Episode: 243 – Adult Onset Pyromania

Episode

Episode: 243 – Adult Onset Pyromania

Description

Our first show after moving to the Starburns Castle with Brandon Johnson as the guest comptroller! Dan finds a giant surprise gift on stage then shows off his latest Minecraft creations then we hear the history of America as a rap. Featuring Dan Harmon, Brandon Johnson, Spencer Crittenden and Rob Schrab.

Transcript

take the boys to yourself you look so goddamn tonight
welcome to the first inaugural show it was so fucking after this session of harmontown is now in full effect welcome to the stage
the murderer of harmontown Sharon Harmon
thank you for the lovely
a big jerk shoes he wasn’t here for the premier’s like you just he knew this was coming for months and then he just teased out there sucking Brian Stiles or whatever. I don’t care, detour we were going to do you know I don’t want to start on a sour note I don’t want to start no more sour notes and starting without music I’m sorry about that I was a little awkward adult Wyatt was like church but that’s why we’re going to be working out some Kinks what was it I don’t know okay so I don’t have to start off on a sour note but we were waiting to play a new
oh yeah we’ve been Waitin fo ya meltdown it why would we do that at meltdown wait until the big day in like a week ago I forgot I got to show for a month or whatever he’s just gone so it’s like it’s about it’s about sadness
what was just underneath five freeways and I moved to this location we could go to his hopefully the livestream experience is a little more friendly oh great thanks. That’s what we love the people that paid it to come see the show we want to make sure that the livestream is there was a guy that tweeted that I Want Grease that stinky Wheels but there was a guy that tweeted in response to us it was like oh great Halloween the cookie-cutter podcast track I see Animation Studios trip for a location to shoot it out of cookie
in podcast podcast app how is it how is it covered up happy cookie cutter
that sounds delicious it sounds like something I would say I’ll be calling out some notes because we have to live test the venue and stuff first things first I don’t know if this is okay I guess I guess I guess there’s always going to be there’s always going to be lights the second thing is that you have yes there’s always going to be like
let’s not get too cocky there might always be like
yeah but with the city and it’s blowing through how about that weather huh tell him great job why is he why is he being self-deprecating if you moved his podcast here’s a cookie cutter for podcaster to say but I feel more at risk of being shot here. I’m so sorry about that
you’re the one that bought a gun
give me a clear shot so I don’t know maybe it’s just that thinking that somebody could walk a little Island
no I really will be racist and ask you do you know what that was about it that means that is the thing that the FBI agent yell to cause a distraction in the back of the hall with Malcolm X’s speaking anything videos Minecraft incurring the movie here
I’m continuing to be racist if you’re some kind of like Malcolm X movie expert but
sometimes come on this is your Ghostbusters
but but I thought it was like a pay-per-view and I think I just like there might have been mad chaos and there’s like accounts of people saying different stuff in it and it’s Spike Lee was just being faithful to the confusion cuz it was just a confusing thing confusions so that everyone would be diverted to the guys who were arguing and the shooters
it wasn’t on my list of things to talk about anyway
election is really made me aware of how racist I am I just like kind of like
I just asked what what what what what what what the fuck is this
so for those of you those of you just listening to God
don’t let the suit full you again you can look for $5 a month but I’m not going to turn my back on you if you’re just listening but set so I’ll tell you there’s a there’s a plastic wrap style polka dot plastic wrap 6 ft tall human sized gift on the stage that was brought by does anyone want and identify themselves as the gift to bring her okay down here it’s supposed to give your dual gift Burgers what are your names can I ask Fox Spencer and Zoe
do you want me to just open it up here is that okay or do you want me to open a privately or do you want to help me open it or okay okay
okay alright don’t need knives Brandon
you don’t need the knife
second
no shit
is a mannequin
it’s missing in Archer
Scott paper flowers over at the private
and it’s wearing a pantyhose
Brandon just contacted chest right no shoes is good
I don’t know if you know that I’m about to be comfortable women I like I like I like Ugg boots and or like you know of course you know
well and now we have this
thank you thank you Joey and Spencer has herself thoughtful and probably a great day at work there’s nothing you’re giving me more
thank you okay there’s a there’s a story to go with it
there is no dream girl brand what one-size-fits-most it says it’s about him
thank you and goodnight
thank you so much you’re such a thoughtful people people brought a scaled-down it wasn’t the same size as in the Christmas story but it was like one of those it was a replica like leg lamp with the fish dinner but he like this is like how you know you’ve really found your your audience no show for five years he put a little pant leg over it tonight objectified in public like this plaque around it for public
really old Gil Gil Gil hurt somebody sits there and now he’s as good as anybody gotten turned over that Amazon Rockin like taken just whatever you want from underneath it is just a thought but it’s great night by watched the whole show
I really I really like it too bad podcast but the Patriots great you should go watch it like gassed up
what’s the big deal or maybe there’s press here like maybe variety came I don’t know like I said they’re going to be there going to be a judgment for me too but I just like I feel like 90% of my waking hours are spent picking my nose now it’s like a fill air filter in a box faster and why are you bummed out
search if you love boogers in your leg I don’t know now I’m going to breathe clearly for another two days until I get enough boogers to have fun with you just like what you’re like you’re like twice twice a movie I’m like more like
off what is the best because you’re growing more hair throwing the cheapest solution I get off get off my
macrobiotic lawn
your body becomes against you at a certain noses and you were like a motherfuker trying to give me advice never going to be this motherfuker
and then today I did I did I talked last time about that documentary the Texas University shooting the sniper guy they did there’s a there’s a movie did I talk about that this is related to fight again just go flip some rocks over Google it whatever it’s just laying there but it’s like kind of like a second by second witness account multiple Witnesses everybody survivors of this what was in the seventies the Texas University guy went up in the Clock Tower and he just started he shot like 30 something people many of them lived that many of them died and like the ones that lived obviously the ones telling the story and turn it off cuz it was like this kind of like waking waking
what’s that movie called The rotoscoping you like vector eat anything
I guess I guess the champion at the bit to get up here and
how do you figure it out who the guest is he’s a guest so you tell him I guess now is it just like I was just like okay one who can we get okay but you are going to pay for that goes you should keep the keep watching because it gets more and more heartbreaking and terrifying and interesting and there’s heroic stories and there’s and there’s also people going and that’s when I realized I was a coward interesting to hear but all of the people were like the age they were during the incident and I realize it’s because we’re a gist
an animated interview necessarily having fake people on videos that have split the difference I think this is my assumption why they were doing this artistic rotoscoping thing of younger people acting reading the accounts of the people that that have survived in revealing that those people are still alive and it said this was their story and they’re all of course 30-40 years older and now I see why they did that because we don’t like old people we don’t we don’t believe that there if you did we would people that are where I’m not including myself among them at this point what does it look like melting people like telling you like
and you’re just like yeah that’s what you would rock Lord’s always say he always referring to like how life was Rocky and everyone looks like Michael Chiklis in in the oven
here’s the ears of the same size as there are shoulder pads and signed by Mickey Mickey Rooney
I got that when they were very young and he was still a Child Star Theater of the precipice of realizing that and then probably there for like really listen to everything they said like I’m a piece of shit
you offend me we really blame people we blame we blame it with women get pregnant we look at them is like you’re glowing and I do stuff for them really like like you pregnant but you can’t get out of here go home while you’re at home having a baby maker you grossed piece of shit
we only it was only we worship you stand when you’re when are you the youngest when you’re fucking stupid yeah they get like a nice nineteen-year-old you know about the weather today what was brand new
weather
we used to have that respect for old people we are cavemen cuz I did deal with it melty people that be like this melting like you know how many saber-tooth tigers he hasn’t been bitten by the mean and sent us off to war so it changed to ship yeah
yeah that’s the generation the silent generation the greatest generation of the Baby Boomers
Beatles and fake butter in a
that was that was a reference to the community and their their Community Christmas episode where they sing today and I believe one of them helped out with that Donald Donald
ashamed to see these kids waste their future and
wish you do wish you would have stayed at home with a bunch of rappers I told I told her you were going to
where are you going to wrap
rap Atlanta go ahead make your silly show
I’ll see you again my friend kicking on my door in the rain
can we can we do it for AltaVista
subtract the crackhead I don’t think about it looking at some of the technology Spencer tell people
I just got a backpack on
careful careful
oh no
oh my God why is there a mirror under
play the mirror under
alright well he’s doing the backpack talk to people for a second
we just have to talk to people while you go backstage
call her people listening without the clear the mannequin in the end up finding the leg is a Niger that’s it that’s it
how are you nervous I’m happy to be here
how was your week I’m not doing I’m not doing good guys
this writer Strikers is scaring me
got to got to do it to stay stops then we’re going to figure it out
good thank God you brought the really comfortable chairs
all right so we’re going to do this in real time so somebody somebody tell me how do I how do I hook up to the how do I hook my thing up to the thing
I sent you okay now I got to tell you about a half an hour before the show arm dimmer blue so we can’t dim the lights which might make it hard to view of projection
how is dinner
alright well let’s do this we’re going to try it this is a this is a oh yeah
OSHA
this isn’t the writers room come on this is my Minecraft world
I’m playing a Skyblock Modpack now if you’re listening if you’re listening to the free version of the podcast again $5 month but but also
you know I’m not going to disrespect is just I just want to try out some of the visual stuff old old school Spencer now it was just night time and now it’s daytime can you explain what happens I right click on the sun came out you were talking to Cody about this on Instagram okay so these are refined storage can structures
are there over here is a reminder system and I have a soul sand in there so Soul Sand is going to
what happened I just feel my life just draining away that’s the soul stand
and then these are these are places that they have little tiny Wither Skeleton skulls in them you know what this is too cool for you guys did you know that you when you get Soul Sand in love with a charge of T formation if you stack up so she and is T formation of the new place Wither Skeleton skulls on topic create a Wither which is the most dangerous creature in all of Minecraft you are these are play store so I can do it remotely they Wither Skeleton skulls are in here and this is all weatherproof Obsidian Winter through make it do that over here so I must have switched it’s a 10 second for self resetting lever it goes down to conduit here
do you want to explain the Redstone logic that controls the electricity energy DownEast thinks he’s wired to the left and the right on the left is going to go over here and up to these placement things that’s going to place Wither Skeleton skulls on top of the Soul Sand and then on the right
this is going to make a force field over the top of this but it has to do it after the winner gets created in falls down below the forcefield level so I use the mod called of course the super Super Stop
did they want to bring up the Disco This is a small circuit I made there’s a mod where you can make your own circuits and you can get really elaborate but all this does is a it’s a little tiny delay in there like a five-second delay with one lever puzzle which you’re going to see happen I don’t know if everyone in the guy pulled out
okay okay I’m sorry I don’t don’t listen to them
okay headphones we have money for decimator
we have enough time
the thing is it’s hard to know what what sounds like what would be buying and moving these are my animals who’s there that’s a kind of clocking if I understand
what’s a chicken
this sucks. You know this maybe for another day I deserve these are generating Kabul and flint and sand in their all their each going through all the sayings and then they pass it on to the next thing and then there’s just a lot of stuff you guys.
so here’s
not yet
what have I done because you have to know what to look for who holds cuz it doesn’t look like there’s going to be a Wither so you can be impressed
there’s no sounds I don’t know whatever cuz it’ll 12% or 12%
oh wait I can hear it dear cheers are outweighing the noise or change that much I know you got the noise Ono Ono
okay Mercy For Animals going to get created it’s going to go dance going to fall down I’m going to go down here so you can watch it it’s going to be in there and then
oh shit yeah we’re running a power okay
after the wizard dies while shitload battery
come on let’s go let’s start the show
imagine being unlike The Tonight Show play a game ignore me it’s time to
okay see you in their crate in the winter okay nice falling protecting me you should have made sure he got mortal eyes in the chest is it has an import bus on it and then it goes to this computer and there it is at Elitches
okay and now there’s another thing I wanted to share not Minecraft really actually really cool first I thought it was but it really got me after a while
okay so if you’re listening at home is friendship this is called friendship it’s a presentation is a PowerPoint I just want to make sure your ass is always going to be so visual now I’m never going to listen first of all who’s the smallest violin for your lack of money
you would be able to see it if you have $5 but they are poor and want to listen to something I like I like I like them here I just feel bad for all the stuff you said when you see this video
I tried to put together a PowerPoint up in the green room and I decide to I-26 pictures of you
cuz I want to do a quick PowerPoint friends
our friendly the artist formerly of letters and friends so I gave up my best friend
and then I thought I’d invite this is the end of my slideshow cuz I didn’t have the key to Friendship is understanding fishtrap do you remember do you remember the thing that you made for me at 4 as I can the harmontown documentary resent me
I don’t know where to work
I got that went to work

all right I think I’m going to write all right so so well to fill
Rob whose backpack is that is that your best not your backpack is
you came up with a backpack just thought that would be enough to just make fun of me for wearing my backpack up on stage
I don’t know if anybody here talking about it even likes it I will figure out what we doing okay I really thought I thought I’d be able to like a airplane stuff for my phone and like show you pictures of my dogs that’s what I keep saying is like a dream that’s the big dream pictures of my dog’s butt but we’ll just we’ll just do Regular Show cuz what we’ve got right now is the HDMI plug and weave weave weave weave enjoyed the hell out of that Burbank
when did I didn’t understand the ending of turn my chair around cool all right okay all right so all right so this is the only things I have to talk about tonight
the idea of getting naked because you’re so high you always hear stories about so much cracker they do so much acid that they they take off Rumpke die
they take off all their clothes and like what like like if I can understand trying that but like if it didn’t work with you put your clothes back on right away like I think I think eventually they do Right Moving On
are you at are you worried about what you’re going to do when you get to that moment of being high my friend my dick
let us all settle in for this it was the second time I’ve got high and we were in my friend’s car and I showed him my dick is it was he asking no was it for like the beginning of The Twilight Zone movie do you want to see something really scary blue with white hair did it say thanks for giving me high and Sharpie on it or something
and there was like a comedy whistle noise
is there something was there something wrong like where you asked me for advice. No way
play what to do with your dick yeah
yeah check this out was it was it was funny probably
I want to analyze myself in the moment
the first time you got high did you think I’m going to I can’t do it yet but I’m going to do it
the first time I got high I whipped out my dick and then I was like no no no but I didn’t tell anybody where is troubling you you be Spencers friend and I’ll be Spencer you’re driving and Dad don’t understand what I’m trying to trying to say with my life and I
you know what I mean that’s why I hang out with you because you understand what I’m trying to do I got so much understanding it’s it’s crazy but then you bring it on bro
zipped that happened
Spencer
yeah you think is beautiful
take it easy
why you made a left turn in a no flashing Zone I don’t know I don’t know
gorgeous Dancing Yeah Yeah
and I wasn’t sure if I should end it thank you thank you
that’s the last movie The Iron Man
the Ironman Millennials it was called The Iron Man the Iron Man 2 for the Iron Man I’m still working out some kinks in my home automation system one of my dreams is to have a nice little house and have like be able to control
the speakers and stuff in every room and blah blah blah
so there’s multiple audio sources what are the audio sources is an iPod in case the internet goes out as got a little iPod that’s full of music with a laptop to fix this with the iPad just has all my voice memos on it and that sounds bad and and so I just looks today cuz I was like trying to play the sneakers soundtrack which dictated yelling at gave me as a gift cuz if you can’t get it online there’s no there’s no sneakers soundtrack on Spotify on it it’s a good thing you gave me the CD in the 90s in Milwaukee and I lost it and Wynton Marsalis Brandon Bradford Bradford Branford Marsalis Branford Marsalis
can I play the CD player anymore sound like put it in a Blu-ray player and then I’m like looking at the different menus and things is going to play this sneakers soundtrack everywhere and then I see you find out your zipper has been opened but you have no idea how it could have been days and I see it up it’s like the back patio is is playing my iPod
I’d like to know I’d like drunken fights I’d had with my ex-wife you don’t like a record all my therapy sessions are just listing the other and it’s like like like like like things are Rick and Morty lines or something that like I’m handing you an editor like scratch in but then and then interspersed with that is like a minute sound files that are like
I’m not sure if you are here with you
oh no oh my God
this fixed because because it’s going to make me look like a real hero yeah I know I don’t know because we were both drunk.
let me get a drunk person. Like you could hear yourself right now are you so hard listen let’s listen to listen to it
never treat you differently as any shit, let’s plan for the speakers.
Causing the sun to grow my grass
I keep thinking we’re going to be cutting to like some puppet show over here with this lady Elaine is going to come out of this
let’s do a segment or a sandwich you ready we’ll do a segment has an old classic sings sings The Dan has to complain about that he can’t he can’t really complain about without sounding like a dick
I said
when your party for you have money your problems are due princess when you were saying so when you are also a tension cord is hard to complain about the stuff that makes you mad because all the people listening are poor and sad
really got my finger on the pulse
okay so here’s the thing I’m sick and tired of doing these days
Bryson
I’m not doing any more interview request for Publications that are part of a round
I never get chosen I spend hours on my quotes and email them in and they never use me they’re just using me like get to the sail do it
are you the truth gateway to just using me to make him maybe he’ll go like Ugh gross I’ll do that cuz I don’t know why he would do that why would you do tell me waiting to talk on topics of these people have not reached out with no I’m saying like I’m just saying like just cause you it says like oh do you want to do this as your publicist do you want to do this. We didn’t do it will you do it
what do you what do you what do you like that the self-deprecation buttress
vacation Butcher say hey will you do this will you be $1,000 pyramid with nails
and the Pee Wee Herman will you get off he we Herman with Soupy Sales hey Dan Harmon I’m your publicist I’m sorry I’m sorry to break it up and you never wrote me back anyway
will you do this as well. We won’t do it you don’t call me anymore you don’t call me Chris Pratt has not call me anymore
do not call me anymore it does not like my Instagram pictures live and I want to Instagram it and I have that right I don’t go into a tunnel right now and
it was just be nicer to me if you want to be famous why did you become a why are you why are you good. That’s where all the food is I’m hungry I’m starving
I am cuz I wanted to cuz you’re being but you’re being a dick and I want to show
just wait don’t don’t broadcast anything yet cuz I just I’m so scared that my laptop’s going to have like this is more for other people in for me I do you remember that you’re not broadcasting in the right okay all right just let me find something but three
grab your going through a tunnel
thank you
it’s a long tunnel
there’s no light at the end of the
John Taylor. I have to run is my Instagram account that you have to be created you can’t just
does it take a second
fast and furious movie is really lighting up the Box Office Mojo and the Furious more like great day and the Furious
of the Furious hey hey hey Sasha would you like to go on fate and the furious with me it’s our first date
oh hide sidebar there we go okay
I’d sidebar okay sure I’ll write popcorn store and I’ll have a soda as well please, and yet all right but I’ll remember your request welcome to AMC is Sir Minister after part of the beautiful you’re so beautiful thank you for going out on a date I’m desperate all right you could you can bring out I’m just going to show some photos for the zoo
on a date scene fate of the Furious after these messages gun store that’s why I still haven’t put it on the table Classics yellow
that’s why I was trying to make my Mass Effect character you get to the Greyhound
the screen now that’s the opposite
that’s my Mass Effect character Easter barbecue and I got to go take a random Lincoln’s beard and a suit is the dogs they say this is a guy testing my intercom system was down there all day. That’s right next to my bed and I was jerking off and clean
you were jerking off his Sofia clean my favorite interventionist on Intervention of my candy pain again in my jeans Ben vondran if only for his last name is this is another thing I was high again in the restaurant I was like look at that beautiful Chandelier and it’s never really work to look at all the wires in there how many tell me things do you need for a phone look at this thing here I used to feel bad for phones until it makes me feel bad for phones to
but then I woke up a Seth Green and a signing and the sky looks like Seth Green in Disguise so I took a picture
I was so looks like he looks a little like meth green sometimes people ask me to draw stuff for Rick and Morty is this morning so I can capitalism as a dick gay and you loved him so late or whatever it says we’re a woman yeah I just want to specify when I put an asterisk on that like really underrated I hope it’s not on the highway third day westerners I found out the ultimate drag to take that as signing is MDMA and then we went to the signing so I’m sorry if you were there with your family and you have you sign the thing I was I was rolling eyes
the kids called me Molly or whatever it was I thinking
because
adderal to get through like a right and it just makes me talk about myself while ago but it’s a perfect bun using people are like oh I came from Phoenix in your leg wow is Phoenix give me the phone number you know it’s just like like like a phoenix is cool and it’s like it is exactly as the true strength and how you feel it’s not hard to get to that place in such a strenuous environment the Duncan Trussell like went off on a like a Heckler or something did you hear about this or whatever is old news go back to your scout
as an example of citing matching figures in the sky made it that he bought some kind of garbage speeder Scout that’s not that’s not interesting I want it I thought I had an album full of the me and shit that you texted me I don’t text me okay but then I open the slack and then it’s like they’re all over the place to get the whole slates on there and people are they making a positive Dragon movie I’m going to tell holly wookie
what’s a dragon out this fall with cool off the crowd all right so how’s it going to strap you were taking voice classes before when you get a slower Pace up for a bit cuz I’m busy working on a rewrite right now
yeah
break out the lower voice like the lower voice like my mom
why would you see her why would I say holidays and stuff back to my old my regular voice
the talking through my nose and stuff what do you think of it the tension he didn’t even need a coach for any of this he’s just changing his voice all around around okay give me the top 5 Business tips
close
Arizona weather
the great traditions
close the phone number for
Shepherd
I am hearing clothes thing flight clothes
number to listings for closers
number one business trip for the community center close
this is great great vocal coach advice
but now it’s me see this is what I sounded like before the top five choices in business
number 5
startling number one
I like that the worst one descending
number for clarifier Branston
play Baby fucking
I had a guy that had a girlfriend that wanted to put clothes pins on her nipples but we never did it how do you pass up that opportunity for me it would have been just like doing laundry
I wasn’t like oh I’ve always wanted to let me know if you want her to be happy but I just like where do you get clothes pins
girlfriend that had a tooth in her pussy
who’s like a bone Ridge
it was like it was like I don’t use such a fancy word for such a dirty moment
oh my God
it well it was like either like I got I would sometimes describe it as like he was like a cat
that’s don’t have fingers I’m telling you what it felt like
said you only have the things your dick is touched as a metric
lots of
it was like it was like a child Bonnet back of a child Bonnet are you guys watching the handmaid’s tale.
No I thought I saw the original movie Freaky that’s my Robert Duvall impression I want the first one of those and then I was like I always I always do is give up too quick on things like I watch the first of the first season of Fargo and then I was like it’s too much like Fargo something different from the television series it was too much
I mean the first big little lies that I was like all the people that are interested in all the stories but I just couldn’t didn’t mean it’s like she was stone-cold you know what I mean by that like really good feel like stuff like so hard like this like fucking the cup top of me
what what do you mean Kung Fu lake lake but don’t don’t like don’t like be like huh I think about it like don’t you think about it you made it TV show what do you mean think about it once the show is legal take Nicole Kidman can carry a story in a straight narrative like she’s unlike nonlinear storytelling serialized there’s no voice over in it but I get it I’m an old fogy like if I had my craft is like Gilligan’s Island are Knight Rider and like it doesn’t hit modular and it’s like it’s from an old world and
next week we have Rob corddry
he’s good he’s good he’s good he’s a good guest he’s a good version of a gas
too easy
how’s your how’s your butthole leave you
view my butthole how is my butthole or offended you mentioned your but you’ve shared with us that you obsess about your butthole you burnt it with us
my butthole is fine my butthole is big Dan you want to help me out here when he was a kid no no I was going to see if I wrote the biopic about this when he was a kid he is but very much or something I will say either did I but I didn’t go to this path like we were in our twenties Sports Locker Room like someone looked at shrubs underwear and was like what the fuck did they act like they don’t you ever wipe your ass and then he was like oh wait my like I always used to say I felt like my butt was itchy in my like your mom wouldn’t say then wipe your ass more I see if somebody blame your mom
so in your twenties you started to you you you quite compensating us about your butt and it became a kind of a fixation cleaning your butt taking a lot of showers everyday I know you had a girlfriend that was supportive of that she got you a special shower head that you could reach down there and but she went to Bed Bath & Beyond shower snake I would have to take a shower and clean out my phone and then you started doing was more and more hot water because
what’s the temperature if you depend on a region and the doctor said loves what is a third degree burn are we burn burn I mean it wasn’t their degree but it was it was he was in the doctor went what did you do to yourself here watching is a we watch that we did a marathon of the old Freddy Krueger show there was a show on in the 90s with a Nightmare on Elm Street 4 was out there was like like the peak of Freddy fever like Freddy had like a breakfast cereal he was
Friday Night videos or whatever and it was called Freddy’s nightmare nightmare on Elm Street series A Nightmare on Elm Street Freddy’s nightmares colon on Nightmare on Elm Street anything if there was like
people who had the rights to Freddy the character and then people who had the rights to Elm Street or something because that.
You had an anthology series that didn’t have a Jason Voorhees in it was like a like a shop of hers isn’t Friday the 13th and another group owns Jason that’s why the series with that cursed antique shops in Scooby-Doo which was Vincent Price hired Scooby and Shaggy to work in his door whenever they dropped a vase or something and he’s like
I want you to go out and give round up those ghosts but also a very spooky number 13 Ghosts
depatco get the back nine ghosts for a total of 24

you’re not supposed to do that soon anyways but that it be okay if you’re out there and you created but also the Night of the Living Dead franchise and it was an interesting one of the things I was fascinated with curing and it mentally how you know the reason that movies with the same as because of a bunch of mishaps that also unfortunately results
night of the flesh eaters in it at the last minute that changed the name of the title card but they forgot to put like copyright information at the drive-in theaters for free so they all did which was the ultimate distribution tool because there’s any money that’s why they remaking it every other reason why or how did it divided it was like anything that’s of the Dead is Romero’s property in anything that’s a dip time of the day
that is owned by forgot his name I can’t believe in anybody
what am I looking for
because they don’t want to advertise false expertise so I’m just dropping off anything to stretch the time at this point I mean I kind of the night if you use a trackpad or something and I was like oh God what are we going to do it in the first 10 minutes is like he’s burnt out or energy with those visuals there’s a mannequin with pantyhose on at night now what now what are we doing it’s like it’s like listening to a golf tournament
people enjoy that
a man moves up to the bed and tries to be followed us when she gives a fan it’s a fucking cricket
oh shit was a secret might drop that didn’t go nowhere. My grandpa had surgery birds all over his body he’s he’s gone now but he yeah he blew up in an oil tank not in the war but after he got back he was already a pretty old guy who’s already my grandpa and he and he blew up and it while he was welding the inside of a gas tank underneath gas station in all the Earth around the gas station gas goes down there and they are so I guess you go down with a blowtorch then sometimes they haven’t left the fan on long enough overnight to get all these gas fumes out of there
big explosion they said that the tools were melted to the floor of the gas I got to hide it was in there like the wrongs of the ladder to get out where like melted and he was in there as a human being made of of meat and he I remember about being a kid and going to the hospital and being terrified of of My Own Grandpa and he was like don’t be scared cuz he was like he should have been like a couch and it was worried about me being scared enough for welding from looking at a 90% of his body was like Sergey Brin so I don’t even understand how they did that there’s a skin graft from his butt or something can you skin graft in skin to grow
asking me how know what am I supposed to ask the fucking Surgeon General
yes you can do that. You know you should have said something don’t do that maybe was like his idea to go in while it was gas in there or something so you can sue anybody I don’t know what to do don’t do it I’m sure he would have been like no I’m you know he was he was he lied about his age to go fight in World War II like so I couldn’t get there fast enough and I’m sure he like didn’t want to get the baby didn’t the lawyer called me probably text you the Harmons cut from a steel cloth
I heard them more cuz it’s like it’s like the microcosm of the nation they like protected us and fought Nazis for real and like yeah and then we join him
complete Twinkies two socks we take you to this intelligence fired
who has the hardest job in your family
like how you spell hardest job with the next closest with me and my uncle that are brushes the sides of Vans and offended in my family but I don’t think they’re finding airbrush a jacket for you or know he’s he’s passed away he had he got brain cancer but it’s been a rough week for Grandma I think it’s like the Polish version of Nema is Booboo Chef she said she was I think it’s okay to say
she probably murdered a guy and maybe like but the story before I go back and visit my parents if she was she was she was living with a guy or he was like watching a football game and they broke into the football game and said like a three year old woman is being questioned in the stabbing death of a man in the end everyone jokes like 83 that’s got to be grandma and then the phone rang and
because she was just like a crate you know she was like really salty like very very salty he think I’ve told the stories about her that I have and then the letter they said she said he fell on the scissors like several times and she’s almost dead and then she lived for like 20 more years
leaving a trail of bodies as long as the Route 66 along the way between that and her natural death at Lake likely very late 90s if I think she might have broke a hundred did she said that maybe between that questioning for the homicide and the actual death she got her throat slashed by somebody that broke into her house to take her microwave because she owed them money and she and there’s a there’s a there’s a there’s a way you can start your criminal Empire my parents have the news footage on VHS of the of the doctor cuz it’s like it’s like she got she got her throat and she she she hung out at our house and
and then and then and then I was like there’s news footage of the dove that they do that they got like a woman got her like an interview in the hospital lobby with the doctor who performed the stitching
a woman came in
her throat had been slashed she was 91 years old Marple he’s like what am I a genius or is she Frankenstein’s monster I don’t know what or what he’s like he’s trying to figure it out he’s like no one told me this was going to happen in school I’m supposed to do it’s not supposed to work under those circumstances but you know I try and it works
she walked out he’s going like that’s the answer to your question I know you’re going to believe me but he’s just he’s a doctor he’s seen it all then yeah she used to and I don’t want to slander her cuz she’s lived
Devante shoes rate Amorous Switzer with the grandkids functional you don’t like she was she was she wasn’t like retired in the sexual Department she was like she was like they’re like 95 year old tuchus in the Sun and with the battle scar you’re the other performer in the family you should talk to Grandma Boucher about Vaudeville and everybody’s eyes you should talk to Grandma Boucher Vaudeville I finally like went up to her I’d like Easter something it says like Grandma Boucher what was Vaudeville like show good
she was like what she kind of like sheep sheet music what it what do you want to know and I was like what was it like
it’s like she was just like I was like fuck you man it’s like you don’t even want to ask Check n Go ask Grandpa if it’s like I don’t I don’t know what these words mean how is that was making your own baseball and a cork Uncle Tony told me to ask
I don’t know when I’m almost dead that’s what I’m going to be like what will making your own baseball holyshit
it’s going to take awhile for me to appreciate the stuff I think you’d appreciate the
that is crazy you know something catch the guy who did that
does women use microwaves or hate me
microwave.
Fruit
plug it in in my kitchen I can’t get the door open this is my house
okay I want some I want some grapes
and some banana slices
2 minutes should probably do it
will Fast Forward
nope
meanwhile at the board of banana and grape Farmers the microwave culture is upon us and our fruit takes too long to microwave kill people don’t freeze it anymore just take it off the tree so strong
your hands are so strong all your hands are so strong they look like little bananas
I know you love them so much that you’ll see
and I’m going to run away and it’s already frosted
am I dying cuz you got that boost your blood
and that’s how it happened you can’t kill a Harman I guess they don’t really die I mean that before like a thousand or whatever you drink yourself to death Nicholas p.
But we live long and yeah I know send it I like it I only have these things like come off of looks like a little fucking erasers and then I’ll be like is that cancer than like a week later or fall off or something in my sleep hair growing out of your ears and your nose nose ended up with barbed wire ears getting all big hit your head actually shrinks
shut up it’s cuz it’s like soft tissue and it’s like grits gravity but but like it look you look like Ferengi you like when you get old and I’m thinking of that for a senator
you should take my girlfriend side instead of measure and be a real asshole about it and he’d get out and get out of the dictionary and see see there’s a little over the A and the pronunciation guide
any move to Colombia what moon is he from St Louis and park my dad says he’s not like from fucking Delaware anything but he says washed at weird and Tanner is another one of the word bangle but you know I just like don’t ever what’s that whatever
all right so what about you
Spencer’s got it kind of a Nutty grandma is she still with us first name it’s g r a m a c right now
no she she went crazy she she has had bipolar disorder but but most recently that’s manifested in tyromancy pyromania
magical creation of Fire
did she waved her hands in a magical Manner and yeah she knows burning hands and I know okay so she ended up getting kicked out of my grandpa’s house because she would swear they related by marriage she would strike matches and throw them onto the grounds are sometimes carpet she would light on pieces of paper on fire and just toss them in the wastepaper Walk Away really fed me up when I would tell people about Boucher but I’m the ideal image in that sounds like a cool is Grandma ever
so we can do about it. It would have been cool if we saw that but we dealt on set pyromaniac what’s the biggest squishy ever burned down right now or anything. It was weird I don’t understand it but it was basically explains like a compulsion like she just did it kind of like for fun and absentmindedly like she didn’t really walk that she was doing it but who knows who was the character in Backdraft that’s what I was telling my mom Grandma’s just want to watch the world burn
grandma grandma what would you do if we let you out
but she she decided she wanted to own a hospital so she moved to Nevada and she bought the hospital up in like Sacramento cuz she was just handing out $20 bills on the corner
I hate you waive this 20 pasteurized
are you trying to burn anti-fracking me
but when she said it was like with swindlers because you know usually it’s good people that want to own a hostile I think but these were swindlers money from her but I know we were going to get lunch to visit her one time because it was crazy the whole state of Nevada smells like cigarette smoke do you want food or I can help you out or like oh what a shaman is she reaches into her own on her foot Boot and pulls out a package of 79 set Carl Buddig Honey Baked Ham no Grandma I don’t know what it says about her circulation or about I don’t know the thermodynamics but it was still frozen
just like Noemi in my shoe they Frozen
she could keep cold cuts in one second
just in case I mean no
the crazy shit my grandma was the head of the democratic party for Missouri yeah
there is no other I wish now though I do kind of wish
political you have a sister that’s like a hardcore activists right call me from fucked-up locations
who’s the craziest it’s the craziest thing you said your sister has a hard time like earning her way into these troubled spots because you survive in like I mean you could take it for me anytime before I stick my foot in my mouth when you’re trying to help people that are in a different neighborhood and hear you talk like this could be a little confusing to the Health Center Center black people so they felt like they had to get back so they would go down to like the help center they would do all sorts of shit
I was stingy like a cell phone that you crave so much of The Jeffersons definitely were not like the Freddy Krueger the series show on the show into some crazy locations where is the when they hear her talk there a little suspects there is there is there to create a diversion to do the latest March 27th March Sam went well the climate better now I am watching the conservative tweeters going like what is you going to have them
wake me up at 3 tomorrow so yeah yeah
and with the with the looming writers strike kind of an important Mayday is the Trump supporters like we’re listening so you can explain what may day is to me I don’t have no I have no idea what to what it what it is what is it made of
say I’m glad I’m brave for admitting I don’t know when you are brave 5 minutes so let me tie myself I’ll take you through the whole history of the country okay here we go let’s day I can make this a new segment stopwatch okay I’m going to go set wait ok Footloose two minutes to figure out how my phone works and then 0 hours
hey Siri hey Siri
Enterprise hey can you set a five minute timer please
okay so in 17 1492 Columbus came over and there were three other boats and then they landed on Plymouth Rock and then they had Thanksgiving with all the pilgrims and the Indians that were here already and the state of the Salem people came over and they are Puritans and they burned all the witches cuz they were on LSD and then and then and then things just kind of Blossom from there but he was kind of a rose eating potatoes and corn and ends it was fine but there was there was taxation without representation so we started to get ornery so a bunch of the college educated folks got together in a place that had a broken belt or they broke it later but in a sad way we should we should we should give Journey or death or give give it to me that way in that order and Declaration of Independence and came over and had Redcoats and then we were like we should fight dirty and is it to of Light by Landon one feisty and then we won because they were tired and then King George was mad
and so they gave their fine good luck having a country whatever and then we’re like fine and then 1812 happened there was a war that no one understands with Canada or something or slaves the whole time we were just like going to Africa and going these people seem like they wouldn’t know how what what farepay was we should use them to make stuff and then they were like I am I bid for this and that was kind of messed up and I don’t want to go too well on this part but no one ever does 3 minutes 3 minutes and 20 seconds.
Alan Abraham Lincoln who I think that you know some people I think some people say was half black but that’s maybe a conspiracy theory but he he was running for president he was like we should free the slaves with it but not is it and then there was a federal is the movement and then the South states were like you shouldn’t do that you just like we you we built the whole country had slavery and now you saying like how you just want to use the pants we made for free with a black people in that you don’t want to but you want to read poetry in them and then it was not just because you made a machine that can make dance now that’s not fair that we were like your teeth look dumb and and and and then then let’s go to war and and then and then and then like Abe Lincoln halfway to do it too then cuz I hate everything that’s why we won the North one not we the Federalist one and then we unify the country and then everything got shot and then
2 year. But they said that it said that it was like everything was finally ate potatoes and corn is definitely like made like a bunch of smoke stacks and then Henry Ford was like but if you made them so little they were basically slaves anyway and you made each person do like one little thing and then you bought everything other than Thomas Edison was like What if I was like but I think everybody was making things for a while it was making stuff and then and then and then and then and then because everybody’s making gunpowder into like small compartments and everybody was like I can’t wait to use these when I can’t use them to warn everybody
and then Archduke Ferdinand was like what happened
have to add it was like fucked up and All Quiet on the Western Front people eating rats age was and they were made herpes on their face and freaking died at 35 they recognize poetry and it was kind of like a quiet people didn’t talk about at the Dig trenches everywhere at Verdun and then there was like peace for a while but not in Germany because everybody was like sitting on that made them eat shit because they’re like you should be happy because you caused this kind of sick of hearing that Hitler’s like Jews in my right knee like yeah
and then everybody’s like here we go again except America was like
cash on the barrelhead for
in England was like for real and they’re like yeah you shouldn’t have fucked with us in the first place in the windows go back in 1612 or something and they’re like that’s okay we’ll just hang out and relax and profit we moved in or like
and everyone was like yeah we from the United Nations were like what was like that’s great and then we just went to 50 years and everybody get better shoes and TV shows and movies build skyscrapers and then leave them in the meanwhile the Middle East was like what about us we’re like them can’t hear you make us are loyal and
coronavirus coming I know you’re a plotting that cuz it’s a thing that ended that lasted five minutes but I wasn’t a good thing it’s like this really is I sound like I was rushing as like that was all the information I have like I don’t really have like extra details like like Greg proops know stuff about Cleopatra and stuff she was from Iowa
now you do it
right now I’m good are you sad are you sad you seem a little sad I was like you didn’t you’re like no I don’t want to order that was exhausting
today it’s a little bit country
sure is man
on this episode of Friends
text me when were you just wait for me to ask you if we’re going to hang out on Thursday scheduled it it’s like comes up in my calendar saying my tribe right and you bailed last week to find that I never even got a text from you
Steve Levy told me said Dan can’t make it tonight I figured he doesn’t matter I didn’t know what you might not be available Thursday and you just found out we stretched until 10:10 p.m. it was Cody’s family came to town Grace moving on Danny are you going to bail really open up her purse open it
open it from the channel in the purse reach in and grab a grab the first thing
I don’t actually know that and he’s taking a shit that’s an invasion of your privacy could be could be a PP a cigarette she might say we don’t know she could be a crime fighter with Bridget stay Bring Out Gymnastics
Bravo Wilson expensive concise goodbye rap for a first show here
let’s make it. Make it good to make a dress and an engine jump in there cuz you’re you’re better at it and that’s not racist
it’s been based on friendship not it’s not a snap judgement on making I have your beer you’re very good at it and you should have jumped in there traffic going to come in with with samples Channel films and television
damn Jimmy Jam Jam Jam Jam Jam Jam Jam my name is MC
microphone
in the rap game I am known as all alone
because I don’t spend a lot of time on my name
cuz rhyming is the majority of my game I don’t believe in self-promotion I only believe in the rapid motion I like to move my lips in my little tiny tongue I thought your mom was so hard she became a nun afterward
not because she was traumatized I like to think I spiritualize her pussy with my dick and gave me a lick and when I did it was a trinity and I fuck her so hard she wants more of me so I’m going over there next Wednesday is my dad would say
I don’t know if I could beat that I’ll be at your mom’s with a baseball bat next week and no more no more respect
outer space on the moon
all the old people come with me to ride with scooter everybody join my bad I’m going to slap your Mama Liked I know I’m not your mama
we could do it just for the dance tonight tonight tonight
you talked to Dad yesterday yes I did that yesterday
just put your fist like this 90�� to your elbows
shake it to the left shake it to the right turn off the lights to light everybody
where’s my cake it’s Father’s Day is my cave health insurance
you clear
and stop talking John Deere because
state fund break bite
I assume
you probably don’t know I don’t think it’s defamation I’m sure snow blower company probably advertises on Breitbart
do do do do
Chucky Chuck hold on sorry sorry sorry just give me a second. I don’t suck your mom
it’s like they’re always good but your dad like a piece of wood I went up his butt came out of his mouth went in his ear and went down south to his pubic area gave it a lick moved up his balls to the tip of his dick and put it in my mouth and chili James then I won the game called Daddy fucking don’t have to go give $200 you know if you blow your dad took Geronimo to come like a volcano in Germantown me yum yum yummy good and play Gin Rummy with your dad
I asked enough.
Call Amanda
Adventure Time games
then Auburn Avenue text comptroller Travis Johnson
we all love microwave we all love microwave good maybe I should turn that off
yeah alright fine she’s going to go to the bathroom next week

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