Episode
Episode: 35 – Harmoncountry: Chicago, IL
Description
Mayor Harmon starts Atoning With The Father when he presents a day in his fantasy TV writer life, confronts a drunk Darth Vader, then adopts a 15 year old version of himself. The night ends with an impromptu rap battle before new Harmenian Kahleel takes the throne.
Transcript
do you like comedy podcast I do and that’s why I have one with you I’m Dave Ross and we have a suicide buddies on Star Burns audio with mental health podcast it’s about depression it’s about suicide it’s also about history and it’s also about having fun in Austin other people cuz we’ve dealt with that stuff so we joke around about a try to bring some light to the subject or a French serial killer who committed suicide in 1910 serial killers said buddies on Star Burns audio you can find it wherever you get your podcast Stitcher Spotify iTunes wherever I but I love you bye
hey everybody I’m Kyler’s on the host of never seen it where I have people rewrite famous movies and television shows they’ve never seen a very special episode coming up Lawrence of Arabia was Rewritten by Dan Harmon that’s a real barn burner
so please check it out whenever you listen to podcast
how much is cago how are you
Chicago
oh
theater Town finally my people
but all those other cities so tired of Faking It Jeff
cuz we’re in Texas safe to say cuz though they won’t hear us anymore
what does people you know pretending to be happy and so is the only reason we came out
yeah up yours New York
are cats dumb
especially Brooklyn what an onion head poop burrow anyways
in the crowd are improvisers or have improvised
well get out your notepads because historically for the very first time tonight to harmontown will be 100% pulled out of my ass
I am tired I’m tired of the countless rehearsals I’m tired of of the effort I’m tired of going over this shit with people but I make him a hearse and rehearse the show you can just say it we found out last night that was Gary Busey
if you if you sell it someone in Bloomington Indiana like called out like I said for the third time I cuz I want to do you you end up talking about her post if you make the mistake Chicago you know what I’m talking about the first level workshops this is taught in if you make the mistake of ending with pussy and your first line where you going to go and I was lamenting that on stage and that someone in Bloomington Indiana call Dad Gary Busey
Anna and Ina end of the show and I took him in the green room and I said I don’t know what the fuck you’re trying to pull but if you ever want me or Rob Schneider to ever come here again you take your fucking snotty little Midwestern bulshit back to the Midwest I’m going to Chicago which is also in the Midwest
but it’s like a new Yorkie kind of city where they invented improv and if I want to hear what rhymes with pussy I’ll find out at Second City you little piece of shit you little fuck Todd Jacobson
age 19 whose address is 4328 I’m reading this off of a piece of paper for you and podcastle and Wilshire Boulevard doesn’t matter. Let’s let’s let’s let’s start over invented wind
so you know it doesn’t it doesn’t really have any effect on us we’re indoors they the typewriter was invented here or George Washington died here Illinois the 50th state to leave the union in the pre-civil war there was that there was a lot of people because they were they there was a pre Civil War where the north Norse and the north-south fought to see who would attack the South First did you know that I knew that obviously they’re they’re not they’re they’re staring at me like I’m some kind of fat idiot who got fired from his own show I came to Chicago to try to get people to make him sign stuff so I can feel better I haven’t got two new shows that you’re in the works know I don’t call you have a show in the fox show
I kind of to Giant corporations into giving me a great deal of money
they love corporations I want it I want it Bob Greenblatt to know I was employable I’m sure he really keeps himself up at night going and I hope I can prove him wrong by firing him and then I wanted him to read in the press that I could work for two networks at once and I came out here
and even shirking responsibility as you turned into CVS thing would you have not turned in the fox thing right I have not when was that due
Decemberists
but you know in my defense like what I do isn’t really a schedule a bowl thing
you don’t you don’t you don’t go up to a plumber and say unclog my toilet
because it’s a lie can you send that. My my basement is flooded he tells you I’ll be there between 10 and 9, all right so I’m like a plumber that doesn’t come
a bright but I unclog a toilet Jeff I unclog America’s lack of entertainment and that’s worth waiting a couple extra months
thank you Chicago I knew you’d get me
Bella said that bus bus shows in a magical perfect Universe ucbi show your Fox your bus get picked up that’s not going to happen weird peppermint world
where are gumdrops Irving shoes
what what what happens there a deer lick my balls and the salt makes him strong and he gets accepted by his dear friend I don’t even know why are you saying what you’re saying I can’t believe you’re wasting this good stuff in that you haven’t turned in your script yet what do you want now you’re forced to be a guy that that you can’t do both but I said that you could get you what you were at the show writer and creator of both a CBS multi-camera show in a fox single-camera show which would you get fired off of one or more of them
I went well may I hope this supposition was that I wouldn’t get fired from any of them because remember a seven Adult Swim show coming in 2014 so then
the hope is that by diversifying my asshole folio that that I would now and create a situated and possibly psychotic a little man sounion and perhaps a little correction and with just a pinch of Busey I think as far as I can tell in my crazy brain the reason I keep getting fired is because I have too much time to focus on the job and I keep you know going like yeah but I could be a really really really good show and then after a while it gets very annoying to people around me you know I don’t like like like you’re saying bye-bye scattering or your focus this much I wake up Monday 9 a.m.
I wake up
all right so I’m going to take the my cat so I can move around at 6
it’s 9 a.m. what time did I go to bed last night on this clock but I’m holding up is that I’d love to my girlfriend who says I’m able to maintain a relationship with while running three shows because I am able to get an erection because none of these three networks are run by a Bob Greene.
so my dick gets hard mysteriously I don’t know where I’ll just be sitting around and my dick will get hard and I have blood is allowed to go into the little valves
time to go to work in my in my giant car with a cow catcher on the front I don’t know what
got diamonds on a saying in the
printer in your car
its 2014 you have three new messages in your Scott car sorry sorry program to make you feel better about yourself by stumbling over words that’ll do amazing car let’s hear those three messages while I drive to my first the first job today at 8:30 a.m. hey Dan it’s your it’s your masseuse just wanted to let you know man
dude it was so relaxing massaging you
847 7 a.m. Hey Dad it’s the CVS is calling you let you know great job great job in his crib great idea with the dog all right so certain messages for my girlfriend she’ll understand I was work comes first alright
here am I I’m here at CVS for my first day of work we brought it into the writers room and it’s working for us now and actually we won an Emmy
we just melted onto a piece of paper and let it dry and it was amazing to sweeten the last a little bit what’s going on Jerry Fox nuts my my showrunner because I’m just the Creator I just fucking hang out and I’m create
what if Douglas
balloon over my head that sounds like a really shity idea I’d kill myself before I watch that
2nd topple over my head you keep getting fired
stop it stop it
Gary you’re promoted
want to take a quick nap in my office
Dubois
open the window in my office climb out
Natalie a car pulling up to your predetermined just came through to take me to Fox Now.
okay play that third message I heard play turd massage
that’s the most
I want to be all that right
third message page Erin mcgathy I published another random collection of your babblings and it made a million dollars
Fox Studios
hear the news Golden Globe
yeah I was just over at my CVS job
you’re making art over here right
because only 17 million people are watching so what what are you got idea that’s what address differently
because she’s allergic to squid that then he would he would say but then he’d stop cuz I remember that David character and he would look at the camera and he’d go what am I what am I doing good from CVS
that’s great it’s a little matter it’s still Fox it’s got an edge I like it I’m going to go take a nap
he said he was checking out but I knew he was taking a nap
Jesse just go in there and punch up the script
Natalie bring the cow catcher mobile around take me to Adult Swim
I’m an Eskimo Mister Hoffman just checking
just checking and clarify you sounded a little Sky Cappy there in the blubber thank you cuz I’m going to swim where 30 people are going to watch but it’s all about fucking excitement
where are your friends now
what do you got for me
take it easy on the boat with freaking out Across The Trestle got to still be fucking cheese please give me in trouble every time I’m freaking out. I’m freaking out hey you got a phone call from the president of Adult Swim hey man I just want to let you know I don’t give a shit nobody’s watching I don’t give a fuck I’m fucking I’m high I got a I got a fucking pickle in my ear got an antenna out of my head I’m in Atlanta account I don’t have any political reason to fuck around with anybody I’m just having a great life and so I can live in my dreams of fucking crank television for fun
what time is it 3 p.m. I better go home
that’s why was my fantasy
who was the reality really dollars to write a show a statue here at Fox and you know we really start to hear and see if he has to ask his teacher so different I’ll take a bunch of money from you all right that’s really going to piss Bob Greenblatt off I think in my weird dumb mind like he ever thinks about me okay thank you I’m so fast and fucking crazy that it only took me a week to write a community episode because it had to be done in a week and I had 20 people helping me as far as I can remember
I’m a really fast writer I can’t remember past two-and-a-half years because I’m always high I really fast before Christmas because after Christmas I only have a week to prepare for going on at or where I go masturbate to audiences and and do shit like this if the inevitable gets me fired because when they hear it they’re going to be mad because it sounds disrespectful but it won’t matter because all of Trinity’s write scripts so who got put on the internet
30 days later almost finished
oh I didn’t know it was into that burns all the creative process I had to come up with new ways to get a hard-on every dropped off at 12 hours left with start on that CBS thing
time to go to Europe okay
Virginia to amazing we we we love you we are very supportive of you were good people we make good television just want to check in with you
CBS. Dan just made a jerk off motion hope you’re listening on the podcast
I’m going to go in the bathroom with a airplane
12 hours later
no Landing in London
welcome to it that’s where the flight took so long to Brisbane
now arriving in London
it’s Christmas time we agreed to spend this time and Christmas Christmas and with with Robin Kate we were going to go eat Christmas dinner in London
girlfriend what the fuck do you think I wanted to be behind jet line Merry Christmas to me
don’t have fun go to your figgy pudding I’m going to be here trying to write this script okay alright fine we’ll try to make our own fun in London Jesus Christ
bring up the internet to London to use a coat hanger I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know what it means either you guys like you do know what it means
is there must be a way to jerk off with a coat hanger did you get yourself pregnant and had a weird position.
Chicago-style deep-dish it’s a secret underwater it’s all right so I just react for the sake of it doesn’t matter
skip the skip the skip the Christmas Vacation
ruined Christmas
get back home
okay we’re going to church
here you go CBS 8 I did it I did it I did it I wrote it
what do you mean
who is scooby-dum 6 days later
okay there you go. Most of the time is that what’s going on when you close little bunk curtain at this point it’s become a figure it is masturbation only began when they when they when they physical masturbating stops you and a camera crew asking you questions about yourself you don’t you really don’t need your dick to be involved anymore you’re just trying to whole world is your pussy right now
so CVS script is finished Fox 1 is not there’s a point where fox says listen really it has to be done okay I can I have two more days will
in 1 and 1/2 days like they’re going to start making a lot of their decisions the Practical answer okay so if so I’ll try to get to 1 and 1/2 days yeah cuz really at that point you’re you’re coming out you know I will have to get out tickets lower path meeting that you know all these other scripture can I get picked up and you’ll be kind of behind the flock like because I didn’t miss a couple days ago yeah I was like Saturday afternoon was the day that I kind of like you know if I had a shot I would have liked turn something into them and that so then I didn’t so then I was like okay the upside of that is it let’s let’s stop burdening the tour with it so I started I was just like how it says let’s have a glass of Ketel One unless so let’s do some of these shows like unburden then today I was at a at a bar here in Chicago and I got an email from Fox it was like script
Anna and I was like no I can’t really I don’t have any right to be outraged by any of this schedule and everything but your professor is Fox like that’s and it’s not getting an A or an S8 years old and like not cleaning your room which is for us to do with your own shity diapers but you shouldn’t be sitting anywhere because your age
I like you smearing them all over your own walls and then your parents coming in and going smells like shit you might have a better time in your life if you stopped like like shiting everywhere and you sucking your thumb and it hurts
you say that every night presumably somebody at each of those networks is listening to all of this right yeah I know but that’s more shit on the wall that’s self-destruction it’s like something you could get fired before the shows ever get picked up that could set a new record guess is what you’re saying yes holiday television it’s cuz I have to be like like I have to like my hope is by the age of 45 I will be able to write backwards and get fired in Reverse going to actually enter a parallel universe where I’m promoted all the time because everything is like like I’ve been diverted like some kind of balloon now it’ll be fine I’m exaggerating
I think CBS is very happy with this crap is going to be a big hit I don’t care and I let it all this out I went a little overboard with the honesty tonight so we’ll self-destructive nobody yet has a gallon gauging you over here is Lady works at Fox okay
she said she got a message from Eric Acosta who works on the Adult Swim show when they need me back immediately is that true
we are your friends Eric Acosta did he send you here as a minion
okay I mean nobody needs to be back there immediately it’s a very fun show to write like the more they feel that way the funner the show a very well-spoken gentleman over here as in heaven
all right
you’re kind of a Make-a-Wish that’s either a question or a statement
but it does sound like entertainment Dynamite
Make-a-Wish advisory dying it’s going to get pretty Grim up here already brought you down talking about my career prepare to shed a tear
not good
how to make a wish but it’s because I want you to make me a drink o that’s why I have to drink because you’re dying of thirst
I would play that up he’s dying of thirst you guys I just kind of want you know I was really I came here I was just like I mean
go on I have a situation I have a situation called alcoholism
that’s not the cure for alcoholism
Peter Piper arrow that it’s part of the Affliction as you don’t know that that’s that’s how it okay or whatever but friends okay here’s my question how can you make friends with the audio know my question was because obviously I mean you portray yourself as an asshole than I think of myself as an asshole like I am a shity to people like left and right
and and and and you portray yourself as bad as whatever but so how how have you been able to surround yourself with people that are actually talented like is it is he’s a he’s a smart man and then you got all the crowd and they’re all you’ve got a lot of good people in your situation so you’re saying you’re asking what makes him less of an asshole than you
not quite
very close more like why why are you able to have talented people around you
I mean yeah
are you saying I am I going to your cut
are you guys at the worst if I’m getting your question right what you’re asking is you watch what I do and you and you say to yourself while I’ve got the I’m an ass-whole part and you want to know where the success comes at I mean my answer is going to sound selfish Grand icing I’m going to say I have good taste in people or I’m going to say I’ve seen you like at Wisconsin so I’ve seen your brothers at even like when you did the brothers Subs Cousins Subs
he was a young pimply dude but for some reason you were able to surround yourself with talented people
well how does that explain this moment right now I obviously don’t have like one Talent repellent
I’m not just saying
so your towns in person and also awful I mean by your own admission
so you’ve been able to find a community the answer my friend is a rap battle
Bricktown Chicago style this week I can’t remember his name so I can go to wrap a while going to handle the mic and hear his present Style
Dora e
meaning of operation and then I thought that I just want to give you a little bit of vacation with my dick
apparently
good morning, get the food and
but might be kind of good dude I thought it might go on home and your question was what
it’s that I just ruined everything for yourself alone really because that’s part of the story what do you think you’re not the hero you’re not the hero there they’re cheering you buy cheap bootleg what’s your secret with the how do you say I want to suck the fucking life out of your show and your Universe I I I I want I want power I have a fucking face shaped like a skull with a Nazi helmet on it
that makes him a hero to his own people at least at least I’m going to roll into a ball with Jeff right now like I can’t find it like
this is the only comfort I find you’re doing it wrong
Ryan everybody is paying for Ryan Ryan
fuck it hey do you miss traveling with your besties like a girls trip do you miss go in a huge family gathering Viking soul food do you miss meeting the parents so I can get out well actually an element is that but you can still do all of these things with me Desmond Thorne on my podcast adventures in Black Cinema each week I take you on a journey through a new black film how it relates to the culture and sometimes have the themes would like to my own life so there’s always a little t and a slight bit of embarrassment and of course as a filmmaker at myself and one of the blackest film the film Earth-like ever you’re always in good hands
adventures in Blacksburg, but Desmond Thorne executive-produced by Amanda seales new episodes every Tuesday on all major podcast platforms
this episode of harmontown is brought to you by Fulton and Roark Jeff you’re sick of us bill in all your colognes all over the place you hate liquid colognes that correct it’s my Nemesis if it’s the thing that gives me Nightmare dreams all night long I can’t remember how many times I’ve walked in on you just just covered in sticky wet cologne I have traveled and broken a bottle of the cologne that I wear and then my luggage smells like a French whorehouse for the rest of time yeah but pull network is a men’s fragrance and grooming company that specializes in solid cologne shave and shower products all designed to make getting ready and easier and more enjoyable now when you say solid cologne do you mean like solid in the Jazz sense like wow that would bet Jazz solo was solid you know I do mean that but I also mean physically solid as well alone the travels in a little small package that I can’t spill all over my luggage and smell like a Mexican house so I can go anywhere plus there’s
nothing to break or spill it of course they’ll smell fantastic fantastic like a Mexican tit house
I mean there’s different levels of Mexican I mean there’s there’s there’s the high quality ones they’re the ones that you wish you didn’t go to write yeah it does funtastics close is one of their fragrances called Mexican Town House bar soap is designed to exfoliate the skin with or without a washcloth also you don’t even have to touch it comes in desert in the night well that’s amazing that’s that’s literally unbelievable you know Spencer the GQ Magazine just names are shaved cream the very best on the market today so yeah of course I knew that way why would you ask me who my asking this guy you go to this house it’s like an episode of Hoarders so many back issues of GQ magazine there and I got to tell you my house is made out of bricks of cologne wax basically yeah yeah try it yourself, and save 15% off your purchase by using the code Ferrall f e r a l at checkout at verily check out smell good
for once you fucking bums. You are smelling good
Fulton and Roark time to get your stink on off get your bad stink up and get your good stink on Fulton and Roark not by men different Corporation by Fulton and Roark
describe discretion… Valor I was just thinking like like you know like if you like when you’re driving to the ice so enough about my career
Chicago right now
who’s the dungeon master moments ago we love you God that dress you wearing pants he boasted he can wear shorts all day today and not be bothered by nothing but tweets from people saying it will people take their weather seriously I am going to take your guys’s weather seriously about your health now no no thanks I appreciate your concern
understand that you had your first deep dish pizza today
I said I said Spencer did
I also took my first shot in Chicago
no no your pizza is good your pizza is good I like you guys and your pizza
so flattered
they they’re there they roll out the red carpet for stairs is that the warmest audience I’ve ever met
speaking of which I met somebody outside before the show that I wanted to roll the dice on so to speak like breaking up I want I wanted the audience to meet him and see if he provides as much joy for them as he is very entertained by this this guy is it is it banned
what’s the Spanish check check check if I got to do whatever you want I want you to do your thing thank you I just wanted to talk to you it’s okay to talk about my nuts in my bed someone in the crowd against
it really was your like like like like I don’t I don’t know I don’t know how to not put you on the spot but I wanted to I just wanted to talk to you a little bit cuz you’re very flattering before the show and I also thought the audience might be a little Charmed with you but now they’re going to feel compelled to but then again your lead-in couldn’t have been better
you’re safe and secure here is not lift up your shirt and Hitler’s face could be tattooed on you and start speaking and he would still kill
but I just want to cuz I don’t know there was so I don’t I’m not a good interviewer been okay. When I started you know watching community and started you know that there’s and I like being I am just speaking generally I think I like the whole concept bothers me because I think it’s more important to like things into like the concept of liking things so that’s why you no answer there’s like a parachute station that’s occurred you know where it’s like I don’t like you know I’m not passionate about filmmaking not dashing about Hitler or you know whatever I’m just I just like like he thinks you don’t answer like on top of that apartment and so I think that
that’s the best sitting and that’s great and that was like usually important to me but like I was reading it there was like this is our sense of empathy building at it I like I like I don’t idolize and Harmon there’s like it’s weird at the end I realized you know that’s not like a oh I’m so flattered but I’m not sure what that means though is that for whatever reason 15000 my birthday was on January 7th so there’s a Time fluctuations are
are you going to try to figure out where I was 16 years ago and where would you have been 60 R16 all right here he would have the genital mutilation and the lightning genital mutilation back it up. Filmmaking or whatever with genital mutilation I don’t know why
this is out of control right now man from what he was doing to genital mutilation. I bet he was masturbating so much have you started masturbating
prove it
what’s wrong going to jail
CVS is going to bail us all out
navigate like now are you sorry just get back to work so here’s the thing in your Django right you’re not black and you’re not you’re so it’s like it’s like that narrative right up here in yourself and I are you know self-actualizing but here’s the thing have you entertain the possibility that you’re actually Samuel Jackson and that or like I think someone else is going to become Jango as you entered that you are me as that. That’s why I brought you up and then like I am a so narcissistic and then I
shrinking you sending you back in time don’t mean I give me a bottle I just mean that he said earlier he’s a prodigy you like if you’re if you’re a chess champion like he’s a chess champion an earlier age when you are and he’s got to push it more together
he likes to mutilate those General he’s already started masturbating that means advice but you don’t have to mutilate yourself to masturbate right there’s just this is lotions and what not
but my point was like it they the idea is to sort of because they are you carrying a gun right now
the easy thing to do is to come up and and the tile I think was felt more personal Andrew
he came up and was like the people and and so you know you’re huge you provide people like me like I’m a I’m a matter and antimatter
I’m 16 which means that I’m obnoxious and narcissistic and then I see someone who is publicly obnoxious and narcissistic and also for Grambling Lee you know so like I am at fifteen and I think hey so filmmaking is really hard to do and really hard to be successful in but if me with a dashing beard pirate man can do it maybe I can you no answer that that that’s that’s the thought that’s what I wanted
we can’t get a straight answer out of you on that where do you see yourself at 40 years old but if you had your pie in the sky dreams where would you be at 40
then came back like like shoot for the moon well don’t be bashful
but I want you to come out of your shell for once in your life and tell us where it where you think you could you could you could have your dream where would you be at 40 years old but it wasn’t Joseph campau who said follow your bliss of the dream shouldn’t be I want to have all the money all the cars all of The Mamas the dream this is my first time having it with the podcast this is the new generation piano
what does this dream is used to follow the Bliss what do you want for yourself if if that what if it’s at that if you’re following your bliss and if this is like you know living at the close as you can to being happy and feeling like you’re you know if it says life is essentially be a good selling selling newspapers in the corner in the thirties
mosquito hat give us a topic and what time do you think you could talk simultaneously with me we’ll just both address of traffic in the same time you don’t listen to me and I won’t listen to you but just talk to them precisely play what’s the use most often because if it’s like looking into a stream at themselves turned into a plant by doing it which means we do for you.
if you knew how to be honest about it I knew you would be able to liberate yourself but there’s a cool Pikachu get up and walk around.
Band that was magnificent thank you been
I thought you going to ask me a question after show can I ask you a question after after everything I do so that I can not kill myself with Ben after every every
okay go back there and just don’t get too jealous he’s one year older and he’s getting all the attention but it’s just because next year I’ll have you up
this is his brother wants to be a graphic designer and Bud wants to be a director you and I is Ryan right Richard.
We both know Richard the cooler name in the graphic designers are more creative than directors so so like it’s going to have more of an impact than him but he’ll be he’ll be over there garnering all the attention to the probably autoerotic is 58 x 50 I shouldn’t manipulation gentleman speaks
I think I think we’re talking about a mutilated penis
was I wrong to bring him up was that it was that a bad thing stinks and if you met him before a show when you be like at the beach and you run out if you stub your toe in an old-timey Lantern you have to you have to rub it all right should we should we should we should we put Spanish
Ukrainian give him a little low-key right no I don’t need problems like everyone that sensitive sense of the night we ask for a people have been bringing Prilosec like people to some druidic Temple it’s a very expensive drug that I needed some and like Somerville and then there’s people are bringing Prilosec like like a weird druidic ritual it says it’s shameful and amazing and cool I have to I have to I have to go in and get it checked out cuz I was just noticing today I saw a commercial for it Larry the Cable Guy’s the new spokesman for it so I was like I got it I got to get off this train and
but also I said I never bothered to read the box but I bothered to read the fine print on the on the commercial is that it had like like it it said don’t take take it for 14 days I don’t take it for more than four months I’ve been taking Prilosec for like fucking I don’t know season 2 of community like I started to go to the doctor again you know Popeye spinach here I’m sure it’s not great on your epiglottis probably Ward and maybe the flap of the map and the and then so then maybe stomach acid gets gets up more but here’s what the doctors did when I went to that I went to my regular doctor I said I’m having heart by frequent heartburn he said he’ll freak when I said it’s this week when he said okay you should go to a specialist to migrate that’s what I expected you to say and that’s how he gave me a referral I went to this guy The Specialist I went into the specialist to specialist said what do you have I have I have heartburn when you have it I have it just freaked when he said okay
and it’s not like I didn’t I didn’t say but I could have said no
but I said he just like kind of took charge it was like like get up and dance
are you stuck with a doctor who stuck his finger up my ass and end in felt around and end and said everything seems fine no sign of external hemorrhoids two things I know
the only thing
I know everything’s not fine in my butthole it’s my butthole a butthole expert
after he didn’t he gave me a referral to a specialist and I didn’t go Jeff and I won’t because you fool me twice I didn’t suffer the first I did not send you to a guy named Ray Ray
doctor sent me to a rape doctor and I don’t mean a doctor that helps rape victims obviously I told you the story I meant don’t grow it it’s not a ton
but he haw
it is right out of the freezer compressor
freestyle monster dming the proctologist
with a Cree the door opens
immediately you feel something’s not right take off your pants he says it’s all right he says I’m a doctor he says
but now
the proctologist
better you’re becoming a national treasure you know that right
that’s awesome but he’s become don’t give me a job no no
don’t tell Apple this but I’m a PC user
hi, just honest dishonest Apple employee asking if you found everything okay but behind his eyes you can tell he doesn’t really care
that’s all
but career I don’t know man I’d never write anything down do you write stuff I used to like I can write when I prompted and I enjoy it but like unless I’m prompted or have some reason to do it I just won’t do it at all
that’s how I get the big bucks baby I guess I’m on the right track I’m being attacked attacked by a writer’s block what does it sound like when a large block interpose has your path
looking around you see no obvious Texas you sit down and see if you might be able to hammer out a solution but none arrives
I know it’ll be a long night
related
looking at the dripping mess between your legs
that’s all that’s all
yeah it’s a dungeon
Sprinter I’m being attacked by procrastination specifically I am a writer at Mountain Adventure and being attacked by the procrastination monster
sitting at your desk you come across a flash of insight but then a tweet
all right
the earlier the six legs what is the significance of six
let’s let’s reveal Spencer’s conjoined twin the $5
open your mind
we were playing a game that was kind of like D&D like a free-form RPG that my friend ran and he was trying to be interesting an offbeat so 4 character creation he drew was kind of like one of those speaking I don’t know what they’re called I don’t know the circle with fucking drawings on it and you can spell that’s what I was thinking but that’s not what it is it was just like a farm animal noise machine colander and Master Chief from Halo and so the idea was you pick two elements and then he forms your character so I picked a bagel and a burglar and I became the Bigler and I didn’t like that so I chose a six and a bagel and I became the six wheeler and we played the game my friend was the colander and it was a good game like instead of rolling
dice to hit we have to throw paper balls through like his move out stretch arms like a circle and so is actually kind of interesting but anyway the $6 was just a pretty cool dude in like a volcano exploded in but he was fine like you was right next to it and was just like I’m a cool dude and the lava like didn’t affect them and that just kept going on like I’d step into traps in the lot in like the Trap would affect me because I was a cool dude and
it wasn’t my game like this was someone else’s choice to I could have died but but yeah so and then I thought the $6 sounds cool like it’s got an access got the likes and it’s got like L sounds are sound that sounds like a good sound and its original enough to be an online handle it’s not the $6 42 or the 6th floor heart in 01437 but it was just the $6 so it’s anytime I sign up for an internet I don’t need you no numbers after it so I just kind of stuck
all right
what do you think is it is it time to shift into
are you saying we should play DND right now
Erin mcgathy to the stage Erin mcgathy
I didn’t do it wherever you want it make yourself at home that you lose you won’t be the first person to do to all right that people have people that’s coming to Auntie’s multi-sided dice the Tom Jones of Davian Dave threat than like a hard round objects see how many people are there in this audience of about I would say 300 how many of you have ever played D&D
wow all the all the people that got her first should we do it we should do a d and d has also become a chance to do a relationship check in with Aaron
for those of you who listen to the Pittsburgh show
from the same person from different people are very different opinions about what I did want to say to the person that wrote Aaron an email of the subject line dial it back where they gave her a bunch of notes along the lines of you know you should whatever fuck you like suggests that that that Aaron needs to be somehow psychologically broken on the face of the Earth for ever even coming near me with her vagina let alone her in her soul
break my heart bag that you reading that email to me or someone was kind of on my side and quotes for me to go fuck her fuck me you’re the best you endure a lot and I’m so sorry just passed away like that that is true like like you’re not supposed to say go to serial killer rights to the New York Times
I also I don’t think that I just to clarify I don’t think that this email is unreasonable side but don’t write if I can email the stranger and tell them their business that’s what is a stranger is writing an email about the Rhode Island show
hey everybody sit back relax we’re going to read a negative email
higher Magothy yes I know I don’t actually know you but I am feeling compelled to write you after listening to harmontown in the Road Rhode Island’s because it sounds like you are about to self destruct
do you have to dial it back with the needing constant for affirmation of dance on Flipping left for you you’ll drive him crazy and this will totally undermined your relationship asking about his dirty his dirty comments to the ladies at the previous show and I’m not sure what she was referring to and then asking the audience if you should feel bad about if Jeff asking Dan if
if you should feel bad about if just asking Dan about fetishes is a reflection of his lack of respect for your relationship sounds really ugly and Teddy and unnecessary on your part I am almost the same age as stay on and got that Dan was just joking and being dirty because he has a dirty mind and that’s it’s funny
venue I was sitting in a room full of cats taking it out on girlfriend
also also desperate bring also death bring up fetishes it’s just good comes rolling because it’s a titillating and taboo subject and therefore intriguing possibility
he didn’t exclude the possibility that maybe you and Dan are working out new fetishes together do not take anything they say or do you want to say personally it’s just for the funny and to make people think and possibly some sort of therapy for damn he sounds like he’s feeling good on Save I think this may have been written by a zebra
I started listening to your podcast in harmontown at the same time last year and I am definitely a fan so I guess I’m just rooting for you and Dan to continue through life together that’s why I really think you just don’t need to worry so much about his feelings for you he sounds way into you and that he would be straight up if something was a problem so just relax and have fun. Crazy about my new show that isn’t really important in the bigger picture and it is a waste of time to dwell on it signed the relaxation master
n a i mean
but I swear it’s like you got none of that none of that I disagree with whatever yeah it doesn’t exactly all the shit I would say to Aaron like a relax it’s just to show what a bubble bubble. Don’t have to try to play catch-up. Be my girlfriend is a horrible horrible did you see Backdraft is worse than that it’s so much worse
I did I got to get another email which would be another email from somebody who does the Pittsburgh show I got another email about the Pittsburgh show and I express some insecurities are but as Dan and I discussed earlier today dammit I have this really big fight and
you know World dammit I had a really big fight and talked about it on stage and as I was sitting backstage I was thinking about the fight and I was feeling very sad went on stage and Dan said about anything like you you know you’ve been at been backstage you haven’t had a chance to see your side of the story but I felt like hearing him talk about it again upset but instead of saying yeah that fight made me feel bad I latched onto something that was more shallow this like this bit about masturbating to a seventeen-year-old volleyball player which I I I got an email saying hey like I’m in town for fun and that’s just terrible as for sadness
sometimes it’s a lot of fans worried there were either because I had said it hurt my feelings that you talked about that Dan would stop talking about things like that or he would send her himself and I want to say to that person and every listener we can talk about whatever he he likes and that’s why I’m crazy in love with him and I’m going to have all of his little weird babies
Eric he talking about something and it makes you cry you came out and said you were crying back to me I mean her coming up it’s fine I like I’m going to pay for it
they’re here with their mom and their ordering wings
pay for an unlikely fact I guess
stay out of the streets on the road totally great and wonderful and it’s it’s been it’s been a bit like there was some like unseen stresses your boy has she fell down you guys she fell down the stairs
I thought that joke was obvious but it was like you are not an abusive boyfriend thank you
you psychologically fell
unto the doorknob of Dan Hunter
hormones and was later because I don’t want to fuck things up for my my sister’s but but if I did a little something
I like this. Rap you give me a cab to where the fuck up. Right. I’m hitting it right
I’m sorry but I’ve been emotional had
like I had someone stopping on my stomach you know what I’m
I’m sorry I feel terrible up so you can get a night to buy the whole set.
I’m sorry sorry about being emotional or most
they’re not casual repeated repeated drive me to beat on me where’s the view of ever beat on me because I have a piece of clothing so that they figured out how to get the upper hand with me all the time which is by taking the low road so congratulations and welcome to owning me forever I love you please don’t jump me break down.
yeah..
Cleaning out cleaning out clean it out
I want to do it
it was such a mainstream rap I wanted to add a tinge of Indy
just threw in a random thing make it more of a Lena Dunham in Canada
maybe I don’t know what being in love is but you’re
your guys version of being in love is fucking complex I think it looks a lot like two people love each other and themselves so much that they don’t care about the entertainment of the whole world
I would like to conclude this bed and then to enter into dungeons dragons I would like to read the final email that I got very short Dan and you’re going to lose everybody hi Aaron I just wanted to let you know that the podcast apartments on from Pittsburgh brought me to tears. Because you didn’t fight because I recently got divorced and part of the reason we didn’t stick together is that we never talked about how we really felt with each other like you and Dan are able to do I know you feel insecure about your relationship with him but I think you have a huge advantage of that you were able to express ourselves and let each other know how you feel if you can do that I’m sure that level can carry you the rest of the way Rob
but the kind you like it’s the kind you like cuz it in a little list
be there just tell me I’m pretty and I look sent today I’ll be fine
looking at the calendar with a start you realize it’s her time
tiptoeing past the door you think you can make it down the stairs but then you hear the shattering sound of porcelain on drywall. That’s it
I know that the next round of emails is going to be subject headings like just let Spencer talk and send an email to email Cathy at gmail.com if you will take us up to date for the DND campaign
after meeting up with a group of fish dwelling humans and stopping by their small village this the group headed to the store to pick up some potions and some paralyzing injectors as well as a length of rope they set off down an esophageal tube to Fish South where the crossing the lake on tenders floating disc entering a dangerously Speedy sphincter the group found themselves on a narrow ledge with a small campsite there they met I can’t remember his name I’m going to call and Thomas
the prince of some fiefdom or other I can’t remember
Dallas and yeah okay are you making this up no it’s just I didn’t write down names I never do Nate is going to Denmark me in Bloomington by brought down as it’s Brits Valentines with his name
it’s hard as I piss on iPad mini and my fingers are huge how do you have time to take all those notes between creating all those Anonymous email accounts
I would never reveal my secrets mr. Harmon
hey Dad. What back with you
I would love to
after being lured by talk of Swords valise and returned with the heroes to the small inner fish Village they were off to free themselves from the confines of the infinite fish so you guys are in that Village again remember you kind of went in a big circle after finding I’ve Allison okay here’s the deal at the table we are at the last meeting of the Goddess that much as probably clear it’s time to attend with the father that means accepting your own death there’s no better way to accept your own death than to give way to to to the you know the father Kronos than the baby New Year in the you know that like the snake sheds its skin I want the part of Sharpie butts a lot to be played for this segment in Chicago by Ben
my sixteen-year-old self please come to the stage or three episodes your 1615 maybe you can figure it out you you’ve just started mutilating yourself and here you go. Here’s the microphone so basically you pretend what why I’m saying is true
and you act accordingly just like just like church
standing up standing ever been part of San Diego
great dad he’s he’s he’s funnier than you
my trick is since I framed it with like he’s me a little something bad looks identical to my first boyfriend Eric Eldard he showed me his penis in the shower
Monster Golf Resort off relax
I’m just getting off a sweater I’m just so you know I mean I’m not your fault
are we playing DND we are
that won’t stop me teaching you things though okay
something terrible is about to happen
all right I just meant that we got the prints before a storage capabilities the power of the farce or is it probably the right idea to go destroy this animal from the inside and let let’s March toward the heart of this Beast happy thank you sir balesin crumbles I don’t know about killing this thing but you do have to do some damage if you’re going to want to skate let’s head fish West
fish West I had fish West you guys had fish West at the far wall of a fidget visual The Village you’re met with what appears to be a largest meat curtain this is your education is part of a sentient being
you’re not a time almost certain were breaking some sort of love
I understand I understood that this is actually a different meat curtains Isaac happens okay have a new one and I press myself through it
we all press ourselves boldly through the meat curtain through the folds of the meat curtains
behind the curtain is a passage it’s relatively narrow but still quite the wide considering it’s inside of a living creature from far off you can hear the thumping of hearts in the slashing of blood being pumped through great veins and arteries apparently the floor is slick and Squishy and you find it quite difficult to stand up straight let alone move you can see circular holes in the ground full of bubbling green acid
through the passage is a larger curtain of meat
we have the cross of floor that’s slick and it’s got holes in it and asses bubbling through does acid whole area right can I take my rope and tie it to an arrow and shoot it across the sea like in the ceiling
nope that I know I was about to attend is when you have a short amount of time devoted to at ass like if you’re tying your shoes me at 20 minutes you could take a 10 you know that’ll give you a decent success rate if it’s not very difficult you automatically pass if you have plenty of time like an hour or two you can take a 20 that means you automatically you know as if you rolled a 20 but you require a long. Of time and it can’t be a task that you can fail at for instance falling and flipping a pile of asset
I applaud your efforts sir
is this the time to to take a 20
what what’s the what’s the consequences case I’m going to roll you can’t take a 20 because the stakes are life and death you don’t have time to mess up in and fix it I got to episode of Glee I have like a ray of frost thing because I listen to the podcast so can I try to cast a spell and build a bridge across the lava or whatever alright you can attempt entry of frost as a rather weak spell you’re the best you can manage in Meeker bridge builder you spell Santa
okay
be a father to your child
I’m so sorry it’s like a Temptation it’s so rare spells their special abilities spells are on a different page
okay that Backpage is all your spells man
I’m helping
what is Eric
you can’t be really is Dan okay so you don’t have no I don’t have is there a way for me to make a bridge there is no way for you to make a bridge I’m a plus-9 for jump across this expense along like you can jump over individual puddles definitely but I’m not sure okay I all say you can jump about 30% of the way whatever that is
you jump successfully
okay I have one more question never had a lesson My Future Self from the future. To me and suggested I use tenser’s floating disk park choir so that when he next comes he can land on it and then like somehow move it again so that we sort of hopscotch Macross right over one of those cause of acid so I could just like step lightly upon it so I cast tenser’s floating disk disk appears
okay today you are a man
thank you
this is your Apartments.
Trademark
the court the cork that’s your name upon it you were upon a $10 floating disc above a pile of acid can I jump to the next to the next place
you are struck by a tentacle that whips out of a wall with a flash ship that grabs you by the ankle
you take an arrow
critical hit
because you shot one Arrow
is that your arrow slices through the air cleaving the tentacle and Twain
sharper a cork is released to the tenders floating disk you can jump most of the way
sounds like a bad idea wait
is there a way for me to simultaneously moving forward as he jumps or they’re both in there at the same time so it lands on it as you land and then come in jump and finish you can move it with him on it without jumping
Sharpie you move it I don’t have to jump so much okay all right
how many you move it I’ll jump I’ll wait until half of the movement and I’ll jump the rest of the way so that
yes
that’s all the way across
all right yeah okay cool cork is across the passage across the passage you see a large curtain of me thank you sir
but what about you guys can we just like various back and forth with the floating disc
I harness all of my training at frisbee golf when I send the floating disk yay
that happens okay so they have the disc now yeah alright we both fit is fine. That’s a lot now so I don’t know what game you’re playing but the time continuity Marches On
okay we go across yeah that happens yay
another make curtain yep elude myself up and I can’t lie insert myself inside the meat curtain
easing yourself in
what word the clave Clevo Ki chi chi Cleveland beef curtain
easing yourself through the meat curtain you find yourself in a circular Green Room 3 bluish holes Mark either or Mark the wall ahead of you left right and Center I’ll be all together now it’s just you right now standing in the middle of the room is a strange tendril of Flesh sprouting out of the ground on the end of which is a large eye with a multi colored iris the eyes sways back and forth bondresali
with the smart data me
so did I say I’m in the room right now inside the meat curtain chamber 3 bluish holes left right and Center at because it’s a giant tendril with a multi colored iris I swing ponderous lay in front of ponderous I might very well be what I think I should invite the rest of the gang and yellow through the meter at 9 to come on in the water’s great
you to see the things same thing that I mentioned earlier
can we can we try to communicate with it
you don’t speak the same language
how do you say it does not speak any language you can’t get a read on it normally you tend to use body language to determine how an animal’s feeling but this is giant eyeball on a staff or a stock
wait I can’t make it sleep because we need to extrapolate information from it or something it shoots a Blu-ray be no
sleep sleep sleep I’ve always entitled to a will save he passes he shrugs off to sleep I try not to Die Trying to trying to fly off in a rage but I go into a Berserker raging
I do different Circle rage you hear the voice of ballast it’s in your years yes use the rage harness the rage
you strike directly on the island with a reflex it manages to shut its eyes so you haven’t damaged its I however you do deal
0.4659722222
hey mr. Lee quick while they’re alone are we cool
okay okay okay okay I’ll buy you a bouquet of giant fish monster flowers
look at the sweater look at the sweater
is it is he still hitting the eye with a sword use you’ve completed his strike
scratching heart thank you my Obi-Wan conscious appears to me once again in a ghostly Hayes to my other eye vision it’s not the voices again it’s the ghostly conscious burning burning ray casting your arms and a magical Manor several bursts of fire Street Fords
YouTube Lisa strike it directly in the stock before taking five damage five damaged yep all right to Green
even though you’re in the throes of a barbarian rage you can’t help but stare longingly at the I need your self compelled to attack your friends
I hear I already wrote that will save about 4
is he attacking us now
is there anything I can do in my defense you can attack the you know your friends I don’t attack my friends all right well you kind of have to I have to attack my friend being compelled by the magical I to attack your friends it seems like a good plan I can’t sleep can I make him sleep
what so it’s corks turn them more and then you can guess about well that’s the great thing about being charms and compelled by otherworldly forces you could do things you don’t want to call Ice Ice Road portable hole in front of me and fall into it so I can get my I miss my attack
you fall into a portable hole
two people just intercepted by air high five
or call Jeff Moraine
Cashwell
an arrow
REI that I still like looking around right can I use wild empathy and I already did that can I get I’ll shoot I’m sorry guys I shoot two arrows at the eye when is the island and want to add the eyeball and as if I’m shooting a slow motion Say It Isn’t So
both of your arrows hit their mark
dealing 13 damage to the eye
then I like
I summon monster which monster would you like to summon
thank you so much time you had a fiendish squid and a Celestial beat so
either one if you give me a second look up
what does the squid is it doesn’t like Ben die in front of me well that’s that’s mean that Badger always there a badger
I’m waiting is there a knot or like a cuddly furry animal I’m going to say yes but the animals never die they never you never you never kill the dog so that’s been okay well then I summoned Badger you some of the dire badger
standing before you the divide the divider Badger waits for its orders
the badger adorably hits the eye with its finger tail by the eye but fails
Spencer what what is my power bracelet do it gives you plus two to strength
what the hell have disguised it let you disguise yourself is another humanoid that’s not going to work
feel compelled to attack your teammates seeing as how you’re stuck in a pet that that works
Cliffhanger that would put it in the icebox turn
Ron geis
okay it viable turns red in the stairs directly at Sharpie
it shoots a red gaze at you but you shut it off
God whose turn is it
Sharpies Sharpies yeah sorry guys charm fail his I will save to be afflicted by your charm spell so he’s back on your side
although still in a portable hole
go to sleep arrows
both of this sleep arrows impact the creature
you feel its eyes grow heavy and it falls to the ground
little it’s asleep
the guy I have a question is she still reduced through all of this okay cool I was just being bothered by the time I get out of the hole
wait
you pull them out of the hole alright I take my sword my Greatsword and going to a Power Attack all right automatically confirm critical hit
you deal 28 damage severing VI
spell Sharpies hair and smile
it smells kind of like fish gets you killed the ice.
Do you want a pic like there’s three pads if you want to like pick or valise and Surround also is a good time for a cliffhanger
everybody
Hanford young Dan Harmon been
Ben Herman
Erin McCaffrey everybody Erin mcgathy
thank you babe what a good sport
Ben always respect women and
and don’t drink too much and nnn nnn rate right draft quickly like
skip through get through a bad one first and you can always rewrite it later just trying to think of everything I do wrong
the band is requesting chicken noodle chicken noodle man
I am I got a chicken noodle soup and chicken noodle soup chicken noodle man you got to work all day chicken noodle menu got to get well soon you got to get some bed rest sleep in till noon drink a cup of coffee then head to the saloon saying chicken noodle. Come down from the mountains got off work out the chicken noodle. You got to cross the River Jordan my chicken noodle man I got a chicken noodles chicken noodle.
good good requester
Pringles Pringles Pringles can because he has never really found out
Rebecca Van Halen 2 – the right
Ragnarok map
I mean I don’t know if you guys are all caught up on the podcast yesterday I’m getting worse and worse it a try rapping like my Uno cards of rhyming a mouse in South we know that balls Niagara Falls
maybe that means you guys can help me out maybe that’s a really good chance if I say mouse I’m probably going to say twice about anything isn’t it then it’s all fucked like let anybody here early Eminem luck
alright let’s
I’m totally what’s your name is it on
are you laughing by the way I mean you want to give it a shot though they will turn on you like a fucking pit of vipers I don’t care like they they support people who come up here honestly and show me show me
okay you guys know the referring to this I didn’t Jenna
who is Brian come on down. Your mom I’m going to and then I’m going to go to the care the blue me but I’m not even scared of your hate for this not my fate to be brought about you I’m going to hit you in my face it’s kind of like Superman
hi but I don’t have a cape I don’t have a cape I don’t know what was your name I’m outside at the Apollo there’s others are you raising your hand like I thought you were a drinker
all right what we got we got we got we got to handle the back I feel I want to
oh I want to I want to discover like a like a fucking like a new challenge I hear oh yeah
what is your name Mason Mason everybody all right we’ll give him a list, of course,
Jeremiah
1968 I don’t know why but that was free
I don’t really have friends but
alright I tried but I don’t think I’m that good I got a favor from Dan Harmon so I maybe I should continue to do my thing
I think Spencer’s on the stage what’s up dude I like your beard all right yeah I’m going to get you you better believe it I don’t want to be racist or anything but
of course I’m pointing at you what’s your name
Chris Brown
Indian burn
didn’t know what they were Birds I want to get some wings going to fly in the sky I need to turn to eat but some poop gets in my eyes cuz it to my eyeballs in a castle in her pussy was the most Black Hawk Down to harmontown yo yo yo yo yo
she was Obama Mama alright alright God damn it anybody else we need
what’s your name right to suffer from stage fright
I got this
let me state right above my name is
are better than all those other kids
what’s your name Khalil
I’ll give a fuck but I still goddamn on the motherfuking stayed and I’m still wearing the motherfuking crown I stay real I’m from the shy town and I think if you don’t know about that tree or shifts I come from the south yes and I’m on that deal. I don’t give a fuck yes I’m on the Reverend mother fucker that’s how I feel. I’ve been made my jet cuz his face is dark
Central Park, Chicago
I don’t give a fuck nigga I got the power
everybody
Camille
Khalil
I have to take you so much everybody here
Sean and jumped out of town the lights to tape measure
one more time Chicago we fucking love you to pieces
Chicago thank you
I’ll sign whatever you bought everybody
Sirius station 31 live get my wallet in
in my head Khalil made me feel good feel like a man I Got a Friend in Me
your mama still wanted to go poop is brown
it’s for starburns Industries type of the month club 12 original each month of auditory the lights made by some of the most funky and creative artists around featuring Dino Summit opolis Natalie palamedes Johnny Pemberton future ladies of wrestling just being robbed from Lance bangs DJ douggpound open mike Eagle And subscribe each month for $20 you owe me to a portable cassette player so you can listen to your tapes on the go here’s how
for credit card customers please call 747-888-0945 that’s 747-888-0945 or save Cod charges and log onto the World Wide Web at d. R i p s p i p r e s s a good deal
hello I’m Kyler’s I’m the host of never seen it the podcast were comedians rewrite famous movies and TV shows they’ve never seen and then we give them a reed in studio this is a clip I want to play for you guys from episode where Langston Kerman rewrites Scarface he’s never seen it but he wrote a script based on what he thinks he knows about it and here’s a clip give it a listen alright Scarface the New Frontier interior happening discotheque remember when we called clubs discotheque LOL the seventies were crazy night
the crowd bustles with young hot Mexican so we’re supposed to be Cuban and they’re all are dressed and Butterfly collared shirts and pants that look like jinco jeans and pleated khakis at a really weird baby if there’s sex in the air in Papi wants a whip
phase 22 245 devilishly handsome not even a little bit of Italian looking so get that out of your dumb brain walk through the crowd with the confidence of a man who’s going on MTV Cribs with the Ying Yang Twins what does he actually have a scar on his face fuck know why would even why would you even ask that that’s not important what’s important is that he is not at all a problematic stereotype and that he has come for his cocaine as he approaches the red rope of the VIP pronounce v a a pay in Spanish
responses dear friend who is almost certainly going to become his Enemy by the end of the film smoothskin Scarface yells out his signature line at the cafe