Episode: 298 – Homeless Sapiens


Episode: 298 – Homeless Sapiens


Dan explains dog intelligence and Canadian creepypasta, while Schrab and Jeff demonstrate the perfect stage walk-on. Spencer tries MeUndies for the first time, and Dan plays himself. Featuring Dan Harmon, Brandon Johnson, Spencer Crittenden, Jeff Bryan Davis and Rob Schrab.


God damn right how are you tonight at home
make him jealous
we’re so glad you’re here welcome to Dynasty typewriter thank you so much for coming all the way down town let me bring to the stage someone you know and love Spencer Crittenden
a joke in Masters Jordan Air
Coming Back Remix sold out all over the city tour from place to place but mostly it’s couch is the mayor of harmontown Dan Harmon
have a good night yo yo got the Rhythm I got the soldiers I got your mama’s pussy in a bowl of cereal and now I’m going to rock and roll affect your daddy to gender equality what’s she going to do he’s from gender fluidity I fucked your sister even though mr.
that was my the pitch for gender equality but it turned into like a classic like kind of tranny joke from the 90s
I think everybody should be able to say whatever the fuck me with whoever they are I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care anymore I’m listening to this book on tape sapiens thank you for the author and he can’t be here backing to Anthropologie cuz I think they like the last book I read an anthropology was like a 1967 book The Naked Ape by Desmond Morris and I think like I’ve always been kind of an armchair anthropology fan but it’s different from being passionate about anthropology because those people read the stuff and learn stuff but the thing is anthropology is like a real loaded gun flavor it doesn’t say what flavor
it it may not comfort you like an anthropologist may say things like this guy at one point is ripping and just says like well actually brain size has decreased since the days of foraging because Humanity’s ability to create culture made room for an imbecile class and you’re just like what
it’s a loaded gun every single person like like basically when you couldn’t be what everyone was just running around like there’s a mushroom I guess I’ll live for another hour there’s a there’s a frog there’s a there’s a there’s a piece of bacon bacon works I must come from some plant or something right for foraging gives you all this nutritional variety and it like it also demands this incredible versatility in your brain and so there’s like he was talking about how to say do you like look if you’re at the book seems to start to tell the story of how or what is it that made human beings like ravage the Earth like like how why are we the the human species of which there are at least like 6
for sale that have walked the Earth many of them at the same time like Homo erectus and Neanderthal all that stuff you’ve heard of that before 9 likely but we have siblings that are gone and their blood is on our hands slightly weird kinds of fox there’s only one got a human and it’s not because they all don’t work like there’s room for a lot of kind of bear and it’s like oh like one species of human Homo Sapien as opposed to Homo erectus which I always thought was like I was thought there was like that you know Lydia never thought they were dumb genius leagues East on the earth in that chain that understanding is change such that we think that probably three or four we’re kind of hanging out at the same time right now
homo human rights which is new knowledge they first start using examples like horses and donkeys and horses and donkeys are separate species but they can mate so that you know they talked about what we we may have mated with neanderthals like like there’s a lot that I’d give you a 1% Neanderthal on your jeans as a horses don’t really donkeys and horses there at is it it’s at the first thing that would come into their head if you put them in a pan together you have to get aggressive about if suggesting that they do it or the or the horse has to be issues that they produce an offspring that’s not even fertile and then you take like but that’s different from like like like there’s a million kinds of God but they’re all the same species cuz they happily like you put them in a room together you go away have a popsicle you come back again
weird-ass boxer shaped like a slinky we we we we we we walked this earth like with all these different like specialized brands of human Homo erectus was like really good at making tools so good at making tools that that’s all they fucking did it was in their genes to make tools the way when you throw a ball your golden retriever like knows how to do something better than like maybe your mutt or your or or like a bull or like a Jack Russell who’s like well that’s not a mouse so I’m going to stare at the electrical outlet I lick your face until you have no more friends coming over Jack Russells are the worst
but you have to leave respect of his you that you were mentally ill if you know anything about mental illness and you meet a Jack Russell you you just like I can’t judge you you clearly sick sickness has been bred into you pair your face in person one of the lesser of rats that’s not cool at the corner of a coffee table cuz one day
they’re insane anyways but but sorry but read into them they walked the Earth for 2 million years making the dumbass tools they never turned that into making tool tools or tool tools tools tools which we are good at Homo sapiens the book implies now I’m extrapolating a lot for listening for an hour and a half car ride to the book that’s like 15 our book and I heard someone wrote it down somewhere and you could with the eyeballs
but but the implication is that is like we’re no better or no worse like I only take like brain science whatever like like if if truly is brain size and like like intelligence that like made you dominate the Earth of course by now there would have been ants with giant heads or he doesn’t say that cuz I’m making that up but there’d be like
thing that you always go to we kind of have that mythology in our heads literally that that that that that it’s like oh it’s all about that brain you going to get to that brain but the brain is like really hit-or-miss as an evolutionary trade it was like just betting double zero on a roulette even that’s a misconstrue or coined it really maybe misconstrue some stuff just talk all right
sapiens like are different the thing that separated us out so get this this is the uplifting biggest bummer in the fucking world business guy implies that the reason why we ended up wiping everybody out whether that meant fucking them in observing them eat and or eating them out hunting them just just just making him feel unwelcome until they they’ve deleted their Neanderthal accounts and like went away because they’re like I don’t like where this is going if this is what it takes to survive I’m going to go have a giant brain and live in the pine trees and if I can go to sleep that’s what happened to Homo habilis
play which one is habilis is that they were excellent listeners
it was great it was great it just didn’t win the war
there’s a good skill to have at the time
I didn’t win a lot of contest
they want a few important contest but they lost the tell me why I never liked I’m out but the what did the did the ideas put forth in this book is that what we are good at all of us is the cynical would call it lying which is not it’s not unique to us so primates why
don’t let me see the the the writers among us because that were interested in justifying our jobs or or getting through tomorrow with a Stringer step would say I would call it missed ology that’s what we’re good at a corporate lawyer would call it the ability to handle a contract like it’s all the same thing basically what CPP and you’re good at that that that gets us past the topping-out point of primate sophistication which topped out as as all of us with watch the sitcom or hung out in the room this size know it’s hopped out of the hundred primates like your ability to function as a group nobody in here there’s no cops in here but if somebody jumped up and was like hail Satan like we
we get confused and we would eventually figure out what to do but we’re really probably won’t happen cuz there’s a hundred of us if there are a thousand of us used to be 10 people going out Satan and they’re going to get lost in there going to be encouraged by the fact that there’s a thousand people to like and also we’re all going to start going to let someone else’s problem chaos chaos so what we handle it like 500 neanderthals they can’t do anything 500 Homo erectus sapiens perfected the art of like we have the lobes in our brain necessary to believe and shit that ain’t real we we we were able to be able to watch Seinfeld and here a hundred people and pretend that those hundred people represent a million people and just go outside feels great even though people didn’t come over to my house and tell me he’s going to help me out tomorrow but I’m not I’m in Seinfeld corner like Seinfeld the flags
Seinfeld symbolism it’s it’s this idea we can create like a connectivity between strangers that will never meet each other to serbians that will never meet can both have been taught from childhood by the importance of of of being a serve and identify and they’ll see the right flag on each other’s arm patch and what are whatever in the middle of a situation somebody to me might take a bullet for somebody else you can’t do that you can’t do no other even human species all of which are now extinct could do that so we basically it’s a bummer a little bit of a bummer
this is what we’re good at this is why we’re here we’re good at this giant mess that we’ve created that’s what we’re good at are you saying where the first letter I but yeah but yeah I guess that it I mean where the first were the first human species The first Homo in in in the homo genus where the where the ones that that that got really good at sharing ideas that never have to be true that that that can be so things that never have to be criticized but can be the most important thing in the world to wake up in bed and say because I am blank a member of of of of of a of a of an invisible tribe a corporation a country bandham political leaning a gender of race
a a a type of person because I am a quality of life person because I am I’m going to do this today and it will actually supercede things that for other primates and even other human species that are not extinct like they would be a harvest corn based on what did you say Mickey Mouse exists and then they starve and then those people that believe in Mickey Mouse come over the hills of theirs is
a hundred thousand people with Spears I give up I give up take me to jail
John about work or if you can reproduce with me and I mean they’re done these people like they’re done like the ones that are like their children are being raised in this environment by up like no we would we it’s called culture it’s called mythology called religion it’s called why’s it so depending on what mood you’re in it’s called all kinds of things but it’s basically like the fact that we can sustain a life based on nothing they said no like like and we sometimes get frustrated by that and go like god dammit you know you getting that fight club red pill mood and you go
big set of balls.
What you mean has been said that I mean you couldn’t you couldn’t you could if you could somehow figure out a way to hack symbology of Mythology to reduce all of civilization to a musically non Sapien mine site like you could turn us into animals again like we’re the only species that has the power to do that we have a self-destruct mechanism station I found murdered like the we can’t like I’ve had a lot of meditations on murder I’ll be doing some shows violence know but like just one of those of humans obviously they kill people but at the same time like you can’t kill someone in existence Society so like we have to be able to turn people into killers and then also turn the backroom Killers into normal people who can like function in society because otherwise anytime someone would kill they would become like essentially and unhinged
zombie monster you know like the fact that you can have the regret is like this weird thing but what that means is that we can we can use words and ideas to work ourselves into a literally a lethal frenzy that’s only a temporary state of hypnosis that renders is capable of doing things were not normally capable of and wouldn’t be capable of if we weren’t conceiving of this construct that we invented in her mind like that is like it’s a very human thing but that’s like it’s very crazy cuz otherwise you know if that didn’t exist in all of society would break down but because that exists like sociopaths exist kind of I don’t know it’s really fucked up in a scary yeah
yeah we all live a lie I mean it’s like when you examine currency and you go like one of the dollars back by nothing or whatever like like everything is alive why are we seeing that goes beyond any Charles Manson level Thrive actually things actually start clicking for us we watch The Sopranos makeup I get it Paulie Walnuts can’t tell Lieutenant pecker pickle what to do if my memory I have imagination anyways it was all based in anthropology we’ve got only the most qualified experts
I planned this out the show is meticulously planned it scheduled I’ve got the perfect guests let’s first bring out a hoco the gorilla suit with a spring at Jeff Davis first
in the world tonight by somebody chose to be here Jeff Davis involved visual bit hard to explain
it feels like the Milwaukee Public Zoo and you like waiting for the do the Lions to come out in the winter freezing your ass off there in the Chinese heated room eating hay but they’re Lions that’s how cold they are
I went to pay these mother fuckers Alliance
okay now I’m coming out now
a lion with a come out this is a bluff I’m happy to call it all right
play take me on the wrong night man I’ll do it I know you do you do have enough in you like to talk about what about this do another thing about those humans in our ability to create murder and stuff
I think someone almost got shot by a microphone accessory what was that I pulled on the mic cord and then a piece of plastic
in the face just toss it up here I will do it again
you ever asked for someone to toss you something and just let it let it lands one of the coolest fucking moves I’m going to tell you right now to this microphone
you for your help so much help Elizabeth Smart story her autobiography remember her do you know who lives in this part is he too young she was a true crime person
sorry I can’t Riverwood now I can remember what year it was when it happened but I do I was fascinated with the story because I remember because she had returned a vaguely remember that the vagaries in the weird insinuations are questions of a sort of like my Consciousness was like oh is that that girl that got abducted but she got abducted by a guy that may or may not have the Press was like oh she’s back but she may not have been abducted maybe she read it was like it was like they were like so it was like syrup you take to listen to her her book because it was like oh God like ridiculous The Narrative of guy just like came in the room she was 14 years old he’s going to fucking Bowie knife and he’s like get up and get out of bed and come with me and it’s like this is crazy
experiment like what if you were a good girl and you just didn’t like like what if you just didn’t want your family to get hurt and what if you just always see what if you just kept doing what you thought was the smartest the healthiest spiritual thing to do in the answer is this fucking creep who actually turns out to be like The Three Stooges of Charles Manson’s like it’s a if you detach yourself from her her plate like the guy emerges as a sort of comedic character cuz he keeps while he’s with her he takes out her and like like walks with her through thistles and brambles for 7 hours where he’s got a camp set up where he does the things that you would be afraid that they would do it since it’s all of the areas except all in his head at all about hell he’s a prophet and he needs a new wife and all the shit you know and she goes there Tastefully but also like it’s it’s it’s
she’s 25 at the time she’s writing a book and it’s very healthy very inspiring how like fucking like she’s just like yeah then that happened and I think she’s Mormon to write because it wasn’t it wasn’t that she was small is the smallest that we don’t understand in the story where is like like there’s a cop that comes up in the public library and she’s sitting there and she’s like she the cop is like I tell me your name and the end there in like we just use a logic to go oh woah course now it’s time to do this it’s not yet but it’s like she’s abused and she’s terrified the interesting thing about her book is that she swears she’s very adamant about the fact that this is different from Stockholm syndrome like lately and she’s been trying to make the point she’s a victims rights act at Advocate now and she’s like very very adamant about this which I think is just
interesting if I thought I was a good interviewer at all and I didn’t think that I was going to like to talk to you but I would never want to go near somebody that I could ever like accidentally hurt with my insensitivity but she just seems so fucking robust and makes fun of them for the whole book and it’s like I was just I took him at his word I was 14 and he was the guy with the knife and he kept saying over and over again if if if this ever ends
just ignore it trying to tell you about a horrible of Douglas and that lasted all your fault they give you ever dropped a dime on me you know like I will figure out a way to kill your family I’ll kill your little brother I’ll hit you. Just over and over again telling her that so that’s what she’s experiencing these moments of people are coming up to our guy hey are you are you the kidnap girl and she’s like she’s screaming her head
don’t involve me in this shit fucking save me is very very interesting perhaps about the computer that she was raised in the fact that abused or if you’ve already been in a society that denigrates women is the afterwards sounds like a phone to do.
I’m proud of you guys I was a good taper but obviously we can’t coordinate total silence and and you know some of you come here cuz you hate me but if you if you if you want to make me fucking proud
let him let him let him stew and just try as hard as you can just fucking abject silence they really do have to work for your love at this point but don’t do it because you think I’m gay you you know do you want me to win you know I know you love them if you love them teach him a lesson
teach him a lesson about stagecraft and respect
now back to Elizabeth Smart
but I really want to dress that cuz it’s like I mean I was like like they said the thing is like we we I believe her family is Mormon but it’s noteworthy that you wouldn’t know that from reading the book because I think her fate you know she was never like school because of my magic underwear was protected her all the stuff like it’s very clear that the dude is Mormon that the psych psycho is Mormon and that he’s abusing all these tenets of Mormonism it’s late like late that he’s always going to clear with her is that she’s basically like the American goal like that I think that’s what’s important is that use we think all we want are 14 year old daughter is to be you know unsoiled and never have had any thoughts of their head in some sort of interesting like Christ myth when you’re listening to it cuz you’re like well this is supposedly the American dream as far as what you you you want your family to have this white picket fence and all those things and it’s like there is this fight in your head that goes like will
Synergy so she’s so pure and modest and and humble and and so it’s like this doofus who has who has no right like like like like like he’s he does he doesn’t he doesn’t he’s exploiting it like she doesn’t know she’s being exploited and she’s not she’s just kind of it was kind of opening the other half of the time all your thinking is as in that South Park episode where they meet the the Mormon like the like the other half of the time I got to convert to this fucking religion because this is some powerful shit like this girl survived some crazy shit and it was specifically because of her face
these brand names gets fucked up Christianity Catholicism in case you want to listen to the book it’s like it’s not like she’s like selling that to you but she just she uses the force a couple times and I starring I think it’s really interesting it doesn’t write your own audiobook which is like cool cuz she’s like sort of like it’s like a mature like like like she’s like like like like she is like this is a real person and she’s she’s like she’s like mocking him with her voice do this and I’m like alright whatever
in any event, that Selena Gomez can play this role and have the worst possible fucking thing happened to you for a year of your life and you could have merged shitshow she was like she’s just a regular person and she actually keeps pointing I’m glad this happened she’s she’s like I’m grateful for is like if it hadn’t happened what would I be some snook that doesn’t know how bad it can get like she’s very lucky to be alive so I mean yeah as far as the percentage of people who have had a dude come into their bedroom with a knife yeah she’s one of the she’s at work it’s kind of interesting abductions
but it’s very slow because somebody actually live through it because of her because she’s on her own and she just kind of bummer is it a culture where survival is the new success but sometimes that’s the thing you need to remind yourself of I guess I don’t know
I I I might my personal Journey has gone from I am happy in spite of you you being you listening and I crossed the threshold of a certain point and I am happy because of you and I was glorious I was great and I am I am now entering my third active I am now again happy in spite of you
and I know that if you are a fan of funny you don’t blame me for that and that’s why I love you but like I can’t I can’t keep coming to you for happiness I got to be going to be 45 years old and be like here is how you’re happy if a 14 year old girl can do that in the fucking pin to where she’s actually being like I really I really I feel you you really truly believe that everyone was sure he was like you know it’s not like Beastie Boys Like irony generation Applause I did not help your boy.
but but don’t feel shame you’re fine the way you are next time
if you do it down front people are like look at this dumb motherfuker
it’s fine he was the one who is like excited that you were embracing internal forms of motivation and everyone else like they didn’t clap at all cuz they weren’t similarly internally motivated to clap you know it doesn’t make you internally motivated to clap meundies
really would you be wearing me on these this evening of course I’ve been wearing them like much like first class travel I have never gone back. Mister V it’s the cockpit if you’re listening the cockpit the diamond pouch called the cockpit I’m wearing them right now I’ve never worn them before today and I’m wearing them on my body and I got to tell you it feels like I’m wearing nothing at all nothing at all nothing at all
I didn’t think I would you what would you like to meet a person that had tried meundies and then was like now I’m going back to regular monster is that someone who doesn’t like just the right amount of support and comfort
the kind of person who does caviar taste too salty we’re not even going to look back and we don’t need
whoa that’s now they’re coming in from the battle proud of you so proud of you which is impossible to do
this is actually really good job guys while you’re broke at the end
you held out for a long time I haven’t got a sorry
$5 you can subscribe to the harmontown feed and see what’s happening cuz it’s hard to explain I got to say is worthy. I mean when I when I said Don’t Clap it was amazing I was the first one to cry Uncle I wish I was like that feels so harsh
play lead me to the under cause also also Children of Divorce
they were like I know how to be pitted against another adult
hand me an axe night my joy comes from too damaged to submit
yeah I can’t wait to I can’t wait to hear the rest of that that that sapiens book do you want to talk about the dog door mile what was going on just because I didn’t want to advertise that my house had a malfunctioning dogs are out of any kind of people to be like some guys like sharpening his knife on a whetstone did you hear episode 321 he says the back door has a piece of plexiglass on if it keeps coming up every time the dog comes near it posters of me in the wall with like the eyes cut out and try not to try not to hit his garage this time
but now that it now the old the old doors back installed in my I don’t know I thought it was such a funny I feel like you might want to at least take lead I mean I’ll fill in an ad and take take pick up the slack but I don’t know what angle you’re coming at this from and I had this thought in my head that maybe some of you have which I’m happy that I can relieve you of which is the idea that with money comes this ability to like just sort of like like make things happen like like like like like without caring about that whatever they like well I’m I’m rich now so the dog door is not perfect like I and I now I can’t even remember what wasn’t perfect about the dog door cuz I want to kiss the dog do I have but it it it I was like why can’t there be a dog door that doesn’t need batteries changed in it
and doesn’t require batteries to be changed in a fob in the dog’s collars cuz they make these dog doors where the dog gets close to the doctor and that’s what dog door open or unlocked and I just got a list of shit and also I was like an inevitably like I’d like to be electronic also cuz I have a Crestron system like a home automation system which is also never worked but one day I have this idea that I’ll be sitting in my bed and I’ll be like did you hear that honey
what was that sounds like cayots
don’t do that. By the way that’s exactly what coyotes sound like
that’s why they’re fucking terrifying cuz they don’t sound like an animal they sound like a fucking just like dude at Target like arguing with his girlfriend I just saw you just like what’s going on out there why is there a dude why is there a gang of dudes upset about a sale and it’s like I don’t you listen in there like what does coyotes about it is that then your dogs they hear the coyotes and they react to these random fucking waste sometimes sexually but you can’t tell the difference like reunite your dog reacts to a skunk or a raccoon and they get excited like a fucking coyote out there the dogs
text shortly like big is a Call of the Wild there like I want to go over to the circus and my teeth motherfuckers want to eat you ain’t going to fuck you if they do fuck you they’re going to eat you after like they don’t they don’t give a shit these are hungry ass wild cave dogs from like the fucking last Millennia come down here to it like if I can eat squirrels and Chihuahuas and don’t don’t think they put the dogs out here and there like I want to go out there I want to hear it’s like it’s the scariest thing in the world to hear that
so anyways I’m just saying like my fantasy was to deal with that and then hit a button and be like okay that’s enough of that like I’m not letting my dogs out
going to be here then your dogs are like mine is a skunk out there and they’re like that means it’s time for me to go attack the skunk and then you can bathe me for 8 hours and then you can change your cushions and the time to lock the door so I had this fantasy so I was like electronic and dog collar activated to they could they could pick and choose when they want to go outside but if I want to see him in for the evening because of Mother Nature I hit the button okay for my bed so like the last two years it seems like like sponges like I got it like like this is technically Spencer’s job but it’s not really fair to Spencer it’s like it’s just long-term like it’s hard to crack one of these things out really quick so as a result it’s like battle.
is it it’s like oh if I like the Mako there’s a video game can you get it for me or something like that cuz there’s not a thing as I can spit and Spencer does it also knows he’s not going to bug my friend about the thing in like a year and a half or so and then you’d come in and you go okay so I got I found this dog door so it meets your specifications and I’m always like yeah that’s great that’s yeah it’s kind of big and I’m I can’t whatever my dog’s big and then like it kind of sticks out from the door like whatever I don’t I’m not a fucking I’m not Martha Stewart I don’t care
function over form was Elon musk’s dog door
cut to the dog door is installed finally like 8 and its funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life it was this giant like picture of back door servers of the back door had to be completely replaced because the dog door is so big that no door no normal door can no ordinary door because it’s basically the size of a door the door is so big that have Spencer and I like we’re going out for the evening we might and we were wearing collars we may actually put less energy into leaving the house by ducking down and moving through the door that how big the dog dorias I compared it to the size of a knot mini fridge
I’d say it’s closest be it’s like a fridge inside hanging off the door of a chubby Criminal on a full-on adult hasn’t even earned being in your house because he’s not even his fat from his last Rama Ray LaMontagne I feel like the. Your dog is almost as also that size that’s the problem I ain’t going to do shit about the robbery fence
so we have one I got fences to beat the band okay okay been happy with just being a caveman and let my fucking Dino out into the backyard with the Bronco Burgers I get it now but I thought in my head I thought you getting money and then you start doing is James Bond thing where you let you can play Queen you do The Minority Report in your bed and your dog is like happier than if you were a regular dog owner it’s all untrue it’s not true like no matter how much money you get you can’t you can’t your dog just needs to be let out
and then let in after it’s it’s all right there’s no end run around it I’m sorry to tell you cuz no matter how many promotions you get you’re never going to get the stuff there in about sucking people
weird when you don’t laugh at shit like that it’s like a I think why did you buy a ticket I thought you liked my lack of empathy
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually no one but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes would like to my own life so there’s always a little t and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerds like a verb you’re always in good hands
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anyways but the fucking Dutton it is so hot Nigel fucking loves the thing night the shity little dog that doesn’t need anything because Nigel will find a way out of anything like Nigel you could just you could raise him in an environment that was like hermetically sealed but likely like he’d figure out how to get out anyway

it’s like he walks up to it there’s a giant plexiglass Guillotine ghost
it’s 9 ft tall Nigel like looks at it walks right through and it’s and pisses and eats his fucking rocks and twigs that I’ll have to go unnecessary surgery later it comes back
Harvey Harvey spent three weeks with this thing was just like like like shiting everywhere in the house that will Nigel just ran in and out I would let the both of them at look like Nigel come back in and Harvey would just sit there and go back and he’ll fix it stick makes a sound that makes him like a hour away from it I can’t say I blame him I mean it looks like a guillotine part of your modules going to another world like I am not going into that portal at all my heart as my parents like I’ve talked to parents and I know that they always secretly have a favorite if they have two kids I know it’s a thing that you don’t admit and that you can’t cuz legally with the parent Guild go get arrested
tutu kids and Monica’s like she’s the jam get from parents if they go like you know what one of the great things about being a parent is you realize that your job is just bring another shit head in the world can’t wait for Leupold 4th to prove I was right about my 13 your quickly like okay what’s that I eat cardboard okay fine I guess that’s what you were going to do where you were raised like I’ll just keep you from getting arrested after a few Margaritas. But I don’t like our son
and I did it having two dogs cuz I’m like 9 or that they’re saying I got a if you’re apparently you’re out there you like I love my kids equally well then I guess I’m not talking about you
play so why are you mad
you know like get you to suck my dick can you hit your kids no one knows that better than me
I got dogs I’m just saying it like Harvey heart Harvey is the smartest dog I’ve ever met in my life he watches television heat when he sees things on television that are supposed to excite him he gets excited I can’t get mad at him he’s like it’s like it’s like a whole whole whole here’s reindeer and he’s like a big beard it’s a whole shit ton of deer and I might Harvey Harvey take it easy and he’s like you take it easy there so fucking window with deer and and I can’t I can’t get mad at him cuz it’s like we’ll hit Nigel’s just like what what he gets mad at you just starts barking at Harvey and I just doesn’t Nigel just like his eyes don’t move at the same frame rate or
I don’t know what the fuck I tried to get clarity on this from scientist and that night he’ll probably just noses TV
it’s a television show
not Nigel seems a little more attuned to like the audio like podcast and stuff maybe I don’t know I’m trying to give him credit but the thing is they can catch a ball you throw in the air like Nigel that gets everything like Nigel like hacks everything he’s a mutt. He’s like a little grimy little street urchin and and so if you want I want him to be me I want to be a carbon copy of me I want to be like I’m Punky Brewster he’s Punky Brewster he’s my adopted kid I want to be I want to have that Bond but now Harvey’s my kid cuz he’s home-schooled he’s from a breeder he’s afraid of not being liked to the point where he’s be can figure out way before anyone not likes him like that he’s so sad that he should like maybe piss in a like when you come home and soak sorry I did that and he’s like so sensitive and intelligent and intuitive that he’s he’s got his little brother that gets to eat before him and like
he’s like I said that like the guy I love I mean like have you ever have you if you have two kids is it the one that reminds you the most of yourself that you like the least as my question send your emails to
Hermantown is happening to me. And that’s what you think you are you love that kid but if you’re not funny that you hate that kid but like also the ideal right is that you get you so you get your shit so together that you like okay I got a kid now and you’re like I live my life like that that that’s the ideal parent you’re not supposed to like like he’s a little soccer player 84 a little soccer player and then they get mad like that there that there like I don’t know soccer is okay but I like the trombone and you’re like what’s that fucking dick flute your plan
can’t you just admit you don’t even know you’re doing it like that’s the cartoon example like none of us would do that or angelitos some people really have a goal for their kids what they want them to do a little job and some people don’t and they get a present of it I ate the one that we all know is that you can’t there’s his hands off my I got a I’m really impressed with a I’ve said it before like I the only reason I think I have the capacity to have kids because of Cody’s sister she’s got her kids in like I swear I was like I was like when they were younger I was like you can’t fucking raise a kid like that you kidding me like like talking to him like there are equal and that’s the problem with our society on the ship but it’s like like it’s like these like it’s like this like consequences and ruled that the kids understand the rules and they also understand the most important thing about rules is that actually if it’s a fucking if you really are if you really got a bunch
sand in your crack you can you really want to bend those rules cuz they’re negotiable on the back end of the front end I’m saying like if your kids don’t get it it’s easier avoiding the because I said so sad because because I said so that ain’t no rule that’s not even a rule in prison because I said so don’t even apply in prison lately they don’t even like a year in prison and you know that like you can if you really fucking want it you can get whatever you being on like you can bend the rules so like and that’s where we send the people that we hate the most we don’t even care if they ever learn anything like we were really unfair to those people were like oh well you’re going to the pits of hell where you should just fucking suffer for the rest of your life and even there like if you if you want a cigarette you can get a cigarette if you want to lock picking a lock pick it was at like so like it it’s just that at that I like that I like those conversations were the parents are having their kids were there like hey like what
what are you what are you complaining about it but I want to watch Peppa Pig you know and so and so and so you want to watch Peppa Pig so bad you did what did you just do why am I at once why why are we having this conversation hit someone in the head with a fire truck and so so do you think we’re going to watch Peppa Pig now because of that sounds fun do you want the Bacardi or do you want the I just it’s easier on everybody if we click click probably says the parental expert on his podcast about and I would but but it’s put me off a kids is that guy behind me on the airplane it’s the
he is working class Chris Pratt dad that’s flying first class and it has that kid with him and he’s that you just hear this thing almost one-sided dialogue with his guys they will hey bro what do you want what do you want do you want do that bro what do you think what do you think that’s amazing language like the kids like to is like I think my dad’s a dick I don’t have no I don’t have the words for it yet but I think I’m being raised by a like Chris Pratt and I don’t like it I think that’s all I know about you is that you’re a fucking like mocking Susie just about every fucking thing I do like I don’t know what to trust like what it what it what is it that I do that’s actually gratifying isn’t my shoes a spaceship go suck my
suck my tiny little sister but that’s also that’s the problem is like with the kids get gangly and then we start being like fuck you that’s a big problem cuz this thing is like a weakling we could like Blended a little bit like right where it’s like hey like look I’m not dude just because literally like I think there’s a I think the reason why when we look at a baby we go booting and like we know that they actually if we didn’t do that if you raised a baby in an environment where they weren’t surrounded by hominid faces that were constantly going to head up like that they wouldn’t stop
going to be papa is it there and they turn to and then they go pass the salt
that is true if you don’t talk to your baby so don’t start talking and you can tell kids and haven’t been smoking I’ll look who’s here
maybe we can try some of these techniques you ready to come out are you did you did you have a good time in your special place Rob scuse me
did you do are you feeling better now about about stage time and when to come out and
yeah I’m okay with it I’m okay
I love you I love you I love you too Daniel
maybe tomorrow we’ll go to the sunflower patch
all right I’m trying to think of a kid’s life
tell Elizabeth what I would hate to ever yeah yeah that sounds awful and worse you just have a kid that was in the Minecraft like out of the box
Lego boxes as unfortunate figured if they’re not out of the from the get-go
like if they are like they are just like gaga goo goo and then you’re like Minecraft and they’re like Minecraft
I would imagine so alive baby that would like sit on a laptop next to me and if you like what are you what are you doing over there and they be like I’m making a week Garden on a cool can I do you want me to help you with stuff cuz I’ll I can simulate being a father
yeah that would be that would be so cool that be great I would be so cool
my post production supervisor at Community he had two kids and he said when I was he would go he’s at all I’m into Minecraft because he saw me playing it while I was editing Community that’s right
and then also in addition to that probably wrote A Blog in my head
dnp amazed go ahead
but he was like OU Minecraft and I play that with my kids and he had to like a server at his home and he would go home and play with his kids was like a digital sandbox a dad playing with his two kids Minecraft you know
once they will once they stopped carrying my Minecraft but then I would be like
yeah I’d be like don’t be like
you have get a drink and come back and play Minecraft
what drink is my Minecraft don’t ever say that again
Minecraft was you’re drinking
can I get that right
you need some more ice
yeah I think so I think I have one that’s 3 ish and the other one that’s 5 ish
what time you want to talk about this guy this guy other the video doesn’t really but do you want to talk about this guy outside your apartment it’s been a weird couple of days like I don’t know this is action what planet were in retrograde I think there’s five planets in retrograde I think there’s five planets or was
I think they went back
that’s okay. What retro means retrograde means they went back yeah yeah cuz like for the past couple of days things have been left my Spotify got hacked your Spotify got hacked by far my weakest password is the weakest password I got broken into and my keys my car keys not but didn’t have Kate car key on it we’re in it I I we want we want to walk down the beach left the keys my keys cuz I didn’t want to Karen cuz I only have two pockets I only wanted so I kept my keys in Cade’s car came back open up the door and and gate was like you must have lost your keys I go I must have lost my keys cuz I lose things I lost my keys but then
when I went to the gym this morning they said oh somebody tried to use your LA Fitness membership
yesterday but got rejected which made me feel like the guy was like to get inside your gym okay let me take this
wait a minute this isn’t you and that you went and then ran into the gym
you have to go work out and they were just dragging about no no no
I was trying to figure out
trying to figure out the most damage that we could do by hacking my Spotify account that they do sitting on for a week I think I think actually the only thing I’ll be a net positive cuz I think Spotify I’ll be like oh you listen to Tori Amos and marshmallow
you should come to this VIP party to you or is there for hey guys
I hacked in Spotify I did that bit in a text message with you I was shooting you the the comedian’s look of like in work
we are being really funny in my text message conversation with Spencer about it went over better on the text
unrelated my truck got broken how do you know it’s a related
cuz because it wasn’t related I mean it’s related
did that we were in the same grade that was retroactive
but and it was a vehicle but my trunk got broken and it’s at the car wash the car wash man said oh I can do that for you and you broke my trunk and he goes oh this brand new car always get broken I got but it wasn’t
Tony said why are you stopping are you okay Stan wait wait wait listen well somebody better fix it because it wasn’t broke when I came here and now it’s broke again self how do I heat the heat Brothers mayonnaise gluing my drunk together and I’m like what kind of glue are you using
because it’s hot outside I don’t know if it affected let me look at the package and I put on my glasses and I’m reading it I’m just I’m just turned into my mother what kind of glue are you using
well if you keep score
course it’s going to break
I guess around in your screw around in your room around your broke the trunk and now you’re going to glue it with this
Gorilla Glue
open work so you’ll be seeing me at 9 tomorrow in Los Angeles address what did I do I said the second most populated city in the United States gym membership username is Robert hot robot ever even living in forever and it’s like this intersection where clearly like the government has decided that putting a stop sign there create a leg back they looked at it from a bird’s I like well if you put a stop sign there the city will shut down
most ever look at the whole circulatory system of the city and then keep letting their big car accidents and let the insurance company because unlike a stop sign those only happen with rough
and I’m replying and I’m replying and I’m replying and all of a sudden I hear
Michael Winslow with outside your door
he’s now a UPS man
end antiques like these fucking Christ what did you do and I’m like I’m just replying to email to say do not reply. Reply going on with Mercury doing whatever its fucken doing up in the sky breaking my trunk stealing your car keys I got enough just to work out well it should investigate let’s look outside the window received a three-car pileup shrapnel everywhere and Tweedy in Armenian woman going on oh my goodness oh my goodness what we’re going back and forth and his other guy got my God oh my God you ruined my life you ruined my life I had this car for 3 days I can’t make a living without my car and you ruined my life you ruin
My Life tattoo 3 hours later oh my God I really
you ruined my life for something I can discuss and I really want my car you are my life and I was like what if he was like a marathon runner and his leg was broken or anything like he’s a Pianist in his fingers are shattered. Hurt like if he’s Doctor Strange is easy
Doctor Strange was strange enough I know you worked on the movie look I didn’t he seemed pretty normal he was like oh believe me I was brought in here with me pardon me that is exactly what I was thinking it would be like doing some Howie Mandel she putting the glove on his that going but I was like in this sequence where he’s like you’re acting very strange a doctor from Austin like home in and let him know they would like to know do some I thought I was in there cuz I was like the Rick and Morty guy like he’s Doctor Strange anyways
doesn’t matter now. You never have to wear green pants and a orange T-shirt with two big bean and I was like look one of these days this guy is going to meet Tony Stark how we going to the difference between the answer has to be that they had a different motive
I need the word sideburns Doctor Strange has the cape
so do you said you heard of you heard a crash crash oh my God can you imagine like all the permutations about like if you were a ballerina and like like your ankles are spraying or whatever like it was with the slightest like physical thing like somebody or in like an actor even and I was wishing he was going to be broken and if it was like oh God I wonder what that was within the guy was out there for 3 hours and it out there so long yelling about how is life is ruined it became very clear that his wife was not ruined because he had the ability to stand outside and yell about his life is ruined and he went into great detail and I was really focused on his car because it is like
can’t make money if I don’t have my car if my car can’t make money I can’t make payments on my car so this is overtime you’re like it sounds like you’re doing pretty good like I did on your way to the poor lady that was being yelled at by this man who already feel bad you know is being yelled at being yelled at being yelled at being yelled at the tow truck picks up her car first and leaves the guy and he’s like in my life I don’t have anybody to pick me up I don’t have any friends at least he has a naughty
which is his worst nightmare reasonable and I’m sure it wasn’t his fault I love to see you like that guide the rest of that guy’s life he might just be like we’re just getting a new car it’s so excited to be able to make all this money with my car guy thank you everybody. Thank you thank you thank you God thanks boys I’m going to make so much money cuz it’s going to rain in life I’m so grateful for I am not not a fucking shit and I’m and I don’t say that I don’t see that like he deserved it what’s on her in the car
is the defendant please rise yes yes yes Madam run into this poor man, yes I did okay you may sit down now so let’s talk to the other guy so will you please State your kid
take back what you said to call back Brenda I’m part of the problem
storm reaches to know if I could just read back you’re ruining my life you’re ruining my life my life his life ladies are not in charge of I’m talking to you I will hold you in contempt of court I am not a lawyer I am not a part of this I just want to use the gym membership
cuz I have a problem with my back right now and if I could just I’m just going to let these wait
the oldest game in the book The courtier you’re going to have to put those pounds back on before you leave
I hate these Cheetos
can I leave now I leave that I’m fat and gross again but I will try because you did you sent me you sent me the video I don’t we promise nothing but I’ll try maybe we can hear this guy cuz this is this is Rob’s wife recording it’s from the apartment her name is Katie okay
I don’t hate
you married us
well then she’s my wife too so I can see humanizer as much as I want
it looks like somebody’s Mormon okay so quiet
yeah he’s not talking
he was saying that so much that you were able to hear it and then someone got out their phone at some point like I mean he was saying it for a long time yeah
I mean the guy’s the video he’s hopping around like that so it’s okay to make fun of his tragedy not because he deserves to be have Misfortune but because he’s fine physically fit in all the ways that his mishap could hurt him permanently he’s fine and he just kind of pick up and down yelling my life is ruined I run out of steam pretty quickly you know this like like I’m like if I show up in a public place I’m like okay yeah I’m done alright goodbye goodbye you never see me again but this guy for 3 hours screaming at the top of his lungs you ruin my life of the commitment was that guy I’m this guy but no invite but he just get tired I know I could be I would I would have been this guy
hold down like I had that picture that guy I have never seen you like that 3 years old and it would befall me I was like are you fucking kidding me and I was like you could wake me up and I would be out of the Glendale Galleria like making a set like that or you ever like that once in a while a telemarketer called me the exchange like like like why is this happening to me like I was Christ you don’t like my perfect world that my father created yet hello mr. Harman this is a courtesy call and tell her who are you and why are you calling me but you know there’s just like you just get this righteousness about you like I don’t know when I was like 30 I was like are you like like well still but like I just got
filled with enough at that I was like I’m tired but this piggy needs to roll over and I think being creative and you have some language yeah worst person little bit like unfamiliar with the bullshit that their outrage I don’t think we talked about outrage culture in like we want to like dissolve it like a wart with nitrous or one of the visit shit that they would burn your war with nitrogen nitrogen being today let alone the princess or the prince that I am or where the fucking king or the lake lake lake and end up like enter every exchange that you have with an expectation that

it’s like fucking like because what’s the alternative to that till I take your cues from from a society that thinks you’re a piece of shit like how you should be treated as some people have to invert that shit and sometimes bet that takes the form of a tantrum you know I don’t like some people be like you know what I woke up this morning and I’m like why am I not being treated like a fucking human being
I mean like that unlock every door that I walked towards sort of like that I know I think I just had to take a giant shit I don’t know how mad is Maddie
I think it’s okay to pop off now and then I’ll be a poser fucking crazy hypocritical
let’s get back to bed podcasting
there is nothing about living in Telugu you live in Los Angeles people tend to get out of their cars and ran text you more than other cities and the heat remember Los Angeles is like a beautiful city Loop to walk into traffic in like less Angeles is very kind to the fucking pedestrian you you step into the street coming out of JFK and like you get a very harsh reminder of ocean it’s illegal to kill me here but they’re aimin for me and that makes New York run but la like like like like everyone’s coming from different countries and the ship but we somehow get a pound it into as that if somebody steps into the street even if you’re drunk and wandering in like with you that it’s on you if you hit them so that could be that could create tension for a almost New York size city where he like everyone’s going to get somewhere it’s like fuck you know everything’s on me if I make a mistake like that could create like fucking you know I don’t know could ruin your life
new in your life your life the first thing I’m thinking if I’m over hearing that is uninsured big lake he has my support because it’s like what the fuck is it mandatory for me to have a fuck like if somebody hit me and I was uninsured for a week because I was between jobs all the shit that would fucking send me over I think I think to do was just being real big asleep cuz I think it’s your fuck you’re really quiet when you would ship pops off that makes your life really is nothing wrong but I was like I’m going to go to the Gap and like I I like literally Blakely told me they told me don’t I told me you can’t drive
he took his little canoe out into the canal I was like I’m going to catch some fish I’m going to come back with them I’m going to make my Village proud I’m like I’m I’m and for that to be taken away from him because somebody like when it was their fault technically it’s his fault the woman ran into him he got sandwiched between two cars so then we got the worst of him and I understand the outrage I don’t I don’t I don’t like I just get it like I used to like like if you’re kept yelling at him insurance
she got insurance insurance and he’s like you can’t unless you sell enough pizzas and I can’t stop pizzas unless people like me
I understand that I do and I will vote for him when he runs for because he’s I don’t know if it went into my ears while I’m trying to reply to my emails and I’m hearing this outside it was distracting that I had to make fun of it I try to talk about it at Homo sapiens versus neanderthals neanderthals to be like wait someone’s someone’s life is ruined did you say homeless Sapien Homo Sapien homo Neanderthal has Homo sapiens are the only species capable of going oh there’s a guy here a guy screaming my life is ruined sounds like a job for the mythical thing I’ve constructed in my head called the DMV the state of California the rule of law that responsibility Barack Obama
I don’t know like you get you you have all these concerts in your head you’re like I would do more harm than good if I even go to the window and look out of it but if you’re if you’re in a tribe of 150 people and you were like you heard one of your best friends but my life is Reggie be like it’s the shity part of me that’s good to sleep in but but we are capable of creating cultures were actually a pretty good job today hurt a guy screaming my life is ruined didn’t run to the window to take a picture today back for a little bit of numbness cuz that’s how you get through a plane goes down with 300 of your of your fellow species and you drunk are you on my side or not
are you at work what do you know that you’re smart version of you I’m so glad they’re so happy that that guy would be so happy if you could put them in a chamber that sucked all of his Misfortune out and then you told him someone recorded you screaming my life is ruined goodbye and 150 people get it it’s downtown at the Monday whatever for a second cuz they weren’t like what an animal he should be stuck with a spear until he dies although I do it again I will say maybe that do deserve it yeah
huge thing with the sapiens guy talks about that’s why everybody needs to read this book could this woman who it was her fault she even said it’s my fault it’s my fault my fault was sitting there she was like being screamed at by this guy everybody in the neighborhood was huddled around her like like are you okay do you need to be like this guy ain’t nobody caring about you like he probably had a neck injury going to hit really hard yeah I think it sounds like a ruin his life
kept avoiding him because he just was he was at at at 10 and stayed there and never want to feel great at one point you know I heard him like talking quietly and I’m okay well this is the part where he goes okay boo up there I’m really sorry but you know I just whatever if we could exchange her insurance information I think and I was like I think it but no he was like going just to your sorry just say you’re sorry she say you’re sorry you ruined my life he was just quiet yeah I was just kidding like enough energy back to scream at her as he was driving home to her family and home and warm but that doesn’t mean that I was on his side but like I may just say you’re sorry and I mean to you
means whatever he’s 20 that’s all I can get you know I mean you don’t like a fender bender in there like you don’t know what the fuck it is like like what are you do like no one tells you they tell you and like driver’s ed class and whatever but like come on like a light tap in Milwaukee like that the roads are icy for 9 months of the year and it’s like through no fault of your own you just like you tap someone’s bumper and it’s really up to both of you collectively whether or not all of a sudden pull over and exchanged the information to just feel like such a like no one can leave their house prepared for that it’s crazy that I used to think there was a third person involved with his accident. Everybody was huddled around the woman who it was it was her fault
nobody was avoiding like the plague the guy screaming up and down and here’s this guy that’s just kind of
I guess I didn’t third guy
everybody of this audience at all of us right I’ll take my cues from you I didn’t get out of bed dude not fuck around with Society at the same time I will draw a line we don’t know where it is but I will drive
I got 12 people that will pick me up right now but I don’t know what am I supposed to do
well prayers out to every single person in that accident sounds like everybody got a way like lake lake goddamn like it like it could be worse like it always feels like a terrible thing to take solace in like you’re in a bad situation do not help you you know well fuck off but I have to say I got to take Elizabeth Smart fucking like she sold me on the it could be worse.
Elizabeth Smart like broken down to Game Theory I don’t want to use harsh language in lake lake illegal a gazelle sound like I’m making late cuz whatever but this girl was through the worst year of a 14 year old girl’s life said that aside from getting murdered afterward you can never be true and and she and so she Recaps it she has this looks sort of Bon Vivant Styles like they kind of like like she she checks it off like you like she’s like she’s like this is what happened to me and you don’t want every single time something bad’s going to happen to me I kept thinking well it can never get any worse than this and every time I thought that it kept getting worse and so I started to learn after a while it can’t get worse than this and that’s what it started to get better right
but that’s like but she was like I hacked the spiritual system that she was like well I owe I’ve gotten to a place where I need the other half of you goes yeah but that’s how we’re all conditioned by things like organized religion to suffer abuse you know like like literally is a thing that keeps us and it makes us different liquids that the homo sapiens like we’re able to believe in the ship that doesn’t isn’t real but the important asterisk on that is the real doesn’t matter because once you get it like this species we make the unreal real so corporations they’re just real like if Disney’s a corporation like and everyone believes that Disney’s a corporation which it is even though that doesn’t mean anything Walt Disney isn’t alive there isn’t anything like just needs just a belief it if it existed like
can you play A Tribe that you ever on record things but ultimately like hey
several thousand people like like oh I got I got fired today and I don’t want it like it would be because this belief in the system like the belief matters the belief in the dollar the belief in your taxes is the belief that you are a citizen of a country like the understatement to say that oh so much of our life is based on these like Fabrications that have nothing to do with reality because that would be the most it when you really think about it’s like well what did you do today what govern your life today that had anything to do with biological reality you took a shet you sneezed like like everything that had anything that you that you culturally like registered anything that was actually meant anything to you your self-esteem lake lake most importantly like whether or not you think you’re a good person like I do it all had to do with like fucking crazy like it doesn’t exist
but it does exist that’s the it’s not that I don’t think the important thing is for us to realize it doesn’t exist cuz I think that’s what a raccoon would do that’s why I raccoon keeps going through your garbage and the raccoon will just look at you and go that doesn’t mean anything that doesn’t make a raccoon a hero or a villain it just like makes a raccoon but Christopher that raccoon is that if it doesn’t stop fucking with the wrong person’s garbage it’s going to die because of a belief system that that human has like decided on it like okay it’s okay for me to poison you because the city of whatever I live in doesn’t care and I did
is jet is Jeff that then when it went went on with you and Jeff backstage now tell us now reward us for our patients what went on back there what was your strategy cuz ours one
I don’t think so
we were having a ball well I think we had a pretty good time to didn’t we kids yay
I love like the people I didn’t see clap we my mom pick me up on Tuesday and got ice cream that’s fine I love them too I don’t demand fealty that’s right that’s what makes me different from your fake gods
I’m the first God to say to you hope you know what I know I heard it
that’s your first and last Commandments let me earn it stop it stop it
too late for that concern
it’s just so what he dies
walking uphill
I bet that’s what Kate said to me one time like I would cuz I do bit you know when we’re driving in the car you remember those carpets like it’s like me testing out material usually it’s me singing the names of
the signs that I get out of 25 miles an hour on a cake of talking to you is like walking uphill
and I was like and I started like almost crying and didn’t he just started laughing your ass off and I’m like that’s not funny and then I started laughing because it was pretty funny but it was funny because it hurt my representation of your union but like also that’s like your best partner will I had a girlfriend and I was like I said I was like I was I was joking because I paid for first class tickets and then they were like we’re now admitting people who need to see it first and whatever and I was like new to first class and I was like there was a guy literally with a cane that was clearly blind and I said as a joke but you know
into my jokes when I’m in private I was like so what do I got to do a release it first so you know I find myself a joke I was at it didn’t it didn’t matter what I said was like the joke was I’m first class but the blind guy gives to get on the plane first winner of the $1,000 I wouldn’t have said something if he would have traded he would my girl can I see my baby my girlfriend said no but he got blind doing something cool you could have been an ass hole that that that is designed to make Ebola
I can’t see thank God
my point was
I wrote you remember these singers cuz they’re actually like I like my girlfriend at the time said you’re like a watchdog group for one and I thought it was I thought it was really funny and skinny thing on here really kind of her it was like yeah I really like the most ridiculously horrible narcissistic person but it was an expression of like wow it’s like looking for a partner to be like you are awful
it’s the same time and I think this is the reason I started laughing
is because I was because it would Kate week cuz we talked about it for a long time just the second why we were laughing and he said the reason is is you were trying as hard as you can to make it feel like I was walking uphill listening to this if you were trying as hard as you could to be a horrible person we need it which is what couples do the rule just fart with each other then you can be like you’re awful cuz that was awful
and in the email. Yeah it was bad and then it like let’s get back to our partnership like in all other matters were best friends but but don’t do that again haha I want hahaha yeah I’m from Missouri so if you want me to show you a fart
so why we don’t fart in front of one another ever said that Sarah was going out with Jimmy Sarah Silverman going with Jimmy Kimmel who do you think like an Enzo me and McGaughey we did a whole marriage was like the only thing I learned from it is that’s nothing you can do that’s a total option like it was it didn’t make it worse it and make it better right but I think I actually would have taught me is when I was when I was a 25 year old kid like who was like oh I Associated like farting in front of each other as like with like a threshold of intimacy that actually had to do with abuse while at a word that word is too heavy but but like
like that that it was like oh you’re family now which means you’re like like I don’t respect you now we’re not we’re not we’re not becomes what it signifies like what you don’t matter to me you know that’s what you don’t want to isn’t a problem going to making farts symbolic in any sense for the relationship means something is it bad to be like whether you’re doing it in front of each other not doing but making it mean something that seems like what water what are we doing
I think you may be the most right and most wrong because it is yeah you’re right like first of all good luck making farts not mean something that mean the wrong thing getting that place was just well Furniture just when air is expelled from your anus like come on Good Luck they’re hilarious and but at any given time it’s like it could be like if someone saying they love you and then you fart like the timing means you don’t love them or whatever or it were if they’re farting more than you cuz they’re lactose intolerant and I don’t want to open that door like sounds like Madness so but I do think I do think you’re right in that if you maintain the idea that will farts happen so they don’t have power over us so if I do fart next to you it doesn’t it can’t possibly mean by itself that I don’t love you it’s really not supposed to do that’s not the point of doing that
will be whether yeah but the big. I think when I was younger growing up blue collar and kind of Midwestern in like I like it just sort of cultural things as like I think I had it in my relationships like if you’re if you’re listening to this and I doubt you are that and you dated me when I was 19 I don’t think you’re listening this back at best but I think hers is like oh yeah I was like yeah and I like those flowers and candy and then we started farting in front of each other and then it turned into like kind of trailer park like what we’re ball and chain each other you know what I mean but that has nothing to do with the fart it has to do with the symbolism of a refrigerator which is that’s probably the real problem your
you’re going out for her right now because it means I love you your dad kept a big
barrel of pretzels next Nexus recliner do you remember Zariah he would have like a big Costco’s big thing of pretzels Rod dried out nasty next to his recliner giant brick pretzel and then you would eat if I would eat him I’m assuming your dad would eat them and they were it was always fools I know it is only for another Barrel yeah I went out into the garage where where there was the Jukebox or whatever that he had their whatever and they were all these barrels and princess
your dad liked big fucking pretzels they were big ones they weren’t little he got it he gets it he might have had the recliner the remote control and the pretzels in Arms Reach and backup pretzels in the chamber next to the Jukebox because he probably noticed he probably like one day he came home in a second and then he was like wait I have money get put a billion pretzels pretzels I like how much for one was about $15 out
everything you got
here’s my address how much does ship it to my flight it’ll take us to meet me there in 15 minutes we used to make fun of my dad because my dad was you subscribe to this company called like Blair that was like his base of his all his clothes came through the mail and we just made fun of him cuz he was like oh you dad your clothes come to the mail come on when cut too I had a half of our sponsor put some socks on you like I’ve built Bila Bila Bila booty and then but butter jig Chico and Delivery Man fires like
Austin everyone’s going to start respecting me right now go to work are we human
we have a deity
yeah we should bring Jeff Davis not waiting because Jeff thinks that his final revenge is going to be in the form of us going where are you where are you to silent don’t you think he’s not back there
yeah cuz what I won’t do is beg for it won’t do it but I won’t have it done to me I introduced him he made a bit out of it
Daddy’s going to lay in that bed I’m willing to be even Steven I’m not going to like take revenge I want all I want is friendship and the quality Saint ever wanted
yeah you sound dangerous right now
say you’re sorry
have you ever weaponize that like think back to your life going like cuz I visit like like oh just say you’re sorry it would be so hard to say you’re sorry it like have you ever been like it is hard to say you’re sorry like like like like and it should be that should be a big deal like God dammit
he doesn’t care if I’m like breaking through to the inner rage he’s a God damn
why do you wait when it’s done I don’t I can’t say that I can read a note from Rick and Morty hell yeah let’s see give me a
it’s so much.
It’s so much more I can do is if I just typed Rick and Morty did that
I like to be looked at me I want to talk about like I had this I mean my new favorite thing is Canadian Canadian horror podcasts
play Christmas podcast about the no-sleep podcast
yeah why are you guys okay Kids in the Hall so Canadian it’s so funny like I swear and I I said to David Cummings host of of of that podcast like I wanted to ask Chris cuz cuz like I don’t like it when people are like they like they hit people are going to Dan Harmon made fun of you in his pocket or whatever like that guy that was like up and disappeared or whatever I will fly you first class to Los Angeles to be on the show and celebrate you guys I love your fucking podcast to go to sleep to it every night like like but I am so now here’s the part where you may be using but I just love this Creepy Pasta podcast nae nae nae and it just starts with this like a creepy music and this guy that sounds like Scott Thompson from Kismet Hall goes like is the darkness descends
choosing Wilderness and your heart Nightmares come out to play it’s time to surrender to the horror
cuz tonight there will be no sleep effectively scary when you’re that Canadian which I want the river is like and every and the top of everything it’s like he this is welcome to episode 7 of season 3 of the no-sleep podcast a few orders of business we are raising the price on the patreon silver package
until tonight’s tingly spine-tingling tears of Terror are about $0.73 per spine tingle cost-effective and you all remember Otis reddis from our last night he’s having some trouble without going into too much detail he need some help there’s a GoFundMe page with that like the GoFundMe allow always be like a weird Canadian version of go by me like there’s a royal Federation Super PAC page of the help guys it’s time for the music It’s called The no sleep I guess why we literally sleep to it because it’s so comforting it but he’s he’s so adorable I don’t know if he wants to be adorable
you’re off at like cuz I’m starting like back I have like seven seas has to go before I’m caught up so I’m still at the area where he’s like a new a new advent of the podcast you’ll notice humble website we have something new called trigger warnings
for those who don’t know trigger warnings are
free advisory about the type of contents that you may encounter during a scary tale two scientists single you’re spying always seek to frighten them terrified by what do the Safeway that makes everyone a happy don’t forget bowling league is next Tuesday and I think I might like if that guy if I I love him so much and so I hope I hope I know it was going to be like like like I don’t know like like so I’m saying is like please come on the park at like I will rose petals for you I love you it’s so it’s such a great combination Canadian accent and terrifying Tales
they’re not just mad monkey posture is there like a creepy pasta so like a lot of them are like fucking hardcore from a neighbor who thinks maybe when you’re planting your garden you’ll have to be careful for as their next narrator says the carrots in the soul I didn’t say music Rock Hill affect some like he’s always apologize I got married is but I’ll do this next to an any way for a long time you don’t need anybody just fucking do it baby Becca I want to hear all your accents he’s like it’s something she doesn’t like I’m from Chicago and I like that
I watch the Channel 6 off the building that was a scary one yeah I know that confused me too
why would the next one be able to push your fire that the answer is because it’s time to end the show and tell people that I’m in the ending
music star that was so much business a lot of the stories are Canadian too and you’re so charming and do this next one’s pretty never forgot it.
Play cool yeah you mean privilege is flashing a ghost from Splash and it wasn’t a raccoon boy the cops came over and they gave me a wag of the finger they snipped my joint underneath the park bench said you know a lot of people wouldn’t believe your story but it ain’t my job to judge you and he walked away but I’ll never forget that spooky bench by the lake
interspersed with totally America just like I got raped on the dark web because I clicked on the wrong thing and fucking rabbits came in the window and raped my fucking rape flashlight
is the last section of the internet to have any fucking Health to it I am out of the rest of it all right what else do we have to do let’s just sign off and see people next week I just got can I please just cuz it people think I’m kidding but I I just got to have children talk about that for a second I do want to have children why don’t you yet what’s wrong what do you do with it I do somewhere
I have every time I I take the TV show I’m like are you sure this is going to be on TV because my children will find me children because I date it’s racially and what I don’t want to scare you.
A little bit of misogyny can be a trying time for an upstanding citizen mixing goes wrong
join me Raider Brandon Johnson for the story of how I booked an Indian girl
I know that’s the way it is
I know is it we’re waiting on you and children sorry I didn’t mean to cuz I want to ask
you pretty much know it’s not going to happen for you that there’s there is that
did you find it yet
doesn’t having kids seem like an irresponsible move right now like we could like it’s like back in Sparta is probably a bad move to have a kid just to top off. Off a cliff you know it’s like it feels like that it does feel like that I would have kids I think that would be okay but we’ll never know do you know so way to bring that down seem to work Cayenne has no internet or it just thinks it has AT&T and AT&T seems like it’s even worse than Verizon in this exact location on for however in some of their judgments of really judicious company I think that Mom
who is the widest Network in the country headlines about pedophilia I think our fantastic decision I would I will exchange my fucking life and for what are wherever they want to go
this next tale comes from a man trapped by his plans for retirement
in a tale called why the fuck is everyone bent out of shape about this didn’t I come to this internet to do exactly this
what’s your favorite Wherever You Are
giraffes Robin
thank you
shout out to church we love you all good night


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