Episode: 302 – You Can Freeze Me For Seven Dollars


Episode: 302 – You Can Freeze Me For Seven Dollars


Dan is baffled by an Emmy seat filler, Schrab has a new favorite TV show, and what happened to Wicker Man? Featuring Dan Harmon, Brandon Johnson, Spencer Crittenden and Rob Schrab.


walking to harmontown how are you feeling tonight you look gorgeous
how are you feeling tonight
are you happy to be here it’s so good to see all of you ladies and gentle
welcome to the stage King Master king of all Kings Spencer
I have the unique and special honor of bringing to you now two times any winner
yeah yeah yeah
rap to the beat the rhyme rap to your mama’s booty wind chimes blowing in the wind is ringing around a bucket by the pound went to the deli but your mama like a lion pounces on 95 but your mama just to stay alive of a vampire I got to suck your mama
knock it down. Your mama’s pussy down where was building 7
you noticed your you’re you know your mom is busy does not it’s boiling point is less than steel or just start asking questions America
stop. You fucking sheeple
yeah I mean like what we had her 300th episode was the last thing we did right and they watch that clip of me trying to learn from Open Mic we didn’t episode after that
I just I don’t know why I can’t learn to fix the blues you keep drinking too much Ralph Macchio in the movie Crossroads I don’t know why I obviously yes I do yes I do have a story from from from from Emmy night that I don’t think we’ll get me in any trouble you were at the Emmys I was at the Emmys and I won an Emmy we all obviously
and when I mean is when I say I mean I mean the show that I work on but like what where are you know it’s me it’s this shows about me I won an Emmy in mixed company I’d be like you know who won an Emmy is Sid in marketing remember when they marketed Rick and Morty successfully that fateful day yeah thank you Sid
it isn’t a word for everybody thought you were saying I do have so we we maybe I oversold it by saying that cuz it’s also like insidiously not crazy it was just a bad thing we didn’t listen to do any of these like Creepypasta podcast stories about little shitoryu encounter like you accidentally like open this lovecraftian add vent window on the calendar of your monotonous life and they rode the subway wrong and then the people had tentacles and Slender Man was like what next stop I have no face and then I’m going to need but then you went back on your life never touch an elevator wrong are you going to tell the Amy Storey in a crazy Canadian voice
I don’t want to put you to the Emmy Awards and get on with your peeps like so in like a big production we got like a basically a full Row in this Auditorium is sort of like you look down the road and you seeing people that you work with and that are there tonight for dinner on the show and but that’s not you know you don’t recognize everything so that’s not necessarily I think that you’re conscious of them so just in case he’s a cool one shows a blast and I’d been sitting there with Cody and then there’s another role behind us and Brian Ridley’s back there and then it just like it is a people like another whole Road behind us and people are chatting and things and in the
slowly fills up in Justin’s like rolling in with his girlfriend like really close to just like the lights are going down and they’re going to do a guy comes out and he explains your acceptance speech has to be this long and when you if I do this you got to do this or whatever and it’s like not a big deal like standing the aisle and he’s got an estate and it’s like he’s like making this gesture and we finally realized oh shit we look at the row and there’s there’s one seat empty and he’s standing there with his day and he’s going like we’re all having to be hushed now he’s like oh God what does won the seat open and see if flurry of Hispanics are so I don’t know when did reveal that this whole time in the story that there’s this guy sitting there that is alone and is
not that work on the show and is and is just started like he look like if I was casting this movie Joe lo truglio as I just got a man in a in a in a respectfully diminutive package is that is not a big Bruiser is not a it’s not a it’s not a basketball player as exactly kind of language here I am I’m a guy I got my frame and I’m occupying my space and he looked good in a suit and and he was sick he was sitting there when I got there and I got there you know pretty early and it was like filling up and he was just sitting there so who is going to be
Altima to look at my ticket and put it in a look and I go see her in the 3:15 and look where you’re at I’m in 3:13 or something like that cuz I ain’t even 3:14 and it is distroller truly all guys like next to her at all right. Just watching it all in full
he’s just going like like like already but we’re still airing on the side of caution by going to Cody goes
sorry what’s what seed are you in and it looks down between his legs and he looks where the the seat thing is 315
okay well but also that doesn’t explain like just him being in the wrong seat doesn’t explain anything but not sad not supposed to be there right when is when is playing everything yeah but no one’s going there in their head everyone’s just like okay so fascinated by what happened it was too much but I’m analyzing too much during the story cuz I’d like to analyze it forever after the story but it’s like looking back on it my perception is
his goal with the fucking blend and you don’t Blind by just ignoring everyone at should be part of the fracas he was helping out and it wouldn’t be any guys like like
and he gets up and he switches seats with me which skirts the issue is
I’ve been sitting in 313 my whole life and I’m 315 who’s going to judge right now so I didn’t like so I’m switching seats at this guy isn’t going to get you out the situation with there’s no Authority really like it’s not like I’m going to go get the kid with the flashlight you know it’s like the biggest theater in the timing wrong in the anxieties right like you don’t you don’t do that I hear it feels like you don’t know what to do and so because no one knows what to do with the urgency is it keeps tightening something happens if something just snaps and that’s the part of the story I don’t really know because somewhere over there where the switch seats with me somebody finally has an exchange with him that very quickly gets resolved and he goes like
just leaving and then it like Ben Justin and a nod to you’re going to go sit down now and end of the wake of it was like okay cool what the fuck
and then and then the person that was over there that had had the advantage of the he said he was a seat filler
no no I don’t know someone is misinterpreted that job description
This is Love logic tree branches here I’m going to be like okay world most like dedicated sheet filter
Paul Blart seat-filler like that’s the bid is like I’m going to buy was born to fill seats so I’m going to fit my mom always said never leave the seat unfelt I guess just some perversion of it that doesn’t exist that’s not real then a cousin of that theory is I just picture the guy like it’s something like a seat filler culture with a guys like you ever hear of Dale men know to tell what is season 3 of Nash Bridges
Golden Globes
Jeremy seat Bell’s next to Melanie Griffith in the bathroom food poisoning Jeremy ends up going to the Governor’s Ball with Mel now he calls her Mel you know why it became an associate producer the next the following week
you know Bruce Willis was a bartender and then he like he said to come out to the coast have a few laughs while he was making a drink and so it was like say that again. OK Google Moon Lighting for 8 years and then some Seagram’s wine coolers in high-stakes in like crazy stories and they were his face
I might have better than someone made the joke goes like with Justin rolled up that the guy was like yeah nice try rookie seat-filler larious a severe laughing about that but here’s a here’s what I I swear it’s rare that I I genuinely believe the crazy or more Art Bell thing I don’t think that any of that stuff explains that I don’t I don’t believe that he was a seat-filler explains the thing I think that he may or may not have technically been one but more importantly he was part of a fucking crazy like weird thing that ten years from now there will be a Netflix documentary not just about him I won’t be like it’ll it’ll be Catholics eat Steelers and it’ll be about the fact that like there’s like five or six people that know and then everyone
every award show there’s always like a big thing we’re like there’s sixty people on stage I always go up for that likes would seem like like stardates and and I was just thinking like I just wandered up there and that would be but not if you did it once but if you did it twenty times over 20 years I just you just decided like I’m going to do it till I get caught and if I get caught then I’m going to be like to see what I can do I got to request all the footage and I’ll be something together I just that it’s like like like this is art or something he just had this look on his face I look back and we met a gremlin we met a unicorn as we brushed like that like with to a creek sound like like like something real something mythical I wish you would try to shoot at the BET Awards
what if what if of course there’s like one little navy blue coat like that guy he did not want to stop feeling that seat and a thing perhaps you wonder how someone takes to get those balls how do you get the balls to sit there and energy do you know why am I better than a seat filler or they get out of the first you’re going to your minds going to go there when it’s like that we like anyplace where there’s class is an imputed
I like your head and immediately goes out what will what am I doing here what am I going to do than you think and then yeah both of those things it’s like like what I’d like how can you fucking so if you got if you if you were like what I would I and didn’t I yeah I did I did
also you do you could reset to you like you said you go Jesus Christ we’re in the same space right now yours is a fraud and that you’re not supposed to be here and you got any you have like some like like Corky and 90s Hindi movie saying we’re like over like I’m going to give you this my dead father’s watch when it stops ticking you and I trade back whenever I like a sliding doors thing or like I keep feeling the seat or Donald Sutherland comes down with a popcorn cart and he’s like like there’s like a seat-filler coupon but it’s magic and I like being obnoxious and doing coke and going like at least I’m not a seat-filler I tell you what
I wish
do you know how much more I do with it
Ian Sutherland popcorn here you go I’m from Maine lightning
are you referencing the Marsha Mason movie what is it called no it’s a it’s a single mother she’s got a son oh mr. Dynamite or something like that if he comes to town and he changes as soon as he’s a millionaire it’s age is old but oh no I don’t I’m not familiar with this I thought you were talking about it like this weird because it was vaguely alluding to body-swapping things you should have stayed with him and Corey Feldman
no but apparently a lot of movies share the same pie
championships we welcome the wonderful Rock shrub ladies and gentlemen
welcome back
what did we do during the show after the 300th one I was I wasn’t here
I was just lying sure I was here I read you a quick
this is from I don’t like okay you want to know me maybe it’s maybe for one hour it’s safe to click your name
I got an email from the publicity firm in a garlic press round up or whatever and they even vet them for like you know they’re not going to like you know you being mentioned on the internet like they lose clients that way this is the first win for Adult Swim I know that mean it certainly it was good to see you too Dan
well you should you put you paused and I had a thing
add two OK hear Nusrat sorry a lot of that was just I don’t know how to work my phone you can’t do that you can’t come out and then sit for 5 minutes and then I’m like all right moving on and then you’re like what do you do if you do come out with a fucking story about a bear or something or come out make yourself at home and chill and I’m going to tell him I saying about my the thing I got my phone that’s another way to do it
where do you want me to ask you like oh what’s been going on I got a host of a show
just invite somebody else to have them sit and watch you talk
that’s all right now let’s bill out Bring Out Bill Johnson
this sandwich is fucking great I was eating this Bill Johnson’s going why did it why did I even leave the house why did I come here I don’t understand you
all right well what’s new with you
and it better be tucking amazing Vape it Adventures when I went on a vape adventure and in Vape sure
Spencer was fair
#Vape culture
okay alright I thought I thought my head was not technically a rape joke but there’s always right and spoken Raymond counts and I didn’t know it and I will not make the same mistake again you know where a couple years away from that being on a poster of some DreamWorks
who are you anyway
Vape Adventure starring Spencer Rob and Kate so Spencer text me super early in the morning so early like 4:15 no no
you texted me like like the night before and I didn’t get it until the night of hell right now in formation so you know you come over and we go to the the magic place where you know you get your Vape on and there’s like there’s so much Rick and Morty stuff there Dan they got it all hang out you should go there you should go
pretty cool that he’s got that hang on wall
they might give you some free shit might give you some free shit huh
well, you got that on a good face on the wall space is making me go in there
and they set me up with Vic they said Kate and I up with some good vapes we like it we got two different brands we got or not flavors what do they come with it there’s different like varieties of weed that are called Brands okay so we got two different branch
go home and Spencers like all right is how you do it and he said he chose to opt out how to put the battery in the thing is freezing in there and then like I got one chocolate. What did I get the water so now I think you can just suck on it
I got to check everybody give him a second
he did great, all manner of hilarious things
cuz I was trying to make and I wasn’t paying attention while he was doing and you can’t see the light cuz it’s down the pipe wow that was for boy you took a big hit their I like and I was like yeah but then you got a nose like the big hits you not to hit like that at first I don’t really feel any
we got to go get my parents are you guys trying to repeat flash frozen frozen after you got high too high you have to stop and explain that she was going to go anyway I had the whole day planned with cryotherapy is I don’t want something to Joel Hodgson told me about he went on like when we were doing Mystery Science Theater this is summer like after every shoot hey man you want to do some cryotherapy man’s pretty cool you should check it out good for the skin help my back
they about to do it man I never did it but I always wanted to try it and then and the thing that you do well you go into this like shower sized room that is like like lots of degrees below zero and you’re going there for three minutes and you do jumping jacks and you get it and what it does is they get makes your body go into this fight or flight mode where everything is on Deck going Jesus Christ what are you doing this is trying to kill yourself this is stupid and it’s supposed to like bring supposed to be good for your skin but mostly wake you up and make you sleep at night yeah yeah I know I know I know it’s probably stupid but anyway how much
how much how much
Siri what’s the what’s the number that would make you then not go white people
what’s a if it was $7 would you be like
walking to shower where it’s cold white people at your house
probably one of those things where it’s like it’s $1,000 or $30 you wouldn’t do it even if it only cause them a nickel they’d make more money if they charge $90 than 30 because I have you freeze my body for the price of a transformer
what how much was it I don’t know that’s my guess and their specials for couples in water
JoJo’s telling me you did you do this you do this man you didn’t they play music and you dance around there if you want I got you get to pick the music yeah what song did you did you play Joel tell me and he’s like you got all bashful and Incas
do you believe in life after love by Cher because Joel has a huge share fan as we know it like he loves she like not I ride well he he he he goes to church concert just it’s amazing so I go Kate and so we go there is it’s a coupon it’s like this song
I’ll make I’ll make you feel then come back anyway because we’re a couple we can both go in the into the chamber at the same time and they go okay alright Mister scrap and cakes friend whatever you know we’re standing in our underwear you know they’re getting ready to freeze ourselves to death and la and he says what music do you want to listen to and Caicos money for nothing
and I’m like we have to do you believe in life after love by Cher come on all right you’re fine like nothing we can do that cuz yeah we can place that song we got a apple whatever put it on it goes in it’s freezing and you remember being in Wisconsin where you’re like I got to throw out this I got to let the dog and whatever I’m too lazy to put on a jacket or or at or whatever it’s like that

feeling I remember it totally and it goes and it’s freezing so the music comes on and is the wrong song
so everybody I’m assuming those do you believe in love after love a good song good song to jump around like an idiot so you don’t freeze to that instead they play what’s the song I wrote it down after all by Cher and Peter Cetera which is this love bat ballad after it’s just a God damn it wrong song banging on the glass Wrong song in the guys like carne he’s just looking to boost I didn’t know they were so I can get he can see you it’s pretty it’s pretty close to that do you all have to get naked for this
the important answer to your question is this is a ridiculous situation
a a a n n a h it’s much more than a lot of us could get paid $70 to do I do I’m not trying to highroad this I don’t want to be one of these practical guys like to be cold
I’m not going to be that guy don’t I’m not you’re not allowed to Crazy to simulate living in a post-apocalyptic place in Boston where I spend nine hours a night of sorting my living room for the high-resolution pack of a video game just so I can look Hubbard’s could look better as I’m like figuring out where to put my duct tape
and my fucking house is falling apart around me is always like what is Julius on the dogs had yeah I don’t care about life I’m trying to start my Fallout apartment
anyways continue I just wanted to interject with a little bit of what the people really want
yeah she keep going okay so
the fucking computer system goes three minutes left and you’re like 3 minutes and we’re screaming fuck you wrong fucking song I fucking hate this song the song made it last like it was eight minutes left there is slow I mean at least you would feel shorter it didn’t this was awful and if we get out and we go all right like any Cher song at random it doesn’t work that way you guys if you can get out did he see how are you locked inside that sounds terrifying
and I deserved it and I deserved it he said he say that he would make it up to you now he didn’t promise to
I mean after all that you’ve been through
yeah I don’t even remember
I’ll play it. Play it for you later and but anyway do this whole thing I’m still stoned a mother fucker I am stoned as fuck I’m just like going I would think this freezing cold sensation would sober me up but I was fuked up all day after we leave I got paid let’s go to this restaurant is right next door and we drove over there because I ordered all this food I just kept eating eating eating taste like you just so rude you’re such a cliche Maggie what are you doing
I went home and then I had to take the dog I don’t remember half the day I remember doing this a lot on the couch just laying there and then I go to take lollie to the dog groomer to wash the dog cuz she’s got shit on her butt and so I take you take the dog over there and then I was like it’s close to where Steve Agee live so I go to Steve Agee years and he can I hang out with my dog getting her ass washed if I bring a bunch of ice cream I bring a bunch of ice cream over to eat like a whole tub of ice cream talked over Twilight Zone he was trying to record a podcast talk to you later I don’t think he said anyting I just left and I’m just trying to
made it all of that a lot of people I’m glad you’re not then moving on to try to convince people that you’re not having the best life in the world’s best I’m sure a lot of people it was quite good I I I I I I I almost went to do VR like Star Wars VR
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, no one but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures and black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes out the themes were late to my own life so there’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerves like a verb you’re always in good hands
adventures in Black Cinema what Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
let me tell you something to look at he came out with notes like a like an alternative, can San Francisco he’s got it he’s going to hold notepad another question
big a question okay
all right so you know I was watching this movie with Kate and it is like this British movie came out last year it’s like these two old people falling in love and learning at a dance and doing a whatever I know it sounds right up your alley and the end of the bus I love feelings
anyway is it was sweet with cheesy whatever and I was like thinking like welders they this demographic this About Schmidt bucket list Morgan Freeman you know Alan Arkin like
thank you know it’s like the Matlock of movies or whatever where they go we’re going to go okay we’re targeting these baby boomers are what are you know what I’m going to give the right now what’s what’s with your what’s with your croissant people that we remember is Ghostbusters and stuff for the sad slowly is a writer and producer of various things do you think that when our generation hits that are there going to be more like more like sci-fi you know fantasy stuff featuring old people or going to be fighting an insect monster
what is the kind of Back to the Future like what do you love me or not I don’t know we grow up friends I want to do is see my grandchildren about Kevin Hart in cuz I’ll be more of a tell me where are we there yet you know that sounds like to come out tomorrow but how we going to get back to blank Tiffany haddish has
Kevin Hart Kevin Hart’s 70 and it’s how we going to get back to blank series and then it gets to the point where it’s so over saturated that that they had the movies have to start calling how we how we going to get back to in Meet the meet Jason Voorhees lake lake lake so I’m trying to think of an example that goes like like when the it’s like god dammit like I wish we were making First Blood we had known that we were just making a franchise called Rambo this is weave made this so confusing
what do you mean Rambo First Blood Part 2 that’s still confusing what are we going to call the third movie Rambo 3 okay fine but that’s not I mean our point is your point make a third movie
what part to make a college second blood and just get rid of the last we could call it the blood ending at first but second one third but you know they would fucking dyed it for the opportunity to be that so much money if they would have done a goddamn it I love it I love it because it’s I love irony I love watching you turn into your mother
after after all of these years of friendship we are likely we’d be bonded original Bonnie was like you know we bonded over the fact that we were raised in a culture of all your it in Milwaukee and you got your pacifier in your mouth and you look it up Wrigley’s billboard you’re like how come the billboard magazine look like with guns a bad idea and your and your parents go like you’re talking about it and we like bonded about it or like yeah man and then to get out here and like makes a and now look at you man your fucking Saruman
and I’m Gandalf the White
and I’m tell you what man put me on the roof of your Tower and leave me up there forever while you make new kinds of goblins and then you every once in awhile but I’ll tell you what man there’s Moss everywhere and they talked to Eagles
and I will get out of here cuz you should have just killed me okay don’t hate the wizard hate those weird everybody’s against you I know it’s pretty bad you got to bring we never talked about it why is why are some people better like oh that’s you and that’s me like like when we watch American Splendor we knew that you know you were crying and I was Harvey pekar way we were like okay that’s us yet and we never checked in we never called each other Lord of the Rings go come on your Saruman you like when fucking Campbell rides up is like I’m going to go and it’s so powerful I’m going to go talk to my friend Saruman about it he’s the best friend I’ve ever had I’ve never trusted anyone in my life don’t let me touch that ring I’m so smart
about this shit I’m going to go to the library look up a couple things I’m going to go see my roommate from college I’ll tell him everything I’ve never trusted anybody more in my life I’m just I live in a different plane where I know about everything and it’s you and you’re like look into the crystal ball what do you see what is like an iced tea at all cuz that’s you guy and I was like that’s Rob and I’m the only one that’s Gandalf but like I am like this like you shall not pass who does that somebody that hates himself like he knows that the balrog he knows he’s going to die but he doesn’t care cuz he’s like fuck it you know what people feel sorry for me I’ll probably come back to life anyway
I get that. Why do you say they love each other and the way he’s trying to figure out what he said
is it all right if I buy you food what what did you say what you got to buy like specialshit to know what he said
put that at the root of all that you’re basically saying I love you dawg well I mean look cuz you went way too deep on that for somebody who’s not in love
you get you can keep chipping away at this theory that I love Rob Blake II people like to do that like
the concept that you’ve been coming up with my Rob Rob do you have anything nice to say to your brother
that’s not what this shows about it’s not about to share this anymore I ask you a quick question that everyone is probably did you call
oh I texted I texted my parents you don’t know I texted them a photo of my second at me with an arrow pointing at it cuz there’s two of them
one must be for humility
let me look newer than the old one. Can you tell me what to do and then my mom texted we just found out late yesterday congratulations I’m very proud of you and then and then she said we were congratulate you on your so many episodes in so cool and then there was like a pause and then the last thing was for my mom saying you were right leave the car where it is which I assume is just she just
did you text your other dad as well I did actually my my surrogate father he is still dad and my phone says it has like thank you Dad and we actually bonded for a while about it and yeah it was nice and it’s glowing you very very happy hour earlier so you go like okay well you know it isn’t the tongue like more than it is I mean it’s not a limb but it’s like you know it’s a fingernail away from being a mouse finger you know like it’s it’s why is it why do you do it
Mouse finger
you can point me that you could you need is somebody to ground you I mean it’s all right let us know how you know that word tubes
we’re like big worms at me and that when you eat something you’re just rubbing up against it with the outside of your body that became the inner ring of this like Taurus shaved that’s been not making me
all right and that’s why I will kill you kids don’t do it you’re putting vodka into a hole that is not designed oh yeah dying out there they bought whiskey dammit play the Von division of people jumping back into your butt but I don’t know if they are I don’t know who’s helping with that the vodka-soaked tampon what is the other thing to hit your system quicker because those membranes are more selective going to
and you’re going to be okay is it an hour after we’re talking now it’s like I press Roundup in little Mike well alright and then I’ll just see how much are the headlines on top top one is AV club and it says pickle Rick want to fucking Emmy you know it’s like which which is more than just like recording and I just felt like to look at it Club take this is a long relationship with with them is a metric of Television culture and what not like I just read the paragraph of the air and it was like the fact and whatever and then I’m like
God damn it there’s the there’s the comments section and you can just see the top of one and they have like this interface where you can you have to click to uncloak like all of it and I sure enough I fucking did and I just saw this exchange at this is not this is not about me you going you should feel sorry for him because they think that’s not what I’m doing I might think this is more like me kind of me dancing on the graves of my enemies it because my enemies are Humanity at this point okay so it’s at the top of the charts as the sky says
is that Harmons first Emmy hot take I like Dan Harmon not just as shows I root for the guy yeah he slips up and acts like a drunken assholes sometimes
he will admit to that and apologize for it and try to learn from it harmontown is going strong 300 episodes in well-deserved Emmy Huynh I could be any of us are too weird weird way to express it in like I but we weren’t going to take any of that replies to that cuz now we started the conversation so I may as well as responsive as if he keeps slipping up then he isn’t really aren’t you do it why am I making this guy have a funny voice and let me just say it like earning from it Izzy apologizing is easy fixing your shit is the hard part says pimp hand of Cisco
yeah I did a person respond to them and says yeah
I better get in there because it seems he’s yeah yeah sometimes he strikes me as one of those just do it and apologize if you get caught type of guys and he’s just getting better at apologizing
would I take shrubs May 4th about that
we don’t like him and saying he’s sorry we didn’t like them to this guy before he waste his life well obviously it’s a joke more for me than you I guess
I just thought I just I guess I guess I’m the only person that understands what I think there’s a lot of there. You know how yeah yeah yeah he strikes me as the stop right there
what’s me as a human being I strike you as nothing you don’t know me I used to he strikes me as I thought you strike me as a famous person is what he strikes you as that’s how he’s designed to strike you that’s how he will strike you because he’s not your uncle and it’s not your Babysitter Is Not Your mailman so it was a famous person so I’m going to go home parking ticket
as the kind of guy I think he’s just going to keep on doing things wrong and then you just as going to keep on apologizing for them and I for one I want no part of it I don’t want any more part of it I am closing my laptop but I’m going to use ghost fingers to check in and see if he breaks that cycle because only then will he get the ghost reward that I give to people who’ve become perfect and by perfect I mean doing nothing and therefore not apologizing for it I hate America
but I I know it’s not easy to apologize that’s bad my bad I’m sorry I’m sorry whatever bro
I’m sorry
, and then you stopped reading I take it yes I did at least 45 years old three years from retirement okay I got to the point where I only have to read three comments down before I’m like what are you doing take a screenshot and share it with your friends and also that I’m like two years into retirement
how soon can I get to Korean and you know I’m going to just go see the main crankshaft
you can beat his ass
that’s the first day of retirement
make me feel better okay so this happened to me on Labor Day Labor Day so it’s Labor Day evening Labor Day is now labor night and I’m going I’m walking the dog and walking the dog and walking dog walking the dog of dogs starts to lolis taking a shit all of a sudden
car drives stops in the middle of the road woman gets out that she was just like I don’t know baby you don’t like 50 55 or whatever she she goes she looks like oh my gosh is something wrong and she’s got going to have my baby fell out or whatever you know she comes over to be to run to the Bee Gees holding like what looks like a Gummy Bear rapper
as she pointed to it and she’s like why doesn’t she like please listen to me please listen to me to look look who’s your walking your dog and a driver stopped a cheerleader car door open okay Michael Winslow on my dog sitting and I’m like kind of you know split Focus so I got to watch nevermind
we are picking up and I don’t want to step on it okay so she comes up and she’s been rapper punch honey honey Costco it’ll grow back it’ll grow back it’ll grow back
please please she’s trying to give me this rapper at Costco is honey in your grow it’ll grow back please please tell Mike that I don’t need that Madam thank you and she’s like please
and I start getting pissed because the pleadings E-Z meeting right now you got to fix this shit I would never fuck you was like I can’t believe it that you you’re walking outside of your face and I and I’m getting pissed when I go I don’t need that I’m happy with what I look like you can take that back to your car please please I don’t like I’m not taking it I’m not taking it I’m not taking it and she’s like she’s like goes back to her car and she’s like still yelling at Costco in Costco driving away when she was saying honey she was addressing it was honey I don’t
tell you to go to Costco get honey and rubbing on your head because she was trying to give you an advertisement for either her or her sisters like such that rapper but it looked like something she picked off their car floor and look like a Gummy Bear rapper and she kept pointing at it saying honey later on I thought maybe she’s calling me honey like sweeties seriously we need to talk about your problem and Costco who don’t work for Costco they work within Costco and they did and they have that slate let the whole Sub sub industry of people with the little kiosks inside Costco right so they’re like like soak your fingernails on this and like that ladies that lady’s had was like I think she’s like look at you just like Thanksgiving I get to tell Rita I’m busting my ass for you like I like you know she’s like I’m fuking like my family is going to succeed because I’m going to like
I was so stunned because the car stopped and she flew out I’m like okay one Adventure my about to go on to like it’s just like my baby was hit by a truck could you please take me to the thing you know I don’t know I don’t know and then it slowly turns into this you got a serious problem with their buddy the crazy thing is how long is she has she ever seen a bald LAPD officer and if so why is she lies people with an unknown object in her hands saying I like lately like I mean she has early like it’s more of a toy and then I go home and I ordered I had ordered pizza and I get back in and I’m like I don’t need oh
people should talk to other people like that is now I don’t know if this is related at all or what is a weird night whatever but the pizza place that I order from it’s always the same guy that delivers the pizza and he’s an Armenian guy and it’s a whole pizza boy Pizza Boy The Boy Who Could have to do you know he’s like this time I go down and he’s wearing a wig
and glasses and I you know what the other and I looked at it and I smiled thinking like that is Labor day is going to be dressing up like all right seriously hurting wrist is Burt Reynolds that’s not a Halloween wig that’s a real to pay wig and pictures of the truck that you can tell it’s not right that in combination with the encounter with that woman like made you feel like like he was like my wife see you walking try give you a chance to look at the pair
I don’t get us in trouble with the Kardashians in this motherfucker you need hair plugs and I was like no I don’t I don’t need them here let me give you some advice
eat what you want to feel good for you look how everybody else wants you to look
twice I’ve ever heard I’m not an owl said that your lungs are so healthy but some fat having stuff to talk about I think and it’s like oh yeah you’re bald let’s talk about that
is it when your both you forget you forget you forget until somebody goes down it looks like nuts and bolts plane to you but it’s like
it’s like it’s like what you’re being reminded of is that you’re being that it’s their their their perception it’s only their opinion of me to do I mean I know this is all a big dude or like like like but it’s you know this the last couple years has been I mean for you I’ve known you since college and you were you start losing your hair in college and as long as I’ve known you I’ve always I’ve always been like oh I have this friend who like like has a different take on like you know it’s like we have these opinions about hair loss and all the stuff and we don’t they’re all unconscious all stuff but now I’m sitting in back and I’m like I’ve got I’ve got my hymns my for hims hims.com rams.com like it cuz there’s a sponsor sometimes and I know what does guys
Jim’s if you listening to me you know all right give it to make grow my hair back if you grow my hair back I’ll give you 5 million dollar for hair white people
it’s crazy the things that we say to each other and say to ourselves I know it’s like I’m not I bet you’re just like I am I kind of just because of the age we’re living in now where everybody’s getting in trouble for everything which you could just cynically go like I’ve had it and I have had it but also and also just makes me think about everything that’s sad and everything we’re saying to each other and all that stuff isn’t giving it to they can even my own body the things that I tell myself when I look in the mirror let alone like just like yeah it’s it’s weird like it. Like I don’t know what legally why am I trying to act like that’s a big point that I made it is weird is this shirt new it’s really it’s probably all of them probably I’m going to the closet I’m like I had you don’t need to get like like guys may be back me up guys with fluctuating wait you get a shirt where the buttons are popping and you you don’t you don’t put it in the Goodwill
right away like you not if you’re fluctuating wait like you take it you look at it you go I’ll be back mother fucker and unn and then slowly over the years because you keep getting fatter either you’re with your weight fluctuate but you keep getting fatter so if you could lucky enough to have a big enough closet like the overall effect is a large library of shirts never fit you for various reasons at 88888 play every morning I like I have like a 10-minute like pad that I have to give myself cuz I’m like going through and gone oh yeah what’s your name when did we meet last all right Paul time to take another ride around the fucking black and they still won’t work that’s fine but it back
also just throwing like angrily like so then the like a well a well but what bomb sell shirt from buy.com generic ad that was early if you want to personalize ad for your your company if you like the show then you know like me what it’s like to not have a box of shit delivered to your house and the people at the box of shit. I believe that shit should come in boxes to your house where is the Houston not be able to because the fucking infrastructures change so glad we’re here today we might be gone tomorrow we don’t know it’s all up to you go to the fucking harmontown or blew it off of her
husbands go to box of fucking shit it’s going to come to your house and it’s just like of Gore like oh my god of course thank God like and we don’t know you got a Sprinkle box of shit to companies over the top of everything and see what it takes but a beer of the month bakit out where we park here and then go shopping for glasses or whatever he want to do foot pads me your foot you would enjoy when you get to the store for your foot in that box of foot. Calm cuz I have a subscription to a foot you can read it subscribe to it you can like it look at your foot on YouTube share with your friends are going to the Slender Man eat your foot in the door horror movie
Jurassic character a walk you through which foot you should have the what was I going to say I forgot the responsible if you’d likely could wear those Wild West it with podcast advertising there is this true crime thing I was listening to I think it was it’s it’s a good thing of the popular one the doctor. So you guys will do. Your dad says listen to it like dirty John it was a little dirty old man necessarily just a sociopath who pretended to be a doctor but then again he was never a good doctor but it just kind of bluffed his way through the medical system is like gouging out people supplying seem like a very interesting
like early out of the podcast the guy goes like and it has been the need to get out the spine and then the person has his leg turned blue and then they had a stroke and now they’re dead and if you want this is pause and then the same voice says this podcast may be making you feel very uncomfortable but nothing is more comfortable than a good pair of socks
that’s wrong that’s not right. Like like where you’re like it’s back to the thirties or something or you just like you can just now got really like it like this podcast is going to offend you or is there a raise your awareness of of the Civil Rights era as we as we go back in time to the 1960s but you know I got that right cuz it’s like who cares it’s just like a Segway but why did why was I offended by the stocks making you comfortable so it would be like what was that podcast Advertiser that’s like the real-time Shrinky Dink like big like you can like call a number and have a shrink and I don’t feel feel feel fine.. Org or whatever
I like like you can say is I could cut you no clear clear clear clear fun talk like talk to have somebody had said don’t don’t kill yourself like talk to the castle advertise it but like what if he use that Sailors like this is going to make you uncomfortable talking with this guy gouging out fine because he’s not a good doctor in a lake like hey maybe you’ll be next if that upset you you should call this company that profits every time you’re freaked out and you call the number I guess that’s what I was thinking is like that’s what triggered me in me is like you can’t make people uncomfortable and then tell him that stocks will help
it hasn’t worked that way in years are you currently might be afraid of leaving your home you should buy it to the new television okay guess that’s what we do in the morning tell you you should combo meal their shit cuz they know your stomach what was it about the answer to play I Feel Like a l Swearingen looking at his window and Deadwood going like goddamn suck my dick I’m going to stab Senators here fuck it I’m going to fuck everybody

also there’s there’s got to be a little bit of love for something it’s kind of hard to do so maybe it is a little bit of admiration in there cuz it’s a it’s a corny Segway with them for it business is going to go like okay everybody everybody spread out and say whatever the fuck you can think to say to make people listen to you and then after we do that for a while but slowly coalesce into networks and then let’s have those networks engage in collective bargaining with a newly subjugated corporate client tell the boy was I wrong what is it instead I don’t know just advertisers it was like I belong to this agency that looks like agencies rounding up at the corporate clientele they’re willing to advertise.
MPR wise maybe good Wild West kind of thing so you you notice the kind of clientele you’re getting it’s like
it is the kind that your brain goes oh yeah they don’t risk anything like Snickers isn’t advertising during podcast yet and yeah so is that like somebody went around you gathered all those people up into families and then they collectively bargained like what the fuck you podcast about what you fucking getting high and watch a movie everybody’s come on, so tell if I don’t wear your socks for a dollar
I want to go that way there’s something worse than just podcast advertising about like True Crime podcast advertising do isn’t there it’s like and then like her blood was spread like everywhere and no one could find most of it also tied gum it’s gum now where is Tyler now as you wear them it’s gum now it just seems gruesome to be out like yeah man fucking by this because all these people died because the body was wrapped in a soft blanket from Downey so we’re worried about if you was using the gravity blanket pretty fun sophisticated like first people to do it in a comprehensive wait podcast spoof that was at like it was a spoof of the podcast that I
a little fun of I’m here a while back about the animals like done disappeared or Ghana advantage and then someone did a spoof of up and vanished that I think was called done disappeared and if you haven’t heard it it’s really funny it is also like sociological edifying because you’re like you’re living in the beginning of a new medium and it was like one of the first like actual like kind of Yankovic Kings of undertakers popular podcast on then someone not only just sat there like me and went like I did a spoof and I’m fascinated by that stuff to is or watching it involve why do I have to take try to take the fun out of everything
talk about something and then like you guys were talking about like songs or something and then I was like yeah it’s funny cuz you listen to a first for a while and there was a big pot so is that how we enjoy things
thank we we said that in unison and I was just sitting next to me wrong I know I was being know that’s a good to remember this story because it was so fat and and didn’t even need to conspire about it that’s when I was like you know the old saying if somebody calls you a horse’s ass maybe there are horses ass if two people call you or maybe get a saddle or whatever goes like like like it was like you guys are both like I just finished explaining
Wayne and everything I’m a fucking explain alcoholic or yeah The Simpsons jackass that’s hilarious is you be in quotes fucking amazing how does that feel
I don’t think the one on bowling what I mean those those guys those colleagues like they come up to you you’re all the same party and I don’t it’s like it is it really is like I know you never going to win this fucking thing is it’s like any of you cuz it’s huge competition and then there’s always like people that’s all we talk about lazy Beach we did Justin go cuz I want to thank everyone for this award for Rick and Morty Morty Morty under cute oh my God thank you for the Jimmy is great thank you for the yummy yummy thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
I don’t know I just Justin Justin went from saying whatever he said as well like I was like I did it wrong I did it wrong I don’t judge and it sounds like Justin no one up here heard you we’re all freaking the fuck out and we’ll never know cuz like like who’s who who in that 11 people that were up there is ever going to like I think I’ll find out what he said we were the only ones that’ll never know and don’t care I don’t like a little round up on FXX there was anybody cool there that you got to meet that you were sort of side front row and she was like I was like coming back from you do this whole conveyor belt when you if you win one and then and then you like at strategic points they open the doors and let you back into your seats and I was crossing and Molly Shannon was like I made eye contact with her and she was really sweet
nice and I think you’re asking what I’m answering encounters with famous people that you just the ones you like if there were any moments where you like holy shit I was talking to Arc George Armani like I’m going to make eye contact with this guy cuz I was like right in the wings of coming by and thinking like as like and I just looked at LeVar Burton and waited for him to look at me as I walk past as he’s not like he didn’t look what did he have his grandma is by
whether it’s so funny how amazing it was it was a low-risk high-yield thing is I was like I’m going to totally mad dog LeVar Burton on the off-chance that he looks of seat because the periphery like experience is like the second staring at me like what if he had like while he’s on stage and people be like what the fuck is going on over there like who is LeVar Burton like crouching down and hugging somebody who’s that
is there any good anyways you like what was the first person was it like Jesus I got to look this guy up a file
god dammit can your aunt great run has it he was at your Podium for a little while ago it was Jeff was on an extended like tour and we were on the road that we did like I have fun like string of gas comptroller’s Gilbert Godfrey and and there was something there was some really fun like and LeVar Burton was married to Erin mcgathy yet and he was like that back. She’s like I will come come and hear what I say stuff like to go over super Barber well I’m you know he never came to my wedding so I so I so I said I’m like are we beefing
if we hardly what if he Googled me after that night
I can see through my visor
this guy’s trouble as a guest controller if you had any
Brandon Johnson will you mean by default if I was going to do we have all these fabulous people on my show comptroller who’s just so sweet it was Levar Burton Reading Rainbow a lantern like an old like train conductor is that even lived it’s out of batteries it’s out of batteries out that’s why you have it there that’s why I have it there to charge
alright lay down a beat ocean
Rhythm to the plane rhythm
hasn’t made a destiny of time gone by
I fuck your mama in her eyes
didn’t mean to bro
I-5 rainbow red orange yellow green blue
indigo violet
that’s the Spectrum
all the colors rainbow strips of Brothers got bad talking over at Lawrence and orange is what
but we try to get a loud racket Niger the same
an orange benchley has to accept that it’s I think I assumed I don’t know and probably actually a definitive delineation between the colors that a virus super important scientific room
but you better prove it
this is how we win
install on 3rd Street
all right
two things that I I don’t really have money new money
like will you know what’s the definition of a new relationship is like whatever I do for you guys it’s it it’s it’s it’s not that I resent doing it for you but it is a favor wow it’s not it’s just it’s just a slight and it look if it’s a deal-breaker I understand it would be a deal-breaker for me too I don’t need you can you love someone that doesn’t need you
was your relationship reliant on my insecurities I will remain insecure till the day I die like I’m going to my EKG or whatever that thing is it shows that you’re dying and I’m going to go oh God I fucked up I fucked up sober
so insecure I’m going to die like I’m going to go straight to hell because it’s going to be just the sum of all of the tightness that I had it all of the resistance I had to everyone’s loved and I’m just going to like forever spiral into this crazy like Lakes self-created projection of torture so don’t worry about me getting punished for being humbled or figuring out that I did something wrong I I am sorry that I when I say something wrong instead of saying it to three people I asked the three hundred thousand people and that therefore then there’s a headline that says DNR resuming wrong and it then when I feel bad about it I go hey I feel bad about that and then it says dan are revealed bad about that thing like I am can understand how you was a person would be like I think I’ll examine who Dan Harmon is only said that
well now he’s sorry about that
that’s the bad guy
okay alright alright be become sting like he had a publicist I I died I don’t like it it doesn’t work the way you think it works if you’re waiting for for me to stop being a bad person that it’s like waiting for rain to taste like mint
it’s just it’s a great wish and I back you up on it and it’s not going to happen and it’s your fault for waiting for it I just I know I’m late to the party but this British baking show is fucking great
have you seen the latest season with Noel Fielding it’s really good I sat down episode 1 and watched it all the way through until the end and I kept eating toast as the one thing is like you talking about like advertising like they don’t advertise it on Netflix but if they would clean up if they had like bread commercials because I was eating toast all day long I was toasting toast
which is weird you should say toasting bread into toast but it’s okay what is it called what’s the British baking show just called British Bake Off Great British Bake Off
is that so bad
okay here’s the thing I noticed right away cuz I haven’t watched a lot of reality television but the most most of the reality television dive watches American reality TV and the thing about the Great British Bake Off show is everybody so nice to each other they’re helping each other out there just like you can use my fork or whatever you like you want to use my oven they’re all helping each other out and even like I could teach is like
the lopsided isn’t it you know it’s just it’s not like what is this garbage it’s like it’s very positive in it and I and I think I think that show would make you happy I like the story about that woman costing you at a bike that was insane yeah I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while cuz I knew it would make you so happy and I think I don’t think you understand how angry and short I was with this woman who was in her mind trying to save my life and I’m like going I don’t need that go back get away from it I was being very angry and hurt
I just got endlessly fascinated with these cosmetic issues looks like we like a man starts to lose his hair me and then I I go like okay I’m losing it but it’s like there’s a line between the clinical and the Cosmetic and the everyday we wake up and we go through routines and things where we go well my who I am is not going to work and I don’t even mean I’m not going all like you know punk rock on you and going like why do we wear makeup at odds but I mean like even people who don’t wear makeup like you look in the mirror and you you have this like moment where you’re like there’s an eyebrow that’s like shooting out of my head maybe I would clip it with scissors like no matter how low maintenance you think you are like a year and it’s like when you’re like you get a bald spot of sorts of growing your head and it’s like
I am it’s it’s all just like it’s the weirdest thing it said it said unless there’s like I get a haircut and then they show me the mirrors I got on that I have this like I go of what stuff is there something I can do about that but I don’t even understand now why I’m thinking that I Cody doesn’t Express anything like oh boy can you do so much that she’s she’s more aware than I am to seeing the back of my head to the line with the rest of everybody like more than I am at like I think I just ate like okay so every day with that wheezing and the everything like we just kind of like like we’re we’re like oh God it isn’t like I don’t know sorry it’s new it’s a crazy thing cuz it’s not new but yeah yeah yeah yeah my fault friend like I can’t talk about my relationship
must have really interfere with your dating life you really probably it’s not that I don’t understand why we have feelings about our scalps like it doesn’t it scare so maybe that’s what’s going on in a little bit hanging in front of the mirror culture can easily like like at The Fucked Up Periscope to recreate for everything like what does that mean it’s like we but we’re like oh shit time is passing and that’s what that mean I’m not 25 for sure like like it did no matter how much you been powered 22 yes god dammit
all reverse cards like I don’t know if it’s still a topic I’m allowed to have in my head I should stop talking about this horrible Nicolas Cage movie pay the ghost telling me you haven’t seen pay that go haven’t seen pay the ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost
pay the ghost it’s one of the eight Nicolas Cage movies Nicolas Cage in a box is a service that can come to your debt you can
keep up with all of the movies Nicolas Cage doesn’t everyday in a cage it’s the Nick Cage
it comes with a separate package of bees that you activated when I say if I don’t
did you know the thing and it’s the end of the bees out of the Wicker man in the regular cut like the vanilla cut that you get on Apple TV cuz of Cody and seen it like you got it we got to watch wicker man and no fucking bees
what should they went to the screening and people were like holyshit oh no not the bees. Fucking hashtag.com. Org holy fucking trending shit oh no not the bees and they’re like God damn it they’re making fun of our movie that’s the only reason why it’s not it’s not citizen Jane we will show them we’ll just take that out thanks for telling us how to get stronger you Rubes now we’re the best movie ever take the no not the bees out
that’s bullshit same same thing with the Battlefield Earth is about to say a lot of shit man there was a lot when I saw that movie in the theater it was us in the front row and a lot of party in the back strange a strangely identical group of people and white polo shirts on the back that where they were in a white polo shirts they were they were they were like dress like civilians but it was like having a lot of credit if you realize what’s happening we’re the only three people in this movie and the back to Rose are the Church of Scientology John Travolta would say something and we’d laugh the three of us
then they’d laugh and were like well that was it but it wasn’t funny got it by l.ron Hubbard and they were all applauding in the back we were like oh oh but in that movie they were like there was so much more it was there was a bunch of crazy shit and we were telling everybody about it cuz there were no Ash tags back then we were just like going to Sebastian you delete every single person you just text him and be like hey here’s the thing I’d like you to be talking about
what is faster.
And we were I did yeah but they were like Sia and I didn’t like I do
see what he was like you said you you wouldn’t make it appear I can’t remember where the Scientologist just enjoying the Fillmore was their job to make the film seem better reacted to as an audience than actually was I don’t think they thought it through the past like let’s just make sure there’s always at least two rows of Scientology of their flowchart stopped there like they did it wasn’t like if you’re the only two rows right maybe leave don’t to everyone but you like also please don’t sneak out of the Church of Scientology and its movie we are at the exit
I’ll report back to your bus and New York ion chamber bees were an important man that’s it that’s all I got to say
the biggest thing is when he goes wait what’s that
and I said Cody the clip-on mic this is what you miss is what I made you watch the entire wicker man because this was supposed to be in there and it didn’t happen here it is I sent her that YouTube went after the after the credits were like
where coronavirus has spread to the Twigs in the jacket I thought I was like well you got to see this be easy and it’s so fucked up I guess if you would add that that would be a silly movie but that movie that you watch the edited the vanilla version you called it was great that was really good that is good do you think we didn’t see it because we were fooling around or something like that and I thought you I thought I was an autocorrect typo and I said you are you asking if Nicholas Cage was just trying to make the crew laugh
or are you asking if if they were just like in the edit or just having a good time Oh you mean did we start fucking I will text you later is the next day cuz I sent her the cuddling by the way that movie is what you missed so the movie ended
and you just ran the bed and went to sleep you didn’t like oh this is the thing I said I said well
if you don’t connect to the video I’ll text you tomorrow
I’m sleeping
I got there first if you were listening to the story that the subjects there was the year that we did with their was the movie we didn’t make it to the end we were cuz of my because my my active love life
oh okay nice you watched you didn’t watch into the end of the movie looking at you and I was brother you know I was like we have to sit through another 9-hour dissertation good Dan Harmon story since you were so fucking good
Rob’s Rob Legacy Johanna worth every penny
check to see good again and uses the story Circle
it’s not my in-laws I’m not a
you’re a grower for it. Haha the truth is you could wait all night I guess not grow old grow and then you’re like really okay I need the blower go home and look it up I don’t want you to be good
I don’t know what else is anyone would expect me to be good ass has given my situation but I am so I’m not going to I’m not going to be like I’m terrible at eating pussy I don’t know alright that’s fair brag about it I’m totally great at it I got to be grayed out of my God.
Amazing like look at the women that have stayed with me for more than a year like they’ve there was something great so who would do that or is it
god dammit
that was my joke I was good today eat your pussy good you would probably say yes whether she doesn’t see you got the Joe pie to take like 18 ingredients and they burn it you still going to be like this is delicious
banana Nana about this pussy we’re going to trade off the right for the closing number right I did the other the sound of the sound sample
just got off work. I’m going to go the distance up to the clitoris Stitch I’m going to make you come and get them in this picture
I know it’s there’s no language is going to go good with this
reactive to the fundamental fact the talking about it like it’s a competition makes it bad but anyways where was Robin’s to Patricia heard I got a fuzzy I I tried looking inside like a periscope because she open her mouth wide I saw I saw an enemy sub Red October coming around I said Rub-a-Dub-Dub cuz I was in the bathtub with your mama eating her out oh shit here comes Commander cloud
SpongeBob happy New Year starts at 4. Thank you so much how much
we love you Jeff Davis we miss you so much happy birthday Johnson good night
3 time Emmy winner plays in German


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