Episode
Episode: 305 – Smiles Wider Than Their Faces
Description
Podcaster David Cummings, from The NoSleep Podcast, joins guest comptroller Brandon Johnson for a spooky evening of horror stories, cuckoo clocks and wholesome Canadian terror. Featuring Dan Harmon, Brandon Johnson, Spencer Crittenden, and David Cummings.
Transcript
it’s annoying, are you at home
yeah I want a mic
ladies and gentlemen welcome to harmontown I’m here for Jeff Davis we miss you I’m so happy to see you
Samantha
thank you thank you thank you for coming out to fish Ali October 00 would have wrapped I forgot I didn’t even think about it at this point
your mama so hard her head like a man
we can do it and your booty got found in the treasure chest at the bottom of the Crate & Barrel in Hampshire
the end
okay I agree I agree
short of breath and so fat and end for an end for any of the ladies that happen to be joining us for the first time tonight and the pussies aren’t driving into
least of all with a bus there’s nothing how did this begin I don’t know like I said we were doing the podcast for about 7 years our guest tonight is been doing is like it’s basically like a sister podcast I look at it as big as we like to feminize our enemies cities and sister Productions and sister like when we call things I think it’s like a battleship is a she and I think it’s like trying to be flattering we are we are we love you eat when you gets it it’s a good thing so it must be a girl
cuz it’s soft like a like a like a do one thing that makes us better than we can be like a battleship with big guns look at her big guns look at those big guns that girl’s got she’s going to go the fuck out of her enemies City our brother City that we hate leg with it we’re going to fucking shooter tits all over that fucking enemy country because they were better and so we’re women I don’t know what we’re doing is it man I really do wish that was true
hey maybe I wanted I want to do some weird shit with pronouns and we’re like
weird weird crazy with pronouns we are crazy with it with like a little thinks it’s smarter than it is so we’re like fuck we got language really worked out and is that how English Works English is a garbage dump that’s why successful English is the language that said polystyrene is welcome but yeah we’ve been over this before podcast about the history of English so I’m an expert with the lowest of places it’ll take a fucking Inlet from any any River diarrhea Canal that connects the Earth’s and that’s why it Dominic also is spoken by first world Empires I can blow you up if you don’t speak right
working out and now I’m now I’m in the I’m in the I’m in the the atonement with the father chapter of Amy Schumer’s I feel pretty like I felt good for a while so I met with the goddess of I was I was like yeah I did it I’m like exercising every other day and I feel good I feel the feeling that people that you feel you fit in it it’s an interesting movie it’s it’s actually like I can understand why I like why it wasn’t like a switch nothing but net kind of like perfect like the times we’re going through right now how could you fit the fucking hoop is on the move but but it’s it’s it’s definitely worth watching because like there’s some actually profound grounded shit that happens in that movie cuz the conceit is just that she hits her head and she she doesn’t like they don’t
did they show her like looking at her body she wakes up and like but they don’t do the fancy her point of view is that her arms instead of looking like this like I got so he’s a model instead of her they use her and she doesn’t say look at my boobs there so blank shapes you look how much blanker my legs are she just says like my legs are amazing she doesn’t end and ends and so they like you it’s like a nuanced thing because it’s like what if the way you looked which is fine what if you could believe that what if you just believe that the way we think we would believe that if we looked like so and so on the cover of every magazine and the answer is a lot of confusing jokes because like I didn’t tell me that movies one flies that the world doesn’t I don’t know what the world feels like sometimes the world is like trying to talk people into thinking they’re ugly in that movie and then but then there’s like that like I think the like there’s a scene where she meets the the guy like the meat shoot of that
he’s actually really interesting because it’s very realistic like the what if of like what if what if Amy Schumer thought she was gorgeous picture and then he’s just confused by how like I’m aggressive she is not what people are always telling us that you just have to think that you will have a blind act like you look how you’ve got all the stuff like it’s is very complicated stuff to me people are really big on my confidence and other people because we’re kind of fascinated by how we love to know that people would definitely put them in the face with bats like we don’t want to warm our hands over them but then we will also like put our cigarettes out in them before our beer into them kick them like lately and that’s another interesting thing about I feel pretty as they do go
does tractors with like unlike a lot of movies that are have a similar concept like like it does take you around the wheel where you’re like oh yeah okay so one of the fantasy about feeling pretty is like we all have this thing in her head that’s like if I looked like so and so and you picked you whoever like you might not pick up Tom Cruise money for a totally different reason but whatever that person is in your head if I look like this person then the reason that would be great is because then I would be able to blank and I think blank is pretty much universally stop worrying so much about everybody else which we think is a service to other people because we tend to be toxically insecure like me coming out telling you I feel fat like what do you supposed to do with that that’s my wiping my ass on you you’re like I just have your fat shit on my face like what am I what am I doing why am I
do at home like I have dogs that need me like why are you with a famous guy cuz I’m fat and I know you’re not but also your friend can do that to you do that to other people we are most familiar with insecurities as a thing that that if it was gone we would be like super people but it is the anxiety is why we are good people over there then so it seems like a no-brainer to talk about this but they’d like she starts like she becomes a prick like in all the right ways like the way she started like yeah she’s like okay she’s like trying to help her friends now who she now thinks are her less attractive friend just let it out you going to fucking do it and they’re like to them that they’re like why are you being such an ass off it’s kind of fun to think about anyways
how about ants keep it as occasional
stuff about insects anymore I like that when I was a kid I just want to want you don’t answer that back you remember the B’s with the Jerry Seinfeld and take the B Subway and have a relationship for the music and just like like 20 minutes I just watching fucking Rising insect bodies like moving around and then a guy going like this public holiday
using an intricate wag of its abdomen its thorax moving in shape so precise that’s a mighty departments were unable to decode it all the way
this intricate alphabet if it were an English would have 550 letters and be seven hundred thousand words blog saying everything new Queen is on the way and so it’s time to Stinger competitors to death that like like they show everything they can show ants like walking through the tunnels and like how can we could do that in the seventies and we can’t do it now we can we just don’t want to anymore we’re like oh we get we get a chance I want to take this big guys like in the middle of the North Pole is watch which watch is a seals you have a wet dream like
I don’t care if that’s more rare I like the ant stuff like ants I don’t know what part of the other thing is like by the way I’m I’m happy I don’t know why I come out of the good part of it is like what do you supposed to whine about it lately and I’m not I’m not a whiny person
I don’t like that kind of laugh
that was that was so clearly involuntary that
was that that was you okay where are you are you know his dad but I was young and like her dad I don’t know she probably doesn’t want people to know a goddamn thing because that’s also the thing that you do you wipe your ass all over people just fucking talking about it you saw which side I was on a segmented called things that I am not allowed to complain about because I’m not even poor people are allowed to complain about what I’m going to complain about it but
seeing that I can complain about how do you complain about this the same way I’m not allowed to have any because it’s nice and everyone is doing fine
we’ll do another 30 years from now how
or you can be
right now bored memes
stack it up read my mind
living in the goondocks was the Q what do you think about The Goonies for 40 minutes what kind of podcasts do you think this is Google Docs some shit your old grandfather says before he has a stroke
they call that the goondocks in The Goonies I just like when we order the food now with the brought your house you familiar with this
should I get the styrofoam cups and it’s all right we’re all taking a hit from other guy I like red payback’s a bitch like you can try as hard as you could kill us forever like ever since we were at me but you were like better be a better amoeba or you’re going to get eaten by a bigger than me but we’re like we would rather just hang out and in God’s like Earth of start Earth
Earth alerts was like so fine like be irregular and me both have fun being studied by the people that evolved out of you a billion years around and we were like all right all right so we can so we do we make these like things are waiting and sinks because it listen You’ll tell you’ll know when I complained about right when they when they deliver the the liquids the soft drinks and it’s it’s in the in the way of taking the time at the restaurant because hey we’re on the same team right nobody wants your drink spilled and it’s moving on the go it’s being delivered to like but they’re not thinking about us they don’t give a fuck what happens after they leave which is why they put a big piece of Scotch tape over the whole the straw hole these Lids are designed for transport I knew I wouldn’t have your sympathy
I called your silence in advance you Silverlake fuck you judgemental I said I’m not allowed to complain about it and I’ll let me complain these leave your City they have holes in them or not I would. I would. Are you going to the police. They did you get the drink and your leg out of food here thank God and they’re like yeah thank God I got a million orders to do everybody’s everybody’s got priorities everyone’s got better things to do than to make sure your drink doesn’t spill and their technique dates of shit rolls downhill there like if you get this in time to put the what the fuck is a fucking Scotch tape do they have a dispenser on the shelf above the think or do they make like a shift of people take a box and they go like this will be for deliveries
despite the whole lives lives and say to people or make a cut collectors items going to be like we chat we don’t want anything to ever spill and you should benefit from that to here’s a football-shaped cup that you can throw and it won’t spell but it’s like they fucking converts into a thing and you can believe it on your porch will give you a refund to let me wet my beach and there’s like a fish as he thinks it just feels a little bit like a fuck you they’re like well I all I know is if I spill something if your liquid gets anywhere then that’s wrong me and so here I solved my problem good luck because you can’t take a bag and I saw you roll your eyes at me sir I know you think I’m Petty I know you think I’m Petty but I did I said I was petty he was like I can’t believe this motherfukers bitching about a sippy cup
it would serve them right if when you got your food you like said hold on a second and you looked in as if to count your tacos but you don’t even care about the Acura tacocat you actually could you could you untape the straw holes cuz it usually takes me about 20 minutes
because I don’t know if you’ve ever put Scotch tape on a on a fucking lid you guys look nobody gets me I’m like I’m telling you if I was running this world
yeah before it before childhood hunger we got to fix that tape shit I bet I bet half of childhood hunger is somehow related to this
okay one more thing and then I’ll bring out our guest here okay genius idea this is like you can have it I got enough to do somebody go write this up and get the people attached so
Tom Hanks
symbol of an actor been with us for a long time he’s a blues we’ve we’ve been with him when he was a young whippersnapper a bosom buddy all about a maze monster all the way up through a Philadelphia all the way to Captain Robert Phillips & Beyond he’s lived a full life one of his many roles was a child who wished he was a little older I’m saying now it’s time you can use him we can do this big to colon small
let’s go let’s go let’s go let’s go because she’s wishing she was pretty but they and then I was like oh yeah they should and I was explaining to Cody like oh they’re doing the big reference because of the thing and then I was like I’m old and then I was like a big reverse big O big to Cole and small my audience is going to love this
yeah and she’s like you have an audience of like what the people that show up on Monday like I don’t know what you call them friends Frenemies
my judges do you like that
maybe so maybe we can get along with my judges are here that feels like a healthy on his description of this relationship my next guest might make you like me but I can’t help it if you don’t because you’re out of order
I-80 at the end of the podcast I will throw myself on your mercy as I always do and we’ll see what you decide at some point and I will stop you from doing that cuz I am the bailiff I’m yeah well I’m I’m I’m like I’m like a crazy I don’t know I just I’m like I’m like the Senate I don’t know I just control everything I just depressed as fuck you people I mean if it pleases you
hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss going a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually, never misses that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes related my own life so it’s always a little tea and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker myself and one of the blackest Phil nerdiest film nerves like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Black Cinema what Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
alright our next guest sister podcast I mean like I’ve been doing it forever I I mentioned us a couple of episodes of go where I was like you know I did my freshen of him and I said MIT impression because I knew that somehow this connection was going to get made and I did really did not want it to reach him in an offensive way I said hey. I’ll fly you out come out do the thing I don’t know if you took me up on that or if you was here anyway or whatever but leave you put it together like it was like the next day or something was like they’re coming at least as long as this one I’m fascinated with it I fall asleep to it every night in spite of the titular warning not to or the titular brag that you’re not going to
please welcome the Creator and host of award-winning podcast the no-sleep podcast mr. David Cummings
hi everybody
I’m sorry about how long I made you wait before I said the same thing I say to every yes I said I talk for 5 maybe 10 minutes it’s probably been 20 I’m just thrilled to be on the episode about fat people with big tits right at home
I was on a podcast
that tingles me to the Bone you’ve been listening to do my impression of you all day today cuz we hung out all day really Dan and I are BFFs now we did so is it okay to tell people that we did some recording today yes absolutely you have to podcasts affiliated with it and I’m I’m what they call in La then I’m an EP Alex aldea who’s here tonight he said yeah I was pretty impressed to I felt so all I wanted to do is take photos of all the sound booths in the mics and everything crazy binaural microphone that’s shaped like a human head
you know there’s a s m r things on YouTube and the people are like let me rub rub a hairbrush on on you
and it ain’t they they they’re talking you or some of them are talking into it’s like the expensive one looks like a mannequin had made of Onyx and it has ears and a nose
crazy sorry anyways but and then and then you have me play a part in a in a in a no sleeve
it says right on the next episode and in the current episode that just came out on the weekend we started a three-part series and Dan is going to be in part 2 and part 3
it was really hard in the first thing we did cuz it was like a dramatic kind of radio show peace and like listening to you by the way your what would you do when you’re just talking normally when you’re like I wouldn’t you don’t have this like you is what you up you you do this like performance voice that sounds so distinct but then you sound completely like a normal are you aware of that shift do you like put a clutch pedal in and go like the time to give it to them to the max what you always talk about me sending the Canadian so normally I like I started talk to you that’s not not that kind of Canadian
go down low as you do your intro just sort of like what you what you say at the beginning I never remember it I’ll do it for you
fell for it I also don’t remember it but never stop me
it’s time
for you to lose sleep that’s not that can’t be it that can’t be it
for the dark hours when you dare not close your eyes
Tales to frighten and disturb
for tonight there will be no sleep
we’ve got six shillings spine-tingling Terror tales for you tonight but first a few matters of Finance
are regular author reader case a chance
one of those wasn’t the letter
has found a lump
I will be needing lots and lots of extra subscribers for us to continue our scary work like I think you have a adamantine I said well you have yourself esteem you have you have something tonight I’ll tell you never I would never even go into that area if I thought if I thought it would hurt myself as being a pain reader and responder I mean like if I thought I was what I was doing was hurtful I wouldn’t do it I I so I guess that’s me telling you not to be offended I wouldn’t what kind of gasoline should I was talking to Dan earlier today as we mentioned bragging about Capitol Records but yeah Danny was commenting on the show and talking about my Canadian accent and
you did everything two or three episodes in a row and a lot of friends a lot of people listen to that and some people were contacting me and they’re saying hey dude are you okay don’t let her do you manage sure you didn’t mean anything by that really really don’t let it get to you at 8 it’s all cool and I’m thinking these people are worried that I’m going to be upset because I sound like a Canadian I am a Canadian
you people think it sounds terrible are you thinking
you look around you and you just want to help people
those guys talk weird let’s let him have it let’s hold them to a higher standard nobody down here talks weird soothing I I think that that went well I’m from Wisconsin so the the the I did the treatment of vowel sounds is a little related I find it to be more lullaby like like them in the making love to vowel sounds truly loved it I know you nobody wants to hear about the word aboot in that that in the boot and all that stuff cuz it’s like so it’s like making my mom jokes now it’s like so played out but at the same time it’s like such a I get a little dopamine Spike when a word comes up that that that you just pronounce that way because it feels like an uncle or father or something is like it’s it feels it feels friendly and so this business of horror feels very nurturing it’s basically like it’s October so you know what I
learn from Campbell is that trick or treat is they like all of our Halloween tradition is all about this this it’s The Duality it’s like not just like Knock-Knock who’s there a Port Jervis lake lake lake lake let’s look sometimes with horror becomes but like this idea of like sit down in front of this fireplace I’m a nice guy but I want to tell you about someone that will eat your fucking got salad with a straw and it kind of more effective because they’re your like I didn’t want to have to warn you about this but the truth is there’s a crazy corn to Eskimo band that’s that’s that’s easy easy with the eskimos
speaking of which. I was also telling you that because you’re a sister podcast born at the same time I did not I don’t have this experience cuz I haven’t been to listen to our podcast but listening to yours goes through these recently rapidly shifting times is very interesting to me do you remember your first episode where you very exuberant lie like a very busy a sickly like really you would heard about the concept and you were really like into it and we’re like you loved the idea and you’re introducing it to the people in like we are if you’ll go on the web page we now have something called a trigger warning and it was like it was like you would just heard about it was like disco like Legos like like and and like me at that same time you do you remember that thing that and being happy about it and
I don’t remember being happy about it that’s a weird thing I think you were behind it that you weren’t you weren’t apparently you have to trigger when is it wasn’t like that it was like I felt to me like you were like I heard about this concept of of letting people know where they are or aren’t you know comforting to be comfortable it said that people can mind their own fucking beeswax and you were like sounds really logical and practical to me and I guess I must be a really quintessential polite Canadian because inside I felt like fuck these people what are the trigger warning
and so and that cuz they done The Following episode it was like it was like the class like this is what we were all going through is sort of like there was this first round of like go to the website you’ll see a warning or a trigger warning is aware that it was just really not a big deal like nothing’s happening Obama and no scraping nothing but then the following episode was like look here’s the thing the reason I did a trigger warning cuz I got to get the unspoken story was that actually what had happened was this Avalanche of of may be understandable but ultimately like bad Target Lake cuz you’re just trying to do the right thing like that you had been there with with his backlash that I was hearing you use that phrase because it meant something different to them they had a different relationship with etcetera do you remember that time is my question oh yeah yeah absolutely I remember the time and I got a whole bunch of emails at almost seemed like a concerted effort
people to say you’ve got to be more sensitive to your listeners and you got to warn people in a lot of it was based around very understandable topics like not that we’re not a show that’s going to highlight stories about rape or child molestation and stuff like that but we might imply that in a story so I can get us some people would want them know this is a genre that has to do with pedophilia and rape because it’s it’s it’s like it’s a horror that is being written by people who are there off the chain there The Roots come through Reddit forums and things and people are exploring really what scares me what will therefore scare a stranger and there’s an awful campfire stories begin is that it would have been outrageous to ask a parent by an affidavit or something if it if you would like these here you like
What’s My Lover’s Lane my child is 10 years old what are you saying it’s a very tribal in like like horror has always good at it it has its roots in I mean you what draws you to horror you talk more than me about it like I just like listening to and I don’t know why I like but when I grew up when I was young I would lie in bed on Sunday night and there is a radio show in my hometown of Toronto and they played old old-time radio shows like lights out and suspense and that type of thing so I was introduced to Horror in the audio format so it was the magic of you know if you watch a horror movie in there’s a creepy basement you’re seeing the directors impression of their creepiest basement but if you just you’re listening to a story and they say I walked into a creepy basement The Listener is going to imagine their creepiest
basement looks like and so their imagination draws them into the story so
oh yeah they didn’t ya if I watch an Eli Roth movie I’m out I’ll be like well I don’t I don’t know if I want to like I need more of a story than this which means unfortunately for the word director that I basically want it to be more like Jaws ret you know and maybe that director is like saying well I just want to make a movie grossed you out take you to a crazy dark demonic place that you can’t wait to see that you are returned threshold is running out of the theater and telling your friends I survived watching this movie and an artist should have a right to that they shouldn’t be bound to my definition of what a story is however when I watch a movie I I I go to a movie of those expectations and I do not go to books which I don’t read with that expectation therefore I definitely do not go to a stranger’s half of the time at 9 like crazy like I just wrote this to check kind of fuk with you to fuck with myself and so a lot of the themes will have to do with there are heavy themes that emerged
that put you in an uncomfortable place are abortion there’s such a huge like where else would you go except like the idea of children children being threatened like they’re that the state’s can only get so high before like some like somebody move that your story is you like you said they’re not they don’t go there you would never be mistaken for being in do the things that you’re supposed to be scared of our friend John grills who does the creepy podcast which is more of just how I found your podcast he told me cuz I was like I don’t think I could ever write horror I don’t know I wouldn’t know how to do it and he said just make you just scare yourself like do the same advices with comedy as you would for her and then I think oh yeah I know I couldn’t I couldn’t do it because when I think of
being scared I get scared
are Anna and Anna and I would do it and I said no I’m not going to go I’m not going to go to that scary thing I don’t like being startled and then they felt bad and that made me feel bad
well yeah it’s it’s true it’s true so I like listening to other people who go there and like I’m a proctologist that likes to do extracurricular work and I’m like that’s not a real example I just
well yeah and the other thing to it when it comes to writing horror and not that I do a lot of it but you think that one of the big things about Horace if there’s a Twist or if there’s something you don’t see coming and that could be the real scary point but if you’re writing it while you know what the twist is so you can never put yourself behind the scenes enough to know that experience that twists
what scares me
that’s the thing it while it’s not so much so much of a broad theme but the thing that creeps me out the most in horror films is that someone standing outside and they look up at their house and it’s a face in the window and if there’s something about it’s either you’re inside the house and you look out the window and you see somebody standing in your yard or you see a face in the window that always give her like the house you just got out of this weird shit going on in the house and then finally the person does what you would do which is they just get the fuck out of there and I’m going to stay in a motel and then they then they drop their keys and they look up and there’s a fucking person in the window it’s almost scary or like it’s like that rumor that classic urban legend about the the trucker with the headlights are the punchline of that is that you lived but it’s scarier it’s like thinking about you there was a dude in your back seat behind the keyhole or whatever the Red Room like that
another classic Rittz like I looked through the keyhole and it was just read all I said was read I read that hotel room is like haunted I look through the red but I already blew it there’s it is a red-eye whatever who cares I don’t know what I do yeah people conversations on the all right I’ll be home invasion what would make you run no questions asked thank you know why I’m not running shut up you ever lived through the horror of what you like to go to a fast food restaurant and then give you a soft drink and there’s like this prophylactic Over the Hole
it was terrifying
are you implying in all of your Canadian Grey’s that that’s be some Scotch tape is doing me the service of keeping germs out of my My Thai iced tea is that what you’re saying by the way you’re welcome for keeping those germs out of the hall to protect them they don’t want to I don’t know I’ve never experienced that so I know when you’re feeling at this thing in the tape Just Brakes it’s something I ate Brakes in the little strings like I’m telling you look why don’t you kids get a job
when you got to make like Capri Sun straws where you could just like they have a point to it and need to go bam you know
I guess that was a good idea shark tank motherfukers from the community we need to focus on how hard it is for yeah yeah I know you can’t complain about the stuff anymore because it’s like it’s like it it’s two of the world is too connected in the real life became the internet so you really can’t anymore is that fun even if used to already be whining and taboo but yeah you can’t be like that my way over here and the weight person did one of these things and everyone now is just like they make minimum wage fuck you you fucking cock sucker
if he was doing it nevermind I just the point of strobbe good appointed striker one winner or at like you know they have those they have some of them but they’re the lives that are like legitimately sealed until you really poke the gun is a circular thing and I like poke poke right down in there and it’s like ready-made and satisfying and we’re all going to get rich what half penny at a time just write a screenplay
it’s not that difficult to figure out everyone just write a screenplay and sell it and take that money put it into your restaurant supplies
I want we have leftover we build a radio for our Island why do I have to spell it out for everybody I understand how money works there is an island
so we had a you you got a like lately there was a thing that was Rebecca write the thing that and did she want she just got it if she did write it there was a signal that that’s written that we can do it for format we can do some people call it a Hollywood with the No Sleep tee made by the way the individual segments are they called those you going I have to do three more no sleeps or this episode will be frightening Lee under the runtime
you don’t call no sleeves what do you refer to him as the story is basically are you talkin to be in the vagina
like what are you what are you doing
everybody apply don’t think what do you think do you think Rod Serling called him called them zones or like I feel like we call him group shows the individual creatures within a Creepshow
confusing us with our Canadian friend what else
I heard my question and then I was like now it’s been written and we can perform it right we are going to perform it no sting style yes we’re going to do a story for you tonight
we got these these tablets but that they’re locked so I don’t know how to unlock what’s your password the great yell out your password and your phone number could you come up maybe we’ll get some help
sorry about that thanks so as I mentioned Dan was talking about no sleep on the show and talking about Canada and me being a Canadian and all that so we talked to one of our famous writers one of our best CK Walker
Buffalo’s
and if you if you don’t know how many people here are fans of horror and Netflix enough to know about the upcoming series called the house The Haunting of Hill House
the great c k Walker is a staff writer on that Series so we’re thrilled not only that she is working with great people like Mike Flanagan and doing all these big TV series but she still write stories for a second so what we decided to do or or ck did was to write a short script about Canada specifically about Canadian Thanksgiving
because our Thanksgiving is next weekend we have it earlier than you have a spooky as hell
anytime I can understand questions about it but I think we’re going to learn about yes that’s right because CK wrote the script with some fun but also with some true facts about one of the people who founded Canada or at least got it off the ground many many years ago and how it relates to Thanksgiving can we see what we go you got you guys go set up good that’s right
all our music has fat beats down so you can
I guess I should get my script to
First Nations
oh by the way Brandon will be playing the part of Jeff Davidson
already here see how I can do this all right hosers
so in Canada are we’ve got this thing called Thanksgiving there don’t you know
hey it’s a friendship when you do it
it works the opposite cuz
well you know it’s tradition in the motherland to tell stories of Thanksgiving passed from around the world and we do it around the holidays of course but I’m in America Los Angeles to be specific and since Canada’s day of things is quickly approaching I thought I would tell you about a Thanksgiving of the future
I Thanksgiving when I extend an invitation down south to some American friend
rat sound effects
yeah I don’t think that has anything to do with the weather seriously it’s fucking cold
hellboy’s welcome to Canada sometime
didn’t think we’d ever find the place well I’m glad to see you did Sun’s getting low got to get you inside before dark
packed quite a bit for a long weekend didn’t you ridiculous you travel like a woman
it’s my laptop and some DVDs what it was a long flight smart if you ask me not much to do and too cold to go anywhere what’s the temperature outside David it’s about 6 degrees Celsius
can we get that in Freedom Units
it’s like 40 degrees thank you Patriots can I get you boys a beer please David smells fucking good to Turkey of course there’s turkey it’s Canadian Thanksgiving it’s just called Thanksgiving here
you got candied yams I’m afraid not only in the u.s. do they put sugar and marshmallows in their vegetables
I would love to get my hands on some poutine no poutine
Bible Camp I nope nope nope Thanksgiving in Canada is a bit different than in the US
how so
other than being on a Monday well here it’s not just a Christmas dress rehearsal there are traditions and writes that must be satisfied like what oh you’ll see sit down sit down eat eat it’s custom that the host tells the story of the first Thanksgiving over the feast though I’m sure you’re already well-versed and I wouldn’t count on that
this is great
you’re a decent cook Cummings definitely but what’s that green stuff at the end of the table that’s must peas they were served at the first Thanksgiving in Canada are you ready for the telling yeah whatever you want just passed more of that Canadian greedy
well the story of the first Thanksgiving starts in 1574 with a pirate’s name to Martin frobisher Barbara sure I had an eyepatch and everything lost his eye privateering for the English crown or a pirate well he was both frobisher was an Englishman who had contracts with the crown to go explore the Northwest Passage
but he also participated in piracy frobisher’s letter of Marque basically government license to attack England’s enemies at Sea was also 5 so it was a pirate yeah basically yeah but in 1574 Martin received the Crown’s approval to explore new routes to the Pacific Ocean through well know we didn’t get the funding probably sure was forced to pursue financing for his friend and director of the cafe company Michael Loch
just left and Brandon showed up Brandon
so frobisher weighed anchor and took his Fleet of three ships West because of some bad weather he was pushed into Baffin Island and landed in an inlet that Martin named frobisher pay and have the first Canadian Thanksgiving
it’s really picking up out there and yes it sure is down and interest only enough that was not the first Thanksgiving because wow frobisher was on Baffin Island he discovered gold and that was the first day of Thanksgiving no not even close happy with his find Martin loaded up to hun
tons of mined gold from frobisher Bay and hauled it back to England to present to the queen he was celebrated by High Society welcomed in the new circles people no longer mocked his one eye and Martin wanted more so he requested another expedition to retrieve even more gold from Canada he also finishing petition to Queen Elizabeth to be named High admiral of the Northwestern seems she agreed to one request but not the other and Martin was forced to again beg for financing from his friend Mike the law and the cafe company
find gold chain around his neck a gift from Queen Elizabeth herself this time the storm that hit the expedition was truly awesome and they lived in the frobisher bay with a fleet of only twelve and this was the first Canadian Thanksgiving Martin was so happy to make land that the four hundred men on the Expedition sat down to a lovely supper salted ham biscuits and must appease most men would have been more Canadian huh or no no no animal larger and more powerful than a horse you would never run for food but there’s more
much much more rubbish or mine the Gold and brought 1350 tons of it back to England
is that an animal it’s a moose, I’m going to get another beer so frobisher was Kardashian Rich when he got back to England
mouth not exactly
we should return to England with his 1300 tons of gold but when he anchored in London he received unsettling news the gold he brought back from Canada has been smelted it turns out it wasn’t cool that all what was the iron pyrites
hahaha old gold
yes
and he had literally tons of it was stripped of his title shunned by the crown the cafe company went bankrupt and Martin’s friend Michael Locke was thrown into debtors prison wow you share your wild Martin frobisher was humiliated publicly and otherwise people laughed in his face we can never laughed accused his one remaining I have bad eyesight and Martin blame Canada for the Bamboozle drunkenly renting that the only dignified part of that Frozen how was the enormous antlers preacher We Now call
what happened next well what was her diet during the anglo-spanish war in France in a town called breast
well I admit that story is more interesting than pilgrims eating corn in the Greater Boston area
it’s not what else can I be part of the stores could I be yes indeed upon hearing of frobisher’s death at breast
Queen Elizabeth ordered his body to be decapitated and taken back to Baffin Island and buried there so that his shame may follow him into death ybn could she did not believe frobisher should never be able to hold his head high even in the afterlife Savage
and it said that everything is giving frobisher awakens from El to climb up on his antlers Steed a moose some moves and pass through Canada from coast to coast visiting our homes to demand a piece of gold from every household Canadian Thanksgiving
what why did he do that what he wishes to collect the fortune of gold that Canada robbed him out to clear his name exactly
that’s hilarious so what do you guys do eat Yukon Gold potatoes at Thanksgiving or some shit of course not don’t be ridiculous. We offered him gold gold right so like Canadian kids leave out Goldschlager on Thanksgiving night or mommy’s earrings oh no no children are put to bed long before frobisher arrives and you simply hand him the gold
okay got to see what is that
what do you mean handle the cold
there’s a moose on the porch on the fucking porch
all right you have to hand it to him very carefully remember that frobisher only has one eye and he will be very angry if he accidentally dropped his gold what gold
the gold you brought for Thanksgiving of course but we didn’t know we were supposed to bring gold to Canadian Thanksgiving
it’s a boy you’re crashing
now everybody slowly get out your gold frobisher prefer solid metal but sometimes will accept the flakes are or even gold wiring I heard even once accepted a book called so we offered him simple Kraft Dinner cooked to Perfection we don’t have any gold you fucking lunatic
quickly stop playing around and offer him our goals or he will kill us if we don’t have any gold guests always bring the gold for Thanksgiving everyone knows that
if we talk offer goal the frobisher on Thanksgiving then we will be massacred trampled to death under the Hooves of his steed
does anybody have a Rolex a gold chain a wedding ring literally anything made out of gold
why the fuck would I have that with me I didn’t bring a 40 lb suitcase like Jeff
gold
It’s Your Love
so it is mine by bazzi
but if you want frobisher to say is last light again I buy
Jeff Jeff wherever you are he has many homes to get to his patience is thin
to bring him that’s not gold
he may accept it what’s he doing he’s showing his head
he’s putting in his bag he’s he’s accepted
holyshit
that was that was just man fuck Canadian Thanksgiving
what DVD did you even give him Jeff the 20th anniversary of the re-release of golden eyes
that fucking worked was very good thinking he’s very sensitive about his missing eye I’m sure he would like to have a golden one that doesn’t that doesn’t even make sense
I think it does in Canada
I’m not surprised at all the frobisher accepted our endowment it was very clever Brendan
Brandon what is it
I’m just back in the case what are you saying
I’m saying the 20th anniversary of the re-release of GoldenEye is not in the disk and I gave him
he’s coming back he’s coming back how much time do we have not much what do we do Cummings nothing if he doesn’t have the 20th anniversary of the re-release of GoldenEye then it’s already too late
I don’t want to die in Canada
you’re so quiet
you bring my body home to the US you hear me Cummings don’t let them bury me in Canada
I withhold from my debt screen the letter u
because your country is so fond of it
they use it too much in words like a boot
I’m Roofing
I know what you’re thinking
but don’t worry I do live through that particular Thanksgiving Day Massacre every Canadian knows to keep a gold filling in their molar for old frobisher for this very reason
oh and I do bring Dan’s body back to the States so you can rest easy about that
but I guess what you really want to know is what disc is in the case if it isn’t golden iron
I’m sure I’ll tell you
it’s a Razzie nominated 2008 Matthew McConaughey Masterpiece called Fool’s Gold
all right
16 pages
pretty powerful stuff now
I looked at the number of pages when we were I page eight and I was like oh shit
I would like to believe that you gave strict requirements for what you wanted the story to be that we keep we keep a tight ship around here is at least once per season you do you do these suddenly shocking episode did is there a term for is it like flash horror or is there a term for the objective of the mini mini mini no sleeps in as a common one usually stories that Run 3 to 5 minutes long flash fiction micro story all right let’s do a couple no script for tonight and I’ll play the David Cummings part okay but usually they’re more narrated but I’ll I’ll introduce one and then
and then we’ll go from there and then we’ll make some adjustments alright hit the music
I guess I’m talking to you
yeah hit your music sorry
I would have been more polite if I knew I was talking to you hit the music I’m Canadian I wait for please and thank you
The Hourglass is almost full
and time is just about up
for tonight there will be no sleep
this is a podcast about disturbing you for Fun and Profit
with an under emphasis on the profit which will be equitably distributed to all of the talent involved
for the healthcare for all those involved in this show will be Universal
anyone listening to Tonight Show
we’ll have any injuries immediately healed at the nearest hospital as part of a new promotion
for tonight there will be no oligarchy
I’m your host David Cummings and tonight I will be coming a few stories
it took that long for you to make fun of my last name
it’s not making fun of your last name is making fun of the idea of you were that you were like heck out racism
Gateway works until 2006 and that everything started falling apart for tonight there will be a millennial accountability
a few words about the trigger warning on our website
music is this
are you undercutting me with City or music can you play music
due to budget constraints season 11 episode 42 and tonight’s we’ve got some scary nuggets for you
with authors like Jennifer a Colby Landon
Michael Stipe
Porky Smith’s AJ Clemens
arche Snickers and Cilia Tom Jones
a brief word about the subscription Plan before we get started
starting in October we will be offering an extra bonus episode for those who fill in the how do I pay a blank sheet on our form at no sleepys.com
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I speak for the audience when I say shut the fuk up coming but let’s get on with the show
we’ve got a series of micro fast spine tinglers tonight called suddenly shockers
these micro-sized Postcards From the Oblivion come with postage prepaid through stamps.com
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it’s all we are we are running like a Swiss clock up here
the our first tail
cuckoo clocks
are often a Trope in chronological imagery
avian time tellers often
see loud sounds at various hours during the time of day in but sometimes the time of day is the only time you wish you had left
author JK Simmons
pics of through an example of what I mean in a tale read by culprit Rupert that will make you understand why I love my grandfather’s cuckoo clock
I will never do another episode of the podcast again
pretty pretty
it was a very difficult time for me
because I had no time my beloved grandfather had passed away and at the time of his death his favorite cherished cuckoo clock stopped ticking
I didn’t know he could bad that power
why don’t you do something nice for your grandfather’s funeral
but I didn’t know what to do for his funeral
with his clock broken cuckooing no more
I knew I had to have it repaired Bradley
you should hurry up and get that cuckoo clock repaired
and my needs come first
and so I took care of her cuckoo
lovingly sensuous Lee with lots of little birds popping in and out
thank you Bradley that takes care of that
my True Canadian girlfriend thanking me for sex
and that’s when I called the cuckoo clock repair man
hey Google can I get no more shut up
I don’t need it
going on in my cuckoo clock repair shop anyways what do you want
my beloved grandfather has passed and he’s cuckoo clock broke ceased to function at the very moment of his death have you experienced Supernatural cuckoo clock repair before you serious
you know about Timothy don’t you are you fucking with me I am not good sir
shut the fuk up immigrants
you need me tomorrow
sorry I got a little situation going on in the back room
anyways and then you came over
yes I phoned you and asked if I could come over to your shop all right
for this story within a story
I must know tell me if Timothy well all I could tell you is what I’ve seen I hope I never see it again
back in the old days when this was a mining town nobody cared what time it was
eventually they found out they could mind more cool if they took a bird down put it in a cage real cage like
and let it breathe the fucking cool fumes coal-fueled go up the bird takes a dirt nap only it ain’t no dirt in the change
imagine being a fucking bird taking a dirt nap in a cage with no dirt
rather fucking immigrant suffer that fate personally but that’s just me I ain’t going to suffer
I love Janet
anybody coming in your fucking it up that’s pretty rare married you
you staying your special door
yeah yeah yeah you’ll meet the little lady later she died
toy reveal
anyways
go fucking shit cam
George Costanza’s going to
have a runner while The Hitchhiker’s getting killed again touched over to him and it’s a bummer
story don’t fucking answer
anyways so this mining town right here’s the thing whole town
runs on coal dig
is cool goal is Doug yes yes but you can call if all the birds died C
so they get this idea right the mining industry
they think let’s put kids down there
cheaper than fucking Birds right
and the kids going to react to coal fuel just to stretch
in point of fact their lungs are notoriously weak
if it’s too much for a kid I should stop taking call
it’s okay
what Canadian kids
they didn’t deserve that fate and they’re worth about 75% of American children these days
so they did it for years right and the coal town booms will keep seated in the paper
this town. One story though
Tennessee
is that what I said
we’re on pins and needles for Timothy
look at me go
Timothy I don’t know
the scientists didn’t know where they found them and the test results didn’t provide no Clarity but this kid was different
first time he went down he come up from the fume chamber
saying give me more
search it wouldn’t I see he just kept loving going down deeper and deeper coal miner started to die cuz Timothy wasn’t dying by the time they caught on
they grab their pickaxes but it wasn’t cold they were going to mind it was going to be Timothy soul
at that point he was living down in the bottom of the mines where we call No Man’s Land because we hadn’t yet had an inclusive mining operation
it’s now called Nobody’s land
it’s also closed handed it has a very good green energy policy like and this is not about that but they went down pickaxes and torches in hand and the other hand free
the pickaxe is getting hot from the torch adjacent to it
the custom-made handles of the torch and pickaxe doing their job of fitting snugly into one hands so that later they could be described to the telling of the story as having pleural things in hand
without a second thought
when they got down to nobody’s land
they saw something scarier than a thousand dead birds something scarier than the Sea of child bones that have been created by the Canadian coal industry lalalala they saw Timothy’s empty cage so anyways that’s on his anniversary people say they what did you say that made me alarm
your Grandpa died Grandpa Grandpa died
and Timothy’s last name if I’m not mistaken with Horton
yeah
all right look you’ve put up with enough I can repair your cuckoo clock
bump your head it’s called The True Canadian benefits package couple of brown people that want their clocks fixed might find their unfixable this season I’m racist
has Canadians are want to be a come up it’s coming
I’m not a quintessential Canadian
I just did I tried to just suddenly thought maybe you thought I was doing something and I wasn’t doing I hear you but
oh my God where is she
now remember you’re the narrator of the story
I just been what do you call it some kind of dialogue digression within your Pros the story pays off as I open this door and you be my wife
I smile too wide for vase
now you see
horrifying horrifying but strangely arousing
that’s a duck a duck
that’s why they call it a cuckoo clock
oh yeah
pink guy that’s hard to improvise if you can’t they have to be written in order to have a like Punchy ending right we we try to have a bunch and yes so that’s why they’re called a cuckoo clock I see I think my grandfather didn’t know that story and that’s why he died
okay I was good one all things considered that’s fine
how have we been doing this for seven years of pets what are stories are like thinking about it but it actually was impressive to me like I was like like how like I said I was following you when trigger warnings were invented and then following you for the backlash and following me the whole time and you’ve never where is it we’ve been podcast in the same amount of time and I’ve just been a kitten garbage cans and swerving around in like I don’t want to hurt anybody but I heard everybody and but you have a script a podcast that’s like you could you can watch the earth move beneath your podcast feet but what emerges I just left I’m listening to your most recent season and you you did Pride week and you did this like lgbtq episode and it’s like honestly like there’s a fear in the back of
I had when I think about the stuff of Mike yeah but just don’t you know like it like let’s not let’s not have that be adding water to something or feel like we just did the Nazis call it virtue signalling and it just makes that you know it’s truly am I listening to the lake lake scripted horror podcast and it’s like I’m not virtue signalling or white knighting or whatever they call it when I say it really struck me that way we could get a voices gay perspectives and things like make shit like horror better because either a you have a classic story that’s like a husband and wife that but it’s like a husband and husband and it’s like all the more like it because it’s a horror story in the focus is on this fucked-up shit that’s going on you’re like your husband and you come through a visceral experience like having been trained neurologically to think of people that are different as the same which is like a healing that’s one kind of a good thing but then the other thing is like
when the ship goes deep and dark and turns those trigger warnings there are like there was that there was an author who did the tradition in this format where it’s like the person is unreliable narrator who kind of like turns out to be your kidnapper or whatever and kind of like I don’t know I’m babbling but like would you take over and say anything about that the or it wouldn’t be good like did you have you what has been your experience I don’t know if you’re straight or gay or anything I have never bothered to ask because I’ve been better but I’d like like like whether you whatever category you might fit or not fit into what has been your experience with representation of your obligations your your desires and things well what are the new things about our show is that we have a cast of voice actors writers producers and they’re from all around the world and we they’ll record separately and send them Parts in and we have
a really strong representation from the lgbtq community just in the team that creates the show and what do the tourist thing and then one by one people are like by the way I’m such and such and like and you’re like yes and that’s like that’s like the Muppet movie The Works it was never an issue it was never a call and then is Dan mentioned it seemed for some reason recently we did some stories that just happen to have same-sex couples it wasn’t it wasn’t a heavy gay-themed there was no gay sex or anything like that it’s just two people driving down the road and there to eat on the road are we going to
it’s not like you just add the way I am
and yes so that we did the stories and believe it or not I got emails from people saying what’s with all the queer stuff what’s why do you have you know it it has nothing to destroy why do you have all these same sex things and it was right around that time that we had as a team we were already thinking about putting together for pride month and episode that had every story would be written by someone from the lgbtq community and it was just we’re going to celebrate pride month not because
I just like that I like that you pissed off somebody who complained well that’s the thing is so I put a little disclaimer on the next episode of the episode before the pride episode and basically said look we will do these stories and if you don’t like them you’re free to not listen and we and I think I try to inform our audience that you know we’ve got voice actors and people on the show who terrifyingly enough are gay and and yeah we got some blowback from that there were people who cancel their subscriptions and all that kind of stuff but the style of Freedom receive these these these sort of like these when I get these signals are they they they get ironically triggered by them and go like a political correctness is coming in but I got to say as a pot-bellied 45 year old one straight white dude who has nothing to gain or lose like I
honestly I just may be the most insulting complement of all time but I really struck me as listening to that episode just yesterday and was like I would I would recommend to a fan of like what I was going like you should listen to this is like really well produce well-written horror stories that have a modern context to them but they have a but they also have like a classy like Foundation to the more respect for the audio format and stuff like that I actually if you’re going to start with anything listen to the LG it happens to be the lgbtq I would say like you’ll find it that way but they wouldn’t be because it would be just happens to be my point being that that end in addition to being inclusive it’s not like a handicap parking space it’s not it’s not this like things like let’s be proactive and break the cycle which is also fine but you’ve managed to gracefully do this thing because you had the Communist vardis your people who love reading stories and writing stories they’re all individuals snowflakes if you will and and each of them comes to the table I assume and going like
okay can I go here can I go there or could you represent this and that and you I’m I’m psychically osmotically interpreting are they are like me and that you would go yeah because why would I put up a wall against that and and the result is truly not obnoxious it’s not saccharine it’s not watered down it’s anything it’s like it has it has all these extra flavor to it because it’s it’s there’s something and mean look Fierce xenophobia sacks fear they all go kind of hand in hand right it’s different from Comedy remaining like discussion point is like what the hell is it with what are we in the in the in these times where we’re actually trying to be sensitive to each other when the reality is that when we go to bed together and when we speak around campfires to each other when we went we want to get visceral reactions for each other we want we want to be able to cross thresholds that’s literally the definition of a story crossing boundaries
and yet in a very I’m not doing the old man thing where I’m like we can’t have fun anymore because you’re having fun but you’re not hurting anybody is very clear that you’re not doing it in defiance it’s like it’s very it’s two things are very clear when I listen to that podcast you guys don’t give a shit about like whether or not somebody might boycott or anything like that there is no pandering happening the next thing that’s clear is that you definitely don’t want to hurt anybody I like I don’t know how how you could impart to somebody that we’re listening these I like is there some key to the philosophy like the algorithm that you run or is it simply you don’t think about it and I fully agree that I am pretty fucking awesome
no it’s yeah it’s definitely the latter it’s just I don’t care and I know it’s I’ve heard that lately some people say that as a straight person if I say look I don’t care if you’re gay or straight or trans and they say well that’s not right you got to be a little more sensitive but no it to me like you said sex and horror are very intermingled there they’re very much
give me the were interested. Like what what’s the kind of stuff that you guys are you get like submissions like so which water or you can say I don’t want to talk about this cuz I want you to know how the sausage is made and you know but is there a site like like do you have lines that you draw where rules in your head that you run things through it so you got like you know what this is and I’ll stop asking the questions you can answer it there aren’t a lot of hard and fast rules as I mentioned earlier will do a story if it implies that’s a sexual assault or rape something that isn’t gratuitous when I can have a 12 minutes segment where you hear a person describe the graphic moments of them being raped and stuff like that so we we guard that line but I remember way back in a good season 3 we did a story it was called autopilot and it basically told the story of something that you hear in the news
free summer and it’s horrifyingly tragic and it has to do with children being left in cars in the summertime and so that’s a story that I probably wouldn’t do today because fear in all the blowback and people saying I we heard back from after that we did that show somebody emailed me and said are you going to keep doing stories where children are murdered and we thought I thought the child was murdered it was horrifying accident but that’s how his mind as a father he thought that so you don’t we like we like pushing people and we say we’re at the top of every show as as Dennis so gracefully pointed out tonight you know I say we do Tales to frighten and disturb and that’s that key word disturb is I think lost a lot of people we want people not used to being your chills up the Spy knew that spooky but we want people to be genuinely uncomfortable and unsettled and yeah
a warning that you could give which is like your something like to paraphrase that you’re coming here to be frightened to Disturbed on purpose or something like that or you’re coming here to do that you want your name to be frightened into stir before your own entertainment is it audio or horror that’s more like if you had an opportunity to do more than the audio version of it would you you’re like oh I like the scary stuff or are you more like I like audio storytelling and it doesn’t necessarily have to be horror but that’s the that’s the hot-dog of audio Yeah I think I’ll horror audio in horror go together better than probably any other format again. Just what I mentioned earlier about using your imagination and getting cues from the story to involve yourself in the story but
seven years I’d love to Branch out I have the the thrill of being on a podcast produced by the aforementioned Alex aldea about called deadly manners and it was a 10-part series and it was basically like the movie clue it’s a comedy Whodunnit murder mystery and being able to do comedy and a play a bit of an over-the-top has been washed out actor and Roll It Was Written especially for me was it was a real thrill that was a lot of fun so yeah I think horrible always be my first love but he had to Branch out and do voices on you don’t like animation Rick and Morty and all the stuff up
it’s funny you should mention that David because I actually have now I know I did some goofing I improvise some stuff but I did write in Polish a story in which the characters you David Cummings telling a story called and I’m telling you cuz you’ll have to introduce the author Jan Harmon will tell the story of the title is why I won’t ever go back to Rick and Morty so then you do the introduction and then I’ll beat you telling the story I’m me introducing you as me
in our final Tale on
author music
hey wait sorry just before we do this can I give a shout out real quick I’ll shut up yeah I know I forgot that we had a fan that was going to come they they’re not from here and they’re going to come and see the show but they had a health incident that involved a believe a brain tumour which made them had to cancel their plans they wanted to be here and couldn’t so if you want to help out Mega news Italy was some real shit and not her friend Ruth you go to that gfm he’s used to MGH bja that’s a GoFundMe its g f. M e c u m g h b g a a sorry thank you so much I’m sorry I’m sorry but this is the worst worst waited so sorry sorry you couldn’t be here I’m sorry to do this to you and now back to the outro
sorry sorry everybody thank you so much I’m sorry I couldn’t make it
in our final tale we made a man involved in producing a pretty funny show author Dan Harmon shares with us horrifyingly enough about said show and it’s a story entitled why I’ll never go back to Rick and Morty
my name is David Cummings
I’m an actor primarily working in the Canadian area I don’t toot my own horn I like to have lots of sex with my big Canadian dick
I enjoy the company of the ladies and a nice six pack of Moosehead well do Mickey’s big mouth what what are we most Super Bowls in ice
but what I’ve always wanted to do was be a voice actor on an adult swim cartoon called Rick and Morty I never thought I could be a candidate for such a job little old me sitting in my Shack on the North Pole
but it’s healthy to fantasize and so I would pet My Husky
and look at my sled
while whittling
my kitchen Furniture
out of my grandmother’s snowshoes
which she donated to me after retiring from Vaudeville
Canadian Vaudeville
which I know I’m not going to tell you about that that’s a different story
so it was quite a surprise to me when my message on the local moose board
Scott responded to with a strange hand written scroll
I asked the bartender had anyone been a runed
I don’t know why it’s so why isn’t why am I allowed to I don’t know why am I abusive it doesn’t make no sense I give you a big dick remember
but I don’t think of you as if I’m thinking of me is the bad person that that’s my
the bartenders answer was even more
weird send my question
no wait no weirder it’s funny you should ask because no
when I got home to my answering machine I had the strangest message it said it was from an emmy-winning television producer
but I couldn’t tell if it was fake my friends like to play Canadian pranks
but it went like this
how’s it going there ain’t going to be on the old Rick and Morty there Jeezy so I backed up from the machine with horror if that message was from a producer of Rick and Morty why would he be coming over
and why would he be speaking like me
I ran to the front door and rubbed it with my hand on the cold window unsticking My Flesh from the from the Frozen pane of glass IP poked my eyes outside and saw anyways later I was
Pittsfield getting late. I found a plane ticket in a box with a thumb
I would have described it longer and more scary but that’s I got to get the bullet points cuz we got to we got to hit this site found a plane ticket in a box with a thumb there was a thumb there was a human thumb and a plane ticket
flying into the production office
I wonder to myself what should I do
I didn’t know what what I was about to see
when I got off the elevator
for children in clown makeup
with smiles wider than their faces that’s a big thing and that’s it like they always everyone’s got smiles
greeted me with macchiatos
yeah here that would have kind of show I couldn’t stand the feelings in my boots I wanted to run away but I also needed to be polite
that sounds good I said and they took me back to the video booths where what I saw will stay with me for the rest of my life 300 lb of human intestine of a board foot bone surgically altered all of its smiling with smiles and children bigger than the children’s Smiles lips curled in a surgical foot intestine with imported things and feels a little implication of the threat of right but not taking pleasure in it as riding see I do Vin because I felt pressured
and the microphone was turned on and I said I Am David Cummings hello I was there was no script I just said it
silence into the room
and all I heard over the speaker was
that’s good can we do another take
is it okay no that’s not a good idea okay
well no no no no I like that is my favorite kind of things that will always be the reason I will never forget what I was looking at the one thing that I can never explain no matter how hard I try the reason I am posting this to Reddit from an asylum
is because the engineer had a hat on with a maple leaf was like that was the one thing that will keep me up at night is that he knew my name and then there’s like a punchline text Rich that’s why I don’t really have a cat
everybody
vermilyea Avenue