Episode: 297 – You Got That Baby To Tell The Truth


Episode: 297 – You Got That Baby To Tell The Truth


Dan, Jeff, Spencer, Brandon, Schrab and Steve all try to get to the bottom of some deep Harmontown mysteries. Is Spencer’s desk backwards? What does Steve Levy do with silly putty? Can Schrab reboot Sanford and Son? Featuring Dan Harmon, Brandon Johnson, Spencer Crittenden, Jeff Bryan Davis, Rob Schrab and Steve Levy.


Make some noise for yourself from coming into downtown Los Angeles
what is the gentleman in the harmontown is now in session how are you tonight
how are you tonight
return to the stage of the master king of all he surveys a gamer King Spencer Crittenden
Adam when he gets out here ladies and gentlemen the mayor of harmontown
fire breathing dragon
to the Rhythm and the news that I was going to say the same thing no
kashmiri lights out off DIYs to help. Thank you for coming
all right well yeah I don’t know you know it’s fun right this is a it what week is this is this like 4 weeks and of Rick and Morty more than that but it’s weird things are running like a fucking machine I’m not going to lie it is a new thing for me it’s going to be this thing run like top are you going to fuck this up like it’s up to you to fuck this up like just like what your religion comes into a tree like do I believe that the universe is structured in a way that if everything is going okay for a week that it has to go to fucking shit and get all fucked up like you either have to believe that
do you like well maybe maybe your definition of things getting fucked up will Elevate or something I don’t know
you have if you have no shoes for a week I’m going to rip a metaphor it’s going to go get it
and then you’re like this
but it’s normal so during that week you’re like I got no shoes and Maggie likes me and she’s like, and you’re like no shoes Lloyd that’s what they call me we don’t have really caveman names who said we were cavemen what kind of image of just cuz I have no shoes is lots of people that don’t have a maybe we’re in a weird country where country are names are Maggie and Lloyd
get to pick everything apart problem at Isaac I got no shoes on so then you go home and you say to your live-in girlfriend who
always knew Megan was probably an issue but also you guys have an understanding cuz you knew it was like you moved you moved in actually we’re out of convenience and so anyways you’re not just on it but yet she’s like how was your day like I’m a little tussle what was it Maggie cuz you want to fuck her no bad week no shoes guy had a bad week okay
their shoes still in city of a caveman holiday called the shoe Pumas shoes at shoes most of them get a BB gun you get shoes you know why cuz you’re a good caveman you did your fucking time you deserve shoes what do you do the BB gun if there’s a man out there I know history and anthropology don’t fuck with me so you put on the shoes
now you know your fucking roll it these are the Tesla of cavemen choose death and your leg feels good like rattlesnakes okay
do you owe me in the midst of creeping by the saber-toothed tiger went cuz he stepped on a sharp Stone that’s a fact
so shoes means life means you’re lucky Your Privilege I got I had no shoes I was what was my name Lloyd the caveman I now have shoes so if Lloyd starts to think okay now I got shoes so now that means right that I’m going to get caveman cancer
that doesn’t do anybody any good that’s not a good thing for him to think that’s not even
his expertise like we’d rather him think about other things like the light bulb hasn’t been invented when Lloyd had no shoes his fear was the tiger the saber-tooth choose his new fear with cancer and cancer is it out of his fear of saber tooth tiger that that was a big part of the appeal
do you like oh God is going to fall on my head that’s what but Lloyd lived with a girlfriend together but they’re what come on that sounded like they needed to take that to a cave couple therapist
perhaps the thing that will keep Lloyd from worrying about cancer is the fact that he’s got people around him who are also worried
oh okay that was a left turn I just be in a field and like lay down and die from sleeping too much
and make great television that’s always been a part of it and I have never ever ever said like I’ve never I’ve been doing this for 20 years I have never made the television I make part of anyone’s problem I’ve never done like you find me an episode of a TV that thing I produce where it’s like oh I can see someone’s upset about Twinkies you know I got to I don’t I don’t blow your mind I tell you Timeless stories about struggles and Humanity shoes
I’m just saying I’m just this is Park part 3 I think since since I’ve revealed that I’m too happy it’s a problem getting happy happier as your problem grows well I’m excited to talk about it cuz I was cancer
I just like to the
Kennedy do you think you’re going to win you know what I have a feeling you know what I think’s going to happen I think my body is going to start dying and will dress it up will call it a stroke or a or a lung collapse or or a gout rum and then
why are you acting like that
forward your head you lost tag I’ve never it I want forever
but you lost it like
and his fucking model of the Universe I just want to see you coming out from under a bush with slugs on your face going on
the light will go
you will pay for you to Prime my lungs and a smile on my face
did you you were hitting somewhere some people were afraid to shine a flashlight congratulations the joke’s on you
there’s girls here yeah I would hide I knew how to hide
will be greatly hiding like fucking like weird cupboards and shit and we’d be like the weirder the better but you’d like to talk to your leg like man I wish I could lock this from the outside so that nobody has Swallowed the Key cuz I like your instinct is to never be found like and I think it’s because you’re a kid and you don’t know that that’s our coffin like like you’re at a certain age I I’m going to stay like 17 or something you’re not quite like gripping mortality but you watch your first Serpent and the rainbow kind of movie and you’re like going like this I’m screaming in the coffin and then you that forces you to go I’m going to have to decode why the characters acting like this all right I’m in a box I can’t get out there’s nothing but
oh my God we all end up dead
oh my God being unable to move my I got to a point
dance grabbing his sunglasses
we do a podcast part 2
you say that they’re $300 I owe their $300
DanTDM into the ice I bought him a New Year’s Eve I was already high the store wasn’t open late I was on was out obviously or I wouldn’t have
but I was like I’m high as it was a good day I like New Year’s Eve you started it out getting high and then we’re like I’m so high should get some sunglasses cuz I got other shit to do we go with my girlfriend and I was like let’s get it
and then I was like how about some
maybe I’ll wear them again
my thousand-dollar glasses that help me see cuz they there’s are gone I don’t know where those are oh yeah yeah well it’s hard like I don’t know that’s why I wore my glasses all the time I was supposed to just wear them like while I was driving but then it’s like you have to carry a case or some shit it’s like well I’m not going to do any of this
who is how I know the answer is 100% I’m not going to ask how many of my audience wear glasses but how many of you like walk around with a case
right that’s good moral applies but they’re not they’re $1,000 it’s almost like the case makes them harder you just doing it to make them bulkier Ray but yeah I mean that’s going to do anything that like that so it’s just like holding a small log or something it’s done just feel like an asshole yeah they got us right where they want our next guest
is that where you want it by popular demand a lot of people said last episode they’re like and it was amazing wow
it’s just amazing and wow awesome
by the way
every time you’re not here if I can rob it is out of control
I’ll be I’ll be
you need that I can’t argue with that guy do you think about death as a human and he’s like
just went off for like you know how he does that thing where it doesn’t he doesn’t wait to see if it worked or not he likes it he just repeated leaned in and that’s why it worked because if he did it and it didn’t work and then he leaned in and you’d be like no sale but he just fucking liens and he’s like he’s like
as opposed to over sit as opposed to over sit as opposed to oversee it understands not over six over six over six as opposed to over 6 you said understand what did you say over Stant see it worked on you you
yeah. Now try this one
well you’re laughing because I love you laughing at the fact that I nailed it my point anyways all right
sharabha slam the door
Jeff Davis
oh no I thought you going to bring that truck don’t do that and then he did that I was like well it’s buffer it why you wearing sunglasses
I had some work done
how do you spell colectomy and I don’t want it hasn’t it if you took the cool out of yourself I told I told the story on this podcast of like a therapist and
and I was telling you I know I told this but I was like talking about my childhood and then I looked up and she had like she does not like I’m not being a Klingon I’m like I know I’ll tell you what’s emotional I’m a fucking professional Storyteller and I know I think I know what’s powerful right well I’ll see you again I know I’m making up that making up a therapy session
are you sure you couldn’t go out crying for less than honest reason
play embarrassed about this you asked about the tears coming down my face I had had some work done and I was embarrassed cuz it’s a vanity thing so I lied in the moment and I feel bad about that and I said well I probably didn’t say but I said the way we say in our heads when we were just when we’re just going to walk away and then me and you were like I was like you were all like are you all like or you just like I think I was nothing but I’m like you mean you more importantly you’ll act like I said why are you crying and you are like
only because of the emotional quality of the story you pay me to listen to and understand and analyze like that’s fucked up like lying is if your plumber comes over and he’s like all looks like you took a big shit and they’re like don’t judge and he’s like I won’t I’m a plumber I’m just going to get the shit out and you give me fifty bucks and I’ll be gone I’m sorry to offend plumbers I don’t mean to make your occupation sound cheap or fucking crapless I know it’s hard but I was in Boston and butt butt butt butt butt butt butt while he’s doing it if he’s like
and you’re under like a plumber why are you crying and he’s like nothing and you’re like okay but it’s fucked up if he goes it stinks that’s that’s fucked up he doesn’t have to do that she couldn’t say I watched roots
and then to come back a week later to fix your sink if you like you should do stink that bad
I just had had some work done on my face
honest plumber like you didn’t have to you could have cuz all shit stinks I’d be like okay that’s cool you can keep plunging everything but the therapy then that’s where the metaphor breaks down did you keep her no
like I say I’m firing you because like I just didn’t show up
that’s what I do without my therapist is like how is your current terapista relationship going right now so good luck that she’s just fucking good did Rocky get along with Burgess Meredith know he does thunder come back from out of a moving car that it was making him Chase Slate it’s not a friendship it’s you’re a bum
yeah like its friendship is for pussies has ever told you that you might get murdered to death
private duty tonight you said you weren’t going to learn how to be happy which was the other alternative right no did I say that I thought you said you weren’t going to find out how to be happy who says that that’s crazy I was so down and don’t like follow up on 5th
I don’t I mean I didn’t mean to good cuz don’t die
if I’ve ever done anything cool and the before you worry if I’m just going to kill myself without any or anybody know I’m not worried about that restrained or I don’t know what I’m going to do next week and we all know that Winters desk is backwards tell me because this looks like a backwards desk but that’s the whole point right think of it this way what do you think is behind like on the back of this.
drawers well what do you think is on the front fake drawers
do you think there’s drawers on both sides
so I think that’s real drawers in the back where you are I think there’s fake doors in the front well that’s where he well that’s where you’re wrong
oh wait what why is there now get rid of your mind really blown Jeff I think there’s fake drawers on the back
this is just like oh man this is just like the Neil Patrick Harris Oscars or whatever
do you guys remember that and everyone’s like how did they know when they pre-planned the whole show what would happen on the show this could never happen how could all these actors do pre-scripted thing
on camera this is matcha and I was like why is anyone in Preston people are like what the fuck are you talking about and I was like you don’t see what’s happening acting okay that’s been building for years
so glad that you said it inside this time that out of the street like the first time now I know
I like that I like our audience because what they applied is the confessional that’s been building for years and they’re like that and then they waited and he said that’s been building for years and they said they said you I love you
I like the Hoople okay and they don’t like being praised talk to you I like that too. We haven’t done and maybe this is a bad thing to to VAC comtrol on we haven’t brought up a audience member of the audience on stage in a long time because don’t you think like it’s usually good somebody’s like why my dad died and he does this but like somebody that I could go but no no no I didn’t mean that
but don’t you what about what about shrub shrub chop chop chop chop chop chop chop
hard to describe
call the Steve Levy and two doors really really taking me to task earlier
just say things loud I didn’t say that you can’t be doing this man. I’m allowed to have a strong voice until I feel like I’m tired talking back
what leaving can weed
leaving can we get Travis sarcastically comfortable easy chair for next week
so you can just be at my dad can be complete we should have just a Barcalounger out here for him that’s fine
how old is that I’ll do that
let’s pray that God share this thank you
so let’s compare is this better or worse than the last chair I’m going to say better
cuz my feet are on the floor and you’re reaching for the Stars
this could be fun later on in the show why do crack here looks like it’s half built
I think my phone’s going to go dead so no
now what now what the show but with the show like hurry do the show before it runs out you should not have said that my dad remember the dead fish episode I texted my dad during the show cuz it was like oh yeah
now is is this your actual dad that changes Heath back right on Monday July 16th 8:51 p.m. I was here with you you made me text my dad apparently the following exchange was standing between me and emotional fulfillment I said my show got nominated for an Emmy! And Tuesday July 17th to text back fucking fantastic
you’re healed did he say what else is new
hahaha my parents don’t pick up and did you have more of a conversation
cuz you know I put a fantastic what am I supposed to be Garden only if you want the conversation is not anywhere thee
what about ugly ain’t no but I thought they were going to last
what your dad opened up a dialogue didn’t open up a dialogue I did he kick that soccer ball back into oh I see what you’re saying so this would just continue for ever text your dad was so fun to be part of an epiphany Oh Good Will Hunting text your dad paid we expected something
hey Dad this happened good
text him or text him now and forever suck people
give me an Emmy
that is so bulshit your father
your father who is as emotionally estranged As You Are
you can hold his hand if you want he was mocking you you said problematize earlier to my role changes he speak a cosigner but your dad and your dad said hip hip hooray and you said nothing back right away that’s that’s the end of that would say hip hip hooray
right but a cool ponytail dad said fucking fantastic trying to spin this into me continuing to work alright on the night of the week I’ll fucking tell my Dad how texting right now it’s supposed to be getting held at Depot ladder supposed to be great to have you seen
Mission Impossible
went out where does the coolant go in a title like that the mission is impossible it’s clearly Mission call impossible original title
I prefer to go with him or passable Mission and have you seen Mission colon impossible colon fall out
this step is with Ghost Protocol you know as far as I supposed to be supposed to be really good I haven’t seen it but he’s going to ask why I’m asking is because it’s nice to hear from your dad I appreciate the connection
now that you have given him some information about yourself can we maybe ask. Have a question I asked him did you hear about these nuts in this Emmy nomination what he’s been up to what have you been up to bro yeah
I miss you father
what have you been up to? And that ends that segment called everyone back seat drive my fucking relationship with my father in spite of me giving you complete fucking control over it you will never learn the lesson that the road leads nowhere
I think it’s fine if I don’t fucking care Thelma and Louise my life few pieces of shit all right all right I got a piece of shit feelings like a light driving a car off a cliff hi Dad
it is exactly the same and I don’t take that away from me
or my gender don’t do it there’s something I haven’t ever seen a long kiss goodnight and I just watched it recently pretty good let’s do a scene from it
the long kiss goodnight
Big Life backwards
and out of the store
that was a long kiss goodnight
I have to re-watch that movie I think it might be Dutch I don’t
that much Nosferatu in Franklin Jello Dracula
I have to mention the camera 20% of the movie is a camera facing down the side of a building with Frank langella moving his hands green screaming at the side of a building he’s either coming in for Lucy he’s coming for free pretzels he’ll Hills Spider-Man Spider-Man
Brentford what’s his name
Grandpa Pig
what are you doing what are you doing
you have no Faith Center
did you eat that cockroach
I expected you to be harder to command you are known for your
that was Redford and Sons
what do you like that that’s Rob Niall of just like I was trying to let them know there was a guy what do you think the name is of the Dracula’s thrall Renfield
but you know what dumb name

if I have a thrall Renford the Big Red Dog was Wizard was Renfield a vampire or what why is he wanted to become a vampire
cockroaches why is it backed into his character that he has to eat cockroaches we got three movies I could neighbor he eat cockroaches like slop it just like Dracula is like sucks I’m going to let him know I’m not a fucking bat person that don’t need no fucking renfield’s eating Robin some don’t sometimes their Batgirls sometimes they don’t like sometimes they have a batcave sometimes they don’t every Dracula movie is like and I’m like why is he eating roaches does he wish that they were people cuz he and he doesn’t he was he a vampire
like it’s a it’s a it’s a I’m telling you it’s a mess at the movies a mess the story’s agent changes then they’d be famous
I also feel like in a very
in a very nerdy sense of roaches are probably really cheap
a production was like fucking he’s eating roaches you think that Bram Stoker describe him eating it really expensive spider
multi-hued like peacock spider a rare species from South America and then I don’t know I mean like to eat spiders a pretty expensive
I mean a roach just spider missing two legs or something important building the cafeteria think should happen in their apartment
movie with spaceship going to be a cafeteria shift I don’t want anybody in free-form channel in the line producer it’s become a running joke that we are writing something to be like in the cafeteria because he would he would he would ask that that was his job to ask that but he wasn’t stingy or unsupportive sorry I’m sensitive to people’s legacies I’m ready to die
I’d like to leave a fucking footprint without a turd in it or or enough of a turd that it’s like this year did where were they going your mother
why the fuk you were her mother your yeah I couldn’t you say that
maybe if i q
oh shit
sorry everybody
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, never misses that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes related my own life so it’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerves like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Black Cinema with Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
does that mean everybody last time
absolutely Dan Cantrell will be very clear in the concrete call
opening a bank account
yeah yeah it was a good call
now is that
but that would be ridiculous
somebody’s phone
right now
you know what I’ll do.
Thank you yeah
wow East last
gun control
that’s not your mama’s so hot
that’s right I’m here to take you home if you can control
but nothing
the time of your ambiguity driven each character has come to a close
what are you doing
the next day in court
hermit surgery goes back and forth between
All Rise food
thank you
Ariana against this mother fucker
all jacked up
I already I already wanted to sustain it
okay well you still not supposed to say it sustained for who no overrule I’m being sarcastic
I suspended and a Jackson bad for me
my story goes back beyond the ages hit it
judge rap yo backstory judge what you can do for your country
ask what your country can do for you cuz I got it I got it backwards you’ll figure out what I meant yo I’m not a judge yet I’m still a lawyer but I got to warn you I find you guilty of about to get shot ask not why I would be shot but how I would he won’t listen to me nobody listen to me listen to my story
I tried to warn say okay and he didn’t listen to me and he got blown away
I heard a KC under
Roman versus her own hair
Tobacco Hut in that case otherwise that was a bad run
fuck you I was filing a prayer for me I’m at the my hair strangled me and I’m suing it for damages my throat man united man
I know you’ve been thinking I was a lady it’s important to get this across
but you know you shouldn’t represent yourself no I know that’s what my hair said I hope that I hope that I try a case of true importance what would that be like
excuse me Ariana
I have apparently a rack for you about how I would like to sue my 5
go on
yeah me
now what
okay alright let me explain how the legal system works
if you want to sue somebody you can just shoot somebody it’s not up to the judge I’m not like a barista you can’t it’s not I’m not the type of Genius Bar just catch me at the elevator and then watch it
no it’s not going to help like that would be a terrible structured system you can’t mean that you had more recourse to Justice than the normal person that would be really fucked up now mine here’s a gun
what do you mean why are you giving me a gun
let’s just say I’m a be for Lord Benson
sing the let it out of control
oh God I’m going to die terrible time for a Beat
no pee no
you stay at least a week and it goes away and there’s no wrong answers what is time for a rat that was a guy pulls out a gun let’s just say
about it all right
look I mean I’m just trying to fill time so that you guys can get home the hell yeah you’re doing a great job soup is almost done a cup soup is almost done what have you guys been up to this week Jeff did you have you learned how to make that Mac of yours download the World Wide Web yet I would do my vocal exercises and my voice is getting stronger every day what kind of are you doing any dip song and trip song slurs
oh shit you know what you know I am oh damn let’s do they differ I couldn’t tell you I will know I mean in the number the trip song is 300 I got a little piano app where I have to see what what my vocal ceiling is everyday so I start I think I’m at
and I have to sing that note every day and that that’s my ceiling
yeah it was Brandon’s idea I just got a nice
I don’t need that all I do I shall I try to entertain you. Leah the cancer joke what’s the difference between me and cancer that your newspaper to cancer
answer will will go away for $50
and we told this joke have a nice day
what why don’t you what’s what’s the difference between me and cancer if you get me you have some support from your right I told you the joke a few days ago and it was your favorite joke you’re really really more important to you better what’s the difference between you and cancer my dad didn’t beat cancer yeah
that’s fantastic it’s a really bad a lot
you guys once a month
from a joke perspective it is it’s like I like it
it’s like a little it’s like a little piece of origami that’s not precious but also isn’t like packed like it’s like 5 to 7 at home
talking loudly which currently has cancer jokes
the only don’t think I have my dog
you’re married
Define magic cards with you. Yeah you should learn it’s fun and I hate I hate games what’s the difference between your wife and the dog your your dog’s not going to leave you when he hears you have cancer
I’m all alone and I have oh my God
what if your dog left when he found out you had cancer let me know the shittiest dog in the world I didn’t tell you the Cherry Pie story no
it’s just an evocative desert get up in the morning to go to the gym and my trainer goes today we’re going to do push-ups until you can’t anymore and I got
and then I do it and I feel like shit and I pay him and I leave and I walk outside it’s hot it’s awful and Caicos we need to go to Whole Foods and we need to get some cherry pies for my birthday tonight and I’m like I’m on it I’m on that I’m totally on it feeling a little queasy can we go home immediately after that I think I need to lie down after getting hurt and has no problem so we get there we get the groceries put it on their stomachs not feeling all that great and we are in the car and in the traffic’s a little herky-jerky stop starting and I try not to break so hard cuz I feel like I might
puke all over the birthday pies
and I look up at the sky
happy birthday to me you puked all over the birthday all over the birthday party we got new pies twice like I’m so sorry I think it’s fine
it’s not fine
was awful cute all over that and I don’t know what something happened when I puked that I hurt my finger thing that you never thought it was for the next couple of days I have a major pain again and I remember that day because I puked all over her birthday and so I got when I went back to get the cherry pies I bought some Bengay to rub on my shoulder and I left it out in the car I’m going to go outside lately it’s been a furnace outside it was like a hundred and twenty-two degrees in the valley back then my car was outside open up the door grab the bin gatewood’s hot too hot to go back outside cuz it’s so hot oh my gosh really hot it’s going to feel good haven’t use Bengay in a while how long
couple decades proud of your generation but you weren’t like a tube of Bengay I am forced to do this I have lived in Los Angeles for 20 years I have nothing but Shame about this but I see the words and I go Bengay how long light like and I am so proud of you tonight like like there are some things that just get solved why is it called Bengay why why is it called engaged is there something in the words that say cream that you put on it when it hurts Ben Hur set to his
brother Bengay let’s switch
is red buttons what the fuck is a joke which is never happened never had a sister been to him let’s switch if we do we be Bengay never had a dinner I mean I swear that’s funny all we did was make the original Furby would literally could have robbed winner on the playground we would walk up to each other and we would say say been gay that’s all we would we would say it’s a band gang and they would say Bengay and then we say how long that’s it
that’s going to be gay when I was a kid that’s a little forgiveness and how easy it was to be funny I want to know what happened with the hot being gay okay so run Inside Out Cakes off doing something running there have been cases where the car how long couple days I go in there and then I got a open up the thing and I squeeze it and because of the heat buildup because
spiders all over my cat like Peter North all over the place
and I like a shit waste-not-want-not better rub it is probably probably make make my shoulder feel better quicker. Did you rub it on your face
Outlook yes I forgot the Bengay heats up after a while okay but I wanted to Plies the commentary here is because I wanted to say I thought I thought it was going to be hot cuz it was in the car it was but it was hot and it was it built mostly mostly it was like volume it was like wow that’s a lot and I forget that after a while it heats up and somewhere between pop and it heating up which I’m thinking is like about you know like 2 minutes I touch the refractory.
it’s called the refractory.
During the refractory. I must have touched my shoulder my my face my balls my dick my asshole my knees or whatever and just there’s just a road map of what I did to myself to get rid of all of this Bengay and I start going through a little uncomfortable okay okay getting real. Oh my God, rolling on the floor screaming crying on the living room floor all my God and I look up and I see my dog on the couch looking down at me giving me the same look that Kate gave me when I threw up on her Jerry but just
you really this is this is what I miss is what I signed up for Panama City ever got it has like you have the power to open and close the door
you you say he who opens cans this is what this is what You’re vulnerable to a tube of something smaller than an explosion of Bent Gate down to your balls what why does that become with me and Kate was what do you think he was going to touch on an atlas
Fairy Tail the world’s been explored
I made pickled eggs one time when I could have some habanero peppers and I was making some of the best pickled eggs of all time I masturbated but I had forgotten to not wash my hands a million times and my dick was on fire for a week
I’m not a fucking alert like a habanero pepper and then touch anything for ever but for the rest of your life
when I was like 15 and I’m at so I’m talking fucking go back to previous short stories
if your tax dollars at work that I got shocked on this show about 11 when I hit 11 it was no turning back it was Inspector Gadget I’m 15 years old and it’s just there’s no there’s no stopping that it’s just it’s just around the clock fucking union job like jerk off and like I can literally literally like go in the my own houses basement like 15 parents so much that I’m like just pretending I have a reason to be in the basement to some mythical and then I was like I’m going to change a fuse what it was like I had so much to do and I am just remember like I do it chafing and then like
employer products cuz I had seen in the movies or heard and popular culture that you know the lotions and the things that I remember trying to use some product I don’t remember what it was it wasn’t it wasn’t a zinc immediately harmful like like like Bengay or Menthol lyptus that glyco it burns how long how long I thought you were all I remember is the result which is going to town forever sometimes who knows why I stopped long enough to notice anything maybe there was a solstice I don’t know but I remember like looking at my little penis and being like like I had to go to my parents I didn’t have to I did this is how I
and I was I was like I didn’t show them but I was like I think I fucked up doing what were they doing with your dad like building stained glass Blazing Saddles in my mom was knitting I don’t know and I’m like guys I need to ask a question about what is a possible to do to your penis if you do nothing but it looks when I say shriveled
I want you to understand that I’m it is a pre shriveled penis like I just it is it’s it was it was sort of like there was a I remember being scared that it had this like it was like it was like like beach shaped like or like like like there was something wrong I broke my dick I can’t remember what it was but it was my dick like what would we would later if Game of Thrones was on at the time I would have been like oh God I turned my dick into the stone disease like the way it had like it was like it had like hell yeah and I was like what have I done is that just a thing that happens when you use the wrong product on your dick white of course it does anything on my dick and the answer is you know you don’t you’re not you’re not you’re not you’re not
you don’t like rollout of blueprint another here’s how we’re going to do it for the maximum results you’re just going through a closet you’re like a desperate man first what was the Cure I think I blocked a lot of it out because it’s just so humiliating to think about but like I I remember I know the fact that I did because I was so concerned that I cuz I was like well this might be a thing that you don’t you don’t let the story 20 years from now to be and then I didn’t say anything and then my dick dissolved in my head I hold in my horniness and later I would find out you can’t do anything to addicts who you wish I just wish I had known that I thought it was a friend what can I do to keep you
alive and you can’t fucking you can put one of these things in a pair of pliers
all right I should have hit a nerve to it was like I think I broke my dick
how do you know is there such a thing as like here’s what I used I can’t remember what it was and then they were just like like like like I’m so bummed out they weren’t really I don’t want to say they weren’t of any help because they were probably like they really like won’t do you want to go to a weirder than a dick yeah that’s why I’m asking
it looks like the following is there a because I use this for a while
what was the product what what did I can’t remember I would probably like some kind of like really specific lotion that I was just like the same but it was like maybe it was like a lotion for most like a Turtle Wax
it really sticks out of my head that I was in the basement using it that I was like I had gotten to the point where I was like cuz they see like Intervention episodes where like the the grown man I’ll just like they won’t even explain it but I just like we just have like a little corner in the basement where he likes says cracked by a few dollars just like it’s become like
you lucky that you have a black mom who really coveted her hair care product that I had to break the rest did that goes down in my dick and she’s not going to buy that shit
so you got it you got it in your dick somehow
okay Brandon
so now you have to make a choice you want to fuck with Matlock
super sleuth Mitch or do you want to get them out do you want your dick to follow up or do you want to be become a bitch in front of your mom who is ready for that shit I like Cheetos and I give too shit for the right teenage Sons a good shit how did it get in the tip of your dick I’ll answer that you stole it
could you take out of my shampoo
pineapple muriatic acid know I don’t think women need lubrication the same way I mean you you always need Looper don’t get me wrong but like
don’t get me wrong I don’t think guys generate their own you know
look I don’t need you now we’re getting into current event yeah I don’t use I don’t use so that bullshit don’t do that I I I only use Brandon’s mom’s hair products.

Because if I can top of the line then really it’s collagen and Rich
should we get we be up here and find out what he is
is little Evie in the house somewhere
what’s happening guys what up what are questions have you asked your parents about your dick what questions
what do you put on your dash a boy is a loaded question is that the question you want me to answer okay thank you might have lost your dick I got to I got to go a silly putty hell yeah
yeah how do you know when your phone doesn’t know I’m the only one that volunteered information I’ve got totally made fun of for I think you’re 4 years old because I know I had to be at a board meeting at 3 p.m. we are meeting at Warner Brothers three months ago did you think did you sell
and you see how the Silly Putty you put it on like a comic book and you smeared out and you can peel it up and you could see the like Batman I got bored of that I guess you’re going to see your dick in the potty like a real like a real talk my mom is working or whatever and then I just pushed it on my dick
my mom was working or whatever I don’t know I just remember like no because
I don’t know where has no supervision and and I like some silly putty on my dick but I made sure I was like totally covered like I was like at a Shell like hell yeah oh you were being sarcastic
it seemed pretty so that it’s so then I just left it on and I went about my day like getting think about it I was like a move on to the next activity what was your day
the pain from a slinky
yeah yeah you got you got a dick is a very smart with a pool schedule wishing my time taking Silly Putty off of my dick
yeah you know like like the gun at the beginning of the movie that you’re going to reveal that like did you like go about your day and then you all of a sudden like somebody I don’t know I just think it was there for my mom took me out for like errands as I get my car seat driving around remember we’re doing all this stuff and we got back in his like bath time
and so we can call this act to ya maybe X3 where where where we at right now yeah I don’t know what having a good time during the day with silly but it’s like the best time to take the atonement is we come back from fucking
Funtime Junction and bath time and then my nn
we did a lot
can I tell you a secret
Jesus Christ what the fuck
and by that time it had totally drive so I couldn’t you can’t you couldn’t get no our deal breaker
so I just remember like we ain’t like I soaked in the tub for a while and then why did you tell or did you say I don’t know how that happened. I have no recollection of how do you spell young fucking shout out to Mom God damn we would not have the modern version of that is every mom I’ve talked to you that’s found their kid on the laptop late like the same age but they’re just like typing in the craziest like that’s how you think vagina is spelled my light like 4 years old just trying to figure it out and like getting rewarded for by this like
and hardens yeah yeah and then your mom had to so I can go to work until I can get it off your dick
I know it’s silly putty can dry and then it turns into like clay that’s as much as I remember yeah
remember being pretty upset and confused cuz she probably let it slip a little bit
like you needed on your mom to be upset yeah I mean I was in trouble I don’t think I grasp it wasn’t like to feel say then you felt bad throughout the day do you remember if it anytime during are we still young but you know like where you do your mind you just forget it and I know I’m being in the car in my car seat clocking like
this is uncomfortable
and then you just like hang out and wait to get busted by so many and then people start smelling
I know but you still feel like maybe there’s some virgin I’d like to know what my four-year-old self thought like I mean my dad to cut down this tree in my backyard again I was living a long island so this is like I was sick I was so young and I just felt like man that looks like a really great place to take a shit that’s on this cleanly cut like stump of a tree and my parents are inside and I was outside and I just fucking dropped trou and took a shet on the stump of the tree and I was like alright well that was interesting and then I was like well I got to go to the bathroom now cuz I got to wipe and so I went inside I wiped and I’m like I remember like an hour later my dad awake
he went outside to do some gardening or something it was like did you
hoping the answer was no he’s like
what’s the answer to be no dude you’re going to call Bob Saget the human shit on a fucking tree stub he let it slide but he was just like you did it or we have to move
I didn’t think about your choices here he didn’t he didn’t see me he didn’t see me for doing it it’s such a shame I never got to talk to you about this Gene I like I like I don’t think I kept it inside my whole life I don’t never talk to anybody about it I don’t know if my mom remembers that but if my dad were still alive it’s definitely one of the things I’ll be like you remember when that I know is that I like it was me I mean I thought it was a clean perfectly like sanded and like lacquered or whatever. Though right cuz there’s a little bit of everything like a cat would feel the same exhibitionism going through my mind
happy that was like motherfuker you brought me back from the dead to talk about shit story I remember being like I remember the excitement being like I’m going to be naked outside for a second I’m really nervous about it my yard is fenced in with the neighbors and I couldn’t see through is I kind of want to know I don’t you want to see this I don’t like thinking that and then I still went through with it I don’t know that’s like the most adventurous I’d been like till like I was probably my till tonight
print out the stomp tonight we’ve got to stop in studio at the rest when I share my sympathies I cuz I can’t really picture this stump a white oak and I did it and I never did it again thank you
did you make it right in the center was it didn’t look like a clean I wanted to look like a Hershey’s kiss in the middle of the Napoleon invades
the Wright brothers fly their plane at Kitty Hawk of the Rings of a tree and that is a center of it just wasn’t even if he takes a shit but I honestly don’t know.
did you take a shit on the on the on the tree stump and you were like, why did you take a human shit on the fucking tree they don’t have time for this what the fuck are you talking about did I take a shit what am I what am I I’m your son can you excuse me I’m trying to stay I got blacks over here I got the A and the be next to each other I’m trying to put the seat I just figured out I can put them in the middle does that mean in order to get high enough to make a pyramid I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m fucking sorry I’m two years old you just wasted a tense of my life with this shit
sorry I’m sorry
my wife
like I said if I was 40 I’d be like yeah fuck it let’s do nothing all day fuck you I just got here
I didn’t know I didn’t I didn’t you know what you know what you need to do you need to tend your own garden you know what I just I’m fucking like I might be a famous pianist you don’t know don’t fuck with me fuck you fuck you don’t look at me like that it’s illegal for you to hit me
we got some tree stumps
my eardrums are still like gelatinous membranes
we have report that we have someone matching your description.
unless you have reports okay it my problem is I fucking blocks do you want me to reveal that sir thank you would like to bring you down
I’m supposed to trust this system can we bring can we bring you down to the station to ask you some questions and then you can bring me anywhere I can’t fight you back my vehicles are putting do you want do you want do you want to answer questions
if you have nothing to hide that you have noticed the reason that we were you taking him down
motion for me behind where were you where were you two and a half hours ago
what’s what’s time
Sia dude see you buddy you’re Fox and you know it if you had anything on me I’d be in cuffs go fuc yourself
baby baby
I got this mother fucker did you give me fucking to our have fucking got this kid
chief I will I will I will wager my fucking badge on this case I fucking got this kid I got him
if you come here come to the house
mr. What do you want me to call you what you want me to call you even his name is Steven Steven Steven what did you have for lunch today so what did you what did you eat for lunch today could strain something veggie stomp what if I told you I’m going to show you I’m going to show you a picture of a tree do you recognize this tree stump sir sure TT yeah.. Whatever you want you want you want a timeout in 5 to 10 years or pooping on a tree
you talk to me like that huh what’s your what did you just say
talk to me like that again or you got the leverage right now I’m sorry do you think you have the leverage right now I’m looking at a picture of a tree stump that’s right out in front of your yard
thank you for making a fucking guilt
we got this son of a bitch
listen Mister leave and we can go round and round
I’d probably go to sleep do I smell something
when you get screamed at I think you made a little a little chocolate poopy
it’s not a crime if it’s not a crime but what if I told you that we can match that poopy to the poopy on the tree from earlier today Steven show him
we have your mother in here Mister leaving
one second showing that you didn’t poop your pants or poop your pants I mean
the only way to prove your innocence what if I told you that we found Trace elements of silly putty around around the poop
what if I could match that silly putty to The Silly Putty that’s almost certainly and here do your penis right now
it’s my front yard have been there a thousand times I might advise to you right now it’s a lawyer episode because we’ve got you right. You just don’t know how to read you know how to read I don’t know how to listen yeah if you knew how to listen you’d understand what I’m telling you right now and you didn’t I’m going to read to me I’m going to read you the ABCs of going to jail I’m going to giggle and spit maybe maybe maybe mr. Panda could be your lawyer maybe mr. Panda pants give me your lawyer maybe mr. Panda pants give me your Larry hey mr. Panda pants if you believe that’s great if you believe I’ll represent you in court
mr. Pants even need to put up with this shit or can I just take another shit fall asleep and if you can count to 5 you can go back to sleep my man yeah mister Levy if you can count to five as your lawyer yet by as you that you can go back to sleep and this case never happened
let’s hear it don’t have to do it for you know you don’t have to do anything you don’t you don’t have to do anything
that’s enough apple juice
yep it’s a certain point he’s going to leave everyone’s going to leave it’s going to be me and you you know what I’m going to remember who fucking back me up I’m going to be a fucking pianist I’m going to write a concerto it’s going to tear you to pieces you’re going to kill yourself
I don’t even need lyrics you going to tell C sharp that’s about me
it’s all good I’m going to be and that’s how fucked-up you are you still here
this whole thing’s been recorded right now
stop being baby monitor 2
I got I was born recorded
part of the fucking New Generation bitch I got no conscience fucking raps you’re having a long time ago in the tree tell me what to say
why don’t you just look at the baby cam
the baby cam and coding everything and it will back it up and the front yard all over the place you were fucking death of your dad know we’re dead
who the fuck put the food in me that turned into that shit the fuck cut the tree down whose yard is it who called the cops you fuck you’re fucked your fucked oh you’re fucked you want me to count I want to sing
yes it was me I got I’d like to talk I’d like to I got it
even as a baby I know that’s not the way to end
gangster term for talk okay I’m going to sing a song I know what you meant. Why don’t you just sit down and it move in. Okay you cut it down what the tree well we just got it we got it we got it
don’t you lie to me David
I got department for department store we have we having a baby cancer we have it on baby
mister mister Levy I hate you and I know you’re only two years old
can I get over here we’re in a scene about a baby be pooping criminal and your Police Commissioner no more about him and the baby
we could probably take we could probably take two years of your sentence if you go and confess to him
dissolve to police commissioner’s office and he’s real Skittles
I think a breath mint
wander around
such an easy question for you isn’t it
see from your placard on the wall you went to what West Point
was all the furniture was where you could hold it will you wattle
I want
you remember there was a time when you couldn’t
had to ask people to things accountability it’s so much
can I smoke
I think we both know
commissioner you and I both have a world a fucking problem here my diaper is a literal one yours is the city
they’re both full of shit
we both need to change you change me that changing yours you can have a lot of shit on your hands
and I’ll admit I’m in no position to stick to my guns can’t pick a gun up weighs as much as I do I wish I could change that but law
but I have an idea
how I can have two days later at the Statue of Liberty
why do babies go through the academy
listen baby just becomes a cop that’s how you become a cop
don’t touch it. That’s exactly how it happened
no matter where you live when you’re outside the states
brooklife Church
future protective statue or just Liberty I mean the baby can talk right and he’s just like Oh I’m a baby
fire fire fire watch the fucking show God damn it I’m giving you just watch Rick and Morty Jesus Christ fucking therapist
I said she just doing it because she know we’ve been over this has really got a thing in the sound like what the fuck are you talking about what the fuck are you talking about what are you talkin about Peter Griffin beautiful people really help
she understands the human but then she’s like TV she’s like
update your Netflix
update girls
please text turn into Millennial women who find themselves a look if it’s that hard to steal focus it means is going well the soup is almost done
I guess called the no-sleep podcast it’s like it’s been on for like 11:12 Seasons I’m obsessed with a creepypasta but then I realized that he keeps referencing but it’s for some reason Canadians are like like as a nationality like Canadians liquor the ones that are really into Creepy Pasta like it’s sort of like you like the Irish are into bootlegging in the 20s like they can take the kidney will look back when I do the Creepypasta foot phenomenon of course was being trafficked into podcasting by the Canadians for some reason it just it’s so hard to scare me when you say aboot like it’s so funny.
is a rune to the thing at the end I just think it’s so adorable you think it looks creepy let’s Creepypasta the the in the Incarnation of like Forum post and stuff where sometimes the line between reality is blurred as they always were with with campfire stories but now in the digital age Creepypasta I think it comes from copy paste so like the copypasta which is a copied and pasted text block just information why would you why would you do that why would you do
no one would do anything it just evolved there’s just kids like telling each other ghost stories online same thing as a campfire but they don’t have anymore cuz the world is on fire
did they have to do with food no because it just I don’t know it just arrives language fucking thrives it just fucking turns into other shit language is the creepy text block that’s been copied and pasted it
Creepypasta but I will say this the one I was do creepy as that there’s a guy goes this is creepy
action of the most yes but he can’t escape like he’s he’s and when I say old man it was for sure he’s my age but he’s so old that he like he can’t say that phrase Creepypasta without really making it sound delicious where is a I never like
you know any one of these days I may have something really specific to thank you guys for like over the weeks and things there may be certain battles that have to be fought in silence and things and I really owe you guys are fucking lot and we’ll talk about it on the other side of a tunnel that’s going to be worth it but the intro of a
what’s your how delicious pasta is
poodle breed an expensive on the podcast app is so bad and it’s fun to watch you go through that live it’s it’s really bad I just want it all so I wrote one for the if you’re a patreon subscriber of the Hill do one that I and I wrote one and recorded it so cool leave you can leave a second phone on this yeah I just said it down though
I was going to help but I was like nah
why cuz you knew it was going to be hard well I just thought that you were most of the way there but let’s just let’s save it for next time I come back now
I have I have a lot to talk about with Creepypasta podcast it’s been my new thing that you just cast one spell in D&D right now is I just like to say that we’re in the middle of a thing and you cast 11 spell do I have any spells left no need and rested that’s fucked up I’m sick of this resting you have spell slots you need to rest a tower who has a spell on us right now
what you all have your DM from the GM don’t use a weapon with its great contact stega you hit him right in the dick
we’re also lucky I didn’t drive here tonight
yeah man why what happened tonight every night but I just recently got a car okay yeah I feel lucky I feel so lucky
I feel so lucky that you didn’t drive and your phone is at 5% I feel lucky
play let me take you home tonight
backlit keyboard
Bridgeport arahill
Hertz we love you


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