Episode: 246 – Your Description of a Birthday Would Make Vonnegut Kill Himself


Episode: 246 – Your Description of a Birthday Would Make Vonnegut Kill Himself


We learn some shocking truths about Spencer while Steve Levy fills in for him, Fred Stoller delves deep into the writing process of Seinfeld, Dan suspects our guest comptroller (Brandon Johnson) is a time traveler. Featuring Dan Harmon, Brandon Johnson, Steve Levy and Fred Stoller.


so happy to see you perfect in discussion very special guests at 3 tonight
I miss you so much Jeff Davis nobody more than me but I’ll be sitting in my name is Brandon Johnson
bring up the banner of harmontown I missed your Dan
thank you thank you very much
I don’t have any notes that don’t have any of those no-show there’s no show tonight but it’s a it’s a beautiful summer night thank you for coming out to Burbank where you see if you were here last week we started where it was zeroing in on the 8th start time this time I believe it was our fault I think we walked off at 8 so I don’t think we could have started the show Siri where battening down the hatches if that’s what you doing a shift when you’re making it a better ship I think that’s not what you do I think you just said it should we do in this short stiff ship Storm is Coming
yeah sorry Spencer’s not here I’ll tell you some things about Spencer says he’s not here
he’s a Libertarian he he voted for that misfired
listenership yeah I was going to say is a republican a joke so I went I tried to make something funny like if somebody said how old is that and then you think you could go like 85 + 785 Spencer’s 85 and a republican support of a fucking hardcore Master race Republican is them a pox and he doesn’t he likes dungeons a little bit hates dragons never uses Dice and we got them I moved in this new space because people kept saying I owe that would come in from out of town I want to see Spencer so I applied lifted him up and put him over there and put a mannequin behind them and
but didn’t I can’t show up cuz you know why you know where he is he’s he’s he’s
sport not even for
he’s a hunting whales for sport do you know where he gets his his the oil for his whale Harpoon Gun which uses twice as much oil as a whale generates
zebra he uses zero oil to hunt whales
you tell me about the puppy dress he made
didn’t even wear it with his Ivory sewing machine
conflict ivory
not regular free-range though the elephant knows it’s been raised to give Ivory Ivory like actual fucking like there’s a there’s a Gaza Strip of the ivory poachers and I know this is challenging for you but there’s two kinds of poachers and one is technically relative the other kind the good kind of poacher and Spencer is not on their side the exploited them that I’m sure you’d feel sorry for if you were sealed in a room with only poachers and it only known them that’s the poacher the key xploitz right alright well just a little old me with his lack of a show O boy let’s go to Burbank and pay what is it $5 now
oh there’s they’re creeping it up
$5 is like like like it’ll be half price like they don’t have what they paid at meltdown and then we can be twice as bad and it won’t heal steel Break Even how much was that drink
okay we’ll see
it was an optional. Yeah it cost you a dollar cuz there was a jar that made you feel guilty the cost of being a human is a dollar the drink was free otherwise we’re under arrest on Speakeasy but thank you thank you you’re welcome here sir you’re not Mike but you’re welcome here yeah I mean I’ve spent I’ve been doing this thing I like I ran in last minute because but this is really valuable for me I I started making these little GarageBand songs and music videos and put them on Instagram and I’ve been very it’s been breached their pubic for me cuz it’s not something I’m supposed to be good and I’m not a musician no wrong I am it turns out only the free software and the end only using my phone and and my and my little Ear Pod your earbuds microphone and anything that exceeds that I’m like cuz I
the hobby not a profession so I’m not supposed to be good at it so it was very relaxing me as having a really good time and shirting out he’s amazing little hits of we cannot wait these little what is quite a Wordsmith
oh shit okay here we go from here just like like run around and shoot stuff like like like me pooping and stuff and then I’d like to put it together in lumafusion the iOS is Premier nonlinear editor
we lost Brandon we lost them it’s not a good show 2000 hizo you picking nothing up to hear the story. Don’t pick up then Cody gets sick she’s got like a throat thing or something some kind of throat thing and it’s like she’s quarantine so we can’t see each other so I’m like I’m going to make
thank you Chris he got the phone to work Steve lady is putting in the phone for you oh you play me put in my phone are you plugged in this my phone you’re an Instagram public figure that’s how it works okay alright
I want a lot of Star Trek II and I would really make me Miss Spencer because that the relationship between Kirk and Spock is I’m not sitting down makes me miss Spencer a lot but that is straight-up racist but before you could even be regular racist like in a millennial says it was like not only white forget about we’ll talk about Michelle Nichols in a second and the treatment of every character in all the women but but but we are now living in a Camelot
of progression historians will look back on 2017 to say they were really understood they really got it doggone are dollar next week. Do whatever you want down here stupid
women’s I don’t like them when you guys only hurt that aliens will never hear it man I got like these people were fascinated with this man who was so strange and wonderful I guess cuz we are we don’t know any three letters and do all of them a genius and so we have no life we we sleep for a million years just to make bread
is it comes all the way around like they are like genetically washed-out we must have text people and replenish our DNA with 8 man and cow anus
I love this recipe already
you could make a coffee table book no don’t be ridiculous I am positive the meme Lords
then keep keep trying and I’ll be back with more Italian is that we already tried that shut up Star Trek is it that jacked up but I’m saying like that show didn’t even know that non-white people belonged on TV yet and it was still racist because they made up or race called Vulcans and all they did was bust his balls the whole show because he only had one thing about him he was just like look I have one gimmick it’s kind of easy to understand sort of my religion I have a funny haircut pointy ears and its associated with the fact that I only deal in logic I don’t deal in room motion and then they’re like okay got it started and that’s at the end of every episode they feel like course that was kind of feeling wasn’t it and he’s like
like when is this going to get funny like I can’t hear that if I can impish music like I can only yes and you logically I know that’s going to make you even funnier but like what if I what if what if Spock was just like you’re right
and then they be like you need to hear that like flu that comedic Star Trek Loop
but then it stopped respecting them right because he’d stop saving their life all the time and he wouldn’t be able to throw them through walls and the kid from a guy like this is Andre he’s from he’s from Strike and it’s where the hardcore is a cheese would be too short and too tight and be like one ball hanging out awkwardly there was a guy from Barcelona that came to our high school feels like exchange students like super that they come from like warmer climates maybe a richer or something like I would do a shity high school like I don’t know anyone I can bummed out
and then and then to be in our little 600 hit High School in this Brown Deer Wisconsin and the kids were just like so fascinated for the first 2 weeks so like sit hey say they say safe in the balls or whatever whatever
I said just say go away or ignore the principles codes I didn’t say you needed the kid just ignore play safe for work and it is like what does this mean
North Fork is funny that doesn’t when you grow up and start practicing, when you find out that doesn’t qualify as a joke
is someone and look for them to seek clarification it’s not funny it wouldn’t work if you saw it on SNL they wouldn’t you know they wouldn’t get I’m not saying that’s a gold standard but they wouldn’t they wouldn’t they wouldn’t say the sketches ready to go third grade style like 5th grade joke
the roof comes off the school and Andre said no and then he says it again like because either he’s going to play bodies like that was a real North Florida
an antenna that’s how we consume people that’s what we do or should I wear just a big enough that Society is where individually were wonderful people are better than the giraffe sound sound like a broken record but the Chimpanzee is a beautiful Beast like and we are basically chimps the thing that we created by becoming the perfect chance which is society a byproduct I would say a wasteful by-product at this point we’re all choking on it Society is like carbon monoxide from a car like it’s exhaust Society has been created around us access Society Society probably wouldn’t complain about if you’re running through the Apocalypto forest and there were people behind you going like you know you don’t have a society so we’re going to kill you and then your Society came the other direction or Through the Jungle to be like thank God for society but that’s just gang shit in a jungle then you start like making things is a grind your food instead of a level and then get cut to you know the stuff that we re in right now are you
like looking at Twitter and you’re getting mad cuz there’s a guy with a shirt that says Buckle Fama and you’re like you can’t Square
you don’t know how to swear what are you what are you sure you don’t want to you don’t want to Sully your fucking for brain with ass profanity it’s a free country, you fucking really murdered
I wouldn’t want to use the F-word but let’s just say that persons not human
where was I at on mass and we do what we do is starting on the playground we see individuals and we start practicing a little bit different okay and then there’s the kids all of them became my listeners who are in or like the further away from the blob there’s never going to be any coalescence it’s going to be it’s like way over here so the blob goes like
just visiting not coming over here what’s with your shoes and they’re going to lie I fail to see the logic in while you’re asking who she was
or the suckers go come on guys I’ll try a little harder next time I kind of follow the blah blah. They’ll never be a part of and it was like those are the people that can blade that have the tattoo on the back of their neck though the Rawls that the glitch slaves the the the familiars leave the beer in the fridge that will then run out into the night or the day time for Dracula and go do whatever rent rent for in Pros what the hell is that guy is Springfield Renfield
what do you want a schedule anything for me tomorrow yet
it’s Memorial Day okay but I didn’t know that when yeah you didn’t remind me to schedule that day who asked you to schedule something malls
okay that’s writing work
no not to Lenard Smalls who’s Leonard Smalls I could work with her tomorrow if I wanted
whatever that is
so you want me to cancel now cuz we’re way behind on that yeah because there’s no you know there’s not a guest over there
just got a few calendar items I want to clear my day tomorrow
one person’s time on stage of mine real wizard about it old friend Fred Stoller
oh, I’m already all sweaty so I didn’t want to like I’m glad when they don’t and you come up here and you can you seem like a guy I’ve known you a while and you’re always a guy that knows how to just have fun and go crazy and don’t try too hard like you know how to do what you were talking about like the pressure cuz they didn’t pay a lot and when I use the headline and stand up which is very brief I used to feel sorry for the people waiting online to see me headline on the comedy title then you’re great so hopefully you could pull up the slack of this
I’ll be here all night time I go in first or the confidence when I saw the people lining up to see your show and I walked pot buy them and had no idea who I was and the whole show he’s Whispering you better had look familiar is what I got to do I know you from in and I list my credits and if it’s a single mom that I do that kids animation
the monkey from Mandy Manny is your daddy not around
just ignoring the kid and trying to talk to the mother are you are you a bachelor right now and tell me you by the way I don’t know if I’m ever crying or anything you don’t know why I like Greg proops I forgot pop pop culture is nothing personal.
I knew he did something kind of Fame I would say I would I would wager there’s plenty of people that wouldn’t maybe see your face and go oh that’s what that guy is but then when they say it where do I know you from it doesn’t matter what credit you choose cuz as soon as you start talking to you and I’m so glad someone broke up the isolation and now I’m bothering them only they do anything is I did one Seinfeld just a few Raymond’s and people think I’m rich right like they point to the Hollywood Hills he must live up there and I typically show them the exact little apartment
that’s a new thing called celebrity net worth that he looked up yourself on this and it’s very wrong it’s 1.5 million and so I’ve had dates that one woman so people now look at my credits they see a lot of stuff that went and there was stuff had most of my income or something must have come up like whether I’m fancy or Richard because it must have been somebody posted as if like Spike football this link is going to be a link to is this how you get like doxtor whatever you guys I like and I clicked on it and it was this thing like yeah like what are they worth. Org or something like that
$5000000 I was like wow how liquid are they like what if I sold everybody money now that I’m in right like I get to just go I’ll never see that money however I do have a stake in it so it’s like I’m 70 years old. Shack for like Hot Topic Rick slippers will come in or something and I’ll be like
that the Right medical technology or they’ll be able to just feed those checks into the machine that keeps my heart beating had more beat
picture of your of your 70 years old most your average person lives 2:35 today should you hear the gunshots outside can you smell the sulfur in American money
Tulsa tricking money now people are now if you were sad because you know you know the show business from following him but I was at this thing hey do you got checks you know the game with Larry David hey it’s Chelsea is Seinfeld I was on checks are coming to how much for the answering a question I used to stand up and I fell into it during the 80s comedy boom but you know when you were alive or that’s how a lot of their parents conceived them cuz they were both of their parents had an open mic stand up boom and here they are armed and believe it or not and do people have different ways to make it you’re going YouTube you see this and that but I only knew like a stand-up someone I thought to make it as an actor your parents have to put you in The Brady Bunch only chill
another reason to hate my parents for not putting Fred in the TV show like you fuck and
like they know they were supposed to do that so then I went to a kid in your thinking about the people on TV you’re like how else would they yeah you don’t know what like I said whatever the hell are these links like this is how you make it like I probably want to Bennett stand up if I tried now I don’t know what I would have done but you didn’t you just Savvy with ever been on an impromptu him yeah I would have been so good as you could see some ridiculous generalization the internet has changed some things for the entertainment of the biggest change is basically the size of the waiting room for auditions like that. That’s how I put it like a specially for actors actors how do I get my start as an actor
but they’ve been doing that for 15 years and all it does is that’s they might as well be doing that I mean they can make $1000000 doing that and never get into Hollywood but then google’ll say sorry fart smarts been shut down now I grew up on it and it’s like so many more opportunities now will know this is just more bullshit you know what I was kind of Hollywood there weren’t so many things but they were like real things like a pot on Murphy Brown amen or something was like a big deal did 90s late 90s it was like a person would get a spot on a sitcom like they’d be like the pizza guy that hits on Dharma & Greg clone
and some meat delivery guys yea it’s out there so many more opportunities but it’s so saturated and have parties we would have to everybody why everybody would show up at that person’s apartment chip chips and nachos and chips and nachos a fucking I’m going to kill me or else I’m going to kill myself at this stage for next week maybe he’ll kill and murder yourself I would come through on what you do is be your friend and you go to someone ordered pizza and turn up the music and friends would say where were you wanted me to hear you’re getting the middle so how much of that shift do I have to say
I know I usually usually I like something out because they’re so concerned about something about 75% of the time becomes fruitful on my clock what is this person you’ve lost your mind we’re talking about ninjas are dolphins or something and you keep talking to go with you want to just come up here so that you’d stop ruining the show and talk to the microphone and then they come up with several of them become part of the show and Enzo it’s a fun night part of the show it’s like a town meeting but then I have gas sign and then somebody goes like butthole the butter and then I can have I can see you’re nervous just means I’m failing because it does if you’re honest and up club like Kumail if you know Camille nanjiani
restart like when people talk in the audience I could see his leg I can see it like like Iron Giant like like like a phone when you’re close so you’re saying your fucking idiot okay
when your train didn’t stand up what I did to you like I said the comedy boom in the 80s then when I started getting some guest spots but we think we’re bombing cuz I come in a Murphy Brown hey I’m the delivery guy guy suck it up and writer and there was no writers room did you know how Seinfeld works not really I was brought in in the 94-95 season again before you’re born and what happened was I knew Larry David from the New York stand-up days and he would kind of taunt me which are like a piece of shit you make everyone feel uncomfortable cuz you like a handicapped guy walking around
and that’s really what he said to me I was at my friend’s surprise birthday party this became a curve episode he came late I want to stream surprise video.
Myself so he went to everyone in 94 was writing a spec script you know for Seinfeld and you know how come you never see it like this again people are Savvy I thought when you wrote on his sitcom you make the salary I didn’t know that sitcom writing became five jobs a head like the idea is not to hey I’m going to write on Seinfeld and make whatever mm a week would be sorry if you’re at home right now
turn up a little bit. And the ice is completely everything you want and what I mean is now people who you went there and the community writers but they know what to dirt that’s why I couldn’t function in writers room because everybody was from Stanford and Harvard and I’d be like every time we got in a fight about coffee I’d be like
when I was temporarily on Seinfeld which I unplugging I had a Kindle single called my Seinfeld year did anyone hear this but it made him laugh and one person alright and we will be handing out copies at the end of the show
the actual thing is I’m happy to see you but only disappointed because thinking I was going to plug I have a new one and I sent Jeff Davis the PDF of it to save a dollar 99 would but it costs picking up your day is great I want to make sure I understand that you said Jeff Davis a PDF of my new book of your new book okay thinking you know go hey I don’t want him to spend a dollar 99 Disney Springs called Kindle singles Village yet I know a dollar 99 people make fun of them and I yeah dude send it to me and so could you pretend it’s really good 5 minutes to calendar I could change my life I’ve read a lot of authors and this book your book the book all right yeah it’s making your book into at least a four-part movie series
it goes you know cuz I would pitch things for my life which was just fucked up you know something bad happened that he’s kaieteur never unemployed a millisecond and they’re alive but they learned how to do the Larry formula of just in sin doing things so so basically there’s no room you know what to write his room is right okay okay
so basically you have to come up with a Jerry Kramer Lane and who’s the fourth one I mean are you still in bed so you have to pitch there’s no room like no it’s trying to come up with stories together my analogy it’s like a homicide division we’re trying to solve murders but our own murders

the fuck you I’m doing the Daniel’s murder usually shut our door we don’t help you so I’m walking around and I’m not making this up, up my book my Seinfeld Jerry check it out I I talked about some people and I got sued and I have a restraining order against someone I didn’t mention his name a writer and I called him a pseudonym and he would see lately when Michael came out he would pound on my door guy named fuck you you ruined my life you know because I haven’t worked in 10 years because of your book that’s been out three years and
hahaha I read my book looking for someone to blame yes yes so he would like banging on my door and leave notes and he had this fixation we would get on dr. Drew and and he believed I was going to tell the world what a piece of shit you are in dr. drew that was his Manifesto like thinks that I know doctor juice so well that we were going to go on his podcast and I would confess what a piece of shit liar I am is some bullshit I think was like oh I got this deal you should get us on some dr. Drew so I can get some money to get this episode when guy pretended to be my mentor psych now I’m here but but I’ll show you the ways I was I’ve made myself look like an ass self a listening to this guy so I was the one to put myself down in the book that I’m such a schmuck I don’t believe that you would put yourself down
I feel like it must be another one of these and I always felt about Howard Stern in what way he goes yeah I’m cool then he puts himself down I didn’t you see that dichotomy in the Howard Stern said something like I don’t I don’t know but you’re amazing and I thought that’s why you were jealous of you because you love your voice like taking a poop on stage when I was living in Milwaukee had moved to LA and you were you were you were the one of those like five-six and used to be a thing like there was so many comedy sentence some of these cable evening at The Improv Paul provenza Mario Joyner
make a marginal living doing the same set every funeral on all these dates the A-list we called it all list cuz everyone was like you were like someone to come up with a hammer and their head say I am Hammerhead and people would laugh and then that person would be kind of fun for 10 years but you weren’t one of those but but the funny thing is that you were so on point you were so true to your own voice that I’ve been a lot of people think you’re doing a character like I did because you would come up on stage and you would you stop laughing and then you would say something like yeah I’m kind of thinking I’m like hey that look at the look at the cool guy or a bit of a thrill-seeker i whatever you know you had your drink milk that expired yesterday
play the laugh and that’s the thing is that that’s yet that seems to be part of your voices that you’re like why is that funny well because that they looked at you and you said was something that they were taking Remeron Louie Anderson’s bait when he would say fat jokes and then he actually did like three minutes of bad jokes he take a pause and then he’d say I always have to open with the fat jokes because if I didn’t someone in the audience to be sitting there saying to you think he knows
and and and that is like a thing of like like like it’s a it’s about Essence it’s like what Sam Christian centers of the class that I took in right here in Burbank you told me and you said you’d guarantee I get laid if I took it and you’re going to pay you know because you didn’t pay you said you was going to pay for the lake yeah he’s looking up Sam Christiansen never learned over compensation like these Scrappy guys a I’m Greg Fitzsimmons or whoever I’m Scrappy
I feel embarrassed yeah I like saying hey I’m great and all that stuff so like I said I got into stand-up because it seemed the way I my idol was like Jimmy Walker I never saw a guy like him skinny black funny-looking you looked away and funny-looking engage like the third person to show you nothing really important person in this show and then a third person we’re not ignoring three different and talk to you about this at fourth one and I went to a show where it was it was it was right when they do the stand-up thing gateway to story-tell
so now I was allowed on stage with you guys and like like a Beth lapides show or something like that in LA and like one thing I did was like cuz I’m such a master Storyteller has been just stuck at my head like what the fuck did that sound like the cabaret shows any likes you have a drink and you say my dad hit me in there like that’s great. There’s a drink Marc Maron and Scott Thompson I think was there and it was almost outnumber the audience and I was like right on that bubble where it’s like they must have talked about canceling the show there’s like six people sitting there and then three and then the other two performers and I remember distinctly like it was such a weird thing that Marc Maron while he was on stage she coped with the with the
weird sensation of Performing to do only that many people I’d never I’d only met him for the first time that night but he just kept on I may be my Notch louder or something but he will act to me but it really filled me with confidence I think I killed with the six people afterwards but when you’re when you’re talking about comedians how they you know like a man I’m blaming the old days when I forget names the guy you know Silicon Valley Dinesh goddamn email. Which sounds funny and it was the two kids grew up Harrison Grill and Pat Jennings so sad and Candler it they would just working Paramount had these tours going through
an acting class you have comedians are you doing the scene but the other people the laughs what you just said about storytelling bring back to the Seinfeld writing so this guy would always say I’ll tell you what the pitch laugh cuz you have to approach his door and knock and come in and pick Jerry Kramer Lane and George story and you can’t do anything till or prove that the approach is not a good time bro not a good time and me and I was so insecure I tried everything out on him there’s no no and and kind of ended up sabotaging me and sometimes one thing I learned from writing and said there was no room you totally on your own the one lesson I’ve learned for Riders and I’m sure you could have tested this is when you try things out on Friends people smart people only tried out on a guy that could say yes or no because he said no no no I’m concerned that’s not good
cuz they stole it but because they tried it out on Larry David asked these middlemen well because not because there’s anything to defend your correct but because I find this fascinating that every show is different and I’m surprised E2 to hear that but like a lot of shows do you have just the rooms where the people sit in the room and then there’s like one Community works like that because that’s how I understood it to work or rather maybe that’s what Neil and Garrett who worked on Scrubs and we’re helping me like one my freshly moist like 97% into work and you sit and then you got a bunch of it’s like a police station where it’s like you got your you’re gone since yesterday so how is it going in that room in that room and then they people kind of go off back to there so there’s always like one person is working on a draft or an outline there’s like a couple people working hopefully if you’re
play Healthy that they’re a joke room and they’re punching stuff up and then there’s a story breaking room I had no idea what was going on you totally so you couldn’t do anything once I made a mistake I tried out this idea Kramer does a one-man show called One time my uncle hit me in the hood that’s good so I’m writing it up and then I bring Larry in my what the fuck is that a fucking put things on the board until I see it you can’t.
seems to be a joyful guy I know he’s grumpy just delighted to say sorry to me so you can’t do anything until these stories are connected so I would like one time I stood outside the room trying to patch I waited an hour and he’s too aggressive guys from Harvard when right in and then they text it went right in front of me I’m so exhausted from waiting I went in my room is not for an hour so it go play Pinball you know walk around and what time he passes too so he wasn’t the worst guy cuz he said something nice for a moment because I see that you have a good night because Jesus that’s the nicest thing
doing Norm Macdonald Way open for don’t get me started you can’t do a story with your Larry David all right it goes off when I was right outside my office was right by the elevator and all the right is with work by for lunch and not include me so I know it you know I see you’re not part of the click you go so you got to get aggressive you find me on that does the floor you look and you hey hey hey Larry I had this idea that she’s in mr. I don’t know if you remember who he was and I said what if he gets into it with the Jerry Stiller’s character stupid idea
it’s all right I did tell you to try things out on me but that was fucking stupid Freddy
I did tell you but not that shift seems to me like like you know schrauben you know our friend I was right you is that he sees in me but he doesn’t like about himself cuz if he when he was on Saturday Night Live he didn’t like any of those big writers but then one is this thing so he started and stand up with him and Gilbert Godfrey that goes me you and Gilbert with a three dick is fucking losers
you guys Friday your only chance of getting a woman is if you are you blind cuz you’re doomed our cue from Brooklyn. We went to the same high school I don’t know you start something so basically I got the job was Steve Grogan and if you know who he is and it doesn’t help in the story birthday party in 94-95 before they got this influx of the ivy league guys he went like Tire on stand-ups from his New York days and they would end so it was almost like the beginning of platoon where they go you’re going to like the numb you know cuz I had friends of mine that we will just stay with the same thing but they had camaraderie for New York stand-up came in and they’re totally on their own and you weren’t sure if you were supposed supposed to start up a story so he kind of got a kick out of you know because you know you let it shooty things happened to you maybe you could use the shity things from your life you know
so he goes what how come you never wrote a spec script because right one nothing will happen but I will read it
and I wasn’t gonna cuz that wasn’t the route I wasn’t smart like I said people now they know what I mean they’re five jobs ahead is I thought you know you make a salary now all the guys and at lunch with Kat Executives with Castle Rock on the next three Deals and I’m saying I wasn’t Savvy could get laid as a writer I was back in time and makes me feel. I feel so bad I don’t want to be rude I never I know Comics they watched the Rob Petrie Dick Van Dyke and they want to be around a table I just want you to be a character actor you. I mean I didn’t know that houses and Ukiah right on sitcoms and it never appealed to me like you know you see the run-throughs that like how is moving on to Jerry’s apartment then you see if I’m going to ride for glad they look like cows
writers did I walk before they would be people dying to have Larry David read this I felt spec script you know so I said let me just write one just in case like the next Dan Harmon go saying Fred you have a spec script I have one ready cuz it gets there nothing will happen or that Dan Harmon and again I look for a Seinfeld script to see how it’s done and my friend help me with the format and in my spec script I use the story based on many years ago when you’re allowed to keep my new book I wrote everything is back before the internet. You know you have a cell phone and before before they were is the internet memory when it was
what is no such thing as a blind date unless your name is like Phyllis Smith cuz you all of this is what she looks like what she makes you know you get pictures Facebook to someone wanted to set me up with a woman but she was a way for the winner of The Hamptons till the summer and I’m so excited I want that have the visualization to be excited I thought of a funny bit where what if I hire a police composite artist the schedule she looks like you’re all right yeah looking forward to that so that was part of the spec script and then I once this thing end up using Seinfeld I won’t matter woman in London and was unbridled sex this was 1990 when I roll 96 I remember I confess to her I haven’t had sex in six months ago so long I remember when that was so long while I wish it was that raised him
in 1990 we had no idea how to dress New Year’s Eve
we can’t just start acting like hippies to We Will by 93 but shall I put in the story line when I flew her to LA and was almost like she gave her ticket to women that look like I said If you flew me here just for sex and she if I said why instead of hardened sheets grunge so like this stuff and I was brought on and just has a quirky guy and then I’m front on as a screen like what so rewinding from that before that spec Triumph what were you doing you were at the office you were being abused by co-workers that you weren’t getting paid waiting time and I’m confused you may have been a slave and it’s still legal
meaning of what I meant is that the strategizing writers now I’m speculating you don’t go g I just got a writing job on community you go food at the cash then I’ll be able to pick pitch FX shows I see what you mean. OK Google, that’s hardly the end of any Rainbow Preschool program consulted I’m making $2,200 week we were at school now they think Seinfeld debut on lunch getting their next DLC 5 jobs ahead is what I meant to say car baby I’ll put words in your mouth or maybe one I’ll just say my own is that the reason that’s really true is because you could get that far you could have a staff writer job on a sitcom but then vote because of what happened to the industry and technology and because of the fact that you’re right you’re competing with
aggressors you’re competing with professional everyone that can hurt me in the business play some of them but there’s a there’s a DNA there I was like dog dog breeds because it’s like there’s dogs that are good there’s like her but he’s so he let you know part of being a good joke writers that he drives that person that person so nuts he has to fax his jokes in from home but they’re so like vibrant in the room that their jokes seem funnier by 20% and then these other people who are different breeds like they end up pushing joking because there’s the there’s the breed of
pugs are evil but but not kidding kidding kidding I know the owners are driven by their protectiveness that’s why I made that joke you can’t talk shit about pug that’s the point of that breed it wouldn’t exist
but for the of surplus of protectiveness in the human breeders that bread it it can’t breathe unless you cute if its face every 3 weeks it is a dog that is falling apart is a pile of dog it looks like you spilled the dog and their eyes pop out there I mean it’s a dachshund I’ll tell you what do you use to clean cannons
I know every breed they all had to use anyways they would clean them with dachshunds hugs and kisses are so that we can feel angry about the first two years of his life and they do not age well a pugs are ugly as fuck in all polygons are no way for a part of a ill-advised program to breed rescue dogs
the murder of an ill-advised program to breed rescue dogs laugh but no breeding them fight it out cuz it’s like oh that dog has three legs and one I am going to rescue it no it’s a pug gets it could be a thoroughbred and it’s also elicit that feeling cuz if you look at a pug you go like that’s that’s that’s my I’m not Underdog that’s me and grade school it’s me and I spell the little girl dressed as a bee in The Blind Melon video that’s what that’s what a pug is
cuz sometimes. Since you want to be tempted but do not know that’s the kid that was into sportscasting until you all the basketball players that he was cool my job I just did the right is question which I don’t I don’t know if they care about the stuff you think it’s easier to fake being a writer on a sitcom In Like A show like Breaking Bad or Justified like a guy could just be aggressive and loud and throw a joke she could fake million-dollar career and sitcoms but can someone faked that in the world of those drama can be sure I understand the question cuz I do want to answer it but I don’t understand what sounds like you were saying or maybe I’m saying that you could fake your way to a nice career in the sitcom at a table
fake it just by making jokes and not really being as good a writer but this more of a skill set is what I’m thinking it was 1 hours you can’t fake it can’t be loud about Princeton dies unless fraternal Bunch so they probably aren’t as easily pissed off and the few I’ve talked to about this will confess that only a matter of a couple of drinks before the comedy writer says admitted it’s easier and they go yes
I like whatever I just want to make sure because I wasn’t I didn’t mean to imply I didn’t want to be too cynical and say just because there’s all these different breeds of writer write it first of all you do that writers could work as a pack which is again how much my better for is awesome he is an achievement of the species because writers are supposed to be subjected to the Henry Ford principle should have been the death of entertainment we should have been in the area that we’re in now in terms of our definitions of comedy and stuff way back when the first there was more of you as being forced to do that and they’re the worst there
mystical their defensive they’re expensive and they’re they’re too thin to thick skin to the wrong way is that you know there are the monsters and then they go fuck it then we’ll have rules for that and will send it to me that’s analogous to the Seinfeld writers room with more unnatural but I think that’s probably what they doing my name is Samantha is your bunker fuck you you die or figure it out and that’s what a good pack does my connection to you is that is the self abuse to me you can’t stop like you you just do you have a picture of a potato and one hand and a potato peeler at the other end before you ever come
how to feel like the potato you’ll be like fun you will be fully peeled yourself but but
Radiohead not Fraser Batman getting eaten overcompensate we know that breed that’s a dangerous breed that’s that’s 85% of like like people who guys who are nerds and then they go well but I was funny and then they think that that stick that says they were funny and then they start using it in a way that they wouldn’t have if they didn’t have that stick so it’s like it’s a weird thing but it’s like well if you’re fucking a victim and someone gives you the power because of they like watching people who faked them it’s it’s hard and your voice you’ve always had that voice you’ve always been that guy for real that are always been drawn to it and some people have been drawn to abuse you and Norm Macdonald what is open for him and
bring me to change something they don’t know. Didn’t happen Fred was going to pull him cuz I think I yeah I think there’s a morning Tate there’s a guy I’ll tell you later but I don’t want to turn on this crowd why don’t you do that Friday this wedding when it has no say I grew up there was no such thing as nerds there whenever she’s sad sacks nerds are like cool and it’s like you know now there’s a lot of comedians nowadays schwabe and you know that this like this guy good guy Matt and he’s a great guy but if he were pop culture you referencing Matt Myra but
that I want to do it to be cool for this thing it’s embarrassing things cooled so now it’s sort of like the old nerds ever picked on someone said the Nerds now I would like the bullies yeah I remember back in the 90s when this was starting a Bobcat Goldthwait I’m stealing is lying all these like Largo people because they’re all so cool like cancel each other out and so it’s yeso nerd became cool and I resent that Andy Kindler who is awesome at moving with that resentment and maybe that’s not your essence like like I have a problem with
tired I am a problem with him I’m 5 minutes away
have rooms it’s like I’m nervous is The Biggest Loser people cuz I resent them I wish I could be pushy in Irving so I resent Keller cuz he could choose he’s good at it and crafts in traffic and there’s some small part of you that’s like god dammit that person is winning at life I have never cut anyone off in traffic which means that I have
so much more of my life and fucking anxiety and thinking about other people than I needed to because that person never thinks about fucking anything and had that time for Pokemon or so and I I don’t like like I just want to
I want to make sure you understand and I think you do I do I do I don’t feel bad for me I’m happy because I could never survive in the writers room I want you to know like how prudent it is how strategically Justified it is for you to stay Pooh you are because it ends up paying big money or whether whether you have to lie about what you can live with in know I can sit at you no text me when I was younger it was more like comparing myself why aren’t they this but it’s really so liberated when you get older when you’re out of the games of women and women and trying to get pilot season when it’s all over now I can do what I like to do I’m too old to be picturing it on my own show and it’s sold
everything cuz you just doesn’t make any sense to me as I told you when I saw you upstairs I was dreading seeing you cuz I haven’t seen you in three years and everyone that I haven’t seen in three years is going to make me feel like I’m 90 years old because I’m melting at a parabolic rate in what the fuck does that mean I have a reputation with a girl you talk to what the fuck like I said I was I was like yeah I was doing my impression of you cuz you’re fun to do an impression of him sure that makes you very happy the extra money has voice overs and then I got really scared Fred you could you could draw on a cave wall even if you hadn’t gone to Art School like
play inside and out Fred is so significant so right archetypal and so pure and and now I’m going to see him and there’s going to be something is going to spoil that for me like something it was equally beautiful but if I’d known you for twenty years at the other thing but you know whatever that is why why would you not be pitching your life but I don’t shows a weird older guy you know I’m not this point it’s point of view for web series they like the idea let’s do it I can get some YouTube stars like oh do you know any time I tried
it’s more famous than you that will help us out who your friends and your father Fred Willard again no no more bothering Fred Willard I always bother him and end there still landlines and I was trying to write monster house and for some reason I was doing a lot of cocaine and I I think it was because I just found out how easy it was to buy in LA and it was so hard in Milwaukee and I was like I don’t even like Coke but now it’s so cheap like
I just had like a CD case there was you think of CDs do turned them and listen to them with a laser needle and it was covered with like Coke residue and then I’d be trying to figure out why our house would be a monster and then the phone rang and it would be calling me cuz we had just made friends and you are like the idea that I was the Paragon of confidence for you was says a lot because you’re not calling me for advice I’m like what is just perfect in a grocery store like you if you look for the park cuz I’ve been driving and I went I went to the I went to the store today and I just drove away I couldn’t handle the pressure anymore
you you couldn’t handle the pressure of barking at a grocery store and you called me know you you intimidated make it the last few times I bumped into you really like Angry Dan I mean at imitating so Larry David know I don’t like half moon rocks in a full moon I’m just hit a fucking get laid saying like I was in a bad place. I didn’t say that but that helped a little bit a little bit of hair I bumped into her since and I’m so jealous she was sweet and and you said I’m just here to fucking get laid I don’t think you said fuc but you said the cat lady
the fuck all this you know this nature bulshit but at that time I was nagging it like like there’s a dozen of that red pill shaped like I had come into my own as I come out of a relationship where I was like I can’t remember what this was in between where it’s like the justification I had was for about a year I just was that was a pig but that’s but not like I don’t think I was abusive. I was a pig woman said to me which I will always remember cuz I thought it was at 8 actually summed up exactly what I was doing and she was a customer that was explaining what this is why I stopped and bought this fucking soup that made me sick and I was like oh that’s what’s on the label she said she said like I know I spent I spent so much energy trying to catch guys and their red flags and you wave yours like a matador
yeah that’s what it was and it wasn’t because it was a bad time I’m not I’m also not saying don’t ever do that do it go for but but but that is not the same as this because these are weird fucking times and that shit is kissing cousins with some ideologies that have to do with hurting other people in order to like get used to reverse psychology this is the Baseline is totaled and you need somebody to party that says I’m very lonely would you like to make out later
quite likely. He’s not he’s that guy can have a reasonable time because because then you’re playing money ball with Statistics and that that I have resent the fact that that bleeds into this other Camp that’s about like taking it back from the women who never took it away like that’s the thing that’s why I want to put a big fucking fat ass just got that but I was going through that phase where I was like I would just be I was just a lot because I felt like I had tried to do I would just say I was like trying to be in the zone-read be like I’m very attracted to you I would try not to beat me and I was like snow plow them but like like like like like like like Spike and humiliating like I roles in like walk away like like that was really you’d say that to me but it but I am very attracted to you and I’d like to make out with you but you don’t need those ones anymore can we hear one of them
pretty sure it’s Super Bowl party super hot guy at 65 years old staying that way about Trump and all the stuff I mean that’s why I was in his intimidated you know right I feel I need to do a Star Trek joke to get you back
because I ain’t with you yeah I I got I got sued by this guy and I I didn’t get bullied I didn’t get bullied with the guy with the restraining order I pushed him away and what happened with the end of that and to give him credit he didn’t know it was illegal what he was doing and if you say so when you say restraining order we went to court did you file it or did he file it this is a funny thing with some friends served him and then a few days later he serves me with one saying I can’t go near him cuz I’m threatening him like a waste
I could get arrested if I’m in my own hallway where he lurks if he gets this restraining order this is your describing Cape Fear and ready whenever you file for restraining order that room you go to downtown I feel like there’s probably two people at least in the room that have is probably different situation he’s all different people Rich poor and then going to do we have one hand up did you pay your taxes with a willing to talk about your restraining order
okay it would you like to come up please see that’s
all the people
what happened
check I was told if you’re listening to the live free Wednesday podcast and my mic was bad for the first half of the show
we’ve replaced it
have you seen breaking bad I seen breaking bad so my dad was a good Jewish Walter White like like kissy distance anything
I said like this cuz I’m comfortable so crystal meth and women
why come to the newest gas stove Harbor Town has been so he went from pooping pimping cars to pimping women don’t hear juices pimps but he’s sold crystal meth and women so he had both and he wasn’t done with our staff and could never get them as it is Trinity was he would get hookers to sell crystal meth to guys are you going to tell us and then and then do the math and then when the job is all done let’s smoke the meth and on the map of make them clean so that everything would be spotless and make them clean
about to buy a shit ton of math
I would like to try some
come so dirty
just got to get that colonic oh my God yeah by the way Levy is obsessed with colonics and I’m not obsessed
asking me to get one because he wants to get a guy to goes or driving the car the other day and to go Levy I order you to check out getting a colonic for me and he was like really okay I know what’s happened I’m more Curious like if I actually got one if you got it for me like I would only do it if that meant you absolutely had to do it it would
we support you I don’t want to do what do you mean you don’t want to do what you keep bringing it up to make it back to hookers and methane car stereo has something in this motherfucker has a rehab center off of Melrose
straining order for he was doing like a lot of mess and that’s not good for like a grown child so how old were you at the time I was like 16 so did you have to go to the police department minor my own how to go cuz why do you why do you need a restraining order if the DEA has already taken them away. They were looking for him, and he may come back is that a friend of yours or one of your dad’s bodyguard your relationship with that’s why I’m backing out I kind of came back to work on our relationship with him is he there was nobody to have you as a what what has changed is there been an arc in terms of you or him like I mean basically like from when I was a kid like 16 like it’s all started happening and then like slowly but surely I found
he was doing he was in jail because the Kingpin all that stuff Kingpin Jewish King that was made for me in jail
oh wow wow wow what’s changed is that the experience is humanise you that you at 16 it was so volcanic yeah I worked, tithing at that age and I got out of there cuz you’re a survivor of course he’s got weed and it’s my dad the adult child support be helping like other Jewish and more people like it off the street and 72
so if you’re Jewish you could be a third trimester fetus
I don’t think that’s right but that sounds like I didn’t want to force that narrative where it’s like so he’s clean now the rehab center in time to revisit it in all right yeah I won’t know let’s have them on like that I want to tell him and tell him you’re podcast wants to talk about Fathers and Sons and and and and Richard for sure who what about my stained glass company well it’s not very interesting and I think that’s what it was I who am I arguing with in my head what what now
I have a headache and I went oh my God I’m so sorry for women to attack me in the morning or am I going to be neurological work to do do you believe in neural plasticity Fred
I knew
I never heard of it but now I do believe in it because I do believe that and I tried mushrooms and it didn’t work but I believe things are well yes or no
do you want to hear the story. Anyway is Larry David in it realizations Revelations where something hits you and it’s like in a visual wow and I had a breakthrough and now it won’t go back and I love that cuz you really get that on mushrooms right all right I want to see you always crave that see this is a really important thing I want to be like a commentary track that is not I’m opening the cut I feel an energy from you when I get her up to you and do my my friendly but you’re like you is crazy talking and I’m going to fucking track an earlier you said something to that saying so that I can get back to the thing I was talking about but you trying to show I know stuff hey
I was in there alright you like the idea of you don’t have anxiety about a bad trip or anything like that had paranoia but looks like anyting it’s like if you’re in a very bad State it’s going to compounded a thousand percent like the loneliness the isolation so I got dumped on acid one by your dad by a girl
how are your dad refused the other time about it doesn’t do Ayahuasca or mushrooms because of the Fred Stoller voice inside
so to find out that Fred Stoller who has that much worse and worse is like that I don’t know how to get it how do you park there are they what do you know about the few times I did we. Yeah it’s a friend still in the running Sky my throat hurts or three weeks on my sore throat and busy you know and I don’t like alcoholics guy I wake up dry mouth three hours later I’m doing impression of myself I’m not sure but I don’t like it so I thought weed was like Cheech and Chong hey man did you move the car I forgot that so I didn’t like it O’Brien post saying you know I like comic books

I thought we’d as hell yeah from your observation of other people feel like I don’t want to be like that but you found out that I found out so much that it opens your mind so it’s got more sophisticated I think in the 80s when I tried it once or twice it was just anything that smoke it like I said sore throat paranoia but then you know you see on the news you know that leash train station opens your mind so and then I listen to Sam Harris who not the guy know you know who he is and he saying that the book on tape one of his that he’s got two daughters because I would like if they did I’d be concerned that they did meth or crack but I would want them to try it opens your mind thinking about it so and I didn’t get some edibles and I and I yeah I have things where I think I have a funny idea to never make sense but I really fell
I’m not even convinced would meditate so you have a breakthrough where you it’s a visualization we’ve got something and once you got it I can’t go back to what I was so so so much said mushrooms is better and it was if I remember that one very stupid
buckle up the lights a warmer up here I don’t want to put down she she reached out she has a boyfriend but you know she seen me on things hey you’re an interesting character and I like you not like me that week but she said you know she saw me on some podcast talkin about weed and next week so she met me and she got me a $40 tip join thing and she saw you on the podcast Doug Loves movies or the $5 a month you can subscribe is there one that you might know of off hand him his breakfast I guess you know but she goes you know talking about that I’d like to do mushrooms but how do you do it
do it and can I interrupt here yes she’s local she’s in your life physically or are you coming to are you are you connected with her online Twitter or whatever the hell but we have like a catfish because we have mutual friends so it wasn’t suicide, because I’m trying to figure out like who she is no no no no no no I’m trying to figure out how much of this was like you your your anxiety was was mitigated by like this is a Viper sorry and it was saying like I trust you I trust you trusted her and this is how you met her but you better online but then you were going to meet her maybe I’ll swing by and and and I just get up we talked and I said I never did that I’m curious and I had a birthday a few months ago where I’m tired of every birthday you sit around with a friends
you know are yeah me and my friends and the check comes in I want to do something adventurous them so so I said let I want to get mushrooms and so then desert desert York to scription of a person gets more ridiculous
yeah I sit on a table DNA of different than you reproduced the same restaurant that it’s a very nice I’m always alone and yeah and no no significant other so basically so I said I want to do something crazy you know and so dance another female comedian who wants to know if she heard about the Edibles Edibles she text me and I do well I want to try Marshall let’s do that and I sat so I wanted to bring her there so it’s three of us just you know I don’t want to be uncomfortable and you know be sexual I don’t know what’s
high tide I haven’t done it with you if you say I was afraid to do mushrooms with a friend cuz I thought y’all you stop making out with a guy ever make out with whoever you’re with will know I don’t want to schedule looks like but you weren’t afraid is it here let me finish my exam and self-loathing I can finish my question before your answer with your self-loathing I was helping the woman that has a girlfriend maybe something with her when I was in my when I was in my twenties I think I probably if anybody said this is much of that’s why I did mushrooms that’s why I did ask that because I was in my twenties
and then when you’re in your twenties you just like driving in to trees cuz you’re like why can’t I feel like this is been out for three days and you’re like why not for you because you can’t wait to feel pain and you will someday you will I got food poisoning at one point in my thirties I got everything I had bad trips in my thirties of somebody when I was in my twenties which is with that’s what that’s what I feel like my roster of drugs that I was willing to do work employees completed because it’s like it’s like the map of the world here there be dragons and stuff so it’s like okay I’ll never try heroin because I made it to 30 without doing heroin thank God so I’ll never do it. This is why the fear the Fred Stoller voice inside of me that would not want to do mushrooms wouldn’t wanted
not do mushrooms because I’d be afraid of anything that would happen because of a successful mushroom rephrase it would be afraid of an unsuccessful mushroom trip I’ll be a mushroom coach if you’re freaking out I’ll take you aside this drug represent such a threshold that case scenario is women taking care of you yes I’m starting to come around outside of your years did the fact that the straight stretch of you think I want to try mushrooms if it was like I just wouldn’t have done it like I would have looked for again I like that the realizations on I’m very into like meditating and and you a Duncan Trussell again got me to run and all this stuff so
you you will. I know who he is he ain’t no joke bro, that’s a no joke as a runner seeming reason you’re a time traveler at you
set yourself up for a call back
the reason I do
back then, everyone go back
joking this weird place I bought it though any drug sorry I don’t know the reason I’m doing it later in life is I don’t have any guilt you know I fucked around my 20s 30s 40s 50s it’s like you know I tried my hardest to me women and write and do the career and you made it to visit that you look fantastic that was the American dream you may as well if I can put your dick in the bulldozer when I’m lying in my bed you know I was trying to find out you’re into anything that was it a t she make a tea or not so this is what I thought they said you can’t do mushrooms in your apartment you got to be on the beach in the beautiful and Malibu so I said Summit says she said you got to get a room so I rented a room and that way we could go out come back in ye sleep through the morning wake up so I spend my money
and I’m not that rich on a place in Malibu for the night and and she goes okay I’m your mushroom coach if it gets too much and this send me her and the third very nice woman we go to check into the hotel and sheer it’s like that candy wrap you wrap it in you know I’m saying like like I don’t know that food looks like that they made like a mushroom Taffy yes so so something’s wrong because I’m eating it no problem just saying that she could so that we go across the street to Malibu and right away it hits her and she’s lying in the sand and I’m picking her up and this is the coach
and I and this guy really think it hit me I was paranoid and the house was Martin Sheen cuz I know there’s a girl lying on the sand that you’re going to throw up and he’s on the phone until you got to get out of here or so so I’m not really feeling it anything to your head because you know that the only paranoia that my phone stolen pick me up a phone at her up so the other woman ran out that water she said she’s going to throw up like so so then the only thing I think I did it for fun I pretended we were like d down the beach and and she was a wounded soldier and I had to get it back to the hotel South Beach
the couch and I’m escorting her and we’re just taking her and then all the sudden I start narrating it you know cuz I got people walking by come look at these people they have houses and lives and that dogs and their kids and I’m the 59 year old guy with two women trying mushrooms on my birthday and I don’t say that out loud and people are walking so
so then you know it’s a tunnel that goes on the beach to you know Malibu that is so she couldn’t take it anymore she’s going to throw up and she’s worried thing at the word on the floor and and then there’s this guy comes by with his family goes what’s wrong and I got she got nauseous looking at the water
advice don’t call Nikki bruises you can do the voice on the cruises cruise pictures that I take the head I thought I’d create a racist canopy he could be like here’s what he really sounded like I’m so crazy
you have that few people at storage you so damn good advice if you if you need to have a bowel movement dude before it kicks in when me and Dee Cutler. Go on mushrooms will make you feel like you’re the universe’s asphalt
I’m trying to figure out what the Y that is a picture of your wise to stand that cuz Richard will be having the go and you’re tripping but it won’t work I don’t know so that you can take out of shit I got to throw up so she gave the advice so she could get me back to the room so she goes you got to get out I need the room so so will you leave it there and she’s you know probably doing what she’s got to do and then my my the phone battery died I got a charge I get out of here and so we had to stand by the door so I know you got it back up cuz when I get there you’re going
I should just get the fuck out of here. The mushroom codes are mushroom coach now known as the deuce dropper is okay we were both we were both like weed and I was getting dark and chilly and was standing outside the door will not allowed in so we couldn’t I guess it didn’t work cuz we were like we got to save the coach and is that I didn’t have any jelly realization I had was the the comedian I was with GI cuz you look like Bonnie McFarlane never realized that a real is a yes that’s the only thing that I realized it was Bonnie McFarlane
but you did live through although no one would pay money for this the experience of what would I do if I was in charge of a person that I thought was supposed to be a charge of me yes that’s farting valuable experience know I felt very proud and machismo that a valuable a guy named so the woman with the other woman who is okay she has a girlfriend that said get down to wherever she lives with his Ray Donovan take place there Malibu I forgot in a world where secrecy is your last option I don’t know I don’t know she was stoned because I’m at a birthday party and she didn’t believe her so we had to go to a restaurant and take pictures pretending I can read
I miss because I’m an Afterglow from your last story the right I think that’s what it what it is cuz you change locations in casts yes I was so crazy that we were outside the door of afraid to go in you know cuz she kept screaming get out of here I’m on freaking I just want to lay there yet I want to be with anybody while he was freaking out if I’m having a single issue anything that’s why the electric made me so upset I’m like I’m alone I can’t wipe my ass on anybody there all wiping their ass and another I was like this is fucked up that was the mushrooms in my birthday you never tried mushrooms again
like to have bad mushrooms you a pain in my neck and I thought I was I looked in a mirror and I thought I was a walrus and I like and I like like like I like bad mushrooms and so it’s like like it’s being strong acid but so it’s there still a silo silver what we’ll edit it back in when we do the bad Mike past lysergic acid bold and bad ass at a guy that says it’s my 50th birthday let’s do mushrooms please do them again I think you’ll enjoy them
Joanne said he’s really
I mean my dad is it to Hoffman was a juvenile juice and no I’m not looking to do anything ridiculous but I liked expanding the mind if you know that’s right that’s really easy to give me food I don’t know what you ate tonight but I was already in equilibrium we had a business going are I miss my cat so much I miss that kind of affection in my God I lost two when was 18 when I was 19 and I wasn’t going to get another but someone got one from a shelter in the other cat was in getting along so I’m glad it happened I mean yeah.
that is the I love my dogs when I can’t believe I got dogs and I sit with them and they’re like what are you doing and I’m like it’s called nothing you’re supposed to enjoy it when I just threw the thing I’m like if I throw it you’ll just bring it back and then I’d be sentient but they’re like no throw it through it and I’m like I’m telling you I’m from the future is my brains big
peanut know you’re just going to keep bringing it back cuz I’m telling you you’re never going to understand this is a species it never gets any better than sitting under a tree growing in the monkey and waiting to die
and if a spotted leopard comes around you go and you all go to safety until the spotted leopards gone and that is where humans started fucking up because we had nailed it and then one was like What if a spaceship and her like you’re great Carl
but we could bite bite bite Carl’s not bad either because those chimps are going to die anyway I’m sorry with my friends was going there’s a conspiracy theories Koko the gorilla know sign language she was copying and really bothered me that he was supposed to Pacific that is important to him that Coco. No wait what’s up to push back at this point like like we got us examine this is a scam that coca was just copying not really signing it’s not even like I’m open to finding out that Coco’s full of shit like I’m totally open to it I find it weird when you meet the guy that’s like Coco’s full of shit
and I know it that’s not a test that hypothesis it’s just a strong belief but if you wanted monkeys to not talk so weird to have that strong an opinion given that there’s no Stakes to being proven right. Coco is what they got so much like politics and the internet ruined everything turns out Pat Sajak is global warming denier his tweets at a certain point where like follow the money
follow the money global warming yes yes there is someone right now if someone is making a billion dollars by you believing the world is getting hotter it’s like it’s like a game show where people spells common phrases
disappoint you want Pat Sajak to walk off screen off of Wheel of Fortune do you want to slide down a pole and don’t like a den with a bit her rug but Emergency Center based on rudimentary English the myths of retirement to me why is it the higher you look Velez happy everybody is I died today he had 95 divorces his face was asked owl 900,000 newspapers he could tell three countries what to think but it was decided to no one ever saw him smile and he died like like like where did you go where diseases David Hasselhoff Knight Rider he can’t stop drinking long enough to
Baywatch e but I thought he made a lot of money, because otherwise it’s okay so I have to sit in my bed and I have to like just jerk off on my girlfriend like like and watch Star Trek you don’t have to
nice pic if I want to win the game of life the way I have to do it is not owning 9 Airplanes it is like exactly what I have right now and then you go now I wait to die that’s not fun I don’t want to watch no no no no not that bad perfect show I was just looking for the first time you were here you were here
I’m I’m not as I’m not depressed these days cuz I like being creative I’m not being an ass or plucking my stupid Kindle singles in Bucks it’s about the 1989 young comedian special met you guys out of your my base for you said these big young comedian specials a lot of people have launched and I wrote about the one I was on because I found it interesting that you’re Jack Dury and the diversity of the careers of Lies two of them made it Big Rob Schneider and David Spade they were discovered from The Young comedian special
two of them had tragedies Warren Thomas and Drake sather or Thomas is the best woman she’s beautiful she’s struggling so I kind of interview widows and people and it’s like those like 30 by 30 like the other college team that was the world supposed to be Pros to made it to the end so it’s just checking in with nine with six young hopeful people and I wasn’t so young even in 1989 as a comedian but this is our big break the young comedian special and then what happens right away she died and I wish right here gets his break they get their brakes and warn Thomas had an opportunity to be on Saturday Night Live is the black guy and I’m looking at you and
did he have a Mike Tyson impression but I remember I’m like 50 but I don’t know okay 19 in Milwaukee Spade I’m drink sailor and Jan karon Jen was a precursor to all the beautiful like Whitney Cummings and Sarah and women who were hot and she was really beautiful but she didn’t own her heart and it’s like hey making guys come I’m not going to do those jugs like so yeah so I followed from after our quote-unquote break Warren Thomas when there’s a ritual I do know about that when you meet Lorne Michaels he makes you wait like 4 hours
just after initiation and he said fuck this and he left and the ended up going to Chris Rock that spot so it’s just so it just takes us to 2017 following the crying from the tragedy of the six people on it quitting myself and my Seinfeld year was good so what I’m trying to say is I’m happy it’s been created and just riding things in my own voice so the theory I have is it may be antidepressants help but I’m happiest when I’m being creative not trying to fit into puzzles is that depression serves a purpose cuz then you’re not afraid to die and we’re all going to die so so I wonder if depression can lead to hear you that’s why you need to be pitching television shows but not if I do when I’m depressed or I’m more in tune cuz when I’m really depressed I go why did my voice thing time with Twitter and Instagram Amor in TuneIn.
and in reality so maybe depression is the real thing was supposed to be I wonder cuz now I don’t want to die
and I be afraid to it no I don’t want to which is good right this is hard maybe when I’m very depressed I’m not afraid of it I welcome it so maybe depression makes more sense this is Hilda pression is practical yes it is certainly that it is more practical than avoiding it then thinking that it’s wrong and everything’s great you might be theirs let’s say there’s two types of something for once in our lives I know we hate saying there’s two types of things let’s say there’s two types of depression and let’s say that the two types of depression are on the fucking controllable biochemical depression where as we all know if you’re in a bad mood and you get a flat tire is your flat tire is the end of your world if you’re in a good mood you get a flat tire it’s kind of funny you got a flat tire if you’re in a good mood and you win $500 on a scratch-off it’s it’s it’s fucking fantastic if you’re in a bad mood and you win $500 scratch off it’s like
and so on and so forth like like like mood matters more than fact especially when you related to fax so like fuk I forgot why I was talking about this when I got all excited for practice if you cannot be afraid of death would be depressed whether or not either of them whichever of those things are true whether you are biochemically uncontrollably depressed or whether it’s actually there’s the other situation was like kind of like you know what bad things that have happened and it’s kind of hard to be in a good mood today I was being glib when I said there was two kind cuz it’s like it’s a combination of things
it doesn’t matter your bad mood still needs the exact same thing and committing to your bad mood is still practical the problem is when people connect factuality to their mood when you say regardless of the cause of your bad mood when you say that because of your bad mood you need to do something and we all know the stuff you want to do when you’re in a bad mood is or but this is something that we overlooked a lot when you think that because you’re in a bad mood because of the ship that happened to you recently because of everything that your life is bad those are big mistakes you’re connecting shit that maybe Co relative but it’s not cause effective you like like and that’s why but if you can just go I am in a bad mood here’s how I feel when I go to bed I feel
like this and you write it down or like just feel it so much that you create any kind of snapshot with it I’m telling you that snapshot is as valuable to humanity as a photograph from an oceanographer of the Marianas Trench like like because you might be experiencing daps that are no deeper than the person that never went deeper but you’re experiencing deaths from a man goals as has never been seen and we need before we all die if when we will probably die by our own hand so no matter how depressed you get why bother killing yourself when you know Humanity will do that for you
leave it to them and say I go to one area of human society that you can leave to the customer service department know they’ll get around to it you don’t have to do it but I’m not saying logic as a reason to not hurt yourself I’m just saying when you’re at that point when it feels like you have no course of action other than something I’m telling you fucking waited out because you are a sensor that has been shot from God’s like to like look at that spot that’s the spot that only you can see it may seem unremarkable no life grows there it’s Jagged and unfriendly and all it says to you is fuck you you shouldn’t be here well that’s the whole point of a probe like you shouldn’t be there won’t be there at some point like you will get out of their butt and you will be stronger and the people around you will be stronger because you got down there and you saw that shit and you live down there
install are you are at your age you are a Marianas Trench Cruiser Church to make it to his you’re just like cruising through the fucking Japs the lowest places that the ocean can afford Jared Kushner live a more fruitful life is going to be like that there’s a new way to describe the feeling you have when watermelon makes you feel bad
all right yeah I kind of lost it at the end there cuz that’s why I do drugs I get things but I can’t articulate it that’s why this guy’s amazing nothing I’m like I’m like a box and if a breeze blows through it it sounds like something’s being said so it when you hold it up to anyone but you have to hold it up in the distance we should enter show I got I got real drunk during it because I love listening to you and friends like so what what’s the book tell us the book again so we can do I can get on this car and go get it it’s called five minutes to kill is a subtitle they came up with how the
age for young comedian special change the lives of 1989 six funniest people that’s they came up I can’t wait to read the book by their marketing department called refining the key to killing something because whatever it’s called whether it’s grapes are celery it should be short and we should remember it five minutes to kill fredstrom everybody liked it so much Brandy Johnson with your comptroller
Glory or he’s going to come back on his dad we’re going to we’re going to connect about this very common story about Fathers and Sons drift apart then you come back I want to I want to I want to be there in for the collect a loose change of hits before Steve Levy you did so good in Spencer’s job
by not saying anything
but you did you schedule something for tomorrow I’m supposed to just write another show another show tomorrow AAA celebrity tomorrow night
AAA I got a buddy of mine you do I’m having it
I’m having Andy Kindler guilt could be anybody
cancel all of it but no don’t does the guy that English guy he’ll think it’s a famous prank all right I’m going to wrap
but then Fred Fred when I pointed you you have to like don’t you have to stay
just say say what you’re saying this just either my friend stole her in her voice be my friend stole her in her voice is really think you’d up
I can make one on GarageBand you’re not ready yet Liberace oh shit yeah
yeah oh Lord
oh God above I pray for the strength
priefert Portland
yeah yeah yeah
yeah I’m praying for your strength a Praying in church to pray for more cord legs don’t want the insulation in the 60 cycle hum I want your mama and your daddy to say drum drum drum from The Savage to the to the collaborative I societies got nothing to give when it grows from one strong shift to a bunch of simple shit that goes beyond limping across the space to the moon and then you don’t go back why don’t why don’t we live in there did we have a an attack of the Roshes are we not going to bring places that we need to be irritated by the crowd I thought they’d want to just hear sci-fi animation stuff
and the guy who’s his fucking older guy you let me sort of familiar but I think they’d like some of the stuff maybe the writing Seinfeld I don’t know
show me the cord laughing
I went into a car and I drove to a tar pit I saw the dinosaur and more I went down into it and I said I’m now extinct like you but just what I’m going to do I’m going to eat you up but you’re covered in tire so you taste worse than a candy bar but when you’re in my stomach will take you far into the reaches to the place where carbon-based life couldn’t reach I’m glad my relatives are older and don’t listen to this podcast
I’m nervous that they’re going to hear about mushrooms and spending money at Malibu it’s ready you got the money
why’d you do that she took advantage
The Strangers
I do no matter how hard you plant it you can make a motherfuking thing happened to you that wasn’t going to happen to you I got a dick and it was a flag I don’t know what I’m saying I’m so drunk I can’t lie from a rapping at my rabbit won’t fuck up mama tonight my speakers going to send my mind since I can’t I got to stay on as well I got to thinking about it too hard to get out of my yard this is a wrap wrapping
confident now I have to do it tonight I’m going to go home without the GPS
make my way back Catherine schedule
I am applying langa somehow without the GPS I’ll do it maybe maybe I got some sweet something I haven’t checked my thing for like 2 hours this is great
I’m too drunk to remember anybody that works on the Shannon thank you so much thank you
and you kept laughing longer
Lift drive faster


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