Episode
Episode: 314 – You’re the Good Kind of Fat
Description
Comedian and fellow podcaster Pete Holmes joins Dan, Jeff and Spencer to answer: What Hurts Pete Holmes? Featuring Dan Harmon, Jeff Bryan Davis, Spencer Crittenden and Pete Holmes.
Transcript
what’s up Hayward theater
parmesan is now in session
are we going to Biggie for you a list of all the smallest of all because he’s lost
what’s the reason for the season let’s bring out your mayor Mr Dan Harmon
damn
hip to the hop hip to the rap hip-hop rap yo mr. blue jeans
thanks for coming oh yeah
thanks guys thanks never going to look at you never going to look at you
we can expect us tonight I can’t wait to see him again I mean I saw him I just saw him
Showbiz staying where you’re likely to appear on stage and I just talked to him but I haven’t seen him since I was on his podcast it was a delightful chat we’ll talk more about that later
I guess I’m not going to play No Man’s sky anymore
yay I’m back at the modded Minecraft and
and I I I I accidentally one click ordered a new gaming laptop and it runs great I love it I’m saying all these things of a lot of shame because I’m like I don’t know how happy I was I was in my car this morning and I was like I was going through the audio books and I was like I want to I want to listen to a book about what I’m going through is like what am I going to would your therapist coping with happiness
well so it was a big surprise that the big book selling Mark at those out there’s nothing there’s nothing hits that are like the advantage of happiness happiness is better than what you’re going through how cut how do I get happiness and all the stuff and I’m like well none of these things are really for me I did I did I did I did I got one that was like the Happiness Advantage because it’s like a if a if a guy’s talking about oh it’s good to be happy then that’s pretty close to saying oh you’re happy here’s how you deal with it
but it’s not cuz I owe to it like I stopped at Lee I paid 20 bucks for it and then the the guy was like I am going to tell you how to how happiness is better than you think everyone thinks that if you succeed then you’ll be happy first Mother’s not at all I don’t I don’t I don’t buy into that
it happens to be true in my case but I didn’t it say it was my path to happiness but I realize that that path is not so I succeeded so I’m happy and then it like all the happiness books are like
what’s with this success thing and I’m like well everything so I can’t hear the foot of that lately and then I think of it so it’s nothing like the guys like I’m going to tell you how it’s good to be happy chapter 1 I applied for Harvard on a dare and I’m like what the hell
that’s literally you have a book starts that’s that’s the only thing I have to talk about
I applied to Harvard on a deer how do you do you know people to be listening to your book
they paid $20 for it no one that went to Harvard under any circumstances I paid $20 for a book on happiness like most of the people had $40 and more like I’ll take half of this and I’m going to fucking let it roll like leg lives try it with something’s got to give like maybe the reason why this $40 in $80 because I haven’t spent $20 in Las Vegas Steve brought out all right I got one I got one you guys have been reeling about you know about this War on Christmas Day I know we talked about it a lot and I think last week or something I was talking about what what the Reese’s Cups has been doing the war on Christmas is these new holiday colored soda cans they got green ribbons on of the cokes they don’t taste right because they have a war on Christmas
oh they make them taste worse than normal Coke to make people hate Christmas and then they put a green ribbon on it
that’s all
okay who’s who’s troll are dropping oh no
oh boy the new thing what’s your what’s your name sir
I’m like Atticus Finch what who are you you’re better than this
I don’t like that kind of like the whole world has no 70s single bar but like we’re like a Laverne & Shirley on the table is it like like the singles scene would be like hey good looking what I was on a plane and three stars are dropping me cuz yeah you okay see you saw my phone and what’s it called
well I like the name is not a famous person’s iPhone
knife on a plane and someone can find your phone if my Bluetooth is on you can change your settings and you’re what you’re hearing or come up and go out with someone I want you to hear what you’re hearing now it is a picture of something like a photo I thought they were like going to play you some music or some shit I mean while I was in my house that would be a federal because it’s just a photo of me
when you’re at a show it’s it’s fun but this is exactly what rapist do
10 times before they
before they take it to the next level and it’s cuz it’s a photo of me and my driver’s license and somebody started sending me shit and it was like random shit and then I said I was sending him random should a projector gender onto a person who would fucking push their way into your phone
I feel like if I had to guess that it’s a good dude on the plane I don’t know if people like have liked photo Wars like in random places like do people do that just to random strangers do you guys like just send always in the Starbucks what are fifty of you so I wouldn’t make any sense thank you for the photo of me in an accident
it’s a habit cuz I didn’t want to commit like I
I should have saved it what is a good photo I look very handsome Hobbit texted me in like a couple months ago and is like these kids I met this Subway in these kids keep are dropping me these naked pictures I think they’re trying to get me in trouble with the police and I was like that sucks man I don’t know if they’re trying to call the police African American people looking horrible looks like do is daylight savings time like a slam on liberals did we vote against Daylight Savings Time sounds right I think this person is racist in the virgin of all I could tell from the thing and I just kept sending them just like pictures of Henry Winkler and stuff
so people can just send you photos to your phone that you want to be clear like just in case everybody’s like what are you you can easily you can make your settings so that you’re not available to any of that Michigan I think I have that setting on right now there’s a get off my lawn button so I’m not like mad I just changed the name of my phone to not a famous person’s iPhone
that’s how you found it
all right I’m not I don’t have and I have nothing to offer thank you for coming you have lots to offer you should be pumped it’s but Monday night
it’s it’s it’s the new Tuesday oh yeah amplify and double he’s performed at clubs in college is all across Utah
he he he may or may not have recently been me to tweet let’s find out I can’t keep up the set me three white male to be nice to read it. I think the third season of HBO’s crashing is coming out do you catch a real information dirty clean premieres Saturday December 15th on HBO in season 3 of crashing Returns on Sunday January 29th bring them out you know you like him
Pete Holmes
yep
I love that you’re the first guy to get me how do I break it don’t you don’t start a sing-song with me you Salty Dog by my you see be trained improvise and I will I will join you in any bit better house salacious no matter how do matter how ill-timed and boring because believe me if you really listen to the show you know like we could do 90 minutes of bad Musical harmontown
I wouldn’t start it that way but that’s the first rule of Improv
hurry up now let’s start
oh yeah
good day sir I haven’t seen you in the fortnite yes you have
phone number to buy spectacles
I didn’t recognize you without my spectacles
all right we haven’t either offer it doesn’t I know I know I know that was that wasn’t that’s not
sorry sorry
I I like both offerings I’ve never heard offerings we don’t we have both tell me when tell me when you please come into my office yes how many times have I told you not to argue with our customers
starfish showing you how you doing windmills
this is my area that’s where I keep the gum I would like two packs I know your usual
tidal wave
Kobe
thank you and bubble tape the funniest guy
one if you’re laughing your 30 the other we can all enjoy a human feces
I made them both
each of them has a story
however
each of them will frighten
I’m sorry each little piece of poop you gave me has a story yes and one of them scary both are scary
tidal wave story that wasn’t that’s where the party’s at really you’re you’re like
but you know what I think what they would like us to stop doing this and that’s the actual instant well that I thought maybe you would run across I tried to but then I I had my court issues so what if we did the show without Mike’s I like when things on podcast
there’s a moment yeah I heard you you associate distant sound with loudness if you guys are going to every of Mike you guys just do it put your mic down to one
I was just do
because he doesn’t know what that means Pete Pete you are a used to be trained improviser this guy doesn’t know shit he’s come on
do we do a area
yeah I’m just sitting like a radio scene know you walk around you want blocking the mics pick up that whole area
hamburger
no
you guys have to be loud because I marry on my finger right now
I’m so happy to see therapy is working Daniel
Daniel you always do this
target
I didn’t throw a football Daniel oh my God also for the people listening I keep doing a wedding
got that jokes I got to work with them
then the one that we started in okay and I’m talking to you now as my Farrah pist that’s right
when I was in the street when I went to do a store earlier are you the same character but you’re in a different place
unless you want to look I want you to take part in this too cuz I’m not also the guy that owns the store if it’s up to me which it shouldn’t be but my you’re not that you’re a different that’s why I I have a beard of bees
I hope you’re not allergic
we had this conversation when I agreed to go but did you know I also have pubes
and that’s how I got me three.
All right I got me 3 showing my bearded beebs pubes to you totally grounded like your actual speculation of in a world where they hashtag Me 3 existed it would it would be actually like what would what would the Me 3 movement be Miss yammy three I don’t like telling people call you know there’s number one like I go number one and that’s a pee pee right and then someone from Lithuania
and I know it’s a very different system and that’s all you’re going to do is party everyone knows this but then some people get cute with it and they say I just did a number 3 which means they did a poo poo and pee pee that was an emergency poop puke burps milk coming out of a booby that’s a number seven is it about my lactation cuz I told you not to bring that up if you push the button and then you pull the chain
chocolate choo choo train objection leading the witness milk lemonade so where is the where is your fudge Brown the back oh okay
does not drop the meter is going to be around the corner I say around the back really milk lemonade round the back and goes on my hip it’s round the back milk milk lemonade Browns the corner fudge is made is iambic pentameter
a civilized expression it’s a working-class biological education is the first draft by the way and what it what are you who are you anywhere I’m Smith
and well I’m your Pete and Pete Holmes wonderful episode glad you made it weird I told you backstage that my my therapist who is my audience doesn’t acknowledge like she’s she’s like she uses Family Guy references and then I’m like you know I have a cartoon that you could reference it and she’s like yeah
I’ve come to realize that she’s maybe not nagging me but like is like that she understands that if she ever did cry a threshold that it would that it would lower my opinion of her as far as a person who’s under my hood I see which makes sense to me because your big spiritual mental physical well-being is the best watch your show is crashing yeah I hope so and then it will what do you mean you hope so cuz you’re in therapy once a week and do you go in and go oh yeah I saw it
well I don’t want any spoilers for him I want to be free to talk about it that’s not real content that you create a therapy session therapist for me I’m looking for a surrogate dad’s so I want someone to say I’m very proud of you Peter you did a good job on the episode I just collect dabs
like I have a dab and he’s great but I could use some more
I no offense to my dad let’s get some more of that in here a little too much and my dad was you know my dad calls Judd Apatow Jeff Applebaum
how do you say which is fine I guess he doesn’t need to know what it is that I do but then I hire other men that are around his age Judd Apatow and your legs okay this is like oh yeah and then we hug and it cost $42,000
if you’re thinking about going to therapy go for it with my therapist at one point I remember her saying to me yeah I wanted to let you know that I was going on a road trip and I asked my friend to recommend some stuff to listen to I was driving for 5 hours and she gave me these this list of things and on it was you talking to her just like she was just like that to me actually that’s unhealthy or not I do you like the cheap as you give me more moms yeah I like like like like like don’t ever cross the threshold where your leg
I saw it I saw Community your brilliant yeah I don’t like it when my Gardener bitches too much and then they’re like okay interesting I love Community a little bit but now it’s really so you don’t want to be up on her but I don’t like it but I I can cuz I complain about it but then I think about it if she did and she was like I did it and I watch Rick and Morty down
let’s talk more about your feelings I think something would there going to be a membrane cross that would like I think I wouldn’t know you’d be her entertainment Santa Claus and you don’t want to break her heart by being like I jerked off to a photo of my grandfather
he doesn’t he want he wants to go to know it’s so nice to not have to pressure to be so fucking Mary mean
I’m just covel for a while it was it was more about like I actually have a diseased part of me that thinks about it’s the part of me that wants people to like me that that make me do things everybody like me and be like me and then you think about it like flip that piece lip that piece that idea of like oh that person likes me so I can put a pin in them and I think it focus on the world that doesn’t like me move on to the others who have a relationship with that concept making people like me an addiction to a horrible like I used to be worse about being a people-pleaser I think is that relate to that time
like my mother came over we just had a baby and the mom my mom the mom the mom character came over
she’s played by Irina home she fucken she’s perfect
she comes over and she goes we got you a we might get baby Lila we got her a book it’s an alphabet book but it’s cars and I’m like
play wow that sounds like fucking horseshit but bags and then she goes but we left it in a diner in Pasadena
could you go get it for us
do we have a one month old baby and I’ll just laugh in her face not in a mean way but in the nice way you can laugh at someone but it will say like fucking know that’s not a gift that’s an errand and I think there was a time free therapy before I knew what a boundary was for at no Mom you know we’re taking care of the baby do you like the book and you want me to like you but we’re not going to drive to and they made my brother do it I wonder how much that boundary comes out it seems like we want to make a generalization that is unfair to anyone out there that needs to be arrested but it seems like having kids tend to bring the best out of people I got those that’s why probably a lot of people have kids but shouldn’t because they’re like you know what I hate you
conscious Choice your kid is 2 months old 2-month closest astronaut we have to order it if we don’t have kids are you where I was in the people say it makes you understand your parents more no way it will make you you’ll call your mom so much I’m like straight Chris Rock about it I’m like yeah you did what you were supposed to do you had a baby fucking feed the baby maybe I’m in the minority or maybe you just are young and don’t give a fuck what I notice is nobody gives a shit about your baby
no one cares especially in LA or other baby people
go on why I tried to watch for she’s a girl has a baby the person of any such thing about how all people were babies are going to watch points do you think about body parts differently the other breast differently so I watch a lesbian scene of good latch
what does that mean when a baby is breastfeeding and gets a good hook up
but like pornography that pornography is weird because sex is to make a baby I’m not saying it can’t be for pleasure but the point of it evolutionarily is to make a baby but you never see that in pornography that’s weird but that would be a it’s a it’s a time-consuming fetish to cater to that’s right check out Rocco Siffredi and Tanya boobs a lot or a little adult I think that’s one of them not to be gross but I think that’s one of the reasons why the guy never start this gross you never finishes in right I think guys like that on a certain level you like this hot and very responsible
the same thing but I think it’s like psychologically men on a primal level you think of finishing in as crossing a threshold into connection and everything being exterior Comforts that I took a big stick the big celebration cuz it what it what is it what is what is really sexy about about the image you know everyone agree that it’s definitely something we project onto it’s not the the Bellagio like found it look pretty but like it started I think it like it’s it’s we celebrate it as like that and I didn’t clean my room I did the opposite yeah I know it’s rebellious
I just want to see that far go Blastoise team
that’s the only way I can come
he comes into a tiny capsule and it gets loaded into a rocket and she could never make use of it that would make men like really how I used to have a joke about it though it was it’s a weird that you never finish in the vagina and it with the point evolutionaries to make a baby that would be like inviting someone over to your house to make a cake you know how you want to do you want to make cake on Saturday that I have has made a cake I need to get you to come over and just take day you got a big bowl and you put milk and cream and eggs in the bowl and sugar and you whip it up on you like a real fucking cake can you preheat the oven but at the last second instead of putting it into having you just throw it in their face
does iPhone
don’t try to look at the camera and safe bangbros looking at camera Big Bang Bros Baking Addiction
and I think part of the perversion of the male mind is like and nobody’s being a dad today in the first time you do it some guys love it that you aren’t trying to have a baby do it in there he was at first it was a first for me when I was trying to get pregnant I was incredibly privileged like I’ve had like a string of Partners who are always like doing this extra shit for me that I don’t like it’s like like like the pill was like a big deal but it’s like birth control
Bojack Gad but like why not you know give it an assist you if you listen to them I listen to them so yeah but that is at late like you forget you have girlfriends that are like they explain their history with the the pill like absolutely confessional and be like there’s so much entitlement there late like I cuz of my history of like countering female partners and their their history involves them being totally used to like taking a pill but then oh yeah but then you like 99% of stand-up would be
it would be a good idea that is bull ship that we have to take the pill is like my dick head move to the left now used to go to the right I break out I I forgot to take it I panic for them sugar and I’m trying to do no sugar right now
no it’s fucking insane in my wife just had the baby and then she’s like we’re talking about birth control cuz you can get pregnant pretty much right away afterwards and she was like well I can either take the pill and and you have my hormones completely packed full potential or we could or we could become Amish another one comes I understand his mouth harp that a hillbilly is it going to rain in politically correct up there and put it in the pelvis and it works and medicine is like we don’t even know why do we know it’s shaped like the people got tired of
doodle the song you can play but my point is that there’s a player heart if there’s a pill then I give you a pill and you won’t turn into a zombie if it bites you right and then you go out to eat with a zombie and he’s going to bite you but you had a nice time we need to stop him from biting you what I’m saying is
the thing to take for the top take a finished I’m sorry you’re all grown up against a pill that the zombie bite won’t make you a zombie but why don’t you be like I don’t fucking bite me cuz we’re we’re having a great time to be fucking anyway you’re saying you are Partners to pull out and come on them we owe it to them
they should make the shipment little mini bedside what shippers they do
Pete Holmes.
The Dominator I’m just saying it isn’t that isn’t that much better just leave it in I don’t think so is no no no no no you didn’t let me finish my sentence know I had I have to say it it it it truly is a matter of laziness like I absolutely like like like met men would not pulling out all day long I’m using a lot of how I will speak for myself and Italy if if if Cody being on the pill was also really on the pill if she if she if she was like this and that effective and it would be helpful to the couple if you also pulled out then I would then I would pull out but I’ll use the excuse of its
and you’re like that means I should drink no one told you you you should but you’re like no one’s telling me I shouldn’t eat leaving it in is like that to me is like the line as it’s like if anyone asked me to I would I would call your lifestyle Golden Corral
if I should be on your business card be a Million Man March all right so you’ve been at your profession for has been 20 years in the Warrior you know doing stand-up you you you gracefully if not acrobatically plunged into the podcast medium you also survived than into into the streaming thing and you’re on prestigious pay cable what’s your secret what’s your secret would really be the only question what is your secret
anything to the audience with your legs I I want to do a New Yorker cartoon with two spiders and they were just in a circles with lots of legs coming out of them and the caption was a lift with your legs not the one part of you that’s not legs
that was my problem when I was a cartoon has every cartoon I handed them I would like that better than everything you run everything you run where you submitting a New York for time and you
I know I don’t have no I don’t nobody care if it’s like my baby nobody cares. This do the caption and I will see you there cuz I’m funny about it is they probably do I know the cartoon editor the old cartoon editor and he told me that for the caption contest it’s like 80% of the time they submit people submit what the caption what’s really there’s a correct people that got it right then they have to do the other one right now that will have three finalists and one of them is definitely the one that was right really but every cartoon as I’ve known that’s had it in there usually the winner is what they probably run this is a rebel or if anyone drops upper middle class
I’m ready to fucking blow your dick off dude remember Phil Ward Dan from a from La ComedySportz the New York we’re all hooked and Phil were there
bring a little Phil Ward and humor he’s probably listening now I feel bad, I know there was a like a pair of dice and the second panel was completely empty and the Ugly a title said idioms explained and it’s a dice
no dice
fucking I think that’s fucking beautiful I like it okay
I’ll tell you but you need to see how funny that you guys were not sure what number were they on on a dice you never played D&D bro
hey Spencer hey man how’s it going happy holidays and a happy happy holiday. Here’s your eggnog that you ordered do thanks and here’s a sandwich I brought you some figgy pudding because you kept saying bring me some figgy pudding not only did I bring you figgy pudding I brought you something even better, what’s that I brought you Charlotte’s webs CBD is getting popularity in the health and wellness world and it feels like everyone is talking about it I want to introduce you to Charlotte’s Web Spencer and some figgy pudding but whole plant hemp extract with CBD in the form of oils capsules and topical I’m going to answer your first question thank you is not intoxicating Spencer but it does have some pretty powerful benefits working with your body is existing endocannabinoid system oh wow you know your body had an endocannabinoid system yeah I did it’s inside of you that’s what endomines you know what I’ve heard is that people love Charles
Club oils and capsules because they support management of everyday stresses help and supporting restful site sleep cycles and maintain a sense of calm and focused even telling you that you seem to know more about this than I do that’s just what I’ve heard is the reasons why people love it by Jeff CBD is also known for helping athletes recover from exercise-induced inflammation that I did not know you putting in a pork shoulder to CBD might actually be beneficial oh yeah I found the customers trust Charlotte’s Web because they grow and hand-to-hand more than 250,000 hemp plants in the US there hippos responsibly Farm without any pesticides or herbicides are fungicides and you know that extract is filtered five times for quality and consistency I wouldn’t have known that unless you just told me you know that Charlotte’s Web hemp extract either in oils or capsules in a simple way to upgrade your day they also make a soothing balm and cream infused with CBD you might have some questions about handbags tract and how CB
he works research it on your own you might be surprised by what you find isn’t the holiday season about surprises I think it’s about looking in that stocking which is weird but what about you look in your sock and then some CBD oil for capsule would make a perfect stocking stuffer is one of these CW hemp products because they got a unique discount for their listeners to just jump over to CW hemp.com in after the code harmontown you get 10% off your price at least of your listeners again Spencer as well use barge in and say only that Spencer listening to get to get the discount this is just for me and my buds I mean who who do you really want CBD products from Spencer or me or Dan of Chris Spencer but no matter who you get them from you always have a 30-day risk-free guarantee so you have nothing to lose that c w hemp.com and enter code harmontown at checkout for 10% off your Charlotte’s Web hemp extract purchase some exclusions apply see website for details
keep us all on the up-and-up but these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration this product is not intended to diagnose treat cure or prevent any disease Christmas without broad spectrum extract
hey Jeff I’m feeling pretty sensual you want to kick off this catamaran and sail the Seas of Cancun okay as long as we don’t run it foul of a coral reef
I thought I thought I thought I’d throw to you wanted to play D&D with us that’s what you’d play if this is Broussard Kaplan who’s the Seinfeld writer great TV writer he it was a guy it’s so we’re not going to move your face and swirl Brandy
we have a walk-in fireplace I got there to laugh walk-in fireplace if you’re not sure if you don’t have a walk-in Fire book
and I like know it know it never Burns. That’s the point where bragging and it’s at a cocktail party so I knew skeleton skeleton holding a drink or anything it’s just standing like neutral and the guy is saying so Helen tells me you’re dead
that is as date 10 out of 10 that’s as good as it gets I love that my my favorite cartoon that I drew that they didn’t buy was an avocado that you have long eyelashes you could tell the lady avocado she was crying talk to a male avocado and she saying what do you mean I’m the good kind of fat they didn’t buy it that’s fantastic they didn’t buy the creative rage I still feel I’m mad at you too and I do I might I was born in Wisconsin and I’m I have dirt still in my pants from the farm and yet and I’m like I know a good New Yorker cartoon when that’s a good one good but the one that I bought there was a guy in therapy and he said I think I accidentally repressed my good memories
state agent how do you draw that Krista well it’s like you but a dog had like it’s a human no no no
fuck is that supposed to but the bottom part of you hear less sensitive about human body suit dog head and hold any saying well the paperwork is cleared and the down payment clear to the paperwork is filed as soon as you pay on the lawn the place is yours will always get in I appreciate it they were my best though they were the four that they bought
how what how do you break into that I love telling people that’s cuz it’s hilarious the cartoon meaning of forecasting how things I’m about to say we’ll go
I don’t think it’s like hahaha where is it seems like you’re going to go like the New Yorkers at Tuesday’s I think it’s 11 a.m. and anyone can go
that was hilarious meaning anyone listening anyone here go to the Conde Nast building go up to the counter with some cartoons and say I’m here for the cartoon meeting and I’m not as my little revenge for not buying the avocado cartoon what is the point of being the New Yorker here’s your New Yorker cartoon in the sub is line should say like built atop a mountain of poor people’s skulls of course beat out everyone else that wanted to poke it so you could go so the first week I think I submitted cartoons for sure that are good enough to be in the magazine I am sorry to say that but I like these are going to gold
but here’s the thing that was off my cat must’ve been really loud
Corral
set up
going to shift in status but continued
gained by throwing it out, I love you I mean it that you live life and you eat and you’re fat
Good Sam
is it good you’re the good kind of fat
15
spanking how this is not written up on split cider
I don’t know is there is there any room anymore for we could we ever make that bet is there any days that would actually like end up in anyone’s Apple news update with that with a headline that said Pete Holmes just this is epic and you’ll come your brain injury to your dick nose no guy does a thing that you don’t care about so don’t page for and it’s all part of its that’s why it’s called the paper and now everything is just like just like just
this just happened just I chat but you won’t believe epic just
put a lot of it is just like Tom Hanks is uncle just decided he’s a DJ
I found a couch on the bad example that is that is a headline that I would that’s perfect
what I was going to say all right but yeah you were interrupted interrupted Showbiz respective you could have the best cartoon in the world that a single panel cartoon perfectly drawn perfect caption funniest caption in the world you show it to anybody and not 10 out of 10 people are going to shut their pants laughing at this cartoon they won’t buy it the New Yorker has enough cartoons to never buy a cartoon again and they could run for 50 years shut up and just run their backlog wait so they don’t want cartoons they want cartoonist so I said I went in every day for 6 every week for 6 months that’s hundreds of cartoons before they bought one and that was even a jack Ziegler rest in peace one of the greats of the New Yorker put in a good word for me cuz I’m that kind of guy that will go up to somebody and be like
do in Toronto babe I’m a John Mulaney and I have a thousand questions I don’t know everyone’s always auditioning so their supply never runs out and they don’t have to pay for it that’s what you said they pay when they use them or they pay do they buy it and then they own it and then and for the most part they run them but like let’s say you’re and on salary cartoonist okay give me a 300 cartoons maybe 250 of them every year we’re getting fifty of your cartoons on the backlog and that’s been happening since like 1909 when the magazine.
when the New Yorker was like cartoons cuz you didn’t have to do like 5 I think it’s more of the salary guys that might get archived just redefined podcast this meeting that you’re describing you show up to the people that come in and trench coats would like these books and go like well here’s a guy fishing for shark but it’s like Wall Street in like right now you’re picturing it not entirely wrong actually there’s a lot of like Connecticut train weirdo
rain weirdos everywhere
the paint night did you ever want to be like a syndicated comic strip guy like he have a syndicated thing across like major papers across Yak improvised a three-panel comic strip okay where is it like a funny or is it a slice of life, but let’s get it let’s get a title the title is good and butter
good and butter and butter it’s because it’s a husband and what you can’t say the name of it and tell me what it means okay I didn’t I didn’t I was. I thought okay I didn’t mean to slap you away
oh no no no here’s the rules to this new improv game that I made that if anybody uses they owe me money that’s there millions of inventing freeze tag left to audience right by the time you run out of space you’re out of comic panel you get to do one line and then who is if there’s someone you’re talking to their you say in each to allow line and so it’s like hieroglyphics there’s no so I say like I got it hey I’m almost done with that lawnmower and then I would be like
well it took you all day to mow the damn grass and then you and then you’d like a line and then yeah that’s the tough part let’s Workshop that later but but that and then I’d go
listen I’ve been noticing that
you want me to work faster when I use your property
are you telling the truth
I am in the Trump Administration
I don’t know why you’re telling fertilize oh no no no it wasn’t good but I had a back-up plan like pulling out when you’re on the pill yeah that was a really good and butter but you can do some of my favorite ones do some of my classical and it depends on when you come out
we should we should get to the scripted part of the show is the secret to your success
is that your sponsor oh yeah we love the caramelized pearl onions with peas cabbage
did season 3 of Crash and go so much good because you like you and the way you like them like the way people order of Blue Apron will what we do on crashing as we write a script and then we wrap it
is it true they can get a discount if they use the code Pete Holmes. Blue Apron. Aren’t I don’t think that’ll do anything that sounds that sounds like a browser to Something Blue Apron eat your guilt about all that packaging away
feel free to edit that out I know what it’s like having sponsors do question I wanted to ask you because you just had a few years old you’re picturing it right to month old yeah they can’t but I assume I haven’t watched your show it sounds from the description that it’s probably every television show ever made in that it’s not you it’s is it you are doing stand-up and it’s it’s The Mindy Project but your white dude
I’m just making sure we please put that on the DVD box and he’s not a doctor or figure it out let me rephrase that like is your is your show about a single dude finding life and love in a coastal city or is it your new show about a dude is already married and in either case I have another question
yeah I was like disturbing how you kind of summarized all of TV just because the guy who was on me I was married when I was 28 my wife had an affair with small Italian man in Morocco
which is the name you said earlier and big boobs boobs or whatever like let’s go all the way back around the corner fudge is made by me three left you for a fellow named Rocco Yeah Yeah Yeahs Rocco nice guy actually I’m not I’m not just saying that it was a really sweet guy I really like a flashback to the portrait of you you know it’s funny a lot of TV and movies start with an affair are as our pilot has an affair but I mean you know we talked about Joey cams Joseph Campbell you need that inciting thing and in my case my life really had that thing I was in the shallow end of Comedy My Wife leaves everything that I knew fell away and then I was like sort of forced into the deep end and a conceited
they’re all these ob1 type characters like Artie Lange Bill Burr Sarah Silverman that sort of Shepherd me and teach me cuz I think it’s sweet a lot of people thought I was like a sweetie and they were like isn’t look at is Yoko and he and his religious and he’s any any sweeter than the scene we’re going to help him out that actually happens quite a bit and your partners with this person and now you’ve created a life as of two months ago my question it has to do with having a successful show that’s going to keep on running and now like as creators are big fantasy is like write what you know right what you know and the in the end then you create this thing and it’s like it’s about us and it’s about me and all this stuff and like my question is always how do you cope with that three seasons into it when your your now coming home to a California king size bed with a person who is like
what is the relationship between you and your partner with the show when the show is about you is it about it’s about you being single right the show the show is not about you being married the shows about you dating right Golden Corral I’m confirming that first and then my question is like does that does that cause it is it is it like like how does that work I think I hear you I think I hear you
my show my wife my new what my my new wife
but Valerie we’ve been married for almost a year now we’ve been together for over five six years and we have the baby and I’m currently making a show re-enacting my old marriage and then also with the girl the woman was one of our best friends as a couple Jamie Lee who plays My Girlfriend on the show is actually my ex-girlfriend so when we talked about how spectacular and loving Valerie is it’s not that I’m just like making believe of the past with actors I’m actually making believe of the past with my ex girlfriend so she’s tremendous she’s actually winning an Emmy this year
the supportive wife at me is that what you meant I kind of but I know I have eight more questions because I hate that you think that answer.
No because didn’t you act like you were clear on his question
I listen to people for a living and that was like a tour through a Walmart that’s sold words but there was an earthquake
I want to separate from my if I if I if I wanted to be like a thoughtful interview would be like I would have watched the show me what do I feel that way as a Creator who I assume like I said I looked like like you’re doing a show is the character named Pete yeah so is he a stand-up so that’s my question is like we all do that like we we we we tell it we just a jerk off to a grandpa that was him talk about this more is like
the more you drink the more you sound like Robert crumb
Sonics
general area I don’t have the smart question about it because I haven’t seen the show or
you’re doing great it is it’s that it’s that quick I just curious about your personal and if I’m crying then you just go don’t pry but having a partner in your life and you go like like I’ve known 50 Comics you like every so it’s like like my shows called Franklin and it what’s the show about well it’s about the fact that I’m Franklin and their name is Franklin and so grown up in the Bronx and being married to a lot of that is obviously based on the things you talked about or act and therefore now to that’s based on your life and my that’s my curiosity is these conversations that have to happen
when you come home from work or you want something together and challenges that your partner goes through where they’re like is that about me or is that about your cousin Amy or what’s going on is that real yeah correct
it was a yes or no question
all right
all right well I feel like I could answer in the style in which I was at
you know when you when you’re making a show like this but is often times out of biographical but not without its fiction you know you take deviations in two different roads and the roads become Avenue isn’t coming to become cul-de-sacs and send you back the way you can put one you’re looking over that hill and there’s somebody like your partner and they’re wondering is this like is this something we watch together is this something like The Sopranos where we cook a meal I need the meal and we watch it or is it more like a theme show or a barbecue kind of night off of nudity and if you why do you keep coming in this wood chipper
does the best impression of me is that first impression is that right how many send me a clip of someone with you it’s fine if it was doing an impression of me on this podcast I don’t think so I need I heart Family Guy where was it was very sweet actually it was somebody on a vegan cookie
I have a show on HBO
hey it’s me it’s me I’m Pete Holmes you don’t see anybody is a human that is brutally honest
the first time I met you I think Doug Loves Movies at the new CBA with me you and Bill Burr and I never met you
it’s my Bill Burr in Russian
so I don’t want you I don’t want any current movie If I might knowledge of movies like way old so I’m not going to be good at it and Doug is smoking weed in the back of course suspend your disbelief for that part and I sit down and I made I make Bill brother I’ll hit go at 8 so you and I ain’t never going to talk
hahaha that’s about right anything about completely dominated the whole thing I don’t want to get to the game I mean either yeah but you took me I didn’t have to play the game and my gift to the audience member with a flask full of really nice whiskey and that that was my offer to whoever voted for me at the end of the thing that’s why you were trying to get to keep the flat because while you were talking when I just open it up and drink the entire thing
her I remember that at I got a little drunk that show too
that’s what he said that’s what Joseph Campbell and call it for my Pete Holmes’s I don’t I don’t think you talk too much at all that’s kind of like what you were actually there is a deep personalizing element of you become like that Stevie me and this is Mimi similarly on Doug Loves movies that Doug Loves movies made we all have these different modes there’s like Thanksgiving you there’s a loan on the subway you there’s drunk at a party you and that maybe you’ll relate to that’s one of the reasons I don’t like going to parties and getting stoned or whatever is because I’m not that crazy about my personality by Gotye I love it don’t get me wrong but I’ll also come home and I’ll be like
I told you many stories like who you are right this is why I like to keep it at home doing a podcast for 4 million episodes we’ve told the same seven stories a hundred thousand times good to know when to fight we would have learned that a long time ago I keep telling the same side that we always forget right when we should do it right when we’re about to repeat the first story we forget though I understand that I do almost 400 episodes there’s a lot you could give me and you could give me feedback I do you go like he’s going to tell them
he is about to do that story from the podcast of you say that she’s going to say that but let’s let’s let’s let’s talk about that’s what it is that’s what you just said about the the party thing I go to go to a party and then you sit there and like who are you with you do you constantly wonder that and do quote-unquote normal people constantly wonder that I I keep playing a Hail Mary where I think I’m pretty sure quote-unquote normal people AKA the people listen to me although don’t be so sure I used to be exclusionary in my language and I was like comedians are like this or creative people are like that now I am sure most of these people here can relate to This Feeling by Justin
said that near high road and I’m listening clear
that is beautiful you can be unclear beautiful
no. Do you see be training
hey Spencer, do you live in the evening can I just set the stage for a listening right now and I are on a catamaran in Cancun right now are biondi’s brand underwear was comfortable underpants on the goddamn Planet you don’t have to wear them around to be comfortable but it doesn’t hurt it certainly helps they use micro modal fabric that’s three times softer than cotton would you like another mojito oh yeah fill me up baby top me off and send me to Dreamland so I’m fucking fancy but I haven’t in a style that perfectly suited for him and that special someone me men and women can each choose from four different cuts all of which are available from classic colors too adventurous to Prince I don’t have to answer cuz he knows cuz he sees them laying on the catamaran deck what pattern my underwear have it’s those great peace signs little dinosaurs on them
Jeff Scott little flames on his cuz he’s backing seriously seriously these fun Dundee’s would make a great stocking stuffers these in that same super soft plant yeah we were dancing on stage and I can’t do anything except drink hot chocolate and just enjoy myself I feel like an Underpants Gnomes in those make yourself at Underpants now in this Christmas season and go to me on these.com to get a 15% off your first pair you get free shipping a hundred percent satisfaction guarantee go to Mandy’s.com harmontown that’s me and he’s.com harmontown zip what’s that sound coming through Oceanfront catamaran is it a coral reef oh no baby we drowning did you bring the life vests who cares I’m so comfortable right now oh yeah let’s just
which is to say the bottom of the sea
the life of chosen just make sure to order by 12:16 for free shipping in time for Christmas
just hear those sleigh bells jingling ring changing hello but it’s got to be dangerous here from harmontown it’s Christmas time in the reason for the season is because of your teeth are all fucked up wait why do I become a country the fuck it I’m just going to continue to be a country during this ad about tooth brushing there’s a buzzy gift on everyone’s list this year and it’s called quit when you think of the perfect gift you probably don’t think of an electric toothbrush but that’s where you’re wrong you horrible. Assholes the quip electric toothbrush is one of the most gift guy that gets of the season and here is why it’s perfect for everybody with a mouth it has sensitive Sonic vibrations gentle enough on your sensitive gums and built-in timer with giden pulses to remind you when to switch sides because apparently you have the attention span of a mayfly makes holiday travel clean and easy with a multi-use cover that mounts to mirrors and unmount to slide over the bristles for the on-the-go brusher are you in on the go brush your teeth
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give me about how you look with me but your hands off of it because it looks like a big ticket tech gift with a stocking stuffer priced starting at $25 if you go to get quip.com harmontown right now you’ll get your first refill pack for free with a quip electric toothbrush but you don’t have to tell your gift tea that because you look like a cheap Epp that’s your first refill pack free at getquip.com harmontown and no I’m going to get country again all I want for Christmas is some clean front teeth some cleaning front teeth some really clean front teeth but I don’t know how to get some really clean front teeth because I have a bulshit toothbrush
ain’t nobody it. That was what I was trying to as I was going to say is that other lately but but but most people know who they are I don’t think so I think that there’s no they don’t or yes they know they don’t I wonder I have some friends when I’m just like know that guys just fucking like I said I didn’t know Sunday night sometimes it’s like oh that’s why Ted’s like shot that kid it just feels like they just kind of switch automatically where we got to go wait a second
going into a mall okay Mama got it other people just do it they’re like yeah I’m dead here we go to the mall sleepy Martin Starr chimes at
that’s very flattering one of the best I would say like homeless fat guy from Game of Thrones are homeless fat guy from Lost
I mean Martin Starr Jesus Christ handsome man to that like if you going okay I’m going into a Fourth of July party I got to do Fourth of July party Spencer that’s what I thought he was mentioning is that it’s like different people in different situations you know we can react differently depending on who are around dancing though underneath that we’re going but who my real right yeah. There are some people that are like America
that would like me
I think every double down like a calming influence right I don’t know I think I think every it keeps the braces out on the road who do you keep an extra eye on it keeps too many races from happening
if you a little bit racist ohmygod there are probably be there like being racist keeps too many races from happening all these seven times removed like this person that’s weird all I know is I wake up on a bed I don’t want to change then I go to work if anyone tries to change my bed
bucked up there like right we I we call him a ribosomes in biological brilliant I often think of people in terms of cells because we’re all just kind of doing what cells do anyway like I’m just like one of those loud cells is like floating around just fine
you think I am don’t you think on a playground without a Ted Beach answer yes I need a tab and then I blew my nose we would show up to the whatever you say that’s right
when did stop but yeah it’s go like which was your shoes I heard those shoes aren’t right yeah that sounds like if I can regulate I don’t know what they are dads are like we got a nose to make
time to wake up make that bed or mitigators their function what one part of it is to teach kids to dream bigger and one part is to dream small a natural anger their natural like desire to eat the fathers of the tribe and two directed outward yeah what you do with like Star Wars movies and you go are you turning 13 you thinking that maybe if you cut my head off you could be in charge of everything what a crazy feeling yeah
learned is that Darth Vader lives in a spaceship he’ll help me make these weapons yeah that that’s a big part of Mythology in a tribal level is like directing anger outward like get it get this radiation out of the power so it doesn’t melt down and then the but then the other totally contradictory part is you’re trying to actually make people proud of themselves you trying to tell people don’t let the shielding around this nuclear power plant closed Us in and encouraging radiation while trying to figure out how to get it out into the world a healthy steam release scholar who’s talking about there’s all these like teen suicides and he’s like what people need to realize this and said like walking on a bridge and jumping off I need to be like what part of them needs to die that they might continue to the other side
otherwise they wouldn’t well that’s that’s what is mythology addresses youth angst and rage and anger thing is going to die and I was going to be killed by you that’s what all young yeah there’s another part of you that goes forward and that’s missing specially from American stories if sometimes were missing that second part if you create a societal mechanism that says the kid you’re either going to be a doctor or a lawyer or a thief and they don’t want to be any of the three they’re going to your going to have a higher suicide rate then if you say to a kid here are some things that people have been doctors and lawyers and feed however I also you could be a wizard and part of you to be a wizard or a wizard or a Skywalker if he’s bi or in nioh
all right you guys getting these references
can you choose to be in the other doesn’t. Kind of get with thrust upon you was Ne-Yo really the one Google at what is that I never click on it like the Reddit thing where I like how Red Bank was it yeah I totally accept that maybe he isn’t but you see there is a second layer to The Matrix that’s designed for you to think you’ve escaped from The Matrix and think that you’re the one and saving the day but that’s just part of the Matrix know because there’s so many more major series that are more interesting than the Matrix all right and that sounds like one of those what will he use his powers presumably once when he’s technically out of the Matrix and people are like and then that conspiracy theory I think that’s where that whole concept answer that question the Sun
the ends with why does he have powers in the in the real world and then the third one when he just does right and that is the most disappointing I wrote my I don’t write fanfiction but I had to say I had this whole ending rights fanfiction
I get the simpler Life by candlelight
but I have this whole thing where it like I wanted I wanted me all to be fighting agent Smith who they say is actually the one right to unplug himself like that’s enlightening no no no I wanted me all to be added and it is inescapable position where he needs to save Trinity or whoever what is blocked in and he can’t get out so he realizes that he’s just in the simulation and Neo in the real world unplug them self plugs out back in in the new place and save the day that seems like a good model of Enlightenment there always is in the first movie in the third movie 00 the third movie that went from the marsh to the parking lot of a I watch all three of them and I was like on the third one of my stuff
I honestly like I remember like it was like awesome cool this can’t be what it was we have to have been missing something what is Agent Smith is the one then it’s great but that’s where all this stuff comes from it’s like truly it all grows out of the ending being unsatisfied I say this was a lot of love it it feels like some Pastor is trying to like breathe life into the Old Testament reminds me of not to get political but the smile boy favorites mocking tweet it means that it was radioactive I am like did the president say smocking out to me and then I was like I’m not on Twitter I’m going to go on Twitter cuz I want
find I want to find the guy with the most followers who tried to make hay out of the sunshine guy who was like hey he’s mocking you for believing in needing a Smoking Gun like hello I love that it’s it’s it’s the human straight at the Apologetics thank you
hello Democrats he’s mocking you
the joke’s on you it’s it’s not a story about targeted voting systems combined with smartphones resulting in half a literate president
it’s at that’s not what this is about
he’s mocking you
it’s all a code I like that I like it when people are like I genuinely not ironically like it when people are like so into something that they’re like that for something ironic or being nosy about your ex are lying to themselves and I am not even joking a breakdown of you found a way Star Wars matters enough to you and I was like I’m not that all in one should you get one trimester Lucas
I got I got fired from a Community season 4 and then I last time I ever Googled myself was like I can’t wait to see how these people like they are going to miss me and I like Googled my name like Dan Harmon season for a community and it was like Community just got better but it was worse than that it was like not that satisfying it was more relativistic it was like welcome to the fact that everything you ever held valuable was a lie because it was like oh I’m fishing for this Marlin and what you catch isn’t the opposite of a Marlin What You Catches a Marlin boo let you check it was just like people going like hey let’s give it a chance at least that fucking piece of shit is gone
and maybe maybe the season sucks but doesn’t all TV suck and was season 3 even that good that I didn’t want it burnt I’d like to talk to you via mean you’re that’s your privilege you can call it just regular water but it burns me check your non devil privilege man
what it what would hurt you or like like like
honey segment harmontown, what hurts Pete home are you are you happy Pete Holmes are you coping with happiness or are you are you living in Terror of shut your fucking phone off are you living in Terror of are you are you addicted to worrying are you
just happy I go through Peaks and valleys just like everybody I thought I would say I’m content that I can find I’m happy to report that I can find a way I found a way that even when I am depressed there’s a part of me that can sort of embrace the snowed in cozy quality of a sad. If that makes sense can we try like a simulation I’m going to try to see okay for I’m going to be HBO I’m going to call you all right
hello p o h b o
Michael we got Jamie
leopard we got Liz bomb and got laptop lap
marketing we got Toby we got Jim has even got time now
hi everyone okay going left from right the pronouns are she she they he she he said she said whatever you want. I’m not limping that and that’s not fair what is the bed over
sorry I was I was just wondering if
okay
okay so listen live
I was just telling Damien from Mark and I’m like I was just at the farmers market and like trying to buy peaches in the guy won’t stop talking about Pete Hall she’s like, I’m like can I get this beach and it’s like is this what did you say Pete
Farmers Farmers marketing department
oh sorry this is Tom I got to cut out for what meeting turn on Pandora
repeat Pete are you there
so we want to tell you we just got off the phone with everybody and Aunt Bee on universal we just want more cramping but the character of Pete like I don’t want to talk I never talk about anything I never say anything I just go with whatever you want as having lunch with Shawna yesterday and they said I said I love I love crashing it’s like someone put the alphabet in a hose
are you ready to do season 4 are you going to tell me it’s not happening and then I’m supposed to be exact time that just died in a car crash
Tottenham
now I can’t remember what I was there was a thing
there is something behind my bed that was a
I want I wanted to actually like
I wanted to
I can’t remember what the actual thing about him dying makes me sad yet there’s a part of me that is appreciating just what it’s like to sometimes be sad
no I think it was just like a circus like I know this is exaggerated
it’s Bo we fell back into the bed
Wheelock Peter you there. It’s me Marsha I own everything. Are you there
all right but my question is like what if they is there something he’s protecting my happiness I’m saying could anything rattle you could anything make you upset no yeah I get rattled for sure will then what then what do you do
I mean it sounds live but I really do try to enjoy everything sometimes I say to Valerie like I’m just being angry for fun like I like I want to let her know that I haven’t liked lost control or something but it’s fun to like Ranter talk about it you didn’t get what you wanted or how sad you are help hurt you are with somebody oh you you know I was like but drama but I do try to look at it like a character I’m like look at fucking Pete doing is Pete thing I want you wandering people ever get out of this Joseph Campbell talks about that he talks about like the idea of having one foot in and one foot out it is a very spiritual idea meaning it shows up in all of the myths clown your leg Lego look at me like like you know some of this is addressed in my special dirty clean what year is this
but I think you I do think we all relate to the idea of like kind of being behind our eyeballs like being Consciousness and we know that but then this Consciousness is sort of stocking in these molecules stack in the shape of a human body everybody’s always looking at you and going on
and and you sort of like you know this is an Alan Watts line he’s like you’re behind your eyeballs and the rest just dangles goes down here and like this is a Pete Holmes line and you go like I want that Diet Coke send the arm and you like send or give it to us and you drink it so you are it’s not really that woo-woo or strange to say you are a Consciousness I don’t think that is a deeply religious or mystical idea what if what if I was God what if what if
let me finish
what if everyone else was also God wink wink I get it we’re both God that damn that’s Enlightenment that’s what I ordered know I do it in bursts I want a guy on the 10 today cut me off and he did it in such a dick with a blue Honda right but that’s what I did I would also have his windows are down and he really almost hit me up and it was unnecessary and he’s got in front of me and I didn’t honk cuz I’m like I’m trying to build a narrative one of my hate is a lack of imagination so I want to hate this guy so it’s not like a person
beautiful you haven’t bothered to think yet about how to not to do it I think he’ll is a lack of imagine it’s finished and that’s also that’s my little addition to it being hard to go that he’s just playing his part Free Will is an illusion world is operating in this system of synapse in which is
one thing thing itself and there’s that thing there’s that part and now I’m interacting with it and how I react as is my choice or the illusion of my choice it’s up to you so I didn’t react but then someone did exactly the him what he just did to me they cut him off in the exact same way to him are you to him.
MP God Is Watching blue car God and that person I’m actually watching they’re not doing it super aggressively they seem to be doing it more out of need blue car God actually speeds up trying to make a collision looks like and then get changes Lanes with his windows down and is honking at the person trying to get their attention to yell at them like I thought you fuck your fucking and now I’m trying to box him in because I don’t like blue pill got any more that’s all outraged where is Grace that I showed him he didn’t have for someone who just did what he did and what I mean what are we going to do some gods are assholes
two legs and spot you have to not only it’s not about like it’s not like stacking sandbags those will be overcome by the flood you have to actually arrive at a version of this that has proved against Infinity the brain wants a click moment late like Lego pieces of rationale my ego wants a story that goes well he probably late to something and therefore it’s justifiable in this like when an American Driving etiquette standard answer is Way Beyond your reason and it’s beyond your rat is transfixed it’s not even a thought it’s trans rational which is one of my favorite words in the world
it’s not rational at all it doesn’t require any effort one of the reasons why people are more loving is because it takes all this effort we have to like rational but you can actually opt out of the whole game and just go like it doesn’t matter who my favorite you talk about them my favorite Zen thing is what in this moment is lacking so I’m telling myself this story about what’s fair and was unfair and who’s in a soul and how he should have learned by how I was nice to him he should be nice to somebody else when really all of that’s over it should become a story that my brain is telling me that’s causing me suffering when if I can just do nothing nothing but surrendering just go and yet
here we are nothing’s wrong in this moment nothing’s wrong your brain is just telling you stories that create yourself what are you thinking is about us that makes us then it is because that seems so perfectly logical and would make us all live longer right why are we were addicted to it because the individual primate or dopamine from alarm in the immediate sense right behind eyes and lows
this is Ron. He talked about the Dark Night of the soul is really when you realize that you’re going to lose the highs and the lows of being a part of a human drama she said so you meant like I’m like look I I had a major corporation accuse me of pedophilia they investigated me I I’m like I’m done like I’ve I’ve gone through all these things I quit my Twitter account for the last year if I throw these things and I are the story with her and she goes so you’re happy now and I go and she’s like what what you’re going to walk around for the next five years and she characterized it as this thing that I keep thinking of she goes it when you get up from a bar and you’re you’re like where’s my phone where are my keys that that’s your relationship with comfort and happiness that the human the human and
as a primate who survived this long all of our all of our DNA is the reason we’re here no matter how shall we are we owe our fucking lion that was like that was like
you’re fucking a right
now you’re actually dead men tell no Tales so every fucking chill squirrel and every fucking like she was like I specially us lately and Youth Ranch cling tight scream at the top of your lung right there is a Leopard coming and if you scream loud enough at the right time you will get laid and if you’re wrong if you can convince someone to leopard was coming you’ll still get laid eggs it that that we invented like an alarm because because of a beautiful thing about our species but a beautiful thing. Just we don’t want no fucking trouble we don’t like that is but the one that could imagine trouble and then prepare for it it’s a problem is you know the bell curve you want to
just enough he’s like paranoid people are right
but that’s what he said he’s like you’re absolutely right to be paranoid you and this is his language I hope you’re not offended by it he goes you just don’t want to be at the bitch that’s what he says that’s the difference he’s like all of those things that you’re worried about could happen but one of the things about being human is is learning how to like reconcile with that reality and live concurrently we we wake up every morning we turn our phones we have this app in the app says everything that happened every fucking human being across the planet everybody so this is how many 19 year old black man got shot by police and they didn’t deserve it and all these things happen so you get this fire hose to the face and tall is Hugo Hugo wait so I’m supposed to do what and I’m so late like an end you get bifurcated it every instance like you’re you’re
your ego which should come out of bed fully baked like Rising like a beautiful souffle I don’t know anything about cooking this metaphors bad for breakfast ended at this hour you wake up in the morning and you pull out your phone and your phone is so and I’m not saying it’s a bad thing cuz it we don’t want to be with your phone is now giving you this information that that you didn’t get when you were a fucking regular ass Prime which is like somewhere right now someone is they just found their children’s bones under a dog house and the and the justice department says they should go fuck themselves you have no like Prince Guatemala like like like like had to leave his Palace like like they can go
that guy over there than the other like he’s got the flu and he’s like well then I’m going to be a religion and I get great like I guess Hip Hop was easier back then to like
play every thirteen-year-old now that can read the first thing they read is is is actual misery is happening I don’t know what I’m going to do in season four of you know your feed might be misery but the truth is we could also just be reading entertainment news we could just be doing Sudoku we could just be reading fiction it doesn’t have to be I’m just saying I think what’s going on is that you can choose a name and maybe you know it’s good to know what’s going on the world for sure I think would have been perverted is our our we’re addicted to thinking we love thinking and we think thinking about things is important in their absolute I think the brain is taking over our being the human brain is a terminal like you servants become the master
trailer feels good knowing nothing no no no no all information about human misery and pleasure into our brain we will overload choose to focus on the misery and we will choose to figure out how to react to it the best way we can is children which is we will swing our toy fire truck at it will be like then fuck you like we we don’t know what else to do for children as a species species should be expected to deal with all that information I agree I actually I would argue that it is certainly partly a bad thing you know it’s hard to talk about because I can’t represent everybody in the room and I know a lot of people would say that you need to know what’s going on I-10
opt out of his much of it as I can all I know is that opting out has led toward my happiness but I’m not so naive as to think that that means that everybody should opt out that’s all I know right now is a 45 year old man that I I was making myself and other people miserable and that I deleted my Twitter in my Facebook and then I got happier but I I absolutely keep in mind the fact that this is not that that’s not the third Act of a story about being being happy with it might be the First Act of a story about taking responsibility I don’t know what this point I’m trying to make because we all have social responsibility and we do want to know about young black men being shot which was yesterday but it’s the new Marmaduke
I Pete Holmes you not endorse that jokes
but what I’m trying to say is take the misery addiction out which it can be you’re going to report most people are going to replace it with something else and what I’m arguing for what brings me a lot of contentment not necessarily happiness but a lot of contentment a lot of equanimity is practicing being and we’re getting robbed of that whether it is from just doing crosswords or read entertainment news and not any of the serious stuff or any fucking bullshit or watching mine with endless television this is just feeding your ego beating you with anxiety and stress because I think we have an ego addiction as well we want to know who we are and we can help oh I disagree with you is why racism is so popular is why transphobia so popular with my massaging so popular because we’re feeding just at you’re going to hang out who you are but not but not his articles that say Hey this transgender bathroom fucking thing happened you’re going to click that faster than his like fears everything you’ve ever had not wanted to know about blue whale
Blakely that’s what I’m saying you’re going to rush your ego get the right thing going here like it’s it’s it’s tribalism it’s it’s a it’s a lot it gives a good feeling of identity even the rage you go what I fucking bullshit but when I said earlier it seems like we’re so far away from it What In This Moment is lacking and I felt like we shared a nice moment of like here we are
that’s what’s missing from Equanimity peace and contentment and joy and Blythe has very little to do with my fucking phone which I don’t turn on until after breakfast I’m like I’m having these crazy dreams lately because I’m spending way more time on my screen than I ever have been this fucking me after it like during the night and having like Terrible’s like weird dreams like going on stage and doing, do you know when I called looking at Instagram before I go to bed but casting my dreams
fucking bullshit do you realize how every primitive culture at what value they put on your dreams and what a glimpse into your subconscious Leah and meaning they were and now I’m dreaming about fucking and episode 24 we can you imagine she is of course it look at it if it’s not your friend I’m sorry I took over my present that’s right I’m walking outside
second grade being in a room full of people and like getting the responsive talking and laughter or the Silence of thoughts and stuff like that like that that’s the most pure thing of my day and then you walk up stairs and you want to come that’s right we’ve figured out at least a lot of us have to do that a lot of food is made by corporations that don’t care about you. Just want to make you addicted to food that seemed like be something right around supersize me where they just want to make you want more of it so you just buy more of it is just capitalism right we’re starting to figure out the same thing about your phone that the color is on your phone trigger things in your brain that make you like seriously addicted to you because those were colors that were ripped doesn’t belong in that way and fucking Snapchat it’s making something happen in your brain that was designed to keep you alive and it’s the
manipulation of that in the same way that MSG is addictive is sugar is that they could be scholars in these lights I mean the Advent of smartphones and everyone being connected the dropping of Shame Val’s the idea that you could be an Iowa and talking to somebody someone in Wyoming means. Like trans people gay p no it’s right that you nerds like who can Propel Marvel Empires 2 Empire status like everyone that can suddenly just go like hey Buck 150 jagoffs at my accounting company think I live in the real world which is on my phone which is the more real than I understand which says that actually I think Robert Downey Junior’s a great choice for Tony Stark and I fucking sign off and then and then upload it and you feel Vindicated and Billy Elliot in your pocket
Savages like also across town in the basement all the Nazis going like I’m not the only 38 year old virgin swipe right for hating Jews hating Jews to and everyone the sheen barrier drops and you got a bunch of human brains going like I’m not right but but I I said I would are you can do all of that with your phone on grayscale though accessibility and you can make it a triple click shortcut if you want to use your map or something that you think requires color I have a lot of people to get off your phone and call her is a huge one it does drain your battery a little bit to keep tips do you have a full color page explain how I feel like the reason I’m into Pete tips
it’s not because I’m an enlightened it’s because I actually like I feel beaten and like I’m I’m like I feel like the onion Knight in Game of Thrones like I’m like he cut my fingers off I’m cool like like like that and so I want I feel pity for the average nineteen-year-old out there is like these old Enlighten people telling me turn on grayscale that do that later dude I did that when I was before you can be nobody around. So I got robbed a part of the Borg Cube that be like me from the beginning I was in my day’s been playing for 12 hours a day that’s leaving the village
come back to the Village isn’t a flaw it’s what makes that’s what gives life apart do you have to have that you have to have your fuck up. I’m grateful for it I don’t know if I’m going to I don’t that’s the biggest thing about me when I think about having kids on my I don’t know because I wouldn’t know when to let the kids start touching a fucking black mirror me watching Black Mirror like when do you cuz I go out with friends and they’re like there are good parents and bad parents none of my business like I was like like there is some people they just go that they’re kids sitting there and they’re like I’ll have the The Omelette and their kids like
and some of the parents don’t like you’re being a little piece of shit and you need to fucking chill out cuz we’re bringing we’re at like like I have always anxiety cuz my mom would be like you don’t talk like that in Target in like in this new store Target be well-behaved what does it make me a misogynist does it mean who knows like you can hand the kid a fucking black tablet and go like what’s your fucking Peppa Pig I want parents feel like the kids like chew years old with her grubby greasy disgusting little fucking Grand fingers they got like the Rings aren’t formed it’s an Abomination to me like I watch with my other eye a girl I can you totally have kids I’m sorry
I’m enjoying this conversation about the weather the house won the election but I couldn’t help but notice that you’re disgusting larva child
is in spite of having no linguistic or mode motility finger is like fucking like know how to Tap & swipe I like like you have you seen this like the parents are like they go like no Danny no knows how to swipe and tap and turn the volume back up and the parents are like what did I fucking tell you
I give you the iPad the point I told you to watch it on mute and the kids are language Arabic talking like the cuts could come in and go like you can’t talk to a baby like that and they’re like well I’m just trying to I don’t know how to airplay like more than adults do you two haven’t seen that yeah I’m doing that like babies but my my girlfriend’s sister it’s like she’s one of those limited screen time you don’t what are you going to do you have a 2 month old cat what are you going to do I’m not an authority to play it by ear you fucking cock sucker
you’re going to raise a serial killer really really strong sense that the child will not look at a screen I’ve heard 6 until they’re after 6 or whatever I’d like to see if we can go longer maybe 20-25 they would vote hahaha cliffhanger
alright thank you so much everybody Hurts
that was only two
are you please give it up all the way for Pete home
are you very much
you can check them out on you made it weird the dirty Queen premieres on HBO Saturday December 15th at season 3 of crashing return Sunday January 20th is that correct
that is right Pete motherfuking home is everybody hates you
take me to Zack Zack has told me a lot of the beat that you hear that we play on the show that he would play priests Dreams by Banco Paradox by parallel go by their record they’re awesome and the prison a guy named Cameron Drake from NYC you gave me such an awesome book called I was room here and a beautiful DVDs thank you everybody here is Dynasty typewriter
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