss my ass every month the satellite for Sunday of the month but this this in June is going to be overdoing it in Denver for fame who is currently ass to Mouse and Seattle massage produces that show is true about of Zach by German scientist who we will never be able to pin down on his feelings about it keep keep saying yes yes yes
what’s the next stage in human evolution I mean he says that but right I just I don’t I don’t know he doesn’t understand that you can’t eat poop and then like when it turns out you can’t he’s like wait what but also he’s like stoked about how it’s uncomfortable for them like he’s like yeah I love making you do it cuz you hate it survival of the fittest so you don’t like it like you don’t think humans should be eating shit because you you actually are just a regular guy that just like he hates like hitchhiker’s or whoever these people are that came to your German layer I think he I think he’s doing at what he considers the ultimate punishment he’s not he’s not into it he’s he’s he’s in the making people bummed out in the original movie original movie that’s the TV Netflix the Chuck Lorre’s she would said if you just bummed out at the Canadian
Singularity is when they remake The Human Centipede
every once in awhile you got to take what you’re given for the new friends in a circle of friends bummed out sometimes. It you and sometimes you throw stuff at life be friends with the person behind you even as good as you get them giving it back taking it back. I’m with you and we’re on the right track bummed out
Dave Foley is the bumbling sadistic German scientist
I was on the road with Dave Foley for a couple weeks and he’s a fucking Joy he’s absolutely a sweetheart the fuck is he funny so funny
haha well I hope he is okay with the fact that when he comes on the show there’s going to be a fucking audience cuz we just burned up our last delicious Taste of no audience I think he’s in front of an audience I think he’s a born performer what do we do what’s the last we’re never going to be in total silence in a dark empty Warehouse ever again what what what’s the thing you always wanted to do since you’re already pitched as to Mount Sunapee Dan you should say all those things that you don’t like saying in front of an audience because they’ll let you make weird sounds okay brace
oh wait not making the sound 85% of everyone is stupid and that actually does include 85% of whatever group you belong to
believe me I’ve met you
I’m stupid
oh maybe 85%
this is a group I don’t like okay here’s a good one to get this out before we have an audience
I recognized it as a well-executed movie compared to the Sony versions I think it’s a waste of Spider-Man to just turn him into a AI suit with Tony Stark just providing him with
Spider-Man suit what’s this the new Spider-Man is sick as he gets a new suit from Tony Stark and it’s like the suit is like talking to him like Jarvis and I like men I get the complaints the thing is like in the story of like Civil War and everything that did happen but it’s like that’s not like a quintessential Spider-Man story it’s not like a reboot Spider-Man story it’s like this very like that’s like the 7th Spider-Man movie can be about oh now he has a Spider-Man a I so it’s kind of an interesting choice for you know for what’s essentially like a reboot like setting off the it’s weird
yeah did you like that in a quiet place that we talked about this I haven’t seen it
and I won’t watch it and here’s why I don’t like deaf people movies no I’m kidding
I just trying to think of like the things to say before you’re cool to see that’s better that’s all I keep saying it
Devils who is very meta to enjoyable
I never would have never met us at and watch themselves filming it pretty much a references The Avengers is the reference video assist
almost the whole movie take place in videos of an element of wine play fast forward in their how many how many people is there a theater the new venue hold 500 yeah for real no it’s 150 but it’s a good amount it’s really really nice rescue sound or look at it in the prestigious stabbing district downtown Los Angeles walk from your car to the theater to see Hermantown far away then you have to be late just a Lyft or Uber or carpool with ya pull up pull up pull right up to the front will have a Paparazzi out there
can’t go on like like Paparazzi red-carpet thing as long as I don’t
I could do anytime just admit that I just pictured you out there a crack of dawn rolling out some carpet staple gun in hand do some applications onto a thing as stepping turns one more thing before we go further back in front of an audience I don’t like four people and I don’t have to because I what I grew up poor enough that I know that you there’s nothing magical about being poor you you can be poor and be a fucking dumbass Hall just as easily as you can be born rich or be a dumbass ho hey what why don’t you stop doing what you’re currently doing and do what I tell you to do and I tell you to go fuck your mother you dumb broke hillbilly fuck face and stop
giving me advice about the hair on my shoulders and my shower because your life sucks cuz you’re a fucking loser and you try to play the class system fucking card with me you can double fuck yourself with a with a hundred poor dicks because I made myself out of dirt without permission and that’s exactly why you can go fuck yourself because I’m 45 years old so I’m better than I made myself Rich so I’m better than you I’m I’m I’m I’m I I have I have a differently shaped brain than yours and that doesn’t make me better than you but it makes me luckier than you which makes me better than you because capitalism so stop telling me what to do because by every rule you hold important you have to shut the fuk up forever all the time whenever you’re in my present because you’re a lower person than me
you’re and you’re and you’re you’re an animal so I just had to get that off my chest but I say we delete this from this for the audience in we open with it it’s like we broke up like I’ve had a good time in my bachelor pad without the audience like rolling around in my own farts I can’t wait to to be back in front of the audience with flowers and what if you got Bernie Madoff in some horrible should happen then you couldn’t make money and you lost everything in your poor guy again I’d be a poor guy who proved he was better than other people by having made myself rich and then I’d be twice as angry with being poor or what I don’t even know where you’re going fine are they yeah
also you can’t make me amor Jeff people have been trying for 40 years by Brad great new Road movie that we’re doing for Netflix there’s no back-end but Davis makes you pour in for tea and Dad’s ashes okay Adam Sandler is Jeff Davis Neil Patrick Harris as David Alan Grier wait what was that I was just about to say you were you were hating on the porch cuz I knew that part but I had it on the tip of my tongue while I lost it
what if you do something about using like what if you could make me what if what if you made me poor lost everything and make me poor and I can’t beat me all the stuff here’s the thing off my chest before before we make up with the audience to me we entertain them cuz they’re going to buy tickets and we’re going to be like you’re good people like like some of your bad people but we’re going to play pretend you’re good people ticket sales gold the show is that we did Dumbledore zero audience I’m Invincible ruffle charging Ticketmaster prices as I think I think $800 to $2,800 but nnn ironically those are the seats for the worst cuz when I do my Wirefly at you going to get kicked in the shower
a job counseling therapist and I are working on I have to get over this idea that if you say I’m a great person you can’t beat me I’m wonderful I’m having a good life that that means that an anvil is going to fall on your head like that’s that’s that’s a normally healthy thing cuz you’re not supposed to be a pompous cock in like it’s a normally healthy think it’s a normally healthy things but but for me it’s like you know carbs are normally healthy for some people but like I have to be on a diet that like
about the poor attacking is it is this is this all about why you don’t have to know okay I have to know what you know doesn’t matter and that won’t I don’t want have negative repercussions at me because it’s okay for me to be confident and certain about what makes me happy there won’t be any negative repercussions because I was satisfied with myself or my work or my life or anything was good enough like there is no punishment from the universe for me being okay with the way the day is going and then there’s no there’s no reason for me to check in and make sure that’s okay with you that’s something that everybody else needs to do because they’re fucking stupid and they need to grow and be better people I have become poverty come into the store and more mad about cuz my money is a direct measure of my worth as a person might accompany I don’t know what you talk about your stupid people then then then whether they have money in
right I don’t I don’t know what what your you just did a giant rant about you or your people or animals I don’t know if I did I wouldn’t want to eat what I said was if you’re an Instagram and I tell you to go fuck yourself and one of the things I tell you that is a reason why you shouldn’t be telling me what to do is because your dumb ass is broke in addition to you being an honest living with your parents having accomplished nothing having a life half the length of mine not making anyone happy and not following me and you’re following me instead of I’m following you there’s a million reasons why if you really think about it it’s fucking dumb for you to ever open your mouth around me like like you don’t have to then you’re not going to get away with saying to me though that makes you a Lannister cuz it doesn’t like like you’re a you’re a fuking idiot and I roast a little dirty filthy
Piglet and being broke is a part of that
because because it’s because there’s not a lot of rich people doing it like getting it watching me take a shower and my Instagram feed and telling me that I need to get my shoulders like do DDD hair it or whatever there’s a lot of rich people doing that maybe maybe that’s the connection I don’t know James was James Woods is is in my Instagram telling me to to get hair removal he’s a troll oh he’s a big-time your 15 your poor your parents are they fucked up you you you’re a failure you’re going to die miserable and you won’t even know that you’ll think you’re happy that’s how miserable and dumb you are you can’t even you came into text misery as much as I can have more emotional taste buds than you probably a bad time to announce your run for Congress
all right I think it’s all I think it’s all out so then we’ll next time you see me
if you’re early done it’s all done what I think you’re being sarcastic when you’re suggesting that something bad happened is that was it that difficult for you to do but to sit and listen to me say a bunch of stuff and then go that that’s great is that a tough choice for you as a performer or are you okay let’s switch rules like like like say a bunch of stuff all right I love poor people and yeah yeah yeah that’s great great doing you know you’re doing what you always do right now let me do what you do you just talk this is a great great job great job you’re doing great you’re a great job great job great job
fun with my friends all right we’re not against who appreciates it all right so next time we should take the closing theme to all of our non audience member yeah is it going to be is it going to be robbed tantrum that singing lyrics that I have to sing over or is it good
harmontown I think we should do a Fiddler on the Roof style harmontown goodbye yeah I’ll be 10 is it okay
hey you get on that get get up and get up get up and I’ll be the roof lay down and
he can fill up on me
I am ham that has come forth for this salvation upon the mountain that has been spoken unto the for the Ephesians know now that this is the light of the Covenant Everlasting for the blood from the mountain that is the eye of him says to you go back find this was which has come and I will be that Sprout within Europeans
I got to say goodbye to the no people does it give me flashbacks of forcing myself to do this at the end of every show for a year while we were on the road though
I’ve Jenna boo movie about myself I produced a movie by myself I waited 30 shows about me cuz we couldn’t paper music we couldn’t put music in our movie so we made Ryan Elder Bank of music we can keep you in the a.m.
so when you made everyone say this time but when you drink too much and the director is sober
tell make the movie about drinking
because drinking the bigger deal this over people
thank you for coming to Hermantown everybody was giving ever Steve Levy
Johnny Pemberton everybody checkouts
what’s your podcast called again that the live to tape live tape fantastic Pemberton coming out in season 3 is coming out and Learning Channel number one place to be
give it up for her Chris Sarah Terry Foster doing on music and sounds and everything tonight so it was Zach do you song
Church of Christ taking all the wonderful photography and being groovy known everybody here for the music I was playing earlier
what are we doing at that space
I feel like six of them
Buckeye residency right like we’re doing like
what number of them in an emergency
that’s why he didn’t tell us we could be cheap showing us off again I don’t feel so good I dfsg is out there to probably download to purchase it’s just good stuff what’s the highest Vietnam
everyone wants to come see us live you can find our tickets online on Eventbrite but you just Dynasty typewriter keyboard see you next time drive fast to take chances